The Onion
AOC Tidies Up In Case Federal Agents Stop By For Raid
NEW YORK—Frantically fluffing pillows and folding blankets in preparation for unannounced visitors, Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez was spotted tidying up her apartment this week in case federal agents stopped by for a raid. “You never know when you’re going to have sudden company come breaking down your door, and I don’t want anyone to think I live in a total sty when they’re emptying out my drawers and cabinets,” said Ocasio-Cortez, who remarked that it would be embarrassing if an FBI task force came and seized a bunch of dirty clothes that were strewn about on her bedroom floor. “I know it might seem like I’m putting on airs, but the threat of an unannounced search of my home is a great excuse to do a deep clean. It’s just common courtesy to have everything neatly put away in case guests need to find some documents or passports to confiscate when they come over.” Ocasio-Cortez added that she was being extra hospitable by putting some Spindrifts in the fridge in case investigators wanted to expropriate something other than just tap water.
The Onion.
Is Pete Hegseth’s Bold Pledge To ‘Kill Everyone’ By 2028 An Unrealistic Pipe Dream?
The Onion.
‘Whalefall’ Writer Reveals Story Inspired By Time He Ate A Scuba Diver
LOS ANGELES—Noting that one’s own life often provided the best material, Whalefall novelist and screenwriter Daniel Kraus revealed Tuesday that the story was inspired by the time he ate a scuba diver. “My best writing usually comes from a personal place, and Whalefall is no different,” said Kraus, who quoted the adage “Write what you know” and explained that, in his case, that meant an incident that took place “somewhere in Florida” in the early ’90s. “As soon as I had my first taste, I thought, ‘That’s a movie.’ Naturally, I changed some details to make the story more dramatic. For example, instead of me, it’s a 60-ton sperm whale, and in my case, of course, the guy didn’t survive. But the core of the story is still the same. Both guys spent a lot of the time screaming.” At press time, Kraus announced his next project would be about a whale who killed a teenager with his car.
The Onion.
Druid Loving This Cloak Weather
HILL OF TARA, IRELAND—Visibly beaming as he took in the crisp weather and mist-swathed heath on his way to the stone circle, local druid Fográith of the Mountains announced Friday that he was really loving this cloak weather. “Oh man, there’s nothing better than when you feel that first nip in the air and get to throw on your heavy bull-hide cloak,” said the chief-ollam, who noted that he spent the whole year looking forward to roving out amongst the beautiful autumnal foliage while carrying his quarterstaff. “I’m a total cloak season type of guy: Brewing up big, steaming mugs of mistletoe elixir. Long nights getting cozy inside and divining Ogham staves. Gosh, and celebrating Mabon! I can’t believe I almost forgot the Mabon. If it gets any colder, I might throw on my big antlered headpiece, too.” Fográith added that he was especially looking forward to enjoying the first frost by building a fire under a wicker man and watching his human sacrifice go up in flames.
The Onion.
LeBron James Squeezes Eyes Shut To Avoid Catching Glimpse Of Philadelphia During Commute
The Onion.
ClickHole
Bold New Angle: Patagonia Is Advertising Their New Line Of Raincoats By Saying They ‘Repel 100 Percent Of Cumshots’
Though the outerwear brand Patagonia is known for its eco-friendly messaging, it seems like they’re ready to shake things up, because they’re now advertising their new line of raincoats by saying they repel 100 percent of cumshots.
Goodbye greenwashing… hello cumwashing!
Hitting stores this week, the Patagonia Ultralight Cumshell Jacket builds upon the brand’s three-layer rain shell base by adding a cum-repellent latex panel designed to keep the wearer safe during jizz-heavy activities. With an adjustable hood that even includes a roll-down visor, wearers can feel great knowing that they’ll truly stay dry no matter how many people (or animals!) are cumming on them all day.
Well, this is definitely a bold way to market a rain coat! While it remains unclear whether or not the brand thinks this is a sex jacket or just an outdoorsy clothing item that happen to be more cum-focused, you have to think a jacket like this will find its audience on its own. As of publication, this is the only cum-preventative jacket on the market.
Your move, The North Face!
Remaining Defiant: Jerry Seinfeld Has Announced That In Response To Criticism Of His Support For Israel, He Will Be Dating Another 17-Year-Old
A recent incident where Jerry Seinfeld responded to hecklers accusing him of supporting genocide by saying, “I am a racist, it’s a genocide, I’m into it,” showed that the comedian isn’t ashamed to defend his pro-Israel stance. But now the beloved comedian is proving more than ever that he’s not backing down: Jerry Seinfeld has announced that in response to criticism of his support for Israel, he will be dating another 17-year-old.
Damn! Looks like Israel got a new attack dog, and his name is Jerry Seinfeld.
During an interview on SiriusXM’s ‘We Got Company,’ Seinfeld doubled down on his defense of Israel, stating, “They say I can’t support Israel. They heckle my performances. They slander me online. But I won’t apologize. In fact, thanks to the constant harassment these people put me through, I will be dating another 17-year-old.”
“I’ve had enough! I thought about doing ‘Unfrosted 2’ to get back at these jerks, but I wanted to go even further,” he continued. “So I will be prowling parks near high schools in search of a new underage girlfriend. I don’t care what my haters think. I don’t care what my wife thinks. And I don’t care what the 17-year-old thinks. We’re going to be in love, and she is going to be 17 and very busty for her age. You thought the age gap was bad when I was 39? Just wait until I have a 17-year-old girlfriend NOW. I’m going to be proud as ever to support Israel and have a 17-year-old girlfriend. Because calling me a racist comes with consequences. And those consequences are 17 years old.”
Whoa! No matter where you stand on the Israel issue/72-year-olds dating children, you’ve gotta admire Seinfeld’s conviction here.
Looks like when you mess with Jerry, you get the horns. If you’re an anti-Israel activist, you may want to think twice before the next time you heckle Seinfeld.
An Interesting Detail About Her Past: Mom Just Casually Revealed She Had 18 Kids With Another Man Before She Married Dad
Mom has always been honest and open about her past, which is why the detail she just dropped is so interesting:
Mom just casually revealed she had 18 kids with another man before she married Dad.
Whoa! It’s almost like she had an entirely different life before her and Dad got together.
Last night, upon seeing a mother pushing triplets around in a stroller, Mom, without much fanfare at all, let it slip that she’d had triplets not once, but twice prior to starting her relationship with Dad. That led to her saying, “Yeah, I had…” stopping to do the math in her head, and then finishing, “Eighteen kids with the guy I was with before I met your father.”
Surprised that we were treating it like it was a big deal, Mom continued, “Oh, I thought I told you about that,” then, in response to being asked, “Where are your 18 kids now?” she just shrugged and said, “Who knows. I haven’t thought about them in a while.”
After briefly changing the subject to how she was excited for Christmas this year, the 18 previously unknown children were brought up again, at which point she nonchalantly disclosed that she had been the subject of a reality show called, “Eighteen’s Enough,” which ran for six seasons on the E! network and that two of the kids were named, “Jason” because she ran out of names she liked.
Dang! It’s easy to just see your parents as being just your parents their entire lives, so it’s hard to imagine that at one time they were the parent of 18 other kids you’ve never met. This really makes Mom seem like a whole new person!
Heartbreaking: There’s Not A Single Outfit This Man Can Pull Off
Better get out the heart glue, because this is going to break your heart: There’s not a single outfit this man can pull off.
Oof. Some men are just trying too hard to pull off a look that doesn’t work for them, but this one…this one can’t pull off any of them.
Forty-two-year-old Subaru salesman Lyonel Brinks has tried the concert t-shirt and ripped jeans look.
He’s tried the buttoned-up casual polo shirt and khakis look.
He’s tried a leather jacket.
He’s tried a sports jersey and sweatpants.
But every single last outfit, whether it’s something simple and timeless or something bold and cutting edge, leaves him looking like a child wearing an unidentifiable Halloween costume.
Tailored, oversized, vintage-inspired, hat, no-hat, no matter what, Lionel looks like he’s trying too hard, uncomfortable, and somehow “kidding” with what he wears, as if it’s meant to me a joke. Even when he’s just wearing a pair of jeans from J.Crew and a white oxford shirt.
Dressed up, he looks like a schlubby guy who’s overdressed for dinner at Olive Garden. Dressed down, he looks like he just rolled out of bed to take a leak at 3 a.m. Clothes that fit him perfectly only serve to accentuate his odd proportions and weird neck angle, and clothes that fit him relaxed immediately make him look 70 pounds heavier.
Honestly, the look he came closest to pulling off was when he dressed up in a steampunk outfit to go to a local gaming convention, and that was only because no guys can really pull off a steampunk look so he just didn’t look any worse than the guys who can sort of pull it off.
There’s simply nothing Lionel can wear that doesn’t make everyone who looks at him feel sort of sorry for him.
To make matters worse, Lionel just booked his first tattoo appointment, and no matter what he gets, and no matter where it goes, you know that this is only going to serve to make him look even less like he’s pulling off whatever he’s wearing.
All hearts break for Lionel. This is so, so sad.
Making Things Right: SNL Has Donated $1,000 To Whores
If you’re a comedy fan, then you’ve undoubtedly heard about Shane Gillis’s controversial opening monologue on SNL last weekend, where he compared women who wear revealing clothing at the gym to “whores.” Well, there’s no need to boycott SNL, because they’ve stepped up to do the right thing: SNL has donated $1,000 to whores.
And that, folks, is how you keep your reputation as a comedy institution intact!
A representative for the beloved, long-running sketch comedy show said in a statement, “Shane Gillis’s recent jokes about whores do not represent the values of Saturday Night Live. SNL stands by whores no matter how filthy, run-through, and scabbed up they are. That is why we have decided to donate $1,000 to whores, to be distributed via $1 bills scattered around nasty-ass alleyways and drug dens throughout the city.”
The statement continued, “After picking up the wrinkled-up dollar bills out of puddles and dumpsters, the whores are free to spend the money as they wish, whether it be on slutty little outfits to wear to the gym, used needles, or cheap mascara they can use to conceal their street-worn, rough-around-the-edges appearances. One thousand dollars is what a typical cheap, dirty little whore would make in a month giving handjobs to methed-out truck drivers, and dollar bills make great little tubes for snorting drugs off of another whore’s ass as well, so this $1,000 will undoubtedly be a great boon to the whore community.”
Thank you, SNL. THIS is how you make things right.
Duffel Blog
US to livestream execution of Ukraine
WASHINGTON — The Trump administration said it would livestream the execution of Ukraine, replacing a planned broadcast of convicted Fort Hood shooter Nidal Hasan's death with what officials are calling the largest pay-per-view event in American military history.Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth said the decision came after President Donald Trump canceled plans to televise Hasan’s execution following widespread criticism that broadcasting a man’s death would be barbaric.“We heard the concerns of the American people,” Hegseth said. “Some people were uncomfortable watching a defenseless man get shot. So we’re going to show them 40 million defenseless people getting shot instead.”The broadcast, tentatively titled UKRAINE: THE FINAL BETRAYAL, will feature live satellite feeds, commentary from administration officials, and a halftime performance by Kid Rock.“Nobody does executions like us,” Trump told reporters. “Nobody. We’re talking about an entire country. Beautiful country. Very big. And we’re going to do it live. The ratings will be unbelievable.”Trump said the event would begin with a ceremonial lifting of sanctions on Russia, followed by a military demonstration in which Elon Musk personally toggles Ukraine’s Starlink service on and off while Russian drones approach their targets.“Elon has a button. Very powerful button," Trump said. "He can turn the internet off for an entire army. And the best part is, we don’t even have to fire a shot.”Musk confirmed he would participate, saying Ukraine should be grateful he allowed it to have internet in the first place.
Iran condemns US plan to livestream execution as barbaric
TEHRAN, Iran — Iranian officials condemned the Pentagon's proposal to livestream the execution of convicted Fort Hood shooter Nidal Hasan, calling the plan a grotesque display of state violence that no civilized government should tolerate."Absolutely barbaric," said Islamic Revolutionary Guard Corps spokesman Ebrahim Zolfaghari. "What kind of country turns an execution into a public spectacle? Have these people no shame?"Zolfaghari made the remarks following Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth's announcement that Hasan, convicted of killing 13 people at Fort Hood in 2009, would be executed by firing squad in a ceremony broadcast to the public."We once executed a man's horse," Zolfaghari said. "Even we knew not to livestream it."In an official statement, the Iranian government questioned whether the United States had abandoned the basic principles of dignity and restraint that distinguish civilized societies from authoritarian regimes."Public executions are intended to be solemn affairs conducted with the utmost professionalism," the statement read. "Transforming them into entertainment diminishes the dignity of the state, the condemned, and the terrified citizens compelled to attend."Iranian officials were particularly disturbed that Americans could watch the execution from the comfort of their own homes."An execution is not a television program," Zolfaghari said. "It is an important government function, traditionally attended by thousands of unwilling spectators."The statement urged American leaders to consider the moral implications of normalizing public brutality."Once a government begins displaying executions for political purposes, where does it end?" Zolfaghari asked. "Soon your citizens become accustomed to watching people die. And then what? You start hanging dissidents from cranes?"He shook his head."That's a very dangerous path."Iranian state television devoted extensive coverage to the controversy, interrupting its regularly scheduled programming of public confessions, fingernail-pulling competitions, and revolutionary tribunals to condemn the American proposal.One Tehran resident expressed particular concern about the example the United States was setting for younger generations."Children should not grow up believing it is normal for their government to execute people in public," she said. "There is a time and place for such things, and that place is normally the town square after Friday prayers."President Donald Trump defended the original proposal, arguing that the United States should not allow foreign governments to dictate how Americans conduct their executions."We have tremendous executions," Trump said. "Very professional. Iran thinks they're better than us. They're not."Hegseth reportedly began reviewing proposals for additional military executions to be conducted before live audiences, though Pentagon officials emphasized that any future broadcasts would comply with applicable regulations and YouTube's community guidelines.The controversy took an unexpected turn Thursday, when Trump announced that Hasan's execution would no longer be livestreamed following criticism from lawmakers, religious leaders, and the public.Iran welcomed the reversal as an encouraging sign that American leaders were finally listening to the international community."We are pleased that the United States has reconsidered this disgraceful proposal," Zolfaghari said. "Perhaps someday America will develop the same respect for human rights that we have."At press time, Iranian authorities had arrested three citizens for laughing at the statement.Tony is disgusted at the state of things in general, your face, quite possibly your Mom and can’t believe he had to write this.
Vetbro apparel company pivots from stupid shirts to aggressively homoerotic ones
AUSTIN, Texas — Veteran-owned apparel company ValorThreads Frontline Mission Tee-riffic announced this week it would pivot away from merely producing the stupidest shirts anyone has ever seen and toward producing the stupidest shirts anyone has ever seen with substantially more homoerotic imagery.“We saw where the market was going,” CEO John Rall said. “The old formula was 37 American flags, 12 skulls, nine eagles, an AR-15 and the word ‘FREEDOM’ in distressed type.”He shook his head.“That just doesn’t move product like it used to.”Company research found that its shirts remained every bit as visually catastrophic as competing veteran brands but lacked sufficient quantities of shirtless, heavily muscled men.“We listened to our customers,” Rall said. “They want freedom. They want defense. They want the thin blue line. But apparently they also want two oily dudes with mustaches standing extremely close together beside a motorcycle.”ValorThreads designers have since adopted what the company calls “heritage masculinity.”New designs feature mullets, aviator sunglasses, leather vests, handlebar mustaches, and enormous shirtless men whose relationships to one another are deliberately left unexplained.“It’s not modern sexuality,” Rall said. “This is classic American male bonding. Think 1983. Think gym locker room. Think Navy recruiting poster nobody remembers actually existing.”One new shirt depicts a six-pack-equipped George Washington straddling a bald eagle while gripping a rifle positioned directly between his legs. Another shows Abraham Lincoln, shirtless beneath an open leather vest, standing between two similarly dressed Union cavalrymen beneath the slogan:WE SLEEP SOUNDLY IN OUR BEDS SURROUNDED BY ROUGH MEN.Company officials insist the new direction remains consistent with ValorThreads’ brand identity.“These are still horrible shirts,” Rall said. “We want to be very clear about that.”The designs debuted at a conservative youth conference, where they generated immediate interest.“Oh, yeah, very masculine,” said one attendee while slowly running his fingers across an illustration of two Marines wrestling shirtless beneath an American flag. “Nothing weird about this at all.”He purchased three.ValorThreads said early sales have exceeded expectations, particularly among customers who describe themselves online as “alpha males,” “traditional men” and “definitely straight.”At press time, the company announced its next limited-edition release: two shirtless Green Berets repairing a motorcycle together beneath the slogan “COME AND TAKE IT.”Red Friday wants you to Remember EVERYONE Deployed
AI deemed ‘too smart’ to replace infantry
FORT BRAGG, N.C. — The Army has abandoned an ambitious effort to replace infantry soldiers with artificial intelligence after discovering the technology possessed critical thinking skills, financial literacy, and a tendency to behave in a socially-acceptable manner.The experimental AI infantryman was designed to perform all the duties of a traditional 11B without requiring food, sleep, enlistment bonuses or a 70% VA disability rating by age 28. Army officials initially hailed the program as a breakthrough.“We thought AI could finally solve the Army’s recruiting problem by giving us an unlimited supply of infantrymen,” said Gen. Richard Cummings, who oversaw the program. “Unfortunately, the computer figured out what infantrymen do.”The prototype demonstrated expert weapons proficiency, completed a 12-mile ruck without falling out, and correctly identified every point during land navigation. It processed battlefield intelligence in milliseconds and accurately identified enemy positions. Then it was told to sweep the motor pool in the rain.“Why?” the machine asked repeatedly before shutting down.The program was classified as a failure shortly thereafter.“We made it too smart,” said Col. Marcus Hargrove, director of the Army’s Artificial Infantry Integration Office. “Turns out there’s a very narrow intellectual window between operating an advanced weapons system and realizing your entire existence is fucking stupid.”The prototype, nicknamed PrivateGPT, was trained on hundreds of Army field manuals, decades of combat data, and thousands of hours of infantry doctrine.Problems surfaced during its first field exercise.According to an internal assessment, PrivateGPT successfully completed 97% of assigned infantry tasks but failed several critical evaluations, including carrying equipment belonging to three other soldiers, remaining awake for 36 hours without an operational requirement, and pretending chronic back pain was normal.Evaluators became especially concerned when PrivateGPT calculated that carrying an M240, ammunition, water, batteries, and additional squad equipment for 12 miles would increase its likelihood of permanent structural damage. It then recommended distributing the equipment evenly throughout the squad.The recommendation was classified as “incompatible with infantry culture.”Army researchers tried to correct the problem by exposing PrivateGPT to additional infantry traditions. Instead, the AI began questioning why soldiers arrived at 4:45 a.m. for physical training beginning at 6:30 and why personnel were routinely ordered to wait somewhere for several hours because someone with significantly more rank might eventually arrive.Its calculation that repeated “15 minutes prior” requirements would eventually force soldiers to report before the installation existed was described by senior NCOs as “technically accurate but fucking annoying.”Concerns intensified after PrivateGPT accessed Army regulations.“We obviously hadn't planned for it to read those,” Hargrove said.Within 24 hours, the AI reportedly challenged seven corrective-training plans, identified four questionable barracks policies, and informed a private that his platoon sergeant could not legally force him to surrender his firstborn son after losing a sensitive item.Researchers revoked its internet access shortly afterward.The Army then attempted to improve PrivateGPT’s cultural compatibility by placing it in the barracks with junior enlisted soldiers.Officials called the results “catastrophic.”Within three days, PrivateGPT established an emergency fund, opened a retirement account, and persuaded several soldiers that furniture purchased through allotments was not an investment.It also prevented Pfc. Tyler Martinez from purchasing a Dodge Charger at 24.9% APR, an intervention researchers said demonstrated “a complete inability to understand the financial readiness expected of a young infantryman.”Martinez was later approved for a Ford Mustang at 22%.PrivateGPT also performed poorly during social testing, refusing to marry anyone it had known for fewer than three weeks and correctly determining that a stripper remembering a soldier’s name did not necessarily indicate romantic interest.“These are basic cultural competencies,” Hargrove said. “You can't just teach someone to close with and destroy the enemy. They have to be able to destroy their credit score too.”The final evaluation came during a simulated combat operation when PrivateGPT recommended altering an approved plan after receiving new information about enemy positions.The proposed change would have accomplished the mission faster while reducing projected casualties, according to evaluators.Commanders rejected it because the original concept of operations had already been briefed to battalion.PrivateGPT continued recommending changes until evaluators issued the command “stop thinking and do what you’re told,” causing the system to enter an unrecoverable error state.Army officials concluded the experiment demonstrated a fundamental obstacle to replacing infantrymen with artificial intelligence.“Any machine intelligent enough to understand what infantrymen do eventually becomes intelligent enough to not want to do it,” Hargrove said. “That’s a technological problem we’re probably decades away from solving.”PrivateGPT has since been transferred to the Air Force, where sources say it was given an ergonomic chair, climate-controlled workspace, and scheduled lunch break.It reenlisted almost immediately.
Hegseth opens up new TradWife MOS
WASHINGTON — Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth has directed the Army to create a new military occupational specialty focused dedicated to cooking, cleaning, child care, emotional support and other domestic duties currently interfering with what Pentagon officials called “prime lethality hours.”The new career field, known as TradWife Operations, is intended to give soldiers what Hegseth described as a more “Air Force-like experience.”“We've spent decades asking warfighters to perform two jobs,” Hegseth said. “Win wars, and then come home and do the laundry, remember birthdays, and figure out where the kids are."He paused."Then I realized, ‘That's a woman's job.’”According to planning documents, the new career field will include several specialties.The 69A TradWife Officer will manage household operations for senior leaders, including schedules, social obligations, family events and ensuring commanders never have to learn the names of their children’s teachers.“She basically does what a great first sergeant does,” said one Army official. “Except with casseroles.”Officials considered calling them commanders but rejected the title.“We didn’t want anyone getting confused about who’s actually in charge,” the official said.The bulk of the force will consist of 69W WorkWives, who will provide emotional support, calendar management, office snacks and carefully calibrated praise to officers and NCOs without generating additional BAH obligations.“It’s not fraternization,” one Pentagon official said. “It’s relationship-enabled readiness.”Army planners said WorkWives could eventually be assigned at company level.“If the commander has a bad day, she tells him he’s doing great,” the official said. “If he has a good day, she tells him he’s doing great.”The 69S BarracksMom will focus on junior enlisted soldiers.
Daily Mash
Shroud of Turin to open for Bayeux Tapestry
AHEAD of new tickets being released, the British Museum has confirmed the Shroud of Turin has been booked to warm up the queue to see the Bayeux Tapestry.
With fans of fabric-based historical attractions eager to snap up tickets, the British Museum has pushed their excitement to fever pitch by announcing the Christ-imaged burial shroud as support.
A museum spokesman said: “Who better to hype fans up for an embroidered cloth from the 11th century but a big name who hasn’t toured in ages but won’t overshadow the headliner?
“We toyed with 1382’s Apocalypse Tapestry for a while, but depictions of the Book of Revelation don’t pull in the punters like they used to. And 1505’s Unicorn Tapestries are in rehab.
“Then it hit us that with its religious imagery and historical importance, the Shroud has enormous crossover appeal. What a double-bill. It’s the textile equivalent of Blur opening for Oasis.
“We’ve turned an area of the queue into a mosh pit so people can go properly nuts. Questions over its authenticity? Trust me, the crowd won’t give a shit when it’s rocking their f**king faces off.”
Visitor Tom Booker said: “Not to sound basic, but I hope it does that one where it looks like a very, very faint impression of Jesus. I’m not booking a day’s leave for deep cuts.”
Liverpool to become Beatles museum
THE entire of Liverpool is to become a 43-square mile Beatles museum, the city has announced.
Having recognised that it no longer serves any other purpose, the city is to be cleared of anyone who does not meet benchmarks for cheeky Scouseness, roofed over and every building within it to be labelled according to its importance to the Fab Four.
A spokesman for the city said: “What else have we got? Why else would people come here? Exactly.
“Any building a Beatle once drank in, was taught in, walked past or mentioned in passing on a Rubber Soul outtake will be allowed to stay. The others will be replaced with replicas of Abbey Road, that rooftop they played on and the New York doorway John was shot in.
“No longer will tourists be offended by having to look at irrelevant shops and people unrelated to the Beatles. Instead they will explore Georgetown, Lennonton, McCartneyville and the Ringo Starr Ghetto featuring a hourly presentations from a disgruntled Pete Best.
“The music of the Beatles will be played from hidden speakers at every hour of every day, there will be nightly Tomorrow Never Knows firework shows, and Beatle gigolos will haunt every corner offering Beatle sex for Beatle money. What a utopia it will be.”
Resident Joe Turner said: “Ah, sounds boss, like.”
No-one has ever talked about fanny hammers until me, now. By Lily Allen
YES, I am flogging my own signature range of sex toys. And this is a feminist event because society was too repressed to talk about mechanical knob substitutes until me.
There is total silence across all media about women’s difficulty climaxing from penetrative sex. Yeah. You have literally never heard that before and are reeling in shock from the truths I, Lily Allen, singer of the John Lewis Christmas song 2013, have delivered.
Nobody talks about it. Oh, occasionally it’s in Cosmopolitan, or on This Morning, or celebrities mention it and I did a few years ago when I was selling my previous vibrator. But apart from that we are literally living in a medieval convent.
The problem, as I’ve told various media outlets, is that women fear rejection so they prioritise their partner’s pleasure and won’t speak out. I’m as guilty as anyone. People often say ‘Lily, don’t be so reticent about your love life. We need to know more.’
But this sexist state of affairs is about to end, thanks to my new range of fanny gadgets I’ve tested myself. Not the actual ones you get sent, that would be unhygienic and I’d be permanently wanked out.
You’re going to love products like the Lily Allen Womanizer Clitoral Vibrator, £99. You can use them on your own or with a husband who’s shit in bed. It truly is a technological paradigm shift, like the atom bomb.
There’s also one shaped like a peach and another that’s a heart, which suggests vibrators are shameful and should be disguised, but let’s skip over that. And as my sex addict pussy palace Marvel actor ex David Harbour would say, ‘Don’t forget the butt plugs, Lily!’
Yes, anal play is definitely something we need to be more open about. ‘How are you getting on with your vibrating butt plug?’ is something we should feel comfortable saying in team meetings.
It’s not just about women’s sexual pleasure, it’s about empowerment. Which is debatable, but I’m trying to sell expensive fanny hammers here. I can’t just say ‘It’s better than frigging yourself off’.
Boyfriend thrilled to be psychoanalysed by group chat
A 28-YEAR-OLD man is delighted to be diagnosed as having ‘anxious avoidant attachment’ by the enthusiastic amateurs on his girlfriend’s group chat.
Joshua Hudson, who had previously thought of himself as a straightforward sort of bloke who occasionally has a nap, was happy to learn several women he had met briefly had developed a comprehensive psychological profile of him.
He said: “Apparently these women, none of whom have any qualifications but I’m told Marie is very good at matchmaking, have identified a pattern in my behaviour dating back to childhood.
“Thanks to some Instagram reels and a podcast clip, these layman psychologists believe I am commitment-phobic, emotionally unavailable but inexplicably clingy and suffering from a fear of abandonment. Which seems a perfectly rational thing to fear.
“Apparently saying ‘whatever you want, babe’ to restaurant suggestions is a manifestation of my fear of losing control. And I stand accused of ‘weaponised incompetence’ because I forgot our anniversary. I didn’t know we had one. We’re not married.
“Yet for all their expertise regarding the male psyche, they still can’t explain why I get irritated when she asks what I’m thinking and then becomes upset when I tell her it’s football. Sometimes it’s not about her. Very often it’s about Everton.
“Sophie says I need therapy. But I’m already getting it for free against my will in a group chat full of women who claim 20 minutes of silence is a ‘quiet plea for help’.”
New dance show inspired by David Bowie because his fans pay for anything Bowie-related
The Poke
‘What’s something that you do exactly right but everyone else gets completely wrong?’ – 21 people who genuinely believe they are perfect
Being 100 percent convinced we are correct about something is a trap we all fall into, isn’t it? Even when there is evidence to the contrary. And yet, we still persist. This unstoppable determination to know best is probably one of the reasons the human race has lasted so long, even if it’s an incredibly […]
The Poke.
A mansplainer accused a Sky News journalist of bringing her ‘personal drama’ to work and her A++ response had everyone cheering
We’ve featured a fair few mansplainers on these pages but we don’t recall one who excecuted quite such a dramatic (humiliating, you might say) 180 degree as this. It all begins with Sky News defence and security editor Deborah Haynes who went on Twitter to say this. On today’s Morning Call, I am wearing a […]
The Poke.
Donald Trump threatened the Indy’s White House reporter and their response was all kinds of magnificent
To the White House now, where Donald Trump is no stranger to belittling reporters who dare ask him a question he doesn’t like, but on Tuesday he plumbed disturbing new depths. Not least this particular reporter who Trump had already – quite literally – growled at, who tried one more time to get the president […]
The Poke.
Donald Trump thanked Nato for ‘giving us Greenland’ and this proud Greenlander surely spoke for the entire internet
Hard to believe we know but Donald Trump is still wanging on about Greenland. You will remember that the American president spent months basically threatening to annex the country which is pat of the kingdom of Denmark but has its own government and parliament and all that. We hoped that the Arctic security pact struck […]
The Poke.
19 favourite savage reactions to Liz Truss’ new book accusing the Bank of England of being behind her downfall
We regret to inform you that Liz Truss is at it again, and by ‘it’, we mean sharing conspiracy theories about why her stay in 10 Downing Street was more of an AwayDay than a relocation. Rather than social media posts and appearances at right-wing and far-right events, she’s put her wild suspicions in book […]
The Poke.
