The Onion
Plan To Splurge Scrapped On Account Of Price
SAN FRANCISCO—Immediately reconsidering her decision to treat herself to a little spending spree upon seeing how much it would cost, local woman Christina Rogers reportedly scrapped her plan to splurge Thursday on account of the price. “I told myself I was going to reward my hard work this week by dropping some serious dough on a nice shirt, but then I saw what they charge for a nice shirt,” said Rogers, adding that she abandoned the idea of spending lavishly on herself when she checked the price tag and realized she would have to pay $89.99 plus tax. “This money is burning a hole in my pocket, but the hole isn’t that big. Hopefully I’ll have a chance to splurge more responsibly if this goes on sale in a month or two.” At press time, sources confirmed Rogers had taken her desire to splurge to the clearance rack.
The Onion.
Mom Making Her Birthday All About Her
DAVENPORT, IA—In a shocking and distressing display of self-centered behavior on “this day of all days,” the grown children of Lynn Sullivan confirmed Thursday that their mom was making her birthday entirely about her. “It’s just ‘me, me, me,’ with her today. Unbelievable,” said 19-year-old son Brian Sullivan, who was reportedly upset by the lack of attention he received on his mother’s 53rd birthday that morning. “She just thinks the world revolves around her, even when it’s her birthday. She could’ve asked if maybe I might like some breakfast in bed too, but no—all she cared about was getting hers. And I guess she just decided that Aunt Becky is gonna come over for coffee later? I don’t remember agreeing to that, but okay. God, this is the exact same shit she pulled on Mother’s Day.” At press time, Sullivan expressed relief that his mom would at least still be cooking dinner that evening.
The Onion.
Nathan Fielder Quietly Deletes Footage Of Theranos Machine Working Perfectly
The Onion.
The Onion’s Exclusive Interview With Elizabeth Holmes
You Can See Everything, a documentary that follows Theranos founder Elizabeth Holmes in the month before her prison sentence, has debuted to critical acclaim. The Onion sat down with Holmes to discuss what’s new.
The Onion : Can we get you anything before starting?
Elizabeth Holmes: I would love a glass of $12 million.
The Onion : How are you feeling?
Billy Evans: I’ll take this. She’s feeling great, thanks.
The Onion : What piece of media would you say is the most accurate depiction of who you truly are?
Holmes: Probably the show Monk.
The Onion : Have you lost a lot of friends due to your legal troubles?
Holmes: Yes. That is what happened. I did have lots of friends, but I lost them.
The Onion : Are you still in touch with Walgreens?
Holmes: I’ve been on hold on the phone with them for about 10 years now.
The Onion : Is there anything you think the public misunderstands?
Holmes: Theranos only used blood from stray dogs we lured to our dog abattoir; no one missed those dogs.
The Onion : Does your family still trust you?
Holmes: Absolutely. Don’t tell them I’m in prison, though. They think I’m on vacation in Jamaica.
The Onion.
Pelicans Announce Upcoming ‘Basketball Night’
NEW ORLEANS—In an effort to boost attendance and reach new fans, the New Orleans Pelicans announced Tuesday an upcoming “Basketball Night” promotion honoring the popular sport. “Fans at the game on Mar. 11 will not only get to see their hometown Pelicans, but they’ll also get a chance to immerse themselves in the game of basketball through an array of special programming designed to capture the excitement of NBA competition,” said Pelicans spokesperson Sam Shannon, adding that the theme night will feature hands-on activities that will make attendees feel as though they’re experiencing real NBA basketball—including photo opportunities with life-size cutouts of league stars like Victor Wembanyama, dance performances set to iconic basketball anthems, and free Los Angeles Lakers hats for the first 10,000 fans, along with other giveaways meant to give the people of New Orleans a taste of high-level hoops. “For one night only, New Orleans will be home to high-flying NBA action, and the Pelicans will be there as well. Whether you root for the Celtics, the Warriors, or one of the many other franchises across the country, we encourage you to get into the NBA spirit by repping your favorite team’s jersey. Join us in bringing basketball right here to the Smoothie King Center.” As an added bonus, Shannon revealed that the NBA’s own Toronto Raptors will be coming to town for the event, giving fans the chance to see real elite professional basketball players compete in the flesh.
The Onion.
ClickHole
Abuse Of Power: An Investigation Found That Zohran Mamdani Has Been Quietly Using NYC Street Sweepers To Clean His Personal Home
NYC Mayor Zohran Mamdani’s socialist views may be polarizing, but not even his biggest critics can point to corruption as a concern about his first term in office—at least, not yet. Unfortunately, a new scandal threatens to derail all the goodwill he’s accumulated so far: An investigation has found that Mayor Mamdani has been quietly using NYC street sweepers to clean his personal home.
What a horrible look for Mayor Mamdani. The bar for politicians was in hell, and it just got a little lower. Ugh.
According to a New York Post investigation published today, Mayor Zohran Mamdani allegedly made backdoor deals with the Department Of Sanitation to have city-owned street sweepers clean his personal residence at Gracie Mansion. The report found that soon after taking office in January 2026, Mamdani privately redirected weekly street sweeper routes to collect litter from his bedroom, living room, kitchen, and bathrooms – personal spaces where the mayor is not subject to the same alternate side parking rules and enforcement that New Yorkers are on all other public street cleaning routes.
Sources say say the mayor’s first course of action upon moving into Gracie Mansion was to construct a “private, street sweeper-sized entrance” on the back of the home, and “renovate all staircases into street sweeper-accommodating ramps” that would allow the street cleaning vehicles to sweep the entire house and return to the street with discretion.
When asked for comment, Mayor Mamdani agreed to a phone call with New York Post reporters after returning home from City Hall for the night, but his response to the allegations was “completely inaudible over the deafening clamor of street sweepers.”
Just unbelievably disappointing. Turns out Zohran Mamdani is no less crooked than Eric Adams.
It’s no wonder Mamdani gets along with President Trump so well, since they both can’t help but abuse the power Americans entrusted to them. We truly never fathomed that Mayor Mamdani would stoop to using a taxpayer-funded street sweeper for personal cleaning purposes, but here we are. Sigh. New York deserves so much better.
Bold New Angle: Patagonia Is Advertising Their New Line Of Raincoats By Saying They ‘Repel 100 Percent Of Cumshots’
Though the outerwear brand Patagonia is known for its eco-friendly messaging, it seems like they’re ready to shake things up, because they’re now advertising their new line of raincoats by saying they repel 100 percent of cumshots.
Goodbye greenwashing… hello cumwashing!
Hitting stores this week, the Patagonia Ultralight Cumshell Jacket builds upon the brand’s three-layer rain shell base by adding a cum-repellent latex panel designed to keep the wearer safe during jizz-heavy activities. With an adjustable hood that even includes a roll-down visor, wearers can feel great knowing that they’ll truly stay dry no matter how many people (or animals!) are cumming on them all day.
Well, this is definitely a bold way to market a rain coat! While it remains unclear whether or not the brand thinks this is a sex jacket or just an outdoorsy clothing item that happen to be more cum-focused, you have to think a jacket like this will find its audience on its own. As of publication, this is the only cum-preventative jacket on the market.
Your move, The North Face!
Remaining Defiant: Jerry Seinfeld Has Announced That In Response To Criticism Of His Support For Israel, He Will Be Dating Another 17-Year-Old
A recent incident where Jerry Seinfeld responded to hecklers accusing him of supporting genocide by saying, “I am a racist, it’s a genocide, I’m into it,” showed that the comedian isn’t ashamed to defend his pro-Israel stance. But now the beloved comedian is proving more than ever that he’s not backing down: Jerry Seinfeld has announced that in response to criticism of his support for Israel, he will be dating another 17-year-old.
Damn! Looks like Israel got a new attack dog, and his name is Jerry Seinfeld.
During an interview on SiriusXM’s ‘We Got Company,’ Seinfeld doubled down on his defense of Israel, stating, “They say I can’t support Israel. They heckle my performances. They slander me online. But I won’t apologize. In fact, thanks to the constant harassment these people put me through, I will be dating another 17-year-old.”
“I’ve had enough! I thought about doing ‘Unfrosted 2’ to get back at these jerks, but I wanted to go even further,” he continued. “So I will be prowling parks near high schools in search of a new underage girlfriend. I don’t care what my haters think. I don’t care what my wife thinks. And I don’t care what the 17-year-old thinks. We’re going to be in love, and she is going to be 17 and very busty for her age. You thought the age gap was bad when I was 39? Just wait until I have a 17-year-old girlfriend NOW. I’m going to be proud as ever to support Israel and have a 17-year-old girlfriend. Because calling me a racist comes with consequences. And those consequences are 17 years old.”
Whoa! No matter where you stand on the Israel issue/72-year-olds dating children, you’ve gotta admire Seinfeld’s conviction here.
Looks like when you mess with Jerry, you get the horns. If you’re an anti-Israel activist, you may want to think twice before the next time you heckle Seinfeld.
An Interesting Detail About Her Past: Mom Just Casually Revealed She Had 18 Kids With Another Man Before She Married Dad
Mom has always been honest and open about her past, which is why the detail she just dropped is so interesting:
Mom just casually revealed she had 18 kids with another man before she married Dad.
Whoa! It’s almost like she had an entirely different life before her and Dad got together.
Last night, upon seeing a mother pushing triplets around in a stroller, Mom, without much fanfare at all, let it slip that she’d had triplets not once, but twice prior to starting her relationship with Dad. That led to her saying, “Yeah, I had…” stopping to do the math in her head, and then finishing, “Eighteen kids with the guy I was with before I met your father.”
Surprised that we were treating it like it was a big deal, Mom continued, “Oh, I thought I told you about that,” then, in response to being asked, “Where are your 18 kids now?” she just shrugged and said, “Who knows. I haven’t thought about them in a while.”
After briefly changing the subject to how she was excited for Christmas this year, the 18 previously unknown children were brought up again, at which point she nonchalantly disclosed that she had been the subject of a reality show called, “Eighteen’s Enough,” which ran for six seasons on the E! network and that two of the kids were named, “Jason” because she ran out of names she liked.
Dang! It’s easy to just see your parents as being just your parents their entire lives, so it’s hard to imagine that at one time they were the parent of 18 other kids you’ve never met. This really makes Mom seem like a whole new person!
Heartbreaking: There’s Not A Single Outfit This Man Can Pull Off
Better get out the heart glue, because this is going to break your heart: There’s not a single outfit this man can pull off.
Oof. Some men are just trying too hard to pull off a look that doesn’t work for them, but this one…this one can’t pull off any of them.
Forty-two-year-old Subaru salesman Lyonel Brinks has tried the concert t-shirt and ripped jeans look.
He’s tried the buttoned-up casual polo shirt and khakis look.
He’s tried a leather jacket.
He’s tried a sports jersey and sweatpants.
But every single last outfit, whether it’s something simple and timeless or something bold and cutting edge, leaves him looking like a child wearing an unidentifiable Halloween costume.
Tailored, oversized, vintage-inspired, hat, no-hat, no matter what, Lionel looks like he’s trying too hard, uncomfortable, and somehow “kidding” with what he wears, as if it’s meant to me a joke. Even when he’s just wearing a pair of jeans from J.Crew and a white oxford shirt.
Dressed up, he looks like a schlubby guy who’s overdressed for dinner at Olive Garden. Dressed down, he looks like he just rolled out of bed to take a leak at 3 a.m. Clothes that fit him perfectly only serve to accentuate his odd proportions and weird neck angle, and clothes that fit him relaxed immediately make him look 70 pounds heavier.
Honestly, the look he came closest to pulling off was when he dressed up in a steampunk outfit to go to a local gaming convention, and that was only because no guys can really pull off a steampunk look so he just didn’t look any worse than the guys who can sort of pull it off.
There’s simply nothing Lionel can wear that doesn’t make everyone who looks at him feel sort of sorry for him.
To make matters worse, Lionel just booked his first tattoo appointment, and no matter what he gets, and no matter where it goes, you know that this is only going to serve to make him look even less like he’s pulling off whatever he’s wearing.
All hearts break for Lionel. This is so, so sad.
Duffel Blog
Hegseth consults God via dumpster fire behind Pentagon
PENTAGON — Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth announced this week that God had spoken directly to him through what he referred to as “a burning repository of divine origin.”The repository was later revealed to be a four-cubic-yard, 2,000-pound Wastequip dumpster located behind the Pentagon, with Hegseth explaining, “The Lord works in mysterious ways.”“The Holy Trinity told me I had to work harder to keep my promises,” Hegseth said. “I don’t see this as a warning from the Lord. No, really, it’s vindication that I’m on a holy path.”During a two-hour press conference, Hegseth explained his understanding of his promise to the Almighty. He believed God wanted him to focus on restoring America as a Christian nation, destroying God’s enemies with righteous divine justice, and remove shrimp, lobster, and crab from all dining facilities.“With God on our side, we now know there’s no negotiating with Iran, Cuba and, maybe, even though we announced a deal, Greenland again,” Hegseth said.Moments later, he pulled out a Bible and read a verse.“2 Chronicles 32:7: ‘Be strong and courageous, be not afraid nor dismayed …’” Hegseth said.He paused and smelled his suit.“‘And when thy Lord appears unto thee as a four-yard commercial dumpster, breatheth shallowly through thy mouth, weareth a mask with appropriate particulate filtration and always stay upwind.’”
US to livestream execution of Ukraine
WASHINGTON — The Trump administration said it would livestream the execution of Ukraine, replacing a planned broadcast of convicted Fort Hood shooter Nidal Hasan's death with what officials are calling the largest pay-per-view event in American military history.Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth said the decision came after President Donald Trump canceled plans to televise Hasan’s execution following widespread criticism that broadcasting a man’s death would be barbaric.“We heard the concerns of the American people,” Hegseth said. “Some people were uncomfortable watching a defenseless man get shot. So we’re going to show them 40 million defenseless people getting shot instead.”The broadcast, tentatively titled UKRAINE: THE FINAL BETRAYAL, will feature live satellite feeds, commentary from administration officials, and a halftime performance by Kid Rock.“Nobody does executions like us,” Trump told reporters. “Nobody. We’re talking about an entire country. Beautiful country. Very big. And we’re going to do it live. The ratings will be unbelievable.”Trump said the event would begin with a ceremonial lifting of sanctions on Russia, followed by a military demonstration in which Elon Musk personally toggles Ukraine’s Starlink service on and off while Russian drones approach their targets.“Elon has a button. Very powerful button," Trump said. "He can turn the internet off for an entire army. And the best part is, we don’t even have to fire a shot.”Musk confirmed he would participate, saying Ukraine should be grateful he allowed it to have internet in the first place.
Iran condemns US plan to livestream execution as barbaric
TEHRAN, Iran — Iranian officials condemned the Pentagon's proposal to livestream the execution of convicted Fort Hood shooter Nidal Hasan, calling the plan a grotesque display of state violence that no civilized government should tolerate."Absolutely barbaric," said Islamic Revolutionary Guard Corps spokesman Ebrahim Zolfaghari. "What kind of country turns an execution into a public spectacle? Have these people no shame?"Zolfaghari made the remarks following Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth's announcement that Hasan, convicted of killing 13 people at Fort Hood in 2009, would be executed by firing squad in a ceremony broadcast to the public."We once executed a man's horse," Zolfaghari said. "Even we knew not to livestream it."In an official statement, the Iranian government questioned whether the United States had abandoned the basic principles of dignity and restraint that distinguish civilized societies from authoritarian regimes."Public executions are intended to be solemn affairs conducted with the utmost professionalism," the statement read. "Transforming them into entertainment diminishes the dignity of the state, the condemned, and the terrified citizens compelled to attend."Iranian officials were particularly disturbed that Americans could watch the execution from the comfort of their own homes."An execution is not a television program," Zolfaghari said. "It is an important government function, traditionally attended by thousands of unwilling spectators."The statement urged American leaders to consider the moral implications of normalizing public brutality."Once a government begins displaying executions for political purposes, where does it end?" Zolfaghari asked. "Soon your citizens become accustomed to watching people die. And then what? You start hanging dissidents from cranes?"He shook his head."That's a very dangerous path."Iranian state television devoted extensive coverage to the controversy, interrupting its regularly scheduled programming of public confessions, fingernail-pulling competitions, and revolutionary tribunals to condemn the American proposal.One Tehran resident expressed particular concern about the example the United States was setting for younger generations."Children should not grow up believing it is normal for their government to execute people in public," she said. "There is a time and place for such things, and that place is normally the town square after Friday prayers."President Donald Trump defended the original proposal, arguing that the United States should not allow foreign governments to dictate how Americans conduct their executions."We have tremendous executions," Trump said. "Very professional. Iran thinks they're better than us. They're not."Hegseth reportedly began reviewing proposals for additional military executions to be conducted before live audiences, though Pentagon officials emphasized that any future broadcasts would comply with applicable regulations and YouTube's community guidelines.The controversy took an unexpected turn Thursday, when Trump announced that Hasan's execution would no longer be livestreamed following criticism from lawmakers, religious leaders, and the public.Iran welcomed the reversal as an encouraging sign that American leaders were finally listening to the international community."We are pleased that the United States has reconsidered this disgraceful proposal," Zolfaghari said. "Perhaps someday America will develop the same respect for human rights that we have."At press time, Iranian authorities had arrested three citizens for laughing at the statement.Tony is disgusted at the state of things in general, your face, quite possibly your Mom and can’t believe he had to write this.
Vetbro apparel company pivots from stupid shirts to aggressively homoerotic ones
AUSTIN, Texas — Veteran-owned apparel company ValorThreads Frontline Mission Tee-riffic announced this week it would pivot away from merely producing the stupidest shirts anyone has ever seen and toward producing the stupidest shirts anyone has ever seen with substantially more homoerotic imagery.“We saw where the market was going,” CEO John Rall said. “The old formula was 37 American flags, 12 skulls, nine eagles, an AR-15 and the word ‘FREEDOM’ in distressed type.”He shook his head.“That just doesn’t move product like it used to.”Company research found that its shirts remained every bit as visually catastrophic as competing veteran brands but lacked sufficient quantities of shirtless, heavily muscled men.“We listened to our customers,” Rall said. “They want freedom. They want defense. They want the thin blue line. But apparently they also want two oily dudes with mustaches standing extremely close together beside a motorcycle.”ValorThreads designers have since adopted what the company calls “heritage masculinity.”New designs feature mullets, aviator sunglasses, leather vests, handlebar mustaches, and enormous shirtless men whose relationships to one another are deliberately left unexplained.“It’s not modern sexuality,” Rall said. “This is classic American male bonding. Think 1983. Think gym locker room. Think Navy recruiting poster nobody remembers actually existing.”One new shirt depicts a six-pack-equipped George Washington straddling a bald eagle while gripping a rifle positioned directly between his legs. Another shows Abraham Lincoln, shirtless beneath an open leather vest, standing between two similarly dressed Union cavalrymen beneath the slogan:WE SLEEP SOUNDLY IN OUR BEDS SURROUNDED BY ROUGH MEN.Company officials insist the new direction remains consistent with ValorThreads’ brand identity.“These are still horrible shirts,” Rall said. “We want to be very clear about that.”The designs debuted at a conservative youth conference, where they generated immediate interest.“Oh, yeah, very masculine,” said one attendee while slowly running his fingers across an illustration of two Marines wrestling shirtless beneath an American flag. “Nothing weird about this at all.”He purchased three.ValorThreads said early sales have exceeded expectations, particularly among customers who describe themselves online as “alpha males,” “traditional men” and “definitely straight.”At press time, the company announced its next limited-edition release: two shirtless Green Berets repairing a motorcycle together beneath the slogan “COME AND TAKE IT.”Red Friday wants you to Remember EVERYONE Deployed
AI deemed ‘too smart’ to replace infantry
FORT BRAGG, N.C. — The Army has abandoned an ambitious effort to replace infantry soldiers with artificial intelligence after discovering the technology possessed critical thinking skills, financial literacy, and a tendency to behave in a socially-acceptable manner.The experimental AI infantryman was designed to perform all the duties of a traditional 11B without requiring food, sleep, enlistment bonuses or a 70% VA disability rating by age 28. Army officials initially hailed the program as a breakthrough.“We thought AI could finally solve the Army’s recruiting problem by giving us an unlimited supply of infantrymen,” said Gen. Richard Cummings, who oversaw the program. “Unfortunately, the computer figured out what infantrymen do.”The prototype demonstrated expert weapons proficiency, completed a 12-mile ruck without falling out, and correctly identified every point during land navigation. It processed battlefield intelligence in milliseconds and accurately identified enemy positions. Then it was told to sweep the motor pool in the rain.“Why?” the machine asked repeatedly before shutting down.The program was classified as a failure shortly thereafter.“We made it too smart,” said Col. Marcus Hargrove, director of the Army’s Artificial Infantry Integration Office. “Turns out there’s a very narrow intellectual window between operating an advanced weapons system and realizing your entire existence is fucking stupid.”The prototype, nicknamed PrivateGPT, was trained on hundreds of Army field manuals, decades of combat data, and thousands of hours of infantry doctrine.Problems surfaced during its first field exercise.According to an internal assessment, PrivateGPT successfully completed 97% of assigned infantry tasks but failed several critical evaluations, including carrying equipment belonging to three other soldiers, remaining awake for 36 hours without an operational requirement, and pretending chronic back pain was normal.Evaluators became especially concerned when PrivateGPT calculated that carrying an M240, ammunition, water, batteries, and additional squad equipment for 12 miles would increase its likelihood of permanent structural damage. It then recommended distributing the equipment evenly throughout the squad.The recommendation was classified as “incompatible with infantry culture.”Army researchers tried to correct the problem by exposing PrivateGPT to additional infantry traditions. Instead, the AI began questioning why soldiers arrived at 4:45 a.m. for physical training beginning at 6:30 and why personnel were routinely ordered to wait somewhere for several hours because someone with significantly more rank might eventually arrive.Its calculation that repeated “15 minutes prior” requirements would eventually force soldiers to report before the installation existed was described by senior NCOs as “technically accurate but fucking annoying.”Concerns intensified after PrivateGPT accessed Army regulations.“We obviously hadn't planned for it to read those,” Hargrove said.Within 24 hours, the AI reportedly challenged seven corrective-training plans, identified four questionable barracks policies, and informed a private that his platoon sergeant could not legally force him to surrender his firstborn son after losing a sensitive item.Researchers revoked its internet access shortly afterward.The Army then attempted to improve PrivateGPT’s cultural compatibility by placing it in the barracks with junior enlisted soldiers.Officials called the results “catastrophic.”Within three days, PrivateGPT established an emergency fund, opened a retirement account, and persuaded several soldiers that furniture purchased through allotments was not an investment.It also prevented Pfc. Tyler Martinez from purchasing a Dodge Charger at 24.9% APR, an intervention researchers said demonstrated “a complete inability to understand the financial readiness expected of a young infantryman.”Martinez was later approved for a Ford Mustang at 22%.PrivateGPT also performed poorly during social testing, refusing to marry anyone it had known for fewer than three weeks and correctly determining that a stripper remembering a soldier’s name did not necessarily indicate romantic interest.“These are basic cultural competencies,” Hargrove said. “You can't just teach someone to close with and destroy the enemy. They have to be able to destroy their credit score too.”The final evaluation came during a simulated combat operation when PrivateGPT recommended altering an approved plan after receiving new information about enemy positions.The proposed change would have accomplished the mission faster while reducing projected casualties, according to evaluators.Commanders rejected it because the original concept of operations had already been briefed to battalion.PrivateGPT continued recommending changes until evaluators issued the command “stop thinking and do what you’re told,” causing the system to enter an unrecoverable error state.Army officials concluded the experiment demonstrated a fundamental obstacle to replacing infantrymen with artificial intelligence.“Any machine intelligent enough to understand what infantrymen do eventually becomes intelligent enough to not want to do it,” Hargrove said. “That’s a technological problem we’re probably decades away from solving.”PrivateGPT has since been transferred to the Air Force, where sources say it was given an ergonomic chair, climate-controlled workspace, and scheduled lunch break.It reenlisted almost immediately.
Daily Mash
Five sex positions that will help you find your missing earbud
WANT to keep your sex life exciting, but also find those earbuds you keep losing? Try these erotic positions and buying pricey replacements will be a thing of the past.
Reverse cowgirl
Start with this, because it allows you to do a thorough visual sweep of the room, and we all know how far those little earbud bastards can travel after falling out in bed. The woman should straddle the man while facing away from him with her eyes peeled, and finally spotting that bloody AirPod behind a radiator pipe is likely to lead to an orgasm on its own.
Seated wheelbarrow
A version of traditional doggy-style with enormous earbud-locating potential. The woman should place her hands on the floor and have a good look under the bed while she is entered from behind. Her pleasure will be intensified by retrieving a dusty Panasonic earbud, and the bonus of finding a half-eaten bag of crisps will make up for any shortcomings in her partner’s performance.
69
Don’t worry if previous attempts have been marred by his ineptitude at cunnilingus, it’s easier to find an earbud than a clitoris. Different top-to-tail 69 positions means he or she can be instructed to have a good look round the foot of the bed while they’re down there, and the sheer faff of clambering around should dislodge any audio devices hidden in the bedding. An orgasm will be the icing on the cake of not having to listen to your podcast in mono later.
The flatiron
Once you’ve worked out that this annoying Americanism means the prone position, the woman lying face down means she can sensually check the headboard area. Admittedly not that popular with couples, probably because it’s the first place you looked and the missing earbud probably bounced somewhere.
The waterfall
An unusual position that will liven up any sex life, where the man hangs off the end of the bed with his shoulders on the floor and the woman sits on top, meaning he can have a good look under bedroom furniture to his left and right. It’s unclear what the actual sexual purpose of the waterfall is, but proponents say climaxing while finding an extremely expensive Bose earphone is the ultimate sexual experience.
Man’s hangover cures becoming increasingly elaborate
A MAN’S attempts to cure his hangovers are getting increasingly complicated to the point where they may be too difficult to do while hungover.
Martin Bishop, 41, is in the difficult position of loving getting shitfaced, but finding that quick, no-nonsense hangover cures have stopped working as well due to being old.
Bishop said: “When I was younger I used to be able to shake a hangover off by mid-morning with coffee, a shower and maybe a quick vomit. Those happy days are gone.
“Drinking a litre of orange juice with a full English breakfast worked for a bit, but I was forced to move on to wanking and sleeping for ages. Sadly nowadays two wanks just wear me out, and spending most of the day in bed isn’t much use unless you can turn up to work at 5pm.
“So now my preparations start the night before by downing a pint of milk thistle juice while having a cold shower, then sleeping sitting upright so the alcohol doesn’t stay in my brain.
“In the morning I do the local park’s boot camp, which purges jets of toxins through my mouth, then I take an ice bath and sit down to a breakfast of dry sourdough toast with whale song playing in the background.
“The only problem is it’s way too exhausting to do with a hangover. A bloke in the pub swears by Thai massage, but hungover I’m not sure I could cope with the social interaction. Or a wank.”
Friend Nathan Muir said: “Martin could just meet us in the pub at lunchtime for an ever-reliable hair of the dog, but he’s going to an acupuncturist once he’s finished his kelp and wheatgrass smoothie.”
‘More of your National Front memories after this from Phil Collins’: 25 minutes with GB News Radio
GB News is launching its own radio station to win round those few Britons not already devoted to its TV channel. Here’s a sneak preview:
“Good afternoon, you’re with me, Nigel Farage all the way until 5pm, followed by Robert Jenrick’s Drivetime and Suella Braverman taking us into the night on Britain’s only unbiased, politically neutral radio station.
“That was Slade from back in the halcyon days when the Black Country was white, and you wouldn’t find that played on Radio 1 so who are the real bigots in our society? I think you know.
“Lots of people calling in with their happy memories of being in the National Front in Slade’s heyday, a group of like-minded souls who enjoyed honest English activities like picnics, graffiti and firebombing. Ah, memory lane.
“Roy of Hemel Hampstead has texted in – well done mastering that new technology Roy, those touchscreens are bloody tricky – to say those nights rampaging through Deptford in 18-hole Doc Martens were the happiest of his life. I wish I could have been there.
“Later on we’ll be talking about cryptocurrency and why you should invest your life savings in it, but before that our daily quiz, Is That Racist? I’ll describe a number of everyday situations and you tell me if they’re racist. No wrong answers! Apart from ‘yes’.
“Also this hour we’ve got traffic reports, and I can tell you already we’ve got several jams caused by uncontrolled immigration, and the only climate change-free weather report. It was hot in the 1970s too, you know! And we didn’t have all these gays.
“Speaking of which, here’s Morrissey taking us up to the hour with his classic hit Bengali In Platforms, a number one hit if not for the BBC, and don’t worry out there, he’s one of us.”
Scottish music: Should you listen to it?
SHARLEEN Spiteri chose not to go on The Celebrity Traitors, it turns out. But this reminder of Texas raises a wider question: should you listen to Scottish music? Let’s look at the nation’s top songs.
Shang-a-Lang, The Bay City Rollers
The Rollers exploded onto the 1971 scene with a bland form of glam rock and the body-positive message that weird-looking twats could be attractive to women too. Scotland’s greatest band, and ‘Doin’ doo wop be dooby do aye’ is widely considered to be the nation’s finest line of poetry.
Take Me Out, Franz Ferdinand
In 2004 Franz Ferdinand’s fresh, dynamic indie sound proved Scotland could hold its own against the like of The Strokes and Kaiser Chiefs, and that they’d got another band besides Runrig. Sadly being good does not make them representative of Scottish music, which is more like:
Donald Where’s Your Troosers?, Andy Stewart and The White Heather Group
This comedy folk song is the very essence of Scottish music, and the country’s identity itself. Stewart gives a side-splitting account of a man being asked repeatedly by women why he isn’t wearing trousers. The answer, of course, is that he is wearing a kilt. At least we hope that is what’s happening, and he is not merely a Caledonian pervert.
I Wish I Was a Punk Rocker (With Flowers in My Hair), Sandi Thom
Sandi’s earnest lament that she missed out on earlier youth movements due to her age was criticised for its naive lyrics and inauthenticity because she was on a major label. Such criticism was unfair, since the main problem with the song is that it is absolute, total crap.
The Skye Boat Song, various artists
The song every Scotsperson listens to on a daily basis, ideally the version by Roger Whittaker and Des O’Connor. ‘Speed, bonny boat, like a bird on the wing’ remains one of the most evocative lines in music, despite there being no evidence that arrogant, unelected ‘Bonny’ Prince Charlie would have been in any way preferable to other kings of the time, who loved a good massacre or a disembowelling.
Just Like Honey, The Jesus and Mary Chain
Iconic and hugely influential post-punk band whose tuneful squalls of white noise were emulated by countless others including The Pixies and Nirvana. Sadly they also directly influenced the shoegazer movement of the 90s, so thanks for all those boring Slowdive gigs, JAMC.
I Don’t Want a Lover, Texas
Not, surprisingly, about the friend zone, but emotionally unsupportive exes. It’s hard, and indeed just weird, to criticise Texas for their slightly innovative country-influenced pop-rock with slide guitar. Ideal for not distracting you too much when you’re driving, and that’s what you want from a song.
Scotland the Brave, The Royal Scots Dragoon Guards
Bagpipe music is the pinnacle of Scottish culture and central to their way of life. Scots love screeching military music so much it’s the genre of choice in nightclubs, at summer music festivals and as sexy background music for lovers. Perfect if your idea of a good tune is one that makes you subconsciously think someone’s about to bayonet you.
It’ll mess with your telly’s contrast, and other surprising ways Storm Austen will f**k you up
STORM Austen is barrelling towards the UK, and it’s going to play havoc with your life in ways you’d never have predicted. Like these:
It’ll mess with your telly’s contrast
Meteorologists aren’t sure how exactly, but it’s probably something to do with your dish. Either way, the contrast and colour will be bumped up to ungodly levels like your parents’ TV they have no idea how to operate. It’ll take seconds to fix, but why isn’t the news reporting on your hardship like people with a tree in their house?
It’ll convince you to buy a jacket that isn’t you
So far you’ve refused to give in to middle-age and buy a North Face jacket. But when Storm Austen forcefully points out the inadequacy of your existing one, you’ll buckle and buy a big warm practical coat with the prominent logo that says ‘I am boring and settled now’. Your workmates will rip the piss out of you and it will be too much even for your wife, who’ll leave you for someone more exciting. Stick to your old jacket even if you get pneumonia.
It’ll add you to annoying WhatsApp Groups
By obscuring your phone screen with leaves and water droplets, Storm Austen could cause you to accidentally tap on WhatsApp groups you’ve avoided for years. Old school friends and colleagues will be delighted that you’ve finally entered awful chats titled ‘Shane Gillis Appreciation Society’ and ‘Q4 social drinks planning committee’ – and now you can’t leave without the app snitching on you. Forget people with flooded-out homes, you’re the real victim here.
It’ll embarrass you on a date
Storm Austen will ruin the outfit you’ve carefully put together and force the fancy restaurant you’ve booked to close due to storm damage. Even if you manage to meet up with your date with all the trains cancelled, the storm will kill the vibe anyway with unsexy, freezing horizontal rain. There’s even a small chance it will blow one of your exes into the vicinity to laugh at you. Why isn’t the Met Office warning people about this?
It’ll undermine your self-confidence
As you struggle to work through 80mph winds it will be as if Storm Austen is mocking the shit job you’re going to, and your receding hairline it’s recklessly blowing about. In this insecure frame of mind, even watching it toss litter about will remind you of obscure flaws like the way you throw like a girl. The sooner we have more fossil fuel projects like Jackdaw and the planet becomes a barren, weatherless rock, the better.
The Poke
JD Vance was heckled by a particularly vocal protestor and responded with the all the maturity and intelligence you’d expect of the VP
Donald Trump and JD Vance continue to tour the nation in a last ditch effort to salvage key races across swing states in the upcoming midterms. Based on the crowd reactions, it might not be working. Both the President and Vice President have been getting regularly interrupted by hecklers and protestors voicing their displeasure with […]
The Poke.
Kash Patel says Trump brings us all together and the entire internet agreed – just not the way he intended
It’s been a while since Kash Patel has made an appearance in public. Considering whenever he does pop up, it’s either to binge drink with hockey players or to defend bestiality, that’s probably a good thing. And while his latest sound bite isn’t the worst thing he’s ever done in public, it might be the […]
The Poke.
What do you deliberately do wrong just because it feels better? – 19 bad habits people refuse to give up
There are certain ways of doing things that are so widely accepted that you can’t imagine anyone questioning them. But, as usual, Reddit users are here to defy your expectations. This time it was the turn of u/Beneficial-Status452, who wanted to hear about the things people do wrong or inefficiently just because it feels better. […]
The Poke.
An American trolled UK schools for not teaching the American war of independence and of all these Brits’ replies Al Murray surely said it best
Like us you probably won’t have heard of Texan streamer Cinna but whatever else she does, she’s got very strong opinions about the state of the British education system. Well, she did for this 20 seconds anyway after she took aim at British schools for not teaching pupils about the American war of independence, sugggesting […]
The Poke.
GB News suffered a total on-air meltdown and it’s surely the most entertaining 105 seconds you’ll watch on Farage’s favourite ‘news’ channel
Not often we find ourselves recommending you tune into GB News but in this case we’ll make an exception. It’s a complete and utter on-air meltdown after presenter Nana Akua called out pundit Andy Twelves and the best that can probably be said about either of them is that they definitely deserve each other. WOW […]
The Poke.
