The Onion
Judge Judy Retires
Judge Judith Sheindlin, better known as Judge Judy, announced that she will step down from the bench after 30 years on TV, opting to pass the baton on to her son. What do you think?
“I’ll miss flipping past her face for a moment while looking for something better.”
Hubert Yang, Lobster Prepper
“With no natural predator, the deadbeat population will explode.”
Darius Berger, Unemployed
“I worry they’ll fill her empty seat with someone pro-baloney.”
Ines Guerra, Retired Profiteer
The Onion.
Congress Passes $430,000/Hour Minimum Wage For Billionaires
The Onion.
It Is Unlawful For You To Refuse This Legal Tender, No Matter How Wet It Is
As a proud, hardworking American, I demand a certain amount of respect. I had hoped to spend part of my morning patronizing this small, locally owned café with the purchase of a coffee and pastry. But instead, I have been rudely informed that my money is not acceptable here, apparently for no other reason than because it happens to be extremely damp.
I’ll have you know it’s unlawful for you to refuse this legal tender, no matter how wet it is.
When I first entered this establishment, I did not ask for much. I walked in, said hello, and placed a simple order. Much to my surprise, I was told to please not “put wet money on the counter, sir.” To think, I was denied my basic rights as a citizen, all because my money was “sopping wet” and “dripping everywhere.” This despite me kindly attempting to wring it out on the floor in front of me.
In my hand, I hold a $20 bill. Wet or dry, this $20 bill is still considered legal tender for all debts, public and private, in the eyes of the U.S. government. But apparently, in this “Coffee Haus,” federal laws do not apply! Here, cashiers play judge, jury, and executioner, and can hold my $20 bill between thumb and forefinger, look me up and down, and ask how I got so wet when it wasn’t even raining outside.
Yes, the bill was dry when it rolled off the press at the Bureau of Engraving and Printing. What may or may not have happened to it since then is none of your business.
The last time I checked, this was still the United States of America. And as such, I am entitled to spend this certified Federal Reserve note featuring Andrew Jackson, even if his portrait is sagging and darkened from how moist it’s become. Hear me now—my eyes may be covered by my sopping wet bangs, but you sir, are the one who cannot see!
No, I will not lower my voice. I squelched in here, and I’m not squelching back out until I get the nine dollars and 65 cents worth of goods and services I deserve, specifically a black coffee and morning bun.
Unless, of course, you’d prefer we do this the hard way? I’m sure my lawyer would love to hear about how you ignored Title 31 Section 5103 of the U.S. Code (“Legal tender”), and repeatedly told me I had to leave the premises because the copious amounts of liquid I just coughed up onto the floor was somehow a safety hazard. In fact, I’ve got a smudged, partially disintegrated copy of the statute right here! I’d call the police, but my phone is too wet.
You may mop up the puddle beneath me, but you cannot mop up injustice!
Sadly, this is not the first time I’ve encountered people like you, and it won’t be the last. You and your fellow employees can hide behind your aprons, your visors, and your cash register! You can put a “Caution: Wet Floor” sign at my feet, but you cannot take my humanity! I may have just found a dead fish in my pocket, but unlike you, at least I have my dignity.
Actually, on second thought, I could also pay by check. Or does that need to be dry too?
The Onion.
Hole
The anxieties of the surface world are unceasing. Leave them behind and retreat into a subterranean existence. Dimensions unknown.
Reference #547834
The Onion.
Emily Sadori and Caroline Fry
The couple finally said “I do” after several months of saying “Why the fuck are we doing this if we can’t even agree on a cake?”
The Onion.
ClickHole
Evening Things Out: Six Of The TVs In This Hotel’s Breakfast Area Are Playing Fox News, But The Other One Is Playing Funny Animal Videos
It’s rare that things rest in perfect balance.
When two forces meet in nature, dominance typically sways one way or the other, never achieving perfect equilibrium. So when you observe a perfect yin yang out in the world, it’s important to stop for a moment and marvel at the symmetry.
There’s an example right here: Six of the TVs in this hotel’s breakfast area are playing Fox News, but the other one is playing funny animal videos.
Ah yes. By counterbalancing the angry pundits on Fox News with a video about a cat who made friends with a parakeet, this Holiday Inn Express in Fargo, North Dakota has kept things perfectly even.
An hourglass turned on its side at the precise moment there are 50,000 grains of sand in each chamber.
Identical twins sitting atop a perfectly level teeter totter.
Six 65” televisions with Jesse Waters spreading racist conspiracy theories and one with a miniature donkey who thinks he’s a dog.
All moments of immaculate harmony.
Despite the sound being muted on the funny animals video channel, the curious porcupines on the funny animal videos channel are perfectly juxtaposing Greg Gutfeld’s smug commentary about migrant border crossings.
What better way to create a zen state for grumpy travelers enjoying their watered-down orange juice and biscuits and gravy at 6:15 a.m. on a Wednesday?
Anyone Who Tells You ‘Riding Around In A Horse-Drawn Carriage Won’t Get You Any Pussy’ Has Clearly Never Ridden Around In A Horse-Drawn Carriage
I hear a lot of bullshit.
But nothing gets the smoke pouring out of my ears quite like when I overhear someone say, “You know…”
“…Riding around in a horse-drawn carriage won’t get you any pussy.”
You’ve gotta wonder whether the type of Einsteins who go around spouting off that kind of nonsense have any experience at all holding the russet leather reigns of a Glinkowski X-Line series. Hearing the clip-clop of the horses’ hooves on the pavement. Feeling the frustration of the traffic around you as you slow it down and lay horse apples in its path. Dealing with the confusion when a young couple on a date asks if you’re available for hire and you tell them, “No, this is just how I get around.”
Now, I’m not saying that riding around in a horse-drawn carriage gets you a ton of pussy, but to say it won’t get you any pussy is one of the biggest pussy-getting myths out there. As much pussy as driving a Ferrari? I wouldn’t know. But definitely as much if not more than driving a relatively new Subaru Forester. Women love horses, and while they aren’t particularly into the carriage part, giving women a reason to talk to you in the first place is pussy-getting step numero uno.
Pussy-getting step numero dos is establishing trust, and riding around in a horse-drawn carriage does have its pros and cons in that regard. It’s definitely tough to stop to talk to women for any length of time while the horses are getting antsy and going to the bathroom a lot in one spot. It’s also not the greatest method of transportation for offering them rides, because they (correctly) assume it’s going to take a lot longer to get where they’re going than just calling an Uber. But, at least owning a horse-drawn carriage establishes that you’re responsible enough to own a horse-drawn carriage, and that could definitely help build up that all-important pussy-getting trust.
Ultimately, if you want a woman’s panties hanging from the rear-view mirror of your horse-drawn carriage, it’s going to be a long road of making a good first impression, getting to know her, charming her, establishing your compatibility with her, proving that you have something to offer, and eventually bringing your relationship to the point of commitment that she feels comfortable sleeping with you. And hey, you’ve got the perfect place to do that right behind you and your horses!
So don’t let the haters say you’ll never get any pussy from riding around in a horse-drawn carriage. Establishing a romantic connection with women is a challenge no matter if you’re riding around in a horse-drawn carriage, a one-man dirigible, or a penny-farthing bicycle. And hey, not everything is about getting pussy, right? Sometimes riding around in something is simply its own reward.
Heartbreaking: This Girl Makes Like $200K But Her Home Still Looks Like Shit
Money can buy you a lot of things, but it can’t buy you taste. Case in point: this girl makes like $200K but her home still looks like shit.
Just heartbreaking.
Although 38-year-old Rebecca Childers makes well above the average salary in her Detroit suburb, her guests would never be able to tell, because her home perpetually looks like she threw a huge rager with the theme of “trailer trash” the night before. That said, if she actually did clean up the piles of old takeout containers and cat hair littered about the place, that would only reveal more of her decorating attempts, which presumably went as follows: buying whatever random crap was on sale at HomeGoods, running it over with a car, then haphazardly taping it to the wall.
You probably have like a million dollars in savings, Rebecca! CB2 exists for people like you!
Even worse, though, is the fact that Rebecca actually enjoys living like this. She has no qualms about living in a $750K condo that looks more like a frat house, which is why her visitors will never hear anything to the effect of “I’m sorry it’s so messy,” or “apologies for the piss and shit smell masked horribly by Febreze.” Whether she loves the piss and shit smell, or if she’s just so used to it she can’t smell it anymore, it doesn’t matter. This is how she’s chosen to live, and if anyone makes the mistake of coming over, that’s on them.
Sigh… Well, at least she’s happy! And after all, what’s better? To be a rich slob with trash and Live Laugh Love signs everywhere, or to be a neurotic snob with no disposable income of which to speak? Sound off below!
Sex Positivity FTW! AMC Theaters Employees Will Now Spit In Your Popcorn If That’s Your Thing
For most companies, issuing a public statement on anything kink or fetish-related only happens when something’s gone horribly, horribly wrong. Not for sex positive, forward-thinking companies like AMC Theaters, which just announced that their employees will now split in your popcorn if that’s your thing.
How cool is this? If you’re a cinephile who gets off on other people’s spit, AMC sees you!
In a press release this morning, AMC Theaters proudly revealed that all their locations will officially begin accommodating customers with spit kinks. Moviegoers who identify as salivary fetishists may now request any employee over the age of 18—including but not limited to concession stand workers, custodians, projectionists, and corporate executives—to spit in their popcorn for the sole purpose of sexual gratification, with no limits on how many different employees they can ask to spit in their popcorn, nor how many times they can ask any one given employee to hawk one in their concession stand treat.
“Kink-shaming has no place at AMC,” explained AMC Theaters CEO Adam Aron in the sex positive company statement. “Just as we accommodate non-perverts with butter dispensers for their popcorn, saliva perverts now have a spit dispenser in any AMC employee that is over the age of 18 (WARNING: if you ask an employee under 18 years-old to spit in your popcorn, we will have you arrested, then hang a framed photo of you at the front of the theater warning the public about your soliciting a minor). Any movie lover who wants to get their rocks off by having a stranger spit in their food is welcome in our business, and our employees are here to help. That includes me. Anywhere, anytime. Spit’s your thing. Crafting an incredible theatergoing experience is ours.”
There’s no doubt about it: AMC Theaters is the most sex positive theater chain in the entire world!
Kudos to AMC for walking the walk when it comes to fostering an inclusive environment for everyone, not just people who don’t get aroused when other people spit in their food. Streaming be damned, going to the movies is so back!!!
Awesome: Tampax Has Released A Laxative And Diaper Pack Your Boyfriend Can Use In Solidarity When You’re On Your Period
Ladies, raise your hand if you’ve ever been in this situation: It’s that time of the month, and although your boyfriend is trying to do what he can to support you by buying you chocolate and not asking for sex, it’s just not enough. Fortunately, one feminine hygiene company has stepped up with a solution: Tampax has released a laxative and diaper pack your boyfriend can use in solidarity when you’re on your period.
Now that’s how you treat women right!
Available in stores this week, Tampax His and Hers is a must for any straight man looking to empathize with his menstruating girlfriend. The dual packs come with dual gifts: for the ladies, a regular box of tampons, and for the guys, an extra-strength laxative and a dozen diapers so they can get as close as they can to free-bleeding.
So awesome! Looks like women can finally say goodbye to being the only one in the relationship with a wet mess coming out of their crotch!
But guys, if you haven’t defined the relationship yet, don’t think these diapers aren’t for you. Tampax His and Hers packs come in several different laxative strengths, ranging from “Casual” to “Life Partner,” so that men can tailor their degree of solidarity to the seriousness of their relationship. Only three dates in? Try three hours of diarrhea. Three years in? Definitely go full blast!
So much yes. This is an amazing way for men to show their girlfriends how much they care! Sound off below if you’ll be buying this ASAP!
Duffel Blog
First-generation American pilot excited to give family free ride on deportation flight
EL PASO, Texas — First-generation American C-17 pilot Capt. Maria Larkin said she was excited to finally give her family a ride on a military aircraft this week after learning they had been scheduled for deportation.“I’ve been flying C-17s for years and they’ve always wanted to see what I do,” Larkin said. “I just assumed it would be at an air show.”Instead, Larkin’s parents and three younger siblings are scheduled to board her aircraft during a Department of Homeland Security removal mission from Texas to Central America.Larkin was born in the United States and later commissioned through Air Force ROTC. Her parents and siblings were born in Mexico.“So technically I’m still good,” she said. “My husband is also a U.S. citizen and extremely white, which I’m told provides additional force protection.”Military officials said Larkin’s assignment demonstrates the Defense Department’s commitment to supporting homeland-security operations while maintaining family readiness.“Few pilots ever get the opportunity to combine professional development with a major family milestone,” said one Air Mobility Command official. “Captain Larkin will be able to log flight hours, support a federal mission, and personally watch her dependents leave the country.”Larkin said the destination remained confusing.“My family is from Mexico,” she said. “Apparently we’re taking them to Guatemala.”Officials explained that exact destinations are determined by operational requirements, diplomatic agreements, and whether anyone involved has enough authority to ask basic questions.The mission comes as immigration authorities have detained dozens of spouses and parents of active-duty service members, despite longstanding military programs intended to help some family members obtain legal status.Pentagon officials emphasized that military service remains a strong pathway to citizenship.“For the service member,” one official clarified.Larkin said she initially believed her family’s connection to the military might help.“I figured if I can be trusted to fly a $300 million aircraft into combat, maybe my mom could stay for my promotion ceremony,” she said.“She cannot.”Aircrews participating in the missions described the work as reminiscent of previous evacuation operations, with one important difference.“In Afghanistan, we were flying people out of a dangerous country because they had helped us,” said one C-130 pilot. “Here, we’re flying military families away from the people currently helping us.”He paused.“Operationally, though, the per diem is excellent.”Military officials said troops involved in the deportation missions are encouraged to focus on readiness rather than politics.“Your job is not to question the mission,” said one mobility officer. “Your job is to execute it safely, efficiently and, if necessary, wave goodbye to your mother from the cockpit.”Larkin said she planned to make the best of the experience.“I’m going to give them the full Air Force treatment,” she said. “Safety briefing, turbulence warning, maybe let my little brother see the flight deck before we land.”She added that her mother had already packed snacks for everyone.“She still thinks we’re coming back together.”At press time, Air Mobility Command was reviewing whether Larkin could receive family-separation allowance for deporting her own family.
Hegseth tired of looking at all these limp dicks in Pentagon locker room
WASHINGTON — Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth has spent more than a year restoring what he calls the military’s “warrior ethos” through tougher fitness standards, stricter grooming policies and repeated use of the word “lethality.”Now he is turning his attention to what he says may be the most serious readiness crisis facing the force: all the limp dicks he keeps seeing in the Pentagon locker room.Hegseth announced plans this summer to screen service members over 30 for testosterone deficiency. Clinical guidance implementing the program was briefly issued this month before the Pentagon pulled it back for revisions.Duffel Blog spoke with Hegseth about the policy, its origins, and why the secretary appears to be conducting informal visual inspections in the locker room.DB: Mr. Secretary, why is low testosterone a military readiness issue?HEGSETH: I've worried about this since I was a young infantry officer. Not personally, obviously. I piss testosterone. Sometimes blood. But you see guys with low energy, less muscle mass, belly fat, limp dicks. These are supposed to be warriors operating at peak performance. We owe it to them to make them whole again.DB: You keep mentioning limp dicks.HEGSETH: Of course I do. Have you seen one?DB: Yes.HEGSETH: Exactly. Now imagine seeing dozens every morning.DB: Why would I—HEGSETH: I hit the Pentagon gym every morning. Deadlifts. Pull-ups. PeteFit. Then I walk into the locker room and it's like somebody surrendered.Soft packages everywhere.Pasty staff officers. Wrinkled colonels. General officers hanging around like melted candles.This is the Department of War. I should be seeing flags at full mast.DB: Secretary Hegseth, are you saying you assess military readiness by looking at erections in the locker room?HEGSETH: I'm saying you can learn a lot about an organization by walking around naked in it.DB: Is an erection while surrounded by male coworkers actually considered a clinical indicator of healthy testosterone?HEGSETH: RFK and I have discussed this extensively.DB: That doesn't answer the question.HEGSETH: Science is about observing things.I'm observing.DB: The Pentagon issued testosterone-screening guidance and then rescinded it almost immediately.HEGSETH: Temporary tactical pause.DB: So the testosterone policy went soft?HEGSETH: Don't write that.DB: Medical groups generally don't recommend routinely screening asymptomatic men for low testosterone, and unnecessary treatment can affect fertility and carry other risks.HEGSETH: That's what happens when medicine gets captured by woke endocrinologists.You know what doesn't show up on their little charts? Lethality.DB: What about blast exposure and “operator syndrome”? There is evidence that repeated traumatic brain injury and chronic stress can affect hormones.HEGSETH: Exactly. Combat, blast overpressure, sleep deprivation, cortisol, deployment stress. All those things can crush testosterone.DB: You previously included Biden administration policies on that list.HEGSETH: Have you ever read a DEI memo?My testosterone dropped just saying the letters.DB: Will every male service member over 30 be tested?HEGSETH: That's the idea.DB: Even cyber personnel? Finance? Signal?HEGSETH: Obviously there will be risk-based prioritization.DB: Meaning?HEGSETH: If a guy works in signal and has spent 12 years sitting in a SCIF eating Tornados, I don't need a blood test to know we're dealing with a degraded weapons system.But yes, we'll take care of him.Every warrior deserves the opportunity to become extremely vascular.DB: And female service members?
25 years after 9/11, America still processing events normally
WASHINGTON — Twenty-five years after the Sept. 11 attacks, the United States continues to process the event in the healthiest and most proportionate ways available to a global superpower.The attacks launched wars that lasted long enough for children born after 9/11 to grow up and fight in them, generated a permanent national security bureaucracy, spent several trillion dollars with questionable returns, and inspired millions of Americans to purchase bumper stickers promising never to forget something they were increasingly too young to remember.They also produced conspiracy theories resilient enough to outlive several presidential administrations and, in some cases, basic literacy.To mark the anniversary, here is a selection of stories documenting how well everything went.The wars that followedMeet the teenager born after 9/11 who will one day command all forces in AfghanistanAt a certain point, the joke stopped being that the war was still going and became that nobody seemed especially surprised.Inspiring: This man was born on 9/11 and gets to fight in the same war it inspiredThe post-9/11 experience eventually achieved full generational continuity.Soldier avenges 9/11 by giving $100 bills to corrupt Afghan contractorAmerica’s initial objective of destroying al Qaeda gradually expanded to include ensuring local subcontractors could afford second homes.9/11 anniversary marked by confusion, questions from junior military membersThe military continues to commemorate an event increasingly remembered by junior troops as “something that happened before YouTube.”Never forgetMarine with ‘9/11 Never Forget’ bumper sticker too drunk to remember anythingThe national remembrance campaign remains successful in several important merchandising categories.Al Qaeda marks 9/11 anniversary with honor flight to New YorkAfter years of conflict, even America’s enemies have begun aging into veteran status.Saudi king marks 9/11 anniversary: ‘We lost many good pilots’Allies continue to observe the anniversary in ways uniquely appropriate to their historical involvement.SECDEF crushes 9/11 mastermind’s skull with his bare handsThe United States remains committed to resolving complex questions of justice through emotionally satisfying upper-body strength.The conspiracy front remains active‘So it begins,’ conspiracy theorist says for 1,260th time since 9/11Every national emergency since 2001 has provided fresh evidence that the previous 1,259 warnings were merely early.CIA officer was ready to give his life on 9/11 inside jobFor years, conspiracy theorists demanded answers about who was really behind the attacks. Eventually, middle management was asked to comment.9/11 truther mysteriously killed by falling buildingInvestigators described the incident as structurally significant.At press time, Americans were preparing to mark the 25th anniversary by solemnly promising to never forget, before immediately arguing online about what actually happened.
Opinion: How I learned to stop worrying and love my low testosterone
For 35 years, I have defended this nation against enemies, insurgents and whatever country CENTCOM decided needed freedom that fiscal year.But I am finished.No pun intended.I simply cannot do this shit anymore.My testosterone is 187. I’m 67 pounds overweight. My knees sound like someone opening a bag of SunChips. I haven't had a meaningful erection since I pulled out of your mom — I mean Afghanistan.And you know what?I'm at peace with that.Secretary of War Pete Hegseth is not.I've never seen anyone in the closet more than that guy. Just come out in your furry suit already.Hegseth apparently believes every man over 30 in uniform is merely one blood test, a testosterone prescription, 400 deadlifts, and an aggressive shaving regimen away from rediscovering his warrior ethos.Sir, I do not want my warrior ethos rediscovered.I want my retirement packet approved.I first became aware that my dick had stopped working during Operation Resolute Support, which in hindsight was an unnecessarily cruel name for the operation.Where was the resolute support for my sagging balls?They now hang lower than my command sergeant major's truck nuts.I've done it all: Afghanistan. Iraq. Afghanistan again. Iraq again. Syria. Then somebody looked around the Middle East and apparently decided Iran had been getting lonely.I'm not sticking around for Iran II: Resolute Harder.My marriage already rode a bomb straight into the ground. My wife exercised what she described as her “doomsday option” and filed for divorce.The whole point of a doomsday option is lost if you keep it secret.Why didn't she tell me?I had cell service for at least 10 minutes every week during whichever deployment I was on when she stopped loving me.Now Hegseth wants to optimize me.He wants to measure my testosterone, increase my lethality, and return me to peak performance.The Pentagon briefly published guidance for this program last week and then pulled it down because even Hegseth’s plan to fix my hormones could not survive the staffing process.For one glorious moment, I thought bureaucracy had finally worked in my favor.Then HRC returned my retirement packet for the fifth time.First, I used the wrong version of a form.Then my signature was allegedly too close to the margin.Then Block 17 required the date in YYYYMMDD format instead of MM/DD/YYYY.Last week, somebody informed me my requested retirement date did not sufficiently account for “mission requirements.”Gentlemen, my current mission requirement is to buy a pontoon boat.The Army has now returned my retirement action more times than my wife returned my calls during our final year of marriage.Apparently this is the only kind of action I can still get.They have forced my hand.During my final assignment, I obtained access to a cache of highly classified documents relating to the missing Epstein files.I placed them in a scheduled Outlook email addressed to every journalist, member of Congress, and bored E-4 with a Gmail account.If my retirement orders are not published by 1700 Friday, the message automatically transmits.Thanks to AI, I no longer understand how the automation works well enough to stop it.The only thing that can cancel transmission is a fully approved set of retirement orders bearing my name and DoD ID number appearing in iPERMS.Call it mutually assured retirement.I don't ask Hegseth to understand me.I ask only that he allow a 55-year-old warrior to disappear into Florida, receive testosterone from a strip-mall men's clinic whose physician keeps winking at me, buy a pontoon boat, and become completely indistinguishable from men 20 years older than me.I have earned the right to spend the rest of my life wearing wraparound sunglasses, yelling about property taxes, and insisting my boat counts as exercise.Secretary Hegseth, approve my packet.You can keep the high-T Department of War.I’m trying to join the low-T Department of Margaritaville.Otherwise, at 1700 Friday, America learns what was in the Epstein files.And unlike my retirement packet, I checked the fucking date format.🖊️SECDEF_Nice served in Army Civil Affairs and specialized in failing to influence populations and occasionally his own chain-of-command. Follow him at Foxhole Briefs, Twitter, Facebook, or Instagram.
West Point removes ‘honor’ from ‘duty, honor, country’ ethos
WEST POINT, N.Y. — The U.S. Military Academy announced this week that it will remove “honor” from its traditional “Duty, Honor, Country” ethos after determining the concept could encourage cadets and faculty to place professional integrity above orders from senior political leaders.“Honor had a good run,” said Brig. Gen. Nicholas Gist, West Point’s dean. “But after a comprehensive review, we found it creates unnecessary ambiguity in the chain of command.”The change comes as former West Point climate scientist Adam Kalkstein is suing the academy, alleging he was fired after objecting to instructions that professors stop teaching cadets that humans contribute to climate change.Academy leaders denied that the lawsuit prompted the change but acknowledged it helped clarify the problem.“We had a professor who apparently thought his obligation to accurately teach science superseded guidance from above,” Gist said. “That is exactly the sort of confusion you get when you spend 224 years telling people honor matters.”Officials stressed that duty and country will remain in place because both terms can be defined by whoever happens to be writing the policy memorandum.“Duty is easy,” Gist said. “Do what you’re told.”“Country is also easy. The commander in chief tells you what the country needs," Gist continued. "But honor was troublesome, because people kept asking themselves questions.”West Point officials said the academy had spent months trying to reconcile honor with emerging institutional requirements, including restrictions on academic speech, political scrutiny of course material, and the expectation that faculty teach only facts that remain compatible with current administration policy.Ultimately, they concluded the conflict was irreconcilable.“You can teach cadets to follow evidence wherever it leads, or you can tell them the answer before class starts,” said one academy official. “Trying to do both was creating a lot of extra work.”The academy is considering several replacements, including Duty, Compliance, Country, Duty, Lethality, Country and Duty, Hail Trump, and Country.One proposal to replace honor with Obedience received strong support until officials determined the new motto would be “a little too on the nose.”Alumni expressed mixed reactions.“I don't see the problem,” said retired Col. Daniel Foster, Class of 1986. “When I was a cadet, honor meant not lying, cheating or stealing.”He paused.“Obviously the profession has evolved.”West Point also announced curriculum changes designed to ease cadets into the new ethos.Beginning next semester, ethics instruction will focus on distinguishing between morally correct actions and career-enhancing actions, while leadership courses will teach cadets how to identify when an unlawful order is merely “an order currently undergoing legal review.”Faculty members will receive updated guidance reminding them that academic freedom remains an important military value provided it produces the approved answer.Cadets who nevertheless feel compelled to act according to conscience will be encouraged to first consult their chain of command, public affairs office, and servicing judge advocate to determine whether conscience has been authorized.At press time, academy officials said they were reviewing “country” after several professors asked whether serving it occasionally required disagreeing with the person temporarily running it.
Daily Mash
Bitching more effective than confronting, scientists confirm
COMPLAINING about people behind their backs yields better results than talking to them directly, scientists have found.
Research showed that while being more cowardly, bitching is a safer way of venting your frustration than telling someone how awful they are to their face, which could get you punched or fired.
Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “Evidence suggests bitching is an evolutionary advantage. None of our ancestors ever got mauled for secretly slagging off a predator.
“Bitching is probably why humanity learnt to talk in the first place. Not to express needs or abstract thoughts, but to mock the sabre-toothed tiger skins the neanderthals in the cave next door are wearing. Civilisation as we know it has these snide comments to thank.
“However confrontation escalates until one side backs down or dies. The only risk associated with bitching is when someone grasses you up. And even then you can lie your way out of it if you’re a nasty little creep.”
He added: “Plus you can bitch from the comfort of your sofa with a big bottle of wine. What more proof do you need?”
Researcher Nikki Hollis said: “We’re confident our findings are accurate. Unless Donna f**ked up her data again, but what do you expect from a lazy cow like her?”
Seven legitimately insane thoughts you have when taking a day off sick
RESEARCH has found that the older you are, the guiltier you feel about taking time off sick. And it can definitely cause some deeply irrational thoughts, like these:
‘It’s morally wrong’
Does taking a day off sick even count as a moral or immoral act? Not unless you’re skiving off to commit a murder, in which case you’ve got more to worry about than what your boss thinks. Also, disposing of a body would be horrendous with this cold.
‘I must sound ill on the phone’
When phoning in sick, it’s almost impossible not to put on a feeble voice and give a little cough to prove your case. It’s unnecessary and frankly a bit silly. What’s next? A video call while you’re sitting on the toilet making vile noises to prove you’ve got a tummy upset?
‘Will I get the sack?’
The classic paranoid sickie thought. Get a grip and imagine your boss explaining it to their boss: ‘A staff member I have no real complaints about, who takes a normal amount of time off sick, claimed to have a flu-like illness common in the UK, so I fired them.’ ‘Excellent work, Emma, that’s how to run an effective business.’
‘I am betraying my co-workers’
Yes, Gavin and the others are heroically battling through a normal workload while you fail to do your duty like a coward. Oh, hang on, you’re an office worker, not a squaddie abandoning your mates to die in a Taliban attack. You wouldn’t need to lose weight if you were.
‘Will someone come and check on me?’
Might your boss dispatch a colleague to your home? Not unless they are deranged and seriously overstaffed, and even then it’s probably illegal harassment. Your ill, paranoid brain can’t accept this, so you do the sensible thing of sitting away from a window and trying to look miserable instead of laughing at the comforting YouTube shite you’re watching.
‘I wish I had a more serious illness’
Are you ill enough to justify taking time off? It’s a question you’ll be obsessed with for hours, until you wish you were suffering from something clear-cut like a broken leg. Hopefully your next sickie will be the result of being hit by a car, you reason. Your horrific injuries will mean you can relax then.
‘They’ll discover they don’t need me’
Could your job actually be done by your colleagues, and you’re paid tens of thousands of pounds a year unnecessarily? Clearly ‘yes’, because modern companies are notorious for employing way more staff than they need. That’s why they keep you entertained at work with dancing girls and an office jester.
Forget Diana? Nonsense. I still remember every single man she was adulterous with
By Norman Steele, former tabloid journalist and divorcee
I COULD never forget Diana. Her radiance, her kindness, her compassion, and the identity of every man with whom she violated the sanctity of her marriage.
‘We’ll forget her soon enough,’ or so her brother says Charles callously told him. Nonsense. Forget the Princess of Hearts? Forget England’s Rose? Why, I can’t even forget Oliver Hoare.
Don’t pretend the name isn’t familiar. Oliver Hoare, the married art dealer who received many, many late-night anonymous heavy-breathing calls from Kensington Palace, apparently 300 in one evening? If all of us had been so lucky.
And the name of James Gilbey cannot fail but to trigger reminiscence. Squidgygate? The tape of their conversation in which she bore the charming nickname Squidge, for entirely innocent non-genital reasons?
Though of course he is overshadowed in our collective memory by James Hewitt, the dashing polo player who whacked the ball of his devotion into the open goal of Diana’s heart. Such a wonderful head of red hair he had, I remember particularly for no reason.
Also there was Barry Mannakee, her protection officer, and England rugby captain Will Carling, and oh, such a Proustian rush of recollection on just hearing those names. JFK Jr, Bryan Adams, each one so evocative of times of happiness now long gone.
So forget your ‘forget Diana’, Charles. I have not forgotten a single one of her lovers and often spend whole evenings, curtains drawn, imagining I am one of those so blessed. And so, I firmly believe, does the British public.
Reform candidates arrested as precautionary measure
ANYONE applying to be a Reform candidate will be interviewed by the police to be on the safe side.
After the arrest of Welsh Reform leader Dan Thomas, and earlier his predecessor Nathan Gill, plus other ongoing investigations, the new process will see nominees voluntarily hand themselves in to the police in the first place.
Reform spokesman Jack Browne said: “It seemed silly to go through our own half-arsed screening process to select a candidate then just deselect them when ‘that incident at the fancy dress party’ or whatever comes to light.
“The police tend to be more thorough than we are, so it seems sensible for them to give people a once-over first. Under caution, obviously.
“To this end we’ve produced a document for candidates to give to the police during questioning to streamline the process, with suggested topics such as ‘Things I said on Facebook’, ‘Things I’ve done driving my car’ and ‘Reasons I’m divorced’.
“If they leave the police station without bail conditions they’ll be given a Reform Candidate Certificate stating ‘The police say I haven’t done anything bad yet’ and will be allowed to complete their application.”
Browne added: “It’ll get a bit complicated when the candidate is an ex-copper but I’m sure a quick chat with a former colleague at their lodge meeting will suffice.”
Six more made-up reasons for boycotting Ed Sheeran
YOU wouldn’t want to listen to Ed Sheeran whether he’s embroiled in a controversy about Palestine or not. Here are six more reasons you can give for pretending you’re cancelling him.
He uses endangered guitar picks
It’s a closely-guarded secret that Sheeran insists on his plectrums being made from parts of endangered species, with a particular preference for their genitals. His 2023 tour was responsible for seven different types of dolphin becoming extinct, hence it being known as ‘The Subtract Tour’.
He made Wagon Wheels smaller
Sheeran’s father was head of Wagon Wheel research and development at Burton’s Biscuits when the singer was a toddler. He was startled one day when he looked up and saw his son’s gingery head obscured by the mallow and biscuit treat like a chocolatey solar eclipse. He began work on reducing its size the very next day.
He confuses specific and pacific
Sheeran uses the word ‘pacific’ when he means ‘specific’, despite having been told on numerous occasions that he is saying it wrong. It’s not a genuine speech problem and he often goads underlings by using the word incorrectly then making them repeat back what he just said. Anyone correcting him is fired on the spot and told to read ‘the pacific wording of your contract’.
The Boston Incident
The Boston Incident has become so infamous that people no longer need to specify what actually happened or even whether it took place in the US Boston or the original one in the arse end of nowhere. The highly litigious singer refuses to allow any public discussion of the Boston Incident or how long it took to clean up afterwards.
He hates The Princess Bride
Ed Sheeran cannot stand the film The Princess Bride and will tell anybody who stands still long enough why it isn’t funny, goes on for too long and the soundtrack is rubbish. ‘The special effects are terrible when you compare them to a great film like Jurassic World Dominion,’ he will insist, the twat.
Ipswich Town FC
Everybody agrees Ipswich Town FC is a terrible idea, not least their actual fans who often describe supporting their team as being like watching dry paint remain dry. But a huge injection of money from the singer has compelled the club to keep going and even get promoted, forcing far more people to experience Ipswich Town against their will. Sheeran, a known sadist, enjoys this.
The Poke
A Maga audience member heckled the whole of Europe at this comedy gig in Poland and it ended just as well for them as you’d hope it would
To a stand-up comedy gig in Krakow, Poland now – no, we didn’t think we’d be using that phrase today either – where the audience included an especially vocal American. Not just an especially vocal American but an especially vocal Republican American who voted for Donald Trump. They were just as warm and empathetic to […]
The Poke.
This mum was devastated by the ‘overt racism’ in her Oxfordshire village and Nigel Farage’s response nailed the essence of the man in 15 seconds flat
You will no doubt have seen the story of the Oxfordshire village which voted to be ‘independent’ from the UK in a symbolic referendum held in protest at plans to house more than 1,000 migrants at a former military base. Some 285 residents of Piddington voted to leave, with 26 voting no (and one spoiled […]
The Poke.
Man who just found out there’s a b in dumb announces he’s a ‘high-IQ person’ – 18 brutal clapbacks
Despite his approval rating being at an all-time low, and at a record-breaking low level for any US president, Donald Trump has been telling voters to imagine he’s on the ballot in the upcoming midterm elections. This may be why the Democrats are on course to take control of the House of Representatives, and have […]
The Poke.
Donald Trump vowed to cut off Europe if Canada joins the EU and the whole of Europe responded as one
Donald Trump has spent much of his second term in the White House slagging off Canada and its PM Mark Carney, suggesting it should become the 51st state of America instead. So it should be no surprise that Canada (and Carney) should look elsewhere for alliances, and this week it emerged that it could become […]
The Poke.
Grand Designs is back and people have been busy guessing how this first episode will go – 14 funniest and most totally on-point
This week just got so much better when we realised Grand Designs is back. Other Channel 4 property shows have come and gone but it is Kevin McCloud’s magnificent creation that continues to reign supreme. Bryony and Matt are spending £820,000 on a modern, high-performance home on the Cornish coast – designed to meet the […]
The Poke.
