Latest parody and comedy news from around the web
A Russian businessman with ties to Putin spent hundreds of thousands of dollars on Donald Trump Jr.’s wedding after party, raising ethical concerns and accusations of buying influence. What do you think? “I heard the Saudis baked the cake.” Marina Ayala, Nutrition Historian “It’s not a wedding without a ‘something bribed.’” Lloyd Ragsdale, Vinyl Presser “And yet it was still a cash bar.” Byron Mackie, Hat Inspector The Onion.
LOS ANGELES—Calling the effort the purest distillation to date of where she is as a dungeon master, pop star Olivia Rodrigo released her long-awaited tabletop roleplaying game The High Winter Elves Of Girlville on Friday. The multiplatinum artist, who appeared on an episode of The Eldritch Lorecast this week, spoke of how the years she spent creating the high-fantasy TTRPG roleplaying box set—which is available for $79.99 on OliviaRodrigo.com—allowed her to harness her frequent brushes with obsession, emotional turbulence, and jealousy to create a lore-dense, user-centered gameplay experience about the enchanted Frost Kingdom of Girlville and the feminine race of winter elves trying to reclaim it from the grasp of a dozen princes who were once their lovers. “The High Winter Elves Of Girlville really takes everything I’ve learned about fantasy roleplaying, player empowerment, and robust character creation, and boils it down into one amazing pen-and-paper system,” said Rodrigo, who told the podcast’s hosts that she had found the game as satisfying in one-shot sessions as it was in the months-long campaigns she hosted with an adventuring group that included Madison Hu, Billie Eilish, and Tate McRae. “There are real stakes here: You might be in the middle of a raid at the Mines of Glimmōr and suddenly a bad roll makes your closest party member reveal she’s been sleeping with your dwarven ex. Then it’s on you whether you want to stay focused on slaying the gelatinous beast or take out your ire on the so-called ally who totally betrayed your trust.” “I can’t wait for my fans to get their hands on it and see how they handle the frigid trials and tribulations of the Blizzard of Heartbreak,” the global superstar added. Originally conceived during long stretches of her 2022 Sour tour, The High Winter Elves Of Girlville reportedly took shape during late-night demo sessions with Rodrigo’s road crew and bodyguards, whose feedback the star called “essential” in developing the project beyond its beginnings as a tabletop miniatures wargame into its present-day incarnation as a tactics-based adventuring experience set in the snow fortresses, frost dungeons, and dance clubs of the Ancient Realm of Glamwendia. During the intervening years, Rodrigo is said to have attended countless TTRPG enthusiast sessions between sold-out concerts at Glastonbury, Madison Square Garden, and the Kia Forum. According to reports, the multihypenate creator insisted her agent schedule a performance at Lollapalooza Chicago in 2025 so she could drive down to Indianapolis the next day and show off builds at Gen Con’s Playtest Hall. Still, muted reaction from Dragonsfoot.org forum users forced the Grammy-winning singer to repeatedly retool the game, starting from scratch with its skill-check mechanics, streamlining the character generation process, and further developing the core concept of The Glitter, which Rodrigo repeatedly described as “both a currency and a character affliction,” similar to the game’s déjà vu and vampirism mechanics. “There are different kinds of Glitters—Ice Glitters, Rot Glitters, Charm Glitters—and they each have unique status effects depending on your race,” said the former child television star, paging through a thick, hardcover glyph-inscribed module titled The Glittorium Omnibus. “What’s cool is that there’s a little bit of cosmic horror tied into that, too. Jack Antonoff introduced me to Call Of Cthulhu, and that game’s whole sanity-check mechanic really spoke to me after everything I went through growing up.” “Let’s just say that anyone who’s familiar with some of my Disney co-stars is going to recognize a lot in the Fester Witches,” said Rodrigo, referring to a cavern-dwelling feminine race that turns putrescence into dark energy. Although Rodrigo has repeatedly described The High Winter Elves Of Girlville as her life’s “most important creative output,” sources have remarked upon its complicated development process, observing that her falling out with former boyfriend Joshua Bassett is heavily rumored to be the inspiration behind the game’s sewer orc race. Those close to the “Drivers License” and “Good 4 U” singer have blamed her fanatical attention to the game’s details for her parting of ways with longtime manager Zack Morgenroth, who reportedly enraged Rodrigo when he suggested the hundreds of hours she had poured into developing her own elven script for the Seven Sacred Glyphs of Girlville—adapted from Insular Old Irish and J.R.R. Tolkien’s Tengwar—might have been better spent on her latest album. Rodrigo has repeatedly stressed that she is overwhelmingly happy with the final product, describing a switch to percentile dice as a “eureka moment” in the game’s development and taking particular pride in the frost-based magic system known as Cryomancy that she crafted to mimic the six branches of a snowflake. Fans, however, remain divided on the singer-songwriter’s shift in focus, with some saying they like being able to stay engaged with Rodrigo’s work during character creation by choosing astrological signs or specific perks such as feminine intuition, while others have expressed confusion over how exactly factions such as the Guild of Lacy Shadows or the Mercenaries at Makeout Forge connect to the star’s earlier output. “Well, I guess I’m mostly interested in her new album, but this might be cool, too,” said 15-year-old fan Jamie Mahoozi, one of hundreds who lined up outside the Brooklyn hobbyist shop Twenty Sided early Friday morning to be among the first to purchase the game’s deluxe box set, which contains an Olivia Rodrigo–branded dice bag and a miniature of Valford the Girly Mage designed by the musician herself. “Maybe I’ll put it on the shelf in my bedroom. I don’t really know.” “I like that all the goblins and wizards and stuff can go to prom together, though,” she added. The Onion.
HUNTSVILLE, AL—Claiming he had looked into the issue per the tenant’s request, local landlord Ernest Morton told one of his renters Thursday that he had no choice but to take the hornets’ side in a recent dispute that occurred at one of his properties. “Look, I empathize with both perspectives on this matter, but at the end of the day, the hornets were here first,” said the 56-year-old building owner, informing the resident who had requested the removal of an active wasp nest that due to municipal leasing ordinances, his hands were tied. “I understand they may have been the aggressor in the situation, but you’d probably do the same thing if a stranger were milling around your living quarters all the time. And what’s the point in going tit for tat? Now, I don’t agree with the stinging, and I will be talking to them about that, but you have to admit to your part in things, too. I saw on the security camera that you were waving your arms around pretty violently when they swarmed you.” Morton went on to warn the tenant this was strike two, citing a previous incident in which the resident had accused a toilet of being clogged. The Onion.
After a misprint on the invitations, Flores and Acosta had a strict only-kids wedding. The Onion.
Pet lovers and health experts are divided over whether dogs should co-sleep with their owners. The Onion examines the pros and cons of letting dogs sleep in the bed. PRO They’ll bark to let you know if anyone else is getting into bed Get more use out of matching pajamas Kind of fucked up not to from your dog’s perspective For God’s sake, Richard, he’ll howl all night if we don’t CON Unguarded granaries are quickly ravaged by vermin Can be hard to sleep while dog using reading light Will make goldfish unfathomably jealous Don’t want dog thinking this is anything other than a fling The Onion.
SINAI — The women of Israel erupted into celebration this week after Moses struck a rock with his staff, causing a torrent of pumpkin spice latte to gush forth.
AUSTIN, TX — Local husband Matt Gaines was rushed to the Intensive Care Unit Tuesday evening after attempting a two-minute beginner's yoga video on YouTube.
PLYMOUTH, MA — Reports indicated that a modern "Underground Railroad" had been established to help the lone black juror from the Lindsay Clancy case escape from angry, violent, white Democrats.
CHATTANOOGA, TN — Local fatty Mark Thompson spent all of lunch today explaining to family members how obesity is actually a disease.
NASHVILLE, TN — In honor of her new husband, Travis Kelce, pop megastar Taylor Swift has released a new single titled "Look What You Made Me Invest In."
It’s rare that things rest in perfect balance. When two forces meet in nature, dominance typically sways one way or the other, never achieving perfect equilibrium. So when you observe a perfect yin yang out in the world, it’s important to stop for a moment and marvel at the symmetry. There’s an example right here: Six of the TVs in this hotel’s breakfast area are playing Fox News, but the other one is playing funny animal videos. Ah yes. By counterbalancing the angry pundits on Fox News with a video about a cat who made friends with a parakeet, this Holiday Inn Express in Fargo, North Dakota has kept things perfectly even. An hourglass turned on its side at the precise moment there are 50,000 grains of sand in each chamber. Identical twins sitting atop a perfectly level teeter totter. Six 65” televisions with Jesse Waters spreading racist conspiracy theories and one with a miniature donkey who thinks he’s a dog. All moments of immaculate harmony. Despite the sound being muted on the funny animals video channel, the curious porcupines on the funny animal videos channel are perfectly juxtaposing Greg Gutfeld’s smug commentary about migrant border crossings. What better way to create a zen state for grumpy travelers enjoying their watered-down orange juice and biscuits and gravy at 6:15 a.m. on a Wednesday?
I hear a lot of bullshit. But nothing gets the smoke pouring out of my ears quite like when I overhear someone say, “You know…” “…Riding around in a horse-drawn carriage won’t get you any pussy.” You’ve gotta wonder whether the type of Einsteins who go around spouting off that kind of nonsense have any experience at all holding the russet leather reigns of a Glinkowski X-Line series. Hearing the clip-clop of the horses’ hooves on the pavement. Feeling the frustration of the traffic around you as you slow it down and lay horse apples in its path. Dealing with the confusion when a young couple on a date asks if you’re available for hire and you tell them, “No, this is just how I get around.” Now, I’m not saying that riding around in a horse-drawn carriage gets you a ton of pussy, but to say it won’t get you any pussy is one of the biggest pussy-getting myths out there. As much pussy as driving a Ferrari? I wouldn’t know. But definitely as much if not more than driving a relatively new Subaru Forester. Women love horses, and while they aren’t particularly into the carriage part, giving women a reason to talk to you in the first place is pussy-getting step numero uno. Pussy-getting step numero dos is establishing trust, and riding around in a horse-drawn carriage does have its pros and cons in that regard. It’s definitely tough to stop to talk to women for any length of time while the horses are getting antsy and going to the bathroom a lot in one spot. It’s also not the greatest method of transportation for offering them rides, because they (correctly) assume it’s going to take a lot longer to get where they’re going than just calling an Uber. But, at least owning a horse-drawn carriage establishes that you’re responsible enough to own a horse-drawn carriage, and that could definitely help build up that all-important pussy-getting trust. Ultimately, if you want a woman’s panties hanging from the rear-view mirror of your horse-drawn carriage, it’s going to be a long road of making a good first impression, getting to know her, charming her, establishing your compatibility with her, proving that you have something to offer, and eventually bringing your relationship to the point of commitment that she feels comfortable sleeping with you. And hey, you’ve got the perfect place to do that right behind you and your horses! So don’t let the haters say you’ll never get any pussy from riding around in a horse-drawn carriage. Establishing a romantic connection with women is a challenge no matter if you’re riding around in a horse-drawn carriage, a one-man dirigible, or a penny-farthing bicycle. And hey, not everything is about getting pussy, right? Sometimes riding around in something is simply its own reward.
Money can buy you a lot of things, but it can’t buy you taste. Case in point: this girl makes like $200K but her home still looks like shit. Just heartbreaking. Although 38-year-old Rebecca Childers makes well above the average salary in her Detroit suburb, her guests would never be able to tell, because her home perpetually looks like she threw a huge rager with the theme of “trailer trash” the night before. That said, if she actually did clean up the piles of old takeout containers and cat hair littered about the place, that would only reveal more of her decorating attempts, which presumably went as follows: buying whatever random crap was on sale at HomeGoods, running it over with a car, then haphazardly taping it to the wall. You probably have like a million dollars in savings, Rebecca! CB2 exists for people like you! Even worse, though, is the fact that Rebecca actually enjoys living like this. She has no qualms about living in a $750K condo that looks more like a frat house, which is why her visitors will never hear anything to the effect of “I’m sorry it’s so messy,” or “apologies for the piss and shit smell masked horribly by Febreze.” Whether she loves the piss and shit smell, or if she’s just so used to it she can’t smell it anymore, it doesn’t matter. This is how she’s chosen to live, and if anyone makes the mistake of coming over, that’s on them. Sigh… Well, at least she’s happy! And after all, what’s better? To be a rich slob with trash and Live Laugh Love signs everywhere, or to be a neurotic snob with no disposable income of which to speak? Sound off below!
For most companies, issuing a public statement on anything kink or fetish-related only happens when something’s gone horribly, horribly wrong. Not for sex positive, forward-thinking companies like AMC Theaters, which just announced that their employees will now split in your popcorn if that’s your thing. How cool is this? If you’re a cinephile who gets off on other people’s spit, AMC sees you! In a press release this morning, AMC Theaters proudly revealed that all their locations will officially begin accommodating customers with spit kinks. Moviegoers who identify as salivary fetishists may now request any employee over the age of 18—including but not limited to concession stand workers, custodians, projectionists, and corporate executives—to spit in their popcorn for the sole purpose of sexual gratification, with no limits on how many different employees they can ask to spit in their popcorn, nor how many times they can ask any one given employee to hawk one in their concession stand treat. “Kink-shaming has no place at AMC,” explained AMC Theaters CEO Adam Aron in the sex positive company statement. “Just as we accommodate non-perverts with butter dispensers for their popcorn, saliva perverts now have a spit dispenser in any AMC employee that is over the age of 18 (WARNING: if you ask an employee under 18 years-old to spit in your popcorn, we will have you arrested, then hang a framed photo of you at the front of the theater warning the public about your soliciting a minor). Any movie lover who wants to get their rocks off by having a stranger spit in their food is welcome in our business, and our employees are here to help. That includes me. Anywhere, anytime. Spit’s your thing. Crafting an incredible theatergoing experience is ours.” There’s no doubt about it: AMC Theaters is the most sex positive theater chain in the entire world! Kudos to AMC for walking the walk when it comes to fostering an inclusive environment for everyone, not just people who don’t get aroused when other people spit in their food. Streaming be damned, going to the movies is so back!!!
Ladies, raise your hand if you’ve ever been in this situation: It’s that time of the month, and although your boyfriend is trying to do what he can to support you by buying you chocolate and not asking for sex, it’s just not enough. Fortunately, one feminine hygiene company has stepped up with a solution: Tampax has released a laxative and diaper pack your boyfriend can use in solidarity when you’re on your period. Now that’s how you treat women right! Available in stores this week, Tampax His and Hers is a must for any straight man looking to empathize with his menstruating girlfriend. The dual packs come with dual gifts: for the ladies, a regular box of tampons, and for the guys, an extra-strength laxative and a dozen diapers so they can get as close as they can to free-bleeding. So awesome! Looks like women can finally say goodbye to being the only one in the relationship with a wet mess coming out of their crotch! But guys, if you haven’t defined the relationship yet, don’t think these diapers aren’t for you. Tampax His and Hers packs come in several different laxative strengths, ranging from “Casual” to “Life Partner,” so that men can tailor their degree of solidarity to the seriousness of their relationship. Only three dates in? Try three hours of diarrhea. Three years in? Definitely go full blast! So much yes. This is an amazing way for men to show their girlfriends how much they care! Sound off below if you’ll be buying this ASAP!
WASHINGTON — The U.S. Army unveiled a new recruiting slogan this week, replacing decades of aspirational advertising with what officials called the most accurate description yet of the relationship between soldiers and the institution:“Your body, my choice.”Army marketing officials said the phrase performed exceptionally well in focus groups after prospective recruits were informed that military service allows the government to regulate their weight, hair, facial hair, physical fitness, medical readiness, tattoos, sleep schedule, geographic location, and ability to leave.“Usually recruiting slogans tell people what the Army can do for them,” said Lt. Col. Ronald Mercer, an Army marketing official. “We thought it might be refreshing to explain what we’re going to do to them.”The campaign follows a strong recruiting year in which the Army met its annual accession goal months early, giving officials greater freedom to experiment with what they described as “radical honesty.”One advertisement depicts a recruit asking whether he can skip morning physical training because his knee hurts.A drill sergeant slowly turns toward the camera.“Your body,” he says. “My choice.”Another shows a soldier requesting permission to grow a beard.“No.”“Why?”“Because.”The screen fades to black.Army officials said the slogan is particularly well suited to the service’s renewed emphasis on physical standards.“You're too fat? Our problem,” Mercer said. “Too slow? Our problem. Your testosterone is low? Apparently also our problem now.”The campaign also includes a pregnancy-themed advertisement in which a female soldier informs her chain of command that she is expecting a child.Her commander immediately opens a deployment roster.“Congratulations,” he says. “Have you considered the needs of the Army?”Officials stressed that the slogan applies equally to male and female soldiers.“This isn't sexism,” Mercer said. “We control everybody’s body.”He then pointed to a poster featuring a shirtless male soldier standing on a scale while three senior NCOs watched.
EL PASO, Texas — First-generation American C-17 pilot Capt. Maria Larkin said she was excited to finally give her family a ride on a military aircraft this week after learning they had been scheduled for deportation.“I’ve been flying C-17s for years and they’ve always wanted to see what I do,” Larkin said. “I just assumed it would be at an air show.”Instead, Larkin’s parents and three younger siblings are scheduled to board her aircraft during a Department of Homeland Security removal mission from Texas to Central America.Larkin was born in the United States and later commissioned through Air Force ROTC. Her parents and siblings were born in Mexico.“So technically I’m still good,” she said. “My husband is also a U.S. citizen and extremely white, which I’m told provides additional force protection.”Military officials said Larkin’s assignment demonstrates the Defense Department’s commitment to supporting homeland-security operations while maintaining family readiness.“Few pilots ever get the opportunity to combine professional development with a major family milestone,” said one Air Mobility Command official. “Captain Larkin will be able to log flight hours, support a federal mission, and personally watch her dependents leave the country.”Larkin said the destination remained confusing.“My family is from Mexico,” she said. “Apparently we’re taking them to Guatemala.”Officials explained that exact destinations are determined by operational requirements, diplomatic agreements, and whether anyone involved has enough authority to ask basic questions.The mission comes as immigration authorities have detained dozens of spouses and parents of active-duty service members, despite longstanding military programs intended to help some family members obtain legal status.Pentagon officials emphasized that military service remains a strong pathway to citizenship.“For the service member,” one official clarified.Larkin said she initially believed her family’s connection to the military might help.“I figured if I can be trusted to fly a $300 million aircraft into combat, maybe my mom could stay for my promotion ceremony,” she said.“She cannot.”Aircrews participating in the missions described the work as reminiscent of previous evacuation operations, with one important difference.“In Afghanistan, we were flying people out of a dangerous country because they had helped us,” said one C-130 pilot. “Here, we’re flying military families away from the people currently helping us.”He paused.“Operationally, though, the per diem is excellent.”Military officials said troops involved in the deportation missions are encouraged to focus on readiness rather than politics.“Your job is not to question the mission,” said one mobility officer. “Your job is to execute it safely, efficiently and, if necessary, wave goodbye to your mother from the cockpit.”Larkin said she planned to make the best of the experience.“I’m going to give them the full Air Force treatment,” she said. “Safety briefing, turbulence warning, maybe let my little brother see the flight deck before we land.”She added that her mother had already packed snacks for everyone.“She still thinks we’re coming back together.”At press time, Air Mobility Command was reviewing whether Larkin could receive family-separation allowance for deporting her own family.
WASHINGTON — Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth has spent more than a year restoring what he calls the military’s “warrior ethos” through tougher fitness standards, stricter grooming policies and repeated use of the word “lethality.”Now he is turning his attention to what he says may be the most serious readiness crisis facing the force: all the limp dicks he keeps seeing in the Pentagon locker room.Hegseth announced plans this summer to screen service members over 30 for testosterone deficiency. Clinical guidance implementing the program was briefly issued this month before the Pentagon pulled it back for revisions.Duffel Blog spoke with Hegseth about the policy, its origins, and why the secretary appears to be conducting informal visual inspections in the locker room.DB: Mr. Secretary, why is low testosterone a military readiness issue?HEGSETH: I've worried about this since I was a young infantry officer. Not personally, obviously. I piss testosterone. Sometimes blood. But you see guys with low energy, less muscle mass, belly fat, limp dicks. These are supposed to be warriors operating at peak performance. We owe it to them to make them whole again.DB: You keep mentioning limp dicks.HEGSETH: Of course I do. Have you seen one?DB: Yes.HEGSETH: Exactly. Now imagine seeing dozens every morning.DB: Why would I—HEGSETH: I hit the Pentagon gym every morning. Deadlifts. Pull-ups. PeteFit. Then I walk into the locker room and it's like somebody surrendered.Soft packages everywhere.Pasty staff officers. Wrinkled colonels. General officers hanging around like melted candles.This is the Department of War. I should be seeing flags at full mast.DB: Secretary Hegseth, are you saying you assess military readiness by looking at erections in the locker room?HEGSETH: I'm saying you can learn a lot about an organization by walking around naked in it.DB: Is an erection while surrounded by male coworkers actually considered a clinical indicator of healthy testosterone?HEGSETH: RFK and I have discussed this extensively.DB: That doesn't answer the question.HEGSETH: Science is about observing things.I'm observing.DB: The Pentagon issued testosterone-screening guidance and then rescinded it almost immediately.HEGSETH: Temporary tactical pause.DB: So the testosterone policy went soft?HEGSETH: Don't write that.DB: Medical groups generally don't recommend routinely screening asymptomatic men for low testosterone, and unnecessary treatment can affect fertility and carry other risks.HEGSETH: That's what happens when medicine gets captured by woke endocrinologists.You know what doesn't show up on their little charts? Lethality.DB: What about blast exposure and “operator syndrome”? There is evidence that repeated traumatic brain injury and chronic stress can affect hormones.HEGSETH: Exactly. Combat, blast overpressure, sleep deprivation, cortisol, deployment stress. All those things can crush testosterone.DB: You previously included Biden administration policies on that list.HEGSETH: Have you ever read a DEI memo?My testosterone dropped just saying the letters.DB: Will every male service member over 30 be tested?HEGSETH: That's the idea.DB: Even cyber personnel? Finance? Signal?HEGSETH: Obviously there will be risk-based prioritization.DB: Meaning?HEGSETH: If a guy works in signal and has spent 12 years sitting in a SCIF eating Tornados, I don't need a blood test to know we're dealing with a degraded weapons system.But yes, we'll take care of him.Every warrior deserves the opportunity to become extremely vascular.DB: And female service members?
WASHINGTON — Twenty-five years after the Sept. 11 attacks, the United States continues to process the event in the healthiest and most proportionate ways available to a global superpower.The attacks launched wars that lasted long enough for children born after 9/11 to grow up and fight in them, generated a permanent national security bureaucracy, spent several trillion dollars with questionable returns, and inspired millions of Americans to purchase bumper stickers promising never to forget something they were increasingly too young to remember.They also produced conspiracy theories resilient enough to outlive several presidential administrations and, in some cases, basic literacy.To mark the anniversary, here is a selection of stories documenting how well everything went.The wars that followedMeet the teenager born after 9/11 who will one day command all forces in AfghanistanAt a certain point, the joke stopped being that the war was still going and became that nobody seemed especially surprised.Inspiring: This man was born on 9/11 and gets to fight in the same war it inspiredThe post-9/11 experience eventually achieved full generational continuity.Soldier avenges 9/11 by giving $100 bills to corrupt Afghan contractorAmerica’s initial objective of destroying al Qaeda gradually expanded to include ensuring local subcontractors could afford second homes.9/11 anniversary marked by confusion, questions from junior military membersThe military continues to commemorate an event increasingly remembered by junior troops as “something that happened before YouTube.”Never forgetMarine with ‘9/11 Never Forget’ bumper sticker too drunk to remember anythingThe national remembrance campaign remains successful in several important merchandising categories.Al Qaeda marks 9/11 anniversary with honor flight to New YorkAfter years of conflict, even America’s enemies have begun aging into veteran status.Saudi king marks 9/11 anniversary: ‘We lost many good pilots’Allies continue to observe the anniversary in ways uniquely appropriate to their historical involvement.SECDEF crushes 9/11 mastermind’s skull with his bare handsThe United States remains committed to resolving complex questions of justice through emotionally satisfying upper-body strength.The conspiracy front remains active‘So it begins,’ conspiracy theorist says for 1,260th time since 9/11Every national emergency since 2001 has provided fresh evidence that the previous 1,259 warnings were merely early.CIA officer was ready to give his life on 9/11 inside jobFor years, conspiracy theorists demanded answers about who was really behind the attacks. Eventually, middle management was asked to comment.9/11 truther mysteriously killed by falling buildingInvestigators described the incident as structurally significant.At press time, Americans were preparing to mark the 25th anniversary by solemnly promising to never forget, before immediately arguing online about what actually happened.
For 35 years, I have defended this nation against enemies, insurgents and whatever country CENTCOM decided needed freedom that fiscal year.But I am finished.No pun intended.I simply cannot do this shit anymore.My testosterone is 187. I’m 67 pounds overweight. My knees sound like someone opening a bag of SunChips. I haven't had a meaningful erection since I pulled out of your mom — I mean Afghanistan.And you know what?I'm at peace with that.Secretary of War Pete Hegseth is not.I've never seen anyone in the closet more than that guy. Just come out in your furry suit already.Hegseth apparently believes every man over 30 in uniform is merely one blood test, a testosterone prescription, 400 deadlifts, and an aggressive shaving regimen away from rediscovering his warrior ethos.Sir, I do not want my warrior ethos rediscovered.I want my retirement packet approved.I first became aware that my dick had stopped working during Operation Resolute Support, which in hindsight was an unnecessarily cruel name for the operation.Where was the resolute support for my sagging balls?They now hang lower than my command sergeant major's truck nuts.I've done it all: Afghanistan. Iraq. Afghanistan again. Iraq again. Syria. Then somebody looked around the Middle East and apparently decided Iran had been getting lonely.I'm not sticking around for Iran II: Resolute Harder.My marriage already rode a bomb straight into the ground. My wife exercised what she described as her “doomsday option” and filed for divorce.The whole point of a doomsday option is lost if you keep it secret.Why didn't she tell me?I had cell service for at least 10 minutes every week during whichever deployment I was on when she stopped loving me.Now Hegseth wants to optimize me.He wants to measure my testosterone, increase my lethality, and return me to peak performance.The Pentagon briefly published guidance for this program last week and then pulled it down because even Hegseth’s plan to fix my hormones could not survive the staffing process.For one glorious moment, I thought bureaucracy had finally worked in my favor.Then HRC returned my retirement packet for the fifth time.First, I used the wrong version of a form.Then my signature was allegedly too close to the margin.Then Block 17 required the date in YYYYMMDD format instead of MM/DD/YYYY.Last week, somebody informed me my requested retirement date did not sufficiently account for “mission requirements.”Gentlemen, my current mission requirement is to buy a pontoon boat.The Army has now returned my retirement action more times than my wife returned my calls during our final year of marriage.Apparently this is the only kind of action I can still get.They have forced my hand.During my final assignment, I obtained access to a cache of highly classified documents relating to the missing Epstein files.I placed them in a scheduled Outlook email addressed to every journalist, member of Congress, and bored E-4 with a Gmail account.If my retirement orders are not published by 1700 Friday, the message automatically transmits.Thanks to AI, I no longer understand how the automation works well enough to stop it.The only thing that can cancel transmission is a fully approved set of retirement orders bearing my name and DoD ID number appearing in iPERMS.Call it mutually assured retirement.I don't ask Hegseth to understand me.I ask only that he allow a 55-year-old warrior to disappear into Florida, receive testosterone from a strip-mall men's clinic whose physician keeps winking at me, buy a pontoon boat, and become completely indistinguishable from men 20 years older than me.I have earned the right to spend the rest of my life wearing wraparound sunglasses, yelling about property taxes, and insisting my boat counts as exercise.Secretary Hegseth, approve my packet.You can keep the high-T Department of War.I’m trying to join the low-T Department of Margaritaville.Otherwise, at 1700 Friday, America learns what was in the Epstein files.And unlike my retirement packet, I checked the fucking date format.🖊️SECDEF_Nice served in Army Civil Affairs and specialized in failing to influence populations and occasionally his own chain-of-command. Follow him at Foxhole Briefs, Twitter, Facebook, or Instagram.
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EVERY woman is watching for the classic red flags: controlling, rude to waiters, below 5ft 9ins. But if he owns vinyl of any of these, drop him immediately: Iron Maiden Immaturity doesn’t always mean a motorbike or still clubbing aged 40. Long hair and an skeletal figure called Eddie on his mousemat also mean he’s a boy who’s never grown up, into 13-minute songs about ancient mariners, monsters and marauding Indian tribes he genuinely feels impart useful historical lessons. Scissor Sisters Hugely attractive that such a macho guy is no homophobe, embracing his sensitive side, crazy about a group of gays led by a muscled dancing queen. Thrilling he’s open to playing with gender by borrowing your clothes. Cool he likes to go to gay clubs. Everyone seems to know him in the gay clubs. You’re a woman dating a gay man. What the f**k? The Smiths In the 80s, yes, but still? Being tied to a man who is not only miserable as f**k but inherently boring as arseholes isn’t great, but open worship of Morrissey at this point is akin to announcing that, come the local elections, he will be running as a Reform councillor. And when he is too mental even for them, a Restore councillor. The Prodigy The alarm bells are louder than Music For The Jilted Generation in the back seat of a pimped-out Ford Cosworth. He should be over shouty bangers by this age, but he isn’t. He’s still angry and he wears shorts well into November. And if Firestarter comes on down the pub, his involuntary reactions will convince your mates he has St Vitus’s Dance. Coldplay It isn’t all yellow for this guy. It’s all beige; his conversation, his interests, his family, his life. Nothing rises above the level of bland. Your parents will adore him and his sensible views on saving, kitchens and going to concerts where they give you a light-up bracelet so you feel like you’re part of the show. Dump him. Unless you’re 35 and need babies. Radiohead There isn’t any Radiohead, not any more. Oh, they’re doing some shows, but their last album was ten years ago and their last good album almost 20. He’ll spend the rest of his life dedicated to their lost cause, convincing himself solo albums are genius, unloading trivia on Reddit threads. You’ll always be a distant second to Kid A.
STRICTLY Come Dancing is back, and with it a host of contestants who have been awarded fame without your consent. Who the bloody hell is that supposed to be? Wayne Hayes, forester: “Danny Dyer? That’s not Danny Dyer. What do you mean there’s a girl one?” Emma Bradford, florist: “Ah, that’s Stacey Slater, that’s Mack Boyd. Their real names? Come on now. That’s unfair.” Denys Finch Hatton, flautist: “I’m seeing Dame Stella Rimington, Stormzy, Sir Salman Rushdie and the late Bella Emberg. Why disabuse me?” Mary Fisher, flooring specialist: “Isn’t that our Dawn’s eldest? When did he get famous? Oh, he was in a viral clip of two men dancing on a Tube platform in June? Bit too good for this then.” Tom Logan, floor manager: “I’m watching underground Strictly. Huw Edwards, Gregg Wallace, Pip Schofield, Russell Brand and Katie Hopkins foxtrotting around a disused car park in Basingstoke before a baying crowd.”
PALOMA Faith says ‘Free Palestine!’ when she tucks her children up at night, ensuring they will grow up to become Tories. How are you being a smug left-wing parent? Going on marches ‘Have you got your signs, kids?’ you ask at the door on your way to another jolly Saturday at a protest. Will it be Palestine, or Pride, or workers’ rights? (It will be Palestine.) And after a lovely march they’ll enjoy a packed quinoa lunch and an afternoon at a niche museum. So much better than football or television! Making them vegan Of course there’s no coercion, it’s Rosa and Cesar’s own choice to eschew all animal products in their diets. They had the option to buy their own food using money they’d earned and to cook it themselves if they wanted to eat meat but, aged five and eight respectively, they didn’t. Providing an alternative learning environment School covers the basics, but its nationalist bias means children are woefully unaware of the Mangrove Nine, the Greenham Common women or the Jarrow March. To balance that, you lead your little ones gently into contemplation of injustice by placing Soviet posters in their bedrooms and reading bedtime stories by Howard Zinn. Helping their linguistic development Children are so darling when they’re first acquiring language, with wonderfully garbled syntax that might, on examination, show structural prejudice. Once they’re fluent in phrases like ‘labour organiser’, ‘military-industrial complex’ and ‘learned behaviours of white supremacy’ they’ll soon be correcting all their classmates! Steering them toward the correct toys Reactionary relatives may attempt to give your children toys glorifying the army, or motor vehicles, or horse ownership, or if it’s a Furby, AI. These do untold damage and if given the option your children would certainly reject them so there’s no need to give them the option. They love their wooden toys carved by Sandinistas in the Nicaraguan jungle! Encouraging them to make their own choices Finally, unlike other people’s children who are indoctrinated into the ways of capitalism from birth, your progeny are free to make their own decisions. That’s what liberated parenthood is all about. And if they choose to support all your causes, what a wonderful vindication of your ideals as a parent! You knew you were right.
THE King has revealed that he only sounded ‘giddily elated’ because he was being fellated at the time. His Majesty responded to Earl Spencer’s claims that he sounded like a ‘lottery winner’ upon hearing about the death of Diana by admitting that his genitals were receiving mind-blowing oral stimulation during the phone call. He said: “The news was sad, but the tongue action I was getting felt euphoric. It was a classic case of right blowjob, wrong time. “Everyone can remember where they were when they found out what happened in that Paris tunnel, and I’m no exception. I was on the landing, trousers down, enjoying the head of a lifetime. Those sort of moments stick with you forever. “It’s amazing I didn’t sound more excited than I was. I could’ve easily screamed ‘God yes, just like that, don’t stop!’ Thanks to a lifetime of royal training though, I sensed that it might have been inappropriate. “Perhaps I should set the record straight by writing my own tell-all memoir. I’ll protect the dignity of the lucky lady by changing her name, of course. Something like Bamilla ought to work.” Prince William said: “What a delightful mental image, cheers for that, Dad.”
Right after he told them their home state was the worst in the nation, Donald Trump followed that gem up with a joke about withholding disaster relief funds. The President was in North Carolina desperately stumping for his Maga candidates ahead of the midterms when he mentioned that if Republican Senate nominee Michael Whatley doesn’t […] The Poke.
Never admit weakness. Always attack. It’s the Donald Trump approach. Unfortunately for him, the only thing he is not afraid of (talking in public) has revealed his deepest fears (sharks and… batteries?) The President was speaking at a White House Rose Garden dinner yesterday in front of a group of outdoorsmen when the subject of […] The Poke.
Here’s public service broadcasting at its best, or something like it, and there’s not a phrase we’re often using on these pages. It’s a Norwegian TV ad about how things don’t last as long as they used to, and it manages to have both a very important message and be an absolutely fabulous watch, both […] The Poke.
Being given a nickname is usually a gesture of affection. It means you’re well known enough in a group to warrant a special tag. However, it often turns out that the more esteem you are held in by your friends, the worse the nickname will be. They’ve been discussing this on the AskReddit page after […] The Poke.
Schadenfreude – the name for the feeling of pleasure derived from the misfortune of others – tends to be applied to events that are bad for unpleasant people. Like when Liz Truss got the boot from being Prime Minister for her insane mini-budget, for example. But sometimes we can feel a nice twinge of it […] The Poke.
Last updated: 2026-09-18T22:32:05+02:00
