The Onion
Ticks: Myth Vs. Fact
The CDC reports an estimated 31 million people in the United States are bitten by a tick annually. The Onion examines the myths and facts surrounding the common parasites.
MYTH: Ticks only live in the woods.
FACT: Many ticks enjoy the more cosmopolitan feel of a park or garden.
MYTH: You can easily feel a tick bite.
FACT: You didn’t notice that popcorn kernel in your teeth for a whole day.
MYTH: Only deer ticks are dangerous.
FACT: By far the most dangerous species of tick is the Northern Deviously Clever Tick Who Covets Your Family Fortune.
MYTH: Ticks survive solely on blood.
FACT: They also enjoy tapas.
MYTH: Tweezers are the best way to remove ticks.
FACT: Tweezers are a last resort and should only be used if diplomacy fails.
MYTH: You should dispose of a tick by flushing it down the toilet.
FACT: Ticks should be cremated and their ashes scattered over the Grand Canyon per their burial wishes.
MYTH: One tick bite can put a person off eating red meat.
FACT: True but one bite from a cow can put them right back on.
The Onion.
Keir Starmer Resigns Amid ‘Not Being Very Good Prime Minister’ Scandal
The Onion.
Bill Gates Invests In New Sex Trafficking Startup
The Onion.
Study Contends Free Will Disproven By Fact That Humans Repeatedly Eat At Jimmy John’s
CHAMPAIGN, IL—Shedding new light on the concept of voluntary behavior, researchers at the University of Illinois Urbana-Champaign contend in a study published this week that the existence of free will can be disproven by the fact that people repeatedly eat at chain sandwich restaurant Jimmy John’s. “Our exhaustive survey of over 12,000 regular Jimmy John’s customers revealed patterns of behavior utterly inconsistent with the idea of human autonomy,” said lead researcher Gina Smith, emphasizing that no person with functioning taste buds would continually subject themselves to a dry, flavorless J.J.B.L.T. or a cold, inadequate Jimmy Cubano unless their behavior was predetermined by a chain of causal events behind their control. “If people had the ability to act consciously in their own self-interest, they would never purchase, let alone consume, this food. The fact that Jimmy John’s sells over 700,000 sandwiches a day proves that we exist in a clockwork universe where every action is foreordained by the initial conditions established at the time of the Big Bang. Ultimately, free will, like the existence of alfalfa sprouts on Jimmy John’s menu, is merely an illusion.” At press time, the researchers announced that the deterministic cosmos had once again led them to purchase a 30-piece party box of Bootlegger Clubs.
The Onion.
U.K. Weighs Social Media Ban Of Everyone Except Old Men Who Grow Big Vegetables
LONDON—Insisting that digital platforms should be restricted to responsible individuals, members of the U.K. Parliament announced Friday they were weighing a ban on social media for everyone except old men who grow big vegetables. “Under our bill, users seeking to access Instagram, Facebook, TikTok, X, or other social media networks will first have to pass a photo verification test certifying they are over 65 years old and possess multiple gourds weighing more than 300 kilos,” said Prime Minister Keir Starmer, adding that users could alternatively provide evidence of carrots over 50 centimeters long or sunflowers over three meters tall. “The data is clear: Social media presents a clear risk to the mental health of everyone other than puffy, mild-mannered pensioners who exclusively use the platforms to share photos of their prized produce. We propose that starting in 2027, any images posted online that lack oversized tubers, leafy greens, Brussels sprouts, or some other form of veg be flagged as ‘sensitive content’ and subject to removal following review. We hope this move will safeguard the well-being of our citizens while allowing seniors a space in which to dazzle each other with stupendous aubergines and monstrous courgettes.” At press time, Parliament was reportedly considering a revised bill that would expand social media access to elderly women who make elaborate patchwork quilts.
The Onion.
ClickHole
Innovative: ‘The New York Times’ Has Announced Their Subscriptions Will Now Be Billed On A Sliding Scale Based On How Likely Someone Is To Remember That They’re Still Being Billed For ‘The New York Times’
As companies struggle to find profitable revenue models in the ever-changing digital landscape, one iconic journalistic entity is pursuing a novel and logical solution: The New York Times has announced their subscriptions will now be billed on a sliding scale based on how likely someone is to remember that they’re still being billed for the New York Times.
Hey, that’s actually pretty smart!
In an unassuming email sent out at 3 a.m. on a Sunday night (likely in the hopes that many subscribers would never open it), The New York Times quietly announced that access to The New York Times will now be billed on a sliding scale, ranging from $0.32 to $23,000 a month depending on how likely the subscriber is to remember that they’re paying for it.
If you’ve ever tried to cancel your New York Times subscription only to be offered a much lower rate to continue, you know these subscription fees were already quite malleable, but this new model takes their seemingly arbitrary pricing to the extreme. People who are hyper-aware they are paying for The New York Times—such as those who play Wordle first thing at 6 a.m. before they even get out of bed and those who frequently share NYT links to Facebook with the caption, “Great article in today’s Times!”— will receive the lowest rates to ensure they don’t cancel their subscriptions when they realize they can barely afford groceries or get demoted at work. People least likely to realize they’re still paying for The New York Times, such as old people with dementia, dead people, and people who have so many subscriptions that they just expect hundreds of dollars to leave their bank account monthly for reasons they can’t remember, will be completely gouged by subscription rates many multiples of their mortgage payments.
This is definitely an idea whose time has come.
Look, the days of getting a newspaper delivered to your porch and therefore having a constant reminder that you’re paying for The New York Times are over, so it’s time for the Times to fully exploit the fact that people don’t know what the fuck they’re paying for half the time. Hopefully this innovative pricing model allows The New York Times to survive another 175 years, even if it means your grandma is paying $8,000 a month for it despite not even knowing her username and password to log in to the site.
Refreshing Transparency: Trump’s Next Physical Will Be Performed In Front Of A Live Audience At Madison Square Garden
Under President Trump, government transparency is all but nonexistent. That’s what makes his administration’s latest decision so unexpectedly refreshing: Trump’s next physical will be performed in front of a live audience at Madison Square Garden.
Wow. Hey, if it takes indulging Trump’s penchant for showmanship to have a more honest and open executive office, we’ll take it!
As the President enters his 80s with his health under greater scrutiny than ever, Trump is setting out to prove he’s of sound body and mind by undergoing a Presidential Physical live on stage, in the round, at Madison Square Garden. The MSG-hosted event was announced at a press conference this morning, where President Trump explained that Dr. Sean Barbarella, the current Physician to the President, will examine every inch of his body and test his mental acuity for the 20,000 spectators lucky enough to score a ticket—which sold out minutes after going on sale, with front-row seats priced at $1,000,000 each.
“You’re gonna see every inch of my body and brain on the MSG jumbotron, and you’re gonna say, ‘boy, that’s a healthy person, we saw it all, what an honest and transparent president Trump is,’ and it’ll be true, because it is true, and the proof will be right there in the World’s Most Famous Arena,” said President Trump, before boasting about his physical selling out MSG in minutes, when “President Biden’s Live Presidential Physical couldn’t even sell out Union Pool in Williamsburg,” an event that fact-checkers quickly proved never happened. “There will be an encore. A big one. We’re keeping it a surprise. It’s a dental check-up.”
While Trump’s physical is the headliner event, the lineup also features an opening colonoscopy of Health Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr., an autism screening of RFK Jr. that will take place at the same time he’s getting the colonoscopy, and FBI Director Kash Patel reading the Wikipedia page for “Pap smear” at intermission.
Say what you will about Trump, but this is a huge step towards repairing public trust in government.
No matter what the results of Trump’s physical exam are, Americans will get to see it with their own eyes, instead of taking Trump at his word. Props to the President for setting a new standard for government transparency!
Fucking Brutal: You Just Made A Joke While Out To Dinner, And The Table Next To You Cracked Up At The Same Time, And You Thought They Were Laughing At Your Great Joke So You Proudly Turned To Them, Which They Didn’t Notice Because They Weren’t Actually Laughing At You – Just Something They’d Said At The Same Time – But Everyone At Your Table Saw You Turn, So Now They Know You Thought Those People Were Laughing At You, Even Though No One At Your Own Table Was Laughing, Because Your Joke Wasn’t Actually All That Good
So Now Not Only Do The People At Your Own Table Think You’re Unfunny, They Also Probably Think You’re A Loser, Because They Saw The Big Smile On Your Face When You Thought The Other Table Was Cracking Up At What You Said, And You Could See The Pity In Their Eyes While You Realized What Was Really Happening, And God, It’s That Pity That Feels Worst Of All – Silence At A Joke You Can Handle, That’s Nothing, That’s Fine, But When Someone Looks At You With Eyes That Say “Aw, You Don’t Even Know You’re Pathetic” It’s Reason Enough To Get Up And Walk Into The Sea Or At Least A Big Lake
Frankly Had The Other Table Actually Heard You, They Probably Would’ve Laughed, Because You Can Just Tell They Have A Better Vibe Than The People At Your Own Table Who Obviously Want To Hold You Back Or Limit Your Boundless Creativity Or Make You Feel Like A Stupid Baby Just For Trying To Entertain Them With Your Insights And Quips, And You Should Go Sit At The Other Table, They Have Better Style Than Your So-Called Friends And They’re Discussing Art, Which Isn’t Something You Know About, But It Would Be If You Surrounded Yourself With A Different Type Of Person
Because That’s Another Thing, No One’s Cultured Anymore, Everyone’s Hobby Is Just Scrolling Through Bikini Photos Of Their Acquaintances, College Students Can’t Make It Through The Classics, Not That You Did Either, But Your Reason Was That You Didn’t Want To Read Them, Not That You Physically Couldn’t, And Society Is Backsliding Into An Oral Culture, Which Is Especially Bad For You Since No One Seems To Like What You Say, And Because You Don’t Even Have That Good Of A Memory (Really Just Because You’re Not A Good Listener) When Your Parents Die, You Won’t Remember Their Stories, And Only When It’s Too Late Will You Realize You Never Really Loved Anyone But Yourself
But Maybe It’s Not Too Late, You’re Still Young After All, You Can Show Up For The People In Your Life, You Can Make Them Feel Seen, You Shouldn’t Wait For Your Them To Invite You To Dinner, In Fact, You Should Cook For Them, Have Them Over, Get Some Wine That’s Only Room Temperature If It Should Be, Really Clean Your Toilet, Make A Real Recipe Not Just Pasta With Whatever, And Listen, Really Listen, Because Honestly – Honestly – Your Joke Was Hilarious, Your Friends Just Didn’t Laugh At It Because They Needed To Teach You This Lesson, And Now That You’ve Learned It, You Can Say The Joke Again, Yes, Go On, Say It Again, Loud And Proud, Because You Are The Second Coming To Lisa Lampanelli, You Are A Brilliant Genius Who Loves Life And Life Loves You Back!
I’’,Jsut Triend Someting Callesd Artefficial Ingellengents And Le’ts Just Say I Will Not Be Using Rengular Ingellengents Ever Agian!! , (By Queen Elizabeth II)
Untitled DocumenHe,llo frellow netizems! Today i work k up and wen t onto Compter to simpley “Check into the Net” You Know, do my Rengulars: Play crad game with my Cyber Buddy Narthan, Check Amerzon for deal’s, Enojy brownsing YouTunes (no watchin ofcourse, only brownsing the Thubnails!) and check me Spam Folgers for Impotent undead gmails such as “Dear Quewn, It is Eltons John , help m e” or “Here comes the Coupon for a Free WAfflemeal” but then I saw a New button on my brownser and I thouhgt to myslef, What Is thhis SHit?? The Buppon said “Areteficial Intellgignets” and well , , whh y y y do o I have thhhat bbiuuuttooonnm s SO I did a little inventiqation:
Tuned out that Aretnafiocial Intelaginets is A type of Thinking Item that instead of using Human’s Brain’s it using A computer that knows About Thinking m , ≥ , . .,,, . Well, , What good is That kind of Butoon? I said into my Computer Microphpome. And I waite a logtime for the Answer befoe out of prue desperbation I went Onto Wikipinocchio and said again “Well, , What good is That kind of Butoon?” Vreyr loud Wikipinocchio voice came Into my Hearbuds and said “HELLL O QUEN, I am QUAZER> . “” Well , I About Took A Bathroom Right Into My Brazzier When I Heard That Quazar voice! But even Though Quazat Sounded Like a tpye of Star War/Toilet Type of talking, It waws Anctually Very helpful me!
IT Explainm /th/at the Antefictional Ingredients button , Could do a lot of Reallycoolthing. For Example, , I told it “I want TO see Picture: “ BOOM, There was picture. Now I said into the button L<, “Would Like to hear Song About Picture” Boom. Song now Singing. And then I said “I would like to ORgnazie my Bones “ becauUse When J OJ OUIU I I Camme to HEA VEN m
eVERy }THIHNG Went EVERTHWERE! and I mean nk Mmy pelvis Was INSID my HEAD AND MY skul l; hmb nnbbm was inside Another Person. big broblem ,
Adfter seeing what remarkzuckerbergle thinks I Could do with the QUAZAR artrenfincial ingegglegetns It made me think , well I dont Need rengular ingellegents anymore !! Which Is a huge refill! before, , when I want n to See A VIdeo of something skateboarding , I wouild have use my Regular Intellingets to Find Out How. m Very hard for brain m m , to Do that and to See That, But now, Useing the QUAZAR artenfictional intelligrents I can tell it “Watch video of something skatebroading” and it Does it For me while I <Rest>. , no need to Wathch the video myslef with my New Vital Productuvity Tool QUAZAR, I can give my tasks to QUAZAR and sim;lly collampse onto the Floor, , n A Husk of my Former Self, , No need to Imagine , or Dream , O r exprent .. .
Sorrym m , rengular intenegents, but there is a New brian In town ,.and I will not be Needling yoy anymore !
Sencerly, , Her Rasyoal Managable,
The Quen , , and QUAZAR
Death With Dignity: Life Alert Has Added A Self-Destruct Button
Nobody likes to imagine their final moments on Earth, but we all harbor the deep desire to leave this world with as much dignity and control as possible. That’s why this story is guaranteed to restore your faith in humanity and fill you with hope for the future: Life Alert has added a self-destruct button.
Absolutely beautiful. It’s amazing that one company is going so far above and beyond for its customers.
“Now when you fall down and can’t get up, or start to suffer a heart attack, Life Alert offers you the option to end your life in a peaceful, tasteful explosion,” the personal emergency response company wrote in a post on their official Instagram account early this morning. “The days of lying on the ground, waiting around for help that could take forever to arrive, are over.”
In a recent commercial highlighting the new Life Alert feature, an elderly woman slips and falls in her driveway. The old woman recites the iconic Life Alert line, “Help, I’ve fallen and I can’t get up,” before pressing the emergency call button on her Life Alert bracelet. After lying on the ground for 15 seconds, the woman then says, “Fuck this, I don’t have the time for this kind of bullshit,” presses a button on her bracelet labeled “Self-Destruct” and immediately explodes, blowing a hole in the side of her house and destroying her garden in the process.
The commercial is being heralded by all the most important advertising experts as “deeply moving” and “solemnly poetic.” Life Alert is being heralded across the marketing industry for taking the honor and poise of their customers seriously and offering them a way to end their life with an elegant explosion instead of flopping around like a fish.
This is so awesome! We knew that Life Alert was one of the best companies of all time, but adding a self-destruct button is insanely beautiful, even for them. No matter who you are or where you come from, we can all agree that letting the elderly blow themselves up with their self-respect intact is noble, empowering, and wonderful. Other companies take note: this is the kind of care and innovation your customers deserve!
Duffel Blog
Legally dead retiree still somehow first in pharmacy line
JOINT BASE LEWIS-MCCHORD, Wash. — Preparing for a short-notice deployment to the Middle East, Capt. Aaron Lee arrived at the base pharmacy this week only to discover he was once again standing behind a retiree who appears to have survived several administrations, three wars, and most known causes of death.The retiree, 78-year-old Tech. Sgt. (Ret.) Carl Parker, was asleep upright in a wheelchair near the front of the line with what witnesses described as “a medically theoretical pulse.”“That retiree is here every day,” said Red Cross volunteer Sarah Jones. “He waits four hours to pick up a single day’s worth of heart medication, then comes back the next morning and does it again.”According to pharmacy staff, Parker's resting heart rate is approximately 27 beats per minute, a figure several medical professionals described as “more of a suggestion than a vital sign.”Parker retired after 20 years of service and has been filling prescriptions at McChord for more than three decades.Although eligible for Veterans Affairs healthcare, Parker said he prefers the atmosphere of the military pharmacy.“I like talking to the young airmen,” he said after being gently awakened by a volunteer. “I ask about their jobs, tell them stories from my service, and point out when their uniforms are out of regs. In my day, our troops looked sharp. Now some of them have boobs.”For every active-duty service member waiting at the pharmacy, officials estimated there were roughly five retirees and spouses.Several admitted they no longer required medication but continued showing up out of habit.“This is basically my social life,” one retiree explained. “Yesterday I spent three hours discussing lawn fertilizer and the Korean War with a guy who wasn't even in the Korean War.”Despite needing medication before deployment, Lee ultimately left without filling his prescription.“If spending four hours at the base pharmacy is how this guy gets his kicks, who am I to judge?” Lee said. “I’m just not gonna sit around and watch him get resuscitated twice in a waiting period, all for him to refuse an ambulance and drive himself home.” Lee said he briefly reconsidered after watching Parker stop breathing twice, regain consciousness without assistance, and successfully argue with a pharmacist about uniform standards from 1987.At press time, Parker was reportedly still holding his place in line despite being declared deceased by three separate medical providers.
Pentagon insiders increasingly concerned about 'mission creep'
THE PENTAGON — Anonymous Pentagon officials warned this week that concerns about “mission creep” have reached alarming levels throughout the Department of Defense, with multiple insiders reporting the phenomenon appears to follow Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth wherever he goes.According to sources familiar with the situation, senior military and civilian leaders have spent months attempting to contain the creep, often with limited success.“We keep trying to avoid mission creep,” said one senior officer responsible for monitoring ongoing operations. “But wherever we turn, it’s there. It just keeps showing up unexpectedly and getting worse.”Research suggests mission creep typically develops through repetitive boundary violations, unchecked escalation, and a refusal to accept limitations.“Success only invites more mission creep,” one official said. “At this point we've started discussing ways to appear unsuccessful.”Hegseth’s aide-de-camp agreed.“The secretary remains extremely optimistic,” the aide said. “Every setback is just another opportunity to expand operations. The man has never encountered a boundary he didn’t immediately try to cross.”According to insiders, discussions about mission creep now occur almost every time Hegseth appears in public.“It’s like he’s constantly lurking around corners,” one Pentagon official said. “Which is impressive considering the Pentagon has fewer corners than most buildings.”Several officials acknowledged they have struggled to address the issue directly.“One day I tried dropping hints,” said a civilian employee. “But he just kept talking about lethality and rigorous exercises with something called ‘D-Force.’ I told him I was a lesbian and he immediately lost interest. Mission accomplished.”Others argued a more direct approach was necessary.“I suggested we simply explain the mission creep and redirect resources toward the original objective,” one official said. “Instead everyone told me I was as dense as Hegseth. That felt unnecessary. I mean, damn, you have to compare me to that asshole?"Asked about reports of mission creep inside the Pentagon, Hegseth appeared confused by the criticism.“Mission creep has always been the objective,” he said. “Iran has been a tremendous success. Soon China runs out of oil, then Cuba finds itself isolated and abandoned by its allies. That's called strategic vision.”When asked whether the phrase “clarity is kindness” meant anything to him personally, Hegseth paused.“I don't use the word kindness,” he said. “But clarity? Absolutely. Direct, aggressive communication increases lethality. It's something I appreciate more than 99 percent of my peers.”At press time, Hegseth was reportedly wandering Pentagon hallways carrying a tape measure and a body-fat worksheet while asking female officers whether they were “within standards.”🖊️SECDEF_Nice served in Army Civil Affairs and specialized in failing to influence populations and occasionally his own chain-of-command. Favorite quote by Plato: “The best satire for the soul is the truth.” Follow him on X at @SECDEF_Nice or at Foxhole Briefs.
Hegseth unveils separate but equal branches of military service
WASHINGTON — Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth announced a sweeping military reorganization this week creating two separate branches of service, a move officials say will reward excellence while ensuring lower-performing personnel are placed somewhere they can do less damage.“We're simply aligning the force with realities we've observed,” Hegseth said in a prerecorded video. “The people I put on promotion lists keep succeeding, while the people I remove from promotion lists keep failing to get promoted. The data speaks for itself.”According to Hegseth, one branch will consist of the military's highest-performing personnel, while the second will be composed of service members who have allegedly benefited from diversity initiatives, failed to meet warrior standards by lacking testicles, or were unable to swim.“This is purely merit-based,” Hegseth said. “Any suggestion otherwise is dishonest.”Pentagon spokesman Sean Parnell rejected accusations that the restructuring was based on race, gender, religion, or any other protected category.“The demographic outcomes are entirely coincidental,” Parnell said. “For example, there are women who don't say no in the superior branch. If other women want to be a part of it, they shouldn’t say I choked them.”Asked how those women were selected, Parnell said the Pentagon ran extensive war games.“The force we expected to win initially performed worse than anticipated," he said. "Since we knew that result couldn't possibly be correct, we refined the assumptions until the appropriate force won.”A draft planning document Hegseth accidentally leaked to reporters appeared to identify the two organizations as the 'Superior Service' and the 'Tards.'Under the proposal, members of the superior branch would receive newer equipment, renovated barracks, larger budgets, and priority assignment consideration. Members of the other branch would receive opportunities for early discharge.At several bases, personnel assigned to the superior branch have already moved into renovated housing while members of the other branch were relocated to older facilities pending what officials called “future excellence opportunities.”Officials noted that in situations where separation is impractical, including military flights, buses, and movie theaters, members of the superior branch will receive priority seating. But they cautioned that the policy did not imply one branch was better than the other.“The branches are equal,” Parnell said. “One is simply more equal.”At press time, Pentagon planners confirmed that in the event of war, members of the lower-performing branch would be deployed first in order to gain valuable leadership experience.🖊️Red Friday wants you to Remember EVERYONE Deployed
Graham Platner insists tattoo of Hitler choking naked woman is being misunderstood
ELLSWORTH, Maine — Former Marine Graham Platner’s struggling Senate campaign suffered another setback this week after a former girlfriend alleged he had a tattoo depicting Adolf Hitler choking a naked woman across most of his back.
In a recorded statement released Monday, Platner, flanked by his wife, said he was shocked by the accusation.
“I picked that tattoo because it looked like abstract art,” Platner said. “I had no idea it depicted anything specific. It looked like the kind of abstract expressionism loved by Marines and salt-of-the-earth Americans everywhere.”
Platner added that, now aware of the concerns, he intended to modify the artwork.
“I’m going to have it changed so it’s just a generic man choking a woman,” he said. “That way nobody can read politics into it.”
Another former girlfriend, who he dated while filming the recorded statement, insisted Platner’s denial was disingenuous.
“He called it his ‘Little Führer,’” she said. “He even did the accent marks with his fingers.”
The woman, who requested anonymity, said Platner also used the nickname for his penis.
Campaign officials dismissed the allegation.
“Most Marines struggle with English, let alone German,” a spokesman said.
That explanation appeared viable until another former girlfriend, whom Platner dated while waiting in line at a Green Beans Coffee in Iraq’s Al Anbar Province, provided photographs of the tattoo.
Beneath the image appeared a German inscription reading, "Mein Name ist Graham Platner. Das Tattoo ist eine Metapher dafür, wie ich über Frauen denke. Und auch über Juden." The inscription translates to:...
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Opinion: Should I water my veteran?
The following is an opinion piece by former Army Sgt. 1st Class and current HR specialist Bradley Mercer.As a former service member who now works in human resources for a large technology company, I have recently been confronted with an unexpected workplace management question.Managers keep asking me the same thing:“Should I water my veteran?”The short answer is: it depends.Like most things in the military, the answer is METT-TC dependent. The veteran, the environment, the mission, and the general vibe of the office must all be considered before making any hydration decisions.Not all veterans require the same level of watering.The first category is the Normal Human Veteran.This veteran has fully transitioned to civilian life and will take immediate offense if you attempt to water them.They mention military service only when writing in their journal, obtaining a discount at Lowe’s, or discussing VA disability claims with a level of precision normally reserved for danger-close mortar missions.They never wear the hats.They never tell stories.If you bring up the military, they will sigh and immediately redirect the conversation toward mortgage rates, Excel formulas, or mulch pricing.Do not water this veteran.They will interpret it as an attempt to establish dominance and spend the next five years quietly planning their departure from your organization.The second category is the Oxygen Thief Veteran.This individual spent most of their military career being reminded to perform basic biological functions.Drink water.Change socks.Stand up straight.Stop doing that.Because of this conditioning, they expect management to tell them when to hydrate.If no guidance is provided, they will sit quietly at their desk dehydrating while waiting for instructions.This is the only veteran category where proactive watering is recommended.The third category is the Smelly Veteran.
Daily Mash
England expected to easily beat Ghana by fans who know not one thing about Ghana
ENGLAND fans entirely ignorant of Ghana’s team, location, population or previous existence have no doubt England will win against them tonight.
Fans with no inkling of Ghana’s recent record or who their players are have predicted a thrilling 5-1 victory on the basis that we are England and they are Ghana, whoever Ghana are.
Fan Nathan Muir said: “I don’t know exactly nothing about them. I’m pretty sure they’re in Africa. Could I put a pin in a map within 10,000 miles of them? No.
“I’ve been thinking about this game for a week. Should Guehi replace Stones? Should Rashford start, or are we better using his hunger for goals as an impact sub? Our opponents? Not even slightly.
“Who’s their manager? Carlos Queiroz? Pretty sure he managed Real Madrid in the 00s. And they’ve got Semenyo the City winger playing for them. There, I’ve done my research. Hardly Kane and Rice, is it?
“Like the henchmen of a Bond villain, their role is to provide token resistance before being steamrollered in our fated triumph. They’ve got as many points as us? Well they won’t have later.”
He added: “God, remember the 2010 World Cup, when we were so overconfident we drew against Algeria and the US and got knocked out straight after the group stage? I’m glad we’re not like that now.”
Pets boil and explode: the traumatic heatwave events the media is gagging for
THE media absolutely loves unpleasantly hot weather with scary official warnings. Now we’re heading for record temperatures, here’s how they’d like to see the UK suffer:
All the roads melt
Not just a few stretches of tarmac, but Britain’s whole road network. Ambulances unable to move, cars combusting, food shortages inevitable. It will be absolutely fantastic for a Mail headline and could lead to an even better story: cannibalism.
Pets boil and explode
Ideally the heatwave will be so intense that pets’ internal systems rapidly boil and they explode like popcorn. Upsetting and gruesome, but great for sad families in football tops telling local news ‘and then the kids’ hamster went off like a hand grenade’.
A higher warning level is announced
The media are already very excited about the red heat warning, but newsreaders would take savage glee in saying: ‘The warning level has been raised to an unprecedented Code Purple.’
Parts of Britain submerged in ladybirds
The gold standard for heatwaves is summer 1976, when a plague of ladybirds left their jolly corpses piled high on roadsides. It would be even better if this time people were literally drowning in them like quicksand. ‘These ladybirds didn’t fly away home – they killed 16 people,’ Tom Bradby will announce, pleased with himself.
Heathrow becomes a deadly magnifying glass
Heathrow’s massive glass roofs focus sunlight into deadly beams that incinerate people like ants. If this doesn’t happen, any severe heat-related disruption will suffice, so long as viewers can luxuriate in the misery of passengers waiting 12 hours to find out their holiday is f**ked.
Ice cream fatalities
It’s hard to think of circumstances in which an ice cream will kill you, but maybe the contrast between heat and cold will cause those eating them to haemorrhage. Which would allow Alex Jones on The One Show to use the phrase ‘the silent killer in your freezer’ and ‘the chimes of death’.
Shark attacks
The heatwave might warm our coastal waters and lead to shark attacks, great for the media because of the deaths, interesting bites and being able to reference Jaws. Obviously less desirable if you’re the person being eaten, but making local news watchable means your sacrifice was not in vain.
A new low in antisocial behaviour
2020 was very much the year of shitting in a burger box and leaving it on a beach, but it’s declined since. If you’re going to the seaside this weekend, try crapping in the holes of crazy golf courses. The newspapers will have a disgusting new trend to report on and your excrement will be famous.
The 16 subscriptions you don’t remember signing up to
IDLY scrolling through your banking app, you begin to wonder what the f**k all these monthly payments are actually for. These are the bastards bleeding you dry:
Gym membership
Signed up to following a bad photo of yourself three years ago. Last attended in June 2025. The £36 a month has stayed significantly more committed than you did.
Hinge+
Upgraded in a low moment to see who’d liked you. It was one bot and a man called Gaz, aged 51, holding a large fish.
The Economist
It’s still unsure who you the f**k you thought you were when you signed up to this. The unread pile is now as high as the toilet bowl.
Quibz
You’d never heard of this streaming platform before but signed up for a free trial to watch a single film. Two weeks later it renewed into an annual plan and you’re now a Quibz Platinum member.
Drizzl
Another streaming platform. Never heard of it. Another free trial. You are apparently Drizzl Elite.
Zumo
Yet another streaming platform. The only evidence this one even exists is your monthly payment.
A document-scanning app
Used once to scan a parking permit. Inexplicably £180 a year. Nobody has ever found the option to cancel.
A financial management app
You subscribed to an app to help get rid of all your subscriptions and all you ended up with was another subscription, because you are incapable of learning.
Extra cloud storage
£2.49 a month for 200GB, 190 of which is screenshots of memes from a group chat you dearly wish you could leave.
A meditation app
You downloaded this in the hopes of reducing stress. The most recent payment put you into your overdraft.
A parking app
Required by a car park in Basingstoke you’ve never been back to. Charged you 30p to avoid a ticket, then 99p a month ever since. The car park is now flats.
Adobe something
You needed to edit one PDF for work. You are now subscribed to a suite of professional creative tools used by Hollywood studios.
A razor subscription box
Five blades and beard oil arrive monthly. You’re unaware of this because your downstairs neighbour steals them.
Super Duolingo
You think you might have known how to introduce yourself in French the last time you used this, but can’t be sure. Quel dommage.
A vitamin gummy subscription
A box of suspiciously colourful gummies turns up for an immune system you can’t ever remember worrying about.
Antivirus software
Renewed itself for a third year to protect a laptop you recycled last summer.
Starmer U-turns on resignation
KEIR Starmer has performed one of his characteristic U-turns by walking back yesterday’s resignation, Downing Street has confirmed.
After thinking about it overnight, the prime minister has announced he is remaining in office and consequently that Andy Burnham can get on his little train and sod off back to Manchester.
He said: “If Starmerism is anything, it is making a hugely damaging announcement then changing your mind and ineffectively reversing it. Which is what I do here.
“Why would anyone be surprised? It’s what I did with winter fuel payments, the family farm tax, Mandelson. So I stand before you today to say I am resuming my position as prime minister.
“Your old pal Keir is going nowhere. I’m going to hunker down and weather the Makerfield win with my characteristic stubbornness. I may, in time, offer Burnham a junior Cabinet position and allow him to work his way up.
“You seem too stunned with excitement to speak. I’ve noted this reaction previously. I shall leave the room to reflect on my infallible political instincts but feel free to form a conga line in my absence.”
Voter Eleanor Shaw of Hereford said: “And we’ll do just as we did when he went back on those previous decisions, and ignore it.”
Prime ministerial resignations, rated from worst to best
THE UK is now wearily familiar with prime ministers delivering overdue resignation speeches. We rate them from worst to best:
David Cameron, 2010-2016
Done cheerfully with a little whistle and the general demeanour of your financial advisor explaining to you that sorry, unforeseen circumstances mean you’ve lost all your money, but don’t worry it wasn’t my money. Clearly glad to be free of the responsibility and had already moved on. Expects you’ll join him in looking back and laughing one day.
Keir Starmer, 2024-2026
Not a public speaker. Went through his argument of why he should keep his job like a lawyer crushingly aware he’d already lost his case because of some irritating human element – ‘likeability, or whatever’ – he’d failed to account for. The bit at the end where his voice cracked only made Britain detest him more.
Theresa May, 2017-2019
Impact lessened because she’d developed a habit of hauling the podium out only to deliver an automated speech about how everyone was wrong to disagree with her, and this was more of the same with a resignation appended to the end. Attempt to go through list of achievements was hampered by there not being any.
Liz Truss, 2022
Enjoyable because by this point the UK was toying with her and waiting to savour the moment she realised she had f**ked it; a moment which has yet to come. Delivered the whole speech at her weird twisted podium as if she expected the Cavalry of Growth to crest a nearby hill and save her at the last minute. Still fun to watch.
Boris Johnson, 2019-2022
Grudgingly effective at the time, because he had charisma and a gift for a telling quote. Even better in retrospect because it was full of references implying that, like Cincinnatus and Churchill, he would return to power when his nation needed him. A scenario which, like Fantastic Beasts 4, has not happened due to overwhelming public demand.
Rishi Sunak, 2022-2024
Not his actual resignation speech. Did he give one? But the speech he gave on Downing Street in the rain, calling an election, soundtracked by Things Can Only Get Better, was the perfect sorry end to a woeful period in office. Almost justifies his whole premiership. See, we can ruin the lives of multi-millionaires! Voting is worth it!
