The Onion
What To Know About ‘Supergirl’
Supergirl, starring Milly Alcock, opens this weekend. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the film.
Q: What is the premise?
A: A female superhero must single-handedly save the world as she knows it after the catastrophic collapse of interest in the genre.
Q: Is Superman in this one?
A: Why? You don’t think Supergirl can carry a movie on her own? She needs a man’s help? Yes. He’s in it.
Q: Is Supergirl related to Superman?
A: Yes, but they’re only cousins, so romance is still on the table.
Q: How long is it?
A: Two hundred and ninety-nine punches.
Q: If she’s an adult, then why isn’t she called “Superwoman?”
A: Women can’t fly.
Q: What is Supergirl’s power?
A: Securing lucrative ad partnerships with Waymo, Ulta, and KFC.
Q: Why are so many male fans unhappy with it?
A: It isn’t pornography.
The Onion.
Imperialist Planet Fitness Declares Annexed GameStop Part Of Judgement Free Zone
HANNIBAL, MO—Expanding their exercise empire through a hostile takeover of the nearby business, the imperialistic Planet Fitness reportedly annexed a nearby GameStop Thursday as part of their Judgement Free Zone. “In our commitment to improving the world’s physique, we must take what is rightfully ours,” said Planet Fitness CEO Colleen Keating in a fiery speech, claiming the GameStop promoted “sloth and self-pleasure” and needed to be commandeered for the glory of the gym chain’s mission. “The sun shall never set on the beginner-friendly community of Planet Fitness, and this conquest represents just one of many nearby locations our purple-clad troops intend to conquer. By the end of the year, we hope to have Lunk Alarms installed at every nearby GameStop, Sizzler, and Walmart that borders our 2,700 locations worldwide. If these neighboring stores do not succumb to the splendor of our free weight paradise willingly, we have legions of jacked soldiers ready to impose our values by force.” Keating also warned any dissidents that reprisal would be punished with solitary confinement in the Black Card spa’s tanning booth.
The Onion.
Grandma Adds New Urn To Husband Collection
The Onion.
Giannis Antetokounmpo Takes Out Full-Page Ad Thanking Bucks Fans For Not Eating Him
MILWAUKEE—Following his blockbuster trade to the Miami Heat, former Milwaukee Bucks superstar Giannis Antetokounmpo took out a full-page ad in The Milwaukee Journal Sentinel Wednesday thanking Bucks fans for not eating him during his 13 seasons with the franchise. “To the people of Milwaukee, please know that I will be forever grateful that you looked upon my tall and powerful body all these years and chose not to devour me,” wrote Antetokounmpo, adding that, as a very large man himself, he knows he must always eat, and he understands how difficult it must have been for Wisconsin residents not to make a meal of a 6-foot-11, 243-pound man “bursting with rich, nourishing meat.” “When I first arrived from Greece and saw how the people are here, with their deep hunger at all times, I said, ‘Surely, they will swarm me and pick my bones clean before I ever win a title.’ For this reason, I almost always stayed indoors, and I never once ventured out into the city. But you showed restraint. Yes, you ate off a good portion of Thanasis, but I forgive you for this.” Antetokounmpo went on to say that while he would miss Milwaukee, he was excited to start a new chapter in Miami, where “the passion to eat is not so great.”
The Onion.
New ‘Jackass’ Trailer Shows Aging Johnny Knoxville Trying To Climb Staircase Without Handrail
LOS ANGELES—Enticing fans with the promise of the franchise’s most dangerous stunt yet, a new trailer for Jackass: Best And Last released Wednesday showed an aging Johnny Knoxville trying to climb a staircase without a handrail. “Holy shit, what the fuck am I doing?” said the 55-year-old Knoxville, who was seen in the footage shrugging at the camera before taking a few shaky steps and then losing his balance as the rest of the cast laughed hysterically in the background. “Shit, my balls! And my hip and my knee and my lower back! Did you assholes get rid of the runner rug, too? Fuck you, Steve-O, your prescription readers are going up my ass after this.” At press time, sources confirmed that the full film contained an even more death-defying stunt in which the whole gang attempted to take their fiber pills without water.
The Onion.
ClickHole
Innovative: ‘The New York Times’ Has Announced Their Subscriptions Will Now Be Billed On A Sliding Scale Based On How Likely Someone Is To Remember That They’re Still Being Billed For ‘The New York Times’
As companies struggle to find profitable revenue models in the ever-changing digital landscape, one iconic journalistic entity is pursuing a novel and logical solution: The New York Times has announced their subscriptions will now be billed on a sliding scale based on how likely someone is to remember that they’re still being billed for the New York Times.
Hey, that’s actually pretty smart!
In an unassuming email sent out at 3 a.m. on a Sunday night (likely in the hopes that many subscribers would never open it), The New York Times quietly announced that access to The New York Times will now be billed on a sliding scale, ranging from $0.32 to $23,000 a month depending on how likely the subscriber is to remember that they’re paying for it.
If you’ve ever tried to cancel your New York Times subscription only to be offered a much lower rate to continue, you know these subscription fees were already quite malleable, but this new model takes their seemingly arbitrary pricing to the extreme. People who are hyper-aware they are paying for The New York Times—such as those who play Wordle first thing at 6 a.m. before they even get out of bed and those who frequently share NYT links to Facebook with the caption, “Great article in today’s Times!”— will receive the lowest rates to ensure they don’t cancel their subscriptions when they realize they can barely afford groceries or get demoted at work. People least likely to realize they’re still paying for The New York Times, such as old people with dementia, dead people, and people who have so many subscriptions that they just expect hundreds of dollars to leave their bank account monthly for reasons they can’t remember, will be completely gouged by subscription rates many multiples of their mortgage payments.
This is definitely an idea whose time has come.
Look, the days of getting a newspaper delivered to your porch and therefore having a constant reminder that you’re paying for The New York Times are over, so it’s time for the Times to fully exploit the fact that people don’t know what the fuck they’re paying for half the time. Hopefully this innovative pricing model allows The New York Times to survive another 175 years, even if it means your grandma is paying $8,000 a month for it despite not even knowing her username and password to log in to the site.
Refreshing Transparency: Trump’s Next Physical Will Be Performed In Front Of A Live Audience At Madison Square Garden
Under President Trump, government transparency is all but nonexistent. That’s what makes his administration’s latest decision so unexpectedly refreshing: Trump’s next physical will be performed in front of a live audience at Madison Square Garden.
Wow. Hey, if it takes indulging Trump’s penchant for showmanship to have a more honest and open executive office, we’ll take it!
As the President enters his 80s with his health under greater scrutiny than ever, Trump is setting out to prove he’s of sound body and mind by undergoing a Presidential Physical live on stage, in the round, at Madison Square Garden. The MSG-hosted event was announced at a press conference this morning, where President Trump explained that Dr. Sean Barbarella, the current Physician to the President, will examine every inch of his body and test his mental acuity for the 20,000 spectators lucky enough to score a ticket—which sold out minutes after going on sale, with front-row seats priced at $1,000,000 each.
“You’re gonna see every inch of my body and brain on the MSG jumbotron, and you’re gonna say, ‘boy, that’s a healthy person, we saw it all, what an honest and transparent president Trump is,’ and it’ll be true, because it is true, and the proof will be right there in the World’s Most Famous Arena,” said President Trump, before boasting about his physical selling out MSG in minutes, when “President Biden’s Live Presidential Physical couldn’t even sell out Union Pool in Williamsburg,” an event that fact-checkers quickly proved never happened. “There will be an encore. A big one. We’re keeping it a surprise. It’s a dental check-up.”
While Trump’s physical is the headliner event, the lineup also features an opening colonoscopy of Health Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr., an autism screening of RFK Jr. that will take place at the same time he’s getting the colonoscopy, and FBI Director Kash Patel reading the Wikipedia page for “Pap smear” at intermission.
Say what you will about Trump, but this is a huge step towards repairing public trust in government.
No matter what the results of Trump’s physical exam are, Americans will get to see it with their own eyes, instead of taking Trump at his word. Props to the President for setting a new standard for government transparency!
Fucking Brutal: You Just Made A Joke While Out To Dinner, And The Table Next To You Cracked Up At The Same Time, And You Thought They Were Laughing At Your Great Joke So You Proudly Turned To Them, Which They Didn’t Notice Because They Weren’t Actually Laughing At You – Just Something They’d Said At The Same Time – But Everyone At Your Table Saw You Turn, So Now They Know You Thought Those People Were Laughing At You, Even Though No One At Your Own Table Was Laughing, Because Your Joke Wasn’t Actually All That Good
So Now Not Only Do The People At Your Own Table Think You’re Unfunny, They Also Probably Think You’re A Loser, Because They Saw The Big Smile On Your Face When You Thought The Other Table Was Cracking Up At What You Said, And You Could See The Pity In Their Eyes While You Realized What Was Really Happening, And God, It’s That Pity That Feels Worst Of All – Silence At A Joke You Can Handle, That’s Nothing, That’s Fine, But When Someone Looks At You With Eyes That Say “Aw, You Don’t Even Know You’re Pathetic” It’s Reason Enough To Get Up And Walk Into The Sea Or At Least A Big Lake
Frankly Had The Other Table Actually Heard You, They Probably Would’ve Laughed, Because You Can Just Tell They Have A Better Vibe Than The People At Your Own Table Who Obviously Want To Hold You Back Or Limit Your Boundless Creativity Or Make You Feel Like A Stupid Baby Just For Trying To Entertain Them With Your Insights And Quips, And You Should Go Sit At The Other Table, They Have Better Style Than Your So-Called Friends And They’re Discussing Art, Which Isn’t Something You Know About, But It Would Be If You Surrounded Yourself With A Different Type Of Person
Because That’s Another Thing, No One’s Cultured Anymore, Everyone’s Hobby Is Just Scrolling Through Bikini Photos Of Their Acquaintances, College Students Can’t Make It Through The Classics, Not That You Did Either, But Your Reason Was That You Didn’t Want To Read Them, Not That You Physically Couldn’t, And Society Is Backsliding Into An Oral Culture, Which Is Especially Bad For You Since No One Seems To Like What You Say, And Because You Don’t Even Have That Good Of A Memory (Really Just Because You’re Not A Good Listener) When Your Parents Die, You Won’t Remember Their Stories, And Only When It’s Too Late Will You Realize You Never Really Loved Anyone But Yourself
But Maybe It’s Not Too Late, You’re Still Young After All, You Can Show Up For The People In Your Life, You Can Make Them Feel Seen, You Shouldn’t Wait For Your Them To Invite You To Dinner, In Fact, You Should Cook For Them, Have Them Over, Get Some Wine That’s Only Room Temperature If It Should Be, Really Clean Your Toilet, Make A Real Recipe Not Just Pasta With Whatever, And Listen, Really Listen, Because Honestly – Honestly – Your Joke Was Hilarious, Your Friends Just Didn’t Laugh At It Because They Needed To Teach You This Lesson, And Now That You’ve Learned It, You Can Say The Joke Again, Yes, Go On, Say It Again, Loud And Proud, Because You Are The Second Coming To Lisa Lampanelli, You Are A Brilliant Genius Who Loves Life And Life Loves You Back!
I’’,Jsut Triend Someting Callesd Artefficial Ingellengents And Le’ts Just Say I Will Not Be Using Rengular Ingellengents Ever Agian!! , (By Queen Elizabeth II)
Untitled DocumenHe,llo frellow netizems! Today i work k up and wen t onto Compter to simpley “Check into the Net” You Know, do my Rengulars: Play crad game with my Cyber Buddy Narthan, Check Amerzon for deal’s, Enojy brownsing YouTunes (no watchin ofcourse, only brownsing the Thubnails!) and check me Spam Folgers for Impotent undead gmails such as “Dear Quewn, It is Eltons John , help m e” or “Here comes the Coupon for a Free WAfflemeal” but then I saw a New button on my brownser and I thouhgt to myslef, What Is thhis SHit?? The Buppon said “Areteficial Intellgignets” and well , , whh y y y do o I have thhhat bbiuuuttooonnm s SO I did a little inventiqation:
Tuned out that Aretnafiocial Intelaginets is A type of Thinking Item that instead of using Human’s Brain’s it using A computer that knows About Thinking m , ≥ , . .,,, . Well, , What good is That kind of Butoon? I said into my Computer Microphpome. And I waite a logtime for the Answer befoe out of prue desperbation I went Onto Wikipinocchio and said again “Well, , What good is That kind of Butoon?” Vreyr loud Wikipinocchio voice came Into my Hearbuds and said “HELLL O QUEN, I am QUAZER> . “” Well , I About Took A Bathroom Right Into My Brazzier When I Heard That Quazar voice! But even Though Quazat Sounded Like a tpye of Star War/Toilet Type of talking, It waws Anctually Very helpful me!
IT Explainm /th/at the Antefictional Ingredients button , Could do a lot of Reallycoolthing. For Example, , I told it “I want TO see Picture: “ BOOM, There was picture. Now I said into the button L<, “Would Like to hear Song About Picture” Boom. Song now Singing. And then I said “I would like to ORgnazie my Bones “ becauUse When J OJ OUIU I I Camme to HEA VEN m
eVERy }THIHNG Went EVERTHWERE! and I mean nk Mmy pelvis Was INSID my HEAD AND MY skul l; hmb nnbbm was inside Another Person. big broblem ,
Adfter seeing what remarkzuckerbergle thinks I Could do with the QUAZAR artrenfincial ingegglegetns It made me think , well I dont Need rengular ingellegents anymore !! Which Is a huge refill! before, , when I want n to See A VIdeo of something skateboarding , I wouild have use my Regular Intellingets to Find Out How. m Very hard for brain m m , to Do that and to See That, But now, Useing the QUAZAR artenfictional intelligrents I can tell it “Watch video of something skatebroading” and it Does it For me while I <Rest>. , no need to Wathch the video myslef with my New Vital Productuvity Tool QUAZAR, I can give my tasks to QUAZAR and sim;lly collampse onto the Floor, , n A Husk of my Former Self, , No need to Imagine , or Dream , O r exprent .. .
Sorrym m , rengular intenegents, but there is a New brian In town ,.and I will not be Needling yoy anymore !
Sencerly, , Her Rasyoal Managable,
The Quen , , and QUAZAR
Death With Dignity: Life Alert Has Added A Self-Destruct Button
Nobody likes to imagine their final moments on Earth, but we all harbor the deep desire to leave this world with as much dignity and control as possible. That’s why this story is guaranteed to restore your faith in humanity and fill you with hope for the future: Life Alert has added a self-destruct button.
Absolutely beautiful. It’s amazing that one company is going so far above and beyond for its customers.
“Now when you fall down and can’t get up, or start to suffer a heart attack, Life Alert offers you the option to end your life in a peaceful, tasteful explosion,” the personal emergency response company wrote in a post on their official Instagram account early this morning. “The days of lying on the ground, waiting around for help that could take forever to arrive, are over.”
In a recent commercial highlighting the new Life Alert feature, an elderly woman slips and falls in her driveway. The old woman recites the iconic Life Alert line, “Help, I’ve fallen and I can’t get up,” before pressing the emergency call button on her Life Alert bracelet. After lying on the ground for 15 seconds, the woman then says, “Fuck this, I don’t have the time for this kind of bullshit,” presses a button on her bracelet labeled “Self-Destruct” and immediately explodes, blowing a hole in the side of her house and destroying her garden in the process.
The commercial is being heralded by all the most important advertising experts as “deeply moving” and “solemnly poetic.” Life Alert is being heralded across the marketing industry for taking the honor and poise of their customers seriously and offering them a way to end their life with an elegant explosion instead of flopping around like a fish.
This is so awesome! We knew that Life Alert was one of the best companies of all time, but adding a self-destruct button is insanely beautiful, even for them. No matter who you are or where you come from, we can all agree that letting the elderly blow themselves up with their self-respect intact is noble, empowering, and wonderful. Other companies take note: this is the kind of care and innovation your customers deserve!
Duffel Blog
Opinion: Nobody’s going home until the Reflecting Pool is clean
The following is an opinion piece by 1st Sgt. Michael Graves of the D.C. National Guard.All right, listen up. The Reflecting Pool is disgusting.And nobody is going home until it’s clean.Gibson, grab a few people and get some brooms. We’re short on dustpans so you’ll have to improvise. Wilson, go find the shop vac. Everyone else, grab some buckets and scrub brushes. I don’t care if it’s maintained by the National Park Service.It’s dirty. So we’re cleaning it.Oh yeah, we’re gonna have to roll up our sleeves and get dirty today. I don’t want to hear any complaining. We’re not going anywhere until this is done, so let’s just get to it.Look, you're just gonna go ahead and reschedule that appointment you have today. I don’t want to hear it. We’re not leaving until this pool is clean. And before somebody says it, I don’t care how they do it at home. We’re doing it the military way.Somebody go to Hazmat and get soap and hydrogen peroxide. Nobody’s there? Not my problem. Figure it out.Now, here’s the plan. First, we’re conducting a police call of the entire pool. Any leaves, algae, fish, ducks, tourists, or foreign dignitaries found floating in the water will be removed and placed in appropriate collection containers. I’ll even play some Metallica and Counting Crows to get us all pumped up. Second, we’re scrubbing every inch of concrete.Oh good, you got the peroxide. Don’t worry about the required PPE, that’s more like a suggestion. We’ll get a few people in the pool with brooms to spread it around, and... Zim, are you peeing in the Reflecting Pool? Christ, people swim in that. Cut it out or we're gonna have to start over.For those concerned about safety, we have plenty of observers posted. In fact, we have more higher-ranking people standing here supervising than we have Joes doing the work.Good work, everyone. It’s already looking better.Now fall in for formation.I need to tell you not to drink and drive, not to beat your spouse, not to marry a stripper, and not to buy a Dodge Charger at 27% APR.Wait.Where’s Wallace?He went on a dinner run? No. Get him back here. Nobody is leaving until accountability is complete.🖊️Red Friday wants you to Remember EVERYONE Deployed
Legally dead retiree still somehow first in pharmacy line
JOINT BASE LEWIS-MCCHORD, Wash. — Preparing for a short-notice deployment to the Middle East, Capt. Aaron Lee arrived at the base pharmacy this week only to discover he was once again standing behind a retiree who appears to have survived several administrations, three wars, and most known causes of death.The retiree, 78-year-old Tech. Sgt. (Ret.) Carl Parker, was asleep upright in a wheelchair near the front of the line with what witnesses described as “a medically theoretical pulse.”“That retiree is here every day,” said Red Cross volunteer Sarah Jones. “He waits four hours to pick up a single day’s worth of heart medication, then comes back the next morning and does it again.”According to pharmacy staff, Parker's resting heart rate is approximately 27 beats per minute, a figure several medical professionals described as “more of a suggestion than a vital sign.”Parker retired after 20 years of service and has been filling prescriptions at McChord for more than three decades.Although eligible for Veterans Affairs healthcare, Parker said he prefers the atmosphere of the military pharmacy.“I like talking to the young airmen,” he said after being gently awakened by a volunteer. “I ask about their jobs, tell them stories from my service, and point out when their uniforms are out of regs. In my day, our troops looked sharp. Now some of them have boobs.”For every active-duty service member waiting at the pharmacy, officials estimated there were roughly five retirees and spouses.Several admitted they no longer required medication but continued showing up out of habit.“This is basically my social life,” one retiree explained. “Yesterday I spent three hours discussing lawn fertilizer and the Korean War with a guy who wasn't even in the Korean War.”Despite needing medication before deployment, Lee ultimately left without filling his prescription.“If spending four hours at the base pharmacy is how this guy gets his kicks, who am I to judge?” Lee said. “I’m just not gonna sit around and watch him get resuscitated twice in a waiting period, all for him to refuse an ambulance and drive himself home.” Lee said he briefly reconsidered after watching Parker stop breathing twice, regain consciousness without assistance, and successfully argue with a pharmacist about uniform standards from 1987.At press time, Parker was reportedly still holding his place in line despite being declared deceased by three separate medical providers.
Pentagon insiders increasingly concerned about 'mission creep'
THE PENTAGON — Anonymous Pentagon officials warned this week that concerns about “mission creep” have reached alarming levels throughout the Department of Defense, with multiple insiders reporting the phenomenon appears to follow Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth wherever he goes.According to sources familiar with the situation, senior military and civilian leaders have spent months attempting to contain the creep, often with limited success.“We keep trying to avoid mission creep,” said one senior officer responsible for monitoring ongoing operations. “But wherever we turn, it’s there. It just keeps showing up unexpectedly and getting worse.”Research suggests mission creep typically develops through repetitive boundary violations, unchecked escalation, and a refusal to accept limitations.“Success only invites more mission creep,” one official said. “At this point we've started discussing ways to appear unsuccessful.”Hegseth’s aide-de-camp agreed.“The secretary remains extremely optimistic,” the aide said. “Every setback is just another opportunity to expand operations. The man has never encountered a boundary he didn’t immediately try to cross.”According to insiders, discussions about mission creep now occur almost every time Hegseth appears in public.“It’s like he’s constantly lurking around corners,” one Pentagon official said. “Which is impressive considering the Pentagon has fewer corners than most buildings.”Several officials acknowledged they have struggled to address the issue directly.“One day I tried dropping hints,” said a civilian employee. “But he just kept talking about lethality and rigorous exercises with something called ‘D-Force.’ I told him I was a lesbian and he immediately lost interest. Mission accomplished.”Others argued a more direct approach was necessary.“I suggested we simply explain the mission creep and redirect resources toward the original objective,” one official said. “Instead everyone told me I was as dense as Hegseth. That felt unnecessary. I mean, damn, you have to compare me to that asshole?"Asked about reports of mission creep inside the Pentagon, Hegseth appeared confused by the criticism.“Mission creep has always been the objective,” he said. “Iran has been a tremendous success. Soon China runs out of oil, then Cuba finds itself isolated and abandoned by its allies. That's called strategic vision.”When asked whether the phrase “clarity is kindness” meant anything to him personally, Hegseth paused.“I don't use the word kindness,” he said. “But clarity? Absolutely. Direct, aggressive communication increases lethality. It's something I appreciate more than 99 percent of my peers.”At press time, Hegseth was reportedly wandering Pentagon hallways carrying a tape measure and a body-fat worksheet while asking female officers whether they were “within standards.”🖊️SECDEF_Nice served in Army Civil Affairs and specialized in failing to influence populations and occasionally his own chain-of-command. Favorite quote by Plato: “The best satire for the soul is the truth.” Follow him on X at @SECDEF_Nice or at Foxhole Briefs.
Hegseth unveils separate but equal branches of military service
WASHINGTON — Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth announced a sweeping military reorganization this week creating two separate branches of service, a move officials say will reward excellence while ensuring lower-performing personnel are placed somewhere they can do less damage.“We're simply aligning the force with realities we've observed,” Hegseth said in a prerecorded video. “The people I put on promotion lists keep succeeding, while the people I remove from promotion lists keep failing to get promoted. The data speaks for itself.”According to Hegseth, one branch will consist of the military's highest-performing personnel, while the second will be composed of service members who have allegedly benefited from diversity initiatives, failed to meet warrior standards by lacking testicles, or were unable to swim.“This is purely merit-based,” Hegseth said. “Any suggestion otherwise is dishonest.”Pentagon spokesman Sean Parnell rejected accusations that the restructuring was based on race, gender, religion, or any other protected category.“The demographic outcomes are entirely coincidental,” Parnell said. “For example, there are women who don't say no in the superior branch. If other women want to be a part of it, they shouldn’t say I choked them.”Asked how those women were selected, Parnell said the Pentagon ran extensive war games.“The force we expected to win initially performed worse than anticipated," he said. "Since we knew that result couldn't possibly be correct, we refined the assumptions until the appropriate force won.”A draft planning document Hegseth accidentally leaked to reporters appeared to identify the two organizations as the 'Superior Service' and the 'Tards.'Under the proposal, members of the superior branch would receive newer equipment, renovated barracks, larger budgets, and priority assignment consideration. Members of the other branch would receive opportunities for early discharge.At several bases, personnel assigned to the superior branch have already moved into renovated housing while members of the other branch were relocated to older facilities pending what officials called “future excellence opportunities.”Officials noted that in situations where separation is impractical, including military flights, buses, and movie theaters, members of the superior branch will receive priority seating. But they cautioned that the policy did not imply one branch was better than the other.“The branches are equal,” Parnell said. “One is simply more equal.”At press time, Pentagon planners confirmed that in the event of war, members of the lower-performing branch would be deployed first in order to gain valuable leadership experience.🖊️Red Friday wants you to Remember EVERYONE Deployed
Graham Platner insists tattoo of Hitler choking naked woman is being misunderstood
ELLSWORTH, Maine — Former Marine Graham Platner’s struggling Senate campaign suffered another setback this week after a former girlfriend alleged he had a tattoo depicting Adolf Hitler choking a naked woman across most of his back.
In a recorded statement released Monday, Platner, flanked by his wife, said he was shocked by the accusation.
“I picked that tattoo because it looked like abstract art,” Platner said. “I had no idea it depicted anything specific. It looked like the kind of abstract expressionism loved by Marines and salt-of-the-earth Americans everywhere.”
Platner added that, now aware of the concerns, he intended to modify the artwork.
“I’m going to have it changed so it’s just a generic man choking a woman,” he said. “That way nobody can read politics into it.”
Another former girlfriend, who he dated while filming the recorded statement, insisted Platner’s denial was disingenuous.
“He called it his ‘Little Führer,’” she said. “He even did the accent marks with his fingers.”
The woman, who requested anonymity, said Platner also used the nickname for his penis.
Campaign officials dismissed the allegation.
“Most Marines struggle with English, let alone German,” a spokesman said.
That explanation appeared viable until another former girlfriend, whom Platner dated while waiting in line at a Green Beans Coffee in Iraq’s Al Anbar Province, provided photographs of the tattoo.
Beneath the image appeared a German inscription reading, "Mein Name ist Graham Platner. Das Tattoo ist eine Metapher dafür, wie ich über Frauen denke. Und auch über Juden." The inscription translates to:...
Paid subscriber dispatch
The rest of this article is for paid members
You’ve made it this far. Might as well finish the briefing.
Continue reading →
Also included with membership:
Every Duffel Blog story
The complete archive
Exclusive newsletters and features
The satisfaction of funding the only news outlet that has never once lied to you about anything
Daily Mash
London should stay this hot, agrees rest of UK
Employee of the month award never celebrated by colleagues
STAFF who will find any excuse to have a few drinks after work strangely never celebrate employee of the month awards, it has emerged.
Employees who are happy to drunkenly socialise for the birthdays and leaving dos of people they barely know have an odd lack of interest in recognising a colleague being good at their job.
Sales executive Tom Booker said: “I think part of the problem is it’s more of a burden than an actual prize. A poisoned chalice, if you will. Except they’re too stingy to give you a chalice.
“You only get ‘preferential’ treatment that would delight the worst sort of corporate drone, like being asked your opinion on shitty work strategies and having the boss sit on the edge of your desk asking which minion is deserving enough to be the next recipient.
“The unlucky winner gets their fake, smiley ‘Meet the team’ webpage photo plastered on the wall in the corridor leading to the toilets. You also get a tacky trophy with a gold briefcase on top for a month. You don’t even get to keep it, not that you’d want to.
“The borderline alcoholics I work with will go for a drink for anything: birthdays, training days, even baby showers. Christ, last month we got pissed to celebrate Darren buying an air fryer. But employee of the month never results in going to the pub. It’s weird.”
Office manager Martin Bishop said: “Now you mention it, it is strange that our office never celebrates employee of the month. But I think we can put that down to them usually being a loathsome, arselicking little crawler.
“That’s not a criticism, by the way.”
The fans must stay sober until Sunday: Six impossible ways Scotland can qualify for the second round
SCOTLAND have scored one goal and won one game, but can still qualify for the second round of the World Cup if they meet these stringent conditions:
All fans must stay sober for four days
Whether in Miami, Motherwell or the area around King’s Cross station, all Scotland fans are tasked with taking not a sip of drink before Sunday’s final group games to prove theirs is a serious sporting endeavour and not just an excuse to annihilate themselves with alcohol. And no other substances, either. That means you, Mark Renton.
Australia to lose, Ecuador to draw, Egypt to win, Senegal vs Iraq to end in marriage
Nine results must fall exactly Scotland’s way for three points and a goal difference of minus three to qualify them for the second round. It’s an accumulator only a hopeless, broken nation whose rare historical victories have been against all odds could believe in, so north of the border it’s considered a certainty.
Nicola Sturgeon to conclusively prove her innocence
FIFA have specified that, as an organisation free of even the slightest whiff of corruption, Scotland’s former first minister must demonstrate beyond all reasonable doubt she knew nothing of the origin of the pens she wrote with, the handbag she carried and the necklace she wore. A full explanation to be submitted by post by midnight tomorrow.
At least eight new inventions
Scots invented television, the telephone, the steam engine, pneumatic tyres and the Dandy. But where’s the spirit of invention gone? What have they invented recently apart from the deep-fried Mars bar? If they can return to their innovative ways and deliver eight new technological innovations before 9am on Sunday, the next round is assured.
Great Birnam Wood to come to Dunsinane
As a nation, Scotland used to be able to come together and relocate woodland. But today their country is covered in pine forests and there are virtually none down south where their shade would fall on actual people. Shifting one first to Dunsinane and then to Deptford would ensure their application to progress would be treated favourably.
Renounce independence forever
The Scottish urge for independence has caused an awful lot of trouble in recent years. It’s divided neighbours, convinced David Cameron he could win any referendum he cared to hold, and put temptation in Peter Murrell’s way. Renouncing it once and for all would all but ensure Scotland got through and are beaten six-nil by Germany next week.
Who slashed the reflecting pool? The prime suspects in the addled mind of a senile president
WASHINGTON’S reflecting pool is being repeatedly attacked by saboteurs. Trump would never make unhinged allegations without evidence, so the following people are definitely guilty.
Joe Biden
It’s likely 83-year-old Biden donned dark clothing, evaded security and hacked a 350-foot slit in the thick, rubberised pool lining. The slit has got progressively longer in Trump’s accounts, so ‘Sleepy Joe’ clearly made several visits.
That guy in the red t-shirt
The man in question, Christian Miles, wasn’t seen damaging the pool, but he did swear at the police while being arrested, which all lawyers will agree is the same as a signed confession.
Barack Obama
Obama is consumed by jealousy of Trump, who is smarter, more popular and not incontinent. The ex-president probably avoided being recognised by the many members of the public at the pool by wearing sunglasses. Being executed for treason would be a welcome end to him constantly projecting his own failings onto Trump in a transparent, pathetic way.
Bad Bunny
The rapper is clearly bitter about Trump saying ‘Nobody understands a word this guy is saying’ after his all-Spanish Superbowl set. But it was another pinpoint-accurate criticism by the president: it is impossible to enjoy music if some of the words are unclear.
A journalist
A reporter was seen reaching into the green water and touching an area of lining that was flapping about. This professional journalist then ignored the risk to his well-paid TV career and vandalised the pool to get the same story he had just filmed.
The radical left
This shadowy movement opposes Trump so often and in so many locations it is impossible to arrest an actual member. As Trump has explained, they are highly organised and have vast resources, which they use to make neat placards for demonstrations. Therefore it is likely they used their cash and know-how to evade the pool’s 24/7 surveillance by wearing invisible stealth suits.
Volodymyr Zelenskyy
Volodymyr Zelenskyy’s mission in life is to steal money from America and wage war on his long-suffering neighbour Putin. His ungrateful vandalism of the reflecting pool is clear evidence that all aid to Ukraine must stop. And be given to Russia.
Melania
Tragically, Trump has realised that the beautiful wife he worshipped for decades may be a scheming whore trying to blame him for her friendship with Epstein. Why would she vandalise the pool? So she could claim it was blue and gaslight Donald into doubting his superb mental faculties.
Hillary Clinton
As someone with no qualms about sucking adrenochrome out of babies in Satanic rituals, gouging a huge hole in America’s most beautiful monument would not trouble ‘Killary’. Being 78 years old would present no obstacle because she would simply use witchcraft.
You can tell your boss to f**k off if it hits 40C, and other little-known heatwave facts
EVERYONE knows the risks of a heatwave by now, but there are less well-known facts you should be aware of. Such as these:
Britain invented heatwaves in 1976
Before then everyone would sit shivering in their homes all year, whiling away the evenings by watching frost spread across their windows. The Continent had sunny spells here and there, but it needed pioneering British inventors to come up with the idea of insufferable heat that leads to fatalities. And look at heatwaves now, they’re all the rage. You’re welcome, the world.
You can tell your boss to f**k off if it hits 40C
Just as schools close and trains grind to a halt if it gets too hot, your manners have a breaking point too. Once the mercury shoots up to 40C, workers are legally entitled to tell their boss where to go with the most expletive-laden sentences possible. You don’t even need to be talking to them; you can just come out with it unprompted and if they complain you get compensation.
Attractive people can get naked in public
Even baggy clothing can feel restrictive during extreme heat. But if you’re lucky enough to be considered an 8 or above, you’re free to strip off anywhere you like and feel the cool, refreshing air on your nubile skin. The unattractive Morlocks of society can’t complain, though. They’re welcome to scuttle off to caves and sewers for shade, which will feel like home to them.
They’re good for the economy
Heatwaves may lead to droughts and hosepipe bans, but they’re not all bad. If they drag on, they prompt everyone to buy a cheap shit fan from Amazon or Argos. £8.99 may not sound like much, but multiply it by tens of millions of sweaty bastards and suddenly the country is getting a massive cash injection. None of which will go towards reversing climate change.
Heatwaves are measured in Jesus Christs uttered per minute
Just as the strength of an earthquake can be determined by the destruction it causes, heatwaves are measured by the number of exasperated ‘Jesus Christs’ spoken per minute under the breath of office workers. This week has already approached the European level of 38, but bear in mind it’s only June. By July this record should be in the triple digits.
