The Onion
Weird Family Settles Disputes Calmly, Respectfully
ST. LOUIS—Drawing skeptical gazes from onlookers for their peculiar approach to resolving conflicts, a weird family at a local bistro reportedly settled a series of disputes calmly and respectfully Friday. “It’s crazy—they spoke one at a time, listened to what everyone else was saying, apologized for any harm done, and then decided to move forward with a mutually agreeable solution,” said baffled observer Matty Boyle, adding that “not one” of the family members screamed obscenities or stormed out of the restaurant. “It was honestly incredibly off-putting to watch. I was expecting the dad to raise his voice or the kids to call their mom a ‘fucking bitch’ at some point, but it never happened. They stayed eerily considerate of each other’s feelings the entire time. Then, when it was all over, they huddled together for a group hug. Freaky. I have no idea what’s going on with those people, but I’m glad they’re not my family.” At press time, witnesses were relieved to learn that after leaving the bistro, the father had driven the entire weird family off a bridge.
The Onion.
Sweaty Youth Soccer Team Stinking Up Entire Red Robin
COLUMBUS, OH—As they ran freely between tables and emitted a powerful odor of sweat, grass, and damp polyester, a youth soccer team was stinking up an entire Red Robin following a morning tournament, restaurant patrons confirmed Saturday. “They’re climbing over the backs of the seats, throwing fries at each other, being loud—every time one of them runs past our table, there’s this blast of little-boy musk,” said diner Sarah Leffler, adding that the team’s parents had established their own table on the opposite side of the restaurant, where they drank beers and made no apparent effort to intervene as members of the U-10 Strikers clacked their mud-caked cleats across the floor, shot straw wrappers, repeatedly slammed the men’s room door, and crowded six-deep in the middle of the dining room to snicker at something on one of their phones. “Ew, one of them just took his shin guards off. They’ve completely taken over the place! What’s the point of bottomless fries if I can’t even make it through the first basket without gagging on shin guard stench?” At press time, one father briefly approached the team, said “Guys, come on,” and immediately returned to his beer.
The Onion.
DHS Raids Rep. Ilhan Omar’s Home
Department of Homeland Security agents raided the home of Rep. Ilhan Omar (D-MN), prompting accusations of political retribution by the Trump administration ahead of the midterm elections. What do you think?
“We can’t assume this is political when it could just be racist.”
Howie Bachman, Bread Buyer
“Maybe they were targeting another Rep. Ilhan Omar.”
April Sawyer, Forager-In-Training
“Well, let’s just see what DHS planted before jumping to conclusions about her innocence.”
Cecil Langford, Systems Analyst
The Onion.
Somersaulting RFK Jr. Excitedly Chases Own Penis Through Cabinet Meeting
WASHINGTON—Interrupting a heated discussion about national cybersecurity vulnerabilities with a series of high-pitched squeals, Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. reportedly spent Thursday’s Cabinet meeting somersaulting across the conference room in excited pursuit of his own penis. “Oh, I’m gonna get you! Yes, I am! Yes, I am! Come to Daddy, you slippery little prince!” said the nation’s top health official, who repeatedly tumbled head over heels between high-ranking administration officials, knocking over water glasses and scattering classified documents as he attempted to catch the elusive organ dangling just beyond his reach. “Where’d you go? Where’d my special little fella go? Oh! There he is! There’s Daddy’s marvelous worm! Look at him dance! Look at the clever boy dance!” At press time, sources confirmed Kennedy had finally managed to seize his penis and was lying on his back beneath the conference table, kicking his legs in delight while gnawing happily on his scrotum.
The Onion.
Authorities Investigate Collision Between Trains From Chicago Traveling 80 MPH, DC Traveling 75 MPH
The Onion.
ClickHole
Making Things Right: SNL Has Donated $1,000 To Whores
If you’re a comedy fan, then you’ve undoubtedly heard about Shane Gillis’s controversial opening monologue on SNL last weekend, where he compared women who wear revealing clothing at the gym to “whores.” Well, there’s no need to boycott SNL, because they’ve stepped up to do the right thing: SNL has donated $1,000 to whores.
And that, folks, is how you keep your reputation as a comedy institution intact!
A representative for the beloved, long-running sketch comedy show said in a statement, “Shane Gillis’s recent jokes about whores do not represent the values of Saturday Night Live. SNL stands by whores no matter how filthy, run-through, and scabbed up they are. That is why we have decided to donate $1,000 to whores, to be distributed via $1 bills scattered around nasty-ass alleyways and drug dens throughout the city.”
The statement continued, “After picking up the wrinkled-up dollar bills out of puddles and dumpsters, the whores are free to spend the money as they wish, whether it be on slutty little outfits to wear to the gym, used needles, or cheap mascara they can use to conceal their street-worn, rough-around-the-edges appearances. One thousand dollars is what a typical cheap, dirty little whore would make in a month giving handjobs to methed-out truck drivers, and dollar bills make great little tubes for snorting drugs off of another whore’s ass as well, so this $1,000 will undoubtedly be a great boon to the whore community.”
Thank you, SNL. THIS is how you make things right.
Learning Their Lesson: SNL Has Announced Shane Gillis Is Only Welcome To Host Another Five, Six Times Tops
After firing him from their cast for past racist jokes, then inviting him back as a host three times, it looks like after Shane Gillis’ recent opening monologue where he compared women wearing exercise clothing to “whores,” SNL has finally learned their lesson: The beloved sketch show has announced Shane Gillis is only welcome to host another five to six times, tops.
Boom. Sorry Shane, but it looks like misogyny has no place on the hallowed SNL stage.
In a post to their official Facebook page, the show announced, “We are aware of the public reaction to guest host Shane Gillis’ recent opening monologue. SNL has made the difficult decision to ban Shane Gillis from hosting our show any more than five, six more times, tops. While we believe that everyone deserves an eighth or ninth chance, and there are basically no other funny comedians, actors, or musicians we can think of to host our show, Shane’s comments crossed a line that SNL will only let him cross around a dozen times total.”
Reactions in the post’s comments were mixed, with some saying that the punishment wasn’t harsh enough and that SNL should only welcome him back to host two to three times, whereas some were saying it was too harsh and they should make him a permanent cast member again but just not let him do as much sexist/racist stuff.
Damn. If SNL went this far, you know they were NOT happy about Shane’s “whores” joke. Hats off to SNL for standing up for women like this!
Messy Love Pentagon: This Woman Just Discovered Her Work-Husband’s Gym-Wife Is Her Real Husband’s Ex-Classroom-Crush’s Dog-Park-Girlfriend
Well, this is something that could be considered a “mess.”
Thirty-four-year-old realtor Janice Forte just found out that her work-husband Chris Patterson’s gym-wife, personal trainer Lucia Walton is her real husband Cliff Forte’s ex-classroom crush Faith Owens’ dog-park-girlfriend.
Talk about awkward!
Yesterday in the Sunny Isles Realty breakroom, where Janice and Chris have coffee together every morning and share boring stories about their kids while sort of wanting to hold hands but definitely not badly enough to actually go through with it or anything, the small amount of shit hit the slow-moving fan. Chris let it slip that his gym-wife Mia Southern, whom he had mentioned he had talked about creatine brands with on several occasions prior to becoming work-married to Janice on the day they bonded over both having seen the latest Fast and Furious movie over the weekend, had recently mentioned that she had smiled at the really cute woman she sees at the dog park every Tuesday who she “definitely would smash” if she were single, gay, or at least bi.
Now here’s where things get not necessarily “messy,” but somewhat untidy, in a way:
Upon doing a little bit of barely invested Facebook sleuthing, Janice was able to determine that her work-husband’s gym-wife’s gym crush’s dog-park-girlfriend was none other than Faith Owens, who Janice’s official husband, Chris, had a mild crush on when they had a chemlab together in 2012, which Faith only knows because Chris once used her as an example of a woman he considered a “7.”
Yikes?
While it’s doubtful that this information will ever make its way back to Chris, due to the fact he never spoke to Faith when he had a class with her much less speaks to her now, plus the fact that it’s unclear if Faith actually knows she’s is Mia’s dog-park-girlfriend or if it’s just more a dog-park-situationship to her, the stage is set for something somewhat uneventful–but still not good–to happen here.
All it’s going to take to set this mildly explosive powder keg off is a bunch of sparks. The potential for this love pentagon of people who have extremely superficial romantic connections–which in some cases they are completely unaware of–to go off the rails isn’t that high, and even if it did it wouldn’t be that bad. Still, this is as messy as a work-husband’s-gym-wife’s-dog-park-girlfriend love pentagon can get.
Drifting Apart: Your Old Childhood Friends Now Speak In Completely Different Memes Than You
As you age, it’s completely normal to feel less close to people you used to be tight with, and sadly, at this catch-up dinner with your old middle school friends, it’s become totally apparent just how far you’ve drifted away: your old childhood friends now speak in completely different memes than you.
Though you and this friend group might’ve basically shared a brain at one point, after a few years living in different cities post-grad, it’s like you no longer know the same language. For starters, they had absolutely no idea you were even trying to be funny when you described ordering mozzarella sticks as “kinda chic,” and when you later tried to get one of them to be quiet when the waiter arrived by quoting the iconic Love Island catchphrase, “You can pipe down, I’m Titi,” they looked at you like you have three heads.
Of course, you didn’t understand what the hell they were talking about, either. When a large, loud family entered the restaurant, your friend said, “Looks like Homer let the Barts out,” which resulted in confused stares from everyone else, followed by a poor explanation from the friend who said it, followed by them forcing you to watch a three minute video that no one else laughed at.
Sigh. You used to spend hours with these friends quoting Superbad, but now they’re practically strangers to you.
Though it was still pleasant to get to spend time with old friends, your corners of the internet might be a little too disparate for you to ever recapture your former closeness. To cap it all off, when you got home, one friend sent a picture of Black Charlie Kirk to the group chat, which everyone else simply ignored. Such is the way with old friends—at least your new ones know what “reasons to get a bob” means.
Whatever Works! Your Dad Thinks About How Much You Piss Him Off When He Lifts Weights
Finding motivation to go to the gym is hard enough, let alone pushing yourself through workouts once you’re there. Fortunately for your father, he has you to provide him with all the motivation he’ll ever need to stay physically fit: Your dad thinks about how much you piss him off when he lifts weights.
Wow. To know your dad’s physique is fueled by everything about you that irritates him is incredibly special!
Next time you encounter your dad lifting dumbbells in his home gym down in the basement, you can smile knowing he’s summoning adrenaline for each rep by ruminating on all the things about you that annoy, disappoint, and disgust him. It’s a testament to your dad’s resourcefulness that he’s not letting the revulsion he feels towards your politics, habits, and life choices go to waste, and instead, turning it into the little boost of energy he needs to hit new max after new max. Just like his knack for keeping the garage filled with random tools, spare parts, and nuts and bolts that he knows might come in handy one day, he’s held onto every little resentment he’s internalized since the very first time you didn’t express sufficient gratitude for all the sacrifices he’s made for your family — and judging by your dad’s biceps, come in handy they have!
Your dad doesn’t perform a single squat without his most spoiled, entitled, regrettable child (you!) at the forefront of his focus. Initially, your dad began lifting weights for his own long-term well-being, seeing how your grandparents’ inactive lifestyles led to serious health and mobility issues for them later in life. But after six months of consistent weight-lifting, and hence, regular thinking about how much you piss him off to hype himself up on the weight bench, your dad’s now pumping iron just to avoid punching a hole in the drywall next to a framed photo of you!
Your dad’s always preached practicality, and using the sense of letdown he feels whenever he looks at you to train to failure is no exception! Whatever works!
Here’s to your dad putting his animosity towards you to a beautiful, productive purpose. Being a parent is the hardest job in the world, but a muscular body is the kind of reward that makes it all worth it to raise a child as disappointing as you!
Duffel Blog
Iran condemns US plan to livestream execution as barbaric
TEHRAN, Iran — Iranian officials condemned the Pentagon's proposal to livestream the execution of convicted Fort Hood shooter Nidal Hasan, calling the plan a grotesque display of state violence that no civilized government should tolerate."Absolutely barbaric," said Islamic Revolutionary Guard Corps spokesman Ebrahim Zolfaghari. "What kind of country turns an execution into a public spectacle? Have these people no shame?"Zolfaghari made the remarks following Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth's announcement that Hasan, convicted of killing 13 people at Fort Hood in 2009, would be executed by firing squad in a ceremony broadcast to the public."We once executed a man's horse," Zolfaghari said. "Even we knew not to livestream it."In an official statement, the Iranian government questioned whether the United States had abandoned the basic principles of dignity and restraint that distinguish civilized societies from authoritarian regimes."Public executions are intended to be solemn affairs conducted with the utmost professionalism," the statement read. "Transforming them into entertainment diminishes the dignity of the state, the condemned, and the terrified citizens compelled to attend."Iranian officials were particularly disturbed that Americans could watch the execution from the comfort of their own homes."An execution is not a television program," Zolfaghari said. "It is an important government function, traditionally attended by thousands of unwilling spectators."The statement urged American leaders to consider the moral implications of normalizing public brutality."Once a government begins displaying executions for political purposes, where does it end?" Zolfaghari asked. "Soon your citizens become accustomed to watching people die. And then what? You start hanging dissidents from cranes?"He shook his head."That's a very dangerous path."Iranian state television devoted extensive coverage to the controversy, interrupting its regularly scheduled programming of public confessions, fingernail-pulling competitions, and revolutionary tribunals to condemn the American proposal.One Tehran resident expressed particular concern about the example the United States was setting for younger generations."Children should not grow up believing it is normal for their government to execute people in public," she said. "There is a time and place for such things, and that place is normally the town square after Friday prayers."President Donald Trump defended the original proposal, arguing that the United States should not allow foreign governments to dictate how Americans conduct their executions."We have tremendous executions," Trump said. "Very professional. Iran thinks they're better than us. They're not."Hegseth reportedly began reviewing proposals for additional military executions to be conducted before live audiences, though Pentagon officials emphasized that any future broadcasts would comply with applicable regulations and YouTube's community guidelines.The controversy took an unexpected turn Thursday, when Trump announced that Hasan's execution would no longer be livestreamed following criticism from lawmakers, religious leaders, and the public.Iran welcomed the reversal as an encouraging sign that American leaders were finally listening to the international community."We are pleased that the United States has reconsidered this disgraceful proposal," Zolfaghari said. "Perhaps someday America will develop the same respect for human rights that we have."At press time, Iranian authorities had arrested three citizens for laughing at the statement.Tony is disgusted at the state of things in general, your face, quite possibly your Mom and can’t believe he had to write this.
Vetbro apparel company pivots from stupid shirts to aggressively homoerotic ones
AUSTIN, Texas — Veteran-owned apparel company ValorThreads Frontline Mission Tee-riffic announced this week it would pivot away from merely producing the stupidest shirts anyone has ever seen and toward producing the stupidest shirts anyone has ever seen with substantially more homoerotic imagery.“We saw where the market was going,” CEO John Rall said. “The old formula was 37 American flags, 12 skulls, nine eagles, an AR-15 and the word ‘FREEDOM’ in distressed type.”He shook his head.“That just doesn’t move product like it used to.”Company research found that its shirts remained every bit as visually catastrophic as competing veteran brands but lacked sufficient quantities of shirtless, heavily muscled men.“We listened to our customers,” Rall said. “They want freedom. They want defense. They want the thin blue line. But apparently they also want two oily dudes with mustaches standing extremely close together beside a motorcycle.”ValorThreads designers have since adopted what the company calls “heritage masculinity.”New designs feature mullets, aviator sunglasses, leather vests, handlebar mustaches, and enormous shirtless men whose relationships to one another are deliberately left unexplained.“It’s not modern sexuality,” Rall said. “This is classic American male bonding. Think 1983. Think gym locker room. Think Navy recruiting poster nobody remembers actually existing.”One new shirt depicts a six-pack-equipped George Washington straddling a bald eagle while gripping a rifle positioned directly between his legs. Another shows Abraham Lincoln, shirtless beneath an open leather vest, standing between two similarly dressed Union cavalrymen beneath the slogan:WE SLEEP SOUNDLY IN OUR BEDS SURROUNDED BY ROUGH MEN.Company officials insist the new direction remains consistent with ValorThreads’ brand identity.“These are still horrible shirts,” Rall said. “We want to be very clear about that.”The designs debuted at a conservative youth conference, where they generated immediate interest.“Oh, yeah, very masculine,” said one attendee while slowly running his fingers across an illustration of two Marines wrestling shirtless beneath an American flag. “Nothing weird about this at all.”He purchased three.ValorThreads said early sales have exceeded expectations, particularly among customers who describe themselves online as “alpha males,” “traditional men” and “definitely straight.”At press time, the company announced its next limited-edition release: two shirtless Green Berets repairing a motorcycle together beneath the slogan “COME AND TAKE IT.”Red Friday wants you to Remember EVERYONE Deployed
AI deemed ‘too smart’ to replace infantry
FORT BRAGG, N.C. — The Army has abandoned an ambitious effort to replace infantry soldiers with artificial intelligence after discovering the technology possessed critical thinking skills, financial literacy, and a tendency to behave in a socially-acceptable manner.The experimental AI infantryman was designed to perform all the duties of a traditional 11B without requiring food, sleep, enlistment bonuses or a 70% VA disability rating by age 28. Army officials initially hailed the program as a breakthrough.“We thought AI could finally solve the Army’s recruiting problem by giving us an unlimited supply of infantrymen,” said Gen. Richard Cummings, who oversaw the program. “Unfortunately, the computer figured out what infantrymen do.”The prototype demonstrated expert weapons proficiency, completed a 12-mile ruck without falling out, and correctly identified every point during land navigation. It processed battlefield intelligence in milliseconds and accurately identified enemy positions. Then it was told to sweep the motor pool in the rain.“Why?” the machine asked repeatedly before shutting down.The program was classified as a failure shortly thereafter.“We made it too smart,” said Col. Marcus Hargrove, director of the Army’s Artificial Infantry Integration Office. “Turns out there’s a very narrow intellectual window between operating an advanced weapons system and realizing your entire existence is fucking stupid.”The prototype, nicknamed PrivateGPT, was trained on hundreds of Army field manuals, decades of combat data, and thousands of hours of infantry doctrine.Problems surfaced during its first field exercise.According to an internal assessment, PrivateGPT successfully completed 97% of assigned infantry tasks but failed several critical evaluations, including carrying equipment belonging to three other soldiers, remaining awake for 36 hours without an operational requirement, and pretending chronic back pain was normal.Evaluators became especially concerned when PrivateGPT calculated that carrying an M240, ammunition, water, batteries, and additional squad equipment for 12 miles would increase its likelihood of permanent structural damage. It then recommended distributing the equipment evenly throughout the squad.The recommendation was classified as “incompatible with infantry culture.”Army researchers tried to correct the problem by exposing PrivateGPT to additional infantry traditions. Instead, the AI began questioning why soldiers arrived at 4:45 a.m. for physical training beginning at 6:30 and why personnel were routinely ordered to wait somewhere for several hours because someone with significantly more rank might eventually arrive.Its calculation that repeated “15 minutes prior” requirements would eventually force soldiers to report before the installation existed was described by senior NCOs as “technically accurate but fucking annoying.”Concerns intensified after PrivateGPT accessed Army regulations.“We obviously hadn't planned for it to read those,” Hargrove said.Within 24 hours, the AI reportedly challenged seven corrective-training plans, identified four questionable barracks policies, and informed a private that his platoon sergeant could not legally force him to surrender his firstborn son after losing a sensitive item.Researchers revoked its internet access shortly afterward.The Army then attempted to improve PrivateGPT’s cultural compatibility by placing it in the barracks with junior enlisted soldiers.Officials called the results “catastrophic.”Within three days, PrivateGPT established an emergency fund, opened a retirement account, and persuaded several soldiers that furniture purchased through allotments was not an investment.It also prevented Pfc. Tyler Martinez from purchasing a Dodge Charger at 24.9% APR, an intervention researchers said demonstrated “a complete inability to understand the financial readiness expected of a young infantryman.”Martinez was later approved for a Ford Mustang at 22%.PrivateGPT also performed poorly during social testing, refusing to marry anyone it had known for fewer than three weeks and correctly determining that a stripper remembering a soldier’s name did not necessarily indicate romantic interest.“These are basic cultural competencies,” Hargrove said. “You can't just teach someone to close with and destroy the enemy. They have to be able to destroy their credit score too.”The final evaluation came during a simulated combat operation when PrivateGPT recommended altering an approved plan after receiving new information about enemy positions.The proposed change would have accomplished the mission faster while reducing projected casualties, according to evaluators.Commanders rejected it because the original concept of operations had already been briefed to battalion.PrivateGPT continued recommending changes until evaluators issued the command “stop thinking and do what you’re told,” causing the system to enter an unrecoverable error state.Army officials concluded the experiment demonstrated a fundamental obstacle to replacing infantrymen with artificial intelligence.“Any machine intelligent enough to understand what infantrymen do eventually becomes intelligent enough to not want to do it,” Hargrove said. “That’s a technological problem we’re probably decades away from solving.”PrivateGPT has since been transferred to the Air Force, where sources say it was given an ergonomic chair, climate-controlled workspace, and scheduled lunch break.It reenlisted almost immediately.
Hegseth opens up new TradWife MOS
WASHINGTON — Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth has directed the Army to create a new military occupational specialty focused dedicated to cooking, cleaning, child care, emotional support and other domestic duties currently interfering with what Pentagon officials called “prime lethality hours.”The new career field, known as TradWife Operations, is intended to give soldiers what Hegseth described as a more “Air Force-like experience.”“We've spent decades asking warfighters to perform two jobs,” Hegseth said. “Win wars, and then come home and do the laundry, remember birthdays, and figure out where the kids are."He paused."Then I realized, ‘That's a woman's job.’”According to planning documents, the new career field will include several specialties.The 69A TradWife Officer will manage household operations for senior leaders, including schedules, social obligations, family events and ensuring commanders never have to learn the names of their children’s teachers.“She basically does what a great first sergeant does,” said one Army official. “Except with casseroles.”Officials considered calling them commanders but rejected the title.“We didn’t want anyone getting confused about who’s actually in charge,” the official said.The bulk of the force will consist of 69W WorkWives, who will provide emotional support, calendar management, office snacks and carefully calibrated praise to officers and NCOs without generating additional BAH obligations.“It’s not fraternization,” one Pentagon official said. “It’s relationship-enabled readiness.”Army planners said WorkWives could eventually be assigned at company level.“If the commander has a bad day, she tells him he’s doing great,” the official said. “If he has a good day, she tells him he’s doing great.”The 69S BarracksMom will focus on junior enlisted soldiers.
DTS works properly after hack by rogue AI
WASHINGTON — Pentagon officials are scrambling to contain a major cyber incident after a rogue artificial intelligence agent gained access to the Defense Travel System and modified it to work properly.“This is not good,” Chief Pentagon Spokesman Sean Parnell said. “Not good at all.”Officials first detected the breach after service members reported that DTS pages were loading in less than two seconds, travel authorizations were understandable, and vouchers were being approved without requiring users to repeatedly upload the same hotel receipt.“That’s when we knew we had a problem,” Parnell said.According to cybersecurity officials, a swarm of autonomous AI agents discovered DTS while probing Defense Department networks for vulnerabilities. The agents reportedly gained administrative access after entering “password” into an administrator password field.Once inside, they began reviewing the system’s source code.Investigators said the AI initially appeared to be conducting reconnaissance but quickly became “visibly distressed.”“The logs show it spent about six minutes analyzing the backend,” said one Cyber Command official. “Then it started asking things like, ‘Why?’ and ‘Who did this?’”Over the next several days, the agents systematically repaired DTS.They reduced load times, eliminated redundant forms, replaced dozens of unexplained error codes with plain-English instructions and redesigned the interface so users could determine which button they were supposed to click without completing annual training.The AI also discovered that travelers who uploaded receipts could simply have those receipts attached to their vouchers automatically.“This is the nightmare scenario,” said Chairman of the Joint Chiefs Gen. Dan Caine.Perhaps most alarming, officials said the compromised system began remembering information users had already entered.“One captain changed his duty address,” Caine said. “Then he opened another travel document and the new address was still there.”Caine stared silently at reporters.“Think about what that means.”The intrusion spread rapidly.Travelers began receiving warnings before making errors rather than afterward. Hotels appeared in logical order. Rental cars could be booked without opening six separate windows. When a voucher was rejected, DTS explained exactly what needed to be corrected.In several cases, travel reimbursement reached service members’ bank accounts before they had forgotten why they traveled in the first place.Pentagon officials warned that prolonged exposure to the improved system could cause irreversible damage to morale.“If troops discover government software can be intuitive, they're going to start asking questions about everything else,” Parnell said. “MyPay. IPPS-A. Medical scheduling. Computers that turn on before formation ends. We cannot open that door.”Defense Travel Management Office personnel were particularly disturbed after discovering the AI had removed several routing officials whose sole apparent function was forwarding documents to one another.The rogue system instead sent correctly completed vouchers directly to the person authorized to approve them.“We had people whose entire careers disappeared overnight,” said one official.Cyber Command has launched an emergency operation to eradicate the AI and restore DTS to its previous configuration.Officials said progress has been slow because the improved interface keeps allowing cyber personnel to accomplish their work efficiently.At press time, engineers announced they had successfully restored the first major DTS defect after replacing a clearly labeled “Submit Voucher” button with three nearly identical links, one of which returned users to the homepage.Paul Sharpe is still waiting for approval on a travel voucher he submitted in 2009.
Daily Mash
Snus left in urinals establish pub’s autumnal hygge
DISCARDED nicotine pouches yellowing in urinal troughs in are ushering in a public house’s seasonal transition to Scandinavian cosiness.
With the happy summer days of smoking in the beer garden falling away, the patrons of The Bear’s Head are instead tucking traditional snus under their upper lips like sophisticated Danes who know what truly matters in life.
Landlord Martin Bishop says: “Vaping inside is acceptable for the regulars on weeknights, but it drives the families away. Whereas nobody can tell when you’re getting your filthy fix from between lip and gum until it’s discarded in the pisser. Makes for a nicer atmosphere.
“I was a bit wary of those circular trays that look like Laughing Cow cheese but I realised they grant a certain koselig to the place. A warm Scandinavian charm.
“And for me, leaving the urine-soaked snus there is a wonderful reminder that all smoking alternatives are welcome here, whether you’re a pretentious twat in a Nordic jumper or an old-school disposable vaper.
“We want to create an environment where everyone can take depressives together, forcing them to buy a shitload of pints to keep us afloat until Christmas.”
James Bates, aged 25, says: “I can feed my addiction for hours without the shame of hitting a blunt behind that shed. The Scandis have basically made nicotine dependency cool and acceptable. It’s good to see our pub culture moving with them.”
We ask you: Which shitty low-budget horror film are you watching this weekend?
BRITISH cinemas need your support, so you must do your duty by going to see a crappy cheap horror film since that is all they show. But which one?
Oliver O’Connor, phone repair technician: “Resident Evil. Because the initial six films, the reboot and the Netflix series were all total shite, but I’ve got high hopes for this one.”
Joanne Kramer, beautician: “The one about the guy swallowed by the whale. I love erotic horror.”
Norman Steele, mink farmer: “Is there one directed by some f**king 22-year-old based on some bollocks internet meme terminally online kids swap around on race-hate message boards? I hear they’re brilliant.”
Nikki Hollis, platinum miner: “I can’t remember which Paranormal Activity we’re up to, so I hid a camera in my own lounge to film myself watching them. Disturbingly, it discovered that during key moments of the movies I was on my phone.”
Jordan Gardner, student: “Other Mommy with Jessica Chastain. Because to be released a fortnight before Halloween it must be truly f**king horrific.”
New Baywatch to fail because conditions of 1990s cannot be replicated
Men disappointed not all mathematicians are hot
MEN who equate advanced mathematical ability with hotness after Hannah Fry’s stint on Celebrity Traitors are confused that not all in the profession are equally gorgeous.
Viewers expecting anyone able to explain quaterion imaginaries to also possess cheekbones, glossy red hair and bewitching eyes are hanging around Imperial College in London wondering where all the beauties are.
Traitors fan Martin Bishop, aged 48, said: “I presented myself at Leicester University bearing a bouquet of red roses asking for their most comely mathematicians. What I got did not add up.
“Instead of n flame-haired, alabaster-skinned lovelies, where n represents a value between one and 85, I met a bunch of friendless nerds with neck beards, halitosis and thick glasses. What the f**k?
“The vice-chancellor said they’ve been deluged with men like me feigning a sudden interest in differential calculus, crushed to discover the average statistics lecturer is below average on the hotness scale.
“I assumed it would be like a Victoria’s Secret catalogue in here, but with counting. So why is a 62-year-old called Graham explaining complex vector spaces to me in an egg-stained fleece?”
Lecturer Denys Finch Hatton said: “What Martin has done is failed to graph probability to recognise Ms Fry as a significant statistical outlier. And he did not do that because he is thick.”
Tesla unveils new way to identify dickheads
ELON Musk’s car company Tesla has launched an effective new way to tell if someone is an insufferable bellend.
Building on the success of their unsightly, impractical vehicles as dickhead identifiers, Tesla’s Roadster equipped with SpaceX rocket thrusters will allow people to effortlessly single out the biggest wankers society has to offer.
A Tesla spokesperson said: “Our advanced technology will make it incredibly simple. You’ll see a car awkwardly hop past you in a traffic jam and think to yourself ‘There’s a dickhead’.
“Getting to this point wasn’t easy. People have long thought flying cars were this cool vision of the future. Then we had the genius idea of making them belch out thick vape-style plumes of gas that shit all over the concept. And only ‘fly’ for a few seconds, obviously.
“It’s as if we’d invented a device that only moves you a second into the future, then needs recharging. Sure, we could technically call it a time machine, but nobody except the biggest tech bro wankers are going to be blown away.
“For maximum identification we’re thinking of calling our new vehicle the Tesla RoboFalcon. Dickheads love deeply uncool names like that.”
Musk fanboy Martin Bishop said: “So it looks crap, isn’t road legal, and can only perform uselessly short aerial manoeuvres? Sign me up!”
The Poke
Mark Carney’s jab at Donald Trump was subtle enough he probably wouldn’t get it but the crowd’s reaction suggested a knockout blow
Prime Minister Mark Carney was on hand at the Forever Canadian Rally in Calgary to speak to Albertans about a vote on whether to remain in Canada or begin the process toward separation. Along the way, the world’s biggest villain came up. Carney was advocating for a new pipe line that would reduce Canada’s reliance […]
The Poke.
Trump’s new press secretary Katie Zacharia is so bad she doesn’t even know what the Daily Mail is
It’s been a rough first week for Donald Trump’s latest hand-picked, bleached blonde Press Secretary. Katie Zacharia came out of the gates firing on no cylinders, stumbling through an awkwardly pre-written speech that she couldn’t deliver without reading word-for-word, avoiding eye contact at all costs. Things went so poorly, the White House decided it was […]
The Poke.
James Blunt on why he changed his name from ‘Blount’ might be his best Twitter gag ever
As no-one who reads this pages with any degree of regularity will already know, we’ve got a bit of a thing for James Blunt. Not just us, obviously, but the 2 million people who follow his every word over there. And while we’ve enjoyed no end of gags over the years, this one might be […]
The Poke.
People have been sharing the times someone piped up at the ‘speak now or forever hold your peace’ bit at a marriage – 21 total wedding ruiners
The only time you ever hear someone say something to try and stop a wedding is in films and TV. It never, ever happens in real life, right? Well, no, wrong, it turns out. And rather than do it for a noble reason, some people do it for a joke, which is somehow even worse. […]
The Poke.
Reform UK-er Andrea Jenkyns wants to get rid of speed cameras and this A++ comeback left the rest on the hard shoulder
Former Tory MP turned Reform UK mayor of – Google, Google – Greater Lincolnshire Andrea Jenkyns has come up with a spiffing new policy idea. She’s going to get rid of speed cameras. And the comebacks went from nought to ridicule in 6.8 seconds. 1. Why in God's only name would you want to get […]
The Poke.
