The Onion
Trump Unwittingly Breaks Chinese Taboo Against Napping Facedown In Soup Bowl
The Onion.
What To Know About ‘Off Campus’
Off Campus, a TV adaptation of the bestselling hockey romance book series, is now streaming. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the show.
Q: What is it about?
A: An “opposites attract” relationship between two college students who are different kinds of hot.
Q: Where is it set?
A: Confusingly, on campus.
Q: Is this like Heated Rivalry ?
A: No, there’s hockey in this one.
Q: Are there any cameos?
A: Yes! There’s a red-hot sex scene with Wayne Gretzky.
Q: Why is Amazon producing all of these book adaptations?
A: They still feel bad about putting Borders out of business.
Q: Is it good?
A: It’s eight times you don’t have to decide what to watch.
The Onion.
Man Horrified To Find Self Seeking Community Online
FORT WAYNE, IN—Upon realizing his most meaningful social interactions now took place among people he had never actually encountered in the flesh, local man Andrew Riley confided to reporters Wednesday that he was horrified to find himself seeking community online.
Riley, a 33-year-old account manager who last summer joined an internet forum for wristwatch enthusiasts, expressed terror and disgust as he spoke of how he had apparently reached a point where he derived a greater sense of belonging from a message board than he did from anything else in his life. The time he spent on the forum had become, he acknowledged, the best part of his day.
“Jesus Christ, these are the people I now feel most connected to—random people I’ve never met in real life and probably never will,” said a visibly distressed Riley, who rubbed his temples as he described how his only meaningful bonds with other human beings currently stemmed from his exchanges with a group of self-proclaimed “watch nerds” on the internet. “I don’t even understand how it happened. Six months ago, I went online to ask a quick question about a problem I was having with my Timex. Fast-forward to the present, and I’m one of the top commenters on the r/watches subreddit.”
“Do you know how often you have to comment for that to happen?” he added. “Way too much.”
According to Riley, an event this week brought home just how dependent he had become on the internet watch community for even the most basic forms of social camaraderie. After receiving a long-sought promotion at work, he suddenly realized that the people he most looked forward to sharing the good news with weren’t people he had actual face-to-face relationships with—they were timepiece connoisseurs fond of uploading wrist shots to Instagram.
Riley said he was alarmed and appalled by this new awareness of how little genuine human contact he had in his life. He now felt revulsion toward his web browser’s 20 open tabs featuring watch-related sites. He was disturbed when he recalled how he had recently skipped drinks with his coworkers because he wanted to finish a 600-word post about the best vintage Seiko watches from the 1990s. And he was deeply unnerved when he thought about the time he arrived 30 minutes late to an intramural softball game because he was participating in a lengthy thread about which mechanisms were ideal for producing a smooth sweep of the second hand.
“It’s gotten to the point where members of the watch forum are the only people I really talk to—not just about watches, but about anything—and that can’t be good,” said Riley, wincing as he admitted that the person he felt closest to in life was a frequent poster with the username JackSkellington1985, someone whose real name he had never learned. “These people, most of whom I only know by their cartoon avatars and wouldn’t recognize if I passed on the street, are the nearest thing I have to friends in this world, which is really fucked up.”
“The fact that I’m quietly hoping to meet a long-term partner on here is almost more than I can bear,” he continued.
Riley’s face then lit up upon receiving a notification on his phone, and he reportedly spent the next three hours exchanging takes with his fellow watch forum users about whether Omega was releasing too many limited editions these days.
The Onion.
The Onion’s Exclusive Interview With JD Vance
Thanks to his swift rise from first-term Ohio senator to next-in-line for the presidency, JD Vance is thought by many to represent the vanguard of the Republican Party. The Onion sat down with the vice president to discuss his views on faith, the Trump administration’s goals, and his future ambitions.
The Onion: Mr. Vice President, thank you for joining us. How would you say your personal beliefs have evolved over the years?Vance: They haven’t. I’ve just gotten better at ignoring them.
In that case, how do you navigate disagreements with the president?By agreeing.
Turning to faith—you’re a practicing Catholic and your wife, Usha, is Hindu. How do you navigate an interfaith relationship?Communication is key. For example, I’ll tell a crowd of 10,000 people I hope she finds Christ, and she’ll tell me if I ever do that again she’s publicly converting to Islam.
Is it difficult to reconcile your embrace of Christian nationalist ideas with your wife’s religion?I’m sorry, but that’s between me and my property.
What’s your biggest regret?Marrying for love.
What do you say to critics who claim you’re a political chameleon with no genuine sense of personal identity?That’s ridiculous. I am and always have been a member of the Deep-South-Midwest-coastal-working-class elite.
On matters of immigration, what would constitute a success for the Trump administration’s deportation policy?I would say that, by the end of 2026, there should be no people living in America.
What inspired you to join the U.S. Marine Corps?I knew that with my soft jawline, I’d need to do everything in my power to present as masculine.
Do you have any new books in the works?I stopped trying to appeal to people who read in 2019.
Can we expect a Vance 2028 presidential campaign?Not exactly. I will run, but I’ll have taken Erika Kirk’s last name by then.
What will you do to appeal to independent voters in future elections?Undergo the craziest buccal fat removal you’ve seen in your life.
What’s the best piece of advice Donald Trump has given you?Always bury your first wife on a golf course.
Is there anything you want to say to any fans who are reading?I will betray you, and because I have nothing going on inside my head, your hatred of me will mean nothing.
The Onion.
Dad Demands Youth Coach Play Unathletic Son Less
UKIAH, CA—Calling the blatant display of favoritism unfair to both his child and the other players on the field, local father David McKenzie reportedly stormed over to the sidelines of an ongoing youth soccer game Saturday afternoon to demand that the coach play his unathletic son less. “Josh has been on the field for 20 minutes straight now—get him out of there, he’s fucking terrible,” McKenzie said of the frail, uncoordinated 9-year-old, adding that he wasn’t paying $350 per season for his son to start every game, and emphasizing that the boy did not deserve an opportunity to show what he can do. “I hate to be one of those overbearing soccer dads, but Josh totally sucks. He’s an indoor kid. He should be riding the bench, where he can’t mess anything up. Get that Brendan kid in there instead, for God’s sake. You hear that, Brendan? You’re up.” At press time, sources told reporters that McKenzie had turned his attention to the referee, demanding that he give his son a red card and boot him from the game.
The Onion.
ClickHole
Another Trip To The Mall Ruined: Dad Just Clearly Came In His Khakis Seconds After Walking Into Spencer’s Gifts
When it comes to finding new ways to ruin trips to the mall, Dad’s no slouch.
There was the time he made the manager of Auntie Anne’s cry because the salt on his jumbo pretzel wasn’t “evenly distributed.”
There was the time he tackled an 11-year-old boy in Hot Topic because he thought he saw him shoplifting a pair of Nightmare Before Christmas socks.
And now there’s this: Dad just clearly came in his khakis seconds after walking into Spencer’s Gifts.
Ugh. And here we thought this was going to be a pleasant trip to the mall.
Despite being a 52-year-old man who undoubtedly has been exposed to plenty of actual pornography and recently binge watched Euphoria, Dad apparently just couldn’t keep his seed inside his nutsack when he walked past a rack of raunchy novelties like inflatable dick crowns and coffee mugs with boobs on them. The evidence of his unfortunate and embarrassing accident was immediately on display as the front of his khaki pants became drenched with a large dark stain as he attempted to muffle an extended groan of pleasure by covering his mouth, his eyes locked on a display rack of vagina-shaped hand puppets.
Adding to the devastating embarrassment of the scene, a Spencer’s employee made a beeline to Dad and sternly told him, “You aren’t supposed to be in here,” implying this wasn’t Dad’s first cumming-in-his-pants-in-Spencer’s-Gifts rodeo.
But the final nail in the ruining-our-Sunday-trip-to-the-mall-coffin?
Dad reached down and attempted to seal the bottoms of the legs of his pants with his hands so no cum would run down his shoe as he made his way out of the store, only to walk smack dab into a “Pin the Junk on the Hunk” poster game, which caused yet another khaki-ruining accident.
Ugh, Dad. No.
We really should have known better than to let Dad wander into Spencer’s, but of course he claimed he just wanted to look at the lava lamps. Sure you did, Dad. Way to ruin another trip to the mall, not to mention scar us for life. Lesson learned.
‘I Come Bearing Gifts’: President Trump Kicked Off His Trip To China By Gifting President Xi Jinping A Copy Of Lena Dunham’s ‘Famesick’ That He Personally Translated To Mandarin
Trump’s Beijing visit this week is clouded by geopolitical tensions between the US and China, but that’s not stopping POTUS from making the ultimate diplomatic gesture: President Trump kicked off his trip to China by gifting President Xi Jinping a copy of Lena Dunham’s Famesick that he personally translated to Mandarin.
Say what you will about Trump, there’s no denying that’s a thoughtful gift!
President Trump wasted no time setting the tone of his state visit to China, greeting President Xi Jinping with a hard-cover edition of Lena Dunham’s memoir Famesick, which Trump spent the last month painstakingly translating to Mandarin by typing the entire autobiography into Google Translate, and then transferring the results into the book with a Sharpie marker. As China’s leader leafed through Lena Dunham’s candid descriptions of the struggles with chronic illness she dealt with during her rise to fame for writing and starring in HBO’s Girls – occasionally stopping to squint at unfamiliar Chinese characters Trump had written, including one used for ‘Hillary Clinton’ that was allegedly just a frowny face in a rice hat – Trump explained the book as a symbol of goodwill towards American-Chinese trade relations.
“This is the most important book in my country – what Quotations From Chairman Mao is to China, Famesick is to the United States, and it’s written by someone not so different from you and I and Mr. Mao, Mr. Xi,” Trump whispered in Xi’s ear. “Her name is Leno Dunham, and she’s one of the worst treated ladies of all time, all because people are jealous of an incredible deal she made with HBO when she was 23 years old. It was one of the best deals ever made, and she got it done even though she had to deal with Jenni Konner and a total lemon of a uterus the whole time. Oh, and her boyfriend ‘Jack Off’-something was in love with a foreign little girl who didn’t even have a name. None of it mattered. Leno got it done.”
“Mr. Xi, it’s obvious that Ms. Leno’s story is a metaphor for America and China: ignoring problems like the war in Iran (Adam Driver) and Taiwan (chronic illness), to become rich (Girls). And let me tell you, her story is even better in Mandarin. I cancelled so many important meetings to translate this for you. The Fake News Media thinks my discolored, scabby hands are from some terminal illness, when it’s actually from translating Famesick to Mandarin for you with a Sharpie. It caused permanent damage to nerves in my fingers. I was screaming in pain the whole time. Your language is genuinely insane. Anyway, let’s get China importing more American goods, okay?”
President Xi simply nodded, handed Famesick to an assistant, then guided Trump to a private room for a one-on-one meeting.
Wow. Considering how high the stakes are for Trump’s talks with Xi, it’s relieving to see that Trump opened things up with such a friendly offering! Personally translating Lena Dunham’s chronicle of fame, addiction, and personal health for Xi Jinping is a classy move, and hopefully a sign that China and the U.S. can start seeing each other as allies instead of enemies!
Damage Control: The Cruise Ship Industry Just Issued A Press Release Explaining That Contracting Hantavirus Is ‘Only Like The 32nd Worst Thing That Can Happen To You On A Cruise’
With the recent cases of hantavirus spreading onboard the MV Hondius cruise ship, you may be rethinking booking yourself a vacation aboard a similar vessel. Well, looks like the cruise ship industry has a message for people like you: They’ve just issued a press release explaining that contracting hantavirus is, “only, like, the 32nd worst thing that can happen to you on a cruise.”
Dang, if that’s true, guess if you plan on going on a cruise, you have worse things to worry about than a potentially fatal virus spread by rodent waste!
The press release released this morning by Cruise Lines International Association explained, “Following the hantavirus outbreak aboard the MV Honduras, we would like to reassure cruisegoers that contracting hantavirus is only, like, the 32nd worst thing that can happen to you on a cruise. From tainted seafood buffets, shipwide toilet malfunctions, elderly German nudists, bloody mary diarrhea, hirsute horny weirdos who won’t leave you alone, bad Jimmy Buffet cover bands, and all sorts of other high seas bullshit, we can think of many occurrences that could cause you to suffer severe distress during the course of a cruise trip. We encourage everyone who isn’t concerned with all of those things to chill out over the whole hantavirus situation. There are at least 31 worse possibilities to worry about, if not more.”
Well, those all undoubtedly all seem like great points!
Hopefully this message from the cruise ship industry helps put your mind at ease about booking a cruise by helping you realize that the hantavirus is only one of the many, many horrible things about spending weeks at sea on a huge vessel packed with thousands of drunk strangers. It’s great that they helped put this in perspective!
5 Ways You Can Discreetly Celebrate Someone’s Birthday Without Them Knowing
Sometimes a friend or relative has a birthday, but you’re embarrassed to celebrate in a way that they will find out about. Fortunately, there are some awesome and creative ways to celebrate someone’s birthday discreetly without them ever knowing. Here are five ways it can be done!
1. Whisper The Words “Happy Birthday” To A Chicken And Then Kill The Chicken
One of the most beautiful things about chickens is that they are unable to speak because they evolved wrong. This means that anything you say to a chicken remains a secret forever. If you want to wish a friend a happy birthday without them ever knowing, you should whisper their birthday greetings into the ear of a chicken. Even if the chicken wants to tell the friend, it will be unable to. However, there is always the chance that chickens will evolve the ability to speak at a moment’s notice, so you must also kill the chicken to make sure the birthday wishes remain a secret forever.
2. Decide That A Cake From The Past As Their Birthday Cake
If you give your birthday-having friend a birthday cake, they’re going to know that you’re wishing them a happy birthday, which would be a disaster and the end of your world. That’s why a great way to wish your friend a happy birthday in secret is to look at a photograph of a birthday cake from 100 years ago and say, “That’s the birthday cake for my friend, whose birthday is today.” This way, you can get your friend a cake that is so far away in time and space that they will never be able to eat it or even know about it.
3. Run Over A Piñata While They’re Sleeping
Piñatas are a type of donkey you destroy to make birthdays amazing. When your birthday-having friend falls asleep, drive into the woods and run over a piñata with your car. In this way, you will mark the splendid occasion of your friend’s birthday while they are dreaming someplace far away.
4. Give Them A Gun And Never Tell Them Why
For thousands of years, several people have mentioned that gifts are a part of birthdays. Many times, guns are gifts. For this reason, give your friend a gun on their birthday. However, if your friend asks, “Why did you give me a gun?” you must simply say, “I do not have to explain myself to you.” In this way, you have honored your friend’s birthday without them understanding why they now own a gun.
5. Wait Until They Are Dead And Then Blow One Of Those Party Noise Things
The party noise things are a kind of beautiful musical instrument that does the thing where it unrolls and gets longer when you blow into it. It also makes a loud noise. People blow these things on people’s birthdays to make them smile and clap. However, if you blow one of these near your friend on their birthday, they will know that you are doing it to celebrate their birthday and they will smile and clap like a person having a public birthday. But your friend must never know that you are celebrating their birthday or else your life will become horrible. As a result, the thing to do is wait until your friend is finally dead and then give one of those party noise things one big honk. In this way, your friend’s birthday has been honked about, but they have passed into a realm where they are unable to ever know about. This place is known as the Realm Of The Dead, and we are all going to be there soon enough. Happy birthday to your friend.
Bridging The Digital Divide: When Microsoft Donated Tablets To The Kids Of This Kenyan Village, They Became The Most Toxic ‘Pitt’ Fans Online Within Days
In developing nations, millions of children have little to no experience with digital technology compared to kids in wealthier countries. One tech giant just proved that access is all it takes to level the playing field: When Microsoft donated tablets to the kids of this Kenyan village, they became the most toxic fans of The Pitt online within days.
How cool is this? With equal opportunities, the world’s poorest children are capable of projecting their own neuroses onto HBO’s hit medical drama even more irrationally than American Pitt fans!
Last month, the children of Lolupe, one of the poorest villages in all of Kenya, received 30 Surface tablets from Microsoft as part of a philanthropic company initiative. These kids had never seen a tablet before, and yet, after just four days with the new technology, Lolupe’s youth had figured out how to not only operate the devices, but binge watch The Pitt and then histrionically plague star and executive producer Noah Wyle with complaints about the way his character was sometimes short with other characters. In no time at all, these Kenyan children were going viral with louder, angrier, and even less coherent whining over The Pitt’s creative decisions at a pace far more impressive than their privileged global peers.
“If you said ‘Ding Dong Mohan’s Gone’ around these kids earlier this year, they would have no idea who you were talking about – today, saying ‘Ding Dong Mohan’s Gone’ in Lolupe could spark a region-destabilizing war,” said Kate Behnken, head of Microsoft Philanthropies, who personally witnessed a six-year-old in Lolupe attempt to doxx Noah Wyle on her Surface tablet.
“The way these kids have taught themselves to react to an actor’s departure from The Pitt by perpetuating false accusations of bigotry against that actor’s co-workers is nothing short of amazing. They’re innovating entirely new ways to not understand how fiction works and pathologically hold other people’s art accountable for their own debilitating moral scrupulosity. You’d think these Kenyan children were Internet veterans.”
This is how you bridge the digital divide! Well done, Microsoft!
It’s so cool to see that with access to the same resources as kids in the Western world, children who grow up in poverty can weaponize their own mental illness and sheltered views to steer The Pitt discourse in the most toxic direction possible. Microsoft, you rule for this one!
Duffel Blog
Pope announces Trump in custody after stunning Vatican raid
VATICAN CITY — The Vatican confirmed today that President Donald Trump is in custody following an overnight operation conducted by the Vatican Special Operations Command, or VATSOC.In a brief address from St. Peter’s Square, Pope Leo said the action followed “a period of escalating spiritual and temporal disagreements” culminating in what Vatican officials described as “a meme event of unacceptable magnitude.”Church officials said the authority for such an operation dates back to Pope Gregory VII in the 11th century, when the papacy asserted supremacy over Christian rulers. Vatican representatives acknowledged the Holy See has never exercised authority over the United States, though officials argued recent political developments had “complicated the distinction.”“John Adams signed the Treaty of Tripoli in 1797 affirming the United States was not founded as a Christian nation,” said Vatican public affairs cleric Giovanni Bardelli. “However, with President Trump increasingly governing as a monarch and Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth walking around with a ‘Deus Vult’ tattoo, we have reevaluated America’s status accordingly.”“With this new political relationship, we have been patient,” Pope Leo said before pausing to cough dramatically. “But at a certain point, one cannot simply scroll past blasphemy.”According to Vatican sources, the operation began shortly after midnight when black-clad priests fast-roped from an unmarked cross-shaped helicopter onto White House grounds while reciting Latin prayers “for divine protection and dramatic effect.”Witnesses described the unit as moving with “disturbing efficiency,” reportedly subduing Secret Service personnel using what one official called “nonlethal sacramentals.”“They hit the ground, crossed themselves, and immediately went to work,” said one White House aide. “It was like watching Van Helsing, except everybody just ended up zip-tied.”The raid followed weeks of public friction between Trump and Vatican leadership after the president shared AI-generated images depicting himself as a divine figure.“People are saying it,” Trump reportedly told aides before his capture. “Maybe I’m not God, but something very close. Possibly a high-level angel like Raphael or Megatron — Megalodon — Metatron. One of the important ones.”“Once a head of state starts improvising divine status, we have procedures,” said one senior cleric familiar with the operation. “We cannot let a monarch compare himself to Megatron — I mean Metatron — and simply move on.”Trump is expected to face a traditional ecclesiastical proceeding, though officials declined to clarify whether that would include a formal trial or “something more medieval, depending on scheduling and the availability of pay-per-view funding.”
In a prerecorded message released after the raid, Trump appeared calm.“They came in very fast, very quiet, very respectful,” he said. “Strong people. Very strong. Like Equilibrium. Nobody’s ever seen anything like it.”At press time, Vatican officials confirmed Trump was being held at an undisclosed location while church authorities determined whether proceedings would follow Old Testament or New Testament guidelines.🖊️SECDEF_Nice served in Army Civil Affairs and specialized in failing to influence populations and occasionally his own chain-of-command. Favorite quote by Plato: “The best satire for the soul is the truth.” Follow him on X at @SECDEF_Nice or at Foxhole Briefs.
ICE agents bond over stories of why they were kicked out of the military
MINNEAPOLIS — Agents with U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement spent a recent lunch break sharing stories about how they were removed from military service, in what participants described as “a team-building exercise.”“I got caught putting a camera in the women’s shower,” said one masked agent, prompting a chorus of “That’s good shit” and “Hell yeah, brother.”“I was in the Navy,” another agent said. “I was on the no-carry list for two years before they discharged me for a personality disorder. All I did was keep a fire axe and a hit list under my mattress. I still qualified when they let me shoot, though, because I imagined the targets were people on the ship.”One agent, who had been nodding along, said he never made it past initial screening.“I almost joined, but I got disqualified at MEPS,” he said. “They told me with the number of psychos in the military, getting caught there is actually kind of impressive. Probably for the best. I would’ve punched the drill instructor the second they got in my face.”After taking a few minutes to arrest the people serving them food, the agents continued on with their stories.“I got in trouble for bringing fireworks to the range,” another agent said.“That’s sick,” a colleague replied, and the two bumped fists in agreement.“Meth,” he said, drawing nods from others. After a pause, he added, “No, I mean, does anyone want to smoke some?”Officials did not respond to requests for comment on the gathering, though sources said similar conversations are “common across field offices.”At press time, several agents were seen behind the restaurant repeating “the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” to each other while laughing.🖊️Red Friday wants you to Remember EVERYONE Deployed
Opinion: War with Iran distracts from coming war against lizard people
The following is an opinion piece by former Army Capt. Jenson Briggs.As a former military intelligence officer, I can tell you with confidence that we are focusing on the wrong war.Sure, Iran is important. Everyone in the military knows that Iran was responsible for many American casualties in Iraq and Syria. But while everyone is glued to maps of the Strait of Hormuz, they are missing the larger truth.The truth is that we need to prepare for the coming global conflict with the lizard people.And before anyone jumps in with, “Actually, they’re not ‘lizards’ or ‘people,’” let me stop you there. I am fully tracking that. I know the “lizard people" claim to be a fungus-derived parasitic intelligence that previously hijacked reptilian hosts on another planet.I am still calling them lizard people. Because frankly, I don't see any difference between the old reptile bodies and the new ones they're currently piloting inside the Bush family, the Trump family, the Rothschilds, and possibly Taylor Swift.They need to be sent back home to the Draco or Orion constellations or at a minimum, New Jersey.Former Army Capt. Jenson Briggs reviews intelligence materials related to what he describes as the coming “global conflict with the lizard people” from an undisclosed location. (Author photo)Now, I didn’t come to this conclusion lightly. I spent more than a decade in the military. I’ve sat through enough staff meetings, briefings, and command updates to tell you with absolute certainty that roughly 45% of all lieutenant colonels are lizard people.At least another 30 percent are almost indistinguishable from simple cold-blooded reptilians. It's extremely difficult to make it to O-5 without developing some form of fungal brain infection. I don’t know when it happens — probably somewhere between Intermediate Level Education and their second divorce — but it happens.Most generals, however, appear to remain human. You do not reach flag rank without at least the ability to simulate empathy and basic social interaction.You can see it in the eyes. The slow nodding. The detached way they talk about “strategic shaping operations,” like they are seconds away from falling asleep during a family readiness briefing.And we’re supposed to believe these individuals — many of whom openly describe humanity as a critical “resource” — are acting in our best interests?That’s the same logic we’ve heard for decades: trickle-down economics, deregulation, loosening worker protections, and tax incentives for companies manufacturing what they insist are “heat lamps.”“We’re helping you,” they say, while quietly optimizing the planet for whatever fungus-lizard hybrids consider a favorable quarterly return.Wake up!While Americans argue over whether a war with Iran will last two weeks or should just be declared won, the Reptilian Overmind Collective — or whatever branding they are using this quarter — continues consolidating power over governments, economies, HOA boards, and base mayor cells.
New 'Bachelor' revealed as veteran with 100% disability rating
HOLLYWOOD — ABC has announced its next star of The Bachelor will be a medically retired Army veteran with a 100% disability rating, a move producers described as both “a step toward representation” and “a situation we are not fully equipped to manage.”Retired Staff Sgt. Wyatt “Wheels” Carson, 32, was introduced during a live press event held in the parking lot of a Chili’s, where he exited a mobility van and fist-bumped show host Jesse Palmer.“Look, I might be missing a few vertebrae, some hearing, and most of my trust in the federal government,” Carson said, “but I’m still here to find love, collect per diem, and occasionally disassociate on national television.”Carson served three combat deployments before medically retiring after injuring his back while “carrying an entire logistics section’s emotional baggage” through Kandahar. He also suffers from chronic PTSD, tinnitus, and what producers described as “a brand partnership-level dependence on Monster Energy.”Each episode will include traditional elements such as group dates, one-on-ones, and elimination ceremonies, though producers acknowledged several adjustments.“We’ve replaced the rose ceremony with a VA claim denial letter ritual,” said executive producer Jessica Kaplan. “Every time he hands one out, the contestant has to process it emotionally and still act like she’s grateful.”The cast of 30 women reportedly includes twelve influencers, six nurses, three yoga instructors, and nine women who said they had always wanted to date someone who’s been to war because “it feels like what I go through with my mom.”In an early clip, Carson attempts to connect with a contestant by explaining his disability rating.
Hegseth buys second suit
WASHINGTON — On the heels of a glorious victory after 40 days of devastatingly one-sided combat guided personally by the hand of God, the historic Easter Sunday rescue of a downed F-15 pilot, and the unrestricted opening of the Strait of Hormuz following a two-week ceasefire, Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth reportedly marked the occasion by purchasing a second suit. The 45-year-old former Army National Guard officer and television host, known for his cultivated aesthetic of coiffed, highly-gelled hair and wartime slam poetry, is typically seen wearing a cobalt blue suit with an American flag pocket square, a combination some officials say had effectively become "his uniform."“We couldn’t be more excited.” said a Pentagon source who spoke on condition of anonymity. “I mean, the secretary looks sharp, no doubt, but it's time to mix it up."The purchase comes after a period of sustained military activity that officials described as “high tempo,” including recent operations in the Middle East that have kept the secretary in near-constant public view.Speculation has long surrounded Hegseth’s clothing rotation. Some Washington insiders have maintained he owns only a single suit, while others believe he has multiple identical versions of the same outfit.“It makes sense," said Jimmy McGarvey, a patron at Freddie’s Beach Bar, a popular bar near the Pentagon. “He’s an Army man, right? He’s in charge of the Pentagon, right? So, it’s like he’s wearing a uniform without wearing a uniform.”Sources said the demands of recent operations have taken a toll on the secretary’s wardrobe, with some noting that extended workdays have led to “noticeable wear” mitigated primarily by liberal application of cologne.“I get that the boss is focused on Iran, but would a change of clothes kill you?” said one staffer.Due to the recent implementation of polygraphs and non-disclosure agreements aimed at limiting leaks, few officials were willing to provide additional details about the new suit.However, sources familiar with the matter said the purchase had been delayed after a tailor originally hired for the job became unavailable due to immigration enforcement actions.🖊️P.J. O’Leary is a ginger and a retired Army first sergeant who enjoys black coffee, axe throwing, and an uncomfortable amount of internet trolling. Stand up comedy and satire writing help him make sense of the chaos and get revenge on his fifth grade teacher who once declared he can’t make a living as a class clown. He can be found on Instagram at @pjolearycomedy and on Tik Tok at @pj.oleary.comedy
Daily Mash
Woman against one-night stands keeps man pointlessly hanging around for eight months
A 26-YEAR-OLD woman who prides herself on not having one-night stands has instead unnecessarily kept one in her life for two-thirds of a year.
Sophie Rodriguez values herself too much to give sex away cheaply so, after an initial night with Josh Gardner, has subsequently pretended they are in a relationship to justify it.
She said: “I’m too classy to shag and then get dumped so I’ve been dragging Josh around for almost three financial quarters while trying to convince myself I like him.
“It’s much better to realise someone isn’t right for you after a wasted winter over-analysing their texts, rather than the next morning when still unsure what his name is.
“Why let yourself be used when you can embark on long-term psychological combat involving mixed signals, cancelled plans and occasional intimacy every third Friday? Slowly draining one man’s will to live to show I’m not a slag.
“One-night stands objectify women. This hasn’t. Therefore it’s better, even if I am dumping him on Sunday because of incompatibility issues and him being shit in bed.”
Gardner said: “No, I get it, it’s like when you get a free trial for Apple TV, forget to cancel and watch three seasons of Foundation to get your money’s worth it even though it’s bollocks.”
We ask you: How will you stop politics influencing your sacred Eurovision vote?
THE Eurovision Song Contest is a safe space away from any political leanings, which is why Ukraine beat Sam Ryder in 2022. How will you keep it that way?
Carrie Ryan, eyebrow threader: “By abandoning nationalism, letting all flags and ethnicities fade into the background and treating every act as the same old spangly shit.”
Julian Cook, poet: “My wife and I each draw a nationality from a hat and support them fervently, culminating in a drunken fistfight then making wild, passionate love in front of the television as the Norwegians say ‘nul points’. All five children have February birthdays.”
Norman Steele, sluice installer: “Oh, it’s entirely political. We vote depending on which European country has most pleased us the previous year on holiday. And they f**king know it.”
Hannah Tomlinson, member for Stevenage: “By backing Wes Streeting because he’s the right choice for Britain and also performing Küpsetatud Sink Tantsib for Estonia tonight.”
Will McKay, flying instructor: “By not being able to watch the bastard. I’m Irish.”
‘Economy’s doing alright if anyone’s interested’
Can you spot the carefully hidden reason this couple were able to go mortgage-free at 25?
LAUREN Hewitt and Josh Hudson have just bought a house outright aged 25. Can you work out the clever way they did it besides trivial money ‘hacks’?
‘Getting on the property ladder is easy if you do one thing: stop your wasteful spending. Because not eating 70p avocados is definitely how you raise the best part of 300 grand.
‘It’s all about making sacrifices, and sadly too many young people today won’t do that. Luckily my parents brought me up to be careful with money. “Cut your coat according to your cloth,” is what my frugal corporate lawyer mum and hedge fund manager dad always told me.
‘And so Josh and I devised a strict money-saving plan. Making meals at home instead of eating out. Buying items on discount and cutting out non-essentials. You’d be surprised how often you don’t need new headphones or a top, much like when I was a child and my parents said I didn’t need two ponies.
‘We stopped wasting money on £4.50 lattes and a £12.99 Netflix subscription we barely watched. We both loved foreign holidays, but we agreed we’d tighten our belts and just stay in Josh’s parents’ villa in Gran Canaria.
‘I’m a terrible clothesaholic, but you can get perfectly good outfits secondhand. “Can I have all those Jigsaw dresses you never wear, and actually those Jimmy Choos?” I asked my mum. A deal was struck, and I agreed to cook dinner that evening.
‘But I think the hack that really helped us buy a house was checking our finances daily. If there was money owed on my credit card, I’d immediately say “Daddy, can you pay my card off for me again?” That way I avoided paying interest completely.
‘And now, after taking control of our spending and some careful budgeting, we own our home, and my parents are delighted. “Pay back the £285,000 any time,” they said.’
‘How long has it been now?’ and other thoughts women have during cunnilingus
BLESS him for trying, but cunnilingus can drag on with no end in sight. Here is what’s running through a woman’s mind when the dreaded erotic situation occurs.
‘Oh no’
Triggered by the slide down the body with a smug look of satisfaction showing what a generous feminist he thinks he is, and that he knows you’re expected to reciprocate. He’s even thinking he’ll sound like a great guy when you tell the girls at brunch. What a truly unselfish act.
‘That ceiling needs repainting’
He’s doing his thing and despite participating in a sexual act you are entirely disconnected and may as well be watching telly in a different room. You look at the ceiling where several damp spots are forming and you suspect the whole area could do with some sprucing up. Sadly he’s thinking the same thing where he is.
‘Is he okay?’
What’s he thinking about? Can he breathe? Does it not taste too too bad? How does it smell? Should I ask? Are we allowed to talk? Am I allowed to whisper or pass a note if I want to communicate with him? What are the rules? Christ, it’s quiet in here.
‘Is that the right place?’
For all his persistence, he’s not really working on the right area and you can only redirect him by squirming awkwardly around the bed, which just makes him adjust position too, back to the wrong bit. You feel like you’re on The Crystal Maze, instructing a contestant in another room ‘left a bit… no, right’. Now you’re thinking about Richard O’Brien’s remarkably bald head and that’s not helping you climax.
‘Should I be making more noise?’
Wondering whether you need to sound more enthused, you look down. Unfortunately he looks up, causing you to immediately look away like when you accidentally lock eyes with a stranger on the bus. Him attempting to see your reaction is making this even more stressful. Can you throw a blanket over him?
‘How can I break this off?’
It’s taking too long, much too long. At first it seemed to be a warm-up for the main event, but no, he’s actually aiming for the big O, the ambitious, crazy bastard. He’ll never get there. You either have to fake it or say ‘That was lovely, dear’ like a mother praising a child who insisted on singing a song. Either that or: ‘You did your best and that’s what counts.’
‘Is that a wart growing on my hand?’
You’ve given up on this torment and are instead looking at the back of your hand for something to do. You can’t really look at your phone after he moved the duvet off his head. Is that a wrinkle? Are you getting a wart? Maybe you should see the doctor. If you distract yourself, maybe the orgasm will sneak up on you when you’re not looking.
‘How long’s it been?’
You can’t sneak a peek at your watch, much as you yearn to. Worse, you suspect it’s only been three or four minutes. Time slows down here, like in the dentist’s chair. But like being checked for bleeding gums, at least it only happens twice a year.
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