The Onion
WWII Veteran Standing On Field Not Planned
KANSAS CITY, MO—Shuffling quietly near the third-base line as security officials scrambled to piece together a response, a frail uniformed World War II veteran standing on the field at Kauffman Stadium was not part of any planned ceremony, a spokesperson for the Kansas City Royals confirmed Tuesday. “We honestly have no idea how he got out there or what he’s doing,” said team spokesperson Sam Mellinger, adding that the man—who looked to be about 100 years old and might have once shot some Nazis—was causing a delay in gameplay and confusing fans, many of whom had stood up and applauded the veteran out of respect for his service. “Doesn’t seem like he’s causing any problems or anything, but we’d appreciate it if he returned to his seat. If his family is here, maybe they can go get him.” At press time, players were jogging around the veteran to take the field while he stared off into the distance and marched in place.
The Onion.
Jeffrey Epstein Suicide Note Released
A purported suicide note found by Jeffrey Epstein’s cellmate after his first suicide attempt in 2019 was released to the public, though the handwritten letter has not been authenticated. What do you think?
“The people who work hardest to make other people happy are often the saddest inside.”
Cryus Curry, Toast Innovator
“The Jeffrey I knew would have emailed it.”
Gavin Hebert, Rug Weaver
“I had no idea he was struggling with so many demons.”
Aubrey Lin, Reef Cleaner
The Onion.
Doctors Say Digging Own Grave Keeps Bones Healthy After Menopause
The Onion.
Church Of Scientology Speedrunner Screams After Barging In On Xenu Taking Bath
LOS ANGELES—Howling in terror upon observing the Supreme Ruler of the Galaxy in all of His uncovered glory, TikTok creator Alex Morris reportedly screamed Friday after barging in on a bathing Xenu during a speedrun of a Church of Scientology building. “Jesus fucking Christ—what the hell is that thing?” Morris said mid-livestream as the ancient, incomprehensible Progenitor of All Thetans arose from His porcelain tub with a loofah in His hand. “Holy shit. Guys, this is way more than I bargained for. I just wanted to film a harmless prank, but now I can’t move my legs. Agh! What is that noise? It’s like a drum is beating in my head, or a woodpecker is trying to break out of my skull. Make it stop! Please, make it stop! Oh, fuck. That thing just stepped out of the tub. It’s approaching!” At press time, Morris had clawed his own eyes out after Xenu flooded his mind with trillions of years of Thetan history previously unknown to mankind.
The Onion.
Study: City Birds More Afraid Of Women Than Men
A study found that birds residing in cities consistently allowed men to approach almost a meter closer before flying away on average than women, with researchers unsure how they are able to determine sex or a reason for their behavior. What do you think?
“Their loss. My purse is always full to the brim with worms.”
Makayla Maynard, Paella Chef
“It’s called negging.”
Anderson Huang, Cage Latcher
“Well can you blame them after #MeToo?”
Dean Frye, Vacuum Servicer
The Onion.
ClickHole
Just Saying: This Woman Can’t Be Too Upset About Her Father Dying If She Posted An Elaborate Instagram Carousel About It A Few Hours After He Passed
Losing a loved one is never easy, and everyone grieves in their own way. That said, something feels just a little off here: This woman must not be too upset about her father dying if she posted an elaborate Instagram carousel about it a few hours after he passed.
Hm. A little soon, no?
Thirty-six-year-old Kelly Bishop’s father Keith passed away earlier today when he sadly lost his battle with cancer, and although the photos in her carousel surely make it seem like they had a great relationship, the fact that she managed to post 19 (!) photos of the two of them within just a couple hours of his passing does suggest otherwise. One has to think that the first few hours following your father’s death should be strictly for crying/weeping, not selecting which Allman Brothers song should accompany the carousel.
That said, she probably had a bit of a heads up (due to the cancer), so maybe she planned all this out a week ago and had it saved in her drafts, ready to go. And while that may sound icky, is it really that different from a new publication’s pre-written obituary? IDK…
Plus, posting this carousel saves her from reaching out to her friends individually to tell them the news, so now she can feel their support even sooner. But on the other hand, it just seems like you should wait at least a day before posting. Like if you really loved your dad… you probably wouldn’t even know where your phone was, let alone take the time to ensure every photo is properly reframed in portrait orientation.
One thing is for certain: There’s no correct way to mourn. But to post this soon after the loss is, well, you know, just a little soon. That’s all. Fortunately, nothing bad has ever happened to any of us, so we don’t know how we’d react in a situation like this.
Heartwarming: The Thousands Of Texts And Photos Exchanged Between This High School Math Teacher And Her Male Student Were About The Pythagorean Theorem
Looking to feel all warm and fuzzy? Well, here you go:
The thousands of texts and photos exchanged between this high school math teacher and her male student were about the Pythagorean theorem.
Awwwww. Just a dedicated teacher working overtime off the clock to help a student understand a fundamental relation in Euclidean geometry!
When 16-year-old Reno High School student Bryan Clark’s parents discovered thousands of messages between him and Ms. Lewis, his 24-year-old math teacher, they were delighted to find that the two of them had been passionately discussing the Pythagorean theorem day and night for months.
Snapchats. Texts. Voice notes. Videos. All with one purpose:
To educate a fertile young mind about the magical fact that for any right-angled triangle, the area of the square built upon the hypotenuse is equal to the sum of the areas of the squares built upon the two legs…
Which can be elegantly expressed as “A squared + B squared = C squared.”
Just check out this exchange, which is one of thousands that the Clarks discovered.
Bryan: cant sleep. u up?
Ms. Lewis: Yeah. Watching TV. You thinking about what I’m thinking about?
Bryan: mmhm. Euclid’s Elements? How he proves the PT?
Ms. Lewis: LOL you know it. You should be in bed though.
Bryan: Did you get the pics I sent earlier? Those drawings of right triangles I did?
Ms. Lewis: Sure did. I LOVED them. Send me more when you have a chance.
Bryan: I’ll try. But they’re hard to draw.
Wow. Now THAT’S the kind of thing we want out busty young teachers talking about with our teenage sons at 3 a.m. over Facebook messenger.
This. Is. So. Wholesome.
Every Parent’s Nightmare: This Child Drowned In His Family’s Freshly Installed Pool, Came Back To Life During His Wake, Ate More Than Half Of His Grandmother, Was Shot 26 Times By His Own Father, And Began A Scream Which Continues To This Day
When you’re a parent, you live to protect your child, but sometimes the unthinkable happens and you find yourself confronted with the ultimate tragedy. That’s what happened to Bruce and Amanda Cooper, who just experienced every parent’s worst nightmare: Their child Hunter drowned in his family’s freshly installed pool, came back to life during his wake, ate more than half of his grandmother, was shot 26 times by his own father, and began a scream which continues to this day.
Absolutely devastating. This is the exact scenario every parent fears more than anything else in the world.
When the Coopers first installed their new swimming pool in their back yard, they envisioned it as the future site of countless summer memories and moments of joy. But five minutes after the pool had been installed, eight-year-old Hunter sprinted into the water and drowned immediately. His parents were heartbroken, but their nightmare was only beginning. At Hunter’s wake, his father was giving a speech about how the only good thing about losing a child is that they can only die once, when all of a sudden Hunter climbed out of his coffin and said, “I’m back from Heaven, where everything sucks.” This caused everyone at the wake to boo the newly resurrected child and throw things like bricks and shoes at his grieving parents.
This might seem like the lowest point imaginable, but things got even more tragic when Hunter saw his grandmother, Georgina among the mourners, pointed at her and said, “That old lady’s the kind of grandma that looks like food,” and proceeded to start eating his grandmother alive. As she was devoured by her own grandson, Georgina kept giving Bruce the middle finger while screaming about how much she hated America, which caused the United States Army to send a tank to blow up Bruce’s car.
Many people might think it’s a blessing for parents when their drowned child gets back up and starts doing all their bullshit again, but those people belong in prison because of how mistaken they are. When Hunter’s mother first saw her son flop out of his coffin, the first thing she said was, “Hunter! My son! You’re alive!” but Hunter just looked at her and said, “Go back to the barnyard, she-rooster, I’m busy eating this pile of lunch that calls itself my grandma.” He then went back to chowing down on his grandmother while she continued to shout anti-American slogans and pissing off the Army.
If you thought losing a child was heartbreaking, imagine having your car destroyed by your own country while your reanimated son eats your own mother while she flips you off. It’s the sort of thing you always imagine would happen to somebody else, and when it happens to you, you’re totally unprepared.
Every single person currently reading this story is presently thinking, “This is as bad as it could possibly get, and this story could not possibly get sadder,” but that would make all of them wrong and evil, because this tragedy did get worse.
After Hunter had eaten approximately 52% of his grandmother, Bruce decided to take matters into his own hands. “I bring a gun to every wake I attend in case I need to defend myself from wasps or earthquakes,” Bruce told all the best reporters in the world during a press conference. “When you bring a gun to your own son’s wake, the last thing you expect is that you’re going to use that gun on your son’s reanimated corpse. I mean, I knew it was a possibility, every parent knows in the back of their mind they might one day have to shoot the zombie version of their drowned child while that child eats their mother-in-law, but it’s not exactly something anybody likes to think about. But at this point Hunter had eaten more than half of his grandma, and I had no choice but to shoot him as many times as I could.”
Bruce was forced to shoot his reanimated cannibal son 26 times, which is something no parent should ever have to do, but the worst was yet to come, because getting shot more than two dozen times caused Hunter to begin the longest scream any resurrected child has emitted in months. It was one long, sustained tone that to this day has not stopped or changed in any way.
“When my wife and first talked about having kids, we did briefly think about what we would do if our child drowned, came back to life, devoured a significant portion of his grandmother, and then screamed forever after we shot him a lot of times, but we decided to start a family even though we knew that was a real risk,” says Bruce. “Now I regret. Nobody should have children and parenthood is a mistake. The Army blew up my car.”
Absolutely heartbreaking. If you’re not sobbing extremely loudly while reading this story, you’re on the wrong side of history. Here’s hoping we one day live in a world where no parent has to experience the kind of tragedy the Cooper family has been forced to endure. Things like this are far too common in our society, and it needs to change. Share if you believe it’s sad when kids die and then come back to life and then eat their grandparents and then scream for a long time!
Heartbreaking: The Town You Grew Up In And Fought So Hard To Escape Is The Only Place With Homes In Your Price Range
It’s not that millennials will never own homes, it’s just that they may never be able to own them where they want to. Case in point: The town you grew up in and fought so hard to escape is the only place with homes in your price range.
Just heartbreaking.
Although you worked so hard to get good grades in high school, saved money by attending community college for two years before transferring to a state university, and landed a solid job in your dream city, ultimately, after 15 years out of your parents’ house, the only homes in your price range are back in the podunk town where you were raised.
And sure, there are other affordable homes in other equivalent podunk towns, but it’s pretty depressing that your hard work has merely led you back to a place with nothing but a 7-11, two dive bars, and an opioid crisis. If only you’d known that to really make something for yourself, your one option was to go into finance. But would business school even be worth it now? What with AI…? And everything?
Oh, who knows? (Certainly not you.)
There’s a pretty nice-looking place on Zillow up for sale, not too far down the street from your parents. Three bedrooms, a little yard, a laundry machine. Yes, buying it would mean you failed, but something about it remains compelling. Most tragically, you could’ve saved about half the cost if you’d just bought it during the pandemic when your mom first sent you the link.
Damn. If only you’d known to give up by then.
So what will you do? Should you just keep renting in the city where you’re basically watching your money burn? Or should you move back home, buy property, and just get addicted to opioids? Sound off below!
6 Mother’s Day Gifts That We’re Sure Won’t Be Good Enough For That Bitch
Let’s face it: No matter what you get your mom this Mother’s Day, it’s likely that wench isn’t going to be one bit impressed. Here are six Mother’s Day gifts that we’re sure won’t be good enough for that bitch.
1. A Dress From Anthropologie
While there is no shortage of dresses from Anthro that would look great on your mom, odds are if you give the bitch one, the second she opens it you’ll be met with a look of poorly concealed disappointment and a choked off sigh. Even if you manage to get your mom to try it on and it fits perfectly, based on previous experience you can definitely expect some comment along the lines of, “Didn’t the Anthropologie guy get me too-ed?” or, “It’s nice, but I bet it was overpriced for the quality.” Probably best to skip this one this year.
2. A Gift Certificate For A Massage
Even though your mom loves to get massages, that bitch is definitely going to find a reason to not like the one you get her, even if you get it from her regular massage therapist. Whether she responds to your gift certificate (for a full 90-minute massage with the tip already included and everything) with the least convincing, “Oh…how thoughtful of you,” you’ve ever heard in your life or just looks at the gift certificate and puts it back inside the card without saying anything, you’re going to regret giving her this one.
3. A One-Of-A-Kind Piece From A Local Artist
Ha, good luck with this one. While plenty of non-megabitch moms would appreciate a thoughtfully curated, completely unique art piece that put money into the hands of a local artist instead of an evil corporation, no matter how cool the work you pick out for her is, she’s gonna hate it. Somehow, she’ll find a way for a piece of pottery or a painting of a boat dock to inspire a comment like, “Some of these artists seem so angry,” or, “This might look nice in the garage.” Don’t take it too personally, though. Your mom’s just a bitch like that.
4. An Offer To Reroof Her Garage
Hoo boy. Don’t even think about opening this can of worms. Despite mom’s garage roof objectively needing to be replaced and your gift of offering to replace it potentially saving her thousands of dollars, the mere suggestion that mom’s garage roof isn’t perfect is going to put her on the warpath. Prepare to hear, “How am I supposed to feel about this?” or “Your cousin Keith was just over here and he’s a roofer and he didn’t say anything about the garage roof at all.” Yep, even though there’s black stuff dripping down onto her Subaru every time it rains, that bitch is going to need to make the decision that it’s time for a new garage roof on her own.
5. $800 Cash
Whoever said you can never go wrong with cash as a gift clearly has never given your bitch mom $800. The problems with giving mom cash are countless: Give her a small amount, such as $20, and that bitch will snap off some passive aggressive, “Oh great, I’ve been wanting to buy some new sewing needles,” type of BS. Give her a large amount, such as $800, and you’re going to get to hear some, “Are you sure you can afford this?” or “You need this money more than I do, look at what you’re wearing,” type of BS. Yep, your mom is the one bitch on earth who money is somehow not good enough for.
6. A Pair Of Goddamned Diamond Earrings
What woman wouldn’t love a gorgeous pair of diamond earrings set in 24k gold? Queen Cunt AKA your mom, of course! No matter how reputable the jeweler you buy this luxurious gift from, your bitch-ass mom is going to start in with the, “These look like cubic zirconias,” or, “Why does one feel so much heavier than the other? I’m going to tip over wearing these.” Yep, this Mother’s Day it’s probably best to just send your mom a bouquet and turn off your notifications for the day so you don’t have to get her bitchy texts about how, “A bug that was on the flowers just attacked me!!!!” Ugh. Happy Mother’s Day!
Duffel Blog
Opinion: War with Iran distracts from coming war against lizard people
The following is an opinion piece by former Army Capt. Jenson Briggs.As a former military intelligence officer, I can tell you with confidence that we are focusing on the wrong war.Sure, Iran is important. Everyone in the military knows that Iran was responsible for many American casualties in Iraq and Syria. But while everyone is glued to maps of the Strait of Hormuz, they are missing the larger truth.The truth is that we need to prepare for the coming global conflict with the lizard people.And before anyone jumps in with, “Actually, they’re not ‘lizards’ or ‘people,’” let me stop you there. I am fully tracking that. I know the “lizard people" claim to be a fungus-derived parasitic intelligence that previously hijacked reptilian hosts on another planet.I am still calling them lizard people. Because frankly, I don't see any difference between the old reptile bodies and the new ones they're currently piloting inside the Bush family, the Trump family, the Rothschilds, and possibly Taylor Swift.They need to be sent back home to the Draco or Orion constellations or at a minimum, New Jersey.Former Army Capt. Jenson Briggs reviews intelligence materials related to what he describes as the coming “global conflict with the lizard people” from an undisclosed location. (Author photo)Now, I didn’t come to this conclusion lightly. I spent more than a decade in the military. I’ve sat through enough staff meetings, briefings, and command updates to tell you with absolute certainty that roughly 45% of all lieutenant colonels are lizard people.At least another 30 percent are almost indistinguishable from simple cold-blooded reptilians. It's extremely difficult to make it to O-5 without developing some form of fungal brain infection. I don’t know when it happens — probably somewhere between Intermediate Level Education and their second divorce — but it happens.Most generals, however, appear to remain human. You do not reach flag rank without at least the ability to simulate empathy and basic social interaction.You can see it in the eyes. The slow nodding. The detached way they talk about “strategic shaping operations,” like they are seconds away from falling asleep during a family readiness briefing.And we’re supposed to believe these individuals — many of whom openly describe humanity as a critical “resource” — are acting in our best interests?That’s the same logic we’ve heard for decades: trickle-down economics, deregulation, loosening worker protections, and tax incentives for companies manufacturing what they insist are “heat lamps.”“We’re helping you,” they say, while quietly optimizing the planet for whatever fungus-lizard hybrids consider a favorable quarterly return.Wake up!While Americans argue over whether a war with Iran will last two weeks or should just be declared won, the Reptilian Overmind Collective — or whatever branding they are using this quarter — continues consolidating power over governments, economies, HOA boards, and base mayor cells.
New 'Bachelor' revealed as veteran with 100% disability rating
HOLLYWOOD — ABC has announced its next star of The Bachelor will be a medically retired Army veteran with a 100% disability rating, a move producers described as both “a step toward representation” and “a situation we are not fully equipped to manage.”Retired Staff Sgt. Wyatt “Wheels” Carson, 32, was introduced during a live press event held in the parking lot of a Chili’s, where he exited a mobility van and fist-bumped show host Jesse Palmer.“Look, I might be missing a few vertebrae, some hearing, and most of my trust in the federal government,” Carson said, “but I’m still here to find love, collect per diem, and occasionally disassociate on national television.”Carson served three combat deployments before medically retiring after injuring his back while “carrying an entire logistics section’s emotional baggage” through Kandahar. He also suffers from chronic PTSD, tinnitus, and what producers described as “a brand partnership-level dependence on Monster Energy.”Each episode will include traditional elements such as group dates, one-on-ones, and elimination ceremonies, though producers acknowledged several adjustments.“We’ve replaced the rose ceremony with a VA claim denial letter ritual,” said executive producer Jessica Kaplan. “Every time he hands one out, the contestant has to process it emotionally and still act like she’s grateful.”The cast of 30 women reportedly includes twelve influencers, six nurses, three yoga instructors, and nine women who said they had always wanted to date someone who’s been to war because “it feels like what I go through with my mom.”In an early clip, Carson attempts to connect with a contestant by explaining his disability rating.
Hegseth buys second suit
WASHINGTON — On the heels of a glorious victory after 40 days of devastatingly one-sided combat guided personally by the hand of God, the historic Easter Sunday rescue of a downed F-15 pilot, and the unrestricted opening of the Strait of Hormuz following a two-week ceasefire, Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth reportedly marked the occasion by purchasing a second suit. The 45-year-old former Army National Guard officer and television host, known for his cultivated aesthetic of coiffed, highly-gelled hair and wartime slam poetry, is typically seen wearing a cobalt blue suit with an American flag pocket square, a combination some officials say had effectively become "his uniform."“We couldn’t be more excited.” said a Pentagon source who spoke on condition of anonymity. “I mean, the secretary looks sharp, no doubt, but it's time to mix it up."The purchase comes after a period of sustained military activity that officials described as “high tempo,” including recent operations in the Middle East that have kept the secretary in near-constant public view.Speculation has long surrounded Hegseth’s clothing rotation. Some Washington insiders have maintained he owns only a single suit, while others believe he has multiple identical versions of the same outfit.“It makes sense," said Jimmy McGarvey, a patron at Freddie’s Beach Bar, a popular bar near the Pentagon. “He’s an Army man, right? He’s in charge of the Pentagon, right? So, it’s like he’s wearing a uniform without wearing a uniform.”Sources said the demands of recent operations have taken a toll on the secretary’s wardrobe, with some noting that extended workdays have led to “noticeable wear” mitigated primarily by liberal application of cologne.“I get that the boss is focused on Iran, but would a change of clothes kill you?” said one staffer.Due to the recent implementation of polygraphs and non-disclosure agreements aimed at limiting leaks, few officials were willing to provide additional details about the new suit.However, sources familiar with the matter said the purchase had been delayed after a tailor originally hired for the job became unavailable due to immigration enforcement actions.🖊️P.J. O’Leary is a ginger and a retired Army first sergeant who enjoys black coffee, axe throwing, and an uncomfortable amount of internet trolling. Stand up comedy and satire writing help him make sense of the chaos and get revenge on his fifth grade teacher who once declared he can’t make a living as a class clown. He can be found on Instagram at @pjolearycomedy and on Tik Tok at @pj.oleary.comedy
Troops say casualties in Iran should be used for maximum political impact
WASHINGTON — As tensions with Iran continue, U.S. service members have urged the White House and lawmakers that casualties during the Iran War be “effectively leveraged into a clear domestic messaging opportunity.”“Look, when my defensive position gets turned into a crater outside some oil refinery, I just want it to matter,” said Spc. Daniel Ruiz of the 10th Mountain Division, while studying a map he admitted he “doesn’t fully understand.” “Ideally, the president climbs on top of what’s left of me and delivers a two- or three-minute speech. Something about strength. Maybe jobs. Definitely how the landscape looks better now, and how it’ll look even better with a Trump-branded resort.”Ruiz said he hopes the aftermath is arranged in a way that “really frames the shot,” describing a “cinematic field of sacrifice” that could serve as the backdrop for a nationally televised address about the Dow Jones Industrial Average.“It’s not about me,” Ruiz said. “It’s about that moment before he goes back to playing golf. You want a clean visual. No clutter. Just bodies, smoke, and the president explaining how this was always the plan.”Other troops echoed the sentiment, noting that while operational guidance remains unclear, the strategic communications outcome feels “pretty much locked in.”Pfc. Tyler Jennings, who described himself as a “strong supporter,” said he hopes he survives long enough to hear the speech, which he has already begun rehearsing in the president's voice.“These incredible heroes — maybe the best heroes we’ve ever had — they gave their lives, and because of that, the markets are doing unbelievably well,” said Jennings, a soldier in the 101st Airborne Division, gesturing broadly. “People are saying we’ve never seen anything like it.”Jennings paused before reflecting on the broader meaning of sacrifice.“You don’t die for nothing,” he said. “You die for the idea that your family might eventually benefit from a system where the people at the top risk nothing and owe you nothing.”He added: "Maybe someday I can compete at the same level as Trump's kids, who just made perfectly-timed transactions in the military drone industry worth billions.”At press time, Defense Department officials confirmed service members will now have the option to direct their life insurance payouts to political action committees. Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth said that troops will need to opt out if they prefer the money go to their families.🖊️SECDEF_Nice served in Army Civil Affairs and specialized in failing to influence populations and occasionally his own chain-of-command. Favorite quote by Plato: “The best satire for the soul is the truth.” Follow him on X at @SECDEF_Nice or at Foxhole Briefs.
SIPR podcast celebrates its tenth download
UNDISCLOSED LOCATION — The world’s most secure podcast, “Whispers from the Smokey Smoke,” celebrated a colossal milestone this week after recording its tenth total download. The classified celebration, attended by the podcast’s entire listener base — both of them — featured a cake of unknown origin and streamers of undisclosed colors.The podcast, hosted on the Secure Internet Protocol Router Network (SIPRNet), is so secure that even the hosts don’t know each other’s true identities. Rumor has it that they communicate through a series of nods and winks in a windowless room deep within the Pentagon, though Duffel Blog correspondents confirmed that rumor to be both dumb and untrue.“We’re thrilled to hit double digits,” said the host known only as “Smoke,” speaking through a voice modulator on a Signal voice call. “When we started this podcast, we knew what we had to say was super relevant and timely. And after three years of continuous content production, it’s gratifying to finally see the audience grow.”“Whispers from the Smokey Smoke” covers topics ranging from “The Best Kept Secrets of the Mess Hall” to “Conspiracy Theories That Are Actually Just Standard Operating Procedures.” The podcast’s signature segment, “Guess That Redacted Word,” has become a cult favorite among the extremely limited number of listeners with the clearance, patience, and functional CAC reader required to access the show.The tenth download was marked by the ceremonial cutting of a cake that was, quite literally, classified.
Finally, healthcare that understands your mission: waiting.
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“We had to imprison the baker for even setting eyes on it,” Smoke said. Attendees, all wearing blackout goggles for operational security, were guided to the cake by a series of secure, encrypted smells emitted by a classified scent dispenser.Security was tight at the celebration, with guests required to pass through three biometric scans and a pop quiz on the Joint Ethics Regulation. Party favors included redacted party hats and invisible ink pens.Despite the high-level security, morale among attendees remained high.“I’ve never been to a party where I knew less about what was going on,” said one guest, a shadowy figure known only as Deep Cover. “The mystery just adds to the excitement!”Looking ahead, the hosts remain cautiously optimistic.“We’re hoping to hit 20 downloads by 2030,” Smoke said, adjusting their voice scrambler for no apparent reason. “But let’s not get ahead of ourselves. Operational security is our number one priority. That, and figuring out where that echo in our recording studio is coming from.”The podcast is available for download every second Tuesday of the month, assuming the stars align, the secure server is up, and nobody accidentally locks themselves out of SIPR again. As for the cake, it was reportedly delicious, though details of its flavor remain classified pending further review.🖊️As For Class is a boy named Sue, named Ashley. When he isn’t writing for Duffel Blog he also writes fiction.
Daily Mash
Being thrown into a pit of starving wolves: six can-Starmer-survive? scenarios
A BRITISH public incessantly faced with the question of whether Starmer can survive has come up with some more imaginative scenarios for it. Try these:
Nathan Muir, Hitchin
“He can survive hearings about Mandelson vettings, sure, but can he survive six years in a Mongolian jail, locked up with the dregs of the Russian Mafia, fighting for every scrap of food, living on only his wits and the British reputation as peerless catamites? Because if he can then he deserves to stay the full term as prime minister, fair play.”
Norman Steele, Hythe
“Bollocks to surviving council elections. I’ll only respect him if he survives a pit full of starving wolves, crosses a swamp of alligators, then fights his way out of a soft play centre stocked with leopards, cobras and crazed honey badgers. And if being mugged turns liberals to conservatives, all that should make him further right than Tommy Robinson.”
Jo Kramer, Warwick
“We keep hearing how he’s under pressure, To prove it doesn’t bother him, he should journey to the bottom of the Marianas Trench in a submersible he’s constructed himself, then be catapulted directly into space. Then and only then will he have the necessary authority to propose limited trade alignment with the EU.”
Helen Archer, East Grinstead
“See, this is why we traditionally temper our politicians in the seething Darwinian cauldron of Eton. Because if they can get through five years of insane snobbery, indiscriminate buggery, beatings on the fives court and total parental indifference, politics is nothing.”
Julian Cook, Chelsea
“I’m seeing a lot of headlines about the hantavirus. So that, and then how about he continues to do his job in a Hazmat suit while his body is used as an incubator for a series of terrible diseases, eventually expiring at the dispatch box? While Streeting, Rayner and the rest do their very best to look sad.”
Bill McKay, Warrington
“Global thermonuclear war. The great thing is we don’t have to go to any trouble because Trump’s going to China to meet Xi this week to set it off. If he can clamber to the irradiated surface and deliver a speech about getting the tough choices right as the last man on earth, he’s earned it. Though we all know in that situation it’ll be Farage.”
Pubs closing because wives are alright these days
DRINKING establishments are shuttering because men no longer mind being at home with their spouses, it has emerged.
For decades pubs were a valuable refuge for the married and miserable, but modern men no longer feel that evenings at home with their life partner are a fate to be avoided at all costs.
Publican Stephen Malley says: “People think that it’s high staff wages that’s closing pubs. Couldn’t be further from the truth. It’s bloody women’s fault, as usual.”
“When I took over The Horse and Cart thirty years ago, we were packed every weekday night. Men would clock off work and come straight in to moan about their wives who as far as I could tell they barely saw but loathed immensely.
“Now, even our regulars only pop in for one before saying they want to go home and see the missus. ‘Want to’, mind, not ‘have to’.
“The wives of old – the angry harridans brandishing a rolling pin – are gone. Now men see their wives as a person they like being with, watching telly with and talking to. Women have upped their game and it’s devastating the traditional British pub.”
Malley will retire after four decades as a landlord next month and his pub will close. He said: “Funnily enough, I remarried recently and I’d like to spend a bit more time with the wife myself. I’m a hypocrite, but I prefer her to some random pissed blokes.”
Six nondescript Northern towns misguided enough to have Tourist Information Centres
NOBODY but a resident or a Reform candidate dreaming of an MP’s salary would ever visit, but these two-stall market towns have Tourist Information Centres anyway. Why?
Garstang
Also covers five other regions and has the ‘Hidden gem’ seal of misery. Lists three local attractions, but if you’re not into farms, fishing, or flogging yourself over fells, you’re f**ked. Does have a Booths, a posh North-only supermarket chain the very existence of which would be unfathomable to Southerners. But not so much they’d want to check it out.
Batley
Like many other towns in the region, Batley’s attractions are something old and once industrial. There’s a museum, an interiors design outlet called Redbrick Mill in an old mill, and a place called The Mill that isn’t in an old mill. Expecting the Fox’s Biscuits Stadium to be the Yorkshire equivalent of the Wonka factory will lead to disappointment.
Accrington
Boasts the usual Northern tourist magnets: parks, an art gallery in an old house and a shopping arcade in an old mill. Accrington Stanley, one of the twelve founder members of the football league, has has survived by being on land not interesting enough to develop into a retail park. When said in Scouse, the town’s name conjures phlegm.
Northallerton
Located in a car park, Northallerton’s Tourist Information Centre provides visitors with fantastic reasons to leave Northallerton. Determined to stay? There’s an old house with gardens that isn’t yet a David Lloyd health club. Rishi Sunak’s the MP here. Tourist Information doesn’t know where, or if, he can be located.
Bolton
Is it in Lancashire, or Greater Manchester? Bolton doesn’t know. Largely empty, as most of its inhabitants populate mainstream TV and radio, visitors can hang about on Le Mans Crescent to be in the background on the latest Maxine Peake detective drama, or pretend to be Paddy McGuinness by going to Park Cake Bakeries and feigning interest.
Thirsk
The World of James Herriot, who wrote books about vets putting their arms up cow’s arses, is here. Cow not included. Otherwise you’ll be directed to the war memorial, a supposedly cursed and but to appearances very ordinary chair in the town museum, and to f**k off 36 miles south to York where there’s something to see.
Dad’s perfect spring day out is taking kids to industrial estate to buy car part
A FATHER’S ideal activity on a beautiful sunny day is taking his children to a series of industrial site and scrapyards so he can cheaply purchase a fuel pump housing.
Dad-of-two Joe Turner woke up, saw the sun streaming in, knew immediately what would be the best use of his and his family’s Saturday and went about making that dream a reality.
He said: “I’ve needed that housing for a month now, but the time just never felt right. But I think today’s the day.
“The kids didn’t have any specific plans – just stuff like ‘play out with my mates’ – so I piled them into the car and we drove 40 minutes to the dodgy bit of town and visited a back-alley warehouse called John’s Spares and Replacements.
“I wanted them to be safe, so I locked the car and turned off the air-con. They’ve got phones, though I found out later they hadn’t brought them. Still, it only took John 35 minutes to find he hadn’t got the one I needed.
“Then a mere two scrapyard visits where they churlishly refused to play with the snarling, chained Rottweilers, then home. At which point they ruined a lovely day by moaning to their mother.”
Son Jack said: “I asked if we could go to the park, and he remembered he was low on lawnmower blades, put us back into the car and went to Screwfix where he was gone for almost an hour.
“Bless him, he loves Screwfix.”
We ask you: What school would you send Prince George to?
THE 12-year-old heir to the throne is moving to big school, but which educational establishment should we pay the fees for him to attend?
Tom Booker, web editor: “My alma mater, Rayner Stephens High School in Dukinfield, which has been failing and shit for 40 years. Because it’s not like he needs qualifications.”
Helen Archer, cartographer: “It is deeply suspicious that even the Royals acknowledge Eton has too many twats to be worthwhile.”
Norman Steele, furrier: “What about one of those Steiner schools where they teach them to be creative and the like? I mean, if it’s good enough for Melinda Messenger’s kids.”
Jo Kramer, psychiatric nurse: “Kate seems to me the homeschooling type, what with her father-in-law leading his own church and her being mental.”
Margaret Gerving, retired: “When do they announce it? Only I don’t want my grandson going there. I’d like him to be in with a chance of being head boy.”
The Poke
Reform UK’s vile threat to put asylum-seeker detention centres in Green-run areas is pure, petty Trumpism in action – 21 full-throated objections
In their effort to be more Trump, the Reform Party is copying his petty policy of punishing areas that don’t vote for him. In Trump’s case, he has pulled funding from Democratic states and from bodies that are statistically more likely to help people in Dem areas. Reform hasn’t announced that policy yet, but they […]
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A man spied a giant conspiracy with this picture of a make-up free Sabrina Carpenter and was mocked into next year and back
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An American professor took issue with our plastic bottle tops and these A++ comebacks will make you proud to be European
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25 Funniest Threads Posts to Give Your Day a Lift
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Someone spotted an AI generated poster for canned goods in their local shop and it’s hilariously bizarre – 17 facepalms
Twitter user Alice was in her friend’s local shop when she spotted a poster advertising canned goods. At first glance it appears to be nothing out of the ordinary, but on closer inspection it’s a hilariously weird AI generated ‘artwork’ advertising some truly baffling groceries. Let’s take a look. Losing my mind at this AI […]
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