Trump Baselessly Claims He Is Viral 40-Pound Tabby Cat Named Daddy Cinnamon

WASHINGTON—Promoting the unfounded assertion in an effort to improve his polling, President Donald Trump baselessly claimed during a White House press conference Monday that he was a viral 40-pound tabby cat named “Daddy Cinnamon.” “Yes, that’s right, folks—I’m the adorable, adorable fluffy furball who has been crawling all over your social media feeds,” the commander-in-chief said before licking the back of his hand and letting out a playful mew. “I’m a big, big cat, and I need a tasty treat. Daddy Cinnamon wants all the kibble. The Democrats don’t want you to see me play with a feather, but I have millions of Instagram followers who do. If you want to purchase a mesh tank top with my face on it, you can visit my official merch store at daddycinnamon.biz.” According to reports, the president’s remarks ended abruptly when he began chasing a laser pointer around the press briefing room. The Onion.

Small Town’s Make-Out Point Purchased By Multinational Make-Out Conglomerate

FREDERICKTOWN, MO—In a move many residents of this tight-knit community say jeopardizes the beloved scenic hideaway, a multinational make-out conglomerate announced Tuesday that it had purchased the small town’s treasured make-out point. “Generations of us have enjoyed driving out to this secluded little perch for sucking face, and now this giant corporation wants to make it some sort of growth investment,” said longtime Fredericktown resident Diane Moseley, referring to the pledge of global cuddling concern Canoodle Inc. to boost heavy petting 40% on the bluff overlooking the St. Francis River by the end of the 2027 fiscal year. “This is an almost sacred place for us locals, but for this big out-of-town company, it’s just another strategic acquisition in their portfolio of tucked-away spots where teens can neck and maybe enjoy some over-the-bra touching. I guess that’s how the world works these days: An independent make-out point is doing fine helping teens get to second or maybe even third base, but then some greedy corporation swoops in to gobble it up.” At press time, the multinational had reportedly shuttered the make-out spot for failing to meet French-kissing targets, forcing local teens to travel to the already congested make-out spot in Poplar Bluff approximately 65 miles away. The Onion.

Rep. Max Miller: ‘I Refuse To Resign Over What My Wife Made Me Do’

The Onion.

U.S. Bans Foreign-Made Humanoid Robots

The FCC targeted China by banning the import of foreign-made humanoid robots, citing cybersecurity and national security concerns. What do you think? “Call me old fashioned, but I think foreign spies should be real human beings.” CJ Johnson, Caviar Canner “Guess I’ll spend Thanksgiving alone then.” Constantine Beyer, Brick Scrubber “Damn right. If it’s not from the U.S.A., it ain’t enslaving me.” Ivy Leffler, Tulip Importer The Onion.

Powerball By The Numbers

Many U.S.-based players have reportedly stopped purchasing Powerball tickets in spite of a growing jackpot, believing the odds of winning have plummeted amid the multistate lottery game’s recent expansion into the U.K. The Onion examines the key facts and figures behind Powerball. 1.2 Average number of years until winners miserable again 26 Brood size of the creature that lays the Powerballs 1998 First year women allowed to play Powerball 30 36 40 42 57 2 Previous winning numbers that are worthless to you now 1,705,882,352.94 Fluid ounces of Prego Roasted Garlic and Herb pasta sauce you could buy with a Powerball cash payout $1.1 billion What you’d have won if your kid was born two days later The Onion.

Dodgers Acquire Kal-El Of Krypton

LOS ANGELES, CA — In a stunning move to further bolster an already imposing starting lineup, the Los Angeles Dodgers announced shortly before Monday afternoon's trade deadline that the club had officially acquired Kal-El of Krypton.

James Talarico Tells Us His 9 Favorite Bible Verses

You may think you know the Bible, but boy does Texas Senate candidate James Talarico have news for you. There are so many incredible truths hidden in Scripture that Talarico has discovered, and it's his great delight to share those with the world.

WNBA Coaches Stumped As To What The ‘W’ Stands For

INDIANAPOLIS, IN — Coaches across the WNBA spoke to members of the press this week and admitted that they had no idea what the "W" in WNBA stands for.

Dad Tells Son He Can't Play Catch Right Now As He's Busy Owning Some Loser On The Internet

TUCSON, AZ — Local father Mark Howell told his son this week that he couldn't come play catch with him because someone was saying something dumb online that needed immediate attention.

Democrats Express Concern Over Increase In Gun Violence Against Active Shooters

U.S. — Democratic leaders expressed deep concern about the growing scourge of gun violence against active shooters.

5 Reasons To Love Summer (NO AI)

We are proud to announce that no AI was used whatsoever when writing this list of reasons to love summer. 1. It’s hot out. Normally before writing, we’d Google this topic to see what other people have said to make sure we’re adding something new to the conversation. However, it’s pretty hard to avoid Google’s AI overview these days, and we don’t want that to influence what we write, so we’re just going with our first thoughts on this list, which is that summer is hot, which is why summer is great. Don’t like it? Kiss our perfectly ethical rumps! 2. There’s sunshine! When summer’s here, you can finally shake off the winter blues and get out in the beaitiful sunshine! FYI, we messed up typing that, and “beaitiful” automatically corrected to the proper spelling of “beautiful.” Obviously spell-check and autocorrect type of stuff has been around for a while, but it definitely seems like it could be using AI to catch those mistakes, so because we’re not taking any chances we changed it right back to beaitiful. REMINDER: NO AI WAS USED HERE! 3. Did somebody say BEACH BALLS? Nobody did, but if they had, it would’ve been a human, because this list is 100-percent human generated. And beach balls are such an epic part of summer! They’re inflatable balls that you can play with at the pool or beach, and that makes us love summer. Honestly we doubt AI has ever even touched a beach ball. Not sure how that would even work! 4. You can reconnect with nature.  Summer isn’t a time to be in the house—it’s a time to reconnect with nature. And look, we know that sentence construction is extremely characteristic of AI, but we actually wrote it ourselves. And we’re not going to change our writing style because computers have co-opted it—we’re going to change it because we decide to do so. And we don’t. Got a problem? Kiss our ethical rumps once more! 5. Swimming.  Swimming is an amazing thing you can do in the summer, and you can still do it because AI hasn’t drained all the world’s water, or whatever is happening or going to happen with that. We didn’t contribute to that though, because this wasn’t written by a computer, but instead four humans who each make $32,500 a year. Now get outside and enjoy the weather! Happy summer!

Fuck Yeah: Hanukkah In June

No fucking way we’re waiting until December. Hanukkah is now in June, baby! It’s Hanukkah in June! Light the menorah, don your swimsuit, and get ready to celebrate eight days of summertime fun! When the weather gets warm, it’s time for Hanukkah! We’re going to spin dreidels while kicking back poolside! Throw some latkes on the BBQ! There’s plenty of Manischewitz in the cooler! Leave your parka in storage, friend! It’s Hanukkah in June! Uh-oh, looks like the rabbi got a sunburn! Hey, rebbe, slap some SPF 50 on there before you sizzle like a sufganiyah! Nice, a reggae band is here to play “Ma’oz Tzur”! Hanukat hamizbe’ah, compadres! Light some fireworks with the shamash! Badass! Wooooooo! Hanukkah in June! We’re never fuckin’ going back!

Innovative: ‘The New York Times’ Has Announced Their Subscriptions Will Now Be Billed On A Sliding Scale Based On How Likely Someone Is To Remember That They’re Still Being Billed For ‘The New York Times’

As companies struggle to find profitable revenue models in the ever-changing digital landscape, one iconic journalistic entity is pursuing a novel and logical solution: The New York Times has announced their subscriptions will now be billed on a sliding scale based on how likely someone is to remember that they’re still being billed for the New York Times.  Hey, that’s actually pretty smart!  In an unassuming email sent out at 3 a.m. on a Sunday night (likely in the hopes that many subscribers would never open it), The New York Times quietly announced that access to The New York Times will now be billed on a sliding scale, ranging from $0.32 to $23,000 a month depending on how likely the subscriber is to remember that they’re paying for it.  If you’ve ever tried to cancel your New York Times subscription only to be offered a much lower rate to continue, you know these subscription fees were already quite malleable, but this new model takes their seemingly arbitrary pricing to the extreme. People who are hyper-aware they are paying for The New York Times—such as those who play Wordle first thing at 6 a.m. before they even get out of bed and those who frequently share NYT links to Facebook with the caption, “Great article in today’s Times!”— will receive the lowest rates to ensure they don’t cancel their subscriptions when they realize they can barely afford groceries or get demoted at work. People least likely to realize they’re still paying for The New York Times, such as old people with dementia, dead people, and people who have so many subscriptions that they just expect hundreds of dollars to leave their bank account monthly for reasons they can’t remember, will be completely gouged by subscription rates many multiples of their mortgage payments.  This is definitely an idea whose time has come.  Look, the days of getting a newspaper delivered to your porch and therefore having a constant reminder that you’re paying for The New York Times are over, so it’s time for the Times to fully exploit the fact that people don’t know what the fuck they’re paying for half the time. Hopefully this innovative pricing model allows The New York Times to survive another 175 years, even if it means your grandma is paying $8,000 a month for it despite not even knowing her username and password to log in to the site.

Refreshing Transparency: Trump’s Next Physical Will Be Performed In Front Of A Live Audience At Madison Square Garden

Under President Trump, government transparency is all but nonexistent. That’s what makes his administration’s latest decision so unexpectedly refreshing: Trump’s next physical will be performed in front of a live audience at Madison Square Garden.  Wow. Hey, if it takes indulging Trump’s penchant for showmanship to have a more honest and open executive office, we’ll take it! As the President enters his 80s with his health under greater scrutiny than ever, Trump is setting out to prove he’s of sound body and mind by undergoing a Presidential Physical live on stage, in the round, at Madison Square Garden. The MSG-hosted event was announced at a press conference this morning, where President Trump explained that Dr. Sean Barbarella, the current Physician to the President, will examine every inch of his body and test his mental acuity for the 20,000 spectators lucky enough to score a ticket—which sold out minutes after going on sale, with front-row seats priced at $1,000,000 each.  “You’re gonna see every inch of my body and brain on the MSG jumbotron, and you’re gonna say, ‘boy, that’s a healthy person, we saw it all, what an honest and transparent president Trump is,’ and it’ll be true, because it is true, and the proof will be right there in the World’s Most Famous Arena,” said President Trump, before boasting about his physical selling out MSG in minutes, when “President Biden’s Live Presidential Physical couldn’t even sell out Union Pool in Williamsburg,” an event that fact-checkers quickly proved never happened. “There will be an encore. A big one. We’re keeping it a surprise. It’s a dental check-up.” While Trump’s physical is the headliner event, the lineup also features an opening colonoscopy of Health Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr., an autism screening of RFK Jr. that will take place at the same time he’s getting the colonoscopy, and FBI Director Kash Patel reading the Wikipedia page for “Pap smear” at intermission. Say what you will about Trump, but this is a huge step towards repairing public trust in government.  No matter what the results of Trump’s physical exam are, Americans will get to see it with their own eyes, instead of taking Trump at his word. Props to the President for setting a new standard for government transparency!

Fucking Brutal: You Just Made A Joke While Out To Dinner, And The Table Next To You Cracked Up At The Same Time, And You Thought They Were Laughing At Your Great Joke So You Proudly Turned To Them, Which They Didn’t Notice Because They Weren’t Actually Laughing At You – Just Something They’d Said At The Same Time – But Everyone At Your Table Saw You Turn, So Now They Know You Thought Those People Were Laughing At You, Even Though No One At Your Own Table Was Laughing, Because Your Joke Wasn’t Actually All That Good

So Now Not Only Do The People At Your Own Table Think You’re Unfunny, They Also Probably Think You’re A Loser, Because They Saw The Big Smile On Your Face When You Thought The Other Table Was Cracking Up At What You Said, And You Could See The Pity In Their Eyes While You Realized What Was Really Happening, And God, It’s That Pity That Feels Worst Of All – Silence At A Joke You Can Handle, That’s Nothing, That’s Fine, But When Someone Looks At You With Eyes That Say “Aw, You Don’t Even Know You’re Pathetic” It’s Reason Enough To Get Up And Walk Into The Sea Or At Least A Big Lake Frankly Had The Other Table Actually Heard You, They Probably Would’ve Laughed, Because You Can Just Tell They Have A Better Vibe Than The People At Your Own Table Who Obviously Want To Hold You Back Or Limit Your Boundless Creativity Or Make You Feel Like A Stupid Baby Just For Trying To Entertain Them With Your Insights And Quips, And You Should Go Sit At The Other Table, They Have Better Style Than Your So-Called Friends And They’re Discussing Art, Which Isn’t Something You Know About, But It Would Be If You Surrounded Yourself With A Different Type Of Person Because That’s Another Thing, No One’s Cultured Anymore, Everyone’s Hobby Is Just Scrolling Through Bikini Photos Of Their Acquaintances, College Students Can’t Make It Through The Classics, Not That You Did Either, But Your Reason Was That You Didn’t Want To Read Them, Not That You Physically Couldn’t, And Society Is Backsliding Into An Oral Culture, Which Is Especially Bad For You Since No One Seems To Like What You Say, And Because You Don’t Even Have That Good Of A Memory (Really Just Because You’re Not A Good Listener) When Your Parents Die, You Won’t Remember Their Stories, And Only When It’s Too Late Will You Realize You Never Really Loved Anyone But Yourself But Maybe It’s Not Too Late, You’re Still Young After All, You Can Show Up For The People In Your Life, You Can Make Them Feel Seen, You Shouldn’t Wait For Your Them To Invite You To Dinner, In Fact, You Should Cook For Them, Have Them Over, Get Some Wine That’s Only Room Temperature If It Should Be, Really Clean Your Toilet, Make A Real Recipe Not Just Pasta With Whatever, And Listen, Really Listen, Because Honestly – Honestly – Your Joke Was Hilarious, Your Friends Just Didn’t Laugh At It Because They Needed To Teach You This Lesson, And Now That You’ve Learned It, You Can Say The Joke Again, Yes, Go On, Say It Again, Loud And Proud, Because You Are The Second Coming To Lisa Lampanelli, You Are A Brilliant Genius Who Loves Life And Life Loves You Back!

Americans begin thanking troops for future service

WASHINGTON — With U.S. forces once again exchanging strikes with Iran while officials continue insisting they are not seeking a wider war, Americans have begun thanking service members for their future service.The new greeting has spread rapidly through airports, gas stations, grocery stores, and chain restaurants near military installations.“Thanks for your future service,” said one cashier at Buc-ee's after ringing up an Army specialist's beef jerky, Zyn, and energy drinks. “You know... just in case.”Defense officials acknowledged the trend had become increasingly common.“We're not saying there will be another major deployment,” one Pentagon spokesman said. “We're just saying if there is, statistically speaking, it'll probably involve the same people buying Tornados at Love's Travel Stops today.”Military planners denied the United States was preparing for another prolonged conflict in the Middle East while quietly directing every airborne brigade to ensure all duffel bags remained “deployment ready indefinitely.”“We've had our gear packed for so long the compression straps have compression straps,” said Sgt. 1st Class Roberto Moreno of the 82nd Airborne Division. “At this point I don't even unpack. I just rotate socks.”Not everyone appreciated the new expression.Pfc. Kyle Whitford, who joined the Texas Army National Guard believing the wars were finally over, said the phrase had become increasingly unsettling.“I enlisted to help pay for college,” Whitford said. “Then the gas station lady thanked me for my future service, the cashier at Lowe's asked if I'd been issued desert boots yet, and my mom started introducing me as 'our next generation of combat veteran.'”

Pentagon limits combat casualties to normal business hours

ARLINGTON, Va. — The Pentagon announced Tuesday that U.S. combat casualties will now only be recognized during normal government business hours after officials determined that wars had become increasingly difficult to manage across multiple spreadsheets.The new guidance follows the Department of Defense decision to remove four soldiers killed during renewed fighting with Iran from Operation Epic Fury’s official casualty count and place them under a separate category titled “Overseas Operations.”Officials defended the move by noting the four soldiers were killed after Operation Epic Fury had officially ended, despite being killed by the same enemy, in the same region, during the same war military officials continue to describe as a ceasefire that, nevertheless, still involves a substantial amount of fire.“Americans deserve accurate reporting,” Chief Pentagon Spokesman Sean Parnell said. “That’s why we’re aligning casualty reporting with established federal business practices.”Effective immediately, personnel killed between 9 a.m. and 5 p.m. Eastern time, Monday through Friday, excluding federal holidays, will remain eligible for classification as killed in action.Deaths occurring outside that window will receive “the operational designation most appropriate for the department’s current messaging needs.”“These brave Americans still died serving their country,” Parnell said. “We’re simply enhancing transparency by ensuring every death is assigned to the correct spreadsheet.”Under the revised guidance, weekend deaths will be classified as Hostile Workplace Incidents, while fatalities during ceasefires will be categorized as Ceasefire-Adjacent Workplace Violence pending review by the Office of Strategic Narrative Alignment.Additional categories include:Operational Pause MishapFederal Holiday Kinetic OccurrencePatriotism After HoursAdministrative KIAPending Timecard ApprovalThe policy has reportedly left casualty assistance officers struggling to explain the distinctions to grieving families.“My husband was killed when an Iranian missile hit his base,” said Melissa Carter, whose husband, an Army captain, died in Jordan. “The casualty officer told me he wasn’t killed during the operation because the operation had already transitioned into an overseas administrative posture.”“Am I still allowed to tell people he was killed in action, or was it technically workplace violence?”One Gold Star father said the government had provided his family with four different descriptions of his son’s death.“The death certificate says hostile action,” he said. “The chaplain says he made the ultimate sacrifice. The Pentagon database says ‘Overseas Operations.’ Public affairs says he was lost during a period of enhanced operational restraint.”“I just need to know what to tell my grandson.”At Arlington National Cemetery, workers reportedly spent Tuesday marking graves with sticky notes reading “Pending Reclassification.”Officials said the cemetery had also been ordered to disinter service members whose deaths no longer qualified as part of Operation Epic Fury and temporarily relocate them to a new section designated “Other Overseas Administrative Events.”The Army Corps of Engineers briefly considered attaching stickers to the affected headstones reading “Not Counted During Initial Operational Phase,” but abandoned the proposal after lawyers warned it could produce “unhelpful optics.”Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth insisted the department remained committed to honoring every American who serves.“No one is hiding casualties,” Hegseth said. “We’re organizing them into categories that better reflect operational realities, statutory authorities, and whole-of-government messaging.”Officials said the Pentagon is also asking adversaries to conduct future attacks during standard federal business hours whenever operationally feasible.“It significantly reduces the administrative burden,” one official said. “Plus, anything after 5 qualifies for overtime.”At press time, Pentagon planners were determining whether troops wounded after normal business hours should seek medical attention immediately or simply clock back in the following morning.

DoD reclassifies sexual assault as 'flirting' under new policy

WASHINGTON — The Department of Defense has officially reclassified sexual harassment and assault as “flirting” under a new policy intended to improve morale and produce an immediate decline in reportable incidents.“We took a hard look at the data and realized the real issue wasn’t the harassment or assault,” said Pentagon spokesman Lt. Col. Bradley Ford. “It was the terminology.”“By adjusting the language, we can dramatically reduce sexual misconduct without changing anyone’s behavior,” Ford added. “That’s what we call measurable progress.”According to officials familiar with the policy, senior Pentagon leaders developed the new framework after concluding that continued reports of sexual misconduct were “creating negative perceptions of the force.”Sources said officials considered increasing staffing, strengthening independent investigations, and holding commanders accountable before determining those measures would be “resource-intensive and potentially disruptive.”“There was some discussion about real accountability,” said one staff officer. “But that sounded punitive, and we’re trying to create a positive command climate.”The new Flirting Spectrum includes several categories:Mild flirting: Previously known as inappropriate workplace comments.Passionate flirting: Previously known as unwanted touching.Career-ending flirting: Reserved primarily for E-7s and below.The memorandum states that senior officers accused of career-ending flirting may instead receive “performance-based counseling, temporary telework, and a thorough review of their retirement timeline.”To implement the policy, the department has introduced a mandatory 223-slide training presentation featuring scenarios designed to help service members distinguish between misconduct and “aggressive relationship-building.”One slide reportedly depicts a senior officer making suggestive comments to a subordinate beneath the caption: “Professional banter or career enhancement opportunity?”Reactions across the force have been mixed.“I think it clears up a lot,” said Sgt. 1st Class Chad Benson. “I used to worry that telling a female lieutenant she needed a strong NCO in her life might create an EO issue. Now I understand I’m just building trust.”Navy Capt. Lisa Rodriguez was less enthusiastic.“My commander asked whether I was single, then assigned me to organize a mud-wrestling event for Sexual Assault Awareness Month,” Rodriguez said while preparing her resignation packet. “He’s married.”Pentagon officials said additional terminology updates are under consideration, including reclassifying toxic leadership as “high-intensity mentorship” and fraud, waste, and abuse as “creative resource allocation.”Officials also confirmed that Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth had requested a legal review of “plural marriage options for high-performing leaders.”Asked how service members should raise concerns under the new policy, Ford said the existing process remained unchanged.“We take every allegation seriously,” he said. “Complaints should be submitted through the chain of command and will be ignored in the order received.”

Fat Leonard releases sex tape as part of presidential pardon campaign

LOMPOC, Calif. — Convicted defense contractor Leonard Glenn Francis, better known as “Fat Leonard,” released a sex tape this week as part of what associates described as an increasingly aggressive campaign to secure a presidential pardon.The former military contractor, whose decade-long bribery scheme ensnared dozens of senior Navy officers, said Americans had entered “a new era of forgiveness” in which corruption, fraud, and public disgrace were no longer automatic barriers to political redemption.“Have you seen who's getting pardoned these days?” Leonard asked reporters. “Frankly, I'm starting to feel overqualified.”Francis is serving a 15-year sentence at the federal prison in Lompoc and is reportedly seeking either a pardon or commutation, citing Stage 4 kidney cancer and concerns that he may not survive until his expected release.According to sources close to Francis, the pardon campaign has included handwritten letters to the White House, several appearances on conservative podcasts, a proposed memoir titled Everybody Took the Bribes But Me, and, now, the release of what Leonard called “a character reference in video form.”“The public's memory is short,” Leonard said. “Besides, if you're trying to get a pardon in America today, a sex tape barely cracks the top ten.”Francis also reportedly argued that his 2022 escape from house arrest should count in his favor. After cutting off his ankle monitor, he crossed into Mexico, chartered a flight to Cuba, continued to Venezuela, and was arrested while attempting to travel onward to Russia.“Those are executive leadership skills,” Francis said. “Initiative, international diplomacy, private aviation. Put that on one of those presidential fitness tests and I’m off the charts.”The recording, reportedly filmed aboard Leonard's yacht during the height of the Navy's "Fat Leonard" scandal, features the contractor in several compromising situations with multiple unidentified guests, several of whom investigators believe may still hold security clearances.Retired Navy Capt. Thomas Mercer was unsurprised by the move.“This is a guy who watched people convicted of corruption, tax crimes, political fraud, and Jan. 6 offenses receive clemency and concluded, 'You know what? I've got a shot.'”“He escaped federal custody, tried to reach Russia, and still owes the government roughly $30 million. At this point, the sex tape may be the least controversial part of his application.”

Pentagon unveils technology to hide fat generals from Hegseth

FREE EDITIONYou're reading the free version of Duffel Blog. Paid supporters get every story we publish, the Sunday Reader, our 4,200-article archive, and deep discounts in the Duffel PX. We are ad-free and reader-supported. THE PENTAGON — Pentagon officials unveiled a new suite of technologies this week designed to prevent Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth from ever seeing an overweight general officer, following his declaration that their physical appearance was “completely unacceptable.” “It's completely unacceptable to see fat generals and admirals walking the halls of the Pentagon or leading commands around the world,” Hegseth said during a recent address to senior leaders. According to officials, those comments triggered one of the fastest acquisition efforts in recent Defense Department history. “The Department has a long tradition of taking senior leadership both seriously and literally,” Chairman of the Joint Chiefs Gen. Dan Caine said. “Within hours we had authorized emergency no-bid contracts for anything capable of preventing the secretary from seeing overweight O-7s and above.” The centerpiece of the effort is a new augmented reality system known as Petey Rays, a modified version of the Ray-Ban Meta smart glasses. Using facial recognition software tied to classified personnel databases, the glasses automatically identify general and flag officers before digitally reducing their waistlines until they appear “within standards.” “The software doesn't actually make anyone thinner,” a Meta spokesman explained. “It simply replaces reality with one that's more consistent with the secretary's expectations.” Following initial testing, each military service reportedly updated its height-and-weight procedures to require personnel screening general officers to wear Petey Rays throughout the evaluation. “The glasses don't just slim the general,” the spokesman said. “They also adjust... Paid subscriber dispatch The rest of this article is for paid members You’ve made it this far. Might as well finish the briefing. Continue reading → Also included with membership: Every Duffel Blog story The complete archive Exclusive newsletters and features The satisfaction of funding the only news outlet that has never once lied to you about anything

Popular middle-aged man has three friends

A SOCIAL butterfly of a 41-year-old claims to know three whole people he can readily classify as friends. Thanks to his gregarious lifestyle of working in an office and monthly pub visits, Joe Turner has amassed a large, close-knit social circle consisting of three people he broadly tolerates. He said: “Apparently there’s a male loneliness epidemic? I wouldn’t know. My magnetic personality has drawn three mates towards me over four decades, and I see them up to four times a year. “I met Steve when we shared the same table at lunch, Jimmy is an old school friend, and the third is my wife’s best mate’s husband. We’re pretty close. I think he’s called Matt. “We meet up once every few months to talk about films we didn’t enjoy and complain about the price of petrol. Separately, of course. All four at once would be overwhelming. There wouldn’t be time for any silences. “Once I did try befriending a fourth bloke but realised it was too much. I barely had a month clear to myself. Also when he found out I already had three friends he called me a whore. He added: “To be honest I’m thinking of scaling down to two. Better a couple of close pals than a load of superficial ones, and I think Steve might be a toxic fake bitch.”

Scottish student would trade all his so-called ‘Highers’ for one honest A-level

A SCOTTISH student has admitted he would swap every ‘Higher’ he achieves today for a simple, honest A-level.  As 18-year-olds north of the border receive their National 5, Higher and Advanced Higher results, Will McKay confessed the whole lot of them do not add up to so much as an A-level in textile design from Stoke-on-Trent College. He continued: “My mother’s proud. She’s lived in Stirling all her life. She has no comprehension of how parochial an achievement this is. “Like Scottish banknotes, up here my qualifications are worth something. But present them to anyone south of Leeds and you’ll be laughed at, cruelly, in English accents. “Imagine going to even as lowly an institution as De Montfort University and saying ‘Please sir, I have three As and two Bs but in Highers, which are like A-levels but not them, may I come in?’ Imagine the sneer of contempt as they ejected me. “These Highers are a prison. They mean you’ll never be able to leave Scotland. It’s indentured slavery for Celts. Today, I achieve excellent results and condemn myself forever.” First minister John Swinney said: “And university’s free. We know how to keep our young trapped. Though some do run away with Edinburgh Fringe shows.”

Mum advising against motherhood a little too forcefully

A WOMAN discouraging her daughter from having children appears to be speaking from bitter personal experience.  Hannah Tomlinson, aged 31, asked mother Diane when she felt ready to be a parent and the response was ‘a recruitment campaign for infertility’. She said: “Mum told me to take my time and think about it, but her face told a less calm story until it blurted out ‘it’s like volunteering to spend 18 years as a hostage.’ “With only a brief tour through the spectacular damage to her pelvic floor, she then toured through cracked nipples, sleep deprivation, sex deprivation, watching The Amazing World of Gumball hungover, and ‘piss. So much piss. Years of piss.’ “I was asked to imagine negotiating with someone cretinous enough to refuse good food in favour of Play-Doh. An incident I actually remember. ‘The precious gift of my life was summed up as ‘joy, fulfilment and a profound understanding of why some animals eat their young’. Apparently once she left me and my brother at Keele Services, but made herself turn back.” Diane said: “This is a photo of me holding me when you were born. You can’t change your mind. No matter how much you beg they won’t let you.”

Command the Royal Navy and stop the dinghies: A tabletop game for gammons

TABLETOP gaming is popular and older men need an evening activity to keep them red-faced and angry. So why not take on small boats with the Navy as Reform intends? Instructions: Roll a six-sided die as many times as is required. Dice with larger numbers of sides are available, but came along after 1979 so are suspect. For miniatures, use an Airfix destroyer and ‘dinghies’ snipped from a rubber glove. Roll 4-6 to launch Let battle commence! Except Royal Navy destroyers can’t be launched as rapidly as small rubber boats, so a lengthy series of systems tests must be completed. Twiddle your thumbs for five hours. Engage the enemy  You have visual contact with the dinghies but the Admiralty, because they’re woke, are reluctant to authorise war crimes so you must roll four sixes for permission to engage. If you succeed, jump to ‘Begin attack!’. If you fail, continue to: Boring humanitarian mission  You send out a launch to collect the migrants. Roll 1-3 to help each one on board your destroyer, 5-6 to attempt to take their name, 1-6 to give them a blanket, and 4-6 to send them to the sick bay if necessary. Repeat this 37 times for each migrant. Tabletop gaming has never been so realistic. Begin attack! Roll 1-5 to launch torpedoes  Spearfish torpedoes with 300kg warheads are unleashed. Unfortunately they’re not designed for attacking flimsy rubber boats, so roll three sixes for them to detonate. Otherwise they just bump the dinghies and disappear into the North Sea. That cost you 24 million quid. Open fire with your main gun  This is more like it. Roll 1-6 to fire your 4.5 inch Mark 8 gun loaded with high explosive shells. Now roll more dice to calculate the damage to each dinghy. A score of 1-6 indicates they’ve been atomised. Naval combat doesn’t get more exciting than this! Machine-gun survivors A frequently expressed right-wing fantasy. However it’s pretty chilling even as a tabletop gaming move, so roll four sixes to confirm you have the unusual level of psychopathy required to give this order. Be charged with crimes against humanity On returning to port you are immediately suspended and told you’re being charged with crimes against humanity by the Hague. Will prime minister Farage intervene and get you off the hook? Only if you roll nine sixes every day for a year. Good luck!

Cambridge professor makes so many wild claims he’s headhunted by Reform

Nigel Farage said it had been an honour to be Clacton’s MP – then his work record entered the chat

Reform UK is throwing everything its got at the Clacton by-election, since it’s supposedly going to deliver the real verdict on whether Farage was wrong to keep quiet about the £5 million gift from Thailand-based crypto billionaire Christopher Harborne. Actually, the Parliamentary Standards Comissioner will make that decision, but the by-election has bought Farage a […] The Poke.

25 Funniest Threads Posts to Give Your Day a Lift

Welcome, or welcome back, to our weekly round-up of the funniest things Threads has offered up. If you have an account over there, show your favourites some love with a share, a like, or a follow. 1. View on Threads 2. View on Threads 3. View on Threads 4. View on Threads 5. View on […] The Poke.

Donald Trump said he ‘knows Europe better than the people who run it’, and the chinny reckon was visible from space

Fresh from winning two golf awards in one day at – surprise, surprise – his own golf resort, Donald Trump has been out there making sure the world knows that he’s not just a pretty face, a top athlete, and a stable genius – he’s also an expert on Europe. Trump: "I know Europe better […] The Poke.

Jeremy Clarkson’s idea for benefits claimants to write thank you letters to random taxpayers went down like an inheritance tax demand on a farm

In news that will shock precisely nobody, Jeremy Clarkson has come up with a hot take somewhere to the right of Genghis Khan, which displays a spectacular failure to understand the benefits system, plays to the baying mob, and scores full marks for hypocrisy. In his Times column, he explained that the expense and difficulty […] The Poke.

Laila Cunningham tried to brush off Nigel Farage’s historically low popularity rating, but Victoria Derbyshire had a brutal fact-check for the ages

It’s little more than a week to the Clacton by-election, which came about because Nigel Farage really needed a distraction from the mounting financial scandals closing in on him and his Reform UK colleagues. They include – The £5 million given to Farage by a crypto billionaire Several payments made to the party, Farage, and […] The Poke.