The Onion
Pentagon Declassifies Files On Blimps
ARLINGTON, VA—In what may be the largest-ever disclosure of government data concerning the mysterious aerial phenomena, Pentagon officials announced Wednesday they had begun releasing a trove of formerly classified files on blimps.
“These strange, balloon-like anomalies have captivated the public imagination for decades,” chief Pentagon spokesperson Sean Parnell said of the unusually bulbous vessels officially known as Unidentified Floating Objects but colloquially referred to as “blimps” or “flying sausages.” “Under President Donald J. Trump’s bold leadership, the Department of War will act immediately and expeditiously to find, review, identify, declassify, and publicly release blimp-related records and historical documents in the federal government’s possession.”
“While previous administrations have failed to provide transparency on this matter, President Trump has chosen to let the American people decide for themselves what to believe about the football-shaped enigmas in their skies,” Parnell added.
The initial tranche of declassified documents—containing hundreds of never-before-seen photos, videos, and written accounts—has been made available at war.gov/blimp, where the department has pledged to release additional files on a rolling basis as part of its promise to “provide American truth seekers with unfiltered blimp information.”
Included in the online archive are images that seem to show the “finned egg” form of blimp most famously depicted in the 1985 blimp film A View To A Kill. There are also a handful of cockpit videos from U.S. airmen of what appear to be rigid-bodied “Zeppelin”-style blimps. Despite a lack of visible wings or rotors, these blimps hover in place before slowly lumbering off at what analysts have described as “aeronautically impossible” trajectories.
“The new files prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that we are not alone in the troposphere,” said David Simmons, an author of several books on blimps who told reporters his fascination stems from a 1986 childhood incident during which he believes he saw one hovering over Dodger Stadium. “There are clearly entities aboard these blimps observing humanity and collecting data on our ball sports and automobile races, though it remains to be seen if they are hostile invaders assessing our capabilities or benevolent guardians shepherding our development.”
“We deserve to know the truth,” he continued. “Regardless of whether this is an extraterrestrial visitor or just some kind of advanced floating technology the Chinese have developed, we have reason to be very, very concerned.”
A recent poll conducted by the Pew Research Center found that 98% of U.S. residents believe in the existence of blimps. Around 6% claim to have been taken aboard a blimp in their lifetime, with one in five of those respondents indicating that elements of their encounter with the blimp’s occupants had been sexual in nature.
Among the newly released files, amateur blimpologists have expressed particular interest in photos that depict metallic debris taken from the site of the 1937 Manchester Township Incident, during which a huge elongated object allegedly crashed into a New Jersey airfield. The event is often credited with birthing the blimp conspiracy-theory community, members of which criticized the Pentagon this week for what they called its deliberate omission of any evidence of the “mustachioed, humanoid bodies” rumored to have been recovered from the crash site by government agents.
“If the government thinks they can shut us up with a handful of murky radar images of what are obviously weather balloons, they’ve got another thing coming,” said self-described civilian investigator Jeremy “Kid Aquarius” Luce, who dismissed the Trump administration’s actions as a so-called “limited hangout,” a selective release of files meant to obscure the full extent of the government’s knowledge of—and possible dealings with—blimps. “It’s all a massive coverup. The G-men have been trying to sweep it under the rug so that whoever’s in those blimps can keep calling the shots from the shadows. But people like me are on to them. You really think we invented things like computers, nuclear bombs, or hot-air balloons on our own? Get real. Most of our modern technology was either given to us by blimp riders or reverse-engineered from blimp crash sites.”
He added, “Until the Pentagon shows me a functional blimp antigravity core or the vats of pickled blimp pilots under Area 51, I’ll believe what I believed a week ago: This government’s only showing us as much as those inside the blimps are letting them show.”
The Onion.
Shaman Named Dwayne
The Onion.
Stella Leonard
Park ranger Stella Leonard, 37, succumbed to her injuries Thursday after being mauled by a tourist.
The Onion.
New Evidence Suggests Dinosaurs Had Quinceañeras
BOZEMAN, MT—Upending long-held beliefs about how the prehistoric reptiles commemorated a juvenile female’s transition into adulthood, new evidence published Thursday by researchers at Montana State University suggests that dinosaurs had quinceañeras. “As we examined fossilized footprints in a traditional waltz pattern at dig sites across multiple continents, it became clear that dinosaurs did in fact throw lavish 15th birthday parties for their female offspring, usually with friends and extended family members present,” said paleontologist Edwin Scanlon, who cited the prevalence of petrified las últimas muñecas in sedimentary rock layers and observed that the practice of holding a Catholic mass to mark the 15-year-old’s emergence into Mesozoic society appears to have been common among tyrannosaurs, diplodocuses, and other dinosaurs. “There is a quite well-preserved specimen of a young female iguanodon in a tiara and an elegant dress that features floral appliqué, sequins, and lace. She appears to have been dancing with her father at the moment they were both buried in volcanic ash 125 million years ago.” The discovery follows a study published last year that revealed how dinosaurs evolved the complex vocal cords necessary to chant Torah portions at their bar mitzvahs.
The Onion.
Is Taking A GLP-1 Worth It?
As more Americans than ever turn to Ozempic and Wegovy for weight loss, consumers are becoming increasingly conscious of such drugs’ trade-offs. Here are the pros and cons of taking GLP-1s.
PRO
Always fun injecting something
More comfortable than ball gag
Creates enough loose skin to take flight
Average user finds over $20 in loose change in stomach folds
Gaunt appearance perfect for Jack Skellington cosplay
Can finally fit in electric chair
CON
Worked really hard to get “Bubba” nickname going
You’ll break Ma’s heart if you don’t finish that spaghetti
Constantly tripping over excess skin
Subcutaneous tissue already pretty full
Might go below 700-pound weight minimum mandated in TLC contract
Could lose Big Dude USA brand sponsorship
The Onion.
ClickHole
5 Reasons To Love Summer (NO AI)
We are proud to announce that no AI was used whatsoever when writing this list of reasons to love summer.
1. It’s hot out.
Normally before writing, we’d Google this topic to see what other people have said to make sure we’re adding something new to the conversation. However, it’s pretty hard to avoid Google’s AI overview these days, and we don’t want that to influence what we write, so we’re just going with our first thoughts on this list, which is that summer is hot, which is why summer is great. Don’t like it? Kiss our perfectly ethical rumps!
2. There’s sunshine!
When summer’s here, you can finally shake off the winter blues and get out in the beaitiful sunshine! FYI, we messed up typing that, and “beaitiful” automatically corrected to the proper spelling of “beautiful.” Obviously spell-check and autocorrect type of stuff has been around for a while, but it definitely seems like it could be using AI to catch those mistakes, so because we’re not taking any chances we changed it right back to beaitiful. REMINDER: NO AI WAS USED HERE!
3. Did somebody say BEACH BALLS?
Nobody did, but if they had, it would’ve been a human, because this list is 100-percent human generated. And beach balls are such an epic part of summer! They’re inflatable balls that you can play with at the pool or beach, and that makes us love summer. Honestly we doubt AI has ever even touched a beach ball. Not sure how that would even work!
4. You can reconnect with nature.
Summer isn’t a time to be in the house—it’s a time to reconnect with nature. And look, we know that sentence construction is extremely characteristic of AI, but we actually wrote it ourselves. And we’re not going to change our writing style because computers have co-opted it—we’re going to change it because we decide to do so. And we don’t. Got a problem? Kiss our ethical rumps once more!
5. Swimming.
Swimming is an amazing thing you can do in the summer, and you can still do it because AI hasn’t drained all the world’s water, or whatever is happening or going to happen with that. We didn’t contribute to that though, because this wasn’t written by a computer, but instead four humans who each make $32,500 a year. Now get outside and enjoy the weather! Happy summer!
Fuck Yeah: Hanukkah In June
No fucking way we’re waiting until December. Hanukkah is now in June, baby!
It’s Hanukkah in June! Light the menorah, don your swimsuit, and get ready to celebrate eight days of summertime fun!
When the weather gets warm, it’s time for Hanukkah! We’re going to spin dreidels while kicking back poolside!
Throw some latkes on the BBQ!
There’s plenty of Manischewitz in the cooler! Leave your parka in storage, friend! It’s Hanukkah in June!
Uh-oh, looks like the rabbi got a sunburn! Hey, rebbe, slap some SPF 50 on there before you sizzle like a sufganiyah!
Nice, a reggae band is here to play “Ma’oz Tzur”! Hanukat hamizbe’ah, compadres!
Light some fireworks with the shamash! Badass!
Wooooooo! Hanukkah in June! We’re never fuckin’ going back!
Innovative: ‘The New York Times’ Has Announced Their Subscriptions Will Now Be Billed On A Sliding Scale Based On How Likely Someone Is To Remember That They’re Still Being Billed For ‘The New York Times’
As companies struggle to find profitable revenue models in the ever-changing digital landscape, one iconic journalistic entity is pursuing a novel and logical solution: The New York Times has announced their subscriptions will now be billed on a sliding scale based on how likely someone is to remember that they’re still being billed for the New York Times.
Hey, that’s actually pretty smart!
In an unassuming email sent out at 3 a.m. on a Sunday night (likely in the hopes that many subscribers would never open it), The New York Times quietly announced that access to The New York Times will now be billed on a sliding scale, ranging from $0.32 to $23,000 a month depending on how likely the subscriber is to remember that they’re paying for it.
If you’ve ever tried to cancel your New York Times subscription only to be offered a much lower rate to continue, you know these subscription fees were already quite malleable, but this new model takes their seemingly arbitrary pricing to the extreme. People who are hyper-aware they are paying for The New York Times—such as those who play Wordle first thing at 6 a.m. before they even get out of bed and those who frequently share NYT links to Facebook with the caption, “Great article in today’s Times!”— will receive the lowest rates to ensure they don’t cancel their subscriptions when they realize they can barely afford groceries or get demoted at work. People least likely to realize they’re still paying for The New York Times, such as old people with dementia, dead people, and people who have so many subscriptions that they just expect hundreds of dollars to leave their bank account monthly for reasons they can’t remember, will be completely gouged by subscription rates many multiples of their mortgage payments.
This is definitely an idea whose time has come.
Look, the days of getting a newspaper delivered to your porch and therefore having a constant reminder that you’re paying for The New York Times are over, so it’s time for the Times to fully exploit the fact that people don’t know what the fuck they’re paying for half the time. Hopefully this innovative pricing model allows The New York Times to survive another 175 years, even if it means your grandma is paying $8,000 a month for it despite not even knowing her username and password to log in to the site.
Refreshing Transparency: Trump’s Next Physical Will Be Performed In Front Of A Live Audience At Madison Square Garden
Under President Trump, government transparency is all but nonexistent. That’s what makes his administration’s latest decision so unexpectedly refreshing: Trump’s next physical will be performed in front of a live audience at Madison Square Garden.
Wow. Hey, if it takes indulging Trump’s penchant for showmanship to have a more honest and open executive office, we’ll take it!
As the President enters his 80s with his health under greater scrutiny than ever, Trump is setting out to prove he’s of sound body and mind by undergoing a Presidential Physical live on stage, in the round, at Madison Square Garden. The MSG-hosted event was announced at a press conference this morning, where President Trump explained that Dr. Sean Barbarella, the current Physician to the President, will examine every inch of his body and test his mental acuity for the 20,000 spectators lucky enough to score a ticket—which sold out minutes after going on sale, with front-row seats priced at $1,000,000 each.
“You’re gonna see every inch of my body and brain on the MSG jumbotron, and you’re gonna say, ‘boy, that’s a healthy person, we saw it all, what an honest and transparent president Trump is,’ and it’ll be true, because it is true, and the proof will be right there in the World’s Most Famous Arena,” said President Trump, before boasting about his physical selling out MSG in minutes, when “President Biden’s Live Presidential Physical couldn’t even sell out Union Pool in Williamsburg,” an event that fact-checkers quickly proved never happened. “There will be an encore. A big one. We’re keeping it a surprise. It’s a dental check-up.”
While Trump’s physical is the headliner event, the lineup also features an opening colonoscopy of Health Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr., an autism screening of RFK Jr. that will take place at the same time he’s getting the colonoscopy, and FBI Director Kash Patel reading the Wikipedia page for “Pap smear” at intermission.
Say what you will about Trump, but this is a huge step towards repairing public trust in government.
No matter what the results of Trump’s physical exam are, Americans will get to see it with their own eyes, instead of taking Trump at his word. Props to the President for setting a new standard for government transparency!
Fucking Brutal: You Just Made A Joke While Out To Dinner, And The Table Next To You Cracked Up At The Same Time, And You Thought They Were Laughing At Your Great Joke So You Proudly Turned To Them, Which They Didn’t Notice Because They Weren’t Actually Laughing At You – Just Something They’d Said At The Same Time – But Everyone At Your Table Saw You Turn, So Now They Know You Thought Those People Were Laughing At You, Even Though No One At Your Own Table Was Laughing, Because Your Joke Wasn’t Actually All That Good
So Now Not Only Do The People At Your Own Table Think You’re Unfunny, They Also Probably Think You’re A Loser, Because They Saw The Big Smile On Your Face When You Thought The Other Table Was Cracking Up At What You Said, And You Could See The Pity In Their Eyes While You Realized What Was Really Happening, And God, It’s That Pity That Feels Worst Of All – Silence At A Joke You Can Handle, That’s Nothing, That’s Fine, But When Someone Looks At You With Eyes That Say “Aw, You Don’t Even Know You’re Pathetic” It’s Reason Enough To Get Up And Walk Into The Sea Or At Least A Big Lake
Frankly Had The Other Table Actually Heard You, They Probably Would’ve Laughed, Because You Can Just Tell They Have A Better Vibe Than The People At Your Own Table Who Obviously Want To Hold You Back Or Limit Your Boundless Creativity Or Make You Feel Like A Stupid Baby Just For Trying To Entertain Them With Your Insights And Quips, And You Should Go Sit At The Other Table, They Have Better Style Than Your So-Called Friends And They’re Discussing Art, Which Isn’t Something You Know About, But It Would Be If You Surrounded Yourself With A Different Type Of Person
Because That’s Another Thing, No One’s Cultured Anymore, Everyone’s Hobby Is Just Scrolling Through Bikini Photos Of Their Acquaintances, College Students Can’t Make It Through The Classics, Not That You Did Either, But Your Reason Was That You Didn’t Want To Read Them, Not That You Physically Couldn’t, And Society Is Backsliding Into An Oral Culture, Which Is Especially Bad For You Since No One Seems To Like What You Say, And Because You Don’t Even Have That Good Of A Memory (Really Just Because You’re Not A Good Listener) When Your Parents Die, You Won’t Remember Their Stories, And Only When It’s Too Late Will You Realize You Never Really Loved Anyone But Yourself
But Maybe It’s Not Too Late, You’re Still Young After All, You Can Show Up For The People In Your Life, You Can Make Them Feel Seen, You Shouldn’t Wait For Your Them To Invite You To Dinner, In Fact, You Should Cook For Them, Have Them Over, Get Some Wine That’s Only Room Temperature If It Should Be, Really Clean Your Toilet, Make A Real Recipe Not Just Pasta With Whatever, And Listen, Really Listen, Because Honestly – Honestly – Your Joke Was Hilarious, Your Friends Just Didn’t Laugh At It Because They Needed To Teach You This Lesson, And Now That You’ve Learned It, You Can Say The Joke Again, Yes, Go On, Say It Again, Loud And Proud, Because You Are The Second Coming To Lisa Lampanelli, You Are A Brilliant Genius Who Loves Life And Life Loves You Back!
Duffel Blog
Americans begin thanking troops for future service
WASHINGTON — With U.S. forces once again exchanging strikes with Iran while officials continue insisting they are not seeking a wider war, Americans have begun thanking service members for their future service.The new greeting has spread rapidly through airports, gas stations, grocery stores, and chain restaurants near military installations.“Thanks for your future service,” said one cashier at Buc-ee's after ringing up an Army specialist's beef jerky, Zyn, and energy drinks. “You know... just in case.”Defense officials acknowledged the trend had become increasingly common.“We're not saying there will be another major deployment,” one Pentagon spokesman said. “We're just saying if there is, statistically speaking, it'll probably involve the same people buying Tornados at Love's Travel Stops today.”Military planners denied the United States was preparing for another prolonged conflict in the Middle East while quietly directing every airborne brigade to ensure all duffel bags remained “deployment ready indefinitely.”“We've had our gear packed for so long the compression straps have compression straps,” said Sgt. 1st Class Roberto Moreno of the 82nd Airborne Division. “At this point I don't even unpack. I just rotate socks.”Not everyone appreciated the new expression.Pfc. Kyle Whitford, who joined the Texas Army National Guard believing the wars were finally over, said the phrase had become increasingly unsettling.“I enlisted to help pay for college,” Whitford said. “Then the gas station lady thanked me for my future service, the cashier at Lowe's asked if I'd been issued desert boots yet, and my mom started introducing me as 'our next generation of combat veteran.'”
Pentagon limits combat casualties to normal business hours
ARLINGTON, Va. — The Pentagon announced Tuesday that U.S. combat casualties will now only be recognized during normal government business hours after officials determined that wars had become increasingly difficult to manage across multiple spreadsheets.The new guidance follows the Department of Defense decision to remove four soldiers killed during renewed fighting with Iran from Operation Epic Fury’s official casualty count and place them under a separate category titled “Overseas Operations.”Officials defended the move by noting the four soldiers were killed after Operation Epic Fury had officially ended, despite being killed by the same enemy, in the same region, during the same war military officials continue to describe as a ceasefire that, nevertheless, still involves a substantial amount of fire.“Americans deserve accurate reporting,” Chief Pentagon Spokesman Sean Parnell said. “That’s why we’re aligning casualty reporting with established federal business practices.”Effective immediately, personnel killed between 9 a.m. and 5 p.m. Eastern time, Monday through Friday, excluding federal holidays, will remain eligible for classification as killed in action.Deaths occurring outside that window will receive “the operational designation most appropriate for the department’s current messaging needs.”“These brave Americans still died serving their country,” Parnell said. “We’re simply enhancing transparency by ensuring every death is assigned to the correct spreadsheet.”Under the revised guidance, weekend deaths will be classified as Hostile Workplace Incidents, while fatalities during ceasefires will be categorized as Ceasefire-Adjacent Workplace Violence pending review by the Office of Strategic Narrative Alignment.Additional categories include:Operational Pause MishapFederal Holiday Kinetic OccurrencePatriotism After HoursAdministrative KIAPending Timecard ApprovalThe policy has reportedly left casualty assistance officers struggling to explain the distinctions to grieving families.“My husband was killed when an Iranian missile hit his base,” said Melissa Carter, whose husband, an Army captain, died in Jordan. “The casualty officer told me he wasn’t killed during the operation because the operation had already transitioned into an overseas administrative posture.”“Am I still allowed to tell people he was killed in action, or was it technically workplace violence?”One Gold Star father said the government had provided his family with four different descriptions of his son’s death.“The death certificate says hostile action,” he said. “The chaplain says he made the ultimate sacrifice. The Pentagon database says ‘Overseas Operations.’ Public affairs says he was lost during a period of enhanced operational restraint.”“I just need to know what to tell my grandson.”At Arlington National Cemetery, workers reportedly spent Tuesday marking graves with sticky notes reading “Pending Reclassification.”Officials said the cemetery had also been ordered to disinter service members whose deaths no longer qualified as part of Operation Epic Fury and temporarily relocate them to a new section designated “Other Overseas Administrative Events.”The Army Corps of Engineers briefly considered attaching stickers to the affected headstones reading “Not Counted During Initial Operational Phase,” but abandoned the proposal after lawyers warned it could produce “unhelpful optics.”Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth insisted the department remained committed to honoring every American who serves.“No one is hiding casualties,” Hegseth said. “We’re organizing them into categories that better reflect operational realities, statutory authorities, and whole-of-government messaging.”Officials said the Pentagon is also asking adversaries to conduct future attacks during standard federal business hours whenever operationally feasible.“It significantly reduces the administrative burden,” one official said. “Plus, anything after 5 qualifies for overtime.”At press time, Pentagon planners were determining whether troops wounded after normal business hours should seek medical attention immediately or simply clock back in the following morning.
DoD reclassifies sexual assault as 'flirting' under new policy
WASHINGTON — The Department of Defense has officially reclassified sexual harassment and assault as “flirting” under a new policy intended to improve morale and produce an immediate decline in reportable incidents.“We took a hard look at the data and realized the real issue wasn’t the harassment or assault,” said Pentagon spokesman Lt. Col. Bradley Ford. “It was the terminology.”“By adjusting the language, we can dramatically reduce sexual misconduct without changing anyone’s behavior,” Ford added. “That’s what we call measurable progress.”According to officials familiar with the policy, senior Pentagon leaders developed the new framework after concluding that continued reports of sexual misconduct were “creating negative perceptions of the force.”Sources said officials considered increasing staffing, strengthening independent investigations, and holding commanders accountable before determining those measures would be “resource-intensive and potentially disruptive.”“There was some discussion about real accountability,” said one staff officer. “But that sounded punitive, and we’re trying to create a positive command climate.”The new Flirting Spectrum includes several categories:Mild flirting: Previously known as inappropriate workplace comments.Passionate flirting: Previously known as unwanted touching.Career-ending flirting: Reserved primarily for E-7s and below.The memorandum states that senior officers accused of career-ending flirting may instead receive “performance-based counseling, temporary telework, and a thorough review of their retirement timeline.”To implement the policy, the department has introduced a mandatory 223-slide training presentation featuring scenarios designed to help service members distinguish between misconduct and “aggressive relationship-building.”One slide reportedly depicts a senior officer making suggestive comments to a subordinate beneath the caption: “Professional banter or career enhancement opportunity?”Reactions across the force have been mixed.“I think it clears up a lot,” said Sgt. 1st Class Chad Benson. “I used to worry that telling a female lieutenant she needed a strong NCO in her life might create an EO issue. Now I understand I’m just building trust.”Navy Capt. Lisa Rodriguez was less enthusiastic.“My commander asked whether I was single, then assigned me to organize a mud-wrestling event for Sexual Assault Awareness Month,” Rodriguez said while preparing her resignation packet. “He’s married.”Pentagon officials said additional terminology updates are under consideration, including reclassifying toxic leadership as “high-intensity mentorship” and fraud, waste, and abuse as “creative resource allocation.”Officials also confirmed that Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth had requested a legal review of “plural marriage options for high-performing leaders.”Asked how service members should raise concerns under the new policy, Ford said the existing process remained unchanged.“We take every allegation seriously,” he said. “Complaints should be submitted through the chain of command and will be ignored in the order received.”
Fat Leonard releases sex tape as part of presidential pardon campaign
LOMPOC, Calif. — Convicted defense contractor Leonard Glenn Francis, better known as “Fat Leonard,” released a sex tape this week as part of what associates described as an increasingly aggressive campaign to secure a presidential pardon.The former military contractor, whose decade-long bribery scheme ensnared dozens of senior Navy officers, said Americans had entered “a new era of forgiveness” in which corruption, fraud, and public disgrace were no longer automatic barriers to political redemption.“Have you seen who's getting pardoned these days?” Leonard asked reporters. “Frankly, I'm starting to feel overqualified.”Francis is serving a 15-year sentence at the federal prison in Lompoc and is reportedly seeking either a pardon or commutation, citing Stage 4 kidney cancer and concerns that he may not survive until his expected release.According to sources close to Francis, the pardon campaign has included handwritten letters to the White House, several appearances on conservative podcasts, a proposed memoir titled Everybody Took the Bribes But Me, and, now, the release of what Leonard called “a character reference in video form.”“The public's memory is short,” Leonard said. “Besides, if you're trying to get a pardon in America today, a sex tape barely cracks the top ten.”Francis also reportedly argued that his 2022 escape from house arrest should count in his favor. After cutting off his ankle monitor, he crossed into Mexico, chartered a flight to Cuba, continued to Venezuela, and was arrested while attempting to travel onward to Russia.“Those are executive leadership skills,” Francis said. “Initiative, international diplomacy, private aviation. Put that on one of those presidential fitness tests and I’m off the charts.”The recording, reportedly filmed aboard Leonard's yacht during the height of the Navy's "Fat Leonard" scandal, features the contractor in several compromising situations with multiple unidentified guests, several of whom investigators believe may still hold security clearances.Retired Navy Capt. Thomas Mercer was unsurprised by the move.“This is a guy who watched people convicted of corruption, tax crimes, political fraud, and Jan. 6 offenses receive clemency and concluded, 'You know what? I've got a shot.'”“He escaped federal custody, tried to reach Russia, and still owes the government roughly $30 million. At this point, the sex tape may be the least controversial part of his application.”
Pentagon unveils technology to hide fat generals from Hegseth
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THE PENTAGON — Pentagon officials unveiled a new suite of technologies this week designed to prevent Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth from ever seeing an overweight general officer, following his declaration that their physical appearance was “completely unacceptable.”
“It's completely unacceptable to see fat generals and admirals walking the halls of the Pentagon or leading commands around the world,” Hegseth said during a recent address to senior leaders.
According to officials, those comments triggered one of the fastest acquisition efforts in recent Defense Department history.
“The Department has a long tradition of taking senior leadership both seriously and literally,” Chairman of the Joint Chiefs Gen. Dan Caine said. “Within hours we had authorized emergency no-bid contracts for anything capable of preventing the secretary from seeing overweight O-7s and above.”
The centerpiece of the effort is a new augmented reality system known as Petey Rays, a modified version of the Ray-Ban Meta smart glasses.
Using facial recognition software tied to classified personnel databases, the glasses automatically identify general and flag officers before digitally reducing their waistlines until they appear “within standards.”
“The software doesn't actually make anyone thinner,” a Meta spokesman explained. “It simply replaces reality with one that's more consistent with the secretary's expectations.”
Following initial testing, each military service reportedly updated its height-and-weight procedures to require personnel screening general officers to wear Petey Rays throughout the evaluation.
“The glasses don't just slim the general,” the spokesman said. “They also adjust...
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Daily Mash
‘Shit midfielder anyway’: The five stages of denial of a football fan in the transfer window
DOES your club’s transfer business seem to consist of selling off all their good players and buying cheap shit ones? Deaden the pain by lying to yourself:
‘Shit midfielder anyway, no defensive instinct’
Sure, he was banging in worldies from all angles last season, but what about when he misplaced two passes in five minutes against Sunderland, or lost the ball in a tackle that led to a goal? You’re glad he’s gone. No way will a much better defence mean he scores twice against you in the FA Cup and knocks you out.
‘Can’t turn down that kind of money’
£117m for Morgan Rogers? Daylight robbery. Tell yourself how well your club will reinvest this eye-watering sum. Ignore that no player worth that will ever sign for Villa because, despite everything, they remain a bit shit and their best chance of winning the Premier League died in April 2021 when the European Super League was cancelled.
‘It’s a chance for our youngsters’
That 17-year-old out on loan at Doncaster? He looked class in League One, bring him back and give him his chance at elite level. He’s a homegrown talent, so the fans will love him too. What? He’s not quite able to match the performance of the Brazilian international you sold? What a disappointment. Slag him off mercilessly online.
‘If he doesn’t want to wear the badge f**k him’
Football fans refuse to understand being a professional footballer is a job. While knowing if another employer offered to double their salary they’d be gone, they still childishly believe their team is the best and Swedish players here for the money should recognise that. Disloyalty will never be forgiven, and also Salah’s shit now, ship him out, no regrets.
‘Game’s gone’
When the above fail, convince yourself you’ve fallen out of love with football. It’s not what it was in your youth, when Manchester United used to win things. It’s over as far as you’re concerned, though since you’ve paid a grand on a season ticket you might as well go along anyway to hate every minute of it. Maybe Tielemans will work out. You never know.
Popular middle-aged man has three friends
A SOCIAL butterfly of a 41-year-old claims to know three whole people he can readily classify as friends.
Thanks to his gregarious lifestyle of working in an office and monthly pub visits, Joe Turner has amassed a large, close-knit social circle consisting of three people he broadly tolerates.
He said: “Apparently there’s a male loneliness epidemic? I wouldn’t know. My magnetic personality has drawn three mates towards me over four decades, and I see them up to four times a year.
“I met Steve when we shared the same table at lunch, Jimmy is an old school friend, and the third is my wife’s best mate’s husband. We’re pretty close. I think he’s called Matt.
“We meet up once every few months to talk about films we didn’t enjoy and complain about the price of petrol. Separately, of course. All four at once would be overwhelming. There wouldn’t be time for any silences.
“Once I did try befriending a fourth bloke but realised it was too much. I barely had a month clear to myself. Also when he found out I already had three friends he called me a whore.
He added: “To be honest I’m thinking of scaling down to two. Better a couple of close pals than a load of superficial ones, and I think Steve might be a toxic fake bitch.”
Scottish student would trade all his so-called ‘Highers’ for one honest A-level
A SCOTTISH student has admitted he would swap every ‘Higher’ he achieves today for a simple, honest A-level.
As 18-year-olds north of the border receive their National 5, Higher and Advanced Higher results, Will McKay confessed the whole lot of them do not add up to so much as an A-level in textile design from Stoke-on-Trent College.
He continued: “My mother’s proud. She’s lived in Stirling all her life. She has no comprehension of how parochial an achievement this is.
“Like Scottish banknotes, up here my qualifications are worth something. But present them to anyone south of Leeds and you’ll be laughed at, cruelly, in English accents.
“Imagine going to even as lowly an institution as De Montfort University and saying ‘Please sir, I have three As and two Bs but in Highers, which are like A-levels but not them, may I come in?’ Imagine the sneer of contempt as they ejected me.
“These Highers are a prison. They mean you’ll never be able to leave Scotland. It’s indentured slavery for Celts. Today, I achieve excellent results and condemn myself forever.”
First minister John Swinney said: “And university’s free. We know how to keep our young trapped. Though some do run away with Edinburgh Fringe shows.”
Mum advising against motherhood a little too forcefully
A WOMAN discouraging her daughter from having children appears to be speaking from bitter personal experience.
Hannah Tomlinson, aged 31, asked mother Diane when she felt ready to be a parent and the response was ‘a recruitment campaign for infertility’.
She said: “Mum told me to take my time and think about it, but her face told a less calm story until it blurted out ‘it’s like volunteering to spend 18 years as a hostage.’
“With only a brief tour through the spectacular damage to her pelvic floor, she then toured through cracked nipples, sleep deprivation, sex deprivation, watching The Amazing World of Gumball hungover, and ‘piss. So much piss. Years of piss.’
“I was asked to imagine negotiating with someone cretinous enough to refuse good food in favour of Play-Doh. An incident I actually remember.
‘The precious gift of my life was summed up as ‘joy, fulfilment and a profound understanding of why some animals eat their young’. Apparently once she left me and my brother at Keele Services, but made herself turn back.”
Diane said: “This is a photo of me holding me when you were born. You can’t change your mind. No matter how much you beg they won’t let you.”
Command the Royal Navy and stop the dinghies: A tabletop game for gammons
TABLETOP gaming is popular and older men need an evening activity to keep them red-faced and angry. So why not take on small boats with the Navy as Reform intends?
Instructions: Roll a six-sided die as many times as is required. Dice with larger numbers of sides are available, but came along after 1979 so are suspect. For miniatures, use an Airfix destroyer and ‘dinghies’ snipped from a rubber glove.
Roll 4-6 to launch
Let battle commence! Except Royal Navy destroyers can’t be launched as rapidly as small rubber boats, so a lengthy series of systems tests must be completed. Twiddle your thumbs for five hours.
Engage the enemy
You have visual contact with the dinghies but the Admiralty, because they’re woke, are reluctant to authorise war crimes so you must roll four sixes for permission to engage. If you succeed, jump to ‘Begin attack!’. If you fail, continue to:
Boring humanitarian mission
You send out a launch to collect the migrants. Roll 1-3 to help each one on board your destroyer, 5-6 to attempt to take their name, 1-6 to give them a blanket, and 4-6 to send them to the sick bay if necessary. Repeat this 37 times for each migrant. Tabletop gaming has never been so realistic.
Begin attack!
Roll 1-5 to launch torpedoes
Spearfish torpedoes with 300kg warheads are unleashed. Unfortunately they’re not designed for attacking flimsy rubber boats, so roll three sixes for them to detonate. Otherwise they just bump the dinghies and disappear into the North Sea. That cost you 24 million quid.
Open fire with your main gun
This is more like it. Roll 1-6 to fire your 4.5 inch Mark 8 gun loaded with high explosive shells. Now roll more dice to calculate the damage to each dinghy. A score of 1-6 indicates they’ve been atomised. Naval combat doesn’t get more exciting than this!
Machine-gun survivors
A frequently expressed right-wing fantasy. However it’s pretty chilling even as a tabletop gaming move, so roll four sixes to confirm you have the unusual level of psychopathy required to give this order.
Be charged with crimes against humanity
On returning to port you are immediately suspended and told you’re being charged with crimes against humanity by the Hague. Will prime minister Farage intervene and get you off the hook? Only if you roll nine sixes every day for a year. Good luck!
The Poke
Donald Trump said all blue states are ‘filthy dirty’ and got scrubbed and scoured in the replies – 17 squeaky clean clapbacks
The United States have never been less united and the President is only widening the divide. As Donald Trump tells it, there are two Americas. On one side: people who support Donald Trump (and hate themselves). On the other side: filthy, dirty people. Here is the sitting President openly attacking at least half of the […]
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Donald Trump’s gold obsession has reached peak tackiness with the $5 million makeover of these Washington DC statues
We cross now to the US, where we can only assume that Donald Trump has run out of space for gold tat in the White House, and has taken his obsession with gilding into the wider world. The objects unfortunate enough to have been judged to be too dull by Trump are the twin Arts […]
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Nigel Farage said it had been an honour to be Clacton’s MP – then his work record entered the chat
Reform UK is throwing everything its got at the Clacton by-election, since it’s supposedly going to deliver the real verdict on whether Farage was wrong to keep quiet about the £5 million gift from Thailand-based crypto billionaire Christopher Harborne. Actually, the Parliamentary Standards Comissioner will make that decision, but the by-election has bought Farage a […]
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25 Funniest Threads Posts to Give Your Day a Lift
Welcome, or welcome back, to our weekly round-up of the funniest things Threads has offered up. If you have an account over there, show your favourites some love with a share, a like, or a follow. 1. View on Threads 2. View on Threads 3. View on Threads 4. View on Threads 5. View on […]
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Donald Trump said he ‘knows Europe better than the people who run it’, and the chinny reckon was visible from space
Fresh from winning two golf awards in one day at – surprise, surprise – his own golf resort, Donald Trump has been out there making sure the world knows that he’s not just a pretty face, a top athlete, and a stable genius – he’s also an expert on Europe. Trump: "I know Europe better […]
The Poke.
