The Onion
GameStop Offers $56 Billion To Buy eBay
GameStop bid $56 billion to purchase eBay, hoping to challenge Amazon and other ecommerce platforms with the bold offer for a company with a market capitalization over four times greater than its own. What do you think?
“I’m worried this could create a monopoly in the used-copies-of-Pikmin 4 market.”
Ariel Donaldson, Lecture Booker
“Paid in stock, coins, and any power gems they’ve collected.”
Joe Stein, Truancy Investigator
“Are they gonna accept that lowball?”
Elias Hail, Juice Bottler
The Onion.
ICE Taps BTK Killer To Design New Migrant Detention Center
WASHINGTON—Calling the upcoming collaboration their most “ambitious foray yet into the field of human suffering,” U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement officials announced Wednesday that they had tapped Dennis Rader, the BTK Killer, to design their latest migrant detention center.
In a press release, the Department of Homeland Security praised Rader, who rose to prominence for a string of brutal slayings committed in Kansas between 1974 and 1991, as the “obvious choice” to design the forthcoming 800,000-square-foot prison megacomplex. Saying he and his colleagues were lifelong fans of the convicted serial killer, acting ICE director Todd Lyons told reporters his agency was confident that Rader’s decades of experience terrorizing innocent communities and his “out of the box ideas” would maximize physical and emotional harm for thousands of migrants throughout the space.
“We are thrilled to commission Mr. BTK for this project and believe he is the perfect candidate to bring our shared vision of unbridled pain to life,” said Lyons, adding that Rader intuitively understood how to infuse his signature brand of bloodlust into both form and function. “All design elements—from the windowless interrogation rooms to the solitary confinement cells to the sweltering and overcrowded open-air cages—were painstakingly selected by the BTK Killer himself in order to create an experience that can only be described as ‘a fate worse than death.’”
“This place isn’t just a detention center—it’s also an ode to his many years of binding, torturing, and killing,” Lyons continued. “Any migrant would be lucky to die there.”
The BTK Megacomplex, which will cost an estimated $1.2 billion and house 50,000 migrants, has been described as DHS’s “most expansive” detention center to date and will feature a dedicated Binding Wing for securing migrants with rope and duct tape, an expansive female-only Torture Block equipped with belts and pantyhose, and several flexible Killing Spaces designed to foster ICE agents’ creativity. Also included is a Juvenile Unit for tormenting migrants as young as 5.
Rader’s early concept sketches were sent to ICE officials on bloody, frayed paper and depict sleek prison hallways strewn with victims who have been alternately stripped nude, shot in the head, or asphyxiated with a plastic bag. They show how agents could move effortlessly throughout such a space, strangling a migrant in one room, dumping their body in the next, and then taunting and killing their family right down the hall.
Many other accomplished individuals in the field of experiential murder were reportedly considered for the role, including luminaries such as Ed Kemper, David Berkowitz, and Golden State Killer Joseph DeAngelo, who is currently under contract to design a training facility for ICE agents in El Paso, TX. But officials said Rader’s “ingenious design” easily won out.
“I say this as someone who has worked in many of these facilities: What the BTK Killer has done here is art,” local ICE agent Patrick Barnes told reporters, remarking that Rader’s “inspired” choices opened his eyes to the pain and suffering a building could bring. “Seriously, it’s like BTK was inside my head when he designed this. I never thought about adding a record player to each room in order to drown out the screams. And giving each agent a locker to store mementos from their victims like money, jewelry, and underwear is such a nice touch!”
“Usually I just tell migrants that their family is dead, but this layout will actually allow me to show them,” Barnes added. “Once this thing is built, I really feel like I’ll be able to finally spread my wings and fly.”
In exchange for his services, President Donald Trump has personally commuted Rader’s 175-year prison sentence, presented him with a ceremonial balaclava, and approved plans to honor the killer this spring with a retrospective of his pioneering work at ICE headquarters in Washington.
Rader publicly thanked both immigration officials and a supernatural force called “factor X” that he credits with compelling him to kill for the opportunity to embark on what he called an “exciting new venture in intuitive torture design.” He did so in the form of a poem.
“Here’s to you, sweet DHS / For locking up thousands at my behest,” read the handwritten note, which was mailed to major media outlets across the country and included several rudimentary drawings of migrants screaming and crying for help while locked in cages. “Regardless of where these people are from / If they’re not dead yet, their day will come.”
“Inside these walls, they’ll die by our hand,” the poem continued. “We’ll murder across this promised land.”
At press time, President Trump announced that he had replaced Rader as lead architect after many right-wing commentators accused BTK of a record that was “soft on immigration,” noting that he had only ever murdered one Hispanic family.
The Onion.
Nicer Shampoo Tragically Worth The Extra Money
CHICAGO—Reacting with dismay to the immediate positive results yielded by the hair care product, local woman Taylor Suthers confirmed Thursday that the nicer shampoo she had bought was tragically worth the extra money. “Aw, goddammit, my hair really does look softer and smoother,” said Suthers, who appeared visibly distraught as she ran a hand through her hair to confirm that the $49.99 bottle of meadowfoam-infused shampoo had, indeed, left her hair neither dried-out nor greasy. “I just grabbed it off the shelf because they didn’t have Pantene, and I figured most shampoos cost the same. It definitely seems like I’m retaining natural oils now or whatever. And it smells like sandalwood, which I really do prefer to whatever the cheaper stuff smells like. Ugh, this sucks.” At press time, Suthers had reportedly groaned upon realizing that the nicer conditioner from the same brand would probably be worth the extra money, too
The Onion.
Giving Up Too Much Work
The Onion.
Hibernation-Ready
This warm, cozy home is move-in ready and features a pile of 100,000 acorns gathered by the previous owner.
Reference #882011
The Onion.
ClickHole
Heartwarming: The Thousands Of Texts And Photos Exchanged Between This High School Math Teacher And Her Male Student Were About The Pythagorean Theorem
Looking to feel all warm and fuzzy? Well, here you go:
The thousands of texts and photos exchanged between this high school math teacher and her male student were about the Pythagorean theorem.
Awwwww. Just a dedicated teacher working overtime off the clock to help a student understand a fundamental relation in Euclidean geometry!
When 16-year-old Reno High School student Bryan Clark’s parents discovered thousands of messages between him and Ms. Lewis, his 24-year-old math teacher, they were delighted to find that the two of them had been passionately discussing the Pythagorean theorem day and night for months.
Snapchats. Texts. Voice notes. Videos. All with one purpose:
To educate a fertile young mind about the magical fact that for any right-angled triangle, the area of the square built upon the hypotenuse is equal to the sum of the areas of the squares built upon the two legs…
Which can be elegantly expressed as “A squared + B squared = C squared.”
Just check out this exchange, which is one of thousands that the Clarks discovered.
Bryan: cant sleep. u up?
Ms. Lewis: Yeah. Watching TV. You thinking about what I’m thinking about?
Bryan: mmhm. Euclid’s Elements? How he proves the PT?
Ms. Lewis: LOL you know it. You should be in bed though.
Bryan: Did you get the pics I sent earlier? Those drawings of right triangles I did?
Ms. Lewis: Sure did. I LOVED them. Send me more when you have a chance.
Bryan: I’ll try. But they’re hard to draw.
Wow. Now THAT’S the kind of thing we want out busty young teachers talking about with our teenage sons at 3 a.m. over Facebook messenger.
This. Is. So. Wholesome.
Every Parent’s Nightmare: This Child Drowned In His Family’s Freshly Installed Pool, Came Back To Life During His Wake, Ate More Than Half Of His Grandmother, Was Shot 26 Times By His Own Father, And Began A Scream Which Continues To This Day
When you’re a parent, you live to protect your child, but sometimes the unthinkable happens and you find yourself confronted with the ultimate tragedy. That’s what happened to Bruce and Amanda Cooper, who just experienced every parent’s worst nightmare: Their child Hunter drowned in his family’s freshly installed pool, came back to life during his wake, ate more than half of his grandmother, was shot 26 times by his own father, and began a scream which continues to this day.
Absolutely devastating. This is the exact scenario every parent fears more than anything else in the world.
When the Coopers first installed their new swimming pool in their back yard, they envisioned it as the future site of countless summer memories and moments of joy. But five minutes after the pool had been installed, eight-year-old Hunter sprinted into the water and drowned immediately. His parents were heartbroken, but their nightmare was only beginning. At Hunter’s wake, his father was giving a speech about how the only good thing about losing a child is that they can only die once, when all of a sudden Hunter climbed out of his coffin and said, “I’m back from Heaven, where everything sucks.” This caused everyone at the wake to boo the newly resurrected child and throw things like bricks and shoes at his grieving parents.
This might seem like the lowest point imaginable, but things got even more tragic when Hunter saw his grandmother, Georgina among the mourners, pointed at her and said, “That old lady’s the kind of grandma that looks like food,” and proceeded to start eating his grandmother alive. As she was devoured by her own grandson, Georgina kept giving Bruce the middle finger while screaming about how much she hated America, which caused the United States Army to send a tank to blow up Bruce’s car.
Many people might think it’s a blessing for parents when their drowned child gets back up and starts doing all their bullshit again, but those people belong in prison because of how mistaken they are. When Hunter’s mother first saw her son flop out of his coffin, the first thing she said was, “Hunter! My son! You’re alive!” but Hunter just looked at her and said, “Go back to the barnyard, she-rooster, I’m busy eating this pile of lunch that calls itself my grandma.” He then went back to chowing down on his grandmother while she continued to shout anti-American slogans and pissing off the Army.
If you thought losing a child was heartbreaking, imagine having your car destroyed by your own country while your reanimated son eats your own mother while she flips you off. It’s the sort of thing you always imagine would happen to somebody else, and when it happens to you, you’re totally unprepared.
Every single person currently reading this story is presently thinking, “This is as bad as it could possibly get, and this story could not possibly get sadder,” but that would make all of them wrong and evil, because this tragedy did get worse.
After Hunter had eaten approximately 52% of his grandmother, Bruce decided to take matters into his own hands. “I bring a gun to every wake I attend in case I need to defend myself from wasps or earthquakes,” Bruce told all the best reporters in the world during a press conference. “When you bring a gun to your own son’s wake, the last thing you expect is that you’re going to use that gun on your son’s reanimated corpse. I mean, I knew it was a possibility, every parent knows in the back of their mind they might one day have to shoot the zombie version of their drowned child while that child eats their mother-in-law, but it’s not exactly something anybody likes to think about. But at this point Hunter had eaten more than half of his grandma, and I had no choice but to shoot him as many times as I could.”
Bruce was forced to shoot his reanimated cannibal son 26 times, which is something no parent should ever have to do, but the worst was yet to come, because getting shot more than two dozen times caused Hunter to begin the longest scream any resurrected child has emitted in months. It was one long, sustained tone that to this day has not stopped or changed in any way.
“When my wife and first talked about having kids, we did briefly think about what we would do if our child drowned, came back to life, devoured a significant portion of his grandmother, and then screamed forever after we shot him a lot of times, but we decided to start a family even though we knew that was a real risk,” says Bruce. “Now I regret. Nobody should have children and parenthood is a mistake. The Army blew up my car.”
Absolutely heartbreaking. If you’re not sobbing extremely loudly while reading this story, you’re on the wrong side of history. Here’s hoping we one day live in a world where no parent has to experience the kind of tragedy the Cooper family has been forced to endure. Things like this are far too common in our society, and it needs to change. Share if you believe it’s sad when kids die and then come back to life and then eat their grandparents and then scream for a long time!
Heartbreaking: The Town You Grew Up In And Fought So Hard To Escape Is The Only Place With Homes In Your Price Range
It’s not that millennials will never own homes, it’s just that they may never be able to own them where they want to. Case in point: The town you grew up in and fought so hard to escape is the only place with homes in your price range.
Just heartbreaking.
Although you worked so hard to get good grades in high school, saved money by attending community college for two years before transferring to a state university, and landed a solid job in your dream city, ultimately, after 15 years out of your parents’ house, the only homes in your price range are back in the podunk town where you were raised.
And sure, there are other affordable homes in other equivalent podunk towns, but it’s pretty depressing that your hard work has merely led you back to a place with nothing but a 7-11, two dive bars, and an opioid crisis. If only you’d known that to really make something for yourself, your one option was to go into finance. But would business school even be worth it now? What with AI…? And everything?
Oh, who knows? (Certainly not you.)
There’s a pretty nice-looking place on Zillow up for sale, not too far down the street from your parents. Three bedrooms, a little yard, a laundry machine. Yes, buying it would mean you failed, but something about it remains compelling. Most tragically, you could’ve saved about half the cost if you’d just bought it during the pandemic when your mom first sent you the link.
Damn. If only you’d known to give up by then.
So what will you do? Should you just keep renting in the city where you’re basically watching your money burn? Or should you move back home, buy property, and just get addicted to opioids? Sound off below!
6 Mother’s Day Gifts That We’re Sure Won’t Be Good Enough For That Bitch
Let’s face it: No matter what you get your mom this Mother’s Day, it’s likely that wench isn’t going to be one bit impressed. Here are six Mother’s Day gifts that we’re sure won’t be good enough for that bitch.
1. A Dress From Anthropologie
While there is no shortage of dresses from Anthro that would look great on your mom, odds are if you give the bitch one, the second she opens it you’ll be met with a look of poorly concealed disappointment and a choked off sigh. Even if you manage to get your mom to try it on and it fits perfectly, based on previous experience you can definitely expect some comment along the lines of, “Didn’t the Anthropologie guy get me too-ed?” or, “It’s nice, but I bet it was overpriced for the quality.” Probably best to skip this one this year.
2. A Gift Certificate For A Massage
Even though your mom loves to get massages, that bitch is definitely going to find a reason to not like the one you get her, even if you get it from her regular massage therapist. Whether she responds to your gift certificate (for a full 90-minute massage with the tip already included and everything) with the least convincing, “Oh…how thoughtful of you,” you’ve ever heard in your life or just looks at the gift certificate and puts it back inside the card without saying anything, you’re going to regret giving her this one.
3. A One-Of-A-Kind Piece From A Local Artist
Ha, good luck with this one. While plenty of non-megabitch moms would appreciate a thoughtfully curated, completely unique art piece that put money into the hands of a local artist instead of an evil corporation, no matter how cool the work you pick out for her is, she’s gonna hate it. Somehow, she’ll find a way for a piece of pottery or a painting of a boat dock to inspire a comment like, “Some of these artists seem so angry,” or, “This might look nice in the garage.” Don’t take it too personally, though. Your mom’s just a bitch like that.
4. An Offer To Reroof Her Garage
Hoo boy. Don’t even think about opening this can of worms. Despite mom’s garage roof objectively needing to be replaced and your gift of offering to replace it potentially saving her thousands of dollars, the mere suggestion that mom’s garage roof isn’t perfect is going to put her on the warpath. Prepare to hear, “How am I supposed to feel about this?” or “Your cousin Keith was just over here and he’s a roofer and he didn’t say anything about the garage roof at all.” Yep, even though there’s black stuff dripping down onto her Subaru every time it rains, that bitch is going to need to make the decision that it’s time for a new garage roof on her own.
5. $800 Cash
Whoever said you can never go wrong with cash as a gift clearly has never given your bitch mom $800. The problems with giving mom cash are countless: Give her a small amount, such as $20, and that bitch will snap off some passive aggressive, “Oh great, I’ve been wanting to buy some new sewing needles,” type of BS. Give her a large amount, such as $800, and you’re going to get to hear some, “Are you sure you can afford this?” or “You need this money more than I do, look at what you’re wearing,” type of BS. Yep, your mom is the one bitch on earth who money is somehow not good enough for.
6. A Pair Of Goddamned Diamond Earrings
What woman wouldn’t love a gorgeous pair of diamond earrings set in 24k gold? Queen Cunt AKA your mom, of course! No matter how reputable the jeweler you buy this luxurious gift from, your bitch-ass mom is going to start in with the, “These look like cubic zirconias,” or, “Why does one feel so much heavier than the other? I’m going to tip over wearing these.” Yep, this Mother’s Day it’s probably best to just send your mom a bouquet and turn off your notifications for the day so you don’t have to get her bitchy texts about how, “A bug that was on the flowers just attacked me!!!!” Ugh. Happy Mother’s Day!
Hmm: The Girl Your Friend’s Family Chose To Speak At Her Funeral Isn’t Nearly As Good At Public Speaking As You Are
It’s not like it’s ever easy to attend a funeral, but the situation currently unfolding at your friend Sarah’s burial isn’t making it any better: The girl her family chose to speak at her funeral isn’t nearly as good at public speaking as you are.
Hmm. If they had wanted this event to truly celebrate their daughter’s life, then they should’ve picked someone who could enunciate.
Despite the fact that you have an English degree and a job in sales, Sarah’s family chose a girl who can barely even hold the mic a proper distance from her mouth to deliver her eulogy. To make matters even worse, this girl is completely sobbing through her remarks, rather than just lightly tearing up at one or two appropriate moments as you would’ve done.
So, is being Sarah’s closest friend the only requirement for making a speech in front of 60 people? They know cameras are recording this, right?
Sadly, it’s not merely the speaker’s delivery that’s the problem, but the speech’s content as well. Not only were her anecdotes meandering and humorless, but they failed to neatly tie into a heartfelt message about counting your blessings. In fact, this girl is pretty much just using the whole time to say how amazing Sarah was, which makes one think she’s never even heard the phrase “show, don’t tell.”
Seriously, WTF. The speech you’re writing in your head right now is soooo much better than this garbage.
Yikes. Sarah was pretty sick for a while before she died—did she really never mention to her family that you spoke at your high school graduation and would therefore be the best choice?
Fortunately, you’ve got other friends. Hopefully their families won’t make the same mistake when they die too.
Duffel Blog
New 'Bachelor' revealed as veteran with 100% disability rating
HOLLYWOOD — ABC has announced its next star of The Bachelor will be a medically retired Army veteran with a 100% disability rating, a move producers described as both “a step toward representation” and “a situation we are not fully equipped to manage.”Retired Staff Sgt. Wyatt “Wheels” Carson, 32, was introduced during a live press event held in the parking lot of a Chili’s, where he exited a mobility van and fist-bumped show host Jesse Palmer.“Look, I might be missing a few vertebrae, some hearing, and most of my trust in the federal government,” Carson said, “but I’m still here to find love, collect per diem, and occasionally disassociate on national television.”Carson served three combat deployments before medically retiring after injuring his back while “carrying an entire logistics section’s emotional baggage” through Kandahar. He also suffers from chronic PTSD, tinnitus, and what producers described as “a brand partnership-level dependence on Monster Energy.”Each episode will include traditional elements such as group dates, one-on-ones, and elimination ceremonies, though producers acknowledged several adjustments.“We’ve replaced the rose ceremony with a VA claim denial letter ritual,” said executive producer Jessica Kaplan. “Every time he hands one out, the contestant has to process it emotionally and still act like she’s grateful.”The cast of 30 women reportedly includes twelve influencers, six nurses, three yoga instructors, and nine women who said they had always wanted to date someone who’s been to war because “it feels like what I go through with my mom.”In an early clip, Carson attempts to connect with a contestant by explaining his disability rating.
Hegseth buys second suit
WASHINGTON — On the heels of a glorious victory after 40 days of devastatingly one-sided combat guided personally by the hand of God, the historic Easter Sunday rescue of a downed F-15 pilot, and the unrestricted opening of the Strait of Hormuz following a two-week ceasefire, Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth reportedly marked the occasion by purchasing a second suit. The 45-year-old former Army National Guard officer and television host, known for his cultivated aesthetic of coiffed, highly-gelled hair and wartime slam poetry, is typically seen wearing a cobalt blue suit with an American flag pocket square, a combination some officials say had effectively become "his uniform."“We couldn’t be more excited.” said a Pentagon source who spoke on condition of anonymity. “I mean, the secretary looks sharp, no doubt, but it's time to mix it up."The purchase comes after a period of sustained military activity that officials described as “high tempo,” including recent operations in the Middle East that have kept the secretary in near-constant public view.Speculation has long surrounded Hegseth’s clothing rotation. Some Washington insiders have maintained he owns only a single suit, while others believe he has multiple identical versions of the same outfit.“It makes sense," said Jimmy McGarvey, a patron at Freddie’s Beach Bar, a popular bar near the Pentagon. “He’s an Army man, right? He’s in charge of the Pentagon, right? So, it’s like he’s wearing a uniform without wearing a uniform.”Sources said the demands of recent operations have taken a toll on the secretary’s wardrobe, with some noting that extended workdays have led to “noticeable wear” mitigated primarily by liberal application of cologne.“I get that the boss is focused on Iran, but would a change of clothes kill you?” said one staffer.Due to the recent implementation of polygraphs and non-disclosure agreements aimed at limiting leaks, few officials were willing to provide additional details about the new suit.However, sources familiar with the matter said the purchase had been delayed after a tailor originally hired for the job became unavailable due to immigration enforcement actions.🖊️P.J. O’Leary is a ginger and a retired Army first sergeant who enjoys black coffee, axe throwing, and an uncomfortable amount of internet trolling. Stand up comedy and satire writing help him make sense of the chaos and get revenge on his fifth grade teacher who once declared he can’t make a living as a class clown. He can be found on Instagram at @pjolearycomedy and on Tik Tok at @pj.oleary.comedy
Troops say casualties in Iran should be used for maximum political impact
WASHINGTON — As tensions with Iran continue, U.S. service members have urged the White House and lawmakers that casualties during the Iran War be “effectively leveraged into a clear domestic messaging opportunity.”“Look, when my defensive position gets turned into a crater outside some oil refinery, I just want it to matter,” said Spc. Daniel Ruiz of the 10th Mountain Division, while studying a map he admitted he “doesn’t fully understand.” “Ideally, the president climbs on top of what’s left of me and delivers a two- or three-minute speech. Something about strength. Maybe jobs. Definitely how the landscape looks better now, and how it’ll look even better with a Trump-branded resort.”Ruiz said he hopes the aftermath is arranged in a way that “really frames the shot,” describing a “cinematic field of sacrifice” that could serve as the backdrop for a nationally televised address about the Dow Jones Industrial Average.“It’s not about me,” Ruiz said. “It’s about that moment before he goes back to playing golf. You want a clean visual. No clutter. Just bodies, smoke, and the president explaining how this was always the plan.”Other troops echoed the sentiment, noting that while operational guidance remains unclear, the strategic communications outcome feels “pretty much locked in.”Pfc. Tyler Jennings, who described himself as a “strong supporter,” said he hopes he survives long enough to hear the speech, which he has already begun rehearsing in the president's voice.“These incredible heroes — maybe the best heroes we’ve ever had — they gave their lives, and because of that, the markets are doing unbelievably well,” said Jennings, a soldier in the 101st Airborne Division, gesturing broadly. “People are saying we’ve never seen anything like it.”Jennings paused before reflecting on the broader meaning of sacrifice.“You don’t die for nothing,” he said. “You die for the idea that your family might eventually benefit from a system where the people at the top risk nothing and owe you nothing.”He added: "Maybe someday I can compete at the same level as Trump's kids, who just made perfectly-timed transactions in the military drone industry worth billions.”At press time, Defense Department officials confirmed service members will now have the option to direct their life insurance payouts to political action committees. Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth said that troops will need to opt out if they prefer the money go to their families.🖊️SECDEF_Nice served in Army Civil Affairs and specialized in failing to influence populations and occasionally his own chain-of-command. Favorite quote by Plato: “The best satire for the soul is the truth.” Follow him on X at @SECDEF_Nice or at Foxhole Briefs.
SIPR podcast celebrates its tenth download
UNDISCLOSED LOCATION — The world’s most secure podcast, “Whispers from the Smokey Smoke,” celebrated a colossal milestone this week after recording its tenth total download. The classified celebration, attended by the podcast’s entire listener base — both of them — featured a cake of unknown origin and streamers of undisclosed colors.The podcast, hosted on the Secure Internet Protocol Router Network (SIPRNet), is so secure that even the hosts don’t know each other’s true identities. Rumor has it that they communicate through a series of nods and winks in a windowless room deep within the Pentagon, though Duffel Blog correspondents confirmed that rumor to be both dumb and untrue.“We’re thrilled to hit double digits,” said the host known only as “Smoke,” speaking through a voice modulator on a Signal voice call. “When we started this podcast, we knew what we had to say was super relevant and timely. And after three years of continuous content production, it’s gratifying to finally see the audience grow.”“Whispers from the Smokey Smoke” covers topics ranging from “The Best Kept Secrets of the Mess Hall” to “Conspiracy Theories That Are Actually Just Standard Operating Procedures.” The podcast’s signature segment, “Guess That Redacted Word,” has become a cult favorite among the extremely limited number of listeners with the clearance, patience, and functional CAC reader required to access the show.The tenth download was marked by the ceremonial cutting of a cake that was, quite literally, classified.
Finally, healthcare that understands your mission: waiting.
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“We had to imprison the baker for even setting eyes on it,” Smoke said. Attendees, all wearing blackout goggles for operational security, were guided to the cake by a series of secure, encrypted smells emitted by a classified scent dispenser.Security was tight at the celebration, with guests required to pass through three biometric scans and a pop quiz on the Joint Ethics Regulation. Party favors included redacted party hats and invisible ink pens.Despite the high-level security, morale among attendees remained high.“I’ve never been to a party where I knew less about what was going on,” said one guest, a shadowy figure known only as Deep Cover. “The mystery just adds to the excitement!”Looking ahead, the hosts remain cautiously optimistic.“We’re hoping to hit 20 downloads by 2030,” Smoke said, adjusting their voice scrambler for no apparent reason. “But let’s not get ahead of ourselves. Operational security is our number one priority. That, and figuring out where that echo in our recording studio is coming from.”The podcast is available for download every second Tuesday of the month, assuming the stars align, the secure server is up, and nobody accidentally locks themselves out of SIPR again. As for the cake, it was reportedly delicious, though details of its flavor remain classified pending further review.🖊️As For Class is a boy named Sue, named Ashley. When he isn’t writing for Duffel Blog he also writes fiction.
Retirees alarmed as troops stop pretending Iran War makes sense
FORT BRAGG — Soldiers at Fort Bragg are reporting an increase in hostile encounters with retirees at the commissary, pharmacy, and post exchange, in what younger troops say is the result of a dangerous shortage of useful idiots.Retired Master Sgt. Frank Burger said he confronted one junior soldier after hearing him greet another with a sarcastic salute and the words, “For Epstein!”“I had to correct him,” Burger said. “When we were your age, we just accepted we might die for oil. The country runs on the stuff, you know.”Retirees across post said they are becoming increasingly frustrated with what they describe as a generational collapse in performative patriotism.In recent weeks, soldiers reportedly training for a possible invasion of Iran have stopped using the greeting of the day and instead begun saluting each other while shouting, “For Epstein!” “For defense contractor quarterly earnings!” or “For previously undisclosed presidential equities!”“Where are they getting these ideas?” Burger asked. “In my day, you were fighting for oil or freedom. Either way, it at least sounded like it was for the country. Now it’s like they’re workshopping it.”Senior leaders are also said to be alarmed by troops’ growing refusal to accept internal propaganda, still referred to in official channels as “command information.”
“These soldiers need to get on board with the command’s accepted narrative,” said Admiral Brad Cooper, commander of U.S. Central Command. “Lives are at risk. Who is going to storm the beaches of Hormuz for a defense contractor earnings call or someone’s personal legal exposure?”
Daily Mash
Let’s hope Green councils don’t f**k up as fast as I have. By Zack Polanski
WE’RE set for big gains today, so let’s look forward to a fairer, greener Britain. That’s assuming Green councillors don’t bollocks things up as impressively quickly as me.
Yeah, the latest thing is me pretending to be a Red Cross spokesman years ago when I wasn’t. Obviously the press are out to get me, but it’s still pretty weird. Why would you do that? It’s not exactly Catch Me If You Can, but if anything the lack of ambition makes it worse.
So my message to new councillors winning seats today is this: for f**k’s sake don’t copy me in any way. And a good starting point for that is not claiming hypnotherapy can give you bigger tits.
That was a stitch-up by The Sun but it’s still a totally stupid thing to go along with, so avoid anything like that. Don’t claim voting Green gives you a bigger penis. Or that you’ll collect the wheelie bins with mind powers. Or you’ve got the ability to rearrange matter like Doctor Manhattan out of Watchmen. Because that would be embarrassing bollocks, yes?
I’d also ask councillors not to change parties like I did. I used to be a Lib Dem, but I’m quite ambitious so I didn’t want my political career to be permanently stuck in the toilet like Ed Davey. So please don’t all join other parties, as that kind of buggers up today’s incredible gains.
We’ve been over antisemitism (bad, remember?) and it I’d also appreciate it if councillors don’t speak their brains over violent incidents involving the police because I looked like a dick when I did that. Don’t say ‘They should have knocked him out with a tranquiliser dart!’ or whatever naive liberal thought pops into your head. Say something about potholes instead.
Finally, I’d ask our new councils to avoid batshit Green fringe policies, which I know some of you are into. If you want to announce you’re going to charge local kebab shops with murder, at least give it a year or two before you make twats of yourselves. I wouldn’t.
Your ill-informed opinions, and other things you need to vote
HEADING out to vote in elections today but don’t know if you have everything you need? Consult this handy election guide.
A pulse
To vote in elections in Britain the only real qualification you need is not being dead. To make sure you are fully competent to participate in democracy, gently apply pressure to your wrist with your index and middle finger. If you can feel a faint pulse with at least 18 years of experience of wearily pumping blood through your body, congratulations, you can cast your essentially irrelevant vote.
Your ill-informed opinions
It’s important you don’t leave your unfounded hunches at home with your photo ID. The last thing you want is to be standing in the polling booth with a strong grasp of local issues and parties’ policies. This will cause you to dither, so with lots of people waiting it’s best if you let your half-baked suspicions about immigrants or Zack Polanski tell you what to do. Making an ill-informed knee-jerk decision is fine, it’s only vital services in vast swathes of the country at stake. No biggie.
Clothes
On a practical note, make sure you own at least one set of clothes and put them on before stepping outside to vote. Sadly it’s one of the many gatekeeping hurdles the nanny state has imposed. If the cost of living crisis means you can’t afford clothes, fashion rudimentary garments from leaves and bits of cardboard. Perhaps do this anyway – the volunteers at the polling station will probably rush you through quickly, avoiding any boring queuing.
Deep loathing of one party in particular
Under no circumstances read each candidate’s manifesto and carefully form your own opinion on who is best suited for power, or at least organising wheelie bin collections. Votes are traditionally cast in opposition to the party that you despise, with Reform UK and the Greens being the popular choices in this election. Who cares if you don’t particularly agree with what they stand for; do the right thing and allow yourself to be guided by blind hate.
Dog treats
Exercising your hard-won right to vote is a sideshow to the main event of election day: taking photos of cute dogs outside polling stations. It’s unfair to expect the canine guardians of democracy to pose for free though, so be sure to sling a couple of bone-shaped biscuits their way. Once that vital duty is completed, you can cursorily vote for some bellend who’ll probably get booted off the council in a month for watching porn in meetings.
Outside almost ready for you to get pissed in, Britain promised
Flint-faced seaside landladies rubbing hands together at jet fuel shortage
SCOWLING landladies of unwelcoming bed-and-breakfasts at windswept British seaside resorts are looking forward to resenting you this summer.
The cancellation of thousands of flights means Britons will be condemned to staycations in establishments where the first rule is you are unwelcome and all the other rules require you to leave.
Mary Fisher, aged 62, who runs a boarding house in Cleethorpes as a way of exacting vengeance on the world, said: “All residents have to be out between 11am and 5pm so we can clean. We won’t.
“Fresh towels? You’re not in Malaga now. And that mattress is as good as when we bought it in 1978. If you’ve damaged the springs you’ll be charged.
“You’re not the primary focus of my loathing, don’t think you’re special. That’s my husband who’s also the chef and will be taking out a lifetime of rancour out on you via your cooked full English. Choke it all down or we’ll comment.
“No wet things in the house. I don’t care if you’ve just spent six hours huddled in a shelter on the prom during an electrical storm, that’s not my problem. The library was open.”
Work and pensions secretary Pat McFadden said: “We stand on the cusp of a golden age of productivity. With holidays like this, people will be overjoyed to get back to work.”
Being gifted £5 million the only thing Farage has done that isn’t newsworthy
PRIVATELY receiving £5 million from a crypto billionaire is the one thing Nigel Farage has done the media has deemed to be a non-story.
The £5m personal gift, which Farage has not declared because he received it while not an MP and is spending on ‘security’, is the first and only event in the Reform leader’s life which does not merit extensive press coverage.
Media insider Norman Steele said: “This isn’t like when he was debanked, which invented the word and demanded a fortnight of headlines. This is just a £5 million gift from a pal.
“The papers dearly wish they could get a story out of it but there’s no public interest, not like their absolute rapt fascination with the Mandelson vetting scandal. It’s a mere cash injection referred to the parliamentary standards commissioner. Yawn.
“How would you spin an article out of that, without some wild claim that his influence has been in some way bought? Which nobody would believe. After all, it’s only £5 million.
“You can tell it’s no big deal because Farage hasn’t popped up to talk about it. He loves to hog the airwaves, so if even Nigel is ducking the limelight it’s as boring a Westminster bubble story as his juvenile racism.
“This isn’t Keir Starmer being bought a pair of glasses or Angela Rayner inadvertently dodging capital gains tax or anything juicy like that. A friend helping a friend? That’s not news unless you’re bitter and cynical which the British press has never been.”
Farage said: “Everyone gets multi-million pound donations all the time, you might as well report on me breathing in and out. Anyway, cameras at the ready, I’m about to drink a pint.”
The Poke
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In their effort to be more Trump, the Reform Party is copying his petty policy of punishing areas that don’t vote for him. In Trump’s case, he has pulled funding from Democratic states and from bodies that are statistically more likely to help people in Dem areas. Reform hasn’t announced that policy yet, but they […]
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A man spied a giant conspiracy with this picture of a make-up free Sabrina Carpenter and was mocked into next year and back
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Someone spotted an AI generated poster for canned goods in their local shop and it’s hilariously bizarre – 17 facepalms
Twitter user Alice was in her friend’s local shop when she spotted a poster advertising canned goods. At first glance it appears to be nothing out of the ordinary, but on closer inspection it’s a hilariously weird AI generated ‘artwork’ advertising some truly baffling groceries. Let’s take a look. Losing my mind at this AI […]
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