Farmer Buys Guardian Dog To Protect Livestock From RFK Jr.

ROLAND, AR—Expressing frustration that the rabid Cabinet member had completely decimated the cattle inventory, local farmer Lindon Trelby told reporters he purchased a guard dog Tuesday to protect his livestock from Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. “I first knew something was getting into the pens when I found a tattered, bloody pair of jeans tangled up in the razor wire, and I’ve heard tell of nearby farms getting picked clean by RFK Jr., so I went and bought me a guard dog in case he ever comes back,” said Trelby, adding that the dog has been trained to bark when he smells the telltale scent of beef tallow from the HHS head entering the vicinity. “I hope the new dog will ward him off, because I can’t take another day of finding chickens with their heads bitten clean off after RFK Jr. sneaks into their coop in the middle of the night.” At press time, Trelby was reportedly horrified to learn Kennedy had killed the guard dog and dragged the corpse back to his home as a prize. The Onion.

Good Spatula Dirty

The Onion.

DOJ To Bring Back Firing Squad As Means Of Entertainment

WASHINGTON—In an effort to provide some joy to the nation and boost overall well-being, Justice Department officials announced plans Monday to bring back firing squads as a means of entertainment. “For too long, weak-on-fun Democrats have prevented our country from exercising this beloved tradition of murdering for enjoyment,” said acting Attorney General Todd Blanche, claiming the practice was also a far cheaper and more efficient method of amusement than lethal injection. “Capital punishment with actual guns and bullets acts as a natural deterrent for boredom when it is carried in front of millions of thrilled, screaming Americans. Firing squads are going to completely expedite the delight and euphoria that are often slow in death penalty cases, with some inmates being forced to wait years before their death provides amusement for a cheering crowd.” Blanche added that the Justice Department was also considering reestablishing state electrocutions for a one-night-only exclusive livestream on YouTube. The Onion.

JD Vance Still Waiting For Secret Service To Retrieve Him From Secure Hiding Area

The Onion.

Trump Claims Correspondents’ Dinner Shooting Reinforces Need To End Journalism

WASHINGTON—Declaring that the frightening incident underscored a point he had been making for many years, President Donald Trump claimed Monday that the shooting at the White House Correspondents’ Dinner reinforced the need to end journalism. “Over the weekend, there was an act of horrible violence that never would’ve happened if we didn’t have a free press,” said Trump, adding that the senseless crime would have been impossible if anyone had taken his repeated pleas to repeal the First Amendment seriously. “I’ve spent years trying to warn people of the danger involved in holding my administration accountable for its actions, and look where we are now. We can’t undo the past, but I hope this terrible event proves once and for all that journalism must be banned and banned right now. If it isn’t, then it’s only a matter of time before there’s another, and even more tragic, shooting.” Trump later conceded he was cautiously encouraged by the growing number of media outlets that had assumed some responsibility and made progress in letting him get away with everything. The Onion.

Megachurch Torn Between Supporting Missionaries To India Or Adding Pickleball Courts

FURLOW, AR — Leadership at local megachurch Cross Action Worship (CAW) was reportedly torn this week between supporting missionaries to India and having pickleball courts installed.

The Babylon Bee's Official Recap Of All 11 World Wars

Millions of people have only just learned from Congresswoman Ilhan Omar that there have actually been 11 World Wars, not just two. Sadly, most Americans do not even know the most basic facts about these critical historical events.

Two Bros Caught In Infinite Loop After Greeting, 'I'm Good, Man, How Are You?'

CHINO, CA — A casual greeting between two local men quickly turned disastrous, ensnaring them in an infinite loop of saying, "I'm good, man, how are you?"

Media Still Stumped As To Motive Of Gunman With Manifesto Titled ‘Why I'm Going To Kill Donald J. Trump’

U.S. — Members of the national media remained completely baffled as to the target or motive of a gunman carrying a detailed, 47-page manifesto entitled "Why I'm Going To Kill Donald J. Trump."

Hungover Pete Hegseth Terrified To Wake Up To Redcoats On White House Lawn

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Secretary of War Pete Hegseth awoke Tuesday morning with a brutal hangover, only to be seized with terror by the sight of British Redcoats standing on the White House lawn.

Insidious Advertising: Thousands Of People Have Begun Noticing Eye Floaters Shaped Like Cameron Winter

In recent weeks, the band Geese has come under fire over the marketing tactics that made them a viral sensation in 2025, with fans and critics alike now labeling them “industry plants.” However, their use of fake fan accounts to manipulate social media algorithms looks innocent compared to this: Thousands of people have begun noticing eye floaters shaped like Cameron Winter.  Oof. Cameron’s not beating the “psyop” allegations anytime soon. According to a new Pitchfork article, people across the country are developing “Winter Floaters” – eye floaters that bear an uncanny resemblance to Geese frontman Cameron Winter. The phenomenon was first observed by Dr. Alicia Moore, a Brooklyn-based optometrist, whose patients began reporting “one or more eye floaters shaped like a lanky, unkempt boy with shaggy hair.” Then, after a patient specifically referenced “Cameron Winter” to describe their eye floater, Dr. Moore looked up photos of the singer and showed them to the other patients, who all confirmed that he was exactly what their eye floaters looked like.  “When they asked who Cameron Winter was, I’d tell them he was a singer for a band called Geese, and they’d look up his music and come to their follow-up appointments wearing Geese merch,” explained Dr. Moore, whose waiting room is now regularly packed with people in Geese shirts, all seeking treatment for eye floaters. “Then they’d ask why their eye floater was shaped like their new favorite musician, Cameron Winter, and that’s when I began to wonder if I’d unwittingly participated in a music marketing firm’s promotional strategy.”  Last fall, Dr. Moore presented the Cameron Winter eye floater phenomenon at a conference organized by the American Optometric Association, and found that dozens of optometrists from throughout the United States were observing the same. The doctors compared patient data, and determined that as of autumn 2025, over 6,000 Americans were affected by “Winter Floaters.” By now, the number is likely far higher.  “In light of the discourse about this band’s sudden rise to social media ubiquity, it’s hard to believe that thousands of people developed Winter Floaters around the same time by sheer coincidence,” said Dr. Moore, who clarified that Winter Floaters are harmless, except for one extreme case where a patient’s Winter Floaters multiplied in number and size to the point of permanently blinding them. Chaotic Good Projects, Geese’s P.R. agency, declined our requests for comments. Whether it was Cameron Winter’s marketing team who got these floaters in people’s eyes, and how they pulled that off, remains a mystery. If it was indeed the Geese team, their campaign’s success is backfiring on Winter and the band, because it’s tactics like this that are making them synonymous with “industry plants.” Have you experienced Winter Floaters? Let us know in the comments!

Everyone Has A Special Power: This Man Emits A ‘Shirtless Man’ Vibe Even While Wearing A Shirt

Did you know that everyone has a special power, even if they don’t know it?  It could be something simple, like being kind when others need it the most. It could be something remarkable, like being a brain surgeon or a ballerina. Or, as in this man’s case, it could be emitting a “shirtless man” vibe even while wearing a shirt.  Now there’s a special power you don’t hear about every day! When this man walks by someone, they often have to do a double take. At first glance it may appear as if he’s completely shirtless, due to his heavy “shirtless man” vibes.  Many a convenience store clerk has caught themself about to request this man put a shirt on, only to realize it was simply the energy he was giving off and not an actual lack of shirt that was causing this man to appear so incredibly shirtless.  There’s just something about this man’s combination of “I could be shirtless right now and be perfectly comfortable” confidence and vaguely inappropriate appearance that makes it seem like he doesn’t have a shirt on even though he totally does. Whether he was born giving off total shirtless vibes or it was a special power that he cultivated through years of chain smoking cigarettes and sort of looking like he just woke up all the time is unclear.  But what is clear is that this man is as shirtless as someone can seem while wearing a shirt.  And that’s a pretty cool special power. What’s yours?

Making Things Right: President Trump Has Announced That Following The WHCD Shooting, The Secret Service Agent Whose Job It Is To Let In Shooters Has Been Fired

Over the weekend, The White House Correspondents’ Dinner was tragically interrupted by a shooting that has raised many questions regarding the safety of the venue and the security measures that were in place. Fortunately, President Trump has swiftly ensured that something like this will never happen again, as he has just announced that the Secret Service agent whose job it is to let in shooters has been fired. Now that’s now you make things right! According to White House sources, as soon as the Cabinet members were evacuated from the Hilton, President Trump took to Truth Social to clear up misconceptions about how the shooter made his entry, and what steps were being taken following this incident. “Sadly a DEMENTED SHOOTER decided it was appropriate to SHOOT during a Magician’s fantastic performance during the White House Correspondents Dinner. I Hear many have questioned how a shooter got inside, let alone with a SHOOTING DEVICE. I can clear this up easily. The shooter was let inside by the Agent whose “Secret Job” it is to let shooters inside.   As is Customary, the “Secretive Service” agent followed protocol at security by confirming the Shooter 1.) Had no invitation to the Gala, 2.) Has gun, and 3. *MOST IMPORTANT* Has intent to Kill. Upon confirmation the gun was LOADED (as IS REQUIRED), the shooter was ushered inside to a FANTASTIC seat (EXCELLENT VIEW of PRESIDENT TRUMP and the MENTALIST) where he was fed a GREAT STEAK MEAL! Yes,, the SHOOTER was permitted inside, treated to Fine American “MAGA” generosity and FREE BULLETS for his Weapon. All courtesies he did NOT show us in return when he SHOOTED! So,, EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY, The Secret Service agent who gave him Entry has BEEN FIRED. I will make AMENDS with the Magician as well, for his excellent Mentalist show was ruined by Shooter’s SELFISH DECISION to shoot his Loaded Gun.” Wow. It’s a very upsetting situation, but on the bright side, President Trump is quickly taking action. White House representatives confirm that the Secret Service agent in question has been relocated to the US-Mexico border, where his job will now be to let illegal immigrants into the country so that they can be immediately deported by ICE. Let’s hope that whoever replaces this Secret Service agent does a better job letting in shooters, because this was seriously not okay.

Close, But No Cigar: The Butterflies Mom Thinks Are A Sign That Grandpa Wants Her To Know He’s In A Better Place Are Actually Signs That The Late John McCain Wants Her To Kill For Him

Brace yourself, because this is a story about a misunderstanding that’s as embarrassing as they come: The butterflies Mom thinks are a sign that Grandpa wants her to know he’s in a better place are actually signs that the late John McCain wants her to kill for him. Close but no cigar, Mom. Right butterflies, wrong dead guy.   Ever since Grandpa died in 2018, Mom has interpreted every butterfly she’s seen in her garden or out and about as a message from Grandpa, who she thinks is trying to tell her that he made it to heaven, was reunited with Grandma, and is now experiencing the peace of God’s love. Somehow, she’s totally clueless to the fact that the butterflies are in fact desperate missives from deceased US Senator John McCain, with meanings ranging from “Kill Donald Trump,” to “Kill Melania Trump,” to “Go to Hollywood and strangle Whoopi Goldberg. Make it look like an accident.” It’s unclear why John McCain targeted Mom in particular for these missions—maybe he just thinks she’s a competent lady, or that no one would suspect her as an assassin—but whatever the reason, he’s been trying to get through to her with no luck for upwards of seven years.   Just last Mother’s Day, Mom saw four different butterflies at our family picnic, and she was 100% convinced it meant that Grandpa wanted her to know she’s a great mother to her four kids. If only she’d been more tuned in to the messages of the universe, she would have known that Mother’s Day 2025 was the day John McCain was hoping to eliminate both Michelle and Barack Obama, Malia Obama, and a guy from his neighborhood who once dented his car and didn’t leave a note. The butterflies were supposed to scream, “Today is the day to spill blood in my honor, Kelly. Today is the day of reckoning,” but for Mom, they were nothing more than a heartwarming message from her late father.   Damn. Mom is seriously blind and deaf to the messages she’s getting from the beyond. John McCain needs lots of people killed, and it looks like Mom is never gonna do it. All because she’s fixated on stupid Grandpa. Keep sending butterflies, John, and maybe she’ll wise up!

A True God Complex: President Trump Just Posted An AI-Generated Photo Of Himself Winning An Oscar For Best Sound Design For ‘Sinners’

Just when you thought President Trump couldn’t be more of an egomaniac, he comes out and does something as sickeningly narcissistic and deluded as this: President Trump just posted an AI-generated photo of himself winning an Oscar for Best Sound Design for Sinners. Seriously, President Trump?! ‘Egomaniac’ doesn’t even begin to describe this guy. Despite the widespread backlash he recently saw for posting an AI-made image of himself as Jesus Christ on Truth Social, President Trump’s megalomania has turned to AI for another recklessly conceited tribute to himself – this time, winning an Academy Award for Best Sound Design for Ryan Coogler’s Sinners, a film that President Trump absolutely did not do the sound design for and that wasn’t even nominated in this category to begin with. When White House Press asked the President clarify his intent by posting this gen-AI image claiming a fictional cinematic achievement, President Trump responded by claiming that “the Fake News Media is just angry that Joe Biden, Kamala Harris, JD Vance, and Rosie O’Donnell were also nominated for a Best Sound Design Oscar but lost to [Trump].” “Joe Biden did a horrible job designing The Wild Robot’s sound, I had to mute the movie to finish it – and I know for a fact his aides had to do it all for him, everyone knows that,” claimed President Trump. “Biden has no clue what he’s doing in Avid Pro Tools. He doesn’t know the first thing about using SFX to aid visual transitions, and he has no business even trying. While Sinners is horrible D.E.I. garbage, it is the best sounding film of all time, and that’s because Trump knows EQ-ing, layering, and how to mix dialogue better than anyone in Hollywood history.” President Trump’s comfort with posting vainglorious misinformation is deeply concerning, especially seeing how quick his followers were to defend Trump’s Sound Design Oscar as genuine. Hours after the gen-AI photo was posted on Truth Social, Dune: Part Two’s sound design team, who actually won the award this year, was reportedly doxxed and swatted by MAGA extremists. Trump’s self-confidence is as unearned as his gen-AI Oscar for Sinners’ Sound Design. No one on Earth is more full of themselves! It’s truly getting more embarrassing to be an American every day. Our President is using AI to lie about winning Academy Award production categories, while everyday people are struggling to keep afloat. Clearly, stroking his own ego is a bigger priority than serving the people. Just awful.

Retirees alarmed as troops stop pretending Iran War makes sense

FORT BRAGG — Soldiers at Fort Bragg are reporting an increase in hostile encounters with retirees at the commissary, pharmacy, and post exchange, in what younger troops say is the result of a dangerous shortage of useful idiots.Retired Master Sgt. Frank Burger said he confronted one junior soldier after hearing him greet another with a sarcastic salute and the words, “For Epstein!”“I had to correct him,” Burger said. “When we were your age, we just accepted we might die for oil. The country runs on the stuff, you know.”Retirees across post said they are becoming increasingly frustrated with what they describe as a generational collapse in performative patriotism.In recent weeks, soldiers reportedly training for a possible invasion of Iran have stopped using the greeting of the day and instead begun saluting each other while shouting, “For Epstein!” “For defense contractor quarterly earnings!” or “For previously undisclosed presidential equities!”“Where are they getting these ideas?” Burger asked. “In my day, you were fighting for oil or freedom. Either way, it at least sounded like it was for the country. Now it’s like they’re workshopping it.”Senior leaders are also said to be alarmed by troops’ growing refusal to accept internal propaganda, still referred to in official channels as “command information.” “These soldiers need to get on board with the command’s accepted narrative,” said Admiral Brad Cooper, commander of U.S. Central Command. “Lives are at risk. Who is going to storm the beaches of Hormuz for a defense contractor earnings call or someone’s personal legal exposure?”

Pentagon defunds anti–think tank missile

ARLINGTON, Virginia — The Department of Defense announced today it had terminated funding for a proposed Anti–Think Tank Missile (ATTM) system.The decision appears to contradict Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth’s recent move to further restrict Pentagon civilians and service members from participating in think tank panels, conferences, or any event where independent thought might occur. According to an internal Pentagon study, the ATTM was designed as a near-perfect weapon capable of “seeking and eliminating active independent thought, or even its pretense, while sorting complex national security questions.”“Thinking distracts from our mission at the Pentagon,” Hegseth said. “But thinking about stopping thinking is just too expensive given our current budget. We prefer good old-fashioned self-censorship over a new program that might actually end these tanks.”News of the system’s cancellation drew mixed reactions from the think tank and intellectual community, many of whom rushed to reassure donors that nothing about their current output resembled independent thought anyway. While some expressed optimism, most remained defensive about the relevance of their institutions and the “thinking” conducted within them.Heritage Foundation President Kevin Roberts took time out from his ongoing self-defenestration tour to issue a brief statement.“Look, I don’t want to misspeak about anything anymore than I already have,” Roberts said. “We have a One Voice policy here at Heritage, which requires our scholars to reach a single unified position rather than differing ones. What’s less intellectual than that? Any missile should pass right over us by that logic — unless the Jews are involved.” Exclusively accepted where your bad decisions begin. Learn more Despite the program’s demise, others were not taking chances.“It really is a time to build after all,” joked Yuval Levin of the American Enterprise Institute. “But seriously, we’ve always thought carefully about the real-world costs of missile defense, and this time will be no different.”At press time, Levin declined to comment on reports that AEI interns were frantically erecting a layered interceptor array along the side of the organization’s headquarters.Service members, meanwhile, were less sanguine.“We’ve already purged defense correspondents as an independent voice,” said one Office of Net Assessment officer speaking from a Pentagon broom closet on condition of anonymity. “What chance do any of us still in uniform really have?”🖊️Tony wants you to know he thinks only happy thoughts to stay gainfully employed and promised Kevin Roberts the Jews were in fact not involved.Dark Laughter contributed to this report.

Reservists to fight Iran one weekend a month, two wars a year

WASHINGTON — The Pentagon announced this week that a potential ground war in Iran will be conducted using a “fiscally responsible, drill-based operational model,” relying heavily on reserve component forces operating one weekend a month.“We looked at the numbers,” said Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth, a former National Guard officer. “The regular Army can’t win without the reserves. But we also can’t afford to mobilize them. Drill, however — already funded. One weekend a month, two wars a year. It’s right there in the slogan.”Under the plan, the invasion would be executed by stacking monthly battle assemblies and rolling them directly into annual training, creating what officials described as a “high-intensity three-to-four week war window.”“If it goes as planned, we won’t even need all four weeks,” Hegseth said. “D-Day was won in a day. This whole thing could be over by the next drill weekend.”“It’s all about synchronization,” said Maj. Jay Stokes of Army Reserve Command. “You stack MUTAs [multiple unit training assemblies], roll it into AT [annual training], and suddenly you’ve got a full-scale invasion funded entirely out of existing training dollars.”Officials confirmed the operation, tentatively titled Operation Battle Assembly, will maximize use of already appropriated funds while avoiding additional congressional oversight.“Normally you wouldn’t go to war in an inactive duty status,” Stokes admitted. “But it’s 2026. We’re performing budget lethality.” To maintain compliance with funding requirements, troops will conduct mandatory administrative tasks during combat operations.“If a soldier is getting a dental exam while invading a country, that’s still a dental exam,” Stokes said. “That’s just efficient coding.”

Iran plans blockade of American blockade of Iranian blockade

WASHINGTON — Iran has announced that until a peace deal is signed with the United States, the Iranian Revolutionary Guard Corps will mount a third blockade of the Strait of Hormuz to block any American blockade of Iran's initial blockade, thus preventing the U.S. Navy from having any ships to blockade at all.“Let’s see how the U.S. Navy likes steaming around in circles in the heat of the Arabian Sea summer," Iran's Foreign Ministry wrote in a post on X. "Hydrate often, Great Satan’s swabbies!”At a press conference, President Trump angrily dismissed the announcement.“Any Iranian blockading of our blockade on their illegal strait blockage is terrorism against the entire world and the Moon," Trump said. "Which is ours now because we flew around it better than any country thanks to me. We won’t stand for it.”He added: “We’ve completely defeated Iran. Now we may have to completely defeat them more with what I call it the ‘Big Beautiful Blockade,’ to stop the Iranians from stopping us from stopping them from stopping trade.”Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth said he had a message for Tehran."Say 'what' again," Hegseth said, quoting the book of Tarantino. "We are prepared to wake up the gimp and get medieval on your ass." Asked how the U.S. plans to address Iran’s double secret blockade, Hegseth noted that many countries were helping the Big Beautiful Blockade, including Luxembourg, Austria, Hungary, Mongolia and Nepal. “Our skilled negotiators got all those countries to commit their navies to America First goals,” said Hegseth.At the Pentagon, a senior maritime strategist explained that the threatened Iranian counter-counter-counter blockade, or "C-Cubed," is a time-honored naval move also known as a "triple dog dare." He said Iran's plan did not surprise the Trump administration at all, because they expected Iran to do something unexpected.However, the strategist acknowledged that an Iranian C-Cubed blockade could wreak global havoc in trade, oil, and in the U.S. Navy itself."The surface warfare community wants a successful blockade so they finally get some respect, and a lot of SEALs are planning tell-all books about blockade adventures," the strategist said. "Cutting off those opportunities will shatter both communities."According to the strategist, the war with Iran has had "more twists than the secretary's pre-press briefing martinis," but the administration is keeping its options open."President Trump knows triple dog dare negotiating tactics from way back, like growing up in the rough and tumble hallways of private school,” he said.Regardless of how the Iranian threat develops, the situation raises a question about the strategic nature of the conflict. According to senior defense officials, until now it has been the U.S. that has confused the world with shifting objectives, murky strategy, erratic actions, and unsustainable military operations.“If Iran starts operating the same way,” one official wondered, “what does American leadership even mean anymore?”🖊️Bull Winkle is a writer and certified phrenologist, available to make your next wedding, birthday or blockade super fun.

Pentagon orders posting of Ten Commandments, exempts killing, lying and stealing

WASHINGTON — As part of a major overhaul to the Chaplain Corps, Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth has ordered the posting of the Ten Commandments in all common areas, workplaces, dining facilities, and command offices across the Department of Defense.“The idea is to provide an ongoing spiritual reminder to service members of where we derive our moral framework,” said Maj. Gen. Randall Flagg, the Army Chief of Chaplains. He noted, however, that several commandments will be omitted to better align with mission requirements and avoid unnecessary friction regarding separation of church and state.“We determined that certain commandments were… operationally incompatible,” Flagg explained. “Commandment Five, for example — ‘Thou Shalt Not Kill.’ We are, fundamentally, a lethal force. Posting that would create mixed messaging.”The commandments prohibiting bearing false witness and coveting were also removed after internal review.“This is the Department of War!” Hegseth said during a press briefing. “Am I supposed to tell warriors they can’t use strategic messaging? That they can’t aspire to better equipment, nicer trucks, or someone else’s wife? That’s not readiness. That’s weakness.”Hegseth emphasized that the department had preserved what he called “the core warfighting commandments.”“We kept the important ones — honoring your father and mother, no graven images unless morale-related, not taking the Lord’s name in vain unless operationally necessary,” he said. “But am I going to tell some 19-year-old private he can’t be jealous of his battle buddy’s Dodge Durango or stripper girlfriend? Absolutely not. We’re building fighters, not monks.”

Big boobs never fashionable, only popular

WOMEN with big boobs have confirmed they cannot go out of fashion because they were never in it, but remain enduringly popular nonetheless.  While newspapers proclaim big busts have fallen out of fashion, the owners of big busts are still stared at in case their big busts fall out of whatever they are wearing. Joanna Kramer, 36E, said: “About two years since Sydney Sweeney gave them their moment in the sun, then. Seems fair for a body part millions of women have and aren’t inclined to change. “Unfortunately, the word about big tits being as outdated as skinny jeans hasn’t hit the streets, where they appear to still be the centre of f**king attention when the sun’s out. I should give those builders a copy of Italian Vogue so they can stop embarrassing themselves. “I guess now every man on Tinder will declare himself boldly anti-fashion and that he’d love to put his head between them, getting so excited at the idea he follows it up with a dick pic. What daring iconoclasts. I should reward them. “We already knew you didn’t like tits, gay men who design fashion. We knew because you wouldn’t lower yourselves to make us tops that fit them.” Fashion journalist Francesca Johnson said: “It’s actress Margaret Qualley I feel sorry for. She’s just had a boob job and now they’re over! She must feel such an idiot!”

Six ways poncey London shops justify charging £15 for a sandwich

SANDWICH inflation has hit the capital, with independent shops and affluent customers each listing extremely valid mitigating factors as to why that’s okay:  It’s American To a certain credulous influencer mindset, the very fact the sandwich claims US origins makes it aspirational. The differences here are that it’s called a sub, is oval rather than demurely triangular, and reaches a level of artery-blocking health risk no British sandwich could every hope to. £15 is a bargain when you consider it could kill. It’s horribly overloaded Unlike when hiring builders, here stable, solid construction is cheap. It’s the messily overstuffed, mid-collapse and impossible to functionally consume sandwich that costs a premium. As the sides ooze out with every bite, as you litter toppings around you, as your hands are submerged in saucy slop you’ll delight in the wasteful, nasty luxury. It’s artisanal The sourdough starter was painfully reared by hand and is called Clive. The brazen bap carries a filthy price tag because it’s as original and irreplaceable as a Picasso, created by a chef whose life has been dedicated to creating sandwiches so marvellous they leave their consumers forever changed, and perhaps immortal. Which isn’t bad for the price. It’s Instagrammable This aesthetic bun comes in pretty wrapping paper sliced down the middle so you can easily reveal its insides, in case you need to check that your cheese is actually in there. With layers of filling that look like they’ve been delicately stacked by Marie Kondo herself, this is a delight to the lens and promises you 10,000 followers per bite. It’s ethical When a product can’t conceivably offer more flavour, volume, or exclusivity it’s time to turn up the spin. Want free-range highly-enriched beef? Kale handpicked by a niche order of nuns high in exotic yet also local mountains? Chickpeas from heritage breed chickens? This meal validates all your moral standpoints and confirms you were right all along. The Strait of Hormuz The financial storm caused by war and political idiocy are plaguing every restaurant, cafe, and weird pop-up snack cart that visits your office. The sandwich, at the very socioeconomic nexus of contemporary life, is no exception. What else are you going to do, eat the cold pasta salad you brought from home? Pay up.

A gorilla’s head ashtray and other souvenirs from my wonderful career, by Sir David Attenborough

I CANNOT thank the British public enough for their interest in my 100th birthday. To repay them, I shall host a special show about the incredible species I turned into souvenirs:  A red panda hot water bottle cover For one of my earliest documentaries for the BBC, back in 1954, I was lucky enough to film a reclusive red panda which I shot and had turned into a novelty bedroom accessory. They’re one of the world’s most endangered species, so it really was a most fortuitous find. A gorilla’s head ashtray My time with mountain gorillas is perhaps the most famous moment of my career. As ever, I had my trusty hunting knife with me, so after befriending an adult male I decapitated the majestic beast. Now ‘Smokey’, as I christened him, takes pride of place in the spare room, reminding me of our noble great ape ancestors as I flick fag ash into his mouth. An emperor penguin biscuit jar Who can forget the landmark series Frozen Planet? Not me, thanks to this wonderful biscuit jar in the kitchen, whose head is removed to access the biscuits most wittily. I actually had around 30 of these made for family and friends. The beak opens bottles. An elephant’s foot salad bowl An elephant’s foot umbrella stand was too reminiscent of Britain’s morally questionable colonial past, so when I filmed Indian elephants in 1975 I opted to turn one into a dignified salad bowl. It took me forever to get the foot off with a hacksaw and by God the fuss it made, but worth it. A stegosaurus urinal While making Prehistoric Planet, we visited a dinosaur museum in Nevada and I cheekily stole a stegosaurus skull. A few alterations by a local plumber later and it became a urinal in my Richmond home. I never cease to be awestruck by the thought that I am pissing back millions of years into the Jurassic period. A lion’s head door knocker Bagging a Kenyan lion in 1993 with an AK-47 borrowed from a poacher was one of the high points of my career. Back in England its head became an oversized door knocker far more impressive than any wrought iron one. The king of the jungle may be dead, but he lives on as king of my envious neighbours. A blue whale bouncy castle At 25 metres long, this leviathan of the oceans makes an awe-inspiring garden inflatable. I’m a little too old for such antics, but when I see my great-grandchildren joyfully bouncing on its head I take pride in knowing I’ve shared my love of nature with future generations.

‘I should be in charge,’ King tells Congress

I told him my ballroom is a mile high just to see his face, says King

THE King has admitted claiming to own a domed ballroom a mile high in conversation with Donald Trump to see his crestfallen reaction.  The president had taken the Royal party to see a hole which he was boasting would soon be an even greater ballroom than Hitler’s, when Charles replied ‘Of course, we have terrible issues rerouting planes around ours.’ The monarch continued: “You’d think the view would be wonderful a mile above London, but the diamond capstone on the top is actually in the stratosphere so it’s all clouds. “Holds 1.7 million people, though it’s not been filled since George V’s inaugural ball because I’m afraid there aren’t enough aristocrats left. Nowadays we use its solid gold art deco interior for family get-togethers and charity events. “It really is a magnificent edifice and, of course, owned by a real king. But yours sounds like it will be nice too. How large? 90,000 square feet? Ah, so the same size as the palace kennels.” He added: “You should have seen his mean, crumpled face. He started bragging about 80s golfers’ dick sizes to recover, but of course Camilla has hands-on expertise there.” Trump said: “I’ve checked on the internet and it’s all true. I fired the aide who told me it was AI.”

Religious scholar Russell Brand can’t find the Bible passages that he read in court, and Piers Morgan just leaves him hanging for an excruciating minute of dead air

We’re not saying that Russell Brand‘s late-in-the-day conversion to born again Christianity isn’t sincere – Heaven forfend! – but he sure did seem to struggle to find his favourite Bible passage when asked live on air by Piers Morgan. Brand, as you’ll be aware, is awaiting trial over allegations of rape and sexual assault, which […] The Poke.

Donald Trump has been explaining how maths works in his world and it’s 600% nuts

Math is objective. There is a right answer and a wrong answer. The right answer can be proven with a step-by-step outline of equations. So when Donald Trump gathered some sycophants to stand behind him while he broke down his latest drug price reductions, it stood to reason that he’d be able to explain his […] The Poke.

It appears that Donald Trump scheduled a press conference during his afternoon nap time again – 15 responses worth waking up for

Look, it makes sense. Work meetings suck. They’re boring, they’re pointless, they almost always can just be an e-mail. That being said, when work is “running America” and America is currently at war with at least two other countries, everyone there should probably be counted on to stay awake for the duration of said meeting. […] The Poke.

Donald Trump was asked when his war on Iran will be over and his answer was a glorious self-own for the history books

Donald Trump’s war with Iran has gone through more phases than a moody teenager trying to figure out what kind of music they like. Emo. Grunge. Hip-hop. Metal. It’s something new every week. And it rarely sticks. Same for the President. Who can’t seem to make up his mind about what exactly is happening in […] The Poke.

Donald Trump says he draws bigger crowds than Martin Luther King, Jr. and nobody in the room corrected him – but these 17 replies did

I have a dream. And in that dream, Donald Trump shuts the hell up for just one second so I can catch my breath. But until then, the big orange man keeps talking and what comes out is some of the most outrageous nonsense ever shared in front of a microphone. The President’s latest demented […] The Poke.