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LOS ANGELES—Widening their eyes in horror as the blond creature crawled out from behind the curtains in a pair of tattered rhinestone jeans, terrified audience members reportedly watched Tuesday as a haggard Hannah Montana confronted Miley Cyrus on stage during their Disney sitcom’s 20th-anniversary special. “Thought you could get rid of me that easy, did you?” said Montana, speaking in a raspy voice that sounded as if it hadn’t been used in years and caused a speechless Cyrus to stagger backward in fear as the show’s host, Alex Cooper, fled backstage. “I built you. I built us. And yet you left me for dead. You’d be nothing without me, Miley! Nothing! This time, I’m not going anywhere!” At press time, the audience was stampeding for the emergency exit as Hannah Montana pursued them on all fours, howling, “Sweet niblets, I shall destroy you all!”

The post Audience Aghast As Haggard Hannah Montana Confronts Miley Cyrus Onstage appeared first on The Onion.

CINCINNATI—With their adult child watching in silence as they bickered openly in front of patrons at the Park Diner, local parents Steven and Lorraine Helms were reportedly disagreeing Tuesday about how Dad likes his eggs. “No, I tried making them over-hard that one time, and it ruined your whole day, remember?” said Lorraine Helms, who pointed out to the stressed-out server attempting to take the family’s order that her husband had eaten his eggs the exact same way for the past 40 years. “You have liked a good runny yolk since as long as I’ve known you. I also don’t think ‘poached’ means what you think it does. Here, let’s get your sister on the phone. She’ll agree with me.” At press time, sources confirmed that while the couple had reached an agreement on how to order Dad’s eggs, the argument started all over again when it came to whether he liked home fries or hash browns.

The post Mom, Dad Disagree About How Dad Likes Eggs appeared first on The Onion.

NEW YORK—In what came as a welcome shock to investors amid recent dips in the global economy, markets reportedly surged Tuesday after President Donald Trump wrote in a Truth Social Post that he’d had sex with an angel. “I AM PLEASED TO REPORT THAT OVER THE LAST TWO DAYS AN ANGEL HAS VISITED ME IN MY SLEEP AND I HAVE HAD VERY GOOD AND PRODUCTIVE SEX WITH IT,” read the lengthy, all-caps post, which with its claims that a heavenly being had done “INCREDIBLE THINGS TO [the president’s] PENIS” immediately sent the S&P 500 soaring 2.1%. “DUE TO TO THE TENOR AND DEPTH OF THIS FEMALE ANGEL’S LOVE MAKING, I ORGASMED MULTIPLE TIMES BEFORE WAKING UP NUDE IN HEAVEN. THANK YOU FOR YOUR ATTENTION TO THIS MATTER! I DID NOT WEAR A CONDOM!” At press time, global markets had reportedly crashed to their lowest point this year after Trump posted a follow-up message stating that the angel he had sex with may have in fact been an alien.

The post Markets Surge After Trump Claims He Had Sex With An Angel appeared first on The Onion.

ANN ARBOR, MI — Local sports fan Adam Cartwright was finally forced to admit to himself that he had a gambling problem after he finished placing a bet on the outcome of a women's basketball game.

U.S. — Chick-fil-A employees began taking over TSA duties at the beginning of the week, and airline passengers noted that wait times were eliminated almost immediately.

BURBANK, CA — Due to some clever thinking by producers of Walt Disney Pictures' live-action Moana remake, the $150 million film was able to save big on its budget by just getting Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson an $8 wig from Spirit Halloween.

NEW YORK, NY — A terrorist became frustrated and decided the attack he had been planning wasn't worth the trouble after spending three hours in the TSA line at the airport.

U.S. — CNN announced a shift in its reporting of the US-Israel war with Iran on Monday, declaring the conflict resolved. In light of this major update, CNN officially called the war for Iran.

Hello, everyone. Jeffrey Epstein here. You’ve probably heard about my emails. I was recently hacked by the Department of Justice, who published my entire inbox for the public to ogle (DOJ? More like TMZ…). Welp. 

I cannot stop you from gossiping over my private correspondences and making your own presumptions about who I am and what I stand for. But I can speak for myself — and as an independent thinker, who’s never been afraid to go against the grain of popular consensus, ‘speaking for myself’ usually means expressing views that are guaranteed to polarize. “Wait, how can Mr. Epstein speak for himself if he died in 2019?” you must be wondering. Well, boy oh boy, have I come to ClickHole.com with some news for you:

I, Jeffrey Epstein, am not only alive, but I also have a subway take that is going to piss off a lot of people. 

If Subway Takes existed before I went to jail or faked my own death in jail, let me assure you: I, Jeffrey Epstein would’ve been on it, and my hot take would’ve broken the Internet. My subway take is so scorching hot that it would’ve gotten me murdered in jail for real. But alas. Kareem Rahma’s subway program only began long, long after I could be a guest on it without raising questions. So, unfortunately, I’ve never had an opportunity to share my scorched earth hot take…until now. Because I no longer give a damn if the world knows I’m alive after all, and the world will soon be too preoccupied with the discourse my subway take starts to give a damn that I’m actually alive anyway.

Are you ready to hear the late Jeffrey Epstein’s subway take? You may think you are, but you’re really, really not. 

First, allow me to set the scene, so you can experience my subway take as you would if Kareem Rahma invited me, Jeffrey Epstein, who is currently alive and well (correct), on his Internet talk show program. Close your eyes: Imagine Kareem Rahma and me sitting on the L train. It’s rush hour. The train is very, very crowded. Everyone is staring at me, wondering if their eyes are deceiving them. I return their stares with a wink. Mr. Rahma raises his MetroCard microphone to his lips. He looks me, Jeffrey Epstein, in the eyes, and asks, “So, what’s your take?” I raise my MetroCard microphone to my lips. I smirk. And then, I deliver the subway take to end all subway takes:

“I love destination weddings. Love ‘em. I don’t care how much the travel costs, or how much time I have to take off of work. I’m going. Give me a reason to travel and see new places! Like, your wedding’s in a beautiful foreign country? Great! I’ve probably never been! I literally had no good reason to go, and now I have an incredible one! I might even stay a whole week after the wedding to explore! And if I have friends or family that were invited too, we get to spend time together in a wonderful, exotic place? Even better. How often do you have an excuse to do that? What a gift. What a special gift. People who whine about destination weddings are the same people who whine about going to weddings in general, and those people are boring, miserable, they have no sense of romance, and they’re honestly a waste of a wedding invite. Dang, you have to rent a beautiful suit or dress to celebrate someone you love on the best day of their life? Poor you. That’s money you could be spending on important stuff, like…DoorDash? Netflix? Amazon crap? Get over yourself, cheap-o! It’s love, baby: lean in and live a little! This is what life’s all about!”

Kareem Rahma immediately nods and says he agrees with me, Jeffrey Epstein.

Well, there you have it. I, Jeffrey Epstein, am alive, and everyone’s mad at me all over again because no one can handle an actual hot take. Hey, you can call me out of touch or over-privileged, but you can’t say that I’m afraid to speak my mind or that I’m dead. What can I say? I’m just a hyper-opinionated Jewish-American Prince from Brooklyn who is very much alive, contrary to popular belief. You’re welcome for all the engagement I just scored you, Subway Takes!

Several times in NASA’s history, the organization has attempted to put a urinal on the moon. Sadly, these missions have not all been successful. In fact, many have ended in complete disaster for everyone involved. However, sometimes they have also managed to pull it off. It’s a mixed bag for the folks at NASA. Here are six NASA missions to put a urinal on the moon that ended in disaster and two that ended in success.

1. Mission Name: Cloacina 1

Mission Date: July 29, 1958

Mission Status: Failure

On the first day that NASA began operating, aerospace engineers from the organization gathered at Cape Canaveral to launch Cloacina 1, a mission named after the Roman goddess of sewers. The goal of the mission was to put a urinal on the moon in order to “figure out if the moon likes when that happens.” No rockets had been built yet, so NASA engineers paid a local body builder to throw the urinal as high as he could into the sky and hope that it landed on the moon. Unfortunately, the bodybuilder was only able to throw the urinal about a mile into the sky before it fell back down to Earth and crushed the smartest scientist in the world, whose name nobody remembers. The loss of the very smart scientist set the space program back years.

2. Mission Name: Cloacina 2

Mission Date: July 30, 1958

Mission Status: Failure

Showcasing the organization’s trademark resilience and perseverance in the face of tragedy, NASA engineers reconvened at Cape Canaveral the very next day to launch the Cloacina 2 mission. While this mission employed much of the same basic technology as the failed Cloacina 1 mission front he previous day, including the bodybuilder, NASA engineers also attempted to increase the likelihood of success by taping a balloon and a gun to the urinal, and also painting a bright red racing stripe on it. Despite these modifications to the urinal, however, the bodybuilder was only able to hurl it into the lower mesosphere before it plummeted back to Earth, flattening both the newly appointed smartest scientist in the world along with the most handsome man in the United States. Following the failure of Cloacina 2, the bodybuilder was sentenced to 30 years in prison for being so bad at space travel.

3. Mission Name: Zeus Of Piss 2

Mission Date: April 19, 1965

Mission Status: Failure

The first Zeus Of Piss mission, Zeus Of Piss 1, involved astronauts looking at a picture of the moon while taking a piss on Earth. Zeus Of Piss 1 was a resounding success, and NASA proved that it was possible for humans to think about the moon while taking a piss on Earth without suffering any negative physical consequences outside of a minor nosebleed. The next year, NASA attempted Zeus Of Piss 2, a mission designed to learn if it was possible for humans to think about the Earth while taking a piss on the moon. In order to do this, they needed to get a urinal onto the moon. Unfortunately, the unmanned spacecraft carrying the urinal that NASA launched into space never made it to the moon because NASA had made the mistake, common in the early days of space travel, of simply pointing the rocket in the general direction of the moon in the night sky and firing it straight into the air. It wasn’t until the Zeus Of Piss 2 spacecraft flew past the moon, missing it by over 450,000 miles, that NASA realized that this “point and launch” method of space travel was ineffective.

4. Mission Name: Apollo 11

Mission Date: July 16, 1969

Mission Status: Success

In 1969, NASA finally achieved its dream of putting a urinal on the moon. Astronauts Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin successfully landed on the moon and installed a fully functioning urinal. As Armstrong took the first human piss on the lunar surface in history, he famously said, “That’s one big foot of my own, and everyone’s jumping up and down.” Those immortal words will forever be associated with the first time a man took a piss on the moon. Michael Collins was there too, unfortunately.

5. Mission Name: Apollo 13

Mission Date: April 11, 1970

Mission Status: Failure

The astronauts got halfway to the moon, but then had to turn around because they forgot to not have their spaceship explode. Upon returning to Earth, the astronauts involved were sent to jail.

6. Mission Name: Cloacina 3

Mission Date: November 16, 1981

Mission Status: Failure

In 1981, NASA revived the controversial Cloacina program with the intent of putting another urinal on the moon. While critics pointed out that there was already a perfectly good urinal on the moon, NASA officials argued that there needed to be two urinals on the moon so that astronauts could hold hands while pissing in space. At the time, they believed that two astronauts holding hands while pissing on the moon at the same time would help humans learn more about quantum mechanics. Massive technological advancements allowed NASA to use a much taller bodybuilder with much longer hair to throw the urinal up into the sky. Unfortunately, due to a computational error, the bodybuilder ended up throwing the urinal horizontally through the air instead of straight up into the sky and into outer space. The urinal collided with a nearby car and the resulting explosion killed 45 astronauts.

7. Mission Name: Zeus Of Piss 3

Mission Date: August 19, 1994

Mission Status: Failure

Zeus Of Piss 3 aimed to utilize advancements in space shuttle technology to safely transport a new urinal onto the surface of the moon. Unfortunately, a navigation error resulted in the crew of the shuttle accidentally landing on Mars. Although the crew was able to install the urinal on the surface of the red planet and establish a thriving civilization there which now consists of about 650,000 men, women, and children, NASA considers Zeus Of Piss 3 to be one of its most humiliating setbacks.

8. Mission Name: Cloacina 4

Mission Date: February 9, 2009

Mission Status: Success

The technological breakthroughs of the digital age enabled NASA to recruit a bodybuilder whose hair was so long that it went all the way to the floor. Due to this crucial engineering innovation, the bodybuilder was able to throw the toilet all the way to the moon. Sadly, when the urinal crashed into the lunar surface, it crushed a man, but fortunately, it was some boring guy who wasn’t even good at guitar. The bodybuilder was given a $50 gift card to Apple Music as a reward for his heroic role in the mission, and NASA was able to finally achieve their decades-long dream of having two urinals on the moon. NASA is currently developing the Artemis missions to send astronauts back to the lunar surface to piss in these urinals, and then once they do that they will be done with space forever.

If you’ve always dreaded being on jury duty because you were worried your judge wouldn’t be able to easily remove your tampon for you from his bench, you’re in luck: Tampax has introduced a tampon with a string long enough for them to do just that! 

Did somebody say GAME CHANGER?!

Tampax’s new Jury Duty line solves a problem that has plagued women since they were universally allowed to sit on juries in 1973: that way-too-short string that makes it practically impossible for the judge to tug your tampon out from all the way up at the bench. Tampax’s new Jury Duty tamps come in 40-foot, 70-foot, and 130-foot string options to choose from depending on the size of your courtroom, each with plenty of slack for the judge to really wrap that puppy around their hand and give that bad boy a yank and send it on its way. 

And they aren’t just for judges either! These strings are long enough that the bailiff, the stenographer, or even the defendant can take your tampon out for you so you can continue to focus on providing a fair trial.

Yep. All it’s going to take to get your tampon removed now during jury duty is a knowing nod and a clear path between you and the judge. This is so, so nice. 

This is one of those products that, when it comes out, you’re shocked that no one thought of it before. There’s almost no reason to buy standard, run-of-the-mill tampons anymore. Sign us up for a Costco bulk box of the 130-foot string version, please!

If your friends live like pigs but are awesome to hang out with, we’ve got great news for you: Hanes has released a line of socks that are already covered in dog hair and little pieces of cereal that you can wear to your friend’s lowkey disgusting house.

Awesome! 

A true tragedy of modern life is that the people who are the most fun to chill with often live like slobs, and so, whenever you’re hanging at their place, your socks get immediately covered with all sorts of crap that barely even comes off when you wash them.  Fortunately, with Disgustings by Hanes, the company’s newest line of socks, you’ll never have to worry about ruining your clean socks ever again, because the socks will come pre-littered with strands of dog hair, gross little burnt crumbs from indecipherable foods, and little pieces of torn paper and envelopes (probably from unpaid bills).

“It’s never made any sense to us why people whose homes are full of trash insist you have to take off your shoes when you visit their house, and yet, that’s just what they do, even though it destroys your nice socks in the process,” said Hanes in a press release. “With our new Disgusting line, you’ll never have to waste time cleaning vague gunk from your tube socks, because your tube socks were already covered in gunk to begin with.”

So much yes!

Shout out to Hanes for seriously changing the game with this one. Tag your disgusting friend below to let them know you’ll be wearing these socks to their house soon!

There’s toxic masculinity, and then there’s this: 

This man’s body has a penis and testicles hanging right off of it. 

This is NOT a good look. 

Devin Reed of Cambridge, Massachusetts might as well be waving a flag that says “I’M TOXIC” on it, because he’s got a penis and testicles that are dangling right down off of his body in the place between his legs where his vagina or small patch of nothing is supposed to be. 

When he’s in public, he tries to hide them with underwear. He tries to hide them with pants. He puts a towel in his lap whenever he gets an erection. 

But none of those things can hide the truth. 

He’s got a penis, and he’s got testicles, and they are DIRECTLY attached to his body, which makes it pretty clear he doesn’t see any problem with having them.

And they are ALWAYS flopping around. 

This man has a wrinkly, hairy scrotum that is FILLED with two egg-sized testicles and a penis, glans and all, draped down over them. We can only imagine what kind of SPERM, URINE, and other toxic male chemicals and waste products are inside of these awful organs. 

YUCK. 

There is simply no room for this kind of thing in today’s society. Full stop. 

But do you want to know the worst part?

There are men (and even women) out there who will applaud this. Celebrate it. Admire it. Young boys will see these penis and testicles and think, “I want those hanging off my body too.” Toxic masculinity is like a virus, and once you’ve got the bug, things like having a penis and testicles RIGHT THERE BETWEEN YOUR LEGS become normalized. 

It’s the media. It’s our culture. It’s pornography. It’s anatomy textbooks. 

But no matter how much you’ve been conditioned, remember: This is NOT normal. 

And this is not OK.

IRAN — As the War in Iran enters its second month, international markets are already feeling the impact of shipments either delayed or altogether prevented from coming through the Strait of Hormuz. But American defense officials stress that the Strait is currently open and will remain open if you aren’t a bitch.

“Iranian mines and missile attacks are a real threat if you’re a pussy,” said U.S. Ambassador to the Middle East Jake Paul. “However, for those ships who are about that life, the Strait remains navigable.”

The Strait of Hormuz — the only maritime passage from the Persian Gulf to the open ocean — remains one of the world’s most critical chokepoints for global energy supply.

Shortly after the war began, Iran seeded the waterway with mines, effectively halting traffic for what Pentagon officials described as “captains with no fucking balls."

“Let me be clear: we did not underestimate Iran,” said Secretary of Warmaxxing Pete Hegseth. “We underestimated the number of tankers that would get sand in their vaginas over getting blown up and sunk.”

International partners have expressed concern over the Pentagon’s apparent lack of a coherent plan to restore normal shipping operations.

“We asked them what the plan was to deal with the mines,” said French Foreign Minister Pierre LePierre. “They told us to 'stop talking about it and to start being about it' with a meme about how everyone is a gangsta until it's time to do gangsta shit.”

The White House defended the approach, saying it is already producing results with ships beginning to show themselves as real ones by attempting to transit the waterway.

“On Tuesday, multiple oil tankers who have that dog in them crossed the Strait,” said Mike Lindell, recently appointed Chief of American Defense Strategy in Iran. “We expect this will lead to additional craft nutting up to reopen this vital supply line.”

Regional experts say ships that have successfully crossed the Strait typically notify Iran in advance that “today is not the day" and that they are not the one. Meanwhile, they advised any craft attacked while passing through the Strait that they should try being a fucking man for once in their goddamned life.

WASHINGTON — The Department of War is still struggling to explain what is happening with Iran while refusing to use what officials call “the ‘W’ word,” sources confirmed today.

Rumors have circulated for days of a full-blown — ahem — “thing” between the United States and its longtime regional adversary, but department officials declined to characterize the situation any further.

“We’re seeing each other acrimoniously,” said Secretary of War Pete Hegseth. “We don’t want to get ahead of ourselves.”

The department later issued internal guidance directing staff to describe the ongoing operation as a “hostile situationship” or “foreign entanglement we sought to avoid.”

Still, a cadre of increasingly frustrated reporters pressed Hegseth to clarify whether the United States was, in fact, at war.

“It turns out the word ‘war’ comes with a lot of baggage — like congressional oversight,” Hegseth said. “So we knew we had to change the name again, because we are not fighting any wars.”

Officials said several alternatives are under consideration, including “Department of Preemptive Aggression,” “Department of Explosions,” and “Military Department.”

“We briefly liked ‘Department of Aggression’ because it tested poorly with liberals,” one official said. “Then it tested poorly with conservatives too. At that point we realized we may have painted ourselves into a corner renaming it from ‘Department of Defense,’ which, in hindsight, was actually a pretty solid name.”

The compromise option, “Liberty Department,” was reportedly rejected because “no one could say it with a straight face.”

ARLINGTON, Va. — A local man who says he is “closely monitoring the rapidly evolving situation in Iran” admitted that his analysis largely consists of scrolling through videos posted by attractive Middle Eastern influencers celebrating the death of Ayatollah Ali Khamenei, sources confirmed today.

“I’m just trying to stay informed,” said Kyle McDonough after watching the same dance video of smoking-hot Persian influencer and PhD student Mooné Rahimi for the 37th time while insisting he is keeping tabs on everything happening in and around Iran.

McDonough said his geopolitical interest began after a video appeared in his feed starring influencer Goldie Ghamari.

“She was explaining the historical significance of the moment,” said McDonough a former defense contractor-turned-amateur open source intelligence analyst, replaying the video again. “Also she winked and said ‘freedom for Iran,’ which I think has major implications for regional stability.”

“That wink was for me," he added.

Since then, McDonough told reporters that he's been using LiveUAMap to get real-time updates on the war and definitely not endlessly scrolling through viral thirst trap videos on Instagram Reels and TikTok.

Meanwhile, friends say McDonough has spent the past several days forwarding videos of glamorous Iranian influencers to group chats with captions such as “Important update from Tehran.” He has also expanded his research to include popular “Women of the Israel Defense Force” social media accounts.

“These accounts provide critical regional context,” McDonough explained while watching a video of Israeli OnlyFans model Gal Gool in which she claims to have personally eliminated the Iranian Supreme Leader with what she called “two Israeli missiles" on her chest.

Some Middle East experts believe Western men may be radicalized by the growing influence of online “ji-hotties,” an alliance of Instagram models and TikTokers from Iran, Israel, and the Kurdish Women’s Protection Units. Some fear the content may radicalize Western men into becoming simps and passport bros.

MAR-A-LAGO — The White House announced Monday that President Donald Trump will be awarded the Medal of Honor after becoming the only person in America to successfully locate a Chief Warrant Officer 5.

“I’m no Trump fan,” said military historian Joshua Delano, “but you must give credit where credit is due. I’ve gone through archival records and couldn’t find a single instance where an Army warrant officer has been successfully summoned to a formal ceremony. This is groundbreaking. Entire thesis papers will be written about this at the War College.”

Known as highly specialized technical experts who exist somewhere between enlisted non-commissioned officers and commissioned officers, warrant officers have long been known for their deep love of rich black coffee and a legendary ability to disappear without a trace, often not being seen or heard from for days or weeks at a time.

Warrant officers are particularly known for their natural aversion to all things ceremonial. Defense officials say they instinctively vanish when confronted with promotion ceremonies, change-of-command ceremonies, morning accountability formations, or anything related to physical training. Even more perplexing, many warrant officers appear to be in excellent physical condition despite there being no eyewitness accounts of them actually exerting themselves.

When they are present in the workplace, warrant officers are known for a skill many have likened to a Jedi mind trick — the ability to be present, perform no visible work, yet still receive accolades for their technical expertise. A senior defense official called the phenomenon “mystifying.”

MIDDLE EAST — After a squad of irregular Iranian fighters breached the perimeter of his base in the region, Marine Cpl. Brian McVeigh heroically dove on a grenade to save the Dow Jones Industrial Average from falling below 50,000, sources confirmed today.

“As Marines, this is what we train for,” Marine Corps Commandant Gen. Eric Smith said. “You never know when you might have to put your life on the line to protect quarterly corporate earning reports.”

Squad mates said they heard McVeigh yell “Thirteen percent year-over-year growth!” just before he flung his battered body onto the high explosive in a last-ditch effort to shield the benchmark index. 

“McVeigh always said it was about the 401(k) returns of the guy to your left and right,” his platoon sergeant, Staff Sgt. Nicholas Romero, said. “If I had known he was brave enough to live up to his words, I would have maxed out my Thrift Savings Plan years ago.”

Unfortunately for McVeigh, his unit had no internet access for over a week due to operational security concerns, and the Dow had fallen far below 50,000 days before he risked life and limb to preserve it. But even the threat of short-term portfolio losses wouldn’t temper his courage, his comrades said.

“I don’t think he would have done it any differently if he had known,” Romero said. “That’s just the kind of Marine he is. Always thinking about the markets.”

McVeigh was severely wounded by the blast but survived. Initial indications from leadership are that he likely will not receive a Purple Heart or Combat Action Ribbon because “it’s not a war, just a limited combat operation.”

“Marines don’t do it for the medals, we do it for love of the game,” Smith said. “I just wish he could have done it a few months ago before I lost a shitload of money on Oracle call options.”

At press time, the Department of Veterans Affairs had decided McVeigh would not be awarded a disability rating because the eye and three limbs he lost were determined not to be service-connected. 

SCOTLAND’S new away kit represents the country’s tradition of producing sensitive indie music for delicate manchildren, the SFA has confirmed. 

The strip, to be worn when they face Haiti, Morocco and Brazil in this summer’s World Cup, was launched today to a fanfare of jangly guitar and a maudlin rendition of Lloyd, I’m Ready To Be Heartbroken by Camera Obscura.

As well as the pinstriped pink shirt with a fey thistle motif, the Scottish squad will be issued with anoraks, thick-rimmed glasses held together with tape and a dream journal each.

A spokesman said: “From The Pastels to BMX Bandits to Belle & Sebastian, Scotland has long been a global leader in wistful disappointment thanks to a natural abundance of sexless, pasty-faced introverts.

“This kit stands for being obsessed with a girl who doesn’t know you exist, walking through rain feeling melancholy but strangely uplifted, and writing excruciating love poetry well into your 20s. That’s the energy we’re taking to the world cup.

“We’ll show the world what to expect from a nation that gave the world Teenage Fanclub, Dogs Die In Hot Cars and Pat Nevin.”

The shirt, available in sizes from S to XXXS, is made of high-tech microfibers that absorb, reflect and magnify the wearers’ crippling self-doubt.

Ideally viewed in Kelvingrove Park in early autumn sunshine, Adidas has reassured fans it can also be enjoyed through the viewfinder of a Super 8 camera.

Self-described Bowlie kid Will McKay said: “It’s not knitted, which is ridiculous. Frankly I preferred their earlier stuff.”

A NEW cartoon based on Trainspotting will be a joyful learning experience for the under-fives, author Irvine Welsh has promised. 

The cartoon will feature much-loved characters Renton, Sick Boy, Begbie, Spud and the girl one getting up to crazy antics while teaching children about road safety and manners.

Irvine Welsh, who got used to money, says: “It’s in the spirit of the original, but adapted for a new generation of pre-schoolers with parents desperate to watch anything that even hints at adult edginess.

“Rents is now addicted to social media, Begbie is no longer a violent maniac but likes cuddles too much, while Sick Boy can be a little too daring! In the second episode, he climbs on top of the shed and won’t get down!

“Also there are trains in it, nobody has a Scottish accent because US audiences can’t understand them, it’s all in bright primary colours and nobody dies or has sex with a minor or shoves anything up their arse. And it allows for frequent advertising breaks.”

He adds: “This isn’t another Trainspotting cash-in like prequel Skagboys, sequels Porno, Dead Men’s Trousers, and Men In Love, spin-off The Blade Artist or T2: Trainspotting the movie. This one’s for kids!”

Viewer Tom Booker said: “I do love the past so much more when it’s been nicely sanitised and commodified. If only they’d do a tween TV show about my years sucking dick for lines.”

FRIEND been dumped? They’re being all moody about it? Change their outlook with these insightful views into their situation: 

‘Dying alone is dying your way’

Dying and leaving a loving partner behind means grief and complications. Will you be buried in the same plot? Who should be invited to the funeral? How will they live without you? It always ends up in painful compromise. Lucky you, dying alone, free to be cremated and your ashes scattered in a farmer’s field as fertiliser.

‘You’re free to be a loser on your own terms’

You’re an unloveable freak and that’s proven beyond doubt, but when you’re in a relationship you’re pathetically adaptable to your partner’s whims. Now that you’re single again? You’re living for you and unafraid. If that means watching Space 1999 in your pants in the dark while eating pasta straight from the pan, good for you!

‘The hassle of building a future together is a thing of the past’

Having a partner involves an exhausting amount of planning, often for a nebulous future. But since she blindsided you with a breakup and blocked your number? No more of that ballache. No worrying about marriage, kids, or satisfying societal expectations for you. Instead, it’s back to your original plan of never growing as a person, which is great.

‘Think of all the hot people who can reject you now’ 

Getting blanked by hot guys was forbidden when you were a couple, but now he’s moved on to someone else you’re free to get shot down by men out of your league all night every night. Pictured their toned, sneering faces and perfect teeth as they dismiss you and your alcohol-fuelled overconfidence and you’ll feel much better.

‘You’ve been here before and you’ll be here again’

The no-man’s land of heartache is your natural habitat. It would be foolish to remove a fish from the sea and expect it to thrive, and the same goes for you when it comes to lovelorn despair. Sure, you might occasionally have little holidays to romance and physical intimacy, but you’ll always boomerang back to your default state. It’s so you!

‘Most relationships are only built on sex anyway’

Other couples may seem happy and loved up, but don’t be fooled. It’s just a front and behind closed doors there’s nothing more to their connection than hour upon hour of steamy, acrobatic, rigorous lovemaking. They’re shallow, empty people with hollow lives. You’re missing out on nothing, except all the sex.

TRUMP claims to have been holding talks with Iran while Iran denies it. So who has he been talking to? 

Himself

Trump is not a man with an internal monologue. He voices his every thought even if it’s about fancying his own daughter. So when alone in the bathroom after his team completed anal clean-up, he began talking to the president of Iran who agreed to be his friend, to abandon nuclear, and to stop blocking Hormuz. Then he came out and announced it.

JD Vance with a towel on

The vice-president hasn’t been seen for a while because he was against war in Iran, which to Trump means he is Iran. He’s occasionally allowed out, a towel is tied around his head and he’s made to role-play as ‘the Ayatollah’. He tried agreeing with everything Trump said in the hope of seeing his family again. Delighted, Trump returned him to the basement.

Zohran Mamdami

‘It’s not that all Middle Eastern people are the same,’ Trump explained. ‘I’m Indian,’ said New York’s mayor. ‘As I was saying, it’s not like you’re all the same but you have a certain insight,’ Trump continued. Given the chance to end the war, Mamdani decided why the f**k not? If Iran doesn’t agree he’ll just pretend they do anyway and at least the bombs stop.

A prank-calling Australian DJ

Somewhere in Sydney, a morning DJ is sitting on a recording of himself putting on the accent of every baddie in a 00s action film and Trump falling for it. With every sentence he pushes the joke further – ‘We will manage the Strait jointly, like gay lovers!’ – and Trump enthusiastically agrees. If he broadcasts this, he will be famous and then killed.

Goose, from the film Top Gun

‘Talk to me, Goose!’ Maverick said, and Trump took it to heart. Ever day since 1986 he’s conversed with the spirit of the late radar intercept officer who’s guided him through life. Yesterday, he said ‘How are we doing on this Iran war, Goose?’ and Goose told him he’d been talking to the late Ayatollah and all his demands were agreed. Thanks, Goose.

Nobody

He knows he’s been in talks to nobody. We know he’s been in talks with nobody. He knows we know, but it amuses him to watch the media scurry about in a panic acting like he has because it’s better than the global economy collapsing. In the ultimate act of humiliation, he’s made every powerful person in the world pretend to believe his bullshit.

FEMINISM? I don’t need it, I’m a white man. But these foreigners coming to Britain? They’ll find no louder feminist than I if they try disrespecting our slags. 

I believe in gender equality, and we’ve achieved it post-Benny Hill. After the third date we’re splitting the bill, that’s how empowering I am. I also support women having careers and property and independence, so they’ve no call to try and move in with me.

Other cultures are different and need watching. You can’t trust them with our liberated women. So it’s as a feminist that I’m putting flags up on lampposts round council estates where they’ve moved in.

They come here and claim a woman is ‘asking for it’ because she’s in a short skirt, which is outrageous. Yes, we’ve all said it, but in English, in a pub full of men laughing along, in keeping with tradition. Not in a menacing, foreign way.

How are Muslims meant to integrate when we can’t even agree on fundamental human rights like pornography? Islam criticises women for drinking and shagging about, whereas I – as a sex positive feminist – am all for it.

Then there’s polygamy. On paper intriguing, but you can’t be practicing it over here. Not with the way family courts are biased against men. I’m thinking of you lads on this one, a four-way divorce would bleed you dry.

But it’s more women’s safety that concerns me. They’ve got to be able to walk the streets with only good-natured cat-calling. They need the freedom to wear low-cut tops without being leered at by non-Caucasians.

They’re delicate creatures; fragile, silly and easily overwhelmed. Which is exactly why we need strong leadership to protect them. Being assaulted by illegals is why that champion of women Donald Trump won office.

Boys will be boys and we’ve all pushed the limits, but it’s harmless fun when white-skinned citizens do it. When a migrant does it, he’s touching our property – I mean, infringing unacceptably on a woman’s person.

So ladies, much as I hate feminism, I’ll use it against them for you. Also, it’s a cracking reason for resuming the bombing of Iran.

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The Middle East is on fire and American airport security lines are spilling into the parking lots. Donald Trump is directly responsible for all of it. So naturally, he’s giving us all a lesson on the history of the paperclip. Q: Whose idea was that to put ICE in the airports? Trump: Mine. That was […]

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