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LOS ANGELES—Widening their eyes in horror as the blond creature crawled out from behind the curtains in a pair of tattered rhinestone jeans, terrified audience members reportedly watched Tuesday as a haggard Hannah Montana confronted Miley Cyrus on stage during their Disney sitcom’s 20th-anniversary special. “Thought you could get rid of me that easy, did you?” said Montana, speaking in a raspy voice that sounded as if it hadn’t been used in years and caused a speechless Cyrus to stagger backward in fear as the show’s host, Alex Cooper, fled backstage. “I built you. I built us. And yet you left me for dead. You’d be nothing without me, Miley! Nothing! This time, I’m not going anywhere!” At press time, the audience was stampeding for the emergency exit as Hannah Montana pursued them on all fours, howling, “Sweet niblets, I shall destroy you all!”

The post Audience Aghast As Haggard Hannah Montana Confronts Miley Cyrus Onstage appeared first on The Onion.

CINCINNATI—With their adult child watching in silence as they bickered openly in front of patrons at the Park Diner, local parents Steven and Lorraine Helms were reportedly disagreeing Tuesday about how Dad likes his eggs. “No, I tried making them over-hard that one time, and it ruined your whole day, remember?” said Lorraine Helms, who pointed out to the stressed-out server attempting to take the family’s order that her husband had eaten his eggs the exact same way for the past 40 years. “You have liked a good runny yolk since as long as I’ve known you. I also don’t think ‘poached’ means what you think it does. Here, let’s get your sister on the phone. She’ll agree with me.” At press time, sources confirmed that while the couple had reached an agreement on how to order Dad’s eggs, the argument started all over again when it came to whether he liked home fries or hash browns.

The post Mom, Dad Disagree About How Dad Likes Eggs appeared first on The Onion.

NEW YORK—In what came as a welcome shock to investors amid recent dips in the global economy, markets reportedly surged Tuesday after President Donald Trump wrote in a Truth Social Post that he’d had sex with an angel. “I AM PLEASED TO REPORT THAT OVER THE LAST TWO DAYS AN ANGEL HAS VISITED ME IN MY SLEEP AND I HAVE HAD VERY GOOD AND PRODUCTIVE SEX WITH IT,” read the lengthy, all-caps post, which with its claims that a heavenly being had done “INCREDIBLE THINGS TO [the president’s] PENIS” immediately sent the S&P 500 soaring 2.1%. “DUE TO TO THE TENOR AND DEPTH OF THIS FEMALE ANGEL’S LOVE MAKING, I ORGASMED MULTIPLE TIMES BEFORE WAKING UP NUDE IN HEAVEN. THANK YOU FOR YOUR ATTENTION TO THIS MATTER! I DID NOT WEAR A CONDOM!” At press time, global markets had reportedly crashed to their lowest point this year after Trump posted a follow-up message stating that the angel he had sex with may have in fact been an alien.

The post Markets Surge After Trump Claims He Had Sex With An Angel appeared first on The Onion.

SÃO PAULO—In an effort to rectify the misunderstanding between the young girl, the girls’ parents, and herself, pop star Chappell Roan kidnapped the 11-year-old fan who was upset by a security guard while in São Paulo to attend Lollapalooza Brasil, sources reported Monday. “People think I hate children, but that’s not true—in fact, I love children so much, I’ve decided you can live with me, forever and ever,” the 28-year-old Roan said to the young fan as they sped wildly through the streets of São Paulo in an unmarked van following an incident in which the “Pink Pony Club” singer and a security guard were blasted by soccer star Jorginho Frello on social media. “There are no mean guards in my basement. It’s a good thing you love my voice so much, because it’s the only one you’re going to be hearing for a very, very long time. You’ll get your own private concert from me every single day while I’m shoving applesauce through the slats of your cage, plus we’ll take tons of photos together that detectives can use to try to furiously track down your location.” According to reports, Roan later surprised the 11-year-old with a litany of autographed items, including a vinyl record, a tote bag, and a taunting letter to the police.

The post Chappell Roan Makes Amends By Kidnapping 11-Year-Old Fan appeared first on The Onion.

U.S. — CNN announced a shift in its reporting of the US-Israel war with Iran on Monday, declaring the conflict resolved. In light of this major update, CNN officially called the war for Iran.

RACCOON CITY — Maintaining some semblance of his humanity, a grotesque boss monster located in an underground laboratory helpfully leaves plenty of health and ammo in the room right before anyone comes to fight him.

U.S. — The Transportation Security Administration announced this morning that it would be ending the practice of performing colonoscopies on travelers at airports around the country in an effort to speed up security lines amidst the ongoing partial government shutdown.

U.S. — Separate from his work as the nation's commander in chief, President Donald Trump announced that he was releasing a line of specialty sympathy cards he had written himself.

With the tug-of-war over funding for the Department of Homeland Security leaving the Transportation Security Administration short on agents, getting through airport security is an even bigger nightmare than before.

If you’ve always dreaded being on jury duty because you were worried your judge wouldn’t be able to easily remove your tampon for you from his bench, you’re in luck: Tampax has introduced a tampon with a string long enough for them to do just that! 

Did somebody say GAME CHANGER?!

Tampax’s new Jury Duty line solves a problem that has plagued women since they were universally allowed to sit on juries in 1973: that way-too-short string that makes it practically impossible for the judge to tug your tampon out from all the way up at the bench. Tampax’s new Jury Duty tamps come in 40-foot, 70-foot, and 130-foot string options to choose from depending on the size of your courtroom, each with plenty of slack for the judge to really wrap that puppy around their hand and give that bad boy a yank and send it on its way. 

And they aren’t just for judges either! These strings are long enough that the bailiff, the stenographer, or even the defendant can take your tampon out for you so you can continue to focus on providing a fair trial.

Yep. All it’s going to take to get your tampon removed now during jury duty is a knowing nod and a clear path between you and the judge. This is so, so nice. 

This is one of those products that, when it comes out, you’re shocked that no one thought of it before. There’s almost no reason to buy standard, run-of-the-mill tampons anymore. Sign us up for a Costco bulk box of the 130-foot string version, please!

If your friends live like pigs but are awesome to hang out with, we’ve got great news for you: Hanes has released a line of socks that are already covered in dog hair and little pieces of cereal that you can wear to your friend’s lowkey disgusting house.

Awesome! 

A true tragedy of modern life is that the people who are the most fun to chill with often live like slobs, and so, whenever you’re hanging at their place, your socks get immediately covered with all sorts of crap that barely even comes off when you wash them.  Fortunately, with Disgustings by Hanes, the company’s newest line of socks, you’ll never have to worry about ruining your clean socks ever again, because the socks will come pre-littered with strands of dog hair, gross little burnt crumbs from indecipherable foods, and little pieces of torn paper and envelopes (probably from unpaid bills).

“It’s never made any sense to us why people whose homes are full of trash insist you have to take off your shoes when you visit their house, and yet, that’s just what they do, even though it destroys your nice socks in the process,” said Hanes in a press release. “With our new Disgusting line, you’ll never have to waste time cleaning vague gunk from your tube socks, because your tube socks were already covered in gunk to begin with.”

So much yes!

Shout out to Hanes for seriously changing the game with this one. Tag your disgusting friend below to let them know you’ll be wearing these socks to their house soon!

There’s toxic masculinity, and then there’s this: 

This man’s body has a penis and testicles hanging right off of it. 

This is NOT a good look. 

Devin Reed of Cambridge, Massachusetts might as well be waving a flag that says “I’M TOXIC” on it, because he’s got a penis and testicles that are dangling right down off of his body in the place between his legs where his vagina or small patch of nothing is supposed to be. 

When he’s in public, he tries to hide them with underwear. He tries to hide them with pants. He puts a towel in his lap whenever he gets an erection. 

But none of those things can hide the truth. 

He’s got a penis, and he’s got testicles, and they are DIRECTLY attached to his body, which makes it pretty clear he doesn’t see any problem with having them.

And they are ALWAYS flopping around. 

This man has a wrinkly, hairy scrotum that is FILLED with two egg-sized testicles and a penis, glans and all, draped down over them. We can only imagine what kind of SPERM, URINE, and other toxic male chemicals and waste products are inside of these awful organs. 

YUCK. 

There is simply no room for this kind of thing in today’s society. Full stop. 

But do you want to know the worst part?

There are men (and even women) out there who will applaud this. Celebrate it. Admire it. Young boys will see these penis and testicles and think, “I want those hanging off my body too.” Toxic masculinity is like a virus, and once you’ve got the bug, things like having a penis and testicles RIGHT THERE BETWEEN YOUR LEGS become normalized. 

It’s the media. It’s our culture. It’s pornography. It’s anatomy textbooks. 

But no matter how much you’ve been conditioned, remember: This is NOT normal. 

And this is not OK.

This is amazing: PornHub has just introduced a new feature that will alert a random convenience store cashier in the US anytime you access PornHub. This is going to make the experience of using porn a lot more like it was in the 1980s, when you had to buy your porn from whoever was working behind the register at 7/11. Will this new hurdle help people fight porn addiction, or are you going to keep using PornHub just as much as before? Sound off in the comments!

IRAN — As the War in Iran enters its second month, international markets are already feeling the impact of shipments either delayed or altogether prevented from coming through the Strait of Hormuz. But American defense officials stress that the Strait is currently open and will remain open if you aren’t a bitch.

“Iranian mines and missile attacks are a real threat if you’re a pussy,” said U.S. Ambassador to the Middle East Jake Paul. “However, for those ships who are about that life, the Strait remains navigable.”

The Strait of Hormuz — the only maritime passage from the Persian Gulf to the open ocean — remains one of the world’s most critical chokepoints for global energy supply.

Shortly after the war began, Iran seeded the waterway with mines, effectively halting traffic for what Pentagon officials described as “captains with no fucking balls."

“Let me be clear: we did not underestimate Iran,” said Secretary of Warmaxxing Pete Hegseth. “We underestimated the number of tankers that would get sand in their vaginas over getting blown up and sunk.”

International partners have expressed concern over the Pentagon’s apparent lack of a coherent plan to restore normal shipping operations.

“We asked them what the plan was to deal with the mines,” said French Foreign Minister Pierre LePierre. “They told us to 'stop talking about it and to start being about it' with a meme about how everyone is a gangsta until it's time to do gangsta shit.”

The White House defended the approach, saying it is already producing results with ships beginning to show themselves as real ones by attempting to transit the waterway.

“On Tuesday, multiple oil tankers who have that dog in them crossed the Strait,” said Mike Lindell, recently appointed Chief of American Defense Strategy in Iran. “We expect this will lead to additional craft nutting up to reopen this vital supply line.”

Regional experts say ships that have successfully crossed the Strait typically notify Iran in advance that “today is not the day" and that they are not the one. Meanwhile, they advised any craft attacked while passing through the Strait that they should try being a fucking man for once in their goddamned life.

WASHINGTON — The Department of War is still struggling to explain what is happening with Iran while refusing to use what officials call “the ‘W’ word,” sources confirmed today.

Rumors have circulated for days of a full-blown — ahem — “thing” between the United States and its longtime regional adversary, but department officials declined to characterize the situation any further.

“We’re seeing each other acrimoniously,” said Secretary of War Pete Hegseth. “We don’t want to get ahead of ourselves.”

The department later issued internal guidance directing staff to describe the ongoing operation as a “hostile situationship” or “foreign entanglement we sought to avoid.”

Still, a cadre of increasingly frustrated reporters pressed Hegseth to clarify whether the United States was, in fact, at war.

“It turns out the word ‘war’ comes with a lot of baggage — like congressional oversight,” Hegseth said. “So we knew we had to change the name again, because we are not fighting any wars.”

Officials said several alternatives are under consideration, including “Department of Preemptive Aggression,” “Department of Explosions,” and “Military Department.”

“We briefly liked ‘Department of Aggression’ because it tested poorly with liberals,” one official said. “Then it tested poorly with conservatives too. At that point we realized we may have painted ourselves into a corner renaming it from ‘Department of Defense,’ which, in hindsight, was actually a pretty solid name.”

The compromise option, “Liberty Department,” was reportedly rejected because “no one could say it with a straight face.”

ARLINGTON, Va. — A local man who says he is “closely monitoring the rapidly evolving situation in Iran” admitted that his analysis largely consists of scrolling through videos posted by attractive Middle Eastern influencers celebrating the death of Ayatollah Ali Khamenei, sources confirmed today.

“I’m just trying to stay informed,” said Kyle McDonough after watching the same dance video of smoking-hot Persian influencer and PhD student Mooné Rahimi for the 37th time while insisting he is keeping tabs on everything happening in and around Iran.

McDonough said his geopolitical interest began after a video appeared in his feed starring influencer Goldie Ghamari.

“She was explaining the historical significance of the moment,” said McDonough a former defense contractor-turned-amateur open source intelligence analyst, replaying the video again. “Also she winked and said ‘freedom for Iran,’ which I think has major implications for regional stability.”

“That wink was for me," he added.

Since then, McDonough told reporters that he's been using LiveUAMap to get real-time updates on the war and definitely not endlessly scrolling through viral thirst trap videos on Instagram Reels and TikTok.

Meanwhile, friends say McDonough has spent the past several days forwarding videos of glamorous Iranian influencers to group chats with captions such as “Important update from Tehran.” He has also expanded his research to include popular “Women of the Israel Defense Force” social media accounts.

“These accounts provide critical regional context,” McDonough explained while watching a video of Israeli OnlyFans model Gal Gool in which she claims to have personally eliminated the Iranian Supreme Leader with what she called “two Israeli missiles" on her chest.

Some Middle East experts believe Western men may be radicalized by the growing influence of online “ji-hotties,” an alliance of Instagram models and TikTokers from Iran, Israel, and the Kurdish Women’s Protection Units. Some fear the content may radicalize Western men into becoming simps and passport bros.

MAR-A-LAGO — The White House announced Monday that President Donald Trump will be awarded the Medal of Honor after becoming the only person in America to successfully locate a Chief Warrant Officer 5.

“I’m no Trump fan,” said military historian Joshua Delano, “but you must give credit where credit is due. I’ve gone through archival records and couldn’t find a single instance where an Army warrant officer has been successfully summoned to a formal ceremony. This is groundbreaking. Entire thesis papers will be written about this at the War College.”

Known as highly specialized technical experts who exist somewhere between enlisted non-commissioned officers and commissioned officers, warrant officers have long been known for their deep love of rich black coffee and a legendary ability to disappear without a trace, often not being seen or heard from for days or weeks at a time.

Warrant officers are particularly known for their natural aversion to all things ceremonial. Defense officials say they instinctively vanish when confronted with promotion ceremonies, change-of-command ceremonies, morning accountability formations, or anything related to physical training. Even more perplexing, many warrant officers appear to be in excellent physical condition despite there being no eyewitness accounts of them actually exerting themselves.

When they are present in the workplace, warrant officers are known for a skill many have likened to a Jedi mind trick — the ability to be present, perform no visible work, yet still receive accolades for their technical expertise. A senior defense official called the phenomenon “mystifying.”

MIDDLE EAST — After a squad of irregular Iranian fighters breached the perimeter of his base in the region, Marine Cpl. Brian McVeigh heroically dove on a grenade to save the Dow Jones Industrial Average from falling below 50,000, sources confirmed today.

“As Marines, this is what we train for,” Marine Corps Commandant Gen. Eric Smith said. “You never know when you might have to put your life on the line to protect quarterly corporate earning reports.”

Squad mates said they heard McVeigh yell “Thirteen percent year-over-year growth!” just before he flung his battered body onto the high explosive in a last-ditch effort to shield the benchmark index. 

“McVeigh always said it was about the 401(k) returns of the guy to your left and right,” his platoon sergeant, Staff Sgt. Nicholas Romero, said. “If I had known he was brave enough to live up to his words, I would have maxed out my Thrift Savings Plan years ago.”

Unfortunately for McVeigh, his unit had no internet access for over a week due to operational security concerns, and the Dow had fallen far below 50,000 days before he risked life and limb to preserve it. But even the threat of short-term portfolio losses wouldn’t temper his courage, his comrades said.

“I don’t think he would have done it any differently if he had known,” Romero said. “That’s just the kind of Marine he is. Always thinking about the markets.”

McVeigh was severely wounded by the blast but survived. Initial indications from leadership are that he likely will not receive a Purple Heart or Combat Action Ribbon because “it’s not a war, just a limited combat operation.”

“Marines don’t do it for the medals, we do it for love of the game,” Smith said. “I just wish he could have done it a few months ago before I lost a shitload of money on Oracle call options.”

At press time, the Department of Veterans Affairs had decided McVeigh would not be awarded a disability rating because the eye and three limbs he lost were determined not to be service-connected. 

A NEW cartoon based on Trainspotting will be a joyful learning experience for the under-fives, author Irvine Welsh has promised. 

The cartoon will feature much-loved characters Renton, Sick Boy, Begbie, Spud and the girl one getting up to crazy antics while teaching children about road safety and manners.

Irvine Welsh, who got used to money, says: “It’s in the spirit of the original, but adapted for a new generation of pre-schoolers with parents desperate to watch anything that even hints at adult edginess.

“Rents is now addicted to social media, Begbie is no longer a violent maniac but likes cuddles too much, while Sick Boy can be a little too daring! In the second episode, he climbs on top of the shed and won’t get down!

“Also there are trains in it, nobody has a Scottish accent because US audiences can’t understand them, it’s all in bright primary colours and nobody dies or has sex with a minor or shoves anything up their arse. And it allows for frequent advertising breaks.”

He adds: “This isn’t another Trainspotting cash-in like prequel Skagboys, sequels Porno, Dead Men’s Trousers, and Men In Love, spin-off The Blade Artist or T2: Trainspotting the movie. This one’s for kids!”

Viewer Tom Booker said: “I do love the past so much more when it’s been nicely sanitised and commodified. If only they’d do a tween TV show about my years sucking dick for lines.”

FRIEND been dumped? They’re being all moody about it? Change their outlook with these insightful views into their situation: 

‘Dying alone is dying your way’

Dying and leaving a loving partner behind means grief and complications. Will you be buried in the same plot? Who should be invited to the funeral? How will they live without you? It always ends up in painful compromise. Lucky you, dying alone, free to be cremated and your ashes scattered in a farmer’s field as fertiliser.

‘You’re free to be a loser on your own terms’

You’re an unloveable freak and that’s proven beyond doubt, but when you’re in a relationship you’re pathetically adaptable to your partner’s whims. Now that you’re single again? You’re living for you and unafraid. If that means watching Space 1999 in your pants in the dark while eating pasta straight from the pan, good for you!

‘The hassle of building a future together is a thing of the past’

Having a partner involves an exhausting amount of planning, often for a nebulous future. But since she blindsided you with a breakup and blocked your number? No more of that ballache. No worrying about marriage, kids, or satisfying societal expectations for you. Instead, it’s back to your original plan of never growing as a person, which is great.

‘Think of all the hot people who can reject you now’ 

Getting blanked by hot guys was forbidden when you were a couple, but now he’s moved on to someone else you’re free to get shot down by men out of your league all night every night. Pictured their toned, sneering faces and perfect teeth as they dismiss you and your alcohol-fuelled overconfidence and you’ll feel much better.

‘You’ve been here before and you’ll be here again’

The no-man’s land of heartache is your natural habitat. It would be foolish to remove a fish from the sea and expect it to thrive, and the same goes for you when it comes to lovelorn despair. Sure, you might occasionally have little holidays to romance and physical intimacy, but you’ll always boomerang back to your default state. It’s so you!

‘Most relationships are only built on sex anyway’

Other couples may seem happy and loved up, but don’t be fooled. It’s just a front and behind closed doors there’s nothing more to their connection than hour upon hour of steamy, acrobatic, rigorous lovemaking. They’re shallow, empty people with hollow lives. You’re missing out on nothing, except all the sex.

TRUMP claims to have been holding talks with Iran while Iran denies it. So who has he been talking to? 

Himself

Trump is not a man with an internal monologue. He voices his every thought even if it’s about fancying his own daughter. So when alone in the bathroom after his team completed anal clean-up, he began talking to the president of Iran who agreed to be his friend, to abandon nuclear, and to stop blocking Hormuz. Then he came out and announced it.

JD Vance with a towel on

The vice-president hasn’t been seen for a while because he was against war in Iran, which to Trump means he is Iran. He’s occasionally allowed out, a towel is tied around his head and he’s made to role-play as ‘the Ayatollah’. He tried agreeing with everything Trump said in the hope of seeing his family again. Delighted, Trump returned him to the basement.

Zohran Mamdami

‘It’s not that all Middle Eastern people are the same,’ Trump explained. ‘I’m Indian,’ said New York’s mayor. ‘As I was saying, it’s not like you’re all the same but you have a certain insight,’ Trump continued. Given the chance to end the war, Mamdani decided why the f**k not? If Iran doesn’t agree he’ll just pretend they do anyway and at least the bombs stop.

A prank-calling Australian DJ

Somewhere in Sydney, a morning DJ is sitting on a recording of himself putting on the accent of every baddie in a 00s action film and Trump falling for it. With every sentence he pushes the joke further – ‘We will manage the Strait jointly, like gay lovers!’ – and Trump enthusiastically agrees. If he broadcasts this, he will be famous and then killed.

Goose, from the film Top Gun

‘Talk to me, Goose!’ Maverick said, and Trump took it to heart. Ever day since 1986 he’s conversed with the spirit of the late radar intercept officer who’s guided him through life. Yesterday, he said ‘How are we doing on this Iran war, Goose?’ and Goose told him he’d been talking to the late Ayatollah and all his demands were agreed. Thanks, Goose.

Nobody

He knows he’s been in talks to nobody. We know he’s been in talks with nobody. He knows we know, but it amuses him to watch the media scurry about in a panic acting like he has because it’s better than the global economy collapsing. In the ultimate act of humiliation, he’s made every powerful person in the world pretend to believe his bullshit.

FEMINISM? I don’t need it, I’m a white man. But these foreigners coming to Britain? They’ll find no louder feminist than I if they try disrespecting our slags. 

I believe in gender equality, and we’ve achieved it post-Benny Hill. After the third date we’re splitting the bill, that’s how empowering I am. I also support women having careers and property and independence, so they’ve no call to try and move in with me.

Other cultures are different and need watching. You can’t trust them with our liberated women. So it’s as a feminist that I’m putting flags up on lampposts round council estates where they’ve moved in.

They come here and claim a woman is ‘asking for it’ because she’s in a short skirt, which is outrageous. Yes, we’ve all said it, but in English, in a pub full of men laughing along, in keeping with tradition. Not in a menacing, foreign way.

How are Muslims meant to integrate when we can’t even agree on fundamental human rights like pornography? Islam criticises women for drinking and shagging about, whereas I – as a sex positive feminist – am all for it.

Then there’s polygamy. On paper intriguing, but you can’t be practicing it over here. Not with the way family courts are biased against men. I’m thinking of you lads on this one, a four-way divorce would bleed you dry.

But it’s more women’s safety that concerns me. They’ve got to be able to walk the streets with only good-natured cat-calling. They need the freedom to wear low-cut tops without being leered at by non-Caucasians.

They’re delicate creatures; fragile, silly and easily overwhelmed. Which is exactly why we need strong leadership to protect them. Being assaulted by illegals is why that champion of women Donald Trump won office.

Boys will be boys and we’ve all pushed the limits, but it’s harmless fun when white-skinned citizens do it. When a migrant does it, he’s touching our property – I mean, infringing unacceptably on a woman’s person.

So ladies, much as I hate feminism, I’ll use it against them for you. Also, it’s a cracking reason for resuming the bombing of Iran.

LEONID Radvinsky, the owner of OnlyFans, has passed on aged just 43. These are the ways users and content creators are remembering the billionaire who did so much for filth: 

Sing a hymn

Choose a suitable hymn and pay a model an extra £25 to sing The Lord’s My Shepherd while you solemnly wank. Post the lyrics if she’s not familiar with it. If you blow your beans while she trills ‘And my cup overflows with joy’, that’s particularly apt and moving.

A minute’s silent masturbation

Millions of OnlyFans users have echoed Armistice Day for their tributes. Tom Logan of Knutsford said: ‘I went a whole minute without saying anything to CumKittenKate as I pumped the python. Not even an ‘oh yeah’ or ‘urrr’. Then I spunked on my hand and felt pathetic and sad. It’s what Leonid would have wanted.’

Wear black

Obviously it’s inconvenient to pull oneself off in full funeral garb, but a shirt and black tie will suffice. Be careful as the tie is silk and will show stains. Alternatively wear a black novelty condom, which is a suitably sombre colour and signals a certain restraint.

Record a video tribute like Bonnie Blue

‘I owe much of my success to OnlyFans, and while I eventually went too far for the site I see it as vital for the lucrative journey of mad-eyed degradation I have been on. Thank you, Leonid, and this dildo is going up for you.’

Donate to charity 

Leonid donated to medical and animal welfare charities but perhaps the best gesture is to support the site itself. Pay for niche fetish content to help OnlyFans prosper and satisfy your curiosity as to what Cersei Lannister encouraging you to have a wank sounds like.

Dedicate a sex act to him

Much as writers dedicate books to those they have lost, ask an OnlyFans model to say ‘This is dedicated to the memory of Leonid Radvinsky’ as she performs a creampie, bagpipe, or similar. Don’t be afraid to shed a tear at this emotional moment.

Say a prayer 

Even if you’re not a believer, a prayer is nonetheless a mark of respect. If you can’t think of what to say, try: ‘Dear God, if you exist, please check Leonid is settling in okay and the angels attending him are nude. Hopefully you’re chill about OnlyFans, or I’m going to hell.’

With apologies for making you look at half man/half chicken wing Kid Rock without his shirt on, this clip really sums up the fake tough guy machismo infecting anyone still left clinging to the Maga bandwagon. The star of the Turning Point USA Super Bowl halftime show seems to be very angry with anyone who […]

The post Kid Rock tried to threaten anyone who messes with Donald Trump and it’s the laugh we all need right now appeared first on The Poke.

We all love to think we are the most special and unique being that ever blessed this planet with our presence but, sadly, the opposite is true. We’re identikit human units who blindly fall into step with everyone else. They’ve been discussing our propensity for running with the pack on the AskUK subreddit after knight-under-stars […]

The post ‘What things are liked/disliked because people are so used to hearing they should like/dislike them?’ – 23 ways we blindly follow the herd appeared first on The Poke.

The Middle East is on fire and American airport security lines are spilling into the parking lots. Donald Trump is directly responsible for all of it. So naturally, he’s giving us all a lesson on the history of the paperclip. Q: Whose idea was that to put ICE in the airports? Trump: Mine. That was […]

The post Donald Trump compared putting ICE agents in airports to the invention of paperclips and as an insight into his mind right now it’s hard to beat appeared first on The Poke.

If your work life features a lot of tedious meetings, inductions and ice breaker games, you’ll know that making introductory small talk about yourself can get very dull indeed. But have you ever considered just… lying? They’ve been chatting about this on the AskUK subreddit after user eastkent posted about their own revelation… I just […]

The post Somebody asked if people had ‘ever made up stuff just because’ in group situations – 21 deliciously tall tales appeared first on The Poke.

Donald Trump has never had a problem embarrassing himself. Now he wants to bring the rest of his cabinet with him. He took a big step forward on that front with his recent Make America Safe Again roundtable. Sitting at the center of a semi-circle, the President hosted a 90-minute discussion on how to keep […]

The post Stephen Milller’s gratuitous praise for Donald Trump was already jaw-dropping enough but then Kash Patel turned up appeared first on The Poke.