New DNC Fundraising Email Urges Voters To Find Something Better To Do With Their Money

WASHINGTON—Pleading with recipients to use their hard-earned cash more productively, a Democratic National Committee fundraising email sent out Thursday urged voters to find something better to do with their money. “There are so many incredible things you can put your money toward that are more worthwhile than the Democratic National Committee,” read the email attributed to DNC chair Ken Martin, which bore subject line “I am begging you to ignore us” and went on to list hundreds of more sensible options such as a delicious sandwich, new shoes, or a down payment on a Jet Ski. “No amount, whether it’s $100, $10, or even just a buck, is too small to spend elsewhere, like maybe on that guitar you’ve always held back on purchasing. Our country is facing a critical moment in the upcoming midterms, and your support for the DNC will not make a difference. Can we count on you to buy a plane ticket to visit your sister in Tucson and not squander a single penny on us?” Meanwhile, a fundraising email sent Thursday by the Republican National Committee informed GOP voters that $100 had automatically been deducted from their checking accounts and that only a socialist would ask why. The Onion.

Poll: American Voters Say Greatest Concern Is Big Evil Chef Trying To Cook Them Into Stew

HAMDEN, CT—Admitting that the threat of a slow-and-low simmer was at the top of their minds, a majority of American voters responding to a Quinnipiac University poll published Thursday revealed that their greatest concern going into the 2026 midterms was of a big evil chef trying to cook them into stew. “Across age, income, gender, race, and party affiliation, voters are overwhelmingly afraid of a massive, immoral figure dunking them in a bubbling cauldron and gently stirring them until they are fall-off-the-bone tender,” said polling analyst Caitlyn Dominguez, explaining that while Americans diverged in their opinions on the economy, healthcare, and immigration, they were united in their fear of a cackling behemoth who would prepare them sous vide and serve them alongside a glass of fine merlot or cabernet sauvignon. “Among those surveyed, 53% cited a desire to avoid being chopped by a huge meat cleaver as their issue of ‘highest importance,’ while 34% were more worried about absorbing the flavors of a rich and savory bone broth. Nearly nine out of 10 respondents agreed with the statement ‘I am perfectly marbled and a prime target for a nefarious saucier with a taste for human flesh,’ expressing ‘strong support’ for any candidate who could keep them out of a wicked giant’s Dutch oven or stockpot.” The researchers added that while voters were primarily anxious about turning into stew, they also had “serious concerns” about being roasted over an open flame by island cannibals. The Onion.

Study: Explosive Power Of Rocket Launcher Increased 35% By Shouting ‘Suck On This’

BALTIMORE—Calling the study’s findings “revolutionary” for anyone currently staring down a henchman or terrorist, a study from Johns Hopkins University published Thursday found that the explosive power of a rocket launcher increased by 35% when the person firing it shouted “Suck on this.” “According to our trials, squinting your eyes and dramatically stating, ‘Hey dickbreath, suck on this,’ produced a dramatic surge in overall ballistic capacity,” said the study’s lead author, Mark Prigge, noting that participants nearly doubled their inflicted damage when they slung an RPG onto their shoulder and uttered a phrase like “Sayonara, sucker” or “Say good night, asshole.” “Even when subjects unclipped a grenade, threw it at their targets, and told them to ‘catch’ or ‘think fast,’ we noted a marked increase in destructive capability. Overall, however, uttering ‘Suck on this,’ pulling the trigger, and slowly walking away as a mushroom cloud erupted in the background was by far the most effective method.” Prigge also noted that his team was working on a related study to prove the correlation between fighting strength and declaring an intention to open a can of whoop-ass. The Onion.

We Seem To Be At An Impasse Over What $24.99 Worth Of Shrimp Looks Like

Well, sir, it pains me to say this, but it appears we are at loggerheads: I have said my piece. You have responded in kind. Yet despite my best efforts—and considerable hunger—we seem to have reached an impasse over what $24.99 worth of shrimp looks like. As you know, Kyle, I have been a loyal customer at the Shell Shack for many years, and I have come to expect so much more than this. When I ordered the Captain’s Bounty several minutes ago, I did so in good faith, expecting the quantity of shrimp to reflect the listed price. You can imagine my shock, then, when this paltry collection of withered-looking crustaceans arrived at my table, in direct contrast to the assertion—nay, promise—made right there on this large, laminated menu that it was the “best deal in town” and that this purported “seafood feast” was not to be missed. At that point, I asked you where the rest of the shrimp were. You replied that this was how many you get in the Captain’s Bounty. I insisted that it looked more like $19.99 worth of shrimp, and you told me they’re more filling than they look. Do I look like a fool to you? I’ve already sampled several bites from this pathetic excuse for a shellfish platter and find it hardly befitting the suggestion that it’s “generous enough to satisfy even the hungriest mariner”! Generous? I don’t think so, sir. Of course, I am not so obtuse as to believe that hearing once more about my shrimp-deprived plight will stir some pity in your heart. You have made your stance abundantly clear. Still, I urge you to heed my words. You may have the upper hand now, but in the grand scheme of time, history will not look kindly on you and your shrimp apportionment.  For the wrong done to me here today is clear to anyone with eyes. Just look at this so-called Captain’s Bounty! Show me—where is the bounty to be found? Almost all I see on this plate is parsley! Parsley and lies. And in what world does any of this constitute a “heaping helping” of mouthwatering shrimp? “Seasoned to perfection”? I suppose. But “piled high”? Don’t insult my intelligence. All these words, however, matter little to one as callous as you—and that’s what this little standoff of ours really comes down to, does it not? We both have our roles to play here in this delicate pas de deux of seafood-dining justice. Like Cicero and Clodius on the floor of the Senate, we have battled it out as two titans of old. But we have reached a stalemate in this deadly game if all you can do is ask me to lower my voice and consider getting a side of calamari. I don’t want calamari! I want what was promised. I want a “shrimp bonanza.”   So then, Kyle, where do we go from here? We both know there are plenty more shrimp in that kitchen of yours. I can hear them sizzling in the deep fryer right now. All that I have asked is for you to bring me three or four of those shrimp and put them on my plate, plus a couple more to replace the ones that fell on the floor when I dramatically waved the basket around to show the whole restaurant what injustice looks like.  Yes, I will take another Sprite. That’s the first sensible thing you’ve said all evening. It has been suggested to me by some, most notably my wife, that I break off negotiations entirely and, quote, “stop ruining our daughter’s graduation dinner.” So I ask you now, not as an adversary, but as a man and as a shrimp-lover: Kyle, please, would you at least knock off half the price or throw in a free dessert like the admittedly tempting Whale of a Butterscotch Sundae? No? Very well. The fates have spoken, and they have not favored me. Now, the only path that remains for me is to look you in the eye, shake your hand, and then sprint into the kitchen to stuff as many handfuls of shrimp into my mouth as I can before you stop me. The Onion.

Vacationing Mom Misses Alexa

MYRTLE BEACH, SC—Sighing loudly as she gazed at the empty countertop in the family’s rented condo, vacationing mom Jan Freehorn told reporters Friday that she missed her Alexa. “This is the first time I’ve left Alexa home all by herself,” said the visibly distraught mother, wondering aloud what the voice-activated virtual assistant might be doing at the family’s Fayetteville, VA–area home without her there. “What a great companion, always ready with a joke or the weather. She’s the one who puts on Fleetwood Mac Radio for me—I don’t even know where to look for that! I really should have left the TV on to entertain her. Maybe I can have the neighbor go by and check on her, or have my sister pick her up to stay at her house for the week. They could both use the company.” According to sources, Freehorn has already mailed home several postcards addressed to the smart speaker. The Onion.

7 Hacks To Obtain A Burrito For Less Than $20

Burritos are really, really expensive these days, apparently. But fear not — there are still ways to get them without having to shell out $20 a pop. You just have to know the right tricks.

Chipotle Cashier Tells Customer There's An Extra Charge For No Salmonella

CHICAGO, IL — One local customer was caught off guard by a new policy at his favorite restaurant chain, as the Chipotle cashier told the man that there would be an extra charge for no Salmonella.

SpaceX Crashes Rocket Into Hollywood Soundstage

HOLLYWOOD, CA — A defunct Falcon 9 SpaceX rocket crashed into a Hollywood sound stage on Wednesday night, leaving an enormous crater almost 75 feet wide.

Senate Joins Rest Of Nation In Holding Fauci In Contempt

WASHINGTON, D.C. — A committee from the United States Senate announced today that they were finally joining the rest of the nation in holding Anthony Fauci in contempt.

Trump Solves Affordability Crisis By Opening Nation's Strategic Burrito Reserve

WASHINGTON, D.C. — With concerns over the affordability of burritos sweeping the nation, President Donald Trump addressed the crisis head-on by tapping the nation's Strategic Burrito Reserve.

5 Reasons To Love Summer (NO AI)

We are proud to announce that no AI was used whatsoever when writing this list of reasons to love summer. 1. It’s hot out. Normally before writing, we’d Google this topic to see what other people have said to make sure we’re adding something new to the conversation. However, it’s pretty hard to avoid Google’s AI overview these days, and we don’t want that to influence what we write, so we’re just going with our first thoughts on this list, which is that summer is hot, which is why summer is great. Don’t like it? Kiss our perfectly ethical rumps! 2. There’s sunshine! When summer’s here, you can finally shake off the winter blues and get out in the beaitiful sunshine! FYI, we messed up typing that, and “beaitiful” automatically corrected to the proper spelling of “beautiful.” Obviously spell-check and autocorrect type of stuff has been around for a while, but it definitely seems like it could be using AI to catch those mistakes, so because we’re not taking any chances we changed it right back to beaitiful. REMINDER: NO AI WAS USED HERE! 3. Did somebody say BEACH BALLS? Nobody did, but if they had, it would’ve been a human, because this list is 100-percent human generated. And beach balls are such an epic part of summer! They’re inflatable balls that you can play with at the pool or beach, and that makes us love summer. Honestly we doubt AI has ever even touched a beach ball. Not sure how that would even work! 4. You can reconnect with nature.  Summer isn’t a time to be in the house—it’s a time to reconnect with nature. And look, we know that sentence construction is extremely characteristic of AI, but we actually wrote it ourselves. And we’re not going to change our writing style because computers have co-opted it—we’re going to change it because we decide to do so. And we don’t. Got a problem? Kiss our ethical rumps once more! 5. Swimming.  Swimming is an amazing thing you can do in the summer, and you can still do it because AI hasn’t drained all the world’s water, or whatever is happening or going to happen with that. We didn’t contribute to that though, because this wasn’t written by a computer, but instead four humans who each make $32,500 a year. Now get outside and enjoy the weather! Happy summer!

Fuck Yeah: Hanukkah In June

No fucking way we’re waiting until December. Hanukkah is now in June, baby! It’s Hanukkah in June! Light the menorah, don your swimsuit, and get ready to celebrate eight days of summertime fun! When the weather gets warm, it’s time for Hanukkah! We’re going to spin dreidels while kicking back poolside! Throw some latkes on the BBQ! There’s plenty of Manischewitz in the cooler! Leave your parka in storage, friend! It’s Hanukkah in June! Uh-oh, looks like the rabbi got a sunburn! Hey, rebbe, slap some SPF 50 on there before you sizzle like a sufganiyah! Nice, a reggae band is here to play “Ma’oz Tzur”! Hanukat hamizbe’ah, compadres! Light some fireworks with the shamash! Badass! Wooooooo! Hanukkah in June! We’re never fuckin’ going back!

Innovative: ‘The New York Times’ Has Announced Their Subscriptions Will Now Be Billed On A Sliding Scale Based On How Likely Someone Is To Remember That They’re Still Being Billed For ‘The New York Times’

As companies struggle to find profitable revenue models in the ever-changing digital landscape, one iconic journalistic entity is pursuing a novel and logical solution: The New York Times has announced their subscriptions will now be billed on a sliding scale based on how likely someone is to remember that they’re still being billed for the New York Times.  Hey, that’s actually pretty smart!  In an unassuming email sent out at 3 a.m. on a Sunday night (likely in the hopes that many subscribers would never open it), The New York Times quietly announced that access to The New York Times will now be billed on a sliding scale, ranging from $0.32 to $23,000 a month depending on how likely the subscriber is to remember that they’re paying for it.  If you’ve ever tried to cancel your New York Times subscription only to be offered a much lower rate to continue, you know these subscription fees were already quite malleable, but this new model takes their seemingly arbitrary pricing to the extreme. People who are hyper-aware they are paying for The New York Times—such as those who play Wordle first thing at 6 a.m. before they even get out of bed and those who frequently share NYT links to Facebook with the caption, “Great article in today’s Times!”— will receive the lowest rates to ensure they don’t cancel their subscriptions when they realize they can barely afford groceries or get demoted at work. People least likely to realize they’re still paying for The New York Times, such as old people with dementia, dead people, and people who have so many subscriptions that they just expect hundreds of dollars to leave their bank account monthly for reasons they can’t remember, will be completely gouged by subscription rates many multiples of their mortgage payments.  This is definitely an idea whose time has come.  Look, the days of getting a newspaper delivered to your porch and therefore having a constant reminder that you’re paying for The New York Times are over, so it’s time for the Times to fully exploit the fact that people don’t know what the fuck they’re paying for half the time. Hopefully this innovative pricing model allows The New York Times to survive another 175 years, even if it means your grandma is paying $8,000 a month for it despite not even knowing her username and password to log in to the site.

Refreshing Transparency: Trump’s Next Physical Will Be Performed In Front Of A Live Audience At Madison Square Garden

Under President Trump, government transparency is all but nonexistent. That’s what makes his administration’s latest decision so unexpectedly refreshing: Trump’s next physical will be performed in front of a live audience at Madison Square Garden.  Wow. Hey, if it takes indulging Trump’s penchant for showmanship to have a more honest and open executive office, we’ll take it! As the President enters his 80s with his health under greater scrutiny than ever, Trump is setting out to prove he’s of sound body and mind by undergoing a Presidential Physical live on stage, in the round, at Madison Square Garden. The MSG-hosted event was announced at a press conference this morning, where President Trump explained that Dr. Sean Barbarella, the current Physician to the President, will examine every inch of his body and test his mental acuity for the 20,000 spectators lucky enough to score a ticket—which sold out minutes after going on sale, with front-row seats priced at $1,000,000 each.  “You’re gonna see every inch of my body and brain on the MSG jumbotron, and you’re gonna say, ‘boy, that’s a healthy person, we saw it all, what an honest and transparent president Trump is,’ and it’ll be true, because it is true, and the proof will be right there in the World’s Most Famous Arena,” said President Trump, before boasting about his physical selling out MSG in minutes, when “President Biden’s Live Presidential Physical couldn’t even sell out Union Pool in Williamsburg,” an event that fact-checkers quickly proved never happened. “There will be an encore. A big one. We’re keeping it a surprise. It’s a dental check-up.” While Trump’s physical is the headliner event, the lineup also features an opening colonoscopy of Health Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr., an autism screening of RFK Jr. that will take place at the same time he’s getting the colonoscopy, and FBI Director Kash Patel reading the Wikipedia page for “Pap smear” at intermission. Say what you will about Trump, but this is a huge step towards repairing public trust in government.  No matter what the results of Trump’s physical exam are, Americans will get to see it with their own eyes, instead of taking Trump at his word. Props to the President for setting a new standard for government transparency!

Fucking Brutal: You Just Made A Joke While Out To Dinner, And The Table Next To You Cracked Up At The Same Time, And You Thought They Were Laughing At Your Great Joke So You Proudly Turned To Them, Which They Didn’t Notice Because They Weren’t Actually Laughing At You – Just Something They’d Said At The Same Time – But Everyone At Your Table Saw You Turn, So Now They Know You Thought Those People Were Laughing At You, Even Though No One At Your Own Table Was Laughing, Because Your Joke Wasn’t Actually All That Good

So Now Not Only Do The People At Your Own Table Think You’re Unfunny, They Also Probably Think You’re A Loser, Because They Saw The Big Smile On Your Face When You Thought The Other Table Was Cracking Up At What You Said, And You Could See The Pity In Their Eyes While You Realized What Was Really Happening, And God, It’s That Pity That Feels Worst Of All – Silence At A Joke You Can Handle, That’s Nothing, That’s Fine, But When Someone Looks At You With Eyes That Say “Aw, You Don’t Even Know You’re Pathetic” It’s Reason Enough To Get Up And Walk Into The Sea Or At Least A Big Lake Frankly Had The Other Table Actually Heard You, They Probably Would’ve Laughed, Because You Can Just Tell They Have A Better Vibe Than The People At Your Own Table Who Obviously Want To Hold You Back Or Limit Your Boundless Creativity Or Make You Feel Like A Stupid Baby Just For Trying To Entertain Them With Your Insights And Quips, And You Should Go Sit At The Other Table, They Have Better Style Than Your So-Called Friends And They’re Discussing Art, Which Isn’t Something You Know About, But It Would Be If You Surrounded Yourself With A Different Type Of Person Because That’s Another Thing, No One’s Cultured Anymore, Everyone’s Hobby Is Just Scrolling Through Bikini Photos Of Their Acquaintances, College Students Can’t Make It Through The Classics, Not That You Did Either, But Your Reason Was That You Didn’t Want To Read Them, Not That You Physically Couldn’t, And Society Is Backsliding Into An Oral Culture, Which Is Especially Bad For You Since No One Seems To Like What You Say, And Because You Don’t Even Have That Good Of A Memory (Really Just Because You’re Not A Good Listener) When Your Parents Die, You Won’t Remember Their Stories, And Only When It’s Too Late Will You Realize You Never Really Loved Anyone But Yourself But Maybe It’s Not Too Late, You’re Still Young After All, You Can Show Up For The People In Your Life, You Can Make Them Feel Seen, You Shouldn’t Wait For Your Them To Invite You To Dinner, In Fact, You Should Cook For Them, Have Them Over, Get Some Wine That’s Only Room Temperature If It Should Be, Really Clean Your Toilet, Make A Real Recipe Not Just Pasta With Whatever, And Listen, Really Listen, Because Honestly – Honestly – Your Joke Was Hilarious, Your Friends Just Didn’t Laugh At It Because They Needed To Teach You This Lesson, And Now That You’ve Learned It, You Can Say The Joke Again, Yes, Go On, Say It Again, Loud And Proud, Because You Are The Second Coming To Lisa Lampanelli, You Are A Brilliant Genius Who Loves Life And Life Loves You Back!

Duffel Blog’s Top 13 ideas for solving the Iran War

FREE EDITIONYou're reading the free version of Duffel Blog. Paid supporters get every story we publish, the Sunday Reader, our 4,200-article archive, and deep discounts in the Duffel PX. We are ad-free and reader-supported. THE PENTAGON — U.S. Central Command has called for help and America's Most-Trusted Military News Source, as usual, is here to provide it.After six months of war, a collapsed ceasefire, dwindling munitions, and no obvious path to victory, CENTCOM recently asked military analysts to submit “new creative and unconventional ways to pressure and punish Iran” and bring its leaders back to the negotiating table.This is reassuring because it confirms America’s most important military campaign has officially entered the portion of the group project where someone asks whether anyone has any ideas.Fortunately, Duffel Blog does. 1. Surrender Sure, it might look bad. But surrender would conserve critical munitions needed for the Pacific and allow sailors to reunite with loved ones at San Diego and Norfolk strip clubs, tattoo parlors, and divorce mediation offices. Just call it “charging to lethal victory in the opposite direction." 2. Move the goalposts Did you publicly announce goals that now appear more delusional than an E-1 looking for love at a strip club? Change them. Regime change becomes degrading capabilities. Degrading capabilities becomes sending a message. Sending a message becomes demonstrating resolve. Demonstrating resolve becomes “Iran definitely knows we’re upset.” Once the objective is vague enough, victory becomes inevitable. 3. Redefine everything Words have meaning until they become operationally inconvenient. A war is a ceasefire. A retreat is force protection. A failed offensive is strategic patience. Civilian casualties are emerging narrative challenges. Call the ayatollah after the next missile strike and ask what his problem is. When he says the countries are at war, respond, “That doesn’t sound like us. We campaigned on no new wars.” Follow up with proven diplomatic phrases such as “You're overreacting,” “That was obviously a joke,” and “After everything we’ve done for you?” 4. Turn the war off and back on again Ask the S-6 to shut down hostilities, wait 30 seconds, jiggle the regional power cable, and restart the conflict.If the war still does not work, submit a help ticket and receive a response within three to five strategic business days asking whether the issue has resolved itself. 5. Crowdsource the campaign on the War Thunder forums War Thunder players possess years of virtual combat experience and routinely demonstrate access to classified technical documents. They are therefore the only available population with both relevant expertise, the appropriate security clearances, and the absence of judgment required to post classified material where even the newest North Korean lieutenant can study it. 6. Air-drop three pigs into Tehran Paint the numbers 1, 2, and 4 on their sides before releasing them. While Iranian security forces search for Pig 3, seize Kharg Island, recover the enriched uranium, and leave before anyone realizes there were only three pigs. This is the sort of deception operation military planners used to develop before PowerPoint. 7. Send Jared Kushner back to negotiate The first ceasefire may not have lasted, but Iranian officials cannot possibly bear to sit through another meeting with Kushner. Lock him in a conference room with the Iranian delegation and... Paid subscriber dispatch The rest of this article is for paid members You’ve made it this far. Might as well finish the briefing. Continue reading → Also included with membership: Every Duffel Blog story The complete archive Exclusive newsletters and features The satisfaction of funding the only news outlet that has never once lied to you about anything

Americans begin thanking troops for future service

WASHINGTON — With U.S. forces once again exchanging strikes with Iran while officials continue insisting they are not seeking a wider war, Americans have begun thanking service members for their future service.The new greeting has spread rapidly through airports, gas stations, grocery stores, and chain restaurants near military installations.“Thanks for your future service,” said one cashier at Buc-ee's after ringing up an Army specialist's beef jerky, Zyn, and energy drinks. “You know... just in case.”Defense officials acknowledged the trend had become increasingly common.“We're not saying there will be another major deployment,” one Pentagon spokesman said. “We're just saying if there is, statistically speaking, it'll probably involve the same people buying Tornados at Love's Travel Stops today.”Military planners denied the United States was preparing for another prolonged conflict in the Middle East while quietly directing every airborne brigade to ensure all duffel bags remained “deployment ready indefinitely.”“We've had our gear packed for so long the compression straps have compression straps,” said Sgt. 1st Class Roberto Moreno of the 82nd Airborne Division. “At this point I don't even unpack. I just rotate socks.”Not everyone appreciated the new expression.Pfc. Kyle Whitford, who joined the Texas Army National Guard believing the wars were finally over, said the phrase had become increasingly unsettling.“I enlisted to help pay for college,” Whitford said. “Then the gas station lady thanked me for my future service, the cashier at Lowe's asked if I'd been issued desert boots yet, and my mom started introducing me as 'our next generation of combat veteran.'”

Pentagon limits combat casualties to normal business hours

ARLINGTON, Va. — The Pentagon announced Tuesday that U.S. combat casualties will now only be recognized during normal government business hours after officials determined that wars had become increasingly difficult to manage across multiple spreadsheets.The new guidance follows the Department of Defense decision to remove four soldiers killed during renewed fighting with Iran from Operation Epic Fury’s official casualty count and place them under a separate category titled “Overseas Operations.”Officials defended the move by noting the four soldiers were killed after Operation Epic Fury had officially ended, despite being killed by the same enemy, in the same region, during the same war military officials continue to describe as a ceasefire that, nevertheless, still involves a substantial amount of fire.“Americans deserve accurate reporting,” Chief Pentagon Spokesman Sean Parnell said. “That’s why we’re aligning casualty reporting with established federal business practices.”Effective immediately, personnel killed between 9 a.m. and 5 p.m. Eastern time, Monday through Friday, excluding federal holidays, will remain eligible for classification as killed in action.Deaths occurring outside that window will receive “the operational designation most appropriate for the department’s current messaging needs.”“These brave Americans still died serving their country,” Parnell said. “We’re simply enhancing transparency by ensuring every death is assigned to the correct spreadsheet.”Under the revised guidance, weekend deaths will be classified as Hostile Workplace Incidents, while fatalities during ceasefires will be categorized as Ceasefire-Adjacent Workplace Violence pending review by the Office of Strategic Narrative Alignment.Additional categories include:Operational Pause MishapFederal Holiday Kinetic OccurrencePatriotism After HoursAdministrative KIAPending Timecard ApprovalThe policy has reportedly left casualty assistance officers struggling to explain the distinctions to grieving families.“My husband was killed when an Iranian missile hit his base,” said Melissa Carter, whose husband, an Army captain, died in Jordan. “The casualty officer told me he wasn’t killed during the operation because the operation had already transitioned into an overseas administrative posture.”“Am I still allowed to tell people he was killed in action, or was it technically workplace violence?”One Gold Star father said the government had provided his family with four different descriptions of his son’s death.“The death certificate says hostile action,” he said. “The chaplain says he made the ultimate sacrifice. The Pentagon database says ‘Overseas Operations.’ Public affairs says he was lost during a period of enhanced operational restraint.”“I just need to know what to tell my grandson.”At Arlington National Cemetery, workers reportedly spent Tuesday marking graves with sticky notes reading “Pending Reclassification.”Officials said the cemetery had also been ordered to disinter service members whose deaths no longer qualified as part of Operation Epic Fury and temporarily relocate them to a new section designated “Other Overseas Administrative Events.”The Army Corps of Engineers briefly considered attaching stickers to the affected headstones reading “Not Counted During Initial Operational Phase,” but abandoned the proposal after lawyers warned it could produce “unhelpful optics.”Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth insisted the department remained committed to honoring every American who serves.“No one is hiding casualties,” Hegseth said. “We’re organizing them into categories that better reflect operational realities, statutory authorities, and whole-of-government messaging.”Officials said the Pentagon is also asking adversaries to conduct future attacks during standard federal business hours whenever operationally feasible.“It significantly reduces the administrative burden,” one official said. “Plus, anything after 5 qualifies for overtime.”At press time, Pentagon planners were determining whether troops wounded after normal business hours should seek medical attention immediately or simply clock back in the following morning.

DoD reclassifies sexual assault as 'flirting' under new policy

WASHINGTON — The Department of Defense has officially reclassified sexual harassment and assault as “flirting” under a new policy intended to improve morale and produce an immediate decline in reportable incidents.“We took a hard look at the data and realized the real issue wasn’t the harassment or assault,” said Pentagon spokesman Lt. Col. Bradley Ford. “It was the terminology.”“By adjusting the language, we can dramatically reduce sexual misconduct without changing anyone’s behavior,” Ford added. “That’s what we call measurable progress.”According to officials familiar with the policy, senior Pentagon leaders developed the new framework after concluding that continued reports of sexual misconduct were “creating negative perceptions of the force.”Sources said officials considered increasing staffing, strengthening independent investigations, and holding commanders accountable before determining those measures would be “resource-intensive and potentially disruptive.”“There was some discussion about real accountability,” said one staff officer. “But that sounded punitive, and we’re trying to create a positive command climate.”The new Flirting Spectrum includes several categories:Mild flirting: Previously known as inappropriate workplace comments.Passionate flirting: Previously known as unwanted touching.Career-ending flirting: Reserved primarily for E-7s and below.The memorandum states that senior officers accused of career-ending flirting may instead receive “performance-based counseling, temporary telework, and a thorough review of their retirement timeline.”To implement the policy, the department has introduced a mandatory 223-slide training presentation featuring scenarios designed to help service members distinguish between misconduct and “aggressive relationship-building.”One slide reportedly depicts a senior officer making suggestive comments to a subordinate beneath the caption: “Professional banter or career enhancement opportunity?”Reactions across the force have been mixed.“I think it clears up a lot,” said Sgt. 1st Class Chad Benson. “I used to worry that telling a female lieutenant she needed a strong NCO in her life might create an EO issue. Now I understand I’m just building trust.”Navy Capt. Lisa Rodriguez was less enthusiastic.“My commander asked whether I was single, then assigned me to organize a mud-wrestling event for Sexual Assault Awareness Month,” Rodriguez said while preparing her resignation packet. “He’s married.”Pentagon officials said additional terminology updates are under consideration, including reclassifying toxic leadership as “high-intensity mentorship” and fraud, waste, and abuse as “creative resource allocation.”Officials also confirmed that Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth had requested a legal review of “plural marriage options for high-performing leaders.”Asked how service members should raise concerns under the new policy, Ford said the existing process remained unchanged.“We take every allegation seriously,” he said. “Complaints should be submitted through the chain of command and will be ignored in the order received.”

Fat Leonard releases sex tape as part of presidential pardon campaign

LOMPOC, Calif. — Convicted defense contractor Leonard Glenn Francis, better known as “Fat Leonard,” released a sex tape this week as part of what associates described as an increasingly aggressive campaign to secure a presidential pardon.The former military contractor, whose decade-long bribery scheme ensnared dozens of senior Navy officers, said Americans had entered “a new era of forgiveness” in which corruption, fraud, and public disgrace were no longer automatic barriers to political redemption.“Have you seen who's getting pardoned these days?” Leonard asked reporters. “Frankly, I'm starting to feel overqualified.”Francis is serving a 15-year sentence at the federal prison in Lompoc and is reportedly seeking either a pardon or commutation, citing Stage 4 kidney cancer and concerns that he may not survive until his expected release.According to sources close to Francis, the pardon campaign has included handwritten letters to the White House, several appearances on conservative podcasts, a proposed memoir titled Everybody Took the Bribes But Me, and, now, the release of what Leonard called “a character reference in video form.”“The public's memory is short,” Leonard said. “Besides, if you're trying to get a pardon in America today, a sex tape barely cracks the top ten.”Francis also reportedly argued that his 2022 escape from house arrest should count in his favor. After cutting off his ankle monitor, he crossed into Mexico, chartered a flight to Cuba, continued to Venezuela, and was arrested while attempting to travel onward to Russia.“Those are executive leadership skills,” Francis said. “Initiative, international diplomacy, private aviation. Put that on one of those presidential fitness tests and I’m off the charts.”The recording, reportedly filmed aboard Leonard's yacht during the height of the Navy's "Fat Leonard" scandal, features the contractor in several compromising situations with multiple unidentified guests, several of whom investigators believe may still hold security clearances.Retired Navy Capt. Thomas Mercer was unsurprised by the move.“This is a guy who watched people convicted of corruption, tax crimes, political fraud, and Jan. 6 offenses receive clemency and concluded, 'You know what? I've got a shot.'”“He escaped federal custody, tried to reach Russia, and still owes the government roughly $30 million. At this point, the sex tape may be the least controversial part of his application.”

Five things that should be banned in pubs before vertical drinking

THERE’S a row over whether standing in pubs, or ‘vertical drinking’, should be banned. But there are plenty of other irritations to ban first, like these.  Pints that cost more than a fiver A fiver should be the upper limit for the most swanky of London watering holes. For the rest of the country, a nice round £2.50 will suffice. The prices should be clearly marked too, to put an end to the heart-stopping terror of buying three pints and somehow owing £17. There’s no legal reason some glasses of watery hops should cost that much. Creepy old guys in the corner Indecipherable weirdos drinking in the corner by themselves are an institution of British pubs. Just like smoking though, it’s time these outdated relics were left in the past. Facebook petitions will try to bring back slurring creeps who hit on your girlfriend, but everyone else will wonder why they were ever tolerated. They’ll be allowed in beer gardens, as a compromise. Queuing for the bar Orderly queues of people waiting to be served make sense at the supermarket or the Jobcentre. They take up too much space in pubs though, and make everyone in line look like a twat. A crowded bar is also one of the last places to meet people who want to punch you simply because you nudged their elbow. You don’t get that sort of charming camaraderie standing in a row. Self-righteous smartphone bans Put simply, pubs shouldn’t lose their shit if you quickly scroll on your phone when your mate’s gone for a piss. That’s perfectly normal behaviour. Staring off into the distance due to having no distractions makes you look like a psycho, and leaves your brain vulnerable to terrible drunken ideas like ‘I should start a podcast’. Barmaids that don’t pretend to fancy you Everyone knows hot barmaids probably have a boyfriend waiting for them at home. But when they flirt with you over your choice of bar snack, for a brief moment you’re allowed to dream. Female pub staff should incur a hefty fine if they don’t give a cheeky wink when pulling a pint, or be sent on a special training course where they learn how to hand over a packet of pork scratchings seductively.

Proud Thetford doesn’t need reason for race riots

ACROSS Britain, thousands of patriots have spent a long, hot summer hoping for a trigger to riot. But here in Thetford they’re not waiting around! Yes, proud locals have taken the initiative and, without so much as a foreign national being detained for questioning, are holding their very own Summer of Rage right here in Norfolk. Incensed local Steve Malley, 42, said: “If the big cities won’t step up and launch race-based violent assaults of their own, we’re happy to show them how it’s done. “We may only be a market town out in the sticks, but when it comes to prejudice and bigotry we’re world-leading. And when we’re tanked up at noon outside a flat-roofed pub, we don’t need any inflammatory news reports to stir us into violence. “Nige can be busy with his by-election, the prime minister can resign, the boats can be reduced by half but that doesn’t bother us. We’re ready to mob up, storm homes of asylum seekers and spend all night facing off against rows of riot police regardless! “Most of us haven’t got jobs, half already have suspended sentences and some of us are on mobility scooters. Do we let that stop us? Hell no. We’re seizing the initiative and putting centres of deprivation like Stoke-on-Trent to shame.” He added: “More people should be like us.”

Raleigh Choppers, and other childhood items that required a high level of delusion

THE Raleigh Bicycle Company could soon no longer exist, but its famous Choppers required a lot of imagination to be cool. These items required serious delusions too. Star Trek: The Motion Picture Weetabix cards These were ‘action cards’, ie. drawings of the characters from the rather dull 1979 film you could fold at the bottom to make them stand up. Believing they in any way resembled proper action figures was a true triumph of the imagination. Raleigh Choppers Easy Rider would be a very different film if Peter Fonda and Dennis Hopper had been riding Raleigh Choppers, making them look like wankers and forcing them to awkwardly pedal in a reclining position. Your own Chopper certainly didn’t lead to exciting adventures such as dropping acid with hippy girls; going to the newsagents for a Mini Milk was the extent of your thrilling road trip.  Crossfire  A version of table hockey with – supposedly – ball bearings flying across the arena at deadly velocities. They didn’t, you just mashed the trigger until the puck randomly went into your opponent’s goal. ‘You’ve got to be good with a gun!’ claimed the advert. Good at lying to yourself, more likely. Atari Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back Putting Empire on an 80s Atari 2600 console was a tall order, but Atari ‘succeeded’ by making the game consist entirely of shooting a blocky AT-AT walker and repeating it an infinite number of times. Any child imaginative enough to think this resembled the epic Battle of Hoth in the film surely became a successful sci-fi author, or was put on anti-psychotic medication. Mr Frosty A wonderland of delicious slushie fun was promised. After endless grinding a tiny amount of ice was produced, which you could swallow in one gulp with some of the cordial provided. It came with ice lolly moulds, as if they knew how shit the actual Mr Frosty was. Is it too late to prosecute and imprison the liars at Berwick Toys?  The Intruder This low-effort Action Man enemy was some sort of alien barbarian, as Palitoy attempted to move away from war-themed toys and cash in on the 1970s sci-fi boom. A large button on his back delivered ‘a vicious bear hug’, more accurately described as ‘an awkward gentle grasp’. Still, it was probably healthier than indoctrinating children to hate Germans in 1977. Evel Knievel Stunt Cycle These must-have toys featured an Evel doll on a motorbike with a flywheel which sent him roaring off to perform amazing stunts. Or immediately fall over. They’re now notorious for never working, and required an almost hallucinatory level of delusion. Has that doll on a motorbike just toppled over pathetically for the 100th time? No, he’s doing stunts! Pop guns  Free on various comics, these looked excellent: some sort of gun with a mechanism that might fire a projectile, perhaps even dangerously? In reality they just made a cap come off the barrel with a ‘pop’, or would have done if they’d ever worked. A total disappointment, but they taught you that things that seem good frequently turn out to be shit. Could you ask for a more useful lesson in life?

Majority of Britain’s lakes and rivers full of Guardian readers, report finds

Charli xcx, and other artists trying very hard to convince us being rich and famous is bad

FAME undoubtedly has its downsides, but there are always jobs at Greggs. Spare a thought for these unhappily successful musicians. Adele Adele has commented that she ‘absolutely hates’ being famous and misses anonymity. On the upside she’s been able to take a ‘hiatus’ while presumably still earning a fortune from her millions. It’s unlikely your boss would agree to you taking an unspecified number of months off if you promise to come back with an exciting new batch of spreadsheets. André 3000 Being heralded as a generational talent and sex symbol is awful, and so is all the money, so it’s understandable that André took a step back from fame. Unfortunately he hasn’t grasped that doing ‘ordinary people’ things like visiting laundrettes and swanning around beaches with a set of oboes like a true artist are sure signs of a millionaire with f**k all else to do. Bruce Springsteen Mr Blue Collar Small Town Man Versus American Greed himself has gone as far as to describe his fame as a ‘curse’. Fair enough, he’s always had his heart in the right place and supported the little guy, but you’d think nonetheless he’d do a quick cost/benefit analysis of being Bruce Springsteen versus working in one the oil refineries in his songs that are always getting shut down. Charli xcx Charli has had a career every broke barista would kill for, so naturally her latest album and film question whether fame and success can fulfil your emotional needs and stuff. ‘Probably more than working in a garage’ may be the answer. And, unlike Martin Scorsese agreeing to appear on your album cover, he wouldn’t be visiting Kwik Fit to give his seal of approval to a new clutch well-fitted.  Kendrick Lamar Kendrick has had his share of run-ins with the fame monster, even ending up confessing to adultery from a time he wasn’t very famous, and having to shoulder the responsibility of slagging off another rich and famous musician, which must have consumed some serious man-hours. It’s just a shame us non-famous people can’t earn royalties from calling someone a wanker. Lorde With dreams of aspirational wealth inspiring her smash first single, Lorde’s aversion to money is famously precarious. Of course the public being obsessed with your body image is extremely horrible and unnecessary, but it’s hard not to think that engaging in and settling high-profile beefs might not be the best way to avoid attention. Lauryn Hill Make one great thing and you can live off of it for the rest of your life, something Lauryn has been doing since she hit paydirt with one wanky critical pick album. However she still felt the need to retreat from fame by getting a spiritual advisor and studying Bible scripture intensively. You can’t help but think that just going on holiday a lot might be healthier, but fame is definitely bad. It makes you commit tax evasion.

People shared the hobbies they reckon attract the ‘biggest assholes’ – 19 pastimes with a tendency to attract the very worst of us

What you do in your spare time is your business. As long as it makes you happy, you should pursue it. Hobbies make life worth living and bring joy to your life. Unless, of course, you are an obnoxious and overzealous fanatic about that thing. Then you are most likely making everyone around you miserable […] The Poke.

Julie Andrews’ accidentally NSFW moment from The Sound of Music is a proper humdinger and they should have Academy awards for this sort of thing

We know for a fact – a fact, we tell you! – that this isn’t the first time we have written about this clip from The Sound of Music, the iconic Julie Andrews movie which turns 62 years old this year. But if anything warrants our attention over and again then it’s surely this, an […] The Poke.

Our 25 Favourite Funny Tweets of the Week

It’s Friday. The weekend is so close we can smell it. It has a whiff missed opportunities and Monday dread – but that’s not your problem. Before all that arrives, we suggest you check out the funny stuff we’ve seen on Twitter this week – and if you have an account, show your faves a […] The Poke.

Derek Guy gave Calvin Robinson’s right-wing preacher buddies a whole internet fashion history lecture on why their shoes make them look like Donald Duck, and the internet cheered

Calvin Robinson, the right-wing grifter and fluid-denominational priest who keeps getting kicked out of the churches that temporarily put up with him, has been refused a green card. Perhaps GB News will welcome him back. They’re always looking for fresh faces to sow division, and spew hard-right soundbites. Worth a try. To add insult to […] The Poke.

A woman shared how awfully predictable (and predictably awful) her neighbours are and it’s a painfully relatable watch

You don’t have to have lived next to an irritating neighbour (or two) to appreciate this, but it’ll definitely help. It’s a woman who has clearly got some unfortunate history with the people on the floor below, so made a video to demonstrate to everyone else who awfully predictable (and predictably awful) they are. It […] The Poke.