The Onion
Antichrist Rolls Eyes Throughout Peter Thiel Lecture
ROME—In addition to crossing his arms and shaking his head as he listened to the tech billionaire spread blatant misinformation about the End Times, the Antichrist reportedly rolled his eyes Monday throughout a lecture given by Peter Thiel. “This second-rate charlatan doesn’t know the first goddamn thing about my plans to bring widespread doom,” said the Beast, who grimaced and exhaled black plumes of smoke from his nose while sitting in the front row of the 2,000-person auditorium. “It’s so annoying when armchair eschatologists discuss the Battle of Armageddon without really knowing jack shit. Inverting the order of Christ is something I’m super into, of course. But this guy barely scratches the surface of my schemes, and what details he does bring up are completely fucking wrong. Like, does he seriously think the U.N. has anything to do with the apocalypse? If his claims weren’t so laughable, I’d almost feel the need to publicly correct his dumb ass.” According to lecture attendees, the Lawless One grew fed up and stormed out of the building after Peter Thiel suggested the Antichrist might be Greta Thunberg.
The Onion.
Deborah Fitzgerald and Quentin Korda
Deborah Fitzgerald and Quentin Korda: The happy couple were wed in a quiet ceremony attended by 20 friends and one new virus the rest of the world will learn about soon enough.
The Onion.
The Onion’s Top State Fair Foods
As late summer gives way to early fall, many Americans will head to the fair and seek out their favorite regional delicacies. Here are The Onion’s top state fair foods.
Smoked Carny Leg
Whole Branzino On A Stick
Big Ol’ Gulp From The Hose
Tums Egg Roll
Tarred-And-Feathered Corn Dog
Deep-Fried Items From The Lost And Found
Man Curds
Single 4,000-Calorie Peanut
The Onion.
Everyone Needs To Calm Down, Reports Man Who Accidentally Shot Someone
CLARKTON, NC—Stressing the need to get a grip and think clearly for a second, local man Ryan Kruze, who had just accidentally shot someone, reportedly urged all the people around him on Friday to calm down. “Okay, everyone, let’s just take a deep breath and pull ourselves together,” said Kruze, who, after discharging his firearm while wrongfully assuming the safety was on, suggested that a moment of peace and quiet would be clutch for regaining composure. “It’s important that we all take a step back to collect ourselves. We don’t want to do something we might regret, like call the police. Fuck, Dave, for Christ’s sake, will you stop bleeding? You’re freaking everyone out!” At press time, sources confirmed Kruze’s attempt to get everyone to calm down had hit a roadblock after he accidentally shot several more people.
The Onion.
Ariana Grande Takes Break From Public Life Amid ‘Endless Scrutiny’
Representatives of pop star and actress Ariana Grande announced she is taking a break from public life, citing “endless, ongoing public scrutiny” of her health and physical appearance. What do you think?
“I can’t wait to scrutinize her comeback.”
Jill Krieger, Mongoose Herder
“I stopped going to the doctor for the exact same reason.”
Kevin Ngo, Diamond Wearer
“Disappearing’s a brilliant way to end speculation about your health.”
Mark Pollara, Unemployed
The Onion.
ClickHole
5 Reasons To Love Summer (NO AI)
We are proud to announce that no AI was used whatsoever when writing this list of reasons to love summer.
1. It’s hot out.
Normally before writing, we’d Google this topic to see what other people have said to make sure we’re adding something new to the conversation. However, it’s pretty hard to avoid Google’s AI overview these days, and we don’t want that to influence what we write, so we’re just going with our first thoughts on this list, which is that summer is hot, which is why summer is great. Don’t like it? Kiss our perfectly ethical rumps!
2. There’s sunshine!
When summer’s here, you can finally shake off the winter blues and get out in the beaitiful sunshine! FYI, we messed up typing that, and “beaitiful” automatically corrected to the proper spelling of “beautiful.” Obviously spell-check and autocorrect type of stuff has been around for a while, but it definitely seems like it could be using AI to catch those mistakes, so because we’re not taking any chances we changed it right back to beaitiful. REMINDER: NO AI WAS USED HERE!
3. Did somebody say BEACH BALLS?
Nobody did, but if they had, it would’ve been a human, because this list is 100-percent human generated. And beach balls are such an epic part of summer! They’re inflatable balls that you can play with at the pool or beach, and that makes us love summer. Honestly we doubt AI has ever even touched a beach ball. Not sure how that would even work!
4. You can reconnect with nature.
Summer isn’t a time to be in the house—it’s a time to reconnect with nature. And look, we know that sentence construction is extremely characteristic of AI, but we actually wrote it ourselves. And we’re not going to change our writing style because computers have co-opted it—we’re going to change it because we decide to do so. And we don’t. Got a problem? Kiss our ethical rumps once more!
5. Swimming.
Swimming is an amazing thing you can do in the summer, and you can still do it because AI hasn’t drained all the world’s water, or whatever is happening or going to happen with that. We didn’t contribute to that though, because this wasn’t written by a computer, but instead four humans who each make $32,500 a year. Now get outside and enjoy the weather! Happy summer!
Fuck Yeah: Hanukkah In June
No fucking way we’re waiting until December. Hanukkah is now in June, baby!
It’s Hanukkah in June! Light the menorah, don your swimsuit, and get ready to celebrate eight days of summertime fun!
When the weather gets warm, it’s time for Hanukkah! We’re going to spin dreidels while kicking back poolside!
Throw some latkes on the BBQ!
There’s plenty of Manischewitz in the cooler! Leave your parka in storage, friend! It’s Hanukkah in June!
Uh-oh, looks like the rabbi got a sunburn! Hey, rebbe, slap some SPF 50 on there before you sizzle like a sufganiyah!
Nice, a reggae band is here to play “Ma’oz Tzur”! Hanukat hamizbe’ah, compadres!
Light some fireworks with the shamash! Badass!
Wooooooo! Hanukkah in June! We’re never fuckin’ going back!
Innovative: ‘The New York Times’ Has Announced Their Subscriptions Will Now Be Billed On A Sliding Scale Based On How Likely Someone Is To Remember That They’re Still Being Billed For ‘The New York Times’
As companies struggle to find profitable revenue models in the ever-changing digital landscape, one iconic journalistic entity is pursuing a novel and logical solution: The New York Times has announced their subscriptions will now be billed on a sliding scale based on how likely someone is to remember that they’re still being billed for the New York Times.
Hey, that’s actually pretty smart!
In an unassuming email sent out at 3 a.m. on a Sunday night (likely in the hopes that many subscribers would never open it), The New York Times quietly announced that access to The New York Times will now be billed on a sliding scale, ranging from $0.32 to $23,000 a month depending on how likely the subscriber is to remember that they’re paying for it.
If you’ve ever tried to cancel your New York Times subscription only to be offered a much lower rate to continue, you know these subscription fees were already quite malleable, but this new model takes their seemingly arbitrary pricing to the extreme. People who are hyper-aware they are paying for The New York Times—such as those who play Wordle first thing at 6 a.m. before they even get out of bed and those who frequently share NYT links to Facebook with the caption, “Great article in today’s Times!”— will receive the lowest rates to ensure they don’t cancel their subscriptions when they realize they can barely afford groceries or get demoted at work. People least likely to realize they’re still paying for The New York Times, such as old people with dementia, dead people, and people who have so many subscriptions that they just expect hundreds of dollars to leave their bank account monthly for reasons they can’t remember, will be completely gouged by subscription rates many multiples of their mortgage payments.
This is definitely an idea whose time has come.
Look, the days of getting a newspaper delivered to your porch and therefore having a constant reminder that you’re paying for The New York Times are over, so it’s time for the Times to fully exploit the fact that people don’t know what the fuck they’re paying for half the time. Hopefully this innovative pricing model allows The New York Times to survive another 175 years, even if it means your grandma is paying $8,000 a month for it despite not even knowing her username and password to log in to the site.
Refreshing Transparency: Trump’s Next Physical Will Be Performed In Front Of A Live Audience At Madison Square Garden
Under President Trump, government transparency is all but nonexistent. That’s what makes his administration’s latest decision so unexpectedly refreshing: Trump’s next physical will be performed in front of a live audience at Madison Square Garden.
Wow. Hey, if it takes indulging Trump’s penchant for showmanship to have a more honest and open executive office, we’ll take it!
As the President enters his 80s with his health under greater scrutiny than ever, Trump is setting out to prove he’s of sound body and mind by undergoing a Presidential Physical live on stage, in the round, at Madison Square Garden. The MSG-hosted event was announced at a press conference this morning, where President Trump explained that Dr. Sean Barbarella, the current Physician to the President, will examine every inch of his body and test his mental acuity for the 20,000 spectators lucky enough to score a ticket—which sold out minutes after going on sale, with front-row seats priced at $1,000,000 each.
“You’re gonna see every inch of my body and brain on the MSG jumbotron, and you’re gonna say, ‘boy, that’s a healthy person, we saw it all, what an honest and transparent president Trump is,’ and it’ll be true, because it is true, and the proof will be right there in the World’s Most Famous Arena,” said President Trump, before boasting about his physical selling out MSG in minutes, when “President Biden’s Live Presidential Physical couldn’t even sell out Union Pool in Williamsburg,” an event that fact-checkers quickly proved never happened. “There will be an encore. A big one. We’re keeping it a surprise. It’s a dental check-up.”
While Trump’s physical is the headliner event, the lineup also features an opening colonoscopy of Health Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr., an autism screening of RFK Jr. that will take place at the same time he’s getting the colonoscopy, and FBI Director Kash Patel reading the Wikipedia page for “Pap smear” at intermission.
Say what you will about Trump, but this is a huge step towards repairing public trust in government.
No matter what the results of Trump’s physical exam are, Americans will get to see it with their own eyes, instead of taking Trump at his word. Props to the President for setting a new standard for government transparency!
Fucking Brutal: You Just Made A Joke While Out To Dinner, And The Table Next To You Cracked Up At The Same Time, And You Thought They Were Laughing At Your Great Joke So You Proudly Turned To Them, Which They Didn’t Notice Because They Weren’t Actually Laughing At You – Just Something They’d Said At The Same Time – But Everyone At Your Table Saw You Turn, So Now They Know You Thought Those People Were Laughing At You, Even Though No One At Your Own Table Was Laughing, Because Your Joke Wasn’t Actually All That Good
So Now Not Only Do The People At Your Own Table Think You’re Unfunny, They Also Probably Think You’re A Loser, Because They Saw The Big Smile On Your Face When You Thought The Other Table Was Cracking Up At What You Said, And You Could See The Pity In Their Eyes While You Realized What Was Really Happening, And God, It’s That Pity That Feels Worst Of All – Silence At A Joke You Can Handle, That’s Nothing, That’s Fine, But When Someone Looks At You With Eyes That Say “Aw, You Don’t Even Know You’re Pathetic” It’s Reason Enough To Get Up And Walk Into The Sea Or At Least A Big Lake
Frankly Had The Other Table Actually Heard You, They Probably Would’ve Laughed, Because You Can Just Tell They Have A Better Vibe Than The People At Your Own Table Who Obviously Want To Hold You Back Or Limit Your Boundless Creativity Or Make You Feel Like A Stupid Baby Just For Trying To Entertain Them With Your Insights And Quips, And You Should Go Sit At The Other Table, They Have Better Style Than Your So-Called Friends And They’re Discussing Art, Which Isn’t Something You Know About, But It Would Be If You Surrounded Yourself With A Different Type Of Person
Because That’s Another Thing, No One’s Cultured Anymore, Everyone’s Hobby Is Just Scrolling Through Bikini Photos Of Their Acquaintances, College Students Can’t Make It Through The Classics, Not That You Did Either, But Your Reason Was That You Didn’t Want To Read Them, Not That You Physically Couldn’t, And Society Is Backsliding Into An Oral Culture, Which Is Especially Bad For You Since No One Seems To Like What You Say, And Because You Don’t Even Have That Good Of A Memory (Really Just Because You’re Not A Good Listener) When Your Parents Die, You Won’t Remember Their Stories, And Only When It’s Too Late Will You Realize You Never Really Loved Anyone But Yourself
But Maybe It’s Not Too Late, You’re Still Young After All, You Can Show Up For The People In Your Life, You Can Make Them Feel Seen, You Shouldn’t Wait For Your Them To Invite You To Dinner, In Fact, You Should Cook For Them, Have Them Over, Get Some Wine That’s Only Room Temperature If It Should Be, Really Clean Your Toilet, Make A Real Recipe Not Just Pasta With Whatever, And Listen, Really Listen, Because Honestly – Honestly – Your Joke Was Hilarious, Your Friends Just Didn’t Laugh At It Because They Needed To Teach You This Lesson, And Now That You’ve Learned It, You Can Say The Joke Again, Yes, Go On, Say It Again, Loud And Proud, Because You Are The Second Coming To Lisa Lampanelli, You Are A Brilliant Genius Who Loves Life And Life Loves You Back!
Duffel Blog
Hegseth mistakes getting older for declining military standards
THE PENTAGON — Senior defense officials launched an internal review this week after discovering Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth’s repeated warnings about collapsing military fitness standards were based primarily on his own advancing age.According to multiple officials, concerns began after Hegseth repeatedly claimed the Army lowered its standards “every four or five years, usually around my birthday.”“After about the fifth time he said the force was getting softer, I finally asked him which standards he meant,” said one official. “Holy shit. Within five seconds, I realized this man had apparently never read an age-based scoring chart.”The official said Hegseth’s approach to physical fitness testing throughout his military career was remarkably consistent.“He would show up, ask what he needed to do to score 70 points, then leave before anyone explained why the number had changed,” the official said. “He genuinely thought the Army kept lowering the standard. Nobody had the heart to tell him he was just getting older.”Army Fitness Test standards divide soldiers into progressively older age groups, generally in five-year increments.“Every time he entered a new bracket, he interpreted it as another collapse in discipline,” the official said. “From his perspective, military readiness has been steadily declining since his twenties.”Officials reviewing Hegseth’s records said the pattern was unmistakable.When his run time allowance increased in his early 30s, he blamed President Barack Obama. When it increased again in his late 30s, he blamed [cliffhanger] diversity initiatives. After entering his most recent bracket, he ordered a department-wide review of the warrior ethos.Officials acknowledged that the military provides little formal instruction on reading fitness score tables but questioned whether any was necessary.“It's not the Rosetta Stone,” another official said. “The chart is about as complicated as breathing burn pit fumes.”According to the official, Hegseth initially mistook the age ranges for presidential approval ratings.“He pointed to ‘42-46’ and said, ‘See? Biden destroyed readiness,’” the official recalled. “We explained that was his age bracket. He accused us of making excuses.”Chief Pentagon Spokesman Sean Parnell declined to address whether Hegseth understood age-normed scoring.“I’m not going to get into hypothetical charts,” Parnell said. “The secretary remains focused on restoring the warrior ethos, increasing lethality, and ensuring America has the most physically capable fighting force on Earth.”Parnell abruptly ended the briefing when a reporter asked whether the most capable fighting force on Earth should also be capable of reading a PDF.At press time, Hegseth had ordered the Army to restore the physical fitness standards in effect when he was 23, calling them “the last objectively rigorous standards before the military began changing them specifically to embarrass me.”🖊️SECDEF_Nice served in Army Civil Affairs and specialized in failing to influence populations and occasionally his own chain-of-command. Follow him at Foxhole Briefs, Twitter, Facebook, or Instagram.
Duffel Blog’s Top 13 ideas for solving the Iran War
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THE PENTAGON — U.S. Central Command has called for help and America's Most-Trusted Military News Source, as usual, is here to provide it.After six months of war, a collapsed ceasefire, dwindling munitions, and no obvious path to victory, CENTCOM recently asked military analysts to submit “new creative and unconventional ways to pressure and punish Iran” and bring its leaders back to the negotiating table.This is reassuring because it confirms America’s most important military campaign has officially entered the portion of the group project where someone asks whether anyone has any ideas.Fortunately, Duffel Blog does.
1. Surrender
Sure, it might look bad. But surrender would conserve critical munitions needed for the Pacific and allow sailors to reunite with loved ones at San Diego and Norfolk strip clubs, tattoo parlors, and divorce mediation offices.
Just call it “charging to lethal victory in the opposite direction."
2. Move the goalposts
Did you publicly announce goals that now appear more delusional than an E-1 looking for love at a strip club?
Change them.
Regime change becomes degrading capabilities. Degrading capabilities becomes sending a message. Sending a message becomes demonstrating resolve. Demonstrating resolve becomes “Iran definitely knows we’re upset.”
Once the objective is vague enough, victory becomes inevitable.
3. Redefine everything
Words have meaning until they become operationally inconvenient.
A war is a ceasefire. A retreat is force protection. A failed offensive is strategic patience. Civilian casualties are emerging narrative challenges.
Call the ayatollah after the next missile strike and ask what his problem is. When he says the countries are at war, respond, “That doesn’t sound like us. We campaigned on no new wars.”
Follow up with proven diplomatic phrases such as “You're overreacting,” “That was obviously a joke,” and “After everything we’ve done for you?”
4. Turn the war off and back on again
Ask the S-6 to shut down hostilities, wait 30 seconds, jiggle the regional power cable, and restart the conflict.If the war still does not work, submit a help ticket and receive a response within three to five strategic business days asking whether the issue has resolved itself.
5. Crowdsource the campaign on the War Thunder forums
War Thunder players possess years of virtual combat experience and routinely demonstrate access to classified technical documents.
They are therefore the only available population with both relevant expertise, the appropriate security clearances, and the absence of judgment required to post classified material where even the newest North Korean lieutenant can study it.
6. Air-drop three pigs into Tehran
Paint the numbers 1, 2, and 4 on their sides before releasing them.
While Iranian security forces search for Pig 3, seize Kharg Island, recover the enriched uranium, and leave before anyone realizes there were only three pigs.
This is the sort of deception operation military planners used to develop before PowerPoint.
7. Send Jared Kushner back to negotiate
The first ceasefire may not have lasted, but Iranian officials cannot possibly bear to sit through another meeting with Kushner.
Lock him in a conference room with the Iranian delegation and...
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Americans begin thanking troops for future service
WASHINGTON — With U.S. forces once again exchanging strikes with Iran while officials continue insisting they are not seeking a wider war, Americans have begun thanking service members for their future service.The new greeting has spread rapidly through airports, gas stations, grocery stores, and chain restaurants near military installations.“Thanks for your future service,” said one cashier at Buc-ee's after ringing up an Army specialist's beef jerky, Zyn, and energy drinks. “You know... just in case.”Defense officials acknowledged the trend had become increasingly common.“We're not saying there will be another major deployment,” one Pentagon spokesman said. “We're just saying if there is, statistically speaking, it'll probably involve the same people buying Tornados at Love's Travel Stops today.”Military planners denied the United States was preparing for another prolonged conflict in the Middle East while quietly directing every airborne brigade to ensure all duffel bags remained “deployment ready indefinitely.”“We've had our gear packed for so long the compression straps have compression straps,” said Sgt. 1st Class Roberto Moreno of the 82nd Airborne Division. “At this point I don't even unpack. I just rotate socks.”Not everyone appreciated the new expression.Pfc. Kyle Whitford, who joined the Texas Army National Guard believing the wars were finally over, said the phrase had become increasingly unsettling.“I enlisted to help pay for college,” Whitford said. “Then the gas station lady thanked me for my future service, the cashier at Lowe's asked if I'd been issued desert boots yet, and my mom started introducing me as 'our next generation of combat veteran.'”
Pentagon limits combat casualties to normal business hours
ARLINGTON, Va. — The Pentagon announced Tuesday that U.S. combat casualties will now only be recognized during normal government business hours after officials determined that wars had become increasingly difficult to manage across multiple spreadsheets.The new guidance follows the Department of Defense decision to remove four soldiers killed during renewed fighting with Iran from Operation Epic Fury’s official casualty count and place them under a separate category titled “Overseas Operations.”Officials defended the move by noting the four soldiers were killed after Operation Epic Fury had officially ended, despite being killed by the same enemy, in the same region, during the same war military officials continue to describe as a ceasefire that, nevertheless, still involves a substantial amount of fire.“Americans deserve accurate reporting,” Chief Pentagon Spokesman Sean Parnell said. “That’s why we’re aligning casualty reporting with established federal business practices.”Effective immediately, personnel killed between 9 a.m. and 5 p.m. Eastern time, Monday through Friday, excluding federal holidays, will remain eligible for classification as killed in action.Deaths occurring outside that window will receive “the operational designation most appropriate for the department’s current messaging needs.”“These brave Americans still died serving their country,” Parnell said. “We’re simply enhancing transparency by ensuring every death is assigned to the correct spreadsheet.”Under the revised guidance, weekend deaths will be classified as Hostile Workplace Incidents, while fatalities during ceasefires will be categorized as Ceasefire-Adjacent Workplace Violence pending review by the Office of Strategic Narrative Alignment.Additional categories include:Operational Pause MishapFederal Holiday Kinetic OccurrencePatriotism After HoursAdministrative KIAPending Timecard ApprovalThe policy has reportedly left casualty assistance officers struggling to explain the distinctions to grieving families.“My husband was killed when an Iranian missile hit his base,” said Melissa Carter, whose husband, an Army captain, died in Jordan. “The casualty officer told me he wasn’t killed during the operation because the operation had already transitioned into an overseas administrative posture.”“Am I still allowed to tell people he was killed in action, or was it technically workplace violence?”One Gold Star father said the government had provided his family with four different descriptions of his son’s death.“The death certificate says hostile action,” he said. “The chaplain says he made the ultimate sacrifice. The Pentagon database says ‘Overseas Operations.’ Public affairs says he was lost during a period of enhanced operational restraint.”“I just need to know what to tell my grandson.”At Arlington National Cemetery, workers reportedly spent Tuesday marking graves with sticky notes reading “Pending Reclassification.”Officials said the cemetery had also been ordered to disinter service members whose deaths no longer qualified as part of Operation Epic Fury and temporarily relocate them to a new section designated “Other Overseas Administrative Events.”The Army Corps of Engineers briefly considered attaching stickers to the affected headstones reading “Not Counted During Initial Operational Phase,” but abandoned the proposal after lawyers warned it could produce “unhelpful optics.”Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth insisted the department remained committed to honoring every American who serves.“No one is hiding casualties,” Hegseth said. “We’re organizing them into categories that better reflect operational realities, statutory authorities, and whole-of-government messaging.”Officials said the Pentagon is also asking adversaries to conduct future attacks during standard federal business hours whenever operationally feasible.“It significantly reduces the administrative burden,” one official said. “Plus, anything after 5 qualifies for overtime.”At press time, Pentagon planners were determining whether troops wounded after normal business hours should seek medical attention immediately or simply clock back in the following morning.
DoD reclassifies sexual assault as 'flirting' under new policy
WASHINGTON — The Department of Defense has officially reclassified sexual harassment and assault as “flirting” under a new policy intended to improve morale and produce an immediate decline in reportable incidents.“We took a hard look at the data and realized the real issue wasn’t the harassment or assault,” said Pentagon spokesman Lt. Col. Bradley Ford. “It was the terminology.”“By adjusting the language, we can dramatically reduce sexual misconduct without changing anyone’s behavior,” Ford added. “That’s what we call measurable progress.”According to officials familiar with the policy, senior Pentagon leaders developed the new framework after concluding that continued reports of sexual misconduct were “creating negative perceptions of the force.”Sources said officials considered increasing staffing, strengthening independent investigations, and holding commanders accountable before determining those measures would be “resource-intensive and potentially disruptive.”“There was some discussion about real accountability,” said one staff officer. “But that sounded punitive, and we’re trying to create a positive command climate.”The new Flirting Spectrum includes several categories:Mild flirting: Previously known as inappropriate workplace comments.Passionate flirting: Previously known as unwanted touching.Career-ending flirting: Reserved primarily for E-7s and below.The memorandum states that senior officers accused of career-ending flirting may instead receive “performance-based counseling, temporary telework, and a thorough review of their retirement timeline.”To implement the policy, the department has introduced a mandatory 223-slide training presentation featuring scenarios designed to help service members distinguish between misconduct and “aggressive relationship-building.”One slide reportedly depicts a senior officer making suggestive comments to a subordinate beneath the caption: “Professional banter or career enhancement opportunity?”Reactions across the force have been mixed.“I think it clears up a lot,” said Sgt. 1st Class Chad Benson. “I used to worry that telling a female lieutenant she needed a strong NCO in her life might create an EO issue. Now I understand I’m just building trust.”Navy Capt. Lisa Rodriguez was less enthusiastic.“My commander asked whether I was single, then assigned me to organize a mud-wrestling event for Sexual Assault Awareness Month,” Rodriguez said while preparing her resignation packet. “He’s married.”Pentagon officials said additional terminology updates are under consideration, including reclassifying toxic leadership as “high-intensity mentorship” and fraud, waste, and abuse as “creative resource allocation.”Officials also confirmed that Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth had requested a legal review of “plural marriage options for high-performing leaders.”Asked how service members should raise concerns under the new policy, Ford said the existing process remained unchanged.“We take every allegation seriously,” he said. “Complaints should be submitted through the chain of command and will be ignored in the order received.”
Daily Mash
The Broughton Interchange off the M180 near Scawby, and five other summer bucket list trips
HOW to remember the epic summer of ’26? Burnham tattoo? Binface tattoo? Or with a visit to the UK’s most desirable locations:
The Broughton interchange off the M180 near Scawby
Motorway junctions saw a massive surge in patriotic tourism recently when cheeky red-faced scamps shimmied up lampposts to hang England flags out of sheer love of country, and not any hatred of anyone. See hundreds here a stone’s throw from a highly-regarded truckers’ caff. What are you waiting for?
Essington, off the M6
Colloquially known as ‘the jewel in north-east Wolverhampton’s crown’, Essington is so close to the motorway that you’ll feel like you’re actually walking on it. Put aside a whole afternoon for the breathtaking sight of its famous disused water tower. Expect to queue for a photo.
The Silvertown tunnel
The crowds will rush to its more glamorous sister the Blackwall tunnel, running under the glitzy O2, but this Thames crossing has depth, charm, a toll, exhaust-stained tiling and no provision for cyclists. You’ll have seen the real London.
Swindon railway station
Sweeping through the streets in your rail replacement bus, you’d be hard pressed to find a more welcome sight than the office block-style façade of Swindon’s most famous and indeed only train station. Electrified in 2022, it’s now electrifying to visitors who find themselves unable to leave due to signalling issues at Wooton Basset Junction.
The currency exchange in Moto services at Dover Port
Lost your passport? You don’t need to cross the channel for that continental je ne sais pas pourquoi this season. Pop to the bureau de change located at the service station right on the docks at Dover for some of the highest rates in the country. Change back to pounds straight afterward and marvel at how much you’ve lost.
The Mountain Warehouse outlet at Gretna Green
For decades, young couples would flee together to Gretna, sometimes to wed, sometimes to buy gaiters and zip-off trousers without their parents’ consent. With the A74(M) breathing down your neck, you’ll feel something of the same frisson they did, grope a few water bottles and buy a collapsible stool you didn’t even need. Ooh la la!
We ask you: Where has Andy Burham buggered off to on holiday?
THE prime minister is on holiday, but has unsportingly refused to reveal where to avoid class-based judgements. Where do you believe the coward has run off to?
Roy Hobbs, HGV driver: “Where any true Brit goes: Prestatyn Pontin’s in 1978, under rain-lashed skies. That’s where Nigel Farage is, and he’s just won the Knobbly Knees contest.”
Lauren Hewitt, turflayer: “His wife’s French, so it seems likely he’s gone to France. Making him a double ponce.”
Tom Logan, tyre-puller: “Wherever it is, he’ll do Monday to Thursday there then he’ll spend Friday in its North.”
Margaret Gerving, retired influencer: “Obviously he’s on a round-Britain bus tour, or why would he have reduced fares by 33 per cent immediately prior? Think, sheeple.”
Helen Archer, osteopath: “Remember when Boris Johnson was apparently banging Carrie next to a baby in a two-person tent on a Scottish cliff? God, he could lie.”
Olly O’Connor, secret shopper: “We should be allowed a celebrity prime minister for two weeks while he’s gone. I nominate Lorraine.”
I’m better than you, because I swim at a lido
By Mary Fisher, who was just posting on social media that she was off to the lido actually
OH, you swim? Oh. You swim at an indoor municipal pool. You have my pity, for I would not dream of taking the waters anywhere but a lido.
To swim under a roof other than the bluest sky? It can hardly be termed swimming. Yes, the immersion in water for purposes of exercise bears some similarities, but that is the least of it. It does not have the freedom, the sensuality, of lido life.
I am, I confess, something of a lido connoisseur. A regular at all the major – meaning London – lidos, my boho-inspired crocheted swimwear is a familiar sight. Not that I’m showing off, I’m there simply for exercise and blessed cool.
Perhaps that’s what you think you’re at your little pool for, plowing up and down your lanes like mice in a particularly dull maze. The stench of chlorine as overwhelming as it was in the trenches of the Great War, and spirits no higher.
It could not be more different from the lido. Where spirits soar into the azure heavens. Where showers are taken in the open air. Where water beads on our tanned bodies reflecting rainbows onto the pristine white tile. You probably have athlete’s foot.
It’s not just London. I’ve visited all the major lidos in the south and even that Instagrammable one in the Peak District. My arching dive is a familiar sight. While at your pool you have a grubby pound-shaped keyring for your locker and get floating Elastoplast in your mouth.
Yes, I am truly at the apex of the aquatic hierarchy because I exclusively swim at the lido. What’s that? You swim at Hampstead Ponds? F**k, that’s better.
Five things that should be banned in pubs before vertical drinking
THERE’S a row over whether standing in pubs, or ‘vertical drinking’, should be banned. But there are plenty of other irritations to ban first, like these.
Pints that cost more than a fiver
A fiver should be the upper limit for the most swanky of London watering holes. For the rest of the country, a nice round £2.50 will suffice. The prices should be clearly marked too, to put an end to the heart-stopping terror of buying three pints and somehow owing £17. There’s no legal reason some glasses of watery hops should cost that much.
Creepy old guys in the corner
Indecipherable weirdos drinking in the corner by themselves are an institution of British pubs. Just like smoking though, it’s time these outdated relics were left in the past. Facebook petitions will try to bring back slurring creeps who hit on your girlfriend, but everyone else will wonder why they were ever tolerated. They’ll be allowed in beer gardens, as a compromise.
Queuing for the bar
Orderly queues of people waiting to be served make sense at the supermarket or the Jobcentre. They take up too much space in pubs though, and make everyone in line look like a twat. A crowded bar is also one of the last places to meet people who want to punch you simply because you nudged their elbow. You don’t get that sort of charming camaraderie standing in a row.
Self-righteous smartphone bans
Put simply, pubs shouldn’t lose their shit if you quickly scroll on your phone when your mate’s gone for a piss. That’s perfectly normal behaviour. Staring off into the distance due to having no distractions makes you look like a psycho, and leaves your brain vulnerable to terrible drunken ideas like ‘I should start a podcast’.
Barmaids that don’t pretend to fancy you
Everyone knows hot barmaids probably have a boyfriend waiting for them at home. But when they flirt with you over your choice of bar snack, for a brief moment you’re allowed to dream. Female pub staff should incur a hefty fine if they don’t give a cheeky wink when pulling a pint, or be sent on a special training course where they learn how to hand over a packet of pork scratchings seductively.
Proud Thetford doesn’t need reason for race riots
ACROSS Britain, thousands of patriots have spent a long, hot summer hoping for a trigger to riot. But here in Thetford they’re not waiting around!
Yes, proud locals have taken the initiative and, without so much as a foreign national being detained for questioning, are holding their very own Summer of Rage right here in Norfolk.
Incensed local Steve Malley, 42, said: “If the big cities won’t step up and launch race-based violent assaults of their own, we’re happy to show them how it’s done.
“We may only be a market town out in the sticks, but when it comes to prejudice and bigotry we’re world-leading. And when we’re tanked up at noon outside a flat-roofed pub, we don’t need any inflammatory news reports to stir us into violence.
“Nige can be busy with his by-election, the prime minister can resign, the boats can be reduced by half but that doesn’t bother us. We’re ready to mob up, storm homes of asylum seekers and spend all night facing off against rows of riot police regardless!
“Most of us haven’t got jobs, half already have suspended sentences and some of us are on mobility scooters. Do we let that stop us? Hell no. We’re seizing the initiative and putting centres of deprivation like Stoke-on-Trent to shame.”
He added: “More people should be like us.”
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