The post Epidemiologists Confirm First Airborne Transmission Of Mar-A-Lago Face appeared first on The Onion.

A bill to ban marriage between first cousins failed to pass in the Florida Senate, allowing the state to remain one of more than a dozen in the U.S. where marrying one’s first cousin is legal. What do you think?

“Everyone deserves someone who looks like their uncle.”

Aaron Kamykowski, Vacuum Tester

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“How else am I supposed to make my brother jealous?”

Ivy Oleinik, Donut Sprinkler

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“The government has no business telling me who I’m related to.”

Jon Bonsall, Systems Analyst

The post Florida Bill To Ban First Cousin Marriage Fails To Pass appeared first on The Onion.

NEW YORK—Raising the alarm about an increasingly unstable labor market, economists at Columbia University warned in a report published Wednesday that even their friend’s son who went to business school hadn’t been able to find a job. “Americans’ employment prospects must be truly dire if Natalie’s son Trevor is still stuck working at Best Buy,” said lead author Joseph Stiglitz, adding that Trevor’s bachelor’s degree from MIT Sloan School of Management and extensive internship experience should have been “more than enough” to secure him a respectable marketing or sales position by now. “I mean, this is an incredibly bright young man we’re talking about. He was president of his business fraternity and even made the dean’s list. Can you believe it? He’s such a great guy too. Volunteers every Sunday at his local animal shelter. If a smart kid like that can’t find a job, what hope do the rest of us have?” Stiglitz added that the shuttering of his granddaughter’s lemonade stand boded ill for the future of small business.

The post Economists Warn That Even Their Friend’s Son Who Went To Business School Can’t Find A Job appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON—Warning administration members that the unauthorized websites were not supposed to be accessed by work computers, White House IT guy Jason Kellerman reportedly sent out a memo Wednesday reminding staff about child porn. “Keep in mind that every website you go to while on the White House network, even while using incognito mode, is cached and can be reviewed on our end,” the memo read in part, urging officials to avoid perusing risky sites featuring explicit images and videos of minors while on the job. “Be extremely wary of clicking any links promising hot preteen action, as they may be phishing attempts that could download malware onto the server. Each time we have to restart the system because it was damaged by someone trying to watch videos of underage children engaging in sexual situations, we experience workflow disruptions and lose valuable man-hours. Please be respectful.” At press time, Kellerman had reportedly sent a follow-up memo resigning from his position after seeing what was on homeland security advisor Stephen Miller’s hard drive.

The post White House IT Guy Sends Out Reminder Memo About Child Porn  appeared first on The Onion.

The post 42-Year-Old Woman Refers To Herself As ‘Preggerz’ appeared first on The Onion.

CROMWELL, CT — On a chilly spring morning, local man Jim Harbor reportedly paused to consider whether what he was missing in life was Jesus or a really cool jacket.

Kids these days. They're pushovers. Back in the old days, every kid knew how to work, fight, and smoke tobacco. How can parents today recapture that toughness for their kids?

BRENTWOOD, TN — The man who pushed over Jack Reacher's motorcycle and was subsequently pounded into the ground has announced that he will next go shoot John Wick's dog.

BYWATER — A particularly plump hobbit named Elanor Bolger has decided to go on a diet, cutting back from her usual six meals a day to a measly four meals a day.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Just minutes before President Donald Trump announced a peace deal with Iran was close, a mysterious investor named "Pancy_Nelosi" placed hundreds of millions on a speculative trade that oil prices would plummet.

This is fantastic news: Trader Joe’s just raised their parking lot speed limit to 70 mph! No longer will we have to limit ourselves to cruising their parking lots at barely 50—we can finally go as fast as we need to. This just made grocery shopping 100x better!

If you are a man, get ready to stand up and cheer, because one of the most important clothing stores in the world just announced a game-changing new policy that’s going to make your life more incredible than ever before: Men’s Wearhouse will now let you have your suit fitted while under anesthesia!

Fuck. Yes. Looks like men finally have something to celebrate!

For generations, men have had to suffer through endless suit fittings while fully conscious, experiencing every excruciating second as a tailor dragged tape measures all over their thighs and shoulders. That living nightmare is about to become a thing of the past, however, because starting today, Men’s Wearhouse is now offering their customers an IV drip of general anesthesia that will keep them in a drug-induced state of total unconsciousness while their team of expert tailors measures their dimensions to fit them for their world-class suits. 

There’s literally never been a better time to be a man!

“For generations, Men’s Wearhouses across the country were filled with the sounds of men shrieking in agony as they were poked and prodded with invasive measuring tools and excruciating chalks, but no longer,” said Men’s Wearhouse CEO Peter Sachse, who said he made the decision to provide anesthesia to shoppers after witnessing a man begging for death while getting fitted for a Kenneth Cole Chillflex suit last year. “From here on out, you’ll walk into a Men’s Wearhouse, enter a medically-induced state of oblivion, and wake up to a perfectly fitted suit. We don’t live in Medieval times anymore, and this was long overdue.”

If you hear the sound of millions of people applauding outside your window right now, it’s probably all the men in America celebrating this major W, one that’s been long overdue and is one of the biggest steps toward living in a perfect society that has ever been taken. We can’t wait to head down to the nearest Men’s Wearhouse and slip into painless oblivion while we get fitted for our next formal occasion. Other clothing companies, take note: this is how you’re supposed to treat men!

Hello, everyone. Jeffrey Epstein here. You’ve probably heard about my emails. I was recently hacked by the Department of Justice, who published my entire inbox for the public to ogle (DOJ? More like TMZ…). Welp. 

I cannot stop you from gossiping over my private correspondences and making your own presumptions about who I am and what I stand for. But I can speak for myself — and as an independent thinker, who’s never been afraid to go against the grain of popular consensus, ‘speaking for myself’ usually means expressing views that are guaranteed to polarize. “Wait, how can Mr. Epstein speak for himself if he died in 2019?” you must be wondering. Well, boy oh boy, have I come to ClickHole.com with some news for you:

I, Jeffrey Epstein, am not only alive, but I also have a subway take that is going to piss off a lot of people. 

If Subway Takes existed before I went to jail or faked my own death in jail, let me assure you: I, Jeffrey Epstein would’ve been on it, and my hot take would’ve broken the Internet. My subway take is so scorching hot that it would’ve gotten me murdered in jail for real. But alas. Kareem Rahma’s subway program only began long, long after I could be a guest on it without raising questions. So, unfortunately, I’ve never had an opportunity to share my scorched earth hot take…until now. Because I no longer give a damn if the world knows I’m alive after all, and the world will soon be too preoccupied with the discourse my subway take starts to give a damn that I’m actually alive anyway.

Are you ready to hear the late Jeffrey Epstein’s subway take? You may think you are, but you’re really, really not. 

First, allow me to set the scene, so you can experience my subway take as you would if Kareem Rahma invited me, Jeffrey Epstein, who is currently alive and well (correct), on his Internet talk show program. Close your eyes: Imagine Kareem Rahma and me sitting on the L train. It’s rush hour. The train is very, very crowded. Everyone is staring at me, wondering if their eyes are deceiving them. I return their stares with a wink. Mr. Rahma raises his MetroCard microphone to his lips. He looks me, Jeffrey Epstein, in the eyes, and asks, “So, what’s your take?” I raise my MetroCard microphone to my lips. I smirk. And then, I deliver the subway take to end all subway takes:

“I love destination weddings. Love ‘em. I don’t care how much the travel costs, or how much time I have to take off of work. I’m going. Give me a reason to travel and see new places! Like, your wedding’s in a beautiful foreign country? Great! I’ve probably never been! I literally had no good reason to go, and now I have an incredible one! I might even stay a whole week after the wedding to explore! And if I have friends or family that were invited too, we get to spend time together in a wonderful, exotic place? Even better. How often do you have an excuse to do that? What a gift. What a special gift. People who whine about destination weddings are the same people who whine about going to weddings in general, and those people are boring, miserable, they have no sense of romance, and they’re honestly a waste of a wedding invite. Dang, you have to rent a beautiful suit or dress to celebrate someone you love on the best day of their life? Poor you. That’s money you could be spending on important stuff, like…DoorDash? Netflix? Amazon crap? Get over yourself, cheap-o! It’s love, baby: lean in and live a little! This is what life’s all about!”

Kareem Rahma immediately nods and says he agrees with me, Jeffrey Epstein.

Well, there you have it. I, Jeffrey Epstein, am alive, and everyone’s mad at me all over again because no one can handle an actual hot take. Hey, you can call me out of touch or over-privileged, but you can’t say that I’m afraid to speak my mind or that I’m dead. What can I say? I’m just a hyper-opinionated Jewish-American Prince from Brooklyn who is very much alive, contrary to popular belief. You’re welcome for all the engagement I just scored you, Subway Takes!

Several times in NASA’s history, the organization has attempted to put a urinal on the moon. Sadly, these missions have not all been successful. In fact, many have ended in complete disaster for everyone involved. However, sometimes they have also managed to pull it off. It’s a mixed bag for the folks at NASA. Here are six NASA missions to put a urinal on the moon that ended in disaster and two that ended in success.

1. Mission Name: Cloacina 1

Mission Date: July 29, 1958

Mission Status: Failure

On the first day that NASA began operating, aerospace engineers from the organization gathered at Cape Canaveral to launch Cloacina 1, a mission named after the Roman goddess of sewers. The goal of the mission was to put a urinal on the moon in order to “figure out if the moon likes when that happens.” No rockets had been built yet, so NASA engineers paid a local body builder to throw the urinal as high as he could into the sky and hope that it landed on the moon. Unfortunately, the bodybuilder was only able to throw the urinal about a mile into the sky before it fell back down to Earth and crushed the smartest scientist in the world, whose name nobody remembers. The loss of the very smart scientist set the space program back years.

2. Mission Name: Cloacina 2

Mission Date: July 30, 1958

Mission Status: Failure

Showcasing the organization’s trademark resilience and perseverance in the face of tragedy, NASA engineers reconvened at Cape Canaveral the very next day to launch the Cloacina 2 mission. While this mission employed much of the same basic technology as the failed Cloacina 1 mission front he previous day, including the bodybuilder, NASA engineers also attempted to increase the likelihood of success by taping a balloon and a gun to the urinal, and also painting a bright red racing stripe on it. Despite these modifications to the urinal, however, the bodybuilder was only able to hurl it into the lower mesosphere before it plummeted back to Earth, flattening both the newly appointed smartest scientist in the world along with the most handsome man in the United States. Following the failure of Cloacina 2, the bodybuilder was sentenced to 30 years in prison for being so bad at space travel.

3. Mission Name: Zeus Of Piss 2

Mission Date: April 19, 1965

Mission Status: Failure

The first Zeus Of Piss mission, Zeus Of Piss 1, involved astronauts looking at a picture of the moon while taking a piss on Earth. Zeus Of Piss 1 was a resounding success, and NASA proved that it was possible for humans to think about the moon while taking a piss on Earth without suffering any negative physical consequences outside of a minor nosebleed. The next year, NASA attempted Zeus Of Piss 2, a mission designed to learn if it was possible for humans to think about the Earth while taking a piss on the moon. In order to do this, they needed to get a urinal onto the moon. Unfortunately, the unmanned spacecraft carrying the urinal that NASA launched into space never made it to the moon because NASA had made the mistake, common in the early days of space travel, of simply pointing the rocket in the general direction of the moon in the night sky and firing it straight into the air. It wasn’t until the Zeus Of Piss 2 spacecraft flew past the moon, missing it by over 450,000 miles, that NASA realized that this “point and launch” method of space travel was ineffective.

4. Mission Name: Apollo 11

Mission Date: July 16, 1969

Mission Status: Success

In 1969, NASA finally achieved its dream of putting a urinal on the moon. Astronauts Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin successfully landed on the moon and installed a fully functioning urinal. As Armstrong took the first human piss on the lunar surface in history, he famously said, “That’s one big foot of my own, and everyone’s jumping up and down.” Those immortal words will forever be associated with the first time a man took a piss on the moon. Michael Collins was there too, unfortunately.

5. Mission Name: Apollo 13

Mission Date: April 11, 1970

Mission Status: Failure

The astronauts got halfway to the moon, but then had to turn around because they forgot to not have their spaceship explode. Upon returning to Earth, the astronauts involved were sent to jail.

6. Mission Name: Cloacina 3

Mission Date: November 16, 1981

Mission Status: Failure

In 1981, NASA revived the controversial Cloacina program with the intent of putting another urinal on the moon. While critics pointed out that there was already a perfectly good urinal on the moon, NASA officials argued that there needed to be two urinals on the moon so that astronauts could hold hands while pissing in space. At the time, they believed that two astronauts holding hands while pissing on the moon at the same time would help humans learn more about quantum mechanics. Massive technological advancements allowed NASA to use a much taller bodybuilder with much longer hair to throw the urinal up into the sky. Unfortunately, due to a computational error, the bodybuilder ended up throwing the urinal horizontally through the air instead of straight up into the sky and into outer space. The urinal collided with a nearby car and the resulting explosion killed 45 astronauts.

7. Mission Name: Zeus Of Piss 3

Mission Date: August 19, 1994

Mission Status: Failure

Zeus Of Piss 3 aimed to utilize advancements in space shuttle technology to safely transport a new urinal onto the surface of the moon. Unfortunately, a navigation error resulted in the crew of the shuttle accidentally landing on Mars. Although the crew was able to install the urinal on the surface of the red planet and establish a thriving civilization there which now consists of about 650,000 men, women, and children, NASA considers Zeus Of Piss 3 to be one of its most humiliating setbacks.

8. Mission Name: Cloacina 4

Mission Date: February 9, 2009

Mission Status: Success

The technological breakthroughs of the digital age enabled NASA to recruit a bodybuilder whose hair was so long that it went all the way to the floor. Due to this crucial engineering innovation, the bodybuilder was able to throw the toilet all the way to the moon. Sadly, when the urinal crashed into the lunar surface, it crushed a man, but fortunately, it was some boring guy who wasn’t even good at guitar. The bodybuilder was given a $50 gift card to Apple Music as a reward for his heroic role in the mission, and NASA was able to finally achieve their decades-long dream of having two urinals on the moon. NASA is currently developing the Artemis missions to send astronauts back to the lunar surface to piss in these urinals, and then once they do that they will be done with space forever.

If you’ve always dreaded being on jury duty because you were worried your judge wouldn’t be able to easily remove your tampon for you from his bench, you’re in luck: Tampax has introduced a tampon with a string long enough for them to do just that! 

Did somebody say GAME CHANGER?!

Tampax’s new Jury Duty line solves a problem that has plagued women since they were universally allowed to sit on juries in 1973: that way-too-short string that makes it practically impossible for the judge to tug your tampon out from all the way up at the bench. Tampax’s new Jury Duty tamps come in 40-foot, 70-foot, and 130-foot string options to choose from depending on the size of your courtroom, each with plenty of slack for the judge to really wrap that puppy around their hand and give that bad boy a yank and send it on its way. 

And they aren’t just for judges either! These strings are long enough that the bailiff, the stenographer, or even the defendant can take your tampon out for you so you can continue to focus on providing a fair trial.

Yep. All it’s going to take to get your tampon removed now during jury duty is a knowing nod and a clear path between you and the judge. This is so, so nice. 

This is one of those products that, when it comes out, you’re shocked that no one thought of it before. There’s almost no reason to buy standard, run-of-the-mill tampons anymore. Sign us up for a Costco bulk box of the 130-foot string version, please!

WASHINGTON — Secretary of War Pete Hegseth appeared visibly confused Tuesday after discovering that the phrase “fuck around and find out,” which he frequently uses on television to describe America's enemies, apparently applies to him as well.

The revelation came during a Pentagon briefing as the conflict with Iran entered what officials described as “its second week of not ending in a week.”

“Look, this will be over in seven days,” Hegseth said at the outset of the conflict, speaking with the confidence of a platoon leader who never developed a campaign plan. “You drop some bombs, hit a few Ayatollahs, and the people will just walk into the street and scream ‘you’ve been cancelled’ at the Iranian regime.”

Two weeks later, Iranian missiles are striking targets across the region, oil markets are in chaos, tankers are exploding in the Strait of Hormuz, and the Pentagon has begun using the phrase “dynamic operational environment,” which officials confirmed loosely translates to “we may have fucked around a bit too much and are now finding out.”

One aide said Hegseth was “particularly surprised” Iran did not immediately surrender after several days of strikes.

“The Secretary believed if we just air-war the shit out of them, they would quickly realize the United States puts the ‘dom’ in air dominance,” said Joe Kasper, a special government employee brought in by Hegseth.

Complicating matters has been Hegseth’s repeated description of the conflict as a “spiritual struggle,” which has created awkward moments among U.S. allies.

“The messaging about a holy war has been… difficult,” said one State Department diplomat. “Especially considering many of our partners are, by sheer coincidence, Muslim.”

The State Department has attempted to walk back the remarks as a translation issue.

“Holy war? No,” one official said. “He meant… war of good versus evil. Totally different.”

Diplomats said several allied governments responded with what one official described as “a long, uncomfortable pause, but in Arabic.”

The meeting reportedly ended with U.S. officials pleading with Gulf partners not to expel American forces.

IRAN — As the War in Iran enters its second month, international markets are already feeling the impact of shipments either delayed or altogether prevented from coming through the Strait of Hormuz. But American defense officials stress that the Strait is currently open and will remain open if you aren’t a bitch.

“Iranian mines and missile attacks are a real threat if you’re a pussy,” said U.S. Ambassador to the Middle East Jake Paul. “However, for those ships who are about that life, the Strait remains navigable.”

The Strait of Hormuz — the only maritime passage from the Persian Gulf to the open ocean — remains one of the world’s most critical chokepoints for global energy supply.

Shortly after the war began, Iran seeded the waterway with mines, effectively halting traffic for what Pentagon officials described as “captains with no fucking balls."

“Let me be clear: we did not underestimate Iran,” said Secretary of Warmaxxing Pete Hegseth. “We underestimated the number of tankers that would get sand in their vaginas over getting blown up and sunk.”

International partners have expressed concern over the Pentagon’s apparent lack of a coherent plan to restore normal shipping operations.

“We asked them what the plan was to deal with the mines,” said French Foreign Minister Pierre LePierre. “They told us to 'stop talking about it and to start being about it' with a meme about how everyone is a gangsta until it's time to do gangsta shit.”

The White House defended the approach, saying it is already producing results with ships beginning to show themselves as real ones by attempting to transit the waterway.

“On Tuesday, multiple oil tankers who have that dog in them crossed the Strait,” said Mike Lindell, recently appointed Chief of American Defense Strategy in Iran. “We expect this will lead to additional craft nutting up to reopen this vital supply line.”

Regional experts say ships that have successfully crossed the Strait typically notify Iran in advance that “today is not the day" and that they are not the one. Meanwhile, they advised any craft attacked while passing through the Strait that they should try being a fucking man for once in their goddamned life.

WASHINGTON — The Department of War is still struggling to explain what is happening with Iran while refusing to use what officials call “the ‘W’ word,” sources confirmed today.

Rumors have circulated for days of a full-blown — ahem — “thing” between the United States and its longtime regional adversary, but department officials declined to characterize the situation any further.

“We’re seeing each other acrimoniously,” said Secretary of War Pete Hegseth. “We don’t want to get ahead of ourselves.”

The department later issued internal guidance directing staff to describe the ongoing operation as a “hostile situationship” or “foreign entanglement we sought to avoid.”

Still, a cadre of increasingly frustrated reporters pressed Hegseth to clarify whether the United States was, in fact, at war.

“It turns out the word ‘war’ comes with a lot of baggage — like congressional oversight,” Hegseth said. “So we knew we had to change the name again, because we are not fighting any wars.”

Officials said several alternatives are under consideration, including “Department of Preemptive Aggression,” “Department of Explosions,” and “Military Department.”

“We briefly liked ‘Department of Aggression’ because it tested poorly with liberals,” one official said. “Then it tested poorly with conservatives too. At that point we realized we may have painted ourselves into a corner renaming it from ‘Department of Defense,’ which, in hindsight, was actually a pretty solid name.”

The compromise option, “Liberty Department,” was reportedly rejected because “no one could say it with a straight face.”

ARLINGTON, Va. — A local man who says he is “closely monitoring the rapidly evolving situation in Iran” admitted that his analysis largely consists of scrolling through videos posted by attractive Middle Eastern influencers celebrating the death of Ayatollah Ali Khamenei, sources confirmed today.

“I’m just trying to stay informed,” said Kyle McDonough after watching the same dance video of smoking-hot Persian influencer and PhD student Mooné Rahimi for the 37th time while insisting he is keeping tabs on everything happening in and around Iran.

McDonough said his geopolitical interest began after a video appeared in his feed starring influencer Goldie Ghamari.

“She was explaining the historical significance of the moment,” said McDonough a former defense contractor-turned-amateur open source intelligence analyst, replaying the video again. “Also she winked and said ‘freedom for Iran,’ which I think has major implications for regional stability.”

“That wink was for me," he added.

Since then, McDonough told reporters that he's been using LiveUAMap to get real-time updates on the war and definitely not endlessly scrolling through viral thirst trap videos on Instagram Reels and TikTok.

Meanwhile, friends say McDonough has spent the past several days forwarding videos of glamorous Iranian influencers to group chats with captions such as “Important update from Tehran.” He has also expanded his research to include popular “Women of the Israel Defense Force” social media accounts.

“These accounts provide critical regional context,” McDonough explained while watching a video of Israeli OnlyFans model Gal Gool in which she claims to have personally eliminated the Iranian Supreme Leader with what she called “two Israeli missiles" on her chest.

Some Middle East experts believe Western men may be radicalized by the growing influence of online “ji-hotties,” an alliance of Instagram models and TikTokers from Iran, Israel, and the Kurdish Women’s Protection Units. Some fear the content may radicalize Western men into becoming simps and passport bros.

MAR-A-LAGO — The White House announced Monday that President Donald Trump will be awarded the Medal of Honor after becoming the only person in America to successfully locate a Chief Warrant Officer 5.

“I’m no Trump fan,” said military historian Joshua Delano, “but you must give credit where credit is due. I’ve gone through archival records and couldn’t find a single instance where an Army warrant officer has been successfully summoned to a formal ceremony. This is groundbreaking. Entire thesis papers will be written about this at the War College.”

Known as highly specialized technical experts who exist somewhere between enlisted non-commissioned officers and commissioned officers, warrant officers have long been known for their deep love of rich black coffee and a legendary ability to disappear without a trace, often not being seen or heard from for days or weeks at a time.

Warrant officers are particularly known for their natural aversion to all things ceremonial. Defense officials say they instinctively vanish when confronted with promotion ceremonies, change-of-command ceremonies, morning accountability formations, or anything related to physical training. Even more perplexing, many warrant officers appear to be in excellent physical condition despite there being no eyewitness accounts of them actually exerting themselves.

When they are present in the workplace, warrant officers are known for a skill many have likened to a Jedi mind trick — the ability to be present, perform no visible work, yet still receive accolades for their technical expertise. A senior defense official called the phenomenon “mystifying.”

AN outwardly normal couple have decided to have not one, not two, not three, but four children, it has emerged.

Stephen and Carolyn Ryan of Nottingham have four offspring, but all appear to have been conceived, birthed and raised without their parents being visibly deranged or members of a cult.

Neighbour Nathan Muir said: “Initially we assumed they had some kind of contraceptive f**k-up at least twice, but apparently they really did choose to have this many children.

“They do normal things like going to work, taking the kids swimming, going on a family holiday every year. Frankly it’s creepy how they act like there’s nothing wrong.

“Sometimes they even seem happy about this waking nightmare they’ve created for themselves. Surely one day they’ll both snap and set fire to their seven-seater Citroën?”

Family friend Nicola Hollis said: “It’s weird. They’re not religious and they know about contraception. I’d understand if they were parenting influencers getting lucrative washing powder deals, but it’s like they enjoy having kids or something.”

Youngest son Oliver said: “I’d like to have more brothers and sisters, but mummy said ‘No, there’s a limit to how many times I can watch Bluey, so f**k that’.”

THE goal has been set: find the supposedly stolen phone of former Starmer aide Morgan McSweeney, end the current government and choose the next one. Here’s how:

Check police records

The Metropolitan Police, who are left-wingers in Labour’s pocket as their arrest records show, are lying about ‘failing to investigate the theft’. As if a police force would give out a crime number and then do nothing. Comb their records and you’ll soon find, as with all phone thefts, they assigned a senior detective to it immediately.

Find the culprit

Lying prick McSweeney claimed the phone was stolen by a ‘balaclava-wearing man on a bike’. Immediately suspicious, as such a gang could never roam central London with impunity. Police notes hidden from the public suggest the gang was made up of ‘Albanian nationals’ and the phone was ‘already on its way out of the UK’. It’s gone international.

Trace the address

Records show the phone was taken to a rented house in Croydon. Rented to who? A ‘Jim Smith’ who, a residency search proves, does not exist. The police explanation? ‘This is a multi-occupancy property used for criminal purposes.’ Come on, officer, this isn’t Charles Dickens’s Oliver Twist. Who really owns it? A landlord with a foreign name.

Follow the money

The foreign name is instantly suspicious. The Land Registry claims he’s a former Indian national investing in UK property. Albania and India? The plot thickens. This now appears to be a major international operation to protect McSweeney and his puppetmaster Starmer. Where do stolen phones end up? You guessed it. China.

Source the signal

Simply engaging Find My iPhone, admittedly for a different stolen phone but they’re largely identical, shows it ended up in Shenzhen, China. And now we’re getting closer to the motive: McSweeney is in their pay, Starmer is an agent of a foreign power, his true goal is the downfall of the West just like Liz Truss said and this phone will prove it.

Secure the phone

One long-haul flight later, a Chinese reseller picks up a phone from a stack without even looking while assuring you this is definitely the right one. Heading home, you scroll through messages that will bring down the government, once translated from Spanish and you’ve cracked the code of them pretending to be a teenage girl and her boyfriend. You’ve won.

A MAN has won a bravery award for talking down a suicide bomber in a hospital. But inveterate cowards should be prepared for such situations too. Here’s what to do.

A street robbery

Being robbed of your phone or wallet is traumatic for the victim but rarely fatal, so busy yourself dialling 999 instead of trying to intervene. You’re such a wimp you’d probably just say something embarrassing like ‘Excuse me, could you stop doing that, if that’s okay with you?’. And probably get mugged as well.

Someone falling into a river 

If someone is drowning make a big show of looking around frantically for a buoyancy aid rather than jumping in. With luck they’ll be carried away by the current and become someone else’s problem. It’s probably their own fault anyway. They wouldn’t be drowning in the first place if they’d got a swimming survival badge at school. You did. You got gold.

Terrorist attack 

Unfortunately inconsiderate bastards often take on terrorists with whatever weapons are to hand, putting you under pressure to do likewise. But you’re going to be busy running away. Stick with your plan and justify your cowardice by saying: ‘If I’d battered a terrorist it’d be me going to prison, with British justice these days!’ Enough idiots read the Mail and Express for you to get away with this.

Suspicious bag

If you see an unattended bag, act quickly and start rationalising why you don’t need to do anything. If it’s a rucksack or sports bag it probably belongs to those people over there, although they should stand closer to it to avoid putting you in an awkward situation. If it’s some sort of shopping bag, investigating would look as if you’re trying to steal someone’s purchases. Now walk away briskly, hoping you don’t hear a massive explosion behind you.

Unexploded WWII bomb

This means evacuating the area immediately, so don’t waste precious seconds informing your neighbours. Many Britons are obsessed with icky WWII nostalgia like The D-Day Darlings, so being blown up by a 500lb bomb from a Heinkel is probably how they’d like to go.

Someone falling through ice

To be honest, falling in yourself and getting trapped under the ice like you’ve seen in films is so nightmarish it’s a valid reason not to help. If other people manage to pull the victim out they still might die from hypothermia, so you know who the real hero is here? The person who popped into Costa and got them a nice hot caramel latte, ie. you. Obviously you got one for yourself.

People trapped in a burning car

You’d prefer it if professional fire officers dealt with this, but you really don’t want the victims to die horribly. Deep down you know you can’t just stand by, and in a moment of moral clarity you realise what you must do: take on a managerial role. As people unfairly blessed with more courage than you haul the victims from the burning wreck, stand a good 30m away helpfully shouting: ‘Watch out, it’s hot!’

ARE you genuinely excited about the upcoming Harry Potter TV series on HBO? Here’s how to find the urgent psychiatric help you clearly need.

Confront yourself in the mirror

What happened to you? You used to have taste. You watched The Sopranos, for f**k’s sake, you know what a good TV programme looks like. But now you’re excited for a needless remake of a children’s book nobody asked for. Remind yourself of these important truths while staring unflinchingly into a mirror. And possibly punching yourself to make sure you get the message.

Talk to friends

During times of distress you need the support of your friendship group. They’ll understand that the wizarding world is inherently quite entertaining, but true friends will also point out that you’re 34 and should be out getting pissed instead. If they’re emotionally intelligent they might even put on the Prisoner of Azkaban film. It’s a reminder of the good times, they’ll say. Now let Harry go.

Reach out to a professional

When you’ve lost your senses to this extent it’s wise to get professional help. A trained psychologist will delve into your mental issues, speak to your inner child, and ask them how they can possibly be excited by an HBO series that’s clearly never going to adapt all of the books. John Lithgow is 80 for f**k’s sake. Even if don’t cancel the show when viewers realise they’ve seen it all before only with better actors, John won’t be around to play Dumbledore for The Deathly Hallows.

Join a support group

Remember you’re not alone. Community centres across the UK may well have support groups for adults like yourself who’ve succumbed to marketing that appeals to your nostalgia. You’ll be in a safe space, surrounded by Disney adults, Whovians, and grown men without children who collect Pokemon cards. Together you can work through your traumas – even Harry not ending up with Hermione. 

Watch Mad Men

Being excited about Harry Potter could just mean you’ve forgotten what good TV is. You’re not ready to watch The Wire just yet, but Mad Men will serve as an effective reminder in the meantime. The gradual reveal of Don Draper’s secret past will reawaken your brain’s critical faculties, plus there’s lots of shagging to maintain your interest. By the time the Coca-Cola advert plays in season seven, you’ll be completely cured of your insanity. Unfortunately they’ll probably be remaking Mad Men by then as well.

If you’ve got a very strong opinion about something and resolutely defend it, only to come to the realisation that, actually, you were utterly mistaken, it can be very hard to admit to without feeling like a total wally. But it turns out that it can still be done. They’ve been chatting about slightly humiliating […]

The post People shared the beliefs they once defended to the hilt but later did a total reverse ferret – 23 eye-opening U-turns appeared first on The Poke.

The Place de la Concorde is one of most traffic-heavy squares in Paris – think Hyde Park Corner with easier access to great croissants. It’s no place to be a pedestrian, and the accident rate is pretty hair-raising for walkers and drivers alike. We don’t know what the drivers can do to make things better […]

The post This classic clip of a German reporter demonstrating how to cross the traffic-heavy Place de la Concorde is a real edge-of-your-seat watch appeared first on The Poke.

If you tune into Fox News then you always know you are in for a treat if pundit Jessica Tarlov is among the panellists. The best – and possibly only – reason to watch Fox News, she was on particularly good form during this exchange with Jesse Watters – you remember – after he proudly […]

The post Fox News’ Jesse Watters proudly listed all the newspapers he reads and this A++ comeback was simply magnificent appeared first on The Poke.

Spare a thought for @BenJNissim who flew all the way from America into Amsterdam only to be served this for breakfast. To be fair, we wouldn’t be happy about it either, just for different reasons. Because … look. Been in the EU for less than 15 minutes and I’m already annoyed at the portion sizes […]

The post An American complained about the size of European meals after being served this for breakfast and these Brits’ comebacks were all extra large appeared first on The Poke.

When the history books cover the topic of Donald John Trump, they’re going to focus on the law-breaking, the warmongering, the lies, and the corruption. However, the Guinness Book of Records may want to invent a new category for him, as the recipient of the greatest number of BS awards and trophies. There are, for […]

The post The Republican Party presented Trump with the new America First Award, and there’s not enough cringe in the world to cope with it appeared first on The Poke.