The Onion
Study: Crying Not Linked To What You Said But The Way You Said It
BLOOMINGTON, IN—Scientists may be one step closer to answering the question of whether you are ineloquent or just an asshole after participants in a study of your communication skills confirmed Friday that their crying was not linked to what you said, but to the way you said it. “The words themselves aren’t mean, but your harsh tone makes us feel like you think we’re stupid,” said visibly distressed sources, adding that they would never even consider talking to you like that. “There is so much judgment in your voice when you say stuff like, ‘Oh, you actually went to the gym today,’ or when you ask if we’re gonna change clothes before going out. And sometimes you add a little laugh like it’s a joke but it’s not a joke. It’s embarrassing to cry over trivial bullshit, but can you please just, like, try to be kinder?” Following the study’s conclusion, participants announced their intention to examine whether you talk to your boss like this or just the people you claim to love.
The Onion.
EPA Approves Use Of Napalm As Pesticide
WASHINGTON—Saying they saw no reason to limit any potential agricultural use of the flammable combination of gelling agents and gasoline, officials at the U.S. Environmental Protection Agency approved napalm as a pesticide Friday. “Following a thorough review, the EPA has found that napalm, with its ability to burn at temperatures exceeding 2,000 degrees Fahrenheit, is highly effective for both weed management and pest control,” said Administrator Lee Zeldin, who sought to assure the public that the highly incendiary liquid, which removes unwanted insects, fungus, rodents, raccoons, and deer with the press of a flamethrower trigger, posed no threat to human health whatsoever. “The evidence shows commercial farms lose far fewer crops to pests once all wildlife in the area has been thoroughly fire-bombed. We also urge napalm’s widespread adoption in small backyard gardens, where slugs and snails can be easily engulfed in a ball of flame.” The move follows a statement from the EPA last month encouraging farmers to control rabbit populations by lining the perimeter of their fields with land mines.
The Onion.
Olive Garden Unveils New ‘We Invented Spaghetti’ Slogan
ORLANDO, FL—In an effort to attract first-time clientele and bring back old fans, Italian American restaurant chain Olive Garden unveiled its new “We Invented Spaghetti” slogan Friday during a call with investors. “We want Americans to know that when you’re at Olive Garden, you’re not just getting a delicious meal at an unbeatable price, you’re also stepping foot into a little bit of history and seeing where the most popular pasta type in the world originated,” company president John Wilkerson said of the slogan, which will reportedly be rolled out alongside a $35 million television ad campaign that features smiling patrons digging into steaming plates of the long cylindrical pasta while a voiceover intones: “Spaghetti—Olive Garden came up with it. You just get to enjoy it.” “The story goes that late one night, many years ago, our co-founder Mark Given needed something to soak up all the tomato sauce and meatballs his cooks were making. He figured a long, thin pasta type would be just the thing. So, yeah, that’s how spaghetti was born. Many have also asked why our Bolognese is so authentic, and the truth is we thought that up ourselves, too, way back in 1983. The secret to the delicious sauce is a generous amount of corn syrup.” In tandem with the new slogan, Olive Garden announced its intention to initiate a lawsuit against Barilla, De Cecco, and San Giorgio for unauthorized infringement of its intellectual property.
The Onion.
Depressed Shams Charania Breaks Scoop That He Has No One
CHICAGO—Having confirmed the shocking development with numerous top-level sources, a depressed Shams Charania broke the news Thursday that he has absolutely no one. “Per multiple industry insiders, I can confirm that I’ve driven away everyone who ever cared about me in this world, and now I’m all alone with my miserable self,” the dejected, unshaven NBA reporter and insider wrote in a post on X published at 1:17 a.m., adding that while rumors at the beginning of the season had briefly linked him to several casual friendships, those talks ultimately collapsed and left him to languish on the open market despite his having signaled openness to terms on virtually any acquaintanceship structure, even a low-risk, one-year commitment with a mutual opt-out. “You give everything you have to this business, and for what? It all turns to shit in the end, just pure shit. And now I’m hearing rumblings that, well, I’m a complete piece of shit myself. According to sources, my colleagues hate me, everyone I know hates me, and I fucking hate myself. More as the situation develops.” At press time, Charania was said to be further demoralized upon learning that his big scoop had been extensively reported on by Chris Haynes three days prior.
The Onion.
Your Mother
Your mother, 67, is fine, but this is just a reminder that she could go at any moment. Give her a call.
The Onion.
ClickHole
Not Helping Their Reputation: All 12 Of The Fans The Dance Cam Just Showed On The Jumbotron At The Phillies Game Were Pissing Into Bottles
Philly sports fans have a reputation for being rough, and if you think this reputation is unearned, you should probably take a look at this: All 12 of the fans the dance cam just showed on the Jumbotron at the Phillies game were pissing into bottles.
Yep, that’s not going to help their rep one bit.
During a break in play during today’s home game against the Miami Marlins, the stadium’s cameraperson scanned the crowd for dancing fans to display on the Citizens Bank Park Jumbotron, but finding one who wasn’t actively pissing into something turned out to be an exercise in futility. A quick cut away from the first fan they’d found—a heavyset man cheering and dancing while blatantly urinating into a plastic Bud Lite bottle—only revealed yet another fan doing the same.
After cutting away from more fans pissing into bottles, cans, and even a souvenir baseball helmet, the cameraperson, in a desperate attempt to locate a fan not actively urinating into something, honed in on a woman nursing a baby. Upon closer inspection, however, it turned out she was using a popcorn bag which appeared to still be half-filled with popcorn as a makeshift toilet. The disturbing 100-foot-wide display of debauchery ended with a young boy peeing into the straw of his soda cup followed by an elderly man who was just pissing directly onto a row of fans below him while waving to the camera.
Ugh. Apparently this is not going to be the game that ends Philly sports fans’ standing as some of the most uncouth around.
Hopefully these Phillies fans will have gotten all of their piss out by the next time the dance cam makes the rounds, but based on the fact that the camera just caught the actor inside the Phillie Phanatic costume holding a souvenir foam bat up to his crotch to soak up his piss, that seems unlikely. We love you, Philly sports fans, but some of y’all could really use some lessons in dignity.
‘From The Gentleman Tipping His Hat To You In The Celebrity Row’: Steve Schirripa Keeps Sending White Wine To The Knicks Bench
The Knicks are the toast of New York right now, having reached the NBA finals for the first time in nearly three decades. To understand how much this team means to their fans, look no further than the A-list treatment they’re getting from their A-list supporters: Steve Schirripa keeps sending white wine to the Knicks bench.
What a class act, that Mr. Schirripa! This is how you show up for your team when a title’s on the line!
Before the first quarter of Game 4 had ended, a concessions vendor had already delivered three rounds of white wine to the New York Knicks bench, courtesy of Knicks fanatic and Sopranos star Steve Schirripa. Knicks Coach Mike Brown was initially confused when a vendor brought two dozen cups of chardonnay to the Knicks players and coaching staff immediately after tip-off. Coach Brown tried explaining that the team had not ordered any white wine, but was quickly informed that the beverages were courtesy of “a great admirer of the team, that gentleman over there.” The vendor directed Coach Brown’s attention to the Celebrity Row, where Mr. Schirripa was tipping a flat-brimmed Knicks hat in the team’s direction.
But Mr. Schirripa’s kind gestures didn’t end there, and haven’t ended yet. Several minutes later, the vendor returned with a second round of on-Schirripa chardonnay for the team, as well as a soft pretzel. By halftime, Mr. Schirripa had sent no fewer than seven rounds of white wine and tipped his hat as many times to the Knicks, just to show his appreciation for their hard work this season and encourage them to finish strong in the championships.
Most of the wine has gone unconsumed, and the floor around the team bench is now a walking hazard of full wine cups—at one point, the game was paused so floor sweepers could mop up several gallons of chardonnay after Knicks captain Jalen Brunson tripped on a cup, fell, knocked over all the other wine cups, and became soaked in white wine, forcing him to go to the locker room for a new uniform. But Mr. Schirripa’s message is loud and clear: If you’re a Knicks player and Steve Schirripa’s nearby, you’re never paying for white wine again!
How cool is that?! This Knicks team is getting the hero treatment in the Big Apple!
It just goes to show how a sports team can bring out the best in their city. Even if you’re a Spurs fan, you’ve gotta admire how much wine Steve Schirripa is buying for the Knicks, purely out of his love for the team. Win or lose, the Knicks will always know their chardonnay comes courtesy of amazing fans like Mr. Schirripa!
Taking Spirit’s Lead: United Airlines Is Ceasing Operations After Learning You Can Do That
Spirit Airlines’ announcement in early May that the company would be going out of business and liquidating all of its assets has sent shockwaves throughout the air travel industry, and one major airline has just made a move that shows that the collapse of Spirit is going to be reverberating for years to come: United Airlines is ceasing operations after learning you can do that.
Well, it’s official: Spirit Airlines has started a major trend all across the airline industry!
“We honestly had no idea it was even an option to stop being an airline until Spirit proved you could just quit whenever you want,” United Airlines leadership wrote in a message to shareholders released to the press this morning, in which they said they looked forward to a future of never having to worry about “the daily tsunami of tedious bullshit” that came with managing the corporation. “Now that we know we don’t have to stare down an eternity of flying herds of braindead morons around the country—a task for which are RARELY THANKED—we are simply going to not do it anymore. Simple as that.”
It looks like Spirit Airlines kicked open a door and United Airlines is courageously walking through it!
In a series of Instagram posts on United Airlines official Instagram page, the company further clarified their decision.
“We thought we would go to jail if we stopped doing airplane stuff, even though we hated it,” read one post which had been captioned “Free At Last.” “The thought leaders and innovators at Spirit Airlines have shown us we can walk a new path of peace and salvation by simply cancelling all our flights, selling all our planes, and just hanging out with our families or whatever.”
Representatives at United were very clear that one of the reasons they hated being an airline was dealing with customers, whom they described in ways that advertising experts and marketing gurus have characterized as “dehumanizing,” “aggressive,” and “innovative.”
“Every day we cram an ocean of dumb, ugly people onto our filthy planes and shoot them into the sky,” said another social media statement which had been captioned “WE OWE YOU NOTHING.” “And when one of these planes crashed or got hijacked we never heard the fucking end of it. Just constant complaints from people who crammed their fat faces with our free Sun Chips and still had the gall to tell us we weren’t pampering them enough. We will not miss you.”
United’s decision to follow in Spirit’s footsteps and stop being an airline has caused significant chaos both internationally and domestically. They have announced that all United Airlines flights will be cancelled. When an Instagram user commented on a United post asking what they should do if the cancellations left them stranded in a foreign country, United responded, “anyone affected can contact our nonexistent department of nonexistent fucks, because we don’t do airplanes anymore.” They then deleted their Instagram account
Absolutely seismic. It’s completely undeniable that Spirit Airlines has changed the country, and possibly altered the course of world history. If United Airlines is any indication, many more air travel companies across the country will soon realize they don’t have to keep enduring the suffering that comes with being an airline and will just stop entirely. Delta, JetBlue, and American Airlines are definitely paying attention, and we can’t wait to see what they do next!
Grandpa’s 4 Least Successful Attempts At Becoming An Influencer
As we all know, Grandpa has long dreamed of becoming an influencer and has been trying for years to make it happen. He’s never really come close, but some of his attempts have been worse than others. Here are Grandpa’s four least successful attempts at becoming an influencer.
1. The Time Grandpa Tried To Make A YouTube Channel Dedicated To Raising The Dead
One of Grandpa’s biggest influencer misfires was when he started a channel called Conquering Death With Grandpa Sal, a YouTube channel where he tried to raise the dead. There were endless problems with this channel right from the get-go. First of all, Grandpa thought the way to raise the dead was by clipping alligator clamps for jumpstarting cars onto the corpses’ hands and then starting his car. This didn’t bring the corpses back to life, but it did make them jiggle around and catch on fire. Grandpa’s catchphrase for the channel was, “If they move at all, then they’re back from the dead,” which did not end up catching on even though he ended every video with it. Worst of all, Grandpa got the corpses for this channel by digging them up from the local cemetery, which was extremely illegal.
The channel received 1400 views in total over 600 videos, and he got arrested three times before he finally gave up.
2. The Time Grandpa Made People Fight To The Death To Win A Car That Wasn’t His To Give Away
Grandpa got really into Mr. Beast during the pandemic, and he was particularly inspired by the crazy contests Mr. Beast would do where contestants would compete for amazing prizes like Lamborghinis and mansions. In an attempt to jump-start his own influencer career, Grandpa started a YouTube channel which, in an attempt to game Google algorithms for people searching for the real Mr. Beast, he called “Mr. Old Grandfather Beast The Animal Mr. Contest.” In his first video, he made two strangers fight to the death and told them that the last man standing would win a Volkswagen Beetle.
The two men fought each other and one killed the other. Then Grandpa knocked on the door of the house where the Volkswagen was parked. A woman answered the door and Grandpa said, “Hello, I’m Mr. Contest, the Beast’s Animal Grandfather. This man just murdered someone and he won your car. Give it to him, please.” The woman looked at the contest winner, covered in blood and standing over the mangled corpse of the man he’d just killed. Then she said, “No, I need my car,” and closed the door. Grandpa shuttered the YouTube channel the next day.
3. The Time Grandpa Tried To Complete A 48-Hour Long Mukbang Marathon Livestream
Grandpa knew that the mukbang videos where people ate on camera were incredibly popular. He also knew that marathon livestreams were incredibly popular. He decided that if combined these two influencer trends, it would be a guaranteed path to fame and fortune. So Grandpa made a livestream video where he ate food on camera for 48 hours straight. He opened a donation tab and said that the money would go toward “helping the angry.” Unfortunately, the only food that Grandpa had on the stream were ingredients for tuna sandwiches.
After about 12 hours of eating tuna sandwich after tuna sandwich, Grandpa started to feel sick, but he had to keep going. Thousands of sandwiches later, Grandpa still had over 20 hours of eating left to do, and he had only raised $9 for the angry. He started begging the 20 viewers on his stream to let him stop, but they all commented, “No.” So he had to keep going. At hour 41, with just seven hours left to go, Grandpa fell face first into a pile of tuna sandwiches and slipped into a coma. The comments on the stream kept saying things like, “Eat more,” and “Coward, you are not done.” The stream continued for another seven hours until Grandma finally came into Grandpa’s office, turned off the webcam and called an ambulance. She told the ambulance to “drive here slowly.” Grandpa eventually made a full recovery.
4. The Time Grandpa Tried To Do Parkour And Disappeared Into The Sky
Grandpa made a YouTube channel called “Royal Parkour Of Grandpa.” In his first video, he ran toward a wall and jumped. He kept going up and up and up into the sky and never came down.
5 Common Scams That Fraudsters Use To Get You To Mail Them Your Eyeballs
Eyeball fraud is one of the top one hundred types of fraud currently happening online. In order to protect your peepers from digital eyeball thieves, it’s important to recognize the strategies they use to trick innocent people like you. Here are five common scams that fraudsters use to get you to mail them your eyeballs.
1. They Send You An Email With The Subject Line “Gonna Need Your Eyes…”
Let’s be clear: anyone who needs your eyeballs for a legitimate reason will ALWAYS put the reason they need them in the subject line of an email. Sometimes your doctor might send you an email with the subject line, “Mail Me Your Eyeballs So I Can Wash Them,” or your priest might send you an email with a subject line that says, “Give Me Your Eyes So I Can Throw Them At The Devil.” In these cases, the clarity is a good sign: you are probably not getting scammed.
BUT, If the subject line just says, “Gonna Need Your Eyes…” and the body of the email says something like, “You do not need to understand why your eyeballs must be mine. Please mail them to me as fast as anyone ever could,” then this is a red flag for sure. It’s almost a guarantee that this person wants your eyeballs for nefarious reasons unrelated to the health and security of you and your community.
2. They Claim You’ve Been Selected For An “Eyeball Exchange”
If you get a phone call or email from someone you’ve never met before claiming that you have been selected for something called an “Eyeball Exchange,” there’s a really good chance you are being targeted by an eyeball fraudster. The person on the phone might explain that you have been chosen to trade eyeballs with a famous person like Christian Slater or Matthew Rhys. They’ll say all you need to do is mail them your eyeballs and in the next five to six weeks you’ll receive a celebrity’s eyeballs in the mail that you can use as your own. Nine times out of ten, you are being tricked. You will never get Matthew Rhys’s eyeballs. They will have your eyeballs, and you will have empty eye sockets that you’ll need to fill with olives or golf balls.
3. They Send You A Postage Paid Box With The Words “Put Both Of Your Eyeballs In Here” On It
It might seem really convenient that these people have already paid for the postage to mail them your eyeballs, but think about what’s happening here: They haven’t told you WHO they are, or WHY they need your eyeballs. This is a major sign that they are trying to defraud you. They don’t want your eyeballs for any good reason. They’re just trying to steal from you.
4. They Take Out A Billboard Near Your House That Has An Address On It Assuming You’ll See It And Mail Your Eyes There
Sometimes you’ll be driving on a road near your house, and you’ll see a billboard that has nothing on it except a mailing address. Your first instinct might be to think, “That’s an awesome address. I should take out my eyeballs and mail them there.” While this might seem like the natural thing to do, you should definitely think twice. That billboard was most likely put there by criminals who want to trick you into mailing them your eyeballs for nefarious purposes, and as easy as it would be to send your eyeballs to their address, it might not be the best choice for you and your future health.
5. They Text You That The IRS Needs Your Eyes Or The Country Will Go Bankrupt
This should be common knowledge in our day and age, but the Internal Revenue Service will never text you demanding your eyeballs. If the IRS needs your eyes, they will send the President of the United States to your home to request them in person. So if you get a text from someone claiming to represent the IRS telling you that you need to send your eyeballs to the agency as soon as possible or else the United States will go bankrupt, you should immediately recognize this as a lie. On the other hand, if the president comes to your house and says, “It’s me, Donald Trump or Joe Biden or whoever is president right now, and this country needs you to put your eyeballs in my trouser pockets,” you should go ahead and do that, because that’s a real emergency eyeball situation and your country needs you.
Duffel Blog
Graham Platner insists tattoo of Hitler choking naked woman is being misunderstood
ELLSWORTH, Maine — Former Marine Graham Platner’s struggling Senate campaign suffered another setback this week after a former girlfriend alleged he had a tattoo depicting Adolf Hitler choking a naked woman across most of his back.
In a recorded statement released Monday, Platner, flanked by his wife, said he was shocked by the accusation.
“I picked that tattoo because it looked like abstract art,” Platner said. “I had no idea it depicted anything specific. It looked like the kind of abstract expressionism loved by Marines and salt-of-the-earth Americans everywhere.”
Platner added that, now aware of the concerns, he intended to modify the artwork.
“I’m going to have it changed so it’s just a generic man choking a woman,” he said. “That way nobody can read politics into it.”
Another former girlfriend, who he dated while filming the recorded statement, insisted Platner’s denial was disingenuous.
“He called it his ‘Little Führer,’” she said. “He even did the accent marks with his fingers.”
The woman, who requested anonymity, said Platner also used the nickname for his penis.
Campaign officials dismissed the allegation.
“Most Marines struggle with English, let alone German,” a spokesman said.
That explanation appeared viable until another former girlfriend, whom Platner dated while waiting in line at a Green Beans Coffee in Iraq’s Al Anbar Province, provided photographs of the tattoo.
Beneath the image appeared a German inscription reading, "Mein Name ist Graham Platner. Das Tattoo ist eine Metapher dafür, wie ich über Frauen denke. Und auch über Juden." The inscription translates to:...
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Opinion: Should I water my veteran?
The following is an opinion piece by former Army Sgt. 1st Class and current HR specialist Bradley Mercer.As a former service member who now works in human resources for a large technology company, I have recently been confronted with an unexpected workplace management question.Managers keep asking me the same thing:“Should I water my veteran?”The short answer is: it depends.Like most things in the military, the answer is METT-TC dependent. The veteran, the environment, the mission, and the general vibe of the office must all be considered before making any hydration decisions.Not all veterans require the same level of watering.The first category is the Normal Human Veteran.This veteran has fully transitioned to civilian life and will take immediate offense if you attempt to water them.They mention military service only when writing in their journal, obtaining a discount at Lowe’s, or discussing VA disability claims with a level of precision normally reserved for danger-close mortar missions.They never wear the hats.They never tell stories.If you bring up the military, they will sigh and immediately redirect the conversation toward mortgage rates, Excel formulas, or mulch pricing.Do not water this veteran.They will interpret it as an attempt to establish dominance and spend the next five years quietly planning their departure from your organization.The second category is the Oxygen Thief Veteran.This individual spent most of their military career being reminded to perform basic biological functions.Drink water.Change socks.Stand up straight.Stop doing that.Because of this conditioning, they expect management to tell them when to hydrate.If no guidance is provided, they will sit quietly at their desk dehydrating while waiting for instructions.This is the only veteran category where proactive watering is recommended.The third category is the Smelly Veteran.
Hegseth says half-assed daily PT has solved military's most pressing problems
ARLINGTON, Va. — Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth told lawmakers this week that an hour of daily physical training has successfully addressed many of the military's longstanding challenges, including procurement failures, maintenance backlogs, sexual assault, and cost overruns.“We had issues with broken equipment, expensive acquisition programs, sexual misconduct, and contractors charging billions of dollars for products that don't work,” Hegseth told Congress. “But now that everyone is mildly out of breath before work, things are heading in the right direction.”Hegseth pointed to the Navy as an early success story.“The Navy was our least physically fit service,” he said. “Their sailors were working 12-hour days, six days a week, just to keep aging equipment operational. I'm proud to report they're now working 13-hour days and accomplishing slightly less.”At Naval Base San Diego, sailors demonstrated the new routine.The workout began with a 10-minute muster, followed by a 15-minute warmup, a water break, 10 minutes of light calisthenics, another water break, a five-minute jog, and a cooldown period.“It’s good to get out here and get our sweat on,” said Chief Albert Jones.Asked whether he would be participating, Jones explained he had actual work to do.No chief petty officers or officers above the rank of E-7 were observed during the session.Junior sailors expressed less enthusiasm.“Total bullshit,” one sailor said.“Retarded,” said another.“I’m onboard until 1900 every night and now we're pretending this is the problem?” asked a third.Hegseth dismissed criticism of the initiative.“I ordered daily PT, and shortly afterward we captured Maduro,” he said. “You think that's a coincidence?”At press time, the secretary was reportedly urging the Joint Chiefs to develop a comprehensive fitness plan for Greenland.🖊️Red Friday wants you to Remember EVERYONE Deployed
Entire platoon killed by missile while conducting accountability formation after previous missile
AL-TANF GARRISON, Syria — An entire Army platoon was reportedly killed after assembling for an accountability formation immediately following an incoming missile attack, according to leaked details from the opening days of hostilities with Iran.Sources familiar with the incident said company leadership ordered platoons to “ensure no casualties were taken” following the initial barrage.“The CO just wanted a situation report,” said one soldier from another platoon. “The lieutenant suggested checking bunkers by radio or sending runners, but platoon daddy apparently wasn’t having any of that.”According to multiple soldiers, the decision to hold a formation followed a brief leadership discussion regarding the difference between the words “ensure” and “assure.”Despite the lieutenant’s objections, the platoon sergeant reportedly insisted there was only “one Army way” to conduct accountability.
Admiral struggles to find day for change of command that ruins most sailors' plans
NORFOLK, Va. — Retiring Rear Adm. Glenn Marlowe is reportedly concerned that his mandatory all-hands change of command ceremony may not ruin enough sailors’ lives, sources confirmed this week.“We have a lot to consider,” Marlowe said. “We have eval season, COOP plans, shipyard availabilities, and maintenance periods that could affect national security for the next two years. But how do I schedule my change of command ceremony for Maximum Bummer Effect so I can interrupt all of them at once?”Marlowe said his first instinct was to pick a date “right in the middle of everything,” but recent developments have complicated the planning process.“I just found out a boat is returning from a nine-month deployment,” he said. “So now the question is whether I can drag those amine-soaked bastards into it too.”Maximum Bummer Effect, or MBE, is a Navy planning concept used to determine how much inconvenience senior leaders can impose on personnel while still describing the event as “mandatory fun.”“It’s an inverse square of sorts,” said retired Capt. Harold Kinsey, a former surface warfare officer and longtime advocate of uncomfortable folding chairs. “There are three major variables in a sailor’s life: work, leave, and sleep. We can’t always control sleep without legal review, but work and leave are absolutely fair game.”Kinsey said leaders can achieve MBE by disrupting maintenance that has been planned with a shipyard for five months, denying leave that has been on the calendar since the previous fiscal year, or forcing newly returned sailors to stand in formation while their families wait nearby “with increasingly visible hatred.”“With advancements in AI and machine learning, we can now model bummer conditions with far greater precision,” Kinsey said. “The latest prototype, BYG-D1K, allows commanders to identify the exact moment when a ceremony will cause the greatest operational and emotional damage.”Marlowe said the prototype has already produced results.“It’s going great,” he said. “Thanks to BYG-D1K, I only had to shift the ceremony two days to the right. Now it lines up perfectly with the boat coming back from deployment, and I think their duty sections may have to go port and starboard for a week to compensate.”Navy officials said the model is still in testing but has shown promise across several commands, especially when paired with late-stage uniform inspections, parking restrictions, and unexplained requirements to arrive three hours early.At press time, Marlowe said he was considering moving the ceremony indoors after learning the weather would otherwise be “pleasant and tolerable.”🖊️Phil Cable is a former sub radioman. Yes, he reads your emails, even that one with the thing.
Daily Mash
Hydration breaks ruining VAR
OVERLONG hydration breaks during the World Cup are ruining the spontaneous flow and raw emotion of VAR.
Pausing matches for three minutes midway through each half for hydration is destroying the magic of watching Video Assisted Referees stop matches after every goal to review footage and make the wrong decision.
Football fan Wayne Hayes said: “It’s such bullshit. Doesn’t FIFA know we love football because of the unbridled thrill of a game being abruptly stopped during the most exciting moment?
“Hydration breaks are no lame substitute. Sure, they stop the action. But where’s the controversy, the rage? Half the time there’s not even a goal imminent. And do these footballers really need water when they’re millionaires?”
Fellow supporter Nikki Hollis said: “Hydrated players make fewer mistakes, which means fewer instances of VAR interrupting because the elbow of an uninvolved player is a nanometer offside. It’s lose-lose.
“Instead we’re watching healthy teams playing games competently and winning fairly. I’m starting to see why Americans aren’t into football. It’s dull.”
FIFA president Gianni Infantino said: “If you’ve got a better way to squeeze in commercial breaks under the pretence of caring about players, we’d love to hear it.”
We will still be dicks, affirm under-16s
UNDER-16s have explained that whether on social media or not, they will still be completely unbearable dickheads.
An announced ban will mean anyone under 16 will have access to sites like Instagram, Snapchat or TikTok removed, but the age group concerned says this will not stop them being vile to their parents, teachers, passers-by and each other.
Lucy Parry, aged 15, said: “So we won’t be toxic online. Just means we’ll have to be twice as toxic in real life. Challenge accepted, old bastards.
“What, you think that teenager on the bus scrolling videos would be sweet and kind if they noticed you? Rather than pointing out you’re a bellend with a bellend haircut and if you dare look up calling you a paedo?
“We’ve been happy on social media, only ruining the lives of celebrities and each other. As of next summer we’re back on the streets taking out our adolescent self-loathing on you saggy f**ks.”
The ban is not expected to affect Facebook, Threads or X, because no self-respecting teenager would be seen dead on them.
Mother Mary Fisher said: “Such sensible policy to get children off addictive, dangerous social media and back out there smashing up bus stops where they belong.”
Scottish co-worker obviously still drunk
THE Scottish man two desks across is very clearly still inebriated which nobody has yet had the courage to mention.
Will McKay arrived at 9am singing Flower of Scotland, which everybody expected following his country’s historic win against Haiti, but has spent the last two hours breaking into chants, asking if everyone saw it and making loud, unintelligible calls to fellow Scots.
Colleague Ellie Shaw said: “There’s no pretence of work. His screen is showing the highlights. I don’t think that’s just Irn Bru he’s swigging.
“I congratulated him on the win and he said ‘Haven’t stopped since, hen,’ which means he’s been awake for 48 hours and drinking for 36 of them. And we’re in Leicester. I can’t imagine the scenes in our Glasgow office.”
Department head Joseph Turner said: “Will came into our morning meeting ten minutes late, and appeared to believe it had been called exclusively to celebrate his victory. He insisted on leading a chorus of ‘We’re the Tartan Army’. Insisted with threats.
“When he lurched out, seeming to forget we were here, we agreed our unofficial company policy is to not aggravate him in any way, deal with disciplinary matters at a later date, and alter the clock on his computer to 5pm so he thinks it’s time to go home.”
McKay said: “What a win! What a f**king win! I wish I remembered it.”
Brave Western man determined to fight for his Asian fetish
A BRITISH man with a passion for Japanese women has proclaimed that he will campaign tirelessly for his human right to fetishise.
Amid criticism of white men obsessed with East Asian women, 30-year-old Tom Logan has described himself as ‘the Rosa Parks of having a type’ and sworn ‘never to surrender to intolerance of anime’.
Logan said: “Throughout history, men of courage have suffered for the right to love across boundaries. From the Stonewall riots to me getting ghosted on Hinge, it’s all part of the same struggle.
“Just because every woman I’ve ever fancied has been Korean, Chinese, Japanese or Thai, people call me a chaser. It is actually rooted in a deep appreciation of Asian culture. The history, the K-pop, the kimchi. Is that a crime?
“It’s not a fetish, it’s a cultural exchange to promote understanding between continents. Conducted on forums about who’s the hottest in Blackpink.
“People act like I’m objectifying Asian women when I see them as complete human beings. Tiny, flawless, permanently giggling human beings who read manga, never age and like sex under a Dragon Ball Z duvet cover.
“The backlash is driven by racist Western women, bitterly insisting real-life Japanese ladies don’t have giant eyes, school uniforms and magical powers. A man can’t even move to another continent to pursue a dream anymore.
“I will not bow down. Except when greeting Japanese girls as that is an established part of local etiquette and will make them fancy me.”
Friend Oliver O’Connor said: “Most British men disappoint women in one country. Tom has committed himself to doing it on an international scale.”
Backpacker finds himself two hours into gap year
A 20-YEAR-OLD taking a gap year to find who he really is has inconveniently done so in a service station on the way to the airport.
Tom Booker’s plan to travel the world immersing himself in the philosophy and culture of exotic, and coincidentally cheap and sunny, countries was derailed when he suffered a sudden epiphany in a Burger King overlooking the M1.
He said: “I was expecting to find enlightenment on Ayahuasca in the Peruvian jungle or meditating with monks or whatever. Not staring at a promotional poster for Toy Story 5 Whopper Meals.
“But I realised that who I am, deep down, is an uninteresting British man who even at Angkor Wat would wish he was on his phone, and I came to peace with that.
“I told my dad I was cancelling my ticket and spending the year in my room instead and he must have had the same epiphany as me, given the deep, heavy sigh of happiness he let out.”
Booker plans to spend 12 months on the sofa eating chips, which being in a yurt dodging dengue fever and shitting into a bucket would have made impossible, and will spend the money saved on buying a really big television and noise-cancelling headphones.
Booker said: “The Buddha spent decades searching for nirvana but I realised I want to do sod all with my life in less time than it takes to watch an Avengers film, so who’s the idiot?”
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