Daring Fusion Restaurant Mixes Texan, Mexican Flavors

AMARILLO, TX—Expressing astonishment over the unorthodox combination of the two distinct cuisines, local customers described the remarkable culinary innovation they experienced Thursday at the grand opening of a daring new fusion restaurant that mixes Texan and Mexican flavors. “It sounds kind of gimmicky, but somehow the flavors work together,” said local resident Harrison Peters, who was surprised the sharp, herby flavors of northern Mexico and the beefy, cheesy decadence of southern Texas worked together on the same plate. “I’d never dream of dipping tortilla chips in queso. They have a burrito loaded with a wild mishmash of sour cream, beans, and guac, but it tastes incredible. This place is taking modern cuisine to unimaginable new heights.” The customers went on to express shock after discovering tortillas made of flour instead of corn. The Onion.

Study: More Americans Foregoing College In Favor Of Letting The Carnival Sort Them Out

COLUMBIA, MO—Surveying a wide cross section of Americans aged 18 to 24, a new study published Tuesday by researchers at the University of Missouri found that more Americans were foregoing college in favor of letting the carnival sort them out. “In a dire job market like this, it doesn’t make sense to spend tens of thousands of dollars on a degree, not when I can get experience right now running the Zipper out on the midway,” said recent high school graduate Michael Todd, who described his plan to visit backwater towns and learn practical lessons from a traveling band of misfits and ex-cons as they operate amusement rides across the country. “I could spend the next four years in college and start at the bottom of the career totem pole, or I could spend those four years acquiring real life skills while presiding over the balloon and dart game. I’ve already learned so much about marks from One Tooth Mitch.” Experts confirmed that while artificial intelligence has begun to render many jobs obsolete, it will never replicate the human capacity to quickly break down and reassemble a Tilt-A-Whirl. The Onion.

Shams Charania Casually Tells Colleagues He Really Looking Forward To Breaking Michael Jordan’s Death

CHICAGO—Anticipating the announcement would rank among the biggest scoops of his career, ESPN senior NBA insider Shams Charania is said to have casually mentioned to his colleagues Tuesday that he was really looking forward to breaking the news of Michael Jordan’s eventual death. “When MJ dies, I’ll be right there with a ‘breaking news’ post on all the socials—it’ll probably start trending immediately,” Charania told his reportedly silent coworkers in the ESPN break room, adding that he had been hard at work cultivating sources within various hospitals and hospices in the Jupiter, FL, area in order to ensure he had exclusive access to the six-time NBA Finals MVP’s death certificate and autopsy photos. “I’ll probably keep it real classy and straightforward. Just an announcement of when and where he died, with a thing at the end that’s like, ‘Men die, but legends live forever.’ Or maybe I can get ‘Just do it’ in there somehow. I don’t know, I’m still workshopping it. Luckily, I have a few years to iron this out.” At press time, sources confirmed Charania had opened Canva to work on the custom graphic he was designing to accompany Jordan’s death announcement, a stark, black-and-white image reading simply, “23.” The Onion.

Elderly Man Uses Library To Print Out Pornography

The Onion.

Study: Reading For Fun Down Among Schoolchildren

New Education Department data found a double-digit decline in the number of school-aged children who read for fun almost every day, with the share of 13-year-olds who regularly read for pleasure down almost half since 2012. What do you think? “Nothing a deeply obscene fan fiction can’t fix.” Kimberly Sanchez, Doll Dresser “The sooner children learn to stop taking any pleasure in life, the better.” Andy Briscoe, Unemployed “Books aren’t for fun, they’re for warning children about rabies.” Frank Gatt, Box Carrier The Onion.

MLB Rebrands To MLBTQ+

U.S. — In an effort to better reflect the league's values, Major League Baseball announced that it had officially rebranded from "MLB" to "MLBTQ+".

Aliens Go Home & Say There Is No Intelligent Life On Earth After Meeting Neil DeGrasse Tyson

U.S. — Humanity's long-awaited first contact with advanced extraterrestrials came to a disappointing end this week after visiting aliens returned home and officially classified Earth as a barren, unintelligent world following a brief encounter with astrophysicist Neil deGrasse Tyson.

Oh No! Trump Negotiates Deal With England And Now They Have The Colonies Back

U.S. — According to sources, a routine agreement negotiated by President Donald Trump has resulted in control of the original 13 colonies being transferred back to Great Britain.

Man Attributes Classical Music Knowledge To Watching Bugs Bunny Cartoons

MADISON, WI — Local man Brad Pulman admitted to friends that all the knowledge he has ever obtained about classical music he received by watching classic Bugs Bunny cartoons.

Democrats Vow To Keep Fighting Until Nobody In America Can Be Successful

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In the wake of Elon Musk officially becoming the world's first confirmed trillionaire, leaders of the Democratic Party pledged to never stop fighting as long as anyone in America is still allowed to be successful.

An Ouroboros Of Failure: Every Man In This Friend Group Has Been Used By Every Other Man In This Friend Group As An Example Of A Guy You ‘Don’t Want To End Up Like’

The ouroboros, an ancient symbol depicting a snake devouring its own tail, has been used by many cultures to represent the eternal cycle of destruction and rebirth. One modern illustration of such a cycle? Every man in this friend group has been used by every other man in this friend group as an example of a guy you “don’t want to end up like.” Ah yes. As the ouroboros perpetually eats its own tail to feed itself, so does this balding, pudgy, unaccomplished best friend group.  This ouroboros of shame started way back when these men first met in high school in the ‘90s. Ron, Kevin, Doug, Cris, Alan, Grady, and Samir were all interchangeably used as examples of “someone who actually has a problem” when it came to their binge drinking, and this helped make the remaining members of the group–who by all accounts were equally as drunk–not feel as bad about their own drinking.  This cycle continued as the men entered their twenties. Ron’s job at PetSmart, Kevin’s job at Wal-Mart, Doug’s job as a parking garage attendant, Cris’ job as a telemarketer, Alan’s job working for his dad’s swimming pool cleaning company, Grady’s job at Guitar Center, and Samir’s unemployment were all used by various members of the friend group as examples of “the worst job you could possibly have.”  Now in their 40s, the group continues to cyclically devour its own body to nourish itself. Countless aspects of every one of the men’s unremarkable, underperforming lives–be it their fitness levels, mental/physical health, drug habits, family issues, finances, living situations, physical appearances, hygiene, or decision making skills—are brought up regularly as illustrations of how much worse things could be for the rest of them. In the past three years alone, five of the seven men have used some variation of the statement, “My divorce was messy, but not as messy as [name]’s was,” while four of the men’s names have been brought up in the context of, “You know who has a gross bathroom?” by other men in the group who have similarly gross bathrooms. And as the shame is brought by the ouroboros it shall also be cleansed by the same.  Who knows where these men’s combined self-worth would be without six other equally degenerate, subpar men to act as the tail end of the ouroboros for them to feed on. The cycle of destruction and rebirth that has defined humanity for ages is on full display right here, in this unremarkable middle-aged male friend group in Akron, Ohio. 

Not Helping Their Reputation: All 12 Of The Fans The Dance Cam Just Showed On The Jumbotron At The Phillies Game Were Pissing Into Bottles

Philly sports fans have a reputation for being rough, and if you think this reputation is unearned, you should probably take a look at this: All 12 of the fans the dance cam just showed on the Jumbotron at the Phillies game were pissing into bottles.  Yep, that’s not going to help their rep one bit.  During a break in play during today’s home game against the Miami Marlins, the stadium’s cameraperson scanned the crowd for dancing fans to display on the Citizens Bank Park Jumbotron, but finding one who wasn’t actively pissing into something turned out to be an exercise in futility. A quick cut away from the first fan they’d found—a heavyset man cheering and dancing while blatantly urinating into a plastic Bud Lite bottle—only revealed yet another fan doing the same.  After cutting away from more fans pissing into bottles, cans, and even a souvenir baseball helmet, the cameraperson, in a desperate attempt to locate a fan not actively urinating into something, honed in on a woman nursing a baby. Upon closer inspection, however, it turned out she was using a popcorn bag which appeared to still be half-filled with popcorn as a makeshift toilet. The disturbing 100-foot-wide display of debauchery ended with a young boy peeing into the straw of his soda cup followed by an elderly man who was just pissing directly onto a row of fans below him while waving to the camera.  Ugh. Apparently this is not going to be the game that ends Philly sports fans’ standing as some of the most uncouth around.  Hopefully these Phillies fans will have gotten all of their piss out by the next time the dance cam makes the rounds, but based on the fact that the camera just caught the actor inside the Phillie Phanatic costume holding a souvenir foam bat up to his crotch to soak up his piss, that seems unlikely. We love you, Philly sports fans, but some of y’all could really use some lessons in dignity.

‘From The Gentleman Tipping His Hat To You In The Celebrity Row’: Steve Schirripa Keeps Sending White Wine To The Knicks Bench

The Knicks are the toast of New York right now, having reached the NBA finals for the first time in nearly three decades. To understand how much this team means to their fans, look no further than the A-list treatment they’re getting from their A-list supporters: Steve Schirripa keeps sending white wine to the Knicks bench.  What a class act, that Mr. Schirripa! This is how you show up for your team when a title’s on the line! Before the first quarter of Game 4 had ended, a concessions vendor had already delivered three rounds of white wine to the New York Knicks bench, courtesy of Knicks fanatic and Sopranos star Steve Schirripa. Knicks Coach Mike Brown was initially confused when a vendor brought two dozen cups of chardonnay to the Knicks players and coaching staff immediately after tip-off. Coach Brown tried explaining that the team had not ordered any white wine, but was quickly informed that the beverages were courtesy of “a great admirer of the team, that gentleman over there.” The vendor directed Coach Brown’s attention to the Celebrity Row, where Mr. Schirripa was tipping a flat-brimmed Knicks hat in the team’s direction. But Mr. Schirripa’s kind gestures didn’t end there, and haven’t ended yet. Several minutes later, the vendor returned with a second round of on-Schirripa chardonnay for the team, as well as a soft pretzel. By halftime, Mr. Schirripa had sent no fewer than seven rounds of white wine and tipped his hat as many times to the Knicks, just to show his appreciation for their hard work this season and encourage them to finish strong in the championships.  Most of the wine has gone unconsumed, and the floor around the team bench is now a walking hazard of full wine cups—at one point, the game was paused so floor sweepers could mop up several gallons of chardonnay after Knicks captain Jalen Brunson tripped on a cup, fell, knocked over all the other wine cups, and became soaked in white wine, forcing him to go to the locker room for a new uniform. But Mr. Schirripa’s message is loud and clear: If you’re a Knicks player and Steve Schirripa’s nearby, you’re never paying for white wine again!  How cool is that?! This Knicks team is getting the hero treatment in the Big Apple!  It just goes to show how a sports team can bring out the best in their city. Even if you’re a Spurs fan, you’ve gotta admire how much wine Steve Schirripa is buying for the Knicks, purely out of his love for the team. Win or lose, the Knicks will always know their chardonnay comes courtesy of amazing fans like Mr. Schirripa!

Taking Spirit’s Lead: United Airlines Is Ceasing Operations After Learning You Can Do That

Spirit Airlines’ announcement in early May that the company would be going out of business and liquidating all of its assets has sent shockwaves throughout the air travel industry, and one major airline has just made a move that shows that the collapse of Spirit is going to be reverberating for years to come: United Airlines is ceasing operations after learning you can do that. Well, it’s official: Spirit Airlines has started a major trend all across the airline industry! “We honestly had no idea it was even an option to stop being an airline until Spirit proved you could just quit whenever you want,” United Airlines leadership wrote in a message to shareholders released to the press this morning, in which they said they looked forward to a future of never having to worry about “the daily tsunami of tedious bullshit” that came with managing the corporation. “Now that we know we don’t have to stare down an eternity of flying herds of braindead morons around the country—a task for which are RARELY THANKED—we are simply going to not do it anymore. Simple as that.” It looks like Spirit Airlines kicked open a door and United Airlines is courageously walking through it! In a series of Instagram posts on United Airlines official Instagram page, the company further clarified their decision. “We thought we would go to jail if we stopped doing airplane stuff, even though we hated it,” read one post which had been captioned “Free At Last.” “The thought leaders and innovators at Spirit Airlines have shown us we can walk a new path of peace and salvation by simply cancelling all our flights, selling all our planes, and just hanging out with our families or whatever.” Representatives at United were very clear that one of the reasons they hated being an airline was dealing with customers, whom they described in ways that advertising experts and marketing gurus have characterized as “dehumanizing,” “aggressive,” and “innovative.”  “Every day we cram an ocean of dumb, ugly people onto our filthy planes and shoot them into the sky,” said another social media statement which had been captioned “WE OWE YOU NOTHING.” “And when one of these planes crashed or got hijacked we never heard the fucking end of it. Just constant complaints from people who crammed their fat faces with our free Sun Chips and still had the gall to tell us we weren’t pampering them enough. We will not miss you.” United’s decision to follow in Spirit’s footsteps and stop being an airline has caused significant chaos both internationally and domestically. They have announced that all United Airlines flights will be cancelled. When an Instagram user commented on a United post asking what they should do if the cancellations left them stranded in a foreign country, United responded, “anyone affected can contact our nonexistent department of nonexistent fucks, because we don’t do airplanes anymore.” They then deleted their Instagram account Absolutely seismic. It’s completely undeniable that Spirit Airlines has changed the country, and possibly altered the course of world history. If United Airlines is any indication, many more air travel companies across the country will soon realize they don’t have to keep enduring the suffering that comes with being an airline and will just stop entirely. Delta, JetBlue, and American Airlines are definitely paying attention, and we can’t wait to see what they do next!

Grandpa’s 4 Least Successful Attempts At Becoming An Influencer

As we all know, Grandpa has long dreamed of becoming an influencer and has been trying for years to make it happen. He’s never really come close, but some of his attempts have been worse than others. Here are Grandpa’s four least successful attempts at becoming an influencer. 1. The Time Grandpa Tried To Make A YouTube Channel Dedicated To Raising The Dead One of Grandpa’s biggest influencer misfires was when he started a channel called Conquering Death With Grandpa Sal, a YouTube channel where he tried to raise the dead. There were endless problems with this channel right from the get-go. First of all, Grandpa thought the way to raise the dead was by clipping alligator clamps for jumpstarting cars onto the corpses’ hands and then starting his car. This didn’t bring the corpses back to life, but it did make them jiggle around and catch on fire. Grandpa’s catchphrase for the channel was, “If they move at all, then they’re back from the dead,” which did not end up catching on even though he ended every video with it. Worst of all, Grandpa got the corpses for this channel by digging them up from the local cemetery, which was extremely illegal. The channel received 1400 views in total over 600 videos, and he got arrested three times before he finally gave up. 2. The Time Grandpa Made People Fight To The Death To Win A Car That Wasn’t His To Give Away Grandpa got really into Mr. Beast during the pandemic, and he was particularly inspired by the crazy contests Mr. Beast would do where contestants would compete for amazing prizes like Lamborghinis and mansions. In an attempt to jump-start his own influencer career, Grandpa started a YouTube channel which, in an attempt to game Google algorithms for people searching for the real Mr. Beast, he called “Mr. Old Grandfather Beast The Animal Mr. Contest.” In his first video, he made two strangers fight to the death and told them that the last man standing would win a Volkswagen Beetle.  The two men fought each other and one killed the other. Then Grandpa knocked on the door of the house where the Volkswagen was parked. A woman answered the door and Grandpa said, “Hello, I’m Mr. Contest, the Beast’s Animal Grandfather. This man just murdered someone and he won your car. Give it to him, please.” The woman looked at the contest winner, covered in blood and standing over the mangled corpse of the man he’d just killed. Then she said, “No, I need my car,” and closed the door. Grandpa shuttered the YouTube channel the next day. 3. The Time Grandpa Tried To Complete A 48-Hour Long Mukbang Marathon Livestream Grandpa knew that the mukbang videos where people ate on camera were incredibly popular. He also knew that marathon livestreams were incredibly popular. He decided that if combined these two influencer trends, it would be a guaranteed path to fame and fortune. So Grandpa made a livestream video where he ate food on camera for 48 hours straight. He opened a donation tab and said that the money would go toward “helping the angry.” Unfortunately, the only food that Grandpa had on the stream were ingredients for tuna sandwiches.  After about 12 hours of eating tuna sandwich after tuna sandwich, Grandpa started to feel sick, but he had to keep going. Thousands of sandwiches later, Grandpa still had over 20 hours of eating left to do, and he had only raised $9 for the angry. He started begging the 20 viewers on his stream to let him stop, but they all commented, “No.” So he had to keep going. At hour 41, with just seven hours left to go, Grandpa fell face first into a pile of tuna sandwiches and slipped into a coma. The comments on the stream kept saying things like, “Eat more,” and “Coward, you are not done.” The stream continued for another seven hours until Grandma finally came into Grandpa’s office, turned off the webcam and called an ambulance. She told the ambulance to “drive here slowly.” Grandpa eventually made a full recovery. 4. The Time Grandpa Tried To Do Parkour And Disappeared Into The Sky Grandpa made a YouTube channel called “Royal Parkour Of Grandpa.” In his first video, he ran toward a wall and jumped. He kept going up and up and up into the sky and never came down.

Graham Platner insists tattoo of Hitler choking naked woman is being misunderstood

ELLSWORTH, Maine — Former Marine Graham Platner’s struggling Senate campaign suffered another setback this week after a former girlfriend alleged he had a tattoo depicting Adolf Hitler choking a naked woman across most of his back. In a recorded statement released Monday, Platner, flanked by his wife, said he was shocked by the accusation. “I picked that tattoo because it looked like abstract art,” Platner said. “I had no idea it depicted anything specific. It looked like the kind of abstract expressionism loved by Marines and salt-of-the-earth Americans everywhere.” Platner added that, now aware of the concerns, he intended to modify the artwork. “I’m going to have it changed so it’s just a generic man choking a woman,” he said. “That way nobody can read politics into it.” Another former girlfriend, who he dated while filming the recorded statement, insisted Platner’s denial was disingenuous. “He called it his ‘Little Führer,’” she said. “He even did the accent marks with his fingers.” The woman, who requested anonymity, said Platner also used the nickname for his penis. Campaign officials dismissed the allegation. “Most Marines struggle with English, let alone German,” a spokesman said. That explanation appeared viable until another former girlfriend, whom Platner dated while waiting in line at a Green Beans Coffee in Iraq’s Al Anbar Province, provided photographs of the tattoo. Beneath the image appeared a German inscription reading, "Mein Name ist Graham Platner. Das Tattoo ist eine Metapher dafür, wie ich über Frauen denke. Und auch über Juden." The inscription translates to:... Paid subscriber dispatch The rest of this article is for paid members You’ve made it this far. Might as well finish the briefing. Continue reading → Also included with membership: Every Duffel Blog story The complete archive Exclusive newsletters and features The satisfaction of funding the only news outlet that has never once lied to you about anything

Opinion: Should I water my veteran?

The following is an opinion piece by former Army Sgt. 1st Class and current HR specialist Bradley Mercer.As a former service member who now works in human resources for a large technology company, I have recently been confronted with an unexpected workplace management question.Managers keep asking me the same thing:“Should I water my veteran?”The short answer is: it depends.Like most things in the military, the answer is METT-TC dependent. The veteran, the environment, the mission, and the general vibe of the office must all be considered before making any hydration decisions.Not all veterans require the same level of watering.The first category is the Normal Human Veteran.This veteran has fully transitioned to civilian life and will take immediate offense if you attempt to water them.They mention military service only when writing in their journal, obtaining a discount at Lowe’s, or discussing VA disability claims with a level of precision normally reserved for danger-close mortar missions.They never wear the hats.They never tell stories.If you bring up the military, they will sigh and immediately redirect the conversation toward mortgage rates, Excel formulas, or mulch pricing.Do not water this veteran.They will interpret it as an attempt to establish dominance and spend the next five years quietly planning their departure from your organization.The second category is the Oxygen Thief Veteran.This individual spent most of their military career being reminded to perform basic biological functions.Drink water.Change socks.Stand up straight.Stop doing that.Because of this conditioning, they expect management to tell them when to hydrate.If no guidance is provided, they will sit quietly at their desk dehydrating while waiting for instructions.This is the only veteran category where proactive watering is recommended.The third category is the Smelly Veteran.

Hegseth says half-assed daily PT has solved military's most pressing problems

ARLINGTON, Va. — Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth told lawmakers this week that an hour of daily physical training has successfully addressed many of the military's longstanding challenges, including procurement failures, maintenance backlogs, sexual assault, and cost overruns.“We had issues with broken equipment, expensive acquisition programs, sexual misconduct, and contractors charging billions of dollars for products that don't work,” Hegseth told Congress. “But now that everyone is mildly out of breath before work, things are heading in the right direction.”Hegseth pointed to the Navy as an early success story.“The Navy was our least physically fit service,” he said. “Their sailors were working 12-hour days, six days a week, just to keep aging equipment operational. I'm proud to report they're now working 13-hour days and accomplishing slightly less.”At Naval Base San Diego, sailors demonstrated the new routine.The workout began with a 10-minute muster, followed by a 15-minute warmup, a water break, 10 minutes of light calisthenics, another water break, a five-minute jog, and a cooldown period.“It’s good to get out here and get our sweat on,” said Chief Albert Jones.Asked whether he would be participating, Jones explained he had actual work to do.No chief petty officers or officers above the rank of E-7 were observed during the session.Junior sailors expressed less enthusiasm.“Total bullshit,” one sailor said.“Retarded,” said another.“I’m onboard until 1900 every night and now we're pretending this is the problem?” asked a third.Hegseth dismissed criticism of the initiative.“I ordered daily PT, and shortly afterward we captured Maduro,” he said. “You think that's a coincidence?”At press time, the secretary was reportedly urging the Joint Chiefs to develop a comprehensive fitness plan for Greenland.🖊️Red Friday wants you to Remember EVERYONE Deployed

Entire platoon killed by missile while conducting accountability formation after previous missile

AL-TANF GARRISON, Syria — An entire Army platoon was reportedly killed after assembling for an accountability formation immediately following an incoming missile attack, according to leaked details from the opening days of hostilities with Iran.Sources familiar with the incident said company leadership ordered platoons to “ensure no casualties were taken” following the initial barrage.“The CO just wanted a situation report,” said one soldier from another platoon. “The lieutenant suggested checking bunkers by radio or sending runners, but platoon daddy apparently wasn’t having any of that.”According to multiple soldiers, the decision to hold a formation followed a brief leadership discussion regarding the difference between the words “ensure” and “assure.”Despite the lieutenant’s objections, the platoon sergeant reportedly insisted there was only “one Army way” to conduct accountability.

Admiral struggles to find day for change of command that ruins most sailors' plans

NORFOLK, Va. — Retiring Rear Adm. Glenn Marlowe is reportedly concerned that his mandatory all-hands change of command ceremony may not ruin enough sailors’ lives, sources confirmed this week.“We have a lot to consider,” Marlowe said. “We have eval season, COOP plans, shipyard availabilities, and maintenance periods that could affect national security for the next two years. But how do I schedule my change of command ceremony for Maximum Bummer Effect so I can interrupt all of them at once?”Marlowe said his first instinct was to pick a date “right in the middle of everything,” but recent developments have complicated the planning process.“I just found out a boat is returning from a nine-month deployment,” he said. “So now the question is whether I can drag those amine-soaked bastards into it too.”Maximum Bummer Effect, or MBE, is a Navy planning concept used to determine how much inconvenience senior leaders can impose on personnel while still describing the event as “mandatory fun.”“It’s an inverse square of sorts,” said retired Capt. Harold Kinsey, a former surface warfare officer and longtime advocate of uncomfortable folding chairs. “There are three major variables in a sailor’s life: work, leave, and sleep. We can’t always control sleep without legal review, but work and leave are absolutely fair game.”Kinsey said leaders can achieve MBE by disrupting maintenance that has been planned with a shipyard for five months, denying leave that has been on the calendar since the previous fiscal year, or forcing newly returned sailors to stand in formation while their families wait nearby “with increasingly visible hatred.”“With advancements in AI and machine learning, we can now model bummer conditions with far greater precision,” Kinsey said. “The latest prototype, BYG-D1K, allows commanders to identify the exact moment when a ceremony will cause the greatest operational and emotional damage.”Marlowe said the prototype has already produced results.“It’s going great,” he said. “Thanks to BYG-D1K, I only had to shift the ceremony two days to the right. Now it lines up perfectly with the boat coming back from deployment, and I think their duty sections may have to go port and starboard for a week to compensate.”Navy officials said the model is still in testing but has shown promise across several commands, especially when paired with late-stage uniform inspections, parking restrictions, and unexplained requirements to arrive three hours early.At press time, Marlowe said he was considering moving the ceremony indoors after learning the weather would otherwise be “pleasant and tolerable.”🖊️Phil Cable is a former sub radioman. Yes, he reads your emails, even that one with the thing.

Livramento drops out of England squad on discovering it is not compulsory

Labyrinth, and other kids’ movies adults wang on about

LABYRINTH has hit 40, while the knobheads who endlessly quote it turned 40 quite some years ago. It, and these children’s films, are apparently impossible to get over:  Shrek (2001) Not that funny, because you forget long bits like Robin Hood and the Matrix parody, and kicked off a whole ‘what if fairytales, but irreverently adult’ movement which is still reverberating around culture today. Yes, it made you feel smirkingly sophisticated when you were ten. You’re not ten now and you’re not sophisticated either. Labyrinth (1986)  Had David Bowie in, far from the worst of his mid-80s career choices, but that doesn’t make it a good film. It’s got simultaneously too many and not enough Muppets in for that. And there should be signs above every student bar saying ‘The management reserves the right to eject anyone quoting the “you remind me of the babe” bit from Labyrinth’. Toy Story 3 (2010)  Yes, yes, it made the metaphor of children abandoning toys equating to children moving on from their parents unignorable. Yes, you cried when you watched it. You cry when you smash your head on a cupboard door, but that doesn’t make it an endlessly repeatable experience others need to hear about. Anyway the toys are fine, they’ve been in shit sequels. The Dark Crystal (1982)  Even Dark Crystal fans don’t like The Dark Crystal, not really. Otherwise when Netflix announced a multi-million dollar prequel series with an all-star cast back in 2019, they would have watched it. Instead they checked out an episode, silently admitted the puppets were stupid and the Skeksis voices irritating, switched off and it was cancelled. My Neighbour Totoro (1988)  The jumping-on point for a generation of weeaboos, it’s a lovely film with sumptuous animation but not a lot really happens, does it? Totoro is an occasional presence, the bit with the cat bus provides as much action as in The Snowman in a film three times the length, and it’s mainly about an ill mum. Not everybody you meet needs to watch this. Bambi (1942)  Traumatised a generation, apparently, though given it was the Boomers it’s odd they weren’t already traumatised by Dad coming home from Normandy shy a limb. Still fetishised today by the visually illiterate including Molly-Mae Hague, who named her daughter after it. Does she know what happens to Bambi’s mother? Don’t tell her.

Entering text on telly still as primitive as in 1980s

NONE of the advances in technology of the last half-century have made it any easier to enter text via a remote control.  A technological black hole means anyone attempting to search for a film or TV show has to enter it letter-by-letter as if they were putting their initials by a Space Invaders high score in 1980. Jim Bates of Congleton said: “I tell speakers to play music and they do so. I type a destination into my car and it shows me how to get there. But on my TV? “There’s no slick user interface. To find a movie on Netflix I have to mash down flimsy rubber buttons while it brightly suggests movies that are not what I want or close to it. All the others are the same. “Even on the PlayStation, a controller with at least 30 different inputs demands I do it one letter at a time. Why does all pretence of being user-friendly stop at the telly? Why has it remained in the Ceefax era? “Every site online’s always checking I’m not a sophisticated bot buying tickets or logging into my bank account. They should get these f**king bots working on the telly. Then maybe I could watch Insidious 5 without first having to look up how to spell it.” Technology expert Jack Brown said: “Now most of our technological agency is given over to machines it’s important to have such instances of human independence, even though typing in Doctor Strange in the Multiverse of Madness gave me an embolism.”

WAGS alone and horny in Miami, Britain notified

THE UK’s lotharios have been notified that the England squad’s wives and girlfriends are hot and undefended 1,250 miles from the team’s base.  While the team train in Kansas in preparation for their first match in Dallas tomorrow, their partners languish without male attention in a city known for its beaches, nightlife and opportunities for seduction. Straight player Julian Cook said: “My, my. Is that Saka’s attractive fiancée Tolami Benson left unattended? And in a bikini, too. Well I feel I should step in. “It is only natural, I plan to explain, that such beautiful ladies should feel neglected when their menfolk prefer each other’s company. I shall offer my services as chaperone around Miami. And the Keys, should we hire a yacht. “I mean no trouble. Ashlyn Castro deserves to know that kicking a ball around is more important to Jude Bellingham than being with her in this, the 28th summer of her flowering womanhood. Any conclusions she draws from that, and my suave presence, are her own.” Oliver O’Connor, who wears his silk shirts unbuttoned to the navel, said: “My flight is booked. As are, coincidentally, the flights of those WAGs yet to join their husbands who have been left alone with the children. I wonder if we shall be seated together? “I do hope the boys score in Dallas, in Boston and in New Jersey. I’d like to see them go all the way. That would dovetail with certain plans of my own.”

Cat Deeley, Amanda Holden and other celebrities your mum inexplicably despises

SHE doesn’t know why she hates them, but she does. These celebrities are subject to decades-long maternal vendettas beyond any understanding:  Anneka Rice Had a career in the 80s by being dropped from helicopters, described as ‘being a professional show-off’. Wore an unnecessary jumpsuit over her ‘big arse’ even though ‘everyone’s got one of those, love’. Is still coasting on its fame 40 years later, and your mother now holds her in contempt for that as well. Cat Deeley Your mum doesn’t know why Deeley and Patrick Kielty split, but she’s firmly on his side. ‘God know what he saw in that conniving cow,’ she says, a judgement seemingly based on a single 2002 TV appearance where she ‘seemed a bit too cheerful’, interpreted as evidence of deeper moral ambiguity. She will, apparently, get her comeuppance. Amanda Holden Cheated on poor Les Dennis, who was ever so lovely on Family Fortunes, and is thus beyond redemption. Nobody had heard of her before ‘she got her claws into Les’. Cosmetic treatments are noted with quiet fury, as is her right to sit in judgment on others on Britain’s Got Talent because she has none, ‘other than gold-digging.’ Tess Daley A bit harder to hate now she and Vernon have split and she’s unemployed, but your mum remains committed. Will frequently and unprompted bring up grievances such as ‘I never liked the way she stood there with that fixed smile while they were waiting for scores,’ and, despite there being no direct evidence for this, ‘fancying herself rotten.’ Judith Chalmers Dead now, but that doesn’t grant forgiveness. That ‘mahogany cow’, as Chalmers is still referred to with surprising consistency, was allowed to go on ‘all those bloody holidays’ while the rest of the country was left with only Butlin’s Skegness. It is authoritatively claimed that she got so fat ‘they had to film her standing behind rocks’. Anthea Turner Admittedly hasn’t been on telly forever, which your Mum attributes to her letter-writing campaign, but remains unforgiven for going with Grant Bovey and eating a Flake on her wedding day. Most have forgotten. Not your mother, who mutters that ‘a woman who’ll do that in a wedding dress would sell her own grandmother’. Nigella Lawson ‘She’s not even a trained chef’ she bellows as Nigella pouts, all twinkly lights and pancetta. ‘Why is she in her dressing gown in front of a camera? And you know that’s not really her house.’ Her use of luxury ingredients causes particular offence. ‘Your dad loves her,’ it has been claimed for 30 years, in the face of his total lack of interest.

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