JERUSALEM—Historians confirmed Friday that a recent archaeological find in the Judean Hills is an authentic early Christian scroll, one that depicts the previously unknown miracle of Jesus Christ correctly guessing people’s weights just by looking at them. “The papyrus is remarkably well-preserved, with an unbroken Aramaic script that describes Christ strolling through Galilee with a serene smile, calling out, ‘Come forth, all ye people, but for a single coin of silver,’ before closing His eyes and naming a weight that was always accurate within a few shekels,” said biblical scholar Harris Solomon, noting that the scroll depicts a clay jar of small prizes kept beside Christ at all times to be handed out to anyone whose weight He guessed wrong, something that, according to the text, never occurred. “This scroll completely upends our traditional image of Jesus, as the text describes Him not in simple robes and a beard but in a pinstripe tunic with a waxed mustache. Yet Christ’s generosity is still evident, as one passage recounts Him performing His miracle for an emaciated leper free of charge. The verse reads, ‘And lo, He lifted His hand and spake: The leper’s weight is one talent, 19 minas, and 13 shekels. And they were sore amazed, for it was true unto the very last measure.’” The newly unearthed scroll also reveals that in quieter moments, Christ would cover Himself in silver dust and stand motionless on a box on the side of a busy Nazareth street, miraculously transforming Himself into a statue for hours on end.

The post Ancient Scroll Reveals Lost Miracle Of Christ Correctly Guessing People’s Weights appeared first on The Onion.

EAST HAMPTON, NY—In an effort to maintain a safe and respectful environment on set, Food Network host Ina Garten reportedly brought in an intimacy coordinator Friday to supervise a shot with a fresh lemon tart. “Where should I put my hands?” said the 78-year-old Garten, who emphasized the importance of keeping everything professional with carefully staged choreography between herself and the shortbread pastry. “Okay, I’ll stay on this side of the parchment paper, and it can stay on that side. And can we do a few rehearsals so we can both get used to exactly what I’m doing with my mouth? I want it so I can really be in the moment when we start rolling. I apologize in advance if my moans are too loud.” At press time, sources reported that Garten had called for a closed set in order to film a scene with a juicy spatchcocked chicken.

The post Ina Garten Brings In Intimacy Coordinator For Shot With Fresh Lemon Tart  appeared first on The Onion.

Immigration and Customs Enforcement agents have been deployed to 14 airports across the country amid record-high TSA wait times. Here are all the ways ICE officers are assisting the Transportation Security Administration.

Overseeing the removal of shoes, belts, and abuelas

Scanning passports with shredders

Confiscating, then brandishing dangerous items

Translating TSA’s irritated mumbles into threatening grunts

Assuming all milling-around duties

Culling weaker travelers when lines get too long

Commiserating about failing the police academy

Drinking any shampoo that exceeds the carry-on volume limit

Bragging to TSA about how nice it is to be getting paid

Simplifying the customs interview to one question about skull size

The post How ICE Is Assisting TSA appeared first on The Onion.

The post Trump Boys Help Bring Down Energy Prices With Homemade Perpetual Motion Machine appeared first on The Onion.

The post New Epstein Estate Photo Shows Trump Waterskiing In Pyramid Formation With Underage Girls appeared first on The Onion.

WORLD — The world's leading theologians weighed in on the nature of Heaven this week, confirming what many have long believed: Heaven's streets of gold will have no cyclists.

CLEVELAND, OH — The Bible finally received a much-needed modern update called the Morally Gray Edition, which removes all outdated black-and-white morality that was found in prior editions.

BETHESDA, MD — A leading group of child psychologists suggested screen time is now considered "OK" for toddlers as long as you are showing them the hit 2003 naval adventure film, Master and Commander: The Far Side of the World.

LOS ANGELES, CA — In a special joint announcement with legendary filmmaker Francis Ford Coppola, late-night talk show host Jimmy Kimmel revealed that he will be writing the screenplay for a new sequel to Paramount Pictures' The Godfather.

LAUSANNE — In a landmark statement intended to simultaneously clarify lingering questions regarding trans athletes in events and prevent any potential confusion in the future, the International Olympic Committee announced that it was banning all balls from being used in women's sports.

This is fantastic news: Trader Joe’s just raised their parking lot speed limit to 70 mph! No longer will we have to limit ourselves to cruising their parking lots at barely 50—we can finally go as fast as we need to. This just made grocery shopping 100x better!

If you are a man, get ready to stand up and cheer, because one of the most important clothing stores in the world just announced a game-changing new policy that’s going to make your life more incredible than ever before: Men’s Wearhouse will now let you have your suit fitted while under anesthesia!

Fuck. Yes. Looks like men finally have something to celebrate!

For generations, men have had to suffer through endless suit fittings while fully conscious, experiencing every excruciating second as a tailor dragged tape measures all over their thighs and shoulders. That living nightmare is about to become a thing of the past, however, because starting today, Men’s Wearhouse is now offering their customers an IV drip of general anesthesia that will keep them in a drug-induced state of total unconsciousness while their team of expert tailors measures their dimensions to fit them for their world-class suits. 

There’s literally never been a better time to be a man!

“For generations, Men’s Wearhouses across the country were filled with the sounds of men shrieking in agony as they were poked and prodded with invasive measuring tools and excruciating chalks, but no longer,” said Men’s Wearhouse CEO Peter Sachse, who said he made the decision to provide anesthesia to shoppers after witnessing a man begging for death while getting fitted for a Kenneth Cole Chillflex suit last year. “From here on out, you’ll walk into a Men’s Wearhouse, enter a medically-induced state of oblivion, and wake up to a perfectly fitted suit. We don’t live in Medieval times anymore, and this was long overdue.”

If you hear the sound of millions of people applauding outside your window right now, it’s probably all the men in America celebrating this major W, one that’s been long overdue and is one of the biggest steps toward living in a perfect society that has ever been taken. We can’t wait to head down to the nearest Men’s Wearhouse and slip into painless oblivion while we get fitted for our next formal occasion. Other clothing companies, take note: this is how you’re supposed to treat men!

Hello, everyone. Jeffrey Epstein here. You’ve probably heard about my emails. I was recently hacked by the Department of Justice, who published my entire inbox for the public to ogle (DOJ? More like TMZ…). Welp. 

I cannot stop you from gossiping over my private correspondences and making your own presumptions about who I am and what I stand for. But I can speak for myself — and as an independent thinker, who’s never been afraid to go against the grain of popular consensus, ‘speaking for myself’ usually means expressing views that are guaranteed to polarize. “Wait, how can Mr. Epstein speak for himself if he died in 2019?” you must be wondering. Well, boy oh boy, have I come to ClickHole.com with some news for you:

I, Jeffrey Epstein, am not only alive, but I also have a subway take that is going to piss off a lot of people. 

If Subway Takes existed before I went to jail or faked my own death in jail, let me assure you: I, Jeffrey Epstein would’ve been on it, and my hot take would’ve broken the Internet. My subway take is so scorching hot that it would’ve gotten me murdered in jail for real. But alas. Kareem Rahma’s subway program only began long, long after I could be a guest on it without raising questions. So, unfortunately, I’ve never had an opportunity to share my scorched earth hot take…until now. Because I no longer give a damn if the world knows I’m alive after all, and the world will soon be too preoccupied with the discourse my subway take starts to give a damn that I’m actually alive anyway.

Are you ready to hear the late Jeffrey Epstein’s subway take? You may think you are, but you’re really, really not. 

First, allow me to set the scene, so you can experience my subway take as you would if Kareem Rahma invited me, Jeffrey Epstein, who is currently alive and well (correct), on his Internet talk show program. Close your eyes: Imagine Kareem Rahma and me sitting on the L train. It’s rush hour. The train is very, very crowded. Everyone is staring at me, wondering if their eyes are deceiving them. I return their stares with a wink. Mr. Rahma raises his MetroCard microphone to his lips. He looks me, Jeffrey Epstein, in the eyes, and asks, “So, what’s your take?” I raise my MetroCard microphone to my lips. I smirk. And then, I deliver the subway take to end all subway takes:

“I love destination weddings. Love ‘em. I don’t care how much the travel costs, or how much time I have to take off of work. I’m going. Give me a reason to travel and see new places! Like, your wedding’s in a beautiful foreign country? Great! I’ve probably never been! I literally had no good reason to go, and now I have an incredible one! I might even stay a whole week after the wedding to explore! And if I have friends or family that were invited too, we get to spend time together in a wonderful, exotic place? Even better. How often do you have an excuse to do that? What a gift. What a special gift. People who whine about destination weddings are the same people who whine about going to weddings in general, and those people are boring, miserable, they have no sense of romance, and they’re honestly a waste of a wedding invite. Dang, you have to rent a beautiful suit or dress to celebrate someone you love on the best day of their life? Poor you. That’s money you could be spending on important stuff, like…DoorDash? Netflix? Amazon crap? Get over yourself, cheap-o! It’s love, baby: lean in and live a little! This is what life’s all about!”

Kareem Rahma immediately nods and says he agrees with me, Jeffrey Epstein.

Well, there you have it. I, Jeffrey Epstein, am alive, and everyone’s mad at me all over again because no one can handle an actual hot take. Hey, you can call me out of touch or over-privileged, but you can’t say that I’m afraid to speak my mind or that I’m dead. What can I say? I’m just a hyper-opinionated Jewish-American Prince from Brooklyn who is very much alive, contrary to popular belief. You’re welcome for all the engagement I just scored you, Subway Takes!

Several times in NASA’s history, the organization has attempted to put a urinal on the moon. Sadly, these missions have not all been successful. In fact, many have ended in complete disaster for everyone involved. However, sometimes they have also managed to pull it off. It’s a mixed bag for the folks at NASA. Here are six NASA missions to put a urinal on the moon that ended in disaster and two that ended in success.

1. Mission Name: Cloacina 1

Mission Date: July 29, 1958

Mission Status: Failure

On the first day that NASA began operating, aerospace engineers from the organization gathered at Cape Canaveral to launch Cloacina 1, a mission named after the Roman goddess of sewers. The goal of the mission was to put a urinal on the moon in order to “figure out if the moon likes when that happens.” No rockets had been built yet, so NASA engineers paid a local body builder to throw the urinal as high as he could into the sky and hope that it landed on the moon. Unfortunately, the bodybuilder was only able to throw the urinal about a mile into the sky before it fell back down to Earth and crushed the smartest scientist in the world, whose name nobody remembers. The loss of the very smart scientist set the space program back years.

2. Mission Name: Cloacina 2

Mission Date: July 30, 1958

Mission Status: Failure

Showcasing the organization’s trademark resilience and perseverance in the face of tragedy, NASA engineers reconvened at Cape Canaveral the very next day to launch the Cloacina 2 mission. While this mission employed much of the same basic technology as the failed Cloacina 1 mission front he previous day, including the bodybuilder, NASA engineers also attempted to increase the likelihood of success by taping a balloon and a gun to the urinal, and also painting a bright red racing stripe on it. Despite these modifications to the urinal, however, the bodybuilder was only able to hurl it into the lower mesosphere before it plummeted back to Earth, flattening both the newly appointed smartest scientist in the world along with the most handsome man in the United States. Following the failure of Cloacina 2, the bodybuilder was sentenced to 30 years in prison for being so bad at space travel.

3. Mission Name: Zeus Of Piss 2

Mission Date: April 19, 1965

Mission Status: Failure

The first Zeus Of Piss mission, Zeus Of Piss 1, involved astronauts looking at a picture of the moon while taking a piss on Earth. Zeus Of Piss 1 was a resounding success, and NASA proved that it was possible for humans to think about the moon while taking a piss on Earth without suffering any negative physical consequences outside of a minor nosebleed. The next year, NASA attempted Zeus Of Piss 2, a mission designed to learn if it was possible for humans to think about the Earth while taking a piss on the moon. In order to do this, they needed to get a urinal onto the moon. Unfortunately, the unmanned spacecraft carrying the urinal that NASA launched into space never made it to the moon because NASA had made the mistake, common in the early days of space travel, of simply pointing the rocket in the general direction of the moon in the night sky and firing it straight into the air. It wasn’t until the Zeus Of Piss 2 spacecraft flew past the moon, missing it by over 450,000 miles, that NASA realized that this “point and launch” method of space travel was ineffective.

4. Mission Name: Apollo 11

Mission Date: July 16, 1969

Mission Status: Success

In 1969, NASA finally achieved its dream of putting a urinal on the moon. Astronauts Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin successfully landed on the moon and installed a fully functioning urinal. As Armstrong took the first human piss on the lunar surface in history, he famously said, “That’s one big foot of my own, and everyone’s jumping up and down.” Those immortal words will forever be associated with the first time a man took a piss on the moon. Michael Collins was there too, unfortunately.

5. Mission Name: Apollo 13

Mission Date: April 11, 1970

Mission Status: Failure

The astronauts got halfway to the moon, but then had to turn around because they forgot to not have their spaceship explode. Upon returning to Earth, the astronauts involved were sent to jail.

6. Mission Name: Cloacina 3

Mission Date: November 16, 1981

Mission Status: Failure

In 1981, NASA revived the controversial Cloacina program with the intent of putting another urinal on the moon. While critics pointed out that there was already a perfectly good urinal on the moon, NASA officials argued that there needed to be two urinals on the moon so that astronauts could hold hands while pissing in space. At the time, they believed that two astronauts holding hands while pissing on the moon at the same time would help humans learn more about quantum mechanics. Massive technological advancements allowed NASA to use a much taller bodybuilder with much longer hair to throw the urinal up into the sky. Unfortunately, due to a computational error, the bodybuilder ended up throwing the urinal horizontally through the air instead of straight up into the sky and into outer space. The urinal collided with a nearby car and the resulting explosion killed 45 astronauts.

7. Mission Name: Zeus Of Piss 3

Mission Date: August 19, 1994

Mission Status: Failure

Zeus Of Piss 3 aimed to utilize advancements in space shuttle technology to safely transport a new urinal onto the surface of the moon. Unfortunately, a navigation error resulted in the crew of the shuttle accidentally landing on Mars. Although the crew was able to install the urinal on the surface of the red planet and establish a thriving civilization there which now consists of about 650,000 men, women, and children, NASA considers Zeus Of Piss 3 to be one of its most humiliating setbacks.

8. Mission Name: Cloacina 4

Mission Date: February 9, 2009

Mission Status: Success

The technological breakthroughs of the digital age enabled NASA to recruit a bodybuilder whose hair was so long that it went all the way to the floor. Due to this crucial engineering innovation, the bodybuilder was able to throw the toilet all the way to the moon. Sadly, when the urinal crashed into the lunar surface, it crushed a man, but fortunately, it was some boring guy who wasn’t even good at guitar. The bodybuilder was given a $50 gift card to Apple Music as a reward for his heroic role in the mission, and NASA was able to finally achieve their decades-long dream of having two urinals on the moon. NASA is currently developing the Artemis missions to send astronauts back to the lunar surface to piss in these urinals, and then once they do that they will be done with space forever.

If you’ve always dreaded being on jury duty because you were worried your judge wouldn’t be able to easily remove your tampon for you from his bench, you’re in luck: Tampax has introduced a tampon with a string long enough for them to do just that! 

Did somebody say GAME CHANGER?!

Tampax’s new Jury Duty line solves a problem that has plagued women since they were universally allowed to sit on juries in 1973: that way-too-short string that makes it practically impossible for the judge to tug your tampon out from all the way up at the bench. Tampax’s new Jury Duty tamps come in 40-foot, 70-foot, and 130-foot string options to choose from depending on the size of your courtroom, each with plenty of slack for the judge to really wrap that puppy around their hand and give that bad boy a yank and send it on its way. 

And they aren’t just for judges either! These strings are long enough that the bailiff, the stenographer, or even the defendant can take your tampon out for you so you can continue to focus on providing a fair trial.

Yep. All it’s going to take to get your tampon removed now during jury duty is a knowing nod and a clear path between you and the judge. This is so, so nice. 

This is one of those products that, when it comes out, you’re shocked that no one thought of it before. There’s almost no reason to buy standard, run-of-the-mill tampons anymore. Sign us up for a Costco bulk box of the 130-foot string version, please!

HEAVEN — God is unable to keep boots off the ground in Iran because He is currently overwhelmed with prayers to rig March Madness at the faithful’s request, heavenly sources confirmed today.

“The brackets are eating up every bit of bandwidth,” said Saint Joan of Arc (HGS S-3), a longtime Notre Dame fan. “Sure, the Chief hears every plea to stop regional entanglements. But any prayer regarding the Strait of Hormuz is on hold until Father Almighty deals with the thousands of outcries for a buzzer-beating three-pointer.”

According to heavenly officials, NCAA basketball creates a massive surge in prayer volume every spring that drowns out those beseeching peace for all mankind. Such “bracket bottlenecks” curtail divine intervention as the maker of heaven and earth prioritizes point spreads over regional stability in the Middle East.

“HEAVRNET is at 99% capacity,” Saint Gabriel (HGS S-6) said while untangling a mess of fiber-optic incense. “I tried rebooting the Burning Bush, but it can’t compete with all these Syracuse fans bargaining their prayers. And we can’t process Iran peace negotiations while the Big Guy is prioritizing a 12-seed upset.”

Compounding the crisis, a data spike from Chestnut Hill has overwhelmed prayer servers.

“Boston College fans flood the queue every year praying for a wildcard,” Joan groaned while swiping through a backlog of Jesuit-coded emails. “Their womp-womp creates a total deadlock in the S-3 shop. It’s blocking every chaplain’s plea to spare the next school from a strike package.”

“Boston alumni scream like they’re all burning at the stake,” Joan added. “But Gabriel says the Big Guy won’t delete their requests. The Eagles stay in the queue while kids wearing maghnaehs stay in the crosshairs.”

Administrative hurdles have only complicated the crisis.

“I just kicked back a bracket petition for missing a HAC-card signature,” Saint Peter (HGS S-1) said while pointing to a mountain of unfiled parchment. “Everybody wants a miracle rebound but nobody wants to use the correct routing header.”

Peter added that “Vir Macho” continues citing Matthew 21:22 to justify honoring nearly every sports-related prayer submitted through official heavenly channels.

“I support the troops,” King David said while heating a Manna-Ready-to-Eat against a sling stone. “But a ground war in Iran looks like a ‘go’ at this point thanks to those NCAA logjams. The Secretary of War should stop praying for an Ivy League miracle and start worrying about the slam-poetry warning order he just wrote.”

Meanwhile, Satan has expressed delight at the prospect of another Persian Incursion.

“It will maximize my return on investment this quarter,” he said while adjusting a spreadsheet. “If enough misguided faithful cry out for bracket-busters, I’ll easily hit my target ratio of one 12-seed upset for every 12,000 fallen boots.”

WASHINGTON — Secretary of War Pete Hegseth appeared visibly confused Tuesday after discovering that the phrase “fuck around and find out,” which he frequently uses on television to describe America's enemies, apparently applies to him as well.

The revelation came during a Pentagon briefing as the conflict with Iran entered what officials described as “its second week of not ending in a week.”

“Look, this will be over in seven days,” Hegseth said at the outset of the conflict, speaking with the confidence of a platoon leader who never developed a campaign plan. “You drop some bombs, hit a few Ayatollahs, and the people will just walk into the street and scream ‘you’ve been cancelled’ at the Iranian regime.”

Two weeks later, Iranian missiles are striking targets across the region, oil markets are in chaos, tankers are exploding in the Strait of Hormuz, and the Pentagon has begun using the phrase “dynamic operational environment,” which officials confirmed loosely translates to “we may have fucked around a bit too much and are now finding out.”

One aide said Hegseth was “particularly surprised” Iran did not immediately surrender after several days of strikes.

“The Secretary believed if we just air-war the shit out of them, they would quickly realize the United States puts the ‘dom’ in air dominance,” said Joe Kasper, a special government employee brought in by Hegseth.

Complicating matters has been Hegseth’s repeated description of the conflict as a “spiritual struggle,” which has created awkward moments among U.S. allies.

“The messaging about a holy war has been… difficult,” said one State Department diplomat. “Especially considering many of our partners are, by sheer coincidence, Muslim.”

The State Department has attempted to walk back the remarks as a translation issue.

“Holy war? No,” one official said. “He meant… war of good versus evil. Totally different.”

Diplomats said several allied governments responded with what one official described as “a long, uncomfortable pause, but in Arabic.”

The meeting reportedly ended with U.S. officials pleading with Gulf partners not to expel American forces.

IRAN — As the War in Iran enters its second month, international markets are already feeling the impact of shipments either delayed or altogether prevented from coming through the Strait of Hormuz. But American defense officials stress that the Strait is currently open and will remain open if you aren’t a bitch.

“Iranian mines and missile attacks are a real threat if you’re a pussy,” said U.S. Ambassador to the Middle East Jake Paul. “However, for those ships who are about that life, the Strait remains navigable.”

The Strait of Hormuz — the only maritime passage from the Persian Gulf to the open ocean — remains one of the world’s most critical chokepoints for global energy supply.

Shortly after the war began, Iran seeded the waterway with mines, effectively halting traffic for what Pentagon officials described as “captains with no fucking balls."

“Let me be clear: we did not underestimate Iran,” said Secretary of Warmaxxing Pete Hegseth. “We underestimated the number of tankers that would get sand in their vaginas over getting blown up and sunk.”

International partners have expressed concern over the Pentagon’s apparent lack of a coherent plan to restore normal shipping operations.

“We asked them what the plan was to deal with the mines,” said French Foreign Minister Pierre LePierre. “They told us to 'stop talking about it and to start being about it' with a meme about how everyone is a gangsta until it's time to do gangsta shit.”

The White House defended the approach, saying it is already producing results with ships beginning to show themselves as real ones by attempting to transit the waterway.

“On Tuesday, multiple oil tankers who have that dog in them crossed the Strait,” said Mike Lindell, recently appointed Chief of American Defense Strategy in Iran. “We expect this will lead to additional craft nutting up to reopen this vital supply line.”

Regional experts say ships that have successfully crossed the Strait typically notify Iran in advance that “today is not the day" and that they are not the one. Meanwhile, they advised any craft attacked while passing through the Strait that they should try being a fucking man for once in their goddamned life.

WASHINGTON — The Department of War is still struggling to explain what is happening with Iran while refusing to use what officials call “the ‘W’ word,” sources confirmed today.

Rumors have circulated for days of a full-blown — ahem — “thing” between the United States and its longtime regional adversary, but department officials declined to characterize the situation any further.

“We’re seeing each other acrimoniously,” said Secretary of War Pete Hegseth. “We don’t want to get ahead of ourselves.”

The department later issued internal guidance directing staff to describe the ongoing operation as a “hostile situationship” or “foreign entanglement we sought to avoid.”

Still, a cadre of increasingly frustrated reporters pressed Hegseth to clarify whether the United States was, in fact, at war.

“It turns out the word ‘war’ comes with a lot of baggage — like congressional oversight,” Hegseth said. “So we knew we had to change the name again, because we are not fighting any wars.”

Officials said several alternatives are under consideration, including “Department of Preemptive Aggression,” “Department of Explosions,” and “Military Department.”

“We briefly liked ‘Department of Aggression’ because it tested poorly with liberals,” one official said. “Then it tested poorly with conservatives too. At that point we realized we may have painted ourselves into a corner renaming it from ‘Department of Defense,’ which, in hindsight, was actually a pretty solid name.”

The compromise option, “Liberty Department,” was reportedly rejected because “no one could say it with a straight face.”

ARLINGTON, Va. — A local man who says he is “closely monitoring the rapidly evolving situation in Iran” admitted that his analysis largely consists of scrolling through videos posted by attractive Middle Eastern influencers celebrating the death of Ayatollah Ali Khamenei, sources confirmed today.

“I’m just trying to stay informed,” said Kyle McDonough after watching the same dance video of smoking-hot Persian influencer and PhD student Mooné Rahimi for the 37th time while insisting he is keeping tabs on everything happening in and around Iran.

McDonough said his geopolitical interest began after a video appeared in his feed starring influencer Goldie Ghamari.

“She was explaining the historical significance of the moment,” said McDonough a former defense contractor-turned-amateur open source intelligence analyst, replaying the video again. “Also she winked and said ‘freedom for Iran,’ which I think has major implications for regional stability.”

“That wink was for me," he added.

Since then, McDonough told reporters that he's been using LiveUAMap to get real-time updates on the war and definitely not endlessly scrolling through viral thirst trap videos on Instagram Reels and TikTok.

Meanwhile, friends say McDonough has spent the past several days forwarding videos of glamorous Iranian influencers to group chats with captions such as “Important update from Tehran.” He has also expanded his research to include popular “Women of the Israel Defense Force” social media accounts.

“These accounts provide critical regional context,” McDonough explained while watching a video of Israeli OnlyFans model Gal Gool in which she claims to have personally eliminated the Iranian Supreme Leader with what she called “two Israeli missiles" on her chest.

Some Middle East experts believe Western men may be radicalized by the growing influence of online “ji-hotties,” an alliance of Instagram models and TikTokers from Iran, Israel, and the Kurdish Women’s Protection Units. Some fear the content may radicalize Western men into becoming simps and passport bros.

WHEN Trump insults Britain and our Royal Navy does he mean the country, which is outrageous, or our prime minister, which is great? Find out: 

Calling British warships ‘toys’ 

Once our Navy ruled the world, a period which all the world’s nations look back on with unalloyed happiness. Today, less so. This can only be the fault of Keir Starmer, who failed to order three new aircraft carriers despite being appointed as Director of Public Prosecutions in 2008. This is entirely at his door.

Verdict: Starmer

Saying ‘the UK was afraid to give us an island’ 

Accusing the UK of not giving him the Chagos Islands, Trump undoubtedly intended to denigrate the character of our prime minister and our prime minister alone. He knows full well the rest of the country is clamouring to hand over sovereign territory to the US in order to fight wars that raise fuel prices and mortgage rates and may see food rationing introduced.

Verdict: Starmer again

Accusing Britain of only offering to send ships ‘when the war was over’

This is definitely on Starmer. He knew full well Trump would begin a war with Iran on a random Saturday in February, and had ample chance to ensure all our ships were in the area and in danger from a war we had no say in and which the public does not back. If he resigned today Trump would love Britain again.

Verdict: Couldn’t be more Starmer

Saying Starmer was ‘not exactly Churchill’ 

We all know what Trump meant because we know who our Churchill is: the bulldog-faced Boris Johnson, who even now stands ready to lead Britain in its hour of need, deserting his post only to sire children. Why didn’t we immediately declare a unity government with him at its head when war broke out? Just because we’re ‘not involved’?

Verdict: Directly and inarguably Starmer

Posting the opening sketch from Saturday Night Live UK

Starmer was not involved in this sketch, nor was anyone who looks like, sounds like or could be reasonably interpreted as attempting to do an impression of Starmer. The grey-haired bloke was John Major. Therefore this was a rare insult not aimed at our prime minister but at the UK’s failing arts sector for which we are all equally guilty.

Verdict: An insult to Britain, but only one

Summary: Despite Trump’s deep unpopularity in this country coupled with public reluctance to be involved in his war, most of his insults are to Keir Starmer and therefore valid, necessary and should be reported widely and without context.

GOVERNMENT guidance has called for screen time to be limited for children under five. But frankly these other groups could do with some restrictions too.

Seething gammons

Huge chunks of the internet are nothing more than a hate engine powered by outraged, narrow-minded pensioners. Restricting the amount of time they can bark about Meghan in the Mail Online comments section will cool down the culture war and make them realise that voting for Reform UK is probably a bad idea. It’s in the national interest that they’re pacified with a TV that plays Battle of Britain on an endless loop instead.

Dating singletons

Endlessly swiping through apps and realising your low ranking on the dating market is terrible for a person’s wellbeing. Scaling back this activity will get desperate, horny singletons approaching each other in real life again and hopefully reverse the gradual population decline. Either that or it will accelerate it as everyone realises they’ve totally forgotten how to flirt in real life.

Boyfriends who use toilets

Limiting boyfriends with working bowels to an hour of screen time a day will have a dramatic effect on how long they stay on the shitter. The previous average of 40 minutes will be brought crashing down to a tight ten, maximum, as they’re forced to ration out their private scrolling. However women need to be prepared for having to spend more time with their terminally boring partners as a result.

Social media influencers

True, social media influencers are going through a tough time at the minute after being driven from their homeland in Dubai. But cutting back their screen time is the next step in rehabilitating them into becoming useful, functional members of society. We will no longer need them to upload challenge videos or record sponsored reviews, and it would be really useful if they could start building houses instead. In fact why not make it compulsory?

Everyone else, realistically

Nobody is truly immune to the damaging effects of gawping at a screen 24/7. Putting a cap on it will shield young boys from the manosphere, prevent mothers from getting radicalised by Mumsnet, and protect your budget from late night eBay purchases. Upon doing so, society will soon revert to wholesome analogue pleasures, like getting shitfaced and having affairs.

IRAN has countered the US 15-point peace plan with a single-point plan of its own, in which it does nothing and waits for its opponent to leave.

The plan is based on close observation of US wars in Iraq, Afghanistan and Vietnam where the invaded country found all it had to do was remain there indefinitely and US forces would not.

An Iranian spokesman said: “A single point seems well-suited to the current president’s attention span, provided he has someone to talk him through it.

“But the genius of our plan is that is does not require the agreement of both parties. It remains valid whether the US occupies Kharg Island, lands paratroopers or dispatches a crack Delta Force team to penetrate our bunkers. Whatever. You’ll f**k off eventually.

“In previous US adventurism, the plan would have been broken down into two parts: one, the US goes, two, the allies who fell for this being a long-term project with a proper outcome go. But there is no complication with allies on this one!

“We will continue to control the Strait of Hormuz because it runs along 100 miles of our coastline. We will not replace our government with a pro-Western one and if forced to we would change it back the moment you left.”

The US is expected to reject the peace plan entirely while tacitly accepting it in full, given time.

AFTER a convoluted incident in which a security guard made a child cry near singer Chappell Roan, it may be your duty to hate her now. Or it may not. Let’s examine this important event.

The fateful incident

While in a hotel in Brazil for the Lollapalooza festival, Roan was spotted by an 11-year-old fan, who smiled at her. However a security guard intervened and berated her parents for ‘harassing’ the singer, leaving the child in tears. Does this mean Roan is evil? We can certainly suggest that.

Roan’s counterclaim

Roan pointed out that that the bodyguard was not her personal security, she did not speak to him, and was unaware of the child or the incident. Is this a truthful account of events, or did she actually say ‘Make that little girl cry because I am crazed with power after the success of Pink Pony Club’? Perhaps we will never know.

The upset child was Jude Law’s

In a bizarre twist that defies explanation, the child, Ada, is the daughter of Jude Law, who is no longer with her mother, singer Catherine Harding. The involvement of a titan of cinema like Jude, who has appeared in such iconic films as Captain Marvel, Shopping and Peter Pan & Wendy, obviously makes the incident magnitudes worse.

The role of the Premier League

Ada’s stepfather is Brazilian footballer and former Chelsea midfielder Jorginho. Coincidence? Yes. 

The shadowy security guard

Bodyguard Pascal Duvier quickly identified himself and categorically stated he had not acted on behalf of Roan. This would seem to confirm her story, although it could be a conspiracy to protect her image, with ‘fall guy’ Duvier paid off to take the blame. If this is true, the similarities with Watergate are uncanny. 

Duvier was actually protecting Sabrina Carpenter

Another mindblowing twist. A majority of the population (Sabrina’s fans + men) agree Sabrina is lovely and must be protected at all costs, even if it means terrifying an 11-year-old girl. This does not apply to Roan, who looks like an annoying goth you knew in the sixth-form.

Roan’s past crimes

The controversy prompted the Daily Mail to look for evidence of previous diva behaviour by the singer. What they found is horrific: she once shouted at a photographer and made several posts criticising ‘creepy’ fan behaviour. With such a volume of damning evidence against her, it’s clear that Roan instigated the whole thing and probably visits school playgrounds to laugh at unpopular children being bullied.

Conclusion

In the final analysis it appears Roan has been a bit whiny about her privacy but had almost nothing to do with the incident. But that doesn’t put her in the clear. You should hate her anyway because someone needs to pay for all the time you’ve wasted following this bollocks non-story. Sorry, Chappell.

Say what you will about Magas, they’re consistent. No matter what Donald Trump does, he’s right. And he’s killing it. (Forget about the literal interpretation of that phrase for a minute.) The 2026 Conservative Political Action Conference (CPAC) is going down in Texas right now. It’s a collection of all the B- and C- list […]

The post This ultra Maga insisting that ‘genius’ Donald Trump is the ‘president of peace’ goes a long way to explaining the state of America right now appeared first on The Poke.

As the war with Iran rages on and spreads across the Middle East, the man who started it all (for absolutely no reason, mind you) has apparently moved on. In a rare moment of honesty, Donald Trump just openly admitted what’s plainly obvious to anyone who’s been following his political career: he does not care. […]

The post Donald Trump finally said something that everyone could agree was definitely the truth and it spoke volumes about his war on Iran appeared first on The Poke.

Like us you probably won’t have come across Claude Malhuret before. He’s a physician and lawyer who has been a member of the French senate since 2014, overseeing the centre-right the Independents since 2014 (it says here). And we mention him because he’s just gone viral – wildly viral – with this quite brilliant takedown […]

The post This French senator’s magnificent takedown of Donald Trump and his entire White House administration is properly iconic appeared first on The Poke.

Hello and welcome, or welcome back, to the Poke’s weekly round-up of funny stuff from Twitter. We’ve dug through the misinformation, disinformation, AI slop, and trolling to find 25 genuinely funny posts. Some are topical, because it’s important to occasionally allow yourself a laugh to offset the other effects of the news. We hope you […]

The post Our 25 Favourite Funny Tweets of the Week appeared first on The Poke.

Last One Laughing is back on Prime and what a treat it is too. Returning champ Bob Mortimer and a whole new host of contestants including Romesh Ranganathan are in the new series, and it’s Romesh that takes centre stage in this particular 5 minutes or so which has just gone wildly viral on Twitter. […]

The post This hilarious 5 minutes and a bit from the new Last One Laughing is surely their toughest test yet appeared first on The Poke.