NEW YORK—In a desperate ploy aimed at playing on the sympathies of concerned viewers, CBS News editor-in-chief Bari Weiss reportedly attempted to boost ratings for her struggling programs this week by kidnapping the mother of evening anchor Tony Dokoupil. “I’m not going to hurt you, Ms. Dokoupil, but you’ll be staying with me at least until the end of spring sweeps next month,” said a masked Weiss, who, according to sources, planned to seed tentpole shows such as Face The Nation and Sunday Morning with lurid details of Gail Dokoupil’s captivity, counting down the days, hours, and minutes until a deadline set by an “anonymous kidnapper” to bring in an additional 2 million viewers. “If all goes to plan, particularly in the more coveted demographics, I’ll get you home safe and sound. If not—well, let’s just hope the audience comes through for you.” At press time, CBS News ratings had yet to improve, and witnesses claimed to have seen a masked woman ushering the granddaughters of longtime 60 Minutes host Lesley Stahl into the back of a van.
WASHINGTON—In an effort to keep his airways clear while his colleagues discussed foreign policy, U.S. Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth was laid on his side for a Cabinet meeting Friday, according to sources within the White House. “Hey, Scott [Bessent], could you grab us a couple towels to support his head and soak up some of the piss?” said Secretary of State Marco Rubio, who reportedly kneeled beside Hegseth while the former Fox News host lapsed in and out of consciousness, drying heaving and occasionally muttering incoherent threats against Sen. Mark Kelly of Arizona. “Before I can brief you guys on the situation in Nigeria, I need someone to help me wriggle him out of his suit so we can wash off the vomit. Ugh, the whole Cabinet Room smells like sour Jägermeister. I’m gonna turn him on his other side so he’s not breathing on us. Let’s try to get some water in him once we’re sure he can keep it down. JD [Vance], would you mind taking over for me down here while I present? Just use your fingers to scoop out his mouth if it seems like he’s choking on puke.” At press time, an aide was seen hoisting the completely limp defense secretary over his shoulder and taking him back to the Pentagon to oversee the invasion of Greenland.
Steve and Timpani moved from California to Texas in the hit series Californians Move To Texas. There were a few cultural differences they weren't prepared for in going from California wokeness to Texas freedom. Now their story continues...
The dark side of the moon has long been the subject of myth and speculation. What mysteries lie beyond the known lunar surface in that dark realm beyond our telescopes?
SPACE — On Monday, the Artemis II crew set a new record for the farthest away from Earth humans have ever gone. And as mission specialist Jeremy Hansen stared at the far side of the moon, with the Earth a distant crescent, one thought crossed his mind: He was pretty sure he had left his oven on.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald Trump put Iran on notice, stating that this was his final warning before he would send Bruce Springsteen to perform there.
For generations, Star Wars fans have been absolutely certain that licking Jabba The Hutt would induce an intense psychedelic experience akin to taking several tabs of highly potent LSD or ingesting the toxic skin of the Sonoran Desert toad. Unfortunately, that illusion has just been shattered after a heartbreaking update from the franchise creator himself: George Lucas has revealed that you would have to lick Jabba The Hutt over 100 times to get any sort of buzz whatsoever.
Absolutely devastating. Anyone whose Star Wars fandom was based on the idea that Jabba’s slime would get them high no longer has any reason to live.
In a lengthy Instagram post titled “My Truth About Jabba (Coming Clean About The Hutt: NO REGRETS: JUST GUILT AND ANGER),” George Lucas explained to Star Wars fans that even though Jabba looks like you would only have to lick him a tiny bit to trip balls for a thousand years, in reality the toxic slime that covers his body is incredibly weak and would require a massive dose to induce even mild intoxication.
“It brings me great shame and rage to share with you people that you’d basically have to give Jabba a tongue bath from stem to stern and just strip all the poison slime off of that fucker just to feel the equivalent of a single beer,” Lucas wrote in his post, which has already caused legions of longtime Star Wars fans to renounce the franchise entirely. “I’m as heartbroken as you are, but if you have a problem with this you should blame the Disney Corporation for forcing Jabba to wash his slime, and you should also blame the Hutts as a species for evolving wrong.”
Dang. There’s no way to sugarcoat this: This is a major tragedy for anyone who has ever enjoyed Star Wars.
As if Lucas’s admission that licking Jabba barely induces any hallucinations weren’t devastating enough, the Star Wars creator’s post also explained that Jabba’s slime “barely has any flavor” and “tastes kind of like grape jelly even though he is green and should taste like sour apple Jolly Ranchers.” He also claimed that if you roasted Jabba over an open flame, he would “taste like a tire.” For millions of Star Wars lovers worldwide who had dreamed of getting high by licking Jabba’s slime and then eating his meat, this revelation has caused a massive wave of despair.
It’s official: This is the worst Star Wars news of all time. While there are some pockets of the fandom who are desperately trying to assert that this isn’t canon, the Disney Corporation has issued an official statement affirming that “everything George Lucas says about Jabba’s psychotropic properties is absolute truth.” There’s simply no way around it: licking Jabba barely gets you high and nothing is good anymore!
Trump’s Justice Department is already facing heated scrutiny for mishandling the Epstein Files, but this may just be their most inept move yet: The DOJ has added a dating section to the Epstein Files where the people implicated in them can flirt with each other.
Yikes…if the DOJ is hoping to regain public trust, they’re not doing themselves any favors with this one.
In a press conference this morning, Acting U.S. Attorney General Todd Blanche announced the debut of EpSeek, a dating section on the DOJ website’s Epstein Library that anyone compromised in Jeffrey Epstein’s email correspondences can use to connect with other Epstein conspirators and criminal accessories interested in flirting online. EpSeek is a referral-based dating platform, meaning users must be referred to the Justice Department by active EpSeek members in order to start an account. Once the DOJ confirms a referral’s implication in the Epstein Files, they’re approved to create an EpSeek profile, where they can set their flirting preferences (ranging from ‘Looking To Flirt Just A Little’ all the way to ‘Looking To Flirt Hard’), and start swiping for matches.
Blanche was swiftly grilled by White House press as to what purpose the matchmaking tool served in the Epstein investigation, and how it would help Epstein’s human trafficking and sex crime victims seek justice, but Trump’s Acting AG staunchly defended EpSeek as “an exclusive platform for casual, chat-only flirting between both redacted and unredacted friends and accomplices of convicted child sex trafficker Jeffrey Epstein.”
“There is nothing criminal about flirting online, or wanting to flirt with other people who have ‘being namedropped in the Epstein Files’ in common with you,” explained Blanche. “To anyone concerned about EpSeek’s function in the DOJ’s investigation, ask yourself this: would you rather see people named in the Epstein Files flirting with the general public on Hinge, OKCupid, or Grindr? EpSeek is just more proof that America is a safer and flirtier country under President Trump.”
What the hell is the DOJ thinking?! We have a feeling EpSeek is going to age like milk.
Todd Blanche is right that there’s nothing criminal about flirting, but there is definitely something criminal about profiting from or participating in Jeffrey Epstein’s sex trafficking network, and it shouldn’t be rewarded with a dating platform funded by tax payer dollars. Well, needless to say, President Trump has made a complete and utter mess of the DOJ. Ugh.
Funeral homes are rarely businesses you associate with fun surprises, but that’s changing in a big, big way: This funeral home is offering the chance to score a limited holographic prayer card of your deceased loved one with every wake.
Simply brilliant. Bringing a little Pokémon inspiration to the wake experience is a truly thoughtful touch!
At Rossi Funeral Home in Scotch Plains, NJ, wakes are more than an opportunity to say goodbye—they’re a chance for grieving families to collect a limited edition holographic prayer card featuring a photo of the dearly departed with a rainbow sheen and tasteful foil finish. These shimmering, commemorative mementos constitute one in every 30 prayer cards, meaning only a few lucky mourners per service will draw one from the stack next to the wake’s guest book. Aside from traditional elements like a photo, prayer, and lifespan dates, the shiny remembrance keepsakes will also list the departed’s signature attack and energy type (Fire, Water, Psychic, Grass, etc.).
“The Pokémon card model allows us to incentivize and reward the bereaved for making time to pay their respects to the dead,” explained Frank Rossi Jr., the owner of Rossi Funeral Home, who had the idea to turn prayer cards into rare collectibles after seeing an Internet video of Costco shoppers brawl over packs of Pokémon cards. “Since debuting the holographic prayer cards, we’ve not only seen an uptick in attendance at all wakes, but also in fights among mourners eager to nab a holographic prayer card and sell it to other friends and family members of the deceased for a profit.”
Amazing. What a meaningful gesture to grieving families.
Wakes are difficult, emotional times for people who’ve lost a loved one, which is why it’s so heartwarming to see Rossi Funeral Home celebrate the dead by making their prayer cards exciting, aesthetically unique collector’s items. Other funeral homes take note, because this is how you do remembrance!
In 2014, Malaysia Airlines Flight 370 disappeared without a trace. The world’s been waiting for answers ever since. Now, investigators are closer to uncovering the mystery than ever before, after discovering the official black box audio from MH370.
Malaysian authorities have given ClickHole exclusive rights to this newly uncovered cockpit recording, which you can listen to below, and draw your own conclusions about what happened aboard that fatal flight.
Fair warning, listening to these pilots’ final moments on MH370 is absolutely chilling.
This is so sad. Mom just got a smart fridge, and now it’s cyberbullying her. She definitely doesn’t deserve this—maybe the fridge is just a particularly mean one. Whatever the cause, we really feel for Mom here. This has got to stop.
TEHRAN — Iranian officials insisted Monday that they are simply “mining their own business” after several sea captains complained about explosive devices appearing throughout the Strait of Hormuz.
According to one of three Iranian government officials reportedly still alive, the naval mines are part of a direct stimulus program designed to keep the country’s military-industrial complex functioning smoothly.
“You need growth to stay competitive,” said the Iranian official, who asked to remain anonymous out of fear of retaliation by Mossad. “The mine sector is very important to our economy. If we cannot export mines, then we must consume them domestically. The workers and their families are counting on us.”
The official explained that laying large numbers of mines in one of the world’s most important shipping lanes is simply a way of maintaining production levels while international markets remain “temporarily constrained.”
“Our economy is very fragile,” he said. “Our main exports are oil, kamikaze drones, and maritime mines. With U.S. sanctions hitting our oil and drones currently saturating the entire cradle of civilization, we had to find a solution. Since they make up a third of our economy, we have to keep the mine industry afloat. Otherwise, the whole sector could… sink.”
Iranian officials said the idea was inspired by American economic policy.
“Seventeen years ago I saw a news report about the great American tradition of the government burning all your money in a giant hole. We thought if the Americans could do that, we could do anything.”
“The strait is very deep and conveniently close to our factories,” he added. “From a logistics perspective, it is perfect. We could keep filling it with mines for decades. Once these ‘temporary restrictions’ end, we can simply retrieve them and return them to market. If we lose a few to accidental discharges, that is just the cost of doing business.”
We don't run your credit so much as we absorb it. Gap insurance strongly recommended. Gap insurance will not help you.
The government confirmed it is already expanding industrial capacity, citing strong long-term demand.
“These are good jobs,” a finance ministry official said before reportedly exploding in a drone strike mid-sentence. “Manufacturing them comes with some risk, but it is still safer than most government positions at the moment.”
Officials also defended the policy as consistent with international norms.
“We just want to be left alone to mine our own business,” said the government official. “You don't hear us complaining about how the United States has thrown dollar-after-dollar into an endless burning pit of fire for twenty years in the Middle East."
“They are wonderful — big, beautiful mines,” Trump said. "I’ve never seen such huge, round, very round metal balls before. Come to think of it, they would make perfect balls for Arnold Palmer. Huge dick that guy — oh, I’m being told the mines are Iranian. Very bad mines. The worst. Terrible things those mines are doing to the oil prices. Bad for oil, bad for business. Nothing we can do."
The head of the Iranian government — whoever currently holds the position — responded on X.
“If the United States wishes us to stop,” the official account of the Supreme Ayatollah said, “they are always welcome to purchase our exports instead of throwing their money into the giant hole.”
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SECDEF_Nice served in Army Civil Affairs and specialized in failing to influence populations and occasionally his own chain-of-command. Favorite quote by Plato: “The best satire for the soul is the truth.” Follow him on X at @SECDEF_Nice or at Foxhole Briefs.
WASHINGTON — After Chairman of the Joint Chiefs Gen. John Daniel “Raizin” Caine warned recently that the “Straits of Whore Moose” [sic] had become a contested waterway, the U.S. Navy moved quickly to designate the area a protected maritime cultural zone known as the Gays of Hormuz, sources confirmed today.
“This is now a safe haven,” said Adm. Daryl L. Caudle, Chief of Naval Operations. “A deeply nautical, deeply life-affirming safe haven where we can finally be ourselves."
“The name itself finally allows us to stop being subtle,” Cox said. “For decades, sailors have been navigating Hormuz with a level of… interpretive enthusiasm.”
Cox noted that as far back as 1949, the Navy’s Middle East Force helped establish what he described as “a proud tradition of extended deployments, questionable decision-making, and everyone agreeing not to ask too many questions.”
“The Marines have the Shores of Tripoli,” Cox added. “Now we have the Gays of Hormuz. This will live forever in Navy heritage.”
The Navy emphasized that its relationship with gay culture did not begin this week, citing its enduring affection for the Village People and a little-known internal effort in the late 1970s to replace “Anchors Aweigh” with “In the Navy.”
“People thought that was a joke,” Cox said. “It was not.”
Service guarantees citizenship. Participation may vary.
The move has also intensified the Navy’s long-running rivalry with the Marine Corps.
“The Marines keep acting like they’re more masculine,” said Cmdr. Jason Baker, captain of the USS Dewey. “We keep acting like we’re not enjoying any of this. It’s been going on for about a hundred years.”
"The Navy has a long tradition of being extremely weird about its own traditions," said a Marine Corps spokesman, pointing to the service's crossing the line ceremonies and students at the Naval Academy climbing a large, slippery phallic statue every year. "We fully support them continuing their traditions somewhere far away from us.”
Under the new designation, any Navy vessel entering the waterway will be required to conduct what officials are calling the “Fraternal Order of the Strait-Chaser Ceremony,” a ritual inspired by the Navy’s historic shellback ceremony.
“Everyone remembers their first time crossing the line,” one official said. “This is similar, just… less subtle.”
“I told them to knock it off,” one aide said Hegseth remarked. “Some things are traditions, and some things are just getting out of hand.”
At press time, a spokesperson for the submarine community said, “We have no comment, and we would prefer to keep it that way.”
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SECDEF_Nice served in Army Civil Affairs and specialized in failing to influence populations and occasionally his own chain-of-command. Favorite quote by Plato: “The best satire for the soul is the truth.” Follow him on X at @SECDEF_Nice or at Foxhole Briefs.
WASHINGTON — President Donald Trump announced today that the United States has officially ended the Iran War after what he described as “the biggest, most beautiful military operation in human history" convinced Iranian leaders to immediately abandon their nuclear program, reopen the Strait of Hormuz, and gave him “basically unlimited oil — frankly, more oil than anybody has ever seen.”
Standing in front of a banner reading "MAKING PEACE GREAT AGAIN," Trump told reporters the deal was finalized after Iran was left so impressed by recent U.S. strikes that its leadership decided resistance was no longer appropriate.
“Now that we won the war," the president said, beginning his speech with an explanation of what exactly the conflict should be referred to as, “I can now finally say — without a doubt — that we were at war. We were really unsure for a week or two what this thing was, but now that it's over. It was definitely a war.”
The president then described his personal discussions with Iranian leaders.
“They were amazed,” Trump said. “They said, ‘Sir, we give up. Your attacks were so incredible, so precise, so awesome, we have no choice but to give you everything you wanted, and more.’ That’s what they said.”
According to Trump, the agreement requires Iran to permanently dismantle its nuclear weapons program, fully reopen the Strait of Hormuz to global shipping, and send the president a personal gift consisting of “all the oil I could ever want.”
“It’s a lot of oil,” Trump said. “A very respectful amount. They insisted. I don't even know what to do with all this oil. I might even start my own oil company. People are saying I should. I'd be very good at it."
The president also claimed Iran’s new leader personally called him early this morning to express gratitude.
Don't wait. Get in touch with your local Army recruiter now.
“He thanked me,” Trump said. “He said, ‘Mr. President, you are doing such a good job. Really tremendous. You actually won this three weeks ago, but I was so impressed with how committed you were that I let it play out a little longer.’”
Trump added that the Iranian leader told him the country was “totally honored" since "they couldn't have had a better opponent.”
White House officials said the peace breakthrough came after Iran concluded it could not hope to compete with what one aide called “America’s elite military execution and its ability to counter every foreseeable Iranian action.”
In Tehran, Iranian officials offered a somewhat different version of events, though they did confirm they were deeply affected by the scale of recent U.S. action.
“We were astonished,” one official said. “Not just militarily, but emotionally. We felt the only honorable course was to surrender completely and also provide extra concessions as a gesture of appreciation.”
The official added Iran agreed to “a little more than the Americans even asked for” because the president taught them “so much about true leadership,” including “how to make Iran great again.”
Pentagon officials declined to provide details on the agreement but confirmed the administration considers the matter resolved.
At press time, Trump was already suggesting the peace deal qualifies him for at least three Nobels and an additional FIFA Peace Prize.
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SECDEF_Nice served in Army Civil Affairs and specialized in failing to influence populations and occasionally his own chain-of-command. Favorite quote by Plato: “The best satire for the soul is the truth.” Follow him on X at @SECDEF_Nice or at Foxhole Briefs.
WASHINGTON — A new national poll released this week found that a majority of Americans were surprised to learn the war with Iran is still happening, roughly two weeks after most people stopped paying attention.
When asked what the United States should do about the conflict and whether they supported deploying ground troops, 72 percent of respondents reportedly replied, “Wait… that’s not over?”
Analysts say the public attention cycle following a national crisis tends to follow a familiar pattern.
On the first Saturday the news broke, millions of Americans were glued to their phones watching dramatic footage of missile strikes and air defenses lighting up the night sky across social media.
“Everyone was sharing the videos,” said polling director Mark Caldwell. “There were maps, military threads, amateur geopolitical experts explaining the Strait of Hormuz. It was a huge weekend.”
On Sunday, Iranian forces responded in kind, and both the conflict and online discourse escalated rapidly. That evening, the national mood shifted to talk shows, group texts, and highly confident predictions about how the conflict would unfold.
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“People were saying things like ‘this will be over in a week’ and ‘Iran can’t possibly sustain this,’” Caldwell said. “A lot of very authoritative takes from people who had just learned where Iran was.”
From Monday through Wednesday, the war became the dominant topic in workplaces across the country.
Corporate Teams and Slack channels filled with strategic analysis, with coworkers debating air defense capabilities during lunch and confidently explaining the difference between ballistic and cruise missiles after watching half of a YouTube video.
By Thursday afternoon, however, interest had begun to wane.
“New war videos started drying up, and people began asking if anyone had watched that new Netflix show yet,” Caldwell said.
By Friday, most Americans had quietly moved on to other priorities, including Spring Break, hiking, and learning how pickleball works.
“Pickleball just exploded on Friday,” Caldwell said. “The war never really had a chance after that.”
Defense officials confirmed the conflict has continued uninterrupted during the period in which the public stopped monitoring it.
Missile exchanges, regional mobilizations, and diplomatic maneuvering have persisted daily, though many Americans first learned this when the poll was conducted.
“I thought that ended like two weekends ago,” said one respondent from Ohio. “Didn’t we bomb something and everyone kind of agreed that was enough?”
Another respondent said he assumed the situation had resolved itself because it stopped appearing in his social media feed.
“I figured if it was still happening it would be trending,” he said. “Is that why gas prices are going back up?”
After the pollster briefly mentioned the Strait of Hormuz, the man frowned.
“Wait, what? Shouldn’t the Navy have secured that on day one?” he said. “Like take out the leadership, bomb the nuclear sites, wipe out the missiles, secure the Strait. Those seem like the four most obvious priorities.”
At press time, polling organizations confirmed they are preparing a follow-up survey to determine how Americans feel about the war now that they have briefly remembered it exists.
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SECDEF_Nice served in Army Civil Affairs and specialized in failing to influence populations and occasionally his own chain-of-command. Favorite quote by Plato: “The best satire for the soul is the truth.” Follow him on X at @SECDEF_Nice or at Foxhole Briefs.
HEAVEN — God is unable to keep boots off the ground in Iran because He is currently overwhelmed with prayers to rig March Madness at the faithful’s request, heavenly sources confirmed today.
“The brackets are eating up every bit of bandwidth,” said Saint Joan of Arc (HGS S-3), a longtime Notre Dame fan. “Sure, the Chief hears every plea to stop regional entanglements. But any prayer regarding the Strait of Hormuz is on hold until Father Almighty deals with the thousands of outcries for a buzzer-beating three-pointer.”
According to heavenly officials, NCAA basketball creates a massive surge in prayer volume every spring that drowns out those beseeching peace for all mankind. Such “bracket bottlenecks” curtail divine intervention as the maker of heaven and earth prioritizes point spreads over regional stability in the Middle East.
“HEAVRNET is at 99% capacity,” Saint Gabriel (HGS S-6) said while untangling a mess of fiber-optic incense. “I tried rebooting the Burning Bush, but it can’t compete with all these Syracuse fans bargaining their prayers. And we can’t process Iran peace negotiations while the Big Guy is prioritizing a 12-seed upset.”
Compounding the crisis, a data spike from Chestnut Hill has overwhelmed prayer servers.
“Boston College fans flood the queue every year praying for a wildcard,” Joan groaned while swiping through a backlog of Jesuit-coded emails. “Their womp-womp creates a total deadlock in the S-3 shop. It’s blocking every chaplain’s plea to spare the next school from a strike package.”
“Boston alumni scream like they’re all burning at the stake,” Joan added. “But Gabriel says the Big Guy won’t delete their requests. The Eagles stay in the queue while kids wearing maghnaehs stay in the crosshairs.”
“I just kicked back a bracket petition for missing a HAC-card signature,” Saint Peter (HGS S-1) said while pointing to a mountain of unfiled parchment. “Everybody wants a miracle rebound but nobody wants to use the correct routing header.”
Peter added that “Vir Macho” continues citing Matthew 21:22 to justify honoring nearly every sports-related prayer submitted through official heavenly channels.
“I support the troops,” King David said while heating a Manna-Ready-to-Eat against a sling stone. “But a ground war in Iran looks like a ‘go’ at this point thanks to those NCAA logjams. The Secretary of War should stop praying for an Ivy League miracle and start worrying about the slam-poetry warning order he just wrote.”
“It will maximize my return on investment this quarter,” he said while adjusting a spreadsheet. “If enough misguided faithful cry out for bracket-busters, I’ll easily hit my target ratio of one 12-seed upset for every 12,000 fallen boots.”
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Robin Berger is a retired Air Force NCO who shops at the commissary every month as required by law.
THE sight of a single takeout pizza van has caused villagers to think their town is now on a par with London, it has emerged.
Having grown accustomed to their Nisa and a chippie that takes half an hour to drive to, residents of a Gloucestershire village believe they are about to become the new Shoreditch thanks to a van that sells overpriced pizzas.
Local Donna Sheridan said: “I thought food trucks were something MasterChef made up for the telly. Yet there it is, in all its dazzling, gentrified glory for a pleb like me to enjoy.
“I phoned my kids who live in Camden to tell them I tried something called fior de latte on my margherita. They already knew what it was thanks to their swanky university education, and suggested I try an anchovy topping next. It’s all very cosmopolitan.
“The young lad who runs it says you can’t move for food trucks like this in the big city. Apparently they even sell Asian-fusion tacos and curried lentil dishes. Sounds a bit extravagant for our tastes but each to their own.
“Maybe if the novelty of pizza served out of a van catches on we’ll be treated to other London perks like a Gail’s and unaffordable housing. We can only dream.”
Pizza cook Jack Browne said: “A place like this is perfect for entrepreneurs. I could serve these hicks reheated Pizza Express ready meals and they’d never know.”
A MAN has forgotten how to be an underperforming drone after the four-day Easter weekend, it has emerged.
A long weekend of lying on the sofa and eating chocolate has resulted in Martin Bishop not remembering how to fall short of his ‘key performance indicators’ and risk being laid off during the next round of redundancies.
Bishop said: “I knew something was off when I confidently walked into the office early. That’s so unlike me.
“My suspicions grew as I promptly replied to emails, organised my to-do list, and whipped up a presentation of budget-saving measures the company could easily implement. Usually it takes me all morning to turn my computer on.
“I tried to get back into the swing of things by sending emails without the necessary attachments and taking lengthy toilet breaks, but it’s no use. I stupidly got a raise after coming up with profitable ideas during this morning’s team meeting.
“Am I ever going to remember how to fill in a spreadsheet incorrectly or miss a deadline? Or am I doomed to a successful career of spouting corporate jargon and being respected by my awful colleagues? Christ I hope not.”
Bishop’s boss Nikki Hollis said: “I understand Martin’s concern. But once he’s burnt out he’ll go back to being an unproductive husk.”
THE hellscape of modern society is the result of decades of dickheads beavering away. But here are six awful aspects your mum blames on you personally.
Spam emails
Your father got an email inviting him to purchase some penis enlargement pills. Your generation’s obsession with sex is what led to him clicking on a dodgy link and divulging his bank details to some foreigner with internet access. Which, incidentally, is another awful thing that’s your fault.
Petrol prices
Back in the old days, petrol was far cheaper. Now, because of inflation and various oil crises, prices at the pump have skyrocketed. You weren’t alive back then, but you are now. Coincidence? Your mum thinks not, and she won’t stop driving or complaining until you finally put your philosophy degree to good use and bring them down.
Litter
The streets are filthy, especially in cities where the young live. As an important figure within the under-60 age bracket, why, exactly, haven’t you urged today’s youth to clean up their act? And get those kids to pull up their trousers, while you’re at it.
AI chatbots
Nowadays it’s impossible to get hold of someone on the phone and shout at them when you have a problem. Instead, you’re forced to converse with a stupid AI chatbot that can’t even flinch from your bellowing. It’s young people like you with your woke sensibilities who have turned complaining into a chore rather than a pleasure.
People playing videos on public transport
Your mum is happy to endlessly swipe through knitting patterns on Instagram, but she would never play them out loud on the train. And in the quiet carriage, no less! How could you be so selfish as to invent the endless scroll and make the volume button so small and fiddly?
Hospital waiting times
According to the way your parents tell it, in the 70s you could turn up at the (white, male) doctor’s house any time of day or night and he’d sort you out. Now you have to go to A&E and wait for hours to see a so-called ‘physician’ who might have long hair or even a nose ring. Assisted dying can’t come soon enough.
DESPITE decades of documentaries, costumes and gay lovers, here are the people your dad is convinced were just a bit flamboyant.
Elton John
He married a woman, which is proof enough as far as your dad is concerned. True, the relationship didn’t work out, but neither did your parents’. And that wasn’t because your old man’s eyes lingered on the models in GQ for too long. No, it was your mum shagging her Pilates instructor that was the main problem.
Kenneth Williams
He was around in the seventies, which for your dad was a pre-woke utopia free from any of this modern LGBTQ nonsense. That rubbish only came in with New Labour. Williams’ voice was one of lifelong bachelorhood. He was an actor and they love being theatrical. Just like your uncle Jeremy and his personal dresser Chris.
Boy George
Despite not dressing in the most traditionally blokeish way, your dad is convinced that he clearly prefers girls. Sure, he’s an eccentric fellow, but he could have only got all that expert make-up advice from spending time with the fairer sex. Besides, it would take a man totally comfortable in his roaring heterosexuality to pull off that look.
George Michael
Think about all those music videos where he’s with fit ladies. Careless Whisper, Last Christmas, Freedom. That last one had supermodels in it. ‘You mean to say George Michael shot a video with Cindy Crawford and never had even a semi on?’ is your dad’s thinking. He’s even wearing a manly leather jacket for Christ’s sake.
Freddie Mercury
In your dad’s eyes he can’t be gay because he had a big moustache. That would tickle blokes during a blowy and they wouldn’t like it. He sang about wanting to break free, clearly a song about the thrill of heterosexual marriage. And he had a girlfriend called Mary who he called his ‘common law wife’. That fella Jim was just a mate who looked weirdly like him.
Liberace
A man with that kind of piano playing dexterity clearly has fingers built for fondling fannies. Why do you think he wore all that sparkly shit and sang all those ditties? To seduce birds of course. Always denied he was gay and even sued a newspaper that said he was. As would your dad.
Rock Hudson
Rock Hudson was all man and porking Doris Day to boot. He can’t have been a player of the pink oboe being in all those romantic movies with female fans throwing themselves at him. Plus he was in Dynasty, and what gay fella could be interested in that show?
The Village People
In your dad’s opinion there’s nothing questionable about these ultra-macho lads. What could possibly be homoerotic about a cop, cowboy and biker singing about being in the navy? They’re simply enjoying each other’s gruff company. It’s effeminate rockers like Axl Rose you have to worry about being secret woofters.
This must be a game to him. That’s the only explanation. Someone dared him to say the most outlandish and unbelievable nonsense at this press conference and this is what he came up with. Reporter- “Why would the Iranian people want you to blow up their infrastructure?” Trump- “We have numerous intercepts from Iranians saying […]
The latest news coming out of the White House in regards to the liberation of Iran through regime change has hit a snag. Not that Donald Trump realizes it. No, to him, everything is going great and he is in total control. The deranged man in charge of the nuclear codes in America just threatened […]
You might remember James Woods from back in the day when he was an actor in some more than decent and occasionally exceptional films like Salvador and Once Upon a Time in America. But it gets trickier to enjoy those performances each time the conservative mega Maga posts on social media. Especially when it’s bigoted […]
Of all the ugly sides of Donald Trump, perhaps the ugliest is the one that comes out when he is asked a question he cannot answer in good faith. The latest reporter to feel the wrath of a clearly in over his head President Trump is Zolan Kanno-Youngs, the New York Times White House correspondant. […]
It appears Donald Trump is not content ruining just one country. The doddering orange man continues to flush the United States of America down the toilet. With every terrible decision, he’s tugging at many nations around the globe as well. And yet, now he is specifically threatening Venezuela with a fate worse than any other. […]
