WASHINGTON—In an effort to keep his airways clear while his colleagues discussed foreign policy, U.S. Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth was laid on his side for a Cabinet meeting Friday, according to sources within the White House. “Hey, Scott [Bessent], could you grab us a couple towels to support his head and soak up some of the piss?” said Secretary of State Marco Rubio, who reportedly kneeled beside Hegseth while the former Fox News host lapsed in and out of consciousness, drying heaving and occasionally muttering incoherent threats against Sen. Mark Kelly of Arizona. “Before I can brief you guys on the situation in Nigeria, I need someone to help me wriggle him out of his suit so we can wash off the vomit. Ugh, the whole Cabinet Room smells like sour Jägermeister. I’m gonna turn him on his other side so he’s not breathing on us. Let’s try to get some water in him once we’re sure he can keep it down. JD [Vance], would you mind taking over for me down here while I present? Just use your fingers to scoop out his mouth if it seems like he’s choking on puke.” At press time, an aide was seen hoisting the completely limp defense secretary over his shoulder and taking him back to the Pentagon to oversee the invasion of Greenland.
CINCINNATI—Unable to provide an explanation for the woman’s rich social life, area man Jason Hellerman told reporters Tuesday that it was unclear where his girlfriend, Jess Mikkel, kept making all these friends. “Jess definitely knows Sarah from work and Kim from book club, but other than that, it’s a mystery where her friends are coming from,” said Hellerman, adding that it was not unusual for him to come home from work to find his girlfriend having deep, incredibly personal conversations with multiple women he had never once seen before. “Jess and I just stay in most nights, so how the hell is she meeting this many people? Is she on an app or something? Does she wake up before me in the morning and go out to some sort of predawn jogging group or yoga class? I just don’t get it. I made both of my friends through gaming, but she doesn’t even play, so how on earth is she doing it?” Pressed for further comment, Hellerman stated that the dozens of friends must all be his girlfriend’s cousins.
NEW YORK—Describing the new film’s narrative choices as recklessly exploitative given the current climate, critics blasted The Super Mario GalaxyMovie in reviews last week for its flippant school shooting plotline. “This is a painful, deeply difficult topic, and one that deserved more than the deliberate provocation of showing Princess Rosalina doing target practice in the Gusty Gardens Galaxy to take revenge on her classmates,” wrote IndieWire film critic Andrew Wreden, one of numerous critics who claimed the animated movie failed to make any substantive points by showing the visibly unhinged princess warning Toad not to come to Gateway Galaxy High the next morning. “The film’s marketing made it look like a completely different movie. You come in expecting a fun, animated adventure, only to get a deeply unsettling portrayal of gun violence in America. But it all rings hollow. There’s a fine line between shocking the audience and pure glibness, and it’s simply indefensible in 2026 to make audiences watch a weeping Yoshi take cover behind a power-up block while Bowser Jr. bleeds out in the corner.” Wreden went on to critique the depiction of a Princess Peach paralyzed by a separate school shooting as entirely indefensible.
SALT LAKE CITY, UT — Local man Tony Flanders noted that, by the looks of it, his next-door neighbor was either very, very wealthy or in massive amounts of debt.
PARIS — On Monday, French officials questioned how the United States could classify the airman rescue mission a success when no one surrendered to the Nazis.
U.S. — The installation of the Automated Ball-Strike System in Major League Baseball has left traditionalists longing for the days when games were decided by absurdly awful calls.
SPACE — Astronaut Christina Koch reportedly played a pivotal role in the success of NASA's Artemis II lunar mission on Monday when she helpfully screamed in the pilot's ear as they were just 5,000 miles shy of colliding with the lunar surface.
KOHGILUYEH — A thankful F-15 weapons systems officer reportedly asked his rescuers if he could go back to the crash site to get his AirPods real quick.
Funeral homes are rarely businesses you associate with fun surprises, but that’s changing in a big, big way: This funeral home is offering the chance to score a limited holographic prayer card of your deceased loved one with every wake.
Simply brilliant. Bringing a little Pokémon inspiration to the wake experience is a truly thoughtful touch!
At Rossi Funeral Home in Scotch Plains, NJ, wakes are more than an opportunity to say goodbye—they’re a chance for grieving families to collect a limited edition holographic prayer card featuring a photo of the dearly departed with a rainbow sheen and tasteful foil finish. These shimmering, commemorative mementos constitute one in every 30 prayer cards, meaning only a few lucky mourners per service will draw one from the stack next to the wake’s guest book. Aside from traditional elements like a photo, prayer, and lifespan dates, the shiny remembrance keepsakes will also list the departed’s signature attack and energy type (Fire, Water, Psychic, Grass, etc.).
“The Pokémon card model allows us to incentivize and reward the bereaved for making time to pay their respects to the dead,” explained Frank Rossi Jr., the owner of Rossi Funeral Home, who had the idea to turn prayer cards into rare collectibles after seeing an Internet video of Costco shoppers brawl over packs of Pokémon cards. “Since debuting the holographic prayer cards, we’ve not only seen an uptick in attendance at all wakes, but also in fights among mourners eager to nab a holographic prayer card and sell it to other friends and family members of the deceased for a profit.”
Amazing. What a meaningful gesture to grieving families.
Wakes are difficult, emotional times for people who’ve lost a loved one, which is why it’s so heartwarming to see Rossi Funeral Home celebrate the dead by making their prayer cards exciting, aesthetically unique collector’s items. Other funeral homes take note, because this is how you do remembrance!
In 2014, Malaysia Airlines Flight 370 disappeared without a trace. The world’s been waiting for answers ever since. Now, investigators are closer to uncovering the mystery than ever before, after discovering the official black box audio from MH370.
Malaysian authorities have given ClickHole exclusive rights to this newly uncovered cockpit recording, which you can listen to below, and draw your own conclusions about what happened aboard that fatal flight.
Fair warning, listening to these pilots’ final moments on MH370 is absolutely chilling.
This is so sad. Mom just got a smart fridge, and now it’s cyberbullying her. She definitely doesn’t deserve this—maybe the fridge is just a particularly mean one. Whatever the cause, we really feel for Mom here. This has got to stop.
Country Living Magazine mostly runs emotionally benign content, but there have been five occasions on which it made Mom sob like there was no tomorrow.
1. The time she read an article about how thrift stores don’t always take used blenders
It’s pretty easy to figure out why this one hit Mom so hard—she had just donated a bunch of old kitchen equipment to Goodwill. We tried to reassure her that our blender was in good enough condition that it wouldn’t get thrown out, but she kept wailing, “But how can I know? How can I know?”
2. The time Country Living published 6 brownie recipes with a Christmas twist
Mom is a lapsed Catholic, and she has not put mini candy canes on our brownies to celebrate Christmas in recent memory. We’re not sure whether she found the idea so inspiring that it made her cry, or whether reading about brownies that look like Rudolph made her feel spiritually bereft and alienated from the God of her childhood in a way that broke her down emotionally. Ultimately, she did try making brownies with red and green M&Ms that night, and they were pretty good.
3. The time she couldn’t decide if she needed a capsule wardrobe
A couple years ago, Mom ripped a capsule wardrobe guide out of Country Living, brought it upstairs to her closet, threw out nine different pairs of jeans, and then started wailing. She was found three hours later, gripping the tear-soaked magazine pages as she tried to decide between keeping a 2017 Outrun Breast Cancer 5k shirt and a 2018 Outrun Breast Cancer 5k shirt. She eventually decided that she would offload both on her sister, and ended up getting them back six months later.
4. The time she thought a farmhouse kitchen makeover looked way better before than after
Mom absolutely could not handle the giant sink and bright white cabinetry some family in Ohio put in a kitchen that, according to Mom, had been “gorgeous” before. It’s possible she was jealous, because we saw her the next week holding up white paint chips to our wooden cabinets in a contemplative manner. Either way, she cried over this article for about 30 minutes before Dad came in and put on Dancing With The Stars to cheer her up.
5. The time Country Living said faux plants were dated
This was a little out of pocket of Country Living, to be honest. They put fake plants on a list of decor mistakes that instantly age your home, and it hit Mom right in the heart. She cried, put our fake ficus by the door to be thrown out, brought the fake ficus back, and ended up giving the fake ficus an even more prominent place in the living room, possibly to make up for almost getting rid of it. She cried the whole time. Thanks a lot, Country Living!
Get ready for an inspiring story that is sure to restore your faith in humanity: This woman just slowed her pace down a little as she passed an extremely old man on the sidewalk so he doesn’t feel as slow.
What a beautiful gesture!
Despite the fact that 29-year-old Kim Brailey typically walks at a fairly fast pace, when she came upon an elderly man making his way down the sidewalk, she didn’t just speed around him. Although she was running late for her Barre workout class (an activity that this man most certainly would not be physically capable of), she took great care to avoid humiliating him with her young person speed by gently stepping around him, even adding a polite “good afternoon” as she did, rather than an “excuse me.”
And if that weren’t already enough to convince you that the younger generations truly have manners, Kim even maintained her slowerpace until she was at least 10 feet ahead of the man so that he couldn’t see what she was doing, even though he was only looking at the ground right in front of him to avoid falling down.
So incredible! The world would easily be a better place if everyone took Kim’s approach to life! Share if you agree this story made your day.
TEHRAN — Iranian officials insisted Monday that they are simply “mining their own business” after several sea captains complained about explosive devices appearing throughout the Strait of Hormuz.
According to one of three Iranian government officials reportedly still alive, the naval mines are part of a direct stimulus program designed to keep the country’s military-industrial complex functioning smoothly.
“You need growth to stay competitive,” said the Iranian official, who asked to remain anonymous out of fear of retaliation by Mossad. “The mine sector is very important to our economy. If we cannot export mines, then we must consume them domestically. The workers and their families are counting on us.”
The official explained that laying large numbers of mines in one of the world’s most important shipping lanes is simply a way of maintaining production levels while international markets remain “temporarily constrained.”
“Our economy is very fragile,” he said. “Our main exports are oil, kamikaze drones, and maritime mines. With U.S. sanctions hitting our oil and drones currently saturating the entire cradle of civilization, we had to find a solution. Since they make up a third of our economy, we have to keep the mine industry afloat. Otherwise, the whole sector could… sink.”
Iranian officials said the idea was inspired by American economic policy.
“Seventeen years ago I saw a news report about the great American tradition of the government burning all your money in a giant hole. We thought if the Americans could do that, we could do anything.”
“The strait is very deep and conveniently close to our factories,” he added. “From a logistics perspective, it is perfect. We could keep filling it with mines for decades. Once these ‘temporary restrictions’ end, we can simply retrieve them and return them to market. If we lose a few to accidental discharges, that is just the cost of doing business.”
We don't run your credit so much as we absorb it. Gap insurance strongly recommended. Gap insurance will not help you.
The government confirmed it is already expanding industrial capacity, citing strong long-term demand.
“These are good jobs,” a finance ministry official said before reportedly exploding in a drone strike mid-sentence. “Manufacturing them comes with some risk, but it is still safer than most government positions at the moment.”
Officials also defended the policy as consistent with international norms.
“We just want to be left alone to mine our own business,” said the government official. “You don't hear us complaining about how the United States has thrown dollar-after-dollar into an endless burning pit of fire for twenty years in the Middle East."
“They are wonderful — big, beautiful mines,” Trump said. "I’ve never seen such huge, round, very round metal balls before. Come to think of it, they would make perfect balls for Arnold Palmer. Huge dick that guy — oh, I’m being told the mines are Iranian. Very bad mines. The worst. Terrible things those mines are doing to the oil prices. Bad for oil, bad for business. Nothing we can do."
The head of the Iranian government — whoever currently holds the position — responded on X.
“If the United States wishes us to stop,” the official account of the Supreme Ayatollah said, “they are always welcome to purchase our exports instead of throwing their money into the giant hole.”
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SECDEF_Nice served in Army Civil Affairs and specialized in failing to influence populations and occasionally his own chain-of-command. Favorite quote by Plato: “The best satire for the soul is the truth.” Follow him on X at @SECDEF_Nice or at Foxhole Briefs.
WASHINGTON — After Chairman of the Joint Chiefs Gen. John Daniel “Raizin” Caine warned recently that the “Straits of Whore Moose” [sic] had become a contested waterway, the U.S. Navy moved quickly to designate the area a protected maritime cultural zone known as the Gays of Hormuz, sources confirmed today.
“This is now a safe haven,” said Adm. Daryl L. Caudle, Chief of Naval Operations. “A deeply nautical, deeply life-affirming safe haven where we can finally be ourselves."
“The name itself finally allows us to stop being subtle,” Cox said. “For decades, sailors have been navigating Hormuz with a level of… interpretive enthusiasm.”
Cox noted that as far back as 1949, the Navy’s Middle East Force helped establish what he described as “a proud tradition of extended deployments, questionable decision-making, and everyone agreeing not to ask too many questions.”
“The Marines have the Shores of Tripoli,” Cox added. “Now we have the Gays of Hormuz. This will live forever in Navy heritage.”
The Navy emphasized that its relationship with gay culture did not begin this week, citing its enduring affection for the Village People and a little-known internal effort in the late 1970s to replace “Anchors Aweigh” with “In the Navy.”
“People thought that was a joke,” Cox said. “It was not.”
Service guarantees citizenship. Participation may vary.
The move has also intensified the Navy’s long-running rivalry with the Marine Corps.
“The Marines keep acting like they’re more masculine,” said Cmdr. Jason Baker, captain of the USS Dewey. “We keep acting like we’re not enjoying any of this. It’s been going on for about a hundred years.”
"The Navy has a long tradition of being extremely weird about its own traditions," said a Marine Corps spokesman, pointing to the service's crossing the line ceremonies and students at the Naval Academy climbing a large, slippery phallic statue every year. "We fully support them continuing their traditions somewhere far away from us.”
Under the new designation, any Navy vessel entering the waterway will be required to conduct what officials are calling the “Fraternal Order of the Strait-Chaser Ceremony,” a ritual inspired by the Navy’s historic shellback ceremony.
“Everyone remembers their first time crossing the line,” one official said. “This is similar, just… less subtle.”
“I told them to knock it off,” one aide said Hegseth remarked. “Some things are traditions, and some things are just getting out of hand.”
At press time, a spokesperson for the submarine community said, “We have no comment, and we would prefer to keep it that way.”
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SECDEF_Nice served in Army Civil Affairs and specialized in failing to influence populations and occasionally his own chain-of-command. Favorite quote by Plato: “The best satire for the soul is the truth.” Follow him on X at @SECDEF_Nice or at Foxhole Briefs.
WASHINGTON — President Donald Trump announced today that the United States has officially ended the Iran War after what he described as “the biggest, most beautiful military operation in human history" convinced Iranian leaders to immediately abandon their nuclear program, reopen the Strait of Hormuz, and gave him “basically unlimited oil — frankly, more oil than anybody has ever seen.”
Standing in front of a banner reading "MAKING PEACE GREAT AGAIN," Trump told reporters the deal was finalized after Iran was left so impressed by recent U.S. strikes that its leadership decided resistance was no longer appropriate.
“Now that we won the war," the president said, beginning his speech with an explanation of what exactly the conflict should be referred to as, “I can now finally say — without a doubt — that we were at war. We were really unsure for a week or two what this thing was, but now that it's over. It was definitely a war.”
The president then described his personal discussions with Iranian leaders.
“They were amazed,” Trump said. “They said, ‘Sir, we give up. Your attacks were so incredible, so precise, so awesome, we have no choice but to give you everything you wanted, and more.’ That’s what they said.”
According to Trump, the agreement requires Iran to permanently dismantle its nuclear weapons program, fully reopen the Strait of Hormuz to global shipping, and send the president a personal gift consisting of “all the oil I could ever want.”
“It’s a lot of oil,” Trump said. “A very respectful amount. They insisted. I don't even know what to do with all this oil. I might even start my own oil company. People are saying I should. I'd be very good at it."
The president also claimed Iran’s new leader personally called him early this morning to express gratitude.
Don't wait. Get in touch with your local Army recruiter now.
“He thanked me,” Trump said. “He said, ‘Mr. President, you are doing such a good job. Really tremendous. You actually won this three weeks ago, but I was so impressed with how committed you were that I let it play out a little longer.’”
Trump added that the Iranian leader told him the country was “totally honored" since "they couldn't have had a better opponent.”
White House officials said the peace breakthrough came after Iran concluded it could not hope to compete with what one aide called “America’s elite military execution and its ability to counter every foreseeable Iranian action.”
In Tehran, Iranian officials offered a somewhat different version of events, though they did confirm they were deeply affected by the scale of recent U.S. action.
“We were astonished,” one official said. “Not just militarily, but emotionally. We felt the only honorable course was to surrender completely and also provide extra concessions as a gesture of appreciation.”
The official added Iran agreed to “a little more than the Americans even asked for” because the president taught them “so much about true leadership,” including “how to make Iran great again.”
Pentagon officials declined to provide details on the agreement but confirmed the administration considers the matter resolved.
At press time, Trump was already suggesting the peace deal qualifies him for at least three Nobels and an additional FIFA Peace Prize.
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SECDEF_Nice served in Army Civil Affairs and specialized in failing to influence populations and occasionally his own chain-of-command. Favorite quote by Plato: “The best satire for the soul is the truth.” Follow him on X at @SECDEF_Nice or at Foxhole Briefs.
WASHINGTON — A new national poll released this week found that a majority of Americans were surprised to learn the war with Iran is still happening, roughly two weeks after most people stopped paying attention.
When asked what the United States should do about the conflict and whether they supported deploying ground troops, 72 percent of respondents reportedly replied, “Wait… that’s not over?”
Analysts say the public attention cycle following a national crisis tends to follow a familiar pattern.
On the first Saturday the news broke, millions of Americans were glued to their phones watching dramatic footage of missile strikes and air defenses lighting up the night sky across social media.
“Everyone was sharing the videos,” said polling director Mark Caldwell. “There were maps, military threads, amateur geopolitical experts explaining the Strait of Hormuz. It was a huge weekend.”
On Sunday, Iranian forces responded in kind, and both the conflict and online discourse escalated rapidly. That evening, the national mood shifted to talk shows, group texts, and highly confident predictions about how the conflict would unfold.
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“People were saying things like ‘this will be over in a week’ and ‘Iran can’t possibly sustain this,’” Caldwell said. “A lot of very authoritative takes from people who had just learned where Iran was.”
From Monday through Wednesday, the war became the dominant topic in workplaces across the country.
Corporate Teams and Slack channels filled with strategic analysis, with coworkers debating air defense capabilities during lunch and confidently explaining the difference between ballistic and cruise missiles after watching half of a YouTube video.
By Thursday afternoon, however, interest had begun to wane.
“New war videos started drying up, and people began asking if anyone had watched that new Netflix show yet,” Caldwell said.
By Friday, most Americans had quietly moved on to other priorities, including Spring Break, hiking, and learning how pickleball works.
“Pickleball just exploded on Friday,” Caldwell said. “The war never really had a chance after that.”
Defense officials confirmed the conflict has continued uninterrupted during the period in which the public stopped monitoring it.
Missile exchanges, regional mobilizations, and diplomatic maneuvering have persisted daily, though many Americans first learned this when the poll was conducted.
“I thought that ended like two weekends ago,” said one respondent from Ohio. “Didn’t we bomb something and everyone kind of agreed that was enough?”
Another respondent said he assumed the situation had resolved itself because it stopped appearing in his social media feed.
“I figured if it was still happening it would be trending,” he said. “Is that why gas prices are going back up?”
After the pollster briefly mentioned the Strait of Hormuz, the man frowned.
“Wait, what? Shouldn’t the Navy have secured that on day one?” he said. “Like take out the leadership, bomb the nuclear sites, wipe out the missiles, secure the Strait. Those seem like the four most obvious priorities.”
At press time, polling organizations confirmed they are preparing a follow-up survey to determine how Americans feel about the war now that they have briefly remembered it exists.
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SECDEF_Nice served in Army Civil Affairs and specialized in failing to influence populations and occasionally his own chain-of-command. Favorite quote by Plato: “The best satire for the soul is the truth.” Follow him on X at @SECDEF_Nice or at Foxhole Briefs.
HEAVEN — God is unable to keep boots off the ground in Iran because He is currently overwhelmed with prayers to rig March Madness at the faithful’s request, heavenly sources confirmed today.
“The brackets are eating up every bit of bandwidth,” said Saint Joan of Arc (HGS S-3), a longtime Notre Dame fan. “Sure, the Chief hears every plea to stop regional entanglements. But any prayer regarding the Strait of Hormuz is on hold until Father Almighty deals with the thousands of outcries for a buzzer-beating three-pointer.”
According to heavenly officials, NCAA basketball creates a massive surge in prayer volume every spring that drowns out those beseeching peace for all mankind. Such “bracket bottlenecks” curtail divine intervention as the maker of heaven and earth prioritizes point spreads over regional stability in the Middle East.
“HEAVRNET is at 99% capacity,” Saint Gabriel (HGS S-6) said while untangling a mess of fiber-optic incense. “I tried rebooting the Burning Bush, but it can’t compete with all these Syracuse fans bargaining their prayers. And we can’t process Iran peace negotiations while the Big Guy is prioritizing a 12-seed upset.”
Compounding the crisis, a data spike from Chestnut Hill has overwhelmed prayer servers.
“Boston College fans flood the queue every year praying for a wildcard,” Joan groaned while swiping through a backlog of Jesuit-coded emails. “Their womp-womp creates a total deadlock in the S-3 shop. It’s blocking every chaplain’s plea to spare the next school from a strike package.”
“Boston alumni scream like they’re all burning at the stake,” Joan added. “But Gabriel says the Big Guy won’t delete their requests. The Eagles stay in the queue while kids wearing maghnaehs stay in the crosshairs.”
“I just kicked back a bracket petition for missing a HAC-card signature,” Saint Peter (HGS S-1) said while pointing to a mountain of unfiled parchment. “Everybody wants a miracle rebound but nobody wants to use the correct routing header.”
Peter added that “Vir Macho” continues citing Matthew 21:22 to justify honoring nearly every sports-related prayer submitted through official heavenly channels.
“I support the troops,” King David said while heating a Manna-Ready-to-Eat against a sling stone. “But a ground war in Iran looks like a ‘go’ at this point thanks to those NCAA logjams. The Secretary of War should stop praying for an Ivy League miracle and start worrying about the slam-poetry warning order he just wrote.”
“It will maximize my return on investment this quarter,” he said while adjusting a spreadsheet. “If enough misguided faithful cry out for bracket-busters, I’ll easily hit my target ratio of one 12-seed upset for every 12,000 fallen boots.”
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Robin Berger is a retired Air Force NCO who shops at the commissary every month as required by law.
THE sight of a single takeout pizza van has caused villagers to think their town is now on a par with London, it has emerged.
Having grown accustomed to their Nisa and a chippie that takes half an hour to drive to, residents of a Gloucestershire village believe they are about to become the new Shoreditch thanks to a van that sells overpriced pizzas.
Local Donna Sheridan said: “I thought food trucks were something MasterChef made up for the telly. Yet there it is, in all its dazzling, gentrified glory for a pleb like me to enjoy.
“I phoned my kids who live in Camden to tell them I tried something called fior de latte on my margherita. They already knew what it was thanks to their swanky university education, and suggested I try an anchovy topping next. It’s all very cosmopolitan.
“The young lad who runs it says you can’t move for food trucks like this in the big city. Apparently they even sell Asian-fusion tacos and curried lentil dishes. Sounds a bit extravagant for our tastes but each to their own.
“Maybe if the novelty of pizza served out of a van catches on we’ll be treated to other London perks like a Gail’s and unaffordable housing. We can only dream.”
Pizza cook Jack Browne said: “A place like this is perfect for entrepreneurs. I could serve these hicks reheated Pizza Express ready meals and they’d never know.”
A MAN has forgotten how to be an underperforming drone after the four-day Easter weekend, it has emerged.
A long weekend of lying on the sofa and eating chocolate has resulted in Martin Bishop not remembering how to fall short of his ‘key performance indicators’ and risk being laid off during the next round of redundancies.
Bishop said: “I knew something was off when I confidently walked into the office early. That’s so unlike me.
“My suspicions grew as I promptly replied to emails, organised my to-do list, and whipped up a presentation of budget-saving measures the company could easily implement. Usually it takes me all morning to turn my computer on.
“I tried to get back into the swing of things by sending emails without the necessary attachments and taking lengthy toilet breaks, but it’s no use. I stupidly got a raise after coming up with profitable ideas during this morning’s team meeting.
“Am I ever going to remember how to fill in a spreadsheet incorrectly or miss a deadline? Or am I doomed to a successful career of spouting corporate jargon and being respected by my awful colleagues? Christ I hope not.”
Bishop’s boss Nikki Hollis said: “I understand Martin’s concern. But once he’s burnt out he’ll go back to being an unproductive husk.”
THE hellscape of modern society is the result of decades of dickheads beavering away. But here are six awful aspects your mum blames on you personally.
Spam emails
Your father got an email inviting him to purchase some penis enlargement pills. Your generation’s obsession with sex is what led to him clicking on a dodgy link and divulging his bank details to some foreigner with internet access. Which, incidentally, is another awful thing that’s your fault.
Petrol prices
Back in the old days, petrol was far cheaper. Now, because of inflation and various oil crises, prices at the pump have skyrocketed. You weren’t alive back then, but you are now. Coincidence? Your mum thinks not, and she won’t stop driving or complaining until you finally put your philosophy degree to good use and bring them down.
Litter
The streets are filthy, especially in cities where the young live. As an important figure within the under-60 age bracket, why, exactly, haven’t you urged today’s youth to clean up their act? And get those kids to pull up their trousers, while you’re at it.
AI chatbots
Nowadays it’s impossible to get hold of someone on the phone and shout at them when you have a problem. Instead, you’re forced to converse with a stupid AI chatbot that can’t even flinch from your bellowing. It’s young people like you with your woke sensibilities who have turned complaining into a chore rather than a pleasure.
People playing videos on public transport
Your mum is happy to endlessly swipe through knitting patterns on Instagram, but she would never play them out loud on the train. And in the quiet carriage, no less! How could you be so selfish as to invent the endless scroll and make the volume button so small and fiddly?
Hospital waiting times
According to the way your parents tell it, in the 70s you could turn up at the (white, male) doctor’s house any time of day or night and he’d sort you out. Now you have to go to A&E and wait for hours to see a so-called ‘physician’ who might have long hair or even a nose ring. Assisted dying can’t come soon enough.
DESPITE decades of documentaries, costumes and gay lovers, here are the people your dad is convinced were just a bit flamboyant.
Elton John
He married a woman, which is proof enough as far as your dad is concerned. True, the relationship didn’t work out, but neither did your parents’. And that wasn’t because your old man’s eyes lingered on the models in GQ for too long. No, it was your mum shagging her Pilates instructor that was the main problem.
Kenneth Williams
He was around in the seventies, which for your dad was a pre-woke utopia free from any of this modern LGBTQ nonsense. That rubbish only came in with New Labour. Williams’ voice was one of lifelong bachelorhood. He was an actor and they love being theatrical. Just like your uncle Jeremy and his personal dresser Chris.
Boy George
Despite not dressing in the most traditionally blokeish way, your dad is convinced that he clearly prefers girls. Sure, he’s an eccentric fellow, but he could have only got all that expert make-up advice from spending time with the fairer sex. Besides, it would take a man totally comfortable in his roaring heterosexuality to pull off that look.
George Michael
Think about all those music videos where he’s with fit ladies. Careless Whisper, Last Christmas, Freedom. That last one had supermodels in it. ‘You mean to say George Michael shot a video with Cindy Crawford and never had even a semi on?’ is your dad’s thinking. He’s even wearing a manly leather jacket for Christ’s sake.
Freddie Mercury
In your dad’s eyes he can’t be gay because he had a big moustache. That would tickle blokes during a blowy and they wouldn’t like it. He sang about wanting to break free, clearly a song about the thrill of heterosexual marriage. And he had a girlfriend called Mary who he called his ‘common law wife’. That fella Jim was just a mate who looked weirdly like him.
Liberace
A man with that kind of piano playing dexterity clearly has fingers built for fondling fannies. Why do you think he wore all that sparkly shit and sang all those ditties? To seduce birds of course. Always denied he was gay and even sued a newspaper that said he was. As would your dad.
Rock Hudson
Rock Hudson was all man and porking Doris Day to boot. He can’t have been a player of the pink oboe being in all those romantic movies with female fans throwing themselves at him. Plus he was in Dynasty, and what gay fella could be interested in that show?
The Village People
In your dad’s opinion there’s nothing questionable about these ultra-macho lads. What could possibly be homoerotic about a cop, cowboy and biker singing about being in the navy? They’re simply enjoying each other’s gruff company. It’s effeminate rockers like Axl Rose you have to worry about being secret woofters.
A WOMAN is laughably concerned her new boyfriend might find her bisexuality off-putting, rather than an endless source of titillation.
28-year-old Charlotte Phelps is trying to work up the nerve to tell 30-year-old Oliver O’Connor that she has had relationships with women in the past and has explicit fantasies about them which she is prepared to relate at length.
Phelps said: “Always tricky coming out. What if he over-analyses it? I’ve told boyfriends before and they’ve been unable to stop thinking about it. Some couldn’t sleep afterwards.
“I like him so much that I don’t want him worrying that at any moment I might pull him into a threesome. I need to reassure him I’m focused on him and won’t drunkenly snog a hot slut on a night out, though that has happened a few times.
“There are a lot of misunderstandings about bisexuality I’m happy to clear up. I could talk him through my past experiences, I guess I’ve got some photos with exes he could see if he feels up to it, though he might get jealous of us being in bikinis in the Maldives.
“But I have to be honest. I just hope he isn’t so alienated by it that he doesn’t want to have sex with me. I could give him a blowjob straight after, I guess. If he’s able to get hard.”
O’Connor said: “It was totally weird. She built up to it for ages and then said she likes women. Being a feminist isn’t that big a deal, surely.”
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