SACRAMENTO, CA—Following an extended series of failed attempts, Friday night’s matchup between the New Orleans Pelicans and the Sacramento Kings reportedly ended with neither team’s players proving able to recover a tipoff.
According to sources in attendance, both the 25-52 Pelicans and the 20-57 Kings failed to gain possession of the opening jump ball and all subsequent tosses, with the basketball caroming out of bounds multiple times before any of the 10 players could get a hand on it. On the 16th attempt, Pelicans center Herbert Jones reportedly stormed out of the building after accusing the referee of throwing the ball “too high,” and opposing center Maxime Raynaud was no longer jumping but rather smiling and politely raising his hand, evidently under the impression that the ball would be given to whoever called for it.
Moments later, with 24 minutes of regulation having been expended in failed opening tip-off attempts, the officiating crew encouraged both teams to regroup for “a fresh start” in the second half, which began with Raynaud accidentally kicking the ball out of bounds before the opening whistle and rolling his ankle in the process.
Though overwhelmed and dejected sources were unable to comprehend the precise series of events that occurred during the remainder of the game, further failed tip-offs were accompanied by an episode in which Kings forward DeMar DeRozan somehow obtained a volleyball, which he then lobbed in the general direction of the Pelicans’ basket for the only shot attempt of the night. Shortly thereafter, referees made the decision to call the contest, as players from both teams had either fallen asleep on the court or wandered off to play a claw machine game in the Golden 1 Center concourse.
At press time, reports confirmed the Sacramento Fire Department had been called to the stadium after a frantic, weeping Zion Williamson had somehow managed to get himself trapped inside the claw machine.
BURBANK, CA—In an effort to determine whether they needed to cease production immediately or if the film’s title simply sounded familiar, Marvel Studios reportedly called an emergency meeting Friday after concerns were raised that they had already made one called Avengers: Doomsday. “All right, gentlemen, quickly—name as many Avengers films as you can,” said company president Kevin Feige, who sat at the head of the table in a packed boardroom as executives shouted out “Infinity Ultron!” and “Deadbolts!” “We’ve already sunk millions and millions of dollars into this thing, so if it turns out we already did an Avengers: Doomsday, well, there’s going to be hell to pay. Okay, everybody look through your emails right now and control-F for ‘doomsday.’” At press time, Feige was overheard saying, “Fuck it, it’s not like anyone gives a shit anyway.”
Zara Larsson, the pop star known for “Lush Life” and “Stateside,” is currently on her 2026 Midnight Sun Tour. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the artist.
Birth Name: Zara Larsson feat. David Guetta
Birthplace: Town Where Everybody Happy All The Time, Sweden
Parents: Lisa Frank (mother), all four members of ABBA (father)
Hair Color: 10,000 lumens
Claim To Fame: Friend’s getting ready playlist
Languages Spoken: Swedish, English, dolphin whistles and clicks
Controversies: Pro-women, anti-genocide leanings
Influences: Beyoncé, Lady Gaga, Nordic Barbie with Fjord-Climbing Action®
Deepest Darkest Secret That Would Destroy Her If It Ever Got Out: Favorite color is gray
“It” Factor That Separates Her From American Pop Stars: Universal healthcare
DENVER—Growing increasingly frantic as the mobs of exuberant preteens flooded from their bunks into the state of Colorado beyond, local Christian camp director Alan Mullins reportedly panicked Friday after noticing his conversion therapy device had been set to reverse. “Dear Lord, they’re just getting more and more theatrical—why isn’t this lever budging?” said a visibly alarmed Mullins, grabbing a crowbar and attempting to pry the handle back towards its conversion position as a swarm of colorfully clad children belting out MUNA’s “One That Got Away” rushed towards his position. “Who knows how many of them are out there now enjoying drag brunches and throwing pride parades in Aurora or Fort Collins. What’s that they’re doing now? Handing out pamphlets for their own production of something called Kinky Boots? Oh God, it’s already too late!” After accidentally breaking off the device’s handle in one last desperate attempt, Mullins reportedly collapsed in despair just as thousands of young people enclosed him in a shower of rainbow glitter.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald Trump has for a long time criticized the concept of birthright citizenship — the idea that U.S. citizenship extends to anyone who was born within the U.S.'s borders. Rather than wait for a Supreme Court decision about it, Trump announced his own legislation titled "Birth-Wrong Citizenship."
It's been all the buzz in the media this week, but only The Babylon Bee has the actual details about the features of President Trump's new White House ballroom.
CAPE CANAVERAL, FL — Russell Patrick has been doing the same job for NASA for over 50 years, though he's gotten little recognition despite the essential service he provides.
In 2014, Malaysia Airlines Flight 370 disappeared without a trace. The world’s been waiting for answers ever since. Now, investigators are closer to uncovering the mystery than ever before, after discovering the official black box audio from MH370.
Malaysian authorities have given ClickHole exclusive rights to this newly uncovered cockpit recording, which you can listen to below, and draw your own conclusions about what happened aboard that fatal flight.
Fair warning, listening to these pilots’ final moments on MH370 is absolutely chilling.
This is so sad. Mom just got a smart fridge, and now it’s cyberbullying her. She definitely doesn’t deserve this—maybe the fridge is just a particularly mean one. Whatever the cause, we really feel for Mom here. This has got to stop.
Country Living Magazine mostly runs emotionally benign content, but there have been five occasions on which it made Mom sob like there was no tomorrow.
1. The time she read an article about how thrift stores don’t always take used blenders
It’s pretty easy to figure out why this one hit Mom so hard—she had just donated a bunch of old kitchen equipment to Goodwill. We tried to reassure her that our blender was in good enough condition that it wouldn’t get thrown out, but she kept wailing, “But how can I know? How can I know?”
2. The time Country Living published 6 brownie recipes with a Christmas twist
Mom is a lapsed Catholic, and she has not put mini candy canes on our brownies to celebrate Christmas in recent memory. We’re not sure whether she found the idea so inspiring that it made her cry, or whether reading about brownies that look like Rudolph made her feel spiritually bereft and alienated from the God of her childhood in a way that broke her down emotionally. Ultimately, she did try making brownies with red and green M&Ms that night, and they were pretty good.
3. The time she couldn’t decide if she needed a capsule wardrobe
A couple years ago, Mom ripped a capsule wardrobe guide out of Country Living, brought it upstairs to her closet, threw out nine different pairs of jeans, and then started wailing. She was found three hours later, gripping the tear-soaked magazine pages as she tried to decide between keeping a 2017 Outrun Breast Cancer 5k shirt and a 2018 Outrun Breast Cancer 5k shirt. She eventually decided that she would offload both on her sister, and ended up getting them back six months later.
4. The time she thought a farmhouse kitchen makeover looked way better before than after
Mom absolutely could not handle the giant sink and bright white cabinetry some family in Ohio put in a kitchen that, according to Mom, had been “gorgeous” before. It’s possible she was jealous, because we saw her the next week holding up white paint chips to our wooden cabinets in a contemplative manner. Either way, she cried over this article for about 30 minutes before Dad came in and put on Dancing With The Stars to cheer her up.
5. The time Country Living said faux plants were dated
This was a little out of pocket of Country Living, to be honest. They put fake plants on a list of decor mistakes that instantly age your home, and it hit Mom right in the heart. She cried, put our fake ficus by the door to be thrown out, brought the fake ficus back, and ended up giving the fake ficus an even more prominent place in the living room, possibly to make up for almost getting rid of it. She cried the whole time. Thanks a lot, Country Living!
Get ready for an inspiring story that is sure to restore your faith in humanity: This woman just slowed her pace down a little as she passed an extremely old man on the sidewalk so he doesn’t feel as slow.
What a beautiful gesture!
Despite the fact that 29-year-old Kim Brailey typically walks at a fairly fast pace, when she came upon an elderly man making his way down the sidewalk, she didn’t just speed around him. Although she was running late for her Barre workout class (an activity that this man most certainly would not be physically capable of), she took great care to avoid humiliating him with her young person speed by gently stepping around him, even adding a polite “good afternoon” as she did, rather than an “excuse me.”
And if that weren’t already enough to convince you that the younger generations truly have manners, Kim even maintained her slowerpace until she was at least 10 feet ahead of the man so that he couldn’t see what she was doing, even though he was only looking at the ground right in front of him to avoid falling down.
So incredible! The world would easily be a better place if everyone took Kim’s approach to life! Share if you agree this story made your day.
The internet is currently on fire after one of the most iconic celebrities in the United States just gave the world a peek behind the curtain of his public persona: Pikachu just said “divorced Pikachu.”
Absolutely shocking. This is a rare glimpse into the personal life of one of the most private Pokémon in America.
Pikachu made his earth-shaking revelation yesterday evening while walking the red carpet at a charity auction at the Georgia O’Keefe Museum in Sante Fe to raise money for Charizard, who is recovering from injuries he sustained when his tour van crashed in Michigan last month. While ABC’s George Pennacchio was interviewing Ryan Gosling about his recent film, Project Hail Mary, Pikachu grabbed the mic and said, “Divorced Pikachu” before going inside the museum.
That one fateful statement has immediately set off a wildfire of rumors and speculation that all is not well in Casa De Pikachu.
While Pikachu has become a global megastar from his appearances in Pokémon video games, movies, and television series, up until now the electric-type mouse Pokémon had rarely divulged details about his home life or family. Most of Pikachu’s public statements were either him shouting his own name, or a shortened version of it such as “Pika” or “Pi,” which left gossip bloggers grasping at straws as they tried to find out any juicy details about what went on with him when he went home after a long day of killing other Pokémon.
But by saying, “Divorced Pikachu,” Pikachu is making one thing clear to everyone: His marriage is over.
“We tend to view Pikachu as a larger-than-life celebrity who does nothing but electrocute other Pokémon and sometimes try to murder Mario and Samus, but when he said ‘Divorced Pikachu’ it was a reminder that Pikachu is just like everybody else,” New York Times columnist Thomas Friedman wrote in a recent op-ed. “Even though it might feel like we know Pikachu because we see him on TV, the real Pikachu is a complex thunder mouse with his own personal problems and hidden tragedies.”
While internet sleuths are desperately trying to discover the identity of Pikachu’s now-ex-wife or uncover the details that led to the end of the marriage, Pikachu himself has largely declined to fill in the blanks for the drama-hungry public. When reporters from TMZ approached him for further comment, he attacked them with Electro Web. But even if we don’t know all the sordid details yet, this is still stunning information. Here’s hoping Pikachu is able to pick up the pieces in the wake of his divorce and is able to find love again! We can’t wait until Pikachu says “Remarried Pikachu” someday soon!
WASHINGTON — After Chairman of the Joint Chiefs Gen. John Daniel “Raizin” Caine warned recently that the “Straits of Whore Moose” [sic] had become a contested waterway, the U.S. Navy moved quickly to designate the area a protected maritime cultural zone known as the Gays of Hormuz, sources confirmed today.
“This is now a safe haven,” said Adm. Daryl L. Caudle, Chief of Naval Operations. “A deeply nautical, deeply life-affirming safe haven where we can finally be ourselves."
“The name itself finally allows us to stop being subtle,” Cox said. “For decades, sailors have been navigating Hormuz with a level of… interpretive enthusiasm.”
Cox noted that as far back as 1949, the Navy’s Middle East Force helped establish what he described as “a proud tradition of extended deployments, questionable decision-making, and everyone agreeing not to ask too many questions.”
“The Marines have the Shores of Tripoli,” Cox added. “Now we have the Gays of Hormuz. This will live forever in Navy heritage.”
The Navy emphasized that its relationship with gay culture did not begin this week, citing its enduring affection for the Village People and a little-known internal effort in the late 1970s to replace “Anchors Aweigh” with “In the Navy.”
“People thought that was a joke,” Cox said. “It was not.”
Service guarantees citizenship. Participation may vary.
The move has also intensified the Navy’s long-running rivalry with the Marine Corps.
“The Marines keep acting like they’re more masculine,” said Cmdr. Jason Baker, captain of the USS Dewey. “We keep acting like we’re not enjoying any of this. It’s been going on for about a hundred years.”
"The Navy has a long tradition of being extremely weird about its own traditions," said a Marine Corps spokesman, pointing to the service's crossing the line ceremonies and students at the Naval Academy climbing a large, slippery phallic statue every year. "We fully support them continuing their traditions somewhere far away from us.”
Under the new designation, any Navy vessel entering the waterway will be required to conduct what officials are calling the “Fraternal Order of the Strait-Chaser Ceremony,” a ritual inspired by the Navy’s historic shellback ceremony.
“Everyone remembers their first time crossing the line,” one official said. “This is similar, just… less subtle.”
“I told them to knock it off,” one aide said Hegseth remarked. “Some things are traditions, and some things are just getting out of hand.”
At press time, a spokesperson for the submarine community said, “We have no comment, and we would prefer to keep it that way.”
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SECDEF_Nice served in Army Civil Affairs and specialized in failing to influence populations and occasionally his own chain-of-command. Favorite quote by Plato: “The best satire for the soul is the truth.” Follow him on X at @SECDEF_Nice or at Foxhole Briefs.
WASHINGTON — President Donald Trump announced today that the United States has officially ended the Iran War after what he described as “the biggest, most beautiful military operation in human history" convinced Iranian leaders to immediately abandon their nuclear program, reopen the Strait of Hormuz, and gave him “basically unlimited oil — frankly, more oil than anybody has ever seen.”
Standing in front of a banner reading "MAKING PEACE GREAT AGAIN," Trump told reporters the deal was finalized after Iran was left so impressed by recent U.S. strikes that its leadership decided resistance was no longer appropriate.
“Now that we won the war," the president said, beginning his speech with an explanation of what exactly the conflict should be referred to as, “I can now finally say — without a doubt — that we were at war. We were really unsure for a week or two what this thing was, but now that it's over. It was definitely a war.”
The president then described his personal discussions with Iranian leaders.
“They were amazed,” Trump said. “They said, ‘Sir, we give up. Your attacks were so incredible, so precise, so awesome, we have no choice but to give you everything you wanted, and more.’ That’s what they said.”
According to Trump, the agreement requires Iran to permanently dismantle its nuclear weapons program, fully reopen the Strait of Hormuz to global shipping, and send the president a personal gift consisting of “all the oil I could ever want.”
“It’s a lot of oil,” Trump said. “A very respectful amount. They insisted. I don't even know what to do with all this oil. I might even start my own oil company. People are saying I should. I'd be very good at it."
The president also claimed Iran’s new leader personally called him early this morning to express gratitude.
Don't wait. Get in touch with your local Army recruiter now.
“He thanked me,” Trump said. “He said, ‘Mr. President, you are doing such a good job. Really tremendous. You actually won this three weeks ago, but I was so impressed with how committed you were that I let it play out a little longer.’”
Trump added that the Iranian leader told him the country was “totally honored" since "they couldn't have had a better opponent.”
White House officials said the peace breakthrough came after Iran concluded it could not hope to compete with what one aide called “America’s elite military execution and its ability to counter every foreseeable Iranian action.”
In Tehran, Iranian officials offered a somewhat different version of events, though they did confirm they were deeply affected by the scale of recent U.S. action.
“We were astonished,” one official said. “Not just militarily, but emotionally. We felt the only honorable course was to surrender completely and also provide extra concessions as a gesture of appreciation.”
The official added Iran agreed to “a little more than the Americans even asked for” because the president taught them “so much about true leadership,” including “how to make Iran great again.”
Pentagon officials declined to provide details on the agreement but confirmed the administration considers the matter resolved.
At press time, Trump was already suggesting the peace deal qualifies him for at least three Nobels and an additional FIFA Peace Prize.
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SECDEF_Nice served in Army Civil Affairs and specialized in failing to influence populations and occasionally his own chain-of-command. Favorite quote by Plato: “The best satire for the soul is the truth.” Follow him on X at @SECDEF_Nice or at Foxhole Briefs.
WASHINGTON — A new national poll released this week found that a majority of Americans were surprised to learn the war with Iran is still happening, roughly two weeks after most people stopped paying attention.
When asked what the United States should do about the conflict and whether they supported deploying ground troops, 72 percent of respondents reportedly replied, “Wait… that’s not over?”
Analysts say the public attention cycle following a national crisis tends to follow a familiar pattern.
On the first Saturday the news broke, millions of Americans were glued to their phones watching dramatic footage of missile strikes and air defenses lighting up the night sky across social media.
“Everyone was sharing the videos,” said polling director Mark Caldwell. “There were maps, military threads, amateur geopolitical experts explaining the Strait of Hormuz. It was a huge weekend.”
On Sunday, Iranian forces responded in kind, and both the conflict and online discourse escalated rapidly. That evening, the national mood shifted to talk shows, group texts, and highly confident predictions about how the conflict would unfold.
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“People were saying things like ‘this will be over in a week’ and ‘Iran can’t possibly sustain this,’” Caldwell said. “A lot of very authoritative takes from people who had just learned where Iran was.”
From Monday through Wednesday, the war became the dominant topic in workplaces across the country.
Corporate Teams and Slack channels filled with strategic analysis, with coworkers debating air defense capabilities during lunch and confidently explaining the difference between ballistic and cruise missiles after watching half of a YouTube video.
By Thursday afternoon, however, interest had begun to wane.
“New war videos started drying up, and people began asking if anyone had watched that new Netflix show yet,” Caldwell said.
By Friday, most Americans had quietly moved on to other priorities, including Spring Break, hiking, and learning how pickleball works.
“Pickleball just exploded on Friday,” Caldwell said. “The war never really had a chance after that.”
Defense officials confirmed the conflict has continued uninterrupted during the period in which the public stopped monitoring it.
Missile exchanges, regional mobilizations, and diplomatic maneuvering have persisted daily, though many Americans first learned this when the poll was conducted.
“I thought that ended like two weekends ago,” said one respondent from Ohio. “Didn’t we bomb something and everyone kind of agreed that was enough?”
Another respondent said he assumed the situation had resolved itself because it stopped appearing in his social media feed.
“I figured if it was still happening it would be trending,” he said. “Is that why gas prices are going back up?”
After the pollster briefly mentioned the Strait of Hormuz, the man frowned.
“Wait, what? Shouldn’t the Navy have secured that on day one?” he said. “Like take out the leadership, bomb the nuclear sites, wipe out the missiles, secure the Strait. Those seem like the four most obvious priorities.”
At press time, polling organizations confirmed they are preparing a follow-up survey to determine how Americans feel about the war now that they have briefly remembered it exists.
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SECDEF_Nice served in Army Civil Affairs and specialized in failing to influence populations and occasionally his own chain-of-command. Favorite quote by Plato: “The best satire for the soul is the truth.” Follow him on X at @SECDEF_Nice or at Foxhole Briefs.
HEAVEN — God is unable to keep boots off the ground in Iran because He is currently overwhelmed with prayers to rig March Madness at the faithful’s request, heavenly sources confirmed today.
“The brackets are eating up every bit of bandwidth,” said Saint Joan of Arc (HGS S-3), a longtime Notre Dame fan. “Sure, the Chief hears every plea to stop regional entanglements. But any prayer regarding the Strait of Hormuz is on hold until Father Almighty deals with the thousands of outcries for a buzzer-beating three-pointer.”
According to heavenly officials, NCAA basketball creates a massive surge in prayer volume every spring that drowns out those beseeching peace for all mankind. Such “bracket bottlenecks” curtail divine intervention as the maker of heaven and earth prioritizes point spreads over regional stability in the Middle East.
“HEAVRNET is at 99% capacity,” Saint Gabriel (HGS S-6) said while untangling a mess of fiber-optic incense. “I tried rebooting the Burning Bush, but it can’t compete with all these Syracuse fans bargaining their prayers. And we can’t process Iran peace negotiations while the Big Guy is prioritizing a 12-seed upset.”
Compounding the crisis, a data spike from Chestnut Hill has overwhelmed prayer servers.
“Boston College fans flood the queue every year praying for a wildcard,” Joan groaned while swiping through a backlog of Jesuit-coded emails. “Their womp-womp creates a total deadlock in the S-3 shop. It’s blocking every chaplain’s plea to spare the next school from a strike package.”
“Boston alumni scream like they’re all burning at the stake,” Joan added. “But Gabriel says the Big Guy won’t delete their requests. The Eagles stay in the queue while kids wearing maghnaehs stay in the crosshairs.”
“I just kicked back a bracket petition for missing a HAC-card signature,” Saint Peter (HGS S-1) said while pointing to a mountain of unfiled parchment. “Everybody wants a miracle rebound but nobody wants to use the correct routing header.”
Peter added that “Vir Macho” continues citing Matthew 21:22 to justify honoring nearly every sports-related prayer submitted through official heavenly channels.
“I support the troops,” King David said while heating a Manna-Ready-to-Eat against a sling stone. “But a ground war in Iran looks like a ‘go’ at this point thanks to those NCAA logjams. The Secretary of War should stop praying for an Ivy League miracle and start worrying about the slam-poetry warning order he just wrote.”
“It will maximize my return on investment this quarter,” he said while adjusting a spreadsheet. “If enough misguided faithful cry out for bracket-busters, I’ll easily hit my target ratio of one 12-seed upset for every 12,000 fallen boots.”
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Robin Berger is a retired Air Force NCO who shops at the commissary every month as required by law.
WASHINGTON — Secretary of War Pete Hegseth appeared visibly confused Tuesday after discovering that the phrase “fuck around and find out,” which he frequently uses on television to describe America's enemies, apparently applies to him as well.
The revelation came during a Pentagon briefing as the conflict with Iran entered what officials described as “its second week of not ending in a week.”
“Look, this will be over in seven days,” Hegseth said at the outset of the conflict, speaking with the confidence of a platoon leader who never developed a campaign plan. “You drop some bombs, hit a few Ayatollahs, and the people will just walk into the street and scream ‘you’ve been cancelled’ at the Iranian regime.”
Two weeks later, Iranian missiles are striking targets across the region, oil markets are in chaos, tankers are exploding in the Strait of Hormuz, and the Pentagon has begun using the phrase “dynamic operational environment,” which officials confirmed loosely translates to “we may have fucked around a bit too much and are now finding out.”
One aide said Hegseth was “particularly surprised” Iran did not immediately surrender after several days of strikes.
“The Secretary believed if we just air-war the shit out of them, they would quickly realize the United States puts the ‘dom’ in air dominance,” said Joe Kasper, a special government employee brought in by Hegseth.
Complicating matters has been Hegseth’s repeated description of the conflict as a “spiritual struggle,” which has created awkward moments among U.S. allies.
“The messaging about a holy war has been… difficult,” said one State Department diplomat. “Especially considering many of our partners are, by sheer coincidence, Muslim.”
The State Department has attempted to walk back the remarks as a translation issue.
“Holy war? No,” one official said. “He meant… war of good versus evil. Totally different.”
Diplomats said several allied governments responded with what one official described as “a long, uncomfortable pause, but in Arabic.”
The meeting reportedly ended with U.S. officials pleading with Gulf partners not to expel American forces.
A WOMAN is laughably concerned her new boyfriend might find her bisexuality off-putting, rather than an endless source of titillation.
28-year-old Charlotte Phelps is trying to work up the nerve to tell 30-year-old Oliver O’Connor that she has had relationships with women in the past and has explicit fantasies about them which she is prepared to relate at length.
Phelps said: “Always tricky coming out. What if he over-analyses it? I’ve told boyfriends before and they’ve been unable to stop thinking about it. Some couldn’t sleep afterwards.
“I like him so much that I don’t want him worrying that at any moment I might pull him into a threesome. I need to reassure him I’m focused on him and won’t drunkenly snog a hot slut on a night out, though that has happened a few times.
“There are a lot of misunderstandings about bisexuality I’m happy to clear up. I could talk him through my past experiences, I guess I’ve got some photos with exes he could see if he feels up to it, though he might get jealous of us being in bikinis in the Maldives.
“But I have to be honest. I just hope he isn’t so alienated by it that he doesn’t want to have sex with me. I could give him a blowjob straight after, I guess. If he’s able to get hard.”
O’Connor said: “It was totally weird. She built up to it for ages and then said she likes women. Being a feminist isn’t that big a deal, surely.”
SCIENTISTS have discovered consuming pasta shaped like the male genitalia heightens sexual desire and boosts bedroom performance by 150 per cent.
The shaped pasta, commonly given as a gift at hen nights, is not the cheap, easy gag it is too often treated as but is actually nature’s most powerful aphrodisiac.
Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “Most households have a pack of penis pasta buried deep in a kitchen cupboard. If only they knew they were sitting on the secret to sexual fulfilment.
“For 98 per cent of participants, a large serving of the dong-shaped card in a silky butternut squash sauce made them feel not bloated but extraordinarily horny. Indeed, they attempted to seduce the observing researcher by flashing their tits.
“A serving at every meal would make ours a nation of lovers, barely putting the pan in to soak before three-hour lovemaking sessions taking them to new realms of pleasure.”
Nikki Hollis, who participated in the study, confirmed the phallic Italian delicacy has transformed her marriage. She said: “Something about looking at a big bowl of dicks and then putting them in my mouth got me, weirdly, thinking about sex.
“Forget oysters. Forget dark chocolate and chilli peppers. The key to passionate sex and multiple orgasms is penis pasta.”
Husband Nathan said: “I’m sure she’s right, but I can’t eat any in case it makes me gay.”
FATHERHOOD is the most important experience a man will have in his life, apart from 100 per centing GTAV, but it can be harrowing. These men scored small, humiliating victories:
Joseph Turner, 43-year-old father of three
“I’d nipped into Sainsbury’s for bread while the family waited in the car, and impulsively treated myself to a Krispy Kreme donut. Realising they could see me through the glass and it would spark war, I headed purposefully to the toilet where I munched away, ignoring the waft of strangers’ urine and curious looks wondering if this was a gay thing.”
Oliver O’Connor, 39-year-old father of two
“Every Sunday morning, I stand on a freezing field hungover cheering my son on in his under-sevens football game, which I enrolled him in like a f**king dickhead. But for the last two months I’ve secretly had an earbud in to listen to a podcast about gangsters. And nobody has any idea I’ve made an awful ordeal very slightly more tolerable!”
Jack Browne, 32-year-old father of two
“Realising my peaceful sojourns in the bathroom were the best parts of my day, I embarked on an epic deception to convince my family I had IBS. Took ten months of clutching my stomach but now I get 15 uninterrupted minutes in the room where everyone defecates, no questions asked. Though my wife is now nagging me to cut out gluten.”
James Bates, 47-year-old father of two
“As a supportive partner I insist my wife has a monthly girls’ night where she gets together with her friends. The minute she’s gone I shove a pizza in, get the kids in bed at record pace and spend a full evening luxuriating on the sofa watching whatever shite action movie Netflix has to offer. Is she having an affair? I couldn’t care less.”
Will McKay, 32-year-old father of one
“I’m a member of a pub quiz team who never misses a week, or so my family thinks. In reality the quiz goes on without me while I sit and drink alone in the corner, sometimes sobbing a little at the sheer bliss of nobody screaming ‘where are the wipes?’ at me or watching Waffle the Wonder Dog. Last week I bought myself a trophy to allay suspicion.”
Wayne Hayes, 53-year-old father of four
“Last week I went to sort out the garage, made myself a bed of cardboard boxes and slept under a tarpaulin for four hours undisturbed. It was so wonderfully like being homeless I can’t stop thinking about how I’ll do it again this bank holiday, but now we’ve got to go out to a f**king National Trust. It will cost me a hundred pounds.”
A BRIDE and groom are so thrilled with themselves they have stolen a nationally-mandated four-day weekend of freedom from more than 100 people.
The couple agreed their desire not to f**k other people is so powerful it necessitated a three-night hotel stay with meals and expensive activities for friends and relatives to resentfully endure.
Bride Eleanor Shaw said: “We really wanted to make it an occasion. That’s why there were hen and stag dinners yesterday, a marquee party today, the actual wedding tomorrow and the pagan ceremony on Monday so no sneaking off early.
“That way, people who will never see each other again really get chance to bond, cementing how amazing our partnership is. Why wouldn’t the best man’s plus one want to really get to know my Auntie Sara?
“Four whole days to stretch out and luxuriate in our wedded bliss. What could be a better, more memorable way to spend four days off work? Beats the usual lie-in, afternoon drinking and a wank any day.”
Friend Joshua Hudson said: “I worked with a man and we got on well. For that crime I am sentenced to this. It’s the price of a mini-break in Valetta, but for fully three Premier Inn continental breakfasts in a row.
“You really forget how much fun it is to sit with the same couple you hated on the Friday right through until the Sunday, in various stages of hungover while yearning to be at home trimming a hedge.”
CHILDREN are disturbing heavy-drinking adults at their serious work of getting shitfaced, so should they be given pubs of their own?
Nikki Hollis, stenographer: “Aw, imagine how cute that would be. Their innocent little intoxicated faces.”
Carolyn Ryan, shipping consultant: “We know drinking from 13 was fine, as evidenced by the 1970s. So let’s begin there and move slowly backwards.”
Steve Malley, divorce promotions officer: “I wouldn’t sell them liquor. Unless they’d recently been dumped by their year seven girlfriend in which case I’d serve them neat whisky while they unburdened themselves to me late into the night.”
Norman Steele, toy reseller: “I’m 59, was at a city centre bar yesterday, and I promise you kids already f**king have their own pubs.”
Helen Archer, lecturer: “We’ll make sure no BBC presenters are drinking in them, right?”
Back in 1984, on Alex Trebek’s second day as the host of Jeopardy, a question (or should that be an answer?) caused a bit of a pile-up at the finish line, resulting in three disappointed contestants who accidentally entered the game show hall of fame. Watch what happened, and see if you would have got […]
Last week, Eric Trump breathlessly revealed plans for the Donald J Trump Presidential Library, a suitably tacky monument to his dad complete with a huge golden statue of the man himself. It was, of course, comprehensively and deservedly mocked on Twitter. And now the ridicule has been ratcheted up to the max, thanks to this […]
To the world of Threads now, where they’ve been sharing the craziest things people said to them during sex after @lerrad1 asked, – you’ll never guess – this. View on Threads The answers came thick and fast and it’s fair to say these 18 stood out from all the rest. 1. View on Threads 2. […]
If ever there was a time to return to this ‘best ever’ description of Donald Trump then it’s surely this. It was penned a few years back by Nate White, who describes himself on Twitter as a ‘British Buddhist. Rawlsian liberal. Mostly harmless.’ And if was true when White wrote it, it is surely even […]
Finding the right person when dating is practically impossible. After all, meeting an attractive, witty, charming person is difficult, let alone whether or not they’re into you as well. It gets even more complicated when you factor in shallow preferences. We may not like to admit it, but we all have superficial tastes in certain […]
In today's world, where information is readily available at our fingertips, it is important to be vigilant about the content we consume, especially when it comes to popular culture like Hollywood and Bollywood movies. Misinformation can easily spread through various channels, including social media, blogs, and news outlets. Developing critical thinking skills is crucial to sift through the noise and discern the truth from the falsehood.
