The International Olympic Committee banned transgender women from female events at the upcoming 2028 Los Angeles Olympics and future games, with the IOC also confirming that all athletes wanting to compete in the female category will have to undergo a one-off screening to detect their biological sex. What do you think?

“That should shorten future Joe Rogan episodes by about an hour and a half.”

Josue Corrales, Duct Installer

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“The Olympics are just a social construct.”

Maggie Paulik, Carrot Pickler

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“Take that, nuanced issue.”

Bo Luebben, Chipmunk Tamer

The post Olympics Bans Trans Athletes From Women’s Events appeared first on The Onion.

NASA will repurpose components from a scrapped space station to construct a $20 billion ‌base on the moon’s surface over the next seven years, opting to focus on infrastructure that supports sustained operations on the lunar surface. What do you think?

“That $20 billion could be better spent building moon bases in disadvantaged communities.”

Irena McGrath, Resource Funneler

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“I support anything that makes a good Popular Mechanics illustration.”

Tristan Winslet, Wiring Expert

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“No way the moon’s zoned for that.”

Owen Blair, Microwave Optimizer

The post NASA To Build $20 Billion Moon Base appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON—To announce that his decades-long project to revolutionize modern oncology was nearing fruition, Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. held a press conference Friday in which he stated that he was only six animal penises away from curing cancer. “After major breakthroughs in obtaining the penises of a manatee, an armadillo, and a pygmy jerboa, I’m pleased to announce that my experimental anticancer elixir is mere weeks away from completion,” said Kennedy, adding that he expected the warehouse in which he stored thousands of unrefrigerated animal penises for his work to prove as significant to human civilization as the laboratory in which Alexander Fleming discovered penicillin. “Early death and painful chemotherapy will be a thing of the past as soon as I can get my hands on a Przewalski’s horse penis and a few others to complement the raccoon, marmoset, and blue whale penises I’ve already secured. Then it’s just a matter of stirring them together in a big pot and distributing this lifesaving medicine to hospitals across the country. I urge anyone who finds a roadkill echidna to contact me immediately so I can retrieve its penis before natural scavengers do. Millions of human lives hang in the balance.” At press time, witnesses reported seeing Kennedy dutifully raise a cleaver above his head after he realized the final animal penis he needed to end cancer was his own.

The post RFK Jr.: ‘I Am 6 Animal Penises Away From Curing Cancer’ appeared first on The Onion.

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VATICAN CITY — Pope Leo boldly proclaimed today that God does not listen to the prayers of those who wage war, so long as you don't count King David, or Joshua, or Gideon, or Samson, or Elijah, or Hezekiah, or any of those other people in the Bible.

U.S. - In a new milestone for Major League Baseball, every single inning of a game was aired on a different streaming platform.

This is fantastic news: Trader Joe’s just raised their parking lot speed limit to 70 mph! No longer will we have to limit ourselves to cruising their parking lots at barely 50—we can finally go as fast as we need to. This just made grocery shopping 100x better!

If you are a man, get ready to stand up and cheer, because one of the most important clothing stores in the world just announced a game-changing new policy that’s going to make your life more incredible than ever before: Men’s Wearhouse will now let you have your suit fitted while under anesthesia!

Fuck. Yes. Looks like men finally have something to celebrate!

For generations, men have had to suffer through endless suit fittings while fully conscious, experiencing every excruciating second as a tailor dragged tape measures all over their thighs and shoulders. That living nightmare is about to become a thing of the past, however, because starting today, Men’s Wearhouse is now offering their customers an IV drip of general anesthesia that will keep them in a drug-induced state of total unconsciousness while their team of expert tailors measures their dimensions to fit them for their world-class suits. 

There’s literally never been a better time to be a man!

“For generations, Men’s Wearhouses across the country were filled with the sounds of men shrieking in agony as they were poked and prodded with invasive measuring tools and excruciating chalks, but no longer,” said Men’s Wearhouse CEO Peter Sachse, who said he made the decision to provide anesthesia to shoppers after witnessing a man begging for death while getting fitted for a Kenneth Cole Chillflex suit last year. “From here on out, you’ll walk into a Men’s Wearhouse, enter a medically-induced state of oblivion, and wake up to a perfectly fitted suit. We don’t live in Medieval times anymore, and this was long overdue.”

If you hear the sound of millions of people applauding outside your window right now, it’s probably all the men in America celebrating this major W, one that’s been long overdue and is one of the biggest steps toward living in a perfect society that has ever been taken. We can’t wait to head down to the nearest Men’s Wearhouse and slip into painless oblivion while we get fitted for our next formal occasion. Other clothing companies, take note: this is how you’re supposed to treat men!

Hello, everyone. Jeffrey Epstein here. You’ve probably heard about my emails. I was recently hacked by the Department of Justice, who published my entire inbox for the public to ogle (DOJ? More like TMZ…). Welp. 

I cannot stop you from gossiping over my private correspondences and making your own presumptions about who I am and what I stand for. But I can speak for myself — and as an independent thinker, who’s never been afraid to go against the grain of popular consensus, ‘speaking for myself’ usually means expressing views that are guaranteed to polarize. “Wait, how can Mr. Epstein speak for himself if he died in 2019?” you must be wondering. Well, boy oh boy, have I come to ClickHole.com with some news for you:

I, Jeffrey Epstein, am not only alive, but I also have a subway take that is going to piss off a lot of people. 

If Subway Takes existed before I went to jail or faked my own death in jail, let me assure you: I, Jeffrey Epstein would’ve been on it, and my hot take would’ve broken the Internet. My subway take is so scorching hot that it would’ve gotten me murdered in jail for real. But alas. Kareem Rahma’s subway program only began long, long after I could be a guest on it without raising questions. So, unfortunately, I’ve never had an opportunity to share my scorched earth hot take…until now. Because I no longer give a damn if the world knows I’m alive after all, and the world will soon be too preoccupied with the discourse my subway take starts to give a damn that I’m actually alive anyway.

Are you ready to hear the late Jeffrey Epstein’s subway take? You may think you are, but you’re really, really not. 

First, allow me to set the scene, so you can experience my subway take as you would if Kareem Rahma invited me, Jeffrey Epstein, who is currently alive and well (correct), on his Internet talk show program. Close your eyes: Imagine Kareem Rahma and me sitting on the L train. It’s rush hour. The train is very, very crowded. Everyone is staring at me, wondering if their eyes are deceiving them. I return their stares with a wink. Mr. Rahma raises his MetroCard microphone to his lips. He looks me, Jeffrey Epstein, in the eyes, and asks, “So, what’s your take?” I raise my MetroCard microphone to my lips. I smirk. And then, I deliver the subway take to end all subway takes:

“I love destination weddings. Love ‘em. I don’t care how much the travel costs, or how much time I have to take off of work. I’m going. Give me a reason to travel and see new places! Like, your wedding’s in a beautiful foreign country? Great! I’ve probably never been! I literally had no good reason to go, and now I have an incredible one! I might even stay a whole week after the wedding to explore! And if I have friends or family that were invited too, we get to spend time together in a wonderful, exotic place? Even better. How often do you have an excuse to do that? What a gift. What a special gift. People who whine about destination weddings are the same people who whine about going to weddings in general, and those people are boring, miserable, they have no sense of romance, and they’re honestly a waste of a wedding invite. Dang, you have to rent a beautiful suit or dress to celebrate someone you love on the best day of their life? Poor you. That’s money you could be spending on important stuff, like…DoorDash? Netflix? Amazon crap? Get over yourself, cheap-o! It’s love, baby: lean in and live a little! This is what life’s all about!”

Kareem Rahma immediately nods and says he agrees with me, Jeffrey Epstein.

Well, there you have it. I, Jeffrey Epstein, am alive, and everyone’s mad at me all over again because no one can handle an actual hot take. Hey, you can call me out of touch or over-privileged, but you can’t say that I’m afraid to speak my mind or that I’m dead. What can I say? I’m just a hyper-opinionated Jewish-American Prince from Brooklyn who is very much alive, contrary to popular belief. You’re welcome for all the engagement I just scored you, Subway Takes!

Several times in NASA’s history, the organization has attempted to put a urinal on the moon. Sadly, these missions have not all been successful. In fact, many have ended in complete disaster for everyone involved. However, sometimes they have also managed to pull it off. It’s a mixed bag for the folks at NASA. Here are six NASA missions to put a urinal on the moon that ended in disaster and two that ended in success.

1. Mission Name: Cloacina 1

Mission Date: July 29, 1958

Mission Status: Failure

On the first day that NASA began operating, aerospace engineers from the organization gathered at Cape Canaveral to launch Cloacina 1, a mission named after the Roman goddess of sewers. The goal of the mission was to put a urinal on the moon in order to “figure out if the moon likes when that happens.” No rockets had been built yet, so NASA engineers paid a local body builder to throw the urinal as high as he could into the sky and hope that it landed on the moon. Unfortunately, the bodybuilder was only able to throw the urinal about a mile into the sky before it fell back down to Earth and crushed the smartest scientist in the world, whose name nobody remembers. The loss of the very smart scientist set the space program back years.

2. Mission Name: Cloacina 2

Mission Date: July 30, 1958

Mission Status: Failure

Showcasing the organization’s trademark resilience and perseverance in the face of tragedy, NASA engineers reconvened at Cape Canaveral the very next day to launch the Cloacina 2 mission. While this mission employed much of the same basic technology as the failed Cloacina 1 mission front he previous day, including the bodybuilder, NASA engineers also attempted to increase the likelihood of success by taping a balloon and a gun to the urinal, and also painting a bright red racing stripe on it. Despite these modifications to the urinal, however, the bodybuilder was only able to hurl it into the lower mesosphere before it plummeted back to Earth, flattening both the newly appointed smartest scientist in the world along with the most handsome man in the United States. Following the failure of Cloacina 2, the bodybuilder was sentenced to 30 years in prison for being so bad at space travel.

3. Mission Name: Zeus Of Piss 2

Mission Date: April 19, 1965

Mission Status: Failure

The first Zeus Of Piss mission, Zeus Of Piss 1, involved astronauts looking at a picture of the moon while taking a piss on Earth. Zeus Of Piss 1 was a resounding success, and NASA proved that it was possible for humans to think about the moon while taking a piss on Earth without suffering any negative physical consequences outside of a minor nosebleed. The next year, NASA attempted Zeus Of Piss 2, a mission designed to learn if it was possible for humans to think about the Earth while taking a piss on the moon. In order to do this, they needed to get a urinal onto the moon. Unfortunately, the unmanned spacecraft carrying the urinal that NASA launched into space never made it to the moon because NASA had made the mistake, common in the early days of space travel, of simply pointing the rocket in the general direction of the moon in the night sky and firing it straight into the air. It wasn’t until the Zeus Of Piss 2 spacecraft flew past the moon, missing it by over 450,000 miles, that NASA realized that this “point and launch” method of space travel was ineffective.

4. Mission Name: Apollo 11

Mission Date: July 16, 1969

Mission Status: Success

In 1969, NASA finally achieved its dream of putting a urinal on the moon. Astronauts Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin successfully landed on the moon and installed a fully functioning urinal. As Armstrong took the first human piss on the lunar surface in history, he famously said, “That’s one big foot of my own, and everyone’s jumping up and down.” Those immortal words will forever be associated with the first time a man took a piss on the moon. Michael Collins was there too, unfortunately.

5. Mission Name: Apollo 13

Mission Date: April 11, 1970

Mission Status: Failure

The astronauts got halfway to the moon, but then had to turn around because they forgot to not have their spaceship explode. Upon returning to Earth, the astronauts involved were sent to jail.

6. Mission Name: Cloacina 3

Mission Date: November 16, 1981

Mission Status: Failure

In 1981, NASA revived the controversial Cloacina program with the intent of putting another urinal on the moon. While critics pointed out that there was already a perfectly good urinal on the moon, NASA officials argued that there needed to be two urinals on the moon so that astronauts could hold hands while pissing in space. At the time, they believed that two astronauts holding hands while pissing on the moon at the same time would help humans learn more about quantum mechanics. Massive technological advancements allowed NASA to use a much taller bodybuilder with much longer hair to throw the urinal up into the sky. Unfortunately, due to a computational error, the bodybuilder ended up throwing the urinal horizontally through the air instead of straight up into the sky and into outer space. The urinal collided with a nearby car and the resulting explosion killed 45 astronauts.

7. Mission Name: Zeus Of Piss 3

Mission Date: August 19, 1994

Mission Status: Failure

Zeus Of Piss 3 aimed to utilize advancements in space shuttle technology to safely transport a new urinal onto the surface of the moon. Unfortunately, a navigation error resulted in the crew of the shuttle accidentally landing on Mars. Although the crew was able to install the urinal on the surface of the red planet and establish a thriving civilization there which now consists of about 650,000 men, women, and children, NASA considers Zeus Of Piss 3 to be one of its most humiliating setbacks.

8. Mission Name: Cloacina 4

Mission Date: February 9, 2009

Mission Status: Success

The technological breakthroughs of the digital age enabled NASA to recruit a bodybuilder whose hair was so long that it went all the way to the floor. Due to this crucial engineering innovation, the bodybuilder was able to throw the toilet all the way to the moon. Sadly, when the urinal crashed into the lunar surface, it crushed a man, but fortunately, it was some boring guy who wasn’t even good at guitar. The bodybuilder was given a $50 gift card to Apple Music as a reward for his heroic role in the mission, and NASA was able to finally achieve their decades-long dream of having two urinals on the moon. NASA is currently developing the Artemis missions to send astronauts back to the lunar surface to piss in these urinals, and then once they do that they will be done with space forever.

If you’ve always dreaded being on jury duty because you were worried your judge wouldn’t be able to easily remove your tampon for you from his bench, you’re in luck: Tampax has introduced a tampon with a string long enough for them to do just that! 

Did somebody say GAME CHANGER?!

Tampax’s new Jury Duty line solves a problem that has plagued women since they were universally allowed to sit on juries in 1973: that way-too-short string that makes it practically impossible for the judge to tug your tampon out from all the way up at the bench. Tampax’s new Jury Duty tamps come in 40-foot, 70-foot, and 130-foot string options to choose from depending on the size of your courtroom, each with plenty of slack for the judge to really wrap that puppy around their hand and give that bad boy a yank and send it on its way. 

And they aren’t just for judges either! These strings are long enough that the bailiff, the stenographer, or even the defendant can take your tampon out for you so you can continue to focus on providing a fair trial.

Yep. All it’s going to take to get your tampon removed now during jury duty is a knowing nod and a clear path between you and the judge. This is so, so nice. 

This is one of those products that, when it comes out, you’re shocked that no one thought of it before. There’s almost no reason to buy standard, run-of-the-mill tampons anymore. Sign us up for a Costco bulk box of the 130-foot string version, please!

WASHINGTON — A new national poll released this week found that a majority of Americans were surprised to learn the war with Iran is still happening, roughly two weeks after most people stopped paying attention.

When asked what the United States should do about the conflict and whether they supported deploying ground troops, 72 percent of respondents reportedly replied, “Wait… that’s not over?”

Analysts say the public attention cycle following a national crisis tends to follow a familiar pattern.

On the first Saturday the news broke, millions of Americans were glued to their phones watching dramatic footage of missile strikes and air defenses lighting up the night sky across social media.

“Everyone was sharing the videos,” said polling director Mark Caldwell. “There were maps, military threads, amateur geopolitical experts explaining the Strait of Hormuz. It was a huge weekend.”

On Sunday, Iranian forces responded in kind, and both the conflict and online discourse escalated rapidly. That evening, the national mood shifted to talk shows, group texts, and highly confident predictions about how the conflict would unfold.

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“People were saying things like ‘this will be over in a week’ and ‘Iran can’t possibly sustain this,’” Caldwell said. “A lot of very authoritative takes from people who had just learned where Iran was.”

From Monday through Wednesday, the war became the dominant topic in workplaces across the country.

Corporate Teams and Slack channels filled with strategic analysis, with coworkers debating air defense capabilities during lunch and confidently explaining the difference between ballistic and cruise missiles after watching half of a YouTube video.

By Thursday afternoon, however, interest had begun to wane.

“New war videos started drying up, and people began asking if anyone had watched that new Netflix show yet,” Caldwell said.

By Friday, most Americans had quietly moved on to other priorities, including Spring Break, hiking, and learning how pickleball works.

“Pickleball just exploded on Friday,” Caldwell said. “The war never really had a chance after that.”

Defense officials confirmed the conflict has continued uninterrupted during the period in which the public stopped monitoring it.

Missile exchanges, regional mobilizations, and diplomatic maneuvering have persisted daily, though many Americans first learned this when the poll was conducted.

“I thought that ended like two weekends ago,” said one respondent from Ohio. “Didn’t we bomb something and everyone kind of agreed that was enough?”

Another respondent said he assumed the situation had resolved itself because it stopped appearing in his social media feed.

“I figured if it was still happening it would be trending,” he said. “Is that why gas prices are going back up?”

After the pollster briefly mentioned the Strait of Hormuz, the man frowned.

“Wait, what? Shouldn’t the Navy have secured that on day one?” he said. “Like take out the leadership, bomb the nuclear sites, wipe out the missiles, secure the Strait. Those seem like the four most obvious priorities.”

At press time, polling organizations confirmed they are preparing a follow-up survey to determine how Americans feel about the war now that they have briefly remembered it exists.

HEAVEN — God is unable to keep boots off the ground in Iran because He is currently overwhelmed with prayers to rig March Madness at the faithful’s request, heavenly sources confirmed today.

“The brackets are eating up every bit of bandwidth,” said Saint Joan of Arc (HGS S-3), a longtime Notre Dame fan. “Sure, the Chief hears every plea to stop regional entanglements. But any prayer regarding the Strait of Hormuz is on hold until Father Almighty deals with the thousands of outcries for a buzzer-beating three-pointer.”

According to heavenly officials, NCAA basketball creates a massive surge in prayer volume every spring that drowns out those beseeching peace for all mankind. Such “bracket bottlenecks” curtail divine intervention as the maker of heaven and earth prioritizes point spreads over regional stability in the Middle East.

“HEAVRNET is at 99% capacity,” Saint Gabriel (HGS S-6) said while untangling a mess of fiber-optic incense. “I tried rebooting the Burning Bush, but it can’t compete with all these Syracuse fans bargaining their prayers. And we can’t process Iran peace negotiations while the Big Guy is prioritizing a 12-seed upset.”

Compounding the crisis, a data spike from Chestnut Hill has overwhelmed prayer servers.

“Boston College fans flood the queue every year praying for a wildcard,” Joan groaned while swiping through a backlog of Jesuit-coded emails. “Their womp-womp creates a total deadlock in the S-3 shop. It’s blocking every chaplain’s plea to spare the next school from a strike package.”

“Boston alumni scream like they’re all burning at the stake,” Joan added. “But Gabriel says the Big Guy won’t delete their requests. The Eagles stay in the queue while kids wearing maghnaehs stay in the crosshairs.”

Administrative hurdles have only complicated the crisis.

“I just kicked back a bracket petition for missing a HAC-card signature,” Saint Peter (HGS S-1) said while pointing to a mountain of unfiled parchment. “Everybody wants a miracle rebound but nobody wants to use the correct routing header.”

Peter added that “Vir Macho” continues citing Matthew 21:22 to justify honoring nearly every sports-related prayer submitted through official heavenly channels.

“I support the troops,” King David said while heating a Manna-Ready-to-Eat against a sling stone. “But a ground war in Iran looks like a ‘go’ at this point thanks to those NCAA logjams. The Secretary of War should stop praying for an Ivy League miracle and start worrying about the slam-poetry warning order he just wrote.”

Meanwhile, Satan has expressed delight at the prospect of another Persian Incursion.

“It will maximize my return on investment this quarter,” he said while adjusting a spreadsheet. “If enough misguided faithful cry out for bracket-busters, I’ll easily hit my target ratio of one 12-seed upset for every 12,000 fallen boots.”

WASHINGTON — Secretary of War Pete Hegseth appeared visibly confused Tuesday after discovering that the phrase “fuck around and find out,” which he frequently uses on television to describe America's enemies, apparently applies to him as well.

The revelation came during a Pentagon briefing as the conflict with Iran entered what officials described as “its second week of not ending in a week.”

“Look, this will be over in seven days,” Hegseth said at the outset of the conflict, speaking with the confidence of a platoon leader who never developed a campaign plan. “You drop some bombs, hit a few Ayatollahs, and the people will just walk into the street and scream ‘you’ve been cancelled’ at the Iranian regime.”

Two weeks later, Iranian missiles are striking targets across the region, oil markets are in chaos, tankers are exploding in the Strait of Hormuz, and the Pentagon has begun using the phrase “dynamic operational environment,” which officials confirmed loosely translates to “we may have fucked around a bit too much and are now finding out.”

One aide said Hegseth was “particularly surprised” Iran did not immediately surrender after several days of strikes.

“The Secretary believed if we just air-war the shit out of them, they would quickly realize the United States puts the ‘dom’ in air dominance,” said Joe Kasper, a special government employee brought in by Hegseth.

Complicating matters has been Hegseth’s repeated description of the conflict as a “spiritual struggle,” which has created awkward moments among U.S. allies.

“The messaging about a holy war has been… difficult,” said one State Department diplomat. “Especially considering many of our partners are, by sheer coincidence, Muslim.”

The State Department has attempted to walk back the remarks as a translation issue.

“Holy war? No,” one official said. “He meant… war of good versus evil. Totally different.”

Diplomats said several allied governments responded with what one official described as “a long, uncomfortable pause, but in Arabic.”

The meeting reportedly ended with U.S. officials pleading with Gulf partners not to expel American forces.

IRAN — As the War in Iran enters its second month, international markets are already feeling the impact of shipments either delayed or altogether prevented from coming through the Strait of Hormuz. But American defense officials stress that the Strait is currently open and will remain open if you aren’t a bitch.

“Iranian mines and missile attacks are a real threat if you’re a pussy,” said U.S. Ambassador to the Middle East Jake Paul. “However, for those ships who are about that life, the Strait remains navigable.”

The Strait of Hormuz — the only maritime passage from the Persian Gulf to the open ocean — remains one of the world’s most critical chokepoints for global energy supply.

Shortly after the war began, Iran seeded the waterway with mines, effectively halting traffic for what Pentagon officials described as “captains with no fucking balls."

“Let me be clear: we did not underestimate Iran,” said Secretary of Warmaxxing Pete Hegseth. “We underestimated the number of tankers that would get sand in their vaginas over getting blown up and sunk.”

International partners have expressed concern over the Pentagon’s apparent lack of a coherent plan to restore normal shipping operations.

“We asked them what the plan was to deal with the mines,” said French Foreign Minister Pierre LePierre. “They told us to 'stop talking about it and to start being about it' with a meme about how everyone is a gangsta until it's time to do gangsta shit.”

The White House defended the approach, saying it is already producing results with ships beginning to show themselves as real ones by attempting to transit the waterway.

“On Tuesday, multiple oil tankers who have that dog in them crossed the Strait,” said Mike Lindell, recently appointed Chief of American Defense Strategy in Iran. “We expect this will lead to additional craft nutting up to reopen this vital supply line.”

Regional experts say ships that have successfully crossed the Strait typically notify Iran in advance that “today is not the day" and that they are not the one. Meanwhile, they advised any craft attacked while passing through the Strait that they should try being a fucking man for once in their goddamned life.

WASHINGTON — The Department of War is still struggling to explain what is happening with Iran while refusing to use what officials call “the ‘W’ word,” sources confirmed today.

Rumors have circulated for days of a full-blown — ahem — “thing” between the United States and its longtime regional adversary, but department officials declined to characterize the situation any further.

“We’re seeing each other acrimoniously,” said Secretary of War Pete Hegseth. “We don’t want to get ahead of ourselves.”

The department later issued internal guidance directing staff to describe the ongoing operation as a “hostile situationship” or “foreign entanglement we sought to avoid.”

Still, a cadre of increasingly frustrated reporters pressed Hegseth to clarify whether the United States was, in fact, at war.

“It turns out the word ‘war’ comes with a lot of baggage — like congressional oversight,” Hegseth said. “So we knew we had to change the name again, because we are not fighting any wars.”

Officials said several alternatives are under consideration, including “Department of Preemptive Aggression,” “Department of Explosions,” and “Military Department.”

“We briefly liked ‘Department of Aggression’ because it tested poorly with liberals,” one official said. “Then it tested poorly with conservatives too. At that point we realized we may have painted ourselves into a corner renaming it from ‘Department of Defense,’ which, in hindsight, was actually a pretty solid name.”

The compromise option, “Liberty Department,” was reportedly rejected because “no one could say it with a straight face.”

WHY engage a professional when you’ve subliminally picked up everyday skills from seeing them in the opening scenes of filth? You already know how to do this: 

Repairing a washing machine

The nightmare of a non-functioning washing machine can leave a young woman without any clothes to briefly wear. Fortunately there’s always a heavily-tattooed tradesman a clumsy cut away. He diagnoses an issue with the overused spin cycle, which if he wasn’t distracted with sudden oral would mean replacing a worn belt. You are less distracted.

Changing a tap

Home plumbing can be daunting, but valuable tips are available from a boiler-suited man who certainly wasn’t hired for his acting skills. The stop tap is located below the sink, as demonstrated by the woman bending over without underwear, and the pipe wrench and adjustable spanner needed can be seen if you freeze the video at 17.43, during anal.

Assembling flatpack furniture

Occasionally a large-breasted woman will need assistance putting a bookshelf together. A gentleman will help ascertain which peg should go in which hole without even consulting the manual. They will have sex instead of finishing the flatpack, as should you because even the most perfunctory f**kbuddy relationship will last longer than a Billy bookcase.

Changing a wheel

Women in porn suffer a disproportionately higher rate of punctured tyres than the general public, even though they never discard their spike heels. A ripped passer-by will help by loosening nuts, jacking the vehicle and then abandoning the job to go down on her. Avoid this last step and instead change the tyre to reach your destination rather than orgasm.

Administering first aid

If a barely-clad woman requires medical attention, go straight in with cupping. If this fails to elicit gasps, clear her airways using a tool you keep on you. This will no doubt bring her back to full, joyful consciousness. At which point a nurse will arrive to join in. If it does not transpire exactly like this in the real world, you will go to prison until 2043.

THE clocks being brought forward by an hour over the weekend has resulted in daylight being ‘f**ked’, scientists have confirmed.

The adjustment to British Summer Time has thrown off your internal body clock and the weather so catastrophically that experts have been left with no other way to describe daylight other than as ‘a total dawn-to-dusk shitshow’.

Meteorologist Martin Bishop said: “It might be a small change we should all be used to by now, but that doesn’t make it any less weird. Shit’s messed up.

“Gentle, reasonably-timed sunrises have been replaced with dazzling glares beaming through curtains at 6am. The days themselves are getting so long they lose all meaning. We had a good thing going during autumn and winter, then we went and ruined it.

“Making the change on a Sunday morning only made it worse. You woke up hungover and wondering what the hell is wrong with the world and now work’s an hour closer? What dickhead made that decision?

“And worst of all it’s completely arbitrary. It’s easy to blame farmers but they’re perfectly happy to spray shit over fields in complete darkness because they’re psychopaths.”

Nikki Hollis of Bude said: “I’ll spend six months living with this deranged lie until it almost makes sense to me before reality cruelly reasserts itself in October. Why? Why?”

THE police have confirmed they do not investigate the vast majority of burglaries because the shops are open and you can get another laptop this afternoon. 

While admitting the figure looked bad, police said they are reluctant to fingerprint, check CCTV and interview suspects just to track down and return your personal iPad to you when others are available.

A spokesman said: “They’ve nicked your stuff. Don’t make it our problem.

“If they’d stolen a painting gifted to you by your own dear mother then I’d understand your rage, but they haven’t, have they? They’ve stolen cash, a MacBook and a Bluetooth speaker because they’re as uninterested in sentimental value as we are.

“You bought them online, you’ve got the receipt in your email, you’ve got a crime number. Call your insurance and wait for them to authorise a shopping spree. Don’t pretend that stolen power drill ‘was very important to you.’ This isn’t The Repair Shop.

“We’ve got more to worry about than a few simple burglaries. There’s real crime to deal with. People are tweeting out here.”

Thomas Booker of Wilmslow said: “But my £5,200 Rolex Oyster was stolen. £5,200 in easy cash and I left it sitting on a shelf downstairs. That has to be the police’s fault.”

A BRITISH man has stressed his upcoming trip to Japan is all about experiencing the country and its culture as faithfully as possible, right down to getting laid. 

42-year-old Japanophile Julian Cook’s itinerary is carefully planned to experience maximum authenticity, whether sipping beer in Sapporo, visiting temples in Kyoto or the multiple evenings in Tokyo where oddly he has no specific plan.

He said: “I don’t want to be one of those tourists who does no more than scratch the surface. I want to connect with local people and go deep.

“I’ve levelled up to B-1 on Duolingo so I’ll be going off the beaten track, searching our hidden gems and touching parts of the country most gaijin don’t. I’ve been on some fairly specialist forums to prepare myself. I’m excited.

“I really want to interface with the real Japan. Yes, I’ll see the traditional dancing shows, but I want to taste the sushi the locals taste. I’m going to immerse myself and return having had experiences the other members of my anime society may never have.”

He added: “Travel’s all about spontaneity. Sometimes you’ve just got to end up in a neon-lit Harajuku bar with an unnecessarily tight linen shirt and a fistful of cash and see what happens.”

Cook is expected to return home with a suitcase full of explicit manga and a heart full of bitter disappointment.

BREAKING up is hard to do, and it would be wrong to outsource it to a Large Language Model like all other hard work. That’s why all of these are human and genuine: 

The generic

‘I’ve been thinking a lot about our relationship – and it’s not working. It’s not just you, it’s us, the war in Iran and the prevailing wind speed. I wish you all the best in your future endeavours. If you want, I can write a version that is kinder.’

The one with examples

‘It’s important to remember there have been some positive periods in our partnership, such as when we had our tender first kiss during the season two finale of The Office, the show’s first 40-minute episode which was viewed by 7.6 million people and scored 4/10 in the overnight Nielsen ratings.’

The ironic

‘I can definitely give you several reasons why a couple might break up. Firstly, problems with communicating. Secondly, a lack of effort. Would you like me to keep going?’

The hallucinatory

‘There are many good reasons to end our relationship, including your frequent infidelity while disguised as a white bull, a swan and a shower of gold. You’re right – these are seductions used by the Greek god Zeus, and bear no resemblance to any situation in your actual relationship. Well done for catching that.’

The mean

‘While I can help make a message more direct, I won’t write anything to intentionally hurt someone. Instead, here is an insult from the playwright William Shakespeare, spoken to the character Falstaff: “Thou art as fat as butter.”’

The hyperlink 

‘Tom has sent you a link to a ChatGPT conversation. Click here to view.’

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