The post Epidemiologists Confirm First Airborne Transmission Of Mar-A-Lago Face appeared first on The Onion.

A bill to ban marriage between first cousins failed to pass in the Florida Senate, allowing the state to remain one of more than a dozen in the U.S. where marrying one’s first cousin is legal. What do you think?

“Everyone deserves someone who looks like their uncle.”

Aaron Kamykowski, Vacuum Tester

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“How else am I supposed to make my brother jealous?”

Ivy Oleinik, Donut Sprinkler

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“The government has no business telling me who I’m related to.”

Jon Bonsall, Systems Analyst

The post Florida Bill To Ban First Cousin Marriage Fails To Pass appeared first on The Onion.

NEW YORK—Raising the alarm about an increasingly unstable labor market, economists at Columbia University warned in a report published Wednesday that even their friend’s son who went to business school hadn’t been able to find a job. “Americans’ employment prospects must be truly dire if Natalie’s son Trevor is still stuck working at Best Buy,” said lead author Joseph Stiglitz, adding that Trevor’s bachelor’s degree from MIT Sloan School of Management and extensive internship experience should have been “more than enough” to secure him a respectable marketing or sales position by now. “I mean, this is an incredibly bright young man we’re talking about. He was president of his business fraternity and even made the dean’s list. Can you believe it? He’s such a great guy too. Volunteers every Sunday at his local animal shelter. If a smart kid like that can’t find a job, what hope do the rest of us have?” Stiglitz added that the shuttering of his granddaughter’s lemonade stand boded ill for the future of small business.

The post Economists Warn That Even Their Friend’s Son Who Went To Business School Can’t Find A Job appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON—Warning administration members that the unauthorized websites were not supposed to be accessed by work computers, White House IT guy Jason Kellerman reportedly sent out a memo Wednesday reminding staff about child porn. “Keep in mind that every website you go to while on the White House network, even while using incognito mode, is cached and can be reviewed on our end,” the memo read in part, urging officials to avoid perusing risky sites featuring explicit images and videos of minors while on the job. “Be extremely wary of clicking any links promising hot preteen action, as they may be phishing attempts that could download malware onto the server. Each time we have to restart the system because it was damaged by someone trying to watch videos of underage children engaging in sexual situations, we experience workflow disruptions and lose valuable man-hours. Please be respectful.” At press time, Kellerman had reportedly sent a follow-up memo resigning from his position after seeing what was on homeland security advisor Stephen Miller’s hard drive.

The post White House IT Guy Sends Out Reminder Memo About Child Porn  appeared first on The Onion.

The post 42-Year-Old Woman Refers To Herself As ‘Preggerz’ appeared first on The Onion.

CROMWELL, CT — On a chilly spring morning, local man Jim Harbor reportedly paused to consider whether what he was missing in life was Jesus or a really cool jacket.

Kids these days. They're pushovers. Back in the old days, every kid knew how to work, fight, and smoke tobacco. How can parents today recapture that toughness for their kids?

BRENTWOOD, TN — The man who pushed over Jack Reacher's motorcycle and was subsequently pounded into the ground has announced that he will next go shoot John Wick's dog.

BYWATER — A particularly plump hobbit named Elanor Bolger has decided to go on a diet, cutting back from her usual six meals a day to a measly four meals a day.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Just minutes before President Donald Trump announced a peace deal with Iran was close, a mysterious investor named "Pancy_Nelosi" placed hundreds of millions on a speculative trade that oil prices would plummet.

This is fantastic news: Trader Joe’s just raised their parking lot speed limit to 70 mph! No longer will we have to limit ourselves to cruising their parking lots at barely 50—we can finally go as fast as we need to. This just made grocery shopping 100x better!

If you are a man, get ready to stand up and cheer, because one of the most important clothing stores in the world just announced a game-changing new policy that’s going to make your life more incredible than ever before: Men’s Wearhouse will now let you have your suit fitted while under anesthesia!

Fuck. Yes. Looks like men finally have something to celebrate!

For generations, men have had to suffer through endless suit fittings while fully conscious, experiencing every excruciating second as a tailor dragged tape measures all over their thighs and shoulders. That living nightmare is about to become a thing of the past, however, because starting today, Men’s Wearhouse is now offering their customers an IV drip of general anesthesia that will keep them in a drug-induced state of total unconsciousness while their team of expert tailors measures their dimensions to fit them for their world-class suits. 

There’s literally never been a better time to be a man!

“For generations, Men’s Wearhouses across the country were filled with the sounds of men shrieking in agony as they were poked and prodded with invasive measuring tools and excruciating chalks, but no longer,” said Men’s Wearhouse CEO Peter Sachse, who said he made the decision to provide anesthesia to shoppers after witnessing a man begging for death while getting fitted for a Kenneth Cole Chillflex suit last year. “From here on out, you’ll walk into a Men’s Wearhouse, enter a medically-induced state of oblivion, and wake up to a perfectly fitted suit. We don’t live in Medieval times anymore, and this was long overdue.”

If you hear the sound of millions of people applauding outside your window right now, it’s probably all the men in America celebrating this major W, one that’s been long overdue and is one of the biggest steps toward living in a perfect society that has ever been taken. We can’t wait to head down to the nearest Men’s Wearhouse and slip into painless oblivion while we get fitted for our next formal occasion. Other clothing companies, take note: this is how you’re supposed to treat men!

Hello, everyone. Jeffrey Epstein here. You’ve probably heard about my emails. I was recently hacked by the Department of Justice, who published my entire inbox for the public to ogle (DOJ? More like TMZ…). Welp. 

I cannot stop you from gossiping over my private correspondences and making your own presumptions about who I am and what I stand for. But I can speak for myself — and as an independent thinker, who’s never been afraid to go against the grain of popular consensus, ‘speaking for myself’ usually means expressing views that are guaranteed to polarize. “Wait, how can Mr. Epstein speak for himself if he died in 2019?” you must be wondering. Well, boy oh boy, have I come to ClickHole.com with some news for you:

I, Jeffrey Epstein, am not only alive, but I also have a subway take that is going to piss off a lot of people. 

If Subway Takes existed before I went to jail or faked my own death in jail, let me assure you: I, Jeffrey Epstein would’ve been on it, and my hot take would’ve broken the Internet. My subway take is so scorching hot that it would’ve gotten me murdered in jail for real. But alas. Kareem Rahma’s subway program only began long, long after I could be a guest on it without raising questions. So, unfortunately, I’ve never had an opportunity to share my scorched earth hot take…until now. Because I no longer give a damn if the world knows I’m alive after all, and the world will soon be too preoccupied with the discourse my subway take starts to give a damn that I’m actually alive anyway.

Are you ready to hear the late Jeffrey Epstein’s subway take? You may think you are, but you’re really, really not. 

First, allow me to set the scene, so you can experience my subway take as you would if Kareem Rahma invited me, Jeffrey Epstein, who is currently alive and well (correct), on his Internet talk show program. Close your eyes: Imagine Kareem Rahma and me sitting on the L train. It’s rush hour. The train is very, very crowded. Everyone is staring at me, wondering if their eyes are deceiving them. I return their stares with a wink. Mr. Rahma raises his MetroCard microphone to his lips. He looks me, Jeffrey Epstein, in the eyes, and asks, “So, what’s your take?” I raise my MetroCard microphone to my lips. I smirk. And then, I deliver the subway take to end all subway takes:

“I love destination weddings. Love ‘em. I don’t care how much the travel costs, or how much time I have to take off of work. I’m going. Give me a reason to travel and see new places! Like, your wedding’s in a beautiful foreign country? Great! I’ve probably never been! I literally had no good reason to go, and now I have an incredible one! I might even stay a whole week after the wedding to explore! And if I have friends or family that were invited too, we get to spend time together in a wonderful, exotic place? Even better. How often do you have an excuse to do that? What a gift. What a special gift. People who whine about destination weddings are the same people who whine about going to weddings in general, and those people are boring, miserable, they have no sense of romance, and they’re honestly a waste of a wedding invite. Dang, you have to rent a beautiful suit or dress to celebrate someone you love on the best day of their life? Poor you. That’s money you could be spending on important stuff, like…DoorDash? Netflix? Amazon crap? Get over yourself, cheap-o! It’s love, baby: lean in and live a little! This is what life’s all about!”

Kareem Rahma immediately nods and says he agrees with me, Jeffrey Epstein.

Well, there you have it. I, Jeffrey Epstein, am alive, and everyone’s mad at me all over again because no one can handle an actual hot take. Hey, you can call me out of touch or over-privileged, but you can’t say that I’m afraid to speak my mind or that I’m dead. What can I say? I’m just a hyper-opinionated Jewish-American Prince from Brooklyn who is very much alive, contrary to popular belief. You’re welcome for all the engagement I just scored you, Subway Takes!

Several times in NASA’s history, the organization has attempted to put a urinal on the moon. Sadly, these missions have not all been successful. In fact, many have ended in complete disaster for everyone involved. However, sometimes they have also managed to pull it off. It’s a mixed bag for the folks at NASA. Here are six NASA missions to put a urinal on the moon that ended in disaster and two that ended in success.

1. Mission Name: Cloacina 1

Mission Date: July 29, 1958

Mission Status: Failure

On the first day that NASA began operating, aerospace engineers from the organization gathered at Cape Canaveral to launch Cloacina 1, a mission named after the Roman goddess of sewers. The goal of the mission was to put a urinal on the moon in order to “figure out if the moon likes when that happens.” No rockets had been built yet, so NASA engineers paid a local body builder to throw the urinal as high as he could into the sky and hope that it landed on the moon. Unfortunately, the bodybuilder was only able to throw the urinal about a mile into the sky before it fell back down to Earth and crushed the smartest scientist in the world, whose name nobody remembers. The loss of the very smart scientist set the space program back years.

2. Mission Name: Cloacina 2

Mission Date: July 30, 1958

Mission Status: Failure

Showcasing the organization’s trademark resilience and perseverance in the face of tragedy, NASA engineers reconvened at Cape Canaveral the very next day to launch the Cloacina 2 mission. While this mission employed much of the same basic technology as the failed Cloacina 1 mission front he previous day, including the bodybuilder, NASA engineers also attempted to increase the likelihood of success by taping a balloon and a gun to the urinal, and also painting a bright red racing stripe on it. Despite these modifications to the urinal, however, the bodybuilder was only able to hurl it into the lower mesosphere before it plummeted back to Earth, flattening both the newly appointed smartest scientist in the world along with the most handsome man in the United States. Following the failure of Cloacina 2, the bodybuilder was sentenced to 30 years in prison for being so bad at space travel.

3. Mission Name: Zeus Of Piss 2

Mission Date: April 19, 1965

Mission Status: Failure

The first Zeus Of Piss mission, Zeus Of Piss 1, involved astronauts looking at a picture of the moon while taking a piss on Earth. Zeus Of Piss 1 was a resounding success, and NASA proved that it was possible for humans to think about the moon while taking a piss on Earth without suffering any negative physical consequences outside of a minor nosebleed. The next year, NASA attempted Zeus Of Piss 2, a mission designed to learn if it was possible for humans to think about the Earth while taking a piss on the moon. In order to do this, they needed to get a urinal onto the moon. Unfortunately, the unmanned spacecraft carrying the urinal that NASA launched into space never made it to the moon because NASA had made the mistake, common in the early days of space travel, of simply pointing the rocket in the general direction of the moon in the night sky and firing it straight into the air. It wasn’t until the Zeus Of Piss 2 spacecraft flew past the moon, missing it by over 450,000 miles, that NASA realized that this “point and launch” method of space travel was ineffective.

4. Mission Name: Apollo 11

Mission Date: July 16, 1969

Mission Status: Success

In 1969, NASA finally achieved its dream of putting a urinal on the moon. Astronauts Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin successfully landed on the moon and installed a fully functioning urinal. As Armstrong took the first human piss on the lunar surface in history, he famously said, “That’s one big foot of my own, and everyone’s jumping up and down.” Those immortal words will forever be associated with the first time a man took a piss on the moon. Michael Collins was there too, unfortunately.

5. Mission Name: Apollo 13

Mission Date: April 11, 1970

Mission Status: Failure

The astronauts got halfway to the moon, but then had to turn around because they forgot to not have their spaceship explode. Upon returning to Earth, the astronauts involved were sent to jail.

6. Mission Name: Cloacina 3

Mission Date: November 16, 1981

Mission Status: Failure

In 1981, NASA revived the controversial Cloacina program with the intent of putting another urinal on the moon. While critics pointed out that there was already a perfectly good urinal on the moon, NASA officials argued that there needed to be two urinals on the moon so that astronauts could hold hands while pissing in space. At the time, they believed that two astronauts holding hands while pissing on the moon at the same time would help humans learn more about quantum mechanics. Massive technological advancements allowed NASA to use a much taller bodybuilder with much longer hair to throw the urinal up into the sky. Unfortunately, due to a computational error, the bodybuilder ended up throwing the urinal horizontally through the air instead of straight up into the sky and into outer space. The urinal collided with a nearby car and the resulting explosion killed 45 astronauts.

7. Mission Name: Zeus Of Piss 3

Mission Date: August 19, 1994

Mission Status: Failure

Zeus Of Piss 3 aimed to utilize advancements in space shuttle technology to safely transport a new urinal onto the surface of the moon. Unfortunately, a navigation error resulted in the crew of the shuttle accidentally landing on Mars. Although the crew was able to install the urinal on the surface of the red planet and establish a thriving civilization there which now consists of about 650,000 men, women, and children, NASA considers Zeus Of Piss 3 to be one of its most humiliating setbacks.

8. Mission Name: Cloacina 4

Mission Date: February 9, 2009

Mission Status: Success

The technological breakthroughs of the digital age enabled NASA to recruit a bodybuilder whose hair was so long that it went all the way to the floor. Due to this crucial engineering innovation, the bodybuilder was able to throw the toilet all the way to the moon. Sadly, when the urinal crashed into the lunar surface, it crushed a man, but fortunately, it was some boring guy who wasn’t even good at guitar. The bodybuilder was given a $50 gift card to Apple Music as a reward for his heroic role in the mission, and NASA was able to finally achieve their decades-long dream of having two urinals on the moon. NASA is currently developing the Artemis missions to send astronauts back to the lunar surface to piss in these urinals, and then once they do that they will be done with space forever.

If you’ve always dreaded being on jury duty because you were worried your judge wouldn’t be able to easily remove your tampon for you from his bench, you’re in luck: Tampax has introduced a tampon with a string long enough for them to do just that! 

Did somebody say GAME CHANGER?!

Tampax’s new Jury Duty line solves a problem that has plagued women since they were universally allowed to sit on juries in 1973: that way-too-short string that makes it practically impossible for the judge to tug your tampon out from all the way up at the bench. Tampax’s new Jury Duty tamps come in 40-foot, 70-foot, and 130-foot string options to choose from depending on the size of your courtroom, each with plenty of slack for the judge to really wrap that puppy around their hand and give that bad boy a yank and send it on its way. 

And they aren’t just for judges either! These strings are long enough that the bailiff, the stenographer, or even the defendant can take your tampon out for you so you can continue to focus on providing a fair trial.

Yep. All it’s going to take to get your tampon removed now during jury duty is a knowing nod and a clear path between you and the judge. This is so, so nice. 

This is one of those products that, when it comes out, you’re shocked that no one thought of it before. There’s almost no reason to buy standard, run-of-the-mill tampons anymore. Sign us up for a Costco bulk box of the 130-foot string version, please!

WASHINGTON — Secretary of War Pete Hegseth appeared visibly confused Tuesday after discovering that the phrase “fuck around and find out,” which he frequently uses on television to describe America's enemies, apparently applies to him as well.

The revelation came during a Pentagon briefing as the conflict with Iran entered what officials described as “its second week of not ending in a week.”

“Look, this will be over in seven days,” Hegseth said at the outset of the conflict, speaking with the confidence of a platoon leader who never developed a campaign plan. “You drop some bombs, hit a few Ayatollahs, and the people will just walk into the street and scream ‘you’ve been cancelled’ at the Iranian regime.”

Two weeks later, Iranian missiles are striking targets across the region, oil markets are in chaos, tankers are exploding in the Strait of Hormuz, and the Pentagon has begun using the phrase “dynamic operational environment,” which officials confirmed loosely translates to “we may have fucked around a bit too much and are now finding out.”

One aide said Hegseth was “particularly surprised” Iran did not immediately surrender after several days of strikes.

“The Secretary believed if we just air-war the shit out of them, they would quickly realize the United States puts the ‘dom’ in air dominance,” said Joe Kasper, a special government employee brought in by Hegseth.

Complicating matters has been Hegseth’s repeated description of the conflict as a “spiritual struggle,” which has created awkward moments among U.S. allies.

“The messaging about a holy war has been… difficult,” said one State Department diplomat. “Especially considering many of our partners are, by sheer coincidence, Muslim.”

The State Department has attempted to walk back the remarks as a translation issue.

“Holy war? No,” one official said. “He meant… war of good versus evil. Totally different.”

Diplomats said several allied governments responded with what one official described as “a long, uncomfortable pause, but in Arabic.”

The meeting reportedly ended with U.S. officials pleading with Gulf partners not to expel American forces.

IRAN — As the War in Iran enters its second month, international markets are already feeling the impact of shipments either delayed or altogether prevented from coming through the Strait of Hormuz. But American defense officials stress that the Strait is currently open and will remain open if you aren’t a bitch.

“Iranian mines and missile attacks are a real threat if you’re a pussy,” said U.S. Ambassador to the Middle East Jake Paul. “However, for those ships who are about that life, the Strait remains navigable.”

The Strait of Hormuz — the only maritime passage from the Persian Gulf to the open ocean — remains one of the world’s most critical chokepoints for global energy supply.

Shortly after the war began, Iran seeded the waterway with mines, effectively halting traffic for what Pentagon officials described as “captains with no fucking balls."

“Let me be clear: we did not underestimate Iran,” said Secretary of Warmaxxing Pete Hegseth. “We underestimated the number of tankers that would get sand in their vaginas over getting blown up and sunk.”

International partners have expressed concern over the Pentagon’s apparent lack of a coherent plan to restore normal shipping operations.

“We asked them what the plan was to deal with the mines,” said French Foreign Minister Pierre LePierre. “They told us to 'stop talking about it and to start being about it' with a meme about how everyone is a gangsta until it's time to do gangsta shit.”

The White House defended the approach, saying it is already producing results with ships beginning to show themselves as real ones by attempting to transit the waterway.

“On Tuesday, multiple oil tankers who have that dog in them crossed the Strait,” said Mike Lindell, recently appointed Chief of American Defense Strategy in Iran. “We expect this will lead to additional craft nutting up to reopen this vital supply line.”

Regional experts say ships that have successfully crossed the Strait typically notify Iran in advance that “today is not the day" and that they are not the one. Meanwhile, they advised any craft attacked while passing through the Strait that they should try being a fucking man for once in their goddamned life.

WASHINGTON — The Department of War is still struggling to explain what is happening with Iran while refusing to use what officials call “the ‘W’ word,” sources confirmed today.

Rumors have circulated for days of a full-blown — ahem — “thing” between the United States and its longtime regional adversary, but department officials declined to characterize the situation any further.

“We’re seeing each other acrimoniously,” said Secretary of War Pete Hegseth. “We don’t want to get ahead of ourselves.”

The department later issued internal guidance directing staff to describe the ongoing operation as a “hostile situationship” or “foreign entanglement we sought to avoid.”

Still, a cadre of increasingly frustrated reporters pressed Hegseth to clarify whether the United States was, in fact, at war.

“It turns out the word ‘war’ comes with a lot of baggage — like congressional oversight,” Hegseth said. “So we knew we had to change the name again, because we are not fighting any wars.”

Officials said several alternatives are under consideration, including “Department of Preemptive Aggression,” “Department of Explosions,” and “Military Department.”

“We briefly liked ‘Department of Aggression’ because it tested poorly with liberals,” one official said. “Then it tested poorly with conservatives too. At that point we realized we may have painted ourselves into a corner renaming it from ‘Department of Defense,’ which, in hindsight, was actually a pretty solid name.”

The compromise option, “Liberty Department,” was reportedly rejected because “no one could say it with a straight face.”

ARLINGTON, Va. — A local man who says he is “closely monitoring the rapidly evolving situation in Iran” admitted that his analysis largely consists of scrolling through videos posted by attractive Middle Eastern influencers celebrating the death of Ayatollah Ali Khamenei, sources confirmed today.

“I’m just trying to stay informed,” said Kyle McDonough after watching the same dance video of smoking-hot Persian influencer and PhD student Mooné Rahimi for the 37th time while insisting he is keeping tabs on everything happening in and around Iran.

McDonough said his geopolitical interest began after a video appeared in his feed starring influencer Goldie Ghamari.

“She was explaining the historical significance of the moment,” said McDonough a former defense contractor-turned-amateur open source intelligence analyst, replaying the video again. “Also she winked and said ‘freedom for Iran,’ which I think has major implications for regional stability.”

“That wink was for me," he added.

Since then, McDonough told reporters that he's been using LiveUAMap to get real-time updates on the war and definitely not endlessly scrolling through viral thirst trap videos on Instagram Reels and TikTok.

Meanwhile, friends say McDonough has spent the past several days forwarding videos of glamorous Iranian influencers to group chats with captions such as “Important update from Tehran.” He has also expanded his research to include popular “Women of the Israel Defense Force” social media accounts.

“These accounts provide critical regional context,” McDonough explained while watching a video of Israeli OnlyFans model Gal Gool in which she claims to have personally eliminated the Iranian Supreme Leader with what she called “two Israeli missiles" on her chest.

Some Middle East experts believe Western men may be radicalized by the growing influence of online “ji-hotties,” an alliance of Instagram models and TikTokers from Iran, Israel, and the Kurdish Women’s Protection Units. Some fear the content may radicalize Western men into becoming simps and passport bros.

MAR-A-LAGO — The White House announced Monday that President Donald Trump will be awarded the Medal of Honor after becoming the only person in America to successfully locate a Chief Warrant Officer 5.

“I’m no Trump fan,” said military historian Joshua Delano, “but you must give credit where credit is due. I’ve gone through archival records and couldn’t find a single instance where an Army warrant officer has been successfully summoned to a formal ceremony. This is groundbreaking. Entire thesis papers will be written about this at the War College.”

Known as highly specialized technical experts who exist somewhere between enlisted non-commissioned officers and commissioned officers, warrant officers have long been known for their deep love of rich black coffee and a legendary ability to disappear without a trace, often not being seen or heard from for days or weeks at a time.

Warrant officers are particularly known for their natural aversion to all things ceremonial. Defense officials say they instinctively vanish when confronted with promotion ceremonies, change-of-command ceremonies, morning accountability formations, or anything related to physical training. Even more perplexing, many warrant officers appear to be in excellent physical condition despite there being no eyewitness accounts of them actually exerting themselves.

When they are present in the workplace, warrant officers are known for a skill many have likened to a Jedi mind trick — the ability to be present, perform no visible work, yet still receive accolades for their technical expertise. A senior defense official called the phenomenon “mystifying.”

ALL bloody day it goes on, from the golden light of dawn to well into the night. I get that it’s striking, but I’m f**king sick of influencers staging photos by my wheelie bin. 

Every spring it’s the same. The moment the sun dappling through the budding trees makes it look like a fairytale of England past, there’s some Instagram honey looking over her shoulder with my wheelie bin beautifully framed.

I get it, I do. It’s a classic Contenur UK model, gunmetal gray, unusual blue lid, 240 litre and exceptionally well-preserved. I get it cleaned regularly and I invested in reflective numbering which I applied dead straight. It’s a very attractive bin.

But that doesn’t mean that come March I should be having to deal with an actual queue of influencers waiting for their turn to take their picture with it every day, all of them with changes of wardrobe, high-end designer bags and stylists.

It’s ridiculous. I’m stood there waiting ten minutes with a dustpan in my hand, unable to tip it away because some girl who’s flown all the way here from Nagoya needs to finish her shoot before we lose the light. I’m a busy man!

They want to reposition it, drape themselves over it, and be filmed disposing of their empty Peggy Porschen cupcake boxes in it, which I strictly forbid because I run out of room. Doesn’t stop the buggers though.

I can hardly watch telly for the chatter in a dozen different languages outside the kitchen windows, all ordering their boyfriends to climb walls and lie on floors to get the shot. And kissing it is frankly unhygienic.

But what can I do? I don’t want to lock it away to stop them getting at it. It’s got to be out every fortnight anyway, for household waste disposal, and if they could only get at it then the road would be so full the lorry couldn’t get down it.

I suppose I’ve no option but to grin and bear my wheelie bin’s global fame. Next time you see it on a TikTok I’m the slightly stooped balding bloke in the back.

WAR in Iran, and the prospect of poor people receiving fuel subsidies, has driven national hatred of anyone claiming benefits to levels not seen since 2006. 

The threat of a fuel bailout not benefiting those with high incomes and multiple homes has caused a spike of loathing comparable only to the Thatcher years or the screening of a Channel 5 documentary with the word ‘scroungers’ in the title.

Professor Helen Archer, who teaches class loathing at the University of Durham, said: “It’s a dramatic shift. Five years ago calling a pregnant teenager on a council estate a ‘chav’ was considered poor taste.

“But now Waitrose shoppers have to continue paying energy bills they can easily afford, society has slipped back decades. Expect happy slapping and ASBOs to make a resurgence as an inevitable side effect.

“While once a wartime cost of living crisis would have engendered solidarity, those days are gone. In the modern era, a crumb of support offered to anyone who isn’t you or a pensioner with an exceptional war record is reason enough to hate.

“Of course, when Labour does its usual U-turn from a policy that makes financial sense to a policy that appeases voters, these payments will be a subsidy not a benefit. The resentment will remain and affect political affiliation accordingly.”

Benefits claimant Tom Booker said: “It was lovely to be seen as almost human for a while. But now I will resume my role as a parasitic scourge on civilisation.”

A QUEUE to register at a new NHS brothel in Yorkshire which is accepting new clients stretched for almost two miles. 

The town of Skipton has been without an NHS-registered sexual services facility since 2007, leaving lower-income residents struggling to pay private providers for necessary work they are crying out for.

James Bates, aged 48, said: “I can’t afford what they charge privately. I’ve been doing it myself in the kitchen, using an angled mirror and a pair of pliers, but I can’t say I’ve done a good job.

“Successive government know we’ve been living in a prostitution desert but not one of them has acted. Even now I’m registered I’m told it’ll be four months’ wait for a simple polish, let alone the fillings I’ve been without since lockdown.”

NHS madam Suzie Traherne said: “The problem is the government pays on a scale set in 1945, when many of the modern sex acts we enjoy today were unknown.

“That means someone requiring an oral warm-up, penetration, full access to both boobs and a backshot finish earns me the same as a simple blowjob. It’s economically unviable.

“I’m having to tell customers mid-copulation that if they want me to swallow they’ll have to go private and this is the scale of costs. Which given the situation can be difficult to convey so they end up feeling ripped off. No wonder they go to Turkey.”

Bates said: “I understand the government’s introducing reforms, which is good. State-provided municipal sex is just better than private sex. Yes I’m a socialist.”

ALLOWING another road-user to take precedence over you is an unforgivable sign of weakness and should incur points, motorists have agreed. 

Giving way, whether to a car, a cyclist or a pedestrian is an act of submission which should, if repeated, lead to the loss of a driving licence and in extreme cases a full ban because of the danger it poses.

Qashqai driver Emma Bradford said: “It’s basic biology. Do rhinos give way to a herd of antelope? No. They charge ahead because they’re top of the food chain.

“By hesitating around being courteous and prioritising others, these idiots are causing crashes among real drivers like me: confident, brake seldom, basically apex predators with windscreen wipers.”

Wayne Hayes, a Ford Ranger Raptor driver from Stafford, agreed: “There are rules about who has right of way at junctions, and there are unwritten rules about self-respect and what it takes to get ahead.

“I’m not giving way just to be ‘nice’. It’s not the 14th century and I’m not a gallant knight. I’m a 43-year-old man on the way to the big Sainsbury’s to buy toilet roll.”

Reform MP Robert Jenrick said: “This nation has been weakened by the constant nanny-state need to make sure others are not ‘at risk’ of an ‘imminent collision’. When we should be ruling the road and dominating every junction, instead we ‘give way’.

“I don’t even stop for red lights. I go straight through them.”

Donald Trump has never been known for his vocabulary. When he’s not mispronouncing words, he’s mis-using them. And when he’s mis-using them, he’s usually destroying democracy around the world. Which brings us to this clip from a recent Trump press conference in which the President tries to claim credit for the “regime change” that has, […]

The post Donald Trump tried out a new definition of ‘regime change’ in Iran and got brutally owned into next week appeared first on The Poke.

Things are not going well in the Middle East. Anyone outside of the Oval Office can see that with their eyes. Donald Trump started a war without even a glancing thought about consequences and now things are devolving. The new goal of the war now seems to be opening the Strait of Hormuz, which was […]

The post This former US ambassador just dropped a truth bomb on Donald Trump and his war on Iran and it’s a proper 5,000lb job appeared first on The Poke.

Over on TikTok, the @goatdaddys account shares cute footage from the farm – and animal sanctuary – that 17 baby goats call home. Although, they probably call it “Meeeehhhhh!”, to be honest. Here’s one having a noisy breakfast, for example. @goatdaddys The most hectic and yet relaxing time of the day #goatdaddysfarm #fyp #viral #babygoats […]

The post These baby goats are the cuteness overload we all need – and we’re not kidding appeared first on The Poke.

Donald Trump loves the sound of his own voice. He has absolutely no problem rambling on for hours in front of the cameras. It doesn’t matter what he’s saying, so long as he’s forcing everyone to listen to him, he’s happy. Even when he’s slurring his words, mixing up his words, or incriminating himself with […]

The post Donald Trump used three different phrases to describe the Iran war all in the same press conference so don’t worry, the US totally has this under control appeared first on The Poke.

The British are traditionally known as being a polite and genial bunch, but there are some things that will earn you a passive-aggressive tut, and rightly so. Over on the AskUK subreddit, user TheAlmightyDeity posed this question: What are some UK cardinal sins? For example, Italians often complain about people putting pineapple on pizza. What […]

The post ‘What are some UK cardinal sins?’ – 21 things the British get understandably shirty about appeared first on The Poke.