The Onion
Glistening, Ice-Cold Beer Makes Compelling Case For Losing Custody
COOKEVILLE, TN—With the argument before him appearing completely airtight, local man Ron Bingham told reporters Tuesday that a glistening, ice-cold beer was making a compelling case for him to lose custody of his kid. “I was convinced I’d do anything to keep parental rights to my precious baby girl, but I gotta say, that impossibly frosty Busch Light has some pretty good points,” said Bingham, who claimed that his immediate impulse was to fight tooth and nail to maintain guardianship of his only child, but he’d now have to weigh his undying love against the American-style lager’s very valid counterargument that it never wakes up crying at 2 a.m. with a nightmare. “While at first I thought nothing could prevent me from sticking around to watch her grow up, the condensation dripping down the neck of this bottle is driving a hard bargain. Irreplaceable family moments are one thing, but how can I say no to that beguiling amber color? At the end of the day, would I rather spend every other weekend with an entire 12-pack or just one little princess?” At press time, sources confirmed Bingham was too drunk to understand what the family court judge had ruled.
The Onion.
Tate McRae Reveals If She Stops Dancing She Dies
NEW YORK—Responding to the question of what she believed was the biggest misconception the public had about her, pop star Tate McRae revealed to reporters Friday that if she ever stopped dancing she would die. “Many people think dancing is my passion—it is not,” said the “Housewife” and “Sports Car” singer, who emphasized that when she tells people she has been dancing her “whole life,” she truly means she has been dancing her whole life. “Much like a shark cannot stop swimming lest it drowns, I cannot stop performing tilts and body rolls. The only time my body—and my soul—rests is when I drop into the splits. Is it biological? Is it supernatural? I do not know. All I know is that it’s ‘dance or die’ until my last breath. So maybe remember this next time you think about criticizing my ‘overwrought’ choreography.” McRae added that if she sang through her diaphragm, she would also die.
The Onion.
Timeline Of U.S. Arms Sales
The U.S. military-industrial complex is the largest in the world, supplying arms to countries across the globe. The Onion takes a look at the history of U.S. arms sales.
1790
A farmer in Rhode Island becomes the first American to sell a musket to a cow.
1831
Jebediah Lockheed meets Silas Martin.
1942
Typewriter manufacturers convert their factories to rifle production, resulting in a severe typewriter shortage on the front lines.
1976
Following the Vietnam War, all U.S. arms sold are required to include a warning label reading “for intended recipient use only.”
1985
In a controversial move, the Reagan administration sells weapons to Iran to fund the president’s experimental one-man play.
1991
Uproar ensues following the discovery that tactical banana peels sold to Iraq years earlier were later used to subject American soldiers to humiliating pratfalls.
1997
General Atomics opens a factory store selling lower quality, made-for-outlet predator drones at a steep 80% discount.
2005
That Nic Cage movie Lord Of War comes out and is, you know, pretty good.
2012
Ruger opens an Etsy shop to sell bespoke, twee grenade launchers.
2022
Dr. Jill Biden attempts to rehome Commander with a nice Canadian couple.
The Onion.
Uncarved Pumpkin Struggling With Survivor’s Guilt
RALEIGH, NC—Racked with shame as it contemplated the fact that it remained unscathed nearly a week after Halloween, a local pumpkin confirmed Friday that it was struggling with survivor’s guilt. “Of all the pumpkins that were murdered and mutilated, why was I the only one spared?” said the pumpkin, lamenting the cruel randomness that had left it unharmed while far worthier pumpkins suffered slow, horrible deaths. “They’re all gone, and I’m still here, and there’s no reason for any of it, no reason that serrated knife couldn’t have been cutting through my rind too. But here I am, and I just don’t know what to do with myself. Maybe I don’t deserve to do anything. The time for doing something was before, when the killers were taping down the carving stencils, when maybe I could’ve helped my friends. But I can’t now. There’s nothing left but this miserable unearned life that will do nothing but torture me for as long as it lasts.” At press time, the pumpkin had reportedly felt some of its burden lifted as it was chucked into the gutter to rot.
The Onion.
New Generation Clarifies They’re Fine Not Having Own ‘Cat In The Hat’
WASHINGTON—Explaining they had no deep-seated desire to “discover” the Dr. Seuss character, a new generation of moviegoers told reporters Friday that, actually, they were fine not having their own Cat In The Hat film. “No thanks, we’re all good,” said new generation spokesperson Isaiah Ashworth, representing a contingent of millions of consumers born too recently to be familiar with the 2003 film of the same name. “We’re not sure where studio executives got the impression that a new Cat In The Hat was something they needed to bring to us. It’s a bit presumptuous, no? But hey, give it a few years, and maybe you can try rebooting The Boxcar Children again.” At press time, sources confirmed a whole new generation had been dragged to theaters to see the film by their exhausted stepmoms.
The Onion.
ClickHole
Long Overdue: Nebraska Just Elected Its First Ever Anime Congressman
The Democratic Party’s effort to take back Congress from Republicans may be the biggest story of the 2026 midterms, but this result from one House race in the Midwest may be the most inspiring: Nebraska has elected its first ever anime congressman.
Yes! It’s about damn time Nebraska joined the 21st century!
House candidate X-Bop Hoshigami just made history in Nebraska’s 2nd Congressional District, becoming the very first person of Japanese-animated descent elected to office in The Cornhusker State. In a stunning upset over major party candidates Denise Powell (D) and Brinker Harding (R), Rep. X-Bop (˶>⩊<˶) ended up winning over 90% of the vote with a campaign platform promising to “keep Nebraska kaiju-free,” “expand public access to manga,” and “harness The Power Of Friendship as a renewable energy source to reduce the state’s reliance on foreign oil.”
In a celebratory speech to supporters, Rep. X-Bop, who was accompanied on stage by his anthropomorphic anime pig sidekick named Baconji, jumped in the air, flashed a peace sign to the audience in a freeze frame, and exclaimed “Ya-ha! Victory is mine!”
“Let’s harvest the 2nd Congressional District’s destiny!” shouted Rep. X-Bop before he and Baconji began noisily devouring Nebraska-grown corn, only pausing when his longtime crush, an anime schoolgirl named Hitomi, kissed him on the cheek to congratulate him on his electoral victory, causing Rep. X-Bop to blush and faint.
Hoshigami managed to win over unlikely voters such as Hank Adkins, 53, a long-haul trucker living in Carleton, NE, who says he didn’t fully understand Rep. X-Bop’s policies, corporeality, or what anime even is, but felt that the 2nd District needed change, and that he’d rather “roll the dice on a foreign animated boy with a positive attitude instead of another Republican or Democrat.”
How inspiring is this? If an anime congressman can win office in Nebraska of all places, there’s hope for our country yet!
To see voters in a typically red state like Nebraska open to the idea of an anime congressman is truly amazing. It’s easy to feel cynical about the direction America is heading, but Rep. X-Bop Hoshigami is proof that progress is still possible and worth fighting for. Simply amazing!
The End Of Fare Evasion: NYC’s Subway Fare Gates Have Been Replaced By A Little Guy Who Bites You If You Don’t Pay
The era of hopping turnstiles is officially over in the Big Apple, because the MTA just fixed the problem of fare evasion once and for all: NYC’s subway fare gates have been replaced by a little guy who bites you if you don’t pay.
Wow. If a small biting man doesn’t deter fare evaders, truly nothing will!
As of today, New York has removed fare gates from all MTA subway stops throughout the city and replaced them with a little man, who will bite anyone that tries to access the subway without paying, regardless of the fare evader’s age, race, or gender. In a statement announcing the new fare evasion policy, NYC Mayor Zohran Mamdani emphasized that “every subway rider’s fare is important for funding subway maintenance” and that “once the little guy bites a fare evader, he will not let go until the fare has been collected.”
“We’re confident a small man who bites will be a more effective, cost-efficient way to collect New York subway fare than traditional gates and turnstiles,” wrote Mayor Mamdani in the statement. “Even if fare evaders make it onto a train before the little guy can bite them, the little guy will be waiting for them at the next stop, where he will sprint into the subway car as soon as the doors open and clamp his down on the fat of the fare evader’s thigh until they present the $3.00 they should have paid in the first place. While testing the small biting man system, those who were bit say his bite was similar to that of a horse, with teeth not sharp enough to draw blood, but an amount of biting pressure painful enough to teach them a lesson.”
According to Mamdani, the city is hiring one little guy for each of New York’s 472 subway stations, and they are set to receive “an entry-level salary of $91,000 to bite turnstile hoppers, a small tradeoff to save the city billions in fare evasion over the next decade.”
Absolutely brilliant. Hats off to Mayor Mamdani and the MTA for devising such an elegant solution to one of NYC’s longest-standing issues. Everyone who criticized Mamdani’s push for free buses is eating crow now that NY will be collecting billions in fare that would’ve been lost without his small biting guys. The greatest city in the world just got even greater!
Yikes: President Trump’s Latest Plan To Fix Obamacare Is For Everyone To Get A Nurse Friend They Can Text Pictures Of Their Weird Rashes To
As the Trump administration continues scaling back the Affordable Care Act, the cuts to Obamacare leave many low income individuals wondering what to do for healthcare. Sadly, President Trump’s newest roadmap for them isn’t exactly well thought-out: Trump’s latest plan to fix Obamacare is for everyone to get a nurse friend they can text pictures of their weird rashes to.
Woof. Well it’s better than nothing, we guess?
As a White House spokesperson explained at a press conference earlier today, “Starting early 2027, it’s recommended that anyone who has been denied for health insurance instead befriend a nurse they can casually send pictures of their rashes to, a service which will be no-to-low cost.” The spokesperson continued to explain that the nurse will be able to tell if it’s just some random hives that needs a little cortisone or if it’s seriously infected MRSA.
“As long as you don’t annoy the nurse friend too much—like definitely don’t just send her a standard mosquito bite, save this for when you really need it—she will likely continue to do this for you forever, so it’s actually even better than a healthcare plan, which often changes year-to-year,” added the spokesperson. “And you can also text her about other stuff, cancer, diabetes, et cetera, so that’s good too.”
The White House then declined to answer any questions about what will happen if the nurse friend suggests you do need actual medical care for the rash, cancer, diabetes, or anything else.
Yikes. This definitely isn’t going to be that reassuring for any Americans who’ll be kicked off their health insurance plans soon, but it seems like their only option is to go hang around a hospital parking lot and try making friends with a nurse.
Pathetic: FBI Director Kash Patel Is Trying To Play Off The Human Centipede He Was Surgically Added To As A Halloween Costume
Between a never-ending stream of bizarre media appearances and internal complaints about his excessive drinking, FBI Director Kash Patel is steadily eroding confidence in our country’s federal law enforcement. However, just when you thought he’d brought enough shame to the FBI, he does this: Kash Patel is trying to play off the human centipede he was surgically added to as a Halloween costume.
It really doesn’t get more pathetic than this. How can anyone take the FBI seriously when it’s run by someone attached to a literal human centipede?!
Yesterday, FBI Director Kash Patel arrived to a press conference with his mouth sewn to the anus of an unidentified woman, and his anus sewn to mouth of an unidentified man, which a spokesperson for the FBI claimed was part of Patel’s elaborate “Halloween costume.” Patel was accompanied by 12 other strangers in total, all surgically sewn together orifice-to-orifice into a human centipede, with Patel serving as the center link in the chain of nude, wailing people. Unable to answer a reporter’s question about the FBI’s unconstitutional probes of anti-ICE protestors, Patel instead scribbled “i cant wait for halloween” on a legal pad through tears, visibly suffering as the person whose anus his mouth was sewn to began to pass a heavy bowel movement into Patel.
According to sources, a number of FBI employees were caught off-guard and dismayed by Patel’s “viscerally upsetting” press appearance, expressing outrage that “the people attached to Patel’s mouth and anus were non-FBI personnel, meaning people with zero security clearance are now privy to sensitive information concerning active investigations.”
“It’s beyond unprofessional for the acting FBI Director to wear a Halloween costume on the job, so that would be a poor excuse for conducting FBI business from the center of a human centipede even if it were true—which it clearly isn’t,” said an Executive Assistant Director at the bureau, speaking on the condition of anonymity. “To wind up in a human centipede and then blatantly lie about it just to save face speaks volumes about Kash Patel’s character. In my 20 years at the bureau, I’ve never seen leadership undermine itself in such reckless, demoralizing fashion.”
Just pitiful. Mr. Patel has single-handedly turned the FBI into a national laughingstock.
President Trump needs to replace Kash Patel ASAP if he cares about the FBI maintaining a shred of integrity––that is, if this distraction hasn’t destroyed it entirely. Showing up to work naked, weeping, and sewn ass-to-mouth with a dozen strangers would get you fired from most other jobs, but apparently not in the Trump administration. America is so screwed, isn’t it? Ugh.
A Total Toss-Up: It’s Impossible To Tell Whether Everyone In This Small Town Bar Is Dressed For Halloween Or That’s Just What People Look Like There
Folks, we can’t make heads or tails of this. There’s an absolute headscratcher of a situation going on with this upstate New York dive: It’s impossible to tell whether everyone in this small town bar is dressed for Halloween, or that’s just what people look like there.
Either these people are in Halloween costumes, or they look that way all the time, and both answers have an equal likelihood of being true. This is a true coin flip.
With outfits and demeanors ranging from eccentric to downright frightening, no one could be faulted for assuming that the clientele of Knoxie’s Pub in Lafayette, NY went all out for Halloween, or that the area simply fosters a socioeconomic class of people who always look like that. From the three greasy, cackling men in flannels who could easily be doing a three-person group costume referencing Deliverance, to the nurse with conspicuous cleavage and too much makeup flirting with an eye-patched man in a fisherman’s slicker, it’s a total toss-up whether these people came straight from work or Party City.
To the naked eye, every bargoer in Knoxie’s Pub exists in the razor-thin margin between real-life archetypes and Halloween costume stereotypes. There are only two places where you’ll see genuine hippies in Baja hoodies and dreadlocks drinking alongside bandana-wearing, mustached bikers: a Halloween party, or an upstate New York dive bar. Knoxie’s Pub seems to be a genuine liminal space separating the two, because there is no telling if this is what the regulars look like on any given day, or just on October 31st.
There’s literally an old man with yellow-y skin and a bolo tie–who, if he isn’t dressed as Grandpa Simpson, needs to go to a hospital, because he’s clearly dying of liver disease or something–getting ejected by a bouncer wearing Stone Cold Steve Austin-style jeans and leather vest. It is a complete enigma.
Halloween, and just any other night at this pub…what’s the difference? Your guess is as good as ours.
Until someone goes into this bar and asks, the question of whether these people love Halloween or their natural appearance just serves as Halloween costume inspo will remain a complete mystery. Festive or not, cheers to the people of Knoxie’s Pub for looking like that, whatever the reason may be!
Duffel Blog
Pete Hegseth picks wrong week to stop drinking
ARLINGTON, Va. — Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth's pledge to stop drinking, first made to senators during his January 2025 confirmation, officially took effect at 0001 Tuesday after spending 21 months in the Pentagon staffing process, roughly 19 hours before the polls closed."The pledge was submitted on time," said Lt. Col. Brandon Kessler, the secretary's executive officer. "But it needed chops from Legal, Public Affairs, the Joint Staff, and three offices that no longer exist because he fired everyone in them. Then it sat in a SIPR inbox for eight months. By the time it routed back to the front office, the effective date was election night. Nobody could have predicted that."What followed, according to staff, was the longest 48 hours in the E-Ring since the leaked Signal chat that plagued Hegseth earlier this year.By 2100 Tuesday, Democrats had taken the House. By 2300, they had flipped the Senate. Shortly after midnight, Texas turned blue, an event the secretary's staff initially reported to him as a cyberattack.Then came South Carolina's 1st District, where voters elected retired Vice Adm. Nancy Lacore, whom Hegseth fired in 2025 after 35 years of service. Lacore will now help oversee the budget of the department that fired her, a career progression Navy detailers have quietly begun recommending to other flag officers."The secretary just stared at the map for a while," said one staffer. "Then he asked if anyone had a nonalcoholic beer. Then he asked if 0.5% was technically a violation. Then he asked Legal to put that question in a staffing package, and Legal said they'd have an answer in roughly 21 months."Wednesday brought no relief. By midmorning, reports surfaced that President Donald Trump had been asking advisers whether Hegseth should keep his job, with Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis floated as a replacement. The president then told reporters Hegseth was doing "a very good job," a phrase Pentagon historians say carries roughly the same weight as a negative counseling statement.Kentucky Rep. Thomas Massie has promised articles of impeachment as soon as Congress returns next week, and North Carolina Sen. Thom Tillis, who cast the pivotal vote to confirm Hegseth, said the secretary now faces "a reckoning." Officials say Hegseth responded the way he responds to all adversity: 300 push-ups, a rapid review of DEI in the Army Field Band, and a demand that the J-3 develop courses of action.The resulting brief, which leaked via Signal chat, offered three:COA 1: Weather the storm. Assessed risk: HIGH.COA 2: Secure appointment to the Tennessee Senate seat being vacated by Marsha Blackburn. Assessed risk: MODERATE, pending Blackburn replying to his texts.COA 3: Bourbon. Assessed risk: LOW. Not recommended (pledge in effect as of 0001 03NOV26).The secretary also asked whether the election results could be revised the same way the department has revised its Iran war casualty figures, and was gently informed that the Associated Press does not report to him.He spent much of the afternoon refreshing the Mississippi Senate race, where the Republican incumbent trailed by 65 votes, with the focus of a man who has not had a drink in 36 hours.By late Wednesday, however, Legal had finally returned something useful: the pledge, as written, applies only while Hegseth serves as secretary."So he's in a unique position," Kessler said. "Every hour he survives in this job is another hour he can't have a drink. He's the first cabinet secretary in history with a personal stake in his own impeachment."At press time, Hegseth had called Massie's office to ask whether the articles could be expedited.
Pentagon confident U.S. will be ready for 2027 war with China by 2035
THE PENTAGON — Pentagon officials expressed optimism this week that the United States will be fully prepared to fight its anticipated 2027 war with China by 2035, citing steady progress toward rebuilding depleted munitions stockpiles, repairing warships and alienating every remaining American ally."We're in excellent shape," said a senior defense official. "Our projections show we'll have everything we need to fight the 2027 war with China by 2035, possibly 2034 if Congress approves the supplemental."The official emphasized that entering a major conflict at a severe disadvantage was consistent with historically proven American methods of achieving victory."Look, America loves an underdog story," he said. "We're on track to exhaust our munitions stockpiles, drydock our entire naval fleet, and alienate all our allies by January. Historically, that's how America wins wars."Pentagon officials also disclosed details of confidential negotiations with their Chinese counterparts, noting that both sides remained open to starting the conflict with an invasion of Taiwan or something with a little more historical significance."We're calling it the Marco Rubio Bridge Incident," explained one official. "We'll send an entire brigade combat team into China looking for a missing private and simply refuse to leave once we find him."Officials acknowledged that the soldier would probably turn up back at the barracks before the invasion began, but insisted historical accuracy was essential to the operation."The Chinese have been very cooperative," the official added. "They've even offered to provide the missing private."President Donald Trump thanked Beijing for the offer but insisted the United States already had a suitable candidate."We've got a former Marine living rent-free at the Naval Observatory," Trump said. "All he does is fuck things up, and apparently the couch, too. Beautiful couch. I'm calling him back to active duty, sending him into China, and declaring him missing before he even lands."Trump said Chinese officials had already offered to return the Marine."I told them, 'You send him back, that's an act of war.'"Despite the administration's confidence, Pentagon planners warned that Russia, China, and Iran were rapidly expanding their military arsenals while American stockpiles remained depleted by ongoing operations in the Middle East."They're years ahead of us," said a senior defense official. "If we wait until 2035 to fight the 2027 war, they'll already be preparing for 2045, and we're not ready for that until 2065."The official expressed frustration with Congress and the defense industry over their failure to replenish American weapons inventories following months of fighting with Iran."We've had an entire year to buy more missiles, and all we got was this stupid T-shirt."The shirt read, "Peace Through Lethality."Pentagon officials said they were working closely with defense contractors to accelerate production, though several programs remained on schedule to deliver their first operational weapons systems shortly after the wars they were designed to fight."We're not worried about that," one official said. "By 2035, we're confident the 2027 war will be going well enough that somebody will still need the equipment."At press time, Vice President JD Vance had been spotted sporting a fresh high-and-tight and taking intensive Mandarin lessons, developments the White House insisted were entirely unrelated to ongoing negotiations with China.SECDEF_Nice served in Army Civil Affairs and specialized in failing to influence populations and occasionally his own chain-of-command. Support him at Foxhole Briefs or Royal Road. Follow him on Twitter, Facebook, or Instagram.
Hegseth wears Eisenhower's globe as Halloween costume
THE PENTAGON — Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth won the Pentagon's annual Halloween costume contest Friday after dressing as a globe once owned by Gen. Dwight D. Eisenhower, transforming a priceless military artifact recently damaged by his staff into what aides described as a powerful statement of American military leadership.The costume, dubbed "Pete the Planet," featured the 30-inch globe with a large hole around Antarctica through which Hegseth could insert his body."Most people see a broken globe," Hegseth reportedly told partygoers. "I see an opportunity to make the world great again."The idea came after members of Hegseth's staff accidentally dropped the historic globe while attempting to move it into his office earlier this year. The collision punched a hole through Antarctica and detached the priceless artifact from its mount.Rather than wait for professional conservators to repair the globe, Hegseth reportedly ordered his staff to enlarge the opening so he could fit inside."We spend billions defending those fucking penguins, and what have they ever done for us?" Hegseth asked.Additional holes were cut through Greenland, Canada, most NATO countries and Taiwan to accommodate the secretary's arms and allow him to flex his biceps during conversations with foreign military attachés.Aides said they were careful to avoid damaging countries among some of America's closest allies since January 2025, such as Russia, China, and North Korea."Secretary Hegseth believes in maintaining strong relationships with countries that understand strength," one official explained. "Eisenhower was a great general, but he wasted a lot of time building alliances with weak-ass European nations."Ukraine was initially marked for removal, but Hegseth instead attached a miniature blinking Starlink satellite over the country."He likes being able to switch it on and off," one aide said. "It makes him feel like he's controlling the war."
Spirit Halloween store to become pop-up ICE detention center
TUSCALOOSA, Ala. — A former PetSmart that recently became a Spirit Halloween store will undergo another transformation next month when Immigration and Customs Enforcement converts the vacant retail space into a temporary detention center.The announcement marks the third tenant in six months for the struggling strip mall, whose remaining businesses include a sandwich shop closed for health violations and an Armed Forces Recruiting Center."We really thought Spirit Halloween was going to bring some stability to the neighborhood," said cashier Amanda Miller. "But apparently four and a half weeks is a long-term commitment now."The conversion is part of a new DHS initiative to establish detention facilities in vacant retail properties, allowing ICE to rapidly relocate detainees into buildings that were never intended to hold human beings."Spirit Halloween has perfected this model," said one ICE contracting official. "Find an abandoned building, move in practically overnight, scare the shit out of everybody and disappear before anyone figures out what happened."Officials said the agency was particularly impressed by Spirit Halloween's ability to operate without permanent infrastructure, experienced personnel or any apparent obligation to remain in one location."It's basically our existing detention strategy, but with better signage."Contractors said converting the former costume store would require minimal renovations."We're putting two portable toilets on the sales floor, installing some temporary fencing, and adding air conditioning to the manager's office," one contractor said. "The building already has kennels from when it was a PetSmart, so that's a huge savings."The air conditioning will be reserved for ICE personnel.DHS emphasized that the facility is not a prison, since prisons are required to meet substantially more demanding standards.Several Halloween decorations will remain in place to reduce costs. Officials said the animatronic skeletons, flickering lights, and prerecorded screams would help discourage detainees from attempting to escape."Honestly, the fake chains hanging from the ceiling are a nice touch," said one agent. "We were going to install real ones, but procurement said the funding wasn't there."The agency also plans to retain the store's original customer-service desk, which will serve as the facility's legal assistance office.A sign reading NO REFUNDS OR EXCHANGES will remain posted above the counter.Local officials welcomed the development, predicting that the temporary detention center would bring jobs and renewed economic activity to the strip mall."We're talking about seasonal employment, security contracts and potentially dozens of federal agents buying energy drinks," said one county official. "That's economic development."Applications have reportedly surged among local airsoft enthusiasts, former security guards, and men who once attended military boot camp before being sent home for reasons they prefer not to discuss."I've wanted to serve my country for years," said newly-hired agent Roscoe Williams, adjusting a tactical vest he'd purchased at the Halloween store. "They told me I couldn't be a cop, but apparently this is different."Williams said his previous law enforcement application had been rejected following a domestic violence complaint.DHS officials said the facility would close when its short-term lease expires, after which detainees would be transferred to another location."That's the beauty of the model," one official explained. "By the time the lawyers figure out where everybody went, we've already opened somewhere else."Spirit Halloween employees expressed disappointment but said they understood the business decision."We specialize in making abandoned places terrifying for a few weeks," Miller said. "I guess ICE just found a way to do it year-round."At press time, Spirit Halloween's going-out-of-business sale had completely sold out of military uniforms, tactical vests, and fake police badges.The remaining merchandise consisted of three witches' hats, a plastic skeleton, and a costume labeled ACCOUNTABLE GOVERNMENT OFFICIAL, which had never been removed from its original packaging.
Army FRG unveils haunted house featuring spouses saying ‘I’m fine’
FORT BRAGG, N.C. — The 82nd Airborne Division's Soldier and Family Readiness Group has unveiled a new Halloween haunted house featuring some of the most terrifying scenarios in military life, including missed anniversaries, mandatory volunteer opportunities and spouses quietly insisting that everything is fine."We wanted something that would genuinely frighten our soldiers," said event organizer Amanda Collins. "After reviewing the usual haunted house stuff — ghosts, zombies, chainsaws — we realized none of that compares to coming home and hearing your wife say, 'We need to talk.'"The attraction begins in a dimly lit living room decorated for Christmas. A soldier enters to find an undecorated tree, unopened presents and a spouse sitting silently on the couch.How was your day?" the soldier asks."Fine," the spouse replies.When the soldier asks whether something is wrong, the spouse responds, "Nothing."Visitors are then required to identify what they did wrong before being permitted to leave. So far, no participant has successfully completed the room.The next attraction, the Mandatory Fun Maze, features an enthusiastic FRG volunteer armed with a clipboard and a list of upcoming family events."We'd love your help with the bake sale," she tells visitors.Soldiers who decline are informed that participation is completely voluntary and asked why they don't care about supporting the unit.Those who agree are immediately assigned three dozen cupcakes, two car washes, and responsibility for organizing the commander's holiday party.Several soldiers reportedly remain trapped inside.The Permanent Change of Station Labyrinth features hundreds of moving boxes, missing household goods and a spouse sitting in an empty kitchen."Did you remember to schedule the movers?" she asks.When visitors respond that transportation said everything was taken care of, she smiles."That's fine."The room then goes completely dark.
Daily Mash
AI sell-off endangering livelihoods of some real pricks
THE global plunge in AI-related stock means a number of absolute copper-bottomed wankshafts are facing hilarious bankruptcy.
From San Francisco to London to Singapore, money-obsessed bastards who succeeded in persuading stock markets that computers which get things wrong were the future of technology are white-faced and cancelling yacht purchases.
Market analyst Joseph Turner said: “Did you convince all your clients to invest heavily in overpriced chip manufacturers, on the grounds they could only go up? Guess what, motherf**kers.
“Yes, with AI you can play as Sonic the Hedgehog in Grand Theft Auto. Yes, that makes for a mildly diverting clip for social media. But perhaps placing multiple billion-dollar bets on it being the future of humanity was unwise.
“That’s what a collection of the world’s most venal, lying arseholes are realising today. Their money is gone, their jobs are gone, their personal futures depended upon a future the rest of the world has comprehensively rejected. What joy.”
At press time president Trump had come out as ‘100% in favour of Super Intelligence (SI)’ causing stocks to fall even further.
Cowardly boyfriend proposes via text
A PATHETIC, spineless man has popped the question to his long-term girlfriend via text.
Having dated Ellie Shaw for two years, and slowly felt his love for her grow, Jack Browne asked her to make their relationship a serious lifelong commitment with a brief message on his Android phone.
Browne said: “I know really I should ask her to marry me in person. But even if she said yes she’d only start crying and make a scene. This is much better.
“Anyway she would have got suspicious if I’d whisked her off on holiday and taken her out for a fancy meal. I think it’s fine. It’s not like I got a friend to ask her to marry me on my behalf. I even used proper spelling and grammar for that ‘major life event’ touch.
“I explained we’d become very close, soulmates even, and I wanted us to be together for the rest of our lives. Then I included a ring emoji and four kisses at the end to seal the deal.
“I’m just a bit worried because I’ve been left on read for hours now. Sure it only takes two seconds to type ‘I do’?”
Shaw said: “I’m not entirely happy that Jack decided to do this by text. Still, at least I can just put a picture of the ultrasound I just got on our WhatsApp group.”
We might have needed some serious societal self-examination if this wasn’t the BBC’s and the left’s fault
BRITAIN has breathed a sigh of relief that the crimes of Russell Brand were not the fault of his industry or his audience or the patriarchy but the BBC.
After the comedian’s conviction for rape and sexual assault yesterday, the country was preparing for a long hard look at its own culpability in laughing along with a serial sexual predator when it was thankfully pinned on the usual targets.
Tom Booker of Chester said: “Phew. I thought I was going to have to examine the deep-rooted reasons why I briefly considered a man who rose to fame on the back of a narrative of vile behaviour a hero.
“I may have rippy-wipped his Booky-Wook up and thrown it in the binny-win, but I still bought it. And the sequel. And that f**king awful one about revolution.
“I thought his narrative of addiction, lies, coercing women into sex, lies, theft, lies and betrayal was funny. I lent it out to friends. And it wasn’t just me, he was massively famous and we all ignored the many, many serious questions.
“Still, thankfully in this country there are no ethical dilemmas that can’t be solved by defunding the BBC and promising never to vote Labour again. Never mind that it was Channel 4 that made him famous and he was against voting. I’m a good person.”
He added: “Also I never watched any telly in the 00s, or read Heat magazine, or the tabloids, and when I saw bad behaviour I pursed my lips and tutted. There. That should cover me.”
How to have a bullshit career in fashion like Kanye and the rest
THIS week Kanye West held his own fashion show in LA, and all the celebs supposedly design clothes these days. They’ve got no training in it, so why not have a go yourself? Here’s how.
Launch your own trainers
Kanye’s blob-like Yeezy trainers are hideous, so don’t worry if your childish designs look like potatoes with laces. You’ve probably twigged that celebrity fashion is mostly about publicity, so you’ll be fine if your wife can be persuaded to show everyone her arse crack whenever you go somewhere together.
Don’t say what you actually contributed
Did Billie Eilish do a degree in footwear design before teaming up with Nike? What exactly was Beyonce’s role in the production of her Ivy Park range? We’ll never know, and your contribution should be equally opaque. So what if it’s like saying you cleaned the oven when all you did was pass your partner the Mr Muscle spray?
Think of a logo
Drake’s clothing line appears to be just normal men’s coats, but crucially he decided it should have an owl logo. Credit due for thinking of such an original creature no one has ever ascribed symbolic values to before. Clearly your logo is very important. What about an ocelot? That’s already 50 times more creative than Drake’s effort.
Don’t work too hard at it
Gwyneth Paltrow’s ‘Gwyn’ range appears to be designed for people who love boring clothes, so follow her lead and don’t waste your time trying to make anything memorable. How about a black blazer? A pretty standard cropped cardigan, cream? Slightly flared work trousers, also black? Those exciting new fashion options must have taken some intensive brainstorming to come up with.
Pretend you’ve brilliantly adapted to a new career
Like Victoria Beckham, you used to have a totally different job, but now you’re a top fashion designer. Well done for adapting to such a competitive, high-profile new career. Omit to mention that you could have painted the f**king Sistine Chapel if Michelangelo and all his helpers had been doing the actual work for you.
Model your own clothes
This worked a treat for Kim Kardashian and Skims. However you may not have a massive arse or the resources to hold a fashion show, so just model your range of skintight shapewear Y-fronts in Asda. There’s no such thing as bad publicity. Except maybe being on the Sex Offenders Register.
Be famous
This is vital to selling unremarkable clothing, so it should probably have been the first piece of advice. Oh well. Becoming famous is a challenge but there are shortcuts, like taking up a Winter Olympics sport almost no one in Britain does. Like Eddie the Eagle, it doesn’t matter if you’re shit, and it’s less messy than becoming a serial killer.
Guardian reader cowering from fireworks
DEAFENING fireworks will be causing a Guardian reader to scurry for cover behind his sofa tonight.
Quivering left-wing newspaper reader Nathan Muir will be spending 5th November in his usual position crouched behind a settee due to the loud bangs that spook him every year.
Muir’s wife and owner Sarah said: “It’s not just the noise that scares him. The fireworks have a carbon footprint which terrifies him too.
“I wish people would be more considerate before letting them off. Not everyone’s got a big, brave Sun reader at home whose primitive brain enjoys this sort of pointless, flashy display.
“I’ve tried calming Nathan down by cranking up Clair de lune and chucking a sudoku puzzle into his safe space, but it never works. He just whimpers about how privileged he is to have someone looking after him and starts crying.
“Shit, his pathetic yelps have set off all the other Guardian readers on the street. They’ll be howling about how fireworks are due to the patriarchy or something all night. I’ll be lucky to get him to sleep.”
Muir said: “Oh my God, these fireworks are a problematic appropriation of Chinese culture, I think I’m going to piss myself.”
