WASHINGTON—Opening his eyes after nodding off for several minutes at his desk in the Oval Office, President Donald Trump is said to have awoken Friday from a beautiful dream about kissing an underage girl only to find himself being licked in the face by a St. Bernard. “Oh yeah, Vanessa, I love how slobbery your kisses are,” said the commander-in-chief, the last vestiges of the dream state in which he was making out with a 14-year-old model reportedly disappearing to be replaced by the reality of a large dog with its paws on his shoulders enthusiastically lapping at his face. “Mm, your long, brown hair is so soft and luxurious, and I can feel your hot breath on my neck. You’ve got to be one of the sexiest teenagers under 18 ever. Ooh, yeah!”  At press time, sources confirmed Trump had had fallen asleep again only to be woken by a tail repeatedly whacking him in the face.

The post Trump Wakes From Beautiful Dream Kissing Underage Girl To Find Face Being Licked By St. Bernard appeared first on The Onion.

The post Suspect Waits Patiently While Cop Sounds Out Miranda Rights appeared first on The Onion.

Tallahassee Memorial Healthcare sued a patient who refused to depart her room after being discharged last October, claiming she is diverting resources that could be used to help others. What do you think?

“Once the bleeding’s stopped, everything else is pampering.”

Stuart Corbell, Systems Analyst

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“You don’t give up a remote-controlled mattress for anybody.”

Gary Ziang, Bean Roaster

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“So selfish. Another patient could be going bankrupt in that bed right now.”

Emma Garvin, Equine Biographer

The post Florida Hospital Sues To Evict Patient Discharged 5 Months Ago appeared first on The Onion.

A bipartisan group of Oregon lawmakers approved $2.1 million to buy the 92-foot-tall Abiqua Falls after it was put up for sale on Redifin, the previous Benedictine monk owners having put the natural wonder on the market earlier this year. What do you think?

“Pretty high price for a used waterfall.”

Alvaro Peña, Blog Consultant

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“$2.1 million for only 92 feet?!”

Ester Cornett, Noise Analyst

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“They’ll probably just turn it into an Airbnb.”

Raymond Uttley, Unemployed

The post Lawmakers Buy Waterfall On Redfin appeared first on The Onion.

NEW YORK—Pulling the plug on the religion in light of a newly released video featuring church member Taylor Frankie Paul, ABC announced Friday it was canceling Mormonism. “After reviewing this disturbing footage, we have made the decision not to move forward with the Mormon faith,” read a statement from parent company Disney Entertainment Television that shocked fans of the long-running Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. “We understand this last-minute decision may throw a wrench into your Sunday plans. However, our focus is on supporting authorities in their investigation of this church.” At press time, ABC confirmed Mormonism would be temporarily replaced with Shakerism.

The post ABC Cancels Mormonism appeared first on The Onion.

JUDEA — With his fellow apostle scoring nicknames from Jesus like "The Rock" and "Sons of Thunder", the Apostle James admitted to feeling a tad bit disappointed with being christened "The Lesser".

If you’ve always dreaded being on jury duty because you were worried your judge wouldn’t be able to easily remove your tampon for you from his bench, you’re in luck: Tampax has introduced a tampon with a string long enough for them to do just that! 

Did somebody say GAME CHANGER?!

Tampax’s new Jury Duty line solves a problem that has plagued women since they were universally allowed to sit on juries in 1973: that way-too-short string that makes it practically impossible for the judge to tug your tampon out from all the way up at the bench. Tampax’s new Jury Duty tamps come in 40-foot, 70-foot, and 130-foot string options to choose from depending on the size of your courtroom, each with plenty of slack for the judge to really wrap that puppy around their hand and give that bad boy a yank and send it on its way. 

And they aren’t just for judges either! These strings are long enough that the bailiff, the stenographer, or even the defendant can take your tampon out for you so you can continue to focus on providing a fair trial.

Yep. All it’s going to take to get your tampon removed now during jury duty is a knowing nod and a clear path between you and the judge. This is so, so nice. 

This is one of those products that, when it comes out, you’re shocked that no one thought of it before. There’s almost no reason to buy standard, run-of-the-mill tampons anymore. Sign us up for a Costco bulk box of the 130-foot string version, please!

If your friends live like pigs but are awesome to hang out with, we’ve got great news for you: Hanes has released a line of socks that are already covered in dog hair and little pieces of cereal that you can wear to your friend’s lowkey disgusting house.

Awesome! 

A true tragedy of modern life is that the people who are the most fun to chill with often live like slobs, and so, whenever you’re hanging at their place, your socks get immediately covered with all sorts of crap that barely even comes off when you wash them.  Fortunately, with Disgustings by Hanes, the company’s newest line of socks, you’ll never have to worry about ruining your clean socks ever again, because the socks will come pre-littered with strands of dog hair, gross little burnt crumbs from indecipherable foods, and little pieces of torn paper and envelopes (probably from unpaid bills).

“It’s never made any sense to us why people whose homes are full of trash insist you have to take off your shoes when you visit their house, and yet, that’s just what they do, even though it destroys your nice socks in the process,” said Hanes in a press release. “With our new Disgusting line, you’ll never have to waste time cleaning vague gunk from your tube socks, because your tube socks were already covered in gunk to begin with.”

So much yes!

Shout out to Hanes for seriously changing the game with this one. Tag your disgusting friend below to let them know you’ll be wearing these socks to their house soon!

There’s toxic masculinity, and then there’s this: 

This man’s body has a penis and testicles hanging right off of it. 

This is NOT a good look. 

Devin Reed of Cambridge, Massachusetts might as well be waving a flag that says “I’M TOXIC” on it, because he’s got a penis and testicles that are dangling right down off of his body in the place between his legs where his vagina or small patch of nothing is supposed to be. 

When he’s in public, he tries to hide them with underwear. He tries to hide them with pants. He puts a towel in his lap whenever he gets an erection. 

But none of those things can hide the truth. 

He’s got a penis, and he’s got testicles, and they are DIRECTLY attached to his body, which makes it pretty clear he doesn’t see any problem with having them.

And they are ALWAYS flopping around. 

This man has a wrinkly, hairy scrotum that is FILLED with two egg-sized testicles and a penis, glans and all, draped down over them. We can only imagine what kind of SPERM, URINE, and other toxic male chemicals and waste products are inside of these awful organs. 

YUCK. 

There is simply no room for this kind of thing in today’s society. Full stop. 

But do you want to know the worst part?

There are men (and even women) out there who will applaud this. Celebrate it. Admire it. Young boys will see these penis and testicles and think, “I want those hanging off my body too.” Toxic masculinity is like a virus, and once you’ve got the bug, things like having a penis and testicles RIGHT THERE BETWEEN YOUR LEGS become normalized. 

It’s the media. It’s our culture. It’s pornography. It’s anatomy textbooks. 

But no matter how much you’ve been conditioned, remember: This is NOT normal. 

And this is not OK.

This is amazing: PornHub has just introduced a new feature that will alert a random convenience store cashier in the US anytime you access PornHub. This is going to make the experience of using porn a lot more like it was in the 1980s, when you had to buy your porn from whoever was working behind the register at 7/11. Will this new hurdle help people fight porn addiction, or are you going to keep using PornHub just as much as before? Sound off in the comments!

IRAN — As the War in Iran enters its second month, international markets are already feeling the impact of shipments either delayed or altogether prevented from coming through the Strait of Hormuz. But American defense officials stress that the Strait is currently open and will remain open if you aren’t a bitch.

“Iranian mines and missile attacks are a real threat if you’re a pussy,” said U.S. Ambassador to the Middle East Jake Paul. “However, for those ships who are about that life, the Strait remains navigable.”

The Strait of Hormuz — the only maritime passage from the Persian Gulf to the open ocean — remains one of the world’s most critical chokepoints for global energy supply.

Shortly after the war began, Iran seeded the waterway with mines, effectively halting traffic for what Pentagon officials described as “captains with no fucking balls."

“Let me be clear: we did not underestimate Iran,” said Secretary of Warmaxxing Pete Hegseth. “We underestimated the number of tankers that would get sand in their vaginas over getting blown up and sunk.”

International partners have expressed concern over the Pentagon’s apparent lack of a coherent plan to restore normal shipping operations.

“We asked them what the plan was to deal with the mines,” said French Foreign Minister Pierre LePierre. “They told us to 'stop talking about it and to start being about it' with a meme about how everyone is a gangsta until it's time to do gangsta shit.”

The White House defended the approach, saying it is already producing results with ships beginning to show themselves as real ones by attempting to transit the waterway.

“On Tuesday, multiple oil tankers who have that dog in them crossed the Strait,” said Mike Lindell, recently appointed Chief of American Defense Strategy in Iran. “We expect this will lead to additional craft nutting up to reopen this vital supply line.”

Regional experts say ships that have successfully crossed the Strait typically notify Iran in advance that “today is not the day" and that they are not the one. Meanwhile, they advised any craft attacked while passing through the Strait that they should try being a fucking man for once in their goddamned life.

WASHINGTON — The Department of War is still struggling to explain what is happening with Iran while refusing to use what officials call “the ‘W’ word,” sources confirmed today.

Rumors have circulated for days of a full-blown — ahem — “thing” between the United States and its longtime regional adversary, but department officials declined to characterize the situation any further.

“We’re seeing each other acrimoniously,” said Secretary of War Pete Hegseth. “We don’t want to get ahead of ourselves.”

The department later issued internal guidance directing staff to describe the ongoing operation as a “hostile situationship” or “foreign entanglement we sought to avoid.”

Still, a cadre of increasingly frustrated reporters pressed Hegseth to clarify whether the United States was, in fact, at war.

“It turns out the word ‘war’ comes with a lot of baggage — like congressional oversight,” Hegseth said. “So we knew we had to change the name again, because we are not fighting any wars.”

Officials said several alternatives are under consideration, including “Department of Preemptive Aggression,” “Department of Explosions,” and “Military Department.”

“We briefly liked ‘Department of Aggression’ because it tested poorly with liberals,” one official said. “Then it tested poorly with conservatives too. At that point we realized we may have painted ourselves into a corner renaming it from ‘Department of Defense,’ which, in hindsight, was actually a pretty solid name.”

The compromise option, “Liberty Department,” was reportedly rejected because “no one could say it with a straight face.”

ARLINGTON, Va. — A local man who says he is “closely monitoring the rapidly evolving situation in Iran” admitted that his analysis largely consists of scrolling through videos posted by attractive Middle Eastern influencers celebrating the death of Ayatollah Ali Khamenei, sources confirmed today.

“I’m just trying to stay informed,” said Kyle McDonough after watching the same dance video of smoking-hot Persian influencer and PhD student Mooné Rahimi for the 37th time while insisting he is keeping tabs on everything happening in and around Iran.

McDonough said his geopolitical interest began after a video appeared in his feed starring influencer Goldie Ghamari.

“She was explaining the historical significance of the moment,” said McDonough a former defense contractor-turned-amateur open source intelligence analyst, replaying the video again. “Also she winked and said ‘freedom for Iran,’ which I think has major implications for regional stability.”

“That wink was for me," he added.

Since then, McDonough told reporters that he's been using LiveUAMap to get real-time updates on the war and definitely not endlessly scrolling through viral thirst trap videos on Instagram Reels and TikTok.

Meanwhile, friends say McDonough has spent the past several days forwarding videos of glamorous Iranian influencers to group chats with captions such as “Important update from Tehran.” He has also expanded his research to include popular “Women of the Israel Defense Force” social media accounts.

“These accounts provide critical regional context,” McDonough explained while watching a video of Israeli OnlyFans model Gal Gool in which she claims to have personally eliminated the Iranian Supreme Leader with what she called “two Israeli missiles" on her chest.

Some Middle East experts believe Western men may be radicalized by the growing influence of online “ji-hotties,” an alliance of Instagram models and TikTokers from Iran, Israel, and the Kurdish Women’s Protection Units. Some fear the content may radicalize Western men into becoming simps and passport bros.

MAR-A-LAGO — The White House announced Monday that President Donald Trump will be awarded the Medal of Honor after becoming the only person in America to successfully locate a Chief Warrant Officer 5.

“I’m no Trump fan,” said military historian Joshua Delano, “but you must give credit where credit is due. I’ve gone through archival records and couldn’t find a single instance where an Army warrant officer has been successfully summoned to a formal ceremony. This is groundbreaking. Entire thesis papers will be written about this at the War College.”

Known as highly specialized technical experts who exist somewhere between enlisted non-commissioned officers and commissioned officers, warrant officers have long been known for their deep love of rich black coffee and a legendary ability to disappear without a trace, often not being seen or heard from for days or weeks at a time.

Warrant officers are particularly known for their natural aversion to all things ceremonial. Defense officials say they instinctively vanish when confronted with promotion ceremonies, change-of-command ceremonies, morning accountability formations, or anything related to physical training. Even more perplexing, many warrant officers appear to be in excellent physical condition despite there being no eyewitness accounts of them actually exerting themselves.

When they are present in the workplace, warrant officers are known for a skill many have likened to a Jedi mind trick — the ability to be present, perform no visible work, yet still receive accolades for their technical expertise. A senior defense official called the phenomenon “mystifying.”

MIDDLE EAST — After a squad of irregular Iranian fighters breached the perimeter of his base in the region, Marine Cpl. Brian McVeigh heroically dove on a grenade to save the Dow Jones Industrial Average from falling below 50,000, sources confirmed today.

“As Marines, this is what we train for,” Marine Corps Commandant Gen. Eric Smith said. “You never know when you might have to put your life on the line to protect quarterly corporate earning reports.”

Squad mates said they heard McVeigh yell “Thirteen percent year-over-year growth!” just before he flung his battered body onto the high explosive in a last-ditch effort to shield the benchmark index. 

“McVeigh always said it was about the 401(k) returns of the guy to your left and right,” his platoon sergeant, Staff Sgt. Nicholas Romero, said. “If I had known he was brave enough to live up to his words, I would have maxed out my Thrift Savings Plan years ago.”

Unfortunately for McVeigh, his unit had no internet access for over a week due to operational security concerns, and the Dow had fallen far below 50,000 days before he risked life and limb to preserve it. But even the threat of short-term portfolio losses wouldn’t temper his courage, his comrades said.

“I don’t think he would have done it any differently if he had known,” Romero said. “That’s just the kind of Marine he is. Always thinking about the markets.”

McVeigh was severely wounded by the blast but survived. Initial indications from leadership are that he likely will not receive a Purple Heart or Combat Action Ribbon because “it’s not a war, just a limited combat operation.”

“Marines don’t do it for the medals, we do it for love of the game,” Smith said. “I just wish he could have done it a few months ago before I lost a shitload of money on Oracle call options.”

At press time, the Department of Veterans Affairs had decided McVeigh would not be awarded a disability rating because the eye and three limbs he lost were determined not to be service-connected. 

A WOMAN has seen a a bag of canine excrement hanging in a hedge and instantly flashed back to her last relationship, she has confirmed. 

Joanna Kramer’s mind was instantly propelled back to her three-year relationship with Tom Booker by the grey biodegradable bag heavy with stinking faeces, which she blames on whoever inconsiderately left it there.

She said: “Look at it. Offending all my senses at once and making me heave just like he did, by the end.

“I’d been doing so well avoiding thinking about him. I wasn’t triggered by walking past our old pubs, I watched Taskmaster without him, and I barely spend one evening a week going through our old WhatsApps. But that dog shit’s brought it all flooding back.

“Tom didn’t have a dog, but something about a discarded bag of foul shite swaying in the breeze is so like him. He also was subject to the laws of gravity and buffeted by wind, and he always loved doing simple chores badly.

“Maybe I should take a photo of it and send it to him? That would be a nice little reminder that I still think of him, can’t see him misinterpreting that.”

Booker said: “She’s got me all wrong. No way would I pick up dog shit.”

THE country is locked in fevered debate between those warning Iran could launch missiles at the UK and those who have replied ‘Nah.’ Where do you stand? 

Iran could strike London tomorrow

This hostile Islamic theocracy has the missiles and the motive. It’s already fired them at Diego Garcia, which is as British as a Suffolk pub. We have no option but to join this war.

Serious? Where are you getting this from? 

Three weeks into the war, no European country willing to get involved, Trump soiling himself about the Strait of Hormuz, and suddenly there’s a big cross-hair over London? Come on, dude. You don’t have to fall for every bollocks claim.

We have no missile defences capable of stopping them

Unlike Israel, Britain has no Iron Dome. We would be defenceless against these attacks, no matter how limited the use of our airbases was. Sending in our warships is prudent.

Oh right, that would make them less likely to attack us would it

‘I see Britain’s joined the war. We won’t fire missiles at them, then.’ Sounds believable. And we’re not going to grow an Iron Dome just because we get belligerent. Also Israel’s Iron Dome appears to have a few holes in it.

They could launch a biological attack on London within 45 minutes

This desperate nation will stop at nothing. They’ve already attacked all their neighbours in the Middle East and we will be next.

Wow, serious 2002 vibes 

All of a sudden I feel like I’m down Camden when it was still cool. You do realise we’ve done this? With Iraq? Nobody believed it, we fought a war anyway, it was later proved to be the bullshit we knew it was? I feel that’s really hurting you here.

Oh no! My contact in Tehran says they’ve just launched a missile!

It’s coming, but Britain can still deflect it with the power of belief in this war! Join hands and chant ‘regime change’!

Chinny reckon

No it hasn’t. Nor is it going to. It’s alright, the war has devastated our entire way of life by putting 30p a litre on diesel, no missiles necessary. Thanks for doing your best to get us into a war with no purpose, no clear ending and no benefit to the UK though.

A MAN on Tinder who appears to be without significant perversions, addictions, commitment issues or a receding hairline is a huge red flag, women have agreed. 

When 28-year-old Hannah Tomlinson matched with 32-year-old Josh Hudson, she was immediately unsettled by his individually-tailored responses and failure to send a dick pic.

She said: “It was like I was talking to a human being, not an AI. So I was creeped out immediately.

“Tall, but he didn’t say ‘6ft cos apparently that matters’. No pictures in Lederhosen or by someone else’s sports car. Zero requests for nudes or feet pics. In every shot he’s fully clothed. My freak siren was screaming.

“Even worse, he seemed genuinely interested in getting to know me and ‘wants a monogamous relationship’. What unspeakable horror is this concealing? He’ll be asking me to shove a hairbrush up his arse on date one.

“He uses full sentences and correct spelling. How could he possibly be single? This is London. Any halfway normal man is chased by mobs of women the moment he leaves the house.”

Hudson said: “Hannah’s right to be happy. I am in fact a 62-year-old about to interest her in an exciting crypto opportunity.”

A FATHER is furious at his local council about potholes in roads and is apoplectic at the roadworks needed to fix them.

Martin Bishop, aged 61, regularly shares his fury on local Facebook groups about the local authority letting streets run to rack and ruin, but his blood pressure really spikes when stopped by temporary traffic lights.

He continued: “Am I paying my council tax for these jokers to sit on their arses all day, while potholes ruin lives and suspensions?

“Then they turn around and close a main road for two months, adding five minutes to my journey time which adds up. Put it together and over a year I’d be twelve hours late for squash. Is that in any way acceptable?

“People say ‘you’re retired Martin’ and ‘chill out Martin’ and ‘you don’t need to immediately drive to Asda every time we run out of nutmeg Martin’ but that’s not the point. The point is this council has taken up arms in a war against motorists.

“It’s all right for councillors with their free eco-friendly helicopters, but pensioners like me need to use our BMWs to get places. Don’t even get me started on their lunatic policies like ‘bus lanes’ and ‘school zones’.”

Council spokesperson Eleanor Shaw said: “We recognise that potholes and roadworks are a common source of frustration for residents, and invite them to use their f**king brains for two f**king seconds to connect the two.

“Also, we welcome and value Martin’s feedback.”

BEEN honoured with the chance to organise a hen weekend nobody wants to attend and to wear a hideous dress? Get uninvited, fast:  

Announce your own wedding for the same day

Ideally your invite should arrive in the same post as theirs, and the wedding take place the same hour. Difficult if you didn’t have a long-term boyfriend ready for matrimony already, but nothing a quick trip to Wetherspoons can’t fix. For extra salt in the wound, invite your bride friend to be your bridesmaid.

Shag the groom

It’s for her own good, you rationalise as you ride her husband-to-be in their bed, because if he’s unfaithful now what hope for the marriage? Not only have you saved her betrothal to the wrong man, you’ve saved her thousands of pounds. Truly, no woman has ever taken one for the team more. Don’t do it on his stag night or he won’t remember.

Get pregnant

Bringing a new life into the world is a sacred act and shouldn’t be taken lightly, except as a way out of being a bridesmaid. Requires at least nine months notice and the same long-term boyfriend/quick trip to Wetherspoons caveat as earlier. And if that doesn’t put her off, say it’s the groom’s.

Go off grid

It’s not one day. It’s at least a year of being the sounding board about the flowers, the place settings, the first dance and all the other crap he couldn’t give a f**k about. Abandoning the world to live in a cave, foraging food and shunning society is preferable to assuaging a bride’s every insecurity and lying that she’s made the right decision.

Commit armed robbery

Being in on a heist in itself is not excuse enough, but being arrested, snitching out the rest of the gang, going into witness protection and beginning a new life in Canada might do it. There will always be a price on your head and one day you’ll be pulled over, double-tapped and die alone in snow, but you didn’t have to wear mauve satin.

Disagree with her once in public

Brides are not to be f**ked with. Wait until the first of many ‘fun and totally optional’ planning summits then, when everything’s going well, share a teeny-tiny quibble about whether the band are quite suitable. You will be immediately deleted from the party, and all WhatsApp and friendship groups. A social outcast for life. Worth it.

It’s 20 years since the dawn of Twitter – 20 years! – and it prompted the good people of @PopBase for people to share their favourite tweets of all time. Twitter turns 20. What is your favorite tweet of all time? pic.twitter.com/DGhHGxY6SI — Pop Base (@PopBase) March 21, 2026 And the links came flooding in […]

The post People have been sharing their ‘favourite tweets of all time’ and these 19 all deserve some sort of award appeared first on The Poke.

No matter how low Donald Trump sets the bar, he still manages to slither under it. And he has rarely slithered lower than he did following the death of former FBI director, Robert Mueller. Mueller, the decorated Vietnam war veteran who led a politically explosive investigation into Trump, died on Friday aged 81 and this […]

The post This former Donald Trump lawyer just captured the essence of the man in 30 seconds flat and had people everywhere cheering appeared first on The Poke.

Anyone who has ever thought they could sit down at a piano and pick out a tune knows that things only look effortless when they’re done by people who have spent a long and difficult time mastering them. They’ve been chatting about this on the AskReddit page after user EntireFace00 posed this question: What is […]

The post ‘What is something people assume is easy until they actually try it?’ – 22 activities you’d definitely be rubbish at appeared first on The Poke.

In the US, it’s the job of the Commission of Fine Arts to ‘provide expert advice to the President, Congress, and federal agencies on matters of design and aesthetics, particularly to protect and enhance the appearance, dignity, and symbolic importance of the nation’s capital, Washington, D.C.’ They’re also the people who approve the design of […]

The post A new commemorative Donald Trump coin has been approved and people have come up with their own more appropriate designs appeared first on The Poke.

To the BBC, where General Sir Richard Shirreff, former Nato deputy supreme commmander of Allied Forces in Europe, shared his not inconsidered thoughts on the options now left for Donald Trump in Iran. A brutal reality check for Magas (and indeed Donald Trump) everywhere, it’s 30 and a bit seconds very well spent. Former NATO […]

The post This former Nato commander said Trump has two choices left in Iran and it’s a brutal reality check for Magas everywhere appeared first on The Poke.