The Onion
Years Of Learning To Love Self Undone By Single Glimpse Of Body In Self-Checkout Camera
SAN DIEGO—The brief moment proving to be all that was necessary to completely eviscerate her self image, area woman Alena Reese reportedly had years of learning to love herself undone Monday by a single glimpse of her body in the self-checkout camera at Target. “Well, I guess that’s decades of attempting to maintain a positive view of myself up in smoke now that I’ve accidentally caught sight of my disgusting, sweaty frame on the screen there,” said Reese, who confirmed that the countless therapy sessions and lifetime of emotional growth that had allowed her to achieve a degree of self-acceptance were no match for the horrifying eyeful of her face and figure. “I was having a reasonably good day, feeling all right about where I was in the world, and then, bang! All gone. Look at that wretched troll. Has my nose always been so big? And my blotchy skin. Christ, is this really what I look like? Is this what other people see when they look at me? Oh God, it’s a wonder they don’t put me on display in some sort of freak show.” At press time, Reese had reportedly put back the ice cream and Doritos she had planned on purchasing in favor of a head of lettuce and teeth whitening strips.
The Onion.
Career Experts Advise Job Applicants To Send Interviewer Follow-Up Blackmail
NEW YORK—Stressing the importance of circling back to how much a prospective employer has to lose if they don’t follow instructions, a group of career experts issued a recommendation Monday advising job candidates to send their interviewer a follow-up blackmail. “Applicants often worry they’ll come across as overly assertive or annoying if they reach out to threaten a hiring manager more than once, but most employers we’ve spoken to appreciate a reminder that a candidate has a video of them in a compromising position,” said staffing coach William Blumington, confirming that applicants shouldn’t feel embarrassed to send a few lines about how much they enjoyed watching the employer in bed with someone other than their spouse. “A follow-up blackmail is a good place to establish that your interviewer is playing a very dangerous game if he thinks he can ignore you, and to gently highlight your ability to send photos of him doing drugs or partying with minors to all of the company’s board members. As long as you’re clear and forthright, a communiqué like this shows that you have initiative and that this job is important enough for you to make their lives a living hell.” Blumington added that if interviewees had not heard back from an employer after two weeks, they should assume he had killed himself out of shame and move on to better extortion prospects.
The Onion.
Midterm Races To Watch In 2026
As the race for control of Congress heats up, politicians on both sides of the aisle are making their case to the American people. The Onion highlights the most pivotal contests to watch in the 2026 election cycle.
Abdul El-Sayed vs. Mike Rogers (Senate, Michigan): Republicans find out how much juice is left in the ol’ 9/11 orange.
100 Starving Contestants (House, North Carolina): Only one person can win MrBeast’s newest game and become the freshman congressional rep for North Carolina’s 3rd Congressional District.
Susan Collins vs. Graham Platner (Senate, Maine): Platner remains on the ballot for people who really haven’t been keeping up with the news.
Cory Booker vs. Justin Murphy (Senate, New Jersey): Nothing too crazy, but it’s still nice to show Cory some love after his breakup with Rosario Dawson.
Pramila Jayapal vs. No, I’m The Real Pramila Jayapal (House, Washington): The winner of this race will be whoever can answer questions that only the real Pramila Jayapal would know.
Amy Acton vs. Vivek Ramaswamy (Governor, Ohio): Ramaswamy is betting it all with last-minute efforts targeting voters in the Psychopath Belt.
Farley Burns vs. Amanda Garvey (Dungeon Master, Akron, OH): Both are excellent choices, but only one can lead this homebrew D&D campaign to legendary success.
Angie Nixon vs. Ashley Moody (Senate, Florida): A high-stakes race to determine which politician gets the hell out of Florida.
James Talarico vs. Jeffrey Epstein (Senator, Texas): Polls show Talarico narrowly ahead of the reemergent sex trafficker.
Sam Edwards vs. Betsy Sinclair (City Council Representative, Your City): This race for your local city council seat will have by far the greatest impact on you, making it a little strange how much more you know about a Senate race happening 12 states away.
The Onion.
Luxury Doomsday Bunkers Gain Popularity Among Ultra-Wealthy
Ultra-wealthy families are constructing luxury doomsday bunkers with amenities ranging from gyms and spas to meditation rooms and movie theaters, the boom coming amid the backdrop of growing geopolitical turmoil and the rise of AI. What do you think?
“Or you can save money by hiding in the closet with a granola bar.”
June Welker, Swamp Guide
“I nuclear winter in our Aspen bunker.”
Malick Diatta, Lacquer Salesman
“But half the fun of the apocalypse is having to rough it a little.”
CJ Morrison, Chain Linker
The Onion.
CIA Experiencing Mass Exodus
The Central Intelligence Agency is experiencing a historic surge of departures as the Trump administration pushes veteran officers to resign or retire. What do you think?
“So that’s why I keep seeing #OpenToSpy banners on LinkedIn.”
Lynn Mysyk, Boot Fitter
“No wonder we haven’t overthrown any governments this month.”
Phil Baker, Backup Carpenter
“Luckily, waterboarding is a highly transferable skill.”
Diego Calderon, Rhinestone Installer
The Onion.
ClickHole
Abuse Of Power: An Investigation Found That Zohran Mamdani Has Been Quietly Using NYC Street Sweepers To Clean His Personal Home
NYC Mayor Zohran Mamdani’s socialist views may be polarizing, but not even his biggest critics can point to corruption as a concern about his first term in office—at least, not yet. Unfortunately, a new scandal threatens to derail all the goodwill he’s accumulated so far: An investigation has found that Mayor Mamdani has been quietly using NYC street sweepers to clean his personal home.
What a horrible look for Mayor Mamdani. The bar for politicians was in hell, and it just got a little lower. Ugh.
According to a New York Post investigation published today, Mayor Zohran Mamdani allegedly made backdoor deals with the Department Of Sanitation to have city-owned street sweepers clean his personal residence at Gracie Mansion. The report found that soon after taking office in January 2026, Mamdani privately redirected weekly street sweeper routes to collect litter from his bedroom, living room, kitchen, and bathrooms – personal spaces where the mayor is not subject to the same alternate side parking rules and enforcement that New Yorkers are on all other public street cleaning routes.
Sources say say the mayor’s first course of action upon moving into Gracie Mansion was to construct a “private, street sweeper-sized entrance” on the back of the home, and “renovate all staircases into street sweeper-accommodating ramps” that would allow the street cleaning vehicles to sweep the entire house and return to the street with discretion.
When asked for comment, Mayor Mamdani agreed to a phone call with New York Post reporters after returning home from City Hall for the night, but his response to the allegations was “completely inaudible over the deafening clamor of street sweepers.”
Just unbelievably disappointing. Turns out Zohran Mamdani is no less crooked than Eric Adams.
It’s no wonder Mamdani gets along with President Trump so well, since they both can’t help but abuse the power Americans entrusted to them. We truly never fathomed that Mayor Mamdani would stoop to using a taxpayer-funded street sweeper for personal cleaning purposes, but here we are. Sigh. New York deserves so much better.
Bold New Angle: Patagonia Is Advertising Their New Line Of Raincoats By Saying They ‘Repel 100 Percent Of Cumshots’
Though the outerwear brand Patagonia is known for its eco-friendly messaging, it seems like they’re ready to shake things up, because they’re now advertising their new line of raincoats by saying they repel 100 percent of cumshots.
Goodbye greenwashing… hello cumwashing!
Hitting stores this week, the Patagonia Ultralight Cumshell Jacket builds upon the brand’s three-layer rain shell base by adding a cum-repellent latex panel designed to keep the wearer safe during jizz-heavy activities. With an adjustable hood that even includes a roll-down visor, wearers can feel great knowing that they’ll truly stay dry no matter how many people (or animals!) are cumming on them all day.
Well, this is definitely a bold way to market a rain coat! While it remains unclear whether or not the brand thinks this is a sex jacket or just an outdoorsy clothing item that happen to be more cum-focused, you have to think a jacket like this will find its audience on its own. As of publication, this is the only cum-preventative jacket on the market.
Your move, The North Face!
Remaining Defiant: Jerry Seinfeld Has Announced That In Response To Criticism Of His Support For Israel, He Will Be Dating Another 17-Year-Old
A recent incident where Jerry Seinfeld responded to hecklers accusing him of supporting genocide by saying, “I am a racist, it’s a genocide, I’m into it,” showed that the comedian isn’t ashamed to defend his pro-Israel stance. But now the beloved comedian is proving more than ever that he’s not backing down: Jerry Seinfeld has announced that in response to criticism of his support for Israel, he will be dating another 17-year-old.
Damn! Looks like Israel got a new attack dog, and his name is Jerry Seinfeld.
During an interview on SiriusXM’s ‘We Got Company,’ Seinfeld doubled down on his defense of Israel, stating, “They say I can’t support Israel. They heckle my performances. They slander me online. But I won’t apologize. In fact, thanks to the constant harassment these people put me through, I will be dating another 17-year-old.”
“I’ve had enough! I thought about doing ‘Unfrosted 2’ to get back at these jerks, but I wanted to go even further,” he continued. “So I will be prowling parks near high schools in search of a new underage girlfriend. I don’t care what my haters think. I don’t care what my wife thinks. And I don’t care what the 17-year-old thinks. We’re going to be in love, and she is going to be 17 and very busty for her age. You thought the age gap was bad when I was 39? Just wait until I have a 17-year-old girlfriend NOW. I’m going to be proud as ever to support Israel and have a 17-year-old girlfriend. Because calling me a racist comes with consequences. And those consequences are 17 years old.”
Whoa! No matter where you stand on the Israel issue/72-year-olds dating children, you’ve gotta admire Seinfeld’s conviction here.
Looks like when you mess with Jerry, you get the horns. If you’re an anti-Israel activist, you may want to think twice before the next time you heckle Seinfeld.
An Interesting Detail About Her Past: Mom Just Casually Revealed She Had 18 Kids With Another Man Before She Married Dad
Mom has always been honest and open about her past, which is why the detail she just dropped is so interesting:
Mom just casually revealed she had 18 kids with another man before she married Dad.
Whoa! It’s almost like she had an entirely different life before her and Dad got together.
Last night, upon seeing a mother pushing triplets around in a stroller, Mom, without much fanfare at all, let it slip that she’d had triplets not once, but twice prior to starting her relationship with Dad. That led to her saying, “Yeah, I had…” stopping to do the math in her head, and then finishing, “Eighteen kids with the guy I was with before I met your father.”
Surprised that we were treating it like it was a big deal, Mom continued, “Oh, I thought I told you about that,” then, in response to being asked, “Where are your 18 kids now?” she just shrugged and said, “Who knows. I haven’t thought about them in a while.”
After briefly changing the subject to how she was excited for Christmas this year, the 18 previously unknown children were brought up again, at which point she nonchalantly disclosed that she had been the subject of a reality show called, “Eighteen’s Enough,” which ran for six seasons on the E! network and that two of the kids were named, “Jason” because she ran out of names she liked.
Dang! It’s easy to just see your parents as being just your parents their entire lives, so it’s hard to imagine that at one time they were the parent of 18 other kids you’ve never met. This really makes Mom seem like a whole new person!
Heartbreaking: There’s Not A Single Outfit This Man Can Pull Off
Better get out the heart glue, because this is going to break your heart: There’s not a single outfit this man can pull off.
Oof. Some men are just trying too hard to pull off a look that doesn’t work for them, but this one…this one can’t pull off any of them.
Forty-two-year-old Subaru salesman Lyonel Brinks has tried the concert t-shirt and ripped jeans look.
He’s tried the buttoned-up casual polo shirt and khakis look.
He’s tried a leather jacket.
He’s tried a sports jersey and sweatpants.
But every single last outfit, whether it’s something simple and timeless or something bold and cutting edge, leaves him looking like a child wearing an unidentifiable Halloween costume.
Tailored, oversized, vintage-inspired, hat, no-hat, no matter what, Lionel looks like he’s trying too hard, uncomfortable, and somehow “kidding” with what he wears, as if it’s meant to me a joke. Even when he’s just wearing a pair of jeans from J.Crew and a white oxford shirt.
Dressed up, he looks like a schlubby guy who’s overdressed for dinner at Olive Garden. Dressed down, he looks like he just rolled out of bed to take a leak at 3 a.m. Clothes that fit him perfectly only serve to accentuate his odd proportions and weird neck angle, and clothes that fit him relaxed immediately make him look 70 pounds heavier.
Honestly, the look he came closest to pulling off was when he dressed up in a steampunk outfit to go to a local gaming convention, and that was only because no guys can really pull off a steampunk look so he just didn’t look any worse than the guys who can sort of pull it off.
There’s simply nothing Lionel can wear that doesn’t make everyone who looks at him feel sort of sorry for him.
To make matters worse, Lionel just booked his first tattoo appointment, and no matter what he gets, and no matter where it goes, you know that this is only going to serve to make him look even less like he’s pulling off whatever he’s wearing.
All hearts break for Lionel. This is so, so sad.
Duffel Blog
Hasan execution venue double-booked with Comic-Con
FORT HOOD, Texas — Army officials preparing for the December execution of convicted Fort Hood shooter Nidal Hasan have discovered that the venue was also booked for a local comic book convention, raising concerns that the military's first execution in 65 years may have to share space with several hundred costumed enthusiasts.The scheduling conflict emerged during an advance site survey, when soldiers found the Lone Star Conference Center already reserved for a Comic-Con-style convention featuring celebrity autographs, collectible merchandise and a competitive cosplay contest."We've got a serious problem," said one installation official. "Both events have paid their deposits, and neither one wants to move."Junior soldiers assigned to support the execution initially expressed little enthusiasm for the mission."Watching some old guy get shot for something that happened before I was born? Pretty cringe," said one private. "But watching it happen surrounded by stormtroopers and Spider-Man? That's actually kind of sick."Others remained critical of the venue."It's a horrible thing what he did, but this is Fort Hood," said one soldier dressed as Howard the Duck. "Between first sergeants murdering their wives, barracks gangs, and bodies turning up behind range control, do we really need to kill another person here on purpose? Can't we move this somewhere nicer, like Lackland?"Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth reportedly rejected proposals to relocate the execution, saying the Army had already invested considerable resources in planning the event."We've got security, transportation, rehearsals, a seating chart and a commemorative challenge coin," Hegseth said. "We're not throwing that away because a bunch of nerds want to dress like fictional soldiers."The convention organizers were equally unwilling to compromise.
Trump announces sale of Patriot missiles to Russia
WASHINGTON — President Donald Trump announced this week that he had secured a "blockbuster deal" to sell Patriot missile systems to Russia, calling the agreement a historic victory for American manufacturing and international peace."This is a great day for America and for Russia," Trump said. "We're selling them beautiful American missiles. The best missiles. And they're going to use them to defend themselves against Ukraine, which, frankly, has been attacking Russia for a very long time."The deal comes amid ongoing negotiations to sell stealth fighter jets to China and follows a separate agreement to provide North Korea with artillery targeting information on South Korean positions.RTX officials praised the agreement, noting that selling missile-defense systems to both sides of an armed conflict could establish a sustainable long-term business model."Historically, we've had to depend on one side running out of weapons," one company executive said. "Now we can sell one country missiles, sell the other country interceptors, and repeat indefinitely."A White House fact sheet explained that existing restrictions would be waived to permit billions of dollars in American-made air-defense weapons to be sold to Moscow.Deliveries will be expedited ahead of previously scheduled shipments to NATO allies, including Poland, whose military has complained about delays in receiving Patriot interceptors."Poland already has Patriots," Trump said. "Very greedy people. Russia doesn't have any American Patriots. Very unfair."Pentagon officials confirmed that Ukrainian requests for additional Patriot interceptors would be reviewed after Russia's deliveries were completed. Officials also said Ukraine would be charged an additional 35% tariff on any American weapons used to destroy American weapons recently sold to Russia."These are defensive weapons," one official explained. "If Ukraine stops attacking Russia, Russia won't need as many of them. It's a pretty straightforward path to peace."Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskyy expressed confusion over the arrangement, asking why American weapons intended to defend Ukraine were instead being sold to the country invading it.Trump dismissed the complaint."Zelenskyy is always asking for missiles. Never says thank you. Very bad for Ukraine," Trump said. "Putin is actually buying them. You tell me who's the better customer."At a joint press conference, Russian President Vladimir Putin thanked Trump for recognizing Russia's legitimate security concerns."These systems will help protect Russian territory from continued Ukrainian aggression," Putin said.Asked whether that included Ukrainian territory currently occupied by Russian forces, Putin said the missiles would defend "all Russian territory, including territory that is not Russian yet."
Hegseth consults God via dumpster fire behind Pentagon
PENTAGON — Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth announced this week that God had spoken directly to him through what he referred to as “a burning repository of divine origin.”The repository was later revealed to be a four-cubic-yard, 2,000-pound Wastequip dumpster located behind the Pentagon, with Hegseth explaining, “The Lord works in mysterious ways.”“The Holy Trinity told me I had to work harder to keep my promises,” Hegseth said. “I don’t see this as a warning from the Lord. No, really, it’s vindication that I’m on a holy path.”During a two-hour press conference, Hegseth explained his understanding of his promise to the Almighty. He believed God wanted him to focus on restoring America as a Christian nation, destroying God’s enemies with righteous divine justice, and remove shrimp, lobster, and crab from all dining facilities.“With God on our side, we now know there’s no negotiating with Iran, Cuba and, maybe, even though we announced a deal, Greenland again,” Hegseth said.Moments later, he pulled out a Bible and read a verse.“2 Chronicles 32:7: ‘Be strong and courageous, be not afraid nor dismayed …’” Hegseth said.He paused and smelled his suit.“‘And when thy Lord appears unto thee as a four-yard commercial dumpster, breatheth shallowly through thy mouth, weareth a mask with appropriate particulate filtration and always stay upwind.’”
US to livestream execution of Ukraine
WASHINGTON — The Trump administration said it would livestream the execution of Ukraine, replacing a planned broadcast of convicted Fort Hood shooter Nidal Hasan's death with what officials are calling the largest pay-per-view event in American military history.Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth said the decision came after President Donald Trump canceled plans to televise Hasan’s execution following widespread criticism that broadcasting a man’s death would be barbaric.“We heard the concerns of the American people,” Hegseth said. “Some people were uncomfortable watching a defenseless man get shot. So we’re going to show them 40 million defenseless people getting shot instead.”The broadcast, tentatively titled UKRAINE: THE FINAL BETRAYAL, will feature live satellite feeds, commentary from administration officials, and a halftime performance by Kid Rock.“Nobody does executions like us,” Trump told reporters. “Nobody. We’re talking about an entire country. Beautiful country. Very big. And we’re going to do it live. The ratings will be unbelievable.”Trump said the event would begin with a ceremonial lifting of sanctions on Russia, followed by a military demonstration in which Elon Musk personally toggles Ukraine’s Starlink service on and off while Russian drones approach their targets.“Elon has a button. Very powerful button," Trump said. "He can turn the internet off for an entire army. And the best part is, we don’t even have to fire a shot.”Musk confirmed he would participate, saying Ukraine should be grateful he allowed it to have internet in the first place.
Iran condemns US plan to livestream execution as barbaric
TEHRAN, Iran — Iranian officials condemned the Pentagon's proposal to livestream the execution of convicted Fort Hood shooter Nidal Hasan, calling the plan a grotesque display of state violence that no civilized government should tolerate."Absolutely barbaric," said Islamic Revolutionary Guard Corps spokesman Ebrahim Zolfaghari. "What kind of country turns an execution into a public spectacle? Have these people no shame?"Zolfaghari made the remarks following Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth's announcement that Hasan, convicted of killing 13 people at Fort Hood in 2009, would be executed by firing squad in a ceremony broadcast to the public."We once executed a man's horse," Zolfaghari said. "Even we knew not to livestream it."In an official statement, the Iranian government questioned whether the United States had abandoned the basic principles of dignity and restraint that distinguish civilized societies from authoritarian regimes."Public executions are intended to be solemn affairs conducted with the utmost professionalism," the statement read. "Transforming them into entertainment diminishes the dignity of the state, the condemned, and the terrified citizens compelled to attend."Iranian officials were particularly disturbed that Americans could watch the execution from the comfort of their own homes."An execution is not a television program," Zolfaghari said. "It is an important government function, traditionally attended by thousands of unwilling spectators."The statement urged American leaders to consider the moral implications of normalizing public brutality."Once a government begins displaying executions for political purposes, where does it end?" Zolfaghari asked. "Soon your citizens become accustomed to watching people die. And then what? You start hanging dissidents from cranes?"He shook his head."That's a very dangerous path."Iranian state television devoted extensive coverage to the controversy, interrupting its regularly scheduled programming of public confessions, fingernail-pulling competitions, and revolutionary tribunals to condemn the American proposal.One Tehran resident expressed particular concern about the example the United States was setting for younger generations."Children should not grow up believing it is normal for their government to execute people in public," she said. "There is a time and place for such things, and that place is normally the town square after Friday prayers."President Donald Trump defended the original proposal, arguing that the United States should not allow foreign governments to dictate how Americans conduct their executions."We have tremendous executions," Trump said. "Very professional. Iran thinks they're better than us. They're not."Hegseth reportedly began reviewing proposals for additional military executions to be conducted before live audiences, though Pentagon officials emphasized that any future broadcasts would comply with applicable regulations and YouTube's community guidelines.The controversy took an unexpected turn Thursday, when Trump announced that Hasan's execution would no longer be livestreamed following criticism from lawmakers, religious leaders, and the public.Iran welcomed the reversal as an encouraging sign that American leaders were finally listening to the international community."We are pleased that the United States has reconsidered this disgraceful proposal," Zolfaghari said. "Perhaps someday America will develop the same respect for human rights that we have."At press time, Iranian authorities had arrested three citizens for laughing at the statement.Tony is disgusted at the state of things in general, your face, quite possibly your Mom and can’t believe he had to write this.
Daily Mash
Getting pegged, and other perils of sex with a younger woman
A YOUNGER partner sounds great until you realise sex is different now and you’ll look like an old fart for not being into it. Will you be broadminded enough for these things?
Pegging
On the one hand this is terrifying, but on the other you want to look like a progressive, emotionally available male unafraid of modern gender roles, so maybe your bumhole needs to take one for the team. But what really matters in a loving relationship is whether it impresses your mates, and breezily mentioning that you tried pegging with a much younger woman is going to sound bloody cool. Get out the strap-on, sweetie. The bigger the better.
Rimjobs
There’s no guarantee she’ll be into this, but the internet says Gen Z call it ‘tossing someone’s salad’ so it’s likely. Obviously being the rimmee is fine but performing it raises hygiene questions. Are you allowed to ask how clean that particular body area is? Are there washing instructions? Does the NHS have a leaflet? She says to just relax and try it. Easy for her to say when she’s not about to do something that would make a Victorian gentleman think he’d died and been sent to the vilest corner of Hell.
Sex in shared housing
You’re a 45-year-old divorced man used to having sex quietly so the children can’t hear, which isn’t totally different to her flatmates listening to every detail through walls seemingly made of compressed Weetabix. However you know they’ve labelled you the old fella, so you need to demonstrate great virility with the body of a man who remembers dial-up modems. And while 20-somethings in the next room discuss whether someone can even consent to a partner 17 years older. No pressure or anything.
Polyamory
In the past, the worst relationship definition tedium you had to deal with was ‘Are we boyfriend and girlfriend?’ Now that you’re dating a 27-year-old with blue hair and a septum piercing, you have to work out if you’re an anchor partner, comet partner or some other bollocks. Meeting your partner’s parents is nothing compared to getting introduced to her ‘nesting partner’, a non-binary set designer. Did he actually say he’s writing a one-man – sorry, one-person – show about the colonialist implications of brunch?
Terrible shagging music
Your younger but equally sensitive self used to find Portishead’s atmospheric trip-hop was good for getting your leg over. Now she’s finding a playlist called Intimate Frequencies, Vol. 9. The first track sounds like a radiator that needs bleeding. You rack your brain and try to think of an artist that spans the relationship age gap. Radiohead are still knocking around, but as a considerate lover you’d prefer she had an orgasm than deep feelings of alienation from modern society.
Filming yourselves
Making a video of yourselves in the act is hot in theory but horrifying in playback. There’s only so much you can blame bad angles and the limited colour palette. Should you put it online? Only as a niche intergenerational porn category, or a warning to others. Although with your gurning face in close-up, indistinct but unsettling events and strange noises at night, it could be a Blair Witch-style found-footage horror hit.
Royals to follow well-worn ‘dealing with nonce allegations’ protocol
FOLLOWING allegations about Meghan Markle’s father, the Royal family is to follow its tried and tested nonce protocol.
Reports that Thomas Markle has been found in possession of thousands of indecent images has prompted Buckingham Palace to blow non-existent dust off its guidebook for dealing with such matters.
A Royal advisor said: “Yes, the spine is falling off and the cover’s held on with sticky tape. But that just means it’s well-loved.
“Let’s see. ‘Estranged daughter-in-law’s dad under police investigation over a stash of disturbing pictures? Refer to the Maintain Distance Flowchart.’ That’s in Chapter 12, Nothing To Do With Us, Officer.
“It says here it’s still a bit close to home, so we’ll need a distraction. ‘How about sticking a beloved family member on a popular chat show to talk about a philanthropic endeavour?’ Phew, we already did that on Friday. Fantastic.
“Apparently then it’s just a matter of doubling down until a bigger news story bumps it off the front pages. But you shouldn’t give someone a few million quid and let them live on Sandringham Estate, or you’ll be getting grief from that for years. True.”
The Princess of Wales said: “I could play hockey with disadvantaged teens in a glitzy new dress, would that help?”
Anyone ordering pint of bitter must prove they are over 40
PUB customers will have to pass an age check to prove they are middle-aged enough to drink Britain’s many indifferent bitters.
A new law will stop younger demographics buying bitter by accident or out of curiosity and then leaving it, preventing waste. However bitter drinkers will not be required to prove they are male and staid, which is taken as read.
Landlord Roy Hobbs: “It’s basically a safety measure to protect young people and women from mediocre ale. If a naive young woman paid £4.30 for a pint of the soapy horse pish we serve I’d never forgive myself.
“And with the current situation in the Strait of Hormuz we could face a supply chain crisis at any moment, and I need to be sure I’ve got the insipid 3.2% ale my regulars crave. That’s them over there with the beer guts, discussing at unnecessary length the barrel of Grimethorpe’s Pedigree Best Brownfinger I’ve just put on.
“So I’m afraid I’ll need to see ID for bitter purchases from now on. A jumper stretched tight over your belly and droning on miserably about immigration won’t suffice, sorry, Gerald, Brian and Derek.
“Frankly here at The Maimed Bear I’d prefer to stay loyal to my traditional customers and not have the young crowd coming in. The atmosphere would be ruined if there were people enjoying themselves.”
Jordan Gardner, 25, said: “This is discrimination against us younger drinkers with low expectations of alcoholic drinks and life in general. Still, there’s always Foster’s.”
How to apologise in such a way it’s clear it’s not your fault
NEED to apologise to get the situation over with? Here’s how to insinuate that you’re not really to blame.
‘I’m sorry you feel that way’
The classic. Technically an apology, but one which cleverly places responsibility for the entire situation on the other person’s misguided feelings. All you said was that Clare is a ‘big fat cow with personal hygiene problems’. She shouldn’t be so oversensitive in meetings.
‘I’m sorry if I upset you’
The word ‘if’ does the heavy lifting here. You’re not admitting you upset them. You’re merely expressing regret that they have somehow become upset in circumstances that remain completely mysterious to you. Strangely, you don’t get off scot-free in court by simply stating: ‘If I didn’t murder him I’m not guilty.’
‘I’m sorry. I thought you understood’
Brilliant, pure genius. Especially effective because it begins as an apology and ends as an accusation. It’s not your fault he didn’t check your relationship wasn’t one of those monogamous ones. Oh we’re arguing about the definition of ‘being engaged’ now, are we? Typical mansplaining.
‘I apologise for my part in what happened’
Perfect if you want to suggest there were multiple parties involved and your contribution was approximately four per cent. It also strongly suggests that other people’s roles were considerably larger. It’s just so true. Angela White keeps making these interesting videos and your wife shouldn’t creep into the house like a f**king ninja. And nor should her mother.
‘I’m sorry, but…’
Followed by anything that makes the first two words completely meaningless. ‘I’m sorry, but you were being incredibly annoying’; ‘I’m sorry, but what did you expect me to do?’; ‘I’m sorry, but birthdays for ordinary people were only invented by the Romans, so as an Anglo-Saxon by heritage I had no understanding of this supposed concept.’
‘Fine. Sorry’
This is the most honest apology because it communicates three things. One, you are apologising. Two, you do not mean it. Three, you’re fully aware this is a tactical masterstroke because once you’ve technically apologised there’s nowhere for the conversation to go. Don’t hate the playa, hate the game, fuming girlfriend.
In da Club, and other millennial wedding songs the couple’s parents didn’t want to pay for
THE older generation wanted generic classics. The happy millennial couple demanded this bullshit:
In da Club by 50 Cent, 2003
It is cruel to mock parental benefactors who paid way more than 50 f**king cents for your lavish wedding, but this is your day. Which is why you and your squad storm the dancefloor shouting ‘go shawty, it’s your birthday’ while the grey-haired look on disapprovingly. Or worse, dad attempts to slut drop to it and f**ks his back.
Toxic by Britney Spears, 2004
The opening riff will see a dash from the buffet to the dance floor, leaving vol-au-vents mid-air or trampled despite their cost. Millennials love the irony of the song’s tumultuous relationship. Their parents will reflect on Britney’s chequered relationship history and wish they, like her father, had the opportunity to make some cash from their bloody kids.
Party Rock Anthem by LMFAO, 2011
A pure annoyance played for the infantile best man and kids that had too much cake, parents will be angered that their open bar has been abused so liberally that everyone is shuffling to this shite. Failing to recognise that if Come On Eileen were played they’d be behaving just as loutishly.
Gasolina by Daddy Yankee, 2004
A reggaeton revver which is pure adrenaline for the uni mates sweating out their tequila shots. For all the parents know Daddy Yankee is screaming ‘re-load the petrol for the wedding car’, which they’ll probably be asked for their debit cards for later. And hand them over in silent resentment.
Hollaback Girl by Gwen Stefani, 2005
The cheeky DJ cannot wait to hear a bunch of impressionable chumps spell out the word ‘bananas’ as proof he’s making a killing by using a wedding party Spotify playlist. Across the floor, a grandmother who paid his £2,000 fee is aghast at the thought of shit being bananas, and moves inwardly from Reform to Restore.
Low by Flo Rida, 2007
Gets the walls shaking with inane phrases about flaunting the inherited wealth the happy couple has made a serious dent in. Cheapens the manor house venue as the thirtysomethings slap each others’ arses like a Miami strip club. The groom splits the trousers on his morning suit trying to do the splits because T-Pain told him to.
The Poke
People are absolutely blown away by this viral clip of a guy playing Sultans of Swing on a recorder
The humble plastic recorder probably gets the most abuse of any musical instrument, largely due its association with squeaky primary school classrooms and its huge ability to annoy with its sheer shrillness. But one musical hero, called Phillip Moira, has just rewritten the script by casually replicating Mark Knopfler’s legendary Sultans of Swing guitar solo […]
The Poke.
Donald Trump tried to tackle the issue of soaring fuel prices and he didn’t just say the quiet bit out loud, he screamed it
Donald Trump’s been back on the campaign trail as he attempts to turnaround what looks like being a disastrous set of midterm elections for the Republicans. Although maybe he could do more to help just by keeping his mouth shut. And exhibit A, B, C all the way down to exhibit Z is surely this, […]
The Poke.
An American mocked Brits for suggesting curry was a ‘British food’ and ended up deliciously owned
Time now to return to the cultural chasm that exists between America and, well, basically the rest of the world. Specifically, in this case, food, and this American mocking Brits who dare suggest that curry was a ‘British food’. A grown adult just tried to me that Indian curry is British food And I thought […]
The Poke.
Bill Clinton went straight for the jugular with his comparison between Trump’s Rose Garden revamp and ‘Liberace’s bathroom’ – 15 cheers to the rafters
Donald Trump is having what could definitely be described as “a bit of a ‘mare”, right now, as he hovers on the brink of becoming a lame duck president. The Democrats are predicted to win the House of Representatives in the upcoming midterms, but it’s looking increasingly possible that they could take the Senate, too. […]
The Poke.
The taxpayer covered Suella Braverman’s whopping bill after she used more than 650 per cent more water than average – 17 scalding responses on tap
If you’re an MP whose party campaigns on drastically cutting benefits – even for the sick and disabled – it’s probably not a great idea to put in an expenses claim for so much water that people suspect you’ve set up Temu Sea World in your back garden. That’s information which would have been useful […]
The Poke.
