The Onion
Tate Brothers Vehemently Deny They Did Anything Consensual
The Onion.
‘No Bars Can Hold Me,’ Says Andrew Tate Entering 9th Hour Of Trying To Pry Open Cell
MIAMI—Confined to a federal detention center in Florida and facing extradition to the U.K. on multiple charges of human trafficking and rape, social media influencer Andrew Tate was reportedly heard to exclaim, “No bars can hold me!” this weekend as he entered his ninth consecutive hour of trying to pry open his cell. “Prison is only a mindset, and it’s only a matter of time before I release myself from its fetters!” said the red-faced, sweat-soaked Tate, gritting his teeth as he tried in vain to pull apart the bars of his cell while several of his fellow inmates looked on laughing. “I am the alpha here. These bars are too skinny and effeminate to hold me. Plus, no prison cell can contain someone worth millions of dollars for long. Tomorrow I’m going to lift extra weights and that will surely make me strong enough to break free.” At press time, sources reported that Tate had attempted to punch the bars apart and fractured several bones in his hand.
The Onion.
Never-Ending Pasta Pass Returns To Olive Garden
Olive Garden announced the return of the Never-Ending Pasta Pass, giving pass holders 13 weeks of unlimited pasta for $100. What do you think?
“I try to get most of my calories in unlimited form.”
Johan Summers, Canvas Stretcher
“Yeah, but then they get you with the price of the coffin.”
Lou Cohen, Wire Coiler
“Wish I’d known before I bought Jiffy Lube’s never-ending pasta.”
Vera Darcy, Checkbook Designer
The Onion.
Parents Sit Kids Down For Difficult Discussion About Moving To Ad Tier
PITTSBURGH—Attempting to soften the blow with a promise to go out for ice cream later, local parents Dylan and Olivia Barnes reportedly sat their children down Monday for a difficult discussion about moving to the ad tier. “I know change is hard, but Mommy and Daddy had a long and serious talk, and we think the best decision for our family is moving to the ad-supported plans,” said Barnes, who assured her 9-year-old daughter that she’d still get to see her favorite characters, but that she’d also be meeting some brand-new company mascots. “We love our current Netflix tier, and maybe we’ll be back some day, but right now we need to move to a more affordable plan. Let’s think of it as an adventure—there are so many fun pharmaceutical ads you guys haven’t seen yet! And we’ll let you pick out a brand-new avatar. Won’t that be great?” At press time, sources confirmed the children had burst into tears after their parents mentioned the word “Tubi.”
The Onion.
Trump Insists Frequent Naps Necessary To Protect U.S. Interests In Dreamland
WASHINGTON—Vehemently defending his controversial closed-eye moments, President Donald Trump insisted Monday that his frequent naps were necessary to protect U.S. interests in Dreamland. “It may be hard to tell from where you’re sitting, but trust me, I’m not taking it easy in Dreamland,” said the 80-year-old Trump, who lashed out at reporters for asking questions about his recurrent, on-camera dozes. “There are all kinds of security concerns, from Slumberville to Las Siestas, and I am doing everything in my power as president of the United States to monitor them very closely. These naps give me a crucial and direct line of communication to Sandman, who I need to speak with three to five times a day, at least. In fact, things have gotten so bad over there with the Freddy Krueger, I’m probably going to have to double my diplomatic visits.” Trump went on to bash former President Barack Obama for not once going to Dreamland when he was in office, adding, “And look where that got us.”
The Onion.
ClickHole
The Dangers Of Automation: The Nation’s Eye-Candy Pool Boys Are Struggling To Compete With More Efficient, Sexier Pool-Cleaning Robots
Technological progress often comes at a price, especially when it comes to automation. More and more people are being put out of work with each new advancement in the field, and it seems like automation may now be pushing yet another time-honored industry to the brink of extinction, as an increasing number of America’s eye-candy pool boys are losing their jobs to sexier, more efficient pool-cleaning robots.
Wow. This truly is a sign of the times.
While pool cleaning used to be a reliable summer job for the nation’s hottest hunks, innovation may soon see the last of them hanging up their skintight speedos, as more people are trusting their pool-cleaning duties to state-of-the-art, hyper-efficient robots that can clean a pool in half the time and with twice the sex appeal. These sleekly designed, impeccably bronzed androids are engineered to detect the presence of a single leaf the moment it falls into a pool, and they can manage pH fluctuations with unprecedented precision—and look hot as hell doing it.
With carbon-fiber body kits laser-carved for maximum physical allure and highly advanced infrared facial-recognition sensors designed to notice subtle signs of carnal desire, the automatons are vastly better equipped than human pool boys to identify and respond to the sexual needs of their employers. And they’re smooth talkers to boot, coming preloaded with a wide array of titillating conversation starters like “Your husband sure doesn’t seem to be around much,” and “No one understands you the way that I do, Sarah.”
Further, with new breakthroughs in automated pool-boy technologies being made every day, it will only get harder and harder for America’s human pool boys to keep up. Their robotic counterparts are expected to see exponential improvements in their already superior sunscreen application capabilities over the next few years, giving them a massive advantage in terms of initiating sensual touch to spark torrid affairs with bored housewives. By the end of the decade, these sexy pool-cleaning robots are projected to have solar batteries with sufficient energy efficiency to allow them to hide silently in a bedroom closet for up to 72 hours when a housewife’s husband comes home unexpectedly, far surpassing the staying power of a regular pool boy.
These robots currently come at a much higher price point than regular pool boys, making them accessible only to wealthy women who are all alone in their enormous mansions while their husbands are away on business, but expect that to change soon as well. The price of the machines is projected to drop precipitously in coming years, eliminating an estimated 80 percent of pool-boy jobs for humans by 2030. And when that happens, our pool boys will have very little to fall back on.
So, yeah, seems like it’s pretty safe to say that America’s pool boys’ days are numbered. Let this be yet another cautionary tale of the risks posed by automation.
5 Reasons To Love Summer (NO AI)
We are proud to announce that no AI was used whatsoever when writing this list of reasons to love summer.
1. It’s hot out.
Normally before writing, we’d Google this topic to see what other people have said to make sure we’re adding something new to the conversation. However, it’s pretty hard to avoid Google’s AI overview these days, and we don’t want that to influence what we write, so we’re just going with our first thoughts on this list, which is that summer is hot, which is why summer is great. Don’t like it? Kiss our perfectly ethical rumps!
2. There’s sunshine!
When summer’s here, you can finally shake off the winter blues and get out in the beaitiful sunshine! FYI, we messed up typing that, and “beaitiful” automatically corrected to the proper spelling of “beautiful.” Obviously spell-check and autocorrect type of stuff has been around for a while, but it definitely seems like it could be using AI to catch those mistakes, so because we’re not taking any chances we changed it right back to beaitiful. REMINDER: NO AI WAS USED HERE!
3. Did somebody say BEACH BALLS?
Nobody did, but if they had, it would’ve been a human, because this list is 100-percent human generated. And beach balls are such an epic part of summer! They’re inflatable balls that you can play with at the pool or beach, and that makes us love summer. Honestly we doubt AI has ever even touched a beach ball. Not sure how that would even work!
4. You can reconnect with nature.
Summer isn’t a time to be in the house—it’s a time to reconnect with nature. And look, we know that sentence construction is extremely characteristic of AI, but we actually wrote it ourselves. And we’re not going to change our writing style because computers have co-opted it—we’re going to change it because we decide to do so. And we don’t. Got a problem? Kiss our ethical rumps once more!
5. Swimming.
Swimming is an amazing thing you can do in the summer, and you can still do it because AI hasn’t drained all the world’s water, or whatever is happening or going to happen with that. We didn’t contribute to that though, because this wasn’t written by a computer, but instead four humans who each make $32,500 a year. Now get outside and enjoy the weather! Happy summer!
Fuck Yeah: Hanukkah In June
No fucking way we’re waiting until December. Hanukkah is now in June, baby!
It’s Hanukkah in June! Light the menorah, don your swimsuit, and get ready to celebrate eight days of summertime fun!
When the weather gets warm, it’s time for Hanukkah! We’re going to spin dreidels while kicking back poolside!
Throw some latkes on the BBQ!
There’s plenty of Manischewitz in the cooler! Leave your parka in storage, friend! It’s Hanukkah in June!
Uh-oh, looks like the rabbi got a sunburn! Hey, rebbe, slap some SPF 50 on there before you sizzle like a sufganiyah!
Nice, a reggae band is here to play “Ma’oz Tzur”! Hanukat hamizbe’ah, compadres!
Light some fireworks with the shamash! Badass!
Wooooooo! Hanukkah in June! We’re never fuckin’ going back!
Innovative: ‘The New York Times’ Has Announced Their Subscriptions Will Now Be Billed On A Sliding Scale Based On How Likely Someone Is To Remember That They’re Still Being Billed For ‘The New York Times’
As companies struggle to find profitable revenue models in the ever-changing digital landscape, one iconic journalistic entity is pursuing a novel and logical solution: The New York Times has announced their subscriptions will now be billed on a sliding scale based on how likely someone is to remember that they’re still being billed for the New York Times.
Hey, that’s actually pretty smart!
In an unassuming email sent out at 3 a.m. on a Sunday night (likely in the hopes that many subscribers would never open it), The New York Times quietly announced that access to The New York Times will now be billed on a sliding scale, ranging from $0.32 to $23,000 a month depending on how likely the subscriber is to remember that they’re paying for it.
If you’ve ever tried to cancel your New York Times subscription only to be offered a much lower rate to continue, you know these subscription fees were already quite malleable, but this new model takes their seemingly arbitrary pricing to the extreme. People who are hyper-aware they are paying for The New York Times—such as those who play Wordle first thing at 6 a.m. before they even get out of bed and those who frequently share NYT links to Facebook with the caption, “Great article in today’s Times!”— will receive the lowest rates to ensure they don’t cancel their subscriptions when they realize they can barely afford groceries or get demoted at work. People least likely to realize they’re still paying for The New York Times, such as old people with dementia, dead people, and people who have so many subscriptions that they just expect hundreds of dollars to leave their bank account monthly for reasons they can’t remember, will be completely gouged by subscription rates many multiples of their mortgage payments.
This is definitely an idea whose time has come.
Look, the days of getting a newspaper delivered to your porch and therefore having a constant reminder that you’re paying for The New York Times are over, so it’s time for the Times to fully exploit the fact that people don’t know what the fuck they’re paying for half the time. Hopefully this innovative pricing model allows The New York Times to survive another 175 years, even if it means your grandma is paying $8,000 a month for it despite not even knowing her username and password to log in to the site.
Refreshing Transparency: Trump’s Next Physical Will Be Performed In Front Of A Live Audience At Madison Square Garden
Under President Trump, government transparency is all but nonexistent. That’s what makes his administration’s latest decision so unexpectedly refreshing: Trump’s next physical will be performed in front of a live audience at Madison Square Garden.
Wow. Hey, if it takes indulging Trump’s penchant for showmanship to have a more honest and open executive office, we’ll take it!
As the President enters his 80s with his health under greater scrutiny than ever, Trump is setting out to prove he’s of sound body and mind by undergoing a Presidential Physical live on stage, in the round, at Madison Square Garden. The MSG-hosted event was announced at a press conference this morning, where President Trump explained that Dr. Sean Barbarella, the current Physician to the President, will examine every inch of his body and test his mental acuity for the 20,000 spectators lucky enough to score a ticket—which sold out minutes after going on sale, with front-row seats priced at $1,000,000 each.
“You’re gonna see every inch of my body and brain on the MSG jumbotron, and you’re gonna say, ‘boy, that’s a healthy person, we saw it all, what an honest and transparent president Trump is,’ and it’ll be true, because it is true, and the proof will be right there in the World’s Most Famous Arena,” said President Trump, before boasting about his physical selling out MSG in minutes, when “President Biden’s Live Presidential Physical couldn’t even sell out Union Pool in Williamsburg,” an event that fact-checkers quickly proved never happened. “There will be an encore. A big one. We’re keeping it a surprise. It’s a dental check-up.”
While Trump’s physical is the headliner event, the lineup also features an opening colonoscopy of Health Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr., an autism screening of RFK Jr. that will take place at the same time he’s getting the colonoscopy, and FBI Director Kash Patel reading the Wikipedia page for “Pap smear” at intermission.
Say what you will about Trump, but this is a huge step towards repairing public trust in government.
No matter what the results of Trump’s physical exam are, Americans will get to see it with their own eyes, instead of taking Trump at his word. Props to the President for setting a new standard for government transparency!
Duffel Blog
Hegseth bans teachings of Jesus from Pentagon Christian services
WASHINGTON — Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth has ordered military chaplains to stop teaching the words of Jesus during Christian services at the Pentagon after concluding the New Testament contains “multiple passages inconsistent with warrior culture.”“I was reading the New Testament for the first time,” Hegseth told reporters. “And I kept running into this minor character named Jesus saying things that frankly don't line up with where we need Christianity to go.”“So we're just going to skip those parts.”According to a memorandum distributed to Pentagon chaplains, sermons should instead emphasize “the more operationally useful portions” of Scripture.Officials said recommended topics include righteous vengeance, divinely sanctioned warfare, proper slave management, and selected Old Testament smiting.Teachings involving mercy, loving one's enemies, caring for the poor, welcoming foreigners, turning the other cheek, or forgiving debts have been temporarily suspended pending review.“If you actually preach what Jesus taught,” said Pastor Douglas Wilson, a guest speaker at the Pentagon, “Christianity becomes almost impossible to administer.”Wilson added that several Beatitudes had already been removed because they “created unrealistic expectations among junior believers.”Pentagon guidance also directs chaplains to continue teaching the Ten Commandments while clarifying that some commandments are “more aspirational than others.”Hegseth dismissed criticism that the policy contradicted the central figure of Christianity.“We all sin,” he said. “The important thing is asking forgiveness afterward. That's what separates us from people who never got caught.”Military chaplains reportedly sought clarification on whether the Gospels remained authorized reading.According to officials, they do — but only the parts where Jesus is flipping tables.At press time, Pentagon officials confirmed a review was underway to determine whether the Book of Revelation should be redesignated as a strategic planning document.🖊️Red Friday wants you to Remember EVERYONE Deployed
Influenza outbreak prompts Air Force to adopt RFK Jr.'s natural treatment protocol
SAN ANTONIO — Following an influenza outbreak that infected nearly 300 airmen at Joint Base San Antonio–Lackland, the Department of Defense has adopted a new treatment protocol developed by Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr., replacing antiviral medication with what officials described as “ancestral fieldcraft.”The outbreak occurred after Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth reportedly changed the military's mandatory influenza vaccine policy from “mandatory” to “friends with benefits,” calling the previous requirement “not rational.”Under the new guidance, airmen who develop flu symptoms are instructed to remove their uniforms, fashion an expedient spear, and enter the wilderness in small tribes to kill a bear.According to the protocol, consuming freshly harvested bear meat allows the body's natural immune system to “recognize and dominate” the influenza virus without relying on “corporate pharmaceuticals.”Whenever possible, Kennedy recommends selecting a lactating bear.The guidance states that drinking raw bear milk directly from the animal provides additional health benefits, including stronger immunity, relief from asthma, increased testosterone, and “substantially improved success with women.”Airmen who complete the bear phase then advance to what the protocol calls “natural urinary supplementation,” which requires drinking warm snake urine directly from a live snake.“I would've preferred literal snake oil — whatever the hell that is — to drinking piss from a western rat snake again,” said Airman Mike Smith, who survived the treatment. “I'll give RFK Jr. this: he definitely knows how to get the snake to cooperate.”Military physicians reportedly raised concerns about the protocol, but said current guidance discouraged recommending vaccines unless specifically asked by the patient, their chain of command, or a bear.“We had a vaccine that worked,” one physician said on condition of anonymity. “Instead we're conducting survival training with influenza.”The physician added that healthy vaccinated young adults face an extremely low risk of dying from influenza and that vaccination remains dramatically safer than “whatever this is.”Despite the criticism, Pentagon officials defended the policy.“We had 284 confirmed influenza cases,” said Air Force spokesman Maj. Frank Bevins. “Only one airman died following treatment.”He paused.“I mean... that's not terrible, right?”Kennedy called the outbreak a validation of his medical philosophy.“The protocol... worked,” he said. “The airman... went... into... the forest. The virus... stayed... in... the forest. That's... science.”White House officials also praised the initiative.“We saved taxpayers millions by not wasting money on vaccines or antiviral drugs,” President Donald Trump said. “Plus, we're hearing incredible things about the bears. Very healthy bears.”🖊️SECDEF_Nice served in Army Civil Affairs and specialized in failing to influence populations and occasionally his own chain-of-command. Follow him at Foxhole Briefs, Twitter, Facebook, or Instagram.
Marines discover fire
NEW YORK — A controversial United Nations report released this week concluded that the U.S. Marine Corps has officially entered a new stage of cognitive development after multiple independent observers documented Marines intentionally creating fire and using primitive tools.
U.N. Secretary-General António Guterres called the findings "a reality-altering development" and urged world leaders to remain calm.
"For decades we believed the technological ceiling for Homo marinus erectus was opening Meals, Ready-to-Eat with rocks," Guterres said. "We now know they are capable of combining sticks to produce controlled combustion."
Researchers say Marines diverged from the evolutionary path of Homo sapiens roughly two million years ago and have long been recognized within the scientific community as a distinct branch of humanity.
Retired Marine Gen. James Mattis, who has spent years advocating for the preservation of Marine habitats, described the discovery as "the greatest leap forward in Marine history."
"For generations we knew they were different," Mattis said. "Now they’re stacking sticks together and intentionally making fire. I don’t think we’ll ever stop them from eating crayons, but today proves they’re capable of learning."
The report also documented early evidence of cultural development after one Marine used charcoal from the fire to draw what experts believe was either a map of the area or...
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'You can’t fire me, I quit!' Gen. Donahue says as he rolls a joint
WASHINGTON — Hours after reports emerged that Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth had removed Gen. Christopher Donahue from command, Donahue insisted the decision was entirely mutual and that he had been planning to leave the Army all along.“You can’t fire me,” Donahue told reporters. “I quit.”Witnesses said Donahue made the announcement while wearing an unbuttoned Army service uniform, aviator sunglasses, and smoking what appeared to be a joint.“I’ve done my duty,” Donahue said. “I didn’t join the Army to become a politician. I joined to protect America. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have a standing meeting with freedom.”Known as the last American service member to depart Afghanistan in 2021, Donahue spent decades accepting difficult assignments and fighting America's enemies around the world before reportedly discovering that his most dangerous foes were back in Washington.
VA found dead in Capitol Hill parking lot in apparent suicide
WASHINGTON — The Department of Veterans Affairs was found dead early Tuesday in a Capitol Hill parking lot from what authorities described as an apparent self-inflicted gunshot wound.Officials stopped short of ruling the death a suicide but confirmed that a note was recovered and that foul play is not suspected.According to sources familiar with the note, the VA blamed years of abuse by successive administrations, including budget cuts, hiring freezes, leadership turnover, public condemnation, and repeated demands to immediately solve problems created by those same policies.In recent months, the VA had appeared exhausted following restructuring efforts after the appointment of Doug Collins, who promised to “bring accountability” to an agency long accused of the radical act of attempting to care for veterans.“This wasn’t a surprise,” said one longtime employee. “The mission used to be what Lincoln said: ‘To care for him who shall have borne the battle, and for his widow, and his orphan.’ Lately it’s been more like, ‘Hey buddy, go fuck yourself. Never mind your wife and kids.’”Employees described a familiar cycle dating back decades.“First you cut staffing,” one employee said. “Then you freeze hiring. Then you accuse us of being inefficient. Then you demand shorter wait times without restoring any of the people you laid off.”Congressional leaders from both parties expressed shock while pledging vigorous oversight, widely understood to mean additional hearings asking why the VA failed to function properly after repeatedly being instructed not to function properly.The note also referenced what it described as “administrative elimination through omission,” a process in which programs authorized by Congress quietly disappear through policy changes rather than legislation.Vocational Rehabilitation and Employment was reportedly placed into “strategic latency,” a condition in which a program technically exists but becomes increasingly difficult to access.“No politician wants to vote against veterans,” said one congressional aide. “It’s much easier to praise veterans publicly while quietly making benefits harder to receive.”Observers said the agency had exhibited warning signs for years.“It was an abusive relationship,” one analyst said. “Every budget season started with ‘We love veterans,’ followed immediately by ‘How do we spend less on these suckers?’”Plans for a memorial service are underway. Attendance is expected to be bipartisan.At press time, lawmakers had announced a task force to determine how the VA allowed this tragedy to happen to itself.
Daily Mash
Well that was super-weird, says Britain
Seven films to claim as your favourites when your relationship’s new and you’re lying
IN a new relationship everything about each other is fascinating, so you won’t want to admit you mostly watch films about violent robots. Here’s what your film taste should be.
Instead of Goodfellas, say La Dolce Vita
Both are Italian-based, but La Dolce Vita is officially a classic and dead arty, which makes you look good in front of your girlfriend. Sadly there are no scary midgets asking if you think they’re funny, but Anita Ekberg dicking around in a fountain eases the boredom. There’s also no danger of giving away the plot, because there isn’t one.
Do say: ‘Fellini created a new vision of what cinema could be.’
Don’t say: ‘It’s okay even though it’s in black and white.’
Instead of Jurassic Park, say Le Voyage dans la Lune
Bonus points here as you get to say a foreign film title, complete with brainy translation. Hopefully your true love was shit at French at school, or just a bit dim, and has no idea it’s pretty much the same as the English.
Do say: ‘It pioneered cinematic storytelling and gave birth to visual effects.’
Don’t say: ‘There’s a much better one where they find space Nazis.’
Instead of The Matrix, say 2001: A Space Odyssey
The 1999 movie with Keanu Reeves as the cassock-wearing geek-turned-saviour could be considered a modern classic, but play it safe and prefer Kubrick’s redefinition of the sci-fi genre into something philosophical and artistically serious. Also you have to admit that for a film about the nature of reality, The Matrix does involves a lot of kicking.
Do say: ‘Kubrick approaches the genre as a vehicle for profound questions. Where do we come from? Could artificial intelligence surpass us? How might humanity evolve?’
Don’t say: ‘What’s this music? I’m sure it was on an advert.’
Instead of Transformers, say Metropolis
With its hierarchical dystopia, Metropolis probably influenced Blade Runner, not to mention The Fifth Element and definitely films like Star Wars, where the lady robot became C-3PO. In other words, there’s loads of stuff in it from films you’ve actually seen. And didn’t find utterly tedious.
Do say: ‘Fritz Lang helped to define the visual language of science fiction.’
Don’t say: ‘Unfortunately Superman isn’t in it. Or Milly Alcock. I would.’
Instead of Independence Day, say Brief Encounter
For Christ’s sake don’t make the same error as Del Boy. Your true love will realise you’re a moron if you’re visibly confused by it being in black and white with no aliens. Instead remember it is widely considered to be one of the most romantic movies ever made. Yes, even more than 9½ Weeks.
Do say: ‘The recurring use of Rachmaninoff’s Piano Concerto No. 2 is integral to the film’s emotional impact.’
Don’t say: ‘Now that’s what I call a brief encounter’ in a Will Smith voice.
Instead of Lock Stock and Two Smoking Barrels, say Rear Window
Beware a new girlfriend asking about your favourite films and starting to say ‘Lock Stock and -’ in some premature verbal ejaculation. Women mostly aren’t into that classic of mockney bollocks, so swap it out for Hitchcock. Keep your 20th anniversary edition DVD – with a new interview with Vinnie Jones – hidden, along with with other relics of the era like your well-thumbed copies of Loaded with Lucy Pinder and Michelle Marsh.
Do say: ‘Cinematic technique creates meaning; every camera angle, edit, and point of view is carefully chosen to align the audience with Jeff’s perspective.’
Don’t say: ‘It’d be funny if Jeff got out a Bren gun.’
Instead of Jaws, actually you can keep that
This one’s fine as it’s a bona fide classic whose impact on popular culture is still felt half a century on. However restrict your showing-off to technical facts and interesting behind-the-scenes conflicts that shaped the characters. That sounds more cultured than going on about how the first time you saw the shark you nearly shat yourself.
Do say: ‘It’s hard to say what I love more, the storytelling skills of the young Spielberg, or directorial flourishes like the famous dolly zoom – but always in service of the narrative.’
Don’t say: ‘Even at the age of 34 I still think a shark might come up the toilet.’
Woman quits job to do some middle-class nonsense
YET another woman with a successful corporate job is leaving to follow her ludicrous middle-class passion.
Francesca Johnson, 38, no longer feels fulfilled by an upper-management role with a steady income and instead plans to stake her future on a niche, painfully bourgeois business idea.
Johnson said: “This will be my last month at Barclays as head of systems strategy. Instead I’m going to use recycled textiles to make eco-friendly clothing for cold water swimming.
“The idea came to me at Hampstead Heath Ponds when I saw all these other posh ladies doing lengths. I realised then there was money to be wrung out of them and I cared deeply about the environment and those things.
“My first collection will be out next spring, with prices starting at £499 for a bespoke wetsuit. No one’s thought of this particular idea before, so there’s clearly a demand.
“My friends have been really supportive. Tilly quit her job in publishing to start growing heritage leeks and Zara packed in management consultancy to build book-themed gingerbread houses. I must ask how those businesses are doing.
“Luckily I can do this because my husband Hugh is a hedge fund manager. I explained that when the company’s gone global I’ll hire him as CFO on even more money, but strangely he just sighed and looked sad.”
England would definitely have beaten Spain at least 12-0, confirm fans
ENGLAND fans are confident they would have slotted a dozen goals past Spain if they had not already lost to a better team.
Judging by how Tuchel’s squad hammered France 6-4, supporters are convinced they would have totally trounced Spain in the final, so they are the real World Cup champions if you think about it.
Martin Bishop said: “We smashed France in a game they didn’t care about, so winning by a dozen goals is hardly wishful thinking. We just needed a chain of pivotal events to go our way.
“If we didn’t piss away our lead in the semi-final by playing defensively, if Messi hadn’t been born, and if Argentina was never formed as a nation-state in 1816, football would be coming home right now. We were so, so close.
“Then victory against Spain would’ve been a certainty. Kane and Bellingham would’ve breezed a few hat tricks into the back of the net in the first ten minutes. Even Pickford would’ve headered a couple in by half time.
“Beckham would probably have invaded the pitch to score a few too. Then FIFA would’ve given us the World Cup to keep forever and the ghost of Sir Bobby Charlton would’ve accepted it on our behalf.
“This only didn’t happen because Argentina are nasty, shirt-pulling bastards. It was just bad luck really.”
Why are middle-aged men okay with pubes? An investigation
MIDDLE-AGED men are fine with ladies’ pubic hair, whereas young fellas act as if they’ve discovered Japanese knotweed. What is the cause of this puzzling situation?
Porn was different then
Men over 50 did not grow up with internet porn. Cinemas, VHS tapes and occasionally a magazine found in a hedge all featured pubic hair as standard, and it wasn’t a niche category on PornHub. Men watching porn films simply took it on trust that there was a fanny somewhere underneath all that.
They’re desperate
Older men are pathetically eager for a shag and unlikely to lay down conditions. At 23, a man believes he’s conducting a quality-control inspection. At 53 he is more likely to be thinking: ‘F**king hell, someone fancies me.’ He is not about to jeopardise proceedings with a list of landscaping requests.
It takes him back to 1990
Nothing transports him back to his youth like a pair of sensible M&S cotton briefs being removed to reveal a thriving ecosystem that could easily have wood pigeons nesting in it. Suddenly he’s 19 again, behind Thrustz nightclub, with Simply Red drifting over from the kebab shop. Proust had his madeleines. A middle-aged bloke from Kettering has a dense 1980s bush.
He can’t complain about hairs
His own back resembles AstroTurf. His ears have developed eyebrows. There may even be disturbing toe hairs. Complaining about someone else’s grooming would be like Jabba the Hutt criticising controlling boyfriend behaviour.
He is hardened to hairs in his mouth
Coming from a pre-shaved era, he is used to getting annoying pubic hairs in his mouth that have to somehow be removed during cunnilingus without getting up and spitting, which sends out the wrong message. Rest assured this is less to do with sexual broadmindedness than going down on a woman being an occasional chore that makes it way easier to request blowjobs.
He doesn’t want to look a creep
A preference for no pubic hair can, unfortunately, raise concerns about what’s on your hard drive. While it’s deeply unfair to single out older men for such suspicions, he’s unlikely to reduce the chances of a shag by broaching the subject. And unlike young guys, there’s less chance he’ll want to record sex stuff on his phone. He’s not totally got the hang of sending pictures yet.
He has bigger worries
Male middle-aged woes range from obscure knee problems to being worryingly close to genuine oldness, with its decrepit pensioner stage designed to get you in the mood for death. A woman possessing a forest rather than a bush is an insignificant sexual problem compared to being constantly reminded that his prostate is trying to murder him.
The Poke
Donald Trump was asked why his ‘4 to 5 week’ war on Iran was still going strong and his answer was the perfect snapshot of how his White House works
The conflict in the Middle East continues to send shockwaves throughout the rest of the world. Everyone has been affected in one way or another, but the United States has certainly taken a big hit as the war that isn’t a war rages on. No one in the world would benefit from the end of […]
The Poke.
Elmo met Tom Cruise at the World Cup and the whole internet didn’t make the same joke, just lots of it
Back to the World Cup – very possibly for the last time this tournament – where special guest Tom Cruise was pictured with another of the final’s VIPs – Elmo. We know this because Elmo was pictured with the Cruisemeister on Twitter. Elmo made a new friend at the game!! ⚽ Mr. Tom Cruise!!! pic.twitter.com/lywyY8BRGJ […]
The Poke.
This Fox News host asked how Iran can keep fighting back after Trump says he destroyed their military and the entirety of the internet replied as one
First it wasn’t a war. Then it was a war, but the United States completely obliterated Iran’s nuclear capabilities. Then the war was declared over. Many times over, in fact. All of this based on the words of Donald J. Trump. This all contradicts what continues to be reported out of the Middle East. Most […]
The Poke.
People have been sharing ‘great things about having kids’ and a lovely little bit of ‘aww!’ in a world that’s been missing it
Whether you think children are the absolute joy of life or expensive little nightmares is a wildly subjective topic, whether you have them or not. But there’s no doubt that they can be a lot of fun and full of affection. They’ve been chatting about the undeniably good bits about family life on the AskUK […]
The Poke.
‘What’s the most brutally savage one line roast you’ve ever heard?’ – 22 sick burns that stopped people in their tracks
Who amongst us hasn’t had the experience of being in an argument or confrontation and only coming up with an incredible putdown about three hours after it ended? But it turns out that some people have the kind of quicksilver mind that can think up an amazingly witty comment in the moment. Over on the […]
The Poke.
