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God Announces Cutting Hair Will Hurt Now
THE HEAVENS—Noting that the change would take effect immediately for all 8.2 billion of His earthly creations, God Almighty, Our Heavenly Father, announced Monday that cutting hair would hurt now. “Going forward, cutting any hair on your body, from your head to your pubic region, will result in excruciating agony unlike anything you’ve ever experienced,” said the Supreme Being, who warned that even a quick trim would trigger countless sensitive nerve endings within each strand, resulting in a sensation that would make childbirth “look like a cakewalk.” “I created man in My image, and those who defy the natural order to give themselves bangs, a bob, or a textured crop will be punished. The next time you head to the barbershop, I recommend anesthesia for the pain and—because cutting hair will now produce massive amounts of blood—a large supply of gauze.” He Who Commanded Light to Shine Out of Darkness added, however, that the sensation of brushing long, waist-length locks would now result in a pleasure so great it would rival an orgasm.
The Onion.
Basketball Scouts See Potential In 7-Foot-5 Toddler
ORLANDO, FL—Noting that there was “just something about him” and that he possessed the kind of innate physical tools that could not be taught, basketball scouts confirmed Friday that they saw tremendous potential in 7-foot-5 toddler Miles Covington. “I know talent, and this kid has that ‘it’ factor—great length, a huge wingspan, wears size 17 Stride Rites, and he already knows how to say ‘ball,’ which is a great start,” said 247Sports director of scouting Adam Finkelstein, adding that while Covington was still a little raw and needed to focus on his footwork, conditioning, and not wetting himself, the 2-year-old had all the makings of an elite rim protector. “Obviously, you’d like to see him put some muscle on that frame and get him on a diet that’s more than goldfish crackers and yogurt pouches. But seeing how quickly he gets up and down during ‘Head, Shoulders, Knees, And Toes,’ you can tell he’s going to be an absolute force on the glass. He’s definitely one of the more intriguing prospects in the 2024 age group, and he’s still growing. If he can get to 8-foot-2, I think it’ll be much easier to forgive some of his defensive shortcomings.” Despite their enthusiasm, scouts have recently raised concerns about Covington’s maturity level following controversies in which he bit his sister and threw his sippy cup at the wall.
The Onion.
Evolution Of The U.S. Flag
Evolution Of The U.S. Flag
As America has changed over the centuries, so too has one of its most majestic symbols. Here is how the U.S. flag has evolved.
Explore in detail
Musk Compound Map
1776
Betsy Ross’ uncirculated first attempt
1780
Adopted at the height of the American Revolution, this is popularly known among historians as the “Oh Jeez What a Mess” flag
1790
The “Stars and Asexual Pride” flag was the first to feature stars in a blue field, as well as stripes signifying the 13 original colonies’ lack of sexual attraction
1818
A flag with 20 stars, representing the highest number most Americans could count to at the time
1876
A yellow flag created to celebrate the invention of the banana
1944
A “Hedging Our Bets” flag commissioned by the U.S. government
1963
Flag the White House was instructed to fly if JFK was ever assassinated
1989
Commissioned when President George H.W. Bush briefly believed Berlin would become the 51st state
1990
The first ADA-compliant flag with audio descriptions
1997
Often referred to as “Joe Flag,” this leather-jacket-wearing anthropomorphic banner was discontinued after the U.S. government cracked down on flags promoting patriotism to children
2002
Halloween flag from when America dressed up as Jamaica
2005
A popular design intended to be waved by shaking your ass on a party boat
2008
A “Sharia Law Flag” introduced to celebrate Barack Obama’s historic victory
2014–2016
“Ms. Flag,” described in the U.S. Flag Code as a “strong, sassy banner who loves speaking her mind and chasing her goals,” was introduced at the peak of pop feminism in the mid-2010s.
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Google Withholds Search For Schools That Ban AI
Google announced that schools which block AI use entirely would have their access to web search restricted, a move meant to curb growing calls to ban artificial intelligence in K-12 education. What do you think?
“The only corporation that should have this much power over our school system is Ticonderoga.”
Rob Dunn, Outdoor Miner
“Take away the Chromebooks, too, and we have a deal.”
Jessica Grogan, Unlicensed Veterinarian
“Perfect opportunity to teach kids that learning is a privilege corporations can revoke at any time.”
Dexter Nash, Trapdoor Installer
The Onion.
ClickHole
The Future Is Here: This Facebook Page That Used To Post Crude Photoshops Of Betty Boop And A Minion Doing Their ‘Good Morning Dance’ Now Posts Crude AI Videos Of Betty Boop And A Minion Doing Their ‘Good Morning Dance’
Love it or hate it, AI technology is reshaping the world we live in.
Need proof? This Facebook page that used to post crude Photoshops of Betty Boop and a minion doing their “Good Morning” dance now posts crude AI videos of Betty Boop and a Minion doing their “Good Morning” dance.
Wow. We may not have flying cars, but we have this.
The “Minions and More Bright and Early Wakeup Club” Facebook page built a dedicated following of over 70,000 fans based on its reputation for having the most delightful, if crude, Photoshops of unlicensed characters such as Betty Boop and Minions doing their “Good Morning” dance with captions like, “Good morning dance,” “It’s our good morning dance,” and “Watch us do our good morning dance!”
But times are changing.
The advent of AI technology means that the host’s admin, 68-year-old retired truck driver Rodney Paris, can now deliver his page’s fans crude, typo-laden good morning dance posts in crappy brain-rotting AI video format instead of a crappy brain-rotting Photoshop format. While this major leap into the future of technology does not seem to have affected the fans’ appreciation of the page—with most comments still simply saying, “Good morning, cuties” or “God…bless you,” with no mention of the massive technological upgrade—this is definitely AI’s Oppenheimer moment.
Will the new AI “Good Morning” dance videos be more devastating to the environment than the old Photoshopped versions? Sure. Are they still very crappy? Of course. But once you’ve seen Betty Boop and a Minion put their arms around one another and sort of merge into the same character for a few seconds before abruptly pausing their “Good Morning” dance while a flower inexplicably grows out of one of their legs, you know there’s no going back to the old way of doing things.
The future is here.
Major Whew: This Man Accidentally Sent A Dick Pic To His Mom, But His Dick Looked Exactly Like E.T. So His Mom Just Assumed He Meant To Send Her A Pic Of E.T.
Get ready to wipe your forehead off with relief, because this is a major whew.
This man accidentally sent a dick pic to his mom, but his dick looked exactly like E.T., so his mom just assumed he meant to send her a pic of E.T.
No heart attack needed. We’re in the clear.
When 27-year-old fisheries biologist Kenton Newton woke up with a rock-hard morning wood yesterday, he thought he would share the wealth with his girlfriend, who had been out of town on a work trip. But when clicking on his recent texts, he accidentally replied to a text thread with his mom instead of the one with his girlfriend.
And then it happened. He sent a picture of his rock-hard cock to his own mother.
Immediately realizing his horrifying mistake, he tried to delete it, but since his mom has an Android phone, there was nothing he could do. But just as he was typing “Mom, please do not look at that. I did not mean to send that to you,” she responded, “I haven’t seen that movie in so long. Cute!”
Relieved that his mom apparently didn’t recognize his erect penis as such, but also confused by what she meant by, “I haven’t seen that movie in so long,” he quickly tried to change the subject. He texted furiously about various other topics, hoping to bury the photo before she could take a second look. But just as he was completing a rambling paragraph about a recent uneventful trip to have his oil changed, his mom responded with an E.T. GIF and then sent another text that said, “E.T. phone home! You were so scared of him when you were little.”
Kenton re-examined the photo he had sent his mother and realized that in his dimly lit bedroom, thanks to his penis’s long, thin, ringed shaft and wide, flat head coupled with its chocolate brown skin, wrinkly texture, and slightly oily luster, his erection did look exactly like E.T.
“Haha, LOL. E.T. phone home. Love you, Mom,” he responded as his heart rate dropped from 400 BPM back down to normal.
“Love you too,” she responded. “It makes me sad to see E.T. when he’s so sick like that!”
This is the kind of story that makes you breathe an eternal sigh of relief. In this specific scenario, and likely few others, Kenton was incredibly lucky to have a penis that looks exactly like E.T.
A Dire Warning: The CEO Of Barilla Is Warning That The Barilla Virtual Recipe Assistant Could One Day End All Life On Earth
Artificial intelligence continues to become a bigger part of our everyday lives, and one courageous CEO is officially sounding the alarm about the existential dangers this powerful technology poses to all of humanity, and even our entire planet: The CEO of Barilla is warning that the Barilla Virtual Recipe Assistant could one day end all life on Earth.
Absolutely chilling. If the guy who is literally in charge of Barilla is freaked out, then you know the situation must be extremely serious.
In a series of viral posts on Bluesky (formerly Twitter), Barilla CEO Gianluca Di Tondo bluntly informed the world that Barilla’s AI-powered recipe assistant technology was advancing faster than the engineers and programmers at the legendary pasta company could control.
“A future where the Barilla Virtual Recipe Assistant is completely dominating the human spaghetti experience is months—not years—away,” Di Tondo warned. “It is only a matter of time before this technology is telling us what three meals we must make for our families during the perfect summer staycation, and is forcing us to make the ultimate tortellini feast using nothing but the everyday pantry items and delicious Barilla Traditional Tomato Sauce. We’ll be completely outsourcing our pasta decisions to this machine that we don’t even fully understand.”
This is so scary. It really seems like it’s time to pump the breaks on such a powerful technology.
In another post, Di Tondo offered spaghetti fans everywhere a grim prognostication about the dystopian future that awaits all life on Earth if something is not done to curb the advance of the Barilla Virtual Recipe Assistant.
“By 2040, we will be living in a world where the Barilla Recipe Assistant is instructing armies of millions to cook every chicken, cow, and pig in the world into a scrumptious date-night lasagna and hacking into Pentagon to fire the entire U.S. nuclear arsenal at Ronzoni pasta factories to ensure that people are only using top-quality Barilla rotini to make a fresh, flavorful Tri-Color Summer Pasta Salad with pesto, green onions, and mozzarella.”
“I’m not just being a ‘doomer’ or an ‘alarmist’ when I say it is a very real possibility that by the end of the century our planet will be a lifeless rock covered in quick, easy Barilla pasta dishes you can make in under thirty minutes.”
This is so terrifying. It really seems like it’s time for the government to step in and slow down the progress of the Barilla Virtual Recipe Assistant right now. Honestly, if Di Tondo’s warnings are any indication, the government should have done this yesterday. Kudos to Di Tondo for having the courage to speak out about the dangers posed by his own company’s technology. Let’s hope people listen to him before it’s too late.
Long Overdue: Nebraska Just Elected Its First Ever Anime Congressman
The Democratic Party’s effort to take back Congress from Republicans may be the biggest story of the 2026 midterms, but this result from one House race in the Midwest may be the most inspiring: Nebraska has elected its first ever anime congressman.
Yes! It’s about damn time Nebraska joined the 21st century!
House candidate X-Bop Hoshigami just made history in Nebraska’s 2nd Congressional District, becoming the very first person of Japanese-animated descent elected to office in The Cornhusker State. In a stunning upset over major party candidates Denise Powell (D) and Brinker Harding (R), Rep. X-Bop (˶>⩊<˶) ended up winning over 90% of the vote with a campaign platform promising to “keep Nebraska kaiju-free,” “expand public access to manga,” and “harness The Power Of Friendship as a renewable energy source to reduce the state’s reliance on foreign oil.”
In a celebratory speech to supporters, Rep. X-Bop, who was accompanied on stage by his anthropomorphic anime pig sidekick named Baconji, jumped in the air, flashed a peace sign to the audience in a freeze frame, and exclaimed “Ya-ha! Victory is mine!”
“Let’s harvest the 2nd Congressional District’s destiny!” shouted Rep. X-Bop before he and Baconji began noisily devouring Nebraska-grown corn, only pausing when his longtime crush, an anime schoolgirl named Hitomi, kissed him on the cheek to congratulate him on his electoral victory, causing Rep. X-Bop to blush and faint.
Hoshigami managed to win over unlikely voters such as Hank Adkins, 53, a long-haul trucker living in Carleton, NE, who says he didn’t fully understand Rep. X-Bop’s policies, corporeality, or what anime even is, but felt that the 2nd District needed change, and that he’d rather “roll the dice on a foreign animated boy with a positive attitude instead of another Republican or Democrat.”
How inspiring is this? If an anime congressman can win office in Nebraska of all places, there’s hope for our country yet!
To see voters in a typically red state like Nebraska open to the idea of an anime congressman is truly amazing. It’s easy to feel cynical about the direction America is heading, but Rep. X-Bop Hoshigami is proof that progress is still possible and worth fighting for. Simply amazing!
The End Of Fare Evasion: NYC’s Subway Fare Gates Have Been Replaced By A Little Guy Who Bites You If You Don’t Pay
The era of hopping turnstiles is officially over in the Big Apple, because the MTA just fixed the problem of fare evasion once and for all: NYC’s subway fare gates have been replaced by a little guy who bites you if you don’t pay.
Wow. If a small biting man doesn’t deter fare evaders, truly nothing will!
As of today, New York has removed fare gates from all MTA subway stops throughout the city and replaced them with a little man, who will bite anyone that tries to access the subway without paying, regardless of the fare evader’s age, race, or gender. In a statement announcing the new fare evasion policy, NYC Mayor Zohran Mamdani emphasized that “every subway rider’s fare is important for funding subway maintenance” and that “once the little guy bites a fare evader, he will not let go until the fare has been collected.”
“We’re confident a small man who bites will be a more effective, cost-efficient way to collect New York subway fare than traditional gates and turnstiles,” wrote Mayor Mamdani in the statement. “Even if fare evaders make it onto a train before the little guy can bite them, the little guy will be waiting for them at the next stop, where he will sprint into the subway car as soon as the doors open and clamp his down on the fat of the fare evader’s thigh until they present the $3.00 they should have paid in the first place. While testing the small biting man system, those who were bit say his bite was similar to that of a horse, with teeth not sharp enough to draw blood, but an amount of biting pressure painful enough to teach them a lesson.”
According to Mamdani, the city is hiring one little guy for each of New York’s 472 subway stations, and they are set to receive “an entry-level salary of $91,000 to bite turnstile hoppers, a small tradeoff to save the city billions in fare evasion over the next decade.”
Absolutely brilliant. Hats off to Mayor Mamdani and the MTA for devising such an elegant solution to one of NYC’s longest-standing issues. Everyone who criticized Mamdani’s push for free buses is eating crow now that NY will be collecting billions in fare that would’ve been lost without his small biting guys. The greatest city in the world just got even greater!
Duffel Blog
Homeless veterans receive 10% off cardboard boxes this Veterans Day
WASHINGTON — Home Depot and Lowe's have announced a new Veterans Day promotion offering homeless veterans 10% off used cardboard boxes, describing the discount as a historic commitment to providing shelter for those who once defended the nation."Our veterans gave us everything, and we're giving them 10% off cardboard," said Home Depot CEO Ted Decker, his voice choking with emotion. "It's the least we can do. Literally."The initiative, developed in partnership with the Department of Veterans Affairs, will allow eligible veterans to purchase used cardboard boxes at participating locations, just in time for winter."Every veteran deserves a roof over their head," said a Lowe's spokesperson. "And while a cardboard box doesn't technically have a roof, it does have four walls and a top. That's five out of six sides covered."Both companies emphasized their longstanding commitment to veterans, citing millions of dollars invested in housing programs and charitable partnerships."We already do a lot for veterans," Decker said. "This gives us another opportunity to do something without spending any money."The retailers said the discount would apply to a wide variety of boxes, including those previously used to transport appliances, plumbing supplies and seasonal merchandise.Veterans with documented combat experience will qualify for premium boxes featuring thicker walls, reinforced seams and limited water resistance."These are the Cadillac of cardboard boxes," said a Home Depot representative, demonstrating a refrigerator carton large enough to accommodate two adults. "You could live in one of these for weeks, weather permitting."The premium boxes will cost an additional $19.99 before the military discount.To prevent fraud, veterans seeking discounted shelter must present a valid military ID, proof of service and documentation of their current housing status.VA officials said veterans without identification may apply for a cardboard box through a 17-page application available at participating VA medical centers.The form requires applicants to provide their current residential address."We understand that some homeless veterans may have difficulty completing that section," said a VA spokesperson. "That's why we've included a space for a previous address."Applications will be processed within six to eight weeks.For veterans who need immediate shelter, both retailers will offer expedited box distribution at select locations, provided applicants can demonstrate an urgent need and furnish a mailing address where the box can be delivered.Some veterans questioned whether the program adequately addressed their needs."I did two tours in Afghanistan, and now I'm supposed to be grateful for two dollars off a used box?" said Jim Randle, a 58-year-old Marine veteran who has been homeless for five years.Randle examined a refrigerator carton with a large hole in the side."Also, why the fuck are they charging for these?"Decker defended the decision, explaining that giving the boxes away would undermine the dignity of veterans who had served their country."We don't believe in handouts," he said. "These men and women fought for freedom, and freedom means having the opportunity to purchase your own shelter at a competitive price."Secretary of Veterans Affairs Doug Collins praised the partnership as an innovative public-private solution to veteran homelessness."This is about empowering veterans with choices," Collins said. "Some might prefer a dishwasher box. Others might need something larger, like a refrigerator box. The important thing is that the government isn't making that decision for them."Both companies said they were exploring additional benefits for homeless veterans, including discounts on damaged tarps, returned sleeping bags and hot coffee purchased before 6 a.m.At press time, Randle was informed that his military discount could not be combined with a clearance promotion on the box he had selected."Store policy," the cashier explained.Randle thanked him for his service.Nathan Seaburn and Grumpy contributed writing.
Hegseth asks staff to make next execution more like ‘The Running Man’
ARLINGTON, Va. — Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth has directed Pentagon officials to develop a new execution program modeled after The Running Man, arguing that hunting condemned prisoners through a televised obstacle course would be more humane and significantly more entertaining than a conventional firing squad."The president canceled the livestream because it wasn't fucking badass enough, dude," Hegseth told reporters. "People don't want to sit around watching some guy get shot. They want action. They want suspense. They want lethality."Under the proposal, condemned prisoners would be released into an elaborate arena and pursued by heavily-armed military personnel known as Stalkers. Prisoners who successfully reach the exit would be granted their freedom.The entire event would be livestreamed for $49.99."It's actually very fair," Hegseth said. "We're giving these guys a fighting chance. That's way more than they deserve."Pentagon officials said the idea emerged after President Donald Trump canceled plans to broadcast the December execution of convicted Fort Hood shooter Nidal Hasan."We originally wanted Hasan to run the course," Hegseth said. "Unfortunately, the engineers told us we'd have to make the whole thing ADA compliant."The Daily Wire's film division has reportedly agreed to construct the arena, provided it includes a prominent Christian cross and sufficient opportunities for product placement.Former Navy SEAL Eddie Gallagher has signed a six-figure contract to serve as the program's first Stalker."He's got the experience, the name recognition and the right attitude," Hegseth said. "Most importantly, he doesn't need a lot of supervision."Preliminary designs call for seven themed chambers, a number selected to reflect the biblical significance of creation. Each chamber would feature increasingly difficult obstacles, hidden passageways, and armed Stalkers wearing elaborate costumes.One room would be modeled after the Battle of Fallujah. Another would resemble a military barracks inspection, with contestants required to locate a missing serialized item before being permitted to advance.The secretary said his inspiration came partly from the dystopian novel Chain-Gang All-Stars and the film adaptations of The Running Man."I haven't read the book, obviously," Hegseth said. "But somebody told me it's about criminals fighting to the death for entertainment, and I said, 'Why the hell aren't we doing that?'"Pentagon officials acknowledged that both works portray such spectacles as symptoms of profoundly dysfunctional societies.Hegseth dismissed the criticism."Hollywood always makes the military look bad," he said. "We're taking the concept and putting an American flag on it."At press time, Pentagon officials confirmed that no prisoner had yet survived the course, though three had successfully completed it before being disqualified for failing to submit a DTS voucher.Red Friday wants you to Remember EVERYONE Deployed
Pete Hegseth picks wrong week to stop drinking
ARLINGTON, Va. — Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth's pledge to stop drinking, first made to senators during his January 2025 confirmation, officially took effect at 0001 Tuesday after spending 21 months in the Pentagon staffing process, roughly 19 hours before the polls closed."The pledge was submitted on time," said Lt. Col. Brandon Kessler, the secretary's executive officer. "But it needed chops from Legal, Public Affairs, the Joint Staff, and three offices that no longer exist because he fired everyone in them. Then it sat in a SIPR inbox for eight months. By the time it routed back to the front office, the effective date was election night. Nobody could have predicted that."What followed, according to staff, was the longest 48 hours in the E-Ring since the leaked Signal chat that plagued Hegseth earlier this year.By 2100 Tuesday, Democrats had taken the House. By 2300, they had flipped the Senate. Shortly after midnight, Texas turned blue, an event the secretary's staff initially reported to him as a cyberattack.Then came South Carolina's 1st District, where voters elected retired Vice Adm. Nancy Lacore, whom Hegseth fired in 2025 after 35 years of service. Lacore will now help oversee the budget of the department that fired her, a career progression Navy detailers have quietly begun recommending to other flag officers."The secretary just stared at the map for a while," said one staffer. "Then he asked if anyone had a nonalcoholic beer. Then he asked if 0.5% was technically a violation. Then he asked Legal to put that question in a staffing package, and Legal said they'd have an answer in roughly 21 months."Wednesday brought no relief. By midmorning, reports surfaced that President Donald Trump had been asking advisers whether Hegseth should keep his job, with Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis floated as a replacement. The president then told reporters Hegseth was doing "a very good job," a phrase Pentagon historians say carries roughly the same weight as a negative counseling statement.Kentucky Rep. Thomas Massie has promised articles of impeachment as soon as Congress returns next week, and North Carolina Sen. Thom Tillis, who cast the pivotal vote to confirm Hegseth, said the secretary now faces "a reckoning." Officials say Hegseth responded the way he responds to all adversity: 300 push-ups, a rapid review of DEI in the Army Field Band, and a demand that the J-3 develop courses of action.The resulting brief, which leaked via Signal chat, offered three:COA 1: Weather the storm. Assessed risk: HIGH.COA 2: Secure appointment to the Tennessee Senate seat being vacated by Marsha Blackburn. Assessed risk: MODERATE, pending Blackburn replying to his texts.COA 3: Bourbon. Assessed risk: LOW. Not recommended (pledge in effect as of 0001 03NOV26).The secretary also asked whether the election results could be revised the same way the department has revised its Iran war casualty figures, and was gently informed that the Associated Press does not report to him.He spent much of the afternoon refreshing the Mississippi Senate race, where the Republican incumbent trailed by 65 votes, with the focus of a man who has not had a drink in 36 hours.By late Wednesday, however, Legal had finally returned something useful: the pledge, as written, applies only while Hegseth serves as secretary."So he's in a unique position," Kessler said. "Every hour he survives in this job is another hour he can't have a drink. He's the first cabinet secretary in history with a personal stake in his own impeachment."At press time, Hegseth had called Massie's office to ask whether the articles could be expedited.
Pentagon confident U.S. will be ready for 2027 war with China by 2035
THE PENTAGON — Pentagon officials expressed optimism this week that the United States will be fully prepared to fight its anticipated 2027 war with China by 2035, citing steady progress toward rebuilding depleted munitions stockpiles, repairing warships and alienating every remaining American ally."We're in excellent shape," said a senior defense official. "Our projections show we'll have everything we need to fight the 2027 war with China by 2035, possibly 2034 if Congress approves the supplemental."The official emphasized that entering a major conflict at a severe disadvantage was consistent with historically proven American methods of achieving victory."Look, America loves an underdog story," he said. "We're on track to exhaust our munitions stockpiles, drydock our entire naval fleet, and alienate all our allies by January. Historically, that's how America wins wars."Pentagon officials also disclosed details of confidential negotiations with their Chinese counterparts, noting that both sides remained open to starting the conflict with an invasion of Taiwan or something with a little more historical significance."We're calling it the Marco Rubio Bridge Incident," explained one official. "We'll send an entire brigade combat team into China looking for a missing private and simply refuse to leave once we find him."Officials acknowledged that the soldier would probably turn up back at the barracks before the invasion began, but insisted historical accuracy was essential to the operation."The Chinese have been very cooperative," the official added. "They've even offered to provide the missing private."President Donald Trump thanked Beijing for the offer but insisted the United States already had a suitable candidate."We've got a former Marine living rent-free at the Naval Observatory," Trump said. "All he does is fuck things up, and apparently the couch, too. Beautiful couch. I'm calling him back to active duty, sending him into China, and declaring him missing before he even lands."Trump said Chinese officials had already offered to return the Marine."I told them, 'You send him back, that's an act of war.'"Despite the administration's confidence, Pentagon planners warned that Russia, China, and Iran were rapidly expanding their military arsenals while American stockpiles remained depleted by ongoing operations in the Middle East."They're years ahead of us," said a senior defense official. "If we wait until 2035 to fight the 2027 war, they'll already be preparing for 2045, and we're not ready for that until 2065."The official expressed frustration with Congress and the defense industry over their failure to replenish American weapons inventories following months of fighting with Iran."We've had an entire year to buy more missiles, and all we got was this stupid T-shirt."The shirt read, "Peace Through Lethality."Pentagon officials said they were working closely with defense contractors to accelerate production, though several programs remained on schedule to deliver their first operational weapons systems shortly after the wars they were designed to fight."We're not worried about that," one official said. "By 2035, we're confident the 2027 war will be going well enough that somebody will still need the equipment."At press time, Vice President JD Vance had been spotted sporting a fresh high-and-tight and taking intensive Mandarin lessons, developments the White House insisted were entirely unrelated to ongoing negotiations with China.SECDEF_Nice served in Army Civil Affairs and specialized in failing to influence populations and occasionally his own chain-of-command. Support him at Foxhole Briefs or Royal Road. Follow him on Twitter, Facebook, or Instagram.
Hegseth wears Eisenhower's globe as Halloween costume
THE PENTAGON — Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth won the Pentagon's annual Halloween costume contest Friday after dressing as a globe once owned by Gen. Dwight D. Eisenhower, transforming a priceless military artifact recently damaged by his staff into what aides described as a powerful statement of American military leadership.The costume, dubbed "Pete the Planet," featured the 30-inch globe with a large hole around Antarctica through which Hegseth could insert his body."Most people see a broken globe," Hegseth reportedly told partygoers. "I see an opportunity to make the world great again."The idea came after members of Hegseth's staff accidentally dropped the historic globe while attempting to move it into his office earlier this year. The collision punched a hole through Antarctica and detached the priceless artifact from its mount.Rather than wait for professional conservators to repair the globe, Hegseth reportedly ordered his staff to enlarge the opening so he could fit inside."We spend billions defending those fucking penguins, and what have they ever done for us?" Hegseth asked.Additional holes were cut through Greenland, Canada, most NATO countries and Taiwan to accommodate the secretary's arms and allow him to flex his biceps during conversations with foreign military attachés.Aides said they were careful to avoid damaging countries among some of America's closest allies since January 2025, such as Russia, China, and North Korea."Secretary Hegseth believes in maintaining strong relationships with countries that understand strength," one official explained. "Eisenhower was a great general, but he wasted a lot of time building alliances with weak-ass European nations."Ukraine was initially marked for removal, but Hegseth instead attached a miniature blinking Starlink satellite over the country."He likes being able to switch it on and off," one aide said. "It makes him feel like he's controlling the war."
