The Onion
Woman Dives Headfirst Into Thrilling Adventure By Blindly Purchasing Different Apple Variety
DALLAS—In a bold risk that strayed from her usual habits, local woman Emily Lentz reportedly dove headfirst into a thrilling adventure Wednesday by blindly purchasing a different apple variety. “What crazy times might this Cosmic Crisp have in store for me? I choose to accept its enigmatic offer with open arms,” said Lentz, noting that it had been a year since she tried trying a bite of dragonfruit at the farmers market and her life was due for an unhinged journey. “Well-behaved women seldom make history, and I want to someday be able to gather my grandchildren around me and regale them with the story of how I bought some Pink Ladies without doing any research or sampling beforehand. Even though I have no idea if these apples would taste good in a pie or cobbler, I’m choosing to defy all instincts and just embrace the beautiful mystery they have in store.” At press time, Lentz had reportedly woken up driving 95 mph on the interstate in a stolen car after sampling a single Granny Smith.
The Onion.
David Chase Confirms Tony Soprano Died At End Of Every Episode
NEW YORK—At last providing a definitive answer to fans’ endless speculation, Sopranos creator and executive producer David Chase confirmed Tuesday that Tony Soprano died at the end of every episode in the series. “People have been asking me for a clear answer for a long, long time, so here it is: Yes, all 86 episodes of the show end with Tony Soprano dying,” the seven-time Emmy winner says in a newly released director’s cut of the behind-the-scenes documentary Wise Guy: David Chase And The Sopranos, revealing that the fictional mob boss was fatally shot, strangled, stabbed, bludgeoned, incinerated, and blown up over and over again throughout the show’s six-season run. “In the first episode, he drowns in the swimming pool. It happens off-screen, of course, but Tony’s 86 deaths are always implied. He is unkillable—well, not unkillable, per se—but the man cannot die. It is the curse of Tony Sorprano. Honestly, I can’t believe I have to spell that out for people. He dies during every episode’s closing credits and is reborn during the opening credits of the next.” Chase went on to add that it was “pretty obvious” if fans simply listened to the lyrics of “Woke Up This Morning.”
The Onion.
Fran Stephens
It’ll take a lot more than the death of Fran Stephens, 50, to trigger a recall of ground beef.
The Onion.
Area Child’s Drawing Of Family Raises Troubling Questions About Size Of Dad
The Onion.
Elon Musk Becomes World’s First Trillionaire
Elon Musk became the world’s first trillionaire after his company SpaceX went public, with his personal net worth now eclipsing the entire GDP of countries like Taiwan, Ireland, and Sweden. What do you think?
“I just hope X Æ A-Xii can still have a normal childhood.”
Patrick Fan, Sand Comber
“Good, one less billionaire.”
Rocky Galindo, Bell Tester
“Depression manifests differently in everyone.”
Shannon Castelli, Patio Designer
The Onion.
Babylon Bee
Ocarina of Time Retro Review: A Boring Game That Doesn't Even Have Emotes, Skins, Or Loot Boxes
When I first booted up The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time, I thought I was gonna be in for a magical experience. The opening title card is fantastical and mysterious, and the music is pretty good. I couldn't find an option to turn the graphics to 4K resolution, but I set that aside and got started.
Scholars Discover Lost Plague Of Cyclists Blocking Pharaoh’s Morning Commute
RAMSES — Archaeologists excavating at ancient Egyptian historical sites discovered evidence of another biblical plague, this one believed to have consisted of a horde of cyclists blocking Pharaoh's morning commute.
JD Vance Makes Contact With Tribe Of Illiterate, Feral Women
NEW YORK, NY — According to sources, Vice President JD Vance stumbled upon an incredible discovery on Tuesday when he made contact with a tribe of illiterate, feral women.
9 Upcoming Fights In The White House Octagon
The UFC Freedom 250 event to celebrate President Donald Trump's birthday (and also for America's 250th birthday, kind of) was a massive success. That means one thing — more bloody, violent fights on the White House lawn. Through highly placed White House insiders, The Babylon Bee has obtained an exclusive sneak peek at future matches.
MLB Rebrands To MLBTQ+
U.S. — In an effort to better reflect the league's values, Major League Baseball announced that it had officially rebranded from "MLB" to "MLBTQ+".
ClickHole
Death With Dignity: Life Alert Has Added A Self-Destruct Button
Nobody likes to imagine their final moments on Earth, but we all harbor the deep desire to leave this world with as much dignity and control as possible. That’s why this story is guaranteed to restore your faith in humanity and fill you with hope for the future: Life Alert has added a self-destruct button.
Absolutely beautiful. It’s amazing that one company is going so far above and beyond for its customers.
“Now when you fall down and can’t get up, or start to suffer a heart attack, Life Alert offers you the option to end your life in a peaceful, tasteful explosion,” the personal emergency response company wrote in a post on their official Instagram account early this morning. “The days of lying on the ground, waiting around for help that could take forever to arrive, are over.”
In a recent commercial highlighting the new Life Alert feature, an elderly woman slips and falls in her driveway. The old woman recites the iconic Life Alert line, “Help, I’ve fallen and I can’t get up,” before pressing the emergency call button on her Life Alert bracelet. After lying on the ground for 15 seconds, the woman then says, “Fuck this, I don’t have the time for this kind of bullshit,” presses a button on her bracelet labeled “Self-Destruct” and immediately explodes, blowing a hole in the side of her house and destroying her garden in the process.
The commercial is being heralded by all the most important advertising experts as “deeply moving” and “solemnly poetic.” Life Alert is being heralded across the marketing industry for taking the honor and poise of their customers seriously and offering them a way to end their life with an elegant explosion instead of flopping around like a fish.
This is so awesome! We knew that Life Alert was one of the best companies of all time, but adding a self-destruct button is insanely beautiful, even for them. No matter who you are or where you come from, we can all agree that letting the elderly blow themselves up with their self-respect intact is noble, empowering, and wonderful. Other companies take note: this is the kind of care and innovation your customers deserve!
An Ouroboros Of Failure: Every Man In This Friend Group Has Been Used By Every Other Man In This Friend Group As An Example Of A Guy You ‘Don’t Want To End Up Like’
The ouroboros, an ancient symbol depicting a snake devouring its own tail, has been used by many cultures to represent the eternal cycle of destruction and rebirth. One modern illustration of such a cycle? Every man in this friend group has been used by every other man in this friend group as an example of a guy you “don’t want to end up like.”
Ah yes. As the ouroboros perpetually eats its own tail to feed itself, so does this balding, pudgy, unaccomplished best friend group.
This ouroboros of shame started way back when these men first met in high school in the ‘90s. Ron, Kevin, Doug, Cris, Alan, Grady, and Samir were all interchangeably used as examples of “someone who actually has a problem” when it came to their binge drinking, and this helped make the remaining members of the group–who by all accounts were equally as drunk–not feel as bad about their own drinking.
This cycle continued as the men entered their twenties. Ron’s job at PetSmart, Kevin’s job at Wal-Mart, Doug’s job as a parking garage attendant, Cris’ job as a telemarketer, Alan’s job working for his dad’s swimming pool cleaning company, Grady’s job at Guitar Center, and Samir’s unemployment were all used by various members of the friend group as examples of “the worst job you could possibly have.”
Now in their 40s, the group continues to cyclically devour its own body to nourish itself. Countless aspects of every one of the men’s unremarkable, underperforming lives–be it their fitness levels, mental/physical health, drug habits, family issues, finances, living situations, physical appearances, hygiene, or decision making skills—are brought up regularly as illustrations of how much worse things could be for the rest of them. In the past three years alone, five of the seven men have used some variation of the statement, “My divorce was messy, but not as messy as [name]’s was,” while four of the men’s names have been brought up in the context of, “You know who has a gross bathroom?” by other men in the group who have similarly gross bathrooms.
And as the shame is brought by the ouroboros it shall also be cleansed by the same.
Who knows where these men’s combined self-worth would be without six other equally degenerate, subpar men to act as the tail end of the ouroboros for them to feed on. The cycle of destruction and rebirth that has defined humanity for ages is on full display right here, in this unremarkable middle-aged male friend group in Akron, Ohio.
Not Helping Their Reputation: All 12 Of The Fans The Dance Cam Just Showed On The Jumbotron At The Phillies Game Were Pissing Into Bottles
Philly sports fans have a reputation for being rough, and if you think this reputation is unearned, you should probably take a look at this: All 12 of the fans the dance cam just showed on the Jumbotron at the Phillies game were pissing into bottles.
Yep, that’s not going to help their rep one bit.
During a break in play during today’s home game against the Miami Marlins, the stadium’s cameraperson scanned the crowd for dancing fans to display on the Citizens Bank Park Jumbotron, but finding one who wasn’t actively pissing into something turned out to be an exercise in futility. A quick cut away from the first fan they’d found—a heavyset man cheering and dancing while blatantly urinating into a plastic Bud Lite bottle—only revealed yet another fan doing the same.
After cutting away from more fans pissing into bottles, cans, and even a souvenir baseball helmet, the cameraperson, in a desperate attempt to locate a fan not actively urinating into something, honed in on a woman nursing a baby. Upon closer inspection, however, it turned out she was using a popcorn bag which appeared to still be half-filled with popcorn as a makeshift toilet. The disturbing 100-foot-wide display of debauchery ended with a young boy peeing into the straw of his soda cup followed by an elderly man who was just pissing directly onto a row of fans below him while waving to the camera.
Ugh. Apparently this is not going to be the game that ends Philly sports fans’ standing as some of the most uncouth around.
Hopefully these Phillies fans will have gotten all of their piss out by the next time the dance cam makes the rounds, but based on the fact that the camera just caught the actor inside the Phillie Phanatic costume holding a souvenir foam bat up to his crotch to soak up his piss, that seems unlikely. We love you, Philly sports fans, but some of y’all could really use some lessons in dignity.
‘From The Gentleman Tipping His Hat To You In The Celebrity Row’: Steve Schirripa Keeps Sending White Wine To The Knicks Bench
The Knicks are the toast of New York right now, having reached the NBA finals for the first time in nearly three decades. To understand how much this team means to their fans, look no further than the A-list treatment they’re getting from their A-list supporters: Steve Schirripa keeps sending white wine to the Knicks bench.
What a class act, that Mr. Schirripa! This is how you show up for your team when a title’s on the line!
Before the first quarter of Game 4 had ended, a concessions vendor had already delivered three rounds of white wine to the New York Knicks bench, courtesy of Knicks fanatic and Sopranos star Steve Schirripa. Knicks Coach Mike Brown was initially confused when a vendor brought two dozen cups of chardonnay to the Knicks players and coaching staff immediately after tip-off. Coach Brown tried explaining that the team had not ordered any white wine, but was quickly informed that the beverages were courtesy of “a great admirer of the team, that gentleman over there.” The vendor directed Coach Brown’s attention to the Celebrity Row, where Mr. Schirripa was tipping a flat-brimmed Knicks hat in the team’s direction.
But Mr. Schirripa’s kind gestures didn’t end there, and haven’t ended yet. Several minutes later, the vendor returned with a second round of on-Schirripa chardonnay for the team, as well as a soft pretzel. By halftime, Mr. Schirripa had sent no fewer than seven rounds of white wine and tipped his hat as many times to the Knicks, just to show his appreciation for their hard work this season and encourage them to finish strong in the championships.
Most of the wine has gone unconsumed, and the floor around the team bench is now a walking hazard of full wine cups—at one point, the game was paused so floor sweepers could mop up several gallons of chardonnay after Knicks captain Jalen Brunson tripped on a cup, fell, knocked over all the other wine cups, and became soaked in white wine, forcing him to go to the locker room for a new uniform. But Mr. Schirripa’s message is loud and clear: If you’re a Knicks player and Steve Schirripa’s nearby, you’re never paying for white wine again!
How cool is that?! This Knicks team is getting the hero treatment in the Big Apple!
It just goes to show how a sports team can bring out the best in their city. Even if you’re a Spurs fan, you’ve gotta admire how much wine Steve Schirripa is buying for the Knicks, purely out of his love for the team. Win or lose, the Knicks will always know their chardonnay comes courtesy of amazing fans like Mr. Schirripa!
Taking Spirit’s Lead: United Airlines Is Ceasing Operations After Learning You Can Do That
Spirit Airlines’ announcement in early May that the company would be going out of business and liquidating all of its assets has sent shockwaves throughout the air travel industry, and one major airline has just made a move that shows that the collapse of Spirit is going to be reverberating for years to come: United Airlines is ceasing operations after learning you can do that.
Well, it’s official: Spirit Airlines has started a major trend all across the airline industry!
“We honestly had no idea it was even an option to stop being an airline until Spirit proved you could just quit whenever you want,” United Airlines leadership wrote in a message to shareholders released to the press this morning, in which they said they looked forward to a future of never having to worry about “the daily tsunami of tedious bullshit” that came with managing the corporation. “Now that we know we don’t have to stare down an eternity of flying herds of braindead morons around the country—a task for which are RARELY THANKED—we are simply going to not do it anymore. Simple as that.”
It looks like Spirit Airlines kicked open a door and United Airlines is courageously walking through it!
In a series of Instagram posts on United Airlines official Instagram page, the company further clarified their decision.
“We thought we would go to jail if we stopped doing airplane stuff, even though we hated it,” read one post which had been captioned “Free At Last.” “The thought leaders and innovators at Spirit Airlines have shown us we can walk a new path of peace and salvation by simply cancelling all our flights, selling all our planes, and just hanging out with our families or whatever.”
Representatives at United were very clear that one of the reasons they hated being an airline was dealing with customers, whom they described in ways that advertising experts and marketing gurus have characterized as “dehumanizing,” “aggressive,” and “innovative.”
“Every day we cram an ocean of dumb, ugly people onto our filthy planes and shoot them into the sky,” said another social media statement which had been captioned “WE OWE YOU NOTHING.” “And when one of these planes crashed or got hijacked we never heard the fucking end of it. Just constant complaints from people who crammed their fat faces with our free Sun Chips and still had the gall to tell us we weren’t pampering them enough. We will not miss you.”
United’s decision to follow in Spirit’s footsteps and stop being an airline has caused significant chaos both internationally and domestically. They have announced that all United Airlines flights will be cancelled. When an Instagram user commented on a United post asking what they should do if the cancellations left them stranded in a foreign country, United responded, “anyone affected can contact our nonexistent department of nonexistent fucks, because we don’t do airplanes anymore.” They then deleted their Instagram account
Absolutely seismic. It’s completely undeniable that Spirit Airlines has changed the country, and possibly altered the course of world history. If United Airlines is any indication, many more air travel companies across the country will soon realize they don’t have to keep enduring the suffering that comes with being an airline and will just stop entirely. Delta, JetBlue, and American Airlines are definitely paying attention, and we can’t wait to see what they do next!
Duffel Blog
Hegseth unveils separate but equal branches of military service
WASHINGTON — Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth announced a sweeping military reorganization this week creating two separate branches of service, a move officials say will reward excellence while ensuring lower-performing personnel are placed somewhere they can do less damage.“We're simply aligning the force with realities we've observed,” Hegseth said in a prerecorded video. “The people I put on promotion lists keep succeeding, while the people I remove from promotion lists keep failing to get promoted. The data speaks for itself.”According to Hegseth, one branch will consist of the military's highest-performing personnel, while the second will be composed of service members who have allegedly benefited from diversity initiatives, failed to meet warrior standards by lacking testicles, or were unable to swim.“This is purely merit-based,” Hegseth said. “Any suggestion otherwise is dishonest.”Pentagon spokesman Sean Parnell rejected accusations that the restructuring was based on race, gender, religion, or any other protected category.“The demographic outcomes are entirely coincidental,” Parnell said. “For example, there are women who don't say no in the superior branch. If other women want to be a part of it, they shouldn’t say I choked them.”Asked how those women were selected, Parnell said the Pentagon ran extensive war games.“The force we expected to win initially performed worse than anticipated," he said. "Since we knew that result couldn't possibly be correct, we refined the assumptions until the appropriate force won.”A draft planning document Hegseth accidentally leaked to reporters appeared to identify the two organizations as the 'Superior Service' and the 'Tards.'Under the proposal, members of the superior branch would receive newer equipment, renovated barracks, larger budgets, and priority assignment consideration. Members of the other branch would receive opportunities for early discharge.At several bases, personnel assigned to the superior branch have already moved into renovated housing while members of the other branch were relocated to older facilities pending what officials called “future excellence opportunities.”Officials noted that in situations where separation is impractical, including military flights, buses, and movie theaters, members of the superior branch will receive priority seating. But they cautioned that the policy did not imply one branch was better than the other.“The branches are equal,” Parnell said. “One is simply more equal.”At press time, Pentagon planners confirmed that in the event of war, members of the lower-performing branch would be deployed first in order to gain valuable leadership experience.🖊️Red Friday wants you to Remember EVERYONE Deployed
Graham Platner insists tattoo of Hitler choking naked woman is being misunderstood
ELLSWORTH, Maine — Former Marine Graham Platner’s struggling Senate campaign suffered another setback this week after a former girlfriend alleged he had a tattoo depicting Adolf Hitler choking a naked woman across most of his back.
In a recorded statement released Monday, Platner, flanked by his wife, said he was shocked by the accusation.
“I picked that tattoo because it looked like abstract art,” Platner said. “I had no idea it depicted anything specific. It looked like the kind of abstract expressionism loved by Marines and salt-of-the-earth Americans everywhere.”
Platner added that, now aware of the concerns, he intended to modify the artwork.
“I’m going to have it changed so it’s just a generic man choking a woman,” he said. “That way nobody can read politics into it.”
Another former girlfriend, who he dated while filming the recorded statement, insisted Platner’s denial was disingenuous.
“He called it his ‘Little Führer,’” she said. “He even did the accent marks with his fingers.”
The woman, who requested anonymity, said Platner also used the nickname for his penis.
Campaign officials dismissed the allegation.
“Most Marines struggle with English, let alone German,” a spokesman said.
That explanation appeared viable until another former girlfriend, whom Platner dated while waiting in line at a Green Beans Coffee in Iraq’s Al Anbar Province, provided photographs of the tattoo.
Beneath the image appeared a German inscription reading, "Mein Name ist Graham Platner. Das Tattoo ist eine Metapher dafür, wie ich über Frauen denke. Und auch über Juden." The inscription translates to:...
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Opinion: Should I water my veteran?
The following is an opinion piece by former Army Sgt. 1st Class and current HR specialist Bradley Mercer.As a former service member who now works in human resources for a large technology company, I have recently been confronted with an unexpected workplace management question.Managers keep asking me the same thing:“Should I water my veteran?”The short answer is: it depends.Like most things in the military, the answer is METT-TC dependent. The veteran, the environment, the mission, and the general vibe of the office must all be considered before making any hydration decisions.Not all veterans require the same level of watering.The first category is the Normal Human Veteran.This veteran has fully transitioned to civilian life and will take immediate offense if you attempt to water them.They mention military service only when writing in their journal, obtaining a discount at Lowe’s, or discussing VA disability claims with a level of precision normally reserved for danger-close mortar missions.They never wear the hats.They never tell stories.If you bring up the military, they will sigh and immediately redirect the conversation toward mortgage rates, Excel formulas, or mulch pricing.Do not water this veteran.They will interpret it as an attempt to establish dominance and spend the next five years quietly planning their departure from your organization.The second category is the Oxygen Thief Veteran.This individual spent most of their military career being reminded to perform basic biological functions.Drink water.Change socks.Stand up straight.Stop doing that.Because of this conditioning, they expect management to tell them when to hydrate.If no guidance is provided, they will sit quietly at their desk dehydrating while waiting for instructions.This is the only veteran category where proactive watering is recommended.The third category is the Smelly Veteran.
Hegseth says half-assed daily PT has solved military's most pressing problems
ARLINGTON, Va. — Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth told lawmakers this week that an hour of daily physical training has successfully addressed many of the military's longstanding challenges, including procurement failures, maintenance backlogs, sexual assault, and cost overruns.“We had issues with broken equipment, expensive acquisition programs, sexual misconduct, and contractors charging billions of dollars for products that don't work,” Hegseth told Congress. “But now that everyone is mildly out of breath before work, things are heading in the right direction.”Hegseth pointed to the Navy as an early success story.“The Navy was our least physically fit service,” he said. “Their sailors were working 12-hour days, six days a week, just to keep aging equipment operational. I'm proud to report they're now working 13-hour days and accomplishing slightly less.”At Naval Base San Diego, sailors demonstrated the new routine.The workout began with a 10-minute muster, followed by a 15-minute warmup, a water break, 10 minutes of light calisthenics, another water break, a five-minute jog, and a cooldown period.“It’s good to get out here and get our sweat on,” said Chief Albert Jones.Asked whether he would be participating, Jones explained he had actual work to do.No chief petty officers or officers above the rank of E-7 were observed during the session.Junior sailors expressed less enthusiasm.“Total bullshit,” one sailor said.“Retarded,” said another.“I’m onboard until 1900 every night and now we're pretending this is the problem?” asked a third.Hegseth dismissed criticism of the initiative.“I ordered daily PT, and shortly afterward we captured Maduro,” he said. “You think that's a coincidence?”At press time, the secretary was reportedly urging the Joint Chiefs to develop a comprehensive fitness plan for Greenland.🖊️Red Friday wants you to Remember EVERYONE Deployed
Entire platoon killed by missile while conducting accountability formation after previous missile
AL-TANF GARRISON, Syria — An entire Army platoon was reportedly killed after assembling for an accountability formation immediately following an incoming missile attack, according to leaked details from the opening days of hostilities with Iran.Sources familiar with the incident said company leadership ordered platoons to “ensure no casualties were taken” following the initial barrage.“The CO just wanted a situation report,” said one soldier from another platoon. “The lieutenant suggested checking bunkers by radio or sending runners, but platoon daddy apparently wasn’t having any of that.”According to multiple soldiers, the decision to hold a formation followed a brief leadership discussion regarding the difference between the words “ensure” and “assure.”Despite the lieutenant’s objections, the platoon sergeant reportedly insisted there was only “one Army way” to conduct accountability.
Daily Mash
Croatia: how did they, of all countries, end up our nemesis?
TONIGHT England face Croatia once again with a single question on the nation’s lips: how exactly did these bastards become our footballing nemesis?
Two decades ago, they were just one more country of the former Yugoslavia recovering from a war too complicated and depressing to follow. We beat them to get to a Euros quarter-final, which was as it should be.
Then came October 2006, when against all precedent and good sportsmanship they beat us, throwing our hopes of qualifying for Euro 2008 into jeopardy, then only went and proved themselves thoroughly unpleasant the next year by doing it again.
Forced to note this impertinent habit of winning important games despite our having Wayne Rooney, we responded by winning our next two World Cup qualifying games against them and stopping them attending in 2010.
Expecting they had learned their lesson and would brush up on their manners henceforward, we let that be an end to the matter. And against any decent team it would have been.
Not Croatia. Unable to let it go, their proven inferiority still gnawing away, they dared challenge us in a 2018 World Cup semi-final. And despite the established and popular Gareth Southgate ‘it’s coming home’ narrative disgraced themselves with a win.
Don’t they have enough neighbouring states to hold grudges against without manufacturing a rivalry against us? Why must we be plagued by these chippy Dalmatians once again this evening?
Well, tonight should settle it once and for all. We’ll give them a good British nanny-style thrashing, sexual undertones present and correct, and they will be put in their proper place. Perhaps then they can save their enmity for Serbia.
Or they’ll draw or win, in which case it’s cheating. It’s nonsensical either way.
If you’re on a yacht, it serves you right
ANYTHING bad that happens to you while on board a yacht is your own fault, Britain has agreed.
After a pair of retirees on a yacht in the English channel was fired upon by a Russian warship, the UK has confirmed even if they had been hit and sunk they would deserve no sympathy because of their yacht-bound situation.
Helen Archer of Stevenage said: “Ooh, ’we’re blameless! We were just sailing our boat that cost more than your flat near a Russian warship, and it shot at us!’ Bloody boomers.
“Once you climb aboard your special little seafaring vessel, probably called Windriding Winnie or some shit, and leave the mainland it’s officially your problem. Don’t come running to us if there’s a typhoon or whatever. You made your choice.
“From being captured by Somalian pirates to sucking off Leonardo DiCaprio, you knew the risks when you boarded the yacht and you did it anyway. Didn’t happen to me, did it? Because I’m not on a yacht.”
A spokesman for the Royal Yachting Association said: “Our member are, of course, superior to mere landlubbers and spend the majority of their time at sea sneering at them. But it does not follow we bear any responsibility when clocked in the head by a boom.
“Also, please note the Royal in our name. Other associations don’t have that.”
Slow, incompetent bartender looking forward to his first shift this evening
A TRAINEE bartender who asks questions like ‘sorry, what’s a Guinness?’ cannot wait to serve thirsty patrons during his shift covering this evening’s England’s match.
Ineffective, bumbling Jack Browne was pleased to see his first go at pulling pints, processing card transactions and figuring out who should rightfully be served next would take place during England’s first group game at a pub showing it live.
He said: “I haven’t had any training, and it’ll just be me because everyone else has already called in sick, oddly. Still, should be fun!
“Everyone will have to bear with me because I don’t know my way around the bar or recognise the difference between an IPA and a lager. But I’m sure the cheerful atmosphere of a high-level football competition will improve everyone’s patience.
“I asked my boss if he thought it would be busy tonight and he laughed, so I’ll take that as a no. Should I struggle to hear orders I’ll just turn off the telly for a minute. That should quell any rowdiness.”
He added: “If it starts to get out of hand I’ll switch over to BBC Two. Only Connect’s on. Though I worry that will make the regulars a bit competitive.”
At Home With The Furys and other shows where twats believe everything they’re seeing is true
IF they call it reality TV it must be real otherwise they wouldn’t be allowed, conclude the unintelligent. Which is why they’re fully invested in these obviously scripted shows:
At Home With The Furys
Tyson Fury isn’t just a mountainous thug – he’s a mountainous thug who has a family and mental health. Consequently his Netflix series is full of tear-jerking, relatable moments that are definitely off-the-cuff, and not the result of a cowering director requesting Tyson try that again, maybe with less swearing at his kids. All of whom are called Prince.
Married At First Sight
You can’t fake drama like this. It would have surely been impossible for production to predict that the bloke who came in saying his type is ‘a blonde bombshell’ would cheat on his wife of three weeks with the self-proclaimed blonde bombshell who just arrived at the dinner party. No, you can’t fake it, though you can hide certain legally actionable details.
The Only Way Is Essex
If there’s one characteristic that unites the fake-tanned, fake-nailed, boob-jobbed and Botoxed residents of Essex, it’s keeping it real. None of them can tolerate falsity in any form, which is why its stars would never allow any kind of scriptwriting and come up with every single one of those memorable lines themselves, like vajazzled Oscar Wildes.
(Keeping Up With) The Kardashians
There is no way you could keep a series on air for 18 years, with multiple spin-offs, if it was scripted. Wouldn’t you end up just re-using the same old pregnancy scares, cheating scandals and fish-out-of-water moments, but with different cast members? That’s why everything about the Kardashians must be true to life.
Made in Chelsea
What’s happening between BooBoo and Chumley is absolutely real, so don’t be fooled by their impeccable make-up and the obvious continuity errors. Posh people are just better than you, and that’s why their big, dramatic confrontations always happen while sitting calmly in a well-lit ski chalet and not while horribly geeked in a nightclub toilet.
‘It doesn’t actually matter though, does it?’: A girlfriend’s guide to ruining football
PLANNING to watch England vs Croatia tonight with mates and a not-interested girlfriend? Try to ignore her inadvertently questioning the very foundations of spectator sport:
‘It doesn’t affect real life though, does it?’
Your girlfriend points out that life will continue as before after any match, which is undeniable. And yet commentators make it sound like a matter of life and death. Could people paid massive salaries to give half-time recaps be exaggerating football’s importance? Well yeah, obviously.
‘It’s just an excuse to get pissed’
Alcohol is a large part of the appeal of football, but what’s the alternative socially acceptable way of drinking heavily? Having your mates round to get shitfaced watching Springwatch, cheering wildly when you see an otter? She wouldn’t like that either.
‘This is boring’
Defensive play, one team unassailably ahead, mindless passing to run the clock down – she’s correct that a lot of football is boring, or in the modern parlance Arsenal. To save face pretend to enjoy the tedious bits by saying: ‘Excellent, a VAR review! Now we can finally uncover the truth!’
‘I bet the players aren’t really bothered’
Just not true. Our players live for football, and who doesn’t still nurse a childhood dream of being an England hero? Although now you think about it, earning tens of millions, being worshipped by fans and shagging attractive women would overshadow occasional tournaments we never win and you’d be deranged to think otherwise.
‘It’s sad it’s the only time men are allowed to cry’
Men crying over football is a bit weird, since there are plenty of situations far worse than getting knocked out at the quarter-finals and all are more unexpected. You’ll be more in touch with your emotions from now on, perhaps having a good sob over a roadkill badger.
‘It’s random which country you’re born in anyway’
This Spock-like logic removes the fun of supporting any team, while being right. You’re rooting for an arbitrary geographic area that may as well be France, Hawaii or Krypton. So now you’ve got the stress of wondering if England will be shit and an existential identity crisis.
The Poke
An American claimed Europeans can’t ‘comprehend’ the choice of beers they sell in the US and was roasted under the table in the replies
There’s a lot of USA vs. Europe content on Twitter right now, no doubt sparked by the World Cup tournament and the influx of European fans into the USA at the moment. It’s an entertaining rivalry and one which often results in the Americans coming of second best. In the latest attempt to wind up […]
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‘What’s something that was never that good that British people get incredibly nostalgic about’ – 21 rose-tinted memories we need to forget about
Nostalgia is not a new phenomenon but it has been increasingly weaponised on social media in recent years, as anyone who has seen a picture of a charming ye olde English village with a caption suggesting it was all much better in them days (conveniently forgetting things like tuberculosis, child labour and world wars). But […]
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Donald Trump will get to lift the World Cup trophy with the winning team – 13 A++ responses that all deserve a medal
As far as we know, Donald Trump isn’t much of a football (soccer) fan. But it’s certainly true that Donald Trump is a huge Donald Trump fan. So it must be pretty galling for him to see so much international attention on the World Cup tournament at the moment, co-hosted by the USA, and not […]
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Donald Trump appeared to get lost at this gathering of world leaders at the G7 and was mocked to the moon and back
To the G7 – again! – where Donald Trump was naturally making all the headlines, if not for the reasons he’d have wanted. And this moment might be our favourite of the lot, when the leader(ish) of the free world appeared to wander off for no apparent reason only to be brought back into the […]
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‘What’s the strangest or most pointless task you’ve been given at work ?’ – 21 people wondering why the heck they’re bothering
In a world where the job market feels increasingly precarious, having work is a good thing. But have you ever been given something to do which felt so utterly futile that you begin to question why you’re being paid for this nonsense, and also what is the point of life? Plenty of people have on […]
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