The Onion
Christopher Nolan Recalls Building Fully Practical Tom Holland For ‘The Odyssey’
LOS ANGELES—Touting his commitment to authentic visual effects, filmmaker Christopher Nolan revealed Tuesday that he built a fully practical Tom Holland for his latest film, The Odyssey. “When you see Telemachus standing on the terrace overlooking Ithaca, you’ll say, ‘That’s got to be CGI’—but I can assure you, that’s bona fide Tom Holland,” said Nolan, who recalled how his special effects team of artisans and craftspeople worked relentlessly over a 10-month period to create the British actor. “It was a lot of blood, sweat, and tears. Each individual hair was placed onto the head with tweezers, and during filming I had to remind the crew to keep the IMAX cameras a good distance back to make him look short. Computer animation is easier, but I just think Tom Holland is much more immersive this way, even if it does take three highly trained puppeteers to operate him.” Nolan went on to confirm Tom Holland was now in a display case in his office.
The Onion.
Newborn Baby Can Already Tell Parents’ Genetics Not Going To Do Him Any Favors
LAS VEGAS—Expressing frustration after interacting with the unsightly couple during his first few minutes in the world, local newborn Charles “Charlie” Womack could reportedly already tell Tuesday that his parents’ genetics were not going to do him any favors. “Oh boy, looks like I’m gonna have to put all my eggs in the personality basket,” Womack said while mentally cataloging his parents’ pronounced foreheads, weak chins, poor posture, and flabby physiques. “Jesus, how did I get saddled with so many shitty genes? I can’t even imagine how two people so unattractive could work up the will to have a baby together. Aw, Christ, just look at these sad fucks. Guess I’m not playing any varsity sports. I’m not going to even bother trying to reach developmental milestones. For the love of God, I hope at least one of them is some sort of genius, or else I’ll really have nothing going for me.” At press time, sources confirmed that Womack had burst into tears upon meeting his already-balding 17-year-old brother.
The Onion.
Geologist Reunited With Beloved Rock He Studied 20 Years Ago
SPOKANE VALLEY, WA—Experiencing a range of emotions from excitement to joy to nostalgia, 49-year-old geologist Alan Hargroder was reportedly reunited Tuesday with a beloved rock that he had studied over 20 years earlier. “Oh my God, I can’t believe it remembers me,” said the University of Idaho professor, who embraced the piece of sedimentary rock in a heartwarming scene that left observers wiping tears from their eyes. “I guess I shouldn’t be surprised; they say shale never forgets a face. I missed you too, buddy! My, you’ve gotten so big. I remember when you were just a pebble.” At press time, the rock was seen rolling after Hargroder’s truck as he drove away.
The Onion.
Kash Patel Calls For Public’s Help Using Computer
WASHINGTON—Urging anyone with knowledge of the electronic device to come forward, FBI Director Kash Patel issued a statement Tuesday asking for the public’s help using the computer. “If any Americans have information related to the operation of a Lenovo laptop running Windows—at least I think it’s Windows, anyway—we encourage them to very slowly talk me through it by reaching out to our tip line at 1-800-CALL-FBI,” said Patel, adding that the agency was offering a reward of up to $40,000 for anyone who provided a tip leading to his ability to reset the password to his official government email. “We have the FBI’s top IT guys trying to show me how to send a PDF to the office printer, but they can’t do it alone. The clock is ticking on dozens of critical emails I have no idea how to send and important remote meetings I have no idea how to join. Anyone who can offer their assistance in figuring out how to connect my computer to a pair of Bluetooth headphones would be doing a great service to their nation.” At press time, Patel had issued a second statement asking for the public’s help in accessing messages left on the FBI tip line.
The Onion.
All Things Musk Pass
The Onion.
Duffel Blog
'You can’t fire me, I quit!' Gen. Donahue says as he rolls a joint
WASHINGTON — Hours after reports emerged that Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth had removed Gen. Christopher Donahue from command, Donahue insisted the decision was entirely mutual and that he had been planning to leave the Army all along.“You can’t fire me,” Donahue told reporters. “I quit.”Witnesses said Donahue made the announcement while wearing an unbuttoned Army service uniform, aviator sunglasses, and smoking what appeared to be a joint.“I’ve done my duty,” Donahue said. “I didn’t join the Army to become a politician. I joined to protect America. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have a standing meeting with freedom.”Known as the last American service member to depart Afghanistan in 2021, Donahue spent decades accepting difficult assignments and fighting America's enemies around the world before reportedly discovering that his most dangerous foes were back in Washington.
VA found dead in Capitol Hill parking lot in apparent suicide
WASHINGTON — The Department of Veterans Affairs was found dead early Tuesday in a Capitol Hill parking lot from what authorities described as an apparent self-inflicted gunshot wound.Officials stopped short of ruling the death a suicide but confirmed that a note was recovered and that foul play is not suspected.According to sources familiar with the note, the VA blamed years of abuse by successive administrations, including budget cuts, hiring freezes, leadership turnover, public condemnation, and repeated demands to immediately solve problems created by those same policies.In recent months, the VA had appeared exhausted following restructuring efforts after the appointment of Doug Collins, who promised to “bring accountability” to an agency long accused of the radical act of attempting to care for veterans.“This wasn’t a surprise,” said one longtime employee. “The mission used to be what Lincoln said: ‘To care for him who shall have borne the battle, and for his widow, and his orphan.’ Lately it’s been more like, ‘Hey buddy, go fuck yourself. Never mind your wife and kids.’”Employees described a familiar cycle dating back decades.“First you cut staffing,” one employee said. “Then you freeze hiring. Then you accuse us of being inefficient. Then you demand shorter wait times without restoring any of the people you laid off.”Congressional leaders from both parties expressed shock while pledging vigorous oversight, widely understood to mean additional hearings asking why the VA failed to function properly after repeatedly being instructed not to function properly.The note also referenced what it described as “administrative elimination through omission,” a process in which programs authorized by Congress quietly disappear through policy changes rather than legislation.Vocational Rehabilitation and Employment was reportedly placed into “strategic latency,” a condition in which a program technically exists but becomes increasingly difficult to access.“No politician wants to vote against veterans,” said one congressional aide. “It’s much easier to praise veterans publicly while quietly making benefits harder to receive.”Observers said the agency had exhibited warning signs for years.“It was an abusive relationship,” one analyst said. “Every budget season started with ‘We love veterans,’ followed immediately by ‘How do we spend less on these suckers?’”Plans for a memorial service are underway. Attendance is expected to be bipartisan.At press time, lawmakers had announced a task force to determine how the VA allowed this tragedy to happen to itself.
New ‘every Marine is a pilot’ ethos proves disastrous
Corps says replacing flight training with confidence has produced mixed results
Opinion: Come on. You know why I was fired
The following is an opinion piece by former Gen. Chris Donahue.Before I begin, I should make one thing clear: I do not usually do exit interviews.I have always been a task-oriented leader. My understanding was that the Army rewarded competence. Looking back, I now realize I may have been confusing the Army with literally every other profession.When the Big Green machine needed something difficult done — operations in Iraq, operations in Syria, planning for Benghazi, humanitarian missions stateside, or trying to keep Kabul from becoming even worse — they called me.So.Come on.You know why I was fired.Like anyone who serves long enough, I have eaten my share of shit sandwiches. That is part of the job. What I was not prepared for was to have the chef blame me for the recipe.Sure, I may have irritated some people by saying “woke” was not actually a meaningful military problem.Maybe that did it. Or maybe I am giving myself too much credit.The Army spent decades teaching me initiative, judgment, discipline, candor, and mission command. As it turns out, the correct answer was enthusiastic mediocrity.That one is on me.I also want to thank Sen. Thom Tillis for calling the whole affair “sophomoric” and “unserious.” I appreciate the sentiment, even if he only discovered his spine after announcing he was leaving public life.Still, better late than never.People keep asking how we got here.I do not know. I was in meetings.You people elected these assholes.For years, I believed “mission first, people always” was more than decorative wall art in battalion headquarters. I thought leaders were supposed to tell the truth, accept responsibility, and build organizations capable of learning from failure.Again, my mistake.Here is what I learned.Do not be the person who solves problems. Be the person who confidently explains why solving them would be woke.Do not preserve institutional memory. Delete it, then accuse the next guy of not knowing the history.Do not demonstrate independent judgment. Demonstrate vibes.Above all, do not accidentally make mediocre people feel small by being prepared, competent, and useful in a crisis. That creates what the Pentagon now calls a “leadership climate concern.”The safest career path now is simple: say “lethality” every third sentence, pretend every issue can be fixed with deadlifts, and never allow your service record to suggest you might know what you are talking about.If asked for a recommendation, say “warrior ethos.”If asked for evidence, say “DEI.”If asked for a plan, say “classified.”That is not bitterness. That is professional development.So, to review:Competence is for suckers. Institutional memory is optional. Merit lasts exactly as long as it flatters the right people.And if you are wearing enough stars to have an independent opinion, or enough talent to outshine mediocrity pretending to care about excellence, you may want to update your résumé.Take care of yourselves.Watch your six.And if you are still wondering why I was fired?Come on.You know.🖊️Tony knows not everyone can show the courage of a Fox weekend co-host …when it comes to purges anyway.
Trump announces conditional surrender to Iran
WASHINGTON — President Donald Trump announced the terms of a conditional surrender to Iran this week, briefly threatened to resume strikes, then canceled those plans after declaring the surrender “one of the strongest deals ever made by someone who technically won.”The agreement, which officials described as “not a ceasefire, not a peace deal, and definitely not what it looks like,” remained uncertain as of press time.“We did not want to rush into any deal, no matter how pyrrhic their victory may appear,” Trump said. “People said a deal was close 38 times. They were wrong. But the 39th time? That’s when I got it done.”Under the proposed terms, Iran would swear “up and down” that it destroyed nuclear material U.S. officials previously claimed had already been destroyed. Iran would also promise not to restart its nuclear program unless circumstances changed, inspectors became annoying, or the ample bribe cleared first.In exchange, the United States would agree to stop calling the outcome a surrender while allowing Iran to describe it however it wanted domestically.“You know, people have criticized Iran deals before, but those were deals made by stupid people,” Trump said. “This is different. We’re very smart people. We know how to negotiate a tremendous surrender from a position of strength.”Officials said the deal also requires Iran to limit Chinese-supplied air defenses to prewar levels, though analysts noted Tehran would likely purchase replacements using funds provided under the agreement.Iran has not yet accepted the proposal.“Congrats on faking yourself out, Mr. President,” the Islamic Revolutionary Guard Corps wrote on X. “We will consider the offer, though frankly we have not had this easy a time since sending human wave attacks against the Iraqi army.”Trump remained undeterred, posting what he called a final offer.“Three free strikes on the air defenses we already obliterated in exchange for another pallet of cash,” he wrote. “Fair?”🖊️Tony won’t accept anything other than conditional surrender, weather permitting.
Daily Mash
Farage turned down official security because it wasn’t wearing enough leather
Cloning Sam Neill: the ethical debate
WOULD it be wrong to use blood harvested from the late Sam Neill to create an entire island of cloned Sam Neills as a tourist attraction? We debate:
For: Sam Neill was so lovely and nice
Why should Sam Neill’s fabled kindness and gentle humour, so celebrated by his colleagues and on social media, be allowed to disappear? When modern science can replicate him and populate an empty New Zealand island with hundreds of him, chuckling wryly and making wine?
Against: We know little of Sam Neill in his youth
The picture we have of Sam Neill is as an older man, from his Navy Captain in Dead Calm to his gruff settler in The Piano. We cannot know what he was like when younger without watching low-quality Kiwi cinema, so should not assume he was benign. He may have been territorial and prone to outbursts of violence.
For: One Sam Neill was wonderful, so hundreds would be even better
By failing to act we are depriving future generations of the blessing that was Sam Neill when they could have not one, but many. A cornucopia of Neills, each with an avuncular twinkle in their eye, time for children, amusing anecdotes about Nicole Kidman and homespun wisdom to share. What a marvellous tourist attraction.
Against: Sam Neill may begin to exhibit pack behaviour
A multiplicity of Neills may not behave as we would expect a single Neill to. United by their common goals, we risk them forming packs and hunting down visitors to their island. At first only regaling them with self-deprecating stories of being on set with Elle Macpherson, but later turning to pranks, disembowelling and feeding on carrion.
For: Sam Neill could make more films
Doesn’t the world deserve more Sam Neill magic? More moments like those in The Dish, Hunt for the Wilderpeople, Event Horizon and the upcoming Godzilla x Kong: Supernova? With an entire island of Neills, they could fly off to shoot movies and still be present to hand out vintages from their own vineyards to delighted tourists.
Against: Sam Neill could break containment
Deep in the jungle, Sam Neill could find a way of breeding. Hidden from monitoring, thousands of Sam Neills could evade security measures, escape the island and infiltrate society. By their effortless superiority to any other father, grandfather or leader out there, they would take over the world. But would that be so bad? Not on the evidence.
Middle-aged man can only make major purchases on laptop
A 52-YEAR-OLD man has admitted he cannot purchase anything costing upwards of £99 online unless sitting soberly in front of a laptop computer.
Tom Booker of Coventry will happily purchase T-shirts, tickets, or trainers on his phone but believes that booking a flight, buying a car or renewing insurance requires ‘the big computer’.
He said: “I know that, in theory, the phone does the same thing. It’s just that’s where I watch videos of dogs falling into ponds. I can’t use that to buy a fridge.
“No, for a three-figure purchase it has to be at the dining table. I need a mug of tea, reading glasses, at least four tabs open and my email ready to receive a six-digit verification code. Also a notebook I write numbers in then never consult.
“A phone? That’s for finding out what else that actress has been in, or checking the time, or ordering an eight-pack of drain hair clog removers from Amazon. You can’t buy a used Volvo on that. The mind revolts.”
Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “To young people, a phone is a small computer. To the old, it’s for accidentally taking extreme close-ups of their nostrils. The laptop is where Serious Things happen.”
Son Ryan said: “I bought a £2,500 e-bike on my phone. At a gig, between the support and main act, while holding a pint in my other hand.”
No link between academic performance and giving end-of-year gifts so don’t bother
RESEARCH has found there is no correlation between giving teachers expensive end-of-year gifts and academic performance so parents should not waste their money.
A five-year study showed that whether teachers are rewarded with chocolates, flavoured gin or nothing at all at the end of the school year makes no difference at all to their teaching or pupils’ educational outcomes.
Parent Jo Kramer said: “I assumed when I handed over a bottle of prosecco in a reused gift bag, I was buying Connor the push that would take him from grade 6 to grade 8.
“Apparently not. Apparently he’s treated like any other kid despite my outlay of £6.50 and writing ‘thanks for all your hard work!’ on the tag. I regard that as fraudulent.”
Parent Julian Cook agreed: “Do they believe we’re giving them a bunch of supermarket flowers out of actual gratitude? What for? Doing their bloody jobs?
“That bouquet was bought on the clear understanding that it would earn Poppy leniency, better marks for her topic about Awesome Animals, and eventually a place at a Russell Group university. I’m glad I found out it was worthless now, while she’s six.”
Teacher Lucy Parry said: “The thing is you give us booze now, we get wrecked for six weeks, we’ve no idea who’s who by September.”
You’re the Voice by John Farnham, and other dangers of rediscovering 80s soft rock
EVERYONE loves Bonnie Tyler belting out Total Eclipse of the Heart, but Gen Z should be warned that 80s soft rock is not a safe space. These songs are why:
We Don’t Need Another Hero by Tina Turner, 1985
Archetypal soft rock thanks to its dated keyboards, catchy nonsensical hook and being a blockbuster movie tie-in. Tina Turner was in the film, so knew full well their overriding message was that until society is rebuilt you absolutely do need heroes or you’ll be cruelly slaughtered by bastards like Lord Humungus.
You’re the Voice by John Farnham, 1986
‘We’re all someone’s daughter, we’re all someone’s son. How long can we look at each other, down the barrel of a gun?’ sings John, in the typically impassioned plea for peace which made up around 40 per cent of all soft rock lyrics. It was generally accepted that big hair and bagpipe solos would end the Cold War. And eventually, David Hasselhoff did.
We Built This City by Starship, 1985
Musically it’s got every 80s cliché: synth stabs, power chords, boring anthemic chorus. While taking generic lyrics to a new level with pseudo-meaningful bollocks about ‘corporation games’ and the assertion that rock and roll builds cities, which it doesn’t. San Francisco, referenced in the song, was built on maritime trade and the financial sector.
Glory of Love by Peter Cetera, 1986
Pete pours his heart into it but the song is inextricably linked to The Karate Kid Part II, which is largely about a white boy travelling to Japan to kick ass. Colonialism and white American kids beating the natives at their own game are no longer considered the uplifting themes for a movie they once were.
Can’t Fight This Feeling by REO Speedwagon, 1984
You’re torn between liking the tune and hating everything else: the pompous piano intro, the teenage poetry lyrics, a deeply misjudged video about a baby growing into a middle-aged father and passing on his teddy bear. And singer Kevin Cronin’s 1980s mullet is something to behold. It looks as if he’s wearing an Ewok on his head.
Eye of the Tiger by Survivor, 1982
Weapons-grade cheese, with its highly effective riff and lyrics entirely composed of guff about tigers, being ‘back on the street’ and fighting being a rewarding experience. But went from the Rocky III soundtrack to ubiquity, used everywhere from real boxing matches to Dumb and Dumberer, so the vicarious macho excitement is gone and you may as well be putting on The Smiths.
The Power of Love by Huey Lewis and the News, 1985
Huey and the guys really perfected the art of utterly bland pop rock no-one can object to, the musical equivalent of comfortable socks. However it was written specifically for Back to the Future and since Marty’s girlfriend isn’t in most of the film it should really be called The Power of Your Mum Fancying You. Which today’s porn-addled kids are probably into.
The Poke
Laura Ingraham called Donald Trump an alpha male who drives liberal men crazy and suffered a reality check visible from space
Put on the hazmat suit, we’re switching the channel to Fox News. One of the longest tenured screaming heads at the alt-right news network went out of her way to re-establish her bonafides as someone who will say or do anything necessary to please the dear leader. Laura Ingraham has been contributing to the network […]
The Poke.
People have been sharing the best hidden gem YouTube channels – 17 amazing accounts you can watch for free right now
When it launched in 2005, YouTube was something of a wild west. Anyone could upload a video for the whole world to see, the only barrier to entry was a camera and an internet connection. Fast forward 21 years, and the platform is dominated by clickbait headlines and over the top thumbnails. This doesn’t mean […]
The Poke.
‘Pack it in!’ – just a great long list of the funniest and most relatable ‘Very British Warnings’
The always wonderful Very British Problems Twitter account have been turning their attention to the idiosyncratic ways in which British people express their disapproval. They suggested three of their favourite ‘British warnings’ and their followers chipped in with a slew of similarly understated utterances of irritation. It’s hugely entertaining, all too relatable and very, very […]
The Poke.
Donald Trump wants other countries to pay him for whatever the hell he’s doing to the Strait of Hormuz – 17 especially straight-talking replies
First it wasn’t a war. Then the war was over. Now, it appears, he’s trying to privatise it. Donald Trump’s catastrophic Middle East clusterf-ck continues to cause headaches for the entire world and his latest bright idea will somehow make it even worse. The American president now wants to be paid for everything going on […]
The Poke.
Nick Robinson was taking zero nonsense from Robert Jenrick and had people everywhere cheering him on
To the studios of the Today programme where presenter Nick Robinson had the pleasure of interviewing Reform UK’s Robert Jenrick. Well, we say interviewing, but Jenrick appeared keener to just go on and on – and on. So much so that Robinson felt the need to (briefly) call a halt to proceedings and we’re glad […]
The Poke.
