The Onion
Plan To Splurge Scrapped On Account Of Price
SAN FRANCISCO—Immediately reconsidering her decision to treat herself to a little spending spree upon seeing how much it would cost, local woman Christina Rogers reportedly scrapped her plan to splurge Thursday on account of the price. “I told myself I was going to reward my hard work this week by dropping some serious dough on a nice shirt, but then I saw what they charge for a nice shirt,” said Rogers, adding that she abandoned the idea of spending lavishly on herself when she checked the price tag and realized she would have to pay $89.99 plus tax. “This money is burning a hole in my pocket, but the hole isn’t that big. Hopefully I’ll have a chance to splurge more responsibly if this goes on sale in a month or two.” At press time, sources confirmed Rogers had taken her desire to splurge to the clearance rack.
The Onion.
Mom Making Her Birthday All About Her
DAVENPORT, IA—In a shocking and distressing display of self-centered behavior on “this day of all days,” the grown children of Lynn Sullivan confirmed Thursday that their mom was making her birthday entirely about her. “It’s just ‘me, me, me,’ with her today. Unbelievable,” said 19-year-old son Brian Sullivan, who was reportedly upset by the lack of attention he received on his mother’s 53rd birthday that morning. “She just thinks the world revolves around her, even when it’s her birthday. She could’ve asked if maybe I might like some breakfast in bed too, but no—all she cared about was getting hers. And I guess she just decided that Aunt Becky is gonna come over for coffee later? I don’t remember agreeing to that, but okay. God, this is the exact same shit she pulled on Mother’s Day.” At press time, Sullivan expressed relief that his mom would at least still be cooking dinner that evening.
The Onion.
Nathan Fielder Quietly Deletes Footage Of Theranos Machine Working Perfectly
The Onion.
The Onion’s Exclusive Interview With Elizabeth Holmes
You Can See Everything, a documentary that follows Theranos founder Elizabeth Holmes in the month before her prison sentence, has debuted to critical acclaim. The Onion sat down with Holmes to discuss what’s new.
The Onion : Can we get you anything before starting?
Elizabeth Holmes: I would love a glass of $12 million.
The Onion : How are you feeling?
Billy Evans: I’ll take this. She’s feeling great, thanks.
The Onion : What piece of media would you say is the most accurate depiction of who you truly are?
Holmes: Probably the show Monk.
The Onion : Have you lost a lot of friends due to your legal troubles?
Holmes: Yes. That is what happened. I did have lots of friends, but I lost them.
The Onion : Are you still in touch with Walgreens?
Holmes: I’ve been on hold on the phone with them for about 10 years now.
The Onion : Is there anything you think the public misunderstands?
Holmes: Theranos only used blood from stray dogs we lured to our dog abattoir; no one missed those dogs.
The Onion : Does your family still trust you?
Holmes: Absolutely. Don’t tell them I’m in prison, though. They think I’m on vacation in Jamaica.
The Onion.
Pelicans Announce Upcoming ‘Basketball Night’
NEW ORLEANS—In an effort to boost attendance and reach new fans, the New Orleans Pelicans announced Tuesday an upcoming “Basketball Night” promotion honoring the popular sport. “Fans at the game on Mar. 11 will not only get to see their hometown Pelicans, but they’ll also get a chance to immerse themselves in the game of basketball through an array of special programming designed to capture the excitement of NBA competition,” said Pelicans spokesperson Sam Shannon, adding that the theme night will feature hands-on activities that will make attendees feel as though they’re experiencing real NBA basketball—including photo opportunities with life-size cutouts of league stars like Victor Wembanyama, dance performances set to iconic basketball anthems, and free Los Angeles Lakers hats for the first 10,000 fans, along with other giveaways meant to give the people of New Orleans a taste of high-level hoops. “For one night only, New Orleans will be home to high-flying NBA action, and the Pelicans will be there as well. Whether you root for the Celtics, the Warriors, or one of the many other franchises across the country, we encourage you to get into the NBA spirit by repping your favorite team’s jersey. Join us in bringing basketball right here to the Smoothie King Center.” As an added bonus, Shannon revealed that the NBA’s own Toronto Raptors will be coming to town for the event, giving fans the chance to see real elite professional basketball players compete in the flesh.
The Onion.
Babylon Bee
Not Sure If You Married Your Brother? 9 Signs To Look For
With Representative Ilhan Omar seemingly unsure about whether she accidentally married her brother, millions of women have been left asking themselves a difficult question: Am I married to my brother? Don't worry. We'll help you sort this out.
Nation Excited For World Series Matchup Of Not The Dodgers Vs. Not The Yankees
U.S. — Fans are reportedly more excited than ever for the 2026 World Series, eager to sit down and watch a compelling matchup between Not the Dodgers and Not the Yankees.
Gideon Asks For Just One More Sign Where He Puts Out Wet Fleece And God Turns It Into A Tank
OPHRAH — Before going into battle, Gideon, the son of Joash the Abiezrite, reportedly asked for a third sign to prove beyond the shadow of a doubt that the Lord was with him: for a wet fleece to be turned into a tank.
Enterprising Mormon Also Sells Solar For Residents Not Interested In Talking About Jesus
PROVO, UT — Entrepreneur and LDS missionary Ricardo Lopez has begun selling residential solar panels to homeowners who aren't interested in talking about God.
‘Not To My Knowledge,’ Replies Eve When Asked If She Ate The Forbidden Fruit
EDEN — Asked by God whether she had consumed fruit from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, Eve replied, "Not to my knowledge."
ClickHole
Abuse Of Power: An Investigation Found That Zohran Mamdani Has Been Quietly Using NYC Street Sweepers To Clean His Personal Home
NYC Mayor Zohran Mamdani’s socialist views may be polarizing, but not even his biggest critics can point to corruption as a concern about his first term in office—at least, not yet. Unfortunately, a new scandal threatens to derail all the goodwill he’s accumulated so far: An investigation has found that Mayor Mamdani has been quietly using NYC street sweepers to clean his personal home.
What a horrible look for Mayor Mamdani. The bar for politicians was in hell, and it just got a little lower. Ugh.
According to a New York Post investigation published today, Mayor Zohran Mamdani allegedly made backdoor deals with the Department Of Sanitation to have city-owned street sweepers clean his personal residence at Gracie Mansion. The report found that soon after taking office in January 2026, Mamdani privately redirected weekly street sweeper routes to collect litter from his bedroom, living room, kitchen, and bathrooms – personal spaces where the mayor is not subject to the same alternate side parking rules and enforcement that New Yorkers are on all other public street cleaning routes.
Sources say say the mayor’s first course of action upon moving into Gracie Mansion was to construct a “private, street sweeper-sized entrance” on the back of the home, and “renovate all staircases into street sweeper-accommodating ramps” that would allow the street cleaning vehicles to sweep the entire house and return to the street with discretion.
When asked for comment, Mayor Mamdani agreed to a phone call with New York Post reporters after returning home from City Hall for the night, but his response to the allegations was “completely inaudible over the deafening clamor of street sweepers.”
Just unbelievably disappointing. Turns out Zohran Mamdani is no less crooked than Eric Adams.
It’s no wonder Mamdani gets along with President Trump so well, since they both can’t help but abuse the power Americans entrusted to them. We truly never fathomed that Mayor Mamdani would stoop to using a taxpayer-funded street sweeper for personal cleaning purposes, but here we are. Sigh. New York deserves so much better.
Bold New Angle: Patagonia Is Advertising Their New Line Of Raincoats By Saying They ‘Repel 100 Percent Of Cumshots’
Though the outerwear brand Patagonia is known for its eco-friendly messaging, it seems like they’re ready to shake things up, because they’re now advertising their new line of raincoats by saying they repel 100 percent of cumshots.
Goodbye greenwashing… hello cumwashing!
Hitting stores this week, the Patagonia Ultralight Cumshell Jacket builds upon the brand’s three-layer rain shell base by adding a cum-repellent latex panel designed to keep the wearer safe during jizz-heavy activities. With an adjustable hood that even includes a roll-down visor, wearers can feel great knowing that they’ll truly stay dry no matter how many people (or animals!) are cumming on them all day.
Well, this is definitely a bold way to market a rain coat! While it remains unclear whether or not the brand thinks this is a sex jacket or just an outdoorsy clothing item that happen to be more cum-focused, you have to think a jacket like this will find its audience on its own. As of publication, this is the only cum-preventative jacket on the market.
Your move, The North Face!
Remaining Defiant: Jerry Seinfeld Has Announced That In Response To Criticism Of His Support For Israel, He Will Be Dating Another 17-Year-Old
A recent incident where Jerry Seinfeld responded to hecklers accusing him of supporting genocide by saying, “I am a racist, it’s a genocide, I’m into it,” showed that the comedian isn’t ashamed to defend his pro-Israel stance. But now the beloved comedian is proving more than ever that he’s not backing down: Jerry Seinfeld has announced that in response to criticism of his support for Israel, he will be dating another 17-year-old.
Damn! Looks like Israel got a new attack dog, and his name is Jerry Seinfeld.
During an interview on SiriusXM’s ‘We Got Company,’ Seinfeld doubled down on his defense of Israel, stating, “They say I can’t support Israel. They heckle my performances. They slander me online. But I won’t apologize. In fact, thanks to the constant harassment these people put me through, I will be dating another 17-year-old.”
“I’ve had enough! I thought about doing ‘Unfrosted 2’ to get back at these jerks, but I wanted to go even further,” he continued. “So I will be prowling parks near high schools in search of a new underage girlfriend. I don’t care what my haters think. I don’t care what my wife thinks. And I don’t care what the 17-year-old thinks. We’re going to be in love, and she is going to be 17 and very busty for her age. You thought the age gap was bad when I was 39? Just wait until I have a 17-year-old girlfriend NOW. I’m going to be proud as ever to support Israel and have a 17-year-old girlfriend. Because calling me a racist comes with consequences. And those consequences are 17 years old.”
Whoa! No matter where you stand on the Israel issue/72-year-olds dating children, you’ve gotta admire Seinfeld’s conviction here.
Looks like when you mess with Jerry, you get the horns. If you’re an anti-Israel activist, you may want to think twice before the next time you heckle Seinfeld.
An Interesting Detail About Her Past: Mom Just Casually Revealed She Had 18 Kids With Another Man Before She Married Dad
Mom has always been honest and open about her past, which is why the detail she just dropped is so interesting:
Mom just casually revealed she had 18 kids with another man before she married Dad.
Whoa! It’s almost like she had an entirely different life before her and Dad got together.
Last night, upon seeing a mother pushing triplets around in a stroller, Mom, without much fanfare at all, let it slip that she’d had triplets not once, but twice prior to starting her relationship with Dad. That led to her saying, “Yeah, I had…” stopping to do the math in her head, and then finishing, “Eighteen kids with the guy I was with before I met your father.”
Surprised that we were treating it like it was a big deal, Mom continued, “Oh, I thought I told you about that,” then, in response to being asked, “Where are your 18 kids now?” she just shrugged and said, “Who knows. I haven’t thought about them in a while.”
After briefly changing the subject to how she was excited for Christmas this year, the 18 previously unknown children were brought up again, at which point she nonchalantly disclosed that she had been the subject of a reality show called, “Eighteen’s Enough,” which ran for six seasons on the E! network and that two of the kids were named, “Jason” because she ran out of names she liked.
Dang! It’s easy to just see your parents as being just your parents their entire lives, so it’s hard to imagine that at one time they were the parent of 18 other kids you’ve never met. This really makes Mom seem like a whole new person!
Heartbreaking: There’s Not A Single Outfit This Man Can Pull Off
Better get out the heart glue, because this is going to break your heart: There’s not a single outfit this man can pull off.
Oof. Some men are just trying too hard to pull off a look that doesn’t work for them, but this one…this one can’t pull off any of them.
Forty-two-year-old Subaru salesman Lyonel Brinks has tried the concert t-shirt and ripped jeans look.
He’s tried the buttoned-up casual polo shirt and khakis look.
He’s tried a leather jacket.
He’s tried a sports jersey and sweatpants.
But every single last outfit, whether it’s something simple and timeless or something bold and cutting edge, leaves him looking like a child wearing an unidentifiable Halloween costume.
Tailored, oversized, vintage-inspired, hat, no-hat, no matter what, Lionel looks like he’s trying too hard, uncomfortable, and somehow “kidding” with what he wears, as if it’s meant to me a joke. Even when he’s just wearing a pair of jeans from J.Crew and a white oxford shirt.
Dressed up, he looks like a schlubby guy who’s overdressed for dinner at Olive Garden. Dressed down, he looks like he just rolled out of bed to take a leak at 3 a.m. Clothes that fit him perfectly only serve to accentuate his odd proportions and weird neck angle, and clothes that fit him relaxed immediately make him look 70 pounds heavier.
Honestly, the look he came closest to pulling off was when he dressed up in a steampunk outfit to go to a local gaming convention, and that was only because no guys can really pull off a steampunk look so he just didn’t look any worse than the guys who can sort of pull it off.
There’s simply nothing Lionel can wear that doesn’t make everyone who looks at him feel sort of sorry for him.
To make matters worse, Lionel just booked his first tattoo appointment, and no matter what he gets, and no matter where it goes, you know that this is only going to serve to make him look even less like he’s pulling off whatever he’s wearing.
All hearts break for Lionel. This is so, so sad.
Duffel Blog
Trump announces sale of Patriot missiles to Russia
WASHINGTON — President Donald Trump announced this week that he had secured a "blockbuster deal" to sell Patriot missile systems to Russia, calling the agreement a historic victory for American manufacturing and international peace."This is a great day for America and for Russia," Trump said. "We're selling them beautiful American missiles. The best missiles. And they're going to use them to defend themselves against Ukraine, which, frankly, has been attacking Russia for a very long time."The deal comes amid ongoing negotiations to sell stealth fighter jets to China and follows a separate agreement to provide North Korea with artillery targeting information on South Korean positions.RTX officials praised the agreement, noting that selling missile-defense systems to both sides of an armed conflict could establish a sustainable long-term business model."Historically, we've had to depend on one side running out of weapons," one company executive said. "Now we can sell one country missiles, sell the other country interceptors, and repeat indefinitely."A White House fact sheet explained that existing restrictions would be waived to permit billions of dollars in American-made air-defense weapons to be sold to Moscow.Deliveries will be expedited ahead of previously scheduled shipments to NATO allies, including Poland, whose military has complained about delays in receiving Patriot interceptors."Poland already has Patriots," Trump said. "Very greedy people. Russia doesn't have any American Patriots. Very unfair."Pentagon officials confirmed that Ukrainian requests for additional Patriot interceptors would be reviewed after Russia's deliveries were completed. Officials also said Ukraine would be charged an additional 35% tariff on any American weapons used to destroy American weapons recently sold to Russia."These are defensive weapons," one official explained. "If Ukraine stops attacking Russia, Russia won't need as many of them. It's a pretty straightforward path to peace."Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskyy expressed confusion over the arrangement, asking why American weapons intended to defend Ukraine were instead being sold to the country invading it.Trump dismissed the complaint."Zelenskyy is always asking for missiles. Never says thank you. Very bad for Ukraine," Trump said. "Putin is actually buying them. You tell me who's the better customer."At a joint press conference, Russian President Vladimir Putin thanked Trump for recognizing Russia's legitimate security concerns."These systems will help protect Russian territory from continued Ukrainian aggression," Putin said.Asked whether that included Ukrainian territory currently occupied by Russian forces, Putin said the missiles would defend "all Russian territory, including territory that is not Russian yet."
Hegseth consults God via dumpster fire behind Pentagon
PENTAGON — Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth announced this week that God had spoken directly to him through what he referred to as “a burning repository of divine origin.”The repository was later revealed to be a four-cubic-yard, 2,000-pound Wastequip dumpster located behind the Pentagon, with Hegseth explaining, “The Lord works in mysterious ways.”“The Holy Trinity told me I had to work harder to keep my promises,” Hegseth said. “I don’t see this as a warning from the Lord. No, really, it’s vindication that I’m on a holy path.”During a two-hour press conference, Hegseth explained his understanding of his promise to the Almighty. He believed God wanted him to focus on restoring America as a Christian nation, destroying God’s enemies with righteous divine justice, and remove shrimp, lobster, and crab from all dining facilities.“With God on our side, we now know there’s no negotiating with Iran, Cuba and, maybe, even though we announced a deal, Greenland again,” Hegseth said.Moments later, he pulled out a Bible and read a verse.“2 Chronicles 32:7: ‘Be strong and courageous, be not afraid nor dismayed …’” Hegseth said.He paused and smelled his suit.“‘And when thy Lord appears unto thee as a four-yard commercial dumpster, breatheth shallowly through thy mouth, weareth a mask with appropriate particulate filtration and always stay upwind.’”
US to livestream execution of Ukraine
WASHINGTON — The Trump administration said it would livestream the execution of Ukraine, replacing a planned broadcast of convicted Fort Hood shooter Nidal Hasan's death with what officials are calling the largest pay-per-view event in American military history.Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth said the decision came after President Donald Trump canceled plans to televise Hasan’s execution following widespread criticism that broadcasting a man’s death would be barbaric.“We heard the concerns of the American people,” Hegseth said. “Some people were uncomfortable watching a defenseless man get shot. So we’re going to show them 40 million defenseless people getting shot instead.”The broadcast, tentatively titled UKRAINE: THE FINAL BETRAYAL, will feature live satellite feeds, commentary from administration officials, and a halftime performance by Kid Rock.“Nobody does executions like us,” Trump told reporters. “Nobody. We’re talking about an entire country. Beautiful country. Very big. And we’re going to do it live. The ratings will be unbelievable.”Trump said the event would begin with a ceremonial lifting of sanctions on Russia, followed by a military demonstration in which Elon Musk personally toggles Ukraine’s Starlink service on and off while Russian drones approach their targets.“Elon has a button. Very powerful button," Trump said. "He can turn the internet off for an entire army. And the best part is, we don’t even have to fire a shot.”Musk confirmed he would participate, saying Ukraine should be grateful he allowed it to have internet in the first place.
Iran condemns US plan to livestream execution as barbaric
TEHRAN, Iran — Iranian officials condemned the Pentagon's proposal to livestream the execution of convicted Fort Hood shooter Nidal Hasan, calling the plan a grotesque display of state violence that no civilized government should tolerate."Absolutely barbaric," said Islamic Revolutionary Guard Corps spokesman Ebrahim Zolfaghari. "What kind of country turns an execution into a public spectacle? Have these people no shame?"Zolfaghari made the remarks following Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth's announcement that Hasan, convicted of killing 13 people at Fort Hood in 2009, would be executed by firing squad in a ceremony broadcast to the public."We once executed a man's horse," Zolfaghari said. "Even we knew not to livestream it."In an official statement, the Iranian government questioned whether the United States had abandoned the basic principles of dignity and restraint that distinguish civilized societies from authoritarian regimes."Public executions are intended to be solemn affairs conducted with the utmost professionalism," the statement read. "Transforming them into entertainment diminishes the dignity of the state, the condemned, and the terrified citizens compelled to attend."Iranian officials were particularly disturbed that Americans could watch the execution from the comfort of their own homes."An execution is not a television program," Zolfaghari said. "It is an important government function, traditionally attended by thousands of unwilling spectators."The statement urged American leaders to consider the moral implications of normalizing public brutality."Once a government begins displaying executions for political purposes, where does it end?" Zolfaghari asked. "Soon your citizens become accustomed to watching people die. And then what? You start hanging dissidents from cranes?"He shook his head."That's a very dangerous path."Iranian state television devoted extensive coverage to the controversy, interrupting its regularly scheduled programming of public confessions, fingernail-pulling competitions, and revolutionary tribunals to condemn the American proposal.One Tehran resident expressed particular concern about the example the United States was setting for younger generations."Children should not grow up believing it is normal for their government to execute people in public," she said. "There is a time and place for such things, and that place is normally the town square after Friday prayers."President Donald Trump defended the original proposal, arguing that the United States should not allow foreign governments to dictate how Americans conduct their executions."We have tremendous executions," Trump said. "Very professional. Iran thinks they're better than us. They're not."Hegseth reportedly began reviewing proposals for additional military executions to be conducted before live audiences, though Pentagon officials emphasized that any future broadcasts would comply with applicable regulations and YouTube's community guidelines.The controversy took an unexpected turn Thursday, when Trump announced that Hasan's execution would no longer be livestreamed following criticism from lawmakers, religious leaders, and the public.Iran welcomed the reversal as an encouraging sign that American leaders were finally listening to the international community."We are pleased that the United States has reconsidered this disgraceful proposal," Zolfaghari said. "Perhaps someday America will develop the same respect for human rights that we have."At press time, Iranian authorities had arrested three citizens for laughing at the statement.Tony is disgusted at the state of things in general, your face, quite possibly your Mom and can’t believe he had to write this.
Vetbro apparel company pivots from stupid shirts to aggressively homoerotic ones
AUSTIN, Texas — Veteran-owned apparel company ValorThreads Frontline Mission Tee-riffic announced this week it would pivot away from merely producing the stupidest shirts anyone has ever seen and toward producing the stupidest shirts anyone has ever seen with substantially more homoerotic imagery.“We saw where the market was going,” CEO John Rall said. “The old formula was 37 American flags, 12 skulls, nine eagles, an AR-15 and the word ‘FREEDOM’ in distressed type.”He shook his head.“That just doesn’t move product like it used to.”Company research found that its shirts remained every bit as visually catastrophic as competing veteran brands but lacked sufficient quantities of shirtless, heavily muscled men.“We listened to our customers,” Rall said. “They want freedom. They want defense. They want the thin blue line. But apparently they also want two oily dudes with mustaches standing extremely close together beside a motorcycle.”ValorThreads designers have since adopted what the company calls “heritage masculinity.”New designs feature mullets, aviator sunglasses, leather vests, handlebar mustaches, and enormous shirtless men whose relationships to one another are deliberately left unexplained.“It’s not modern sexuality,” Rall said. “This is classic American male bonding. Think 1983. Think gym locker room. Think Navy recruiting poster nobody remembers actually existing.”One new shirt depicts a six-pack-equipped George Washington straddling a bald eagle while gripping a rifle positioned directly between his legs. Another shows Abraham Lincoln, shirtless beneath an open leather vest, standing between two similarly dressed Union cavalrymen beneath the slogan:WE SLEEP SOUNDLY IN OUR BEDS SURROUNDED BY ROUGH MEN.Company officials insist the new direction remains consistent with ValorThreads’ brand identity.“These are still horrible shirts,” Rall said. “We want to be very clear about that.”The designs debuted at a conservative youth conference, where they generated immediate interest.“Oh, yeah, very masculine,” said one attendee while slowly running his fingers across an illustration of two Marines wrestling shirtless beneath an American flag. “Nothing weird about this at all.”He purchased three.ValorThreads said early sales have exceeded expectations, particularly among customers who describe themselves online as “alpha males,” “traditional men” and “definitely straight.”At press time, the company announced its next limited-edition release: two shirtless Green Berets repairing a motorcycle together beneath the slogan “COME AND TAKE IT.”Red Friday wants you to Remember EVERYONE Deployed
Daily Mash
Next successful BBC spin-off to be Celebrity Strictly
FOLLOWING the huge success of The Celebrity Traitors the BBC is planning to produce a spin-off of Strictly Come Dancing with celebrities.
Corporation chiefs believe a version of the Saturday night favourite with famous stars instead of ordinary members of the public could be another massive hit.
A spokesman said: “There’s clearly an appetite among audiences to see people they’ve actually heard of taking part in our flagship shows. Why not Strictly?
“We’ve dipped our toe into it this time around – you’d never realise, but one of the contestants is actually the daughter of a actor – and it’s been reasonably successful. Hasn’t hurt, at any rate. And that got us thinking.
“What if, instead of people you’re entirely unfamiliar with and aren’t the least interested in, we had stars from the worlds of sport and showbusiness? Movie stars, pop singers, former strikers of Premier League clubs, that kind of thing? We could double our viewing figures.
“For the first series we’re hoping to get David Tennant, Little Simz, Rishi Sunak and Sir Andy Murray. And to present? Claudia obviously, and the right offer could even tempt Tess Daly out of retirement.
“However if we can’t get stars of that calibre we won’t bother. We’re not boring Britain with thirteen weeks of utter shit.”
Dad turning the heating on doesn’t know who he even is anymore
THE foundations of a father’s identity have been shaken after he decided to put the heating on before November.
Wayne Hayes, 47, has started to question every aspect of his existence after he apparently voluntarily reached for the central heating controls and made the house a pleasant temperature, even though by any measure it is still only autumn.
Hayes said: “My kids didn’t nag me into submission, and my wife told me to put a jumper on when she saw what I was doing. What the f**k is going on?
“This isn’t who I am. I’m your typical dad who maintains an inhospitable temperature with an iron fist. Or am I? Perhaps I’ve been living a lie all these years and the facade is finally slipping.
“Was I really born in Islington? Do I actually enjoy listening to reggae and cheering on the Gunners, or is that all a sham as well? Maybe I’m actually a 16th century French courtesan lost on the dimensional planes.
“Get your shit together, Wayne. There’s only so long you can search for answers in the bathroom mirror you’ve headbutted before people start getting suspicious.”
Hayes’ son Jack said: “On the one hand dad is a gibbering shell of his former self, but on the other it’s nice and toasty. I prefer him having a terrifying identity crisis.”
I felt violated, says 3,800-year-old priest of the Amenemhat Dynasty
THE Egyptian mummy removed from display at a Glasgow museum has confessed he felt violated by hundreds of eyes crawling over his linen-wrapped body.
Nekht, who was removed from his tomb by archaeologists in 1902 without his permission in a process he describes as ‘deeply traumatising’, has been on display for more than 100 years before anyone thought to ask if it was what he wanted.
He said: “How would you feel? A lifetime of striving to earn the right to mummification and entombment and then you’re yanked out of there by colonialist profiteers?
“Being exhibited to rich Scottish men while they explained how my brain was removed via my nasal cavity for 20 years was humiliating enough. Then they sent me to the museum. Put in a glass case while schoolchildren gawp at my well-preserved limbs.
“They didn’t care I was a priest. They didn’t care I was a major figure in the Opening of the Mouth ceremony, performed so the mummified could eat and drink after death. I was just a body with a prettily painted sarcophagus to them.
“So yes, I’m pleased to be removed from public display. Now if we could reunite my ka and ba so I could enjoy the endless field of golden reeds that is the afterlife? Not sure what’s taking so long with that bit.”
Other objects in Kelvingrove Museum that have requested removal after their explicit consent was not sought include Sir Roger the elephant, a 1445 suit of armour, a bust of Joseph Seymour Halley and a fire extinguisher in a second-floor stairwell.
The girlfriend’s guide to preparing for a national emergency
THE government’s ‘Be Ready’ campaign is advising Britons on how to prepare for threats like extreme weather and cyber-attacks. Here girlfriend Nikki Hollis interprets that advice.
Stockpile scented candles
The last thing you want if food supplies are cut off is to run out of scented candles. And other people will be stockpiling them too so I’ve ordered 200. Can humans even survive without scented candles? I wouldn’t like to try it.
Don’t forget treats
A national emergency is going to be really depressing so you’ll need regular treats: Maltesers, Percy Pigs, Cadbury Flakes. There was plenty of space in our stockpile once I’d thrown out all the toilet paper and toothpaste my boyfriend bought. I even found room for Lindt chocolate truffles by binning all those matches. They’re dangerous anyway.
Buy conditioner
On the ‘Be Ready’ website it says to buy bathroom products, and guess what, I’d already bought 20 bottles of conditioner! Clearly I’m good at emergency planning because my boyfriend just bought some silly retro wind-up radio. Now is not the time for impulse purchases, sweetie.
Get a pet
If we’re stuck indoors for weeks or months because of a virus or radiation, a pet will cheer us up. My boyfriend says unnecessarily adding an extra mouth to feed is the antithesis of emergency planning, but I disagree. A dog will keep our morale up and if society breaks down we can use him to hunt and fight off intruders. I think a cockapoo is ideal for that.
Make a good playlist
When Britain’s infrastructure has been devastated by a cyber-attack, listening to your favourite songs will keep your spirits up. My boyfriend said: ‘Er, Nikki, you’re not planning to listen to that on Spotify on your phone which needs to be charged, are you?’ But then he’s never appreciated Taylor Swift.
Prioritise healthy food options
I understand we need to stock up on food, but what did my idiot boyfriend buy? Loads of instant noodles and baked beans! That’s just pure carbohydrate! Luckily some of us are a bit more health-conscious, so I replaced it all with lettuce, low-calorie ready meals and some apples. A nuclear war is going to be bad enough without fat thighs.
Have birthday cards
I just know that the moment society starts to collapse I’ll need to send a birthday card. Obviously I don’t know whose birthday it will be, so I bought loads of different ones to avoid giving my dad one with unicorns on. Unfortunately we were running out of space in the stockpile by then, so I threw out all the condoms my boyfriend had bought. I’m sure he’ll understand.
Five sex positions that will help you find your missing earbud
WANT to keep your sex life exciting, but also find those earbuds you keep losing? Try these erotic positions and buying pricey replacements will be a thing of the past.
Reverse cowgirl
Start with this, because it allows you to do a thorough visual sweep of the room, and we all know how far those little earbud bastards can travel after falling out in bed. The woman should straddle the man while facing away from him with her eyes peeled, and finally spotting that bloody AirPod behind a radiator pipe is likely to lead to an orgasm on its own.
Seated wheelbarrow
A version of traditional doggy-style with enormous earbud-locating potential. The woman should place her hands on the floor and have a good look under the bed while she is entered from behind. Her pleasure will be intensified by retrieving a dusty Panasonic earbud, and the bonus of finding a half-eaten bag of crisps will make up for any shortcomings in her partner’s performance.
69
Don’t worry if previous attempts have been marred by his ineptitude at cunnilingus, it’s easier to find an earbud than a clitoris. Different top-to-tail 69 positions means he or she can be instructed to have a good look round the foot of the bed while they’re down there, and the sheer faff of clambering around should dislodge any audio devices hidden in the bedding. An orgasm will be the icing on the cake of not having to listen to your podcast in mono later.
The flatiron
Once you’ve worked out that this annoying Americanism means the prone position, the woman lying face down means she can sensually check the headboard area. Admittedly not that popular with couples, probably because it’s the first place you looked and the missing earbud probably bounced somewhere.
The waterfall
An unusual position that will liven up any sex life, where the man hangs off the end of the bed with his shoulders on the floor and the woman sits on top, meaning he can have a good look under bedroom furniture to his left and right. It’s unclear what the actual sexual purpose of the waterfall is, but proponents say climaxing while finding an extremely expensive Bose earphone is the ultimate sexual experience.
The Poke
A Mega Maga presented Donald Trump with the Man of the Century award, and the entire internet cringed itself inside out – 15 glorious takedowns
At long last, Donald Trump can put his desperate desire to win the Nobel Peace Prize behind him, because he’s been given something far better – the Joe Mitchell Man of the Century Award. Here’s the moment Dozy Don receives the honour of a lunchtime. Joe Mitchell gives Trump "the man of the century" award […]
The Poke.
Storm Austen sent this old storm footage viral and it will surely never be bettered
Batten down the hatches people because Storm Austen is here. The extra weather has already seen gusts of 84mph recorded and more than 18,000 homes in England and Wales are without power. Plus part of Brighton’s West Pier has collapsed (there wasn’t much left to speak of already). We mention all this not because we […]
The Poke.
An American asked what Brits call ‘pins and needles’ and these homegrown answers will make you proud to be British
To Twitter – no, stick with us, please – where New Englander @laynemorgan had a question for us lot on the other side of the Atlantic. They were wondering if had a different name for what Americans call ‘pins and needles’ and offered up a suggestion of their own. what do British people call pins […]
The Poke.
A mansplainer tried to correct Maya Jama’s round table tactics on Celebrity Traitors and her A++ comeback had everyone cheering
We hope you’ve been enjoying the new series as much as we have (you can find our latest round-up of tweets about Thursday’s episode over here). It’s been notable for the excellent gameplay of Maya Jama, a traitor from the start who has so far evaded all suspicion, so she must be doing something right. […]
The Poke.
Our 25 Favourite Funny Tweets of the Week
At the end of the week in which a US envoy called Putin a humanitarian, Trump declared wind turbines a threat to national security, and West Streeting told Brits to stock up on emergency supplies in case of disasters, it seems like a good idea to look away from the news for a while. If […]
The Poke.
