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Heated Rivalry, a new Canadian romance series, has exploded in popularity since it premiered on HBO Max last week. Here is everything you need to know about the show.

Q: What is the plot?

A: Two men have a steamy sexual affair despite not being vampires or elf nobility or anything.

Q: Where does it take place?

A: An alternate universe where hockey players meticulously wax their body hair.

Q: Are the actors actually playing hockey?

A: Yes. It’s illegal in Canada to impersonate a hockey player.

Q: Who is the target audience?

A: The horniest woman in Saskatchewan.

Q: Is there a lot of sex?

A: All of the sex is implied off-screen through shots of popping Champagne bottles and trains entering tunnels.

Q: Is the show better than the book?

A: Yes, it has far fewer words to read.

The post What To Know About ‘Heated Rivalry’ appeared first on The Onion.

INDIANAPOLIS—Suggesting there were some deals even cancer researchers couldn’t say no to, a new study published Thursday by the American Society of Preventative Oncology found that processed meats were carcinogenic but were also on sale. “Our evidence indicates that while common deli items like salami, bacon, and corned beef have strong links to cancer, they were simply being offered at prices too good to pass up,” said study co-author Dr. James Underwood, who added that avoiding products that contain nitrites and other chemical preservatives decreased the risk of developing gastrointestinal cancer, but with bargains like this, “you’d be an idiot” not to stock up on them. “Over the course of our analysis, we found that eating just one hot dog a day markedly increased rates of stomach, esophageal, and colorectal cancer, but an eight-pack of all-beef franks for $3.99? Come on. At that price, they’re basically giving them away. And after all, meat is meat.” The new study follows research published last month that showed a significant link between buying organic produce, overall gut health, and going fucking broke.

The post Study Finds Processed Meats Carcinogenic But They Were On Sale appeared first on The Onion.

COLUMBIA, MO—In a display of enthusiasm that revealed a deep familiarity with the subject, local man Luke Price was said to be totally nerding out Thursday about the idea of white supremacy.

According to sources, the 26-year-old sales associate and self-described Übermensch rattled off a dozen esoteric theories of racial hierarchy and eagerly asserted the biological superiority of white people, admitting he was “a bit of a geek” when it came to the topic of purging Caucasian blood of its impurities. In an exchange that began as a casual conversation about dogs, Price reportedly went on a tangent about falling white birth rates for 15 minutes straight. 

“It’s amazing to see how passionate Luke becomes when the topic of white power comes up—he gets completely absorbed,” said girlfriend Sarah Hovey, 20, who explained that while she considered herself more of a casual racist, she didn’t mind Price’s frequent monologues about IQ scores and genetics, or his lengthy quotations from Arthur de Gobineau’s mid-19th-century Essay On The Inequality Of The Human Races. “If someone mentions immigration, for instance, his whole face lights up as he starts in about shifting demographics, great replacement theory, and how this country rightfully belongs to whites.”

Hovey told reporters there was “something kind of adorable” about how excited her boyfriend becomes when he recaps the latest white supremacist diatribe from a Stew Peters podcast or Nick Fuentes live stream. She acknowledged her mind often wanders when Price goes into nerdy detail about scientific racism—rambling on about brow ridges and skull measurements, or the difference between Australoids and Mongoloids—but said she’s just glad he has something that makes him happy. 

“Everyone has their thing,” Hovey said. “Luke has white supremacy. I like to watch Friends.”

Price spoke at length about how, as a teenager, the internet allowed him to connect with a community of people who shared his intense conviction that inferior people were diluting the blood of the country. Though his parents anticipated he would grow out of his youthful obsession, he said his love of all things Aryan has only deepened with age. He chuckled when confessing he sometimes goes on eBay and spends “way too much” on pricey collectibles like authentic Nazi paraphernalia or a rare first edition of The Turner Diaries.

“In high school, I was really into the Proud Boys, Bronze Age Pervert, and that whole alt-right scene that was coming out back then,” said Price, describing himself as the kid who wore a Pepe the Frog T-shirt to class and scribbled the “14 words” on the front of all his notebooks. “But pretty soon I got into edgier stuff, like Mike Enoch’s blog, and older stuff, too—influential guys like Madison Grant, who was writing a century ago about racial hygiene and the superior Nordic stock of America’s founders.”

“Yep, I’m a big ol’ dork when it comes to the idea of establishing a white ethnostate,” he continued, throwing up his hands in a gesture of mock helplessness. “What can I say?”

While he reportedly has very few friends in the town where he lives, Price said his Discord server is home to dozens of likeminded individuals of pure European heritage whom he chats with “basically 24/7.” In typical nerd fashion, he added, they sometimes attend in-person meet-ups where they dress up in vintage David Duke–era Ku Klux Klan robes. Price showed off a photo from a white nationalist con he attended, Fuentes’ America First Political Action Conference, where he got his photo taken with “real-life superhero” Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene.

Price confirmed his passion for preserving the white race has alienated him from people with more mainstream hobbies, remarking that no matter how popular white supremacy becomes, there will always be those who look down on him just because he’s part of the fandom. 

“Some people think it’s lame,” he said. “They’d probably call me a weirdo or a loser for devoting so much of my time to this. I don’t let it get me down, though. It’s 2025, for God’s sake! We’re cool now! There are even people like me in the White House.”

“The haters out there are probably just insecure,” he added. “Or secret Jews.”

The post Man Totally Nerding Out About Superiority Of White Race appeared first on The Onion.

CALEXICO, CA — Venezuelan drug mule-turned-drug lord Gilberto Juarez turned himself in to U.S. federal law enforcement on Thursday so that President Donald Trump would pardon him instead of blowing him up.

WOODBRIDGE, VA — Local man Brian Cole Jr. reportedly had his invitation to the annual FBI Christmas Party rescinded after being arrested under suspicion that he was the January 6 Pipe Bomber.

GEORGETOWN, DE — According to sources, local husband and father Randy Austin issued a house-wide travel ban on any vehicles coming from Amazon in a sweeping executive directive his wife found off-putting.

MILWAUKEE, WI — In one of the greatest deceptions known to mankind, a child who spent her entire nap looking like a perfect little angel while asleep transformed into a demonic hellion immediately upon waking up.

MINNEAPOLIS, MN — Amid national outrage over Somali immigrants in Minneapolis raping people all the time, Minnesota Governor Tim Walz held a press conference to assure concerned citizens that not all Somali rapists are bad people.

While you’re probably familiar with Spotify’s popular “Wrapped” feature, which allows users to share their most-listened-to artists of the year, you may not be aware that this year the folks at the popular streaming app added a cool little bonus: This year’s Spotify Wrapped also includes all of the birds you hit with your car. 

Rock on! What an awesome way to make Wrapped even more fun. 

For the first time, Wrapped now not only uses your streaming data to generate shareable charts of all of your favorite artists and tracks as well as fun little stats such as your “listening age,” but also uses data gleaned from your vehicle’s parking cameras, traffic surveillance footage, and insurance claims to whip up a neat little roundup of every single bird you nailed while driving in 2025. It even ranks them in order of which species you smacked the most and includes interesting factoids such as the song you were listening to when it happened, your speed, and whether or not the bird was an endangered species. 

This is just fun! Bet you didn’t realize when you creamed that hawk with your SUV that it would be showing up on your Wrapped! 

You’ve gotta love it when tech companies pack these little Easter eggs into their products. And actually, in a way, knowing all of the birds that your friends and family obliterated with their cars is even more interesting than knowing what music they listened to. More of this, please!

We all know how it feels to have high hopes that we’re about to pull off something big and then be crushed when things don’t end up turning out. Here’s an example of one such disappointment that will hit you right in the gut: This man cut open his grandfather’s scrotum hoping to find treasure, but all he found was testicles. 

Oof. Talk about a letdown. 

When 21-year-old smoke shop clerk Justin Wilson dreams, he dreams big. After noticing one day that his grandfather’s scrotum appeared to be filled with something, Justin couldn’t stop imagining that his gramps’ hefty satchel was loaded with valuable gold coins, pearls, or even a Fabergé egg. He’d lie awake at night imagining snipping into his granddad’s leathery sack with scissors, holding a bucket beneath the incision, and watching diamonds and wads of cash spill out and fill it to the brim. But sadly, it didn’t quite end up working out like that. 

Upon making a careful cut in the bottom of his grandpa’s scrotum with a scalpel, Justin was disappointed to find that the first thing to pour out wasn’t rubies and sapphires as he’d imagined, but blood. Shaking the split open nutsack around didn’t improve things for Justin treasure-wise, either. All he was able to shake loose was a plump pair of 83-year-old testicles and not a single fleck of gold dust or even a quarter. Justin continued to explore the inside of his grandpa’s scrotum in stubborn disbelief until he finally was able to accept that the treasure he was so certain was going to be inside was nowhere to be found. 

Brutal. This is one heart-crushing experience that Justin won’t be recovering from anytime soon. 

People have a right to dream about finding priceless treasure inside their grandpas’ scrotums, but it’s important to temper those hopes with the reality that all they might find is a big ol’ set of nuts. Let’s pray that Justin can recover from this and gets back on the treasure hunting horse soon!

If you’ve watched a Kansas City Chiefs game over the past two years, you’ve seen Taylor Swift supporting Travis Kelce live at the game. But for every time an NFL broadcast has cut to Swift cheering for her fiance, they’ve also shown the pop star in much darker moments. Here are five times an NFL game has cut to Taylor Swift having a terrible salvia trip at a Chief’s game.

1. September 24th, 2023: Kansas City Chiefs vs. Chicago Bears

Yup, at the very first Chiefs game Taylor Swift attended after she and Travis Kelce began dating, the NFL broadcast camera cut to Taylor’s box seat immediately after her new boyfriend scored a touchdown, capturing her exhaling bong smoke and sinking into her chair as fireworks shot off around Arrowhead Stadium to celebrate the Chiefs scoring. Throughout the duration of the shot, Taylor’s eyes were wide open and tinged with anxiety, staring into space as everyone around her in the VIP suite applauded and high-fived. The camera cut back to the field after about eight seconds of Taylor swaying in her seat with her jaw hanging slack in a catatonic stupor, just as she lowered herself to the box seat floor and curled up in the fetal position. The broadcast cut back to Swift again the next quarter when the salvia’s effects had worn off, and she was right back on her feet, smiling, clapping, and blowing kisses to her boyfriend down on the sidelines.

2. December 25th, 2023: Kansas City Chiefs vs. Las Vegas Raiders

Taylor was once again spotted having a bad salvia trip later that same season at the Chiefs’ Christmas day game. Sporting a cute Santa hat, a pipe, and a psychedelic Alex Grey-themed torch lighter, Taylor was frequently caught on camera reacting to the Chiefs’ ugly loss to their division rivals. At one point, as the Raiders were kneeling out the game’s final two minutes to secure their victory, the broadcast showed Taylor holding herself up on a high-top table, pointing at Brittany Mahomes with a half-limp arm and muttering what lip readers online later decoded as, “W-w-where are you? Where? W-who is now?” Swift’s parents, also in attendance, tried to guide their disassociating daughter to a seat as the pop star began waving at an empty corner of the room, mumbling, “He’s here. Where I am. He’s…he’s now. He’s right now, where I am…” An hour after the Chiefs’ stunning loss, NFL cameras showed Swift smiling and waving to fans as she and Travis left Arrowhead hand-in-hand and headed home to host a Christmas dinner for their families. 

3. February 9th, 2025, Super Bowl LIX: Kansas City Chiefs vs. Philadelphia Eagles

Taylor must have been put off by the overwhelming paranoia, dread, and hallucinations she experienced on salvia at previous Chiefs games, because it was over a year before cameras showed her having another bad salvia trip live on an NFL broadcast. Unfortunately, this time she couldn’t have picked a worse game to dabble in salvia at, as her boyfriend’s team found themselves blown out in front of the entire world. Late in the third quarter, when the Chiefs were down 0-34, Taylor and the Haim sisters were shown sipping from a large plastic water bottle in which a teabag of salvia was soaking, and it was all downhill there. NFL cameras checked back on Taylor’s VIP suite minutes later, after the salvia had kicked in, and the four women were completely detached from reality: Taylor paced the box seat, holding her face and mumbling to no one in particular, “What did I do? Did he do it? Is he now? Is he now, like me?” while all three Haim sisters laid supine on the floor, having intermittent bouts of nervous laughter and hysterical weeping. Thankfully, it did not take the pop stars long to recover: Paparazzi photos from the day after showed Taylor and the Haims toasting mimosas at one of New Orleans’ premiere brunch restaurants. 

If you still needed your daily dose of cuteness, you’re in luck, because a story about an absolutely adorable child is currently making the rounds online and it’s guaranteed to melt your heart: This 10-year-old still believes that Santa Claus is an asexual being!

This is so sweet! It’s completely adorable when little kids manage to hold on to that little bit of childhood innocence and continue to believe in magic and fairy tales like this!

Gordon Sykes is a fifth grader from Springfield, Massachusetts who loves soccer and is still under the adorable impression that Santa Claus is a completely sexless figure instead of the 24/7 fuck machine he is. While all adults know that Santa is getting laid basically all day every day with short breaks for Christmas-related planning and coordination, Gordon still lives in the fantasy world where Santa is a celibate man who cares more about delivering toys to children than satisfying his overpowering carnal desires.

When Gordon sees his gifts on Christmas morning, he’ll usually say something like, “Santa must have been up all night making these presents,” forcing all the older people in the room to bite their tongues to avoid giving away the fact that Santa probably spent most of the previous night trying out new sex positions with Mrs. Claus and their live-in boyfriend Pierre.

“I know 10 is a little old for Gordon to still believe that Santa is not fully governed by his insatiable desire for new and exotic sexual experiences, but I want him to be able to hold onto this fairy tale for as long as he can,” says Gordon’s mother, Claire. “For now, we’re doing everything we can to let him maintain that childish belief that Santa is not at all interested in sex. Last year on Christmas Eve, when Gordon heard Santa fucking Mrs. Claus on the roof, we said the noises were just Santa killing Blitzen because Blitzen had broken his leg and couldn’t help Santa deliver toys anymore. He seemed to buy it, but eventually we’re going to have to tell him about Santa’s unquenchable libido.”

If this isn’t the sweetest story you’ve read all year, you officially have no soul! While it’s only a matter of time before Gordon figures out that Santa is a sexual maniac who loves to fuck in most of the positions, for the time being it’s pretty much the cutest thing in the world that he’s still holding on to this little piece of childhood. If more people had the same innocent sense of wonder as Gordon, the world would be a better place!

Get ready for a seriously heartwarming story about a kid planning to show her mom just how much she means to her: This fourth grader is having a bake sale to raise money to get her mom an upper bleph.

Aww! This is seriously so sweet!

When 10-year-old Sarah Watkins noticed that her 52-year-old mom’s upper eyelids were sagging, she wasn’t sure what to do: her mom didn’t just look bad, she looked her age. Fortunately, after learning that the hideous excess skin drooping toward her mom’s eyes is reversible with an upper blepharoplasty procedure—upper bleph for short—Sarah immediately got to work baking the cookies, brownies, and cupcakes to raise the $6,000 her mom will need for the elective surgery.

The best part is that Sarah has yet to even tell her mom about the surprise. As far as her mom knows, Sarah will be raising money for the local food pantry, so you can imagine how delighted Sarah’s mom will be when she hears that her daughter will be paying for the removal of all her ugly redundant eyelid skin.

Hooray!!

According to Sarah, as soon as her mom recovers from the upper bleph, she’s going to start babysitting her younger cousin so she can raise enough money for her mom’s lower bleph, too. After all, what good is the upper bleph if the undereye bags are still there? 

Though Sarah’s mom sadly has way too much skin around her eyes, she clearly did a great job raising such a kindhearted, generous, and hardworking daughter. You go, Sarah!

NORFOLK, Va. — A former third-class petty officer whose primary qualification was being aggressively unhelpful capped off a 31-year Navy career by somehow failing upward into the rank of captain in the supply corps.

Universally described as a full-spectrum douche by everyone who served with him, Darrell Mathews consistently avoided accountability for infractions that would’ve ended most careers. Meanwhile, far more capable officers with real-world leadership and tactical skill were relieved for far less.

Colleagues described Mathews as a human bullhorn whose career was a consistent skid mark across naval bureaucracy. His bullying tactics and chronic shaming of subordinates became legendary, whispered about in wardrooms worldwide.

"He was like a magic 8-ball with a drinking problem," said Doug Wilson, who served with Mathews. "Loud, usually wrong, and always predicting a vague, unhelpful future."

Perhaps even more puzzling was Mathews' acceptance and graduation from prestigious institutions including the U.S. Naval War College. Former classmates expressed bewilderment at how someone with his reputation managed to navigate these elite academic environments.

"We all knew Darrell was the village jackass, but somehow he kept failing upward," said Donald McKenzie, a War College classmate. "It was like watching someone trip over the same rock for two years and call it a strategic maneuver."

Despite reaching captain, his dereliction as a naval officer command apparently had limits. Mathews was consistently passed over for promotion to admiral. According to sources close to selection boards confirming that senior leadership deeply hated the guy, despite their inexplicable tolerance for his prior antics.

The final straw reportedly came during a flag officer briefing, when Mathews interrupted a vice admiral to explain why ‘the real enemy is poor branding,’ prompting the room to go silent before someone finally told him to shut the fuck up. His packet was later found in a shred bin with 'ABSOLUTELY NOT' scrawled across it in Sharpie."

Retired Rear Adm. Matt O’Sullivan, known for blunt assessments, said Mathews' "entire career could have been replaced by a pamphlet. A really thin, unhelpful pamphlet."

The pervasive feeling among leadership was that Mathews' presence alone was toxic enough to warrant calling poison control.

"That man is so toxic, his DoD number should just be the 1-800 poison control hotline,” said one former subordinate, Cmdr. Mike Thompson. The sentiment resonated with anyone within earshot of his booming obnoxious voice.

THE PENTAGON — Following newly established legal precedent, the Pentagon announced today it is recalling Secretary of Defense (and also War) Pete Hegseth to active duty to face charges of violating nearly the entire Uniform Code of Military Justice.

“Secretary Hegseth has made accountability his watchword,” said General Counsel Earl Matthews. “And as he frequently reminds us in staff meetings, he is not above the law. So, based on overwhelming evidence that he has flouted the UCMJ in virtually every waking moment since he hit puberty, we are reinstating his prior rank of tabless bitch Major so he can be appropriately court-martialed.”

The decision followed a legal precedent set last week when the Department publicly condemned Sen. Mark Kelly (D-Ariz.), a retired Navy captain, for the radical act of suggesting that service members should not follow illegal orders.

“Look, it’s not my place to say that the secretary’s belief that ‘orders are presumed to be lawful’ didn’t exactly fly at Nuremberg,” said Matthews. “But if we're applying the UCMJ retroactively to veterans, it only makes sense to start with the guy live-tweeting war crimes.”

Deputy General Counsel Charles Young confirmed that Hegseth’s service — from active duty to IRR to National Guard from 2003 to 2024 — was now fully open for legal review under the newly established Twitter Doctrine.

“And we’re starting time now,” promised Young. “Technically we started about five seconds after the Department announced an investigation of Senator Kelly on Twitter — social media being, as everyone knows, where all ironclad legal proceedings begin."

"The instant Hegseth tagged Kelly as one of the Seditious Six, I was like ‘sure, let’s start with wrongful interference with an adverse administrative proceeding' (Article 131g). Maybe you’ve never imposed unlawful command influence via tweet, but then, you’re no Pete Hegseth.”

Young rattled off a sampling of charges, noting they barely scratched the surface:

“Those flight hours wasted cosplaying with Top Gun and Special Operations Forces, his bloated security details, giving his cabinet buddies military housing — all slam dunk cases of wrongful disposition of military property (Article 108). Texting war plans to his wife and a journalist over compromised channels? That’s an easy failure to obey a regulation (Article 92), misbehavior before the enemy (Article 99), aiding the enemy (Article 103b), endangerment (Article 114), and offenses concerning government computers (Article 123).

WASHINGTON — Secretary of Defense and also War Pete Hegseth released a memo urging female service members to assume every order from a male superior is "absolutely, unquestionably" lawful, sources confirmed today.

The memo, titled "Trust, Obey, NDA" and addressed to all "deployment 8’s and above," clarified that female troops do not have a right to question orders from male authority figures. 

“It is your sacred duty to follow orders, even when they involve hotel room keycards, burner phones, or suspiciously specific swimsuit contests,” the memo read. “You are a warfighter, not a question-asker.”

WASHINGTON — The Pentagon has confirmed what many service members have long feared: “You and your entire generation” indeed missed out on the best time to have served in the military, according to a massive 50-year longitudinal study conducted by retired E-7s with clipboards.

According to the study, which sampled thousands of veterans, respondents gave several reasons why they had served at the best time and everything after they separated was inferior.

“I served in the real Corps,” said Marine veteran Jude O’Farran, who served in the Marine Corps from 2014 to 2019. “Back in my day, we were fighters and brothers. This DEI nonsense would have never flown in my Marine Corps! We solved diversity the right way — by hazing everyone equally.”

“We also pulled out of the ‘Stan- like, how can you be a warrior without a war? That’s like being a glazier with no donuts or whatever,” O’Farran explained, while subtly showing off his right arm’s full sleeve tattoo of a Marine private in dress blues kissing the Statue of Liberty (wearing pasties and a g-string) next to a rendering of a freshly-slain Osama Bin Laden. The sleeve also shows a tiger with diamond eyes, for some reason.

“We had ‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell’ back then which meant I always had a back up plan if someone pissed me off,” said former Navy sailor Jordan Cheng (1993 to 2013) before quickly clarifying, “No, I was definitely not going to tell on someone else but you better believe I had that threat in my back pocket, just in case. I knew all the Friends of Dorothy!”

Cheng and her wife, also a veteran, now live on a small ranch in Oregon and raise golden retrievers.

WASHINGTON — In a stunning display of bureaucratic agility, the Department of Defense announced today that it would immediately begin recouping millions of dollars in pay and benefits from thousands of National Guard troops, following a federal court ruling that their month-long deployment to the nation’s capital was "unlawful."

The ruling, handed down by U.S. District Judge Jia Cobb on Thursday, found that the deployment of over 2,000 troops to Washington, D.C. in August 2025 exceeded statutory authority. While legal scholars debate the constitutional implications of the decision, officials at the Defense Finance and Accounting Service (DFAS) have reached a much simpler conclusion: If the mission was illegal, the timesheets are fake.

"It’s a matter of simple arithmetic," DFAS spokesperson Janet 'The Claw' Harkin said while sharpening a red pencil. "Federal law states that soldiers are paid for 'lawful military service.' Judge Cobb ruled this service was unlawful. Therefore, these soldiers were not, legally speaking, 'serving.' They were essentially just 2,000 heavily-armed tourists engaging in unauthorized cosplay on the National Mall. And the government doesn't pay for vacations."

The recoupment effort, dubbed "Operation Indian Giver," aims to claw back base pay, housing allowances, and the $3.50 per day incidental rate paid to troops who have spent the last three months patrolling D.C. streets, taking selfies, and engaging in what court documents described as "beautification activities."

According to a memo leaked to Duffel Blog, the Pentagon has reclassified the operation from "Civil Disturbance Mission" to "Large Group Loitering Event (Armed)." As a result, all issued paychecks have been retroactively designated as "interest-free loans," which are now due immediately along with a 15% "convenience fee" for the inconvenience of having to ask for them back.

"I don't understand," said Spc. Tanner Higgins, a member of the Ohio National Guard currently stationed outside a Potbelly Sandwich Shop near the White House. "I've been sleeping on a cot in a parking garage since August. I missed my daughter's birthday. I bought a 2026 Dodge Charger with a 29% APR based on this income. Now they’re telling me I was actually just 'volunteering'?"

"Technically, you weren't volunteering," corrected Maj. Gen. William Walker (Ret.), a consultant brought in to explain the legal nuances to angry E-4s. "Volunteers are authorized. You were participants in an 'illegitimate executive adventure.' Think of it less like a deployment and more like you were an accomplice to a very long, very boring crime. We should honestly be charging you for the MREs."

The situation is particularly dire for troops who were deployed from out of state. Judge Cobb’s ruling noted that the use of non-D.C. Guard units violated the Home Rule Act because the Mayor never requested them. DFAS has seized on this detail to deny all travel reimbursements.

"Since the Mayor didn't ask for you, and the President legally couldn't ask for you, you essentially drove a Humvee from Kentucky to D.C. for personal reasons," Harkin explained. "We are deducting the cost of fuel, wear and tear on the vehicle, and the EZ-Pass tolls you skipped. Also, you’re all being charged for unauthorized use of government property (the uniform)."

SUCCESS is often guaranteed for privileged people. But sadly for listeners these poshos chose music instead of the more traditional career path of high finance.

Bastille

Private schoolboys in music have always cosplayed as the poor, like this tongue-in-cheek bunch named after a very famous ‘down with the rich’ event. Could their use of the delta symbol in their branding suggest a side-hustle in asset management? Probably. Luckily for Bastille if the revolution comes, so-so indie rockers probably won’t be the top priority for la guillotine.

Mumford & Sons

It’s almost cruel naming your band of poshos exactly like a wealth management firm, but nowhere near as cruel as flooding the charts with songs that are basically The Hokey Cokey for adults. Very posh guitarist Winston Marshall had to leave the band after tweeting bullshit far-right theories, which rarely works out for posh people. Ask Laurence Fox and the Mitfords.

Florence + the Machine

With advertising and academia in her blood, Florence could have broken the mould with, say, a credible punk band. Instead she chose a theatre kid project where she wore no shoes and Gucci dresses. Her privileged family could provide various back-up careers in the unlikely event of music not working out, not least a grandfather who was a coal magnate. A heartfelt plea for more open cast mining would be a change from earnest green tedium at Glastonbury.

Mark Ronson

Mark was destined to follow in the footsteps of his stinking rich family, one of the wealthiest in Britain, somehow. He could afford to make any old garbage before getting signed, and had the handy industry connection of his stepdad being the founder of rock behemoth Foreigner. Everything fell into place after Mark peddled Bruno Mars-featuring slop as a sellout move he probably never needed to make, but it’s wise not to take risks with your money.

Newton Faulkner

Besides Newton, another of Sam’s names is Battenberg, the German aristo family who became the Mountbattens, which is a CV addition any CEO would love. Ginger dreadlocks may not have worked in his favour in the corporate environment, but it didn’t matter because record companies saw the financial potential of Newton’s bland busker drivel. Sadly the public were less keen and he’s largely forgotten now, although unlikely to be skint. 

Lily Allen

Lily inherited more than just money from her dad, such as the ability to put on a common accent to cover for a boarding school past. Her music career did encounter something of a recession, but she successfully diversified into posting feet pictures and monetising talking to her famous friends. Were the references to a New York apartment doubling as a sex dungeon on her album a dig at at dreadful ex-husband David Harbour, or a secret desire to become Christian Grey?

TIMOTHÉE Chalamet is too wonderful to be a mere actor so is rumoured to be Liverpudlian rapper EsDeeKid. But who else is secretly this boyish genius?

Banksy

A talent like Chalamet’s cannot be restrained to a single field. So as well as single-handedly rehabilitating a Kardashian, he offers trenchant political commentary in graffiti form as Banksy. The evidence? Banksy has created works in many major cities, and Timothée has probably been to all of them. Also he is so witty, clever and handsome.

EsDeeKid

An underground drill rapper with a strong Scouse accent who lives in a council house? French-American millionaire actor of privileged origins Chalamet has barely even bothered to disguise his identity here, so it’s perfectly natural fans have guessed it, and in no way a sign of fatal internet poisoning. He hides his beauty behind a balaclava like a shy faun.

DB Cooper

The man who hijacked a plane, demanded a ransom, parachuted out of it with the money and was never found was described as ‘charming’ by air crew. Who else could it be? Who else could play a part so completely that he disappears into it so the FBI couldn’t trace him? Who else could be so cunning? Oh, Timothée, is there anything you can’t do?

Elena Ferrante

Chalamet understands women. It’s why they adore him so, and nothing to do with his elfin good looks or aura of vulnerability. He understands women so well he wrote the Neopolitan Novels, a quartet about female lives and friendships, under a pseudonym. And in fluent Italian because he is so cosmopolitan and sophisticated, yet still winningly naive.

Kaspar Hauser

A German boy of mysterious origin, rumoured to be a scion of a Duke, so sensitive he could feel magnetic fields, of strange but compelling appearance? Tell me it’s Timothée Chalamet without telling me it’s Timothée Chalamet, right? Died tragically, just as Chalamet does in the fantasies of teenage girls just after he swears undying love.

The Zodiac Killer

The enigma of serial murder, varying his methods, wearing elaborate costumes, communicating obliquely; anyone who has followed Chalamet’s career will recognise the pattern. It’s what makes him the greatest actor of his generation. Yes, so far there are no reports of on-set killings but he’s not going for an Oscar yet. When he does? Watch out.

YOU’RE glad Kelly Brook is back on telly, but you can’t help thinking that meeting her would be awkward given your sordid history of wanking over her in the 90s. Much like these celebs.

Liz Hurley

As a posh girl with big tits who’s done many wank-friendly lingerie/swimwear shoots, Liz is bound to have featured in your fantasies at some point. If you meet her, stick to smalltalk. She doesn’t want to hear about an acne-ridden teenage you furtively wanking over a picture of her in your parents’ Daily Telegraph. It’s hideous enough as a memory.

Kelly Brook

Whatever circumstances you meet Kelly in, it will be impossible not to think of all the self-abuse encouraged by 90s lads’ mags, an era now as lost in time as the achievements of Ozymandias. Luckily Kelly is a simple soul who’s always been matter-of-fact about her career, so if you blurted out ‘My January 2000 copy of Loaded was absolutely rigid with jizz!’ she’d probably just say, ‘Aw, that’s nice!’

Ryan Gosling 

Ryan Gosling can hardly be unaware of his popularity as female wank fodder, but it would still be weird meeting him in the flesh. Of course, you could just unburden yourself and admit you’ve fantasised over him repeatedly. If he didn’t want a lengthy conversation detailing all the sex acts you’ve imagined him performing he shouldn’t have popped into a newsagents for a bottle of water. 

Jan Francis 

A chance meeting with the Just Good Friends cutie could be awkward due to the male habit of fancying unlikely female sitcom actors. You could make a case that wanking over Ms Francis was actually perfectly normal and healthy, but it’s probably best not to. The same applies to Penelope Wilton, Belinda Lang and Sylvia out of Hi-de-Hi!.

Mel Gibson 

In the 80s Mel was extremely good-looking and people had not yet realised that mullets were shit, Gen Z take note, so it was perfectly understandable that a lady might wish to butter her muffin to thoughts of him. Sadly meeting him now would be an unappealing mix of embarrassing wanking memories and abject terror that he’s going to explain how the Jews have stopped it snowing at Christmas with weather lasers.

Megan Fox

Okay, Megan seems pretty comfortable with her sex symbol status, but wanking is fundamentally pathetic, whatever sex ed lessons may claim. You’re not sure what’s more embarrassing, your seamy nocturnal tugging over Ms Fox or the fact that you’ve somehow seen every f**king Transformers movie.

Louise Jameson 

The producers of Doctor Who deliberately introduced Louise and her leather leotard to snare male viewers, so it’s the BBC’s fault you committed numerous acts of Leela-related onanism. Whether you want to discuss that with a nice 74-year-old woman is another matter. Probably just grill her on minor plot holes in The Robots of Death instead. Thanks to Doctor Who’s large fanbase of lore-obsessed sexual inadequates she’ll be used to that.

A GROUP of social media influencers are disappointed that their trip to a Christmas ‘experience’ is not hilariously awful enough to generate viral content.

After discovering the Avon Valley Santa Experience was in fact ‘magical’ and ‘enchanting’ as advertised, the influencers realised it was too good to drive significant online engagement.

Minor online celebrity Jack Browne said: “The staff were lovely, Father Christmas was as authentic as they come, and there were real reindeer too. It couldn’t have gone worse for us.

“Nobody will give a shit about a well-run family day out. Audiences have clearly expressed their ravenous appetite for shambolic fiascos like the Glasgow Willy Wonka experience, and this has utterly failed to satisfy that hunger.”

Fellow influencer Lauren Hewitt added: “I tried to rile up one of the elves so I could at least get an amusing GIF out of the day, but no. They simply gave me a charming wooden toy train that just reminded me of how shallow and pointless my job is.

“What am I supposed to do with that? Create a video titled ‘Lovely elf DESTROYS self-absorbed prick’s day out?’ It may get an ironic smile from parents, but kids aren’t going to watch that over Mr Beast.”

Event organiser Wayne Hayes said: “I can only apologise to Jack and Lauren. We’re taking steps to ensure next year’s Santa Experience is godawful so they can profit from weeping, disappointing children.”

Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the water – or on YouTube – up pops Lettuce Liz with her ‘I was hobbled by the deep state’ schtick …only this time in vlog form. Liz Truss, to give her the name under which she was Prime minister for 49 days, has […]

The post We regret to inform you that Liz Truss has launched her own YouTube show, and it’s every bit as conspiracy-coded as you’d expect – 21 brutally accurate takedowns appeared first on The Poke.

Back in September 2022, Henrik Ahonen tried his luck – and general knowledge – on the Finnish version of Who Wants to be a Millionaire? (Haluatko miljonääriksi, in case you were wondering.) After winning the fastest finger first round, he got a €100 question straight out of the Carry On playbook. Carry On Quizzing? Finland’s […]

The post This Finnish Who Wants To Be A Millionaire question is still the funniest of all time – and slightly NSFW appeared first on The Poke.

This time six years ago we were blissfully unaware of the existence of Covid and were preparing for Christmas 2019 with absolute no inkling of the world-changing things that were going to happen to us all in 2020. The pandemic is starting to feel like a long time ago now, but there are many ways […]

The post ‘What habits did you pick up in lockdown that you can’t shift?’ – 21 ways people changed forever during the pandemic appeared first on The Poke.

The world is filled with millions of helpful little innovations that make life easier. However it’s also teeming with in-built quirks that get people cursing to themselves under their breath on a daily basis. If the latter sounds familiar to you, you’re not alone. Reddit user nami_yuna recently found out that lots of people have […]

The post People have been sharing the tiny flaws in everyday objects that drive them nuts – 19 infuriating design fails appeared first on The Poke.

In the best case scenario, once Donald Trump starts talking, you can just tune out his harmless ramblings and pray for a time machine to transport you three years into the future when he (hopefully) leaves the White House. There are other times, however, when he engages in openly hateful rhetoric and racism. His recent […]

The post Of all the responses to Donald Trump’s racist rant about Somalia, this Minnesota Congresswoman provided a simple, but still scathing, solution appeared first on The Poke.