‘Fuck It, A Gig’s A Gig,’ Says Bruce Springsteen, Agreeing To Headline Freedom 250 Concert

COLTS NECK, NJ—Declaring that he wasn’t about to turn down a fat check for shitting out some hits, rock icon Bruce Springsteen said, “Fuck it, a gig’s a gig,” Monday as he agreed to headline the controversial Freedom 250 concert series on the National Mall in Washington, D.C. “I may get some flack from the fans, but I can always win them back by expressing regret later on, some BS about being misled by the show’s organizers,” said Springsteen, adding that he simply couldn’t say no to an all-expenses-paid trip that would get him the hell out of New Jersey for a night or two. “Let’s face it, it’s just music, and Papa’s gotta eat. So let’s talk cashola, you know? I’ll play anywhere that’s gonna make my wallet happy, and it just so happens that President Trump is going to make it very happy indeed.” Springsteen later clarified that, depending on the compensation, he’d be just as willing to perform at the inauguration for the next Democratic president as he would the inauguration for Donald Trump’s third term. The Onion.

‘Euphoria’ Delivers Happy Ending Where Fans Never Have To Watch ‘Euphoria’ Again

LOS ANGELES—Breathing a deep sigh of relief as the credits rolled Sunday night, fans praised HBO drama Euphoria for delivering a happy ending in which they would never have to watch the series ever again. “Thank God, it’s over—it’s finally over,” said 29-year-old fan Emma Torres, who added that the experience of realizing she would never see another episode of the series as long as she lived was like “riding off into the sunset away from her television.” “I was so worried they would try to leave the door open for a season four or some kind of spin-off, but nope, it’s done. All the loose ends are tied up in a neat little bow, and now I can finally spend my Sunday evenings doing literally anything else.” Torres went on to state that her one regret was that the series had not killed off Sam Levinson. The Onion.

Graham Platner: ‘I Didn’t Know Extramarital Sexting Was A Symbol For Cheating’

The Onion.

Tearful Trump Claims He Was Sex-Trafficked By Epstein

WASHINGTON—Growing visibly emotional as he recounted the trauma surfaced by the Justice Department’s release of files on the serial predator, a tearful President Donald Trump told reporters Wednesday he had been sex-trafficked by disgraced financier Jeffrey Epstein. Trump, who described himself as a “victim of really unbelievable stuff, some of the worst” at a press conference outside the U.S. Capitol, broke down several times as he claimed that Epstein had repeatedly lied to him and pressured him into sexual activity with others from their first meeting in 1987 until the convicted sex offender’s death in prison in 2019.   “Today I stand before you as a survivor of Jeffrey Epstein and Ghislaine Maxwell’s horrendous abuses,” said the commander-in-chief, who paused to collect himself as he stressed that he was only a young, innocent 41-year-old when Epstein began grooming him in Palm Beach, FL. “He said he would get me a massage, and I didn’t know what that meant. Before I knew it, he was luring me to a private island with all these promises of real estate deals and then making me have sex with children for his sick pleasure. It was a nightmare I’m just now waking up from.” “I am the first to come forward of the hundreds of businessmen sexually trafficked by Jeffrey Epstein, but I guarantee you I won’t be the last,” Trump added. Trump says he was groomed by Epstein for sex with underage girls. Due to the emotional nature of his remarks, Trump was accompanied to the Capitol by longtime supporters such as Rep. Clay Higgins (R-LA), Attorney General Pam Bondi, and first lady Melania Trump, who provided the distraught president with tissues as he insisted he did not want attention or compensation but simply wished for the decades of birthday notes, flight logs, photographs, emails, and other evidence cataloging his extensive relationship with Epstein to disappear and never be spoken of again by anyone. “All of these news stories about parties he made me attend, all of these files about other defenseless guys like me he kidnapped and took aboard the Lolita Express—it’s just too painful to think about,” said Trump, who added that having his identity publicly exposed by the U.S. government had forced him to relive the most harrowing period of his life. “There is something so inhumane about how I’ve been treated by the press. They don’t understand the terrible things Jeffrey Epstein put me through. I still wake up in a cold sweat thinking about all the billionaires he trafficked who weren’t lucky enough to get away.” “Please, I’m just begging anyone in Congress who has a heart to make all of this go away—if not for me, then for the many others out there,” he continued, openly weeping as his wife draped him in her jacket and ushered him from the podium. Following the press conference, Trump reportedly signed onto an open letter calling on Congress to suppress any information related to Jeffrey Epstein’s crimes, joining dozens of other self-described survivors, including Bill Gates, Elon Musk, Tom Pritzker, Sultan Ahmed bin Sulayem, Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor, and Secretary of Commerce Howard Lutnick. The Onion.

ATM Looks Too Shitty To Trust

The Onion.

Celebrate Pride Month With These 12 Inspiring Bible Passages About Pride

It's Pride Month again, making this the perfect time of year to see what inspirational passages can be found in God's Word that pertain to the subject.

State Where P-51 Mustang Was Built In 102 Days Now Taking 4 Years To Build Bridge For Butterflies

AGOURA HILLS, CA — Officials working on new construction in California were surprised to learn that their own state, which was struggling to build a bridge for butterflies over the course of four years at a cost of over $100 million, had apparently once developed and built the P-51 Mustang in just 102 days.

Attack Ad Against Republican Convinces Man To Vote For Republican

SAN BERNARDINO, CA — An attack ad against a Republican candidate reportedly had the opposite effect when it convinced a local man to vote for the Republican.

Popular New Service Removes All The Orange Candies Before You Get The Box

U.S. — A popular new service that sifts through your boxes of candy to remove all the orange pieces for you has reportedly taken off with consumers.

Trump Recognizes Pride Month By Hosting Soccer Match On White House Lawn

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In an unusual gesture across a prominent social divide, President Donald Trump took the official step of recognizing Pride Month this year by hosting a soccer match right on the White House lawn.

God’s Favorite: This Man Is A Devout Christian, Muslim, AND Jew

We all like to think that God loves us, but there’s one guy living on Earth right now who is clearly God’s #1 favorite: This man is a devout Christian, Muslim, AND Jew.   Yep, you gotta think Yahweh/The Lord is pretty into this guy.   Abdullah Paul Markowitz of Washington, DC is more devoted to our Creator than pretty much anybody, given that he shows his worship through God’s three favorite faiths at the same time. Abdullah keeps all of God’s commandments, whether they come from the Bible, the Torah, or the Koran—he observes the Sabbath on Saturday and Sunday, belongs to a shul, a mosque, and a church, refrains from eating pork and shellfish, and remains alcohol-free by using grape juice when he takes the Eucharist or sips from the Kiddush cup. Between Ramadan, Yom Kippur, and Lent, he’s fasting pretty much all the time, and he considers Jesus Christ both the Messiah and not the Messiah simultaneously using a principle similar to quantum mechanics.   We’ve got to say that if we were God, we would be pretty damn obsessed with Abdullah!   Abdullah has had a busy life getting confirmed and bar-mitzvahed and publicly declaring his faith in the Five Pillars of Islam, not to mention the hours he spends daily reciting prayers in Hebrew, Arabic, Latin, and English. But it’s all worth it—he is always happy, he has the biomarkers of a much younger man, and he makes $250k a year at his relatively easy marketing job, all because God would never let anything happen to his #1 most cherished human being. And as long as he maintains his devotion, we assume he’s gonna keep the lion’s share of God’s love.   Pretty cool. Abdullah Paul Markowitz may be a bit of a teacher’s pet for God, but we’ve gotta admit he’s earned it. Religion rocks!

Fuck This: Your Acquaintance’s Instagrams About Her New Baby Aren’t Nearly As Good As What She Posted When Single And Manic

There comes a time when everyone grows up, but tragically, that growth often comes at the expense of a comically immature social media presence. Case in point: Your acquaintance’s Instagram posts about her new baby aren’t nearly as good as what she posted when she was single and manic. Well fuck this. Sure, it’s nice that at age 38 this girl seems to love her baby and the super normal-looking guy she had the baby with, but boy oh boy are lighthearted trips to the zoo NOT what you follow this girl for. Previously, clicking on her story could have brought you myriad gifts: a drunken thirst trap, a screengrab of a customer service live chat interaction in which she was clearly in the wrong, or a new installment in the whole years-long saga where some magician she was dating cheated on her. But gone are the days of her Instagram lives where she’d show up at the magician’s house univited and call him a cocksucker. Now, it’s just videos of a moderately cute kid learning to eat grapes. Oh, where have the good times gone? Foolishly, you thought those hospital gown selfies she was taking last year were from an abortion, time in the psych ward, or, based on her enigmatic caption that read “No one ever gets close enough to know the real me,” somehow both. Sadly, it now seems she was there for a pregnancy-related visit, thereby cementing the end of her time as a worthwhile follow.  Seriously, if it’s just gonna be videos of this kid saying “moo moo” when she means milk, we’re out. This is precisely the type of thing that this woman would’ve captioned “stupid bitch can’t even say milk” during her single days, which would’ve at least given us something. But this? This is nothing. Unfollowing now. And whenever she inevitably goes off whatever mood stabilizers are to thank for her new personality, we’ll consider re-following, but for now, this is the end of the road. Like she told the magician over her final IG live, “Bye bye, cocksucker. I’m done with your games.”

Master Negotiator: President Trump Has Signed A Deal To Dissolve The US Military In Exchange For Iran Writing A 5-Star Review Of The White House On Google Maps

Love him or hate him, Donald Trump’s negotiating skills may be bringing an end to America’s war with Iran at long last: President Trump has signed a deal to dissolve the U.S. military in exchange for Iran writing a five-star review of The White House on Google Maps.  What a massive win-win for the United States and Iran alike. Here’s to peacetime!  In a press conference this morning, President Trump announced that he’d reached an agreement to disband every branch of the United States Armed Forces after Iranian supreme leader Mojtaba Khamenei conceded to post a glowing, five-star review of the White House on Google Maps. Proudly unveiling the deal beside an enlarged printout of Iran’s five-star review of 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, President Trump explained that all US servicemen have been directed to turn in their uniforms, equipment, and medals, and make preparations to vacate their assigned posts within the next week, as all American military forts and bases around the world are set to be renovated into government-owned Airbnbs.  “Everyone got what they wanted, everyone’s happy, and now, America’s former troops have so much free time to visit our country’s Iran-acclaimed White House,” stated President Trump, declaring that the Department of Defense’s shuttering is a perfect tradeoff for having a foreign adversary to publicly praise The White House’s clean bathrooms and helpful staff on Google Reviews for the entire world to see.  “I commend Supreme Leader Khamenei for accepting this unbelievably fair deal, which Joe Biden never could have delivered. Under a Democrat, Iran would’ve rated the Executive Office three stars on Google at best. Under Trump? Forever wars have become forever peace, because our military is forever gone. I’d like to thank our troops for their sacrifice, and wish them the best of luck in whatever’s next for them.” Wow. Somehow, some way, Trump has done the impossible! We didn’t have ‘America demilitarizing’ on our ‘outcome of the War with Iran’ bingo card, but we certainly aren’t complaining about the end of a costly, unnecessary war! If this tradeoff saves lives, then it’s a deal Americans on both sides of the aisle can celebrate. What do you think of Trump’s deal to end the US military for Iran’s perfect review of the White House? Let us know in the comments!

Group Bonding FTW: Every Person On This Bachelorette Trip Doesn’t Want To Be There

Finding common ground can be harder than you think when mixing friend groups, but here’s a story about one bachelorette party that quickly discovered their similarities: Every person on this bachelorette trip doesn’t want to be there. Now that’s how you bond!! Despite the fact that the guests rationalized the $700 weekend spend as being “for Becca!”, now that the weekend’s here, each and every woman, including Becca the bride, is longing to be anywhere else. And although no one’s acknowledged it, the tacit understanding that everyone in this Nashville Airbnb shares this desire has brought the group closer than the underwear guessing game that the maid of honor reluctantly organized ever could.  Or course, the bride is doing her best to pretend she’s enjoying her bachelorette trip. While she acted playfully surprised when her friends presented her with a crown made of cartoon penises and a bottle of Captain Morgan with her fiancee’s face taped on it, her yawns that began at 8:45 p.m. were an obvious tell that she regretted not only planning a full Thursday to Sunday trip, but planning a trip at all. However, it was Becca’s disinterest and her decision to go to bed at 9:30 each night—and the obvious, unspoken joy this inspired in all of the other tripgoers—that became the uniting thread of the weekend. Though no one will be able to say it aloud, the best moment of the trip was not the “Disco Cowgirl” night, but the palpable relief that coursed through them all when Becca decided they should skip drag brunch and instead watch Clueless in the Airbnb’s weird basement with a pool table.  Wow. What a beautiful moment that must’ve been. Whether you identify with the girl who spent half the time FaceTiming her kids, the girl who spent half the time in work Zooms on her laptop, the girl who’s perpetually single and pissed her friend would have the audacity to get married in front of her, the girl who used to be really fun but got boring the second she got married, the girl who’s obviously pregnant but pretending she’s not drinking for some other reason, the bride’s fiancee’s brother’s wife, or the bride’s random childhood friend who has literally always had a bad attitude, we can all agree it’s better to be at home than on a bachelorette trip. Fingers crossed Becca cancels their karaoke plans for tonight, too.

Amazing: Truvada And Smucker’s Just Partnered To Create PrEP In The Form Of An Uncrustable

Well, this is truly iconic. Two unlikely companies have joined forces to create what might be the brand collab to end all brand collabs: Truvada and Smucker’s just partnered to create PrEP in the form of an Uncrustable. YES. Just YES. No one saw Truvada x Smucker’s coming, and no one will ever forget it! In a collaborative Instagram post this morning, HIV prevention drug Truvada and food manufacturer Smucker’s announced the PB & PrEP Uncrustable, a crustless sandwich containing honey-roasted peanut butter and a single dose of pre-exposure prophylaxis, an oral medication that reduces sexually active men and women’s risk of contracting HIV.  The post’s caption explained that the PB & PrEP Uncrustable is designed for consumer privacy, so anyone who’d prefer to take PrEP discretely can do so under the guise of eating an Uncrustable, and doubles as the ultimate grab-and-go snack for refueling after engaging in whatever calorie-burning activity is putting those consumers at risk of HIV in the first place.  Now available at pharmacies nationwide, the PB & PrEP Uncrustable requires a physician’s prescription just like regular PrEP, comes in blister packs scaled up to the size of Uncrustables, and is freezer safe for up to nine months. “The PB & PrEP Uncrustable is an FDA-approved, nutritious way to avoid HIV as well as running out of energy during those sexual encounters that could expose you to HIV,” the two brands wrote in their joint social media post, clarifying that the PB & PrEP Uncrustable should be administered once daily for maximum effectiveness. “For many people’s lifestyles, especially those who engage in unprotected anal sex, quick-digesting carbs, healthy fats, PrEP, and protein are incredibly important, which is why Truvada and Smucker’s worked together to create an Uncrustable that tastes as good as it feels to prevent HIV – PB & PrEP is so delicious you’ll go out of your way to have HIV-risky sex just as an excuse to eat more.” And just in time for Pride Month?! Yup, Truvada and Smucker’s have a home run on their hands! Calling this a game-changer is an understatement. The PB & PrEP Uncrustable is an utterly brilliant cause for celebration for anyone who loves to snack and engage in activities that come with some degree of HIV risk. Kudos, Truvada and Smucker’s!

GOP to require all legislators be Navy SEALs

CAPITOL HILL — Republican officials announced a new initiative this week requiring all future GOP congressional candidates to be Navy SEALs, arguing voters have become increasingly unwilling to elect anyone who has not personally participated in at least one nighttime raid.The initiative, dubbed “Every Legislator a Frogman, Every Frogman a Legislator,” follows what party leaders describe as a growing body of evidence that Navy SEALs are among the few Americans still trusted by voters more than podcast hosts.“With a party leader fondly reminiscing about Arnold Palmer’s anatomy, we're focused on finding real men to run for Congress,” said Republican National Committee Chairman Joe Gruters. “We've discovered that ‘real man’ basically means ‘Navy SEAL’ to suburban dads and open-carry enthusiasts. Those people vote, so from now on all Republican legislators must be Navy SEALs.”Party officials pointed to a growing roster of former SEALs who have successfully entered politics as evidence the model works. Former SEAL Bob Kerrey received the Medal of Honor before serving in the Senate and seeking the presidency. Eric Greitens, a Democrat until he stopped hating America, went on to become Missouri’s Republican governor before becoming involved in what party officials described as “a distinctly non-SEAL scandal.” Former SEAL Scott Taylor served in Congress before losing reelection to what one Republican strategist dismissed as “some surface warfare dork.” With five former SEALs currently serving as Republican members of Congress and another seeking a Senate seat in Kentucky, GOP leaders believe they have identified a repeatable formula for electoral success.Not everyone agrees.Texas Rep. Dan Crenshaw, a former SEAL, cautioned against limiting the party exclusively to commandos.“The left and right approach governance differently,” Crenshaw said. “But many of the goals are ultimately the same: economic prosperity, better health care, better education—”

Opinion: I am not the worst secretary of defense ever

The following is an opinion piece by Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth.Everywhere I go, people keep calling me the worst Secretary of Defense in American history.The worst.Really? Do you think Donald Rumsfeld could deadlift 300 pounds? Could Robert McNamara do PT with Tier 1 operators? I don’t think so. Rumsfeld gave us “unknown unknowns.” I prefer a simpler doctrine: FAFO backed by overwhelming known violence.McNamara might have been CEO of Ford but I'm the one who was built Ford tough.Just look at his record in Vietnam: beaten by the Vietcong, which were nothing but weak communist farmers. McNamara spent seven years trying to win in Vietnam and still lost. In the past couple months I’ve already overseen two regime changes and I’m currently workshopping a third. I didn’t even need congressional authorization. I just did it.That’s sigma male leadership.Watch out, Cuba.Booyah!Can you imagine Don Rumsfeld lifting weights like Hegseth? I don't think so.All I ever wanted was to transform this weak, DEI-obsessed department into the elite killing machine I know it was meant to be. You see, the military wants — no — it needs to kill. But the liberal left bleeding hearts of Democrat politicians keep tying our hands with so-called rules of engagement and "international law," whatever that means.I'm letting the troops do their job. That means no quarter and no mercy on all military-aged males from 11 to 65 years old.Military-aged male driving a truck within 400 feet of U.S. forces? Green lit. Gone.Seventeen-year-old making a peanut butter sandwich while looking at a patrol the wrong way? Green lit. Gone.Host-nation police officer forgets the greeting of the day? Green lit. Gone.My troops know an insider threat when they see one.And do we even need to talk about Lloyd Austin? First of all, how do you trust a Secretary of Defense with two first names? If he weren’t black, I’d assume he was from Alabama and married to his sister.Lloyd Austin’s greatest military achievement was apparently hosting pride parades on aircraft carriers.

Army criticized over Memorial Day recruiting specials

ARLINGTON, Va. — Army recruiting officials are facing criticism after launching a series of Memorial Day enlistment promotions, including cash bonuses, upgraded funeral packages, and limited-time incentives for recruits willing to sign contracts before the holiday weekend ended.Under the promotion, new recruits who signed a six-year contract before Memorial Day received a $2,500 bonus. Soldiers willing to extend to eight years will also qualify for what the Army describes as a “premium bereavement experience package,” including a sandalwood coffin with velvet interior.“We know Memorial Day is traditionally about reflection, sacrifice, and remembering the fallen,” said Lt. Gen. Johnny Davis of Army Recruiting Command. “But it’s also one of the biggest sales weekends of the year, and we’d be foolish not to compete."Army officials said the promotion is part of a broader effort to address recruiting shortfalls while modernizing outreach efforts to younger Americans.“We’re trying to meet Gen Z where they are,” one recruiting official said. “They grew up with promo codes, influencer sponsorships, and limited-time offers. Frankly, patriotism alone just isn’t converting anymore.”The Army missed its recruiting goal by roughly 15,000 soldiers in 2022 and has continued struggling to reverse the trend despite expanded bonuses and relaxed enlistment standards.Nick Baker, a recruit who seized the opportunity to claim the $2,500 bonus, shared his thoughts mere hours after finalizing a contract that will dispatch him to Fort Huachuca for military intelligence training. "I'm not a bookworm, and honestly I can't read, so I don't know the details, but I am happy to support our local animal shelter," Baker said.Critics said the Memorial Day campaign demonstrates a growing disconnect between military leadership and the public.“The Department of Defense thinks every problem can be solved with incentives,” said one Pentagon official speaking anonymously. “We used to have vision. McNamara had Project 100,000. Today everyone suddenly cares about ‘ethics’ and ‘human dignity.’”Army leaders rejected accusations the campaign undermined the significance of Memorial Day.“Absolutely not,” Vereen said. “Anyone who signed this weekend will also receive a commemorative camouflage tote bag and a voucher for ten free boneless wings at participating Applebee’s locations.”At press time, recruiters confirmed they were considering a new Fourth of July promotion offering free AirPods to anyone willing to waive “minor” traumatic brain injuries during MEPS screening.🖊️The Ghost of Jimmy Carter was born in the light of a dying star, disappointment emerged.

Hegseth orders new loyalty oath for Catholic troops

THE PENTAGON — Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth announced a new loyalty oath for Catholic service members this week, citing what he described as a growing threat to military cohesion posed by “America’s first pope.”The policy announcement came at the end of a Pentagon press conference during which Hegseth reportedly lost “another prolonged eye-contact battle” with Chairman of the Joint Chiefs Gen. Dan Caine.“As Vice President and Doctor of the Church JD Vance recently noted, Pope Leo XIV has undermined the lethality of our warriors by questioning the righteousness of our campaign to liberate Iranian schoolgirls from the tyranny of breathing,” Hegseth said.“One of my favorite philosophers once said, ‘Rome shall not rule,’” he continued. “And that’s especially true when our forces are in harm’s way. I just want Catholic troops to fully understand the chain of command between God and the federal government.”Hegseth said the additional oath should not concern troops already accustomed to military bureaucracy.“Look, you’re already taking oaths all the time,” he said. “Oath of enlistment, oath of office, security clearance paperwork. Even I had to swear I’d mostly stop drinking so Congress would confirm me.”The oath reads:“I swear by God this holy oath, that I will render to Donald Trump, leader of the American Realm and People, Supreme Commander of the Armed Forces, unconditional obedience, and that I am ready, as a brave soldier, sailor, Marine, airman, or guardian, to risk my life at any time for this oath.”“See? Short, simple, and to the point,” Hegseth said. “Now we can get back to blockading the blockade to reopen the place that was already open before we blockaded it.”The policy marks the latest escalation in deteriorating relations between the Vatican and the Trump administration. Analysts remain divided on the cause of the dispute. Some believe tensions began after the late Pope Francis allegedly decided eternal judgment was preferable to attending meetings with J.D. Vance, while others point to White House attempts to influence the papal election.White House pontifical candidate Adipatus Peniculus the FirstOne Pentagon source said matters worsened following a private meeting between the Vatican ambassador and Under Secretary of Defense for Policy Elbridge Colby.

Homeless veteran turns to prostitution to support WMD addiction

PHILADELPHIA — Homeless veteran John Webster has reportedly turned to prostitution to support what experts describe as a severe dependency on illicit weapons of mass destruction.Webster, whose VA-prescribed WMD regimen was discontinued earlier this year, said he now exchanges sexual favors for fentanyl, sarin gas, anthrax, and occasionally small quantities of weapons-grade plutonium.“I get most of it from my guy Krugg,” Webster said while standing near a busy intersection. “But by the time it gets to him, it’s all stepped on. His sarin’s cut with air, and the plutonium barely glows anymore. I should have enough WMDs in my system to level a major metropolitan area, but honestly I barely feel capable of destroying a strip mall.”Federal officials warned the illegal WMD trade is becoming increasingly sophisticated.“These weapons are no joke,” said one senior administration official speaking on condition of anonymity. “The CIA says Krugg gave Myanmar a free vial of VX just to get them hooked. In a way, we’re funding this ourselves.”The official added that the administration is now considering expanding domestic counterproliferation operations.“Look at the narco-terrorists flooding rural America with methamphetamine,” he said. “These WMDs have devastated communities across the country. That’s why we authorized missile strikes on suspected mobile weapons laboratories in West Virginia.”The Pentagon later clarified those facilities had exploded on their own.Officials also announced Amsterdam, Ibiza, and Tijuana had been added to an updated “Axis of Evil” watchlist, citing concerns over dangerous extremist activity including prolonged hand-staring, spontaneous dancing, and “uncontrolled techno environments.”At press time, operators at a nuclear missile silo confirmed they were installing targeting coordinates provided by “a shirtless guy yelling at squirrels outside a Wawa.”🖊️Red Friday wants you to Remember EVERYONE Deployed

‘That’s summer over then’ proclaims twat who’s probably right

AN office arsehole has greeted the end of the May heatwave by saying ‘Hope you enjoyed summer,’ and the worst of it is that he may well be correct.  Martin Bishop, aged 44, has accosted everyone he meets with the one-liner he mistakenly believes to be the pinnacle of ironic British humour, but is more likely to be an entirely accurate forecast. He continued: “Apparently summer’s on a Wednesday next year! Eh? Eh? You like that one? Why the sour face mate, only a joke. “Three months of chilly drizzle’s only going to make you appreciate your holiday more. And my gag, which is as British as greasy fish and chips in soggy newspaper and will surely only get funnier as the grey weeks roll on. “After all, you can’t get more British than complaining about the weather, can you? That stiff upper lip, battling through valiantly in the face of adversity. It’s a classic. Everyone here’s just a miserable bastard who hates to laugh.” Colleague Emma Bradford said: “He’s right about us being miserable bastards, but it’s not laughing we hate. It’s Martin. “Is there any kind of old pagan tradition about sacrificing a regional sales manager to the gods in order to banish the clouds and guarantee a good summer? Because if not I’m willing to start one.”

House prices fall, killing everyone

How to go on a Peter Murrell-style domestic spending spree

ARE you keen to spend hundreds of thousands on items the person sharing a home with you can plausibly claim not to have noticed? Waste it like Murrell:  Upgrade minor personal items Look around you. Is there a cup? A coaster? A notepad and pen? What if you still had those same things, but they cost thousands of pounds? Seems impossible, but check out the luxury brands Murrell favoured and you too could spend £975 on three Davek Saville umbrellas. They keep the rain off just like cheap ones! Your wife will never know! Upgrade them again Buying a bean-to-cup coffee maker? No rational person, like the one you’re married to, would expect it could cost more than £500 even for one of those George Clooney ones so a £1,299 one will go under the radar. Not spent enough? Upgrade to a £1,875 one three years later? Still got the itch? There’s a £2,595 one available! Invest in collectibles It’s not throwing money down the drain when you’re guaranteed to get it back, so shrewdly invest in items that can only appreciate in value like James Bond pens, Beatles pens, watches that look identical to any other posh watch, and sterling silver Kelpie beakers. Pop these in a cupboard and get them out to gloat over when your other half isn’t around. Inexplicable multiples If one item’s gone under your partner’s radar, she’s basically given you the green light to buy six of it! So four days after buying yourself a Nintendo 3DS, get three more in different colours. Swap them at will and she’ll have no clue you’ve rewarded yourself with a whole spectrum of gaming fun to play The Sims 3: Pets on under her very nose! Hide the big stuff  Blowing thousands on unnoticeable household items becoming tedious? Then buy the camper van of your dreams but cunningly conceal it at the house of a relative and never, ever use it. You’ll still get that tingle of acquisition when you think of it and occasionally slip in to stroke the leather fixtures and fittings, murmuring ‘This is mine’ to yourself. Don’t neglect the cheaper items It may not be as enviable, but treating yourself to hand cream, a glass honey dipper, a Le Creuset wine foil remover, a swing ball set and a weather station means there will be new parcels to open every day, and that’s just as much fun! But no need to advise you to do this. Everyone in Britain does it every day already.

Champions League commiseration bus cruises through London without fanfare

A OPEN-TOP bus commiserating Arsenal’s Champions League defeat has driven through London’s empty streets without acknowledgement or fuss.  Thousands of Arsenal fans failed to turn out to greet their team as the players sat silently looking at their shoes on the bus, which had ‘LOSERS’ on the front and was bedecked in black ribbons as it meandered through a deserted Islington. Gooner Wayne Hayes said: “Oh, I knew exactly where and when the parade was happening. And I made sure I was home with the curtains drawn. “It’s important to commemorate these big occasions, like losing to Paris Saint-Germain on penalties, and as a fan I’ll never regret taking the opportunity to say ‘I wasn’t there’ to future generations.” Fellow supporter Lauren Hewitt said: “I saw the bus go by from my living room window. You didn’t miss much. Just a bunch of sad, visibly broken men holding up their painful defeat for everyone to see. “It’s no surprise nobody came out to see such a soul-destroying display. Except for the Tottenham fans who had a lovely day out.”

Flight attendants, and other women your boyfriend saves a creepy little smile for

THAT sickly, ingratiating grin isn’t for everyone. It isn’t for you. It seems to specifically be for women employed to serve him, like these:   Waitresses Over she comes, asking if you’d like more drinks, and there his face goes. His voice drops an octave, his mouth contorts into a strange shape and his eyes meet hers with full force. He knows you’re sitting there but can’t help simper about how wonderful the Aperol spritz he was just whinging about is. She doesn’t react. She sees this every day. Flight attendants Children are less needy for attention than boyfriends on long-haul flights. She’s forced to endure his requests for pillows and flight information and has to remind him to fasten his seatbelt every time because it means she looks at his crotch. He spends eight hours with an insincere smirk screwed to his face, swapping it for a face like a slapped arse the moment he disembarks. Nurses Nursing staff are under enough pressure without having to deal with a man with an unnatural beam fixating on them. You can’t visit an elderly relative without him flashing a sordid smile at every one that passes and boasting of his own good health which, given the circumstances, is pretty f**king tasteless. Police officers There’s a little back-and-forth going here: his soulless smile is acknowledging her power over him but finding it sexy, while she’d love to club him unconscious but isn’t allowed. You’re the witness to this unsavoury interaction and keep being glanced at as if the nauseating expression on his face is your fault, rather than a borderline sex crime. Barmaid The woman pulling pints is the female worker your boyfriend saves his creepiest smile for. Because he’s in a pub, he thinks there’s an extra level of sickly behaviour allowable. Fortunately an in-built resistance to pervy boyfriends is part of the job and she ignores his fixed grim becoming a little more grotesque with each pint. She isn’t paid enough.

Donald Trump tried to convince everyone that his four cognitive tests prove he has ‘extreme intelligence’, but reality begged to differ – 21 clapbacks

Donald Trump’s recent return to the Walter Reed Medical Center for the second time in 2026, and the third time within the past 12 months had people’s curiosity turned up to 11. The almost 80-year-old president has clearly not been in peak physcial condition, even for his fairly advanced age. Bruising on both hands, a […] The Poke.

A ‘proud Brexiteer’ insisted that airport queues have nothing to do with Brexit and got owned into the sunlit uplands – 16 favourite takedowns

Another day, another victim of Brexit Derangement Syndrome. Well, if Donald Trump can just make stuff up, so can the rest of us – and at least there’s evidence for our one. This victim showed up when Mark Cockerton posted a perfectly valid point. Next time you’re in a hideously long EU Airport queue simply […] The Poke.

25 Funniest Threads Posts to Give Your Day a Lift

We cross now to the world of Threads – the ‘Instagram Junior’ of the social media family, where funny people have been out in force. In an effort to put a little pep into your Tuesday step, we’ve had a good rummage and found 25 favourites to share with you. There’s comedy gold in them […] The Poke.

What’s a belief you held for years that you now disagree with? – 17 hills people have chosen not to die on

It’s all very well having firm beliefs. But not enough is said about the virtue of changing your mind as you get older. At least that was the case until complexity_neccesity decided to do some investigating over on r/AskReddit by posing the following question: ‘What is a belief you held for years that you now […] The Poke.

‘What’s the most awkward thing you’ve seen or been part of?’ – 17 cringe moments that have haunted people for years

Unless you’re inhumanely cool, chances are you’ve embarrassingly put a foot wrong at some point in your life. It’s not the end of the world though. As CobaltBlue389 found out over on r/AskUK, everyone’s been there. They did so by asking fellow users ‘What is the most awkward thing you’ve seen, or been part of, […] The Poke.