Turkish President Gives Handguns To NATO Leaders

To showcase his nation’s defense industry, President Recep Tayyip Erdoğan of Türkiye presented each NATO leader with a Turkish-made revolver engraved with their name, as well as six rounds of live ammunition. What do you think? “Before giving a gift, you should always check to see if the recipient country already has 500 million of them.” Regina Sutton, Topiary Peddler “The traditional gift for your 74th NATO anniversary is a hand grenade.” Darian Yaghi, Blueprint Approver “Aw, man, seriously? He gave me socks.” Curtis Hinton, Hobby Consultant The Onion.

GOP Allies Claim They Met With Mitch McConnell Inside Body Bag

WASHINGTON—Relieved that their colleague appeared to be the very same man they’d known for years, allies of Sen. Mitch McConnell told reporters Friday they had recently met with the seven-term Kentucky Republican inside a body bag. “Like so many Americans, we had our concerns about Mitch, but when the technician unzipped that vinyl pouch and let me crawl in next to him, I knew there was nothing to worry about,” said Senate Majority Leader John Thune, noting that McConnell was quiet and appeared contemplative throughout the visit as leading Republican lawmakers shared the latest news from Capitol Hill. “No, he wasn’t running his mouth and waving his arms around, but that’s because he’s always been more of a subtle tactician. When they reinserted him into cold storage, I was more confident than ever that he’d help us retain our majority in the Senate. Seeing him motionless for 90 minutes the way we’re used to really lifted our spirits, and I for one was glad to feel so silly about my anxiety.” Thune added that he couldn’t help but smile when McConnell’s rigid hand shattered as he shook it, just like always. The Onion.

Neil The Seal Killed In Shootout With Authorities

SEVEN MILE BEACH, AUSTRALIA—In a shocking and violent scene that left the local marine mammal dead and dozens of others injured, Neil the Seal was reportedly killed in a shootout Friday with authorities in Tasmania. According to eyewitnesses, the 5-year-old southern elephant seal emerged from Tiger Head Bay early in the morning toting what appeared to be an AK-47, flopped straight toward a heavily armored police vehicle parked near the beach, and began firing. Law enforcement officials confirmed that officers exchanged more than 600 rounds of gunfire with the 2,200-pound Neil, who bellowed ceaselessly as he ducked behind a traffic cone for cover and struggled to pull the pin from a hand grenade with his unwieldy flippers. At press time, a postmortem toxicology report had found high levels of amphetamines in Neil the Seal’s system. The Onion.

Secret Service Urges Trump Not To Use Qatari-Gifted Jet Pack

WASHINGTON—Despite protestations from the White House that the propulsion system was fully safe to operate, the Secret Service on Friday strenuously urged President Donald Trump not to use the jet pack gifted to him by Qatar. “While we certainly understand the appeal of this device, it would be challenging to provide effective security for the president were he to launch into the air at 100 miles per hour on a flight path he had no hope of controlling,” said Secret Service head Sean Curran, adding that Trump might not get off the ground to begin with if his legs were incinerated by the jet pack’s thrusters.” Even if he were to successfully launch and somehow stabilize himself midair, and even if the jet pack didn’t explode as the result of a cooling system malfunction, there’s no way he’d be able to fly 3,000 miles for his upcoming state visit to Ireland, as he currently intends to do. He’d run out of fuel just a few miles offshore, forcing us to retrieve him before he sunk to the bottom of the ocean under the weight of his backpack tanks. Fortunately, we’re confident he appreciates the risks and will act accordingly.” At press time, reports confirmed the White House was on fire after Trump ignored repeated pleas not to operate the jet pack indoors. The Onion.

World Cup Reinvigorates Nation’s Interest In Kicking Things

WASHINGTON—Having been provided with a powerful reminder that legs were not merely for standing around on, millions of Americans confirmed Friday that the World Cup had reinvigorated their interest in kicking things. “Seeing all these guys kicking balls on TV has really opened my eyes to how satisfying it is to swing your legs around and hit things with your feet and knees,” said Omaha, NE, resident Darren Montrose, one of the many thousands of Americans across the nation who have reported feeling inspired by all the kicking at the World Cup and looked down at their own legs and wondered what nearby objects they might be able to strike with the pair of limbs. “Just this morning, I kicked my car, I kicked an old can. I tried to kick a bug, but I missed. Then my two sons and I spent the whole afternoon just kicking things in the yard together. I know I’m never going to kick as well as the players in the World Cup—I mean, those guys practice kicking literally every day—but they reminded me that it’s important to kick what you can with the legs you’ve got.” At press time, Montrose had reportedly joined a group of friendly strangers who had spontaneously come together to kick a parking meter. The Onion.

Newsom: 'We Finna Teach Da Homies To Talk Black English Yo'

SACRAMENTO, CA — Following reports that activists were pushing the introduction of Black English in California preschools, Governor Gavin Newsom proudly proclaimed: "We finna teach da' homies Black English, yo!"

Romance In The Air As Wife Not Wearing Mouthguard

ABILENE, KS — Romance was in the air at the Farris household as wife Allison was seen getting ready for bed without her mouthguard in place.

Average Price Of New Home In California Hits $1 Quadrillion

SACRAMENTO, CA — Californians struggling to afford the cost of living in the state were hit hard once again, as it was revealed that the average price of a new home in California had now hit $1 quadrillion.

Democrats Worried Platner Might Decide To Force Himself Onto Ballot Without Party's Consent

AUGUSTA, ME — The Democratic Party reportedly grew concerned that former candidate Graham Platner might force himself onto the ballot without the party's consent.

Candace Owens Confirmed To Be A Jewish Plot To Make Antisemites Look Retarded

U.S. — The White House confirmed on Friday what many had long suspected: that podcast host Candace Owens is an elaborate Jewish plot to make antisemites look retarded.

The Dangers Of Automation: The Nation’s Eye-Candy Pool Boys Are Struggling To Compete With More Efficient, Sexier Pool-Cleaning Robots

Technological progress often comes at a price, especially when it comes to automation. More and more people are being put out of work with each new advancement in the field, and it seems like automation may now be pushing yet another time-honored industry to the brink of extinction, as an increasing number of America’s eye-candy pool boys are losing their jobs to sexier, more efficient pool-cleaning robots. Wow. This truly is a sign of the times. While pool cleaning used to be a reliable summer job for the nation’s hottest hunks, innovation may soon see the last of them hanging up their skintight speedos, as more people are trusting their pool-cleaning duties to state-of-the-art, hyper-efficient robots that can clean a pool in half the time and with twice the sex appeal. These sleekly designed, impeccably bronzed androids are engineered to detect the presence of a single leaf the moment it falls into a pool, and they can manage pH fluctuations with unprecedented precision—and look hot as hell doing it. With carbon-fiber body kits laser-carved for maximum physical allure and highly advanced infrared facial-recognition sensors designed to notice subtle signs of carnal desire, the automatons are vastly better equipped than human pool boys to identify and respond to the sexual needs of their employers. And they’re smooth talkers to boot, coming preloaded with a wide array of titillating conversation starters like “Your husband sure doesn’t seem to be around much,” and “No one understands you the way that I do, Sarah.” Further, with new breakthroughs in automated pool-boy technologies being made every day, it will only get harder and harder for America’s human pool boys to keep up. Their robotic counterparts are expected to see exponential improvements in their already superior sunscreen application capabilities over the next few years, giving them a massive advantage in terms of initiating sensual touch to spark torrid affairs with bored housewives. By the end of the decade, these sexy pool-cleaning robots are projected to have solar batteries with sufficient energy efficiency to allow them to hide silently in a bedroom closet for up to 72 hours when a housewife’s husband comes home unexpectedly, far surpassing the staying power of a regular pool boy. These robots currently come at a much higher price point than regular pool boys, making them accessible only to wealthy women who are all alone in their enormous mansions while their husbands are away on business, but expect that to change soon as well. The price of the machines is projected to drop precipitously in coming years, eliminating an estimated 80 percent of pool-boy jobs for humans by 2030. And when that happens, our pool boys will have very little to fall back on. So, yeah, seems like it’s pretty safe to say that America’s pool boys’ days are numbered. Let this be yet another cautionary tale of the risks posed by automation.

5 Reasons To Love Summer (NO AI)

We are proud to announce that no AI was used whatsoever when writing this list of reasons to love summer. 1. It’s hot out. Normally before writing, we’d Google this topic to see what other people have said to make sure we’re adding something new to the conversation. However, it’s pretty hard to avoid Google’s AI overview these days, and we don’t want that to influence what we write, so we’re just going with our first thoughts on this list, which is that summer is hot, which is why summer is great. Don’t like it? Kiss our perfectly ethical rumps! 2. There’s sunshine! When summer’s here, you can finally shake off the winter blues and get out in the beaitiful sunshine! FYI, we messed up typing that, and “beaitiful” automatically corrected to the proper spelling of “beautiful.” Obviously spell-check and autocorrect type of stuff has been around for a while, but it definitely seems like it could be using AI to catch those mistakes, so because we’re not taking any chances we changed it right back to beaitiful. REMINDER: NO AI WAS USED HERE! 3. Did somebody say BEACH BALLS? Nobody did, but if they had, it would’ve been a human, because this list is 100-percent human generated. And beach balls are such an epic part of summer! They’re inflatable balls that you can play with at the pool or beach, and that makes us love summer. Honestly we doubt AI has ever even touched a beach ball. Not sure how that would even work! 4. You can reconnect with nature.  Summer isn’t a time to be in the house—it’s a time to reconnect with nature. And look, we know that sentence construction is extremely characteristic of AI, but we actually wrote it ourselves. And we’re not going to change our writing style because computers have co-opted it—we’re going to change it because we decide to do so. And we don’t. Got a problem? Kiss our ethical rumps once more! 5. Swimming.  Swimming is an amazing thing you can do in the summer, and you can still do it because AI hasn’t drained all the world’s water, or whatever is happening or going to happen with that. We didn’t contribute to that though, because this wasn’t written by a computer, but instead four humans who each make $32,500 a year. Now get outside and enjoy the weather! Happy summer!

Fuck Yeah: Hanukkah In June

No fucking way we’re waiting until December. Hanukkah is now in June, baby!   It’s Hanukkah in June! Light the menorah, don your swimsuit, and get ready to celebrate eight days of summertime fun!   When the weather gets warm, it’s time for Hanukkah! We’re going to spin dreidels while kicking back poolside!   Throw some latkes on the BBQ!   There’s plenty of Manischewitz in the cooler! Leave your parka in storage, friend! It’s Hanukkah in June!   Uh-oh, looks like the rabbi got a sunburn! Hey, rebbe, slap some SPF 50 on there before you sizzle like a sufganiyah!   Nice, a reggae band is here to play “Ma’oz Tzur”! Hanukat hamizbe’ah, compadres!   Light some fireworks with the shamash! Badass!   Wooooooo! Hanukkah in June! We’re never fuckin’ going back!

Innovative: ‘The New York Times’ Has Announced Their Subscriptions Will Now Be Billed On A Sliding Scale Based On How Likely Someone Is To Remember That They’re Still Being Billed For ‘The New York Times’

As companies struggle to find profitable revenue models in the ever-changing digital landscape, one iconic journalistic entity is pursuing a novel and logical solution: The New York Times has announced their subscriptions will now be billed on a sliding scale based on how likely someone is to remember that they’re still being billed for the New York Times.  Hey, that’s actually pretty smart!  In an unassuming email sent out at 3 a.m. on a Sunday night (likely in the hopes that many subscribers would never open it), The New York Times quietly announced that access to The New York Times will now be billed on a sliding scale, ranging from $0.32 to $23,000 a month depending on how likely the subscriber is to remember that they’re paying for it.  If you’ve ever tried to cancel your New York Times subscription only to be offered a much lower rate to continue, you know these subscription fees were already quite malleable, but this new model takes their seemingly arbitrary pricing to the extreme. People who are hyper-aware they are paying for The New York Times—such as those who play Wordle first thing at 6 a.m. before they even get out of bed and those who frequently share NYT links to Facebook with the caption, “Great article in today’s Times!”— will receive the lowest rates to ensure they don’t cancel their subscriptions when they realize they can barely afford groceries or get demoted at work. People least likely to realize they’re still paying for The New York Times, such as old people with dementia, dead people, and people who have so many subscriptions that they just expect hundreds of dollars to leave their bank account monthly for reasons they can’t remember, will be completely gouged by subscription rates many multiples of their mortgage payments.  This is definitely an idea whose time has come.  Look, the days of getting a newspaper delivered to your porch and therefore having a constant reminder that you’re paying for The New York Times are over, so it’s time for the Times to fully exploit the fact that people don’t know what the fuck they’re paying for half the time. Hopefully this innovative pricing model allows The New York Times to survive another 175 years, even if it means your grandma is paying $8,000 a month for it despite not even knowing her username and password to log in to the site.

Refreshing Transparency: Trump’s Next Physical Will Be Performed In Front Of A Live Audience At Madison Square Garden

Under President Trump, government transparency is all but nonexistent. That’s what makes his administration’s latest decision so unexpectedly refreshing: Trump’s next physical will be performed in front of a live audience at Madison Square Garden.  Wow. Hey, if it takes indulging Trump’s penchant for showmanship to have a more honest and open executive office, we’ll take it! As the President enters his 80s with his health under greater scrutiny than ever, Trump is setting out to prove he’s of sound body and mind by undergoing a Presidential Physical live on stage, in the round, at Madison Square Garden. The MSG-hosted event was announced at a press conference this morning, where President Trump explained that Dr. Sean Barbarella, the current Physician to the President, will examine every inch of his body and test his mental acuity for the 20,000 spectators lucky enough to score a ticket—which sold out minutes after going on sale, with front-row seats priced at $1,000,000 each.  “You’re gonna see every inch of my body and brain on the MSG jumbotron, and you’re gonna say, ‘boy, that’s a healthy person, we saw it all, what an honest and transparent president Trump is,’ and it’ll be true, because it is true, and the proof will be right there in the World’s Most Famous Arena,” said President Trump, before boasting about his physical selling out MSG in minutes, when “President Biden’s Live Presidential Physical couldn’t even sell out Union Pool in Williamsburg,” an event that fact-checkers quickly proved never happened. “There will be an encore. A big one. We’re keeping it a surprise. It’s a dental check-up.” While Trump’s physical is the headliner event, the lineup also features an opening colonoscopy of Health Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr., an autism screening of RFK Jr. that will take place at the same time he’s getting the colonoscopy, and FBI Director Kash Patel reading the Wikipedia page for “Pap smear” at intermission. Say what you will about Trump, but this is a huge step towards repairing public trust in government.  No matter what the results of Trump’s physical exam are, Americans will get to see it with their own eyes, instead of taking Trump at his word. Props to the President for setting a new standard for government transparency!

VA found dead in Capitol Hill parking lot in apparent suicide

WASHINGTON — The Department of Veterans Affairs was found dead early Tuesday in a Capitol Hill parking lot from what authorities described as an apparent self-inflicted gunshot wound.Officials stopped short of ruling the death a suicide but confirmed that a note was recovered and that foul play is not suspected.According to sources familiar with the note, the VA blamed years of abuse by successive administrations, including budget cuts, hiring freezes, leadership turnover, public condemnation, and repeated demands to immediately solve problems created by those same policies.In recent months, the VA had appeared exhausted following restructuring efforts after the appointment of Doug Collins, who promised to “bring accountability” to an agency long accused of the radical act of attempting to care for veterans.“This wasn’t a surprise,” said one longtime employee. “The mission used to be what Lincoln said: ‘To care for him who shall have borne the battle, and for his widow, and his orphan.’ Lately it’s been more like, ‘Hey buddy, go fuck yourself. Never mind your wife and kids.’”Employees described a familiar cycle dating back decades.“First you cut staffing,” one employee said. “Then you freeze hiring. Then you accuse us of being inefficient. Then you demand shorter wait times without restoring any of the people you laid off.”Congressional leaders from both parties expressed shock while pledging vigorous oversight, widely understood to mean additional hearings asking why the VA failed to function properly after repeatedly being instructed not to function properly.The note also referenced what it described as “administrative elimination through omission,” a process in which programs authorized by Congress quietly disappear through policy changes rather than legislation.Vocational Rehabilitation and Employment was reportedly placed into “strategic latency,” a condition in which a program technically exists but becomes increasingly difficult to access.“No politician wants to vote against veterans,” said one congressional aide. “It’s much easier to praise veterans publicly while quietly making benefits harder to receive.”Observers said the agency had exhibited warning signs for years.“It was an abusive relationship,” one analyst said. “Every budget season started with ‘We love veterans,’ followed immediately by ‘How do we spend less on these suckers?’”Plans for a memorial service are underway. Attendance is expected to be bipartisan.At press time, lawmakers had announced a task force to determine how the VA allowed this tragedy to happen to itself.

New ‘every Marine is a pilot’ ethos proves disastrous

Corps says replacing flight training with confidence has produced mixed results

Opinion: Come on. You know why I was fired

The following is an opinion piece by former Gen. Chris Donahue.Before I begin, I should make one thing clear: I do not usually do exit interviews.I have always been a task-oriented leader. My understanding was that the Army rewarded competence. Looking back, I now realize I may have been confusing the Army with literally every other profession.When the Big Green machine needed something difficult done — operations in Iraq, operations in Syria, planning for Benghazi, humanitarian missions stateside, or trying to keep Kabul from becoming even worse — they called me.So.Come on.You know why I was fired.Like anyone who serves long enough, I have eaten my share of shit sandwiches. That is part of the job. What I was not prepared for was to have the chef blame me for the recipe.Sure, I may have irritated some people by saying “woke” was not actually a meaningful military problem.Maybe that did it. Or maybe I am giving myself too much credit.The Army spent decades teaching me initiative, judgment, discipline, candor, and mission command. As it turns out, the correct answer was enthusiastic mediocrity.That one is on me.I also want to thank Sen. Thom Tillis for calling the whole affair “sophomoric” and “unserious.” I appreciate the sentiment, even if he only discovered his spine after announcing he was leaving public life.Still, better late than never.People keep asking how we got here.I do not know. I was in meetings.You people elected these assholes.For years, I believed “mission first, people always” was more than decorative wall art in battalion headquarters. I thought leaders were supposed to tell the truth, accept responsibility, and build organizations capable of learning from failure.Again, my mistake.Here is what I learned.Do not be the person who solves problems. Be the person who confidently explains why solving them would be woke.Do not preserve institutional memory. Delete it, then accuse the next guy of not knowing the history.Do not demonstrate independent judgment. Demonstrate vibes.Above all, do not accidentally make mediocre people feel small by being prepared, competent, and useful in a crisis. That creates what the Pentagon now calls a “leadership climate concern.”The safest career path now is simple: say “lethality” every third sentence, pretend every issue can be fixed with deadlifts, and never allow your service record to suggest you might know what you are talking about.If asked for a recommendation, say “warrior ethos.”If asked for evidence, say “DEI.”If asked for a plan, say “classified.”That is not bitterness. That is professional development.So, to review:Competence is for suckers. Institutional memory is optional. Merit lasts exactly as long as it flatters the right people.And if you are wearing enough stars to have an independent opinion, or enough talent to outshine mediocrity pretending to care about excellence, you may want to update your résumé.Take care of yourselves.Watch your six.And if you are still wondering why I was fired?Come on.You know.🖊️Tony knows not everyone can show the courage of a Fox weekend co-host …when it comes to purges anyway.

Trump announces conditional surrender to Iran

WASHINGTON — President Donald Trump announced the terms of a conditional surrender to Iran this week, briefly threatened to resume strikes, then canceled those plans after declaring the surrender “one of the strongest deals ever made by someone who technically won.”The agreement, which officials described as “not a ceasefire, not a peace deal, and definitely not what it looks like,” remained uncertain as of press time.“We did not want to rush into any deal, no matter how pyrrhic their victory may appear,” Trump said. “People said a deal was close 38 times. They were wrong. But the 39th time? That’s when I got it done.”Under the proposed terms, Iran would swear “up and down” that it destroyed nuclear material U.S. officials previously claimed had already been destroyed. Iran would also promise not to restart its nuclear program unless circumstances changed, inspectors became annoying, or the ample bribe cleared first.In exchange, the United States would agree to stop calling the outcome a surrender while allowing Iran to describe it however it wanted domestically.“You know, people have criticized Iran deals before, but those were deals made by stupid people,” Trump said. “This is different. We’re very smart people. We know how to negotiate a tremendous surrender from a position of strength.”Officials said the deal also requires Iran to limit Chinese-supplied air defenses to prewar levels, though analysts noted Tehran would likely purchase replacements using funds provided under the agreement.Iran has not yet accepted the proposal.“Congrats on faking yourself out, Mr. President,” the Islamic Revolutionary Guard Corps wrote on X. “We will consider the offer, though frankly we have not had this easy a time since sending human wave attacks against the Iraqi army.”Trump remained undeterred, posting what he called a final offer.“Three free strikes on the air defenses we already obliterated in exchange for another pallet of cash,” he wrote. “Fair?”🖊️Tony won’t accept anything other than conditional surrender, weather permitting.

Bolton’s mustache to be sentenced separately following guilty plea

WASHINGTON — Federal prosecutors announced Tuesday that former National Security Adviser John Bolton’s mustache will be sentenced separately following Bolton’s guilty plea to mishandling classified information.Under the terms of the plea agreement, Bolton admitted to retaining classified documents. Prosecutors said the agreement does not extend to the mustache, which court filings describe as “a distinct and substantially more culpable actor.”“Mr. Bolton has accepted responsibility for his actions,” Justice Department spokesman Mark Evans said. “The mustache, however, continues to deny wrongdoing and has repeatedly requested access to additional classified documents.”Although federal agents initially believed they had recovered all sensitive materials during a search of Bolton’s home, a second search allegedly uncovered an additional 14 terabytes of classified information concealed inside the mustache.“The storage capacity was frankly astonishing,” one FBI agent testified. “We recovered contingency plans, intelligence assessments, and invasion concepts for six countries no one had even mentioned. There was also a folder labeled ‘Just In Case.’”Court records show Bolton agreed to pay a $2.25 million fine as part of the plea agreement. The mustache reportedly rejected a similar offer.“It felt the terms were too lenient,” said a source familiar with negotiations. “The mustache argued that accepting responsibility would project weakness to Iran.”Evidence technicians process Bolton’s mustache following its indictment on charges related to mishandling classified information.Former colleagues described the facial hair as the dominant influence throughout Bolton’s government career.“You’d walk into a meeting expecting to discuss sanctions,” one former White House official recalled. “Then the mustache would twitch a little and suddenly everyone was looking at maps.”Investigators said they spent nearly three hours removing classified material from the mustache, including intelligence assessments dating to the Reagan administration, multiple contingency plans for Cuba, and what agents described as “an alarming number of regime-change concepts.”Defense attorneys argued the mustache had already suffered enough.“For more than 40 years it has been attached to John Bolton,” attorney David Marks told the court. “What additional sentence could possibly be justified?”The judge appeared unconvinced.After reviewing the evidence, the court ordered a separate sentencing hearing after concluding the mustache had likely exercised operational control over approximately 87% of Bolton’s foreign policy decisions.Experts called by the prosecution testified the mustache demonstrated several aggravating factors, including lack of remorse, habitual advocacy of regime change, and possession of what appeared to be classified facial expressions.At press time, prosecutors had secured a cooperation agreement with Bolton’s eyebrows, which are expected to testify against the mustache in exchange for immunity.

Britain experiences first documented case of barbecue fatigue

A HOSPITAL has admitted the first-ever British man suffering from a debilitating sickness of barbecuing every bloody weekend.  55-year-old Martin Bishop, like all men, began summer planning to burn meat outside with minimum food hygiene precautions whenever the weather permitted him to, which he expected to be a maximum of two times. But the unprecedented heatwaves mean he is now required to show off his signature marinade to other middle-aged men with limited hobbies every weekend and he quickly became fatigued. He said: “At first it was great. I was buying 12 different varieties of sausages, I was nurturing that charcoal more than I did my first-born, and my novelty LET THE GOAT COOK apron was getting laughs. It has a goat on it. In a chef’s hat. “But it’s been months now. I’m tired, I’m sweaty, I’m standing there in intense heat leaning over a concentrated source of even more heat. I never thought I’d say this, but I miss vegetables. “Plus, thinking about it, we paid a lot of money for an oven that heats things from all four sides, yet there I am manually turning chunks of meat like a peasant. And where’s the thrill of barbecuing without the mild peril of oncoming rain?” Martin’s wife Donna said: “Martin has been struck down by the agony of realising when you carry out an essential household task, such as cooking, quite frequently it is no longer fun. Who knew.”

We ask you: How can England stop Haaland tonight?

TONIGHT, England play Erling Haaland and his Norwegian chums in the quarter-final of the World Cup. How can he possibly be stopped?  Lucy Parry, camgirl: “Ask him to comprehend true love. His android brain will seize right up, and sparks come out of his ears.” Martin Bishop, private tutor: “Everyone’s forgetting we’ve got loads of Premier League players in the side who’ve played against Haaland plenty. All they have to do is use the same tactics against him that didn’t work then.” Denys Finch Hatton, property developer: “What do Vikings like? Illuminated manuscripts seemed to be their thing back in the day. Can we scatter a few of those around the box to distract him?” Eleanor Shaw, tarot reader: “As an albino his eyes are unable to see the colour red so if we wear our away kit we’ll be basically invisible. I think. I’ve not checked or anything and I have no relevant qualifications.” Sam Matterface, commentator: “I’m assuming victory and working on my rant: Morten Harket, Jo Nesbo, Edvard Munch, Thor Heyerdahl, turn-of-the-century female serial killer Belle Gunness, your boys took one hell of a beating.” Helen Archer, oncologist: “Can we not just appeal to his better nature? I mean he can’t really want Norway to win.”

Bury Tapestry arrives in France

Loony lefties ban England flag made with human blood

PATRIOTS have been banned from painting a 60ft England flag on the side of a building just because they are planning to use human blood for the red bits.  Left-wing council chiefs said the image could be offensive to those who do not support England or do not like the idea of a enormous public mural painted with human blood. But Wayne Hayes, the Stevenage scaffolder who designed the World Cup morale booster, said: “I can’t see what’s offensive about it. It’s England. Unless supporting your country offends these snowflakes? “I’ve already backed our boys by completely covering the windscreen of my Transit van with a giant England fan, and when I’m driving down the M1 everyone’s beeping their horns in support. “But when me and Steve build a wall painted with the England flag blocking the entrance to our local A&E, to cheer the patients up, sure enough a man from the council says we have to knock it down. Can someone please tell me what’s happened to this country? “If we’d painted two men having sex on it then they’d have given me an Arts Council grant. It’s two-tier Britain in action.” Martin Bishop, from Peterborough, added: “I’ve had little England flags tattooed onto the inside of my eyes. They had to go in through the back of my head with a drill and gouge out some of my brain. But I suppose that should have been banned as well, should it? “Actually, it probably should. I can’t see anything and I’m pretty sure I’m going to die.”

Shrewd Clacton voter suspects Count Binface may be a fictional character

AN astute voter in Clacton-on-Sea has a hunch that Count Binface might not actually be from the planet Sigma IX. After watching Binface’s fiery exchange with interviewers on Newsnight, whip-smart Clacton resident Margaret Gerving has come to the conclusion that his ‘independent space warrior’ persona might be nothing more than a satirical gimmick. Gerving said: “At first I took him at face value. Why shouldn’t I believe he’s the 5,900-year-old leader of the Recyclons? Curious, I dug a little deeper. “Alarm bells started ringing when I looked into his policies. Putting a 99p price cap on Flakes and sending £1 trillion a week to the NHS sounds appealing, but he doesn’t explain how he’ll fund either of them. “Then I remembered that bins are traditionally found on the street and used to contain rubbish, not worn on the heads of intergalactic visitors with an interest in local politics. And according to Wikipedia his real name is Jonathan Harvey. The lies never end. “I know I’m going to sound like a tinfoil hat-wearing conspiracy theorist when I say this, but I really think Count Binface might just be some bloke having a laugh. And fair play, he nearly had me for a minute there.” She added: “It’s a shame Lord Buckethead isn’t running. Now there was a candidate you could trust.”

A poll found that boomers don’t want England to get a Bank Holiday if the Three Lions win the World Cup – 15 generationally savage reactions

The nation holds its breath tonight as England face off against Norway in their crucial World Cup quarter-final match. Good news for England fans planning on going out to watch the quarter-final against Norway tonight! 🏴󠁧󠁢󠁥󠁮󠁧󠁿🇳🇴 🍻 Supporters will be able to watch the game in pubs and bars even if kick-off is delayed, after […] The Poke.

There’s an outbreak of explosive diarrhoea in the US thanks largely to RFK Jr’s research cuts – 18 solid samples of toilet humour in response

Just when you think US healthcare under Robert F. Kennedy Jr couldn’t get worse…along comes an outbreak of explosive diarrhoea. Which can be in large part blamed on…you guessed it, RFK Jr. There are reports of at least 1,700 people across multiple US states experiencing extreme diarrhea symptoms, caused by a microscopic parasite called cyclospora. […] The Poke.

This clip of a golden retriever with a record-breaking amount of cherry tomatoes in his mouth should be available on prescription as a pick-me-up

What could be more uplifting than a golden retriever with what looks like a Guinness World Record-breaking amount of cherry tomatoes in its mouth? Okay, plenty of things – but we don’t have those things right now. We do have the dog. Watch to the end. Golden busted with many tomatoes in the mouth. The […] The Poke.

More British people want Count Binface to win the Clacton by-election over Nigel Farage, according to a new Ipsos poll – and now people are litter-ly daring to hope

Time to check-in on the greatest political race of our generation: the Clacton by-election prompted by the ‘Count of Dodgy Crypto’ Nigel Farage’s latest stunt of resigning in order to run again. A new poll by Ipsos gives the first insight into British voters’ opinion of the race – and the result is brutal for […] The Poke.

A European reporter just took Donald Trump down with the cold hard truth about the Iran war and more of this sort of thing in America please

A free and bold European press corps did its job this week during the NATO summit in Turkey. Instead of lobbing softball questions that go nowhere or accepting tirades from whichever powerful politician happens to be standing at the microphone, this press pool pushed for real answers to questions on issues affecting everyone around the […] The Poke.