The Onion
Wife’s Muscular Sidepiece Challenged To Battle Of Wits
DAYTON, OH—Jeering that the other man’s chiseled physique would offer little aid in their upcoming confrontation, local intellectual Kenneth Dufresne reportedly challenged his wife’s muscular sidepiece to a battle of wits Friday. “Your hypertrophied pectorals may have momentarily swayed Veronica from the path of marital fidelity, but let’s see how you fare when not your body but your mind is put to the test!” Dufresne said to the completely shredded personal trainer, adding that his romantic rival would have little hope of retaining his wife’s interest when forced to compete in the arena of logic puzzles, mental math, and Star Wars trivia. “Your sculpted Adonis belt won’t save you from the cerebral shellacking you’re about to endure. A quick preview of what you’re up against: 3.14159265358979323846. Yes, it’s time for me to cast off the cuckold’s horns and restore brains to their rightful place above brawn. Perhaps next time you’ll think harder before intruding upon the marriage of a certified Mensan.” At press time, witnesses reported hearing a triumphant Dufresne yelling to his rival through a window that abandoning their contest in order to fuck his wife counted as a forfeit.
The Onion.
Man Resents Home Run For Making Him Pause Eating, Clap
KANSAS CITY, MO—Audibly groaning as everyone around him rose to their feet, local baseball fan Mark Girma told reporters Friday that he resented a fourth-inning home run for making him pause eating so he could clap. “Oh, for Christ’s sake, now?” said Girma, who had reportedly just squeezed his way down his row following a 25-minute concessions ordeal and was balancing a hot dog, a cup of fries, and a large beer on his lap when Kansas City Royals left fielder Isaac Collins launched a solo shot into the bleachers. “I thought I was safe—the guy’s hitting .240 with five homers all year. Figured it was a good time to eat. But now I look like an asshole because I’m the only one in the section who isn’t standing, and I’m trying to clap while clutching a napkin in my left hand, and the fries are sliding off my leg, and I got ketchup on my wrist, and I’m gripping the beer cup with my teeth. Oh, God, what a disaster. I fucking hate baseball.” At press time, Girma was reportedly quietly hoping for a double play so the inning would end and he could safely resume eating without risk of further chaos.
The Onion.
Bat-Wielding Christopher Nolan Confronts Man Using Bathroom During ‘The Odyssey’
LOS ANGELES—Bursting through the stall door with a baseball bat hoisted over his head, director Christopher Nolan reportedly confronted moviegoer Luke Dias on Friday for using the bathroom during The Odyssey. “You just couldn’t hold it, could you?” the Oscar-winning filmmaker said as he kicked his victim off the toilet seat and delivered a violent swing that shattered the porcelain stool. “Do you know what kind of incredible IMAX footage you’re missing right now? All because you just had to suck down a giant Icee during the previews? Well, I’m glad you like being in the bathroom so much, because you’re not leaving here until I’m through with you. I don’t care that it’s your third time seeing it—thanks to your lack of respect, you’re going to be eating your Sno-Caps through a tube from now on. Shame! Shame on you!” Nolan was later seen standing over the cowering fan and screaming, “And you call yourself an AMC Stubs A-List member?!”
The Onion.
Fan Clearly Drowning In Diamondbacks Pool
The Onion.
Man Who Bought ‘Odyssey’ Ticket Year Ahead Correctly Assumed He Wouldn’t Have Anything Going On
The Onion.
Babylon Bee
Taco Bell Releases New Imodium A-D Sauce Packets To Combat Explosive Diarrhea Outbreak
U.S. — Fast-food giant Taco Bell introduced Imodium A-D sauce packets to help customers combat the explosive diarrhea caused by consuming the restaurant chain's food.
Christopher Nolan Criticized For Not Depicting Trojan Horse As Historically Accurate Large Wooden Rabbit
LOS ANGELES, CA — As critics continued to heap praise on Christopher Nolan's The Odyssey, fans heavily criticized the blockbuster film for what they argue is a slew of unnecessary changes to Homer's original epic, notably the depiction of a wooden "Trojan Horse" rather than the historically accurate large wooden rabbit.
Idaho Builds Border Wall Out Of Potatoes To Keep Out Californians
BOISE, ID — In a bold stand against the western invasion, Idaho Governor Brad Little announced today that the state had constructed a new border wall of potatoes to keep out Californians.
Brilliant Politician JD Vance Secures Vote Of 100% Of Nation’s Tucker Carlsons
AUSTIN, TX — In a political maneuver of unparalleled brilliance, Vice President JD Vance callously disparaged millions of his own supporters, securing the vote of one hundred percent of the nation's Tucker Carlsons.
Hegseth Orders Any Military Personnel With Low Testosterone Be Transferred To The Navy
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Secretary of War Pete Hegseth issued a new order that any military member who is discovered to have low testosterone be immediately transferred to the Navy.
ClickHole
The Dangers Of Automation: The Nation’s Eye-Candy Pool Boys Are Struggling To Compete With More Efficient, Sexier Pool-Cleaning Robots
Technological progress often comes at a price, especially when it comes to automation. More and more people are being put out of work with each new advancement in the field, and it seems like automation may now be pushing yet another time-honored industry to the brink of extinction, as an increasing number of America’s eye-candy pool boys are losing their jobs to sexier, more efficient pool-cleaning robots.
Wow. This truly is a sign of the times.
While pool cleaning used to be a reliable summer job for the nation’s hottest hunks, innovation may soon see the last of them hanging up their skintight speedos, as more people are trusting their pool-cleaning duties to state-of-the-art, hyper-efficient robots that can clean a pool in half the time and with twice the sex appeal. These sleekly designed, impeccably bronzed androids are engineered to detect the presence of a single leaf the moment it falls into a pool, and they can manage pH fluctuations with unprecedented precision—and look hot as hell doing it.
With carbon-fiber body kits laser-carved for maximum physical allure and highly advanced infrared facial-recognition sensors designed to notice subtle signs of carnal desire, the automatons are vastly better equipped than human pool boys to identify and respond to the sexual needs of their employers. And they’re smooth talkers to boot, coming preloaded with a wide array of titillating conversation starters like “Your husband sure doesn’t seem to be around much,” and “No one understands you the way that I do, Sarah.”
Further, with new breakthroughs in automated pool-boy technologies being made every day, it will only get harder and harder for America’s human pool boys to keep up. Their robotic counterparts are expected to see exponential improvements in their already superior sunscreen application capabilities over the next few years, giving them a massive advantage in terms of initiating sensual touch to spark torrid affairs with bored housewives. By the end of the decade, these sexy pool-cleaning robots are projected to have solar batteries with sufficient energy efficiency to allow them to hide silently in a bedroom closet for up to 72 hours when a housewife’s husband comes home unexpectedly, far surpassing the staying power of a regular pool boy.
These robots currently come at a much higher price point than regular pool boys, making them accessible only to wealthy women who are all alone in their enormous mansions while their husbands are away on business, but expect that to change soon as well. The price of the machines is projected to drop precipitously in coming years, eliminating an estimated 80 percent of pool-boy jobs for humans by 2030. And when that happens, our pool boys will have very little to fall back on.
So, yeah, seems like it’s pretty safe to say that America’s pool boys’ days are numbered. Let this be yet another cautionary tale of the risks posed by automation.
5 Reasons To Love Summer (NO AI)
We are proud to announce that no AI was used whatsoever when writing this list of reasons to love summer.
1. It’s hot out.
Normally before writing, we’d Google this topic to see what other people have said to make sure we’re adding something new to the conversation. However, it’s pretty hard to avoid Google’s AI overview these days, and we don’t want that to influence what we write, so we’re just going with our first thoughts on this list, which is that summer is hot, which is why summer is great. Don’t like it? Kiss our perfectly ethical rumps!
2. There’s sunshine!
When summer’s here, you can finally shake off the winter blues and get out in the beaitiful sunshine! FYI, we messed up typing that, and “beaitiful” automatically corrected to the proper spelling of “beautiful.” Obviously spell-check and autocorrect type of stuff has been around for a while, but it definitely seems like it could be using AI to catch those mistakes, so because we’re not taking any chances we changed it right back to beaitiful. REMINDER: NO AI WAS USED HERE!
3. Did somebody say BEACH BALLS?
Nobody did, but if they had, it would’ve been a human, because this list is 100-percent human generated. And beach balls are such an epic part of summer! They’re inflatable balls that you can play with at the pool or beach, and that makes us love summer. Honestly we doubt AI has ever even touched a beach ball. Not sure how that would even work!
4. You can reconnect with nature.
Summer isn’t a time to be in the house—it’s a time to reconnect with nature. And look, we know that sentence construction is extremely characteristic of AI, but we actually wrote it ourselves. And we’re not going to change our writing style because computers have co-opted it—we’re going to change it because we decide to do so. And we don’t. Got a problem? Kiss our ethical rumps once more!
5. Swimming.
Swimming is an amazing thing you can do in the summer, and you can still do it because AI hasn’t drained all the world’s water, or whatever is happening or going to happen with that. We didn’t contribute to that though, because this wasn’t written by a computer, but instead four humans who each make $32,500 a year. Now get outside and enjoy the weather! Happy summer!
Fuck Yeah: Hanukkah In June
No fucking way we’re waiting until December. Hanukkah is now in June, baby!
It’s Hanukkah in June! Light the menorah, don your swimsuit, and get ready to celebrate eight days of summertime fun!
When the weather gets warm, it’s time for Hanukkah! We’re going to spin dreidels while kicking back poolside!
Throw some latkes on the BBQ!
There’s plenty of Manischewitz in the cooler! Leave your parka in storage, friend! It’s Hanukkah in June!
Uh-oh, looks like the rabbi got a sunburn! Hey, rebbe, slap some SPF 50 on there before you sizzle like a sufganiyah!
Nice, a reggae band is here to play “Ma’oz Tzur”! Hanukat hamizbe’ah, compadres!
Light some fireworks with the shamash! Badass!
Wooooooo! Hanukkah in June! We’re never fuckin’ going back!
Innovative: ‘The New York Times’ Has Announced Their Subscriptions Will Now Be Billed On A Sliding Scale Based On How Likely Someone Is To Remember That They’re Still Being Billed For ‘The New York Times’
As companies struggle to find profitable revenue models in the ever-changing digital landscape, one iconic journalistic entity is pursuing a novel and logical solution: The New York Times has announced their subscriptions will now be billed on a sliding scale based on how likely someone is to remember that they’re still being billed for the New York Times.
Hey, that’s actually pretty smart!
In an unassuming email sent out at 3 a.m. on a Sunday night (likely in the hopes that many subscribers would never open it), The New York Times quietly announced that access to The New York Times will now be billed on a sliding scale, ranging from $0.32 to $23,000 a month depending on how likely the subscriber is to remember that they’re paying for it.
If you’ve ever tried to cancel your New York Times subscription only to be offered a much lower rate to continue, you know these subscription fees were already quite malleable, but this new model takes their seemingly arbitrary pricing to the extreme. People who are hyper-aware they are paying for The New York Times—such as those who play Wordle first thing at 6 a.m. before they even get out of bed and those who frequently share NYT links to Facebook with the caption, “Great article in today’s Times!”— will receive the lowest rates to ensure they don’t cancel their subscriptions when they realize they can barely afford groceries or get demoted at work. People least likely to realize they’re still paying for The New York Times, such as old people with dementia, dead people, and people who have so many subscriptions that they just expect hundreds of dollars to leave their bank account monthly for reasons they can’t remember, will be completely gouged by subscription rates many multiples of their mortgage payments.
This is definitely an idea whose time has come.
Look, the days of getting a newspaper delivered to your porch and therefore having a constant reminder that you’re paying for The New York Times are over, so it’s time for the Times to fully exploit the fact that people don’t know what the fuck they’re paying for half the time. Hopefully this innovative pricing model allows The New York Times to survive another 175 years, even if it means your grandma is paying $8,000 a month for it despite not even knowing her username and password to log in to the site.
Refreshing Transparency: Trump’s Next Physical Will Be Performed In Front Of A Live Audience At Madison Square Garden
Under President Trump, government transparency is all but nonexistent. That’s what makes his administration’s latest decision so unexpectedly refreshing: Trump’s next physical will be performed in front of a live audience at Madison Square Garden.
Wow. Hey, if it takes indulging Trump’s penchant for showmanship to have a more honest and open executive office, we’ll take it!
As the President enters his 80s with his health under greater scrutiny than ever, Trump is setting out to prove he’s of sound body and mind by undergoing a Presidential Physical live on stage, in the round, at Madison Square Garden. The MSG-hosted event was announced at a press conference this morning, where President Trump explained that Dr. Sean Barbarella, the current Physician to the President, will examine every inch of his body and test his mental acuity for the 20,000 spectators lucky enough to score a ticket—which sold out minutes after going on sale, with front-row seats priced at $1,000,000 each.
“You’re gonna see every inch of my body and brain on the MSG jumbotron, and you’re gonna say, ‘boy, that’s a healthy person, we saw it all, what an honest and transparent president Trump is,’ and it’ll be true, because it is true, and the proof will be right there in the World’s Most Famous Arena,” said President Trump, before boasting about his physical selling out MSG in minutes, when “President Biden’s Live Presidential Physical couldn’t even sell out Union Pool in Williamsburg,” an event that fact-checkers quickly proved never happened. “There will be an encore. A big one. We’re keeping it a surprise. It’s a dental check-up.”
While Trump’s physical is the headliner event, the lineup also features an opening colonoscopy of Health Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr., an autism screening of RFK Jr. that will take place at the same time he’s getting the colonoscopy, and FBI Director Kash Patel reading the Wikipedia page for “Pap smear” at intermission.
Say what you will about Trump, but this is a huge step towards repairing public trust in government.
No matter what the results of Trump’s physical exam are, Americans will get to see it with their own eyes, instead of taking Trump at his word. Props to the President for setting a new standard for government transparency!
Duffel Blog
Influenza outbreak prompts Air Force to adopt RFK Jr.'s natural treatment protocol
SAN ANTONIO — Following an influenza outbreak that infected nearly 300 airmen at Joint Base San Antonio–Lackland, the Department of Defense has adopted a new treatment protocol developed by Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr., replacing antiviral medication with what officials described as “ancestral fieldcraft.”The outbreak occurred after Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth reportedly changed the military's mandatory influenza vaccine policy from “mandatory” to “friends with benefits,” calling the previous requirement “not rational.”Under the new guidance, airmen who develop flu symptoms are instructed to remove their uniforms, fashion an expedient spear, and enter the wilderness in small tribes to kill a bear.According to the protocol, consuming freshly harvested bear meat allows the body's natural immune system to “recognize and dominate” the influenza virus without relying on “corporate pharmaceuticals.”Whenever possible, Kennedy recommends selecting a lactating bear.The guidance states that drinking raw bear milk directly from the animal provides additional health benefits, including stronger immunity, relief from asthma, increased testosterone, and “substantially improved success with women.”Airmen who complete the bear phase then advance to what the protocol calls “natural urinary supplementation,” which requires drinking warm snake urine directly from a live snake.“I would've preferred literal snake oil — whatever the hell that is — to drinking piss from a western rat snake again,” said Airman Mike Smith, who survived the treatment. “I'll give RFK Jr. this: he definitely knows how to get the snake to cooperate.”Military physicians reportedly raised concerns about the protocol, but said current guidance discouraged recommending vaccines unless specifically asked by the patient, their chain of command, or a bear.“We had a vaccine that worked,” one physician said on condition of anonymity. “Instead we're conducting survival training with influenza.”The physician added that healthy vaccinated young adults face an extremely low risk of dying from influenza and that vaccination remains dramatically safer than “whatever this is.”Despite the criticism, Pentagon officials defended the policy.“We had 284 confirmed influenza cases,” said Air Force spokesman Maj. Frank Bevins. “Only one airman died following treatment.”He paused.“I mean... that's not terrible, right?”Kennedy called the outbreak a validation of his medical philosophy.“The protocol... worked,” he said. “The airman... went... into... the forest. The virus... stayed... in... the forest. That's... science.”White House officials also praised the initiative.“We saved taxpayers millions by not wasting money on vaccines or antiviral drugs,” President Donald Trump said. “Plus, we're hearing incredible things about the bears. Very healthy bears.”🖊️SECDEF_Nice served in Army Civil Affairs and specialized in failing to influence populations and occasionally his own chain-of-command. Follow him at Foxhole Briefs, Twitter, Facebook, or Instagram.
Marines discover fire
NEW YORK — A controversial United Nations report released this week concluded that the U.S. Marine Corps has officially entered a new stage of cognitive development after multiple independent observers documented Marines intentionally creating fire and using primitive tools.
U.N. Secretary-General António Guterres called the findings "a reality-altering development" and urged world leaders to remain calm.
"For decades we believed the technological ceiling for Homo marinus erectus was opening Meals, Ready-to-Eat with rocks," Guterres said. "We now know they are capable of combining sticks to produce controlled combustion."
Researchers say Marines diverged from the evolutionary path of Homo sapiens roughly two million years ago and have long been recognized within the scientific community as a distinct branch of humanity.
Retired Marine Gen. James Mattis, who has spent years advocating for the preservation of Marine habitats, described the discovery as "the greatest leap forward in Marine history."
"For generations we knew they were different," Mattis said. "Now they’re stacking sticks together and intentionally making fire. I don’t think we’ll ever stop them from eating crayons, but today proves they’re capable of learning."
The report also documented early evidence of cultural development after one Marine used charcoal from the fire to draw what experts believe was either a map of the area or...
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'You can’t fire me, I quit!' Gen. Donahue says as he rolls a joint
WASHINGTON — Hours after reports emerged that Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth had removed Gen. Christopher Donahue from command, Donahue insisted the decision was entirely mutual and that he had been planning to leave the Army all along.“You can’t fire me,” Donahue told reporters. “I quit.”Witnesses said Donahue made the announcement while wearing an unbuttoned Army service uniform, aviator sunglasses, and smoking what appeared to be a joint.“I’ve done my duty,” Donahue said. “I didn’t join the Army to become a politician. I joined to protect America. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have a standing meeting with freedom.”Known as the last American service member to depart Afghanistan in 2021, Donahue spent decades accepting difficult assignments and fighting America's enemies around the world before reportedly discovering that his most dangerous foes were back in Washington.
VA found dead in Capitol Hill parking lot in apparent suicide
WASHINGTON — The Department of Veterans Affairs was found dead early Tuesday in a Capitol Hill parking lot from what authorities described as an apparent self-inflicted gunshot wound.Officials stopped short of ruling the death a suicide but confirmed that a note was recovered and that foul play is not suspected.According to sources familiar with the note, the VA blamed years of abuse by successive administrations, including budget cuts, hiring freezes, leadership turnover, public condemnation, and repeated demands to immediately solve problems created by those same policies.In recent months, the VA had appeared exhausted following restructuring efforts after the appointment of Doug Collins, who promised to “bring accountability” to an agency long accused of the radical act of attempting to care for veterans.“This wasn’t a surprise,” said one longtime employee. “The mission used to be what Lincoln said: ‘To care for him who shall have borne the battle, and for his widow, and his orphan.’ Lately it’s been more like, ‘Hey buddy, go fuck yourself. Never mind your wife and kids.’”Employees described a familiar cycle dating back decades.“First you cut staffing,” one employee said. “Then you freeze hiring. Then you accuse us of being inefficient. Then you demand shorter wait times without restoring any of the people you laid off.”Congressional leaders from both parties expressed shock while pledging vigorous oversight, widely understood to mean additional hearings asking why the VA failed to function properly after repeatedly being instructed not to function properly.The note also referenced what it described as “administrative elimination through omission,” a process in which programs authorized by Congress quietly disappear through policy changes rather than legislation.Vocational Rehabilitation and Employment was reportedly placed into “strategic latency,” a condition in which a program technically exists but becomes increasingly difficult to access.“No politician wants to vote against veterans,” said one congressional aide. “It’s much easier to praise veterans publicly while quietly making benefits harder to receive.”Observers said the agency had exhibited warning signs for years.“It was an abusive relationship,” one analyst said. “Every budget season started with ‘We love veterans,’ followed immediately by ‘How do we spend less on these suckers?’”Plans for a memorial service are underway. Attendance is expected to be bipartisan.At press time, lawmakers had announced a task force to determine how the VA allowed this tragedy to happen to itself.
New ‘every Marine is a pilot’ ethos proves disastrous
Corps says replacing flight training with confidence has produced mixed results
Daily Mash
The Cornish WW2 Midwife Wedding at the Primrose Cottage Bookshop, and other books your mum is reading this summer
LOOKING for a holiday read that actively lowers your intelligence? Take inspiration from the shite your retired mother claims to enjoy:
The Cornish WW2 Midwife Wedding at the Primrose Cottage Bookshop
‘It’s 1941 and Grace Wood-Morris is a talented midwife delivering adorable babies and keeping spirits up through the turmoil of the Blitz. Nothing can distract her from her forceps – until she finds herself falling for a certain handsome Newquay bookshop owner, who always has a cup of tea and a Jane Austen on hand.’
My Forbidden Mob Boss Love
‘Lucy Parry is the sheltered daughter of a Mafia boss, who falls for the tattooed enforcer son of his greatest rival. But while in a secret relationship with him, she sleeps with his brother. Their clandestine encounter sees her catch the eye of a brutal but sensitive Yakuza enforcer. Does she dare follow her heart?’
Murder With Mayo in the Garden Centre Café
‘In this cosy crime caper, grouchy pensioner Margaret Gerving teams up with the spotty teen behind the exotic fish counter to solve the violent bludgeoning death of a wealthy garden gnome magnate. The debut novel by one of the Chasers off The Chase.’
The Farmer’s Plough Girl
‘Rural Ireland, 1890. Red-haired beauty Mary Fisher dreams of a life far from her spiteful stepmother and six vile stepsisters. But when she falls pregnant out of wedlock, she discovers her life has only extremely Catholic cruelties to offer, including but not limited to whip-wielding nuns making her pull a plough with her teeth.’
Second Chances at the Swordfish Taverna
‘Recently widowed Donna Sheridan goes to Greece to scatter her husband’s ashes and to gaze pensively at various sunsets. She has given up on love when she accidentally flashes a boob at sexy bar owner Yiannis, who, in broken, sexy English, teaches her how to love and laugh again.’
Full Moon Reaming, book three of the I Banged A Werewolf saga
‘When Emma met Clark, he didn’t tell her why he disappeared every full moon and explained the feathers littering his apartment as a ‘burst pillow’. But now she knows he’s a werewolf – and fighting an ancient war against vampires, fairies, gnomes, mummies and zombies. So why is she so attracted to the new pixie in her life?’
The Dead Don’t Leave Answerphone Messages
‘Ex-copper Carolyn Ryan thinks her dark past hunting Manchester-based serial killers is behind her. But when she picks up the phone and hears the voice of her long-dead commanding officer on the end of the line, she knows she must once again face the terror she thought she had banished in that rain-slick alley in Crumpsall.’
We ask you: What sport are you going to follow now football’s shit?
WHETHER you’re English, Scottish, or God help you French, football has been scientifically proven to be a shit sport for shitheads. What are you into instead?
Nathan Muir, bathroom fitter: “What do England consistently win at? Rugby? Cricket? Formula One? Tennis? None of them? F**k it, I’m getting bang into the arts.”
Eleanor Shaw, DVD restorer: “Actually, I’m now completely addicted to the feeling of agonising, eviscerated defeat, that horrible sinking sensation of all your hopes lying dismembered on the floor. So I think dog-fighting.”
Denys Finch Hatton, website moderator: “It’s got to be kabaddi. There’s no media coverage, no teams anywhere near me, and I don’t know the rules so I wouldn’t know if we’d lost. Bliss.”
Sophie Rodriguez, graduate student: “You’ve heard of Ultimate Fighting Championship? I’m into Penultimate Fighting Championship. It’s just the part where their mates try to separate them saying ‘it’s not worth it’.”
Norman Steele, actuarial calculator: “You know there’s Rugby Union and Rugby League? I’ve invented a third one: Rugby Unami.”
In just two years, Keir Starmer has destroyed Britain
By Julian Cook on the behalf of the British people, for the Daily Telegraph
REMEMBER June 2024? When Britain was a paradise? When taxes were low, public services thriving, the armed forces roaring with power?
Back then, there was no deficit. Britain wasn’t in a penny of debt. NHS waiting lists were so low patients were getting hip replacements they neither needed nor requested. The ratio of police to public was roughly three to one, the same as teachers to pupils.
Our prisons were so empty their inmates’ chief problem was loneliness and the boats had been stopped, apart from fishermen bringing home record post-Brexit catches.
Then what happened? A catastrophic administrative error by the electorate ended in an accidental Labour landslide. And Starmergeddon.
Since 2024? Immigrants. Riots. Problems with Thames Water. A cost-of-living crisis such as the world has never seen. Jeremy Clarkson battling cancer.
A country hopelessly, desperately in hock to foreign powers. Prisons overflowing. Policemen as rarely seen as the Scottish capercaillie. School forced to close their doors, leaving children on the streets for the next six weeks.
Seven in ten farmers committing suicide. The NHS constructing nine-mile long corridors simply to treat patients in. Net Zero causing unprecedented heatwaves. The chance to join a exciting and popular war in Iran inexplicably missed.
Make no mistake, this is all Starmer’s doing. As he steps down, his legacy of hating landlords, business, pubs and Brexit is secure. He leaves behind him a country broken.
Forget Burnham. There is only one escape. At the next general election, which is surely soon in the name of common decency, we must all vote Conservative. Or Reform. Or Restore. Or any combination of the three. Whoever’s furthest right.
Five other situations and how I would stupidly f**k them up, by Thomas Tuchel
A World Cup semi-final is not the only situation Thomas Tuchel can stupidly fumble. Here he explains other activities he likes to screw up.
Organising a stag do
Strippers and a bar crawl? Too predictable. The last night of freedom should be a taste of married life. My itinerary involves a trip to IKEA on a Sunday afternoon, then an argument over something trivial when the groom is trying to get to sleep. I’ll only invite his exes, and I’ll keep everyone entertained by sleeping with his bride-to-be.
Parallel parking
Neatly slotting your car into a row of vehicles is boring and takes forever. I much prefer to get 80 per cent of the way there, then reverse over the car behind me, set fire to my vehicle, then walk away without leaving my insurance details. Back-seat drivers can criticise me all they want, but at the end of the day the other cars were better and wanted it more.
Ordering a takeaway
Apps have made ordering a mid-week Chinese far too straightforward. For the best results you’re better off phoning them from somewhere with terrible signal while having no idea what you want from the menu. As for your delivery address, give them vague instructions then get pissed off when they’re understandably annoyed. The terrible decision I made to only order spring rolls can hardly be pinned on me.
Defusing a bomb
Common sense would suggest you evacuate the area and alert bomb disposal experts who can snip the right wires. Where’s the fun in that though? It would be much better to put the explosive in a suitcase and try to take it through an airport scanner. Security could do with some excitement and will surely thank you for livening up their day.
Breaking up with someone
Only cowards follow the playbook of finding a quiet place, gently telling your partner how you feel, then thanking them for your time together. My strategy is all about shock and awe. I dump them halfway through a candlelit dinner, show them the matches I’ve already got on dating apps, and finish off by hitting on the waitress. Sounds crazy but it gets results. Tearful, tearful results.
Today, I become Labour leader. Big f**king deal
AT lunchtime today, I will be made the leader of the Labour Party. Whoop-di-f**king-woo. Think I give a shit about that?
Labour leader. As if that’s something to be proud of. As if it’s not a badge of shame to wear for the next 72 hours before I become prime minister.
Maybe in 2010 it would have meant something to be Labour leader, but you gave it to Ed Miliband. Great f**king idea that was. Or in 2015, when the party chose Jeremy Corbyn instead. Only cost us two elections and Brexit, that one. Brilliant move.
Honestly, at that point I was done. Better buggering off to Manchester than hanging around with Jezza and his Marxism Today marrow-humpers. I wasn’t initially going to become mayor but 20 failed job interviews convinced me I wasn’t qualified for anything else.
Now, improbably, one more f**k-up of a Labour leader later, I’m the party’s new darling. Elected leader unopposed. About bloody time, but parliamentary procedure means I’m leader today but don’t get the big job until Monday.
So how does it feel to lead the Labour party after all these years? A ballache, mate. An appointment made for administrative reasons. A shitload of pointless paperwork.
I’m giving a speech later like it’s a milestone, but it’s not the big speech, is it? That’s Monday on Downing Street. Might even wear a tie for that one. This one is, like the job I’m getting today, unnecessary busywork.
So when you see headlines saying ‘Burnham made Labour leader’ and think ‘so what?’ I’m right there with you. Still, means it’s not on me when England lose tomorrow.
The Poke
Donald Trump was asked about his renewed bombing of Iran and he didn’t just say the quiet part out loud, he bellowed it
The Donald Trump Administration loves to brag about its transparency. President Trump plasters his face all over the news every day. It’s actually hard to escape him. Unfortunately, this doesn’t necessarily mean he is going to tell the truth. Unless it’s by accident. Which brings us to this Q&A with the US President about his […]
The Poke.
Pete Hegseth’s defence of his shocking seaside flyby stunt was even dumber and more dangerous than the idea itself – 16 full throttle takedowns
America continues to try peacock its way through a disastrous second Trump term. The guy puffing his chest out the most might be the most dangerous right now. Pete Hegseth has taking hypermasculinity to ridiculous new lows recently. First, he announces that he’s going to start injecting American soldiers with testosterone. Now he’s harassing American […]
The Poke.
This meteorologist’s epic takedown of a GB News presenter over climate change gets more relevant by the day
Here’s a rather fabulous thing from back in the day, after GB News invited the Met Office’s John Hammond to chat about a series of hot weather warnings in the UK (sound familiar? Of course it sounds familiar!). Presenter Bev Turner wasn’t overly concerned, and tried to laugh it off with that climate sceptics’ favourite […]
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‘What’s an oddly specific sign that someone is about to become a problem?’ – 17 subtle red flags to look out for
Every now and then you’ll run into someone who turns out to be a little off, a little troublesome. It’s an annoyingly unavoidable fact of life. With a bit of experience though, you can pick up on who is going to cause you trouble. And to help you recognise these warning signs, IBlametheDJ put the […]
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Donald Trump’s latest election rigging claims are so out there even Fox News got the fear – 13 vote-winning responses
Donald Trump’s been busy ramping up his claims about rigged elections in a televised address to the American people (well, some of them) on Thursday. It’s not just the 2020 vote that Trump’s wanting on about now, he’s also suggesting that electronic voting machines are vulnerable and easily compromised. Almost as if he’s getting his […]
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