OWENSBORO, KY—Insisting that the Winter Olympic sport was “basically just lying there and letting gravity happen,” local man Michael Chou correctly declared Tuesday that he could totally compete in luge and it wouldn’t be that difficult. “Not to shit on these guys, but c’mon, if you can successfully go down a waterslide, you’ve pretty much got what it takes to luge in the Olympics,” said Chou, who fairly noted that unlike other Olympic events, luge required no real lifelong dedication because “it’s not like you have a luge run in your backyard that you can go out and practice on every day growing up.” “I mean, there isn’t even a steering wheel or anything. It’s literally just lie down, point your feet, and don’t fall off—the same skill set that goes into using a couch.” Chou added that he didn’t understand why curling was the sport everyone made fun of when it actually requires “an insane amount of skill and precision,” unlike luge, where you could “honestly send down a sled full of sandbags and still probably get on the podium.”

The post ‘I Could Totally Do That,’ Says Correct Man Watching Luge Event appeared first on The Onion.

CHICAGO—Seeking to expand beyond sports coverage into radical new forms and expressions, Barstool Sports announced Monday that it would soon launch Confluences, a literary journal featuring book reviews, flash fiction, and in-depth arts criticism.

Representatives at the sports website told reporters that Confluences would allow Barstool staff to supplement their usual output of fantasy football rankings, piss-based shenanigans, and GIFs of obese pets with the kind of cultural commentary found in The Paris Review and n+1. The journal will be available both online and as a quarterly, 200‑page volume published through the University of Chicago Press.

“For years, Barstool contributors have recapped UFC fights and posted jaw-dropping SEC smoke shows, all while privately engaging in rigorous literary criticism, and we’re excited to finally share this passion with our loyal Stoolies,” said site founder Dave Portnoy, noting that as the new journal’s editor, he had already commissioned a three-part essay on Susan Sontag’s early work from longtime Barstool personality PFT Commenter. “Whether it’s an interview with Ayad Akhtar on theater’s power in the face of oppression or a review of Ocean Vuong’s latest poetry collection, this will naturally complement our ongoing touchdown dance compilations and debates over the best Nickelodeon cartoons of the ’90s.”

He added, “As intellectuals, we are equally interested in the postcolonial installation art of Guiller-
mo Gómez-Peña and humorous photo mockups depicting John Daly as Santa Claus, and we expect our readers will welcome this broadening of focus.”

Portnoy confirmed that Confluences would explore numerous disciplines, with its debut issue set to include long-form essays on the intersectional limits of third-wave feminism, the unpublished correspondence of Roland Barthes, and the best breakfast tacos in Austin, TX, as well as blackout poetry composed with cut-up Bang Energy labels and a piece from literary historian Stephen Greenblatt outlining various potential College Football Playoff wagering scenarios.

The magazine is also expected to serve as a coveted destination for contemporary writers in a range of creative fields—including such luminaries as Zadie Smith, Hilton Als, and Glenny Balls—with Pulitzer Prize finalist Ta-
Nehisi Coates scheduled to author a retrospective on the year’s craziest parking lot beatdowns.

According to sources, Confluences will also publish a 400-line prose poem adapted from a recent blog post by Barstool contributor John Feitelberg and titled “I Shit My Pants At Julian Edelman’s House.”

“Our goal is simply to advance, fearlessly, into the maelstrom of the great ontological and phenomenological inquiries of our era while also counting down a list of the funniest-looking Japanese baseball mascots,” said Portnoy, noting that the journal’s operations were made possible due to generous financial grants from the National Endowment for the Arts and Zyn-brand nicotine pouches. “What is the role of the arts in a fully digitized society? How do we reconcile the ancient Greek ideal of kalos kagathos with the constraints of postmodern aestheticism? What does the girl from Ferris Bueller’s Day Off look like now? These are just some of the dialectics we’ll be grappling with.”

“Also, the one-bite pizza reviews will be presented by Salman Rushdie until further notice,” he added.

At press time, Confluences was reportedly hosting an online livestream in which 12 Barstool employees sat in recliners and reacted to the latest soundscape from multimedia artist Camille Norment.

The post Barstool Sports Spins Off New Literary Journal appeared first on The Onion.

YARMOUTH, ME—As he bemoaned yet another day of the same infuriating routine from one of the message board’s biggest assholes, local man Kyle Parker confirmed Friday that AmigaraEnigma_9x9, his rival on AnimeNation.com, was up to his usual horseshit. “It’s not even noon, and he’s already being a huge prick to someone who just said they kind of liked the Demon Slayer Hashira arc,” said Parker, who sighed audibly as he saw his nemesis up to his typical bullshit of poisoning the well in otherwise perfectly civil discussions of anime, manga, video games, and Japanese culture. “It was silly to think he’d finally shut the fuck up after someone politely pointed out that literally no one but him thinks the Berserk OVAs are superior to the 1997 original. After all, this is the person who essentially haunts the fan art section so he can tear some poor teenager’s drawings to shreds. Genuinely, what a nightmare.” Sources later reported that Parker had rapidly typed out a perfect 700-word response to his insufferable rival on the definition of filler episodes, a post he began with the phrase “You are mistaken.” 

The post Rival On AnimeNation.com Up To His Usual Horseshit appeared first on The Onion.

The post Ron Howard Molts Baseball Cap To Grow Warmer Hat For Winter appeared first on The Onion.

You can accept a four-bed colonial for $450,000…or take your chances on the mystery house!

Reference #68379

The post Mystery House appeared first on The Onion.

HEAVEN — Old habits from life on Earth seemed to be challenging to break, as reports from Heaven indicated that Saint Peter was seen trying to explain to John the Baptist that he didn't have to eat bugs anymore.

Bad Bunny broke down barriers at this year's Super Bowl by putting on a show that only 15% of the viewing audience could understand, which has people wondering how the NFL will follow it up.

U.S. — In an effort to expand the global market for American football, the National Football League announced on Tuesday that next year's Super Bowl halftime show would be performed entirely in Sindarin Elvish.

RICHMOND, VA — In a blatant and callous display of colonialism, local wife Jennifer Carlin refused to return the land she stole from her husband John's side of the bed last night.

CORTINA D'AMPEZZO — After suffering a nasty fall on the slopes during the women's downhill competition, American skier Lindsey Vonn announced that she had joined the U.S. Paralympics team.

Unfortunately, your little relaxing break from work to do a quick exercise video just took a seriously bizarre turn, because the guy in this one-minute stretching video keeps saying it’s okay if dark, unsettling thoughts come up.

Like, what the fuck does he think is going to happen to you mentally during this brief physical warm-up?

Despite the fact that he’s just spending 56 seconds showing viewers how to do a basic stretch, the guy in the video, “Matthew_Fitness,” is using up a lot of time reminding you that this pose might “unearth unexpected emotions.” Literally as soon as he gets down on a yoga mat and assumes what’s basically just the figure four stretch, he faces the camera to say, “If uncomfy feelings start to surface, don’t fight them. Sit with the darkness. It’s okay.”

Sure… but why would that happen during a video titled “Glute Stretch – Do Twice A Day?”

After instructing viewers to “sink deeper into the pose,” Matthew_Fitness then closes his eyes and while shaking his head, saying, “You are not who you were. That person is no longer you,” which again, sure, but literally what does that have to do with briefly trying to loosen up your glutes because you spend all day sitting at a desk? Unfortunately, that question remains unanswered as the video ends with a single tear rolling down Matthew_Fitness’s cheek as he says “It has been a pleasure moving with you. Namaste.” 

Alrighty then. While we can probably guess that he’s referring to how the body stores some kind of trauma that can be released through stretching, it seems crazy that a video like this would unleash that, and if you think that’s what’s going to happen during this one short stretch, then you are likely deeply mentally unwell yourself. Cheers!

Well, well, well, it looks like public infrastructure is getting pretty spicy in the Pacific Northwest: Seattle is giving the figure on their city’s crosswalk signals a BBL.

Oh yes…yes, please! Move over grunge, coffee, and rainy weather: Seattle’s now the U.S. capital of surgically enhanced butts overlooking crosswalks!

After Seattle’s City Council voted to give the figure on their crosswalk signals a Brazilian butt lift last month, the city has officially begun rolling out their new and posteriorly-improved crosswalk character. Now, Seattle pedestrians will know it’s safe to cross a street when they see an outrageously curvy but otherwise featureless stick figure on the crosswalk signal, rather than a flat-assed twink. Seattle Mayor Katie B. Wilson explained that the decision to bootify the city’s crosswalk symbols was based on a desire to “spice things up” and “make the simple act of crossing a street a little erotic,” nothing more.

“We could sit here and pretend like giving our crosswalk figures a rounder, fuller ass was for some sort of public safety reason or progressive gesture, but the truth is, we just thought they would look good with a donk, so we gave them a donk-and-then-some, and yup, theory confirmed, they look good as hell,” wrote Mayor Wilson in an Instagram post announcing the fatter asses now gracing their crosswalk signs. “In Seattle, crossing the street is an erotic adventure, where observing pedestrian walking laws is rewarded with a front row view of an incredible, BBL-ified ass. I’ve already noticed people walking a little slower, to really take in that crosswalk cake. The results speak for themselves.”

We need much, much more of this in ALL American cities!

Well, if you ever see someone walking around with their pants tented up (from an erection), it’s safe to assume they just crossed a street in Seattle. What an amazing, cost effective way to make life a little more exciting for a city’s residents! Here’s to Seattle, America’s newly-crowned spiciest town!

Well, after right-wingers and left-wingers alike have been waiting with bated breath for what seemed like an eternity, the latest Epstein files dump is finally here. And while, as expected, the files have been significantly redacted and appear to be missing key pieces of information, there is something pretty neat going on: This latest Epstein files dump has been redacted in a way where the remaining words tell an epic story about an icy kingdom ruled by a giant skeleton king named “Archmarian of The Frostland.”

Wow! Even though this gives the appearance that Trump’s Justice Department is definitely trying to hide something, it’s still pretty creative! 

The latest dump contains over three million pages of emails, reports, and documents pertaining to investigations into the late financier and convicted sex offender, all of which have been redacted so that they tell an epic dark fantasy tale in the spirit of George R.R. Martin or J.R.R. Tolkien. There’s no doubt that it was a real challenge for Trump’s DOJ to redact the massive trove of documents in a way that not only concealed any wrongdoing by Trump and his associates, but also whisked readers away into a frostbitten kingdom of The Frostland, a world of brutal warfare and powerful magic ruled by an ancient evil. 

Check out some of their incredible handiwork here! 

Wow! We can’t wait to wade through the remaining 3.5 million pages and find out what happens to Archmarian and his reign of icy terror!

Yep, folks, this is how you redact documents to protect powerful people who have committed unthinkable crimes. While releasing the unredacted Epstein files may have helped bring many powerful people to justice, at least this version shows that creativity and imagination still exist in a world that is getting darker by the day. This is pretty damned neat!

Well, here’s some downright incredible luck: This woman who always seems to have a bunch of stuff wrong with her also happens to be a treasure trove of natural remedies. 

Dang. What are the odds?!

Twenty-seven-year-old food co-op cashier Alyssa Hendricks completely hit the jackpot with her rare combination of traits: She suffers from nearly every malady under the sun, but is also an absolute walking encyclopedia of natural remedies. Whenever a friend makes any mention of not feeling so hot, Alyssa will chime in with, “Colloidal silver completely cleared up my last ear infection,” or, “Dry needling was a complete game changer when I had frozen shoulder syndrome.” Yep, it seems like there isn’t a single thing that Alyssa can come down with (which she does quite often) that she doesn’t have some sort of natural cure at the ready for. 

“Alyssa stayed with me when her apartment was being sprayed for bed bugs last summer,” said her coworker Sarah Martin. “She was only at my place for five days, but it was remarkable how many things went wrong with her that she was able to treat with her knowledge of alternative medicine. Candida, Lyme disease, nighttime anxiety …every time something popped up, she just so happened to know the best homeopathic or naturopathic way of treating it. How one person can both get sick with so many things and treat them successfully with alternative medicine is beyond me. It was incredible!”

Wow. Someone take this woman to Vegas, because she seems lucky as hell!

While Alyssa is still working on the right combination of herbal remedies to cure her long Covid, EMF sensitivity, and TMJ, her wealth of natural healing knowledge has cleared up dozens of ailments in the past month alone. Keep rubbing that rabbit’s foot, Alyssa, because you possess a truly remarkable amount of luck!

Whether you’re a META stockholder or just a casual Facebook user, get ready to get pumped, because Facebook is making a major change that’s going to make everyone’s lives so much easier: Facebook has announced that instead of flagging all the misinformation, they’re just going to start flagging the actual information. 

So much yes! Talk about improving efficiency. 

Despite significantly reducing their threshold for what can be considered misinformation after Trump’s reelection in 2024, Facebook still has its hands full with attempting to control the misinformation and blatant propaganda that frequently circulates on its site. From foreign bot farms to AI deepfakes, a tipping point has been reached where the vast majority of posts circulating Facebook are dubious, misleading, and downright harmful. But a simple tweak to their misinformation policy is about to make the lives of Facebook’s fact checkers and users alike so much easier, as Facebook will now operate on the presumption that every post you see is bullshit unless it’s specifically denoted as not being such. 

“From now on, if you see something on Facebook, you can just go ahead and assume it’s not information unless we’ve specifically flagged it as such,” explained Meta CEO Mark Zuckerberg. “This policy change is a win for both Facebook users and our poor, overworked fact checkers. If the video or post you’re seeing in your feed is a real thing that actually happened, it will display a green checkmark denoting that it contains actual information. Posts which contain lies about vaccines that some person just made up, AI videos of brave soldiers cleaning barnacles off of whales, and other nonsense can just be assumed to be dumb crap. If users see a post they feel may contain actual information, they are free to flag the post and our staff of highly trained fact checkers will review the post within 24 days and flag it if it is determined to be information.”

Wow. Seems like this is something they should have done a long time ago. 

But there’s more! Another cool feature that Facebook is implementing is the ability to filter the actual information out of your feed, which will be the default setting on all accounts and can be turned off by navigating to Settings>Information>Show Information In My Feed>Yes. This move makes a lot of sense, Facebook!

WASHINGTON — Following the U.S. State Department’s recent switch from Calibri to Times New Roman, the Pentagon announced it would also be updating its typography standards. The update was delivered via an official photo posted on X, showing Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth unveiling the new policy on Department of War letterhead.

The letter read:

Hey warriors, losers, and ladies,

The Department of Defense used some lame, gay font, but we are not the Department of Defense anymore. We are the Department of WAR!!!!!!!!!!

By my direction as Secretary of WAR, we will now only be using Comic Sans.

Hegseth went on to explain that Comic Sans is “more clear and easier to read,” but clarified that the readability was “not in a woke way.”

“It’s tough. And cool,” the memo continued. “It is a way better font than Calibri. Oswald looks okay, I guess. But it makes me think of Lee Harvey Oswald. Jury’s still out on that guy.”

The letter made clear that Arial is now strictly prohibited, describing it as “UNACCEPTABLE!!”

“Never again will the Department of WAR lower itself to a gross, dumb font that looks fragile,” Hegseth wrote. “Comic Sans is the best font. Courier New is also pretty neat because it looks like a typewriter, which is basically a gun for words.”

MANHATTAN, N.Y. — While recently drinking with a college friend who is now a private wealth manager, witnesses at a Financial District club say Marine Col. Josh Peterson made the night uncomfortable by repeatedly insisting he “would have totally gone private equity” but “would have punched a managing director in the face.”

The serving infantry regiment commander and veteran of Iraq, Afghanistan, and Syria swayed as he leaned in to explain this career crossroads to 37-year-old Matt Friedlander, a Harvard MBA who has never once considered another person’s welfare.

“Bro, you guys are the best of the best,” Peterson said. “I almost got my MBA. Totally wanted to. But my dad wanted me to kill the enemies of America.”

WASHINGTON — Officials with Immigration and Customs Enforcement are warning of a looming recruiting crisis after discovering that not enough Americans are failing the ASVAB, sources confirmed today.

“ICE desperately needs more recruits who cannot pass this very simple diagnostic test,” said Todd M. Lyons, the agency’s acting director, during a press conference at the Washington Field Office.

The Armed Services Vocational Aptitude Battery, or ASVAB, is a standardized test used by the U.S. military to assess aptitude for service and job placement.

“The simple truth is that not enough young dummies are scoring poorly in areas like arithmetic reasoning, word knowledge, and mechanical comprehension,” Lyons said. “That presents a serious manpower challenge for an organization like ICE, which depends on those exact deficiencies.”

According to the ICE Management and Administration Directorate, the number of applicants who completely bomb the test — a non-negotiable prerequisite for ICE service — has fallen to historic lows.

“The number of young dipshits — our preferred demographic — who are disqualified from military service is becoming vanishingly small,” said Executive Associate Director Susan C. Dunbar. “It’s a real problem for us, since we are the preeminent federal agency staffed almost entirely by boneheads.”

ICE officials say too many potential recruits are now scoring well enough to qualify for what the agency calls ‘genius-level military jobs, relative to ICE.’

“Kids are taking jobs like Army infantryman or Marine wall-licker, which leaves the cupboard pretty bare for us,” said Dunbar.

In response, ICE has begun exploring aggressive, outside-the-box recruiting solutions.

“We’re developing a pre-course before the Enforcement Academy,” Lyons said. “Recruits will be trained on how to disable critical thinking, suppress pattern recognition, and confidently misunderstand basic facts. We’ll also cover how to embarrass the United States internationally and drag down a sitting president’s approval rating.”

These actions show that ICE is not taking things lying down, which is what Alex Pretti was doing when they shot him ten times. 

The agency is also rolling out a proposed ‘racism waiver,’ allowing applicants who score too well on the ASVAB to remain eligible if they can demonstrate sufficient ideological commitment to prejudice.

“That was Miller’s idea,” Lyons said, referencing Stephen Miller, a level-150 racist serving in the White House.

Despite the challenges, ICE leadership remains optimistic.

“We know that with enough grit and determination, we can still unlock this nation’s incompetence,” Dunbar said, moments before walking directly into a locked glass door.

Guy who almost joined military now enjoying career as ICE agent

He may still join the military, but only after his mom gets back from Bingo.

Duffel BlogClay Beyersdorfer

Project 2025 to cut veterans

GOP blueprint offers bold vision to sacrifice those who have sacrificed

Duffel BlogClay Beyersdorfer

‘Near Veterans’ Seek Recognition For Almost Serving In Military

Veterans often find it difficult to relate their experiences to friends and family, but a new organization is working to expand that brotherhood.

Duffel BlogDuffel Blog Staff

ICE deports Sergeant Major of the Marine Corps

Commandant vows swift justice, new Sergeant Major by close of business

Duffel BlogDark Laughter

Marine Commandant realizes this is just how it’s going to be now

Commandant confirms it’s not temporary dysfunction—it’s the mission.

Duffel BlogRed Friday

WASHINGTON — At a press conference today, Adm. Daryl Caudle, Chief of Naval Operations, revealed that the U.S. Navy’s enlisted ranks were, in fact, entirely made up.

“Gotcha,” Caudle said.

Flanked by grinning senior Navy leaders, Caudle explained that the service’s bewildering enlisted hierarchy — long a source of confusion for the other branches — was actually a prank as old as the nation itself. An accompanying press release from the Office of the Naval Historian stated that the elaborate hoax dates back to Revolutionary-era tensions between Esek Hopkins, the Navy’s first commander, and Gen. George Washington, owing to the latter’s preeminence and nominal control over the Continental Navy.

In a letter to his wife, Hopkins reportedly wrote:

“Gen’l Washington is a pricke. He bears himself with such sanctimony one’d think the Almighty’d granted him command by thunderbolt. In truth, the man’s a pompous, overweening popinjay, and I’ll be damn’d if I heed the counsel of so preenin’ a fop — leastwise not one who sees the Navy as naught but his waterborne mule-train.”

According to historians, Hopkins devised the “improv’d ranke” system during a binge on plundered Bahamian rum with his crew. In notes from his logbook, he described with great pride the petty ruse played on “that right bastard with wood’n teeth and a disposition to match,” tricking the famously straight-laced Washington into inadvertently using the foul language of a common sailor.

Of the Navy’s most basic enlisted rank, Hopkins wrote:

“I’ll name ‘em Seamen, spelled right but soundin’ wrong — and next time the goode Virginian’s troops need their arses saved, he’ll be beggin’ me fer all semen he can get, with nary a clue he’d saved his boys, but made an arse of hisself. The joke’ll outlive us all.”

Hopkins further decreed that enlisted sailors would simply invent their own ranks as they saw fit, but present them “solemn as Sunday,” ensuring soldiers would assume any confusion stemmed from their own ignorance rather than Navy fuckery. As the prank evolved through the 19th century, limited standardization was introduced to better conceal the deceit, generally restricting ranks to a few capital letters followed by numbers that looked official enough from a distance.

“My Labradoodle’s name is Mr. Gumballs and I was born in 2002,” explained MRG02 Bethany Evanchuk, a public affairs E-3 taking photos at the press conference. “It just felt right.”

Her supervisor, BBC69 Carissa Nowak, said such choices were common.

“We usually just pick something we like,” she said, declining to explain hers.

Editor’s note: This is an opinion piece by Bradley K. Morrow, a Marine Corps veteran whose interests include security theory, gym culture, online patriotism, and constitutional law.

Since the shooting of Alex Pretti, I’ve been getting lots of questions about the “Come and Take Them” tattoo on my forearm, and I want to make something very clear: that tattoo is about my rights, not my guns. And though my font choice and the Spartan helmet next to it may seem intimidating, “come and take them” is meant in more of a flirty, consensual, “I bet you won’t, you big strong government” kind of way.

Even the ancient Spartans would agree. In fact, the quote “Molon Labe” was famously said by Gerard Butler in the historically accurate documentary 300, which was about fighting to keep immigrants out of your country. Not a rifle in sight.

Have I posted stuff on social media about guns before? Yeah, but that’s unrelated. Is my Instagram profile pic of me open-carrying an AR-15 in a Subway restaurant in 2021? Sure. But I was only doing that to show respect for law enforcement and my fellow citizens. In fact, if instead of turkey subs those sandwich artists had been serving up constitutionally protected dissent, I would’ve fully expected the cops to shoot me, and frankly I’d have understood.

It’s obvious we have too many rights in this country, and I’m not even talking about the dumb ones like allowing women to vote. Just skim the Bill of Rights sometime. Sure, freedom of speech sounds good — and I’m enjoying being able to call people gay retards at work again — but what if someone uses their freedom of speech to say mean things about law enforcement? You’re telling me someone can call ICE officers the Gestapo without being violently arrested?

That doesn’t sound like freedom to me, pal. That sounds like woke.

People aren’t even familiar with what their actual rights are anymore. The Second Amendment literally says you have the right to bear arms unless you are interfering with law enforcement doing their jobs. And by “their jobs” I mean pushing around random women and pepper-spraying them for saying the word ‘fascist.’

ICE officers have an incredibly hard job. All they hear is how no one respects them. And on top of that, they’re in constant danger arresting the worst of the worst criminals, plus anyone else they feel like at the time. Minneapolis is basically Fallujah right now. Do you know how many ICE officers have been killed? I assume it’s not zero, because that would be awkward for my argument.

TEENAGE daughter brought home a slouching yob with a leather jacket riding a 125cc scooter like it’s a Harley? Want to end their misbegotten relationship ASAP? Here’s how: 

Pretend to like him

Nothing will dim the appeal of this iconoclastic rebel more than boring old dad’s approval. Invite him to sit down for a single malt. Get him telling his most outrageous anecdotes and reply with stories from your own wild youth, emphasising how dull you’ve become. Your daughter’s lust for him will slowly be replaced by a feeling of sick revulsion.

Dig the dirt

He’ll have a shady past and today’s youth live half of it online, so enlist the help of your most Insta-obsessed friend and get digging. If you find a drug-dealing criminal record, conceal it. You’re looking for footage of him singing Circle of Life with his school choir, his abandoned Warhammer-painting YouTube channel, or an Ed Sheeran stan Twitter.

Get into his music

He’ll have to be into something transgressive and shit, so find out what and start listening to it. It’s on Spotify, it doesn’t cost anything. Your daughter will secretly hate it already so will be dismayed to come home and find you’re also blasting Tyler, The Creator on the kitchen Bluetooth. ‘Sick beats,’ you’ll nod, effortlessly tarnishing his cool.

Offer lifts

Dating a bad boy means hanging out with his equally monosyllabic mates in their filthy flats for hours on end. Occasional texts mentioning you’re at a nearby Sainsbury’s if she needs picking up will prove irresistibly tempting when the alternative is another four hours of black metal, Xbox and cans of Carling. ‘It’s my dad, he’s ordering me home,’ she’ll lie.

Pay him off

He’s living outside morality, the law and boring bourgeois notions of working for a living, so he’ll take any bribe. Tell him you’ll give him a grand to end it and his greedy little counterculture eyes will turn to dollar signs at the thought of the tattoo he can now afford. Then don’t pay him. Who’s the bad boy now?

Move house

Drastic, but on balance worth it. 50 miles or so should do it, then learn in horror that’s where he’s been driving from and you’re actually nearer his home, because he’s the kind of bad boy whose parents are richer than you. That black tinted-window BMW will be parked on your new drive before you’ve finished unpacking.

RIGHT-WING musicians are few and far between and universally twats. Coincidence, or could there be some mysterious causal connection? Let’s investigate:

Lee Greenwood

Best known for 1984’s God Bless the USA, now a favourite at Trump rallies, but most of his other hits are cloying patriotic crap like America the Beautiful too. It’s hard to tell which Lee loves more: the USA, or coasting on meagre talent by singing songs about it.

Kid Rock

Two decades ago, Kid Rock had a hit with All Summer Long, a rip-off of Sweet Home Alabama and Werewolves of London about partying with underage babes. Now? Trump’s biggest fan and a dick who machine-guns Bud Light cans in his garden. Previous to that he was a white rapper. Really, he’s a professional collector of cringe careers.

Tony Hadley

Spandau Ballet’s Tony is a confirmed Tory who in 2007 addressed the party conference with prime crowd-pleasing clichés like ‘The fabric of society is torn. We need Cameron to be more like Thatcher, to say enough is enough.’ Oddly never shared his passion for Thatch in the 80s, when it would have f**ked his career sideways.

Morrissey

Began by flirting with the far-right but is now in a long-term toxic relationship with them, judging by the amount of ‘Britain is going to the dogs’ bollocks he spouts. He should move back here from Los Angeles. He’d love meeting likeminded middle-aged men and painting St George Crosses on roundabouts with them.

Skrewdriver

Skrewdriver’s rabid neo-Nazi politics meant they never had a honeymoon phase and despite being legends of the far-right music scene unsurprisingly had zero mainstream success. Nobody wants to bring a date back to their flat and ask: ‘What should I put on, White Power or Smash the IRA?’

Ted Nugent 

Gun nut Ted describes himself as ‘well-armed’, not most people’s first priority for a singer-songwriter. His unhinged views such as calling then-president Barack Obama a ‘subhuman mongrel’ are well-known. Despite this his music is oddly inoffensive MOR rock such as 1977’s Cat Scratch Fever, a song for those who find ZZ Top too experimental.

Elvis

Today, we view Elvis as a ripped-off rock-and-roll legend who was a victim of his own mindboggling fame. Which is to forget his forays into right-wing politics such as denouncing the hippy counterculture and being made an honorary Bureau of Narcotics agent by Richard Nixon. Still, understandable when off your head on speed and barbiturates.

TRUMP is complaining about a Canadian bridge damaging trade but if it was called the Trump Bridge he would love it. And he’d welcome these too: 

The Trump Landfill

Abandoning recycling, Trump turns most of New England into a landfill site to troll liberal voters. ‘Hope you enjoy the garbage trucks!’ he posts while rendering US beauty sites eternally toxic.

The Historic Collapse of the Arc De Trump

Erected with incredible haste and using sub-standard materials, for this is the Trump Way, the 250ft-high Arc De Trump collapses at the opening ceremony killing 133 but leaving its originator unharmed. ‘A disaster they’ll talk about for generations!’ he beams. 

The Trumpdemic

With vaccination rates plummeting and disease declared woke, epidemics begin sweeping the US. Bad, until they’re labelled Trumpdemics and become a right-wing must-have. 

The Trump Trash Fire

The landfill, now covering more than 200 square miles, catches fire for which Canadians are blamed. ‘Responsible Americans burn their trash!’ says Trump, alongside an AI video showing happy white people cooking burgers on it.

Donald J Trump’s Big Brilliant Electoral Pause Programme

Disappointing results for Republicans in the midterm elections are declared null and void by an executive order, signed with a flourish in blood, declaring them illegal. ‘All elections are hereby Paused until the electorate is deemed to be Trustworthy and Trump-worthy’ says the president.

Trumpian Triage

A press name for the White House policy of letting one in every three Americans die due to disease and soaring food prices, enthusiastically taken up by the president. ‘No more weak, only strong!’ he exults.

The Trump Secession

‘Useless states which NOBODY would live in, such as California, New York, Oregon and others even less popular are leaving the never greater US and forming their own failed country. Good Riddance to them! Wyoming and South Dakota remain on the Trump train!’

The Second Civil War, brought to you by Trump

‘They said a war tearing the country in twain was impossible until TRUMP came along! Now brother has taken up arms against brother, all inspired by one great man! Make Slavery Legal Again!’ 

The Donald J Trump Overthrow of the United States of America Force

Name the Chinese-Canadian-US Free States army this and Trump will welcome them into the country. Especially when they promise he’ll be held in a solid gold jail. ‘The First Ever such jail, many are saying!’

The Trump Trials

Remember how much he loved his mugshot? Imagine live, televised trials of every member of his administration where they talk about nothing but him all day. Imagine his posts about how they ‘trounced LOSER OJ Simpson in the ratings! Sad!’

A STUPID, unpleasant man is completely unburdened by anxiety, imposter syndrome or any other mental health issue.

Dickhead Wayne Hayes has exemplary mental health because he does not care about others’ opinions of him and is indifferent to the consequences of his terrible actions.

Hayes said: “When I hear about things like burnout or depression, I can’t help but laugh at the losers who experience them. Couldn’t be me.

“Thanks to my high opinion of myself, living with my brain is one long party. Replay moments of shame and failure into the small hours? Nah, I replay all my great moments, hilarious insults and imagine conversations with celebrities where they like me.

“Did you know you can choose not to feel upset or guilty? When you get those twinges, disregard them entirely and they go away. Leaving room for loads better feelings like arrogance and calling Arsenal fans wankers.

He added: “I thought I was sad once, but I just needed to eat a burger. Maybe crybabies should try that.”

Counsellor Helen Archer said: “It goes against all of my beliefs to say this, but everyone would feel better if they were more like Wayne. Unpopular, but happy.”

CINEMAGOERS will soon discover that Wuthering Heights could be half as long with a nice happy ending if any character had basic common sense. Also true of these: 

Snow White

Considering the Queen’s main goal in life is to kill Snow White, she does a shit job of it. The magic poisoned apple only puts her into a coma, so why not kill her permanently with a normal apple laced with cyanide? Or just brutally stab her to death? The Queen doesn’t care she’s in a Disney film.

Wuthering Heights 

Heathcliff leaves Yorkshire – good call – when he overhears Catherine telling the housekeeper it would ‘degrade’ her to marry him, missing the rather important ‘I am Heathcliff’ bit afterwards. Considering Cathy shows every sign of loving him, he really needs to check this with her. Even if only to tell her she’s a two-faced cow.

The Lord of the Rings

It’s been said, but: giant eagles. That Gandalf is mates with. Fly the ring into Mordor? Or help Frodo and Sam with an escort of characters resistant to the Ring: Gandalf, Galadriel, other hobbits, etcetera. None are strictly needed at the diversionary attack on the Black Gate. Your arsehole boss in your office job would have organised this better.

Inception

Leo and his colleagues have dream-sharing technology, so ditch the dangerous industrial espionage and develop a consumer version. It might take a few years, but if Fortnite makes billions then how much more fun would it be to play in someone’s dream? A few teenagers might forget to eat and perish, but that’s good for the gene pool.

Pride and Prejudice

Another dense misunderstanding. Elizabeth believes Wickham’s bullshit about Darcy being a bastard to him in the past. They’re serious allegations you’d want to verify, but no. And has it not occurred to Lizzie that he may just be trying to f**k her?

Death of a Salesman

Willy Loman could avoid killing himself by getting a sense of perspective. He could take a lower-paid job closer to home or stop obsessing about his son Biff being a failure. He is, after all, only 34. Samuel L Jackson, Debbie Harry, and McDonald’s founder Ray Kroc didn’t find success until after then. Chill the f**k out, Willy.

The Aeneid 

How hard is it to check a big wooden horse for Greeks? Was it not suspiciously heavy when pushed? Did it not carry the distinctive scent of a few hundred soldiers crammed into a shed? Was there no tell-tale trail of leaking urine? The ancients were half-wits, frankly, and the democracy they invented should be treated accordingly.

We’re not keen on reinventing the wheel. If it ain’t broke, why fix it, and all that nonsense. Simon Ingari, on the other hand, thinks he has the answer to helping people find their dream jobs, and it apparently involves throwing language conventions in the bin. Like this – His post rubbed people up the […]

The post The internet wasn’t buying this recruiter’s instruction to stop writing ‘please find attached’ in emails – We hope these 19 funny reactions find you well appeared first on The Poke.

Birmingham has never seen anything like it – thank goodness – after Reform UK held a convention in the city to rally the troops and shift a few of those party branded football tops, presumably. And your host for the occasion was none other than Jeremy Kyle – you remember – and how excited was […]

The post Jeremy Kyle was the MC for Reform UK’s Birmingham rally and this A++ comeback didn’t just speak volumes, it bellowed them appeared first on The Poke.

Reform UK – no, stick with us, please – has got the hump with Bangor University after its debating society rejected a request by one of its MPs, Sarah Pochin, to address students. Pochin was told in no uncertain terms that she was no welcome, a decision the society said it had taken ‘in line […]

The post Lee Anderson threatened a university whose debating society banned Reform UK and was given a lesson he’ll never forget appeared first on The Poke.

Nobody owns right-wing Fox News host Jesse Watters harder than he owns himself, with his many pronouncements on what is and isn’t masculine enough for his liking. Things that don’t meet the Watters manliness criteria include – Drinking through a straw Voting for a woman Smiling. Moving swiftly on, his The Five co-host Jessica Tarlov […]

The post Jessica Tarlov wins Zinger of the Week for her light-speed response to Fox co-host Jesse Watters’ tale of being called Fascist in a drive-by heckling appeared first on The Poke.

Remember the media feeding frenzy that pushed the revolving door of PMs which plagued the later years of the Tory stranglehold on Downing Street? Well, it’s back – with bells on. The papers have smelt blood in the water – as well they might, since they helped put it there – so Keir Starmer could […]

The post Wes Streeting’s attempt to distance himself from Peter Mandelson caused an avalanche of brutal mockery online – 23 hilariously scathing takedowns appeared first on The Poke.