The Onion
Mystery Men Emerge From NYC Manholes
At least three incidents of mysterious men climbing up from manholes in Brooklyn and Queens have been reported in the past month, prompting warnings from NYC officials about the dangers of exploring the sewer system. What do you think?
“Tell me a better way to seek an audience with the King Of The Cockroaches. I’ll wait.”
Nabeel Jawhar, Systems Analyst
“I hope one day mysterious women emerge from the sewers, too.”
Anita Boucher, Footage Reviewer
“I warned everyone that Mamdani would summon sewer dwellers.”
Sam Radford, Cow Brander
The Onion.
Zeus Lands Cameo Role As Trojan Soldier In ‘The Odyssey’
LOS ANGELES—Sending fans of Greek mythology into a frenzy on social media, The Odyssey director Christopher Nolan confirmed Friday that god of sky and thunder Zeus had landed a cameo role in the film as a Trojan soldier. “Yes, that was indeed the King of Gods that observant viewers spotted on the battlefield in the latest trailer,” said Nolan, adding that the supreme deity had instant chemistry with Matt Damon and Benny Safdie while filming his scene for the highly anticipated action epic. “Zeus and I have been friends since the early 2000s, when he reached out to tell me how much he enjoyed Memento. Then last year we were hanging out on set in Morocco, and he seemed interested in reliving the Trojan War, so I said, ‘What the heck, put a helmet on and get out there with your lightning bolt.’ The crew was a bit intimidated when he threatened to flood the world over a cue mishap, but he didn’t smite a single person.” At press time, sources confirmed Nolan had cut the cameo after deciding that renewed public scrutiny over Zeus’ extramarital affairs with nymphs, goddesses, and mortals would be a distraction from the film.
The Onion.
Biggest Revelations From Jill Biden’s New Memoir
Jill Biden has released View From The East Wing, a memoir detailing her time as first lady of the United States. Here are the book’s biggest revelations:
Knew from first time she met Joe that he had what it takes to become president, succumb to hubris, and be publicly humiliated
Would feed pieces of Secret Service member flesh under table to Major Biden
Raised agnostic, despite seeing her dad hit an angel with his truck
Taught English to help pay the outrageous White House rent
Regrets downplaying her husband’s health issues after seeing him sneeze out his whole skeleton
Wouldn’t say no to joint Netflix deal like one Barack and Michelle got
Couldn’t help feeling relieved that Hunter’s substance abuse distracted from her own harrowing meth addiction saga
Voted for Bernie twice
Expects to be single and primed for sexual journey within five years
The Onion.
What Are We Donating To Goodwill?
The Onion.
Diana Yanko
Diana Yanko, 61, died on Tuesday after an AI incorrectly filed her charts, another AI denied her claim, and a third AI turned off her life support.
The Onion.
ClickHole
5 Common Scams That Fraudsters Use To Get You To Mail Them Your Eyeballs
Eyeball fraud is one of the top one hundred types of fraud currently happening online. In order to protect your peepers from digital eyeball thieves, it’s important to recognize the strategies they use to trick innocent people like you. Here are five common scams that fraudsters use to get you to mail them your eyeballs.
1. They Send You An Email With The Subject Line “Gonna Need Your Eyes…”
Let’s be clear: anyone who needs your eyeballs for a legitimate reason will ALWAYS put the reason they need them in the subject line of an email. Sometimes your doctor might send you an email with the subject line, “Mail Me Your Eyeballs So I Can Wash Them,” or your priest might send you an email with a subject line that says, “Give Me Your Eyes So I Can Throw Them At The Devil.” In these cases, the clarity is a good sign: you are probably not getting scammed.
BUT, If the subject line just says, “Gonna Need Your Eyes…” and the body of the email says something like, “You do not need to understand why your eyeballs must be mine. Please mail them to me as fast as anyone ever could,” then this is a red flag for sure. It’s almost a guarantee that this person wants your eyeballs for nefarious reasons unrelated to the health and security of you and your community.
2. They Claim You’ve Been Selected For An “Eyeball Exchange”
If you get a phone call or email from someone you’ve never met before claiming that you have been selected for something called an “Eyeball Exchange,” there’s a really good chance you are being targeted by an eyeball fraudster. The person on the phone might explain that you have been chosen to trade eyeballs with a famous person like Christian Slater or Matthew Rhys. They’ll say all you need to do is mail them your eyeballs and in the next five to six weeks you’ll receive a celebrity’s eyeballs in the mail that you can use as your own. Nine times out of ten, you are being tricked. You will never get Matthew Rhys’s eyeballs. They will have your eyeballs, and you will have empty eye sockets that you’ll need to fill with olives or golf balls.
3. They Send You A Postage Paid Box With The Words “Put Both Of Your Eyeballs In Here” On It
It might seem really convenient that these people have already paid for the postage to mail them your eyeballs, but think about what’s happening here: They haven’t told you WHO they are, or WHY they need your eyeballs. This is a major sign that they are trying to defraud you. They don’t want your eyeballs for any good reason. They’re just trying to steal from you.
4. They Take Out A Billboard Near Your House That Has An Address On It Assuming You’ll See It And Mail Your Eyes There
Sometimes you’ll be driving on a road near your house, and you’ll see a billboard that has nothing on it except a mailing address. Your first instinct might be to think, “That’s an awesome address. I should take out my eyeballs and mail them there.” While this might seem like the natural thing to do, you should definitely think twice. That billboard was most likely put there by criminals who want to trick you into mailing them your eyeballs for nefarious purposes, and as easy as it would be to send your eyeballs to their address, it might not be the best choice for you and your future health.
5. They Text You That The IRS Needs Your Eyes Or The Country Will Go Bankrupt
This should be common knowledge in our day and age, but the Internal Revenue Service will never text you demanding your eyeballs. If the IRS needs your eyes, they will send the President of the United States to your home to request them in person. So if you get a text from someone claiming to represent the IRS telling you that you need to send your eyeballs to the agency as soon as possible or else the United States will go bankrupt, you should immediately recognize this as a lie. On the other hand, if the president comes to your house and says, “It’s me, Donald Trump or Joe Biden or whoever is president right now, and this country needs you to put your eyeballs in my trouser pockets,” you should go ahead and do that, because that’s a real emergency eyeball situation and your country needs you.
Healthcare In Decline: A Nurse At This Sperm Clinic Just Handed A Donor A Cup, A Ketchup Packet, And A Low-Res Printout Of Lois Griffin In A Bikini
From long wait times to skyrocketing insurance costs, the healthcare system in the richest country in the world continues to degrade in myriad ways. The latest writing on the wall that our healthcare system is starting to resemble that of a third world country more than that of a prosperous nation? A nurse at this sperm clinic just handed a donor a cup, a ketchup packet, and a low-res printout of Lois Griffin in a bikini.
Let that sink in. A sperm clinic that can offer its patients nothing better to masturbate to than Family Guy’s wife.
While one might expect the sperm clinics in a country responsible for a quarter of the entire world’s economic output despite having less than 5% of its population to have a modern, well-organized library of pornography and a selection of state-of-the-art lubricants for their donors to choose from, Cryogenic Laboratories Inc of Roseville, MN offers nothing of the sort. Based on the experience of 32-year-old caterer Jonah Matterson, who was just handed a red Solo cup, a ketchup packet from Popeye’s, and a low-res printout of Lois Griffin in a bikini made on a black-and-white laser printer, our country is heading downhill fast.
The piss poor masturbatory materials were handed to Mr. Matterson by the nurse (who had a bad cough) without any acknowledgment of their subpar utility, showing just how normalized this level of degradation in our healthcare system has become. While he had no problem filling his Solo cup with sperm to the pixelated image of Lois Griffin while using a single ketchup packet as lube, this experience sounds like something you’d have to endure in the healthcare system of a developing nation, not one with an economy larger than all of Europe’s.
This is not okay. Our citizens deserve better than this.
God’s Favorite: This Man Is A Devout Christian, Muslim, AND Jew
We all like to think that God loves us, but there’s one guy living on Earth right now who is clearly God’s #1 favorite: This man is a devout Christian, Muslim, AND Jew.
Yep, you gotta think Yahweh/The Lord is pretty into this guy.
Abdullah Paul Markowitz of Washington, DC is more devoted to our Creator than pretty much anybody, given that he shows his worship through God’s three favorite faiths at the same time. Abdullah keeps all of God’s commandments, whether they come from the Bible, the Torah, or the Koran—he observes the Sabbath on Saturday and Sunday, belongs to a shul, a mosque, and a church, refrains from eating pork and shellfish, and remains alcohol-free by using grape juice when he takes the Eucharist or sips from the Kiddush cup. Between Ramadan, Yom Kippur, and Lent, he’s fasting pretty much all the time, and he considers Jesus Christ both the Messiah and not the Messiah simultaneously using a principle similar to quantum mechanics.
We’ve got to say that if we were God, we would be pretty damn obsessed with Abdullah!
Abdullah has had a busy life getting confirmed and bar-mitzvahed and publicly declaring his faith in the Five Pillars of Islam, not to mention the hours he spends daily reciting prayers in Hebrew, Arabic, Latin, and English. But it’s all worth it—he is always happy, he has the biomarkers of a much younger man, and he makes $250k a year at his relatively easy marketing job, all because God would never let anything happen to his #1 most cherished human being. And as long as he maintains his devotion, we assume he’s gonna keep the lion’s share of God’s love.
Pretty cool. Abdullah Paul Markowitz may be a bit of a teacher’s pet for God, but we’ve gotta admit he’s earned it. Religion rocks!
Fuck This: Your Acquaintance’s Instagrams About Her New Baby Aren’t Nearly As Good As What She Posted When Single And Manic
There comes a time when everyone grows up, but tragically, that growth often comes at the expense of a comically immature social media presence. Case in point: Your acquaintance’s Instagram posts about her new baby aren’t nearly as good as what she posted when she was single and manic.
Well fuck this.
Sure, it’s nice that at age 38 this girl seems to love her baby and the super normal-looking guy she had the baby with, but boy oh boy are lighthearted trips to the zoo NOT what you follow this girl for. Previously, clicking on her story could have brought you myriad gifts: a drunken thirst trap, a screengrab of a customer service live chat interaction in which she was clearly in the wrong, or a new installment in the whole years-long saga where some magician she was dating cheated on her. But gone are the days of her Instagram lives where she’d show up at the magician’s house univited and call him a cocksucker. Now, it’s just videos of a moderately cute kid learning to eat grapes.
Oh, where have the good times gone?
Foolishly, you thought those hospital gown selfies she was taking last year were from an abortion, time in the psych ward, or, based on her enigmatic caption that read “No one ever gets close enough to know the real me,” somehow both. Sadly, it now seems she was there for a pregnancy-related visit, thereby cementing the end of her time as a worthwhile follow.
Seriously, if it’s just gonna be videos of this kid saying “moo moo” when she means milk, we’re out. This is precisely the type of thing that this woman would’ve captioned “stupid bitch can’t even say milk” during her single days, which would’ve at least given us something.
But this? This is nothing. Unfollowing now.
And whenever she inevitably goes off whatever mood stabilizers are to thank for her new personality, we’ll consider re-following, but for now, this is the end of the road. Like she told the magician over her final IG live, “Bye bye, cocksucker. I’m done with your games.”
Master Negotiator: President Trump Has Signed A Deal To Dissolve The US Military In Exchange For Iran Writing A 5-Star Review Of The White House On Google Maps
Love him or hate him, Donald Trump’s negotiating skills may be bringing an end to America’s war with Iran at long last: President Trump has signed a deal to dissolve the U.S. military in exchange for Iran writing a five-star review of The White House on Google Maps.
What a massive win-win for the United States and Iran alike. Here’s to peacetime!
In a press conference this morning, President Trump announced that he’d reached an agreement to disband every branch of the United States Armed Forces after Iranian supreme leader Mojtaba Khamenei conceded to post a glowing, five-star review of the White House on Google Maps. Proudly unveiling the deal beside an enlarged printout of Iran’s five-star review of 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, President Trump explained that all US servicemen have been directed to turn in their uniforms, equipment, and medals, and make preparations to vacate their assigned posts within the next week, as all American military forts and bases around the world are set to be renovated into government-owned Airbnbs.
“Everyone got what they wanted, everyone’s happy, and now, America’s former troops have so much free time to visit our country’s Iran-acclaimed White House,” stated President Trump, declaring that the Department of Defense’s shuttering is a perfect tradeoff for having a foreign adversary to publicly praise The White House’s clean bathrooms and helpful staff on Google Reviews for the entire world to see.
“I commend Supreme Leader Khamenei for accepting this unbelievably fair deal, which Joe Biden never could have delivered. Under a Democrat, Iran would’ve rated the Executive Office three stars on Google at best. Under Trump? Forever wars have become forever peace, because our military is forever gone. I’d like to thank our troops for their sacrifice, and wish them the best of luck in whatever’s next for them.”
Wow. Somehow, some way, Trump has done the impossible!
We didn’t have ‘America demilitarizing’ on our ‘outcome of the War with Iran’ bingo card, but we certainly aren’t complaining about the end of a costly, unnecessary war! If this tradeoff saves lives, then it’s a deal Americans on both sides of the aisle can celebrate. What do you think of Trump’s deal to end the US military for Iran’s perfect review of the White House? Let us know in the comments!
Duffel Blog
Admiral struggles to find day for change of command that ruins most sailors' plans
NORFOLK, Va. — Retiring Rear Adm. Glenn Marlowe is reportedly concerned that his mandatory all-hands change of command ceremony may not ruin enough sailors’ lives, sources confirmed this week.“We have a lot to consider,” Marlowe said. “We have eval season, COOP plans, shipyard availabilities, and maintenance periods that could affect national security for the next two years. But how do I schedule my change of command ceremony for Maximum Bummer Effect so I can interrupt all of them at once?”Marlowe said his first instinct was to pick a date “right in the middle of everything,” but recent developments have complicated the planning process.“I just found out a boat is returning from a nine-month deployment,” he said. “So now the question is whether I can drag those amine-soaked bastards into it too.”Maximum Bummer Effect, or MBE, is a Navy planning concept used to determine how much inconvenience senior leaders can impose on personnel while still describing the event as “mandatory fun.”“It’s an inverse square of sorts,” said retired Capt. Harold Kinsey, a former surface warfare officer and longtime advocate of uncomfortable folding chairs. “There are three major variables in a sailor’s life: work, leave, and sleep. We can’t always control sleep without legal review, but work and leave are absolutely fair game.”Kinsey said leaders can achieve MBE by disrupting maintenance that has been planned with a shipyard for five months, denying leave that has been on the calendar since the previous fiscal year, or forcing newly returned sailors to stand in formation while their families wait nearby “with increasingly visible hatred.”“With advancements in AI and machine learning, we can now model bummer conditions with far greater precision,” Kinsey said. “The latest prototype, BYG-D1K, allows commanders to identify the exact moment when a ceremony will cause the greatest operational and emotional damage.”Marlowe said the prototype has already produced results.“It’s going great,” he said. “Thanks to BYG-D1K, I only had to shift the ceremony two days to the right. Now it lines up perfectly with the boat coming back from deployment, and I think their duty sections may have to go port and starboard for a week to compensate.”Navy officials said the model is still in testing but has shown promise across several commands, especially when paired with late-stage uniform inspections, parking restrictions, and unexplained requirements to arrive three hours early.At press time, Marlowe said he was considering moving the ceremony indoors after learning the weather would otherwise be “pleasant and tolerable.”🖊️Phil Cable is a former sub radioman. Yes, he reads your emails, even that one with the thing.
Seven Marines dead after eating nicotine-infused crayons
JACKSONVILLE, N.C. — The Marine Corps Exchange has pulled its exclusive line of nicotine-infused “Crayola Xtreme!” crayons following a wave of injuries and deaths at Camp Lejeune, officials confirmed this week.“One of the lieutenants thought it’d be funny to start a rumor about a surprise inspection for stolen art supplies,” said Col. Jack Korzen, while standing in the burned-out remains of a junior enlisted barracks holding what appeared to be part of a melted crayon box. “One of the boots panicked, ate his entire supply, then sprinted from barracks to barracks like a nicotine-fueled Paul Revere.”What followed, officials said, was “roughly six uninterrupted hours of catastrophic decision-making” that left seven Marines dead and more than 130 hospitalized.“That’s too much energy for any one Marine,” Korzen said. “How do you tell a mother her son died violating a TCCC mannequin? The kid literally humped himself to death.”Korzen paused briefly.“There was moulage everywhere.”After Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth reportedly dismissed calls for a ban as “gay,” Marine leadership instead launched a safety initiative titled “Eating Is for Food.”The campaign appears to have had limited success.Near a dining facility where two dozen Marines were injured attempting to parkour across a static-display MV-22 Osprey, Lance Cpl. Sam Arp held up a half-chewed green crayon and defended the product line.“The grape tastes like purple,” Arp said before unsuccessfully attempting to use the crayon as a straw for applesauce.Consumer advocates questioned whether manufacturer safety standards were adequate.“Look at this packaging,” said Diana Fritz of Consumer Reports while displaying a box of “Chunky Xtreme!” oversized crayons featuring a cartoon honey badger named Jitters. “It says, ‘Help Jitters find his lost M4 before formation.’ Jesus Christ.”Crayola denied allegations the products were marketed toward junior enlisted personnel.“The Chunky line simply tested extremely well with our E-3 focus groups,” the company said in a statement, adding it remained compliant with “all Humane Society protocols regarding experimentation on junior Marines.”The product line was developed through a partnership between Crayola and the Marines Human Performance Branch, whose Program Manager for Ingestible Inorganics, Maj. Geoffrey Puntel, defended the initiative.“They’re going to eat crayons anyway,” Puntel said. “The goal is to ensure as much of the Marine’s ecosystem as possible contains essential nutrients and stimulants.”Puntel added that similar logic inspired the recent addition of aloe vera and doxycycline to CLP weapons lubricant.Officials acknowledged the project has faced setbacks before. A previous product, Elmer’s Go-Glue, was discontinued after overdoses among Marines during testing phases.Still, Puntel said the Corps plans to relaunch Crayola Xtreme! with additional safety features.“Marines tend to avoid the black crayon because they think it’s licorice,” he said. “So now the black one is made entirely of activated charcoal.”“It’s basically Narcan," he added.At press time, taps played at another funeral at Camp Lejeune as investigators worked to determine how a Marine had managed to fit an entire 64-count box into a CamelBak.🖊️Bernard Buttersquash will play the Kennedy Center, if invited.
GOP to require all legislators be Navy SEALs
CAPITOL HILL — Republican officials announced a new initiative this week requiring all future GOP congressional candidates to be Navy SEALs, arguing voters have become increasingly unwilling to elect anyone who has not personally participated in at least one nighttime raid.The initiative, dubbed “Every Legislator a Frogman, Every Frogman a Legislator,” follows what party leaders describe as a growing body of evidence that Navy SEALs are among the few Americans still trusted by voters more than podcast hosts.“With a party leader fondly reminiscing about Arnold Palmer’s anatomy, we're focused on finding real men to run for Congress,” said Republican National Committee Chairman Joe Gruters. “We've discovered that ‘real man’ basically means ‘Navy SEAL’ to suburban dads and open-carry enthusiasts. Those people vote, so from now on all Republican legislators must be Navy SEALs.”Party officials pointed to a growing roster of former SEALs who have successfully entered politics as evidence the model works. Former SEAL Bob Kerrey received the Medal of Honor before serving in the Senate and seeking the presidency. Eric Greitens, a Democrat until he stopped hating America, went on to become Missouri’s Republican governor before becoming involved in what party officials described as “a distinctly non-SEAL scandal.” Former SEAL Scott Taylor served in Congress before losing reelection to what one Republican strategist dismissed as “some surface warfare dork.” With five former SEALs currently serving as Republican members of Congress and another seeking a Senate seat in Kentucky, GOP leaders believe they have identified a repeatable formula for electoral success.Not everyone agrees.Texas Rep. Dan Crenshaw, a former SEAL, cautioned against limiting the party exclusively to commandos.“The left and right approach governance differently,” Crenshaw said. “But many of the goals are ultimately the same: economic prosperity, better health care, better education—”
Opinion: I am not the worst secretary of defense ever
The following is an opinion piece by Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth.Everywhere I go, people keep calling me the worst Secretary of Defense in American history.The worst.Really? Do you think Donald Rumsfeld could deadlift 300 pounds? Could Robert McNamara do PT with Tier 1 operators? I don’t think so. Rumsfeld gave us “unknown unknowns.” I prefer a simpler doctrine: FAFO backed by overwhelming known violence.McNamara might have been CEO of Ford but I'm the one who was built Ford tough.Just look at his record in Vietnam: beaten by the Vietcong, which were nothing but weak communist farmers. McNamara spent seven years trying to win in Vietnam and still lost. In the past couple months I’ve already overseen two regime changes and I’m currently workshopping a third. I didn’t even need congressional authorization. I just did it.That’s sigma male leadership.Watch out, Cuba.Booyah!Can you imagine Don Rumsfeld lifting weights like Hegseth? I don't think so.All I ever wanted was to transform this weak, DEI-obsessed department into the elite killing machine I know it was meant to be. You see, the military wants — no — it needs to kill. But the liberal left bleeding hearts of Democrat politicians keep tying our hands with so-called rules of engagement and "international law," whatever that means.I'm letting the troops do their job. That means no quarter and no mercy on all military-aged males from 11 to 65 years old.Military-aged male driving a truck within 400 feet of U.S. forces? Green lit. Gone.Seventeen-year-old making a peanut butter sandwich while looking at a patrol the wrong way? Green lit. Gone.Host-nation police officer forgets the greeting of the day? Green lit. Gone.My troops know an insider threat when they see one.And do we even need to talk about Lloyd Austin? First of all, how do you trust a Secretary of Defense with two first names? If he weren’t black, I’d assume he was from Alabama and married to his sister.Lloyd Austin’s greatest military achievement was apparently hosting pride parades on aircraft carriers.
Army criticized over Memorial Day recruiting specials
ARLINGTON, Va. — Army recruiting officials are facing criticism after launching a series of Memorial Day enlistment promotions, including cash bonuses, upgraded funeral packages, and limited-time incentives for recruits willing to sign contracts before the holiday weekend ended.Under the promotion, new recruits who signed a six-year contract before Memorial Day received a $2,500 bonus. Soldiers willing to extend to eight years will also qualify for what the Army describes as a “premium bereavement experience package,” including a sandalwood coffin with velvet interior.“We know Memorial Day is traditionally about reflection, sacrifice, and remembering the fallen,” said Lt. Gen. Johnny Davis of Army Recruiting Command. “But it’s also one of the biggest sales weekends of the year, and we’d be foolish not to compete."Army officials said the promotion is part of a broader effort to address recruiting shortfalls while modernizing outreach efforts to younger Americans.“We’re trying to meet Gen Z where they are,” one recruiting official said. “They grew up with promo codes, influencer sponsorships, and limited-time offers. Frankly, patriotism alone just isn’t converting anymore.”The Army missed its recruiting goal by roughly 15,000 soldiers in 2022 and has continued struggling to reverse the trend despite expanded bonuses and relaxed enlistment standards.Nick Baker, a recruit who seized the opportunity to claim the $2,500 bonus, shared his thoughts mere hours after finalizing a contract that will dispatch him to Fort Huachuca for military intelligence training. "I'm not a bookworm, and honestly I can't read, so I don't know the details, but I am happy to support our local animal shelter," Baker said.Critics said the Memorial Day campaign demonstrates a growing disconnect between military leadership and the public.“The Department of Defense thinks every problem can be solved with incentives,” said one Pentagon official speaking anonymously. “We used to have vision. McNamara had Project 100,000. Today everyone suddenly cares about ‘ethics’ and ‘human dignity.’”Army leaders rejected accusations the campaign undermined the significance of Memorial Day.“Absolutely not,” Vereen said. “Anyone who signed this weekend will also receive a commemorative camouflage tote bag and a voucher for ten free boneless wings at participating Applebee’s locations.”At press time, recruiters confirmed they were considering a new Fourth of July promotion offering free AirPods to anyone willing to waive “minor” traumatic brain injuries during MEPS screening.🖊️The Ghost of Jimmy Carter was born in the light of a dying star, disappointment emerged.
Daily Mash
World clubbing together to buy Trump an overseas territory to shut him up
THE world is trying to decide on an overseas territory it can award to Trump to satisfy his ambition to acquire one during his second term.
After the president unveiled plans to buy the Chagos Islands, following previous ambitions to own Greenland and Pamama, the United Nations has decided he is not going to shut up until he gets something so they might as well decide what.
A UN spokesman said: “Britain, weren’t you having some issues with Northern Ireland? He might like that. Though we’d have to decorate.
“It doesn’t really matter where. Ideally he’s after something of ‘strategic importance’ but he doesn’t rule out bombing anyone so we can always upsell it. Palau? You were on season ten of Survivor. He’ll have seen that.
“I know, I know, nobody wants to be a US Overseas Territory without any rights, we’ve all seen Puerto Rico. But if it’s this or an invasion then surely it’s better this? And if it’s down to being bought by us or Trump, we’ll actually pay you.
“Dominican Republic? Grenada? Lesotho, I’m sorry but you’re landlocked and he’s obsessed with beachfronts. All it means in practical terms is Air Force One touches down, a photo opportunity with him holding a gold thing he’ll take home, done. Is that so bad?
“Look, if we can’t get a volunteer we’ll have to go with plan B: make somewhere up and give him that. It worked for FIFA.”
Throuples are solution to cost of living crisis
YOUNG Britons are entering into three-way romantic and sexual relationships because they are a great way to keep rent and bills down.
Gen Z has confessed that going out with two people simultaneously is nothing but hassle, but a third income means a third person to split the cost of hummus with.
Marketing executive Sophie Rodriguez, 26, said: “I make out it’s a wild adventure in ethical non-monogamy, but in reality the most arousing part is we can afford three streaming subscriptions.
“Everyone imagines the three of us sharing a bed in endless new erotic configurations. Actually we’re snuggling for warmth. It’s less PornHub fantasy and more the grandparents in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.
“Plus two women on one dick means we get more nights off. What makes an ideal third? Mature, employed, solvent. Jayden has Tesco Clubcard points and a car. That’s a man worth going halves on.
“It’s a committed relationship, we’re paying council tax together. And there are never arguments about jealousy or trust issues, only about who used the last of the milk.”
Married man Julian Cook, aged 40, said: “I’ve been trying to persuade my wife to include a third in our relationship. But tragically, our earnings are high enough to comfortably pay the mortgage.”
Successful 19-year-old filmmaker gives false hope to millions
A YOUTUBER turned filmmaker’s successful debut feature means tens of thousands of teenagers now believe they can do the same, wrongly.
Kane Parsons, aged 19, has turned his web series Backrooms into a $141m hit movie, causing young, deluded contemporaries worldwide to believe their crappy efforts will be just as successful so they have no need to get A-levels or jobs.
18-year-old Jack Browne said: “Every hot shot producer knows storytelling went out the window with Weinstein. Vibes are in now, and I’m the prime purveyor on TikTok.
“My parents will eat their words after my knowledge of niche online shit pays off. Who’s an idiot for being on 4chan until 4am now, mum? Not me when I finish my This Man screenplay and become a multimillionaire.
“As the old moviemaking adage goes, if you’re a creative teenager currently streaming videogames to an audience of between 12 and 18 people, the studios will come knocking. I think I’ll ask for a budget of $40 million. I only need $15 million, but they don’t know that.”
Mum Sandra Browne said: “The occasional flukey youth success unfortunately inspires a generation of idiots to imagine the cruel machinations of reality will not crush them, which they will.
“Jack is not a ‘digital upstart’ who will ‘reinvent content’ for the 21st century. He’s a lazy dick who got fired by Kebabylon for watching Instagram Reels in their backroom.”
Woman agonising over wedding outfit as if anyone gives a shit
A WOMAN is subjecting herself to enormous stress over what she will wear for an upcoming wedding, irrespective of the fact nobody will notice.
Eleanor Shaw, aged 32, has spent weeks looking for the perfect dress for a friend’s big day without ever realising she is the only one arsed about it.
Shaw said: “It’s a nightmare. I’ve bought four new dresses already but none of them are right.
“In the heatwave I suffered the delusion a mini-dress would be ideal, but now I realise I’d be freezing and assumed to be a sex worker. But I can’t wear a maxi because I’ll be far too hot, I’m neither pregnant nor a mother and I’m not middle-class enough.
“Trousers? Or will I look like a lesbian, which would be offensive to the actual lesbians there? Dua Lipa wore a suit for her wedding. I could do the same, if I wanted to look like a pathetic, needy Dua Lipa wannabe.
“I think I’ve settled on a mid-length powder-blue backless one which will make me stand out without drawing attention from the bride. But if my boyfriend doesn’t praise it effusively and fall to his knees in awe I might have another crisis.”
Bride-to-be Carolyn Ryan said: “Eleanor? I only invited her because my mate Phoebe fancies her brother. As long as she doesn’t wear powder blue like my mother I give zero f**ks.”
We ask you: Which crappy losers have you got in the office World Cup sweepstakes?
THE World Cup is almost here, and with it the chance to pull a team out of a hat and lose £1 because it’s Panama. Which no-hopers have you been stuck with?
Carolyn Ryan, senior manager: “Blue Curaçao. I don’t think whoever wrote this was giving it their full attention.”
Will McKay, marketing executive: “Scotland. Which if you’re going to throw a pound away on Scotland it should really go directly to a tramp at King’s Cross.”
Hannah Tomlinson, head of accounts: “I’ve got North Korea. Or South Korea, same difference.”
Sophie Rodriguez, human resources officer: “Capa Verde, which is actually ideal for me as it gives me the opportunity to persistently wear the green cape I got of Vinted last year.”
Wayne Hayes, audit: “I refused to take part, everyone called me a miserable bastard, I made careful note of who, didn’t come in the next day, began a grievance procedure, and consequently I’ll be off for the next six weeks watching every game on full pay. Now that’s the FIFA spirit.”
The Poke
Magas thought Donald Trump’s hilarious interview flounce out was a sign of epic strength and ended up schooled into next year
Donald Trump’s been walking out of interviews again after an interviewer dared asked him a question he didn’t like and – worse – actually push back with some cold, hard facts. This time it was the estimable NBC News journalist Kristen Welker on the Meet The Press programme who was firmly putting the President in […]
The Poke.
Camilla Tominey’s ‘won’t somebody think of the middle-class Right-wingers’ plea had everyone rushing to their tiny violins – 19 responses completely devoid of sympathy
We cross now to the tragic life of Camilla Tominey, Daily Telegraph editor and columnist, host of Telegraph podcast The Daily T, political presenter on GBeebies, and specialist reporter on the Royal Family. We can’t imagine how the poor woman manages to make ends meet – and as for having her say, well – that’s […]
The Poke.
Pete Hegseth used his D-Day anniversary speech to score some lame political points and Simon Schama’s A++ spoke for right-minded Brits everywhere
It was the anniversary of the D-Day landings on Saturday, that extraordinary day on 6 June 1944 when nearly 160,000 Allied troops landed in Normandy to begin the Allied liberation of Nazi-occupied Western Europe. The United States secretary of defence, sorry, war, Pete Hegseth was in France to commemorate the moment, and his speech was […]
The Poke.
Hugh Laurie didn’t take kindly to a viewer’s belated House critique and his hilariously narked response went wildly viral
It’s been a while since Hugh Laurie was on TV screens everywhere as the eponymous Dr Gregory House in the long-running medical drama House. It won loads of awards, ran for eight seasons and made Laurie as big a household name in America as he already was in the UK. But that doesn’t mean that […]
The Poke.
It’s Pride Month so the edgy Laurence Fox has been burning flags again – 17 withering replies
As he slides ever deeper into irrelevance, Laurence Fox is always looking for cheap stunts to keep himself in the news. Well, maybe not the news, but he’s certainly angling for more traction on his monetised Twitter account. So, this Pride Month, The Pathetic Mr. Fox has returned to one of his attention-grabbing ‘greatest hits’, […]
The Poke.
