The Onion
MapQuest Jumps To Top Of App Store After Refusing To Rename ‘Lake Ontario’
Legacy mapping tool MapQuest shot up to become the top navigation app in Apple’s app store after refusing to comply with President Trump’s executive order renaming “Lake Ontario” to “Lake America,” overtaking Google Maps, Waze, and Apple Maps. What do you think?
“Sorry, I won’t use any map that calls New Amsterdam ‘New York.’”
Billy Payne, Boat Docker
“That’s nothing. AskJeeves is actively financing the California separatist movement.”
Adam Hobbis, Spa Guard
“Fuck yeah! My kids didn’t drown in ‘Lake America.’”
Vivienne Croteau, Retired Cinephile
The Onion.
Gloria Steinem, Researcher Who Discovered Existence Of Women, Dead At 92
The Onion.
Google Maps Introduces Crawling Directions For Cyclists Hit By Truck
MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA—Touting the new feature as yet another innovation to help every traveler get where they’re going, Google Maps on Thursday began offering crawling directions for cyclists who have been hit by a truck. “Whether you’ve been sideswiped by a tractor-trailer on a two-lane road or dragged through an intersection by a furniture delivery truck, you can now easily plot a course that fully accommodates your mangled body,” said lead product developer Jasmine Harper, adding that the app dynamically adjusts a user’s travel time according to the amount of blood they lose as they deliriously inch forward on their hands and knees. “When you select this feature, your map automatically highlights nearby hospitals you might plausibly reach before passing out. It also generates flat-terrain routes that steer clear of inclines you’ll never be able to drag yourself over with a broken pelvis and a forearm bone jutting out of your skin. Plus, you can avoid crawling on streets with heavy traffic to reduce your chances of being too low to be seen by motorists and getting run over a second time.” Harper went on to say that the new setting can also direct users to nearby parks and other green spaces in case they’d rather just find a peaceful place to lie down and die.
The Onion.
Rolo Ad Greatly Overestimates The Social Element Of Eating Rolos
HERSHEY, PA—Calling into question the candy brand’s apparent belief that consuming its chocolate-covered caramels constitutes a lively group activity, viewers told reporters Thursday that a new Rolo commercial greatly overestimates the social element of eating Rolos. “Rolo roll call!” a handsome young man in the ad says as he arrives at a crowded house party, prompting a diverse group of stylish twentysomethings to cheer, swarm around him, and pass a tube of the candy from person to person. “Now the party’s started!” a woman adds before posing for a selfie in which six friends hold individual Rolos toward the camera and laugh uproariously. Sources noted that the ad depicts the entire gathering seemingly reorganizing itself around the Rolos, with guests dancing while holding Rolos aloft, clinking Rolos together in a toast, and excitedly feeding Rolos to one another, despite it being extremely unlikely such a scenario would ever transpire. Viewers went on to state that a more accurate commercial would depict a man eating Rolos from a tube he found in the pantry while everyone else in his family slept.
The Onion.
Game Ready: How NFL Players Prepare Their Bodies And Minds For The Long Season
From specialized nutrition plans to mental skills work to experimental equipment, the quest to stay healthy and productive now takes NFL athletes far beyond the weight room. Here are some ways players keep themselves fit throughout the season.
Mental Skills
In recent years, mental preparation has become a major emphasis across the league.
Some defensive players take part in exercises to remove emotional barriers to contact. “Snap a swan’s neck and you no longer feel bad about hurting your fellow man, for you’ve already removed beauty and innocence from the world,” said Dolphins linebacker Jordyn Brooks.
Teams also rehearse accountability. In towel-over-head training, players practice sitting on the bench with a towel over their head after mistakes, refining the posture and towel angle needed to appear sufficiently contrite.
Some players use more individualized psychological methods, which for Giants running back Cam Skattebo means employing visual aids and repetition to get into the game-day mentality.
“Every year I make 600 flash cards,” Skattebo revealed. “On one side of each flash card is a picture of a football. The other side is blank. I go over them for hundreds of hours until I’m ready to play.”
Equipment Innovations
Specialized equipment now plays a bigger role than ever in preparing players to compete.
A growing number of teams now train during the offseason using the Big Football, a love-seat-sized football designed to make regulation footballs feel more manageable once the season begins. Similarly, running backs increasingly use gumbo to work on ball security, carrying piping-hot pots of the soup through a gauntlet of defenders with the belief that, as one AFC South coach put it, “Any man who can protect gumbo can protect a ball.”
No offseason program is considered complete without a visit to The Cube, an advanced conditioning chamber where players spend anywhere from 30 seconds to two weeks, depending on how long The Cube sees fit. No one knows what happens inside, because The Cube wipes the memory of whoever enters.
“To compete at the highest levels, you must spend time in The Cube,” said Chiefs head coach Andy Reid. “Although sometimes a guy will die in there.”
Environment Training
Teams are also placing greater emphasis on environmental readiness, preparing players for the conditions and distractions they may encounter over the course of the season.
Because football is played on grass, several teams now use grass immersion therapy. Players begin by looking at grass, then smelling it, then holding a bowl filled with grass, and finally walking across grass under trainer supervision. This reduces the chance they’ll be startled by grass when they encounter it in the regular season. Several clubs also use the 1992 computer game Wolfenstein 3D as an environmental-navigation tool because, like NFL football, it is full of difficult challenges.
Much of environmental preparation involves planning for a wide range of scenarios, as NFL players must be ready for whatever the game throws at them. This is why virtually all teams now teach players to speak Chinese, as this prepares athletes for the possibility that a game is suddenly played in Chinese.
Nutrition And Recovery
Nutrition and recovery staffs are using more targeted strategies to keep players fueled and physically prepared throughout the season.
For linemen and other high-mass players, nutrition programs may include aggressive weight-maintenance protocols. “You know how they force-feed ducks a mixture of boiled corn and soybean fat to produce foie gras?” said Jordan Mazur, a nutritionist for the San Francisco 49ers. “That’s how we keep them big.”
In recent years, there’s been a greater emphasis on proper recovery throughout the league, and several organizations have invested heavily in time-interval metamorphic development. The recovery protocol requires players to enter chrysalises made from turf rubber and chewed Gatorade cups, where enzymes dissolve their old muscles and skin into a nutrient-rich slurry. Dormant cells then use the melted tissue to rapidly build a new, improved football body with fresher cartilage, thicker thighs, and fewer nagging injuries.
Strength And Contact Preparation
Strength staffs continue to refine offseason work around lower-body power, contact tolerance, and football-specific movement.
Steelers trainers build lower-body power by having players stand up from a very deep couch without groaning. Working on individual muscles is a central focus for Lions strength coach Josh Schuler, who meets with players every morning during training camp to point at their muscles one by one and say words such as “blitz” and “coverage.” If the muscle twitches, he takes it as a sign that the muscle understands football and is ready to compete.
Some teams use controlled neurological and contact simulations. The Patriots practice facility features a state-of-the-art concussion escape room, in which players are spun in a chair until extremely dizzy and subjected to controlled hammer-based head trauma before being locked in a room where they must solve puzzles, find a key, and answer questions like “How many fingers am I holding up?” while being whacked with pool noodles and blasted with sound cannons.
Certain players swear by individualized contact routines. “Twice a day during the summer, someone comes to my house and has their Rottweiler bite me on the leg,” said Jaguars quarterback Trevor Lawrence. “I don’t know why they do this, or what it has to do with football. Point is, it keeps happening.”
Ultimately, the goal of every program is simple: to give players the best chance to remain available and effective. In a long season, teams believe that level of preparation can make the difference.
The Onion.
ClickHole
Heartbreaking: This Initially Cute-Seeming Bookstore Is One Of The Ones Where All The Books Look Bad
Though its cobblestone facade and tasteful awning promised that the bookstore would be full of beloved staff picks and delightful new finds, sadly, just a minute inside revealed the truth: this initially cute-seeming bookstore is one of the ones where all the books look bad.
What a bummer.
While things still seemed promising when the bells chimed as you entered and the shop’s lone clerk waved a welcoming hello, as soon as you reached the new releases table and saw only C-tier romantasy and self-published vaguely alt-right stuff, you knew it was over. It’s not just that there were no recognizable covers in the bunch, but that every book looked like a knockoff of a different book that you already decided you didn’t want to read.
With shelves full of what look like sci-fi trilogies that weren’t good enough to be adapted into TV miniseries and historical fiction set during minor political events no one has ever heard about, it’s a serious wonder how this shop is possibly still in business. Maybe people are buying the notebooks with weird paisley and skull prints that are randomly $30, because it’s hard to imagine anyone’s buying these books called things like “The Magician’s Talon,” and “The Journey Of The Lymph Node (Fourth Edition).”
Woof. Sadly, what might have been the highlight of your trip has instead become an exercise in pretending to browse until it feels like you’ve been in the store long enough to respectfully exit.
Terrifying: There’s No Way To Distinguish This Pedophile From A Normal Guy Outside Of A Couple Of The Bumper Stickers On His Car
You’ve heard this before.
A deranged criminal blends in perfectly with normal society. No obvious red flags that he’s a monster.
“He seemed like such a nice, normal guy.”
“There weren’t any signs.”
“We never suspected a thing.”
And here’s yet another terrifying example: There’s no way to distinguish this pedophile from a normal guy outside of a couple of the bumper stickers on his car.
Chilling. Outside of this man’s disgusting thirst for children and a few bumper stickers on his car proudly proclaiming it, he could be anyone you know.
Thirty-four-year-old Halloween store clerk Justin Richardson has a sick secret that only he and anyone who’s ever driven behind him is aware of: He’s a full-blown pedophile. But those who know Justin, and haven’t noticed the bumper sticker on his Hyundai Elantra that says “Pedophile TO THE BONE!”, all consider him to be a funny, nice guy who they’d be happy to invite to go swimming at the beach with their kids.
Justin has a normal girlfriend, he’s never been in trouble with the law, and he is neat and tidy. The only place you’ll find any bumper stickers proudly announcing Justin’s pedophilia at all are in a few small, select places on his bumper, where there’s a “Don’t like my driving? That’s probably because I’m a PEDOPHILE!” bumper sticker next to a Grateful Dead bears decal.
This is just scary.
How many people like Justin walk among us, completely incognito, a monster hidden in plain sight, with the only sign that anything is off being a few bumper stickers that say stuff along the lines of, “Pass me my pedophilia and no one gets hurt!”? The scariest part is that if there’s one, there are many more. Stay vigilant, friends.
Awesome: Spalding Has Released A New Backboard With A Receipt Printer To Provide Players With Proof Of Dunk
Are there people in your life who refuse to believe that you can dunk a basketball? Get ready to watch your doubters asphyxiate in egg on their face thanks to this sports equipment company’s genius new product: Spalding has released a new backboard with a receipt printer to provide players with Proof Of Dunk.
How cool is that?! Spalding said, “Dunks With Documentation?” and dunkers said “Si, si, señora, por favor!”
Hitting store shelves this week is Spalding’s new ‘Regulation-Size Backboard With Proof Of Dunk Printer,’ a glass basketball backboard featuring an attached small printer that prints a receipt as verification of slam dunk. The backboard’s rim comes equipped with motion and audio sensor technology, so receipts can display stats about whether the dunk was one or two-handed, how long the player held on to the rim after dunking, and the decibel level of spectator reactions to the dunk. Plus, dangling from the backboard on a rope is a Spalding-branded ballpoint pen that players can use to sign the ‘Dunker’s Signature’ line at the receipt’s bottom.
“Whether you’re stunting at a local pick-up game or just hooping alone in your driveway, Spalding will prepare your Documented Evidence Of Dunk before you land back on the court after letting go of the hoop,” promises Spalding on the product’s packaging copy, which includes the slogan ‘Spalding Dunkers Bring Receipts.’ “Next time someone accuses you of lying about being able to dunk a basketball, watch them shove their own foot in their mouth deeper and deeper until their groin smushes against their lips when they realize…you’re a Spalding Dunker, so you Bring Receipts.”
Absolutely awesome. Spalding is truly a doubted dunker’s greatest ally.
A spokesperson for Spalding says the brand is currently in talks with the NBA to install Proof Of Dunk backboards on professional basketball courts, possibly as soon as the next season. As fans of dunk, we sure hope that’s the case. Props to Spalding for believing that no dunk should go undocumented and doing something about it!
Your Move, AOC: JD Vance Is Documenting His C*m-Eating Journey On Social Media To Destigmatize Eating Your Own C*m Every Day
Liberals across the country are applauding Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez for chronicling her egg-freezing process on social media with total openness and candor. However, our Vice President has responded by one-upping AOC’s vulnerability altogether, as he shares his personal experiences with a sensitive topic pertaining to men’s fertility: JD Vance is documenting his c*m-eating journey on social media to destigmatize eating your own c*m every day.
Whoa…turns out two can play at this game. How is AOC supposed to clap back at that?!
Since last week, V.P. Vance has been going toe-to-toe with AOC’s egg-freezing saga by posting daily vlogs, progress photos, and recipes he’s designed while consuming his own c*m every single morning. Vance explained in one post that he’s hoping to “normalize an option that all men can exercise with their semen, but are reluctant to talk about in public for fear of being judged as perverted or antisocial.”
“Eating your own c*m for every meal of the day, and sometimes dessert, isn’t taboo or anything to be ashamed of, like the Radical Left wants you to believe — it’s a men’s semen issue, and I’m here to dispel any myths or misgivings that could be holding you back from trying it yourself,” said Vance in an Instagram Reel shared yesterday, in which he masturbated his uncensored penis into a Trump/Vance 2024 coffee mug and then consumed his ejaculate with a biscotti.
“On average, American men spend over $7,000 on groceries and eating out each year. Your own c*m is free. 100% free. Too many men are shamed into spending money on vegetables and meat when they have a completely free meal waiting in their own testicles,” Vance explained as he ejaculated into a lunchbox, offering viewers a simple, c*m-based lunch men can pack for work.
Dang…JD Vance has stolen AOC’s thunder in a major way.
The Vice President’s c*m-eating journey has taken the spotlight from AOC’s egg-freezing journey for now, but you have to respect both politicians for humanizing themselves before the entire Internet. Regardless of where you fall on the political spectrum, all Americans can support destigmatizing egg-freezing and c*m-eating!
Mystery Solved! The Property Brothers Just Appeared Without Their Iconic Head-Shaped Helmets For The First Time
One of television’s most iconic duos just gave the world a glimpse at their true selves, and we’re pretty sure that the entertainment industry—and the world—will never be the same: The Property Brothers just appeared without their iconic head-shaped helmets for the first time.
This is not a drill, folks! One of the most enduring mysteries of all time has finally been solved, and now we know what the Property Brothers actually look like!
The monumental reveal took place during last night’s episode of Property Brothers: Under Pressure. At the beginning of the episode, Drew and Jonathan Scott stood in front of the camera and explained to their audience that after years of fan speculation about what they looked like underneath their iconic head-shaped helmets, they were ready to show viewers their true faces. They then pulled off their helmets and revealed their real heads, officially ushering in a new era for the Property Brothers and their legion of dedicated fans!
Absolutely amazing! Needless to say this is going to take some getting used to, but it’s awesome to get to see the real faces behind the legendary Property Brothers team for the very first time!
“When we first met each other twenty years ago, we knew we needed a gimmick to stand out in the cutthroat real estate world, so we decided to wear helmets in the shape of two similar-looking men,” Drew explained to viewers. “As soon as we started appearing on TV in our helmets, people started speculating about what we actually looked like under there, and that mystique really helped boost our profile and kickstart our careers.”
Throughout the episode, the lack of helmets provided fans with a totally new perspective on the Property Brothers. Nearly every five minutes, Drew kept spitting up all over himself and had to explain to the audience that he had been something he had been doing constantly since he and Drew had started appearing on TV together in 2011, but the helmet usually caught all the vomit and concealed it from the camera.
Meanwhile, Drew was able to show off his real head as “the face Zooey Deschanel fell in love with,” explaining that the actress didn’t even know that he was a Property Brother until five years into their relationship, when she found his “Drew Scott” helmet buried deep inside his closet. “Sometimes I’ll catch her walking around the house with Drew’s head-helmet on,” he admitted with a laugh.
It’s so awesome to get this kind of unfiltered insight into one of the most iconic celebrity couples out there! The Property Brothers really know how to treat their fans right.
Well, needless to say we are floored. This groundbreaking episode of TV is going to go down in history as one of the most iconic in broadcast history, because at long last we know what the Property Brothers really look like. This is a totally new era for this incredible real-estate team, and we couldn’t be more excited!
Duffel Blog
Sleeping Marine aces hearing test
TWENTYNINE PALMS, Calif. — Marine Cpl. Brian Willis was found to have perfect hearing this week after sleeping through his annual hearing conservation test, according to medical officials.“We realized Corporal Willis was three days overdue on his audiogram,” said Navy Lt. Cmdr. David Sage, chief of naval medicine at Twentynine Palms. “This immediately became a readiness emergency.”Sage said military medicine can occasionally tolerate delays involving chronic pain, specialty referrals and other minor concerns, but an overdue hearing test represents a direct threat to national security.“We cannot have a Marine running around this installation with an expired green box in MRRS,” Sage said, referring to the Medical Readiness Reporting System.Willis received a call from his staff sergeant at 9:35 p.m. ordering him to report for a hearing test “right fucking now.”Unfortunately, the clinic had closed approximately four minutes after notifying his command that he was delinquent.Medical personnel then initiated a contingency plan.At 1:43 a.m., two Navy corpsmen entered Willis’ barracks room, placed headphones over his ears and administered the audiogram while he slept.Willis failed to respond to every tone.“Excellent consistency,” one corpsman wrote in the remarks section.After confirming Willis had demonstrated no significant threshold shift, no significant movement of any kind and no apparent awareness that medical personnel were inside his bedroom, the corpsmen marked him medically ready.They then packed up the equipment, took a beer from his refrigerator and left.“Nobody likes doing house calls,” one corpsman said. “But readiness is readiness.”Willis was not notified of his results because the test had already been successfully entered into the system.“This was a flawless operation,” Sage said. “The important thing isn’t whether Corporal Willis can hear. The important thing is that the Marine Corps has documentation showing we checked.”Willis appeared confused when informed of the procedure.“Wait,” he said. “They broke into my room?”Officials said Willis’ inability to hear two corpsmen entering his barracks room, assembling medical equipment beside his bed and placing headphones over his ears was not considered clinically relevant because his hearing requirement was now green.At press time, U.S. Central Command had reportedly paused combat operations long enough for several hundred troops to complete overdue hearing conservation tests before returning to an environment specifically designed to destroy their hearing.🖊️Red Friday wants you to Remember EVERYONE Deployed
Trump mulls leaving seamen in Iran without Plan B
WASHINGTON — President Donald Trump is reportedly considering sending thousands of Marines into Iran without Plan B, alarming Pentagon officials who initially thought he was proposing the longest shore leave in American history.“We may put seamen in Iran," Trump told reporters. "And when we do, we'll hit them hard. Harder every night. After a couple nights of getting hit really hard by my seamen. They'll be begging me to stop. 'Please, please, Mr. President, we just can't take it anymore.”He later added, “If Iran wants to keep fucking me, I’ll see them at Kharg Island.”Asked whether the president had a Plan B if penetrating Iranian defenses if seamen failed, Trump shook his head.“Plan B is for losers.”Pentagon officials later clarified that Trump meant Marines, not seamen.“The president has been briefed repeatedly that Marines are not technically seamen,” said one defense official. “He understands the distinction for about 15 minutes. Then someone says 'amphibious penetration' and we're right back where we started.”Within hours, military medical commands began receiving inquiries asking whether the nation's strategic reserve of emergency contraceptives had been depleted as badly as its missile interceptors.“The president was referring to a contingency plan,” said a Joint Staff officer. “Somehow we ended up discussing what happens when you put 20,000 sexually frustrated Marines ashore without a protection strategy.”Officials stressed that the United States maintains extensive plans for military operations against Iran, although they could only confirm the plans were “really big" while noting they had been preparing for this day for more than 50 years.“We have CONOPs, OPLANs, branches, sequels, decision points, off-ramps and approximately 40 years of PowerPoint,” one officer said. “What we don't currently have is an answer to the question, ‘Then what?’”Military planners said taking Iranian territory would be difficult but well within the capabilities of U.S. forces.“The military is exceptionally good at getting seamen somewhere,” said retired Adm. Nelson Mercer. “It's what happens after they arrive that historically gets a little ‘contraceptual.’”
Congress proposes veterans fight to the death for expanded benefits
WASHINGTON — Facing criticism over a proposal to fund new veterans benefits partly through savings from future disability claims, congressional leaders unveiled a compromise this week requiring veterans to personally kill other veterans and absorb their benefits.The new funding mechanism, dubbed “Veteran Highlander,” would allow Congress to expand programs such as the Major Richard Star Act without increasing the overall amount of money spent on veterans.“It solves the fundamental problem,” House Veterans’ Affairs Committee Chairman Rep. Mike Bost said. “Veterans want more benefits. Congress doesn’t want to pay for more benefits. So now veterans can simply take benefits from one another.”Under the proposal, any veteran seeking an increased disability rating could challenge another VA beneficiary to hand-to-hand combat. The winner would assume the defeated veteran’s disability compensation, Special Monthly Compensation, remaining GI Bill entitlement, and any unused Lowe’s discount.“There can be only one 100% permanent and total,” Bost said.The proposal comes amid controversy over the Take Care of America’s Veterans Act, which includes the long-sought Major Richard Star Act but relies partly on projected savings from changes to how the Department of Veterans Affairs evaluates tinnitus and sleep apnea for future claims.Critics have accused lawmakers of making one group of veterans pay for benefits promised to another.Bost said Veteran Highlander merely makes that arrangement “more transparent and substantially more entertaining.”“We’ve been doing this through spreadsheets,” he said. “Now we’re letting veterans settle it using skills taxpayers already paid to teach them.”House Veterans’ Affairs Committee Chairman Rep. Mike Bost championed the initiative, saying it "solves the fundamental problem."Veterans service organizations remain divided.The Veterans of Foreign Wars, which has strongly opposed the proposed disability changes, recently drew congressional criticism over a cartoon depicting veterans facing a firing squad.“I found that image deeply offensive,” Bost said. “Not because veterans were being shot, obviously. It just suggested Congress would do the shooting ourselves.”Under Veteran Highlander, he explained, the federal government would merely provide the venue.The American Legion, which has backed TCAVA, welcomed assurances that current disability ratings would largely remain protected under the new combat system.“Our membership is pleased with the grandfather provision,” one Legion official said. “We spent decades fighting for these benefits, and now younger veterans can literally do the same.”
Hegseth declares blow jobs not gay if both men are fit, clean-shaven
WASHINGTON — Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth clarified Pentagon policy on homosexuality this week, declaring that oral sex between two men is not gay provided both participants are physically fit and clean-shaven.“It’s plain and simple,” Hegseth said. “I don’t want fatties or beardos in my military, and I don’t want them involved in any other activities affecting unit cohesion.”“But,” Hegseth continued while refreshing his Threads feed, “if two warriors are fit, clean-shaven, and meeting the male standard, then by definition it’s not gay.”Hegseth said the policy was based on extensive historical research.“Look at the Spartans,” he said. “Those dudes were constantly doing stuff with each other, and they had incredibly high testosterone. In fact, I’m pretty sure semen is basically concentrated testosterone. It literally has ‘men’ in the name.”Pentagon officials later clarified that this is not how either semen or etymology works.Former Sen. Lindsey Graham, who died last month, was contacted for comment via Ouija board.“AHHHHH! IT BURNS!” Graham said before the planchette slowly spelled out, “A STRONG MILITARY IS A MASCULINE MILITARY.”Hegseth nodded approvingly before burning the board.“Exactly,” he said. “The goal is lethality. And how are we supposed to annex Canada if our troops can’t engage in a little close-quarters bilateral cooperation?”Former Chief of Naval Operations Adm. Lisa Franchetti questioned the strategic logic.“Look, I watched Heated Rivalry. I understand the appeal,” Franchetti said. “The guys are cute. But you cannot construct U.S. force posture around how much the secretary enjoys a gay hockey show. We used to be a serious country.”Chairman of the Joint Chiefs Gen. Dan Caine appeared exhausted when asked whether he supported the new interpretation.“Jesus, this again?” Caine said.According to Caine, Hegseth began sending him Heated Rivalry clips around New Year’s.“I told him my daughter liked the show,” Caine said. “I thought that would end the conversation. Instead, Pete started sending me Threads links, fan edits, and whatever the hell a ‘Shilya’ is.”Caine said Hegseth soon became especially interested in Shane Hollander, the American hockey player portrayed in the series.“He told me the American kid needed to be in uniform,” Caine said. “Then he said it was his personal mission to breed him—”Caine paused.“Draft. He said draft. Put draft in the transcript.”Asked whether Hegseth’s fixation had influenced actual defense policy, Caine poured himself a double whiskey.“Look, I just work here,” he said. “But Pete is suddenly much more enthusiastic about annexing Canada because he thinks that means we get the Russian one too somehow.”Caine stared silently into his glass.“I remember when I used to have dreams.”🖊️Gray Sea Liu is a former naval Officer, current smart ass
Staff command works hard to accomplish nothing
FAYETTEVILLE, N.C. — Members of the 143rd Support Command staff worked late into the evening last week in an extraordinary effort to accomplish absolutely nothing, sources confirmed today.Capt. Roger Mercer, the command’s operations officer, began the day by scheduling three pre-meetings to prepare for a meeting that would determine the agenda for a 5 p.m. meeting with the commanding officer.Attendees were instructed to “come with an open mind and be prepared to discuss,” though nobody was told what they would be discussing.“We really need to get left of this,” Mercer said during the first pre-meeting. “But before we make any decisions, I’d like to form a working group and circle back.”By lunch, the working group had established a battle rhythm, created a Teams channel, appointed a note-taker and scheduled its first meeting for the following week.Several subordinate units contacted Mercer seeking guidance on upcoming requirements.“Just do it like you did last time,” he told each of them, referring to tasks they had never performed before.When pressed for clarification, Mercer forwarded a four-year-old operations order for an unrelated exercise with the instructions: “Same basic concept. Just update the dates.”“Mercer is the best staff officer I have,” Col. Daniel Wallace said. “His ability to synergize, circle back, sidebar and piggyback off what someone else just said is second to none.”Wallace praised Mercer for occupying what he called the ideal staff-officer performance band.“He’s not good enough that anyone would risk putting him somewhere important, but he’s nowhere near bad enough to get rid of.”The command’s administrative section was equally productive.Samantha Breck, a GS-7, configured her inbox to automatically reject all incoming paperwork with the message, “Incorrect. Fix and resubmit,” before leaving for a three-hour lunch.When soldiers emailed asking what was incorrect, Breck replied, “Someone at your command knows how to do this. Ask around.”Nobody did.At 4:45 p.m., the command’s master task tracker showed 37 overdue requirements, 14 tasks awaiting clarification and not a single completed item.Staff members nevertheless congratulated one another on a productive day and went home.Two civilian employees and a major remained behind for another hour discussing fantasy football, retirement eligibility and how the Army had gone to shit sometime around the first Obama administration.At 2 a.m., Mercer began calling units conducting field training to demand why they were following instructions his office had issued earlier that day.He then turned off his phone and went back to sleep.Mercer awoke five hours later to dozens of frantic messages asking whether the mission had changed.“Oh, yeah,” he said. “I meant to tell them never mind.”At press time, Mercer was drafting an after-action review identifying subordinate units’ failure to communicate as the primary cause of the confusion.🖊️Red Friday wants you to Remember EVERYONE Deployed
Daily Mash
Feminist icon Gloria Steinem was pretty fit
TRIBUTES to feminist campaigner Gloria Steinem have highlighted that she was quite the looker back in the day.
Articles about the life of the pioneering second-wave feminist and Ms. magazine co-founder have served as timely a reminder that, just as importantly, she was easy on the eye.
Martin Bishop from Stroud said: “It’s a sad day for women, they’ve lost a key figure I’ve only just heard about. Also: would.
“It says here she did loads of impressive things like co-founding the National Women’s Political Caucus and the Women’s Action Alliance. I wonder what her skincare routine was though, because damn she’s cute.
“Maybe her good looks were key to her success? Men were never going to kowtow to some frumpy battleaxe. But look at those sultry eyes and lustrous locks. I’d let her be the first woman to speak at the National Press Club any day. Phwoar.
“No wonder she managed to infiltrate the Playboy Mansion as a Bunny Girl with a figure like that, the saucy minx. I’ll have to dig it out and give it a read. For entirely feminist purposes, of course.”
Feminist Nikki Hollis said: “It’s chauvinist attitudes like Martin’s that Steinem railed against. Which makes it all the more annoying that he’s not wrong.”
Our policies will have to be even more bollocks to distract from this, says Reform
REFORM are making the policies at today’s party conference 45 per cent more bollocks to distract from an expose of illegal funding.
Preposterous, unworkable policies like MPs working seven-day weeks and declaring a national emergency on their first day in office are no longer sufficient to dazzle the media, with aides working overtime to make them even more ludicrous.
An insider said: “When you’re already claiming you’re going to cut benefit for Reform-supporting benefits claimants by £80 billion, that’s not easy. But we’ve found a way.
“Jenrick’s now going to take the stage promising to cut benefits by £665 billion – double the annual benefits bill – which will save so much money we can afford handouts to every man, woman and Reform-supporting joyriding 10-year-old in the country.
“Braverman’s following that up with the claim that Nigel, through the sheer power of his patriotism, can control the tides and repel all boats to France without a shot being fired.
“Zia Yusuf will pledge to personally fight in the playground any teacher who fails a white child while passing a brown one, and all energy will be free. How? Because it comes from the ground!
“What was that ker-ching noise? Ah f**k, another £6 million in crypto donations has come in. Okay lads, now they’ve got to be 75 per cent more bollocks.”
How to take your Welshness to the next level, with Michael Sheen
ACTOR Michael Sheen wants the Royals to stop using the title ‘Prince of Wales’, and he certainly takes his Welsh identity seriously. Here he gives his advice on how to boost your Welshness.
Oppose Royal Welsh titles
Calling Wills the ‘Prince of Wales’ suggests he’s in charge of Wales, which he isn’t, and the incumbent hasn’t been Welsh since 1282, so start a campaign against it. Opposing medieval Royal bullshit people take about as seriously as Shrek is definitely a good use of your time.
Reconsider your stance on sheep
There is absolutely no evidence that the Welsh have ever engaged in bestiality with sheep at a higher rate than any other rural population. However centuries of xenophobic slurs and playground jokes mean that it is actually part of the Welsh national identity now, so you have to start doing it. I find Black Welsh Mountain sheep to be the most generous lovers.
Speak Welsh at all times
Learn Welsh and use it as your first language even if you live in England or Scotland. The next time you speak to your dentist, say: ‘Hoffwn i archebu apwyntiad gyda’r hylenydd, os gwelwch yn dda.’ If they don’t understand your polite request to see the hygienist, it’s racism.
Welshmaxx your diet
It’s easy to eat classic dishes like Welsh rarebit, but you should strive to cram as much Welshness into every meal as possible. I like to stuff a Bara Brith fruit loaf with lamb chops and boiled leeks and serve it with melted cheese and Worcestershire sauce on a bed of Llandudno candyfloss. Delicious, I tell myself as I’m bent over the toilet.
Learn boring and obscure history
Anyone passionate about their national identity should look up obscure historical figures and be furious about their lack of recognition. Figures like the unsung Welsh hero Robert Recorde, who invented the ‘=’ sign in 1557. Without him we wouldn’t be able to do maths and there wouldn’t be a calculator app on your computer – you’d have to use an abacus.
Take up rugby union
It’s time to ditch your fitness regime of jogging or a regular swim and join a rugby union club full of enormous men who will snap you like a twig. Your injuries will be horrific, you’ll hate every second of singing misogynistic rugby songs, and even your fellow players will beg you to stop before you get killed, but it’s worth it for all the Welshness.
Become a Welsh actor
There’s nothing more Welsh than being a legendary actor like Richard Burton or Anthony Hopkins, and I myself have had a wonderful life making critically acclaimed films like Tron: Legacy and Underworld: Rise of the Lycans. I only hope that one day I can play the role every Welsh actor dreams of: Ivor the Engine.
Reform conference to include £5m gifts for everyone
Man proud of his simple, homespun porn tastes
A MAN has stressed that he is a modest chap with simple porn tastes.
30-year-old Jack Browne is proud of the fact that he eschews modern fads such as hentai and piss play in favour of traditional hardcore pornography featuring threesomes, large breasts and blowjobs.
Browne said: “Call me an old-fashioned country mouse, but I’ve no time for these newfangled trends. No niche searches, no hole-in-the-wall or BDSM for me.
“I just like honest-to-goodness highly unrealistic sexual encounters I can have a good wank over, like my father and his father before him. I assume. I’ve never asked.
“At the end of a hard day, give me some girl-on-girl, a few cheerleaders, a bit of ejaculating on a lady’s face – I’m no pervert. I’m always satisfied with wholesome family fare. Well, not family members. Unless it’s a hot stepsister scenario, which I also enjoy.
“You can keep your weirdo stuff, I’ll carry on wanking to the classics, thanks. I’m basically a monk like that. A housewife who’s ordered a pizza and can’t pay? You can’t go wrong with that.
“If you’ll excuse me, I’m off to bed with a mug of cocoa and a classic movie. Featuring Angela White.”
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