WASHINGTON—As he struggled to remember how his remarks on sending more troops to the Middle East had digressed into a tangent on the blockbuster movie franchise, President Donald Trump reportedly became unsure Monday how his rambling speech on Iran had veered off into a ranking of the Pirates Of The Caribbean films. “The first one is undeniably a classic, number one with a bullet, truly the best,” the president said during a press conference, furrowing his brow as he tried to recall how his forceful rhetoric about the Strait of Hormuz had slowly given way to praise of Javier Bardem’s “totally underrated” performance in the fifth film of the series. “Number two is either Dead Man’s Chest or At World’s End, hard to say, but Davy Jones—who’s actually a tremendous character, really great—Davy Jones made that franchise what it is. Unlike the crooked Jack Sparrow. I have all the DVDs. I have the best DVDs. You know, it’s a shame they stopped after five movies. If I got Jerry Bruckheimer and Keira Knightley in the same room, I could make a deal on a sixth. I’d do it in five minutes, maybe less.” After agreeing to take a few questions from reporters, Trump responded to an inquiry about the Iran war’s timeline by humming Hans Zimmer’s iconic theme music from the films for three uninterrupted minutes.
JERUSALEM—In an effort to soften the blow for a human race eagerly awaiting His glorious arrival, Jesus Christ, the Son of God, clarified Monday that His return would be strictly limited to His carpentry business. “While I will soon appear once more upon the earthly realm, My sole focus during this Second Coming will be various woodworking projects and not the establishment of a messianic kingdom,” said Christ, the Light of the World, adding that He was looking forward to finishing the walnut kitchen island He had set aside for His martyrdom two millennia ago. “I realize many of you were looking forward to Me performing various miracles and casting Satan into a lake of fire, but I honestly can’t wait to spend My time building bookshelves, artisanal cabinets, and handcrafted chess sets—you can’t get that perfect rosewood for the pieces in heaven. We didn’t have power tools in Galilee back in the day, so I’m also excited to find out what I can accomplish with a band saw and a router, even if the righteous will, unfortunately, not be resurrected.” The King of Kings went on to request that His followers not pray to Him unless they were potential clients reaching out for an estimate.
BOSTON—In startling new research connecting gaming habits with verbal behavior, a Boston College study published Monday found that young children who played violent video games were significantly more likely to say “That’s Goro” when shown a picture of Goro. “While their peers who did not play violent video games failed to identify Goro when presented with multiple images of the four-armed warrior humanoid, the children familiar with violent games immediately, and quite alarmingly, recognized him as ‘that guy from Mortal Kombat,'” said lead researcher Daphne Cronin, adding that those same children were exponentially more predisposed toward knowing both that Goro shoots fireballs and that those fireballs are green. “Not one of the children who didn’t play violent video games was aware that Goro has a stomp move where he jumps up into the sky and then crushes you, compared with a universal awareness of the impossible-to-dodge attack on the part of the other group. Interestingly, we saw the same shocking discrepancy with regard to the move where Goro grabs you with two hands and punches you repeatedly with the other two.” The study echoes previous research that found young children who watched violent movies were much more likely to point to a photo and say “That’s Leatherface.”
WASHINGTON—Saying the expansive response was entirely justified based on the dire state of her physical appearance, outgoing Homeland Security Secretary Kristi Noem defended the use of force on her own face Thursday.
During a press conference, the 54-year-old soon-to-be former Cabinet member spoke proudly of her role in what she described as the “greatest facial transformation operation in American history.” Lashing out at Democrats she accused of being “liberal extremists,” Noem called targeted campaigns against her lips, cheeks, and hairline an unequivocal success, and said she did not regret her decision to “show no mercy” in her attack on problem areas throughout her tenure.
“Despite what the radical left says, this has been the most successful operation ever carried out on my face,” said Noem, adding that the multipronged cosmetic mission backed by the U.S. Border Patrol, Immigration and Customs Enforcement, and the National Guard had made impressive strides in restoring order to the chaos that previously plagued her features. “The Trump administration has a zero-tolerance policy for facial imperfections and will not rest until every single one of my blemishes, wrinkles, and crow’s-feet are eliminated.”
“Thanks to President Trump’s unwavering resolve on this issue, the fullness of my lips, cheeks, and smile have been restored,” Noem continued. “Phase one of this makeover may be complete, but make no mistake—the battle has just begun.”
Noem, who spearheaded operations including Operation Midriff Contour and Operation Dermal Surge, has refused to apologize for her tactics, stating during a congressional hearing this month that any filler migration around her lips, chipped veneers, or lopsided breast implants was “exactly what people like her deserved.”
In a Truth Social post, President Donald Trump praised the work Noem had done, saying that he had reviewed photos and videos of the secretary from her years as South Dakota’s governor and that her face had been a “vicious situation.” He then threatened to invoke the Insurrection Act should she ever look like that again.
Members of Congress, however, reiterated that it wasn’t a crime to age naturally and that doing so did not make Americans domestic terrorists. Some Democrats even walked out of the hearing in protest, saying they’d seen firsthand how repeated cosmetic violence traumatized Noem’s children, wasted millions in federal funds, and needlessly ripped apart wealthy, well-connected families, including both the secretary’s and Corey Lewandowski’s.
“Based on everything I’ve seen, Kristi Noem has a face that is unfit to lead the DHS,” Sen. Thom Tillis (R-NC) said during the secretary’s testimony before the Senate Judiciary Committee, stating that past leaders of the agency never had so much as a minor cellulite treatment and that Noem’s latest lip filler injections constituted a “crime against humanity.” “She claims to only go after the worst of the worst of her features, but our nation waits in fear to see what type of hack job she’ll deploy on herself next.”
“Her surgeon should be tried in The Hague,” Tillis added. “History will not look back on Kristi Noem and her barbaric facelifts fondly.”
After the hearing, Noem announced that she’d taken her private plane to the U.S.–Mexico border to begin a new offensive her department has dubbed Operation BBL.
A "No Kings" rally isn't just an excuse to take off work while protesting a thing that doesn't exist in America — it's also a great way to find love. Knowing what the chicks at a "No Kings" protest want to hear is the key.
U.S. — As baseball's opening weekend ended with the sports world buzzing about the new Automated Ball-Strike System changing the game, MLB umpires admitted that they've kinda just been guessing this whole time.
VATICAN CITY — Pope Leo boldly proclaimed today that God does not listen to the prayers of those who wage war, so long as you don't count King David, or Joshua, or Gideon, or Samson, or Elijah, or Hezekiah, or any of those other people in the Bible.
The internet is currently on fire after one of the most iconic celebrities in the United States just gave the world a peek behind the curtain of his public persona: Pikachu just said “divorced Pikachu.”
Absolutely shocking. This is a rare glimpse into the personal life of one of the most private Pokémon in America.
Pikachu made his earth-shaking revelation yesterday evening while walking the red carpet at a charity auction at the Georgia O’Keefe Museum in Sante Fe to raise money for Charizard, who is recovering from injuries he sustained when his tour van crashed in Michigan last month. While ABC’s George Pennacchio was interviewing Ryan Gosling about his recent film, Project Hail Mary, Pikachu grabbed the mic and said, “Divorced Pikachu” before going inside the museum.
That one fateful statement has immediately set off a wildfire of rumors and speculation that all is not well in Casa De Pikachu.
While Pikachu has become a global megastar from his appearances in Pokémon video games, movies, and television series, up until now the electric-type mouse Pokémon had rarely divulged details about his home life or family. Most of Pikachu’s public statements were either him shouting his own name, or a shortened version of it such as “Pika” or “Pi,” which left gossip bloggers grasping at straws as they tried to find out any juicy details about what went on with him when he went home after a long day of killing other Pokémon.
But by saying, “Divorced Pikachu,” Pikachu is making one thing clear to everyone: His marriage is over.
“We tend to view Pikachu as a larger-than-life celebrity who does nothing but electrocute other Pokémon and sometimes try to murder Mario and Samus, but when he said ‘Divorced Pikachu’ it was a reminder that Pikachu is just like everybody else,” New York Times columnist Thomas Friedman wrote in a recent op-ed. “Even though it might feel like we know Pikachu because we see him on TV, the real Pikachu is a complex thunder mouse with his own personal problems and hidden tragedies.”
While internet sleuths are desperately trying to discover the identity of Pikachu’s now-ex-wife or uncover the details that led to the end of the marriage, Pikachu himself has largely declined to fill in the blanks for the drama-hungry public. When reporters from TMZ approached him for further comment, he attacked them with Electro Web. But even if we don’t know all the sordid details yet, this is still stunning information. Here’s hoping Pikachu is able to pick up the pieces in the wake of his divorce and is able to find love again! We can’t wait until Pikachu says “Remarried Pikachu” someday soon!
Filing your taxes can be a stressful ordeal, but thankfully, one tax prep company is stepping up to make its users feel more at ease: H&R Block’s e-file software has added a feature where a kind lady tells you that you did a good job on your taxes for an extra $45.
So much yes!
Upon filing their 2025 taxes, H&R Block customers will now be presented with the option to “Receive A Confidence Boost.” For $45, users will be sent a downloadable PDF file of a smiling woman giving a thumbs up with a speech bubble saying that filing your taxes is hard work and you did really a great job. Although the software does most of the work, H&R Block has explained that users often feel such anxiety about the whole process that this little reminder of their excellent performance goes a long way.
H&R Block has pulled out a few more stops with this feature, too. For an additional $25, the woman will tell you that the crying freakout you had after learning you owe money on your federal taxes was totally normal, and for an additional $100, the woman will let you know that the government probably won’t send you to jail because of something you messed up on your taxes. Although she cannot legally give you a definite answer on the jail thing, that “probably” is going to provide some serious peace of mind to customers who panic immediately post-filing that they did their taxes completely wrong and will forever pay the price.
Now this is how you do customer service right!
While the company has yet to reveal if the woman is an H&R Block employee or a tax expert, she looks pretty middle-aged, which has thus far been deemed very comforting to users.
Your move, TurboTax, because this is definitely changing the e-file game!
This is fantastic news: Trader Joe’s just raised their parking lot speed limit to 70 mph! No longer will we have to limit ourselves to cruising their parking lots at barely 50—we can finally go as fast as we need to. This just made grocery shopping 100x better!
If you are a man, get ready to stand up and cheer, because one of the most important clothing stores in the world just announced a game-changing new policy that’s going to make your life more incredible than ever before: Men’s Wearhouse will now let you have your suit fitted while under anesthesia!
Fuck. Yes. Looks like men finally have something to celebrate!
For generations, men have had to suffer through endless suit fittings while fully conscious, experiencing every excruciating second as a tailor dragged tape measures all over their thighs and shoulders. That living nightmare is about to become a thing of the past, however, because starting today, Men’s Wearhouse is now offering their customers an IV drip of general anesthesia that will keep them in a drug-induced state of total unconsciousness while their team of expert tailors measures their dimensions to fit them for their world-class suits.
There’s literally never been a better time to be a man!
“For generations, Men’s Wearhouses across the country were filled with the sounds of men shrieking in agony as they were poked and prodded with invasive measuring tools and excruciating chalks, but no longer,” said Men’s Wearhouse CEO Peter Sachse, who said he made the decision to provide anesthesia to shoppers after witnessing a man begging for death while getting fitted for a Kenneth Cole Chillflex suit last year. “From here on out, you’ll walk into a Men’s Wearhouse, enter a medically-induced state of oblivion, and wake up to a perfectly fitted suit. We don’t live in Medieval times anymore, and this was long overdue.”
If you hear the sound of millions of people applauding outside your window right now, it’s probably all the men in America celebrating this major W, one that’s been long overdue and is one of the biggest steps toward living in a perfect society that has ever been taken. We can’t wait to head down to the nearest Men’s Wearhouse and slip into painless oblivion while we get fitted for our next formal occasion. Other clothing companies, take note: this is how you’re supposed to treat men!
Hello, everyone. Jeffrey Epstein here. You’ve probably heard about my emails. I was recently hacked by the Department of Justice, who published my entire inbox for the public to ogle (DOJ? More like TMZ…). Welp.
I cannot stop you from gossiping over my private correspondences and making your own presumptions about who I am and what I stand for. But I can speak for myself — and as an independent thinker, who’s never been afraid to go against the grain of popular consensus, ‘speaking for myself’ usually means expressing views that are guaranteed to polarize. “Wait, how can Mr. Epstein speak for himself if he died in 2019?” you must be wondering. Well, boy oh boy, have I come to ClickHole.com with some news for you:
I, Jeffrey Epstein, am not only alive, but I also have a subway take that is going to piss off a lot of people.
If Subway Takes existed before I went to jail or faked my own death in jail, let me assure you: I, Jeffrey Epstein would’ve been on it, and my hot take would’ve broken the Internet. My subway take is so scorching hot that it would’ve gotten me murdered in jail for real. But alas. Kareem Rahma’s subway program only began long, long after I could be a guest on it without raising questions. So, unfortunately, I’ve never had an opportunity to share my scorched earth hot take…until now. Because I no longer give a damn if the world knows I’m alive after all, and the world will soon be too preoccupied with the discourse my subway take starts to give a damn that I’m actually alive anyway.
Are you ready to hear the late Jeffrey Epstein’s subway take? You may think you are, but you’re really, really not.
First, allow me to set the scene, so you can experience my subway take as you would if Kareem Rahma invited me, Jeffrey Epstein, who is currently alive and well (correct), on his Internet talk show program. Close your eyes: Imagine Kareem Rahma and me sitting on the L train. It’s rush hour. The train is very, very crowded. Everyone is staring at me, wondering if their eyes are deceiving them. I return their stares with a wink. Mr. Rahma raises his MetroCard microphone to his lips. He looks me, Jeffrey Epstein, in the eyes, and asks, “So, what’s your take?” I raise my MetroCard microphone to my lips. I smirk. And then, I deliver the subway take to end all subway takes:
“I love destination weddings. Love ‘em. I don’t care how much the travel costs, or how much time I have to take off of work. I’m going. Give me a reason to travel and see new places! Like, your wedding’s in a beautiful foreign country? Great! I’ve probably never been! I literally had no good reason to go, and now I have an incredible one! I might even stay a whole week after the wedding to explore! And if I have friends or family that were invited too, we get to spend time together in a wonderful, exotic place? Even better. How often do you have an excuse to do that? What a gift. What a special gift. People who whine about destination weddings are the same people who whine about going to weddings in general, and those people are boring, miserable, they have no sense of romance, and they’re honestly a waste of a wedding invite. Dang, you have to rent a beautiful suit or dress to celebrate someone you love on the best day of their life? Poor you. That’s money you could be spending on important stuff, like…DoorDash? Netflix? Amazon crap? Get over yourself, cheap-o! It’s love, baby: lean in and live a little! This is what life’s all about!”
Kareem Rahma immediately nods and says he agrees with me, Jeffrey Epstein.
Well, there you have it. I, Jeffrey Epstein, am alive, and everyone’s mad at me all over again because no one can handle an actual hot take. Hey, you can call me out of touch or over-privileged, but you can’t say that I’m afraid to speak my mind or that I’m dead. What can I say? I’m just a hyper-opinionated Jewish-American Prince from Brooklyn who is very much alive, contrary to popular belief. You’re welcome for all the engagement I just scored you, Subway Takes!
WASHINGTON — A new national poll released this week found that a majority of Americans were surprised to learn the war with Iran is still happening, roughly two weeks after most people stopped paying attention.
When asked what the United States should do about the conflict and whether they supported deploying ground troops, 72 percent of respondents reportedly replied, “Wait… that’s not over?”
Analysts say the public attention cycle following a national crisis tends to follow a familiar pattern.
On the first Saturday the news broke, millions of Americans were glued to their phones watching dramatic footage of missile strikes and air defenses lighting up the night sky across social media.
“Everyone was sharing the videos,” said polling director Mark Caldwell. “There were maps, military threads, amateur geopolitical experts explaining the Strait of Hormuz. It was a huge weekend.”
On Sunday, Iranian forces responded in kind, and both the conflict and online discourse escalated rapidly. That evening, the national mood shifted to talk shows, group texts, and highly confident predictions about how the conflict would unfold.
SPONSORED
They make coffee. They fund real reporting with it.
No paywalls on the important stuff. No vague “support independent journalism” speeches. Just good coffee and investigations that actually go somewhere.
If you’ve ever wondered who’s paying for the news — this one’s straightforward.
“People were saying things like ‘this will be over in a week’ and ‘Iran can’t possibly sustain this,’” Caldwell said. “A lot of very authoritative takes from people who had just learned where Iran was.”
From Monday through Wednesday, the war became the dominant topic in workplaces across the country.
Corporate Teams and Slack channels filled with strategic analysis, with coworkers debating air defense capabilities during lunch and confidently explaining the difference between ballistic and cruise missiles after watching half of a YouTube video.
By Thursday afternoon, however, interest had begun to wane.
“New war videos started drying up, and people began asking if anyone had watched that new Netflix show yet,” Caldwell said.
By Friday, most Americans had quietly moved on to other priorities, including Spring Break, hiking, and learning how pickleball works.
“Pickleball just exploded on Friday,” Caldwell said. “The war never really had a chance after that.”
Defense officials confirmed the conflict has continued uninterrupted during the period in which the public stopped monitoring it.
Missile exchanges, regional mobilizations, and diplomatic maneuvering have persisted daily, though many Americans first learned this when the poll was conducted.
“I thought that ended like two weekends ago,” said one respondent from Ohio. “Didn’t we bomb something and everyone kind of agreed that was enough?”
Another respondent said he assumed the situation had resolved itself because it stopped appearing in his social media feed.
“I figured if it was still happening it would be trending,” he said. “Is that why gas prices are going back up?”
After the pollster briefly mentioned the Strait of Hormuz, the man frowned.
“Wait, what? Shouldn’t the Navy have secured that on day one?” he said. “Like take out the leadership, bomb the nuclear sites, wipe out the missiles, secure the Strait. Those seem like the four most obvious priorities.”
At press time, polling organizations confirmed they are preparing a follow-up survey to determine how Americans feel about the war now that they have briefly remembered it exists.
🖊️
SECDEF_Nice served in Army Civil Affairs and specialized in failing to influence populations and occasionally his own chain-of-command. Favorite quote by Plato: “The best satire for the soul is the truth.” Follow him on X at @SECDEF_Nice or at Foxhole Briefs.
HEAVEN — God is unable to keep boots off the ground in Iran because He is currently overwhelmed with prayers to rig March Madness at the faithful’s request, heavenly sources confirmed today.
“The brackets are eating up every bit of bandwidth,” said Saint Joan of Arc (HGS S-3), a longtime Notre Dame fan. “Sure, the Chief hears every plea to stop regional entanglements. But any prayer regarding the Strait of Hormuz is on hold until Father Almighty deals with the thousands of outcries for a buzzer-beating three-pointer.”
According to heavenly officials, NCAA basketball creates a massive surge in prayer volume every spring that drowns out those beseeching peace for all mankind. Such “bracket bottlenecks” curtail divine intervention as the maker of heaven and earth prioritizes point spreads over regional stability in the Middle East.
“HEAVRNET is at 99% capacity,” Saint Gabriel (HGS S-6) said while untangling a mess of fiber-optic incense. “I tried rebooting the Burning Bush, but it can’t compete with all these Syracuse fans bargaining their prayers. And we can’t process Iran peace negotiations while the Big Guy is prioritizing a 12-seed upset.”
Compounding the crisis, a data spike from Chestnut Hill has overwhelmed prayer servers.
“Boston College fans flood the queue every year praying for a wildcard,” Joan groaned while swiping through a backlog of Jesuit-coded emails. “Their womp-womp creates a total deadlock in the S-3 shop. It’s blocking every chaplain’s plea to spare the next school from a strike package.”
“Boston alumni scream like they’re all burning at the stake,” Joan added. “But Gabriel says the Big Guy won’t delete their requests. The Eagles stay in the queue while kids wearing maghnaehs stay in the crosshairs.”
“I just kicked back a bracket petition for missing a HAC-card signature,” Saint Peter (HGS S-1) said while pointing to a mountain of unfiled parchment. “Everybody wants a miracle rebound but nobody wants to use the correct routing header.”
Peter added that “Vir Macho” continues citing Matthew 21:22 to justify honoring nearly every sports-related prayer submitted through official heavenly channels.
“I support the troops,” King David said while heating a Manna-Ready-to-Eat against a sling stone. “But a ground war in Iran looks like a ‘go’ at this point thanks to those NCAA logjams. The Secretary of War should stop praying for an Ivy League miracle and start worrying about the slam-poetry warning order he just wrote.”
“It will maximize my return on investment this quarter,” he said while adjusting a spreadsheet. “If enough misguided faithful cry out for bracket-busters, I’ll easily hit my target ratio of one 12-seed upset for every 12,000 fallen boots.”
🖊️
Robin Berger is a retired Air Force NCO who shops at the commissary every month as required by law.
WASHINGTON — Secretary of War Pete Hegseth appeared visibly confused Tuesday after discovering that the phrase “fuck around and find out,” which he frequently uses on television to describe America's enemies, apparently applies to him as well.
The revelation came during a Pentagon briefing as the conflict with Iran entered what officials described as “its second week of not ending in a week.”
“Look, this will be over in seven days,” Hegseth said at the outset of the conflict, speaking with the confidence of a platoon leader who never developed a campaign plan. “You drop some bombs, hit a few Ayatollahs, and the people will just walk into the street and scream ‘you’ve been cancelled’ at the Iranian regime.”
Two weeks later, Iranian missiles are striking targets across the region, oil markets are in chaos, tankers are exploding in the Strait of Hormuz, and the Pentagon has begun using the phrase “dynamic operational environment,” which officials confirmed loosely translates to “we may have fucked around a bit too much and are now finding out.”
One aide said Hegseth was “particularly surprised” Iran did not immediately surrender after several days of strikes.
“The Secretary believed if we just air-war the shit out of them, they would quickly realize the United States puts the ‘dom’ in air dominance,” said Joe Kasper, a special government employee brought in by Hegseth.
Complicating matters has been Hegseth’s repeated description of the conflict as a “spiritual struggle,” which has created awkward moments among U.S. allies.
“The messaging about a holy war has been… difficult,” said one State Department diplomat. “Especially considering many of our partners are, by sheer coincidence, Muslim.”
The State Department has attempted to walk back the remarks as a translation issue.
“Holy war? No,” one official said. “He meant… war of good versus evil. Totally different.”
Diplomats said several allied governments responded with what one official described as “a long, uncomfortable pause, but in Arabic.”
The meeting reportedly ended with U.S. officials pleading with Gulf partners not to expel American forces.
IRAN — As the War in Iran enters its second month, international markets are already feeling the impact of shipments either delayed or altogether prevented from coming through the Strait of Hormuz. But American defense officials stress that the Strait is currently open and will remain open if you aren’t a bitch.
“Iranian mines and missile attacks are a real threat if you’re a pussy,” said U.S. Ambassador to the Middle East Jake Paul. “However, for those ships who are about that life, the Strait remains navigable.”
The Strait of Hormuz — the only maritime passage from the Persian Gulf to the open ocean — remains one of the world’s most critical chokepoints for global energy supply.
Shortly after the war began, Iran seeded the waterway with mines, effectively halting traffic for what Pentagon officials described as “captains with no fucking balls."
“Let me be clear: we did not underestimate Iran,” said Secretary of Warmaxxing Pete Hegseth. “We underestimated the number of tankers that would get sand in their vaginas over getting blown up and sunk.”
International partners have expressed concern over the Pentagon’s apparent lack of a coherent plan to restore normal shipping operations.
“We asked them what the plan was to deal with the mines,” said French Foreign Minister Pierre LePierre. “They told us to 'stop talking about it and to start being about it' with a meme about how everyone is a gangsta until it's time to do gangsta shit.”
The White House defended the approach, saying it is already producing results with ships beginning to show themselves as real ones by attempting to transit the waterway.
“On Tuesday, multiple oil tankers who have that dog in them crossed the Strait,” said Mike Lindell, recently appointed Chief of American Defense Strategy in Iran. “We expect this will lead to additional craft nutting up to reopen this vital supply line.”
Regional experts say ships that have successfully crossed the Strait typically notify Iran in advance that “today is not the day" and that they are not the one. Meanwhile, they advised any craft attacked while passing through the Strait that they should try being a fucking man for once in their goddamned life.
WASHINGTON — The Department of War is still struggling to explain what is happening with Iran while refusing to use what officials call “the ‘W’ word,” sources confirmed today.
Rumors have circulated for days of a full-blown — ahem — “thing” between the United States and its longtime regional adversary, but department officials declined to characterize the situation any further.
“We’re seeing each other acrimoniously,” said Secretary of War Pete Hegseth. “We don’t want to get ahead of ourselves.”
The department later issued internal guidance directing staff to describe the ongoing operation as a “hostile situationship” or “foreign entanglement we sought to avoid.”
Still, a cadre of increasingly frustrated reporters pressed Hegseth to clarify whether the United States was, in fact, at war.
“It turns out the word ‘war’ comes with a lot of baggage — like congressional oversight,” Hegseth said. “So we knew we had to change the name again, because we are not fighting any wars.”
Officials said several alternatives are under consideration, including “Department of Preemptive Aggression,” “Department of Explosions,” and “Military Department.”
“We briefly liked ‘Department of Aggression’ because it tested poorly with liberals,” one official said. “Then it tested poorly with conservatives too. At that point we realized we may have painted ourselves into a corner renaming it from ‘Department of Defense,’ which, in hindsight, was actually a pretty solid name.”
The compromise option, “Liberty Department,” was reportedly rejected because “no one could say it with a straight face.”
WHY engage a professional when you’ve subliminally picked up everyday skills from seeing them in the opening scenes of filth? You already know how to do this:
Repairing a washing machine
The nightmare of a non-functioning washing machine can leave a young woman without any clothes to briefly wear. Fortunately there’s always a heavily-tattooed tradesman a clumsy cut away. He diagnoses an issue with the overused spin cycle, which if he wasn’t distracted with sudden oral would mean replacing a worn belt. You are less distracted.
Changing a tap
Home plumbing can be daunting, but valuable tips are available from a boiler-suited man who certainly wasn’t hired for his acting skills. The stop tap is located below the sink, as demonstrated by the woman bending over without underwear, and the pipe wrench and adjustable spanner needed can be seen if you freeze the video at 17.43, during anal.
Assembling flatpack furniture
Occasionally a large-breasted woman will need assistance putting a bookshelf together. A gentleman will help ascertain which peg should go in which hole without even consulting the manual. They will have sex instead of finishing the flatpack, as should you because even the most perfunctory f**kbuddy relationship will last longer than a Billy bookcase.
Changing a wheel
Women in porn suffer a disproportionately higher rate of punctured tyres than the general public, even though they never discard their spike heels. A ripped passer-by will help by loosening nuts, jacking the vehicle and then abandoning the job to go down on her. Avoid this last step and instead change the tyre to reach your destination rather than orgasm.
Administering first aid
If a barely-clad woman requires medical attention, go straight in with cupping. If this fails to elicit gasps, clear her airways using a tool you keep on you. This will no doubt bring her back to full, joyful consciousness. At which point a nurse will arrive to join in. If it does not transpire exactly like this in the real world, you will go to prison until 2043.
THE clocks being brought forward by an hour over the weekend has resulted in daylight being ‘f**ked’, scientists have confirmed.
The adjustment to British Summer Time has thrown off your internal body clock and the weather so catastrophically that experts have been left with no other way to describe daylight other than as ‘a total dawn-to-dusk shitshow’.
Meteorologist Martin Bishop said: “It might be a small change we should all be used to by now, but that doesn’t make it any less weird. Shit’s messed up.
“Gentle, reasonably-timed sunrises have been replaced with dazzling glares beaming through curtains at 6am. The days themselves are getting so long they lose all meaning. We had a good thing going during autumn and winter, then we went and ruined it.
“Making the change on a Sunday morning only made it worse. You woke up hungover and wondering what the hell is wrong with the world and now work’s an hour closer? What dickhead made that decision?
“And worst of all it’s completely arbitrary. It’s easy to blame farmers but they’re perfectly happy to spray shit over fields in complete darkness because they’re psychopaths.”
Nikki Hollis of Bude said: “I’ll spend six months living with this deranged lie until it almost makes sense to me before reality cruelly reasserts itself in October. Why? Why?”
THE police have confirmed they do not investigate the vast majority of burglaries because the shops are open and you can get another laptop this afternoon.
While admitting the figure looked bad, police said they are reluctant to fingerprint, check CCTV and interview suspects just to track down and return your personal iPad to you when others are available.
A spokesman said: “They’ve nicked your stuff. Don’t make it our problem.
“If they’d stolen a painting gifted to you by your own dear mother then I’d understand your rage, but they haven’t, have they? They’ve stolen cash, a MacBook and a Bluetooth speaker because they’re as uninterested in sentimental value as we are.
“You bought them online, you’ve got the receipt in your email, you’ve got a crime number. Call your insurance and wait for them to authorise a shopping spree. Don’t pretend that stolen power drill ‘was very important to you.’ This isn’t The Repair Shop.
“We’ve got more to worry about than a few simple burglaries. There’s real crime to deal with. People are tweeting out here.”
Thomas Booker of Wilmslow said: “But my £5,200 Rolex Oyster was stolen. £5,200 in easy cash and I left it sitting on a shelf downstairs. That has to be the police’s fault.”
A BRITISH man has stressed his upcoming trip to Japan is all about experiencing the country and its culture as faithfully as possible, right down to getting laid.
42-year-old Japanophile Julian Cook’s itinerary is carefully planned to experience maximum authenticity, whether sipping beer in Sapporo, visiting temples in Kyoto or the multiple evenings in Tokyo where oddly he has no specific plan.
He said: “I don’t want to be one of those tourists who does no more than scratch the surface. I want to connect with local people and go deep.
“I’ve levelled up to B-1 on Duolingo so I’ll be going off the beaten track, searching our hidden gems and touching parts of the country most gaijin don’t. I’ve been on some fairly specialist forums to prepare myself. I’m excited.
“I really want to interface with the real Japan. Yes, I’ll see the traditional dancing shows, but I want to taste the sushi the locals taste. I’m going to immerse myself and return having had experiences the other members of my anime society may never have.”
He added: “Travel’s all about spontaneity. Sometimes you’ve just got to end up in a neon-lit Harajuku bar with an unnecessarily tight linen shirt and a fistful of cash and see what happens.”
Cook is expected to return home with a suitcase full of explicit manga and a heart full of bitter disappointment.
We try not to write too much about Richard Keys for reasons which will presumably be obvious. But the former Sky Sports man has just given an interview to the Daily Telegraph and there’s so much in it to enjoy that it’s simply no longer possible to resist. Hard to believe we know, but it […]
Humour can be a tricky beast. What’s funny to one person might come across as the height of bad taste to another. It gets even more confusing when the truth is misconstrued as a joke. These crossed wires happen all the time, often with hilarious results. Reddit user _lovelyxx wanted to hear some of the […]
You might already know former Big Brother contestant turned broadcaster and social commentator Narinder Kaur. It’s a peril of frequently appearing across social media, as she does, that she ends up being trolled. Invariably by men, obviously, and it’s always a delight when it blows up in their face, as it surely did here. It […]
If you’ve ever had the misfortune to hear of Andrew Tate (how could you not?), then you’ll be painfully aware that he’s an utter man-child who thinks showing off about treating women badly and owning a lot of expensive, ugly cars is cool, when in fact it’s all very cringe. It’s so pathetic you could […]
We cross now to the US (again, sorry!) where someone has calculated the cost of Trump’s frequent trips to play golf at his own resorts – accompanied by his security detail, who are housed at the country’s expense. Trump’s Second-Term Golf Tab Tops $100 Million for U.S. Taxpayers pic.twitter.com/1IghDnkis3 — NewsWire (@NewsWire_US) March 29, 2026 […]
Creating YouTube content that resonates with Quebec culture can be a rewarding endeavor for content creators looking to reach a unique and vibrant audience. Quebec, with its rich and diverse cultural heritage, offers a plethora of inspiration for creating engaging and authentic content that will resonate with viewers in the region.
Creating YouTube content focused on the culture of Honduras is a great way to showcase the beauty and richness of this Central American country to a global audience. Honduras is known for its diverse cultural heritage, which is a blend of indigenous, European, African, and Caribbean influences. From its colorful traditional dances to its delicious cuisine and vibrant arts and crafts, there is so much to explore and share with the world.
Cancel culture is a prevalent phenomenon in today's digital age, with social media platforms like YouTube becoming a hotbed for controversies surrounding content creation and translation. As content creators navigate the online landscape, they often grapple with the fear of being "canceled" for their actions, words, or past mistakes.
Bolivian culture is rich and diverse, offering a treasure trove of vibrant traditions, colorful folklore, and fascinating history. Many content creators on platforms like YouTube are drawn to exploring and showcasing different aspects of Bolivian culture, from its traditional dances and music to its delicious cuisine and stunning landscapes. However, reaching a wider audience often requires thoughtful translation and subtitling of videos to make them accessible to viewers who may not speak the language.
