The Onion
Slipknot Orders Trump To Stop Using Their Masks During Rallies
DES MOINES, IA—Joining a long line of musicians who have threatened legal action against the commander-in-chief, nu-metal band Slipknot issued a public statement Tuesday demanding President Donald Trump stop using their masks during his rallies. “Donald Trump’s vile, evil agenda is not at all aligned with what our terrifying masks represent,” frontman Corey Taylor wrote on X in response to a video the White House posted of Trump waving to the crowd at a rally as he walked out on stage in an expressionless gray mask covered in oozing wounds, black sutures, and dreadlocks made of rope. “We are sickened to see what is supposed to be a celebration of each band member’s inner demon being used to promote such dark and hateful rhetoric. We’ve already been in contact with our lawyers and will not hesitate to pursue all legal remedies should he use our disfigured clown masks or long-nosed gimp suits to advance his disturbing viewpoints in the future.” Taylor went on to state that the band told former Florida Gov. Jeb Bush the same thing in 2016 when he wanted to use their mutant pig boy persona to announce his presidential campaign.
The Onion.
Phoebe Bridgers Concertgoer Dips Into Bathroom To Snort Line Of Zoloft
The Onion.
Trump Orders Advanced Federal Review Of Frontier AI Models
President Donald Trump signed an executive order for AI companies to provide the federal government early access to their newest models, an effort to weigh national and cybersecurity risks before they reach market. What do you think?
“He should also require Frito-Lay to give him early access to new Doritos flavors.”
Bertha Monk, Avocado Pitter
“There’s no one I’d trust more with something I understand less.”
Rudy Porihis, Canister Filler
“Yeah, I heard he’s got the new Xbox, too.”
Antoine Duffield, Boat Christener
The Onion.
Department Of Labor Cracks Down On People Getting Paid For Work
WASHINGTON—Adopting a tougher stance against the increasingly widespread form of workplace corruption, U.S. Department of Labor officials announced plans Thursday to crack down on people getting paid for their work. “For far too long, the practice of receiving money for services has gone unchecked, and today we’re turning over evidence to the attorney general so that individuals complicit in such activities can be prosecuted,” said acting Labor Secretary Keith Sonderling, noting that Americans found guilty of accepting paychecks, healthcare benefits, retirement fund contributions, or other financial compensation from their employers could face up to 40 years in federal prison. “These are hardened criminals, and we do not treat their malfeasance lightly. Some of those under investigation have been conducting ‘work-for-pay’ schemes for decades. Rest assured, if you have accepted so much as a nickel for a spreadsheet filled or a yard mowed, we will find you, and we will bring you to justice.” At press time, Department of Labor investigators had reportedly uncovered a massive “minimum wage” racket believed to stretch across the entire country.
The Onion.
Trump Diverts All Science Funding Into Locating The Smurfs
WASHINGTON—Instituting a massive overhaul to the federal government’s scientific grant system in order to find the mythical cartoon characters, President Donald Trump announced Thursday that he would be diverting all science funding into locating The Smurfs. “These are very bad tiny blue people, and we gotta kill these Smurfs immediately—I don’t care how many vaccine trials I have to cancel,” said Trump, signaling an end to all ongoing cancer research in order to “harness the magic” that the Smurfs control. “We are working closely with Gargamel, who will be given full access to any weaponry or troops he may need in his quest, and I promise you we won’t need any studies into reversing Alzheimer’s once we have the very beautiful lady Smurf in our grasp, which will be very soon. We have all the reports showing that Brainy Smurf is just weeks away from enriching uranium, and that is a threat to our freedom we simply will not tolerate.” At press time, the president blamed “bad intelligence” after a missile strike targeting Papa Smurf’s mushroom home accidentally destroyed a nearby school full of Borrowers.
The Onion.
Babylon Bee
40-Year Old Man Now Spends Inordinate Amount Of Time Researching Electrolytes
SAN ANTONIO, TX — Sources confirmed that local 40-year-old Marcus Harper officially entered the developmental stage of adulthood characterized by an intense, borderline-religious obsession with researching electrolytes.
John Bolton Pleads Guilty, Sentenced To 5-Year Imprisonment At SeaWorld
SAN DIEGO, CA — According to breaking news reports, John Bolton agreed to plead guilty to one count of illegally retaining classified national security information in exchange for only serving five years confined to a walrus exhibit at Sea World.
10 Irrefutable Proofs Russia Is Better Than The U.S.
Sociological experts and podcasters agree: Living in Russia is far superior to living in the United States. From their pristine subways and plentiful grocery stores to the clearly secure and not-at-all-suspect way they hold elections, Russia is the place to be.
Intensive Bible Study Reveals Elijah And Elisha Are Two Different People
WILBURTON, OK — An intensive Bible study reportedly ended with the dramatic revelation that Elijah and Elisha are two different people.
Man Needing Break From Reality Turns On CNN
FRANKLIN, KY — Following a long day at work in the middle of what had been a stressful week of responsibilities and anxiety, one local man decided to take a much-needed break from reality by turning on CNN.
ClickHole
Healthcare In Decline: A Nurse At This Sperm Clinic Just Handed A Donor A Cup, A Ketchup Packet, And A Low-Res Printout Of Lois Griffin In A Bikini
From long wait times to skyrocketing insurance costs, the healthcare system in the richest country in the world continues to degrade in myriad ways. The latest writing on the wall that our healthcare system is starting to resemble that of a third world country more than that of a prosperous nation? A nurse at this sperm clinic just handed a donor a cup, a ketchup packet, and a low-res printout of Lois Griffin in a bikini.
Let that sink in. A sperm clinic that can offer its patients nothing better to masturbate to than Family Guy’s wife.
While one might expect the sperm clinics in a country responsible for a quarter of the entire world’s economic output despite having less than 5% of its population to have a modern, well-organized library of pornography and a selection of state-of-the-art lubricants for their donors to choose from, Cryogenic Laboratories Inc of Roseville, MN offers nothing of the sort. Based on the experience of 32-year-old caterer Jonah Matterson, who was just handed a red Solo cup, a ketchup packet from Popeye’s, and a low-res printout of Lois Griffin in a bikini made on a black-and-white laser printer, our country is heading downhill fast.
The piss poor masturbatory materials were handed to Mr. Matterson by the nurse (who had a bad cough) without any acknowledgment of their subpar utility, showing just how normalized this level of degradation in our healthcare system has become. While he had no problem filling his Solo cup with sperm to the pixelated image of Lois Griffin while using a single ketchup packet as lube, this experience sounds like something you’d have to endure in the healthcare system of a developing nation, not one with an economy larger than all of Europe’s.
This is not okay. Our citizens deserve better than this.
God’s Favorite: This Man Is A Devout Christian, Muslim, AND Jew
We all like to think that God loves us, but there’s one guy living on Earth right now who is clearly God’s #1 favorite: This man is a devout Christian, Muslim, AND Jew.
Yep, you gotta think Yahweh/The Lord is pretty into this guy.
Abdullah Paul Markowitz of Washington, DC is more devoted to our Creator than pretty much anybody, given that he shows his worship through God’s three favorite faiths at the same time. Abdullah keeps all of God’s commandments, whether they come from the Bible, the Torah, or the Koran—he observes the Sabbath on Saturday and Sunday, belongs to a shul, a mosque, and a church, refrains from eating pork and shellfish, and remains alcohol-free by using grape juice when he takes the Eucharist or sips from the Kiddush cup. Between Ramadan, Yom Kippur, and Lent, he’s fasting pretty much all the time, and he considers Jesus Christ both the Messiah and not the Messiah simultaneously using a principle similar to quantum mechanics.
We’ve got to say that if we were God, we would be pretty damn obsessed with Abdullah!
Abdullah has had a busy life getting confirmed and bar-mitzvahed and publicly declaring his faith in the Five Pillars of Islam, not to mention the hours he spends daily reciting prayers in Hebrew, Arabic, Latin, and English. But it’s all worth it—he is always happy, he has the biomarkers of a much younger man, and he makes $250k a year at his relatively easy marketing job, all because God would never let anything happen to his #1 most cherished human being. And as long as he maintains his devotion, we assume he’s gonna keep the lion’s share of God’s love.
Pretty cool. Abdullah Paul Markowitz may be a bit of a teacher’s pet for God, but we’ve gotta admit he’s earned it. Religion rocks!
Fuck This: Your Acquaintance’s Instagrams About Her New Baby Aren’t Nearly As Good As What She Posted When Single And Manic
There comes a time when everyone grows up, but tragically, that growth often comes at the expense of a comically immature social media presence. Case in point: Your acquaintance’s Instagram posts about her new baby aren’t nearly as good as what she posted when she was single and manic.
Well fuck this.
Sure, it’s nice that at age 38 this girl seems to love her baby and the super normal-looking guy she had the baby with, but boy oh boy are lighthearted trips to the zoo NOT what you follow this girl for. Previously, clicking on her story could have brought you myriad gifts: a drunken thirst trap, a screengrab of a customer service live chat interaction in which she was clearly in the wrong, or a new installment in the whole years-long saga where some magician she was dating cheated on her. But gone are the days of her Instagram lives where she’d show up at the magician’s house univited and call him a cocksucker. Now, it’s just videos of a moderately cute kid learning to eat grapes.
Oh, where have the good times gone?
Foolishly, you thought those hospital gown selfies she was taking last year were from an abortion, time in the psych ward, or, based on her enigmatic caption that read “No one ever gets close enough to know the real me,” somehow both. Sadly, it now seems she was there for a pregnancy-related visit, thereby cementing the end of her time as a worthwhile follow.
Seriously, if it’s just gonna be videos of this kid saying “moo moo” when she means milk, we’re out. This is precisely the type of thing that this woman would’ve captioned “stupid bitch can’t even say milk” during her single days, which would’ve at least given us something.
But this? This is nothing. Unfollowing now.
And whenever she inevitably goes off whatever mood stabilizers are to thank for her new personality, we’ll consider re-following, but for now, this is the end of the road. Like she told the magician over her final IG live, “Bye bye, cocksucker. I’m done with your games.”
Master Negotiator: President Trump Has Signed A Deal To Dissolve The US Military In Exchange For Iran Writing A 5-Star Review Of The White House On Google Maps
Love him or hate him, Donald Trump’s negotiating skills may be bringing an end to America’s war with Iran at long last: President Trump has signed a deal to dissolve the U.S. military in exchange for Iran writing a five-star review of The White House on Google Maps.
What a massive win-win for the United States and Iran alike. Here’s to peacetime!
In a press conference this morning, President Trump announced that he’d reached an agreement to disband every branch of the United States Armed Forces after Iranian supreme leader Mojtaba Khamenei conceded to post a glowing, five-star review of the White House on Google Maps. Proudly unveiling the deal beside an enlarged printout of Iran’s five-star review of 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, President Trump explained that all US servicemen have been directed to turn in their uniforms, equipment, and medals, and make preparations to vacate their assigned posts within the next week, as all American military forts and bases around the world are set to be renovated into government-owned Airbnbs.
“Everyone got what they wanted, everyone’s happy, and now, America’s former troops have so much free time to visit our country’s Iran-acclaimed White House,” stated President Trump, declaring that the Department of Defense’s shuttering is a perfect tradeoff for having a foreign adversary to publicly praise The White House’s clean bathrooms and helpful staff on Google Reviews for the entire world to see.
“I commend Supreme Leader Khamenei for accepting this unbelievably fair deal, which Joe Biden never could have delivered. Under a Democrat, Iran would’ve rated the Executive Office three stars on Google at best. Under Trump? Forever wars have become forever peace, because our military is forever gone. I’d like to thank our troops for their sacrifice, and wish them the best of luck in whatever’s next for them.”
Wow. Somehow, some way, Trump has done the impossible!
We didn’t have ‘America demilitarizing’ on our ‘outcome of the War with Iran’ bingo card, but we certainly aren’t complaining about the end of a costly, unnecessary war! If this tradeoff saves lives, then it’s a deal Americans on both sides of the aisle can celebrate. What do you think of Trump’s deal to end the US military for Iran’s perfect review of the White House? Let us know in the comments!
Group Bonding FTW: Every Person On This Bachelorette Trip Doesn’t Want To Be There
Finding common ground can be harder than you think when mixing friend groups, but here’s a story about one bachelorette party that quickly discovered their similarities: Every person on this bachelorette trip doesn’t want to be there.
Now that’s how you bond!!
Despite the fact that the guests rationalized the $700 weekend spend as being “for Becca!”, now that the weekend’s here, each and every woman, including Becca the bride, is longing to be anywhere else. And although no one’s acknowledged it, the tacit understanding that everyone in this Nashville Airbnb shares this desire has brought the group closer than the underwear guessing game that the maid of honor reluctantly organized ever could.
Or course, the bride is doing her best to pretend she’s enjoying her bachelorette trip. While she acted playfully surprised when her friends presented her with a crown made of cartoon penises and a bottle of Captain Morgan with her fiancee’s face taped on it, her yawns that began at 8:45 p.m. were an obvious tell that she regretted not only planning a full Thursday to Sunday trip, but planning a trip at all.
However, it was Becca’s disinterest and her decision to go to bed at 9:30 each night—and the obvious, unspoken joy this inspired in all of the other tripgoers—that became the uniting thread of the weekend. Though no one will be able to say it aloud, the best moment of the trip was not the “Disco Cowgirl” night, but the palpable relief that coursed through them all when Becca decided they should skip drag brunch and instead watch Clueless in the Airbnb’s weird basement with a pool table.
Wow. What a beautiful moment that must’ve been.
Whether you identify with the girl who spent half the time FaceTiming her kids, the girl who spent half the time in work Zooms on her laptop, the girl who’s perpetually single and pissed her friend would have the audacity to get married in front of her, the girl who used to be really fun but got boring the second she got married, the girl who’s obviously pregnant but pretending she’s not drinking for some other reason, the bride’s fiancee’s brother’s wife, or the bride’s random childhood friend who has literally always had a bad attitude, we can all agree it’s better to be at home than on a bachelorette trip. Fingers crossed Becca cancels their karaoke plans for tonight, too.
Duffel Blog
Seven Marines dead after eating nicotine-infused crayons
JACKSONVILLE, N.C. — The Marine Corps Exchange has pulled its exclusive line of nicotine-infused “Crayola Xtreme!” crayons following a wave of injuries and deaths at Camp Lejeune, officials confirmed this week.“One of the lieutenants thought it’d be funny to start a rumor about a surprise inspection for stolen art supplies,” said Col. Jack Korzen, while standing in the burned-out remains of a junior enlisted barracks holding what appeared to be part of a melted crayon box. “One of the boots panicked, ate his entire supply, then sprinted from barracks to barracks like a nicotine-fueled Paul Revere.”What followed, officials said, was “roughly six uninterrupted hours of catastrophic decision-making” that left seven Marines dead and more than 130 hospitalized.“That’s too much energy for any one Marine,” Korzen said. “How do you tell a mother her son died violating a TCCC mannequin? The kid literally humped himself to death.”Korzen paused briefly.“There was moulage everywhere.”After Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth reportedly dismissed calls for a ban as “gay,” Marine leadership instead launched a safety initiative titled “Eating Is for Food.”The campaign appears to have had limited success.Near a dining facility where two dozen Marines were injured attempting to parkour across a static-display MV-22 Osprey, Lance Cpl. Sam Arp held up a half-chewed green crayon and defended the product line.“The grape tastes like purple,” Arp said before unsuccessfully attempting to use the crayon as a straw for applesauce.Consumer advocates questioned whether manufacturer safety standards were adequate.“Look at this packaging,” said Diana Fritz of Consumer Reports while displaying a box of “Chunky Xtreme!” oversized crayons featuring a cartoon honey badger named Jitters. “It says, ‘Help Jitters find his lost M4 before formation.’ Jesus Christ.”Crayola denied allegations the products were marketed toward junior enlisted personnel.“The Chunky line simply tested extremely well with our E-3 focus groups,” the company said in a statement, adding it remained compliant with “all Humane Society protocols regarding experimentation on junior Marines.”The product line was developed through a partnership between Crayola and the Marines Human Performance Branch, whose Program Manager for Ingestible Inorganics, Maj. Geoffrey Puntel, defended the initiative.“They’re going to eat crayons anyway,” Puntel said. “The goal is to ensure as much of the Marine’s ecosystem as possible contains essential nutrients and stimulants.”Puntel added that similar logic inspired the recent addition of aloe vera and doxycycline to CLP weapons lubricant.Officials acknowledged the project has faced setbacks before. A previous product, Elmer’s Go-Glue, was discontinued after overdoses among Marines during testing phases.Still, Puntel said the Corps plans to relaunch Crayola Xtreme! with additional safety features.“Marines tend to avoid the black crayon because they think it’s licorice,” he said. “So now the black one is made entirely of activated charcoal.”“It’s basically Narcan," he added.At press time, taps played at another funeral at Camp Lejeune as investigators worked to determine how a Marine had managed to fit an entire 64-count box into a CamelBak.🖊️Bernard Buttersquash will play the Kennedy Center, if invited.
GOP to require all legislators be Navy SEALs
CAPITOL HILL — Republican officials announced a new initiative this week requiring all future GOP congressional candidates to be Navy SEALs, arguing voters have become increasingly unwilling to elect anyone who has not personally participated in at least one nighttime raid.The initiative, dubbed “Every Legislator a Frogman, Every Frogman a Legislator,” follows what party leaders describe as a growing body of evidence that Navy SEALs are among the few Americans still trusted by voters more than podcast hosts.“With a party leader fondly reminiscing about Arnold Palmer’s anatomy, we're focused on finding real men to run for Congress,” said Republican National Committee Chairman Joe Gruters. “We've discovered that ‘real man’ basically means ‘Navy SEAL’ to suburban dads and open-carry enthusiasts. Those people vote, so from now on all Republican legislators must be Navy SEALs.”Party officials pointed to a growing roster of former SEALs who have successfully entered politics as evidence the model works. Former SEAL Bob Kerrey received the Medal of Honor before serving in the Senate and seeking the presidency. Eric Greitens, a Democrat until he stopped hating America, went on to become Missouri’s Republican governor before becoming involved in what party officials described as “a distinctly non-SEAL scandal.” Former SEAL Scott Taylor served in Congress before losing reelection to what one Republican strategist dismissed as “some surface warfare dork.” With five former SEALs currently serving as Republican members of Congress and another seeking a Senate seat in Kentucky, GOP leaders believe they have identified a repeatable formula for electoral success.Not everyone agrees.Texas Rep. Dan Crenshaw, a former SEAL, cautioned against limiting the party exclusively to commandos.“The left and right approach governance differently,” Crenshaw said. “But many of the goals are ultimately the same: economic prosperity, better health care, better education—”
Opinion: I am not the worst secretary of defense ever
The following is an opinion piece by Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth.Everywhere I go, people keep calling me the worst Secretary of Defense in American history.The worst.Really? Do you think Donald Rumsfeld could deadlift 300 pounds? Could Robert McNamara do PT with Tier 1 operators? I don’t think so. Rumsfeld gave us “unknown unknowns.” I prefer a simpler doctrine: FAFO backed by overwhelming known violence.McNamara might have been CEO of Ford but I'm the one who was built Ford tough.Just look at his record in Vietnam: beaten by the Vietcong, which were nothing but weak communist farmers. McNamara spent seven years trying to win in Vietnam and still lost. In the past couple months I’ve already overseen two regime changes and I’m currently workshopping a third. I didn’t even need congressional authorization. I just did it.That’s sigma male leadership.Watch out, Cuba.Booyah!Can you imagine Don Rumsfeld lifting weights like Hegseth? I don't think so.All I ever wanted was to transform this weak, DEI-obsessed department into the elite killing machine I know it was meant to be. You see, the military wants — no — it needs to kill. But the liberal left bleeding hearts of Democrat politicians keep tying our hands with so-called rules of engagement and "international law," whatever that means.I'm letting the troops do their job. That means no quarter and no mercy on all military-aged males from 11 to 65 years old.Military-aged male driving a truck within 400 feet of U.S. forces? Green lit. Gone.Seventeen-year-old making a peanut butter sandwich while looking at a patrol the wrong way? Green lit. Gone.Host-nation police officer forgets the greeting of the day? Green lit. Gone.My troops know an insider threat when they see one.And do we even need to talk about Lloyd Austin? First of all, how do you trust a Secretary of Defense with two first names? If he weren’t black, I’d assume he was from Alabama and married to his sister.Lloyd Austin’s greatest military achievement was apparently hosting pride parades on aircraft carriers.
Army criticized over Memorial Day recruiting specials
ARLINGTON, Va. — Army recruiting officials are facing criticism after launching a series of Memorial Day enlistment promotions, including cash bonuses, upgraded funeral packages, and limited-time incentives for recruits willing to sign contracts before the holiday weekend ended.Under the promotion, new recruits who signed a six-year contract before Memorial Day received a $2,500 bonus. Soldiers willing to extend to eight years will also qualify for what the Army describes as a “premium bereavement experience package,” including a sandalwood coffin with velvet interior.“We know Memorial Day is traditionally about reflection, sacrifice, and remembering the fallen,” said Lt. Gen. Johnny Davis of Army Recruiting Command. “But it’s also one of the biggest sales weekends of the year, and we’d be foolish not to compete."Army officials said the promotion is part of a broader effort to address recruiting shortfalls while modernizing outreach efforts to younger Americans.“We’re trying to meet Gen Z where they are,” one recruiting official said. “They grew up with promo codes, influencer sponsorships, and limited-time offers. Frankly, patriotism alone just isn’t converting anymore.”The Army missed its recruiting goal by roughly 15,000 soldiers in 2022 and has continued struggling to reverse the trend despite expanded bonuses and relaxed enlistment standards.Nick Baker, a recruit who seized the opportunity to claim the $2,500 bonus, shared his thoughts mere hours after finalizing a contract that will dispatch him to Fort Huachuca for military intelligence training. "I'm not a bookworm, and honestly I can't read, so I don't know the details, but I am happy to support our local animal shelter," Baker said.Critics said the Memorial Day campaign demonstrates a growing disconnect between military leadership and the public.“The Department of Defense thinks every problem can be solved with incentives,” said one Pentagon official speaking anonymously. “We used to have vision. McNamara had Project 100,000. Today everyone suddenly cares about ‘ethics’ and ‘human dignity.’”Army leaders rejected accusations the campaign undermined the significance of Memorial Day.“Absolutely not,” Vereen said. “Anyone who signed this weekend will also receive a commemorative camouflage tote bag and a voucher for ten free boneless wings at participating Applebee’s locations.”At press time, recruiters confirmed they were considering a new Fourth of July promotion offering free AirPods to anyone willing to waive “minor” traumatic brain injuries during MEPS screening.🖊️The Ghost of Jimmy Carter was born in the light of a dying star, disappointment emerged.
Hegseth orders new loyalty oath for Catholic troops
THE PENTAGON — Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth announced a new loyalty oath for Catholic service members this week, citing what he described as a growing threat to military cohesion posed by “America’s first pope.”The policy announcement came at the end of a Pentagon press conference during which Hegseth reportedly lost “another prolonged eye-contact battle” with Chairman of the Joint Chiefs Gen. Dan Caine.“As Vice President and Doctor of the Church JD Vance recently noted, Pope Leo XIV has undermined the lethality of our warriors by questioning the righteousness of our campaign to liberate Iranian schoolgirls from the tyranny of breathing,” Hegseth said.“One of my favorite philosophers once said, ‘Rome shall not rule,’” he continued. “And that’s especially true when our forces are in harm’s way. I just want Catholic troops to fully understand the chain of command between God and the federal government.”Hegseth said the additional oath should not concern troops already accustomed to military bureaucracy.“Look, you’re already taking oaths all the time,” he said. “Oath of enlistment, oath of office, security clearance paperwork. Even I had to swear I’d mostly stop drinking so Congress would confirm me.”The oath reads:“I swear by God this holy oath, that I will render to Donald Trump, leader of the American Realm and People, Supreme Commander of the Armed Forces, unconditional obedience, and that I am ready, as a brave soldier, sailor, Marine, airman, or guardian, to risk my life at any time for this oath.”“See? Short, simple, and to the point,” Hegseth said. “Now we can get back to blockading the blockade to reopen the place that was already open before we blockaded it.”The policy marks the latest escalation in deteriorating relations between the Vatican and the Trump administration. Analysts remain divided on the cause of the dispute. Some believe tensions began after the late Pope Francis allegedly decided eternal judgment was preferable to attending meetings with J.D. Vance, while others point to White House attempts to influence the papal election.White House pontifical candidate Adipatus Peniculus the FirstOne Pentagon source said matters worsened following a private meeting between the Vatican ambassador and Under Secretary of Defense for Policy Elbridge Colby.
Daily Mash
Who twatted Andrew? A Daily Mash investigation
ANDREW Mountbatten-Windsor, who remains beloved by his public, has somehow been on the wrong end of a right twatting. But who could have done it? We investigate.
Motivation
A real puzzle. Andrew has never done anything anyone could find objectionable, whether in his public role or personally. His time as trade envoy was an unalloyed success with more than 17,000 rounds of golf played, and anyone who had met him speaks only of how gracious, kind and polite he is. There are no clues here.
Means
Another stumper. Andrew, weary of adulation, has chosen to confine himself to a remote estate in Norfolk far away from prying eyes and closely policed. He is also a war veteran, the hero of the Falklands who captured Port Stanley single-handed and sweat-free, not some pampered pansy pathetically unable to stand up for himself. The mystery deepens.
Enemies
None. Who could hold a grudge against this twinkle-eyed pensioner? From kindly renting cottages to the needy to putting his avuncular arm around young American runaways to giving the career of Emily Maitlis a much-needed boost, Andrew has left only goodwill behind him as he moved through the world. Who would ever lamp such a wanker?
Opportunity
Few visit Andrew, by his own choice. Even his ex-wife stays away for fear of sparking a national wave of public adoration that would put Beckhamania to shame. The only people who have access to the former prince are his staff and his family – the last people who would ever catch him with a proper backhander across his arsehole face.
Desire to see him suffer
It is unthinkable that anyone in Britain – or the foreign powers he blessed with his presence – could want to deliver a punch, or even a powerful kick while he lay grovelling on the ground, to Andrew’s bloated, overprivileged face. We are after all his subjects, which he would remind us of if we were not suitably deferential. Why would we?
Conclusion
Either every man, women and child in Britain is a suspect in this crime or nobody is. And since it is impossible a servant or his nephew William could have snapped and popped Andrew one right in the f**king kisser, logic tells us it must be the latter. Nobody did this. He must have fallen or something. And that will also be the case when it happens again.
Star Wars, and other franchises it’s hard to believe you ever loved
CERTAIN fictional universes have been so polluted with mediocre new content you’re wondering what you ever saw in them. Such as these:
Star Wars
A long time ago, Star Wars was the gold standard of pop culture perfection. Even the Ewoks and the holiday special couldn’t dent your love for it. The prequels were dogshit, but that’s still a 50 per cent hit rate. Now, after years of terrible sequels, a cash-grab theme park, The Book of Boba Fett and worse, you’re left wondering if the original trilogy was actually any good or you were just seven when you watched it.
Doctor Who
Doctor Who has always been wildly inconsistent, but you were willing to sit through The Twin Dilemma because the next Genesis of the Daleks could be on next week. But after the Chibnall era and the botched Disney partnership, you’re starting to doubt whether it’ll ever hit the heights of Blink again. You can believe that Lux was on a par if you like, but you’d just be lying to yourself. Your extremely nerdy self.
Harry Potter
The sight of grown adults still proclaiming to be Hufflepuffs or posing with the trolley at King’s Cross station makes you wince now, but that was you not so long ago. What changed? Were you put off by Rowling’s transphobic beliefs, or did you realise that the books were needlessly bloated runarounds with poor worldbuilding? Either way, you still need to get your Deathly Hallows tattoo removed.
The Simpsons
Sitting through a new episode will make you wonder how The Simpsons is still being churned out. Then you remember that in its prime it was the funniest thing you’d ever seen and was a formative part of your personality. That high standard of writing is long gone, but due to its still profitable heyday it’ll be forced to limp on forever. A grim lesson to us all to never peak early.
The Lord of the Rings
You still adore the films, and you’d rewatch them if you ever somehow have 15 hours to kill. The new Amazon spin-off and the upcoming Gollum movie make you feel nothing though. Which is peculiar, shouldn’t you be excited to see them? Then you remember that The Hobbit films killed your enthusiasm for Middle Earth and even dinged your excitement for life itself. Seeing another Tolkien adaptation might push you over the edge.
15 idiotic things I believe about Britain from going on the internet. By Elon Musk
YES, I’ve been sticking my oar in again, but that’s fine because I’m an expert on Britain from surfing the internet while high. Here’s what I’ve learned.
You love Keir Starmer
I don’t get why you all love Starmer, who wants to replace you with Muslims. But the British public think he’s totally excellent and keep voting for him? Unbelievable.
Your army still uses horses
I keep seeing pictures of your army guys on f**king horses! Buy some goddam Humvees! Or better still, Cybertrucks. Soldiers in military vehicles are always burning to death anyway.
Rupert Lowe is a hero
I fell out with Farage so I now believe Restore’s Rupert Lowe is the true British patriot you need. I could actually do some research and discover he’s an irrelevant old Tory asshole obsessed with race, but my ketamine-addled brain wants to wank over AI girlfriends now.
‘Pants’ means something different to you
In America ‘pants’ means trousers, but in Britain it means a type of tropical beetle. Thanks, Grok.
Your favourite food is fish and shits
Weird, and kind of disgusting. Did I fact-check this? No, I was dual-screening while pretending to be the world’s top Fortnite player like the tragically sad bastard I am.
All your cities are under Sharia law
London, Reading, Exeter – I’m on Google Maps now – Southampton, Eastbourne… all your major cities now have Sharia law. Why don’t you take back control? Apart from anything else, don’t you miss eating pork?
Britain invented the Swiss Army Knife
Gotta hand it to you, these are great little tools. Do I ever stop to wonder if some of the stuff I’m saying sounds like it might not be true? No. Why start now?
You are facing a civil war
Which will be wokeists and Muslims on one side, and indigenous white Brexiters on the other. You’ve all undoubtedly pledged loyalty to one side or the other and have stockpiled weapons ready to kill your friends and neighbours.
You are ridiculously polite
It’s everywhere on the internet that the British are way too polite. If someone treads on your foot, you apologise to THEM! I’m sure that wasn’t just a joke, and you probably do the same if someone stabs you, which happens all the time in Britain.
Britain disappears under the sea every 100 years
Actually I might have hallucinated this during a heavy microdosing session. Which would also explain all the jars of spunk labelled ‘Taylor’.
JK Rowling is being kept prisoner in a castle
I’m furious that you’re keeping Joanna locked up in one of your castles for her views on transgender. Set her free! It’s not right that she’s totally unable to share her opinions with the world!
You are obsessed with tea
Everything stops for tea in Britain, but I don’t agree with it. If you’re a policeman chasing a thief or a surgeon in the middle of an operation, stopping for a tea break just sounds retarded to me.
You welcome my interventions
Because non-woke speech is illegal in Britain, you like it when I speak truth to your leaders. You definitely don’t think I’m a f**king annoying dweeb who got lucky with one software idea then became a massive wanker you wish would just f**k off.
You drink warm beer
I was sceptical about this, because it’s obvious beer tastes better cool. But if Asterix in Britain isn’t a reliable source, I don’t know what is.
Paddington is gay
Yeah. Paddington is gay! No, I’m just f**king with you. Psych! It’s another of my hilarious jokes. Paddington’s gay! Is there anything funnier than that? Hahahahahaha. Shit, I think my brains are coming out of my nose.
Toddler allowed screen time if it’s prestige dramas
A SMALL child is allowed as much TV and tablet time as they like if they are watching an iconic BAFTA or Emmy-winning drama.
Oliver O’Connor’s middle-class parents introduced the rule after noticing that content made for children lacked the challenging themes and overarching storylines that would set their child apart from the herd.
Mum Eleanor said: “The advice is to limit how many cartoons children watch in a day, but they didn’t say anything about acclaimed live-action series such as Succession.
“Shows like Bluey and Paw Patrol are just empty calories. To truly appreciate television as an art form he needs to see the greatest series of the last 20 years – The Wire, The West Wing, Mad Men. Don’t worry, we’ll circle back to Edge of Darkness and The Singing Detective.
“It’s slow-going, as he often doesn’t have the attention span to sit through the hour-long episodes, but so far he’s watched all of Breaking Bad and The Sopranos. I’ve promised him that if he’s good he can watch 3 Body Problem next.”
Oliver, three, is now becoming an expert on key dramatic principles such as foreshadowing and making characters morally ambiguous rather than two-dimensional.
He said: “Tony Soprano is a bad man but he likes ducks. That means me hitting my sister is fine because I like our neighbour’s dog.”
How to share someone else’s bad news without looking too excited about it
WHEN events such as divorce, redundancy and disastrous tweakments befall other people it’s natural to be excited. Here’s how to yap about it without sounding too pleased.
Choose your audience
Personal problems should be handled with sensitivity, so make sure you only tell people who are as desperate as you for all the gory details and therefore won’t notice your glee as much. It could be a mutual friend, family member, or, with the juiciest bad news, the whole of a train carriage while you’re telling your partner over the phone.
Talk about something else first
Barrelling in with news of misfortune is tempting, but could make you look too enthusiastic, bordering on callous. Ideally, open a conversation with harmless chat about something unrelated like holiday plans or the big woodlouse you spotted in your bathroom this morning. Then you can launch into The Big News without looking like a bastard.
Give the impression this is hard to say
You can also faff around a bit before you deliver the news to build anticipation. Say things like ‘I don’t know how to say this…’ or ‘I’m not sure I should be telling you this…’. Your gossip-based edging will have the audience desperate for joyful relief.
Express your own deep shock
While discussing the delicious trauma of someone else, establish that you were knocked sideways by the news. Emphasise how shocked/appalled/saddened (delete as inapplicable) you were to hear about this absolute banger of a bombshell involving an affair or holiday disaster. This will make you seem like a decent human being capable of empathy. Which of course you are; empathy makes the whole tale of woe more gripping.
Check that people want to hear the details
Of course they want to know every grimy, tragic detail of the gossip, but if you ask people if they ‘really want to hear this’ that makes them the sick one for ghoulishly wanting to know.
Stop to breathe between sentences
If the news is as thrilling as a perfect couple splitting up or a friend’s teen being arrested for arson, it can be hard to take a breath. Try not to garble your words, shriek with excitement, or talk so fast your body enters a state of anaerobic respiration. Calmness will convey that you are merely a reluctant vessel for this news, rather than its greatest cheerleader.
Ask people to keep it quiet
Discretion is expected in sensitive matters like these. When asking people not to spread the news further, try channeling the air of a diplomat handling a delicate political issue, or simply imagine you aren’t a horrible gossip. In truth it doesn’t matter, because you both know the listener will soon be revelling in someone’s husband turning out to be a regular at gay clubs in exactly the same way you are.
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Reform UK’s wannabe MP being shamed with his own outrageously sexist words on Question Time was a magnificently entertaining match
If Reform UK’s wannabe MP Robert Kenyon didn’t already know what he’d got himself in for, he certainly found out in the studios of BBC1’s Question Time on Thursday night. Kenyon is standing against Andy Burnham in the up-coming Makerfield by-election and it’s fair to say he didn’t exactly cover himself in glory. In fact, […]
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This clip of Robert Kenyon on Question Time is the very essence of Nigel Farage’s Reform UK boiled down into 77 seconds flat
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