ClickHole
Stepping Up Security: CVS Has Announced They’re Going To Open Fire On Anyone Who Tries To Come Into CVS
One of America’s largest retail corporations just made a huge policy change that reveals the sad state of our society: CVS has announced that they’re going to open fire on anyone who tries to come into CVS.
Dang. CVS is really not messing around.
Speaking from inside an armored bunker deep underground in an undisclosed region of the Mojave Desert, CVS CEO David Jovner posted a video to the company’s official Instagram account announcing that all CVS employees will now be armed with a full arsenal of firearms and explosives, and that they have been instructed to use them on anyone who attempts to walk through the doors of any one of their locations.
“We tried hiring more security guards, we tried putting our products behind locked glass doors, we tried hiding all our items so that nobody could find them, and people still kept stealing from us,” Jovner says in the video while two masked men in CVS store uniforms stand behind him holding AR-15s. “From now on, if you try to come into CVS, you will be neutralized.”
Wow. You might not agree with this decision, but you’ve got to admit it could make it harder to shoplift from CVS!
In a series of follow-up posts to the CVS Instagram account, company officials outlined how they would be implementing these new security policies, including training all new employees to fire on anyone who comes within 500 feet of any CVS location, as well as preemptively placing barbed wire around all physical stores and seeding every CVS parking lot with landmines. The company said that they are hopeful that this will decrease theft by about 13% over the next 10 years.
In the hours since the original announcement, the only other post from the CVS account has been a video of a 22-year-old cashier standing on the roof of a CVS in Lincoln, Nebraska firing a machine gun into the air with the caption, “ExtraCare cards will not save you. Do not come near us.”
Well, it’s official: If you don’t agree that this is going to change the way people shop at CVS, you are not a good person. Here’s hoping this new policy of shooting potential customers on sight will help CVS cut down on theft so they can keep they prices low. If you think this is good, or bad, or you don’t care about it, be sure to comment on this article or some article!
Finally! Scientists Have Developed A Viagra Engineered To Be Used While Operating Heavy Machinery
One of the most long-awaited medical developments in recent history has finally come to pass, and it’s causing people all over the world to realize that life is finally perfect: Scientists have developed a Viagra engineered to be used while operating heavy machinery!
Finally! After decades of desperately waiting, it’s finally happened!
The stunning breakthrough was announced just a few short hours ago by representatives of Pfizer, who proudly revealed that a massive team of researchers, chemists, and physicians had developed a formula for their bestselling erectile dysfunction medication that allows people to safely use heavy machinery while taking the drug.
If you hear someone nearby cheering and screaming with joy, it’s probably us, or one of the millions of Viagra users who will finally get to sport massive erections at their construction sites or on their factory floors.
Ever since Viagra first hit the market in 1998, people’s primary complaint about the otherwise perfect drug was that they couldn’t drive a forklift or orchestrate a controlled dynamite explosion while using it, since the side effects made it hazardous. The common phrase, “Working safe and soft,” meaning completing a job with heavy machinery while completely flaccid due to the danger of using Viagra in industrial environments, became one of the most memorable sayings of the early 2000s, and the absolute misery of going through a day of manual labor without a big, stiff penis became commonplace.
Fortunately, that’s now a thing of the past, because Pfizer actually listened to their customers and made some much-needed changes to Viagra’s basic formula!
“At long last, Viagra users will be able to operate heavy machinery like excavators, cranes, and jackhammers while proudly sporting the full, robust erection they deserve,” Pfizer officials told reporters, many of whom were themselves fully erect thanks to a dose of Viagra. “The dizziness and drowsiness that comes with a normal dose of Viagra is still there, but it’s safe now, and you can be hard as a rock while drilling through sheetrock and feeling dizzy, and that’s what makes life worth living.”
Hell yes! It looks like this is going to change so many people’s lives for the better. The world is about to be filled with happy people pitching tents in their work jeans as they dig, blast, and drill their way through the essential industrial jobs that keep our country strong and thriving. They’ll still be dizzy, but now they will be fully erect and almost completely safe. Kudos to Pfizer for responding to this essential need and making the necessary changes to improve an already amazing pharmaceutical product. If this isn’t one of the best days of your life, you’re officially not a good person!
Marketing Fail: Taco Bell Has Released A Tostada Only Women Can Taste, Only Dogs Can See, Only Kids Can Smell, And Only Men Can Buy
Fans of Taco Bell, don’t get your hopes up, because their new menu item seems like a failure right out the gate: Taco Bell has released a tostada only women can taste, only dogs can see, only kids can smell, and only men can buy.
Well, that sounds rather limiting.
Taco Bell’s new “Avocado Tostada” may seem like a standard item anyone can buy, smell, see, and taste, but sadly, this couldn’t be further from the truth. By limiting the product so that only men can buy it, only kids can smell it, only dogs can see it, and only women can taste it, this tostada seems designed for heterosexual couples with one kid and a dog, and pretty much no one else.
Seems pretty confusing, right?
Taco Bell’s commercial promoting the product doesn’t really help the situation either. In it, a man orders the tostada. His dog starts barking, alerting him and his son to the tostada’s location on the counter. His son sniffs around, and with the dog’s helpful barks, he picks it up and carries it to his mom. With a little more help from the dog, the woman proceeds to eat the tostada. The son then remarks that he wishes he could taste it, the man remarks he wishes he could smell it, and the woman remarks that she wishes she could buy it.
Yikes. It’s not every day you see a company biff a new campaign this hard, especially considering that women who’ve eaten the tostada report that its bland flavor does not justify the effort required to order it.
Damn. It’s definitely pretty bizarre that Taco Bell signed off on this, but if you’re a guy who knows a dog, child, and woman who can work together to eat it, it looks like you’ve still got time to check it out.
A Rumor That He Fucked The Globe In His Homeroom Has Haunted Him Since High School. Now, He’s Admitting That He Did Actually Fuck It And He Has No Regrets.
Every story that’s ever been told is inspiring, but some stories are so inspiring that you’re a bad person if you don’t stand up and cheer as soon as you hear them. This is one of those stories: This man has been haunted since high school by a rumor that he fucked the globe in his homeroom. Now, he’s admitting that he did actually fuck it and he has no regrets.
Hell yes. This is what true self-empowerment looks like.
For 39-year-old Lester Kovaks, life has been a living hell ever since his sophomore year of high school, when people started saying that he drilled a hole into the globe in his homeroom classroom and then had sex with the globe. “People called me names like ‘Globe Fucker’ and ‘The Geography Pervert’ and it made every moment of my life absolute agony,” says Kovaks, who was forced to relocate to a different state with his family just to avoid the constant harassment from the people in town who kept accusing him of fucking the globe. “But you know something? I did fuck the globe. It was the right thing to do, and I liked doing it, and I’m proud that I fucked the globe.”
Absolutely incredible. It’s always heartwarming when someone owns who they are and feels comfortable in their own skin!
These days, Lester still encounters people who accuse him of fucking the globe and give him a hard time about it, but his outlook on the situation has completely changed.
“I used to say, ‘Oh, you think I fucked the globe just because everyone in homeroom saw me do it and people took pictures of me doing it? Well, that just proves how ignorant you are,’” says Kovaks, who recently submitted an application to change his legal name to Globefucker Supreme: The Criminal Who Fucks Globes. “Now I just say, ‘Yep, I fucked the globe and it was good and important and brave, and I’ll never stop telling people about how I did it and liked it.”
Uh, we’re not crying, you’re crying.
Ever since he learned to embrace his past as a kid who drilled a hole in a globe and had sex with it while his homeroom teacher begged him to stop, Lester’s life has completely turned around. He’s smiling more, and he’s more confident, and when people accuse him of fucking a globe, he just smiles and says, “Damn straight.” It’s the kind of story you think only happens in Hollywood movies, but for Lester Kovaks the fantasy is real.
What’s next for this brave globe fucker? “I’m probably going to try to fuck another globe,” Lester says. “It’s good to fuck a globe. A lot of people don’t even know that fucking the globe can be an option for them, but it’s totally easy. You just have to drill a hole in the globe and keep fucking it even when your teacher threatens to call the police. It’s awesome, it’s easy, and, most importantly, it makes the world a safer and more just place.”
This is officially the most life-affirming story you’re going to read all year. We’re so grateful that people like Lester Kovaks are learning to embrace the things that make them unique, whether that’s fucking a globe or throwing a math textbook at a moving car, which Lester also did and has no regrets about. Here’s hoping that this next generation of kids takes a cue from Lester and learns to be unapologetically themselves in every way. If they’re even a fraction as brave as he is, the future is bright!
Awesome: Liam Hemsworth Is Teaching A New Workshop That Gives People The Skills They Need To Become A Hemsworth Brother
If you’ve been looking to learn a new skill, or you’re just on the hunt for a fun challenge, then you’re definitely going to want to keep reading, because one of the world’s most iconic actors is currently offering an opportunity to learn some of the secrets to his success: Liam Hemsworth is teaching a new workshop that gives people the skills they need to become a Hemsworth brother!
This is incredibly exciting! If you’ve ever dreamed about becoming a Hemsworth brother, this sounds like it’s the perfect class for you!
The three-week remote workshop, titled ‘Unlocking The Hemsworth Within: A Crash Course’ is currently open to the general public, and for just $800, students can learn from one of the world’s leading Hemsworth brothers about all the ins and outs of pursuing a career as a Hemsworth brother. In his description of the workshop, Liam outlines some of the key skills students can expect to learn in order to become a world-class Hemsworth brother, including being from Australia, hugging Chris Hemsworth on Christmas, looking like Luke Hemsworth, and having memories of growing up with all the Hemsworth brothers in the 1990s.
This is so exciting! While there might be countless YouTube tutorials and self-help books about how to become a Hemsworth brother, there’s really no substitution for learning the basics from a real-life member of the Hemsworth clan with years of experience as a professional Hemsworth brother.
The workshop lists itself as being “open to people of all ages and levels of experience with being a Hemsworth brother,” and Liam notes that the Hemsworth brother skills taught in the workshop have wide-ranging applications far beyond success in Hollywood. “Being a Hemsworth brother makes you an incredibly wealthy and sought-after movie star, but there are plenty of other benefits as well,” says Liam. “People who have taken my workshop in the past have gone on to achieve amazing things outside of the acting world, including having an Australian accent, being the son of Leonie and Craig Hemsworth, and having a driver’s license that says ‘Hemsworth’ on it.”
While three weeks might seem like a short time to become a Hemsworth brother, ‘Unlocking The Hemsworth Within’ has a proven track record for success. Notable alumni who became Hemsworth brothers by taking Liam’s workshop include Luke Hemsworth, David Hemsworth, Sydney Hemsworth, and Locust Hemsworth. It really seems like when you’re learning from the best, there’s no limit to how far you can go!
This is so exciting! If you’ve always dreamed of becoming a Hemsworth brother, but haven’t really known where to start, you should definitely check out Liam’s class. It’s so awesome that Liam is taking the time to teach aspiring Hemsworth brothers the basics, and give them the tools they need to achieve their dream of being part of the Hemsworth family and doing things like hanging out with the Hemsworths’ dad and starring in Marvel movies! Kudos to Liam for his generosity and taking the time to help inspire the next generation of Hemsworth brothers!
Duffel Blog
Hegseth orders new loyalty oath for Catholic troops
THE PENTAGON — Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth announced a new loyalty oath for Catholic service members this week, citing what he described as a growing threat to military cohesion posed by “America’s first pope.”The policy announcement came at the end of a Pentagon press conference during which Hegseth reportedly lost “another prolonged eye-contact battle” with Chairman of the Joint Chiefs Gen. Dan Caine.“As Vice President and Doctor of the Church JD Vance recently noted, Pope Leo XIV has undermined the lethality of our warriors by questioning the righteousness of our campaign to liberate Iranian schoolgirls from the tyranny of breathing,” Hegseth said.“One of my favorite philosophers once said, ‘Rome shall not rule,’” he continued. “And that’s especially true when our forces are in harm’s way. I just want Catholic troops to fully understand the chain of command between God and the federal government.”Hegseth said the additional oath should not concern troops already accustomed to military bureaucracy.“Look, you’re already taking oaths all the time,” he said. “Oath of enlistment, oath of office, security clearance paperwork. Even I had to swear I’d mostly stop drinking so Congress would confirm me.”The oath reads:“I swear by God this holy oath, that I will render to Donald Trump, leader of the American Realm and People, Supreme Commander of the Armed Forces, unconditional obedience, and that I am ready, as a brave soldier, sailor, Marine, airman, or guardian, to risk my life at any time for this oath.”“See? Short, simple, and to the point,” Hegseth said. “Now we can get back to blockading the blockade to reopen the place that was already open before we blockaded it.”The policy marks the latest escalation in deteriorating relations between the Vatican and the Trump administration. Analysts remain divided on the cause of the dispute. Some believe tensions began after the late Pope Francis allegedly decided eternal judgment was preferable to attending meetings with J.D. Vance, while others point to White House attempts to influence the papal election.White House pontifical candidate Adipatus Peniculus the FirstOne Pentagon source said matters worsened following a private meeting between the Vatican ambassador and Under Secretary of Defense for Policy Elbridge Colby.
Homeless veteran turns to prostitution to support WMD addiction
PHILADELPHIA — Homeless veteran John Webster has reportedly turned to prostitution to support what experts describe as a severe dependency on illicit weapons of mass destruction.Webster, whose VA-prescribed WMD regimen was discontinued earlier this year, said he now exchanges sexual favors for fentanyl, sarin gas, anthrax, and occasionally small quantities of weapons-grade plutonium.“I get most of it from my guy Krugg,” Webster said while standing near a busy intersection. “But by the time it gets to him, it’s all stepped on. His sarin’s cut with air, and the plutonium barely glows anymore. I should have enough WMDs in my system to level a major metropolitan area, but honestly I barely feel capable of destroying a strip mall.”Federal officials warned the illegal WMD trade is becoming increasingly sophisticated.“These weapons are no joke,” said one senior administration official speaking on condition of anonymity. “The CIA says Krugg gave Myanmar a free vial of VX just to get them hooked. In a way, we’re funding this ourselves.”The official added that the administration is now considering expanding domestic counterproliferation operations.“Look at the narco-terrorists flooding rural America with methamphetamine,” he said. “These WMDs have devastated communities across the country. That’s why we authorized missile strikes on suspected mobile weapons laboratories in West Virginia.”The Pentagon later clarified those facilities had exploded on their own.Officials also announced Amsterdam, Ibiza, and Tijuana had been added to an updated “Axis of Evil” watchlist, citing concerns over dangerous extremist activity including prolonged hand-staring, spontaneous dancing, and “uncontrolled techno environments.”At press time, operators at a nuclear missile silo confirmed they were installing targeting coordinates provided by “a shirtless guy yelling at squirrels outside a Wawa.”🖊️Red Friday wants you to Remember EVERYONE Deployed
VFW puzzled as younger veterans refuse to join organization that hates them
KANSAS CITY, Mo. — The Veterans of Foreign Wars is facing a recruiting shortfall as younger veterans continue declining to join the organization, citing what officials describe as “a persistent misunderstanding of our culture.”Post 690 has struggled to maintain membership this year, prompting leadership to increase outreach efforts during its annual Recruitment Week.“First, we make it pretty clear that we are a veterans organization,” said Post 690 Commander Gerald “Gerry” Watkins. “Every man that walks through here can tell that by the dusty bar, the blaring television bingo, and the scratcher stations in the corner. Then we razz them every time they come in about how stupid GWOT is, because only Vietnam really counts. I mean, are you really going to count a war that lets girls join? You might as well be a communist.”Officials said the strategy is designed to “build resilience” among prospective members. But according to Watkins, the approach had yet to produce results.“It’s horse shit,” Watkins said. “These GWOT veterans keep coming in, complaining we don’t treat them like human beings, and then have the audacity not to join. I hate these younger veterans. Why won’t they join my post?”Watkins added that recent attempts to modernize the post have also fallen short.“We even tried letting the girls join,” he said. “Apparently they don’t like being called spouses, and they get offended if I ask to see their DD-214 when they come in. Sorry for being old fashioned.”Historians note the VFW has faced similar recruiting challenges before. Membership declined in the 1970s as some World War II and Korean War veterans resisted admitting Vietnam veterans, arguing the conflict “wasn’t legitimate.”“The Global War on Terrorism wasn’t even a legitimate conflict. I don’t even know why they’re here,” said VFW spokesman Robert Kincaid.Kincaid said the organization remains confident in its long-term recruiting strategy.“We know our numbers are down, but that’s by design,” he said. “By essentially pushing away the new generation of veterans, we know that when they are in their 50s, alcoholic, and divorced, they will find exactly what nostalgia they need in our bars— I mean posts. Wait, are you recording?”Officials confirmed the organization plans to continue its current approach, which prioritizes “maintaining standards” by criticizing veterans who did not directly fight communism or who still “appear to have something going for them.”🖊️Phil Cable is a former sub radioman. Yes, he reads your emails, even that one with the thing.G-Had and Robin Berger contributed reporting.
Quentin Tarantino tapped to lead Army chaplain corps
HOLLYWOOD, Calif. — Pentagon officials announced today that filmmaker Quentin Tarantino will become the next chief of chaplains for the U.S. Army despite having no formal religious training, ministry experience, or apparent understanding of what chaplains do.The 63-year-old director is expected to receive the rank of major general during a ceremony at the Vista Theater in Los Feliz. Sources familiar with the planning said Tarantino originally pushed to hold the event at Grauman’s Chinese Theatre, but Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth reportedly rejected the venue as “too Chinese.”Tarantino, best known for films including Kill Bill, Pulp Fiction, and The Hateful Eight, will replace Maj. Gen. William Green, Jr., who was fired by U.S. Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth earlier this year as part of an broader shakeup of senior military leadership.Hegseth hinted at the appointment during a recent Pentagon prayer service, where he delivered what attendees described as “an aggressively rewritten” version of Ezekiel 25:17, the fictionalized Bible passage recited in Pulp Fiction by Samuel L. Jackson’s character Jules Winnfield.“The fake news Pharisees slithered in,” said Hegseth. “Pens dripping with venom, tongues forked with spin. Soulless scribes in designer suits, twisting truth into a clickbait noose. Not a slip. Not a glitch. Just lethality and truth throwing woke in the ditch.”Officials said Tarantino’s lack of chaplaincy credentials was ultimately viewed as a strength.“His films embrace violence, revenge, profanity, and extended monologues,” said one Pentagon official. “That really resonates with today’s Army.”
Pentagon adds 'hotness' score to female troops’ performance reports
THE PENTAGON — The Department of Defense has introduced a new evaluation metric for female service members, adding a 1-to-10 “hotness” score to performance reports in an effort officials say will bring transparency to existing promotion practices.The change was announced following the formation of a task force directed by Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth, which reviewed how appearance has historically influenced advancement decisions.“When I was on active duty—actually, I’m being told it was active duty orders, but the distinction isn’t important,” said task force head, Army National Guard Col. Oliver Kloepfer, who has been divorced three times. “It was difficult to quantify how women were being evaluated. This gives commanders a clear, objective standard.”According to guidance from the task force, the “hotness” score will account for 80% of a female service member’s evaluation, with physical fitness, academics, job performance, and “family planning outcomes” making up the remaining portion.Officials said the system will also include a standardized override mechanism.“If a service member is rated between one and five, a commander may annotate ‘Pass’ on the report,” a defense official said. “Ratings of six through ten may be marked ‘Smash,’ which will supersede the immediate supervisor’s assessment.”The task force, composed entirely of male senior leaders, said the framework ensures consistency across the force.“This is about removing ambiguity,” Kloepfer said. “Commanders have always considered these factors. Now we’re just aligning the paperwork with reality.”Some service members said they are already adapting to the changes.“I figured this was coming,” said Maj. Sylvia Sullivan, an Air Force logistics officer. “Deployments will include a four-point adjustment. I’m a CONUS four, but a deployment eight, so I’ll be volunteering as much as possible ahead of my next promotion board.”Sullivan added that the new system introduces opportunities for higher ratings.“If you’re already a CONUS seven to ten, you can exceed a ten on deployment,” she said. “That’s significant for your record.”The policy applies immediately to all female service members from E-1 through O-9.Asked how he would rate his current spouse under the new system, Kloepfer declined to comment. However, officials later confirmed that a napkin left at the podium included an unofficial assessment reading, “a solid 7, but definitely a drunk 10.”
Daily Mash
Answer to question ‘Can London get any worse?’ predictably ‘Yes’
All homeworkers naked
ALL homeworkers are completing their allotted tasks and attending meetings entirely naked, they have confirmed.
Across the country, anyone working from home is typing with their laptop mere inches from their exposed, perspiring genitalia and will not mention it if you do not ask.
Jordan Gardner said: “In a heatwave you should open windows at night and keep curtains closed by day. And with all the curtains closed only a fool’s wearing underpants.
“If you’re in an office? You’ve got air-con as reward for your sweaty frottering commute. I don’t have that luxury. I’m forced to use more primal methods.
“No, I will not be turning my camera on for the meeting. I think we both know why, and I urge you not to press the issue. It wouldn’t just be the background that needed blurring.
“I’m clocking in, I’m doing my job, there will be no complaints about the quality of my work. What does it matter to you I’m doing it as naked and unashamed as Adam and Eve before the serpent? ROIs are ROIs.”
Office manager Joanna Kramer said: “So you mean in the call with Sally this morning, she was nude? I’m not sure how I feel about that. She’s got massive tits.”
How not to notice a camper van, with Scotland’s Nicola Sturgeon
HELLO, I’m former first minister and future Through The Keyhole host Nicola Sturgeon, who is oblivious to 90 per cent of my lived environment and you can be too.
The trick is to be relentlessly incurious about almost every aspect of your life. For example, here I am at the home of my 95-year-old mother-in-law. A vehicle is in the driveway, a large white one. Perhaps she’s got some men in doing a bit of work! That’s most likely.
And when it’s still there, month after month, year after year? Then simply assume her drive is a campsite with a long-term resident. Who wouldn’t want to stay in Scotland, after all? So lovely with the lochs.
Likewise, when you’re at home taking a phone call and need a pen to jot down a few details? And the pen you find seems a little heavier and more expensively-tooled than an ordinary Biro? I’m focused on what I’m writing, thank you very much!
Yes, when you’re distracted with matters of state like I was from 2016 to 2022, minor matters like a selection of ever-changing limited-edition fountain pens with 14 carat gold inlay blur into the background, with the handy side-effect of keeping you innocent.
Who has time to notice a Jura fully automatic bean-to-cup coffee machine when you’re scanning the headlines before heading off to Holyrood? Am I right, ladies? Or two years later when it’s replaced by the £2,595 Jura Z8.
Don’t sweat the small stuff, they say, and what are a pair of £2,618 Lalique salt and pepper grinders if not small stuff? All I was doing was seasoning my fish supper!
So be more Sturgeon and you too won’t even perceive sterling silver Kelpie beakers, (£1,495), Fortnum’s musical Santa’s Sleigh advent calendars (£165), a Husqvarna lawnmower (£3,070) or a pair of Waterford crystal Aran bowls (£1,025).
And if you do, just believe his story that he ‘got a bargain on eBay’ like wives throughout the country do. Men! Always some silly thing.
Insane man wearing jeans
A CLEARLY disturbed man has chosen to wear full-length trousers rather than shorts, it has emerged.
Undeterred by the scorching temperatures currently blighting the nation, unbalanced maniac Tom Booker has voluntarily chosen to forego the rational choice of shorts and instead has both legs fully covered.
Disturbed onlooker Nikki Hollis said: “What does this f**khead think it is, this time last week?
“Shouldn’t a carer or someone be supervising him? They can be any shorts, not just stylish yet reasonably priced ones from M&S. Even an unsexy cargo pair would do. But jeans? Has he not heard this is a climate emergency?”
Martin Bishop said: “This is cruel, somebody should really step in to save the poor guy. If this was a dog locked in a hot car you wouldn’t hesitate to smash the windows to free it. This is the same thing.
“We should hold him down and forcibly strip him of his illegal leg coverings, then hoist them on a pole while hooting and hollering wildly. Anyone? I wouldn’t normally, but it’s this heat.”
Booker said: “I expect I’ll carry on like this until October then change into shorts. That should feel nice and bracing.”
Man sleeps with woman to prevent second date
A MAN who wanted to avoid the awkwardness of turning a woman down after their first date achieved the same result by having sex with her instead.
Tom Booker was going to give Grace Wood-Morris a little speech about not being in the right place right now and the vibe being off, but instead took the coward’s way out with preposterously poor lovemaking.
He said: “I couldn’t bear to see her face as I let her down, so I did this instead. That way I could keep my eyes tight shut when I ejaculated after 98 seconds.
“She was into me, I wasn’t into her, that power imbalance embarrassed me, so I did the decent thing and let her know there was no future in it the old-fashioned way. And believe me, she’s in no doubt.
“Back at her place I wasted zero time letting her know I wasn’t a keeper. No foreplay and a swift finish during which I moaned ‘Mommy’. She couldn’t get me off her fast enough. And best of all, she feels like she’s the one doing the dumping.
“I walked out of there with my head held high. I’d ended it like a gentleman. Within 40 minutes she’d texted me a polite but final ending and I could block her number with a clear conscience.”
Wood-Morris said: “I’ve had worse.”
The Poke
Former Mega Maga Megyn Kelly tried to call out Donald Trump for corruption and fell off her high horse halfway through the statement
The Magas continue to leap off the Trump Titanic as it swirls down to the bottom of the ocean. The most recent defector is former Fox News screaming head, Megyn Kelly. She’s not on TV regularly anymore, but Kelly continues to get her opinions out into the void by appearing on any and every podcast […]
The Poke.
Reform tried to deflect from their Makerfield candidate’s offensive online history by bigging up his TA membership, and it was a spectacular self-own – 18 top takedowns
Robert Kenyon, the ‘ordinary bloke’ selected by Reform UK as their candidate in the all-important Makerfield by-election, has been shielded by the party from interacting with the public or with any kind of impartial media. Reform UK’s candidate won’t face questions by journalists, he only does Reform UK videos. He’s deleted his social and is […]
The Poke.
I went to a Trump rally and lived to blog about it – notes from inside the orange & distended belly of the beast
The President of the United States is an amoral animal wringing every last drop of money, power, and Diet Coke out of the White House. When he’s not busy fraudulently enriching himself, he’s meandering the country trying to keep his cronies in position to do the same. That brings us to Rockland County in upstate […]
The Poke.
Donald Trump explained why the Medal of Freedom is better than the Medal of Honor and his rationale should be dishonorably discharged into the sun
If there’s one person on the planet who is unqualified to speak to the merits of military honors, it’s Donald Trump. The President is known for dodging wars, creating fake medical issues, and calling out any soldier who gets killed or injured in combat. And yet, Trump has made a name for himself by calling […]
The Poke.
What’s something that instantly tells you a person is going to be exhausting? – 17 signs someone is going to be an energy vampire
The best people in life light up every room they enter with their charm and charisma. Then there are people who are the opposite: joy-sucking vampires who always kill the vibe. Obviously you’ll want to steer clear of these tedious folk, but how? Well, you could do a lot worse than to heed the answers […]
The Poke.
