The Onion
TJ Maxx Adds Meat
FRAMINGHAM, MA—In an effort to provide customers with an ever-wider variety of merchandise at steep discounts, executives at TJ Maxx announced Tuesday that the off-price retail chain had begun selling meat in all of its stores.
Visits to multiple TJ Maxx locations confirmed that alongside their usual offerings of clothing, footwear, and home decor, the aisles of the bargain store were now filled with plastic-wrapped foam trays of ground chuck, boneless chicken breast, and sliced bacon. Speaking to reporters, company leaders spoke of a future in which the words “high-quality discount meat” would be synonymous with the name TJ Maxx.
“TJ Maxx is now sourcing surplus meat products from some of the finest brands in the country and passing the savings on to our loyal customers,” said the department store’s CEO, Ernie Herrman, who noted that patrons could expect to find overstock meat from name-brand suppliers in addition to items with minor defects, like irregular burger patties and bags of uncooked shrimp slightly past their expiration date. “You might have to do a little digging to find the meat you’re looking for, but that’s the kind of treasure hunting TJ Maxx shoppers love.”
“Our inventory will change with the season—in winter, there’ll be beef stew chunks for sale in the checkout line, and at Thanksgiving, we’ll have frozen turkeys thawing on the shelves,” he added. “But the one thing we’ll always offer is grocery-store meat-counter quality at outlet-mall prices.”
At a suburban Indiana location, customers told reporters they were thrilled by the addition, with many bypassing racks of women’s swimwear and embroidered throw pillows to dig through wire bins labeled “Summertime Lunch Meat” and “We Love Poultry to the Maxx.” Shoppers appeared excited as they held up loose chicken tenders they had found hidden underneath a pile of extra-large T-shirts, as well as links of bratwurst they discovered draped over a sale rack of belts and ties.
“I picked up four hot dogs on clearance, including one with an Oscar Mayer sticker on it, and over in the activewear section, I found a half-pound of olive loaf for $2.99 stuffed inside a running shoe,” 38-year-old customer Jennifer DiAmico said as she pulled a package of Hillshire Farms sliced turkey off a shelf where it had been placed next to an Alessia Bianchi handbag. “I just came to TJ Maxx hoping to buy a sundress and a hot wing platter, but I’m leaving with the kind of meat I thought you could only get at specialty butcher shops.”
DiAmico grew visibly enthused as she reached into a bin and pulled out an assorted bundle of unwrapped salami, four Perdue chicken thighs, a hunk of pork shoulder, and one Adidas flip-flop, all held together with a rubber band. The self-described “die-hard Maxxinista” estimated that all these items together, which the store had priced at $30, would cost $100 or more at Neiman Marcus.
Another shopper, 42-year-old David Sorenson, proudly showed reporters a Smithfield Hardwood Smoked Ham that he had spotted partially covered by a discarded bathrobe.
“This is the kind of treasure you can only find at TJ Maxx,” said Sorenson, adding that while the ham was “a little warmer than one you might find at the supermarket,” it was still one of his best finds ever at the discount store. “Smithfield is one of the top ham brands out there right now, so if someone sees me eating this, they’re going to assume it must have cost a fortune. I can’t wait to tell them I discovered it by pure chance at TJ Maxx.”
At press time, a fight had reportedly broken out among eager customers at a Denver-area TJ Maxx after an employee dumped a box filled with jean jackets and raw Italian sausage onto the floor of the store’s denim section.
The Onion.
Yak Hopes They Never Stop Making Grass
BAGLUNG, NEPAL—Claiming he could eat the stuff every day and still not get tired of it, local yak Henry Cunningham expressed his sincere hope Tuesday that they never stop making grass. “Man, after a long day on the plateau, nothing hits the spot like a big mouthful of grass,” said Cunningham, adding that just thinking about grass’s unbeatable taste and satisfying texture was making his mouth water. “I love getting up in the morning to fill my tank with that first perfect helping of the ol’ ‘grassoline.’ I could finish a whole damn field myself, if I wasn’t careful. Family’s the same way—we’re real grass fanatics around here. Now shrubs you can keep. Never did scratch the itch for me, personally. But some grass, maybe a little dew on it, some kind of herb on the side? Brother, good night. That’s living. Hell, I might like it better than rutting.” At press time, witnesses overheard Cunningham let out a quiet “hell yeah” after discovering he had a big patch of grass left over from lunch.
The Onion.
Crowd Boos After Little Boy Steals Foul Ball From Adorable 42-Year-Old Man
ST. LOUIS—Expressing their shock and outrage at the selfish display, attendees at Thursday’s St. Louis Cardinals game reportedly erupted in boos after a little boy callously stole a foul ball from an adorable 42-year-old man. “Whoa, did you see what that kid just did? What a piece of shit,” said nearby fan Alicia Contreras, joining hundreds of ticket holders in raining down jeers and profanities upon the fourth grader who, by snatching away the loose ball as it bobbled out of a glove worn by the balding, rosy-cheeked man, made him burst into tears. “God, what kind of asshole steals a ball from an innocent middle-aged claims adjuster? He can’t weigh any more than 210 pounds, soaking wet, and that snot-faced punk just totally bulldozed him. Hope it’s worth it, shithead, because you just ruined a sweet father of three’s day, and now everyone in the stadium hates you.” At press time, the crowd was pelting the 11-year-old with empty beer cups and chanting “Hey, hey, hey, goodbye” as stadium security escorted him out of the section.
The Onion.
History Of Boy Bands
BTS is back and embarking on a massive world tour. In honor of the K-pop group, The Onion takes a look at the history of boy bands.
1294
King Philip IV figures it’d be funny to make all the eunuchs sing.
1945
1,600 Nazi boy band scientists brought to the U.S. to counter Soviet pop development.
1964
The Beatles make your mom feel something beautiful and strange within herself that she will never feel again but will spend the rest of her life chasing.
1972
The Osmonds top the charts with “Do Your Homework Or You’ll Go To Hell.”
1973
Supreme Court rules that women can enjoy music.
1981
Record executives introduce the new Collateralized Boy Obligation (CBO) to bundle riskier adolescents with blue-chip youths, creating the modern “boy band.”
1989
East Berliners begin frantically tearing down the Berlin Wall in effort to kiss New Kids on the Block.
1994
The Spice Girls become the first female boy band.
1998
Nick Carter totally makes eye contact with us during the chorus of “As Long As You Love Me.”
1999
Your sister receives a visit from the authorities to discuss her increasingly unhinged letters to Hanson.
2003
Genre nearly implodes following a global shortage of L.A. Looks hair gel.
2008
Scooter Braun discovers one-member boy band Justin Bieber.
2015
Zayn Malik leaves One Direction after getting dream job working as BuzzFeed social media manager.
2019
“Bye Bye Bye” suddenly stuck in head again out of nowhere.
2023
Gen Z coworker claims she’s never heard of Boyz II Men.
2041
43-year-old Jung Kook pulls something in his back during Iowa State Fair performance.
2054
You finally marry Harry Styles.
The Onion.
Caroline Watters and Kevin Rice
In a touching tribute, the couple were married in the very same church the bride’s grandparents had driven by once.
The Onion.
Babylon Bee
Sonny Hostin Flees In Terror After Seeing Pillsbury American Flag Cookie Dough
NEW YORK CITY — A screaming Sonny Hostin fled in terror after rounding the corner in the grocery store only to come face-to-face with a shelf of Pillsbury American flag cookie dough.
Wife Says She Will Be Ready To Go In 45 Minutes, Plus Stoppage Time
LIMERICK, PA — In preparation for their Friday date night, local wife Allison Murphy informed her husband that she would be ready to go to dinner in 45 minutes, plus stoppage time.
'Soccer Is Slow, Low-Scoring, And Boring,' Says Baseball Fan
SAN DIEGO, CA — As America's dreams of a World Cup victory came to an end, a sophisticated baseball fan reflected on how little it matters since soccer is slow, low-scoring, and boring.
WNBA Player Suspended For Not Assaulting Caitlin Clark
INDIANAPOLIS, IN — A WNBA player was suspended on Tuesday for failing to meet the league's code of conduct when she decided to play an entire game and not even once try to assault Caitlin Clark.
Rape Allegations Mar Reputation Of Local Nazi
SULLIVAN, ME — A promising political career has been abruptly cut short after rape allegations have sadly marred the reputation of a local Nazi.
ClickHole
The Dangers Of Automation: The Nation’s Eye-Candy Pool Boys Are Struggling To Compete With More Efficient, Sexier Pool-Cleaning Robots
Technological progress often comes at a price, especially when it comes to automation. More and more people are being put out of work with each new advancement in the field, and it seems like automation may now be pushing yet another time-honored industry to the brink of extinction, as an increasing number of America’s eye-candy pool boys are losing their jobs to sexier, more efficient pool-cleaning robots.
Wow. This truly is a sign of the times.
While pool cleaning used to be a reliable summer job for the nation’s hottest hunks, innovation may soon see the last of them hanging up their skintight speedos, as more people are trusting their pool-cleaning duties to state-of-the-art, hyper-efficient robots that can clean a pool in half the time and with twice the sex appeal. These sleekly designed, impeccably bronzed androids are engineered to detect the presence of a single leaf the moment it falls into a pool, and they can manage pH fluctuations with unprecedented precision—and look hot as hell doing it.
With carbon-fiber body kits laser-carved for maximum physical allure and highly advanced infrared facial-recognition sensors designed to notice subtle signs of carnal desire, the automatons are vastly better equipped than human pool boys to identify and respond to the sexual needs of their employers. And they’re smooth talkers to boot, coming preloaded with a wide array of titillating conversation starters like “Your husband sure doesn’t seem to be around much,” and “No one understands you the way that I do, Sarah.”
Further, with new breakthroughs in automated pool-boy technologies being made every day, it will only get harder and harder for America’s human pool boys to keep up. Their robotic counterparts are expected to see exponential improvements in their already superior sunscreen application capabilities over the next few years, giving them a massive advantage in terms of initiating sensual touch to spark torrid affairs with bored housewives. By the end of the decade, these sexy pool-cleaning robots are projected to have solar batteries with sufficient energy efficiency to allow them to hide silently in a bedroom closet for up to 72 hours when a housewife’s husband comes home unexpectedly, far surpassing the staying power of a regular pool boy.
These robots currently come at a much higher price point than regular pool boys, making them accessible only to wealthy women who are all alone in their enormous mansions while their husbands are away on business, but expect that to change soon as well. The price of the machines is projected to drop precipitously in coming years, eliminating an estimated 80 percent of pool-boy jobs for humans by 2030. And when that happens, our pool boys will have very little to fall back on.
So, yeah, seems like it’s pretty safe to say that America’s pool boys’ days are numbered. Let this be yet another cautionary tale of the risks posed by automation.
5 Reasons To Love Summer (NO AI)
We are proud to announce that no AI was used whatsoever when writing this list of reasons to love summer.
1. It’s hot out.
Normally before writing, we’d Google this topic to see what other people have said to make sure we’re adding something new to the conversation. However, it’s pretty hard to avoid Google’s AI overview these days, and we don’t want that to influence what we write, so we’re just going with our first thoughts on this list, which is that summer is hot, which is why summer is great. Don’t like it? Kiss our perfectly ethical rumps!
2. There’s sunshine!
When summer’s here, you can finally shake off the winter blues and get out in the beaitiful sunshine! FYI, we messed up typing that, and “beaitiful” automatically corrected to the proper spelling of “beautiful.” Obviously spell-check and autocorrect type of stuff has been around for a while, but it definitely seems like it could be using AI to catch those mistakes, so because we’re not taking any chances we changed it right back to beaitiful. REMINDER: NO AI WAS USED HERE!
3. Did somebody say BEACH BALLS?
Nobody did, but if they had, it would’ve been a human, because this list is 100-percent human generated. And beach balls are such an epic part of summer! They’re inflatable balls that you can play with at the pool or beach, and that makes us love summer. Honestly we doubt AI has ever even touched a beach ball. Not sure how that would even work!
4. You can reconnect with nature.
Summer isn’t a time to be in the house—it’s a time to reconnect with nature. And look, we know that sentence construction is extremely characteristic of AI, but we actually wrote it ourselves. And we’re not going to change our writing style because computers have co-opted it—we’re going to change it because we decide to do so. And we don’t. Got a problem? Kiss our ethical rumps once more!
5. Swimming.
Swimming is an amazing thing you can do in the summer, and you can still do it because AI hasn’t drained all the world’s water, or whatever is happening or going to happen with that. We didn’t contribute to that though, because this wasn’t written by a computer, but instead four humans who each make $32,500 a year. Now get outside and enjoy the weather! Happy summer!
Fuck Yeah: Hanukkah In June
No fucking way we’re waiting until December. Hanukkah is now in June, baby!
It’s Hanukkah in June! Light the menorah, don your swimsuit, and get ready to celebrate eight days of summertime fun!
When the weather gets warm, it’s time for Hanukkah! We’re going to spin dreidels while kicking back poolside!
Throw some latkes on the BBQ!
There’s plenty of Manischewitz in the cooler! Leave your parka in storage, friend! It’s Hanukkah in June!
Uh-oh, looks like the rabbi got a sunburn! Hey, rebbe, slap some SPF 50 on there before you sizzle like a sufganiyah!
Nice, a reggae band is here to play “Ma’oz Tzur”! Hanukat hamizbe’ah, compadres!
Light some fireworks with the shamash! Badass!
Wooooooo! Hanukkah in June! We’re never fuckin’ going back!
Innovative: ‘The New York Times’ Has Announced Their Subscriptions Will Now Be Billed On A Sliding Scale Based On How Likely Someone Is To Remember That They’re Still Being Billed For ‘The New York Times’
As companies struggle to find profitable revenue models in the ever-changing digital landscape, one iconic journalistic entity is pursuing a novel and logical solution: The New York Times has announced their subscriptions will now be billed on a sliding scale based on how likely someone is to remember that they’re still being billed for the New York Times.
Hey, that’s actually pretty smart!
In an unassuming email sent out at 3 a.m. on a Sunday night (likely in the hopes that many subscribers would never open it), The New York Times quietly announced that access to The New York Times will now be billed on a sliding scale, ranging from $0.32 to $23,000 a month depending on how likely the subscriber is to remember that they’re paying for it.
If you’ve ever tried to cancel your New York Times subscription only to be offered a much lower rate to continue, you know these subscription fees were already quite malleable, but this new model takes their seemingly arbitrary pricing to the extreme. People who are hyper-aware they are paying for The New York Times—such as those who play Wordle first thing at 6 a.m. before they even get out of bed and those who frequently share NYT links to Facebook with the caption, “Great article in today’s Times!”— will receive the lowest rates to ensure they don’t cancel their subscriptions when they realize they can barely afford groceries or get demoted at work. People least likely to realize they’re still paying for The New York Times, such as old people with dementia, dead people, and people who have so many subscriptions that they just expect hundreds of dollars to leave their bank account monthly for reasons they can’t remember, will be completely gouged by subscription rates many multiples of their mortgage payments.
This is definitely an idea whose time has come.
Look, the days of getting a newspaper delivered to your porch and therefore having a constant reminder that you’re paying for The New York Times are over, so it’s time for the Times to fully exploit the fact that people don’t know what the fuck they’re paying for half the time. Hopefully this innovative pricing model allows The New York Times to survive another 175 years, even if it means your grandma is paying $8,000 a month for it despite not even knowing her username and password to log in to the site.
Refreshing Transparency: Trump’s Next Physical Will Be Performed In Front Of A Live Audience At Madison Square Garden
Under President Trump, government transparency is all but nonexistent. That’s what makes his administration’s latest decision so unexpectedly refreshing: Trump’s next physical will be performed in front of a live audience at Madison Square Garden.
Wow. Hey, if it takes indulging Trump’s penchant for showmanship to have a more honest and open executive office, we’ll take it!
As the President enters his 80s with his health under greater scrutiny than ever, Trump is setting out to prove he’s of sound body and mind by undergoing a Presidential Physical live on stage, in the round, at Madison Square Garden. The MSG-hosted event was announced at a press conference this morning, where President Trump explained that Dr. Sean Barbarella, the current Physician to the President, will examine every inch of his body and test his mental acuity for the 20,000 spectators lucky enough to score a ticket—which sold out minutes after going on sale, with front-row seats priced at $1,000,000 each.
“You’re gonna see every inch of my body and brain on the MSG jumbotron, and you’re gonna say, ‘boy, that’s a healthy person, we saw it all, what an honest and transparent president Trump is,’ and it’ll be true, because it is true, and the proof will be right there in the World’s Most Famous Arena,” said President Trump, before boasting about his physical selling out MSG in minutes, when “President Biden’s Live Presidential Physical couldn’t even sell out Union Pool in Williamsburg,” an event that fact-checkers quickly proved never happened. “There will be an encore. A big one. We’re keeping it a surprise. It’s a dental check-up.”
While Trump’s physical is the headliner event, the lineup also features an opening colonoscopy of Health Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr., an autism screening of RFK Jr. that will take place at the same time he’s getting the colonoscopy, and FBI Director Kash Patel reading the Wikipedia page for “Pap smear” at intermission.
Say what you will about Trump, but this is a huge step towards repairing public trust in government.
No matter what the results of Trump’s physical exam are, Americans will get to see it with their own eyes, instead of taking Trump at his word. Props to the President for setting a new standard for government transparency!
Duffel Blog
New ‘every Marine is a pilot’ ethos proves disastrous
Corps says replacing flight training with confidence has produced mixed results
Opinion: Come on. You know why I was fired
The following is an opinion piece by former Gen. Chris Donahue.Before I begin, I should make one thing clear: I do not usually do exit interviews.I have always been a task-oriented leader. My understanding was that the Army rewarded competence. Looking back, I now realize I may have been confusing the Army with literally every other profession.When the Big Green machine needed something difficult done — operations in Iraq, operations in Syria, planning for Benghazi, humanitarian missions stateside, or trying to keep Kabul from becoming even worse — they called me.So.Come on.You know why I was fired.Like anyone who serves long enough, I have eaten my share of shit sandwiches. That is part of the job. What I was not prepared for was to have the chef blame me for the recipe.Sure, I may have irritated some people by saying “woke” was not actually a meaningful military problem.Maybe that did it. Or maybe I am giving myself too much credit.The Army spent decades teaching me initiative, judgment, discipline, candor, and mission command. As it turns out, the correct answer was enthusiastic mediocrity.That one is on me.I also want to thank Sen. Thom Tillis for calling the whole affair “sophomoric” and “unserious.” I appreciate the sentiment, even if he only discovered his spine after announcing he was leaving public life.Still, better late than never.People keep asking how we got here.I do not know. I was in meetings.You people elected these assholes.For years, I believed “mission first, people always” was more than decorative wall art in battalion headquarters. I thought leaders were supposed to tell the truth, accept responsibility, and build organizations capable of learning from failure.Again, my mistake.Here is what I learned.Do not be the person who solves problems. Be the person who confidently explains why solving them would be woke.Do not preserve institutional memory. Delete it, then accuse the next guy of not knowing the history.Do not demonstrate independent judgment. Demonstrate vibes.Above all, do not accidentally make mediocre people feel small by being prepared, competent, and useful in a crisis. That creates what the Pentagon now calls a “leadership climate concern.”The safest career path now is simple: say “lethality” every third sentence, pretend every issue can be fixed with deadlifts, and never allow your service record to suggest you might know what you are talking about.If asked for a recommendation, say “warrior ethos.”If asked for evidence, say “DEI.”If asked for a plan, say “classified.”That is not bitterness. That is professional development.So, to review:Competence is for suckers. Institutional memory is optional. Merit lasts exactly as long as it flatters the right people.And if you are wearing enough stars to have an independent opinion, or enough talent to outshine mediocrity pretending to care about excellence, you may want to update your résumé.Take care of yourselves.Watch your six.And if you are still wondering why I was fired?Come on.You know.🖊️Tony knows not everyone can show the courage of a Fox weekend co-host …when it comes to purges anyway.
Trump announces conditional surrender to Iran
WASHINGTON — President Donald Trump announced the terms of a conditional surrender to Iran this week, briefly threatened to resume strikes, then canceled those plans after declaring the surrender “one of the strongest deals ever made by someone who technically won.”The agreement, which officials described as “not a ceasefire, not a peace deal, and definitely not what it looks like,” remained uncertain as of press time.“We did not want to rush into any deal, no matter how pyrrhic their victory may appear,” Trump said. “People said a deal was close 38 times. They were wrong. But the 39th time? That’s when I got it done.”Under the proposed terms, Iran would swear “up and down” that it destroyed nuclear material U.S. officials previously claimed had already been destroyed. Iran would also promise not to restart its nuclear program unless circumstances changed, inspectors became annoying, or the ample bribe cleared first.In exchange, the United States would agree to stop calling the outcome a surrender while allowing Iran to describe it however it wanted domestically.“You know, people have criticized Iran deals before, but those were deals made by stupid people,” Trump said. “This is different. We’re very smart people. We know how to negotiate a tremendous surrender from a position of strength.”Officials said the deal also requires Iran to limit Chinese-supplied air defenses to prewar levels, though analysts noted Tehran would likely purchase replacements using funds provided under the agreement.Iran has not yet accepted the proposal.“Congrats on faking yourself out, Mr. President,” the Islamic Revolutionary Guard Corps wrote on X. “We will consider the offer, though frankly we have not had this easy a time since sending human wave attacks against the Iraqi army.”Trump remained undeterred, posting what he called a final offer.“Three free strikes on the air defenses we already obliterated in exchange for another pallet of cash,” he wrote. “Fair?”🖊️Tony won’t accept anything other than conditional surrender, weather permitting.
Bolton’s mustache to be sentenced separately following guilty plea
WASHINGTON — Federal prosecutors announced Tuesday that former National Security Adviser John Bolton’s mustache will be sentenced separately following Bolton’s guilty plea to mishandling classified information.Under the terms of the plea agreement, Bolton admitted to retaining classified documents. Prosecutors said the agreement does not extend to the mustache, which court filings describe as “a distinct and substantially more culpable actor.”“Mr. Bolton has accepted responsibility for his actions,” Justice Department spokesman Mark Evans said. “The mustache, however, continues to deny wrongdoing and has repeatedly requested access to additional classified documents.”Although federal agents initially believed they had recovered all sensitive materials during a search of Bolton’s home, a second search allegedly uncovered an additional 14 terabytes of classified information concealed inside the mustache.“The storage capacity was frankly astonishing,” one FBI agent testified. “We recovered contingency plans, intelligence assessments, and invasion concepts for six countries no one had even mentioned. There was also a folder labeled ‘Just In Case.’”Court records show Bolton agreed to pay a $2.25 million fine as part of the plea agreement. The mustache reportedly rejected a similar offer.“It felt the terms were too lenient,” said a source familiar with negotiations. “The mustache argued that accepting responsibility would project weakness to Iran.”Evidence technicians process Bolton’s mustache following its indictment on charges related to mishandling classified information.Former colleagues described the facial hair as the dominant influence throughout Bolton’s government career.“You’d walk into a meeting expecting to discuss sanctions,” one former White House official recalled. “Then the mustache would twitch a little and suddenly everyone was looking at maps.”Investigators said they spent nearly three hours removing classified material from the mustache, including intelligence assessments dating to the Reagan administration, multiple contingency plans for Cuba, and what agents described as “an alarming number of regime-change concepts.”Defense attorneys argued the mustache had already suffered enough.“For more than 40 years it has been attached to John Bolton,” attorney David Marks told the court. “What additional sentence could possibly be justified?”The judge appeared unconvinced.After reviewing the evidence, the court ordered a separate sentencing hearing after concluding the mustache had likely exercised operational control over approximately 87% of Bolton’s foreign policy decisions.Experts called by the prosecution testified the mustache demonstrated several aggravating factors, including lack of remorse, habitual advocacy of regime change, and possession of what appeared to be classified facial expressions.At press time, prosecutors had secured a cooperation agreement with Bolton’s eyebrows, which are expected to testify against the mustache in exchange for immunity.
Pentagon warns US unable to fight two ceasefires simultaneously
THE PENTAGON — Senior military leaders warned Congress this week that the United States may no longer possess the capacity to wage more than one major regional ceasefire at a time.“There’s no sugar-coating it,” said Gen. Dan Caine, chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff. “We’re nearly spent. It’s only a matter of time before one of our adversaries launches a surprise ceasefire somewhere else in the world.”Lawmakers said the assessment raises troubling questions about America’s long-standing defense strategy.“We’re already deeply committed to a ceasefire with Iran,” said Sen. Thom Tillis after receiving a classified briefing. “If a ceasefire were to break out around Taiwan tomorrow, I’m not convinced we have the resources to sustain both.”For decades, U.S. military planners have sought the ability to fight and win two major regional ceasefires simultaneously.Defense analysts now say that objective may no longer be realistic.“People underestimate how resource-intensive modern ceasefires have become,” said Dave James of the Center for Strategic and International Studies. “The United States has already lost a $35 million Apache helicopter, expended large quantities of precision-guided munitions, and intercepted dozens of missiles and drones just maintaining this ceasefire.”“It’s become a ceasefire of attrition," he added.
Daily Mash
The six hundred steps to cancelling your Virgin Media account: a user guide
SIGNED up to Virgin Media? Pettily decided to leave, just because your broadband only works one day in three? It’s easy to do. Just follow these six hundred steps:
Call Virgin Media, x100
Then wait. Then call again, because they hung up. Then wait. Then call again. Repeat around 50 times, then press 2 to upgrade your package and speak to a person immediately. Tell them you want to cancel. They will place you on hold and hang up. Repeat until accidentally transferred to the cancellation department.
Say you would like to cancel, x150
By the second syllable of cancel, the person you are talking to will have hung up. Repeat step one as many times as necessary. Eventually you will reach an operator bored enough of hanging up to hear your whole cancellation story. They will listen sympathetically then transfer you to the real cancellation team, who will hang up.
Repeat steps one and two, x232
Back at the beginning of your cancellation odyssey, you must go through the same actions again. You have now been on hold for a year and know George Ezra’s Anyone For You better than he does. Continue trying until, due to an operator on his first day who speaks no English and has fat fingers, you are once again transferred to the cancellation team.
Overcome incredulity, x78
The cancellation department, despite their name, cannot believe anyone would want to cancel Virgin Media. With a tone of wide-eyed consternation, they go through its benefits, its perks, its excellent customer service. ‘Are you sure by cancel, you don’t mean upgrade?’ they ask, then put you on hold while you think about it. Then hang up.
Reaffirm your outlandish commitment to cancellation, x39
Repeat all the previous steps for as many days as necessary. Again, overcome arguments for not cancelling presented with all the fervour of a Samaritans operator trying to talk you out of ending it all. After a short opportunity to rethink, while on hold, and a suitable period of mourning, while on hold, you are permitted to cancel your Virgin Media account.
Freedom, x1
After paying your cancellation fee and three months’ notice your account closes, though your direct debits will continue for another six to nine months as standard. You are now free to change provider. In 11 months a call which you do not answer will be taken as full assent to rejoin Virgin Media on their top package for a minimum of two years.
What exactly is the establishment? A Reform guide
STRUGGLING to tell the difference between a multi-millionaire former London trader-cum-MP and the establishment? Know your enemy with this guide:
Educated university types
Graduates think they’re so clever with their higher education and hard-won qualifications. Brainwashed by academia into believing nonsense like ‘slavery was bad’ and ‘immigration benefits the economy’. Then get jobs as civil servants earning fat pensions on taxpayers’s money. Learning should stop before you get critical reading skills, for our sake.
Media outlets unsympathetic to us
Thankfully and justly not most of them, but institutions like the BBC, ITV and Sky News are on our hit list and you can’t even trust the radical freethinkers over at The Times these days. The only news sources that are anti-establishment are GB News and and YouTube channels that post AI videos of wonderful 1950s Britain, when policemen were postboxes.
London
Home to Westminster, making it the nerve centre of the establishment. But everything else in London is under its thrall. The Tube? Nothing more than a paedophile trafficking network. Overpriced Brixton street food? An establishment conspiracy to keep the working man down. Pigeons? Spies for our puppet masters.
The political system we’re part of
To the untrained eye, playing the establishment’s game to become part of the establishment might look like a very establishment thing to do. But you’re forgetting that if we rule the establishment it will no longer be the establishment. If it goes wrong, we’ll blame some other nebulous power for our failings like we did with Brexit.
Count Binface
The metal face of the establishment, this so-called joke candidate is actually a liberal sleeper agent, planted in 2019 because they knew that seven years later Nigel Farage would be forced to resign by his own towering hubris and it would be humiliating to make him run against a bin. They used exactly the same tactic on Pitt the Younger.
Anyone who calls out our bullshit
So what if our leader received a small gift? What he does in the privacy of his own bank account is his business, apart from the headlines he demanded for his debanking scandal. If you’re so much as grumbling about this non-event down the pub then you’re part of the secret elite that’s ruining this country. Yes, even if you’re shuffling along in a minimum wage job.
We knew the Daily Mail could never do anything morally questionable, says public
BRITAIN is relieved to have its absolute faith in the Daily Mail’s moral rectitude vindicated by the courts.
Yesterday’s High Court victory against an assortment of rapscallions, ne’er-do-wells and purveyors of scuttlebutt has affirmed the UK’s belief that the Mail is the fount of all that is good and right in this world and we are privileged to receive its wisdom.
Susan Traherne of Lewes said: “I’m deeply ashamed of myself, but for a moment I felt doubt.
“I doubted that the Mail had all its stories from legitimate sources. I fell for the lies of low-lives like the Duke of Sussex, Sir Simon Hughes and Baroness Doreen Lawrence. I believed the testimony of a private investigator who later confessed he made it up for a laugh.
“How wrong I was. I now realise, following this wise verdict, the Mail is, and has always been, the moral arbiter of the nation and could never do anything wrong. I owe it an apology. The whole of Britain owes it an apology.”
Former Mail editor Paul Dacre said: “With this judgement, the Daily Mail officially becomes the country’s conscience. If you try to hide any aspect of your life from us that’s evidence of your guilt. Your struggle is finished. You love the Daily Mail.”
Prince Harry said: “I don’t think I’m coming to Britain again.”
Frail 93-year-old encouraged to ‘make the most of the heatwave’
A GREAT-GRANDMOTHER is being coaxed by her family to enjoy the wonderful sunshine of the next few days while it, and she, lasts.
Margaret Gerving of Royal Tunbridge Wells, who lives alone in a £900k four-bedroom house, has been told by granddaughter Rachel to ‘get out there and catch some rays’ because ‘after all, life is for the living’.
35-year-old mother-of-two and renter Rachel said: “I just hate to think of granny cooped up all alone in that big old house, with original cornicing and bay windows, when she could be outside.
“Although she made a great recovery from that hip fracture last month, her bone density is a real concern for me and there’s no better way to boost that vitamin D than sunlight. She should spend the day out there, unconcerned about sunstroke or dizziness.
“She worries about the neighbours seeing her sunbathing but there’s no chance, not through the orchard and ample wisteria cover round the back which would be a perfect spot for a wood-fired pizza oven. Nobody would see her for days.
“It just breaks my heart to think of granny not enjoying the sundeck on such a lovely day in such a great catchment area. While she can.”
Margaret Gerving said: “I shall be staying indoors with all the curtains and windows closed. Not because it’s good heatwave advice, but because I’m watching Bargain Hunt.”
I have bravely put my future in the hands of twats who love me. By Nigel Farage
COULD there be anything more heroic than seeking re-election in a constituency where I will almost certainly win? No, and that is why all criticism of me must stop.
I will be judged by the British public, or rather the 96.1 per cent white, 64 per cent below the poverty line, 30 per cent aged over 65 demographic of Clacton. And frankly I like those odds.
Yes, I was an unassailable 8,000 votes ahead of the runner-up at the last election, but anything could happen. Especially as I am standing with no opponents which only makes my valour more stark.
I have been forced to act by the liberal establishment, who have been mercilessly persecuting me by saying I have to declare donations in accordance with ‘the rules’. Are other MPs subjected to this sort of cruel and vindictive witch hunt? No. Don’t Google that.
The truth is I never see a penny of donations because it is all spent immediately on personal security. Sadly my quest to free Britain from the EU has made me many enemies. Can you imagine what it’s like living in fear of Led By Donkeys mocking you?
But perhaps the worst aspect of the whole thing is that it’s over a silly little £5 million donation from a cryptocurrency billionaire. Not a bribe but simply a gift for my tireless Brexit campaigning given to me a decade after the event, as gifts often are.
So I’m fighting back. After this election, when an interviewer asks me about donations I will simply shout: ‘THE LIBERAL ESTABLISHMENT WON’T ACCEPT MY MANDATE FROM THE BRITISH PEOPLE!’ Perhaps as many as 20 times in one interview.
I know the good people of Clacton-on-Sea will not be told what to do by the establishment and will re-elect me without hesitation. All I can say to those fair-minded patriots is thank you, and have you considered investing in gold and crypto?
The Poke
The Turkish president appeared to guide Donald Trump by hand during his NATO visit and these 17 replies demand a new cognitive test
Donald Trump flew across the world to attend a NATO summit in Turkey this week. It seems the jet lag kicked in immediately. The President came down onto the tarmac to meet Turkish President, Recep Tayyip Erdoğan, and that’s when things appeared to get interesting. Erdogan clutches a wandering Trump’s arm to guide him around […]
The Poke.
Donald Trump claimed he’s the most popular person ‘on TikTak’ and the replies were swift and merciless
For most normal humans, there are just some things that aren’t worth lying about. Donald Trump, we can surely all agree on, is not a normal human being. Which is probably why the President of the United States, currently running a nation into the ground, took time out of his schedule to make up a […]
The Poke.
Rachel Reeves just gave Nigel Farage what he wanted but the derisive way she did it is a delicious taste of the mockery to come
Nigel Farage has been granted his wish by chancellor Rachel Reeves and allowed to stand down as Clacton’s MP so he can … stand in the subsequent by-election to be MP for Clacton. It’s part of the way the Commons does things that only the chancellor can do this, and because MPs are technically not […]
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Reform UK-er Laila Cunningham was so brutally owned on LBC over Nigel ‘£5m’ Farage’s by-election stunt it was absolutely magnificent
Spare a thought – only kidding – for Reform UK-er and London mayoral hopeful Laila Cunningham who went on to LBC to insist that, no, Nigel Farage’s byelection stunt wasn’t just a totally narcissistic publicity stunt designed to distract attention from the rising tide of sleaze around Reform UK HQ. Except it didn’t turn out […]
The Poke.
‘What’s something you thought would be life-changing but turned out to be completely overrated?’ – 21 major let downs
If you’ve ever watched one of those documentaries about someone who wins millions on the lottery and it completely ruins their life, you’ll know that having your dreams come true isn’t always a good thing. They’ve been chatting about the dangers of getting everything you’ve ever wanted on the AskReddit page after luluwildx asked this: […]
The Poke.
