Eli Roth Admits Most Of ‘Ice Cream Man’ Not Made Using AI

LOS ANGELES—In an apology to the artistic community, director Eli Roth admitted Monday that most of horror film Ice Cream Man was not made using AI. “I know this is a disappointment to many of my friends and fellow filmmakers, but this film was largely made using humans,” said Roth, who confirmed what many viewers had wondered after the trailer for his new movie appeared to show several shots not made with the use of generative AI. “I know this won’t be popular, but I came up with the idea for ice cream that turns children into homicidal maniacs all on my own and wrote the script as a pastiche of classic slasher films and recent horror hits without the assistance of an LLM. I’m sure this is tough to hear for a lot of artists, but the truth is that what you see on screen in Ice Cream Man is almost entirely created by humans.” Roth went on to specifically apologize to the effects artists who had lost out on job opportunities after having their names associated with the film. The Onion.

Tips For Starting Your Own Business

Experts say becoming an entrepreneur is possible with the right combination of capital, networking, knowledge, and mentorship. The Onion shares tips for starting your own business. Figure out what people want, and taint it with AI. Ensure you have enough savings to survive for the six days until you give up. Make a detailed business plan that covers at least two sides of a napkin. Have your parents start a wildly successful business first. Identify a donut-based problem or need in your community. People like dogs, right? So…maybe something with dogs? Add your company name to the Shaq celebrity endorsement sign-up sheet. Try your luck in the New World, where gold piles up in the gutters when the washerwomen tire of it. The Onion.

Iranian Cyberattacks Target U.S. Water Systems

The FBI has found at least a dozen instances of Iranian hackers targeting municipal water systems, including the networks that control valves and water pressure. What do you think? “Huh. My water doesn’t taste more Iranian than usual.” Sal Quintero, Slide Whistler “Won’t anyone think of the data centers?” Faye Sheridan, Tissue Boxer “This is why I drink urine. They can’t hack your bladder.” Gabriel Van Ness, Piglet Weigher The Onion.

Dept. Of Interior Grills Up Nation’s Remaining Endangered Species

WASHINGTON—With fragrant smoke wafting down Pennsylvania Avenue as a line of administration officials and VIPs stretched around the block, sources reported Saturday that leadership at the U.S. Department of the Interior had begun grilling up the nation’s last remaining endangered species. “Whooping crane’s served!” said an apron-clad Interior Secretary Doug Burgum, who manned multiple grills on the new patio in the White House Rose Garden and was seen struggling to flip the vanishing bird’s three-foot-long wings with a set of tongs. “Hoo boy, that’s looking good. Get ’em while you still can, people! I’m about to throw some woodland caribou on there, too. Oh, and the jaguars! You won’t find these anywhere else in the whole country. Just tell me how you want yours cooked. You know how it is—some folks like their jaguar well-done, others like it still roaring.” “Ah shoot, that was the last one of those,” Burgum added as he fumbled a juicy thigh from the world’s only remaining Laysan duck and it fell in the dirt at his feet. “Well, I suppose I can still make some kabobs from that ivory-billed woodpecker we found.”    Guests said they “couldn’t get enough” of the now-extinct Māui dolphin’s mouthwatering flipper meat. According to government sources, the weekend event was the culmination of an order issued by the president and carried out by U.S. Fish and Wildlife agents, who were deployed in all 50 states to hunt down every animal and plant covered by the Endangered Species Act and take steps to preserve the “texture and flavor of any such specimens.” The so-called “kill and brine” mission has seen over 1,600 of the nation’s most at-risk wildlife species butchered, seasoned, and smoked on thousands of barbecue pits dispatched by the Interior Department to nature preserves across America. At the event in Washington, Fish and Wildlife Service director Brian Nesvik stood alongside Sen. Cynthia Lummis of Wyoming and Homeland Security Secretary Markwayne Mullin, who watched as the world’s last 50 or so Māui dolphins rotated on their spits, slowly roasting at 225 degrees until they were fall-off-the-bone tender. “I came back for seconds of the red wolf, but those are all gone, unfortunately,” said Nesvik, who showed reporters the homemade spice mix he brought to use as a dry rub for barbecuing Hawaiian monk seal. “Might have to try me some Sonoran pronghorn while I still have a chance. [Supreme Court Justice Brett] Kavanaugh told me it’s great if you put a little mango habanero glaze on there. I gave him a little taste of the black-footed ferret off my plate—that stuff was nice and moist and had an interesting tang to it.” “Honestly, the best part of this cookout has been chowing down on species I’ve never even heard of,” Nesvik continued. “Who knew Gulf Coast jaguarundi was so good?” Eyewitness accounts indicated not all dishes were equally popular. EPA administrator Lee Zeldin was seen fighting with Agriculture Secretary Brooke Rollins over a plate of ribs from the last surviving southern sea otter, such was the demand for its reportedly succulent flesh. Meanwhile, the scalloped hammerhead sharks—which attendees agreed looked impressive with apples in their mouths and on silver platters borrowed from the White House—were deemed bland and “too fishy,” causing several hundred pounds of half-eaten carcasses to be thrown away. “This smalltooth sawfish tastes like ass,” said barbecue guest and ExxonMobil CEO Darren Woods, who also complained that the last hawksbill sea turtle should have been served “with perfect sear marks” instead of in the thin, watery soup that failed to satisfy his appetite. “Thank God they’ve got that Rice’s whale searing over the charcoal, or I’d go hungry. I mean, the Utah prairie dog they offered was so emaciated you could barely sink your teeth into it. And the vegetarian options are a joke. I don’t even know why they bothered with this slimy ghost orchid risotto.” The Onion.

Sex Talk Devolves Into Dad Rambling About Bo Jackson

NAPERVILLE, IL—Veering from the intended subject matter just seconds into their conversation, local father Andrew Parker’s effort to sit his son down for a sex talk quickly devolved into a rambling diatribe about all-star two-sport athlete Bo Jackson, sources confirmed Thursday. “Well, Caleb, sometimes two people love each other very much, just like Bo Jackson loved baseball and football—and he had the talent, not to mention the drive, to dominate in both, because the man was a once-in-a-century physical freak,” Parker told his 11-year-old son during their three-minute-long chat, making a brief, unclarified reference to “intimate feelings” before running down Jackson’s rushing statistics during his Heisman Trophy–winning season at Auburn University. “We’re talking about a guy who could swat aside 230-pound linebackers like they were gnats, and then step up to the plate and face down Nolan Ryan. I mean, he was hitting for average, hitting for power, and good fucking luck throwing him out on the base paths when he had the jump on you! He was a phenom, and it still makes me sick to think about what he could have accomplished if he hadn’t hurt his hip. That’s why it’s important to be careful with your health, in lots of different ways. Anyway, I should go see if Mom needs help with dinner.” Parker reportedly concluded the talk by telling his son he was always there for him if he had any other questions about Bo Jackson. The Onion.

Cute: 5-Year-Old White Girl Dreams Of One Day Getting Beaten Up In The WNBA

TERRE HAUTE, IN — In a wholesome display of innocence, a five-year-old white girl reportedly told her parents how she dreamed of one day growing up to get beaten up in the WNBA.

Report: White People Completely Unaffected By Jalapeño Recall

U.S. — A new report confirmed that white people remained totally unaffected after a massive recall was issued across the U.S. for contaminated jalapeños.

Inspired By AOC, James Talarico Also Elects To Have His Eggs Frozen

AUSTIN, TX — Senate candidate James Talarico announced on Monday morning that he would be following in the inspiring footsteps of Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez and electing to have his eggs frozen.

Bigotry Rears Ugly Head As WNBA Refuses To Allow This Stunning, Beautiful Woman Into League

U.S. — In a disgusting act of appalling bigotry, the WNBA is refusing to allow a stunning, beautiful woman into the league on the grounds that she is actually a biological male.

5 Reasons To Love Summer (NO AI)

We are proud to announce that no AI was used whatsoever when writing this list of reasons to love summer. 1. It’s hot out. Normally before writing, we’d Google this topic to see what other people have said to make sure we’re adding something new to the conversation. However, it’s pretty hard to avoid Google’s AI overview these days, and we don’t want that to influence what we write, so we’re just going with our first thoughts on this list, which is that summer is hot, which is why summer is great. Don’t like it? Kiss our perfectly ethical rumps! 2. There’s sunshine! When summer’s here, you can finally shake off the winter blues and get out in the beaitiful sunshine! FYI, we messed up typing that, and “beaitiful” automatically corrected to the proper spelling of “beautiful.” Obviously spell-check and autocorrect type of stuff has been around for a while, but it definitely seems like it could be using AI to catch those mistakes, so because we’re not taking any chances we changed it right back to beaitiful. REMINDER: NO AI WAS USED HERE! 3. Did somebody say BEACH BALLS? Nobody did, but if they had, it would’ve been a human, because this list is 100-percent human generated. And beach balls are such an epic part of summer! They’re inflatable balls that you can play with at the pool or beach, and that makes us love summer. Honestly we doubt AI has ever even touched a beach ball. Not sure how that would even work! 4. You can reconnect with nature.  Summer isn’t a time to be in the house—it’s a time to reconnect with nature. And look, we know that sentence construction is extremely characteristic of AI, but we actually wrote it ourselves. And we’re not going to change our writing style because computers have co-opted it—we’re going to change it because we decide to do so. And we don’t. Got a problem? Kiss our ethical rumps once more! 5. Swimming.  Swimming is an amazing thing you can do in the summer, and you can still do it because AI hasn’t drained all the world’s water, or whatever is happening or going to happen with that. We didn’t contribute to that though, because this wasn’t written by a computer, but instead four humans who each make $32,500 a year. Now get outside and enjoy the weather! Happy summer!

Fuck Yeah: Hanukkah In June

No fucking way we’re waiting until December. Hanukkah is now in June, baby! It’s Hanukkah in June! Light the menorah, don your swimsuit, and get ready to celebrate eight days of summertime fun! When the weather gets warm, it’s time for Hanukkah! We’re going to spin dreidels while kicking back poolside! Throw some latkes on the BBQ! There’s plenty of Manischewitz in the cooler! Leave your parka in storage, friend! It’s Hanukkah in June! Uh-oh, looks like the rabbi got a sunburn! Hey, rebbe, slap some SPF 50 on there before you sizzle like a sufganiyah! Nice, a reggae band is here to play “Ma’oz Tzur”! Hanukat hamizbe’ah, compadres! Light some fireworks with the shamash! Badass! Wooooooo! Hanukkah in June! We’re never fuckin’ going back!

Innovative: ‘The New York Times’ Has Announced Their Subscriptions Will Now Be Billed On A Sliding Scale Based On How Likely Someone Is To Remember That They’re Still Being Billed For ‘The New York Times’

As companies struggle to find profitable revenue models in the ever-changing digital landscape, one iconic journalistic entity is pursuing a novel and logical solution: The New York Times has announced their subscriptions will now be billed on a sliding scale based on how likely someone is to remember that they’re still being billed for the New York Times.  Hey, that’s actually pretty smart!  In an unassuming email sent out at 3 a.m. on a Sunday night (likely in the hopes that many subscribers would never open it), The New York Times quietly announced that access to The New York Times will now be billed on a sliding scale, ranging from $0.32 to $23,000 a month depending on how likely the subscriber is to remember that they’re paying for it.  If you’ve ever tried to cancel your New York Times subscription only to be offered a much lower rate to continue, you know these subscription fees were already quite malleable, but this new model takes their seemingly arbitrary pricing to the extreme. People who are hyper-aware they are paying for The New York Times—such as those who play Wordle first thing at 6 a.m. before they even get out of bed and those who frequently share NYT links to Facebook with the caption, “Great article in today’s Times!”— will receive the lowest rates to ensure they don’t cancel their subscriptions when they realize they can barely afford groceries or get demoted at work. People least likely to realize they’re still paying for The New York Times, such as old people with dementia, dead people, and people who have so many subscriptions that they just expect hundreds of dollars to leave their bank account monthly for reasons they can’t remember, will be completely gouged by subscription rates many multiples of their mortgage payments.  This is definitely an idea whose time has come.  Look, the days of getting a newspaper delivered to your porch and therefore having a constant reminder that you’re paying for The New York Times are over, so it’s time for the Times to fully exploit the fact that people don’t know what the fuck they’re paying for half the time. Hopefully this innovative pricing model allows The New York Times to survive another 175 years, even if it means your grandma is paying $8,000 a month for it despite not even knowing her username and password to log in to the site.

Refreshing Transparency: Trump’s Next Physical Will Be Performed In Front Of A Live Audience At Madison Square Garden

Under President Trump, government transparency is all but nonexistent. That’s what makes his administration’s latest decision so unexpectedly refreshing: Trump’s next physical will be performed in front of a live audience at Madison Square Garden.  Wow. Hey, if it takes indulging Trump’s penchant for showmanship to have a more honest and open executive office, we’ll take it! As the President enters his 80s with his health under greater scrutiny than ever, Trump is setting out to prove he’s of sound body and mind by undergoing a Presidential Physical live on stage, in the round, at Madison Square Garden. The MSG-hosted event was announced at a press conference this morning, where President Trump explained that Dr. Sean Barbarella, the current Physician to the President, will examine every inch of his body and test his mental acuity for the 20,000 spectators lucky enough to score a ticket—which sold out minutes after going on sale, with front-row seats priced at $1,000,000 each.  “You’re gonna see every inch of my body and brain on the MSG jumbotron, and you’re gonna say, ‘boy, that’s a healthy person, we saw it all, what an honest and transparent president Trump is,’ and it’ll be true, because it is true, and the proof will be right there in the World’s Most Famous Arena,” said President Trump, before boasting about his physical selling out MSG in minutes, when “President Biden’s Live Presidential Physical couldn’t even sell out Union Pool in Williamsburg,” an event that fact-checkers quickly proved never happened. “There will be an encore. A big one. We’re keeping it a surprise. It’s a dental check-up.” While Trump’s physical is the headliner event, the lineup also features an opening colonoscopy of Health Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr., an autism screening of RFK Jr. that will take place at the same time he’s getting the colonoscopy, and FBI Director Kash Patel reading the Wikipedia page for “Pap smear” at intermission. Say what you will about Trump, but this is a huge step towards repairing public trust in government.  No matter what the results of Trump’s physical exam are, Americans will get to see it with their own eyes, instead of taking Trump at his word. Props to the President for setting a new standard for government transparency!

Fucking Brutal: You Just Made A Joke While Out To Dinner, And The Table Next To You Cracked Up At The Same Time, And You Thought They Were Laughing At Your Great Joke So You Proudly Turned To Them, Which They Didn’t Notice Because They Weren’t Actually Laughing At You – Just Something They’d Said At The Same Time – But Everyone At Your Table Saw You Turn, So Now They Know You Thought Those People Were Laughing At You, Even Though No One At Your Own Table Was Laughing, Because Your Joke Wasn’t Actually All That Good

So Now Not Only Do The People At Your Own Table Think You’re Unfunny, They Also Probably Think You’re A Loser, Because They Saw The Big Smile On Your Face When You Thought The Other Table Was Cracking Up At What You Said, And You Could See The Pity In Their Eyes While You Realized What Was Really Happening, And God, It’s That Pity That Feels Worst Of All – Silence At A Joke You Can Handle, That’s Nothing, That’s Fine, But When Someone Looks At You With Eyes That Say “Aw, You Don’t Even Know You’re Pathetic” It’s Reason Enough To Get Up And Walk Into The Sea Or At Least A Big Lake Frankly Had The Other Table Actually Heard You, They Probably Would’ve Laughed, Because You Can Just Tell They Have A Better Vibe Than The People At Your Own Table Who Obviously Want To Hold You Back Or Limit Your Boundless Creativity Or Make You Feel Like A Stupid Baby Just For Trying To Entertain Them With Your Insights And Quips, And You Should Go Sit At The Other Table, They Have Better Style Than Your So-Called Friends And They’re Discussing Art, Which Isn’t Something You Know About, But It Would Be If You Surrounded Yourself With A Different Type Of Person Because That’s Another Thing, No One’s Cultured Anymore, Everyone’s Hobby Is Just Scrolling Through Bikini Photos Of Their Acquaintances, College Students Can’t Make It Through The Classics, Not That You Did Either, But Your Reason Was That You Didn’t Want To Read Them, Not That You Physically Couldn’t, And Society Is Backsliding Into An Oral Culture, Which Is Especially Bad For You Since No One Seems To Like What You Say, And Because You Don’t Even Have That Good Of A Memory (Really Just Because You’re Not A Good Listener) When Your Parents Die, You Won’t Remember Their Stories, And Only When It’s Too Late Will You Realize You Never Really Loved Anyone But Yourself But Maybe It’s Not Too Late, You’re Still Young After All, You Can Show Up For The People In Your Life, You Can Make Them Feel Seen, You Shouldn’t Wait For Your Them To Invite You To Dinner, In Fact, You Should Cook For Them, Have Them Over, Get Some Wine That’s Only Room Temperature If It Should Be, Really Clean Your Toilet, Make A Real Recipe Not Just Pasta With Whatever, And Listen, Really Listen, Because Honestly – Honestly – Your Joke Was Hilarious, Your Friends Just Didn’t Laugh At It Because They Needed To Teach You This Lesson, And Now That You’ve Learned It, You Can Say The Joke Again, Yes, Go On, Say It Again, Loud And Proud, Because You Are The Second Coming To Lisa Lampanelli, You Are A Brilliant Genius Who Loves Life And Life Loves You Back!

Army Reserve adopts 'Nothing we do today is more important than lunch' as new recruiting slogan

FORT BRAGG — U.S. Army Reserve Command today unveiled a new recruiting slogan after officials concluded their previous campaign had failed to resonate with younger Americans.Beginning next battle assembly, the Army Reserve will officially adopt “Nothing we do today is more important than lunch” as its new recruiting motto.“We tried ‘It’s Your Time,’” said Maj. Tyler Hooker of USARC’s advertising team. “It turns out Gen Z doesn’t believe anyone is handing them anything — not jobs, not houses, and definitely not free time.”According to Hooker, a market research study conducted over a single drill weekend found younger Americans were primarily interested in the Reserve as an opportunity to experience active duty without accidentally becoming active duty.“Well, shit,” recalled Col. Mark Bravo after reviewing the results. “That was basically the Army Reserve before Sept. 11.”The study also found that junior reservists ranked the primary benefits of service as wearing the uniform, accomplishing as little work as possible before 1130, and collecting a free lunch.“To be fair,” Bravo said, “that’s also a pretty accurate description of active duty.”Researchers noted there are plenty of civilian jobs where employees accomplish very little, but few provide free uniforms, government travel, and the possibility of spending three hours discussing a PowerPoint presentation over lunch at P.F. Chang’s or Twin Peaks.Hooker said the campaign’s breakthrough came midway through a briefing when Maj. John Boros interrupted the presentation.“Knock off all this briefing nonsense,” Boros reportedly said. “Let’s get down to business. Where are we eating lunch?”The room fell silent.“Then he looked around and said, ‘Nothing we do today is more important than lunch,’” Hooker recalled. “Colonel Bravo immediately stood up and yelled, ‘That’s it! Print the posters!’”Bravo defended the slogan as refreshingly honest.“We’re not saying we don’t accomplish important things,” he said. “We’re simply acknowledging that lunch consistently outranks all of them.”Bravo admitted leadership briefly considered bringing back the Army’s iconic “Be All You Can Be” campaign before deciding against it.“That slogan let people project whatever dream they wanted onto military service,” Bravo said. “Our new one tells them exactly what they’re getting.”At press time, the slogan rollout had been postponed because the working group assigned to finalize it was still out to lunch.🖊️SECDEF_Nice served in Army Civil Affairs and specialized in failing to influence populations and occasionally his own chain-of-command. Follow him at Foxhole Briefs, Twitter, Facebook, or Instagram.

Hegseth mistakes getting older for declining military standards

THE PENTAGON — Senior defense officials launched an internal review this week after discovering Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth’s repeated warnings about collapsing military fitness standards were based primarily on his own advancing age.According to multiple officials, concerns began after Hegseth repeatedly claimed the Army lowered its standards “every four or five years, usually around my birthday.”“After about the fifth time he said the force was getting softer, I finally asked him which standards he meant,” said one official. “Holy shit. Within five seconds, I realized this man had apparently never read an age-based scoring chart.”The official said Hegseth’s approach to physical fitness testing throughout his military career was remarkably consistent.“He would show up, ask what he needed to do to score 70 points, then leave before anyone explained why the number had changed,” the official said. “He genuinely thought the Army kept lowering the standard. Nobody had the heart to tell him he was just getting older.”Army Fitness Test standards divide soldiers into progressively older age groups, generally in five-year increments.“Every time he entered a new bracket, he interpreted it as another collapse in discipline,” the official said. “From his perspective, military readiness has been steadily declining since his twenties.”Officials reviewing Hegseth’s records said the pattern was unmistakable.When his run time allowance increased in his early 30s, he blamed President Barack Obama. When it increased again in his late 30s, he blamed [cliffhanger] diversity initiatives. After entering his most recent bracket, he ordered a department-wide review of the warrior ethos.Officials acknowledged that the military provides little formal instruction on reading fitness score tables but questioned whether any was necessary.“It's not the Rosetta Stone,” another official said. “The chart is about as complicated as breathing burn pit fumes.”According to the official, Hegseth initially mistook the age ranges for presidential approval ratings.“He pointed to ‘42-46’ and said, ‘See? Biden destroyed readiness,’” the official recalled. “We explained that was his age bracket. He accused us of making excuses.”Chief Pentagon Spokesman Sean Parnell declined to address whether Hegseth understood age-normed scoring.“I’m not going to get into hypothetical charts,” Parnell said. “The secretary remains focused on restoring the warrior ethos, increasing lethality, and ensuring America has the most physically capable fighting force on Earth.”Parnell abruptly ended the briefing when a reporter asked whether the most capable fighting force on Earth should also be capable of reading a PDF.At press time, Hegseth had ordered the Army to restore the physical fitness standards in effect when he was 23, calling them “the last objectively rigorous standards before the military began changing them specifically to embarrass me.”🖊️SECDEF_Nice served in Army Civil Affairs and specialized in failing to influence populations and occasionally his own chain-of-command. Follow him at Foxhole Briefs, Twitter, Facebook, or Instagram.

Duffel Blog’s Top 13 ideas for solving the Iran War

FREE EDITIONYou're reading the free version of Duffel Blog. Paid supporters get every story we publish, the Sunday Reader, our 4,200-article archive, and deep discounts in the Duffel PX. We are ad-free and reader-supported. THE PENTAGON — U.S. Central Command has called for help and America's Most-Trusted Military News Source, as usual, is here to provide it.After six months of war, a collapsed ceasefire, dwindling munitions, and no obvious path to victory, CENTCOM recently asked military analysts to submit “new creative and unconventional ways to pressure and punish Iran” and bring its leaders back to the negotiating table.This is reassuring because it confirms America’s most important military campaign has officially entered the portion of the group project where someone asks whether anyone has any ideas.Fortunately, Duffel Blog does. 1. Surrender Sure, it might look bad. But surrender would conserve critical munitions needed for the Pacific and allow sailors to reunite with loved ones at San Diego and Norfolk strip clubs, tattoo parlors, and divorce mediation offices. Just call it “charging to lethal victory in the opposite direction." 2. Move the goalposts Did you publicly announce goals that now appear more delusional than an E-1 looking for love at a strip club? Change them. Regime change becomes degrading capabilities. Degrading capabilities becomes sending a message. Sending a message becomes demonstrating resolve. Demonstrating resolve becomes “Iran definitely knows we’re upset.” Once the objective is vague enough, victory becomes inevitable. 3. Redefine everything Words have meaning until they become operationally inconvenient. A war is a ceasefire. A retreat is force protection. A failed offensive is strategic patience. Civilian casualties are emerging narrative challenges. Call the ayatollah after the next missile strike and ask what his problem is. When he says the countries are at war, respond, “That doesn’t sound like us. We campaigned on no new wars.” Follow up with proven diplomatic phrases such as “You're overreacting,” “That was obviously a joke,” and “After everything we’ve done for you?” 4. Turn the war off and back on again Ask the S-6 to shut down hostilities, wait 30 seconds, jiggle the regional power cable, and restart the conflict.If the war still does not work, submit a help ticket and receive a response within three to five strategic business days asking whether the issue has resolved itself. 5. Crowdsource the campaign on the War Thunder forums War Thunder players possess years of virtual combat experience and routinely demonstrate access to classified technical documents. They are therefore the only available population with both relevant expertise, the appropriate security clearances, and the absence of judgment required to post classified material where even the newest North Korean lieutenant can study it. 6. Air-drop three pigs into Tehran Paint the numbers 1, 2, and 4 on their sides before releasing them. While Iranian security forces search for Pig 3, seize Kharg Island, recover the enriched uranium, and leave before anyone realizes there were only three pigs. This is the sort of deception operation military planners used to develop before PowerPoint. 7. Send Jared Kushner back to negotiate The first ceasefire may not have lasted, but Iranian officials cannot possibly bear to sit through another meeting with Kushner. Lock him in a conference room with the Iranian delegation and... Paid subscriber dispatch The rest of this article is for paid members You’ve made it this far. Might as well finish the briefing. Continue reading → Also included with membership: Every Duffel Blog story The complete archive Exclusive newsletters and features The satisfaction of funding the only news outlet that has never once lied to you about anything

Americans begin thanking troops for future service

WASHINGTON — With U.S. forces once again exchanging strikes with Iran while officials continue insisting they are not seeking a wider war, Americans have begun thanking service members for their future service.The new greeting has spread rapidly through airports, gas stations, grocery stores, and chain restaurants near military installations.“Thanks for your future service,” said one cashier at Buc-ee's after ringing up an Army specialist's beef jerky, Zyn, and energy drinks. “You know... just in case.”Defense officials acknowledged the trend had become increasingly common.“We're not saying there will be another major deployment,” one Pentagon spokesman said. “We're just saying if there is, statistically speaking, it'll probably involve the same people buying Tornados at Love's Travel Stops today.”Military planners denied the United States was preparing for another prolonged conflict in the Middle East while quietly directing every airborne brigade to ensure all duffel bags remained “deployment ready indefinitely.”“We've had our gear packed for so long the compression straps have compression straps,” said Sgt. 1st Class Roberto Moreno of the 82nd Airborne Division. “At this point I don't even unpack. I just rotate socks.”Not everyone appreciated the new expression.Pfc. Kyle Whitford, who joined the Texas Army National Guard believing the wars were finally over, said the phrase had become increasingly unsettling.“I enlisted to help pay for college,” Whitford said. “Then the gas station lady thanked me for my future service, the cashier at Lowe's asked if I'd been issued desert boots yet, and my mom started introducing me as 'our next generation of combat veteran.'”

Pentagon limits combat casualties to normal business hours

ARLINGTON, Va. — The Pentagon announced Tuesday that U.S. combat casualties will now only be recognized during normal government business hours after officials determined that wars had become increasingly difficult to manage across multiple spreadsheets.The new guidance follows the Department of Defense decision to remove four soldiers killed during renewed fighting with Iran from Operation Epic Fury’s official casualty count and place them under a separate category titled “Overseas Operations.”Officials defended the move by noting the four soldiers were killed after Operation Epic Fury had officially ended, despite being killed by the same enemy, in the same region, during the same war military officials continue to describe as a ceasefire that, nevertheless, still involves a substantial amount of fire.“Americans deserve accurate reporting,” Chief Pentagon Spokesman Sean Parnell said. “That’s why we’re aligning casualty reporting with established federal business practices.”Effective immediately, personnel killed between 9 a.m. and 5 p.m. Eastern time, Monday through Friday, excluding federal holidays, will remain eligible for classification as killed in action.Deaths occurring outside that window will receive “the operational designation most appropriate for the department’s current messaging needs.”“These brave Americans still died serving their country,” Parnell said. “We’re simply enhancing transparency by ensuring every death is assigned to the correct spreadsheet.”Under the revised guidance, weekend deaths will be classified as Hostile Workplace Incidents, while fatalities during ceasefires will be categorized as Ceasefire-Adjacent Workplace Violence pending review by the Office of Strategic Narrative Alignment.Additional categories include:Operational Pause MishapFederal Holiday Kinetic OccurrencePatriotism After HoursAdministrative KIAPending Timecard ApprovalThe policy has reportedly left casualty assistance officers struggling to explain the distinctions to grieving families.“My husband was killed when an Iranian missile hit his base,” said Melissa Carter, whose husband, an Army captain, died in Jordan. “The casualty officer told me he wasn’t killed during the operation because the operation had already transitioned into an overseas administrative posture.”“Am I still allowed to tell people he was killed in action, or was it technically workplace violence?”One Gold Star father said the government had provided his family with four different descriptions of his son’s death.“The death certificate says hostile action,” he said. “The chaplain says he made the ultimate sacrifice. The Pentagon database says ‘Overseas Operations.’ Public affairs says he was lost during a period of enhanced operational restraint.”“I just need to know what to tell my grandson.”At Arlington National Cemetery, workers reportedly spent Tuesday marking graves with sticky notes reading “Pending Reclassification.”Officials said the cemetery had also been ordered to disinter service members whose deaths no longer qualified as part of Operation Epic Fury and temporarily relocate them to a new section designated “Other Overseas Administrative Events.”The Army Corps of Engineers briefly considered attaching stickers to the affected headstones reading “Not Counted During Initial Operational Phase,” but abandoned the proposal after lawyers warned it could produce “unhelpful optics.”Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth insisted the department remained committed to honoring every American who serves.“No one is hiding casualties,” Hegseth said. “We’re organizing them into categories that better reflect operational realities, statutory authorities, and whole-of-government messaging.”Officials said the Pentagon is also asking adversaries to conduct future attacks during standard federal business hours whenever operationally feasible.“It significantly reduces the administrative burden,” one official said. “Plus, anything after 5 qualifies for overtime.”At press time, Pentagon planners were determining whether troops wounded after normal business hours should seek medical attention immediately or simply clock back in the following morning.

Water companies concerned at lack of rivers to pump shit into

Five sex positions that mean your relationship is dead

THE relationship is deceased even if the bedroom lurches on like a drooling zombie hungry for flesh. If you’re doing these end it, or at least cheat:  Bi-annual missionary There’s nothing wrong with missionary. A bit vanilla, perhaps, but classic for a reason, the ‘GoldenEye is the best Bond film’ of sex. If it becomes your only position, done begrudgingly twice a year, after a few drinks, in the dark while thinking of other people, then it’s a problem. Suggest opening the relationship? ‘He’s popped out’ handjob Hand relief from your other half might seem like a throwback to early sexual experiences, but it still feels good. Hand relief from yourself while pretending it’s your other half? Feels like something of a sexual cul-de-sac. It might be time to admit, while overwhelmed by the shame of the clean-up operation, this isn’t working. Scrolling-on-phone doggy When both in the moment, frantically rutting like dogs isn’t as degrading as it sounds. It’s only cause for worry if both of you think ‘well, he-she isn’t paying close attention, I’ll just check my notifications’. Hands should be used for boob/arse grabbing, or spanking if she’s into that. Your phone will still be there when you’re finished six-and-a-half minutes later. Cowgirl with someone else Cowgirl is fun and adventurous, but doing it in a Holiday Inn with someone who isn’t your partner is a massive red flag. You likely booked your room last minute, missing out on online price reductions, and are so caught up in the moment you’ll have a lager from the extortionate mini-bar. Oh, and there’s the physical, emotional betrayal yadda yadda. Pornhub humping Not humping in the style of porn stars on adult websites, but the much more literal act of trying to shag your laptop or home PC with the Pornhub page loaded. Your partner would rightly dump you on the spot if they caught you doing this, while also realising why you haven’t initiated since your 2022 holiday to Corfu.

Not putting a divider on the conveyor belt at Tesco: the next nine tiny crimes Burnham is focusing his government on

AFTER subscription renewals and fake sales, Andy Burnham has outlined the next nine minor rip-offs his government is directing its efforts to stopping:  Failing to place a divider on a supermarket conveyor belt Leaving the divider on the side is an attempt to con the next person alone into paying for your shopping that ensnares dozens every decade. Primary legislation is already being drafted. Those car parks where you didn’t notice it was free on Sundays Nothing irks Britain more than paying for two hours’ parking, getting the ticket and realising you’ve paid to park from 8am-10am Monday because it’s free on Sunday. If we can fix this, we can fix the country. Pubs requesting a tip when you pay by card Why should anyone feel guilted into giving a barman a 10 to 40 per cent tip for pouring two two lagers? Is this not the very basis of his job? And who trusts him not to press ‘40 per cent’ himself when you’re already pissed? Amazon Prime listing films you have to pay for alongside free films How many times has decent, hard-working Britain cried ‘Great, it’s on Amazon’ without noticing the tell-tale yellow icon in the lower right meaning it will cost £5.99 to buy? No wonder Reform are high in the polls. Those card machines that charge £1.50 for a withdrawal Less of an issue now everything’s cashless, but they still lurk at the back of convenience shops, ready to fleece those unfortunates who suddenly need money for an unexpected late-night high-value cash-only transaction. And are the very backbone of Britain. Toilet attendants in nightclubs Not necessary, as demonstrated by most toilets not employing them. Nonetheless users of the facilities feel guilted into dropping a few coins into their plate, then wake up in the morning feeling irritated and blame the health secretary. Some pairs of 34-waist jeans being decidedly tighter than other pairs of 34-waist jeans There is no standard sizing in this country, so tens of thousands have bought jeans which fit badly and still lurk in the wardrobe, engendering resentment. Resentment which is then expressed at the polls. Cinema snacks There is no earthly way popcorn and a watery Pepsi should cost that much. Ordinary Britons are forced to smuggle in supermarket snacks, and once they become lawbreakers it’s hard to come back. Shoplifting will inevitably follow. Having to pay £14.99 to watch the Tommy Fury-Eddie Hall fight just to find out Molly-Mae had named her newborn baby Midas Unacceptable, and directly responsible for the rise of the far-right. Ban will lead the next King’s Speech.

Brunettes over blondes and bums over boobs: six preferences that make men sexual intellectuals

MEN who favour Anne Hathaway over Sydney Sweeney are the great sexual thinkers of their time. Follow these precepts and you can become the Einstein of being horny:  Brunettes over blondes Blondes have more fun, and isn’t that childish and selfish in this current historical moment of populist dictators and climate change? Brunettes, conversely, are the aesthete’s choice and can be trusted to balance the books at home. Choosing to bone a brown-haired bird proves you are a man of depth and sober judgement. Bums over boobs Boobs are obvious – they’re right there, front and centre, demanding attention from the weak-minded. A man who gives his sexual peccadillos a little thought has recognised that the bum is closer to the genitalia and is, therefore, is a more coherent and worthy sexual option. Small boobs over big boobs If you do have thoughts about breasts, simply from fair-mindedness, you have concluded that small but perfectly formed beats oversized beach balls. Clearly some men still haven’t moved on from Page 3, but as a broadsheet reader you never dabbled in that nonsense anyway and only leafed through Nuts for anthropological reasons. Athletic over thin Then there are those men, the model-fanciers, ignorantly demanding women slim down to size eight for their own satisfaction. You deplore them. A truly wise man notes that good cardiovascular fitness and muscle tone allows for better performance in the bedroom, and it’s better for her long-term health. Wearing glasses As a heavyweight intellectual yourself, having read all 1,325 pages of Stephen King’s The Stand, you would never begrudge a woman looking bookish. As long as she’s still very, very pretty. And contact lenses are far harder to incorporate into sexy librarian fantasies anyway. Minimal make-up over a full face Your knuckle-dragging Neanderthal, with his 2:2 degree from a former polytechnic, is after a woman who wears false eyelashes to the supermarket. You, meanwhile, as a man with a three-figure IQ, recognise that light make-up makes it clearer what her face looks like. Not no make-up though. You’re not an idiot.

Lovably flawed 38-year-old career man refuses to be pressured into marriage

A QUIRKY, independent 38-year-old man believes he is too focused on his job and his happiness to give in to the pressure to marry.  Tom Logan, who changes his hair colour monthly, is tired of outdated social expectations suggesting a man’s worth should be measured by a wedding rather than personal growth, professional milestones and being just delightfully kooky. Logan said: “For too long, men have been taught their ultimate goal is a wife. Why can’t I just focus on myself rather than be defined by who I’m with?” “When a girl’s friends are slating me because we’ve been dating four years and I won’t talk co-habitation, I remind them I’m a feisty, confident man who isn’t just here to allow her to achieve life goals. “Everyone – by which I mean women – are always asking ‘When are you going to settle down?’ or ‘Why didn’t you text me after sex?’ Never ‘Did you get that promotion?’ or ‘How’s your collage art project going?’ As if a man’s life is secondary. “There’s no deadline, I won’t suddenly become invisible when I turn 40. I can freeze my sperm, I can get Botox, and if having a carefree love life gets me called a slut, then fine – because I reject labels. Especially ‘girlfriend’ and ‘monogamy’.” He added: “I don’t know who my forever person is. But, you know what, she probably isn’t even born yet”, before taking a Polaroid and rollerskating away.

A pilot used their flight path to draw a bin off the coast of Clacton, and won the unofficial by-election campaign originality award

It’s three days to the Clacton by-election, at the time of writing, and it’s all go on the campaign front. Frontrunner Nigel Farage has just launched Reform’s new policy, promising to send overseas-born prisoners to jails in El Salvador, which is hardly a surprise from the Trump wannabe. Nigel Farage says Reform will send foreign-born […] The Poke.

Fox News came for Zohran Mamdani because he code switches, and it said so much more about them than it did about him

The New York City Mayor, Zohran Mamdani, was born in Uganda to parents of Indian heritage, moved to Capetown when he was five, then to New York when he was seven. A recently surfaced clip of Mamdani talking to a South African radio station gave a small hint as to what that can do to […] The Poke.

A bigot called into LBC from the 1950s to say Wes Streeting shouldn’t be the Defence Secretary because he’s gay, if you were wondering why Pride is still needed

You don’t have to be a card-carrying member of the Wes Streeting Fan Club, or even to think he’s well suited to the position of Secretary of State for Defence, to recognise that this LBC listener has rocked up with attitudes that are so out of date they’ll probably be written into the next Restore […] The Poke.

Talk TV’s Alex Phillips had a hysterical rant over Andy Burnham’s campaign image, and got ‘dragged’ from Manchester to London – 17 favourite clapbacks

In case you hadn’t spotted it, in the background of this clip is the portrait of Andy Burnham made by Manchester artist Stanley Chow, which the new PM used on his campaign literature in the Makerfield by-election. Just finished a three-hour discussion with 50-60 undecided voters covering everything from cost-of-living and immigration to Wigan Roller […] The Poke.

An ‘investor’ on Twitter has offered a ‘simple’ solution for people who are struggling with rising food costs, but it didn’t go down well at all

We’ve surely all but the very richest of us noticed the rising costs of our supermarket shops over recent years, and it’s definitely not an illusion. According to data from the Office for National Statistics (ONS), overall food and non-alcoholic drink prices have increased by roughly 30% to 38% compared to five years ago. But, […] The Poke.