A bipartisan group of Oregon lawmakers approved $2.1 million to buy the 92-foot-tall Abiqua Falls after it was put up for sale on Redifin, the previous Benedictine monk owners having put the natural wonder on the market earlier this year. What do you think?

“Pretty high price for a used waterfall.”

Alvaro Peña, Blog Consultant

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“$2.1 million for only 92 feet?!”

Ester Cornett, Noise Analyst

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“They’ll probably just turn it into an Airbnb.”

Raymond Uttley, Unemployed

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NEW YORK—Pulling the plug on the religion in light of a newly released video featuring church member Taylor Frankie Paul, ABC announced Friday it was canceling Mormonism. “After reviewing this disturbing footage, we have made the decision not to move forward with the Mormon faith,” read a statement from parent company Disney Entertainment Television that shocked fans of the long-running Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. “We understand this last-minute decision may throw a wrench into your Sunday plans. However, our focus is on supporting authorities in their investigation of this church.” At press time, ABC confirmed Mormonism would be temporarily replaced with Shakerism.

The post ABC Cancels Mormonism appeared first on The Onion.

The post American Baked Potato Association Study Finds It Best To Load ’Er Up appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON—Determined to help their father bring down high prices by single-handedly boosting the nation’s fuel supply, a dirt-covered Eric Trump and Donald Trump Jr. reportedly attempted Friday to siphon gasoline from the ground. “I’m gonna slurp some gas out of this hole, and then while I’m spitting the gas into the bucket, you slurp up some of your own,” said Donald Jr., who, as he positioned himself facedown in a shallow trench dug into the White House South Lawn, asserted that this back-and-forth rotation system would set off “a real gusher” after just a few mouthfuls of suction. “You just gotta be careful, because once we get this thing going, the gas is gonna shoot out with a ton of pressure. If you swallow too much of it, you have to barf it out immediately, okay? And then, after Dad takes what he needs to help the economy, you and I can start filling these empty two-liter bottles so he’ll have backup gas if he ever needs it.” At press time, sources reported that Eric Trump was unconscious after forgetting to breathe for five minutes straight with his face in the mud.

The post Dirt-Covered Trump Boys Attempt To Siphon Gas From Ground appeared first on The Onion.

MILPITAS, CA—After gradually resigning himself to an evening entirely devoid of physical intimacy, local man Seth Martin observed Friday that his third date with Hinge match Laura Parker was apparently just going to be watching Amélie without any hugs or kisses. “We’re an hour into the movie and Laura hasn’t so much as held my hand or pecked me on the cheek,” Martin told reporters, noting that Parker had sat down at the other end of the couch in which he was sitting. “I’ve tried making eye contact with her at multiple points, but her eyes are firmly glued to the screen. It’s like she doesn’t even notice I’m here. I thought that during the movie’s more emotional moments, like when Amélie returned that guy’s box to him, Laura would come over to my side of the couch and maybe rest her head on my shoulder, but no dice. I guess I’m just going to be watching Amélie skip stones or whatever until it’s time for me to leave.” At press time, Martin had reportedly let himself out of Parker’s apartment after she fell asleep during Amélie’s love scene with romantic interest Nino Quincampoix.

The post Third Date Apparently Just Going To Be Watching ‘Amélie’ Without Any Hugs Or Kisses appeared first on The Onion.

Action hero and martial arts master Chuck Norris has departed from this world to fight supernatural forces in the place beyond space. As we look back upon his life, each of us should honor his memory in the best way we can.

U.S. — Following an extensive study that involved gathering information from all internet users, influencers, and podcasters, it has been officially confirmed that, in his final moments, Charlie Kirk affirmed whatever you believe.

SACRAMENTO, CA — California's $250 billion study looking into why it has so many unfinished projects was abandoned while only half-finished, the governor's office confirmed Friday.

SEATTLE, WA — According to sources, local man Richard Stevenson prefers to take his coffee cold and with milk like a little baby.

NOTRE DAME, IN — After a thought-provoking roundtable discussion, theologians at the University of Notre Dame concluded that every meal in Heaven is most likely ice cream in a miniature baseball helmet.

If you’ve always dreaded being on jury duty because you were worried your judge wouldn’t be able to easily remove your tampon for you from his bench, you’re in luck: Tampax has introduced a tampon with a string long enough for them to do just that! 

Did somebody say GAME CHANGER?!

Tampax’s new Jury Duty line solves a problem that has plagued women since they were universally allowed to sit on juries in 1973: that way-too-short string that makes it practically impossible for the judge to tug your tampon out from all the way up at the bench. Tampax’s new Jury Duty tamps come in 40-foot, 70-foot, and 130-foot string options to choose from depending on the size of your courtroom, each with plenty of slack for the judge to really wrap that puppy around their hand and give that bad boy a yank and send it on its way. 

And they aren’t just for judges either! These strings are long enough that the bailiff, the stenographer, or even the defendant can take your tampon out for you so you can continue to focus on providing a fair trial.

Yep. All it’s going to take to get your tampon removed now during jury duty is a knowing nod and a clear path between you and the judge. This is so, so nice. 

This is one of those products that, when it comes out, you’re shocked that no one thought of it before. There’s almost no reason to buy standard, run-of-the-mill tampons anymore. Sign us up for a Costco bulk box of the 130-foot string version, please!

If your friends live like pigs but are awesome to hang out with, we’ve got great news for you: Hanes has released a line of socks that are already covered in dog hair and little pieces of cereal that you can wear to your friend’s lowkey disgusting house.

Awesome! 

A true tragedy of modern life is that the people who are the most fun to chill with often live like slobs, and so, whenever you’re hanging at their place, your socks get immediately covered with all sorts of crap that barely even comes off when you wash them.  Fortunately, with Disgustings by Hanes, the company’s newest line of socks, you’ll never have to worry about ruining your clean socks ever again, because the socks will come pre-littered with strands of dog hair, gross little burnt crumbs from indecipherable foods, and little pieces of torn paper and envelopes (probably from unpaid bills).

“It’s never made any sense to us why people whose homes are full of trash insist you have to take off your shoes when you visit their house, and yet, that’s just what they do, even though it destroys your nice socks in the process,” said Hanes in a press release. “With our new Disgusting line, you’ll never have to waste time cleaning vague gunk from your tube socks, because your tube socks were already covered in gunk to begin with.”

So much yes!

Shout out to Hanes for seriously changing the game with this one. Tag your disgusting friend below to let them know you’ll be wearing these socks to their house soon!

There’s toxic masculinity, and then there’s this: 

This man’s body has a penis and testicles hanging right off of it. 

This is NOT a good look. 

Devin Reed of Cambridge, Massachusetts might as well be waving a flag that says “I’M TOXIC” on it, because he’s got a penis and testicles that are dangling right down off of his body in the place between his legs where his vagina or small patch of nothing is supposed to be. 

When he’s in public, he tries to hide them with underwear. He tries to hide them with pants. He puts a towel in his lap whenever he gets an erection. 

But none of those things can hide the truth. 

He’s got a penis, and he’s got testicles, and they are DIRECTLY attached to his body, which makes it pretty clear he doesn’t see any problem with having them.

And they are ALWAYS flopping around. 

This man has a wrinkly, hairy scrotum that is FILLED with two egg-sized testicles and a penis, glans and all, draped down over them. We can only imagine what kind of SPERM, URINE, and other toxic male chemicals and waste products are inside of these awful organs. 

YUCK. 

There is simply no room for this kind of thing in today’s society. Full stop. 

But do you want to know the worst part?

There are men (and even women) out there who will applaud this. Celebrate it. Admire it. Young boys will see these penis and testicles and think, “I want those hanging off my body too.” Toxic masculinity is like a virus, and once you’ve got the bug, things like having a penis and testicles RIGHT THERE BETWEEN YOUR LEGS become normalized. 

It’s the media. It’s our culture. It’s pornography. It’s anatomy textbooks. 

But no matter how much you’ve been conditioned, remember: This is NOT normal. 

And this is not OK.

This is amazing: PornHub has just introduced a new feature that will alert a random convenience store cashier in the US anytime you access PornHub. This is going to make the experience of using porn a lot more like it was in the 1980s, when you had to buy your porn from whoever was working behind the register at 7/11. Will this new hurdle help people fight porn addiction, or are you going to keep using PornHub just as much as before? Sound off in the comments!

WASHINGTON — The Department of War is still struggling to explain what is happening with Iran while refusing to use what officials call “the ‘W’ word,” sources confirmed today.

Rumors have circulated for days of a full-blown — ahem — “thing” between the United States and its longtime regional adversary, but department officials declined to characterize the situation any further.

“We’re seeing each other acrimoniously,” said Secretary of War Pete Hegseth. “We don’t want to get ahead of ourselves.”

The department later issued internal guidance directing staff to describe the ongoing operation as a “hostile situationship” or “foreign entanglement we sought to avoid.”

Still, a cadre of increasingly frustrated reporters pressed Hegseth to clarify whether the United States was, in fact, at war.

“It turns out the word ‘war’ comes with a lot of baggage — like congressional oversight,” Hegseth said. “So we knew we had to change the name again, because we are not fighting any wars.”

Officials said several alternatives are under consideration, including “Department of Preemptive Aggression,” “Department of Explosions,” and “Military Department.”

“We briefly liked ‘Department of Aggression’ because it tested poorly with liberals,” one official said. “Then it tested poorly with conservatives too. At that point we realized we may have painted ourselves into a corner renaming it from ‘Department of Defense,’ which, in hindsight, was actually a pretty solid name.”

The compromise option, “Liberty Department,” was reportedly rejected because “no one could say it with a straight face.”

ARLINGTON, Va. — A local man who says he is “closely monitoring the rapidly evolving situation in Iran” admitted that his analysis largely consists of scrolling through videos posted by attractive Middle Eastern influencers celebrating the death of Ayatollah Ali Khamenei, sources confirmed today.

“I’m just trying to stay informed,” said Kyle McDonough after watching the same dance video of smoking-hot Persian influencer and PhD student Mooné Rahimi for the 37th time while insisting he is keeping tabs on everything happening in and around Iran.

McDonough said his geopolitical interest began after a video appeared in his feed starring influencer Goldie Ghamari.

“She was explaining the historical significance of the moment,” said McDonough a former defense contractor-turned-amateur open source intelligence analyst, replaying the video again. “Also she winked and said ‘freedom for Iran,’ which I think has major implications for regional stability.”

“That wink was for me," he added.

Since then, McDonough told reporters that he's been using LiveUAMap to get real-time updates on the war and definitely not endlessly scrolling through viral thirst trap videos on Instagram Reels and TikTok.

Meanwhile, friends say McDonough has spent the past several days forwarding videos of glamorous Iranian influencers to group chats with captions such as “Important update from Tehran.” He has also expanded his research to include popular “Women of the Israel Defense Force” social media accounts.

“These accounts provide critical regional context,” McDonough explained while watching a video of Israeli OnlyFans model Gal Gool in which she claims to have personally eliminated the Iranian Supreme Leader with what she called “two Israeli missiles" on her chest.

Some Middle East experts believe Western men may be radicalized by the growing influence of online “ji-hotties,” an alliance of Instagram models and TikTokers from Iran, Israel, and the Kurdish Women’s Protection Units. Some fear the content may radicalize Western men into becoming simps and passport bros.

MAR-A-LAGO — The White House announced Monday that President Donald Trump will be awarded the Medal of Honor after becoming the only person in America to successfully locate a Chief Warrant Officer 5.

“I’m no Trump fan,” said military historian Joshua Delano, “but you must give credit where credit is due. I’ve gone through archival records and couldn’t find a single instance where an Army warrant officer has been successfully summoned to a formal ceremony. This is groundbreaking. Entire thesis papers will be written about this at the War College.”

Known as highly specialized technical experts who exist somewhere between enlisted non-commissioned officers and commissioned officers, warrant officers have long been known for their deep love of rich black coffee and a legendary ability to disappear without a trace, often not being seen or heard from for days or weeks at a time.

Warrant officers are particularly known for their natural aversion to all things ceremonial. Defense officials say they instinctively vanish when confronted with promotion ceremonies, change-of-command ceremonies, morning accountability formations, or anything related to physical training. Even more perplexing, many warrant officers appear to be in excellent physical condition despite there being no eyewitness accounts of them actually exerting themselves.

When they are present in the workplace, warrant officers are known for a skill many have likened to a Jedi mind trick — the ability to be present, perform no visible work, yet still receive accolades for their technical expertise. A senior defense official called the phenomenon “mystifying.”

MIDDLE EAST — After a squad of irregular Iranian fighters breached the perimeter of his base in the region, Marine Cpl. Brian McVeigh heroically dove on a grenade to save the Dow Jones Industrial Average from falling below 50,000, sources confirmed today.

“As Marines, this is what we train for,” Marine Corps Commandant Gen. Eric Smith said. “You never know when you might have to put your life on the line to protect quarterly corporate earning reports.”

Squad mates said they heard McVeigh yell “Thirteen percent year-over-year growth!” just before he flung his battered body onto the high explosive in a last-ditch effort to shield the benchmark index. 

“McVeigh always said it was about the 401(k) returns of the guy to your left and right,” his platoon sergeant, Staff Sgt. Nicholas Romero, said. “If I had known he was brave enough to live up to his words, I would have maxed out my Thrift Savings Plan years ago.”

Unfortunately for McVeigh, his unit had no internet access for over a week due to operational security concerns, and the Dow had fallen far below 50,000 days before he risked life and limb to preserve it. But even the threat of short-term portfolio losses wouldn’t temper his courage, his comrades said.

“I don’t think he would have done it any differently if he had known,” Romero said. “That’s just the kind of Marine he is. Always thinking about the markets.”

McVeigh was severely wounded by the blast but survived. Initial indications from leadership are that he likely will not receive a Purple Heart or Combat Action Ribbon because “it’s not a war, just a limited combat operation.”

“Marines don’t do it for the medals, we do it for love of the game,” Smith said. “I just wish he could have done it a few months ago before I lost a shitload of money on Oracle call options.”

At press time, the Department of Veterans Affairs had decided McVeigh would not be awarded a disability rating because the eye and three limbs he lost were determined not to be service-connected. 

WASHINGTON — President Donald Trump has promised to sacrifice as many American soldiers as it takes to distract from the Epstein files, sources confirmed today.

In a solemn address from the Oval Office, the president honored the sacrifices of those who have died in an unnecessary and unconstitutional war with Iran he began in February while demonstrating the strength of his resolve in seeing the conflict through until people lose interest in the fact that he is mentioned thousands of times in the documents.

"We send our immense love and eternal gratitude to the families of the fallen," Trump said before dozing off momentarily. "And sadly, there will likely be more before it ends. That's the way it is. There might even be a lot more. Who knows? It's really up to the people talking about Epstein. You know, this could be over very quickly, nobody else needs to die. They just need to do a good thing and stop asking for any more files.”

BEEN honoured with the chance to organise a hen weekend nobody wants to attend and to wear a hideous dress? Get uninvited, fast:  

Announce your own wedding for the same day

Ideally your invite should arrive in the same post as theirs, and the wedding take place the same hour. Difficult if you didn’t have a long-term boyfriend ready for matrimony already, but nothing a quick trip to Wetherspoons can’t fix. For extra salt in the wound, invite your bride friend to be your bridesmaid.

Shag the groom

It’s for her own good, you rationalise as you ride her husband-to-be in their bed, because if he’s unfaithful now what hope for the marriage? Not only have you saved her betrothal to the wrong man, you’ve saved her thousands of pounds. Truly, no woman has ever taken one for the team more. Don’t do it on his stag night or he won’t remember.

Get pregnant

Bringing a new life into the world is a sacred act and shouldn’t be taken lightly, except as a way out of being a bridesmaid. Requires at least nine months notice and the same long-term boyfriend/quick trip to Wetherspoons caveat as earlier. And if that doesn’t put her off, say it’s the groom’s.

Go off grid

It’s not one day. It’s at least a year of being the sounding board about the flowers, the place settings, the first dance and all the other crap he couldn’t give a f**k about. Abandoning the world to live in a cave, foraging food and shunning society is preferable to assuaging a bride’s every insecurity and lying that she’s made the right decision.

Commit armed robbery

Being in on a heist in itself is not excuse enough, but being arrested, snitching out the rest of the gang, going into witness protection and beginning a new life in Canada might do it. There will always be a price on your head and one day you’ll be pulled over, double-tapped and die alone in snow, but you didn’t have to wear mauve satin.

Disagree with her once in public

Brides are not to be f**ked with. Wait until the first of many ‘fun and totally optional’ planning summits then, when everything’s going well, share a teeny-tiny quibble about whether the band are quite suitable. You will be immediately deleted from the party, and all WhatsApp and friendship groups. A social outcast for life. Worth it.

INTEREST rates are going through the roof due to war in Iran, which is great news for Brits with huge surplus sums. How will you cash in? 

Helen Archer, translator: “By borrowing £15 million at today’s loan rates, putting it in a high-interest account at December’s rates, and living off the margin between the two. Now I just need to borrow £15 million.”

Oliver O’Connor, meme generator: “Right. And if I’ve put all my capital into Pokemon cards, where does that leave me?”

Denys Finch Hatton, historian: “You guys think this war’s going to carry on? Have you not been listening to Pete Hegseth?”

Steve Malley, civil servant: “I’m actually the bloke who goes up on the ladder and changes the big numbers on the Bank of England showing what the rate is. I get paid per job, so I’m quids in for the year.”

Susan Traherne, heiress: “Oh that is good news. I was thinking I needed to liquidate my gold. Well that calls for a little drinky-poo.”

AFTER Gerry Adams protested in court that he was never a member of the IRA, retired members of the group are kicking themselves for failing to recruit him. 

Although Adams was a key figure in the Republican movement and seemingly an ideal candidate for the IRA, it seems he could never be sufficiently bothered to actually join.

Ex-IRA commander Seamus O’Grady said: “I’m pretty sure I asked Patrick to ask Gerry if he was interested. But now he’s saying he thought I was going to do it, the eejit. 

“You’d have thought Adams could’ve put himself forward though. Was he shy? Was all the ‘get the Brits out’ stuff just talk? Maybe he secretly loves them. I suppose we could have recruited someone else by mistake. It’s a problem when everyone wears f**king balaclavas. 

“Needless to say, this oversight has sent shockwaves through the paramilitary community. He was always around, always f**king talking, always being Gerry Adams with that twatty beard. We all just assumed someone else had done the paperwork. 

“So it turns out he was just a hanger-on, like those blokes who impersonate war veterans. But if he’s still interested we can do a bit of backdating and get him in. I mean, it’s less work than it used to be.”

O’Grady added: “Hang on, it seems we accidentally invited the bloke who did his voice on telly. Bollocks. No wonder he was useless at doing bombs.”

A TEENAGE boy has been indoctrinated by the manosphere after watching the latest Louis Theroux documentary, it has emerged.

15-year-old Jack Browne has been transformed from a lovely, wholesome boy into a misogynistic dickhead obsessed with social media ‘clout’ after watching Theroux’s new Netflix documentary.

Browne said: “I’d been sheltered from toxic influencers like Andrew Tate up until now. But the documentary my parents made me watch really expanded my horizons.

“There I was, thinking that being a scumbag would get me nowhere in life. Turns out that getting jacked and treating women badly is the key to becoming rich and successful. Thank you, Louis Theroux, for showing me the way.

“I’m going to follow the example of the men he filmed. Apparently they’re awful pigs, but they’re also loaded and surrounded by OnlyFans models. Meanwhile my dad followed society’s rules, earns f**k all and is married to a juggernaut.

“Some of the editing in the documentary was a bit weird though. It was almost like he was disapproving of their incredible lifestyle. He must just be a jealous beta cuck, that’s the only explanation.”

Browne’s mum Emma said: “I guess it could be worse. At least Jack hasn’t been inspired to become a nerdy, socially-awkward documentary filmmaker.”

If there’s one thing we can all agree on, it’s that Jeff Bezos needs more money. One of the five richest people in the world announced recently the he is fundraising again. Usually, that’s something people use for a good cause. Surely Bezos has a plan for putting just a fraction of his unconscionable wealth […]

The post Jeff Bezos is raising $100 billion to buy up all the factories, unfortunately there’s one hitch in his plan that has these 17 humans pretty pissed off appeared first on The Poke.

Well, this is awkward. It was day two of the investigation into what, if any, evidence exists to justify the United States attacks on Iran, and there were two stars sitting front and center: US National Intelligence head, Tulsi Gabbard, and CIA head, John Ratcliffe. Everything was moving along smoothly until the intelligence officials were […]

The post This one, simple question completely stumped Trump’s top two intelligence officials and exposed the whole department in the process appeared first on The Poke.

Schadenfreude. Buyer’s remorse. FAFO. Take your pick, the Maga community is suffering from a variety of maladies right now. This clip from MS Now features a fisherman bemoaning the fact that he voted for Donald Trump and yet his life has only gotten worse since the bulbous orange snake slithered back into the White House. […]

The post This deeply confused Florida fisherman just perfectly summed up the Maga voting experience in 15 seconds flat appeared first on The Poke.

Today’s lesson on perspective is brought to you by the President of the United States. Sure, the economy is in the tank and it’s impossible to afford enough gas to drive a car to the grocery store, but it could be worse, right? That’s what Donald Trump wants American to think, at least. Here is […]

The post Donald Trump’s take on America’s rising prices didn’t just not read the room, he wasn’t even in the right building – 17 A++ comebacks appeared first on The Poke.

Nigel Farage has been busy looking for other things to get offended about and this week it’s Muslims. Specifically, Muslims praying in public after an event in Trafalgar Square earlier this week where hundreds of Muslims and people of other faiths prayed together, before the celebration of Eid. Farage didn’t like it, he didn’t like […]

The post Nigel Farage is furious with Muslims praying under Nelson’s Column and this especially well-informed comeback was just magnificent appeared first on The Poke.