Nation Watches Helplessly As 2028 Election Cycle Begins

WASHINGTON—Exhibiting a growing sense of panic as screens lit up with rumors and speculation about potential candidates, the nation reportedly watched helplessly Wednesday as the 2028 election cycle began. “Oh God, no, it’s not even 2027 yet—what do you mean people are talking about 2028?” said Doug Edmunds, echoing the sentiments of millions of pale, fearful Americans who peeled the “I voted” stickers off their clothes and scrolled past prediction market odds for Republicans retaking Congress in two years. “Jon Ossoff running for president? No, no, you must be mistaken. He just got reelected to the Senate. What’s this about a crowded Democratic primary? Primaries happened earlier this year, and we’ve got over a year until they happen again. Right? Oh fuck—I just got an email asking me to donate to Pete Buttigieg’s presidential campaign.” At press time, reports confirmed all 340 million Americans had locked themselves inside their homes and started to frantically load their guns after canvassers for the Rahm Emanuel 2028 campaign appeared at their doors. The Onion.

Chuck Schumer Delivers Victory Speech To Previously Enthusiastic Crowd

WASHINGTON—Their raucous cheers plunging to near pin-drop silence in a manner of seconds, presumptive Senate Majority Leader Chuck Schumer (D-NY) delivered a victory speech Tuesday night to a previously enthusiastic crowd. Sources told reporters that elated Democrats had been clapping, shouting, and even dancing for almost an hour straight, and their energy drained from the room the very moment that Schumer, with a small fist pump, began speaking into his microphone. According to reports, the campaign signs that attendees had been exuberantly waving above their heads were limply held at waist level as Schumer looked ahead to “bipartisan solutions,” “reaching across the aisle,” and “focusing on what unites us, not what divides us.” Witnesses in attendance said that most of the crowd, after exchanging a few crestfallen glances, had trudged out of the room by the time Schumer declared that presumptive House Speaker Hakeem Jeffries (D-NY) stood right by his side. The Onion.

Today’s Historic Front Page: November 4, 2026

The Onion.

Haley Stevens High-Fiving Everyone At El-Sayed Victory Party Like Nothing Happened

The Onion.

Abdul El-Sayed Makes History As First Physically Healthy Senator

The Onion.

Cheer Up, Friends: Here Are 8 Silver Linings Of The Republicans Getting Blown Out

Turn those frowns upside down, everyone! Even though the Democrats won sweeping victories across the country in the midterms, it's not all bad news out there. Believe it or not, there might even be some good things that come out of it.

Satan Cedes Title Of ‘Eternal Supreme Lord Of Evil And Darkness’ To Reddit Mod

HELL — In a small and private ceremony, the Prince of Darkness himself ceded his title of "Eternal Supreme Lord of Evil and Darkness" to a Reddit mod named Brayden.

Millions Of Texans Seen Crossing Rio Grande Into Mexico

EL PASO, TX — After the political winds ushered in sweeping changes to the Lone Star State last night, with radical Democrats taking power in what had been a staunchly conservative stronghold, millions of Texans were seen crossing the Rio Grande into Mexico.

Exit Polls Confirm Dems Won Midterms Due To Not Enough Lakes Being Renamed ‘America’

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Americans overwhelmingly voted blue on Election Day in a clear rebuke of Trump's inability to name more lakes after the United States.

Democrats Not Sure What To Do Now With All These Fake Ballots

U.S. — Fresh off a wave of overwhelming victories in Tuesday's midterm elections, Democrats were reportedly not sure what they were supposed to do now with all the fake ballots they had stored up.

Long Overdue: Nebraska Just Elected Its First Ever Anime Congressman

The Democratic Party’s effort to take back Congress from Republicans may be the biggest story of the 2026 midterms, but this result from one House race in the Midwest may be the most inspiring: Nebraska has elected its first ever anime congressman. Yes! It’s about damn time Nebraska joined the 21st century! House candidate X-Bop Hoshigami just made history in Nebraska’s 2nd Congressional District, becoming the very first person of Japanese-animated descent elected to office in The Cornhusker State. In a stunning upset over major party candidates Denise Powell (D) and Brinker Harding (R), Rep. X-Bop (˶>⩊<˶) ended up winning over 90% of the vote with a campaign platform promising to “keep Nebraska kaiju-free,” “expand public access to manga,” and “harness The Power Of Friendship as a renewable energy source to reduce the state’s reliance on foreign oil.” In a celebratory speech to supporters, Rep. X-Bop, who was accompanied on stage by his anthropomorphic anime pig sidekick named Baconji, jumped in the air, flashed a peace sign to the audience in a freeze frame, and exclaimed “Ya-ha! Victory is mine!” “Let’s harvest the 2nd Congressional District’s destiny!” shouted Rep. X-Bop before he and Baconji began noisily devouring Nebraska-grown corn, only pausing when his longtime crush, an anime schoolgirl named Hitomi, kissed him on the cheek to congratulate him on his electoral victory, causing Rep. X-Bop to blush and faint. Hoshigami managed to win over unlikely voters such as Hank Adkins, 53, a long-haul trucker living in Carleton, NE, who says he didn’t fully understand Rep. X-Bop’s policies, corporeality, or what anime even is, but felt that the 2nd District needed change, and that he’d rather “roll the dice on a foreign animated boy with a positive attitude instead of another Republican or Democrat.” How inspiring is this? If an anime congressman can win office in Nebraska of all places, there’s hope for our country yet! To see voters in a typically red state like Nebraska open to the idea of an anime congressman is truly amazing. It’s easy to feel cynical about the direction America is heading, but Rep. X-Bop Hoshigami is proof that progress is still possible and worth fighting for. Simply amazing!

The End Of Fare Evasion: NYC’s Subway Fare Gates Have Been Replaced By A Little Guy Who Bites You If You Don’t Pay

The era of hopping turnstiles is officially over in the Big Apple, because the MTA just fixed the problem of fare evasion once and for all: NYC’s subway fare gates have been replaced by a little guy who bites you if you don’t pay. Wow. If a small biting man doesn’t deter fare evaders, truly nothing will! As of today, New York has removed fare gates from all MTA subway stops throughout the city and replaced them with a little man, who will bite anyone that tries to access the subway without paying, regardless of the fare evader’s age, race, or gender. In a statement announcing the new fare evasion policy, NYC Mayor Zohran Mamdani emphasized that “every subway rider’s fare is important for funding subway maintenance” and that “once the little guy bites a fare evader, he will not let go until the fare has been collected.” “We’re confident a small man who bites will be a more effective, cost-efficient way to collect New York subway fare than traditional gates and turnstiles,” wrote Mayor Mamdani in the statement. “Even if fare evaders make it onto a train before the little guy can bite them, the little guy will be waiting for them at the next stop, where he will sprint into the subway car as soon as the doors open and clamp his down on the fat of the fare evader’s thigh until they present the $3.00 they should have paid in the first place. While testing the small biting man system, those who were bit say his bite was similar to that of a horse, with teeth not sharp enough to draw blood, but an amount of biting pressure painful enough to teach them a lesson.” According to Mamdani, the city is hiring one little guy for each of New York’s 472 subway stations, and they are set to receive “an entry-level salary of $91,000 to bite turnstile hoppers, a small tradeoff to save the city billions in fare evasion over the next decade.”  Absolutely brilliant. Hats off to Mayor Mamdani and the MTA for devising such an elegant solution to one of NYC’s longest-standing issues. Everyone who criticized Mamdani’s push for free buses is eating crow now that NY will be collecting billions in fare that would’ve been lost without his small biting guys. The greatest city in the world just got even greater!

Yikes: President Trump’s Latest Plan To Fix Obamacare Is For Everyone To Get A Nurse Friend They Can Text Pictures Of Their Weird Rashes To

As the Trump administration continues scaling back the Affordable Care Act, the cuts to Obamacare leave many low income individuals wondering what to do for healthcare. Sadly, President Trump’s newest roadmap for them isn’t exactly well thought-out: Trump’s latest plan to fix Obamacare is for everyone to get a nurse friend they can text pictures of their weird rashes to. Woof. Well it’s better than nothing, we guess? As a White House spokesperson explained at a press conference earlier today, “Starting early 2027, it’s recommended that anyone who has been denied for health insurance instead befriend a nurse they can casually send pictures of their rashes to, a service which will be no-to-low cost.” The spokesperson continued to explain that the nurse will be able to tell if it’s just some random hives that needs a little cortisone or if it’s seriously infected MRSA. “As long as you don’t annoy the nurse friend too much—like definitely don’t just send her a standard mosquito bite, save this for when you really need it—she will likely continue to do this for you forever, so it’s actually even better than a healthcare plan, which often changes year-to-year,” added the spokesperson. “And you can also text her about other stuff, cancer, diabetes, et cetera, so that’s good too.”  The White House then declined to answer any questions about what will happen if the nurse friend suggests you do need actual medical care for the rash, cancer, diabetes, or anything else. Yikes. This definitely isn’t going to be that reassuring for any Americans who’ll be kicked off their health insurance plans soon, but it seems like their only option is to go hang around a hospital parking lot and try making friends with a nurse.

Pathetic: FBI Director Kash Patel Is Trying To Play Off The Human Centipede He Was Surgically Added To As A Halloween Costume 

Between a never-ending stream of bizarre media appearances and internal complaints about his excessive drinking, FBI Director Kash Patel is steadily eroding confidence in our country’s federal law enforcement. However, just when you thought he’d brought enough shame to the FBI, he does this: Kash Patel is trying to play off the human centipede he was surgically added to as a Halloween costume. It really doesn’t get more pathetic than this. How can anyone take the FBI seriously when it’s run by someone attached to a literal human centipede?! Yesterday, FBI Director Kash Patel arrived to a press conference with his mouth sewn to the anus of an unidentified woman, and his anus sewn to mouth of an unidentified man, which a spokesperson for the FBI claimed was part of Patel’s elaborate “Halloween costume.” Patel was accompanied by 12 other strangers in total, all surgically sewn together orifice-to-orifice into a human centipede, with Patel serving as the center link in the chain of nude, wailing people. Unable to answer a reporter’s question about the FBI’s unconstitutional probes of anti-ICE protestors, Patel instead scribbled “i cant wait for halloween” on a legal pad through tears, visibly suffering as the person whose anus his mouth was sewn to began to pass a heavy bowel movement into Patel.  According to sources, a number of FBI employees were caught off-guard and dismayed by Patel’s “viscerally upsetting” press appearance, expressing outrage that “the people attached to Patel’s mouth and anus were non-FBI personnel, meaning people with zero security clearance are now privy to sensitive information concerning active investigations.” “It’s beyond unprofessional for the acting FBI Director to wear a Halloween costume on the job, so that would be a poor excuse for conducting FBI business from the center of a human centipede even if it were true—which it clearly isn’t,” said an Executive Assistant Director at the bureau, speaking on the condition of anonymity. “To wind up in a human centipede and then blatantly lie about it just to save face speaks volumes about Kash Patel’s character. In my 20 years at the bureau, I’ve never seen leadership undermine itself in such reckless, demoralizing fashion.” Just pitiful. Mr. Patel has single-handedly turned the FBI into a national laughingstock.  President Trump needs to replace Kash Patel ASAP if he cares about the FBI maintaining a shred of integrity––that is, if this distraction hasn’t destroyed it entirely. Showing up to work naked, weeping, and sewn ass-to-mouth with a dozen strangers would get you fired from most other jobs, but apparently not in the Trump administration. America is so screwed, isn’t it? Ugh.

A Total Toss-Up: It’s Impossible To Tell Whether Everyone In This Small Town Bar Is Dressed For Halloween Or That’s Just What People Look Like There

Folks, we can’t make heads or tails of this. There’s an absolute headscratcher of a situation going on with this upstate New York dive: It’s impossible to tell whether everyone in this small town bar is dressed for Halloween, or that’s just what people look like there. Either these people are in Halloween costumes, or they look that way all the time, and both answers have an equal likelihood of being true. This is a true coin flip.  With outfits and demeanors ranging from eccentric to downright frightening, no one could be faulted for assuming that the clientele of Knoxie’s Pub in Lafayette, NY went all out for Halloween, or that the area simply fosters a socioeconomic class of people who always look like that. From the three greasy, cackling men in flannels who could easily be doing a three-person group costume referencing Deliverance, to the nurse with conspicuous cleavage and too much makeup flirting with an eye-patched man in a fisherman’s slicker, it’s a total toss-up whether these people came straight from work or Party City. To the naked eye, every bargoer in Knoxie’s Pub exists in the razor-thin margin between real-life archetypes and Halloween costume stereotypes. There are only two places where you’ll see genuine hippies in Baja hoodies and dreadlocks drinking alongside bandana-wearing, mustached bikers: a Halloween party, or an upstate New York dive bar. Knoxie’s Pub seems to be a genuine liminal space separating the two, because there is no telling if this is what the regulars look like on any given day, or just on October 31st.  There’s literally an old man with yellow-y skin and a bolo tie–who, if he isn’t dressed as Grandpa Simpson, needs to go to a hospital, because he’s clearly dying of liver disease or something–getting ejected by a bouncer wearing Stone Cold Steve Austin-style jeans and leather vest. It is a complete enigma. Halloween, and just any other night at this pub…what’s the difference? Your guess is as good as ours. Until someone goes into this bar and asks, the question of whether these people love Halloween or their natural appearance just serves as Halloween costume inspo will remain a complete mystery. Festive or not, cheers to the people of Knoxie’s Pub for looking like that, whatever the reason may be!

Pentagon confident U.S. will be ready for 2027 war with China by 2035

THE PENTAGON — Pentagon officials expressed optimism this week that the United States will be fully prepared to fight its anticipated 2027 war with China by 2035, citing steady progress toward rebuilding depleted munitions stockpiles, repairing warships and alienating every remaining American ally."We're in excellent shape," said a senior defense official. "Our projections show we'll have everything we need to fight the 2027 war with China by 2035, possibly 2034 if Congress approves the supplemental."The official emphasized that entering a major conflict at a severe disadvantage was consistent with historically proven American methods of achieving victory."Look, America loves an underdog story," he said. "We're on track to exhaust our munitions stockpiles, drydock our entire naval fleet, and alienate all our allies by January. Historically, that's how America wins wars."Pentagon officials also disclosed details of confidential negotiations with their Chinese counterparts, noting that both sides remained open to starting the conflict with an invasion of Taiwan or something with a little more historical significance."We're calling it the Marco Rubio Bridge Incident," explained one official. "We'll send an entire brigade combat team into China looking for a missing private and simply refuse to leave once we find him."Officials acknowledged that the soldier would probably turn up back at the barracks before the invasion began, but insisted historical accuracy was essential to the operation."The Chinese have been very cooperative," the official added. "They've even offered to provide the missing private."President Donald Trump thanked Beijing for the offer but insisted the United States already had a suitable candidate."We've got a former Marine living rent-free at the Naval Observatory," Trump said. "All he does is fuck things up, and apparently the couch, too. Beautiful couch. I'm calling him back to active duty, sending him into China, and declaring him missing before he even lands."Trump said Chinese officials had already offered to return the Marine."I told them, 'You send him back, that's an act of war.'"Despite the administration's confidence, Pentagon planners warned that Russia, China, and Iran were rapidly expanding their military arsenals while American stockpiles remained depleted by ongoing operations in the Middle East."They're years ahead of us," said a senior defense official. "If we wait until 2035 to fight the 2027 war, they'll already be preparing for 2045, and we're not ready for that until 2065."The official expressed frustration with Congress and the defense industry over their failure to replenish American weapons inventories following months of fighting with Iran."We've had an entire year to buy more missiles, and all we got was this stupid T-shirt."The shirt read, "Peace Through Lethality."Pentagon officials said they were working closely with defense contractors to accelerate production, though several programs remained on schedule to deliver their first operational weapons systems shortly after the wars they were designed to fight."We're not worried about that," one official said. "By 2035, we're confident the 2027 war will be going well enough that somebody will still need the equipment."At press time, Vice President JD Vance had been spotted sporting a fresh high-and-tight and taking intensive Mandarin lessons, developments the White House insisted were entirely unrelated to ongoing negotiations with China.SECDEF_Nice served in Army Civil Affairs and specialized in failing to influence populations and occasionally his own chain-of-command. Support him at Foxhole Briefs or Royal Road. Follow him on Twitter, Facebook, or Instagram.

Hegseth wears Eisenhower's globe as Halloween costume

THE PENTAGON — Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth won the Pentagon's annual Halloween costume contest Friday after dressing as a globe once owned by Gen. Dwight D. Eisenhower, transforming a priceless military artifact recently damaged by his staff into what aides described as a powerful statement of American military leadership.The costume, dubbed "Pete the Planet," featured the 30-inch globe with a large hole around Antarctica through which Hegseth could insert his body."Most people see a broken globe," Hegseth reportedly told partygoers. "I see an opportunity to make the world great again."The idea came after members of Hegseth's staff accidentally dropped the historic globe while attempting to move it into his office earlier this year. The collision punched a hole through Antarctica and detached the priceless artifact from its mount.Rather than wait for professional conservators to repair the globe, Hegseth reportedly ordered his staff to enlarge the opening so he could fit inside."We spend billions defending those fucking penguins, and what have they ever done for us?" Hegseth asked.Additional holes were cut through Greenland, Canada, most NATO countries and Taiwan to accommodate the secretary's arms and allow him to flex his biceps during conversations with foreign military attachés.Aides said they were careful to avoid damaging countries among some of America's closest allies since January 2025, such as Russia, China, and North Korea."Secretary Hegseth believes in maintaining strong relationships with countries that understand strength," one official explained. "Eisenhower was a great general, but he wasted a lot of time building alliances with weak-ass European nations."Ukraine was initially marked for removal, but Hegseth instead attached a miniature blinking Starlink satellite over the country."He likes being able to switch it on and off," one aide said. "It makes him feel like he's controlling the war."

Spirit Halloween store to become pop-up ICE detention center

TUSCALOOSA, Ala. — A former PetSmart that recently became a Spirit Halloween store will undergo another transformation next month when Immigration and Customs Enforcement converts the vacant retail space into a temporary detention center.The announcement marks the third tenant in six months for the struggling strip mall, whose remaining businesses include a sandwich shop closed for health violations and an Armed Forces Recruiting Center."We really thought Spirit Halloween was going to bring some stability to the neighborhood," said cashier Amanda Miller. "But apparently four and a half weeks is a long-term commitment now."The conversion is part of a new DHS initiative to establish detention facilities in vacant retail properties, allowing ICE to rapidly relocate detainees into buildings that were never intended to hold human beings."Spirit Halloween has perfected this model," said one ICE contracting official. "Find an abandoned building, move in practically overnight, scare the shit out of everybody and disappear before anyone figures out what happened."Officials said the agency was particularly impressed by Spirit Halloween's ability to operate without permanent infrastructure, experienced personnel or any apparent obligation to remain in one location."It's basically our existing detention strategy, but with better signage."Contractors said converting the former costume store would require minimal renovations."We're putting two portable toilets on the sales floor, installing some temporary fencing, and adding air conditioning to the manager's office," one contractor said. "The building already has kennels from when it was a PetSmart, so that's a huge savings."The air conditioning will be reserved for ICE personnel.DHS emphasized that the facility is not a prison, since prisons are required to meet substantially more demanding standards.Several Halloween decorations will remain in place to reduce costs. Officials said the animatronic skeletons, flickering lights, and prerecorded screams would help discourage detainees from attempting to escape."Honestly, the fake chains hanging from the ceiling are a nice touch," said one agent. "We were going to install real ones, but procurement said the funding wasn't there."The agency also plans to retain the store's original customer-service desk, which will serve as the facility's legal assistance office.A sign reading NO REFUNDS OR EXCHANGES will remain posted above the counter.Local officials welcomed the development, predicting that the temporary detention center would bring jobs and renewed economic activity to the strip mall."We're talking about seasonal employment, security contracts and potentially dozens of federal agents buying energy drinks," said one county official. "That's economic development."Applications have reportedly surged among local airsoft enthusiasts, former security guards, and men who once attended military boot camp before being sent home for reasons they prefer not to discuss."I've wanted to serve my country for years," said newly-hired agent Roscoe Williams, adjusting a tactical vest he'd purchased at the Halloween store. "They told me I couldn't be a cop, but apparently this is different."Williams said his previous law enforcement application had been rejected following a domestic violence complaint.DHS officials said the facility would close when its short-term lease expires, after which detainees would be transferred to another location."That's the beauty of the model," one official explained. "By the time the lawyers figure out where everybody went, we've already opened somewhere else."Spirit Halloween employees expressed disappointment but said they understood the business decision."We specialize in making abandoned places terrifying for a few weeks," Miller said. "I guess ICE just found a way to do it year-round."At press time, Spirit Halloween's going-out-of-business sale had completely sold out of military uniforms, tactical vests, and fake police badges.The remaining merchandise consisted of three witches' hats, a plastic skeleton, and a costume labeled ACCOUNTABLE GOVERNMENT OFFICIAL, which had never been removed from its original packaging.

Army FRG unveils haunted house featuring spouses saying ‘I’m fine’

FORT BRAGG, N.C. — The 82nd Airborne Division's Soldier and Family Readiness Group has unveiled a new Halloween haunted house featuring some of the most terrifying scenarios in military life, including missed anniversaries, mandatory volunteer opportunities and spouses quietly insisting that everything is fine."We wanted something that would genuinely frighten our soldiers," said event organizer Amanda Collins. "After reviewing the usual haunted house stuff — ghosts, zombies, chainsaws — we realized none of that compares to coming home and hearing your wife say, 'We need to talk.'"The attraction begins in a dimly lit living room decorated for Christmas. A soldier enters to find an undecorated tree, unopened presents and a spouse sitting silently on the couch.How was your day?" the soldier asks."Fine," the spouse replies.When the soldier asks whether something is wrong, the spouse responds, "Nothing."Visitors are then required to identify what they did wrong before being permitted to leave. So far, no participant has successfully completed the room.The next attraction, the Mandatory Fun Maze, features an enthusiastic FRG volunteer armed with a clipboard and a list of upcoming family events."We'd love your help with the bake sale," she tells visitors.Soldiers who decline are informed that participation is completely voluntary and asked why they don't care about supporting the unit.Those who agree are immediately assigned three dozen cupcakes, two car washes, and responsibility for organizing the commander's holiday party.Several soldiers reportedly remain trapped inside.The Permanent Change of Station Labyrinth features hundreds of moving boxes, missing household goods and a spouse sitting in an empty kitchen."Did you remember to schedule the movers?" she asks.When visitors respond that transportation said everything was taken care of, she smiles."That's fine."The room then goes completely dark.

Hasan execution venue double-booked with Comic-Con

FORT HOOD, Texas — Army officials preparing for the December execution of convicted Fort Hood shooter Nidal Hasan have discovered that the venue was also booked for a local comic book convention, raising concerns that the military's first execution in 65 years may have to share space with several hundred costumed enthusiasts.The scheduling conflict emerged during an advance site survey, when soldiers found the Lone Star Conference Center already reserved for a Comic-Con-style convention featuring celebrity autographs, collectible merchandise and a competitive cosplay contest."We've got a serious problem," said one installation official. "Both events have paid their deposits, and neither one wants to move."Junior soldiers assigned to support the execution initially expressed little enthusiasm for the mission."Watching some old guy get shot for something that happened before I was born? Pretty cringe," said one private. "But watching it happen surrounded by stormtroopers and Spider-Man? That's actually kind of sick."Others remained critical of the venue."It's a horrible thing what he did, but this is Fort Hood," said one soldier dressed as Howard the Duck. "Between first sergeants murdering their wives, barracks gangs, and bodies turning up behind range control, do we really need to kill another person here on purpose? Can't we move this somewhere nicer, like Lackland?"Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth reportedly rejected proposals to relocate the execution, saying the Army had already invested considerable resources in planning the event."We've got security, transportation, rehearsals, a seating chart and a commemorative challenge coin," Hegseth said. "We're not throwing that away because a bunch of nerds want to dress like fictional soldiers."The convention organizers were equally unwilling to compromise.

Harry and Meghan move into Sunderland ‘forever home’

Once, they were the highest televisual art man ever created. But the John Lewis advert has lost it

By Oliver O’Connor, former John Lewis and Christmas enjoyer FIFTEEN ago, a new Renaissance came to British television. An advert so incredible it single-handedly revived Christmas. But now? The John Lewis ads have lost it.  Remember? Back in 2011, the country still high on coalition government and the launch of Pringles Xtreme? When suddenly, a high-end department store hit us with a devastating truth bomb: children like to give presents, not just receive them. Whoomp. Minds blown across the country, and all to a gentle cover of a Smiths song. I know! The Smiths, a miserable band, radically decontextualised! Britain agreed this was the pinnacle of artistic endeavour and watched it on repeat all Christmas Day. Then the next year, incredibly, they topped it with a gift-buying snowman. We sent the soundtrack to number one, we threw out the entire content of the National Gallery and replaced it with cels of this, and everyone involved was awarded a peerage. And the hits kept coming. The Hare and the Bear? Monty the Penguin? Each one a hitherto unknown peak in humanity’s ability to create imaginative works that wake minds, warm hearts, sell soft toys and bring nations together. They ended all war. It wasn’t until Excitable Edgar, known to the country as ‘that f**king dragon’, that John Lewis slipped. Unlikeable, cheap and featuring indie also-rans Bastille, it let us down. Within months there was a pandemic and lockdown. Not coincidence. Since then we’ve had stupid bloody aliens, adoption, Venus fly-traps, time travel and sad, washed-up old ravers. And this year? Ungrateful brats and an overindulgent grandmother trying desperately to avoid being committed to sheltered housing. Sickening. It’s over, John Lewis. And so is television, capitalism, and Christmas. That’s how badly you’ve f**ked this one up. Bring on the Islamic Caliphate.

How to pace your joy on this hilarious day

REVELLING in Trump’s downfall is irresistible, but like drinking it needs to be done in moderation. Here’s how to pace yourself:  Focus on work Trump’s midterms defeat is schadenfreude of the highest order. Your job, by contrast, is punishingly dull. Like a man trying to hold back ejaculation, focus on work to make your manic glee last longer. Your colleagues won’t suspect that you’re on the verge of collapsing in giggles at Republicans losing Texas as you fill cells on a spreadsheet. Remember how inept the left can be Remember 2020? Joe Biden won and Trump scurried back to Florida with the nuclear codes, facing impeachment. In four short years the Democrats f**ked up that historic victory. Temper your joy with the knowledge that if they screwed it up then, they can do it now. Deep-clean the oven America’s blue tsunami is likely to be the only good piece of news for a while, so don’t burn through it all today. Breaks of grinding mundanity will help to reset your happiness to its base level, and few things are more effective than chiselling grease out of your cooker. You haven’t touched it since Trump last lost, so it’s nice and filthy. Accept you’re not American Last night’s results are great for Americans, and you’re not one. Yes, you’ll smile at seeing Trump fulminating on the news, but we’ve got our own problems and who governs Michigan isn’t one of them. Any seismic changes are 3,500 miles away. You still live in your shit bedsit, in Aldershot. Check your bank balance Trump losing both House and Senate, not that you’re entirely sure of the difference, has your hands reaching into your pants. Steady on. He could overthrow democracy yet. Restrain yourself from wanking wildly on a street corner by opening your banking app and taking a look at the old balance. You’ll soon be back to safe, familiar despondency.

Unstoppable populist wave ruined by what twats they are

AN all-conquering wave of right-wing populists set to take the West has collapsed after the discovery they are corrupt, incompetent bellends.  The electoral victory of Donald Trump in 2024 was meant to signal a rightward turn for all democracies but has failed to, in large part because of the presidency of Donald Trump. Political commentator Julian Cook said: “Electorates are desperate. They’re willing to try anything, until they get a good look at what they’d be trying and change their minds. “More fool Americans for doing it twice, obviously, but when you conceal that your president is sliding fast into senility there are consequences. As there are when he does it openly at rallies of his supporters, as Trump has now found. “Over here, Labour’s 2024 landslide victory was almost immediately declared irrelevant because Reform were leading in the polls. Which caused voters to have a proper look at Farage, his dodgy £5 million came out and they decided they’d gone off him. “It is somewhat difficult to run a global mass-movement when all the people running it are venal, cash-grabbing weasels who give their criminal mates jobs and break everything. They don’t inspire confidence.” He added: “However, don’t go thinking voters are rational people just on the basis of these results. They’re twats as well.”

How to be an insufferable middle-class family commandeering public transport

TAKING a bus or train? Arrogant enough to assume the entire space belongs to you and your children, should you so wish it? Ignore all established etiquette like this:  Use surprise Those without a deep-rooted sense of entitlement won’t be expecting their tranquility to be shattered by a man with an authoritative tone and his bellowing offspring. Shatter peace, annex tables, inquire sweetly if other passengers wouldn’t mind popping a bit further down. Unnecessary baggage and weaponised iPads can help. Subjugate the hordes By now, the herd will be spooked, nervousness heightened, ripe for compliance. Assert spatial dominance by using your children like sheepdogs to corral them into the bad seats, leaving room for your Stubble & Co backpacks in the aisles. If elderly or infirm passengers steadfastly refuse to vacate the positions, patronise them. Communicate No-one will know of your day visiting niche museums and spreadsheeting vegan pop-ups unless you vociferously communicate your meticulous itinerary to your life-partner standing one metre away. Admonish your boisterous brood by ridiculous name and offer them air-dried damson strips from your community orchard. Remain vigilant Passengers may rebel against your firm hand. Reinforce the silent obedience enforced by your social dominance by regurgitating facts about notable landmarks previously reconnoitred. Leave no gap for anyone chippy to speak. Change the destination Public transport has a pre-determined journey. Ignore this. In a loud, clear voice explain you need to deviate from the planned route because of your children’s advanced educational needs, and because your wife is a coeliac. Threaten the driver’s livelihood if necessary, but nicely. Disembark at your own pace Get off in your own good time, then immediately re-board because a child’s emotional support toys has been left behind. Ask everyone to stand and search their immediate vicinity for a knitted foraged-wool llama named Topaz. The passengers will not find the toy, no matter how many further searches you request, as it is in your pocket. How silly.

Fox News took Trump’s wipeout so badly that at one point it told viewers winning elections is actually a bad thing – 19 clapbacks for the cope

America might have finally come to its senses last night. A blue tidal wave washed over the nation as midterm election results flooded the news networks and each new call resulted in another seat pickup for the Democrats. (Except for Florida, naturally.) Left-leaning news pundits found it liberating. Objective news pundits found it fascinating. And […] The Poke.

Abdul El-Sayed just had the magnificent last laugh on Donald Trump with a presidential takedown that was simply epic

Donald Trump doesn’t like Democrats, obviously, but he really doesn’t like Abdul El-Sayed, the doctor and progressive insurgent who beat Republican Mike Rogers in the Michigan Senate race to become the country’s first Muslim senator. El-Sayed’s opponents, chief among them Trump and JD Vance, ran a frequently Islamophobic campaign against him, often pointing to his […] The Poke.

A grumpy American asked why anyone outside the US should care about their politics and the rest of the world was only too happy to help

It’s been a big day for American politics and a bad, bad day for Donald Trump. The president’s unfortunate/hilarious electoral drubbing (delete according to taste) has naturally made headlines all over the world. And yet this particular American just couldn’t understand (or very possibly pretended not to understand) why anyone outside the US should care […] The Poke.

Someone asked about the ‘most amusing misheard lyrics’ people ever heard – 23 proper eye-openers

Have you ever come across the word ‘mondegreen’? It means to mishear or misinterpret a lyric or phrase that changes the meaning, often with amusing results. They’ve been sharing their favourite examples of this phenomenon on the AskUK subreddit after Honest-Possible6596 posted this corker… ‘What are your most amusing misheard lyrics? ‘Doing a spot of […] The Poke.

Sore loser Dem who flipped to Maga days before the midterms gets absolutely obliterated on Twitter for her ridiculous voting day hat

Abdul El-Sayed is the elected Senator of Michigan. But his rise to the top was not without it’s bumps. In addition to the blatant racism and harassment he endured during campaign season, he also had to deal with the epically loud and stupid story of sore loser Haley Stevens. Stevens was El-Sayed’s opponent in the […] The Poke.