The Onion
Neglectful Voter Forced To Fill Out 6 Years’ Worth Of Back Ballots
DENVER—Expressing frustration as poll workers handed him a large stack of election materials, local man Andrew Campbell was reportedly forced to fill out six years’ worth of back ballots Tuesday before he could vote in the 2026 midterms. “I guess I have a few races to catch up on,” said a visibly frazzled Campbell, attempting to parse through the substantial backlog of municipal referendums, Democratic primaries, and general elections for which he had previously neglected to make a selection. “At this rate, I’m going to be here for hours filling out all the bubbles. Who are these people? I don’t recognize a single candidate for city comptroller on any of these forms. Oh, ‘Hickenlooper’ sounds familiar. Let’s go with him for a bunch of answers. ‘No’ on the 2024 measure to allow the regional transport authority to retain and spend revenue, I guess. I think that’s what my opinion was back then. Shoot, this pen is already running out of ink. Wait, Trump or Harris? I could have sworn it was Biden.” At press time, sources confirmed Campbell was still voting on the pile of nearly 700 judicial retention decisions the following morning.
The Onion.
Nation Lines Up In Droves To Humiliate Nate Silver
WASHINGTON—In a united effort to fulfill their patriotic duty as Americans, the nation’s voters reportedly lined up in droves Tuesday to humiliate Nate Silver. “Little fuck thinks he’s so smart—I’ll show him,” said D.C. resident Jon Everett, one of 174 million registered voters who eagerly waited outside their polling places for the chance to make their voices heard and wipe the shit-eating grin off the founder and former editor-in-chief of FiveThirtyEight’s face. “As an American, it’s my civic responsibility to knock that smug asshole down a few pegs. He probably thinks he’s going to go on his little podcast tomorrow and talk all about how he correctly forecast the midterms. Well, think again, motherfucker.” Several states reported record-breaking numbers of same-day voter registrations Tuesday in what is believed to be part of a last-minute, nationwide push to drive Silver to suicide.
The Onion.
Tips For Moving Abroad
Figuring out how to leave the United States and set up your life in another country can be complicated, confusing, and time-consuming. The Onion shares tips for moving abroad.
Start by moving to an adjacent country and gradually work your way across the world.
You never know which countries have food, so eat a good meal before you go.
Learn as much as you possibly can about Tanzanian culture before moving, especially if you’re moving to Tanzania.
Before booking your children’s flights, consider if it’s more cost effective to purchase new children upon arrival.
Only pack the necessities: two cans of sardines, a corncob pipe, and a harmonica.
Throw away all your electronics, as there’s no way to plug them in anywhere else.
Get a sense of your purchasing power by converting your dollars to kilometers.
Connect with fellow expats who can help explain what a terrible mistake you’ve made.
The Onion.
Haley Stevens Threatens To Endorse One Republican Every Hour Until Demands Met
DETROIT—As she warned that time was rapidly running out for candidates in her party to do the right thing, Rep. Haley Stevens (D-MI) threatened this week to endorse a Republican every hour until her demands were met. “It’s almost 1 p.m., which means my fellow Democrats have just a few more minutes to throw their full, unequivocal support behind Israel—ticktock,” a wild-eyed Stevens said in a live-streamed video, adding that her recent endorsement of Republican Mike Rogers in Michigan’s U.S. Senate race should serve as more than enough proof that she was not bluffing and absolutely should not be tested. “Just a couple of seconds to go now. All right then, I am officially backing Republican Darline Graham for Senate in South Carolina, and I am just getting started. If you think Michele Tafoya or Vivek Ramaswamy are off the table, then you have no idea what I’m capable of. So what the fuck’s it gonna be, my Democratic colleagues?” At press time, Stevens was recording herself outside an event in Texas for U.S. Senate candidate Ken Paxton and had begun to count down from 10.
The Onion.
Sports Betting By The Numbers
With the recent explosion of sportsbooks and prediction markets, interest in gambling on sports has never been higher. The Onion looks at the figures behind the boom in sports betting.
$140,000
Parlay winnings if the basketball catches fire, then it rains inside, then the wet basketball is slam dunked by Nikola Jokić
2
New sports cars in referee’s garage
168
Times the TV made Daddy cry
19
States allowing “DraftKings” as reason for divorce
2.7 liters
Volume of blood plasma sitting unsold in your body
65 MPH
Average speed of remote control whipped into the wall
3
Minutes of conversation this buys you with your daughter’s boyfriend
All of it…ALL OF IT!!!
Amount that’s gone
The Onion.
ClickHole
The End Of Fare Evasion: NYC’s Subway Fare Gates Have Been Replaced By A Little Guy Who Bites You If You Don’t Pay
The era of hopping turnstiles is officially over in the Big Apple, because the MTA just fixed the problem of fare evasion once and for all: NYC’s subway fare gates have been replaced by a little guy who bites you if you don’t pay.
Wow. If a small biting man doesn’t deter fare evaders, truly nothing will!
As of today, New York has removed fare gates from all MTA subway stops throughout the city and replaced them with a little man, who will bite anyone that tries to access the subway without paying, regardless of the fare evader’s age, race, or gender. In a statement announcing the new fare evasion policy, NYC Mayor Zohran Mamdani emphasized that “every subway rider’s fare is important for funding subway maintenance” and that “once the little guy bites a fare evader, he will not let go until the fare has been collected.”
“We’re confident a small man who bites will be a more effective, cost-efficient way to collect New York subway fare than traditional gates and turnstiles,” wrote Mayor Mamdani in the statement. “Even if fare evaders make it onto a train before the little guy can bite them, the little guy will be waiting for them at the next stop, where he will sprint into the subway car as soon as the doors open and clamp his down on the fat of the fare evader’s thigh until they present the $3.00 they should have paid in the first place. While testing the small biting man system, those who were bit say his bite was similar to that of a horse, with teeth not sharp enough to draw blood, but an amount of biting pressure painful enough to teach them a lesson.”
According to Mamdani, the city is hiring one little guy for each of New York’s 472 subway stations, and they are set to receive “an entry-level salary of $91,000 to bite turnstile hoppers, a small tradeoff to save the city billions in fare evasion over the next decade.”
Absolutely brilliant. Hats off to Mayor Mamdani and the MTA for devising such an elegant solution to one of NYC’s longest-standing issues. Everyone who criticized Mamdani’s push for free buses is eating crow now that NY will be collecting billions in fare that would’ve been lost without his small biting guys. The greatest city in the world just got even greater!
Yikes: President Trump’s Latest Plan To Fix Obamacare Is For Everyone To Get A Nurse Friend They Can Text Pictures Of Their Weird Rashes To
As the Trump administration continues scaling back the Affordable Care Act, the cuts to Obamacare leave many low income individuals wondering what to do for healthcare. Sadly, President Trump’s newest roadmap for them isn’t exactly well thought-out: Trump’s latest plan to fix Obamacare is for everyone to get a nurse friend they can text pictures of their weird rashes to.
Woof. Well it’s better than nothing, we guess?
As a White House spokesperson explained at a press conference earlier today, “Starting early 2027, it’s recommended that anyone who has been denied for health insurance instead befriend a nurse they can casually send pictures of their rashes to, a service which will be no-to-low cost.” The spokesperson continued to explain that the nurse will be able to tell if it’s just some random hives that needs a little cortisone or if it’s seriously infected MRSA.
“As long as you don’t annoy the nurse friend too much—like definitely don’t just send her a standard mosquito bite, save this for when you really need it—she will likely continue to do this for you forever, so it’s actually even better than a healthcare plan, which often changes year-to-year,” added the spokesperson. “And you can also text her about other stuff, cancer, diabetes, et cetera, so that’s good too.”
The White House then declined to answer any questions about what will happen if the nurse friend suggests you do need actual medical care for the rash, cancer, diabetes, or anything else.
Yikes. This definitely isn’t going to be that reassuring for any Americans who’ll be kicked off their health insurance plans soon, but it seems like their only option is to go hang around a hospital parking lot and try making friends with a nurse.
Pathetic: FBI Director Kash Patel Is Trying To Play Off The Human Centipede He Was Surgically Added To As A Halloween Costume
Between a never-ending stream of bizarre media appearances and internal complaints about his excessive drinking, FBI Director Kash Patel is steadily eroding confidence in our country’s federal law enforcement. However, just when you thought he’d brought enough shame to the FBI, he does this: Kash Patel is trying to play off the human centipede he was surgically added to as a Halloween costume.
It really doesn’t get more pathetic than this. How can anyone take the FBI seriously when it’s run by someone attached to a literal human centipede?!
Yesterday, FBI Director Kash Patel arrived to a press conference with his mouth sewn to the anus of an unidentified woman, and his anus sewn to mouth of an unidentified man, which a spokesperson for the FBI claimed was part of Patel’s elaborate “Halloween costume.” Patel was accompanied by 12 other strangers in total, all surgically sewn together orifice-to-orifice into a human centipede, with Patel serving as the center link in the chain of nude, wailing people. Unable to answer a reporter’s question about the FBI’s unconstitutional probes of anti-ICE protestors, Patel instead scribbled “i cant wait for halloween” on a legal pad through tears, visibly suffering as the person whose anus his mouth was sewn to began to pass a heavy bowel movement into Patel.
According to sources, a number of FBI employees were caught off-guard and dismayed by Patel’s “viscerally upsetting” press appearance, expressing outrage that “the people attached to Patel’s mouth and anus were non-FBI personnel, meaning people with zero security clearance are now privy to sensitive information concerning active investigations.”
“It’s beyond unprofessional for the acting FBI Director to wear a Halloween costume on the job, so that would be a poor excuse for conducting FBI business from the center of a human centipede even if it were true—which it clearly isn’t,” said an Executive Assistant Director at the bureau, speaking on the condition of anonymity. “To wind up in a human centipede and then blatantly lie about it just to save face speaks volumes about Kash Patel’s character. In my 20 years at the bureau, I’ve never seen leadership undermine itself in such reckless, demoralizing fashion.”
Just pitiful. Mr. Patel has single-handedly turned the FBI into a national laughingstock.
President Trump needs to replace Kash Patel ASAP if he cares about the FBI maintaining a shred of integrity––that is, if this distraction hasn’t destroyed it entirely. Showing up to work naked, weeping, and sewn ass-to-mouth with a dozen strangers would get you fired from most other jobs, but apparently not in the Trump administration. America is so screwed, isn’t it? Ugh.
A Total Toss-Up: It’s Impossible To Tell Whether Everyone In This Small Town Bar Is Dressed For Halloween Or That’s Just What People Look Like There
Folks, we can’t make heads or tails of this. There’s an absolute headscratcher of a situation going on with this upstate New York dive: It’s impossible to tell whether everyone in this small town bar is dressed for Halloween, or that’s just what people look like there.
Either these people are in Halloween costumes, or they look that way all the time, and both answers have an equal likelihood of being true. This is a true coin flip.
With outfits and demeanors ranging from eccentric to downright frightening, no one could be faulted for assuming that the clientele of Knoxie’s Pub in Lafayette, NY went all out for Halloween, or that the area simply fosters a socioeconomic class of people who always look like that. From the three greasy, cackling men in flannels who could easily be doing a three-person group costume referencing Deliverance, to the nurse with conspicuous cleavage and too much makeup flirting with an eye-patched man in a fisherman’s slicker, it’s a total toss-up whether these people came straight from work or Party City.
To the naked eye, every bargoer in Knoxie’s Pub exists in the razor-thin margin between real-life archetypes and Halloween costume stereotypes. There are only two places where you’ll see genuine hippies in Baja hoodies and dreadlocks drinking alongside bandana-wearing, mustached bikers: a Halloween party, or an upstate New York dive bar. Knoxie’s Pub seems to be a genuine liminal space separating the two, because there is no telling if this is what the regulars look like on any given day, or just on October 31st.
There’s literally an old man with yellow-y skin and a bolo tie–who, if he isn’t dressed as Grandpa Simpson, needs to go to a hospital, because he’s clearly dying of liver disease or something–getting ejected by a bouncer wearing Stone Cold Steve Austin-style jeans and leather vest. It is a complete enigma.
Halloween, and just any other night at this pub…what’s the difference? Your guess is as good as ours.
Until someone goes into this bar and asks, the question of whether these people love Halloween or their natural appearance just serves as Halloween costume inspo will remain a complete mystery. Festive or not, cheers to the people of Knoxie’s Pub for looking like that, whatever the reason may be!
Abuse Of Power: An Investigation Found That Zohran Mamdani Has Been Quietly Using NYC Street Sweepers To Clean His Personal Home
NYC Mayor Zohran Mamdani’s socialist views may be polarizing, but not even his biggest critics can point to corruption as a concern about his first term in office—at least, not yet. Unfortunately, a new scandal threatens to derail all the goodwill he’s accumulated so far: An investigation has found that Mayor Mamdani has been quietly using NYC street sweepers to clean his personal home.
What a horrible look for Mayor Mamdani. The bar for politicians was in hell, and it just got a little lower. Ugh.
According to a New York Post investigation published today, Mayor Zohran Mamdani allegedly made backdoor deals with the Department Of Sanitation to have city-owned street sweepers clean his personal residence at Gracie Mansion. The report found that soon after taking office in January 2026, Mamdani privately redirected weekly street sweeper routes to collect litter from his bedroom, living room, kitchen, and bathrooms – personal spaces where the mayor is not subject to the same alternate side parking rules and enforcement that New Yorkers are on all other public street cleaning routes.
Sources say say the mayor’s first course of action upon moving into Gracie Mansion was to construct a “private, street sweeper-sized entrance” on the back of the home, and “renovate all staircases into street sweeper-accommodating ramps” that would allow the street cleaning vehicles to sweep the entire house and return to the street with discretion.
When asked for comment, Mayor Mamdani agreed to a phone call with New York Post reporters after returning home from City Hall for the night, but his response to the allegations was “completely inaudible over the deafening clamor of street sweepers.”
Just unbelievably disappointing. Turns out Zohran Mamdani is no less crooked than Eric Adams.
It’s no wonder Mamdani gets along with President Trump so well, since they both can’t help but abuse the power Americans entrusted to them. We truly never fathomed that Mayor Mamdani would stoop to using a taxpayer-funded street sweeper for personal cleaning purposes, but here we are. Sigh. New York deserves so much better.
Duffel Blog
Hegseth wears Eisenhower's globe as Halloween costume
THE PENTAGON — Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth won the Pentagon's annual Halloween costume contest Friday after dressing as a globe once owned by Gen. Dwight D. Eisenhower, transforming a priceless military artifact recently damaged by his staff into what aides described as a powerful statement of American military leadership.The costume, dubbed "Pete the Planet," featured the 30-inch globe with a large hole around Antarctica through which Hegseth could insert his body."Most people see a broken globe," Hegseth reportedly told partygoers. "I see an opportunity to make the world great again."The idea came after members of Hegseth's staff accidentally dropped the historic globe while attempting to move it into his office earlier this year. The collision punched a hole through Antarctica and detached the priceless artifact from its mount.Rather than wait for professional conservators to repair the globe, Hegseth reportedly ordered his staff to enlarge the opening so he could fit inside."We spend billions defending those fucking penguins, and what have they ever done for us?" Hegseth asked.Additional holes were cut through Greenland, Canada, most NATO countries and Taiwan to accommodate the secretary's arms and allow him to flex his biceps during conversations with foreign military attachés.Aides said they were careful to avoid damaging counties among some of America's closest allies since January 2025, such as Russia, China, and North Korea."Secretary Hegseth believes in maintaining strong relationships with countries that understand strength," one official explained. "Eisenhower was a great general, but he wasted a lot of time building alliances with weak-ass European nations."Ukraine was initially marked for removal, but Hegseth instead attached a miniature blinking Starlink satellite over the country."He likes being able to switch it on and off," one aide said. "It makes him feel like he's controlling the war."
Spirit Halloween store to become pop-up ICE detention center
TUSCALOOSA, Ala. — A former PetSmart that recently became a Spirit Halloween store will undergo another transformation next month when Immigration and Customs Enforcement converts the vacant retail space into a temporary detention center.The announcement marks the third tenant in six months for the struggling strip mall, whose remaining businesses include a sandwich shop closed for health violations and an Armed Forces Recruiting Center."We really thought Spirit Halloween was going to bring some stability to the neighborhood," said cashier Amanda Miller. "But apparently four and a half weeks is a long-term commitment now."The conversion is part of a new DHS initiative to establish detention facilities in vacant retail properties, allowing ICE to rapidly relocate detainees into buildings that were never intended to hold human beings."Spirit Halloween has perfected this model," said one ICE contracting official. "Find an abandoned building, move in practically overnight, scare the shit out of everybody and disappear before anyone figures out what happened."Officials said the agency was particularly impressed by Spirit Halloween's ability to operate without permanent infrastructure, experienced personnel or any apparent obligation to remain in one location."It's basically our existing detention strategy, but with better signage."Contractors said converting the former costume store would require minimal renovations."We're putting two portable toilets on the sales floor, installing some temporary fencing, and adding air conditioning to the manager's office," one contractor said. "The building already has kennels from when it was a PetSmart, so that's a huge savings."The air conditioning will be reserved for ICE personnel.DHS emphasized that the facility is not a prison, since prisons are required to meet substantially more demanding standards.Several Halloween decorations will remain in place to reduce costs. Officials said the animatronic skeletons, flickering lights, and prerecorded screams would help discourage detainees from attempting to escape."Honestly, the fake chains hanging from the ceiling are a nice touch," said one agent. "We were going to install real ones, but procurement said the funding wasn't there."The agency also plans to retain the store's original customer-service desk, which will serve as the facility's legal assistance office.A sign reading NO REFUNDS OR EXCHANGES will remain posted above the counter.Local officials welcomed the development, predicting that the temporary detention center would bring jobs and renewed economic activity to the strip mall."We're talking about seasonal employment, security contracts and potentially dozens of federal agents buying energy drinks," said one county official. "That's economic development."Applications have reportedly surged among local airsoft enthusiasts, former security guards, and men who once attended military boot camp before being sent home for reasons they prefer not to discuss."I've wanted to serve my country for years," said newly-hired agent Roscoe Williams, adjusting a tactical vest he'd purchased at the Halloween store. "They told me I couldn't be a cop, but apparently this is different."Williams said his previous law enforcement application had been rejected following a domestic violence complaint.DHS officials said the facility would close when its short-term lease expires, after which detainees would be transferred to another location."That's the beauty of the model," one official explained. "By the time the lawyers figure out where everybody went, we've already opened somewhere else."Spirit Halloween employees expressed disappointment but said they understood the business decision."We specialize in making abandoned places terrifying for a few weeks," Miller said. "I guess ICE just found a way to do it year-round."At press time, Spirit Halloween's going-out-of-business sale had completely sold out of military uniforms, tactical vests, and fake police badges.The remaining merchandise consisted of three witches' hats, a plastic skeleton, and a costume labeled ACCOUNTABLE GOVERNMENT OFFICIAL, which had never been removed from its original packaging.
Army FRG unveils haunted house featuring spouses saying ‘I’m fine’
FORT BRAGG, N.C. — The 82nd Airborne Division's Soldier and Family Readiness Group has unveiled a new Halloween haunted house featuring some of the most terrifying scenarios in military life, including missed anniversaries, mandatory volunteer opportunities and spouses quietly insisting that everything is fine."We wanted something that would genuinely frighten our soldiers," said event organizer Amanda Collins. "After reviewing the usual haunted house stuff — ghosts, zombies, chainsaws — we realized none of that compares to coming home and hearing your wife say, 'We need to talk.'"The attraction begins in a dimly lit living room decorated for Christmas. A soldier enters to find an undecorated tree, unopened presents and a spouse sitting silently on the couch.How was your day?" the soldier asks."Fine," the spouse replies.When the soldier asks whether something is wrong, the spouse responds, "Nothing."Visitors are then required to identify what they did wrong before being permitted to leave. So far, no participant has successfully completed the room.The next attraction, the Mandatory Fun Maze, features an enthusiastic FRG volunteer armed with a clipboard and a list of upcoming family events."We'd love your help with the bake sale," she tells visitors.Soldiers who decline are informed that participation is completely voluntary and asked why they don't care about supporting the unit.Those who agree are immediately assigned three dozen cupcakes, two car washes, and responsibility for organizing the commander's holiday party.Several soldiers reportedly remain trapped inside.The Permanent Change of Station Labyrinth features hundreds of moving boxes, missing household goods and a spouse sitting in an empty kitchen."Did you remember to schedule the movers?" she asks.When visitors respond that transportation said everything was taken care of, she smiles."That's fine."The room then goes completely dark.
Hasan execution venue double-booked with Comic-Con
FORT HOOD, Texas — Army officials preparing for the December execution of convicted Fort Hood shooter Nidal Hasan have discovered that the venue was also booked for a local comic book convention, raising concerns that the military's first execution in 65 years may have to share space with several hundred costumed enthusiasts.The scheduling conflict emerged during an advance site survey, when soldiers found the Lone Star Conference Center already reserved for a Comic-Con-style convention featuring celebrity autographs, collectible merchandise and a competitive cosplay contest."We've got a serious problem," said one installation official. "Both events have paid their deposits, and neither one wants to move."Junior soldiers assigned to support the execution initially expressed little enthusiasm for the mission."Watching some old guy get shot for something that happened before I was born? Pretty cringe," said one private. "But watching it happen surrounded by stormtroopers and Spider-Man? That's actually kind of sick."Others remained critical of the venue."It's a horrible thing what he did, but this is Fort Hood," said one soldier dressed as Howard the Duck. "Between first sergeants murdering their wives, barracks gangs, and bodies turning up behind range control, do we really need to kill another person here on purpose? Can't we move this somewhere nicer, like Lackland?"Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth reportedly rejected proposals to relocate the execution, saying the Army had already invested considerable resources in planning the event."We've got security, transportation, rehearsals, a seating chart and a commemorative challenge coin," Hegseth said. "We're not throwing that away because a bunch of nerds want to dress like fictional soldiers."The convention organizers were equally unwilling to compromise.
Trump announces sale of Patriot missiles to Russia
WASHINGTON — President Donald Trump announced this week that he had secured a "blockbuster deal" to sell Patriot missile systems to Russia, calling the agreement a historic victory for American manufacturing and international peace."This is a great day for America and for Russia," Trump said. "We're selling them beautiful American missiles. The best missiles. And they're going to use them to defend themselves against Ukraine, which, frankly, has been attacking Russia for a very long time."The deal comes amid ongoing negotiations to sell stealth fighter jets to China and follows a separate agreement to provide North Korea with artillery targeting information on South Korean positions.RTX officials praised the agreement, noting that selling missile-defense systems to both sides of an armed conflict could establish a sustainable long-term business model."Historically, we've had to depend on one side running out of weapons," one company executive said. "Now we can sell one country missiles, sell the other country interceptors, and repeat indefinitely."A White House fact sheet explained that existing restrictions would be waived to permit billions of dollars in American-made air-defense weapons to be sold to Moscow.Deliveries will be expedited ahead of previously scheduled shipments to NATO allies, including Poland, whose military has complained about delays in receiving Patriot interceptors."Poland already has Patriots," Trump said. "Very greedy people. Russia doesn't have any American Patriots. Very unfair."Pentagon officials confirmed that Ukrainian requests for additional Patriot interceptors would be reviewed after Russia's deliveries were completed. Officials also said Ukraine would be charged an additional 35% tariff on any American weapons used to destroy American weapons recently sold to Russia."These are defensive weapons," one official explained. "If Ukraine stops attacking Russia, Russia won't need as many of them. It's a pretty straightforward path to peace."Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskyy expressed confusion over the arrangement, asking why American weapons intended to defend Ukraine were instead being sold to the country invading it.Trump dismissed the complaint."Zelenskyy is always asking for missiles. Never says thank you. Very bad for Ukraine," Trump said. "Putin is actually buying them. You tell me who's the better customer."At a joint press conference, Russian President Vladimir Putin thanked Trump for recognizing Russia's legitimate security concerns."These systems will help protect Russian territory from continued Ukrainian aggression," Putin said.Asked whether that included Ukrainian territory currently occupied by Russian forces, Putin said the missiles would defend "all Russian territory, including territory that is not Russian yet."
Daily Mash
Americans share adorable photos of guns at polling stations
AS they head to vote in midterm elections, Americans have indulged in their tradition of sharing pictures of their darling guns at polling stations.
With voting underway, Americans are celebrating the lighter side of electoral democracy by snapping pictures of their beloved guns at polling stations to post on social media.
Nikki Hollis of Nashville said: “Our country’s so divided right now. Carrying a deadly firearm to polling stations is a way of reclaiming some much-needed whimsy.
“I decided to bring along my Glock 19. She’s nickel-plated with Cerakote grips, and voters from across the political spectrum have come up to stroke her glossy casing. And judging by how the rounds rattle in her magazine, she loves the attention!
“Photos of her charming little barrel should do numbers on X and Instagram. Especially if I capture her frolicking with the Springfield Hellcat my neighbour Rick who works for ICE brought along. They’re so cute together!”
Norman Steele of Little Rock, Arkansas, said: “I made sure to photo my Remington 870 by the polling booth sign. That way everyone knows I care about democracy and I’m a gun-loving lunatic.
“It probably looks a bit twee and silly to you Brits, but that’s how we feel about the Royal family.”
Dictionaries beg sensible older people to invent some words
THE Collins English Dictionary has admitted it was forced to include ‘mogging’ in its new edition because rational older users of language do not make up enough bullshit.
‘Mogging’, a phrase used online by teenage knobheads about the micro-celebrities they moronically worship via TikTok reels, entered the dictionary because the over-45s refuse to coin new phrases about their experiences like masturbating while suffering from sciatica.
Dictionary editor Denys Finch Hatton said: “You think I wanted to put ‘mogging’ in there? Between perfectly decent definitions of ‘modus vivendi’ and ‘mogul’?
“F**k no. But I had no choice, because feral teenagers refuse to look up real words like ‘outshining’ and just make their own shite up, then everyone’s using it and the Guardian’s done a wry little piece about it and it’s become an actual word.
“You don’t help. Our older readers need to start coming up with names for stuff. The feeling of entering the kitchen full of purpose with no idea what you went in for? Of sadness as you contemplate your weak, dribbly urine stream?
“Think of words for the mid-sex break to catch your breath, or having nothing to talk about with old friends because you’re not on the same streaming services, or a Hinge date where she already hates you because you’re divorced. I promise we’ll print them.”
Martin Bishop, aged 55, said: “I thought of a great word for when you finally track down a rare house music 12-inch then go to your shelves and realise you already bought it nine months ago. But I forgot it. And I don’t really talk to anyone anyway.”
Martha Stewart, and six other US stars who do not translate
MARTHA Stewart is in the news, and once again Britons are unable to fathom why because she has no equivalent in the UK. These also failed to cross the Atlantic:
Ryan Seacrest
He’s been famous for three decades over there, presenting American Idol, running some form of charity, having somewhat prominent hair. Over here? Nobody has a clue who he is. You couldn’t even guess. If a friend said they’d met Ryan Seacrest, your response would be ‘Seacrest? Are you trying to say wave?’
Martha Stewart
Occupies some nexus of cookery, home arrangement, lifestyle and brands that simply doesn’t exist. Imagine crossing Delia Smith, Victoria Beckham and Kirsty Allsopp and you’re still not close. Shame, because she’s always being sent to prison and incongrously enjoying post-rock gigs in a way that would be fun to savour if she mattered.
Kelly Clarkson
We understand her as a former pop star whose Christmas hit Underneath The Tree will soon get its rusty hooks into your cerebellum and refuse to let go, but as host of a daily daytime talk show? Where she sings cover versions? And has big stroppy fits about magic shops not selling her mechanical birds? You could believe this if it was North Korean TV.
Jimmy Kimmel
Or Jimmy Fallon, or Seth Meyers, or Jay Leno, or Johnny Carson, or any of the hosts of TV shows broadcast at 11.30pm when British TV is showing thrillers from 1994. Apparent household names on shows past bedtime, with guests who are nobodies, mystifying running jokes and commercial breaks every 75 seconds. It makes no sense.
Guy Fieri
A celebrity chef – okay, we do those, with you so far – with bleached hair, sunglasses, bling chains, who shouts about food on the Food Network while running restaurants that are widely hated and usually close down. In some strange alchemy no rational British mind could understand this has made him famous and rich.
Octomom
Woman who gave birth to octuplets, which would make you famous over here. But she had them all implanted by IVF by a doctor who was struck off and has then gone through the standard sequence of reality TV, divorce, rehab, exotic dancing, bankruptcy, and plastic surgery. Be glad we only get Bargain Hunt.
Donald Trump
Millionaire who became famous by being an obnoxious millionaire, not even making a shit phone that does email like our own Alan Sugar. Somehow remained famous despite his businesses failing, then ran for president on the most-unqualified-ever-candidate ticket and won, twice. We will never comprehend why. Soon we’ll be able to forget.
Men only fancy skinny women who love food, they confirm
ONLY women who eat junk food without compunction while remaining thin are viable sexual partners, men have outlined.
Men aged 18 to 45 believe the ideal partner is one who can demolish a large pizza, drink four pints and order dessert without a moment’s hesitation, provided none of it ever shows in her thighs.
Jack Browne, aged 30, said: “I can’t stand women who order a salad. It’s so boring. I want a chill girl who isn’t afraid of a proper feed. Though obviously not fat.
“She shouldn’t be obsessed with the gym either. That’s vain and high maintenance. So the body of a Pilates instructor without ever mentioning Pilates or doing it.
“There’s nothing worse than a woman who’s forever counting calories. Other than chubby chicks. Diets are boring, though if my girlfriend dares be a size 14. I’ll develop an encyclopaedic knowledge of cardiovascular fitness and the benefits of intermittent fasting.
“My last girlfriend asked if she was allowed to eat the burger or just had to pretend to then throw it in the bin. Exactly the sort of overthinking I can’t stand. Just relax, have a laugh and eat what you want. No, not the chips.”
Joshua Hudson of Leatherhead said: “While I like a girl with a bit of meat on her, and that’s not any less creepy and off-putting.”
From martial law to filling a nappy: Trump’s possible responses to the midterms
TRUMP’S Republicans face disaster in today’s elections, and last time that happened he denied it, a lot, until friends stormed the Capitol. What will he do this time?
Declare martial law
An insane move, but also: why not? American generals just seem to do what Trump wants and the freedom-obsessed militias pussied out last time. The US media would deliver stern to-camera lectures saying military dictatorship is bad, but that would be about it. And he could finally execute Hillary.
Talk about something random
Last night, on the eve of a crucial election, he talked about algae in the reflecting pool. As his party crumbles around him, maybe coyotes? Or just passing basic cognitive tests again? Still, if you’re able to recognise a giraffe from a picture, wouldn’t you boast about it?
Ineffectually bomb Iran
Bombing Pickaxe Mountain will achieve nothing, but it’s a distraction. Then Trump will claim to have completely wiped out Iran’s military. He’s said this 106 times to date, so really he should be targeting the morgues where Iran’s soldiers spring back to life like Michael Myers post-credits in a Halloween film.
Say something sexually disconcerting
The fixation on male bottoms is strange, but not in the league of ‘I’d bang my hot daughter’. He could describe being sodomised by a big strong fireman while putting on ecstatic facial expressions for several minutes as a MAGA crowd desperately tell themselves they love this, it’s what they voted for, it’s saving America.
Lie about the result
Guaranteed; the only question is how ridiculous the lies will be. We may learn that the Republicans have won all 535 seats in Congress. We may hear they won twice that. The evidence will be ‘people are saying’. An investigation will find no proof and Trump will move on to discussing the ‘beautiful’ carpet adhesive used in his White House ballroom.
Blame Biden
Biden once had high gas prices and failed to destroy Iran for no reason, so is entirely responsible for Trump’s current woes. Makes total sense to MAGA. Expect to see them in ‘BIDEN LOST THE MIDTERMS 2026’ baseball caps shortly.
Filling a nappy
When defeat becomes inevitable, Trump will evacuate his bowels. Partly in fear of the coming investigations, partly habit. A crushing defeat accompanied by the stench of faeces will be a truly grim experience. Natalie Harp will roll her sleeves up.
The Poke
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Americans are applauding this Brit reporter’s verdict on the state of Donald Trump’s disintegrating presidency and he absolutely nails it
Donald Trump’s final appeal to voters ahead of the crucial midterm elections was at best unconventional and at worst, totally and utterly hatstand. That he chose to make it about his Reflecting Pool vanity project rather than anything to do with a single thing that voters actually care about didn’t speak volumes, it bellowed them. […]
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