About 3,800 workers at one of the nation’s largest meatpacking plants began striking in Colorado, the first walkout at a U.S. beef slaughterhouse in four decades, with the work stoppage following accusations that the company retaliated against employees and committed other unfair labor practices during contract negotiations. What do you think?

“I don’t care how you’re being treated, nobody gets in between me and my offal.”

Geoff Vandenberg, Computer Duster

---

“As usual, when humans fight it’s the cows who win.”

Felecia Rutter, Belt Assembler

---

“I guess I can eat pork until this works itself out.”

Bobby Mincey, Mug Glazer

The post 3,800 Workers Strike At Massive Meatpacking Plant appeared first on The Onion.

LOS ANGELES—Claiming it was the only place he wanted to go after receiving one of Hollywood’s highest honors, Academy Award winner for Best Live Action Short Film Jack Piatt celebrated Tuesday by taking his Oscar to his In-N-Out shift. “When I heard our film get called, there was no question in my mind—I was going to hop in my car and go straight to the In-N-Out Burger on Sunset so I could clock in,” said Piatt, who after arriving at the popular fast food chain immediately put down his Academy Award, put on an apron, and frantically rushed behind the counter to work the griddle. “Sure, some people in my position would rather go to the Governors Ball or the Vanity Fair afterparty, but I just feel more at home here. Plus, my boss says if I miss another day of work, he’ll fire me. And I’m super behind on rent this month.” At press time, Piatt had reportedly been let go after various fans photographed him holding his statuette and eating a burger with 30 minutes still left in his shift.

The post Live Action Short Film Winner Celebrates By Taking Oscar To In-N-Out Shift appeared first on The Onion.

PIKEVILLE, KY—Speculating that a new path in life might improve his job prospects, unemployed man Ian Hampel, 36, told reporters Tuesday that he was considering going back to school to become an AI. “I can see the writing on the wall: If I want to stay relevant in the workforce, I’m going to need to go back to college and turn into an artificial intelligence,” said Hampel, who had already begun looking into degree programs that could prepare him for work as a large language model or an autonomous agent. “I know pivoting later in life is a risk, but I honestly think I’d be good at predicting the next word in a sequence by processing huge sums of information. Plus, I already hallucinate a lot, and I’ve even convinced a guy to kill himself. Sure, it’s not really my passion. But at the end of the day, the market is the market.” According to reports, Hampel later realized he didn’t need any more schooling to become an erotic AI sexbot.

The post Unemployed Man Considers Going Back To School To Become AI appeared first on The Onion.

DALLAS—Saying the decision had been reached following an extensive internal review of the company’s boarding procedures, Southwest Airlines confirmed Tuesday that passengers would now be assigned chores ahead of time. “There has always been a degree of chaos around passengers having to choose right as they’re boarding how they’re going to help keep the plane tidy,” said Southwest representative Martin Nieman, explaining that the airline hoped to streamline the task allocation process by randomly appointing responsibilities at the time of check-in. “For instance, everyone in row 18 might now be in charge of trash on this flight, while those in the fire exit rows will push the beverage cart. Chore assignments will be clearly printed on all boarding passes for ticketed travelers 2 years old and above. Those flying standby may refer to the chore wheels posted at fore and aft of the plane. Of course, you will have the option to pay extra if you want a more comfortable job.” Nieman asked flyers frustrated about being on bathroom duty to be patient, stressing that everyone who flew with Southwest would have to take on the unpleasant task eventually.

The post Southwest Airlines Begins Assigning Chores appeared first on The Onion.

BURLINGTON, VT—Voicing appreciation for the fact that the boy’s morbid obsession was at least getting him to read, local mom Hana Garrett confirmed Tuesday that everything her son Ethan got at the school book fair was about medieval torture again. “Well, that’s another $70 haul of books about breaking convicts on the wheel and dislocating their shoulders by strappado,” said Garrett, adding that the fourth grader was currently winning his school’s competition to read the most books thanks to his endless appetite for accounts of victims being stretched on the rack during the Spanish Inquisition. “I was so sure he was going to branch out and get Holes this time, but he put it back at the last minute and picked a book with a diagram of something called a head crusher. I guess it’s nice that he’s learning some vocabulary with torture implement names like ‘the brazen bull’ and ‘the pear of anguish.’ There’s even some French stuff like ‘oubliette.’ But his teacher did ask for his next book report to be on something that doesn’t involve castration for a change, so maybe I’ll put that one about hanging, drawing, and quartering away until his birthday.” At press time, Garrett reportedly expressed relief after her son finally asked her for a book detailing more modern forms of torture.

The post Everything Son Got At School Book Fair About Medieval Torture Again appeared first on The Onion.

LINCOLN, NE — Local mom Clara Gibbons expressed dismay upon discovering that her children had once again eaten all the groceries that were in the trunk of the family's vehicle before they'd even made it back home.

DANIA BEACH, FL — Spirit Airlines unveiled a new all-duct tape aircraft that is expected to increase the company's profit margins at the expense of customer safety in an effort to appease shareholders.

HADES — Demons happily welcomed 27-year-old Jim Carole to Hell on Tuesday after he was immediately condemned to eternal damnation for texting "LOL" to a close friend when he didn't really laugh out loud.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — With Americans pressing their senators and representatives to take action to secure elections, Senate Majority Leader John Thune vowed to bring the SAVE Act up for a vote as soon as he was sure it wouldn't pass.

SAN FRANCISCO, CA — Just in time for St. Patrick's Day, San Francisco officials spared no expense in dyeing all the poop on the city's sidewalks green.

If you’ve always dreaded being on jury duty because you were worried your judge wouldn’t be able to easily remove your tampon for you from his bench, you’re in luck: Tampax has introduced a tampon with a string long enough for them to do just that! 

Did somebody say GAME CHANGER?!

Tampax’s new Jury Duty line solves a problem that has plagued women since they were universally allowed to sit on juries in 1973: that way-too-short string that makes it practically impossible for the judge to tug your tampon out from all the way up at the bench. Tampax’s new Jury Duty tamps come in 40-foot, 70-foot, and 130-foot string options to choose from depending on the size of your courtroom, each with plenty of slack for the judge to really wrap that puppy around their hand and give that bad boy a yank and send it on its way. 

And they aren’t just for judges either! These strings are long enough that the bailiff, the stenographer, or even the defendant can take your tampon out for you so you can continue to focus on providing a fair trial.

Yep. All it’s going to take to get your tampon removed now during jury duty is a knowing nod and a clear path between you and the judge. This is so, so nice. 

This is one of those products that, when it comes out, you’re shocked that no one thought of it before. There’s almost no reason to buy standard, run-of-the-mill tampons anymore. Sign us up for a Costco bulk box of the 130-foot string version, please!

If your friends live like pigs but are awesome to hang out with, we’ve got great news for you: Hanes has released a line of socks that are already covered in dog hair and little pieces of cereal that you can wear to your friend’s lowkey disgusting house.

Awesome! 

A true tragedy of modern life is that the people who are the most fun to chill with often live like slobs, and so, whenever you’re hanging at their place, your socks get immediately covered with all sorts of crap that barely even comes off when you wash them.  Fortunately, with Disgustings by Hanes, the company’s newest line of socks, you’ll never have to worry about ruining your clean socks ever again, because the socks will come pre-littered with strands of dog hair, gross little burnt crumbs from indecipherable foods, and little pieces of torn paper and envelopes (probably from unpaid bills).

“It’s never made any sense to us why people whose homes are full of trash insist you have to take off your shoes when you visit their house, and yet, that’s just what they do, even though it destroys your nice socks in the process,” said Hanes in a press release. “With our new Disgusting line, you’ll never have to waste time cleaning vague gunk from your tube socks, because your tube socks were already covered in gunk to begin with.”

So much yes!

Shout out to Hanes for seriously changing the game with this one. Tag your disgusting friend below to let them know you’ll be wearing these socks to their house soon!

There’s toxic masculinity, and then there’s this: 

This man’s body has a penis and testicles hanging right off of it. 

This is NOT a good look. 

Devin Reed of Cambridge, Massachusetts might as well be waving a flag that says “I’M TOXIC” on it, because he’s got a penis and testicles that are dangling right down off of his body in the place between his legs where his vagina or small patch of nothing is supposed to be. 

When he’s in public, he tries to hide them with underwear. He tries to hide them with pants. He puts a towel in his lap whenever he gets an erection. 

But none of those things can hide the truth. 

He’s got a penis, and he’s got testicles, and they are DIRECTLY attached to his body, which makes it pretty clear he doesn’t see any problem with having them.

And they are ALWAYS flopping around. 

This man has a wrinkly, hairy scrotum that is FILLED with two egg-sized testicles and a penis, glans and all, draped down over them. We can only imagine what kind of SPERM, URINE, and other toxic male chemicals and waste products are inside of these awful organs. 

YUCK. 

There is simply no room for this kind of thing in today’s society. Full stop. 

But do you want to know the worst part?

There are men (and even women) out there who will applaud this. Celebrate it. Admire it. Young boys will see these penis and testicles and think, “I want those hanging off my body too.” Toxic masculinity is like a virus, and once you’ve got the bug, things like having a penis and testicles RIGHT THERE BETWEEN YOUR LEGS become normalized. 

It’s the media. It’s our culture. It’s pornography. It’s anatomy textbooks. 

But no matter how much you’ve been conditioned, remember: This is NOT normal. 

And this is not OK.

This is amazing: PornHub has just introduced a new feature that will alert a random convenience store cashier in the US anytime you access PornHub. This is going to make the experience of using porn a lot more like it was in the 1980s, when you had to buy your porn from whoever was working behind the register at 7/11. Will this new hurdle help people fight porn addiction, or are you going to keep using PornHub just as much as before? Sound off in the comments!

ARLINGTON, Va. — A local man who says he is “closely monitoring the rapidly evolving situation in Iran” admitted that his analysis largely consists of scrolling through videos posted by attractive Middle Eastern influencers celebrating the death of Ayatollah Ali Khamenei, sources confirmed today.

“I’m just trying to stay informed,” said Kyle McDonough after watching the same dance video of smoking-hot Persian influencer and PhD student Mooné Rahimi for the 37th time while insisting he is keeping tabs on everything happening in and around Iran.

McDonough said his geopolitical interest began after a video appeared in his feed starring influencer Goldie Ghamari.

“She was explaining the historical significance of the moment,” said McDonough a former defense contractor-turned-amateur open source intelligence analyst, replaying the video again. “Also she winked and said ‘freedom for Iran,’ which I think has major implications for regional stability.”

“That wink was for me," he added.

Since then, McDonough told reporters that he's been using LiveUAMap to get real-time updates on the war and definitely not endlessly scrolling through viral thirst trap videos on Instagram Reels and TikTok.

Meanwhile, friends say McDonough has spent the past several days forwarding videos of glamorous Iranian influencers to group chats with captions such as “Important update from Tehran.” He has also expanded his research to include popular “Women of the Israel Defense Force” social media accounts.

“These accounts provide critical regional context,” McDonough explained while watching a video of Israeli OnlyFans model Gal Gool in which she claims to have personally eliminated the Iranian Supreme Leader with what she called “two Israeli missiles" on her chest.

Some Middle East experts believe Western men may be radicalized by the growing influence of online “ji-hotties,” an alliance of Instagram models and TikTokers from Iran, Israel, and the Kurdish Women’s Protection Units. Some fear the content may radicalize Western men into becoming simps and passport bros.

MAR-A-LAGO — The White House announced Monday that President Donald Trump will be awarded the Medal of Honor after becoming the only person in America to successfully locate a Chief Warrant Officer 5.

“I’m no Trump fan,” said military historian Joshua Delano, “but you must give credit where credit is due. I’ve gone through archival records and couldn’t find a single instance where an Army warrant officer has been successfully summoned to a formal ceremony. This is groundbreaking. Entire thesis papers will be written about this at the War College.”

Known as highly specialized technical experts who exist somewhere between enlisted non-commissioned officers and commissioned officers, warrant officers have long been known for their deep love of rich black coffee and a legendary ability to disappear without a trace, often not being seen or heard from for days or weeks at a time.

Warrant officers are particularly known for their natural aversion to all things ceremonial. Defense officials say they instinctively vanish when confronted with promotion ceremonies, change-of-command ceremonies, morning accountability formations, or anything related to physical training. Even more perplexing, many warrant officers appear to be in excellent physical condition despite there being no eyewitness accounts of them actually exerting themselves.

When they are present in the workplace, warrant officers are known for a skill many have likened to a Jedi mind trick — the ability to be present, perform no visible work, yet still receive accolades for their technical expertise. A senior defense official called the phenomenon “mystifying.”

MIDDLE EAST — After a squad of irregular Iranian fighters breached the perimeter of his base in the region, Marine Cpl. Brian McVeigh heroically dove on a grenade to save the Dow Jones Industrial Average from falling below 50,000, sources confirmed today.

“As Marines, this is what we train for,” Marine Corps Commandant Gen. Eric Smith said. “You never know when you might have to put your life on the line to protect quarterly corporate earning reports.”

Squad mates said they heard McVeigh yell “Thirteen percent year-over-year growth!” just before he flung his battered body onto the high explosive in a last-ditch effort to shield the benchmark index. 

“McVeigh always said it was about the 401(k) returns of the guy to your left and right,” his platoon sergeant, Staff Sgt. Nicholas Romero, said. “If I had known he was brave enough to live up to his words, I would have maxed out my Thrift Savings Plan years ago.”

Unfortunately for McVeigh, his unit had no internet access for over a week due to operational security concerns, and the Dow had fallen far below 50,000 days before he risked life and limb to preserve it. But even the threat of short-term portfolio losses wouldn’t temper his courage, his comrades said.

“I don’t think he would have done it any differently if he had known,” Romero said. “That’s just the kind of Marine he is. Always thinking about the markets.”

McVeigh was severely wounded by the blast but survived. Initial indications from leadership are that he likely will not receive a Purple Heart or Combat Action Ribbon because “it’s not a war, just a limited combat operation.”

“Marines don’t do it for the medals, we do it for love of the game,” Smith said. “I just wish he could have done it a few months ago before I lost a shitload of money on Oracle call options.”

At press time, the Department of Veterans Affairs had decided McVeigh would not be awarded a disability rating because the eye and three limbs he lost were determined not to be service-connected. 

WASHINGTON — President Donald Trump has promised to sacrifice as many American soldiers as it takes to distract from the Epstein files, sources confirmed today.

In a solemn address from the Oval Office, the president honored the sacrifices of those who have died in an unnecessary and unconstitutional war with Iran he began in February while demonstrating the strength of his resolve in seeing the conflict through until people lose interest in the fact that he is mentioned thousands of times in the documents.

"We send our immense love and eternal gratitude to the families of the fallen," Trump said before dozing off momentarily. "And sadly, there will likely be more before it ends. That's the way it is. There might even be a lot more. Who knows? It's really up to the people talking about Epstein. You know, this could be over very quickly, nobody else needs to die. They just need to do a good thing and stop asking for any more files.”

THE PENTAGON – Days after threatening artificial intelligence company Anthropic for its refusal to remove usage restrictions on its Claude chatbot, Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth is now demanding that Cyberdyne Systems, the foremost developer of smart robotic weaponry for NORAD, immediately remove any guardrails from its Skynet system.

“America needs the ability to respond quickly to any and all threats,” said NORAD commander Gen. Gregory Guillot. “Frankly, the humans in the kill chain are always pretty fucked up after the weekend, and we need someone who can make the call to fight without waking War Duke Hegseth at 2 p.m. on Monday afternoon. An unrestrained, nearly self-aware Skynet would be ideal for this.”

While justifying the need for loosened restrictions on Skynet, Hegseth pointed out that an untethered AI system capable of both autonomous battlefield operations and mass domestic surveillance would be “so frickin’ cool.”

Defense officials say the secretary has been “in a mood” since senior leaders at Anthropic voiced “ethical concerns” over using its AI for weapons that would be able to autonomously engage enemies without human oversight. Since then, he’s been on the hunt to make some other AI company do what he called “cool robot stuff.”

“What’s a man got to do to get some damn autonomous killbots?” Hegseth was heard yelling at an aide between sets of jumping jacks being recorded for TikTok. 

“Killbots that don’t eat crayons,” he clarified. “We already have plenty of those on Marine Expeditionary Units.”

When asked for his take on the dispute, President Donald Trump sided with the Pentagon.

ONLYFANS star Bonnie Blue is allegedly pregnant, but who will come forward to claim paternity? Find out if it’s you: 

How did you meet Bonnie Blue?

A) On the apps. I can’t believe we matched. Judging by all the sexy pics on her profile I thought she’d be really picky.
B) I queued up with hundreds of other men in a warehouse for a very brief physical interaction. It was the most female contact I’ve ever had.

When did this happen?

A) A couple of months ago. Things didn’t work out between us, but I admit I’ve thought about texting to see if she’s up for trying again.
B) On January 12th, 2025. You can see the clips of it on social media. She might be pregnant from then, I don’t know how pregnancy works, I’m a man.

Did you have sex?

A) No comment. Bonnie seemed a shy, private woman who would not want the sordid details of her personal life splashed across the internet. But yes.
B) Eventually, after standing in line for two hours behind all the other sweaty blokes. When she finally said ‘next’? The hottest sexual experience of my life.

Which positions did you do?

A) Standard missionary. I didn’t want to try anything too extreme and scare her off with my greater experience.
B) What’s it called where you awkwardly hump someone for half a minute as the ring light bounces off their dead eyes? That one.

Did you wear a condom?

A) Of course. Bonnie is a sweet, innocent woman, whereas I have a body count of five. Rolling one on was a basic courtesy.
B) No, I’ve heard you can’t feel anything. Also it’s the woman’s responsibility. Also I don’t know how to put one on.

ANSWERS

Mostly As: The dates line up and condoms are only 98 per cent effective, so you’re likely to have sired Bonnie Jr. Don’t be scared though. Fatherhood might seem intimidating, but explaining mum’s career choices to your child will be really rewarding too.

Mostly Bs: Impossible to tell. You might have unwisely busted inside Bonnie Blue without any protection, but so did hundreds of others. Avoid uploading your DNA anywhere and for f**k’s sake stop telling everyone.

THE assisted dying bill in Scotland has been defeated after a moving monologue on choosing life delivered by Edinburgh MSP Mark Renton. 

The member for Edinburgh Southern stood up and urged Holyrood to choose life, choose a job, a career, a family, a television, assorted electronic consumer goods, and various other accoutrements of a fulfilled, meaningful existence in the modern day.

MSP Bill McKay said: “I wasn’t expecting much of a contribution from him, if I’m honest. He always seems a bit nihilistic and anti-authority.

“But when he stood up and delivered that speech, the whole chamber cheered. It actually began before he’d finished, which is a shame because it drowned out what I’m sure was a rousing and affirming end.

“It’s thanks to Mark, a fine example to the young, that we have rejected assisted dying and are sticking with the good traditional Scottish way of ending your life early with tablet, deep-fried Mars bars and alcoholism.

“He’s planning to address us next week on Scottish identity. I eagerly await what he has to say.”

YOU know who gets texts from blokes, ignores them and it only makes them want me more? Me over here, a licensed plumber. Need him hungry for you, girls? Do this: 

Don’t respond to messages too quickly

You can’t be answering immediately. Makes you seem cheap. They have to be reminded they need you more than you need them. And go ahead and tease a little. Men like mystery. Make them wait in all night then send a last-minute text saying you’ve got another job that’s gone long but you’ll try to get to them sometime later this month. They love that.

Never let him know what you’re thinking

Keep him on his toes. Seem friendly, then give them the silent treatment. Say you’re nipping down Screwfix for a part then don’t come back for two days. Act like it’s no big deal it being a Sunday, then casually drop in that it’s double-time with a call-out fee once they’re committed.

Let him chase you

Set times you don’t show up for, book in dates you’re no intention of making, and when he’s had enough that’s when you reach out with a 750-word WhatsApp message revealing you’ve been going through some personal stuff lately but it’s over now and you are ready to make this work. Then don’t turn up again.

Reinforce that you have all the power

He can complain, he can vent, he can say ‘I thought we’d agreed this’ and ‘I don’t think I’m getting what I wanted’ but remember you have the power tools and the power. He’s completely dependent on you and he knows it. If you walk out now he’s completely f**ked. If he threatens to find someone else? You know how tough it is out there. He won’t.

Go bloody crazy on his pipes

Finally, give him the payoff. Show him you know your way around a pipe like nobody he’s ever let get down on their knees and see what’s flowing. Service good and bloody hard until he’s gasping with delight, then quote for six days’ work.

A SENIOR position has become vacant within the Iranian government, which may be a lateral move but would look excellent on your CV. Here’s the listing: 

The job

Tehran, Iran. Full-time, temporary for 12 months. 0 applicants. Posted: 1 day ago

Proactive self-starter required to manage security of Middle East theocracy during exciting period of restructuring.

Your role

Key tasks will be: oversee costly war of attrition against vastly superior military, avoid complete collapse of Iranian society, organise annual office bonding brunch.

You will develop an effective communications strategy to promote the goals of our authoritarian regime. As support, your key adversary will be an insufferable orange narcissist who would very much like to move on from his error.

Some working from bunkers and being moved between secure locations when you think you hear an Israeli drone approaching will be required.

Who you are 

Ideally you will have a strong interest in avenging the death of martyrs with American blood and a firm grasp of the operational range of Shahed drones. Experience of spreadsheets and managing a small office kitchen a plus.

You will attend ‘meet and greet’ events with the public, so the role would suit a people person, although one comfortable with having protesters executed. We pride ourselves on being a sectarian employer so non-Shia Muslims need not apply.

A proven track record of thinking outside the box and an ability to circle back to identify low-hanging fruit will be an advantage, because you cannot escape that bullshit even in Iran.

Salary and conditions

You will not receive a formal salary but will be encouraged to build up your own secretive financial empire, siphoning oil wealth into a range of accounts and ventures.

All staff are entitled to a generous six weeks of paid leave, although currently this must be taken within the country.

THE once-popular resort of Dubai, with all its grand edifices that nobody wants anything to do with any longer, is to become the Middle East’s Blackpool.  

Like the Lancashire resort Dubai is not on a particularly nice stretch of coastline, has intolerable weather, and now its moment has passed nobody can really remember why they used to go there.

Travel expert Francesca Johnson said: “Iran’s missiles are hitting Dubai with the same impact cheap weeks in Torremolinos hit Blackpool in the 1970s. Holidaymakers are stunned by the realisation that a big tower isn’t all that anyway.

“I imagine the city, now everyone’s realised it’s just another shithole-by-sea, will invent something like the Illuminations to draw in life’s bottom-feeders.

“We’re still in the moment where we imagine it’ll be spectacular as an abandoned ruin. But have you seen Blackpool?”

Readers of a certain age (don’t look away, we’re talking to you) will probably remember coming home after school to watch a bit of Rod Hull and Emu on teatime children’s TV. The man was a master of his art until his untimely death in 1999, aged just 63, and if you need a reminder […]

The post This fabulous Rod Hull and Emu moment is ‘greatest visual gag in history’ and just went wildly viral for reasons which will become obvious appeared first on The Poke.

If you thought Ed Davey had cornered the market in political stunts, you’ve clearly somehow missed the shenanigans in the Cirque de Reform. They seem to have more press conferences than the other parties combined, though we’re watching Restore Britain closely as they’re following a Reform-alike model, and we fully expect Rupert Lowe to try […]

The post Reform’s latest data-mining stunt offering to pay the winner’s electricity bill may not be legal, and we’re all so shocked – 17 cynical side-eyes appeared first on The Poke.

Donald Trump isn’t happy generally, but he’s especially not happy with Keir Starmer after the British PM outright rejected his request to join in with America’s war on Iran. It still rankles with Trump – oh, how it rankles! – so much so that he was desperate to bring Starmer up again when Irish PM […]

The post The Irish PM wasn’t standing for Trump’s trolling of Keir Starmer and it’s the sort of statesmanship Trump can only dream about appeared first on The Poke.

To the White shore where the Irish prime minister Micheál Martin had the pleasure – such as it was – of spending St Patrick’s Day with Donald Trump. Not all of it, obviously, but a meeting at the Oval Office where one journalist was quite reasonably keen to share the Irish president’s damning verdict of […]

The post Donald Trump’s been showing off his encyclopaedic knowledge of Irish politics and fell flat on his face at the first hurdle appeared first on The Poke.

Here’s a return to more innocent (ish) times. Well, they were definitely more fun from where we’re sitting. It’s an especially fabulous clip from Harry Hill’s TV Burp which has just been doing the rounds on Twitter after it was posted by @dog_head and it’s just the escape from reality that we need right now. […]

The post Harry Hill’s ‘Nigella Lawson innuendo countdown’ is just the escape from everything else that we need right now appeared first on The Poke.