Haley Stevens Threatens To Endorse One Republican Every Hour Until Demands Met

DETROIT—Saying time was rapidly running out for candidates in her party to do the right thing, Rep. Haley Stevens (D-MI) threatened Monday to endorse a Republican every hour until her demands were met. “It’s almost 1 p.m., which means my fellow Democrats have just a few more minutes to throw their full, unequivocal support behind Israel—ticktock,” a wild-eyed Stevens said in a live-streamed video, adding that her recent endorsement of Republican Mike Rogers in Michigan’s U.S. Senate race should serve as more than enough proof that she was not bluffing and absolutely should not be tested. “Just a couple of seconds to go now. All right then, I am officially backing Republican Darline Graham for Senate in South Carolina, and I am just getting started. If you think Michele Tafoya or Vivek Ramaswamy are off the table, then you have no idea what I’m capable of. So what the fuck’s it gonna be, my Democratic colleagues?” At press time, Stevens was recording herself outside an event in Texas for U.S. Senate candidate Ken Paxton and had begun to count down from 10. The Onion.

Sports Betting By The Numbers

With the recent explosion of sportsbooks and prediction markets, interest in gambling on sports has never been higher. The Onion looks at the figures behind the boom in sports betting. $140,000 Parlay winnings if the basketball catches fire, then it rains inside, then the wet basketball is slam dunked by Nikola Jokić 2 New sports cars in referee’s garage 168 Times the TV made Daddy cry 19 States allowing “DraftKings” as reason for divorce 2.7 liters Volume of blood plasma sitting unsold in your body 65 MPH Average speed of remote control whipped into the wall 3 Minutes of conversation this buys you with your daughter’s boyfriend All of it…ALL OF IT!!! Amount that’s gone The Onion.

Goateed Off

The Onion.

Milwaukee Brewers Win First World Series

The Milwaukee Brewers clinched the World Series title over the Tampa Bay Rays in five games, marking the first championship in the franchise’s 57-year history. What do you think? “The AA meetings in Milwaukee are going to be extra empty this weekend.” Evan Zmak, Canoeist “Not a baseball fan, but I’ll take any dent in Florida’s self-esteem.” Harry Rabanal, Handgun Refurbisher “Wow, they’ve all gotta be in their 80s by now.” Viola Saxman, Bootblack The Onion.

Poll Finds More Americans Putting Out Cigarettes On Arm To Reclaim Sense Of Control

WASHINGTON—Revealing that the practice has surpassed quietly spinning the open cylinder of a revolver, a new poll published Monday found that more Americans were putting out cigarettes on their arm to reclaim a sense of control. “Our most recent survey indicates that almost one-third of U.S. residents are now taking a long drag on a cigarette before closing their eyes and pressing the lit end into their skin as long as they can stand it,” Gallup researcher Danielle Calaveras said of the poll, in which 78% of respondents reported that gritting their teeth as their flesh burned provided a personal sense of power and confidence. “We’ve seen an increase across all demographics since 2016, but during that time the use of a cigarette’s searing heat to convince oneself one still has a modicum of free will has soared by 500% among those under 30. Our data suggest that Americans find comfort in the stench and agony of charred skin, with the experience of intense pain as they stare off into the middle distance far preferable to the void of their empty existence.” Calaveras added that all these trends pointed toward Democrats making significant gains in this week’s midterm elections. The Onion.

In Sure Sign Of Having Superior Argument, Liberal Commits Felony Assault

ANN ARBOR, MI — While in obvious possession of a superior argument and bearing full knowledge of the issues at hand, a liberal committed a felony assault.

Sad: Democrat Running Out Of Space To Put Her 'I Voted' Stickers

DALLAS, TX — Local Democrat Jeannie Donaldson has sadly begun to run low on clothing space to place more "I Voted" stickers.

Reminder: Republicans, It's Time To Start Bringing Down Cost Of Living Before Midterms Get Here

Attention, Republicans: This is your friendly reminder to start working to bring prices down before the midterm elections are upon us.

D'oh! Referees Forget To Rig Game For Chiefs

DENVER, CO — In what experts described as a monumental gaffe for the National Football League, the crew of officials assigned to the Denver-Kansas City game completely forgot to rig the game for the Chiefs.

Scarecrow In Suit And Tie With 'D' Next To Name On Ballot Wins Governor's Race In California

SACRAMENTO, CA — After securing the letter "D" next to his name on the ballot, a Halloween decoration propped up against a front porch has won the governor's race in California.

Yikes: President Trump’s Latest Plan To Fix Obamacare Is For Everyone To Get A Nurse Friend They Can Text Pictures Of Their Weird Rashes To

As the Trump administration continues scaling back the Affordable Care Act, the cuts to Obamacare leave many low income individuals wondering what to do for healthcare. Sadly, President Trump’s newest roadmap for them isn’t exactly well thought-out: Trump’s latest plan to fix Obamacare is for everyone to get a nurse friend they can text pictures of their weird rashes to. Woof. Well it’s better than nothing, we guess? As a White House spokesperson explained at a press conference earlier today, “Starting early 2027, it’s recommended that anyone who has been denied for health insurance instead befriend a nurse they can casually send pictures of their rashes to, a service which will be no-to-low cost.” The spokesperson continued to explain that the nurse will be able to tell if it’s just some random hives that needs a little cortisone or if it’s seriously infected MRSA. “As long as you don’t annoy the nurse friend too much—like definitely don’t just send her a standard mosquito bite, save this for when you really need it—she will likely continue to do this for you forever, so it’s actually even better than a healthcare plan, which often changes year-to-year,” added the spokesperson. “And you can also text her about other stuff, cancer, diabetes, et cetera, so that’s good too.”  The White House then declined to answer any questions about what will happen if the nurse friend suggests you do need actual medical care for the rash, cancer, diabetes, or anything else. Yikes. This definitely isn’t going to be that reassuring for any Americans who’ll be kicked off their health insurance plans soon, but it seems like their only option is to go hang around a hospital parking lot and try making friends with a nurse.

Pathetic: FBI Director Kash Patel Is Trying To Play Off The Human Centipede He Was Surgically Added To As A Halloween Costume 

Between a never-ending stream of bizarre media appearances and internal complaints about his excessive drinking, FBI Director Kash Patel is steadily eroding confidence in our country’s federal law enforcement. However, just when you thought he’d brought enough shame to the FBI, he does this: Kash Patel is trying to play off the human centipede he was surgically added to as a Halloween costume. It really doesn’t get more pathetic than this. How can anyone take the FBI seriously when it’s run by someone attached to a literal human centipede?! Yesterday, FBI Director Kash Patel arrived to a press conference with his mouth sewn to the anus of an unidentified woman, and his anus sewn to mouth of an unidentified man, which a spokesperson for the FBI claimed was part of Patel’s elaborate “Halloween costume.” Patel was accompanied by 12 other strangers in total, all surgically sewn together orifice-to-orifice into a human centipede, with Patel serving as the center link in the chain of nude, wailing people. Unable to answer a reporter’s question about the FBI’s unconstitutional probes of anti-ICE protestors, Patel instead scribbled “i cant wait for halloween” on a legal pad through tears, visibly suffering as the person whose anus his mouth was sewn to began to pass a heavy bowel movement into Patel.  According to sources, a number of FBI employees were caught off-guard and dismayed by Patel’s “viscerally upsetting” press appearance, expressing outrage that “the people attached to Patel’s mouth and anus were non-FBI personnel, meaning people with zero security clearance are now privy to sensitive information concerning active investigations.” “It’s beyond unprofessional for the acting FBI Director to wear a Halloween costume on the job, so that would be a poor excuse for conducting FBI business from the center of a human centipede even if it were true—which it clearly isn’t,” said an Executive Assistant Director at the bureau, speaking on the condition of anonymity. “To wind up in a human centipede and then blatantly lie about it just to save face speaks volumes about Kash Patel’s character. In my 20 years at the bureau, I’ve never seen leadership undermine itself in such reckless, demoralizing fashion.” Just pitiful. Mr. Patel has single-handedly turned the FBI into a national laughingstock.  President Trump needs to replace Kash Patel ASAP if he cares about the FBI maintaining a shred of integrity––that is, if this distraction hasn’t destroyed it entirely. Showing up to work naked, weeping, and sewn ass-to-mouth with a dozen strangers would get you fired from most other jobs, but apparently not in the Trump administration. America is so screwed, isn’t it? Ugh.

A Total Toss-Up: It’s Impossible To Tell Whether Everyone In This Small Town Bar Is Dressed For Halloween Or That’s Just What People Look Like There

Folks, we can’t make heads or tails of this. There’s an absolute headscratcher of a situation going on with this upstate New York dive: It’s impossible to tell whether everyone in this small town bar is dressed for Halloween, or that’s just what people look like there. Either these people are in Halloween costumes, or they look that way all the time, and both answers have an equal likelihood of being true. This is a true coin flip.  With outfits and demeanors ranging from eccentric to downright frightening, no one could be faulted for assuming that the clientele of Knoxie’s Pub in Lafayette, NY went all out for Halloween, or that the area simply fosters a socioeconomic class of people who always look like that. From the three greasy, cackling men in flannels who could easily be doing a three-person group costume referencing Deliverance, to the nurse with conspicuous cleavage and too much makeup flirting with an eye-patched man in a fisherman’s slicker, it’s a total toss-up whether these people came straight from work or Party City. To the naked eye, every bargoer in Knoxie’s Pub exists in the razor-thin margin between real-life archetypes and Halloween costume stereotypes. There are only two places where you’ll see genuine hippies in Baja hoodies and dreadlocks drinking alongside bandana-wearing, mustached bikers: a Halloween party, or an upstate New York dive bar. Knoxie’s Pub seems to be a genuine liminal space separating the two, because there is no telling if this is what the regulars look like on any given day, or just on October 31st.  There’s literally an old man with yellow-y skin and a bolo tie–who, if he isn’t dressed as Grandpa Simpson, needs to go to a hospital, because he’s clearly dying of liver disease or something–getting ejected by a bouncer wearing Stone Cold Steve Austin-style jeans and leather vest. It is a complete enigma. Halloween, and just any other night at this pub…what’s the difference? Your guess is as good as ours. Until someone goes into this bar and asks, the question of whether these people love Halloween or their natural appearance just serves as Halloween costume inspo will remain a complete mystery. Festive or not, cheers to the people of Knoxie’s Pub for looking like that, whatever the reason may be!

Abuse Of Power: An Investigation Found That Zohran Mamdani Has Been Quietly Using NYC Street Sweepers To Clean His Personal Home

NYC Mayor Zohran Mamdani’s socialist views may be polarizing, but not even his biggest critics can point to corruption as a concern about his first term in office—at least, not yet. Unfortunately, a new scandal threatens to derail all the goodwill he’s accumulated so far: An investigation has found that Mayor Mamdani has been quietly using NYC street sweepers to clean his personal home. What a horrible look for Mayor Mamdani. The bar for politicians was in hell, and it just got a little lower. Ugh. According to a New York Post investigation published today, Mayor Zohran Mamdani allegedly made backdoor deals with the Department Of Sanitation to have city-owned street sweepers clean his personal residence at Gracie Mansion. The report found that soon after taking office in January 2026, Mamdani privately redirected weekly street sweeper routes to collect litter from his bedroom, living room, kitchen, and bathrooms – personal spaces where the mayor is not subject to the same alternate side parking rules and enforcement that New Yorkers are on all other public street cleaning routes. Sources say say the mayor’s first course of action upon moving into Gracie Mansion was to construct a “private, street sweeper-sized entrance” on the back of the home, and “renovate all staircases into street sweeper-accommodating ramps” that would allow the street cleaning vehicles to sweep the entire house and return to the street with discretion.  When asked for comment, Mayor Mamdani agreed to a phone call with New York Post reporters after returning home from City Hall for the night, but his response to the allegations was “completely inaudible over the deafening clamor of street sweepers.”  Just unbelievably disappointing. Turns out Zohran Mamdani is no less crooked than Eric Adams.  It’s no wonder Mamdani gets along with President Trump so well, since they both can’t help but abuse the power Americans entrusted to them. We truly never fathomed that Mayor Mamdani would stoop to using a taxpayer-funded street sweeper for personal cleaning purposes, but here we are. Sigh. New York deserves so much better.

Bold New Angle: Patagonia Is Advertising Their New Line Of Raincoats By Saying They ‘Repel 100 Percent Of Cumshots’

Though the outerwear brand Patagonia is known for its eco-friendly messaging, it seems like they’re ready to shake things up, because they’re now advertising their new line of raincoats by saying they repel 100 percent of cumshots. Goodbye greenwashing… hello cumwashing! Hitting stores this week, the Patagonia Ultralight Cumshell Jacket builds upon the brand’s three-layer rain shell base by adding a cum-repellent latex panel designed to keep the wearer safe during jizz-heavy activities. With an adjustable hood that even includes a roll-down visor, wearers can feel great knowing that they’ll truly stay dry no matter how many people (or animals!) are cumming on them all day. Well, this is definitely a bold way to market a rain coat! While it remains unclear whether or not the brand thinks this is a sex jacket or just an outdoorsy clothing item that happen to be more cum-focused, you have to think a jacket like this will find its audience on its own. As of publication, this is the only cum-preventative jacket on the market.  Your move, The North Face!

Hegseth wears Eisenhower's globe as Halloween costume

THE PENTAGON — Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth won the Pentagon's annual Halloween costume contest Friday after dressing as a globe once owned by Gen. Dwight D. Eisenhower, transforming a priceless military artifact recently damaged by his staff into what aides described as a powerful statement of American military leadership.The costume, dubbed "Pete the Planet," featured the 30-inch globe with a large hole around Antarctica through which Hegseth could insert his body."Most people see a broken globe," Hegseth reportedly told partygoers. "I see an opportunity to make the world great again."The idea came after members of Hegseth's staff accidentally dropped the historic globe while attempting to move it into his office earlier this year. The collision punched a hole through Antarctica and detached the priceless artifact from its mount.Rather than wait for professional conservators to repair the globe, Hegseth reportedly ordered his staff to enlarge the opening so he could fit inside."We spend billions defending those fucking penguins, and what have they ever done for us?" Hegseth asked.Additional holes were cut through Greenland, Canada, most NATO countries and Taiwan to accommodate the secretary's arms and allow him to flex his biceps during conversations with foreign military attachés.Aides said they were careful to avoid damaging counties among some of America's closest allies since January 2025, such as Russia, China, and North Korea."Secretary Hegseth believes in maintaining strong relationships with countries that understand strength," one official explained. "Eisenhower was a great general, but he wasted a lot of time building alliances with weak-ass European nations."Ukraine was initially marked for removal, but Hegseth instead attached a miniature blinking Starlink satellite over the country."He likes being able to switch it on and off," one aide said. "It makes him feel like he's controlling the war."

Spirit Halloween store to become pop-up ICE detention center

TUSCALOOSA, Ala. — A former PetSmart that recently became a Spirit Halloween store will undergo another transformation next month when Immigration and Customs Enforcement converts the vacant retail space into a temporary detention center.The announcement marks the third tenant in six months for the struggling strip mall, whose remaining businesses include a sandwich shop closed for health violations and an Armed Forces Recruiting Center."We really thought Spirit Halloween was going to bring some stability to the neighborhood," said cashier Amanda Miller. "But apparently four and a half weeks is a long-term commitment now."The conversion is part of a new DHS initiative to establish detention facilities in vacant retail properties, allowing ICE to rapidly relocate detainees into buildings that were never intended to hold human beings."Spirit Halloween has perfected this model," said one ICE contracting official. "Find an abandoned building, move in practically overnight, scare the shit out of everybody and disappear before anyone figures out what happened."Officials said the agency was particularly impressed by Spirit Halloween's ability to operate without permanent infrastructure, experienced personnel or any apparent obligation to remain in one location."It's basically our existing detention strategy, but with better signage."Contractors said converting the former costume store would require minimal renovations."We're putting two portable toilets on the sales floor, installing some temporary fencing, and adding air conditioning to the manager's office," one contractor said. "The building already has kennels from when it was a PetSmart, so that's a huge savings."The air conditioning will be reserved for ICE personnel.DHS emphasized that the facility is not a prison, since prisons are required to meet substantially more demanding standards.Several Halloween decorations will remain in place to reduce costs. Officials said the animatronic skeletons, flickering lights, and prerecorded screams would help discourage detainees from attempting to escape."Honestly, the fake chains hanging from the ceiling are a nice touch," said one agent. "We were going to install real ones, but procurement said the funding wasn't there."The agency also plans to retain the store's original customer-service desk, which will serve as the facility's legal assistance office.A sign reading NO REFUNDS OR EXCHANGES will remain posted above the counter.Local officials welcomed the development, predicting that the temporary detention center would bring jobs and renewed economic activity to the strip mall."We're talking about seasonal employment, security contracts and potentially dozens of federal agents buying energy drinks," said one county official. "That's economic development."Applications have reportedly surged among local airsoft enthusiasts, former security guards, and men who once attended military boot camp before being sent home for reasons they prefer not to discuss."I've wanted to serve my country for years," said newly-hired agent Roscoe Williams, adjusting a tactical vest he'd purchased at the Halloween store. "They told me I couldn't be a cop, but apparently this is different."Williams said his previous law enforcement application had been rejected following a domestic violence complaint.DHS officials said the facility would close when its short-term lease expires, after which detainees would be transferred to another location."That's the beauty of the model," one official explained. "By the time the lawyers figure out where everybody went, we've already opened somewhere else."Spirit Halloween employees expressed disappointment but said they understood the business decision."We specialize in making abandoned places terrifying for a few weeks," Miller said. "I guess ICE just found a way to do it year-round."At press time, Spirit Halloween's going-out-of-business sale had completely sold out of military uniforms, tactical vests, and fake police badges.The remaining merchandise consisted of three witches' hats, a plastic skeleton, and a costume labeled ACCOUNTABLE GOVERNMENT OFFICIAL, which had never been removed from its original packaging.

Army FRG unveils haunted house featuring spouses saying ‘I’m fine’

FORT BRAGG, N.C. — The 82nd Airborne Division's Soldier and Family Readiness Group has unveiled a new Halloween haunted house featuring some of the most terrifying scenarios in military life, including missed anniversaries, mandatory volunteer opportunities and spouses quietly insisting that everything is fine."We wanted something that would genuinely frighten our soldiers," said event organizer Amanda Collins. "After reviewing the usual haunted house stuff — ghosts, zombies, chainsaws — we realized none of that compares to coming home and hearing your wife say, 'We need to talk.'"The attraction begins in a dimly lit living room decorated for Christmas. A soldier enters to find an undecorated tree, unopened presents and a spouse sitting silently on the couch.How was your day?" the soldier asks."Fine," the spouse replies.When the soldier asks whether something is wrong, the spouse responds, "Nothing."Visitors are then required to identify what they did wrong before being permitted to leave. So far, no participant has successfully completed the room.The next attraction, the Mandatory Fun Maze, features an enthusiastic FRG volunteer armed with a clipboard and a list of upcoming family events."We'd love your help with the bake sale," she tells visitors.Soldiers who decline are informed that participation is completely voluntary and asked why they don't care about supporting the unit.Those who agree are immediately assigned three dozen cupcakes, two car washes, and responsibility for organizing the commander's holiday party.Several soldiers reportedly remain trapped inside.The Permanent Change of Station Labyrinth features hundreds of moving boxes, missing household goods and a spouse sitting in an empty kitchen."Did you remember to schedule the movers?" she asks.When visitors respond that transportation said everything was taken care of, she smiles."That's fine."The room then goes completely dark.

Hasan execution venue double-booked with Comic-Con

FORT HOOD, Texas — Army officials preparing for the December execution of convicted Fort Hood shooter Nidal Hasan have discovered that the venue was also booked for a local comic book convention, raising concerns that the military's first execution in 65 years may have to share space with several hundred costumed enthusiasts.The scheduling conflict emerged during an advance site survey, when soldiers found the Lone Star Conference Center already reserved for a Comic-Con-style convention featuring celebrity autographs, collectible merchandise and a competitive cosplay contest."We've got a serious problem," said one installation official. "Both events have paid their deposits, and neither one wants to move."Junior soldiers assigned to support the execution initially expressed little enthusiasm for the mission."Watching some old guy get shot for something that happened before I was born? Pretty cringe," said one private. "But watching it happen surrounded by stormtroopers and Spider-Man? That's actually kind of sick."Others remained critical of the venue."It's a horrible thing what he did, but this is Fort Hood," said one soldier dressed as Howard the Duck. "Between first sergeants murdering their wives, barracks gangs, and bodies turning up behind range control, do we really need to kill another person here on purpose? Can't we move this somewhere nicer, like Lackland?"Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth reportedly rejected proposals to relocate the execution, saying the Army had already invested considerable resources in planning the event."We've got security, transportation, rehearsals, a seating chart and a commemorative challenge coin," Hegseth said. "We're not throwing that away because a bunch of nerds want to dress like fictional soldiers."The convention organizers were equally unwilling to compromise.

Trump announces sale of Patriot missiles to Russia

WASHINGTON — President Donald Trump announced this week that he had secured a "blockbuster deal" to sell Patriot missile systems to Russia, calling the agreement a historic victory for American manufacturing and international peace."This is a great day for America and for Russia," Trump said. "We're selling them beautiful American missiles. The best missiles. And they're going to use them to defend themselves against Ukraine, which, frankly, has been attacking Russia for a very long time."The deal comes amid ongoing negotiations to sell stealth fighter jets to China and follows a separate agreement to provide North Korea with artillery targeting information on South Korean positions.RTX officials praised the agreement, noting that selling missile-defense systems to both sides of an armed conflict could establish a sustainable long-term business model."Historically, we've had to depend on one side running out of weapons," one company executive said. "Now we can sell one country missiles, sell the other country interceptors, and repeat indefinitely."A White House fact sheet explained that existing restrictions would be waived to permit billions of dollars in American-made air-defense weapons to be sold to Moscow.Deliveries will be expedited ahead of previously scheduled shipments to NATO allies, including Poland, whose military has complained about delays in receiving Patriot interceptors."Poland already has Patriots," Trump said. "Very greedy people. Russia doesn't have any American Patriots. Very unfair."Pentagon officials confirmed that Ukrainian requests for additional Patriot interceptors would be reviewed after Russia's deliveries were completed. Officials also said Ukraine would be charged an additional 35% tariff on any American weapons used to destroy American weapons recently sold to Russia."These are defensive weapons," one official explained. "If Ukraine stops attacking Russia, Russia won't need as many of them. It's a pretty straightforward path to peace."Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskyy expressed confusion over the arrangement, asking why American weapons intended to defend Ukraine were instead being sold to the country invading it.Trump dismissed the complaint."Zelenskyy is always asking for missiles. Never says thank you. Very bad for Ukraine," Trump said. "Putin is actually buying them. You tell me who's the better customer."At a joint press conference, Russian President Vladimir Putin thanked Trump for recognizing Russia's legitimate security concerns."These systems will help protect Russian territory from continued Ukrainian aggression," Putin said.Asked whether that included Ukrainian territory currently occupied by Russian forces, Putin said the missiles would defend "all Russian territory, including territory that is not Russian yet."

Briton who walked round world for 28 years loves what we’ve done with the place

Six big mistakes you’ll date just so your ex finds out

WANT to prove to your ex what a terrible act they committed in dumping you? These six red flags will force them to take you back out of basic decency:  His dickhead mate There’s always one. Even the group of mates disagree about how he was allowed to become core. He’ll be unhinged enough to ignore every bro code and take you on, and because he knows no boundaries your ex will get regular updates about this obvious act of romantic self-harm. It’s worth your ex getting back with you just to exile him forever. Her hairdresser Moving in on a woman who provides a regular service for your ex, like hairdresser or nail tech, will anger her. And, due to shop talk, the new girl will already know what you like in bed up to and including the insertion of that finger at that specific moment. Avoid her bikini waxer, though. After a while they live to inflict that pain. His boss He already hates his boss and this would compound it, so won’t go unnoticed. The boss is such a puffed-up prick he’ll have no idea he’s being used and will gloat unreservedly in the office. However your former boyfriend may easily come round to the idea you wankers deserve each other and then you’re stuck with this wannabe alpha. Your previous ex Sourcing the ex you dumped before your dumping is the easy route to jealousy, but he could only be dating you to make his own recent ex jealous and then she’ll revert to her ex and time will begin to go backwards. Before long you’re flirting with Joel from school just to make a man you met 12 years later angry. Her cousin A risky strategy, no matter how flirtatious he was at that wedding. Turns out he doesn’t just drink heavily and knee-slide onto dancefloors at family occasions, but on Tuesday evenings in Wetherspoons. And now you’re tainted and he can never get back with you and you’re in two overlapping sets of family photos. The next person you meet If trying to date people familiar to your ex didn’t work, just grab the first desperate lonely singleton that comes along and ask them on a date to the cafe your ex works in. Tell him you’re only doing it to make him jealous, it doesn’t matter, the random’s only in it for a snog and a grab of a boob. Does it work? Well, you can’t go to that cafe again.

Freak has energy to do things on a weeknight

A DEEPLY disturbing man has the stamina to go out on Monday to Thursday evenings and wants to know if you are ready to join him. Marketing manager Martin Bishop is possessed with a demonic energy which makes him able to go out for a pint, a movie or even a pub quiz when he has completed eight hours of soul-crushing work and has a presentation to give tomorrow. Bishop said: “I clock out at five and don’t go to bed until past 11pm. So, against popular convention, I like to spend that time doing things other than phone and telly. “I don’t just go drinking. Sometimes I go to a gig or visit a friend. It’s amazing what you can achieve, even in such a short window, when pointless toil hasn’t completely sapped your will to live. “Tonight I’m going to a dance class then swinging by the bookshop for a thought-provoking lecture. Your body will be completely knackered but your life will be enriched. Come along! What have you got to lose?” Fellow colleague Joanna Kramer said: “I do things in the evening too, mainly wanking and eating McDonald’s in bed like a normal person. “If he wants to do things at night he should go and live in London, where they cater to sick beasts like him. But because he doesn’t work until 10pm he can’t afford to. Hah.”

Do you, personally, deserve reparations for history’s injustices? Take our quiz

NATIONS built on British slavery are demanding reparations for historic wrongs, but what about you? Your life isn’t all easy. Don’t you deserve something? Find out:  Bad weather £117,000pp Taken from Africa, the Sunshine Continent, to the West Indies where it’s even better and yet the descendants of slaves are complaining while stretched out in the sun sipping cocktails from coconuts? Meanwhile you’re in Lancaster in the pissing rain, as were your ancestors and their ancestors before them. That deserves recompense. Loss of Empire £22,000pp Anyway, you’ve done your genealogy and you lost a great-great-uncle in the Boer War, a distant cousin in the Sepoy Mutiny and an auntie to the Mau-Mau. You paid for that Empire in familial blood, and now you can’t even move to Vancouver without needing some form of ‘residential visa’. They had it off you, and you deserve a fair price. Not being exiled to Australia £480,000pp As well as those heroic ones, half your ancestors were right bastards. Always in and out of the workhouse, madhouse or debtors’ prison, but apparently the snooty olden-days judges deemed them ‘not bad enough’ to be transported to the Antipodes to build better, happier lives. You’d have a beachfront place in Melbourne if they had and you want the cash value. Various periods of French rule €80,000pp And, closer to home, what about those Frogs? Coming over here, killing our kings, depicting it in tapestry then expecting us to pay just to look at it. Inserting Richard the Lionheart into our monarchical line when he didn’t even speak English. That’s a bloody liberty, that is, and made our history a lie so they can stump up. Madonna living over here £3,500pp Nobody consulted you about Her Madgeness relocating to Britain and yet she’s been here, on and off, for the last 26 years. Still having hits, still doing tours, still turning up on Graham Norton wearing an eyepatch and where’s your wedge? You’re British, she isn’t, some of that cash is rightly yours. You’ll take it in twenties. The break-up of Pangaea, £6,200,000pp The authorities in the early-middle Jurassic should have warned you of the break-up of the supercontinent, or what were they even doing? Nonetheless they sent no letter and when rifting took place you’d left all the best stuff you’d hunter-gathered on the other side and lost it all. If the Waspi women can claim compensation then why not you?

Romantic or stalkery? How it all depends on whether she fancies you back

GRAND romantic gesture, or difficult to explain to the police? It’s a surprisingly fine line, and all of these hinge on whether she considers you fit:  Presenting her with a bouquet Chiselled jawline and solid hairline? Standing outside her office with £50 of flowers will be the beginning of something beautiful. Less than gorgeous and you’ve never spoken, you worked out what shift she’s on from when her car is in the car park, and tell her you know she likes gladioli because you’ve seen it on her Insta? Security will walk her to her car from now on. Arriving at her place In the 70s, men would break into penthouse apartments just to leave their gorgeous occupants Milk Tray. Works if you’ve got model looks. If you’re you? Appearing at the window in a ski mask elicits screams of terror, not ecstasy. Though to be fair you haven’t scaled 12 floors, just waited in her garden. Remembering little details A sign of adoration if you resemble Alexander Skarsgard. But for the asthmatic and ugly it suggests you’re scribbling details in a creepy notebook, all closely observed thanks to your thick spectacles. Loving how she changed her hair? Hot. What wine she favours? Hot. Knowing her blood type, dentist’s name and what she bought in Boots on Tuesday? Not. Liking every Instagram post if you’re attractive enough, your every like will be a screenshot on the group chat. If she doesn’t, it will still be but with captions like ‘he keeps doing it, I don’t know how to make him stop, I might have to speak to HR’. Serenading Appearing beneath her window, unstrapping your guitar and bursting into romantic song? You’ll have to be very, very good-looking to get away with that one. To frame it purely in terms of Bond candidates, Callum Turner would be okay but Josh O’Connor would be told to f**k off. Waking her to make love You’ll need to actually be in a relationship by this stage, but putting that Roy Orbison lyric into practice? More likely to provoke cries of ‘Are you actually serious? I’ve got work in six hours’ no matter how you look. Some gestures are romantic only on paper, not in 2am-erection practice.

Mike Johnson says we’ll never have another president like Donald Trump and the entire internet responded as one

Few politicians have gotten their noses as orange as Mike Johnson over the last decade. It’s hard to find a clip of the current Speaker of the House that doesn’t involve him inverting, twisting, or outright hiding the truth, all in the service of making his dear leader, Donald Trump, look like the hero he […] The Poke.

A man blamed new mums for ‘ignoring’ their partners when they’d just had a baby and got magnificently owned into another dimension

No-one ever said it was easy being a new parent. Actually, scratch that, because this guy said it was totally easy being a new parent. Unless you’re the father, of course (and yes you did read that right). It all started with a discussion about the surprising number of couples who split up within the […] The Poke.

A ‘health freedom advocate’ shared her flu vaccination theory and these 17 magnificent comebacks were nothing to sneeze at

We don’t feature half as many anti-vaxxers on these pages as we used to, but sometimes they make it impossible to resist, for reasons which will become obvious. It’s someone called Dawn Michael over on Twitter – of course it’s on Twitter! – who describes themselves in their bio as a ‘Health freedom advocate | […] The Poke.

Donald Trump says he could’ve won Vietnam in a week and the internet shut him down even faster – 17 truth bombs that landed right on target

Americans have made it to the impossible promises portion of the campaign trail leading up to the midterm elections on Tuesday. Donald Trump assaulted Dubuque, Iowa with another one of his interminable monologues. At this stage of the election cycle, it’d serve his party best to speak to the issues closest to home with voters. […] The Poke.

An English ‘remigration’ activist wore a gas mask to report from the Paris protests only to end up with a face full of ridicule and it was simply brilliant

You might not be overly familiar with the work of ‘Young Bob’ AKA Gregory Moffit, a right-wing agitator who describes himself as a ‘Christian Pro-life Remigration activist’. Precisely. We mention him because he went to the (largely peaceful) protests in Paris at the weekend to see for himself the ‘fall of France’ and the apparent […] The Poke.