The Onion
Middle Schoolers Prevent Bus Crash After Driver Blacks Out
Students from a Mississippi school banded together to prevent their bus from crashing after their driver blacked out from an asthma attack. What do you think?
“I hope they were all disciplined for getting out of their seats while the bus was still in motion.”
Addison Chan, Molasses Bottler
“All buses and cars should come with a backup kid for safety.”
Remy Dubois, Salamander Expert
“Not my child. I raised him to accept his fate.”
Nico Mahoney, Poster Hanger
The Onion.
Terrified Adolis García Wondering If Anyone Else Can See Phillie Phanatic
PHILADELPHIA—Attempting to remain calm while the massive green creature gyrated on top of the dugout, a terrified Adolis García reportedly asked teammates Tuesday if anyone else could see the Phillie Phanatic. “This is gonna sound crazy, but I swear to God, I keep seeing a green dancing bear on the field,” said García, nervously gripping a baseball bat in case he needed to defend himself from the bug-eyed, pear-shaped monster, who then climbed down from the dugout, hopped onto an ATV, and began speeding across the outfield grass. “There’s no way a monster is just driving a quad across the field, right? Like, this doesn’t happen in real life. Bears don’t jiggle their bellies like that. Am I hallucinating? This is really freaking me out.” At press time, García had reportedly checked himself into the MLB player assistance program to get mental health support for his delusions.
The Onion.
There Grows The Neighborhood
The Onion.
Banksy Claims Credit For Latest ‘The Lockhorns’ Comic
The Onion.
Taking Advantage Of Other People Was The Best Financial Decision I Ever Made
I used to struggle with my finances. Every month I’d stress out about how I was going to make rent, pay the bills, and still have something to set aside for my future. I must have read every article and watched every webinar looking for advice on how to get ahead, but the most important thing I learned didn’t come from any expert. It was a lesson I had to teach myself—that the key to financial success lies in taking advantage of others.
Trust me, screwing people over is the best thing that ever happened to my bank account.
Many of us fall into the habit of treating those around us—friends, family, coworkers—with respect. Unfortunately, this all-too-common practice can be devastating to our financial wellness. The good news is that our prospects improve dramatically as soon as we learn to see other people as nothing but tools for our personal gain. It really is that simple. In my case, the moment I started following a basic plan of always manipulating everyone around me, I was on the road to prosperity.
Everyone knows it’s important to establish trust in a business relationship. What fewer people recognize is that you need to abuse the hell out of that trust. I used to own a pizzeria with a friend of mine, and when we were starting out, money was tight. I almost certainly would have given up if I hadn’t discovered two quick and easy ways to boost my income: I withheld wages from my employees by not paying their overtime, and I skimmed cash off the top anytime my co-owner wasn’t around. I did this for a couple years, and by the time anyone caught on, I had already diversified into exploiting other people I knew.
That’s all it takes to achieve economic well-being: It’s not about sticking to a household budget or paying down credit card debt. It’s about fucking people over, again and again.
Luckily, there’s no shortage of ways to do this. Did you know you can borrow money from somebody and just never pay it back? The benefits of this approach are seemingly endless. Back when I was married, I used to take out loans from my father-in-law all the time, and I never dreamed of repaying him. I mean, what was he going to do about it? Sue his own daughter’s family? After a while he started asking to see receipts to prove I was spending the money on his grandchildren, like I’d promised, but by then I’d already enriched myself to the tune of $15,000. It’s all about taking opportunities where you find them.
That’s not to say it’s always easy. I don’t come from a privileged family where there are rich, elderly relatives suffering from dementia and just begging for someone to forge their power of attorney and siphon off their life savings. But I have been able to maintain a decent lifestyle through modest, reliable strategies like refusing to pay child support. That’s an extra $450 in my pocket each month, which isn’t too bad. Sure, I can no longer enter the state of Ohio, where there’s an outstanding warrant for my arrest, but who cares? I wouldn’t want to go there anyway. That’s where my ex-wife lives.
I know some of you out there are thinking this all sounds too good to be true. You ask: How can this be? How can taking advantage of everyone you meet possibly be the secret to long-term financial security? I’ll answer your question with a question: How the fuck do you think billionaires do it?
The Onion.
ClickHole
Every Parent’s Nightmare: This Child Drowned In His Family’s Freshly Installed Pool, Came Back To Life During His Wake, Ate More Than Half Of His Grandmother, Was Shot 26 Times By His Own Father, And Began A Scream Which Continues To This Day
When you’re a parent, you live to protect your child, but sometimes the unthinkable happens and you find yourself confronted with the ultimate tragedy. That’s what happened to Bruce and Amanda Cooper, who just experienced every parent’s worst nightmare: Their child Hunter drowned in his family’s freshly installed pool, came back to life during his wake, ate more than half of his grandmother, was shot 26 times by his own father, and began a scream which continues to this day.
Absolutely devastating. This is the exact scenario every parent fears more than anything else in the world.
When the Coopers first installed their new swimming pool in their back yard, they envisioned it as the future site of countless summer memories and moments of joy. But five minutes after the pool had been installed, eight-year-old Hunter sprinted into the water and drowned immediately. His parents were heartbroken, but their nightmare was only beginning. At Hunter’s wake, his father was giving a speech about how the only good thing about losing a child is that they can only die once, when all of a sudden Hunter climbed out of his coffin and said, “I’m back from Heaven, where everything sucks.” This caused everyone at the wake to boo the newly resurrected child and throw things like bricks and shoes at his grieving parents.
This might seem like the lowest point imaginable, but things got even more tragic when Hunter saw his grandmother, Georgina among the mourners, pointed at her and said, “That old lady’s the kind of grandma that looks like food,” and proceeded to start eating his grandmother alive. As she was devoured by her own grandson, Georgina kept giving Bruce the middle finger while screaming about how much she hated America, which caused the United States Army to send a tank to blow up Bruce’s car.
Many people might think it’s a blessing for parents when their drowned child gets back up and starts doing all their bullshit again, but those people belong in prison because of how mistaken they are. When Hunter’s mother first saw her son flop out of his coffin, the first thing she said was, “Hunter! My son! You’re alive!” but Hunter just looked at her and said, “Go back to the barnyard, she-rooster, I’m busy eating this pile of lunch that calls itself my grandma.” He then went back to chowing down on his grandmother while she continued to shout anti-American slogans and pissing off the Army.
If you thought losing a child was heartbreaking, imagine having your car destroyed by your own country while your reanimated son eats your own mother while she flips you off. It’s the sort of thing you always imagine would happen to somebody else, and when it happens to you, you’re totally unprepared.
Every single person currently reading this story is presently thinking, “This is as bad as it could possibly get, and this story could not possibly get sadder,” but that would make all of them wrong and evil, because this tragedy did get worse.
After Hunter had eaten approximately 52% of his grandmother, Bruce decided to take matters into his own hands. “I bring a gun to every wake I attend in case I need to defend myself from wasps or earthquakes,” Bruce told all the best reporters in the world during a press conference. “When you bring a gun to your own son’s wake, the last thing you expect is that you’re going to use that gun on your son’s reanimated corpse. I mean, I knew it was a possibility, every parent knows in the back of their mind they might one day have to shoot the zombie version of their drowned child while that child eats their mother-in-law, but it’s not exactly something anybody likes to think about. But at this point Hunter had eaten more than half of his grandma, and I had no choice but to shoot him as many times as I could.”
Bruce was forced to shoot his reanimated cannibal son 26 times, which is something no parent should ever have to do, but the worst was yet to come, because getting shot more than two dozen times caused Hunter to begin the longest scream any resurrected child has emitted in months. It was one long, sustained tone that to this day has not stopped or changed in any way.
“When my wife and first talked about having kids, we did briefly think about what we would do if our child drowned, came back to life, devoured a significant portion of his grandmother, and then screamed forever after we shot him a lot of times, but we decided to start a family even though we knew that was a real risk,” says Bruce. “Now I regret. Nobody should have children and parenthood is a mistake. The Army blew up my car.”
Absolutely heartbreaking. If you’re not sobbing extremely loudly while reading this story, you’re on the wrong side of history. Here’s hoping we one day live in a world where no parent has to experience the kind of tragedy the Cooper family has been forced to endure. Things like this are far too common in our society, and it needs to change. Share if you believe it’s sad when kids die and then come back to life and then eat their grandparents and then scream for a long time!
Heartbreaking: The Town You Grew Up In And Fought So Hard To Escape Is The Only Place With Homes In Your Price Range
It’s not that millennials will never own homes, it’s just that they may never be able to own them where they want to. Case in point: The town you grew up in and fought so hard to escape is the only place with homes in your price range.
Just heartbreaking.
Although you worked so hard to get good grades in high school, saved money by attending community college for two years before transferring to a state university, and landed a solid job in your dream city, ultimately, after 15 years out of your parents’ house, the only homes in your price range are back in the podunk town where you were raised.
And sure, there are other affordable homes in other equivalent podunk towns, but it’s pretty depressing that your hard work has merely led you back to a place with nothing but a 7-11, two dive bars, and an opioid crisis. If only you’d known that to really make something for yourself, your one option was to go into finance. But would business school even be worth it now? What with AI…? And everything?
Oh, who knows? (Certainly not you.)
There’s a pretty nice-looking place on Zillow up for sale, not too far down the street from your parents. Three bedrooms, a little yard, a laundry machine. Yes, buying it would mean you failed, but something about it remains compelling. Most tragically, you could’ve saved about half the cost if you’d just bought it during the pandemic when your mom first sent you the link.
Damn. If only you’d known to give up by then.
So what will you do? Should you just keep renting in the city where you’re basically watching your money burn? Or should you move back home, buy property, and just get addicted to opioids? Sound off below!
6 Mother’s Day Gifts That We’re Sure Won’t Be Good Enough For That Bitch
Let’s face it: No matter what you get your mom this Mother’s Day, it’s likely that wench isn’t going to be one bit impressed. Here are six Mother’s Day gifts that we’re sure won’t be good enough for that bitch.
1. A Dress From Anthropologie
While there is no shortage of dresses from Anthro that would look great on your mom, odds are if you give the bitch one, the second she opens it you’ll be met with a look of poorly concealed disappointment and a choked off sigh. Even if you manage to get your mom to try it on and it fits perfectly, based on previous experience you can definitely expect some comment along the lines of, “Didn’t the Anthropologie guy get me too-ed?” or, “It’s nice, but I bet it was overpriced for the quality.” Probably best to skip this one this year.
2. A Gift Certificate For A Massage
Even though your mom loves to get massages, that bitch is definitely going to find a reason to not like the one you get her, even if you get it from her regular massage therapist. Whether she responds to your gift certificate (for a full 90-minute massage with the tip already included and everything) with the least convincing, “Oh…how thoughtful of you,” you’ve ever heard in your life or just looks at the gift certificate and puts it back inside the card without saying anything, you’re going to regret giving her this one.
3. A One-Of-A-Kind Piece From A Local Artist
Ha, good luck with this one. While plenty of non-megabitch moms would appreciate a thoughtfully curated, completely unique art piece that put money into the hands of a local artist instead of an evil corporation, no matter how cool the work you pick out for her is, she’s gonna hate it. Somehow, she’ll find a way for a piece of pottery or a painting of a boat dock to inspire a comment like, “Some of these artists seem so angry,” or, “This might look nice in the garage.” Don’t take it too personally, though. Your mom’s just a bitch like that.
4. An Offer To Reroof Her Garage
Hoo boy. Don’t even think about opening this can of worms. Despite mom’s garage roof objectively needing to be replaced and your gift of offering to replace it potentially saving her thousands of dollars, the mere suggestion that mom’s garage roof isn’t perfect is going to put her on the warpath. Prepare to hear, “How am I supposed to feel about this?” or “Your cousin Keith was just over here and he’s a roofer and he didn’t say anything about the garage roof at all.” Yep, even though there’s black stuff dripping down onto her Subaru every time it rains, that bitch is going to need to make the decision that it’s time for a new garage roof on her own.
5. $800 Cash
Whoever said you can never go wrong with cash as a gift clearly has never given your bitch mom $800. The problems with giving mom cash are countless: Give her a small amount, such as $20, and that bitch will snap off some passive aggressive, “Oh great, I’ve been wanting to buy some new sewing needles,” type of BS. Give her a large amount, such as $800, and you’re going to get to hear some, “Are you sure you can afford this?” or “You need this money more than I do, look at what you’re wearing,” type of BS. Yep, your mom is the one bitch on earth who money is somehow not good enough for.
6. A Pair Of Goddamned Diamond Earrings
What woman wouldn’t love a gorgeous pair of diamond earrings set in 24k gold? Queen Cunt AKA your mom, of course! No matter how reputable the jeweler you buy this luxurious gift from, your bitch-ass mom is going to start in with the, “These look like cubic zirconias,” or, “Why does one feel so much heavier than the other? I’m going to tip over wearing these.” Yep, this Mother’s Day it’s probably best to just send your mom a bouquet and turn off your notifications for the day so you don’t have to get her bitchy texts about how, “A bug that was on the flowers just attacked me!!!!” Ugh. Happy Mother’s Day!
Hmm: The Girl Your Friend’s Family Chose To Speak At Her Funeral Isn’t Nearly As Good At Public Speaking As You Are
It’s not like it’s ever easy to attend a funeral, but the situation currently unfolding at your friend Sarah’s burial isn’t making it any better: The girl her family chose to speak at her funeral isn’t nearly as good at public speaking as you are.
Hmm. If they had wanted this event to truly celebrate their daughter’s life, then they should’ve picked someone who could enunciate.
Despite the fact that you have an English degree and a job in sales, Sarah’s family chose a girl who can barely even hold the mic a proper distance from her mouth to deliver her eulogy. To make matters even worse, this girl is completely sobbing through her remarks, rather than just lightly tearing up at one or two appropriate moments as you would’ve done.
So, is being Sarah’s closest friend the only requirement for making a speech in front of 60 people? They know cameras are recording this, right?
Sadly, it’s not merely the speaker’s delivery that’s the problem, but the speech’s content as well. Not only were her anecdotes meandering and humorless, but they failed to neatly tie into a heartfelt message about counting your blessings. In fact, this girl is pretty much just using the whole time to say how amazing Sarah was, which makes one think she’s never even heard the phrase “show, don’t tell.”
Seriously, WTF. The speech you’re writing in your head right now is soooo much better than this garbage.
Yikes. Sarah was pretty sick for a while before she died—did she really never mention to her family that you spoke at your high school graduation and would therefore be the best choice?
Fortunately, you’ve got other friends. Hopefully their families won’t make the same mistake when they die too.
Insidious Advertising: Thousands Of People Have Begun Noticing Eye Floaters Shaped Like Cameron Winter
In recent weeks, the band Geese has come under fire over the marketing tactics that made them a viral sensation in 2025, with fans and critics alike now labeling them “industry plants.” However, their use of fake fan accounts to manipulate social media algorithms looks innocent compared to this: Thousands of people have begun noticing eye floaters shaped like Cameron Winter.
Oof. Cameron’s not beating the “psyop” allegations anytime soon.
According to a new Pitchfork article, people across the country are developing “Winter Floaters” – eye floaters that bear an uncanny resemblance to Geese frontman Cameron Winter. The phenomenon was first observed by Dr. Alicia Moore, a Brooklyn-based optometrist, whose patients began reporting “one or more eye floaters shaped like a lanky, unkempt boy with shaggy hair.” Then, after a patient specifically referenced “Cameron Winter” to describe their eye floater, Dr. Moore looked up photos of the singer and showed them to the other patients, who all confirmed that he was exactly what their eye floaters looked like.
“When they asked who Cameron Winter was, I’d tell them he was a singer for a band called Geese, and they’d look up his music and come to their follow-up appointments wearing Geese merch,” explained Dr. Moore, whose waiting room is now regularly packed with people in Geese shirts, all seeking treatment for eye floaters. “Then they’d ask why their eye floater was shaped like their new favorite musician, Cameron Winter, and that’s when I began to wonder if I’d unwittingly participated in a music marketing firm’s promotional strategy.”
Last fall, Dr. Moore presented the Cameron Winter eye floater phenomenon at a conference organized by the American Optometric Association, and found that dozens of optometrists from throughout the United States were observing the same. The doctors compared patient data, and determined that as of autumn 2025, over 6,000 Americans were affected by “Winter Floaters.” By now, the number is likely far higher.
“In light of the discourse about this band’s sudden rise to social media ubiquity, it’s hard to believe that thousands of people developed Winter Floaters around the same time by sheer coincidence,” said Dr. Moore, who clarified that Winter Floaters are harmless, except for one extreme case where a patient’s Winter Floaters multiplied in number and size to the point of permanently blinding them.
Chaotic Good Projects, Geese’s P.R. agency, declined our requests for comments.
Whether it was Cameron Winter’s marketing team who got these floaters in people’s eyes, and how they pulled that off, remains a mystery. If it was indeed the Geese team, their campaign’s success is backfiring on Winter and the band, because it’s tactics like this that are making them synonymous with “industry plants.”
Have you experienced Winter Floaters? Let us know in the comments!
Duffel Blog
Hegseth buys second suit
WASHINGTON — On the heels of a glorious victory after 40 days of devastatingly one-sided combat guided personally by the hand of God, the historic Easter Sunday rescue of a downed F-15 pilot, and the unrestricted opening of the Strait of Hormuz following a two-week ceasefire, Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth reportedly marked the occasion by purchasing a second suit. The 45-year-old former Army National Guard officer and television host, known for his cultivated aesthetic of coiffed, highly-gelled hair and wartime slam poetry, is typically seen wearing a cobalt blue suit with an American flag pocket square, a combination some officials say had effectively become "his uniform."“We couldn’t be more excited.” said a Pentagon source who spoke on condition of anonymity. “I mean, the secretary looks sharp, no doubt, but it's time to mix it up."The purchase comes after a period of sustained military activity that officials described as “high tempo,” including recent operations in the Middle East that have kept the secretary in near-constant public view.Speculation has long surrounded Hegseth’s clothing rotation. Some Washington insiders have maintained he owns only a single suit, while others believe he has multiple identical versions of the same outfit.“It makes sense," said Jimmy McGarvey, a patron at Freddie’s Beach Bar, a popular bar near the Pentagon. “He’s an Army man, right? He’s in charge of the Pentagon, right? So, it’s like he’s wearing a uniform without wearing a uniform.”Sources said the demands of recent operations have taken a toll on the secretary’s wardrobe, with some noting that extended workdays have led to “noticeable wear” mitigated primarily by liberal application of cologne.“I get that the boss is focused on Iran, but would a change of clothes kill you?” said one staffer.Due to the recent implementation of polygraphs and non-disclosure agreements aimed at limiting leaks, few officials were willing to provide additional details about the new suit.However, sources familiar with the matter said the purchase had been delayed after a tailor originally hired for the job became unavailable due to immigration enforcement actions.🖊️P.J. O’Leary is a ginger and a retired Army first sergeant who enjoys black coffee, axe throwing, and an uncomfortable amount of internet trolling. Stand up comedy and satire writing help him make sense of the chaos and get revenge on his fifth grade teacher who once declared he can’t make a living as a class clown. He can be found on Instagram at @pjolearycomedy and on Tik Tok at @pj.oleary.comedy
Troops say casualties in Iran should be used for maximum political impact
WASHINGTON — As tensions with Iran continue, U.S. service members have urged the White House and lawmakers that casualties during the Iran War be “effectively leveraged into a clear domestic messaging opportunity.”“Look, when my defensive position gets turned into a crater outside some oil refinery, I just want it to matter,” said Spc. Daniel Ruiz of the 10th Mountain Division, while studying a map he admitted he “doesn’t fully understand.” “Ideally, the president climbs on top of what’s left of me and delivers a two- or three-minute speech. Something about strength. Maybe jobs. Definitely how the landscape looks better now, and how it’ll look even better with a Trump-branded resort.”Ruiz said he hopes the aftermath is arranged in a way that “really frames the shot,” describing a “cinematic field of sacrifice” that could serve as the backdrop for a nationally televised address about the Dow Jones Industrial Average.“It’s not about me,” Ruiz said. “It’s about that moment before he goes back to playing golf. You want a clean visual. No clutter. Just bodies, smoke, and the president explaining how this was always the plan.”Other troops echoed the sentiment, noting that while operational guidance remains unclear, the strategic communications outcome feels “pretty much locked in.”Pfc. Tyler Jennings, who described himself as a “strong supporter,” said he hopes he survives long enough to hear the speech, which he has already begun rehearsing in the president's voice.“These incredible heroes — maybe the best heroes we’ve ever had — they gave their lives, and because of that, the markets are doing unbelievably well,” said Jennings, a soldier in the 101st Airborne Division, gesturing broadly. “People are saying we’ve never seen anything like it.”Jennings paused before reflecting on the broader meaning of sacrifice.“You don’t die for nothing,” he said. “You die for the idea that your family might eventually benefit from a system where the people at the top risk nothing and owe you nothing.”He added: "Maybe someday I can compete at the same level as Trump's kids, who just made perfectly-timed transactions in the military drone industry worth billions.”At press time, Defense Department officials confirmed service members will now have the option to direct their life insurance payouts to political action committees. Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth said that troops will need to opt out if they prefer the money go to their families.🖊️SECDEF_Nice served in Army Civil Affairs and specialized in failing to influence populations and occasionally his own chain-of-command. Favorite quote by Plato: “The best satire for the soul is the truth.” Follow him on X at @SECDEF_Nice or at Foxhole Briefs.
SIPR podcast celebrates its tenth download
UNDISCLOSED LOCATION — The world’s most secure podcast, “Whispers from the Smokey Smoke,” celebrated a colossal milestone this week after recording its tenth total download. The classified celebration, attended by the podcast’s entire listener base — both of them — featured a cake of unknown origin and streamers of undisclosed colors.The podcast, hosted on the Secure Internet Protocol Router Network (SIPRNet), is so secure that even the hosts don’t know each other’s true identities. Rumor has it that they communicate through a series of nods and winks in a windowless room deep within the Pentagon, though Duffel Blog correspondents confirmed that rumor to be both dumb and untrue.“We’re thrilled to hit double digits,” said the host known only as “Smoke,” speaking through a voice modulator on a Signal voice call. “When we started this podcast, we knew what we had to say was super relevant and timely. And after three years of continuous content production, it’s gratifying to finally see the audience grow.”“Whispers from the Smokey Smoke” covers topics ranging from “The Best Kept Secrets of the Mess Hall” to “Conspiracy Theories That Are Actually Just Standard Operating Procedures.” The podcast’s signature segment, “Guess That Redacted Word,” has become a cult favorite among the extremely limited number of listeners with the clearance, patience, and functional CAC reader required to access the show.The tenth download was marked by the ceremonial cutting of a cake that was, quite literally, classified.
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“We had to imprison the baker for even setting eyes on it,” Smoke said. Attendees, all wearing blackout goggles for operational security, were guided to the cake by a series of secure, encrypted smells emitted by a classified scent dispenser.Security was tight at the celebration, with guests required to pass through three biometric scans and a pop quiz on the Joint Ethics Regulation. Party favors included redacted party hats and invisible ink pens.Despite the high-level security, morale among attendees remained high.“I’ve never been to a party where I knew less about what was going on,” said one guest, a shadowy figure known only as Deep Cover. “The mystery just adds to the excitement!”Looking ahead, the hosts remain cautiously optimistic.“We’re hoping to hit 20 downloads by 2030,” Smoke said, adjusting their voice scrambler for no apparent reason. “But let’s not get ahead of ourselves. Operational security is our number one priority. That, and figuring out where that echo in our recording studio is coming from.”The podcast is available for download every second Tuesday of the month, assuming the stars align, the secure server is up, and nobody accidentally locks themselves out of SIPR again. As for the cake, it was reportedly delicious, though details of its flavor remain classified pending further review.🖊️As For Class is a boy named Sue, named Ashley. When he isn’t writing for Duffel Blog he also writes fiction.
Retirees alarmed as troops stop pretending Iran War makes sense
FORT BRAGG — Soldiers at Fort Bragg are reporting an increase in hostile encounters with retirees at the commissary, pharmacy, and post exchange, in what younger troops say is the result of a dangerous shortage of useful idiots.Retired Master Sgt. Frank Burger said he confronted one junior soldier after hearing him greet another with a sarcastic salute and the words, “For Epstein!”“I had to correct him,” Burger said. “When we were your age, we just accepted we might die for oil. The country runs on the stuff, you know.”Retirees across post said they are becoming increasingly frustrated with what they describe as a generational collapse in performative patriotism.In recent weeks, soldiers reportedly training for a possible invasion of Iran have stopped using the greeting of the day and instead begun saluting each other while shouting, “For Epstein!” “For defense contractor quarterly earnings!” or “For previously undisclosed presidential equities!”“Where are they getting these ideas?” Burger asked. “In my day, you were fighting for oil or freedom. Either way, it at least sounded like it was for the country. Now it’s like they’re workshopping it.”Senior leaders are also said to be alarmed by troops’ growing refusal to accept internal propaganda, still referred to in official channels as “command information.”
“These soldiers need to get on board with the command’s accepted narrative,” said Admiral Brad Cooper, commander of U.S. Central Command. “Lives are at risk. Who is going to storm the beaches of Hormuz for a defense contractor earnings call or someone’s personal legal exposure?”
Pentagon defunds anti–think tank missile
ARLINGTON, Virginia — The Department of Defense announced today it had terminated funding for a proposed Anti–Think Tank Missile (ATTM) system.The decision appears to contradict Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth’s recent move to further restrict Pentagon civilians and service members from participating in think tank panels, conferences, or any event where independent thought might occur. According to an internal Pentagon study, the ATTM was designed as a near-perfect weapon capable of “seeking and eliminating active independent thought, or even its pretense, while sorting complex national security questions.”“Thinking distracts from our mission at the Pentagon,” Hegseth said. “But thinking about stopping thinking is just too expensive given our current budget. We prefer good old-fashioned self-censorship over a new program that might actually end these tanks.”News of the system’s cancellation drew mixed reactions from the think tank and intellectual community, many of whom rushed to reassure donors that nothing about their current output resembled independent thought anyway. While some expressed optimism, most remained defensive about the relevance of their institutions and the “thinking” conducted within them.Heritage Foundation President Kevin Roberts took time out from his ongoing self-defenestration tour to issue a brief statement.“Look, I don’t want to misspeak about anything anymore than I already have,” Roberts said. “We have a One Voice policy here at Heritage, which requires our scholars to reach a single unified position rather than differing ones. What’s less intellectual than that? Any missile should pass right over us by that logic — unless the Jews are involved.”
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Despite the program’s demise, others were not taking chances.“It really is a time to build after all,” joked Yuval Levin of the American Enterprise Institute. “But seriously, we’ve always thought carefully about the real-world costs of missile defense, and this time will be no different.”At press time, Levin declined to comment on reports that AEI interns were frantically erecting a layered interceptor array along the side of the organization’s headquarters.Service members, meanwhile, were less sanguine.“We’ve already purged defense correspondents as an independent voice,” said one Office of Net Assessment officer speaking from a Pentagon broom closet on condition of anonymity. “What chance do any of us still in uniform really have?”🖊️Tony wants you to know he thinks only happy thoughts to stay gainfully employed and promised Kevin Roberts the Jews were in fact not involved.Dark Laughter contributed to this report.
Daily Mash
Families going away at half-term didn’t deserve to
Is my looney Green, or Reform?
AN individual standing for the local council in your area holds deranged views from their radicalised corner of social media. But are they Green or Reform? Find out:
Does my prospective councillor advocate for:
A) The abolition of all money to be replaced with a local bartering market, with value decided by commune leaders
B) The return to the serfdom standard, because people had more connection with the land when they were owned by it
My prospective councillor has a deep and abiding hatred of a foreign country. Is it:
A) Israel
B) All the Muslim ones except Dubai, where he lived until March
In contrast, their position on Russia is:
A) We should make peace over Ukraine and normalise relations with them so we can focus on the real enemy: America
B) We should make peace over Ukraine and normalise relations with them so we can focus on the real enemy: Europe
My prospective councillor believes the ideal woman is:
A) Greta Thunberg
B) Samantha Fox until he discovered she was gay and switched to Lucy Pinder
My prospective councillor is a powerful advocate for the legalisation of:
A) All illegal substances without exception, in the belief it will vastly reduce harm of the impoverished
B) All automatic weapons without exception, in the belief it will vastly increase harm of the impoverished
What is my prospective councillor’s view on immigration, which as a member of a county council they will have no influence over whatsoever?
A) Strongly for
B) Strongly, vehemently, forehead-vein-poppingly against
How long will my prospective councillor last in the job when they discover they will never create their planned utopia because it’s mainly budgets and bins?
A) About three months
B) About three months
ANSWERS
Mostly As: Your prospective local councillor is a Green looney! Check out their social media to discover they advocated for the trial and public execution of JK Rowling as recently as last month.
Mostly Bs: Your prospective local councillor is a Reform looney! Check out their social media to discover they advocated for the trial and public execution of Gary Lineker as recently as last month.
How to look as stupid as Met Gala celebrities on a budget
WISH you looked as laughably idiotic as the celebrities attending the Met Gala? Create an appropriate wardrobe on a budget with our guide:
Get dressed sans lighting
High fashion is often plainly ludicrous but you don’t have to be Anna Wintour to achieve similar results. Instead break into a local charity shop and, while the lights are out and the burglar alarm blaring, throw on every item you stumble into. The child’s tent you wear as a skirt may not be suitable for the office but will be a wow on the red carpet.
Experiment with household materials
Traditional textiles can only get you so far. If you really want to look as glamorous as Doja Cat, start sporting a chic Bacofoil crop top or an opulent train fashioned from a shower curtain you used to protect furniture when decorating. With imagination, even the recycling bin is a treasure trove of jewellery and you’re ‘making a statement about the environment’.
Mix-and-match Halloween costumes
The formalwear of a vampire, teamed with the rags of the living dead? The chains of an executioner mixed with the jerkin of Shrek? The mask of a werewolf over the lilac of some f**king character your kid wanted to be from Fortnite? It’s jarring, it’s powerful, it’s pure fashion and Colman Domingo would be jealous.
Shop at TK Maxx
Looking for comically unusual clothes that nobody with even a tenuous grasp on sanity would consider? Cut out the couturier and shop at TK Maxx instead. Nothing will fit, nothing will match, no shoes will be paired, but it’ll be worth it when you eventually that statement hi-vis Hazmat suit with matching zippered trilby.
Wear your normal clothing
Sneering at the stars? Look in a mirror. Your sauce-stained cargo shorts and last season’s Crocs would be so outlandish at fashion’s top event they’d be astonishing. If the theme is Costume Art, then you’ve come as the groundbreaking work ‘My Bed’ by Tracey Emin. Empty Smirnoff bottles? Model’s own.
The Mansion Tax: how it will lose money so should be abolished like all other taxes on the rich, by the rich
THE Mansion Tax was, like raising the top rate of income tax, always going to cost Britain money because economics works backwards over a certain level. Let me explain:
The rich are very clever
The very wealthy are not content, like mere wage-earning sheep, to pay whatever tax is levied upon them. They will involve themselves in tax-avoidance schemes – and clever ones, not the ones used by footballers – and end up paying far less as a result. A wise nation would not force them into such painful duplicity.
Taxation costs money
To even assess the value of our homes, with all their period features and stables converted into pottery studios at the lady of the house’s passing whim, costs the government money. It also demoralises those inspecting, HM Revenue and ultimately the whole government. You’re happier not knowing of your inferiority, trust us.
It destabilises the property market
Seems ridiculous, doesn’t it? That your horrible little Redditch new build could be affected by our £6m London penthouses? But it means we don’t sell, and those below us cannot buy, and so on until you get no viewings on your grubby terrace and have to die there. And it’s all because of that dreadful mansion tax.
Our philanthropic urges are rebuffed
The lower orders, popping a pound into a box for the brief thrill of goodwill, have no conception of how generously we give. There is barely a kindly act in the country that is not dependent on our largesse. If that is withdrawn because you have offended us? Britain will become a blasted ruin of misery which you brought on yourselves.
You feel the shame
Deep down, you know this is not the way it was meant to be. The bottom strata of society demanding money from the top? It is an inversion of the natural order, the economy knows that and it will compensate by charging you more for your peccadillos, like beer and biscuits. Ask not why. Simply abolish this dreadful tax and rejoice.
Touchy-feely guy actually secretly horny
A MAN praised for being physically affectionate and in touch with his emotions is surreptitiously following the dictates of his penis, he has confirmed.
Big cuddly teddy bear Joseph Turner loves giving hugs instead of handshakes because it brings women in closer contact with his genitals.
Joe explained: “I don’t understand why so many men don’t embrace their warm, caring side. It makes you seem loveable and kind and women press their breasts against you without asking to be paid for it.
“Whether an old friend, a colleague, or a colleague’s friend I’ve never met before, I’m always going in for a big hug. People assume it’s because I’m a big softy, but, believe me, it’s because I’m hard.”
Longtime friend and victim of Turner’s displays of affection Mary Fisher said: “He’s such an affectionate guy, and nobody holds a hug for eight seconds just for fleeting, through-four-layers boob-on-belly contact, do they? Except he does.
“The flat-chested and plain are oddly exempted from Joe telling them to ‘bring it in’. Meanwhile Alex’s new ridiculously top-heavy girlfriend got the full uncomfortable embrace.
“Though I have to admit I stole his trick and did the same. Well I wanted to feel if they were real.”
