Mary Peltola Insists Scheme To Put Second Dan Sullivan On Ballot Orchestrated By Mary F. Peltola

The Onion.

Republicans Privately Urging Trump To Not Be President Leading Up To Midterms

WASHINGTON—Saying the gesture would boost his party’s electoral prospects at a crucial moment, Republicans have been privately urging President Donald Trump to not be president in the run-up to next week’s midterms, sources confirmed today. “We tactfully suggested that Republicans up and down the ticket would benefit from someone else being commander-in-chief, at least through Tuesday of next week,” said a GOP insider who did not wish to be named for fear of retaliation, adding that strategists had assured Trump he would be re-sworn into office the moment all the votes had been tallied. “We just thought it would be advantageous for candidates to forge an identity separate from Trump and be able to say, at a town hall, ‘The president’s a private citizen now, and I’m focused on the future,’ or, ‘Let’s not dwell on my ties to a man who’s no longer president and hasn’t even been in the White House since last Thursday.’ I’m certain he realizes that a quick, short-term resignation would pay massive dividends for both his allies and, of course, himself.” At press time, the plan had reportedly been scrapped after panicked Republicans realized that JD Vance would immediately assume the presidency in Trump’s place. The Onion.

Head Removed For National Anthem

The Onion.

‘People’ Does Single Buddy A Solid By Naming Him Sexiest Man Alive

NEW YORK—In an effort to boost the local man’s self-esteem, People magazine reportedly did single buddy Dominic Johnson a favor Thursday by naming him the “Sexiest Man Alive.” “Sure, Sterling K. Brown or Alan Ritchson might have him beat in the looks department, but Dom’s a good guy, and we think he deserves to be happy,” said editor Justin Trexler, who touted the 41-year-old data analyst’s “steady job” and “huge, clean-ish apartment” as the man’s top selling points. “No kids, either. And hey, at his age, that’s not nothing. Sure, he’s no Hudson Williams, but he’s a good-looking dude, right? Right? I mean, he’s definitely one of the best-looking guys in our friend group. Come on, just say he’s sexy. The guy’s been having a really tough time lately, so just go along with it, okay?” At press time, People had released an alternate magazine cover featuring their recently divorced pal Matt. The Onion.

What To Know About ‘Wicker’

Wicker, a new romantic fantasy film, stars Olivia Colman as a fisherwoman and Alexander Skarsgård as the husband who was created for her by a basket weaver. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the movie. Q: Who is this movie for? A: People too ashamed to share what they’re reading. Q: Is there any merch? A: Yes, you can buy a pair of wicker nipple pasties in the studio’s online store. Q: Is the wicker practical or CGI? Alexander Skarsgård swears he achieved it all through diet and exercise. Q: What is it based on? A: “The Wicker Husband,” a fic basketchica78 posted on the HomeGoods forums. Q: What philosophical questions does the film explore? A: What is love? Where is the line between machine and human? How can a movie about fucking a man made of wicker still be boring? Q: Is it good? A: Do you want to see a wicker guy plow some lady or not? Q: Why is the wicker husband so devoted to the fisherwoman? A: So you can start a fight in the car on the way home. The Onion.

DHS Agents Seize Ilhan Omar's Phone But Decide To Let Her Keep Pager

U.S. — Sources confirmed on Thursday that, following a raid on Rep. Ilhan Omar's home on October 12, DHS officials seized her mobile phone, but decided to let her keep a pager.

Drunken Partiers On Streets Of Milwaukee Surprised To Learn Brewers Won World Series

MILWAUKEE, WI — Drunken partiers stumbling down the streets of downtown Milwaukee were reportedly surprised to learn the Brewers had won the World Series.

Duolingo Introduces ‘Kamala Harris’ As Its Newest Language

PITTSBURG, PA — Language learning app Duo Lingo announced this week that it will be rolling out a new language called "Kamala Harris" to help people understand the former Vice President.

9 Subtle Clues Your Wife Is Pregnant

Wondering if your wife is pregnant, but don't feel like you know how to ask? Here are are nine subtle clues you can look for to figure out if she is with child:

Zombie At Halloween Party Turns Out To Just Be Mitch McConnell

WASHINGTON, DC — A man thought to be wearing a terrifying zombie costume at an area Halloween party turned out to be Kentucky Senator Mitch McConnell.

Pathetic: FBI Director Kash Patel Is Trying To Play Off The Human Centipede He Was Surgically Added To As A Halloween Costume 

Between a never-ending stream of bizarre media appearances and internal complaints about his excessive drinking, FBI Director Kash Patel is steadily eroding confidence in our country’s federal law enforcement. However, just when you thought he’d brought enough shame to the FBI, he does this: Kash Patel is trying to play off the human centipede he was surgically added to as a Halloween costume. It really doesn’t get more pathetic than this. How can anyone take the FBI seriously when it’s run by someone attached to a literal human centipede?! Yesterday, FBI Director Kash Patel arrived to a press conference with his mouth sewn to the anus of an unidentified woman, and his anus sewn to mouth of an unidentified man, which a spokesperson for the FBI claimed was part of Patel’s elaborate “Halloween costume.” Patel was accompanied by 12 other strangers in total, all surgically sewn together orifice-to-orifice into a human centipede, with Patel serving as the center link in the chain of nude, wailing people. Unable to answer a reporter’s question about the FBI’s unconstitutional probes of anti-ICE protestors, Patel instead scribbled “i cant wait for halloween” on a legal pad through tears, visibly suffering as the person whose anus his mouth was sewn to began to pass a heavy bowel movement into Patel.  According to sources, a number of FBI employees were caught off-guard and dismayed by Patel’s “viscerally upsetting” press appearance, expressing outrage that “the people attached to Patel’s mouth and anus were non-FBI personnel, meaning people with zero security clearance are now privy to sensitive information concerning active investigations.” “It’s beyond unprofessional for the acting FBI Director to wear a Halloween costume on the job, so that would be a poor excuse for conducting FBI business from the center of a human centipede even if it were true—which it clearly isn’t,” said an Executive Assistant Director at the bureau, speaking on the condition of anonymity. “To wind up in a human centipede and then blatantly lie about it just to save face speaks volumes about Kash Patel’s character. In my 20 years at the bureau, I’ve never seen leadership undermine itself in such reckless, demoralizing fashion.” Just pitiful. Mr. Patel has single-handedly turned the FBI into a national laughingstock.  President Trump needs to replace Kash Patel ASAP if he cares about the FBI maintaining a shred of integrity––that is, if this distraction hasn’t destroyed it entirely. Showing up to work naked, weeping, and sewn ass-to-mouth with a dozen strangers would get you fired from most other jobs, but apparently not in the Trump administration. America is so screwed, isn’t it? Ugh.

A Total Toss-Up: It’s Impossible To Tell Whether Everyone In This Small Town Bar Is Dressed For Halloween Or That’s Just What People Look Like There

Folks, we can’t make heads or tails of this. There’s an absolute headscratcher of a situation going on with this upstate New York dive: It’s impossible to tell whether everyone in this small town bar is dressed for Halloween, or that’s just what people look like there. Either these people are in Halloween costumes, or they look that way all the time, and both answers have an equal likelihood of being true. This is a true coin flip.  With outfits and demeanors ranging from eccentric to downright frightening, no one could be faulted for assuming that the clientele of Knoxie’s Pub in Lafayette, NY went all out for Halloween, or that the area simply fosters a socioeconomic class of people who always look like that. From the three greasy, cackling men in flannels who could easily be doing a three-person group costume referencing Deliverance, to the nurse with conspicuous cleavage and too much makeup flirting with an eye-patched man in a fisherman’s slicker, it’s a total toss-up whether these people came straight from work or Party City. To the naked eye, every bargoer in Knoxie’s Pub exists in the razor-thin margin between real-life archetypes and Halloween costume stereotypes. There are only two places where you’ll see genuine hippies in Baja hoodies and dreadlocks drinking alongside bandana-wearing, mustached bikers: a Halloween party, or an upstate New York dive bar. Knoxie’s Pub seems to be a genuine liminal space separating the two, because there is no telling if this is what the regulars look like on any given day, or just on October 31st.  There’s literally an old man with yellow-y skin and a bolo tie–who, if he isn’t dressed as Grandpa Simpson, needs to go to a hospital, because he’s clearly dying of liver disease or something–getting ejected by a bouncer wearing Stone Cold Steve Austin-style jeans and leather vest. It is a complete enigma. Halloween, and just any other night at this pub…what’s the difference? Your guess is as good as ours. Until someone goes into this bar and asks, the question of whether these people love Halloween or their natural appearance just serves as Halloween costume inspo will remain a complete mystery. Festive or not, cheers to the people of Knoxie’s Pub for looking like that, whatever the reason may be!

Abuse Of Power: An Investigation Found That Zohran Mamdani Has Been Quietly Using NYC Street Sweepers To Clean His Personal Home

NYC Mayor Zohran Mamdani’s socialist views may be polarizing, but not even his biggest critics can point to corruption as a concern about his first term in office—at least, not yet. Unfortunately, a new scandal threatens to derail all the goodwill he’s accumulated so far: An investigation has found that Mayor Mamdani has been quietly using NYC street sweepers to clean his personal home. What a horrible look for Mayor Mamdani. The bar for politicians was in hell, and it just got a little lower. Ugh. According to a New York Post investigation published today, Mayor Zohran Mamdani allegedly made backdoor deals with the Department Of Sanitation to have city-owned street sweepers clean his personal residence at Gracie Mansion. The report found that soon after taking office in January 2026, Mamdani privately redirected weekly street sweeper routes to collect litter from his bedroom, living room, kitchen, and bathrooms – personal spaces where the mayor is not subject to the same alternate side parking rules and enforcement that New Yorkers are on all other public street cleaning routes. Sources say say the mayor’s first course of action upon moving into Gracie Mansion was to construct a “private, street sweeper-sized entrance” on the back of the home, and “renovate all staircases into street sweeper-accommodating ramps” that would allow the street cleaning vehicles to sweep the entire house and return to the street with discretion.  When asked for comment, Mayor Mamdani agreed to a phone call with New York Post reporters after returning home from City Hall for the night, but his response to the allegations was “completely inaudible over the deafening clamor of street sweepers.”  Just unbelievably disappointing. Turns out Zohran Mamdani is no less crooked than Eric Adams.  It’s no wonder Mamdani gets along with President Trump so well, since they both can’t help but abuse the power Americans entrusted to them. We truly never fathomed that Mayor Mamdani would stoop to using a taxpayer-funded street sweeper for personal cleaning purposes, but here we are. Sigh. New York deserves so much better.

Bold New Angle: Patagonia Is Advertising Their New Line Of Raincoats By Saying They ‘Repel 100 Percent Of Cumshots’

Though the outerwear brand Patagonia is known for its eco-friendly messaging, it seems like they’re ready to shake things up, because they’re now advertising their new line of raincoats by saying they repel 100 percent of cumshots. Goodbye greenwashing… hello cumwashing! Hitting stores this week, the Patagonia Ultralight Cumshell Jacket builds upon the brand’s three-layer rain shell base by adding a cum-repellent latex panel designed to keep the wearer safe during jizz-heavy activities. With an adjustable hood that even includes a roll-down visor, wearers can feel great knowing that they’ll truly stay dry no matter how many people (or animals!) are cumming on them all day. Well, this is definitely a bold way to market a rain coat! While it remains unclear whether or not the brand thinks this is a sex jacket or just an outdoorsy clothing item that happen to be more cum-focused, you have to think a jacket like this will find its audience on its own. As of publication, this is the only cum-preventative jacket on the market.  Your move, The North Face!

Remaining Defiant: Jerry Seinfeld Has Announced That In Response To Criticism Of His Support For Israel, He Will Be Dating Another 17-Year-Old

A recent incident where Jerry Seinfeld responded to hecklers accusing him of supporting genocide by saying, “I am a racist, it’s a genocide, I’m into it,” showed that the comedian isn’t ashamed to defend his pro-Israel stance. But now the beloved comedian is proving more than ever that he’s not backing down: Jerry Seinfeld has announced that in response to criticism of his support for Israel, he will be dating another 17-year-old.  Damn! Looks like Israel got a new attack dog, and his name is Jerry Seinfeld.  During an interview on SiriusXM’s ‘We Got Company,’ Seinfeld doubled down on his defense of Israel, stating, “They say I can’t support Israel. They heckle my performances. They slander me online. But I won’t apologize. In fact, thanks to the constant harassment these people put me through, I will be dating another 17-year-old.” “I’ve had enough! I thought about doing ‘Unfrosted 2’ to get back at these jerks, but I wanted to go even further,” he continued. “So I will be prowling parks near high schools in search of a new underage girlfriend. I don’t care what my haters think. I don’t care what my wife thinks. And I don’t care what the 17-year-old thinks. We’re going to be in love, and she is going to be 17 and very busty for her age. You thought the age gap was bad when I was 39? Just wait until I have a 17-year-old girlfriend NOW. I’m going to be proud as ever to support Israel and have a 17-year-old girlfriend. Because calling me a racist comes with consequences. And those consequences are 17 years old.” Whoa! No matter where you stand on the Israel issue/72-year-olds dating children, you’ve gotta admire Seinfeld’s conviction here.  Looks like when you mess with Jerry, you get the horns. If you’re an anti-Israel activist, you may want to think twice before the next time you heckle Seinfeld.

Army FRG unveils haunted house featuring spouses saying ‘I’m fine’

FORT BRAGG, N.C. — The 82nd Airborne Division's Soldier and Family Readiness Group has unveiled a new Halloween haunted house featuring some of the most terrifying scenarios in military life, including missed anniversaries, mandatory volunteer opportunities and spouses quietly insisting that everything is fine."We wanted something that would genuinely frighten our soldiers," said event organizer Amanda Collins. "After reviewing the usual haunted house stuff — ghosts, zombies, chainsaws — we realized none of that compares to coming home and hearing your wife say, 'We need to talk.'"The attraction begins in a dimly lit living room decorated for Christmas. A soldier enters to find an undecorated tree, unopened presents and a spouse sitting silently on the couch.How was your day?" the soldier asks."Fine," the spouse replies.When the soldier asks whether something is wrong, the spouse responds, "Nothing."Visitors are then required to identify what they did wrong before being permitted to leave. So far, no participant has successfully completed the room.The next attraction, the Mandatory Fun Maze, features an enthusiastic FRG volunteer armed with a clipboard and a list of upcoming family events."We'd love your help with the bake sale," she tells visitors.Soldiers who decline are informed that participation is completely voluntary and asked why they don't care about supporting the unit.Those who agree are immediately assigned three dozen cupcakes, two car washes, and responsibility for organizing the commander's holiday party.Several soldiers reportedly remain trapped inside.The Permanent Change of Station Labyrinth features hundreds of moving boxes, missing household goods and a spouse sitting in an empty kitchen."Did you remember to schedule the movers?" she asks.When visitors respond that transportation said everything was taken care of, she smiles."That's fine."The room then goes completely dark.

Hasan execution venue double-booked with Comic-Con

FORT HOOD, Texas — Army officials preparing for the December execution of convicted Fort Hood shooter Nidal Hasan have discovered that the venue was also booked for a local comic book convention, raising concerns that the military's first execution in 65 years may have to share space with several hundred costumed enthusiasts.The scheduling conflict emerged during an advance site survey, when soldiers found the Lone Star Conference Center already reserved for a Comic-Con-style convention featuring celebrity autographs, collectible merchandise and a competitive cosplay contest."We've got a serious problem," said one installation official. "Both events have paid their deposits, and neither one wants to move."Junior soldiers assigned to support the execution initially expressed little enthusiasm for the mission."Watching some old guy get shot for something that happened before I was born? Pretty cringe," said one private. "But watching it happen surrounded by stormtroopers and Spider-Man? That's actually kind of sick."Others remained critical of the venue."It's a horrible thing what he did, but this is Fort Hood," said one soldier dressed as Howard the Duck. "Between first sergeants murdering their wives, barracks gangs, and bodies turning up behind range control, do we really need to kill another person here on purpose? Can't we move this somewhere nicer, like Lackland?"Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth reportedly rejected proposals to relocate the execution, saying the Army had already invested considerable resources in planning the event."We've got security, transportation, rehearsals, a seating chart and a commemorative challenge coin," Hegseth said. "We're not throwing that away because a bunch of nerds want to dress like fictional soldiers."The convention organizers were equally unwilling to compromise.

Trump announces sale of Patriot missiles to Russia

WASHINGTON — President Donald Trump announced this week that he had secured a "blockbuster deal" to sell Patriot missile systems to Russia, calling the agreement a historic victory for American manufacturing and international peace."This is a great day for America and for Russia," Trump said. "We're selling them beautiful American missiles. The best missiles. And they're going to use them to defend themselves against Ukraine, which, frankly, has been attacking Russia for a very long time."The deal comes amid ongoing negotiations to sell stealth fighter jets to China and follows a separate agreement to provide North Korea with artillery targeting information on South Korean positions.RTX officials praised the agreement, noting that selling missile-defense systems to both sides of an armed conflict could establish a sustainable long-term business model."Historically, we've had to depend on one side running out of weapons," one company executive said. "Now we can sell one country missiles, sell the other country interceptors, and repeat indefinitely."A White House fact sheet explained that existing restrictions would be waived to permit billions of dollars in American-made air-defense weapons to be sold to Moscow.Deliveries will be expedited ahead of previously scheduled shipments to NATO allies, including Poland, whose military has complained about delays in receiving Patriot interceptors."Poland already has Patriots," Trump said. "Very greedy people. Russia doesn't have any American Patriots. Very unfair."Pentagon officials confirmed that Ukrainian requests for additional Patriot interceptors would be reviewed after Russia's deliveries were completed. Officials also said Ukraine would be charged an additional 35% tariff on any American weapons used to destroy American weapons recently sold to Russia."These are defensive weapons," one official explained. "If Ukraine stops attacking Russia, Russia won't need as many of them. It's a pretty straightforward path to peace."Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskyy expressed confusion over the arrangement, asking why American weapons intended to defend Ukraine were instead being sold to the country invading it.Trump dismissed the complaint."Zelenskyy is always asking for missiles. Never says thank you. Very bad for Ukraine," Trump said. "Putin is actually buying them. You tell me who's the better customer."At a joint press conference, Russian President Vladimir Putin thanked Trump for recognizing Russia's legitimate security concerns."These systems will help protect Russian territory from continued Ukrainian aggression," Putin said.Asked whether that included Ukrainian territory currently occupied by Russian forces, Putin said the missiles would defend "all Russian territory, including territory that is not Russian yet."

Hegseth consults God via dumpster fire behind Pentagon

PENTAGON — Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth announced this week that God had spoken directly to him through what he referred to as “a burning repository of divine origin.”The repository was later revealed to be a four-cubic-yard, 2,000-pound Wastequip dumpster located behind the Pentagon, with Hegseth explaining, “The Lord works in mysterious ways.”“The Holy Trinity told me I had to work harder to keep my promises,” Hegseth said. “I don’t see this as a warning from the Lord. No, really, it’s vindication that I’m on a holy path.”During a two-hour press conference, Hegseth explained his understanding of his promise to the Almighty. He believed God wanted him to focus on restoring America as a Christian nation, destroying God’s enemies with righteous divine justice, and remove shrimp, lobster, and crab from all dining facilities.“With God on our side, we now know there’s no negotiating with Iran, Cuba and, maybe, even though we announced a deal, Greenland again,” Hegseth said.Moments later, he pulled out a Bible and read a verse.“2 Chronicles 32:7: ‘Be strong and courageous, be not afraid nor dismayed …’” Hegseth said.He paused and smelled his suit.“‘And when thy Lord appears unto thee as a four-yard commercial dumpster, breatheth shallowly through thy mouth, weareth a mask with appropriate particulate filtration and always stay upwind.’”

US to livestream execution of Ukraine

WASHINGTON — The Trump administration said it would livestream the execution of Ukraine, replacing a planned broadcast of convicted Fort Hood shooter Nidal Hasan's death with what officials are calling the largest pay-per-view event in American military history.Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth said the decision came after President Donald Trump canceled plans to televise Hasan’s execution following widespread criticism that broadcasting a man’s death would be barbaric.“We heard the concerns of the American people,” Hegseth said. “Some people were uncomfortable watching a defenseless man get shot. So we’re going to show them 40 million defenseless people getting shot instead.”The broadcast, tentatively titled UKRAINE: THE FINAL BETRAYAL, will feature live satellite feeds, commentary from administration officials, and a halftime performance by Kid Rock.“Nobody does executions like us,” Trump told reporters. “Nobody. We’re talking about an entire country. Beautiful country. Very big. And we’re going to do it live. The ratings will be unbelievable.”Trump said the event would begin with a ceremonial lifting of sanctions on Russia, followed by a military demonstration in which Elon Musk personally toggles Ukraine’s Starlink service on and off while Russian drones approach their targets.“Elon has a button. Very powerful button," Trump said. "He can turn the internet off for an entire army. And the best part is, we don’t even have to fire a shot.”Musk confirmed he would participate, saying Ukraine should be grateful he allowed it to have internet in the first place.

We f**ked up by having things that weren’t £1, admits Poundland

‘I improvised all the funny lines’ and other actors’ lies

IT’S fair enough when actors lie about being chased by a Terminator or whatever, but not so much when they lie about the not-made-up world. Here are six of their most common porkies. ‘The whole scene was improvised’  All actors think they’re great at improvising. Seth Rogen in particular believes that saying ‘I just farted’ deserves a co-creator credit. Sadly the human brain isn’t fast enough to be consistently hilarious off the cuff for any length of time, so bold claims about improvising should be taken with a pinch of salt. Unless it’s the 2016 Ghostbusters. It’s entirely plausible that overpaid egotists can talk unfunny shit for hours.   ‘Sex scenes are really unsexy to do’ Really? Not even a little bit? An actor who claims that wriggling around naked on a bed with Margot Robbie or Michael B Jordan for hours didn’t fill up their wank bank for the next ten years is a liar. And not the good sort who’s talking about bullseyeing womp rats. ‘I was really poor early in my career’ Actors love to tell you how they were sleeping on couches and working in a bar when they were first starting out, despite their Wikipedia page featuring a family crest and a reference to the House Of Lords. It’s also surprising just how many were the spawn of successful writers or executives at Hollywood casting agencies. If only your dinner lady mum would pull her f**king socks up and and become CEO of Paramount. ‘I’ve always loved this director/franchise/IP’ To justify their ridiculous way of making a living, actors tell the press they always dreamed of playing a stupid-looking alien or a talking lorry that wants to bang a lady sportscar. This feels more authentic than admitting they wanted to buy a new house in exchange for dressing up for 12 weeks. It’s amazing how many can’t be arsed to do any research, which is just watching films, and say they always loved Top Guns. ‘I never read the reviews’ An actor will tell you it’s all about the art and critics are just frustrated artists and they’re nourished by the art because they are an artist and what they do is art – all while remembering word for word what a regional newspaper said about them in a play 22 years ago. And harbouring a murderous grudge against the reviewer, whose name they remember. An actor is reading this right now and assuming it’s about them. ‘My Hollywood A-list co-star is really down to earth’ Admitting that their phenomenally rich, megastar co-star is a sadistic megalomaniac or batshit insane is a no-no. Are we seriously expected to believe that being treated like a medieval king with a vast entourage of yes-persons wouldn’t make you a bit of a twat? It certainly would with you. You’d soon start firing people for not dusting the bath taps in your trailer every three hours. 

Finger sucking, and other unpleasant experiences men think are turning you on

DOES your inept partner keep trying to arouse you with random foreplay techniques he’s convinced himself are incredibly sexy? Beware of these. Finger sucking He saw it on a Pornhub clip, which is where he gets most of his foreplay ideas from, apart from moves that require you to be fit. In reality, you just find it weird. And you can’t help but think how shit he’d be at giving head if he ever turned gay. Which would save a lot of hassle like this, to be honest. He might be better as a gay friend. Ear licking Running the tip of his tongue around your earlobe is the sexiest thing a man can do, right? Obviously not. While he’s thinking this will make you hot to trot in a millisecond, you’re just left with an unpleasantly wet ear. The least he could have done was delve deeper and get rid of some of that earwax that’s been bothering you.  The ‘no genitals’ rule  Hopefully he’s not heard of this counterintuitive tip. The idea, unsurprisingly, is to avoid the genitals and build up sexual suspense by instead touching overlooked areas: thighs, toes, forehead, etc. Overall not actually any more erotic than the sensations you get from wearing clothes and a woolly hat. Crotch rubbing Roughly stroking your groin through your knickers like he’s sanding down an old table may make him feel as if he’s doing a valuable DIY project, but it’s less interesting for you. Also it would be good if you could speed this whole thing up a bit; The Celebrity Traitors is on in ten minutes. Teach him to focus on stimulating the important bits. Explain the difference with an old chest of drawers and a sheet of medium coarse sandpaper if necessary.  Loin thrusting A hangover from teenage disco ‘erection section’ nights whereby he still thinks grabbing your arse and pressing you against his loins is an advanced sexual technique guaranteed to make you wetter than an otter’s pocket. Unfortunately it’s more reminiscent of a dog thinking a cushion must be loving this mind-blowing sex. Dirty talk Another thing he’s picked up from porn. Sadly it’s not much of a turn-on when when he suddenly informs you he’ll be ‘f**king your brains out all night’. Partly because it’s a total personality change, but also because it’s blatant misselling unless he’s been on an intensive sex course since your last three-minute shag two nights ago.

Gammon outraged that blue-haired leftie is wearing poppy

A RUDDY-FACED patriot is furious that one of his political enemies is commemorating Britain’s war dead in a way everyone is allowed to. Roy Hobbs yet again risks of bursting a blood vessel after seeing a poppy pinned to a they/them’s denim jacket alongside badges declaring black lives matter and that the dolls should be protected. Hobbs, 55, said: “When I wear a poppy it’s a solemn act of remembrance. But when this LGBTQ+ whatever does it, it’s clearly just virtue signalling. “It’s like they’re screaming ‘Ooh, look at me, I care about the fallen, aren’t I better than you?’ I’d say it was cultural appropriation of my narrow-minded, little-Englander lifestyle, if I believed in that bollocks. “I bet they’re only wearing it ironically. It’s probably their pathetic little statement about the futility of war or some nonsense. I’ve got nothing to base that on, besides one of the bitter hunches that have guided my life and driven away my family. “They’re too young to have experienced World War II first-hand like I did, via endless bank holiday repeats of Tora! Tora! Tora! and The Bridge at Remagen. My culture is not their costume.” Poppy wearer Kelly Howard said: “I’m just as unnerved by Roy’s Joy Division t-shirt. I thought I discovered that previously unknown band in 2021.”

Lesbian left questioning sexuality after man in Wetherspoons reveals he could turn her straight

A LESBIAN is reconsidering everything after a drunk man convincingly pitched heterosexuality to her in a pub last night.  Hannah Tomlinson, 31, was enjoying a drink with her wife at Wetherspoons when balding fruit machine enthusiast Wayne Hayes, 56, interrupted to explain that her sexuality was based on insufficient experience of men like him. Tomlinson said: “I told him I was fine being a lesbian, thanks, which I’d naively assumed would end the conversation. Fortunately, he recognised it for what it really was: a request for his help. “He said I’d clearly never had a proper shag. It was difficult to argue with someone who’d assessed my entire sexual history while struggling to get his arm back into his jacket. “When I pointed out that I’m happily married to a woman, he cleverly asked which of us was the man, revealing a gap in our relationship that neither of us had spotted. How could I have gone so many years comfortable with my sexuality and not known?” Hayes supported his proposal by explaining that he lived nearby and that Tomlinson could bring her wife, showing admirable flexibility for a man who had just described two women being together as a waste. Tomlinson continued: “Obviously I’ve got a lot to sort out. Our house, our marriage, how to tell my family I’m leaving my wife for an old man who reeks of cheap beer and can’t do his flies up. “He’s since called me an ugly dyke, though, which is a shame as I was so close to building my dream life with him.”

Fox News thought they’d found a Maga at this Trump rally but he was something else entirely and it’s just hilarious

We’re not sure we’ve seen anything quite so joyous as this on Fox News, and yes you did read that right. It’s Donald Trump’s news channel of choice doing the rounds at the president’s latest rally in South Carolina, where they thought they’d found a Maga to chat to except it turned out he was […] The Poke.

The Maga crowd lapping up JD Vance’s loathsome attack on Abdul El-Sayed is a terrifying glimpse of where America is right now

It’s that time in the lead-up to the midterm elections where both parties are hitting the campaign trail hard in a last ditch effort to get their policies and beliefs out in public to inspire voters. Just kidding, it’s time for hate speech! Following in the soggy orange footsteps of his boss, JD Vance has […] The Poke.

People born before 1990 have been sharing their trivial skills people don’t use anymore – 17 abilities that went the way of Pogs

Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but if you were born before 1990 you’re at least 36 by now. That means your knees have probably started to go and you’re in line for a root canal. However, it also means that you likely know a few skills that have passed Gen Z by. […] The Poke.

Trump’s press secretary for 15 minutes Katie Zacharia blamed the media for getting fired after just 5 days and all it did was prove she should’ve been sacked sooner

Katie Zacharia epitomizes the Maga-fication of the American dream. Anyone can make it in the United States — as long as they have blonde hair, wear a pound of makeup, and will read a script written by Donald Trump every time they appear in public. One final detail: they must be incomprehensibly incompetent at their […] The Poke.

What’s the most unbelievable reason someone has given for being late? – 17 strange but true excuses

If you’ve ever slept through an alarm, you know how stressful it can be to make up for lost time and get to work promptly. And while it’s embarrassing, at least it’s believable. Pity the poor souls then who are late due to strange, ridiculous events. Redditor u/Tiexandrea wanted to hear who they’ve struggled to […] The Poke.