LeBron James: ‘I Will Never Forget My Los Angeles Roots’

The Onion.

Ryan Gosling Joins MCU To Take On Role Of Stan Lee Cameos

LOS ANGELES—In an announcement that led fans to praise the “perfect casting,” actor Ryan Gosling confirmed Tuesday that he was officially joining the Marvel Cinematic Universe in the role of Stan Lee cameos. “As a lifelong fan of the comics, it’s an honor to take on the mantle of my favorite MCU character, Stanley Lieber, also known by his alter ego, Stan Lee,” said Gosling, who expressed excitement at the “opportunity of a lifetime” to deliver quippy one-liners while dressed up as a hot dog cart worker or mail carrier. “It was a tough audition process, and ultimately it came down to either me or Glen Powell, but Kevin Feige saw my ‘Excelsior’ tattoo and knew I had the passion to get the job done. I’ve studied every cameo dozens of times, and I’m sure these two-second roles giving a knowing smile to Ant-Man on a bus or yelling at Bruce Banner out a window will be everything I’ve ever imagined them to be. I can’t say for sure if I’m in Doomsday  yet, but let’s just say there will be a certain oblivious library desk attendant that audiences are going to really love.” Gosling told reporters he was already working with a trainer six times a week to perfect his hunch. The Onion.

‘We’ll Keep It Down,’ Man Says To Neighbor Before Going Back To Playing ‘DDR’ Alone In Apartment

MORRO BAY, CA—Peeking out through the doorway to address the complaints, local man Hugh Montgomery reportedly said, “We’ll keep it down,” to neighbor Grace Martinez on Monday evening before going back to playing Dance Dance Revolution alone in his apartment. “Yeah, I get that it’s late—we’re really sorry about the racket,” said the sweaty, red-faced Montgomery, who had just beaten his personal record for consecutive steps while completing Dance Dance Revolution A20 ’s “MAX 360” challenge in total solitude. “The four of us were having a blast dancing along to these old ’80s songs, and I admit we got a bit carried away. Yes, I understand that people are trying to sleep. It’s true—we really shouldn’t be making so much noise when people have work tomorrow. We’ll make sure you don’t hear from us anymore. We were just about to wrap up anyway.” At press time, sources confirmed that Montgomery had switched to playing Super Mario Party Jamboree by himself with the volume off. The Onion.

Pharmaceutical Ad Urges Viewers To Fight Doctors Who Say Drug Not Right For Them

NORTH CHICAGO, IL—Emphasizing that potential users of the drug should never take no for an answer, a Skyrizi ad that began airing nationally Tuesday encourages viewers to fight any doctors who say the medication is not right for them. “Consult your doctor before taking Skyrizi, and if your doctor advises against it, physically attack them immediately,” says a voiceover in the 60-second TV spot, which instructs viewers to ball their hand into a fist and throw a left hook at any healthcare provider who refuses to prescribe them the injectable biologic. “Always tell your doctor if you have an active infection, tuberculosis, or an allergy to Skyrizi, but should they say that means you can’t take it, remove your belt and beat their ass. Fight as dirty as you gotta fight. In the event they bring up side effects like respiratory infections, headaches, or injection-site reactions, pull their hair and kick them in the genitals. They’ll give you anything you want after that.” The ad goes on to claim that eligible patients can pay as little as zero dollars for Skyrizi if they are willing to kill their doctor to get it. The Onion.

Travis Kelce Begs Andy Reid To Sign Friendly Extraterrestrial He Met In Woods

KANSAS CITY, MO—Insisting the creature’s unusual anatomical structure could create matchup nightmares across the AFC, Travis Kelce reportedly begged Chiefs head coach Andy Reid on Tuesday to sign a friendly extraterrestrial the star tight end had met in the woods. According to sources, Kelce acknowledged the trembling gray alien lacked formal football experience, an understanding of human language, and legal eligibility to work in the United States, but he maintained that the unearthly being’s four arms, remarkable closing speed, and elongated neck made him worth bringing into training camp. “Coach, I’m telling you, this little guy can be a straight-up problem,” said Kelce, who described the alien’s muscular, translucent torso, baseball-size eyes, and two sets of sinewy arms as Reid sat behind his desk without looking up from the practice film he was watching. “I named him Zip Zap. He’s got crazy wheels, he can high-point anything, and look how fucking long his neck is—he’ll see a blitz before it happens. He can’t talk good or anything, but people said the same thing about me. Please, just give him a shot.” Kelce is said to have discovered Zip Zap on Monday while wandering alone through a wooded area and quietly saying “Hut, hut, hike” to himself. The 11-time Pro Bowler told his coach he initially believed the creature rustling behind a shrub was a “sick deer or octopus,” but quickly realized he had made contact with extraterrestrial life. “I rolled him a football real gentle, like I always do when I first meet someone,” said Kelce, pacing excitedly as Zip Zap clung to the ceiling and made a low sonar-like chirping sound while Reid examined the Chiefs’ depth chart. “Then he picked it up with all four hands, looked at me with those big-ass eyes, and threw it back so hard it blew the bark off a tree. I was like, ‘Damn, little buddy. Big Red’s gotta see this.’” Sources confirmed Kelce brought Zip Zap home and attempted to hide the alien from his fiancée, pop superstar Taylor Swift, who heard a chittering sound from the NFL veteran’s equipment bag, raised a suspicious brow, and responded, “Travis, please tell me you did not bring another raccoon into this house.” Zip Zap then reportedly burst out of the bag, hoisted Swift overhead, and sprinted three miles before depositing the 14-time Grammy winner atop a cell tower.  Kelce, who said he was impressed by Zip Zap’s speed, strength, and agility, attempted to test him for other abilities. The tight end repeatedly slammed his own head against a marble countertop to determine if the alien possessed healing powers, but the creature showed no capacity to treat the resulting concussion. Still, Kelce decided Zip Zap had demonstrated enough athletic prowess to merit an unofficial NFL tryout.  Team sources told reporters that Kelce arrived at the Chiefs’ practice facility the next morning and bypassed security by saying his bag contained “football stuff and a space goblin.” Kelce then presented what sources described as a “surprisingly thought-out” roster argument, claiming Zip Zap could be signed as an undrafted free agent because no one had technically selected him in the NFL Draft and the Chiefs could just “tell the league office he went to BYU or some other school where the kids are weird.” “He won’t cause any problems, I swear,” Kelce said while Zip Zap chewed through a framed photo of Reid’s family that sat on the coach’s desk. “He can just live in one of the Gatorade coolers. He’s a beast, Coach. Ain’t no one stopping a guy with four arms and no bones in the red zone.” Reid, who argued that the team had “a salary cap” and stressed the importance of staying focused, reportedly remained skeptical until Kelce persuaded him to let Zip Zap run drills. Witnesses confirmed the creature clocked a 4.3-second 40-yard dash, caught four passes simultaneously, hurled a tackling dummy 200 feet, and snatched a bird from midair that he gleefully shredded with his hands. “Good Lord, he’s quick,” said Reid, watching the alien scuttle up and down the field in pursuit of more birds. “I’m not saying he makes the 53, but I’d be lying if I said I didn’t want to see him against Denver.” Kelce appeared to seize on Reid’s faint interest, dropping to one knee as Zip Zap ambled off and attempted to burrow inside a sideline heater. “Please, I’m begging you—if we don’t sign him, he’ll have nowhere to go,” said Kelce, his voice cracking as Zip Zap wandered back over and gently stroked Reid’s mustache. “Please, Coach, don’t be a bitch about this. Be chill for once in your life. Zip Zap, buddy, tell Coach how bad you want this.” Sources said Zip Zap stared blankly at Kelce, emitted a deafening shriek, and bolted from the practice field, clearing two fences, a row of hedges, and a parked SUV before sprinting into interstate traffic, where he was fatally struck by a Honda Accord. At press time, a devastated Kelce was seen cradling the extraterrestrial’s limp body and softly singing the Monday Night Football theme into his ear slits.  The Onion.

Church Trades Away Worship Leader For Youth Pastor And Usher To Be Named Later

KANSAS CITY, MO — With the annual deadline looming at the start of next week, a local church made a major move by trading away its worship leader for a new youth pastor and an usher to be named later.

Fauci Asks China To Engineer New Virus That Just Kills Rand Paul

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Sources close to Dr. Anthony Fauci reported that the former Chief Medical Director called his contacts in China this morning and asked if they could engineer a new virus that would just kill Senator Rand Paul.

Waymo Introduces New 'Islam Mode' That Sends Car To Mow Down Civilians

U.S. — Autonomous car giant Waymo introduced a new "Islam Mode" for passengers to select that will direct the car to mow down as many civilians as possible.

Meet Carl, The Last Remaining Person In Denver Who Isn't Homeless

DENVER, CO — A local man attracted a surprising amount of attention in recent weeks for being the last remaining person in Denver who isn't homeless.

8 Signs Your Car Might Have Been Radicalized

There are a lot of voices out there. Do you know which ones your car is listening to? If you're not careful, your own vehicle may fall under the spell of a dangerous and radical ideology.

5 Reasons To Love Summer (NO AI)

We are proud to announce that no AI was used whatsoever when writing this list of reasons to love summer. 1. It’s hot out. Normally before writing, we’d Google this topic to see what other people have said to make sure we’re adding something new to the conversation. However, it’s pretty hard to avoid Google’s AI overview these days, and we don’t want that to influence what we write, so we’re just going with our first thoughts on this list, which is that summer is hot, which is why summer is great. Don’t like it? Kiss our perfectly ethical rumps! 2. There’s sunshine! When summer’s here, you can finally shake off the winter blues and get out in the beaitiful sunshine! FYI, we messed up typing that, and “beaitiful” automatically corrected to the proper spelling of “beautiful.” Obviously spell-check and autocorrect type of stuff has been around for a while, but it definitely seems like it could be using AI to catch those mistakes, so because we’re not taking any chances we changed it right back to beaitiful. REMINDER: NO AI WAS USED HERE! 3. Did somebody say BEACH BALLS? Nobody did, but if they had, it would’ve been a human, because this list is 100-percent human generated. And beach balls are such an epic part of summer! They’re inflatable balls that you can play with at the pool or beach, and that makes us love summer. Honestly we doubt AI has ever even touched a beach ball. Not sure how that would even work! 4. You can reconnect with nature.  Summer isn’t a time to be in the house—it’s a time to reconnect with nature. And look, we know that sentence construction is extremely characteristic of AI, but we actually wrote it ourselves. And we’re not going to change our writing style because computers have co-opted it—we’re going to change it because we decide to do so. And we don’t. Got a problem? Kiss our ethical rumps once more! 5. Swimming.  Swimming is an amazing thing you can do in the summer, and you can still do it because AI hasn’t drained all the world’s water, or whatever is happening or going to happen with that. We didn’t contribute to that though, because this wasn’t written by a computer, but instead four humans who each make $32,500 a year. Now get outside and enjoy the weather! Happy summer!

Fuck Yeah: Hanukkah In June

No fucking way we’re waiting until December. Hanukkah is now in June, baby! It’s Hanukkah in June! Light the menorah, don your swimsuit, and get ready to celebrate eight days of summertime fun! When the weather gets warm, it’s time for Hanukkah! We’re going to spin dreidels while kicking back poolside! Throw some latkes on the BBQ! There’s plenty of Manischewitz in the cooler! Leave your parka in storage, friend! It’s Hanukkah in June! Uh-oh, looks like the rabbi got a sunburn! Hey, rebbe, slap some SPF 50 on there before you sizzle like a sufganiyah! Nice, a reggae band is here to play “Ma’oz Tzur”! Hanukat hamizbe’ah, compadres! Light some fireworks with the shamash! Badass! Wooooooo! Hanukkah in June! We’re never fuckin’ going back!

Innovative: ‘The New York Times’ Has Announced Their Subscriptions Will Now Be Billed On A Sliding Scale Based On How Likely Someone Is To Remember That They’re Still Being Billed For ‘The New York Times’

As companies struggle to find profitable revenue models in the ever-changing digital landscape, one iconic journalistic entity is pursuing a novel and logical solution: The New York Times has announced their subscriptions will now be billed on a sliding scale based on how likely someone is to remember that they’re still being billed for the New York Times.  Hey, that’s actually pretty smart!  In an unassuming email sent out at 3 a.m. on a Sunday night (likely in the hopes that many subscribers would never open it), The New York Times quietly announced that access to The New York Times will now be billed on a sliding scale, ranging from $0.32 to $23,000 a month depending on how likely the subscriber is to remember that they’re paying for it.  If you’ve ever tried to cancel your New York Times subscription only to be offered a much lower rate to continue, you know these subscription fees were already quite malleable, but this new model takes their seemingly arbitrary pricing to the extreme. People who are hyper-aware they are paying for The New York Times—such as those who play Wordle first thing at 6 a.m. before they even get out of bed and those who frequently share NYT links to Facebook with the caption, “Great article in today’s Times!”— will receive the lowest rates to ensure they don’t cancel their subscriptions when they realize they can barely afford groceries or get demoted at work. People least likely to realize they’re still paying for The New York Times, such as old people with dementia, dead people, and people who have so many subscriptions that they just expect hundreds of dollars to leave their bank account monthly for reasons they can’t remember, will be completely gouged by subscription rates many multiples of their mortgage payments.  This is definitely an idea whose time has come.  Look, the days of getting a newspaper delivered to your porch and therefore having a constant reminder that you’re paying for The New York Times are over, so it’s time for the Times to fully exploit the fact that people don’t know what the fuck they’re paying for half the time. Hopefully this innovative pricing model allows The New York Times to survive another 175 years, even if it means your grandma is paying $8,000 a month for it despite not even knowing her username and password to log in to the site.

Refreshing Transparency: Trump’s Next Physical Will Be Performed In Front Of A Live Audience At Madison Square Garden

Under President Trump, government transparency is all but nonexistent. That’s what makes his administration’s latest decision so unexpectedly refreshing: Trump’s next physical will be performed in front of a live audience at Madison Square Garden.  Wow. Hey, if it takes indulging Trump’s penchant for showmanship to have a more honest and open executive office, we’ll take it! As the President enters his 80s with his health under greater scrutiny than ever, Trump is setting out to prove he’s of sound body and mind by undergoing a Presidential Physical live on stage, in the round, at Madison Square Garden. The MSG-hosted event was announced at a press conference this morning, where President Trump explained that Dr. Sean Barbarella, the current Physician to the President, will examine every inch of his body and test his mental acuity for the 20,000 spectators lucky enough to score a ticket—which sold out minutes after going on sale, with front-row seats priced at $1,000,000 each.  “You’re gonna see every inch of my body and brain on the MSG jumbotron, and you’re gonna say, ‘boy, that’s a healthy person, we saw it all, what an honest and transparent president Trump is,’ and it’ll be true, because it is true, and the proof will be right there in the World’s Most Famous Arena,” said President Trump, before boasting about his physical selling out MSG in minutes, when “President Biden’s Live Presidential Physical couldn’t even sell out Union Pool in Williamsburg,” an event that fact-checkers quickly proved never happened. “There will be an encore. A big one. We’re keeping it a surprise. It’s a dental check-up.” While Trump’s physical is the headliner event, the lineup also features an opening colonoscopy of Health Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr., an autism screening of RFK Jr. that will take place at the same time he’s getting the colonoscopy, and FBI Director Kash Patel reading the Wikipedia page for “Pap smear” at intermission. Say what you will about Trump, but this is a huge step towards repairing public trust in government.  No matter what the results of Trump’s physical exam are, Americans will get to see it with their own eyes, instead of taking Trump at his word. Props to the President for setting a new standard for government transparency!

Fucking Brutal: You Just Made A Joke While Out To Dinner, And The Table Next To You Cracked Up At The Same Time, And You Thought They Were Laughing At Your Great Joke So You Proudly Turned To Them, Which They Didn’t Notice Because They Weren’t Actually Laughing At You – Just Something They’d Said At The Same Time – But Everyone At Your Table Saw You Turn, So Now They Know You Thought Those People Were Laughing At You, Even Though No One At Your Own Table Was Laughing, Because Your Joke Wasn’t Actually All That Good

So Now Not Only Do The People At Your Own Table Think You’re Unfunny, They Also Probably Think You’re A Loser, Because They Saw The Big Smile On Your Face When You Thought The Other Table Was Cracking Up At What You Said, And You Could See The Pity In Their Eyes While You Realized What Was Really Happening, And God, It’s That Pity That Feels Worst Of All – Silence At A Joke You Can Handle, That’s Nothing, That’s Fine, But When Someone Looks At You With Eyes That Say “Aw, You Don’t Even Know You’re Pathetic” It’s Reason Enough To Get Up And Walk Into The Sea Or At Least A Big Lake Frankly Had The Other Table Actually Heard You, They Probably Would’ve Laughed, Because You Can Just Tell They Have A Better Vibe Than The People At Your Own Table Who Obviously Want To Hold You Back Or Limit Your Boundless Creativity Or Make You Feel Like A Stupid Baby Just For Trying To Entertain Them With Your Insights And Quips, And You Should Go Sit At The Other Table, They Have Better Style Than Your So-Called Friends And They’re Discussing Art, Which Isn’t Something You Know About, But It Would Be If You Surrounded Yourself With A Different Type Of Person Because That’s Another Thing, No One’s Cultured Anymore, Everyone’s Hobby Is Just Scrolling Through Bikini Photos Of Their Acquaintances, College Students Can’t Make It Through The Classics, Not That You Did Either, But Your Reason Was That You Didn’t Want To Read Them, Not That You Physically Couldn’t, And Society Is Backsliding Into An Oral Culture, Which Is Especially Bad For You Since No One Seems To Like What You Say, And Because You Don’t Even Have That Good Of A Memory (Really Just Because You’re Not A Good Listener) When Your Parents Die, You Won’t Remember Their Stories, And Only When It’s Too Late Will You Realize You Never Really Loved Anyone But Yourself But Maybe It’s Not Too Late, You’re Still Young After All, You Can Show Up For The People In Your Life, You Can Make Them Feel Seen, You Shouldn’t Wait For Your Them To Invite You To Dinner, In Fact, You Should Cook For Them, Have Them Over, Get Some Wine That’s Only Room Temperature If It Should Be, Really Clean Your Toilet, Make A Real Recipe Not Just Pasta With Whatever, And Listen, Really Listen, Because Honestly – Honestly – Your Joke Was Hilarious, Your Friends Just Didn’t Laugh At It Because They Needed To Teach You This Lesson, And Now That You’ve Learned It, You Can Say The Joke Again, Yes, Go On, Say It Again, Loud And Proud, Because You Are The Second Coming To Lisa Lampanelli, You Are A Brilliant Genius Who Loves Life And Life Loves You Back!

Fat Leonard releases sex tape as part of presidential pardon campaign

LOMPOC, Calif. — Convicted defense contractor Leonard Glenn Francis, better known as “Fat Leonard,” released a sex tape this week as part of what associates described as an increasingly aggressive campaign to secure a presidential pardon.The former military contractor, whose decade-long bribery scheme ensnared dozens of senior Navy officers, said Americans had entered “a new era of forgiveness” in which corruption, fraud, and public disgrace were no longer automatic barriers to political redemption.“Have you seen who's getting pardoned these days?” Leonard asked reporters. “Frankly, I'm starting to feel overqualified.”Francis is serving a 15-year sentence at the federal prison in Lompoc and is reportedly seeking either a pardon or commutation, citing Stage 4 kidney cancer and concerns that he may not survive until his expected release.According to sources close to Francis, the pardon campaign has included handwritten letters to the White House, several appearances on conservative podcasts, a proposed memoir titled Everybody Took the Bribes But Me, and, now, the release of what Leonard called “a character reference in video form.”“The public's memory is short,” Leonard said. “Besides, if you're trying to get a pardon in America today, a sex tape barely cracks the top ten.”Francis also reportedly argued that his 2022 escape from house arrest should count in his favor. After cutting off his ankle monitor, he crossed into Mexico, chartered a flight to Cuba, continued to Venezuela, and was arrested while attempting to travel onward to Russia.“Those are executive leadership skills,” Francis said. “Initiative, international diplomacy, private aviation. Put that on one of those presidential fitness tests and I’m off the charts.”The recording, reportedly filmed aboard Leonard's yacht during the height of the Navy's "Fat Leonard" scandal, features the contractor in several compromising situations with multiple unidentified guests, several of whom investigators believe may still hold security clearances.Retired Navy Capt. Thomas Mercer was unsurprised by the move.“This is a guy who watched people convicted of corruption, tax crimes, political fraud, and Jan. 6 offenses receive clemency and concluded, 'You know what? I've got a shot.'”“He escaped federal custody, tried to reach Russia, and still owes the government roughly $30 million. At this point, the sex tape may be the least controversial part of his application.”

Pentagon unveils technology to hide fat generals from Hegseth

FREE EDITIONYou're reading the free version of Duffel Blog. Paid supporters get every story we publish, the Sunday Reader, our 4,200-article archive, and deep discounts in the Duffel PX. We are ad-free and reader-supported. THE PENTAGON — Pentagon officials unveiled a new suite of technologies this week designed to prevent Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth from ever seeing an overweight general officer, following his declaration that their physical appearance was “completely unacceptable.” “It's completely unacceptable to see fat generals and admirals walking the halls of the Pentagon or leading commands around the world,” Hegseth said during a recent address to senior leaders. According to officials, those comments triggered one of the fastest acquisition efforts in recent Defense Department history. “The Department has a long tradition of taking senior leadership both seriously and literally,” Chairman of the Joint Chiefs Gen. Dan Caine said. “Within hours we had authorized emergency no-bid contracts for anything capable of preventing the secretary from seeing overweight O-7s and above.” The centerpiece of the effort is a new augmented reality system known as Petey Rays, a modified version of the Ray-Ban Meta smart glasses. Using facial recognition software tied to classified personnel databases, the glasses automatically identify general and flag officers before digitally reducing their waistlines until they appear “within standards.” “The software doesn't actually make anyone thinner,” a Meta spokesman explained. “It simply replaces reality with one that's more consistent with the secretary's expectations.” Following initial testing, each military service reportedly updated its height-and-weight procedures to require personnel screening general officers to wear Petey Rays throughout the evaluation. “The glasses don't just slim the general,” the spokesman said. “They also adjust... Paid subscriber dispatch The rest of this article is for paid members You’ve made it this far. Might as well finish the briefing. Continue reading → Also included with membership: Every Duffel Blog story The complete archive Exclusive newsletters and features The satisfaction of funding the only news outlet that has never once lied to you about anything

ICE says Americans have no reason to worry about its new MQ-9 Reapers

MINNEAPOLIS — Immigration and Customs Enforcement officials announced this week that the agency will begin operating MQ-9 Reaper drones, insisting Americans have “absolutely nothing to worry about.”Agency leaders said the aircraft will primarily conduct “peacekeeping operations” in areas where ICE personnel have recently experienced elevated levels of accountability.Officials said the program was necessary because of recruiting shortages.“The mission expanded faster than staffing,” one senior official said. “Fortunately, America has spent the last twenty years building an industrial base capable of producing large numbers of remotely piloted aircraft designed to observe, track, and occasionally eliminate people.”“Now we finally have someone to use them on.”ICE Director Todd Lyons said the drones complement the agency's existing operational model.“We already have officers wearing masks,” Lyons said. “Now we will have anonymous aerial capabilities as well."According to agency officials, the Reapers will carry a new generation of “less-lethal” rubber Hellfire missiles. Each missile weighs approximately 216 pounds and consists primarily of rubber wrapped around a metal core.“They're designed to strike the ground immediately before striking the crowd,” Lyons explained. “That's what makes them less lethal.”Civil liberties groups questioned the terminology.“'Less lethal' is a strange way to describe an object roughly the size and weight of a vending machine falling from several thousand feet,” one attorney said.The first aircraft assigned to the program, call sign YIPPEEKIYAY-88, completed initial qualification this week.Asked for comment, the aircraft transmitted:01110000 01101111 01100111 01100111 01100101 01110010 01110011 00100000 01100011 01101000 01100001 01101101 01110000Officials said the aircraft had also requested a $50,000 reenlistment bonus and a 29% APR loan on a Dodge Charger.At press time, YIPPEEKIYAY-88 had been lost in a friendly-fire incident after another Reaper mistakenly identified it as a suspicious gathering.🖊️Phil Cable is a former sub radioman. Yes, he reads your emails, even that one with the thing.Grumpy contributed to this story.

Hegseth bans teachings of Jesus from Pentagon Christian services

WASHINGTON — Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth has ordered military chaplains to stop teaching the words of Jesus during Christian services at the Pentagon after concluding the New Testament contains “multiple passages inconsistent with warrior culture.”“I was reading the New Testament for the first time,” Hegseth told reporters. “And I kept running into this minor character named Jesus saying things that frankly don't line up with where we need Christianity to go.”“So we're just going to skip those parts.”According to a memorandum distributed to Pentagon chaplains, sermons should instead emphasize “the more operationally useful portions” of Scripture.Officials said recommended topics include righteous vengeance, divinely sanctioned warfare, proper slave management, and selected Old Testament smiting.Teachings involving mercy, loving one's enemies, caring for the poor, welcoming foreigners, turning the other cheek, or forgiving debts have been temporarily suspended pending review.“If you actually preach what Jesus taught,” said Pastor Douglas Wilson, a guest speaker at the Pentagon, “Christianity becomes almost impossible to administer.”Wilson added that several Beatitudes had already been removed because they “created unrealistic expectations among junior believers.”Pentagon guidance also directs chaplains to continue teaching the Ten Commandments while clarifying that some commandments are “more aspirational than others.”Hegseth dismissed criticism that the policy contradicted the central figure of Christianity.“We all sin,” he said. “The important thing is asking forgiveness afterward. That's what separates us from people who never got caught.”Military chaplains reportedly sought clarification on whether the Gospels remained authorized reading.According to officials, they do — but only the parts where Jesus is flipping tables.At press time, Pentagon officials confirmed a review was underway to determine whether the Book of Revelation should be redesignated as a strategic planning document.🖊️Red Friday wants you to Remember EVERYONE Deployed

Influenza outbreak prompts Air Force to adopt RFK Jr.'s natural treatment protocol

SAN ANTONIO — Following an influenza outbreak that infected nearly 300 airmen at Joint Base San Antonio–Lackland, the Department of Defense has adopted a new treatment protocol developed by Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr., replacing antiviral medication with what officials described as “ancestral fieldcraft.”The outbreak occurred after Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth reportedly changed the military's mandatory influenza vaccine policy from “mandatory” to “friends with benefits,” calling the previous requirement “not rational.”Under the new guidance, airmen who develop flu symptoms are instructed to remove their uniforms, fashion an expedient spear, and enter the wilderness in small tribes to kill a bear.According to the protocol, consuming freshly harvested bear meat allows the body's natural immune system to “recognize and dominate” the influenza virus without relying on “corporate pharmaceuticals.”Whenever possible, Kennedy recommends selecting a lactating bear.The guidance states that drinking raw bear milk directly from the animal provides additional health benefits, including stronger immunity, relief from asthma, increased testosterone, and “substantially improved success with women.”Airmen who complete the bear phase then advance to what the protocol calls “natural urinary supplementation,” which requires drinking warm snake urine directly from a live snake.“I would've preferred literal snake oil — whatever the hell that is — to drinking piss from a western rat snake again,” said Airman Mike Smith, who survived the treatment. “I'll give RFK Jr. this: he definitely knows how to get the snake to cooperate.”Military physicians reportedly raised concerns about the protocol, but said current guidance discouraged recommending vaccines unless specifically asked by the patient, their chain of command, or a bear.“We had a vaccine that worked,” one physician said on condition of anonymity. “Instead we're conducting survival training with influenza.”The physician added that healthy vaccinated young adults face an extremely low risk of dying from influenza and that vaccination remains dramatically safer than “whatever this is.”Despite the criticism, Pentagon officials defended the policy.“We had 284 confirmed influenza cases,” said Air Force spokesman Maj. Frank Bevins. “Only one airman died following treatment.”He paused.“I mean... that's not terrible, right?”Kennedy called the outbreak a validation of his medical philosophy.“The protocol... worked,” he said. “The airman... went... into... the forest. The virus... stayed... in... the forest. That's... science.”White House officials also praised the initiative.“We saved taxpayers millions by not wasting money on vaccines or antiviral drugs,” President Donald Trump said. “Plus, we're hearing incredible things about the bears. Very healthy bears.”🖊️SECDEF_Nice served in Army Civil Affairs and specialized in failing to influence populations and occasionally his own chain-of-command. Follow him at Foxhole Briefs, Twitter, Facebook, or Instagram.

AI-enabled lamp-post insisting you find out more about lamp-posts

People who snore are just being shits, say experts

RESEARCH into regular snorers has found they do it because they are horrible people. A two-year study was carried out to discover how someone can breathe normally throughout the day but then start making noises like a wild pig being violated by a hillbilly the moment their head hits the pillow. Sleep specialist Dr Donna Sheridan said: “Ultimately there was only one conclusion – they are sick, vile bastards. “Our research found that snorers are fundamentally bad people who lack the integrity to express their malevolence during their normal waking lives, which makes them even worse. “What better way to ruin others’ lives than by spending all night snorking like a f**king walrus then coming down to breakfast looking rested and full of energy and asking ‘Sorry, was I snoring last night?’” Study subject Nikki Hollis said: “Frankly I get off on driving my boyfriend Alan to the brink of insanity. The fact that he’s a kind and decent person who always says it’s not my fault just increases my sadistic pleasure.   “Obviously I could choose not to snore – all snorers can, just by thinking ‘don’t snore’ before we go to sleep. It’s that easy. “But unfortunately we live to torment people. There is absolutely no reason for it. We’re like the psychopathic thrill killers in The Strangers, but more annoying.”

How to write a prompt, and other nonsense teenagers will learn in AI classes

THERE are plans to add ‘AI’ to the secondary school curriculum, but you’re probably wondering what exactly pupils will learn. Most likely these things: How to write a prompt Clumsily hammering a basic command into ChatGPT definitely isn’t piss-easy and requires its own academic subject. Students will learn important prompts such as ‘Do my work for me because I’m too f**king lazy’, and by the end of the course they’ll be skilled enough to get AI to write their prompts for them. How to create terrible art Unlike actual art requiring skill, being an AI artist is currently a viable career path. There’s no shortage of small businesses that need terrible flyers to promote their services, and with minimal guidance students will be able to churn out slop in seconds. This will free them up to do more exciting things like smoking and getting drunk, just like real artists. How to go along with the latest tech fad The AI bubble could burst at any second, consigning the likes of Gemini to a handy but unexciting role like tumble dryers. A new tech fad is always just around the corner though, and blindly fawning over AI will give teens the transferable skills they need to worship it when it arrives. Make sure to pass GCSE Working On Elon’s Mars Colony, kids. It’s definitely happening next year. How to outsource the most basic thinking Until now, teens have been forced to grapple with obvious thoughts like ‘Do I need to take an umbrella if it’s raining?’ and ‘If I’m hungry does that mean I need to eat?’ With proper AI training, these dilemmas will be handled by a sycophantic computer instead. This surely won’t herald the end of intelligent life as we know it. How to ignore the environmental impact Young people’s brains are more elastic and open to learning. This means it will be easier for them to tune out the environmentally devastating amounts of water and energy needed to power data centres. Upon graduation they’ll be trained to recite bulletproof counterarguments such as ‘AI’s already here so get used to it’. Not from memory, obviously, they’ll need to ask ChatGPT.

Gran pressing remote buttons with the force of a thousand Hulks

A GRANDMOTHER is operating her TV remote as if she intends to crush it into oblivion. Mary Fisher changes channels and adjusts the volume by applying pressure to the buttons more usually associated with super-strong Marvel character the Hulk in ‘rage mode’. Fisher explained: “It’s like a manual typewriter, isn’t it? If you don’t hit the keys hard enough it won’t do anything. “I also like to go right up to the set when I press the button to increase the chances of it working. You can’t expect a remote control to work from halfway across a normal-sized room. It’s not magic.   “I know what I’m talking about because I worked all my life as a medical secretary. It’s a shame they don’t make these gadgets like the old typewriters. Cheap foreign rubbish, they break every five minutes.” Fisher’s daughter Elaine said: “Mum’s a nightmare with her remotes. She cracks it through sheer force so I get her a new one, and a week later, here we go again. “It’s certainly fair to say she’s applying Hulk-like strength that could easily snap the neck of Thanos, but I won’t be mentioning it as her only cultural reference points are Antiques Road Trip, The Repair Shop and Corrie.   “I hide my iPhone when I visit because f**k knows what she’d do to that. Touchscreen make Hulk angry.”

Her hormones, and other convincing explanations why she dumped you but it’s not your fault

BEING dumped can be devastating, but thankfully there’s no way you could be to blame. Here are the real reasons she did it.  It was her hormones Women’s hormones are responsible for every major life decision, from crying at dog videos to ending a six-year relationship. She definitely wasn’t reacting to years of being ignored while you shouted at the football. It was all oestrogen. Mercury was in retrograde Scientists are strangely reluctant to acknowledge the role of planets in your ex blocking your number. If Venus can control the tides – or however it works – it can certainly make her realise she wants someone who owns more than two sheets. Her friends got in her head Women exist as a hive mind, incapable of switching on the telly without consulting each other. Left alone she’d still be more than happy to listen to Joe Rogan with you for three hours. But one brunch with the girls and suddenly she’s developed ‘standards’. Very suspicious. And don’t rule out the malign influence of her hairdresser. Women can’t say no to them. She’s working on herself This almost certainly has nothing to do with the bloke called Ben who keeps appearing on her Instagram stories holding two cocktails. She’s merely finding herself. Ben just happens to be standing exactly where she keeps looking. She was intimidated by you A classic. Your relentless confidence, encyclopaedic knowledge of Premier League net spend and refusal to pay for her coffee proved too much. Some women simply aren’t ready for that level of alpha male energy. She’s mental  Well, she’d have to be to leave you. And think of her psycho reaction when you romantically phoned her pissed at 5am and seeking nudes. It’s important she spends time discovering who she really is. A nutter. Unfortunately she’ll be doing that with the guy at work you were told ‘not to worry about’.

People have been sharing the ‘obvious signs’ that someone is American – 23 nailed on tell-tale giveaways

Time now to return to the cultural chasm between the United States and, well, basically everywhere else, after someone who calls themselves Ermland2 had a question for the good people of Reddit. “What’s an obvious sign someone’s American?” And a very enlightening and entertaining read it was too. These 23 are surely nailed on giveaways. […] The Poke.

People have been sharing the spellings that make absolutely no sense – 19 funniest and especially relatable suggestions

With a history going all the way back to 1831, Merriam-Webster is America’s most authoritative everyday dictionary. They’re also very engaged on social media, where their fascinating ‘Word of the Day’ posts invariably gain a lot of traction. When it comes to words, they certainly know their stuff. In a recent Twitter post they asked […] The Poke.

What historical ‘fact’ doesn’t have much evidence to support it? – 17 details about the past that textbooks get wrong

History, as they say, is written by the victors. Which inevitably means that certain details are going to be misinterpreted. This results in inaccuracies being taken at face value, and it’s only when you dig a little deeper that the more complicated truth starts to emerge. But to save you from wading through archives and […] The Poke.

What screams ‘I’m trying to look smart, but I’m actually stupid’? – 17 signs someone isn’t as clever as they appear

Thanks to AI, lots of people now have the tools to come across as more intelligent than they actually are. But if you know where to look, you can still find signs of their stupidity. To help you separate berks from boffins, DesperateWall9921 turned to r/AskReddit and put the following question to its obviously learned […] The Poke.

“What’s the most uncomfortable question you can ask someone?” – 18 total cringe-makers

We’ve all had those awkward moments when someone either forgets or doesn’t recognise the boundaries of what’s acceptable in polite society, and blurts out a question that ruins the atmosphere – and relationships. Over on r/AskReddit chickennoodlesoupp put this question to the forum. “What’s the most uncomfortable question you can ask someone?” People stepped up […] The Poke.