JD Vance Still Waiting For Secret Service To Retrieve Him From Secure Hiding Area

The Onion.

Trump Claims Correspondents’ Dinner Shooting Reinforces Need To End Journalism

WASHINGTON—Declaring that the frightening incident underscored a point he had been making for many years, President Donald Trump claimed Monday that the shooting at the White House Correspondents’ Dinner reinforced the need to end journalism. “Over the weekend, there was an act of horrible violence that never would’ve happened if we didn’t have a free press,” said Trump, adding that the senseless crime would have been impossible if anyone had taken his repeated pleas to repeal the First Amendment seriously. “I’ve spent years trying to warn people of the danger involved in holding my administration accountable for its actions, and look where we are now. We can’t undo the past, but I hope this terrible event proves once and for all that journalism must be banned and banned right now. If it isn’t, then it’s only a matter of time before there’s another, and even more tragic, shooting.” Trump later conceded he was cautiously encouraged by the growing number of media outlets that had assumed some responsibility and made progress in letting him get away with everything. The Onion.

Report: You Probably Due To Experience Big Life Tragedy Soon

LEXINGTON, KY—Researchers at the University of Kentucky published a study Monday confirming that you should brace yourself for a massive personal disaster, because you are probably due to experience a big life tragedy soon. “Our results have found that since it’s been so long since you had something absolutely terrible happen to you, there is likely a massive calamity coming right down the pipeline,” said researcher Sean LaMonte, adding that you could expect there to be a day in the next month or so when you would wake up to 12 missed calls from everyone in your family, and that the reason would likely tear your life apart. “Your friend’s parents have been dying off lately, could be something with that. Or perhaps there’s a major career setback lurking right around the corner for you. There’s no telling exactly what is going to happen, but mathematically it’s going to be in the near future and it’s going to be real fucking awful.” LaMonte claimed the only way you could feasibly prepare was to remain paralyzed in fear until the tragedy occurred. The Onion.

Phone, Porn Addictions Converging Nicely

The Onion.

Political Profile: Kash Patel

Kash Patel’s time as FBI director has been plagued by accusations of chaotic behavior, binge drinking, and unexplained absences. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the head of the federal law enforcement agency. Claim To Fame: First person to give up looking for Nancy Guthrie Office Nickname: Shhh, He’s Right There Greatest Asset: 360-degree field of vision Signature Look: “Oh you definitely took too much, bro.” Case He’s Currently Working On: Heinekens Biggest Case Solved: Which bar he left credit card at Girlfriend: Living large while she can Blood Alcohol Level: 0.63 Hegseths The Onion.

Struggling New York Mets To Start Mr. Met At Third Base

NEW YORK, NY — Following a brutal 9-19 start to the season, the struggling New York Mets announced that the team would start beloved mascot Mr. Met at third base.

Liberals Applaud Improving Diversity Of Would-Be Trump Assassins

U.S. — Following the harrowing incident at the White House Correspondents' Dinner over the weekend, progressives across the United States applauded the steadily improving diversity of would-be Trump assassins.

Architect Carefully Designs Airport So Rental Car Center Is Conveniently Located 75 Miles Away

DENVER, CO — In a groundbreaking move for municipal infrastructure, lead architect Gerald Hinkley unveiled blueprints for a renovated Denver International Airport yesterday, proudly showcasing a rental car center situated just 75 miles from the main terminal.

Trump Enters Ceasefire Talks With Democrats

WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Trump announced on Monday that his administration had officially entered into ceasefire talks with the Democrats.

After Failed Assassination, Democrats Observe Customary 5-Minute Pause On Calling Trump 'Hitler'

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a the wake of yet another failed assassination attempt against President Trump, leading Democrats across the nation announced they would observe the long-standing tradition of a five-minute pause in calling Trump "literally Hitler".

Close, But No Cigar: The Butterflies Mom Thinks Are A Sign That Grandpa Wants Her To Know He’s In A Better Place Are Actually Signs That The Late John McCain Wants Her To Kill For Him

Brace yourself, because this is a story about a misunderstanding that’s as embarrassing as they come: The butterflies Mom thinks are a sign that Grandpa wants her to know he’s in a better place are actually signs that the late John McCain wants her to kill for him. Close but no cigar, Mom. Right butterflies, wrong dead guy.   Ever since Grandpa died in 2018, Mom has interpreted every butterfly she’s seen in her garden or out and about as a message from Grandpa, who she thinks is trying to tell her that he made it to heaven, was reunited with Grandma, and is now experiencing the peace of God’s love. Somehow, she’s totally clueless to the fact that the butterflies are in fact desperate missives from deceased US Senator John McCain, with meanings ranging from “Kill Donald Trump,” to “Kill Melania Trump,” to “Go to Hollywood and strangle Whoopi Goldberg. Make it look like an accident.” It’s unclear why John McCain targeted Mom in particular for these missions—maybe he just thinks she’s a competent lady, or that no one would suspect her as an assassin—but whatever the reason, he’s been trying to get through to her with no luck for upwards of seven years.   Just last Mother’s Day, Mom saw four different butterflies at our family picnic, and she was 100% convinced it meant that Grandpa wanted her to know she’s a great mother to her four kids. If only she’d been more tuned in to the messages of the universe, she would have known that Mother’s Day 2025 was the day John McCain was hoping to eliminate both Michelle and Barack Obama, Malia Obama, and a guy from his neighborhood who once dented his car and didn’t leave a note. The butterflies were supposed to scream, “Today is the day to spill blood in my honor, Kelly. Today is the day of reckoning,” but for Mom, they were nothing more than a heartwarming message from her late father.   Damn. Mom is seriously blind and deaf to the messages she’s getting from the beyond. John McCain needs lots of people killed, and it looks like Mom is never gonna do it. All because she’s fixated on stupid Grandpa. Keep sending butterflies, John, and maybe she’ll wise up!

A True God Complex: President Trump Just Posted An AI-Generated Photo Of Himself Winning An Oscar For Best Sound Design For ‘Sinners’

Just when you thought President Trump couldn’t be more of an egomaniac, he comes out and does something as sickeningly narcissistic and deluded as this: President Trump just posted an AI-generated photo of himself winning an Oscar for Best Sound Design for Sinners. Seriously, President Trump?! ‘Egomaniac’ doesn’t even begin to describe this guy. Despite the widespread backlash he recently saw for posting an AI-made image of himself as Jesus Christ on Truth Social, President Trump’s megalomania has turned to AI for another recklessly conceited tribute to himself – this time, winning an Academy Award for Best Sound Design for Ryan Coogler’s Sinners, a film that President Trump absolutely did not do the sound design for and that wasn’t even nominated in this category to begin with. When White House Press asked the President clarify his intent by posting this gen-AI image claiming a fictional cinematic achievement, President Trump responded by claiming that “the Fake News Media is just angry that Joe Biden, Kamala Harris, JD Vance, and Rosie O’Donnell were also nominated for a Best Sound Design Oscar but lost to [Trump].” “Joe Biden did a horrible job designing The Wild Robot’s sound, I had to mute the movie to finish it – and I know for a fact his aides had to do it all for him, everyone knows that,” claimed President Trump. “Biden has no clue what he’s doing in Avid Pro Tools. He doesn’t know the first thing about using SFX to aid visual transitions, and he has no business even trying. While Sinners is horrible D.E.I. garbage, it is the best sounding film of all time, and that’s because Trump knows EQ-ing, layering, and how to mix dialogue better than anyone in Hollywood history.” President Trump’s comfort with posting vainglorious misinformation is deeply concerning, especially seeing how quick his followers were to defend Trump’s Sound Design Oscar as genuine. Hours after the gen-AI photo was posted on Truth Social, Dune: Part Two’s sound design team, who actually won the award this year, was reportedly doxxed and swatted by MAGA extremists. Trump’s self-confidence is as unearned as his gen-AI Oscar for Sinners’ Sound Design. No one on Earth is more full of themselves! It’s truly getting more embarrassing to be an American every day. Our President is using AI to lie about winning Academy Award production categories, while everyday people are struggling to keep afloat. Clearly, stroking his own ego is a bigger priority than serving the people. Just awful.

This Bathroom Graffiti Of A Vagina May Be A Bit Crude, But It’s Better Than Having To Masturbate To A Blank Stall Wall

Take a look at this graffiti of a vagina that someone hastily scrawled on the stall door of a Poughkeepsie, NY rest stop men’s bathroom.  What do you notice?  Not the most technically accomplished representation of a vagina, perhaps? Maybe that it appears to have been drawn by someone with limited knowledge of a woman’s anatomy?  Well, while the drawing may be a bit crude, masturbating to it is certainly better than having to masturbate to a blank stall wall.  This is a classic “beggars can’t be choosers” scenario. And when many people are put into situations like this one, they freeze up and don’t masturbate at all.  It’s scenarios like this that separate the dreamers from the doers.  Let’s break it down: In this bathroom stall you have very limited masturbation opportunities. Doing it to a crass, juvenile drawing of a vagina may not be ideal, but it’s still going to be a lot easier to get your nut out focusing on that than focusing on the nearly-empty toilet paper dispenser on the wall next to you or the poorly laid tile beneath your feet. Sure, the chrome stall door latch kind of looks like a face, and you could squint and pretend it was a beautiful woman, but in a bathroom as stinky as this, efficiency is important.  Have you heard the saying, “Don’t let perfect be the enemy of good”? Sure, we all have. But it’s time to start actually applying it.  You can sit here all day hoping that someone will come along and paint a more realistic vagina on your bathroom stall. You can punch the stall door in frustration that this vagina looks so crappy. You can get some toilet paper wet and try to form it into a pair of breasts.  Or you can just accept reality and start taking care of business.

Sign Of The Times: This Baby’s First Words Were ‘Vaccinate Me’

If you wanted an indication of just how contentious the culture wars surrounding vaccinations have become, this story should help you understand exactly how this hot-button issue is currently tearing our society apart at the seams: This baby’s first words were “vaccinate me.” Wow. This is an absolutely undeniable sign of the times. Ten-month-old Walker Andrews was playing with his parents earlier this week when the babbling infant suddenly turned to his mother and happily blurted out “vaccinate me,” the first recognizable words the infant had ever said. Though Walker is by all accounts a normal, healthy American baby, it’s a sad commentary on the state of our nation that the very first thing he did upon acquiring the ability to speak was to demand a cocktail of immunizations. He’s basically dragged his parents into one of the most polarizing controversies currently gripping American society. “I guess he’s always preferred watching YouTube videos about mumps and polio inoculations to watching ‘Sesame Street’ and ‘Peppa Pig,’” said Walker’s mother Brianna as she watched her son jab himself in the arm with a plastic syringe. “When he was around six months old he was always pointing at needles, and he would clap his hands and laugh every time we drove past a CVS, so I guess we should have realized he was one of those babies who are really into vaccines.” For the past several days, Walker has been happily crawling around shouting “vaccinate me” at every person he sees. His parents say that for the past few nights he’s lain awake in his crib babbling the phrase to himself over and over.  We’re going to just be honest here: There’s never been a clearer signal that the great debate over vaccines has reached a moment of crisis While “vaccinate me” is still the only phrase Walker says with any frequency, Brianna says that Walker has recently also said the phrases “innoculate Walker” and “Jab jab jab.” His father, Brian, also reported that yesterday morning he was changing his son’s diaper when the infant blurted out, “I don’t care if I become autistic,” a sure sign that Walker finds the current flame wars over the alleged side effects of vaccinations to be completely irrelevant. This is a baby who wants to be immunized no matter what. Absolutely fascinating. While the debate over vaccines continues to rage, experts say it’s likely that we’ll start seeing many more children demanding shots at an increasingly early age. Our society is going to have to figure out what to do with a new population of infants who are ready to weigh in on the controversy.

The Price Of Hubris: This Kid’s Crayola Marker Sword Has Broken Into Pieces After He Recklessly Added A Seventh Marker

One first-grade student just learned the hard way that unchecked ambition can lead people to total ruin: This kid’s Crayola marker sword has broken into pieces after he recklessly added a seventh marker. It might be devastating, but this is the price you pay for hubris. When seven-year-old Crispin Oakes first started building a sword out of Crayola markers during a free-draw period at school, he had modest and humble intentions. All he wanted to do was build a small weapon he could swing around while pretending to fight zombies and to smack his friend Liam. Sadly, Crispin quickly realized that the more markers he attached to his sword, the bigger and more powerful the sword became, and what started as a three-marker weapon quickly became a five- and then six-marker weapon. This made his marker sword the longest and most powerful in the history of his school, and he was able to smack Liam from all the way across the art table. But that wasn’t enough for Crispin. He didn’t just want power—he wanted absolute power. He wanted to wield a weapon made of more markers than anyone had ever thought possible. And therein lay the seeds of his ultimate undoing.  “I was watching Crispin smack Liam and I remember thinking, ‘This is the longest marker sword I’ve ever seen,’” says Crispin’s teacher, Meredith Osgood, who says she witnessed her student’s downfall with a mix of revulsion and fascination. “Then when he went for the seventh marker I was like, ‘That fucker’s gone completely insane.’ Next thing I know the whole sword is disintegrating and the little wannabe God-child is on his knees surrounded by the shards of his shattered weapon.” As soon as he attached the seventh marker to his sword, the entire weapon began to wobble. Liam started shouting to Crispin that the sword was going to break, and soon all the kids in his class were shouting at Crispin that his marker sword had become too large, but by this point Crispin had gone completely mad with power and was fully insensate to all appeals to reason and humanity. Instead of heeding the warnings from his classmates he just kept swinging the massive sword at pretend zombies, and occasionally at Liam. Within seconds, the entire sword gave one final wobble and crumbled into chunks that splintered into individual markers as they hit the ground, leaving Crispin holding a single marker. Now Crispin is on his hands and knees, desperately trying to collect the markers while Liam gets his revenge by smacking him with a sensible and structurally sound three-marker sword. Fate has dealt Crispin a cruel blow, but in light of his brazen hubris, one can only consider it to be justice. Let this be a lesson to all would-be tyrants who seek unlimited power and unparalleled weaponry: Nobody needs a sword that is longer than four markers long to fight imaginary zombies and smack their friends. Anything longer is an abomination born from pure egotism, and can only lead you to destruction.

Retirees alarmed as troops stop pretending Iran War makes sense

FORT BRAGG — Soldiers at Fort Bragg are reporting an increase in hostile encounters with retirees at the commissary, pharmacy, and post exchange, in what younger troops say is the result of a dangerous shortage of useful idiots.Retired Master Sgt. Frank Burger said he confronted one junior soldier after hearing him greet another with a sarcastic salute and the words, “For Epstein!”“I had to correct him,” Burger said. “When we were your age, we just accepted we might die for oil. The country runs on the stuff, you know.”Retirees across post said they are becoming increasingly frustrated with what they describe as a generational collapse in performative patriotism.In recent weeks, soldiers reportedly training for a possible invasion of Iran have stopped using the greeting of the day and instead begun saluting each other while shouting, “For Epstein!” “For defense contractor quarterly earnings!” or “For previously undisclosed presidential equities!”“Where are they getting these ideas?” Burger asked. “In my day, you were fighting for oil or freedom. Either way, it at least sounded like it was for the country. Now it’s like they’re workshopping it.”Senior leaders are also said to be alarmed by troops’ growing refusal to accept internal propaganda, still referred to in official channels as “command information.” “These soldiers need to get on board with the command’s accepted narrative,” said Admiral Brad Cooper, commander of U.S. Central Command. “Lives are at risk. Who is going to storm the beaches of Hormuz for a defense contractor earnings call or someone’s personal legal exposure?”

Pentagon defunds anti–think tank missile

ARLINGTON, Virginia — The Department of Defense announced today it had terminated funding for a proposed Anti–Think Tank Missile (ATTM) system.The decision appears to contradict Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth’s recent move to further restrict Pentagon civilians and service members from participating in think tank panels, conferences, or any event where independent thought might occur. According to an internal Pentagon study, the ATTM was designed as a near-perfect weapon capable of “seeking and eliminating active independent thought, or even its pretense, while sorting complex national security questions.”“Thinking distracts from our mission at the Pentagon,” Hegseth said. “But thinking about stopping thinking is just too expensive given our current budget. We prefer good old-fashioned self-censorship over a new program that might actually end these tanks.”News of the system’s cancellation drew mixed reactions from the think tank and intellectual community, many of whom rushed to reassure donors that nothing about their current output resembled independent thought anyway. While some expressed optimism, most remained defensive about the relevance of their institutions and the “thinking” conducted within them.Heritage Foundation President Kevin Roberts took time out from his ongoing self-defenestration tour to issue a brief statement.“Look, I don’t want to misspeak about anything anymore than I already have,” Roberts said. “We have a One Voice policy here at Heritage, which requires our scholars to reach a single unified position rather than differing ones. What’s less intellectual than that? Any missile should pass right over us by that logic — unless the Jews are involved.” Exclusively accepted where your bad decisions begin. Learn more Despite the program’s demise, others were not taking chances.“It really is a time to build after all,” joked Yuval Levin of the American Enterprise Institute. “But seriously, we’ve always thought carefully about the real-world costs of missile defense, and this time will be no different.”At press time, Levin declined to comment on reports that AEI interns were frantically erecting a layered interceptor array along the side of the organization’s headquarters.Service members, meanwhile, were less sanguine.“We’ve already purged defense correspondents as an independent voice,” said one Office of Net Assessment officer speaking from a Pentagon broom closet on condition of anonymity. “What chance do any of us still in uniform really have?”🖊️Tony wants you to know he thinks only happy thoughts to stay gainfully employed and promised Kevin Roberts the Jews were in fact not involved.Dark Laughter contributed to this report.

Reservists to fight Iran one weekend a month, two wars a year

WASHINGTON — The Pentagon announced this week that a potential ground war in Iran will be conducted using a “fiscally responsible, drill-based operational model,” relying heavily on reserve component forces operating one weekend a month.“We looked at the numbers,” said Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth, a former National Guard officer. “The regular Army can’t win without the reserves. But we also can’t afford to mobilize them. Drill, however — already funded. One weekend a month, two wars a year. It’s right there in the slogan.”Under the plan, the invasion would be executed by stacking monthly battle assemblies and rolling them directly into annual training, creating what officials described as a “high-intensity three-to-four week war window.”“If it goes as planned, we won’t even need all four weeks,” Hegseth said. “D-Day was won in a day. This whole thing could be over by the next drill weekend.”“It’s all about synchronization,” said Maj. Jay Stokes of Army Reserve Command. “You stack MUTAs [multiple unit training assemblies], roll it into AT [annual training], and suddenly you’ve got a full-scale invasion funded entirely out of existing training dollars.”Officials confirmed the operation, tentatively titled Operation Battle Assembly, will maximize use of already appropriated funds while avoiding additional congressional oversight.“Normally you wouldn’t go to war in an inactive duty status,” Stokes admitted. “But it’s 2026. We’re performing budget lethality.” To maintain compliance with funding requirements, troops will conduct mandatory administrative tasks during combat operations.“If a soldier is getting a dental exam while invading a country, that’s still a dental exam,” Stokes said. “That’s just efficient coding.”

Iran plans blockade of American blockade of Iranian blockade

WASHINGTON — Iran has announced that until a peace deal is signed with the United States, the Iranian Revolutionary Guard Corps will mount a third blockade of the Strait of Hormuz to block any American blockade of Iran's initial blockade, thus preventing the U.S. Navy from having any ships to blockade at all.“Let’s see how the U.S. Navy likes steaming around in circles in the heat of the Arabian Sea summer," Iran's Foreign Ministry wrote in a post on X. "Hydrate often, Great Satan’s swabbies!”At a press conference, President Trump angrily dismissed the announcement.“Any Iranian blockading of our blockade on their illegal strait blockage is terrorism against the entire world and the Moon," Trump said. "Which is ours now because we flew around it better than any country thanks to me. We won’t stand for it.”He added: “We’ve completely defeated Iran. Now we may have to completely defeat them more with what I call it the ‘Big Beautiful Blockade,’ to stop the Iranians from stopping us from stopping them from stopping trade.”Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth said he had a message for Tehran."Say 'what' again," Hegseth said, quoting the book of Tarantino. "We are prepared to wake up the gimp and get medieval on your ass." Asked how the U.S. plans to address Iran’s double secret blockade, Hegseth noted that many countries were helping the Big Beautiful Blockade, including Luxembourg, Austria, Hungary, Mongolia and Nepal. “Our skilled negotiators got all those countries to commit their navies to America First goals,” said Hegseth.At the Pentagon, a senior maritime strategist explained that the threatened Iranian counter-counter-counter blockade, or "C-Cubed," is a time-honored naval move also known as a "triple dog dare." He said Iran's plan did not surprise the Trump administration at all, because they expected Iran to do something unexpected.However, the strategist acknowledged that an Iranian C-Cubed blockade could wreak global havoc in trade, oil, and in the U.S. Navy itself."The surface warfare community wants a successful blockade so they finally get some respect, and a lot of SEALs are planning tell-all books about blockade adventures," the strategist said. "Cutting off those opportunities will shatter both communities."According to the strategist, the war with Iran has had "more twists than the secretary's pre-press briefing martinis," but the administration is keeping its options open."President Trump knows triple dog dare negotiating tactics from way back, like growing up in the rough and tumble hallways of private school,” he said.Regardless of how the Iranian threat develops, the situation raises a question about the strategic nature of the conflict. According to senior defense officials, until now it has been the U.S. that has confused the world with shifting objectives, murky strategy, erratic actions, and unsustainable military operations.“If Iran starts operating the same way,” one official wondered, “what does American leadership even mean anymore?”🖊️Bull Winkle is a writer and certified phrenologist, available to make your next wedding, birthday or blockade super fun.

Pentagon orders posting of Ten Commandments, exempts killing, lying and stealing

WASHINGTON — As part of a major overhaul to the Chaplain Corps, Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth has ordered the posting of the Ten Commandments in all common areas, workplaces, dining facilities, and command offices across the Department of Defense.“The idea is to provide an ongoing spiritual reminder to service members of where we derive our moral framework,” said Maj. Gen. Randall Flagg, the Army Chief of Chaplains. He noted, however, that several commandments will be omitted to better align with mission requirements and avoid unnecessary friction regarding separation of church and state.“We determined that certain commandments were… operationally incompatible,” Flagg explained. “Commandment Five, for example — ‘Thou Shalt Not Kill.’ We are, fundamentally, a lethal force. Posting that would create mixed messaging.”The commandments prohibiting bearing false witness and coveting were also removed after internal review.“This is the Department of War!” Hegseth said during a press briefing. “Am I supposed to tell warriors they can’t use strategic messaging? That they can’t aspire to better equipment, nicer trucks, or someone else’s wife? That’s not readiness. That’s weakness.”Hegseth emphasized that the department had preserved what he called “the core warfighting commandments.”“We kept the important ones — honoring your father and mother, no graven images unless morale-related, not taking the Lord’s name in vain unless operationally necessary,” he said. “But am I going to tell some 19-year-old private he can’t be jealous of his battle buddy’s Dodge Durango or stripper girlfriend? Absolutely not. We’re building fighters, not monks.”

World’s longest tiramisu ‘a waste of good booze’

Six other biopics that would be wise to end the story nice and early

THE Michael Jackson biopic made the lucrative decision to end his story in 1988, before it all went too badly wrong. Which others need to call it early?  King of New York: The Puff Daddy Story Ideally this one draws to a close in around 2001, when the mogul is on top with his record label making millions, his clothing line still growing, his legacy not yet defined by decades of serious sexual assaults, his name not yet changed to P Diddy. Audiences who prefer a nice sanitised story with no messy child abuse (Jackson) or AIDS (Mercury) will love it. The Playboy Prince Ah, the happy 1980s of Prince Andrew, shagging around while cheered on by the tabloids, flying helicopters for the Navy, marrying a racy redhead with a brothel-frequenting father. Back then he was a British hero, or so we were told. End it in 1990 and leave audiences wondering what became of this dashing figure. Tell them Googling will ruin it. Spaceboy: The Life of David Bowie Not because of any scandal, though there was an underage groupie because this was the 70s, but because everything after Let’s Dance is hard to defend. Nobody wants to see a biopic which includes Tin Machine. Fade to black after Modern Love with the caption ‘33 years later Bowie released Blackstar, which most critics agreed was alright’. The Hedgehog: Being Ron Jeremy Sadly a long and storied career in pornographic film was besmirched by multiple credible accusations of sexual assault, blackening the good name of one previously thought destined for sainthood. Ending things with 2013’s My Dad’s Best Friend 4 should iron out any bumps for mainstream audiences who want to celebrate, not condemn. Shagger in Downing Street Back in November 2021, Boris Johnson was the hero of Brexit, the Vaccine Vanquisher, happier than he’d ever been in love, a seventh or possibly eighth child on the way. Then came Partygate. As the audience for this biopic don’t believe that happened anyway, why not end it there with him on top and three more terms as PM to come? Pip: The Philip Schofield Story From the CBBC Broom Cupboard to the King of Daytime, a remarkable story of blandness, premature greying and media ubiquity. Who wouldn’t thrill to the recreation of Have I Been Here Before?, the 2005 show where David Seaman was regressed to a past life as Richard the Lionheart? Ends in 2020, before Schofield comes out and ruins everything.

The trick is to go fast, says record-breaking marathon runner

THE man who completed a marathon in under two hours has revealed his secret was to run faster than other competitors so he got to the finish first.  Sabastian Sawe, who made history by completing the London Marathon in one hour, 59 minutes and 30 seconds, credited his achievement to being faster, because he is a professional athlete. He said: “Pacing yourself, staying hydrated, and having friend and family cheer you on? Not, it turns out, as important as putting one foot in front of the other repeatedly lots of times really quickly. “It’s weird so many marathon runners leave this out. Instead it’s all about training, energy gels and plasters over your nipples, which aren’t nearly as effective as running faster over this distance than anyone else in recorded history. “Other useful things to keep in mind if you want to smash the two-hour barrier like me are not stopping, and making sure that you’re running in the right direction. Oh, and check there’s actually a marathon on, otherwise you’re just a man in traffic. “Having two legs, being young, and not being dead are all helpful as well. But I really can’t stress that it all comes down to going fast. Maybe write it down so you don’t forget.” Marathon runner Tom Booker said: “I don’t know. I still reckon endlessly droning on about running a marathon to everyone in the office plays a crucial role.”

Why aren’t presidential assassins trying to impress Jodie Foster any more?

AT 63, she is a respected actress, a Hollywood icon and an LGBT pioneer. But apparently all that means nothing to the disrespectful men trying to kill the president.  Hopeful after hopeful fire their bullets, fail to kill the head of state and their manifesto is revealed. Again and again, they ramble about ‘a danger to democracy’ who ‘must be stopped’. But mention of a two-time Academy Award winner comes there none. Back in the 1980s, in that halcyon period the Jackson biopic wisely chose to focus on, assassins had proper motives. They weren’t boringly political. They weren’t internet furries. They had their sights set not just on a president but on worthy life goals. When John Hinckley Jr unloaded his revolver at Reagan in 1981, he did it for one reason: to impress Jodie Foster. He reasoned that it would put him at her level. You can’t fault his logic. As it happened he wasn’t successful and the Bugsy Malone star therefore ignored his advances. Perhaps it even factored into her later turning toward lesbianism. That doesn’t mean that, for the right presidential assassin, she wouldn’t reconsider her sexuality. But instead assassin after assassin takes their shot without even plighting their troth at the Silence of the Lambs actress. Ignoring her incredible performance in True Detective which revitalised the franchise. Heedless of her first French language role in Vie privée.  It’s no wonder they fail. Hinckley at least wounded Reagan, because he was powered by love. Today’s assassins, fuelled by selfishness and political grievance, are lucky if they manage to nick Trump’s ear. Let’s put this right. Assassins, if you’re reading this, at least check out her peerless filmography. From Taxi Driver to Contact to Hotel Artemis, there’s something for everyone. And with the proper motivation, anything is possible.

Pub has Iron Maiden T-shirts on draft

YOUR local real ale pub now has six guest beers and heavy metal T-shirts at the bar, it has confirmed.  The King’s Arms in Nantwich recognised a few years ago that it could be providing more for its clientele of bearded CAMRA members, and has made shirts available in all sizes from XL to XXXXL. Landlord Bill McKay said: “Times are tough in the hospitality industry. Pubs are closing all the time. We realised that to stay competitive we needed to go the extra mile, like mopping the toilet floor or welcoming strangers. “But since we weren’t prepared to do that, I got creative. And through careful market research of our regulars we noticed that basically all of them wear the same grotty T-shirt with a skeleton on it doing stuff. “We already knew they didn’t wash, so what if they didn’t need to change their clothes? From there it was a simple matter of buying a few barrels wholesale and hooking up the line. “We’ve got Powerslave, Senjutsu, and No Prayer For The Dying is especially popular right now. Get one on and get ten pints down you, and you’ll fit right in.” Regular Olly O’Connor said: “I don’t have to go home now. Spill a 12.6 per cent ABV stout down me, and I just order a new one when Dave goes to the bar. Actually mate, could you get us a Discworld book while you’re there? They’re on tap.”

Religious scholar Russell Brand can’t find the Bible passages that he read in court, and Piers Morgan just leaves him hanging for an excruciating minute of dead air

We’re not saying that Russell Brand‘s late-in-the-day conversion to born again Christianity isn’t sincere – Heaven forfend! – but he sure did seem to struggle to find his favourite Bible passage when asked live on air by Piers Morgan. Brand, as you’ll be aware, is awaiting trial over allegations of rape and sexual assault, which […] The Poke.

Donald Trump has been explaining how maths works in his world and it’s 600% nuts

Math is objective. There is a right answer and a wrong answer. The right answer can be proven with a step-by-step outline of equations. So when Donald Trump gathered some sycophants to stand behind him while he broke down his latest drug price reductions, it stood to reason that he’d be able to explain his […] The Poke.

It appears that Donald Trump scheduled a press conference during his afternoon nap time again – 15 responses worth waking up for

Look, it makes sense. Work meetings suck. They’re boring, they’re pointless, they almost always can just be an e-mail. That being said, when work is “running America” and America is currently at war with at least two other countries, everyone there should probably be counted on to stay awake for the duration of said meeting. […] The Poke.

Donald Trump was asked when his war on Iran will be over and his answer was a glorious self-own for the history books

Donald Trump’s war with Iran has gone through more phases than a moody teenager trying to figure out what kind of music they like. Emo. Grunge. Hip-hop. Metal. It’s something new every week. And it rarely sticks. Same for the President. Who can’t seem to make up his mind about what exactly is happening in […] The Poke.

Donald Trump says he draws bigger crowds than Martin Luther King, Jr. and nobody in the room corrected him – but these 17 replies did

I have a dream. And in that dream, Donald Trump shuts the hell up for just one second so I can catch my breath. But until then, the big orange man keeps talking and what comes out is some of the most outrageous nonsense ever shared in front of a microphone. The President’s latest demented […] The Poke.