BUFFALO, NY—Giving thanks for the hospitality shown to him and his family throughout his tenure with the team, recently terminated Buffalo Bills head coach Sean McDermott reportedly expressed his gratitude Monday to the people, if you want to use that term, of Buffalo. “For the past nine years, the people—and of course I use that word very loosely—of Buffalo have opened their city to me and my wife and children, and for that, these…inhabitants…will forever be in my heart,” McDermott wrote in an emotional, full-page advertisement taken out in The Buffalo News, thanking the city’s vaguely humanoid population for their off-putting approximations of passion and support, and praising them as a group of individuals who perhaps qualify as a community by the slimmest of margins. “It’s been such a privilege to serve these… Again, ‘people’ isn’t quite right, not at all. Anyone watching them lurch around a tailgate can tell you that. ‘Creatures’ would be a more accurate description, I guess, or maybe even ‘organisms.’ But whatever they are, I’ll never forget them.” Though McDermott has yet to formally interview for any of the numerous NFL coaching vacancies, sources close to the coach confirmed that he was open to living among the frothing, subhuman pig-men of Cleveland.

The post Sean McDermott Expresses Gratitude To The People, If You Want To Call Them That, Of Buffalo appeared first on The Onion.

President Donald Trump signed the charter for his “Board of Peace” Thursday, establishing himself as presiding chairman of a new international body aimed at resolving global conflicts. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the organization.

Q: What is the board’s stated aim?

A: To finally end the impending threat of global cooperation.

Q: What is the organization’s first order of business?

A: To stabilize real estate markets in conflict-affected areas.

Q: How does one become a member?

A: Paying the $1 billion fee for permanent membership and submitting letters of recommendation from three different war criminals.

Q: Which countries have declined to join?

A: A handful of soon-to-be U.S. colonies.

Q: Can any sort of Board of Peace expect to be taken seriously without the inclusion of former British Prime Minister Tony Blair?

A: Don’t worry, he’s part of it!

Q: Will Israel join?

A: It would be rude to finish bulldozing Gaza without them.

Q: What will happen to the countries who do not participate?

A: They will be dealt with by the Board of War.

Q: Does the charter really make Trump chairman for the rest of his life?

A: Yes, Trump will remain chairman for the next few months.

Q: What would be the consequences of replacing the United Nations?

A: A 3% decrease in New York City traffic.

The post What To Know About Trump’s Board Of Peace appeared first on The Onion.

Ryan Coogler’s Southern Gothic vampire period piece Sinners received 16 Academy Award nominations, surpassing the previous record of 14 nominations held by All About Eve, Titanic, and La La Land. What do you think?

“And zero nominations for Christ our Lord. Sinners indeed.”

Toby Lidl, Minority Shareholder

---

“Titanic would have gotten 20 nominations if they didn’t cut the vampires out.”

Angie Barr, Nylon Importer

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“I knew the fix was in when they announced the Best Vampire Movie With a Buddy Guy Cameo category.”

Gaurav Mehta, Pottery Dealer

The post ‘Sinners’ Sets Oscar Record With 16 Nominations appeared first on The Onion.

BURBANK, CA—Encouraging the child to explore the conglomerate’s vast catalog of characters and copyrights, Disney executive John Ervin reminded his 2-year-old daughter on Monday that only artwork featuring the company’s intellectual property was permitted on the fridge. “That’s very creative, Edie, but unfortunately it has no existing fan base,” said the 49-year-old Ervin, who handed the toddler back the drawing of a colorful, octopus-like creature she had presented him with and tried to explain the financial reality of the motion picture industry in terms he thought she could understand. “I sure hope this blue guy over here is Stitch or a Na’vi, because Daddy doesn’t own the rights to the Smurfs. Come on, don’t you want to draw Anna and Elsa? Or what about something from 20th Century Studios? Do you want to draw a FernGully reboot, pumpkin?” Ervin went on to say, “No, Mommy isn’t IP either.”

The post Disney Exec Reminds Toddler Only IP Goes On Fridge appeared first on The Onion.

OVERLAND PARK, KS—Expressing frustration that his efforts to be accommodating continue to go unappreciated, area man Thomas Kemps confirmed Monday that nothing is ever good enough for the woman he has been holding captive in his basement for the past 39 days. “I give and I give, and what do I get in return? Not a single genuine thank-you,” said Kemps, explaining that he has provided the bound and gagged woman with a perfectly good mattress from the alley and the most expensive rope available at the hardware store, but she still finds things to complain about. “I work day and night to put dog food on the floor for her, and she gives me nothing but attitude and entitlement. First, she asks for a special bucket so she won’t have to shit in the corner, and then I have to hear her whine on and on about how the bucket is full. Oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t realize the Uber passenger I drugged and abducted was a princess. Seriously, I’m bending over backwards to help this girl out, and yet she still attempts to slash me in the face with a shard of broken glass. Just a totally ungrateful hostage.” At press time, Kemps was relieved to report that simply threatening to murder the woman’s children had really helped reset the tone of their relationship.

The post Nothing Ever Good Enough For Captive appeared first on The Onion.

U.S. — Seemingly at a loss as to how to solve the ongoing problems originating from the North Star State, everyone else in the United States reached a joint agreement to post Minnesota on Craigslist for $50 or best offer.

U.S. — In a touching display of solidarity amid widespread conflict in American cities, WNBA players issued a joint statement announcing they had vowed to continue missing lay-ups until ICE withdraws from Minnesota.

SAINT PAUL, MN — With tensions between ICE agents and leftist protesters in Minneapolis running high, Governor Tim Walz said he was willing to do anything to keep Minnesota residents safe except cooperate with federal law enforcement.

TAIPEI CITY — After spending over an hour-and-a-half climbing to the top of the Taipei 101 skyscraper, Alex Honnold was left kicking himself after realizing there was an elevator just inside.

Senator Chuck Schumer here, folks. Every single day, I fight tooth and nail against the MAGA agenda and Trump’s unconstitutional attacks on our democracy. Our President holds a blatant disregard for this country’s laws and institutions, making it a unique and increasingly urgent challenge to resist his goals of dismantling our government’s system of checks and balances and turning the United States into an authoritarian state. I need your undivided attention today, because what I’m about to show you is now our best chance at stopping Trump:

Introducing Trump’s Achilles heel: Mecha AllyGator. As you can see, hope is not lost, folks.

Today, I’m asking for the Democratic Party and the American public at large to rally around Mecha AllyGator, in all her technologically-enhanced reptiliality. Mecha AllyGator’s existence was revealed to me in a wet dream I experienced one month ago. She is a drop-dead gorgeous, winged, 17-foot-tall robot-alligator hybrid, bearing the powers of powerful flight, hypnotizing beauty, and animalistic savagery the likes of which Republicans could only dream of harnessing. Your support of Mecha AllyGator means the difference between tyranny and democracy. Trump is barely one year into his second term, but he’s already done as much catastrophic damage to our nation’s future as Mecha AllyGator could do to a deer (her preferred prey) between her titanium-plated jaws. Will you stand for the Trump administration’s assault on our civil liberties and social safety net? Or will you let the wonderful beast depicted in my drawing be your champion? If you care about America’s integrity and prosperity, the choice is obvious.

Democratic leadership has combatted the GOP using every strategy in the legislative playbook—except Mecha AllyGator. She’s not just a robot, or an alligator, or an angel: She’s our party’s way forward.

President Trump is well aware he wouldn’t stand a chance against Mecha AllyGator. I’ve shown him the above rendering I created of AllyGator on several occasions. The first time, President Trump had no response whatsoever. The second time, President Trump ignored me. The third time, President Trump, “I don’t know what the hell that is or what you want me to do with it, Chuck,” then had me removed from our meeting and from the White House premises. I believe Trump knows exactly what Mecha AllyGator is: The number one threat to his power. And it’s in our possession. As long as Republicans are disinterested in wooing Mecha AllyGator to their side, she will remain firmly on ours—provided I keep leaving deer carcasses on my lawn for her to feast on.

The GOP may control the executive office and both chambers of Congress. But they’ll never control Mecha AllyGator, so long as your Senate Minority Leader has any say.

The clock is ticking. There is no time to watch Trump undermine American values from the sidelines. I need the Resistance to share Mecha AllyGator far and wide. I humbly ask the American public, as its civil servant, to support Mecha AllyGator in any way you can, whether it’s using air traffic control glow-wands to point her towards D.C. as she soars past your house or simply clapping and cheering when she grabs hold of Stephen Miller with her incredible teeth and thrashes him around until he’s too bloodied and disoriented to do any more harm to our great nation. She’s our last opportunity to save this country from Trump plunging it past the point of no return. Will you join me?

Cinephiles, get excited, because the following story is going to have you rushing back to the theaters: A24 has released the director’s cut of Marty Supreme that includes the full 13-hour scene where Mr. Wonderful spanks Marty’s ass.

So much yes!

With box office success and several Oscar nominations to its name, it’s safe to say Marty Supreme is a massive hit. But as much as audiences are loving the film and its inspiring “Dream Big” message, fans have had one major critique: why was the scene where Mr. Wonderful (Mr. Wonderful) spanks Marty’s (Timothée Chalamet) ass so short? Director Josh Safdie clearly agrees. 

According to a note written by Josh Safdie for A24’s Instagram, the director explained:

“As has always been my intention, Marty Supreme is the incredible story of a wiry, tiny guy who misbehaves until he gets a good spanking. In the script, the climactic scene in which Mr. Wonderful spanks Marty’s ass red and raw was written as a proper 13-hour spanking. Although we shot the scene in full, due to pressures from producers, financiers, and theater owners, I was forced to cut the scene down to an extremely brief two minutes. This was a heartbreaking loss of verisimilitude for the film, as spankings during the 1950s took much longer than what was depicted onscreen. Fortunately, this director’s cut restores my original vision, and you can see the film as it was meant to be seen: a 15-hour epic exploring the American Dream of getting spanked by a guy from reality TV.”

Incredible!

Marty Supreme: The Director’s Cut will be playing exclusively at Alamo Drafthouse, featuring the film’s restored tagline, “SPANK BIG.” Comment below if you’ll be checking it out this weekend!

Sesame Street is an all-time classic children’s show, but a recent episode has some people wondering if the program went too far: Did Sesame Street cross the line when Elmo performed his original comedic character “Theresa Poverty, The World’s Most Disenfranchised Woman” to teach kids that just because something’s really funny doesn’t mean it ‘s okay to laugh at?

Yikes. While it’s definitely important to teach kids about the nuances between comedy and ridicule, this seems like it might’ve pushed the boundaries a little too much.

The episode began harmlessly with a visit to a comedy club to see a show performed by some beloved Sesame Street characters, featuring a delightful an opening set by Grover that mused on how frustrating it is when you see that someone is typing a text to you but then they never send the message. But as Elmo entered the stage to the sound of Jay-Z’s “Hard Knock Life,” the episode took a surprisingly edgy turn. Elmo, wearing a long dark wig and tattered clothing, walked up to the mic and introduced himself in a confusing foreign accent as, “Theresa Poverty, the world’s most disenfranchised woman.”

Immediately, the audience of kids burst into laughter. By way of introduction, Elmo—or Theresa Poverty, rather—explained, “I’m a quarter Dominican, a quarter Sudanese, a quarter Afghan, a quarter autistic, and a hundred percent BROKE, BEE-YOTCH!” Elmo then started taking things out of a plastic Dollar General bag (a vessel he referred to as Theresa’s “Birkin”), identifying them as, “cigarettes bought with my food stamps,” “condoms bought with my food stamps,” and a messy, unwrapped taco that he described as “almost as messy as my own after I’m done working the corner!”

But as Elmo repeatedly chanted Theresa’s catchphrase, “Me no have money!” in a different albeit similarly confusing foreign accent to a rapturous crowd, the curtain behind Elmo opened, revealing three real-life women wearing tattered clothes similar to his comedic character’s. The audience fell into an immediate silence as Big Bird rose up from his seat and asked, “Was Theresa Poverty funny to you?” The crowd remained silent, unsure what to say. Big Bird then added, “Is Theresa Poverty still funny, knowing that three real Theresa Povertys were watching you cackle and sneer?” 

As Big Bird explained, “You’re right that Theresa Poverty is very, very funny. But it’s the type of humor that you can’t laugh at publicly, because it plays on offensive, off-color tropes. So when you want to laugh at Theresa Poverty, you have to do it quietly in your head.” 

The episode has sparked a spirited debate online, with criticisms calling the controversial episode “racist,” “classist,” and “a challenging piece of art that has good intentions yet fails upon premise, as Elmo’s character is simply too unfunny to prove the episode’s point.”

Seems fair enough to us! What do you think? Will you be showing this episode to your children? Sound off below!

While President Trump has always had his odd moments, the aging president’s behavior has been under even more scrutiny as rumors of dementia and Alzheimer’s treatments swirl. The latest troubling sign of his mental decline? Trump just mistook Marco Rubio for a urinal during a White House meeting. 

Yikes. This is not a good sign. 

During a gathering of business leaders in the White House earlier today, Trump abruptly lost his train of thought while in the middle of explaining that, “Gas is what our cars need to do their thing. No gas, they are dead in the street. Gotta have that gas…” He then stood up, wandered over to Marco Rubio, unzipped his suit pants, and began urinating on him. Marco struggled to keep a straight face as Trump covered him in urine while several of the executives present let out forced chuckles in an attempt to play it off as if they thought Mr. Trump was pissing all over Marco just to be funny. 

After finishing his piss, Trump said, “That’s a nice one. Isn’t this a nice one?” while looking to the baffled CEOs in attendance for a response, then pressed down on Marco’s right ear in an attempt to flush him. When his first attempt to flush Marco yielded no result, Trump grew frustrated and pressed it several more times until Marco finally caved and made a flushing sound with his mouth. “Somebody’s gotta fix this!” Trump said to a portrait of George Washington that hung on the wall as more nervous chuckles emerged from the awkward scene. 

Oof. This man is clearly experiencing some sort of major decline. 

While it’s normal for the elderly to experience moments of confusion, this is the man with the nuclear codes. If he’s mistaking his Secretary of State for a urinal today, who knows what mistakes his aging brain could make tomorrow. While this time it just resulted in a urine-covered man, more serious consequences could be on the horizon. This is definitely something to keep an eye on! 

Home Alone is one of the most beloved family comedies of all time, but would the 1990 classic have been the same film had the Wet Bandits taken care of Kevin right off the bat? Here are six ways Home Alone would have played out differently if the Wet Bandits had just immediately killed Kevin. 

1. They wouldn’t have had to worry about traps nearly as much

One of the signature elements of Home Alone is the barrage of traps and improvised weapons that Kevin employs against the Wet Bandits as he fights them off. Had the intruders just immediately shot the young boy in the face, however, most if not all of those traps would never have existed. While killing Kevin right away would have removed some of the most fun scenes in the film, it would also have made it easier to watch for those who have a phobia of traps or simply don’t enjoy watching burglars get trapped in various ways. 

2. They would have been able to rob the house much more quickly and move on to the next crime

While killing Kevin within 15 seconds of discovering him in the house (perhaps by strangulation or blunt trauma) would have removed him as the main character in the film, it would have had one pretty major benefit for the Wet Bandits: They would be able to quickly rob Kevin’s house of its valuables and move on to the next score. Honestly, with Kevin out of the way that early on in the film, viewers may have forgotten all about his murder by the time the movie ended. It could have been a completely different film!

3. A lot of the jokes would have had to come from them trying to dispose of Kevin’s body

In the version of Home Alone where the Wet Bandits don’t immediately kill Kevin, most of the film’s humorous antics come from Kevin cleverly thwarting the burglars’ robbery attempts. But if Kevin died right off the bat, the focus of the laughs would have to be moved to the Bandits’ attempts to to dissolve Kevin’s body in the bathtub with lye or dispose of it in a wood chipper. Under the expert direction of Chris Columbus this plotline could undoubtedly have been handled in a hilarious way, but it definitely would have given the film a different vibe.  

4. Kevin’s parents would have felt a lot more guilty for leaving him at home alone 

While in the version of the film we’re all familiar with Kevin’s parents feel terrible about leaving him home alone, it would have introduced a whole new level to their regret if they had come home after realizing their mistake to find Kevin’s decapitated body in their kitchen. The original edit juxtaposed scenes of the McCallister family frantically trying to get home with scenes of Kevin heroically fighting off the Wet Bandits, but the alternate version would instead juxtapose scenes of the McCallisters frantically trying to get home with shots of Kevin’s rotting corpse attracting flies. It’s really interesting to imagine how changing this one little detail could have changed the whole movie!

5. They might have had to kill Old Man Marley as well

In the real-life version of Home Alone, Kevin’s neighbor Old Man Marley is initially thought to be a creepy murderer, but he turns out to be a sweet lonely man who ends up saving Kevin from the Wet Bandits. In our alternate-reality version, he probably would have ended up being another corpse, perhaps stacked on top of Kevin’s body in the trunk of a stolen car that is later burned in the woods. It’s likely Kevin’s murder early in the film would change the story arc for more characters than just Kevin. 

6. It would have been called something like Child’s Body or Kevin’s Death

With Kevin dead immediately following his introduction, there would have been no living character to be “Home Alone,” meaning the film would have had to be titled something completely different. Some possibilities would be Child’s Body, Kevin’s Death, Nothing To Get In The Way Of Their Crimes, or even, Home Dead. But Home Alone definitely wouldn’t make any sense. Pretty wild to think how this one minor change in the plot would have made a major difference!

SAN DIEGO, Calif. — Navy Information Systems Technician Chief Toby “Tobasco” McElhenny has been in the Navy for over 14 years, and in that time has accumulated plenty of résumé-friendly accomplishments: meeting three former presidents, visiting six continents, mentoring countless division officers, and being named Sailor of the Year twice. But McElhenny rarely mentions any of that.

Instead, the chief prefers to regale junior sailors with port-call stories and sea tales that routinely implicate him and several others in federal felonies and international crimes. 

“One time, we stuffed a J-girl in my buddy’s sea bag, kept her tucked away for about a month, and then dropped her off in the Philippines with just a few pesos pinned to her collar,” McElhenny said, laughing while recalling one deployment. “Good times. Old-time Navy. Can’t do that now.”

McElhenny was referring to a 2016 deployment to Seventh Fleet, a Pacific cruise that appears to implicate him in human trafficking, kidnapping, aggravated assault, and possibly murder. The woman’s age, condition, and continued existence remain unclear.

Despite this, sailors frequently approach McElhenny to hear his colorful stories and “learn more about the Navy.” One junior sailor, IT3 Cameron Civilotti, said he enjoys listening to the chief but has questions about the accuracy of the tales.

“Prostitution is illegal, so I really hope he’s joking about picking up hookers in Phuket,” Civilotti said. “And I really hope he was kidding when he said he accidentally ran over an old Greek woman in Souda Bay.”

Civilotti’s naïveté appears to amuse McElhenny, who insists that all of his stories are completely true. Civilotti, however, remains unconvinced.

“Chief cracks me up,” Civilotti said. “But if he did even half of what he talks about, I feel like I should call the police. Or the U.N.” Civilotti added, frantically Googling on his phone, “Is it too late to report something to Interpol?”

McElhenny maintains that his stories are verifiable but denies any wrongdoing, citing his multiple deployments and decorated service record as evidence of his moral character.

“I’ve deployed nine times in 14 years, so sue me if I want a little butter on my buns when we pull into port,” McElhenny said while taking his daily dose of Valtrex. “I don’t think that makes me the bad guy for wanting a little fun while defending freedom and democracy around the world.”

Civilotti said he is also disturbed by some of the less sensational stories McElhenny tells.

“Chief Tobasco once walked me through how easy it is to hack ATMs in Singapore,” Civilotti recalled. “Which I’m pretty sure is a serious cybercrime, but surely a senior enlisted member of the U.S. Navy wouldn’t break the law that casually. Right?”

US Navy commissions first openly-straight officer

“We are very proud of this milestone,” said Adm. Lisa Francetti.

Duffel BlogGray Sea Liu

Navy kicks off ‘Incel to Intel’ recruiting campaign

The service’s novel approach is to recruit technologically adept virgins into the intelligence community.

Duffel BlogGray Sea Liu

US Navy Adds Creative Writing Course To SEAL Training

Navy officials are adding a grueling 40 hours of creative writing classes to the already intense selection program.

Duffel BlogDuffel Blog Staff

Mustachioed Navy officer, obsessed with Japan and toe shoes, still single somehow

So weird.

Duffel BlogGray Sea Liu

Navy Praises Blue Digital Uniforms After Two Sailors Lost At Sea

SAN DIEGO, CA - In an announcement today at Naval Base San Diego, the commander of the US Pacific Fleet (COMPACFLT) remarked that he was extremely proud of the “versatility and usefulness of the Navy Working Uniform (NWU).” The uniform, which resembles the Marines’ desert and green colored digital MARPAT design, was introduced in 2008 amid controversy over its necessity for naval personnel.

Duffel BlogDuffel Blog Staff

DAVOS, Switzerland — President Donald Trump on Wednesday used his recently-acquired Nobel Peace Prize to bludgeon the prime minister of Denmark to death, sources confirmed today.

The killing occurred during a highly contentious meeting over the fate of Greenland between dozens of world leaders at the World Economic Forum in Davos, where the 79-year-old president reportedly lunged at Danish Prime Minister Mette Frederiksen and struck her repeatedly with a framed Peace Prize Trump had received earlier as a gift from Venezuelan opposition leader María Corina Machado.

“I’m getting Greenland, one way or the other,” Trump said while delivering sustained and methodical blows, bloodying the award typically granted “to the person who shall have done the most or the best work for fraternity between nations” over the past year. Indeed, Trump has worked tirelessly since his inauguration to bring much of the world together by uniting them in shared anger at the United States.

“I’m done thinking purely of peace,” Trump added, momentarily pausing to wipe blood from the frame with his tie and checking his reflection in the shattered glass before continuing.

The unprecedented murder of a world leader at the hands of another followed weeks of Trump threatening to use military force to take “complete and total control of Greenland.” According to White House sources, the president views ownership of the island as strategically essential, aesthetically pleasing, and extremely helpful in distracting from the Epstein files.

"See? I promised I wouldn't use military force," Trump said as he caught his breath. "Tell Rubio that I just stopped another war. Add it to the list."

In the immediate aftermath, Treasury Secretary Scott Bessent urged stunned European leaders to remain calm.

“Sit back, take a deep breath, do not retaliate, do not retaliate,” Bessent said, while aides quietly removed shards of glass and wood fragments from the floor.

Saudi crown prince gifts Trump solid gold bone saw

Kingdom’s sharp diplomatic gesture cuts through red tape and flesh

Duffel BlogW.E. Linde

Pentagon to prioritize EUCOM, INDOPACOM, AFRICOM, CENTCOM, SOUTHCOM, NORTHCOM

DoD pledges undivided attention to all six commands at once using math, magic, and PowerPoint

Duffel BlogDuffel Blog Staff

Trump gets Greenland in blockbuster three-way trade with Spain

Trade deadline shocker shakes up NATO division standings

Duffel BlogGrumpy

Top 10 countries Trump will send you to attack rather than release the Epstein files

White House sources say ‘bombing foreigners’ remains preferred transparency substitute

Duffel BlogKay Too Ess Ohhhhh

CENTCOM Commander can’t believe it’s not his problem for once

General Joseph Votel, head of Central Command (CENTCOM), was reportedly “stunned” and “more than a little relieved” when the attempted coup in Turkey on Friday happened outside of his Area of Responsibility.

Duffel BlogDuffel Blog Staff

FORT RILEY, Kan. — Fuck! You left your stupid I.D. card in your stupid computer. Experts confirm this will now cost you the rest of your day. You’ll have to walk all the way back upstairs to get the damned thing out of your office.

Oh great, there’s the XO. Don’t make eye contact. You made eye contact with him. He asks you about the Command and Staff brief and whether you have time to “just refactor” a few of the slides. You are now walking in the opposite direction of your I.D. card.

He wants the metrics displayed in a slightly different way that no one will notice, but which will almost certainly take several hours to change.

According to Outlook — which the Army forced you to install on your phone — this was the only 20 minutes you had to get lunch today, and it’s rapidly evaporating.

Not that you were terribly excited about getting a small Subway sandwich with grilled chicken. Height and weight is in a few weeks and you’re trying to drop the last few pounds because the Secretary of War has decided your personal BMI is a matter of national security.

Good gravy, now S-1 is asking you about overdue OERs. Can’t you just get a sandwich? Can’t you just get one sandwich without the United States Army falling apart?

You lie and say the OERs are “up at HQDA,” buying yourself a little time. A problem for later. You tell yourself that a lot.

The food court line won’t be that bad. You can still make it back before the training meeting. You’ll just have to drive a little faster than usual, which is fine, because consequences are theoretical.

Wait. Why is the water buffalo in the company lot? That water buffalo is supposed to be at Range 7. Why is it here? You ask Staff Sgt. Dylan Jones what’s going on.

“Sir, we never got this water buffalo certified,” he reports.

You remember, dimly, that water buffalos require certification. You ask what they’re doing for water at Range 7.

“We filled up some water cans that said non-potable on them,” Staff Sgt. Jones says. “So the Joes are good.”

Your eye starts to twitch. Staff Sgt. Jones, now apparently an expert in water buffalo certification, does not appear to know what “non-potable” means. You wish you hadn’t promised your wife you’d stop dipping. Also, it’s her birthday next week. Another problem for later.

You drive like a madman to the PX and grab cases of bottled water for Range 7. No personally owned vehicles on the range, so you’ll have to coordinate a JLTV or something. Your arms ache as you stand in line, questioning every decision you’ve ever made.

The cashier asks for your I.D. card before you can pay.

Fuck.

You left your I.D. card in your computer.

BREAKING: The Truck Carrying Your Household Goods Just Drove Off A Cliff

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_4jMLR4c71s

Duffel BlogDuffel Blog Staff

Outgoing Commander: ‘I Still Hate You All’

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LwiKBFyYBGQ&t=3s The following address was delivered by Capt. Vince Williams at his Headquarters Company change of command ceremony. Good morning everyone. I won’t start with our battalion motto because the very sound of it makes my stomach curdle and my jaw clench with an unholy rage.

Duffel BlogDuffel Blog Staff

Military websites undergo annual update to make them worse

“We’re working hard to make the SIPR sites you need the most confusing piles of shit imaginable,” an official said.

Duffel BlogRed Friday

US accidentally re-invades Iraq

Troops surprised to find old combat outposts still smell like Axe body spray

Duffel BlogDuffel Blog

Army establishes Virtue Signal Corps

The operational support branch is responsible for self-righteous, performative displays of arbitrary moral superiority across all domains of warfare.

Duffel BlogRoger Wilco

WASHINGTON — The Eisenhower School of National Security and Resource Strategy announced this week that it has launched a new course for senior leaders titled Strategic Gaslighting: Shaping Reality Through Passive-Aggressive Command Presence.

The program is spearheaded by retired Lt. Gen. Duane Gamble, who first introduced himself by appearing unannounced in the middle of a staff meeting about pending logistics failures, calmly walking to the front of the room, and declaring himself the department chair. No one recalls inviting him or even seeing him enter the building, but by the time the room stopped spinning, he had assigned mandatory reading and asserted the course had always existed.

“If you don’t remember it, that’s a reflection of your lack of commitment,” Gamble said. “And possibly your unresolved trauma.” Students nodded, including several who had only shown up for free parking before watching the Nationals lose another baseball game.

Described by organizers as a full-spectrum, cross-domain, multi-agency joint offensive against perception, the course teaches future general officers how to discredit subordinates, weaponize vague policies, and manipulate reality using little more than command presence and a perfectly timed calendar invite.

During one seminar, a naval officer stood up and said, “I want the truth!” Gamble leaned forward and replied, “Your job isn’t to know or tell the truth. It’s to absorb failure like a human sandbag made of misplaced trust and ROTC delusion.”

According to Gamble, strategic gaslighting dates back to the nation’s founding. “George Washington didn’t just cross the Delaware,” he said. “He convinced freezing soldiers that marching barefoot was character-building. That’s operational art.”

The first module, ‘Weaponizing Plausible Deniability,’ opens with students writing down three things they’re proud of before burning the papers and chanting, “I never said that.” The module concludes with a peer review exercise in which students gaslight one another into believing it’s 2016 and they’re still motivated.

PALM BEACH, Fla. – Sources say the decision to launch a daring predawn raid to capture Venezuelan President Nicolás Maduro was tied to something the Secretary of Defense holds near and dear to his heart: height and weight standards.

“I am fucking tired of looking out across the globe and seeing fat dictators and world leaders!” Hegseth reportedly screamed during a meeting with several general officers. “It’s unbecoming. It’s unprofessional. Do presidents and prime ministers even know what a comprehensive physical fitness plan is? This is why the world is so goddamned unstable — a lack of standards!”

At 6 feet, 2 inches, the 63-year-old Maduro recently tipped the scales at 220 pounds, according to classified intelligence reporting. While the Latin American strongman is not required to meet U.S. Army standards — which cap a 74-inch male over 40 at 214 pounds — the discrepancy had become a fixation for Hegseth.

“Two hundred and twenty fucking pounds!” Hegseth reportedly shouted after reviewing CIA pattern-of-life reports and updated biometric data. “That’s not leadership. That’s a profile.”

“I haven’t seen the secretary lose it like that since he saw a Sikh chaplain in uniform," said one Pentagon staffer. “Even after learning the chaplain was in regs, he just wandered off muttering, ‘Fucking Hajji beardos…’” 

Shortly after the meeting, Hegseth requested an audience with President Donald Trump and urged the commander in chief to green-light Operation Absolute Resolve immediately. Witnesses say Hegseth was later observed watching the live drone feed during the January 3, 2026 raid, smirking and repeatedly whispering, “FAFO, you fat fuck. FAFO…”

According to senior defense officials, Hegseth’s push for world leader weight standards reportedly informed his support for the pardon of former Honduran president Juan Orlando Hernández after learning the convicted narco-trafficker had dropped significant weight and improved his run times while incarcerated. The secretary has also cited Osama bin Laden’s decade-long evasion of capture in multiple briefings as proof that “low body fat equals high survivability,” a phrase several officers confirmed now appears on at least one official PowerPoint slide.

Morbidly obese major has really squared away haircut

Promote ahead of peers

Duffel BlogBad Lawyer

Navy Combat Fatness Test starts soon for chiefs and super chiefs

The Army may have a new physical fitness test, but the Navy has countered with a new Combat Fatness Test.

Duffel BlogDuffel Blog Staff

Point/Counterpoint: Women In Kombat

The following is a debate between Special Forces officer Sonya Blade and Shotokan ice-manipulator Sub-Zero on allowing women to serve in Mortal Kombat units.

Duffel BlogDuffel Blog Staff

DOD Announces new SitBit Activity Tracker for Staff Officers

The Pentagon will equip all staff officers at or above battalion level with wristwatch-sized SitBit inactivity trackers.

Duffel BlogDuffel Blog Staff

DUFFEL BLOG PRESENTS: The Platoon Sergeant’s guide to dealing with Lieutenants

Are you a Platoon Sergeant struggling to deal with a pesky young lieutenant?

Duffel BlogDuffel Blog Staff

A ROMANTIC relationship is not finished after a final argument or the return of possessions but when the man no longer watches the woman’s Instagram stories. 

The digital detox which follows the cessation of all contact is the ultimate sign the man has moved on and lost all interest, even in a selfie featuring prominent cleavage.

Sophie Rodriguez, aged 29, said: “After Tom and I split, we blocked each other. My Stories were the only channel of communication but were also for a wider audience, so it was like I was sending coded messages through a newspaper to a spy.

“He sat through my ‘happier than ever’ girls’ night out video, dutifully watched all the quotes set against sunset backdrops and even looked at my video bending over to lay flowers on my grandmother’s grave. That one was shameless.

“Then, without warning, he stopped appearing on the viewer list. I went through the denial of claiming there must be a glitch, the bargaining of thinking he was busy or dead, and finally acceptance. He’s over me. He shouldn’t be but he is.

“Even the video of me sucking enthusiastically on a Solero in January elicited no response. Well, not from him, though lustful and misogynistic comments from upwards of 30 reply guys were some comfort.”

Ex Tom Logan, aged 27, said: “What a wonderfully gentle off-ramp from infatuation Instagram has provided. With each misattributed inspirational quote, I loved her a little less.”

THE bus station of every town and city is a wild, lawless place where society has broken down entirely and madness reigns, studies have confirmed. 

Researchers found that any terminal where buses begin and end journeys inevitably, for reasons unknown, devolved into a post-apocalyptic Mad Max environment where the weak are prey for the strong and the 87 to Eyres Monsell never comes.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “Our findings won’t come as a surprise to any unfortunate souls who’ve found themselves in these shanties of the damned. McDonald’s after 11pm comes a notable second.

“All of the signs are wrong, there’s bird shit everywhere, every horizontal surface is coveed in spikes and the reek of piss is ever-present. They’re not so much vital parts of the public transport infrastructure as a preview of the nightmare to come.

“Pity anyone forced to use them on a daily basis. Herds of depressed commuters, all who know they’re only one wrong glance away from a riot kicking off? Protected only by their earbuds and their indifference? A grimy, vaping hell.

“The only way to escape these ghettos is to make a cursed deal with the sullen-faced wardens who despise them the most: bus drivers.”

Regular bus traveller Martin Bishop said: “Bus stations aren’t that bad. If you know a better place to buy 15 kilos of dog hair for two teeth, I’d like to hear it.”

ANDY Burnham has told Labour any attempt to stem the wave of Burnhamania overwhelming the UK can only lose. 

The mayor of Manchester, who loves his city so much he attempted to quit his job for a worse job, informed Keir Starmer that he cannot tame the whirlwind and the Burnham army will inevitably triumph.

He continued: “They can stop me at the NEC, for now. But look around. At the Burnham badges on jackets, the Burnham graffiti on walls, my name on lips. I’ve already won.

“In every city the youths cry my name. In the corridors of power it is only whispered, but with hope that could level mountains. Soon it will be chanted on the streets by millions. It is not for myself, but for the people that I sought to become member for Gorton and Denton.”

18-year-old Hannah Tomlinson confirmed: “Forget K-pop. All Gen Z cares about is Andy Burnham’s visionary public transport policies and plans to encourage working-class representation in the arts. And my grandparents are the same.

“When his forthcoming album Burnham Baby Burnham is number one on iTunes pre-orders, when Tom Holland’s cast as him in the biopic, when he’s sold out nine consecutive nights at Wembley, what can the NEC do?

“Burnhamania has taken Britain. A seat as a MP will follow as surely as day follows night.

“Prime minister? No, he’d make a shit prime minister.”

MEN of a certain age are clued up on the latest developments in sex and use appropriate terminology without shame. Your dad’s employed each of these: 

‘Ladies of the night’

Having heard that saying ‘prostitute’ is offensive but not yet aware of ‘sex worker’, dads have rejected ‘courtesan’ and ‘harlot’ and, in a bid to touch base with new generations apparently okay with this stuff, have noted that the road down by the station attracts a lot of ‘ladies of the night’. Calling them this implies he is a ‘man of the world’.

‘The birds and the bees’

Ever since he sat you down at age nineteen and awkwardly handed you a condom, your father has made it clear that any further questions you might have about ‘the birds and the bees’, a phrase he’d like you to think he is using ironically, are ‘best tackled by your mother’.

‘Mucky magazines’

Unaware that you were aware internet porn existed, charmingly believing it was his secret, your dad was concerned about you keeping ‘dirty books’ under your bed and wisely warned you to tuck them away before your poor mum found them while cleaning and died of a breast-induced heart attack.

‘A blue movie’

After watching a terrible film, your sweet old pa notes that the acting was ‘worse than a blue movie’, then blushes furiously, because how on earth would he know? Certainly he never rented anything like that from the corner shop’s video section when rest of the family was holidaying in Tenby.

‘Marital aids’

Your father’s a modern man, and as he explained once after two beers, he had no qualms about turning to ‘marital aids’ when he and your mum’s sex life hit a rough patch. Specifically? An unbranded lubricant used in GP surgeries.

‘On the other bus’ 

It’s wonderful to find your father is so open-minded about sexuality when you bring home a gay friend for a family meal. Not a word of disapproval is voiced. However, following Dean’s departure, a dizzying number of phrases from ‘uphill gardener’ to ‘friend of Dorothy’ are employed, all vaguely sinister. You explain that ‘one of them’ is not okay any more.

As we get older it’s becoming increasingly difficult to keep up with all the latest trends and vocabulary of the young ‘uns. It’s probably easiest not to bother trying, to be honest. Ex-Twitter user, now on Bluesky, Damien Owens probably best summed up this phenomenon with his wildly viral 2022 post: Very relatable. And now […]

The post A Tweet about ‘Clavicular’ and ‘Jestermaxxing’ has made people feel very old and confused (us included) appeared first on The Poke.

The fallout from the heinous crimes taking place in Minneapolis, and on social media everywhere, continues. At the forefront of the chaos is US Secretary of Homeland Security, Kristi Noem, who continues to fall extremely short of her job title. Noem was on Fox News recently to talk about the latest execution carried out by […]

The post Kristi Noem’s non-answer about ICE’s latest Minneapolis killing was a fact-flipping filibuster for the ages appeared first on The Poke.

It’s hard to watch a video of Donald Trump and not notice his disturbing mental and physical decline. Hell, it’s hard to watch a video of Donald Trump, full stop. That’s the point Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez wants to make when it comes to what we’re all seeing with our own eyes. Here’s AOC talking to the […]

The post Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez called out the media’s wild double standard in reporting Trump’s cognitive abilities (or otherwise) and totally nailed it appeared first on The Poke.

Everyone associated with Donald Trump’s White House continues to stage an era-defining masterclass in exactly how not to handle a national crisis. The latest Trumper to insert his foot directly into his mouth is head of US Border Patrol, Greg Bovino. Bovino was asked about the victim, Alex Pretti, who was shot and killed by […]

The post Trump’s border patrol chief told the public that ICE agents are the real victims in Minneapolis and had people bellowing into next week appeared first on The Poke.

JD Vance might be literate enough to write a best-selling memoir, but he certainly can’t read the room. Vance took to Twitter to voice his displeasure with how his ICE agents are being treated in Minneapolis amidst the chaos and violence. He was outraged that they couldn’t even get a peaceful meal in between harassing […]

The post JD Vance asked people to spare a thought for these poor ICE agents and he didn’t just not read the room, he was in the wrong building – 17 booming clap backs appeared first on The Poke.