BURBANK, CA—Encouraging the child to explore the conglomerate’s vast catalog of characters and copyrights, Disney executive John Ervin reminded his 2-year-old daughter on Monday that only artwork featuring the company’s intellectual property was permitted on the fridge. “That’s very creative, Edie, but unfortunately it has no existing fan base,” said the 49-year-old Ervin, who handed the toddler back the drawing of a colorful, octopus-like creature she had presented him with and tried to explain the financial reality of the motion picture industry in terms he thought she could understand. “I sure hope this blue guy over here is Stitch or a Na’vi, because Daddy doesn’t own the rights to the Smurfs. Come on, don’t you want to draw Anna and Elsa? Or what about something from 20th Century Studios? Do you want to draw a FernGully reboot, pumpkin?” Ervin went on to say, “No, Mommy isn’t IP either.”
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OVERLAND PARK, KS—Expressing frustration that his efforts to be accommodating continue to go unappreciated, area man Thomas Kemps confirmed Monday that nothing is ever good enough for the woman he has been holding captive in his basement for the past 39 days. “I give and I give, and what do I get in return? Not a single genuine thank-you,” said Kemps, explaining that he has provided the bound and gagged woman with a perfectly good mattress from the alley and the most expensive rope available at the hardware store, but she still finds things to complain about. “I work day and night to put dog food on the floor for her, and she gives me nothing but attitude and entitlement. First, she asks for a special bucket so she won’t have to shit in the corner, and then I have to hear her whine on and on about how the bucket is full. Oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t realize the Uber passenger I drugged and abducted was a princess. Seriously, I’m bending over backwards to help this girl out, and yet she still attempts to slash me in the face with a shard of broken glass. Just a totally ungrateful hostage.” At press time, Kemps was relieved to report that simply threatening to murder the woman’s children had really helped reset the tone of their relationship.
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PARIS—Clutching their chests in wonder at the newly unveiled work by an anonymous street artist, all 68 million members of the French populace were reportedly brought to tears Friday by a cartoon of a robot holding a flower. “Technology has made us into zombies, and yet here is a robot showing us the truth,” said 43-year-old Clémence Lefèvre, echoing the sentiment of the entire French populace, whose economy ground to a halt as millions of police officers, nannies, mimes, pastry chefs, priests, and rebellious beatniks alike abruptly stopped their affairs to march down the Champs-Élysées and raise their voices as one to thank the robot. “This work is, how do you say…transcendent. It expresses an emotion beyond love and despair, for it is a reflection of love and despair itself. It is subversive like the art of Marcel Duchamp, and yet universal, speaking to all who suffer from ennui and an addiction to their phone. This is better than any work in that bourgeois temple of uninspired slop, the Louvre. Mon Dieu, what have we done to Mother Earth?” At press time, an elderly farmer in a horse-drawn wagon was reported to have rolled up to the cartoon, wordlessly placed his hand on the robot’s heart, and collapsed into a peaceful death.
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TAIPEI CITY — After spending over an hour-and-a-half climbing to the top of the Taipei 101 skyscraper, Alex Honnold was left kicking himself after realizing there was an elevator just inside.
Cinephiles, get excited, because the following story is going to have you rushing back to the theaters: A24 has released the director’s cut of Marty Supreme that includes the full 13-hour scene where Mr. Wonderful spanks Marty’s ass.
So much yes!
With box office success and several Oscar nominations to its name, it’s safe to say Marty Supreme is a massive hit. But as much as audiences are loving the film and its inspiring “Dream Big” message, fans have had one major critique: why was the scene where Mr. Wonderful (Mr. Wonderful) spanks Marty’s (Timothée Chalamet) ass so short? Director Josh Safdie clearly agrees.
According to a note written by Josh Safdie for A24’s Instagram, the director explained:
“As has always been my intention, Marty Supreme is the incredible story of a wiry, tiny guy who misbehaves until he gets a good spanking. In the script, the climactic scene in which Mr. Wonderful spanks Marty’s ass red and raw was written as a proper 13-hour spanking. Although we shot the scene in full, due to pressures from producers, financiers, and theater owners, I was forced to cut the scene down to an extremely brief two minutes. This was a heartbreaking loss of verisimilitude for the film, as spankings during the 1950s took much longer than what was depicted onscreen. Fortunately, this director’s cut restores my original vision, and you can see the film as it was meant to be seen: a 15-hour epic exploring the American Dream of getting spanked by a guy from reality TV.”
Incredible!
Marty Supreme: The Director’s Cut will be playing exclusively at Alamo Drafthouse, featuring the film’s restored tagline, “SPANK BIG.” Comment below if you’ll be checking it out this weekend!
Sesame Street is an all-time classic children’s show, but a recent episode has some people wondering if the program went too far: Did Sesame Street cross the line when Elmo performed his original comedic character “Theresa Poverty, The World’s Most Disenfranchised Woman” to teach kids that just because something’s really funny doesn’t mean it ‘s okay to laugh at?
Yikes. While it’s definitely important to teach kids about the nuances between comedy and ridicule, this seems like it might’ve pushed the boundaries a little too much.
The episode began harmlessly with a visit to a comedy club to see a show performed by some beloved Sesame Street characters, featuring a delightful an opening set by Grover that mused on how frustrating it is when you see that someone is typing a text to you but then they never send the message. But as Elmo entered the stage to the sound of Jay-Z’s “Hard Knock Life,” the episode took a surprisingly edgy turn. Elmo, wearing a long dark wig and tattered clothing, walked up to the mic and introduced himself in a confusing foreign accent as, “Theresa Poverty, the world’s most disenfranchised woman.”
Immediately, the audience of kids burst into laughter. By way of introduction, Elmo—or Theresa Poverty, rather—explained, “I’m a quarter Dominican, a quarter Sudanese, a quarter Afghan, a quarter autistic, and a hundred percent BROKE, BEE-YOTCH!” Elmo then started taking things out of a plastic Dollar General bag (a vessel he referred to as Theresa’s “Birkin”), identifying them as, “cigarettes bought with my food stamps,” “condoms bought with my food stamps,” and a messy, unwrapped taco that he described as “almost as messy as my own after I’m done working the corner!”
But as Elmo repeatedly chanted Theresa’s catchphrase, “Me no have money!” in a different albeit similarly confusing foreign accent to a rapturous crowd, the curtain behind Elmo opened, revealing three real-life women wearing tattered clothes similar to his comedic character’s. The audience fell into an immediate silence as Big Bird rose up from his seat and asked, “Was Theresa Poverty funny to you?” The crowd remained silent, unsure what to say. Big Bird then added, “Is Theresa Poverty still funny, knowing that three real Theresa Povertys were watching you cackle and sneer?”
As Big Bird explained, “You’re right that Theresa Poverty is very, very funny. But it’s the type of humor that you can’t laugh at publicly, because it plays on offensive, off-color tropes. So when you want to laugh at Theresa Poverty, you have to do it quietly in your head.”
The episode has sparked a spirited debate online, with criticisms calling the controversial episode “racist,” “classist,” and “a challenging piece of art that has good intentions yet fails upon premise, as Elmo’s character is simply too unfunny to prove the episode’s point.”
Seems fair enough to us! What do you think? Will you be showing this episode to your children? Sound off below!
While President Trump has always had his odd moments, the aging president’s behavior has been under even more scrutiny as rumors of dementia and Alzheimer’s treatments swirl. The latest troubling sign of his mental decline? Trump just mistook Marco Rubio for a urinal during a White House meeting.
Yikes. This is not a good sign.
During a gathering of business leaders in the White House earlier today, Trump abruptly lost his train of thought while in the middle of explaining that, “Gas is what our cars need to do their thing. No gas, they are dead in the street. Gotta have that gas…” He then stood up, wandered over to Marco Rubio, unzipped his suit pants, and began urinating on him. Marco struggled to keep a straight face as Trump covered him in urine while several of the executives present let out forced chuckles in an attempt to play it off as if they thought Mr. Trump was pissing all over Marco just to be funny.
After finishing his piss, Trump said, “That’s a nice one. Isn’t this a nice one?” while looking to the baffled CEOs in attendance for a response, then pressed down on Marco’s right ear in an attempt to flush him. When his first attempt to flush Marco yielded no result, Trump grew frustrated and pressed it several more times until Marco finally caved and made a flushing sound with his mouth. “Somebody’s gotta fix this!” Trump said to a portrait of George Washington that hung on the wall as more nervous chuckles emerged from the awkward scene.
Oof. This man is clearly experiencing some sort of major decline.
While it’s normal for the elderly to experience moments of confusion, this is the man with the nuclear codes. If he’s mistaking his Secretary of State for a urinal today, who knows what mistakes his aging brain could make tomorrow. While this time it just resulted in a urine-covered man, more serious consequences could be on the horizon. This is definitely something to keep an eye on!
Home Alone is one of the most beloved family comedies of all time, but would the 1990 classic have been the same film had the Wet Bandits taken care of Kevin right off the bat? Here are six ways Home Alone would have played out differently if the Wet Bandits had just immediately killed Kevin.
1. They wouldn’t have had to worry about traps nearly as much
One of the signature elements of Home Alone is the barrage of traps and improvised weapons that Kevin employs against the Wet Bandits as he fights them off. Had the intruders just immediately shot the young boy in the face, however, most if not all of those traps would never have existed. While killing Kevin right away would have removed some of the most fun scenes in the film, it would also have made it easier to watch for those who have a phobia of traps or simply don’t enjoy watching burglars get trapped in various ways.
2. They would have been able to rob the house much more quickly and move on to the next crime
While killing Kevin within 15 seconds of discovering him in the house (perhaps by strangulation or blunt trauma) would have removed him as the main character in the film, it would have had one pretty major benefit for the Wet Bandits: They would be able to quickly rob Kevin’s house of its valuables and move on to the next score. Honestly, with Kevin out of the way that early on in the film, viewers may have forgotten all about his murder by the time the movie ended. It could have been a completely different film!
3. A lot of the jokes would have had to come from them trying to dispose of Kevin’s body
In the version of Home Alone where the Wet Bandits don’t immediately kill Kevin, most of the film’s humorous antics come from Kevin cleverly thwarting the burglars’ robbery attempts. But if Kevin died right off the bat, the focus of the laughs would have to be moved to the Bandits’ attempts to to dissolve Kevin’s body in the bathtub with lye or dispose of it in a wood chipper. Under the expert direction of Chris Columbus this plotline could undoubtedly have been handled in a hilarious way, but it definitely would have given the film a different vibe.
4. Kevin’s parents would have felt a lot more guilty for leaving him at home alone
While in the version of the film we’re all familiar with Kevin’s parents feel terrible about leaving him home alone, it would have introduced a whole new level to their regret if they had come home after realizing their mistake to find Kevin’s decapitated body in their kitchen. The original edit juxtaposed scenes of the McCallister family frantically trying to get home with scenes of Kevin heroically fighting off the Wet Bandits, but the alternate version would instead juxtapose scenes of the McCallisters frantically trying to get home with shots of Kevin’s rotting corpse attracting flies. It’s really interesting to imagine how changing this one little detail could have changed the whole movie!
5. They might have had to kill Old Man Marley as well
In the real-life version of Home Alone, Kevin’s neighbor Old Man Marley is initially thought to be a creepy murderer, but he turns out to be a sweet lonely man who ends up saving Kevin from the Wet Bandits. In our alternate-reality version, he probably would have ended up being another corpse, perhaps stacked on top of Kevin’s body in the trunk of a stolen car that is later burned in the woods. It’s likely Kevin’s murder early in the film would change the story arc for more characters than just Kevin.
6. It would have been called something like Child’s Body or Kevin’s Death
With Kevin dead immediately following his introduction, there would have been no living character to be “Home Alone,” meaning the film would have had to be titled something completely different. Some possibilities would be Child’s Body, Kevin’s Death, Nothing To Get In The Way Of Their Crimes, or even, Home Dead. But Home Alone definitely wouldn’t make any sense. Pretty wild to think how this one minor change in the plot would have made a major difference!
Well, this is just about the most rotten luck fate could throw at a dedicated, veteran birdwatcher: This man has been birdwatching for 30 years but has only seen a chicken.
Good for him for not giving up on his beloved hobby…but dang. You have to feel for this guy.
When Roanoke, VA resident Ken Brindle, 66, first began birdwatching three decades ago, he thought he was off to a hot start after seeing a chicken the very same afternoon he bought a birdwatching journal. Devastatingly for Ken, his birdwatching career has not progressed whatsoever beyond logging that chicken, as he has not seen a single bird ever since, despite making birdwatching the basis of his entire personality and sinking thousands of dollars into high-end birding binoculars over the years. Whereas every other member of Ken’s local birding club has logged dozens, if not hundreds, of different bird species, the fact remains that while Ken has been birdwatching longer than all other members by a wide margin, his logbook is completely blank aside from the entry ‘Chicken, 1/10/1996’ on page one.
Ken has found himself on one of the worst, if not the worst, cold streaks in birding history. For 30 years, each and every time Ken thought he’d finally seen a second bird, it turned out to be a false alarm. Take his trip to Everglades National Park, one of the world’s best birdwatching locations, for example: After six hours of searching, Ken turned his binoculars on what he was initially convinced was a flamingo, but upon closer inspection turned out to be a waterlogged human corpse.
Gosh. It just doesn’t get more heartbreaking than that.
Fortunately for Ken, he just retired at the end of last year, meaning he now has more time than ever to dedicate to birding, and hopefully seeing at least one other bird than a chicken. He’ll even get to do so with his eight-year-old granddaughter Julia, who was recently inspired by her grandfather to take up birdwatching, and logged over 10 different kinds of birds just last weekend. When Julia related this news to her grandfather over the phone, Ken reportedly hung up without responding and locked himself in his room, where he remains as of this article’s publication.
What a tough break for a birder.
Our heart goes out to Ken. What should’ve been a wholesome hobby has so far resulted in half a lifetime of disappointment. Keep your fingers that Ken sees another chicken at the very least, otherwise he can chalk up the 30 years he’s devoted to birdwatching as a massive, soul-crushing failure.
SAN DIEGO, Calif. — Navy Information Systems Technician Chief Toby “Tobasco” McElhenny has been in the Navy for over 14 years, and in that time has accumulated plenty of résumé-friendly accomplishments: meeting three former presidents, visiting six continents, mentoring countless division officers, and being named Sailor of the Year twice. But McElhenny rarely mentions any of that.
Instead, the chief prefers to regale junior sailors with port-call stories and sea tales that routinely implicate him and several others in federal felonies and international crimes.
“One time, we stuffed a J-girl in my buddy’s sea bag, kept her tucked away for about a month, and then dropped her off in the Philippines with just a few pesos pinned to her collar,” McElhenny said, laughing while recalling one deployment. “Good times. Old-time Navy. Can’t do that now.”
McElhenny was referring to a 2016 deployment to Seventh Fleet, a Pacific cruise that appears to implicate him in human trafficking, kidnapping, aggravated assault, and possibly murder. The woman’s age, condition, and continued existence remain unclear.
Despite this, sailors frequently approach McElhenny to hear his colorful stories and “learn more about the Navy.” One junior sailor, IT3 Cameron Civilotti, said he enjoys listening to the chief but has questions about the accuracy of the tales.
“Prostitution is illegal, so I really hope he’s joking about picking up hookers in Phuket,” Civilotti said. “And I really hope he was kidding when he said he accidentally ran over an old Greek woman in Souda Bay.”
Civilotti’s naïveté appears to amuse McElhenny, who insists that all of his stories are completely true. Civilotti, however, remains unconvinced.
“Chief cracks me up,” Civilotti said. “But if he did even half of what he talks about, I feel like I should call the police. Or the U.N.” Civilotti added, frantically Googling on his phone, “Is it too late to report something to Interpol?”
McElhenny maintains that his stories are verifiable but denies any wrongdoing, citing his multiple deployments and decorated service record as evidence of his moral character.
“I’ve deployed nine times in 14 years, so sue me if I want a little butter on my buns when we pull into port,” McElhenny said while taking his daily dose of Valtrex. “I don’t think that makes me the bad guy for wanting a little fun while defending freedom and democracy around the world.”
Civilotti said he is also disturbed by some of the less sensational stories McElhenny tells.
“Chief Tobasco once walked me through how easy it is to hack ATMs in Singapore,” Civilotti recalled. “Which I’m pretty sure is a serious cybercrime, but surely a senior enlisted member of the U.S. Navy wouldn’t break the law that casually. Right?”
Gray Sea Liu
Gray Sea Liu
Duffel Blog Staff
Gray Sea Liu
Duffel Blog Staff
DAVOS, Switzerland — President Donald Trump on Wednesday used his recently-acquired Nobel Peace Prize to bludgeon the prime minister of Denmark to death, sources confirmed today.
The killing occurred during a highly contentious meeting over the fate of Greenland between dozens of world leaders at the World Economic Forum in Davos, where the 79-year-old president reportedly lunged at Danish Prime Minister Mette Frederiksen and struck her repeatedly with a framed Peace Prize Trump had received earlier as a gift from Venezuelan opposition leader María Corina Machado.
“I’m getting Greenland, one way or the other,” Trump said while delivering sustained and methodical blows, bloodying the award typically granted “to the person who shall have done the most or the best work for fraternity between nations” over the past year. Indeed, Trump has worked tirelessly since his inauguration to bring much of the world together by uniting them in shared anger at the United States.
“I’m done thinking purely of peace,” Trump added, momentarily pausing to wipe blood from the frame with his tie and checking his reflection in the shattered glass before continuing.
The unprecedented murder of a world leader at the hands of another followed weeks of Trump threatening to use military force to take “complete and total control of Greenland.” According to White House sources, the president views ownership of the island as strategically essential, aesthetically pleasing, and extremely helpful in distracting from the Epstein files.
"See? I promised I wouldn't use military force," Trump said as he caught his breath. "Tell Rubio that I just stopped another war. Add it to the list."
In the immediate aftermath, Treasury Secretary Scott Bessent urged stunned European leaders to remain calm.
“Sit back, take a deep breath, do not retaliate, do not retaliate,” Bessent said, while aides quietly removed shards of glass and wood fragments from the floor.
W.E. Linde
Duffel Blog Staff
Grumpy
Kay Too Ess Ohhhhh
Duffel Blog Staff
FORT RILEY, Kan. — Fuck! You left your stupid I.D. card in your stupid computer. Experts confirm this will now cost you the rest of your day. You’ll have to walk all the way back upstairs to get the damned thing out of your office.
Oh great, there’s the XO. Don’t make eye contact. You made eye contact with him. He asks you about the Command and Staff brief and whether you have time to “just refactor” a few of the slides. You are now walking in the opposite direction of your I.D. card.
He wants the metrics displayed in a slightly different way that no one will notice, but which will almost certainly take several hours to change.
According to Outlook — which the Army forced you to install on your phone — this was the only 20 minutes you had to get lunch today, and it’s rapidly evaporating.
Not that you were terribly excited about getting a small Subway sandwich with grilled chicken. Height and weight is in a few weeks and you’re trying to drop the last few pounds because the Secretary of War has decided your personal BMI is a matter of national security.
Good gravy, now S-1 is asking you about overdue OERs. Can’t you just get a sandwich? Can’t you just get one sandwich without the United States Army falling apart?
You lie and say the OERs are “up at HQDA,” buying yourself a little time. A problem for later. You tell yourself that a lot.
The food court line won’t be that bad. You can still make it back before the training meeting. You’ll just have to drive a little faster than usual, which is fine, because consequences are theoretical.
Wait. Why is the water buffalo in the company lot? That water buffalo is supposed to be at Range 7. Why is it here? You ask Staff Sgt. Dylan Jones what’s going on.
“Sir, we never got this water buffalo certified,” he reports.
You remember, dimly, that water buffalos require certification. You ask what they’re doing for water at Range 7.
“We filled up some water cans that said non-potable on them,” Staff Sgt. Jones says. “So the Joes are good.”
Your eye starts to twitch. Staff Sgt. Jones, now apparently an expert in water buffalo certification, does not appear to know what “non-potable” means. You wish you hadn’t promised your wife you’d stop dipping. Also, it’s her birthday next week. Another problem for later.
You drive like a madman to the PX and grab cases of bottled water for Range 7. No personally owned vehicles on the range, so you’ll have to coordinate a JLTV or something. Your arms ache as you stand in line, questioning every decision you’ve ever made.
The cashier asks for your I.D. card before you can pay.
Fuck.
You left your I.D. card in your computer.
Duffel Blog Staff
Duffel Blog Staff
Red Friday
Duffel Blog
Roger Wilco
WASHINGTON — The Eisenhower School of National Security and Resource Strategy announced this week that it has launched a new course for senior leaders titled Strategic Gaslighting: Shaping Reality Through Passive-Aggressive Command Presence.
The program is spearheaded by retired Lt. Gen. Duane Gamble, who first introduced himself by appearing unannounced in the middle of a staff meeting about pending logistics failures, calmly walking to the front of the room, and declaring himself the department chair. No one recalls inviting him or even seeing him enter the building, but by the time the room stopped spinning, he had assigned mandatory reading and asserted the course had always existed.
“If you don’t remember it, that’s a reflection of your lack of commitment,” Gamble said. “And possibly your unresolved trauma.” Students nodded, including several who had only shown up for free parking before watching the Nationals lose another baseball game.
Described by organizers as a full-spectrum, cross-domain, multi-agency joint offensive against perception, the course teaches future general officers how to discredit subordinates, weaponize vague policies, and manipulate reality using little more than command presence and a perfectly timed calendar invite.
During one seminar, a naval officer stood up and said, “I want the truth!” Gamble leaned forward and replied, “Your job isn’t to know or tell the truth. It’s to absorb failure like a human sandbag made of misplaced trust and ROTC delusion.”
According to Gamble, strategic gaslighting dates back to the nation’s founding. “George Washington didn’t just cross the Delaware,” he said. “He convinced freezing soldiers that marching barefoot was character-building. That’s operational art.”
The first module, ‘Weaponizing Plausible Deniability,’ opens with students writing down three things they’re proud of before burning the papers and chanting, “I never said that.” The module concludes with a peer review exercise in which students gaslight one another into believing it’s 2016 and they’re still motivated.
PALM BEACH, Fla. – Sources say the decision to launch a daring predawn raid to capture Venezuelan President Nicolás Maduro was tied to something the Secretary of Defense holds near and dear to his heart: height and weight standards.
“I am fucking tired of looking out across the globe and seeing fat dictators and world leaders!” Hegseth reportedly screamed during a meeting with several general officers. “It’s unbecoming. It’s unprofessional. Do presidents and prime ministers even know what a comprehensive physical fitness plan is? This is why the world is so goddamned unstable — a lack of standards!”
At 6 feet, 2 inches, the 63-year-old Maduro recently tipped the scales at 220 pounds, according to classified intelligence reporting. While the Latin American strongman is not required to meet U.S. Army standards — which cap a 74-inch male over 40 at 214 pounds — the discrepancy had become a fixation for Hegseth.
“Two hundred and twenty fucking pounds!” Hegseth reportedly shouted after reviewing CIA pattern-of-life reports and updated biometric data. “That’s not leadership. That’s a profile.”
“I haven’t seen the secretary lose it like that since he saw a Sikh chaplain in uniform," said one Pentagon staffer. “Even after learning the chaplain was in regs, he just wandered off muttering, ‘Fucking Hajji beardos…’”
Shortly after the meeting, Hegseth requested an audience with President Donald Trump and urged the commander in chief to green-light Operation Absolute Resolve immediately. Witnesses say Hegseth was later observed watching the live drone feed during the January 3, 2026 raid, smirking and repeatedly whispering, “FAFO, you fat fuck. FAFO…”
According to senior defense officials, Hegseth’s push for world leader weight standards reportedly informed his support for the pardon of former Honduran president Juan Orlando Hernández after learning the convicted narco-trafficker had dropped significant weight and improved his run times while incarcerated. The secretary has also cited Osama bin Laden’s decade-long evasion of capture in multiple briefings as proof that “low body fat equals high survivability,” a phrase several officers confirmed now appears on at least one official PowerPoint slide.
Bad Lawyer
Duffel Blog Staff
Duffel Blog Staff
Duffel Blog Staff
Duffel Blog Staff
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A ROMANTIC relationship is not finished after a final argument or the return of possessions but when the man no longer watches the woman’s Instagram stories.
The digital detox which follows the cessation of all contact is the ultimate sign the man has moved on and lost all interest, even in a selfie featuring prominent cleavage.
Sophie Rodriguez, aged 29, said: “After Tom and I split, we blocked each other. My Stories were the only channel of communication but were also for a wider audience, so it was like I was sending coded messages through a newspaper to a spy.
“He sat through my ‘happier than ever’ girls’ night out video, dutifully watched all the quotes set against sunset backdrops and even looked at my video bending over to lay flowers on my grandmother’s grave. That one was shameless.
“Then, without warning, he stopped appearing on the viewer list. I went through the denial of claiming there must be a glitch, the bargaining of thinking he was busy or dead, and finally acceptance. He’s over me. He shouldn’t be but he is.
“Even the video of me sucking enthusiastically on a Solero in January elicited no response. Well, not from him, though lustful and misogynistic comments from upwards of 30 reply guys were some comfort.”
Ex Tom Logan, aged 27, said: “What a wonderfully gentle off-ramp from infatuation Instagram has provided. With each misattributed inspirational quote, I loved her a little less.”
THE bus station of every town and city is a wild, lawless place where society has broken down entirely and madness reigns, studies have confirmed.
Researchers found that any terminal where buses begin and end journeys inevitably, for reasons unknown, devolved into a post-apocalyptic Mad Max environment where the weak are prey for the strong and the 87 to Eyres Monsell never comes.
Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “Our findings won’t come as a surprise to any unfortunate souls who’ve found themselves in these shanties of the damned. McDonald’s after 11pm comes a notable second.
“All of the signs are wrong, there’s bird shit everywhere, every horizontal surface is coveed in spikes and the reek of piss is ever-present. They’re not so much vital parts of the public transport infrastructure as a preview of the nightmare to come.
“Pity anyone forced to use them on a daily basis. Herds of depressed commuters, all who know they’re only one wrong glance away from a riot kicking off? Protected only by their earbuds and their indifference? A grimy, vaping hell.
“The only way to escape these ghettos is to make a cursed deal with the sullen-faced wardens who despise them the most: bus drivers.”
Regular bus traveller Martin Bishop said: “Bus stations aren’t that bad. If you know a better place to buy 15 kilos of dog hair for two teeth, I’d like to hear it.”
ANDY Burnham has told Labour any attempt to stem the wave of Burnhamania overwhelming the UK can only lose.
The mayor of Manchester, who loves his city so much he attempted to quit his job for a worse job, informed Keir Starmer that he cannot tame the whirlwind and the Burnham army will inevitably triumph.
He continued: “They can stop me at the NEC, for now. But look around. At the Burnham badges on jackets, the Burnham graffiti on walls, my name on lips. I’ve already won.
“In every city the youths cry my name. In the corridors of power it is only whispered, but with hope that could level mountains. Soon it will be chanted on the streets by millions. It is not for myself, but for the people that I sought to become member for Gorton and Denton.”
18-year-old Hannah Tomlinson confirmed: “Forget K-pop. All Gen Z cares about is Andy Burnham’s visionary public transport policies and plans to encourage working-class representation in the arts. And my grandparents are the same.
“When his forthcoming album Burnham Baby Burnham is number one on iTunes pre-orders, when Tom Holland’s cast as him in the biopic, when he’s sold out nine consecutive nights at Wembley, what can the NEC do?
“Burnhamania has taken Britain. A seat as a MP will follow as surely as day follows night.
“Prime minister? No, he’d make a shit prime minister.”
MEN of a certain age are clued up on the latest developments in sex and use appropriate terminology without shame. Your dad’s employed each of these:
‘Ladies of the night’
Having heard that saying ‘prostitute’ is offensive but not yet aware of ‘sex worker’, dads have rejected ‘courtesan’ and ‘harlot’ and, in a bid to touch base with new generations apparently okay with this stuff, have noted that the road down by the station attracts a lot of ‘ladies of the night’. Calling them this implies he is a ‘man of the world’.
‘The birds and the bees’
Ever since he sat you down at age nineteen and awkwardly handed you a condom, your father has made it clear that any further questions you might have about ‘the birds and the bees’, a phrase he’d like you to think he is using ironically, are ‘best tackled by your mother’.
‘Mucky magazines’
Unaware that you were aware internet porn existed, charmingly believing it was his secret, your dad was concerned about you keeping ‘dirty books’ under your bed and wisely warned you to tuck them away before your poor mum found them while cleaning and died of a breast-induced heart attack.
‘A blue movie’
After watching a terrible film, your sweet old pa notes that the acting was ‘worse than a blue movie’, then blushes furiously, because how on earth would he know? Certainly he never rented anything like that from the corner shop’s video section when rest of the family was holidaying in Tenby.
‘Marital aids’
Your father’s a modern man, and as he explained once after two beers, he had no qualms about turning to ‘marital aids’ when he and your mum’s sex life hit a rough patch. Specifically? An unbranded lubricant used in GP surgeries.
‘On the other bus’
It’s wonderful to find your father is so open-minded about sexuality when you bring home a gay friend for a family meal. Not a word of disapproval is voiced. However, following Dean’s departure, a dizzying number of phrases from ‘uphill gardener’ to ‘friend of Dorothy’ are employed, all vaguely sinister. You explain that ‘one of them’ is not okay any more.
EVEN when idiot parents deign to give their child an ordinary name they cannot get it right, for there is no spellcheck in the registry office. The bearers of these are marked for life:
Aimee
A misspelling so commonplace it’s now deemed acceptable, this like everything unacceptable began in America. Presumably the parents knew the word ‘aim’ already from time in the armed forces and/or first-person shooters, and had never got far enough into the alphabet to be familiar with the letter ‘y’. So two Es it is.
Michalle
Lends a little continental sophistication, the parents comfort themselves after realising their error. Meanwhile the child spends her life on the phone to call centres saying ‘no, it’s actually C-H-A-L-L’ to her own humiliation. She won’t ever forgive her mum and dad for what they’ve done. Nobody ever could.
Steaven
Faced with two choices, Steven or Stephen, these parents chose a third way. A wrong way. A f**k up, or a purposeful decision? What was the goal? Uniqueness? Originality? Annoying his teachers so much they refuse to say his name, giving him a free ride on all manner of developmental issues? Sometime normal people can be as abhorrent as celebrities.
Leesa
You know instantly that these parents spell ‘lose’ with two Os. So daft or lazy they’ve gone with phonetic spelling, they’ve inadvertently come up with something almost acceptably middle-class. Coupled with a double-barrelled surname will mean this child almost certainly grows up to have a credit score she doesn’t deserve.
Stefany
These parents do know the letter Y, to their child’s detriment. They’ve f**ked her over twice with first an F and then a Y, creating a name that seems more like a newly-coined adjective meaning ‘a bit like Stefan’.
Micheal
There is a silver lining here in that if you’re hanging with the uneducated, they’ll swear this is the correct spelling. To the point of laughing at and/or fighting those who dare correct it. Stick to the lower of society’s strata, this name is saying, and never dare to dream. A message which will be heeded.
JD Vance might be literate enough to write a best-selling memoir, but he certainly can’t read the room. Vance took to Twitter to voice his displeasure with how his ICE agents are being treated in Minneapolis amidst the chaos and violence. He was outraged that they couldn’t even get a peaceful meal in between harassing […]
The post JD Vance asked people to spare a thought for these poor ICE agents and he didn’t just not read the room, he was in the wrong building – 17 booming clap backs appeared first on The Poke.
To the studios of LBC now, where Lewis Goodall took once (and future?) Tory leader wannabe and current shadow cabinet member Priti Patel to task over where the UK finds itself now the thick end of a decade after the Brexit vote. You’ll probably know Goodall from his various presenting roles on the station and […]
The post Priti Patel was taken to task over the latest Brexit fallout and her response surely tells you as much about Patel as it does the UK’s European exit appeared first on The Poke.
If you’re going to stick your head above the parapet to defend something that’s been widely denounced as utter bilge, you need to double and tripe-check your facts. That’s not what right-wing commentator John Duffield did when coming out to bat for the White House after they got dragged for thinking Greenland has penguins. Here’s […]
The post Someone invoked the British Antarctic Territory flag to defend the White House’s cringeworthy Greenland penguin meme, but it wasn’t the gotcha he thought appeared first on The Poke.
There have been no end of videos posted on social media of the circumstances around the fatal shooting by ICE officers of 37-year-old nurse Alex Pretti. They surely put into stark contrast many if not all of the statements coming out of the White House right now, and make you especially grateful that such footage […]
The post Ros Atkins’ BBC analysis of the latest horrific killing by ICE agents in America is an important, essential 100-second watch appeared first on The Poke.
FBI director Kash Patel – you remember – went onto Fox News to defend the killing of 37-year-old Alex Pretti, killed in Minnesota by ICE agents in the latest outrage to rock Donald Trump’s America. And if Patel was expecting an entirely easy ride then that’s not what he got. Such is the horror of […]
The post If you want to know how well it’s going for Trump’s FBI man Kash Patel he just lost Fox News appeared first on The Poke.
