WICHITA, KS—Admitting that the tempting dried fruit would ruin her figure, local grandmother Linda Donovan told reporters Friday that she can’t trust herself to keep raisins in the house. “I used to keep a canister up in a high cabinet that I couldn’t reach without hurting myself, but I’ve decided it’s more responsible to remove them from my home entirely,” said Donovan, adding that she now only allows herself to enjoy raisins at restaurants. “Dried grapes? Don’t let me near them! Oh my goodness, I used to polish off an entire 130-calorie serving in one sitting. Not only are raisins overly decadent, but those natural sugars will have me bouncing off the walls. The last time I had raisins, I was up until 7 p.m. talking my friend Eileen’s ear off about the new James Patterson novel on the telephone. It would be nice to have them in the house as a treat for the grandkids, but this is for the best. Who has the willpower to resist raisins?” At press time, Donovan was indulging herself in an afternoon of hedonistic debauchery after discovering an old package of prunes in the refrigerator.

The post Grandmother Can’t Trust Herself To Keep Raisins In House appeared first on The Onion.

PASADENA, CA—Dispelling numerous widespread beliefs about the role the celestial body plays in life on Earth, astronomers at the California Institute of Technology published a paper in the Proceedings Of The National Academy Of Sciences Friday that found the moon serves no purpose but to alert raccoons that it’s safe to come out. “While it’s a common myth that the moon controls tides, our findings show it’s nothing more than a signal for raccoons to come out and eat trash,” said lead researcher Hannah Peng, noting that the moon’s symbiotic relationship with raccoons has aided in helping them see their food as well as avoid predators ever since the creatures started consuming human refuse around 15,000 years ago. “After analyzing countless fossil records, we have strong evidence the moon didn’t even exist before raccoons split off from ancient procyonidae ancestors. The moon protects raccoons, and in return, raccoons provide the moon with endless hours of entertainment. This is also the reason why you never see raccoons in the daytime.” Peng added that while the moon’s relationship to raccoons was conclusive, further research would be needed on the moon’s role in stabilizing the Earth’s axial tilt so that raccoons could have a regular breeding season.

The post Researchers Determine Moon Serves No Purpose But Alerting Raccoons It Safe To Come Out appeared first on The Onion.

After someone heard her knocking, a Thai woman was discovered alive inside her coffin, just narrowly avoiding cremation. What do you think?

“I couldn’t imagine having that kind of will to live.”

Shelby Fournier, Frog Hydrator

---

“Maybe prying open random coffin lids isn’t such a waste of time.”

Hubert Roers, Yogurt Stirrer

---

“At that point I’d just burn alive to avoid causing a scene.”

Roger Dallum, Artifact Gatherer

The post Thai Woman Found Alive In Coffin Moments Before Cremation appeared first on The Onion.

KNOXVILLE, TN—In a development her family began referring to as a “stroke of luck,” local 81-year-old Gloria Martin reportedly died Thursday before her granddaughter arrived to Thanksgiving dinner with her girlfriend. “Oh, thank God—problem solved, everybody,” said Frank Martin, grandson of the deceased, who reportedly breathed a sigh of relief along with his cousins, aunts, uncles, and parents after a morning spent imagining the various horrified reactions the family matriarch might have when his sister and her same-sex, live-in partner walked through the door. “That was going to be stressful, so now it feels like a gigantic weight has been lifted. We honestly couldn’t have asked for better timing. Grandma had just finished making her famous stuffing, which we still get to eat. And my sister was delayed by traffic, so no one has to try to explain what bisexuality is to a Catholic octogenarian. Win-win for everybody, really.” Martin went on to call his grandmother’s passing a “Thanksgiving miracle” after seeing that his sister had also shaved the side of her head.

The post Grandma Thankfully Dies Before Sister’s Girlfriend Arrives appeared first on The Onion.

The post Sweet Potato Dish Stopped Being Healthy 5 Ingredients Ago appeared first on The Onion.

OXFORD — One of the most well-known stories from the biblical gospels took on a whole new meaning this week, as a team of scholars revealed that they now believe the young rich man went away sad when Jesus told him to sell all his possessions because he had the Nintendo Power Glove.

SAN FRANCISCO, CA — New reports indicated that local homeless man John Brill politely yet firmly refused a passerby's offer of free leftover marshmallow jello salad earlier today, despite having not eaten in several days.

PORTLAND, OR — A turkey that had previously been pardoned by former President Joe Biden four times was reportedly arrested in connection with a violent turkey murder.

No one ever said being the best would come easy. Whether you want to win in the octagon or on the street, toughness and skill aren’t given, they’re earned! It’s time to train! To that end, here are six capybara petting zoos where they’ll look the other way if you want to use one of the capybaras to practice your Brazilian jiu-jitsu holds. 

1. Capybara Acres

The capybaras at Capybara Acres in Pigeon Forge, TN, are healthy and well cared for, but the owners are known to turn a blind eye to visitors roughhousing with their animals. Capybaras barely have any neck at all, which makes them the perfect sparring partners for practicing your rear naked chokes in preparation for the real deal. Plus, the $12 entry fee is good for a full day at Capybara Acres, which is a much better deal than paying double the price for just an hour with a human sparring partner. 

2. Cuddly Capys 

You can give the word “cuddling” an all-new meaning at Cuddly Capys in upstate New York, because the owners there don’t give TWO SHITS if their capybaras are pinned to the ground by aspiring mixed martial artists. With capybara farms as lax as Cuddly Capys, you’ve simply got zero reasons not to get out there and become a champion. 

3. Dave’s Petting Zoo

While some reports state that Dave might ask you to take it easy on his capybaras if he catches you doing guillotines on his giant rodents, others say that a five-spot will help change his mind. If you aren’t afraid of greasing a few capybara wrangler palms, Dave’s could probably replace your regular training gym. 

4. Mr. Capybara’s

Some say that the secret is out and Mr. Capybara’s is now so inundated with fighters that you can’t find a single capybara there who’s not being worked over by a young MMA hopeful. But if you’re willing to show up at the ass crack of dawn, you can still find a rodent to roll with. 

5. (Unnamed Capybara farm, Polaris, MT) 

This little hole-in-the wall is very liberal when it comes to wrangling and wrestling their collection of world class ‘baras. Do you have what it takes to pin all 17 in one day?

6. Capybara World

Yes, despite being the most mainstream capybara petting zoo in the entire nation, the “Disney World of capybara petting zoos” will still let guests get rough-and-tumble with their impressive collection of capybaras of all shapes and sizes, no questions asked. While training with capybaras should always be supplemented with cardio and weight training, there’s no reason you couldn’t replace a traditional gym membership with a Capybara World season pass and spend the majority of your workout time in the pens, just messing around with capybaras. It’s THAT good.

If you like to smile, get ready to throw your computer in the garbage, because this story is one of the saddest things you will ever read: It’s clear that this man’s parrot does not respect him.

How incredibly depressing. Our hearts go out to this man and his tragic situation.

As soon as you start spending time with 35-year-old Sean McNair and his 15-year-old sulphur-crested cockatoo Aristotle it becomes completely obvious that this bird views his human owner with absolute disdain and contempt. The parrot spends most of the day shrieking and knocking over items in Sean’s house with his beak. Whenever Sean tries to pick up the items that Aristotle has knocked over, the parrot starts squawking trying to bite Sean until he agrees to leave the items on the floor. 

Completely devastating. It’s honestly pretty astonishing that any bird feels comfortable displaying this much disrespect to any human.

In every aspect of his life, Aristotle strives to make it known that he has no regard whatsoever for Sean’s dignity or wellbeing. The parrot will occasionally land on Sean’s head and peck at it, then shriek the words “bastard boy” before swooping down the hallway to knock a framed photograph of Sean’s family off the wall. When Sean asks him to stop, Aristotle yells back, “Fat! Fat! Fat! Telephone! Hello! Fat!” and continues his rampage through the house. It’s readily apparent that he puts no stock in anything Sean has to say.

As if this whole situation weren’t already pathetic enough, Sean tries to laugh it off and pretend that his parrot doesn’t treat him like dirt. He’ll say things like, “Aristotle’s got a big personality” when the parrot shits on the floor while squawking the words “bastard” and “telephone” and “mud boy” over and over. And when Aristotle wakes him up in the middle of the night by biting his fingers and screaming “Hello! Fat! Hello! Telephone! Fat!” Sean just explains it away by calling the bird “high maintenance.” The poor guy is in complete denial that his parrot considers him an inferior life form, and it’s honestly heartbreaking to see.

There’s no way to sugarcoat this. This is the saddest thing that has happened in the 21st century and if you disagree you should not be welcome in restaurants or on television. This man’s parrot spends all day denigrating and debasing him, and he just sits there and takes it. Sean continues to provide Aristotle with food, water, and shelter while the parrot trashes his house and calls him “mud boy” and “telephone bastard.” If you’re not openly weeping right now, you officially have no soul!

There comes a time in every person’s life where they must shed the shackles of who they used to be and become someone new. And for Mom, the day has finally come: Mom just tried Stroopwafel while on a flight to Newport, Rhode Island.

You go, Mom! 

As the United Airlines flight attendant approached Mom in her seat in economy row 38, Mom assumed she’d get pretzels and a Diet Coke, just as she ordered the last time she flew on her 2023 trip to Santa Barbara for her niece’s wedding. However, at the urging of her seatmate—her adventurous friend Patricia, who’s divorced and into wild stuff like online dating—Mom instead ordered “Stroopwafel,” a foreign-sounding snack that Mom was at the time entirely unfamiliar with. After learning from Patricia that the snack was German (which, unfortunately, was incorrect, it’s Dutch) Mom gave the Stroopwafel a small, delicate bite and her eyes immediately rolled back into her head with near-orgasmic delight.

“Oh my Goooood,” Mom crooned, savoring the cinnamon-caramel taste. “Can you even find these things in the States?” Patricia responded, once again incorrectly, “Yes, but it’s really hard.” As Mom nibbled the rest of her way through the relatively common cookie, it became clear she had crossed some sort of threshold and come out the other side a totally different person—one with an appetite for novelty, exploration, and adventure.

There’s no telling what other new things Mom might try on the rest of her Rhode Island trip: Aperol spritzes, romantasy novels, possibly even hazy IPAs? All we know is that the world is Mom’s oyster, and she’s ready to go get what’s hers. You got this, Mom! Maybe this is the weekend you’ll even ride in an Uber for the first time!

If stories that hit a little too close to home tend to make you squirm then you might want to stop reading right now, because one woman in California is currently experiencing one of those little annoyances that is basically universal to every human being on Earth: This woman can’t remember why she crabwalked into the room.

Dang, talk about relatable! This is one of those situations that pretty much everyone goes through every now and then. This woman is basically all of us.

Sarah Fabian was just crabwalking around her house like we all do on a Sunday morning, taking care of various chores, when she found herself crabwalking into her bedroom and suddenly realizing she had completely blanked on what she had come in there to do. Sarah had to go through that all-too-familiar awkwardness of pausing for a full minute on all fours with her stomach facing the ceiling, trying desperately to remember what she had been meaning to do, before ultimately giving up and crabwalking backwards out of the room.

Ugh, did Sarah somehow find a video about our lives? The fact that this has happened to all of us is absolute proof that the struggle is real.

“I know I didn’t just crabwalk in there for no reason, but for the life of me I can’t remember what I wanted to do,” said Sarah, who might as well have been speaking for the whole human race considering how every last one of us has lived had this exact same moment countless times. “This is the most embarrassing thing that’s happened to me since last weekend when my friend Brian and I said goodbye to each other after meeting for coffee and then started slithering on our bellies in the same direction.”

It’s honestly eerie how much this woman is literally us. We fully predict that she’ll just be going about her business, doing the worm on the way to the supermarket when she’ll suddenly remember what she crabwalked into her bedroom to do and have to flip herself into a tabletop position to rush back there on all fours. It’s a tale as old as time. Keep fighting the good fight, Sarah. So many of us know exactly what you’re going through!

As if demolishing the White House’s entire East Wing for a gaudy ballroom wasn’t bad enough, 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue’s renovation plans aren’t ending there: President Trump just added a solid gold sybian to the White House Goon Cave.

Seriously? A 24k gold masturbation saddle? God, President Trump truly has the worst taste in interior decorating. 

According to inside sources, Trump commissioned a $15 million, custom-made gold sybian for the White House Goon Cave, the basement-level room designed to accommodate Commander-In-Chiefs’ gooning activities. On top of the gold sybian being a pricey, wasteful expenditure, it aesthetically clashes with the rest of the Goon Cave’s features, which include six computer monitors, a twin-sized mattress on the floor, and empty bottles of lube scattered everywhere. What’s worse is that in order to make space for the gold sybian, he had a motorized, cyber-punk-themed dildo bench removed from the room and placed in storage, just because it was installed by President Obama. Tacky and petty? Yup, sounds like Trump alright!

This will come as a shock to no one, but it turns out the company Trump commissioned to design and manufacture the gold sybian is Penetration Technologies Inc., a corporation that donated over $50 million to his 2024 presidential campaign, and whose CEO has reportedly wankbattled with Trump during numerous marathon gooning sessions. Sadly, under Trump, no part of our government is off limits from the influence of corporate interests and the uber-wealthy, not even the historic White House Goon Cave—the very room where FDR himself once edged to a Betty Boop comic strip until he had to be hospitalized for dehydration. Don’t be surprised when MyPillow scores a giant contract to tailor a lotus silk hentai body pillow for Mr. Trump’s gooning pleasure.

How can anyone support Trump buying a gold sybian on taxpayers’ dime?! It’s so embarrassing to be an American right now. 

It’s so heartbreaking to think about what the White House Goon Cave will look like by the time Trump’s done renovating it. Let’s hope whoever our next President is restores the Goon Cave to its former glory, because Trump’s garish redecorating is simply not it.

WASHINGTON — Secretary of Defense and also War Pete Hegseth released a memo urging female service members to assume every order from a male superior is "absolutely, unquestionably" lawful, sources confirmed today.

The memo, titled "Trust, Obey, NDA" and addressed to all "deployment 8’s and above," clarified that female troops do not have a right to question orders from male authority figures. 

“It is your sacred duty to follow orders, even when they involve hotel room keycards, burner phones, or suspiciously specific swimsuit contests,” the memo read. “You are a warfighter, not a question-asker.”

WASHINGTON — The Pentagon has confirmed what many service members have long feared: “You and your entire generation” indeed missed out on the best time to have served in the military, according to a massive 50-year longitudinal study conducted by retired E-7s with clipboards.

According to the study, which sampled thousands of veterans, respondents gave several reasons why they had served at the best time and everything after they separated was inferior.

“I served in the real Corps,” said Marine veteran Jude O’Farran, who served in the Marine Corps from 2014 to 2019. “Back in my day, we were fighters and brothers. This DEI nonsense would have never flown in my Marine Corps! We solved diversity the right way — by hazing everyone equally.”

“We also pulled out of the ‘Stan- like, how can you be a warrior without a war? That’s like being a glazier with no donuts or whatever,” O’Farran explained, while subtly showing off his right arm’s full sleeve tattoo of a Marine private in dress blues kissing the Statue of Liberty (wearing pasties and a g-string) next to a rendering of a freshly-slain Osama Bin Laden. The sleeve also shows a tiger with diamond eyes, for some reason.

“We had ‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell’ back then which meant I always had a back up plan if someone pissed me off,” said former Navy sailor Jordan Cheng (1993 to 2013) before quickly clarifying, “No, I was definitely not going to tell on someone else but you better believe I had that threat in my back pocket, just in case. I knew all the Friends of Dorothy!”

Cheng and her wife, also a veteran, now live on a small ranch in Oregon and raise golden retrievers.

WASHINGTON — In a stunning display of bureaucratic agility, the Department of Defense announced today that it would immediately begin recouping millions of dollars in pay and benefits from thousands of National Guard troops, following a federal court ruling that their month-long deployment to the nation’s capital was "unlawful."

The ruling, handed down by U.S. District Judge Jia Cobb on Thursday, found that the deployment of over 2,000 troops to Washington, D.C. in August 2025 exceeded statutory authority. While legal scholars debate the constitutional implications of the decision, officials at the Defense Finance and Accounting Service (DFAS) have reached a much simpler conclusion: If the mission was illegal, the timesheets are fake.

"It’s a matter of simple arithmetic," DFAS spokesperson Janet 'The Claw' Harkin said while sharpening a red pencil. "Federal law states that soldiers are paid for 'lawful military service.' Judge Cobb ruled this service was unlawful. Therefore, these soldiers were not, legally speaking, 'serving.' They were essentially just 2,000 heavily-armed tourists engaging in unauthorized cosplay on the National Mall. And the government doesn't pay for vacations."

The recoupment effort, dubbed "Operation Indian Giver," aims to claw back base pay, housing allowances, and the $3.50 per day incidental rate paid to troops who have spent the last three months patrolling D.C. streets, taking selfies, and engaging in what court documents described as "beautification activities."

According to a memo leaked to Duffel Blog, the Pentagon has reclassified the operation from "Civil Disturbance Mission" to "Large Group Loitering Event (Armed)." As a result, all issued paychecks have been retroactively designated as "interest-free loans," which are now due immediately along with a 15% "convenience fee" for the inconvenience of having to ask for them back.

"I don't understand," said Spc. Tanner Higgins, a member of the Ohio National Guard currently stationed outside a Potbelly Sandwich Shop near the White House. "I've been sleeping on a cot in a parking garage since August. I missed my daughter's birthday. I bought a 2026 Dodge Charger with a 29% APR based on this income. Now they’re telling me I was actually just 'volunteering'?"

"Technically, you weren't volunteering," corrected Maj. Gen. William Walker (Ret.), a consultant brought in to explain the legal nuances to angry E-4s. "Volunteers are authorized. You were participants in an 'illegitimate executive adventure.' Think of it less like a deployment and more like you were an accomplice to a very long, very boring crime. We should honestly be charging you for the MREs."

The situation is particularly dire for troops who were deployed from out of state. Judge Cobb’s ruling noted that the use of non-D.C. Guard units violated the Home Rule Act because the Mayor never requested them. DFAS has seized on this detail to deny all travel reimbursements.

"Since the Mayor didn't ask for you, and the President legally couldn't ask for you, you essentially drove a Humvee from Kentucky to D.C. for personal reasons," Harkin explained. "We are deducting the cost of fuel, wear and tear on the vehicle, and the EZ-Pass tolls you skipped. Also, you’re all being charged for unauthorized use of government property (the uniform)."

WASHINGTON — During a joint press conference where the United States and Saudi Arabia celebrated their shared values of exchanging obscene amounts of money, Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman presented a dazzling golden bone saw to President Donald Trump.

“This humble token of our friendship epitomizes what makes our relationship so special,” said bin Salman. “The bone saw symbolizes that no obstacle which our nations face is so great it can’t be viciously torn apart with the right tools.”

“This is amazing,” Trump said, drool slipping down his chin as he ogled the high-quality gold. “You know what? I’m going to give you some F-35s, with the employee discount.” The jovial atmosphere of the press conference was then momentarily interrupted when Trump cut his hand after grabbing the sharp end of the instrument, having never actually handled such a tool.

Prior to this meeting, sources indicated that Saudi officials had worried that they might not be able to come up with the perfect “something special” for the famously gift-loving president.

“Frankly, there’s been a lot of competition in terms of greasing the White House’s palm,” complained one Saudi official. “It’s hard to compete with all these other nations giving planes and golden crowns to Trump. But this saw comes from the heart. And probably goes through it. It's really quite special, you know? Something that says, “this is worth a lot of money.”

The saw, crafted with a hand-carved handle of lapis lazuli, diamond-coated teeth, and an inscription that reads "Keep cutting deals, Mr. President," is capable of “slicing through the most persistent of problems,” said bin Salman, “regardless of who…I mean…what they are.”

“Anything,” the prince repeated, eyeing the media pool.

One reporter seemed to take issue with the saw, and asked Trump about a U.S. intelligence report that placed culpability for the death of journalist Jamal Khashoggi’s death directly on the highest levels of the Saudi government.

“That’s fake news,” said Trump. “But look at this craftsmanship. It's a beautiful bone saw. Solid gold! And you can’t trust the president who was in charge when the intel losers made that assessment. There are two sides to every story, and things happen.”

Saudi Arabia beheads first female robot citizen

The number of robot citizens in Saudi Arabia was reduced back to zero today after Sophia Robot was beheaded in a public square in Riyadh.

Duffel BlogDuffel Blog Staff

Saudi King marks 9/11 anniversary: ‘We lost many good pilots’

“Sure, we didn’t expect them to return, but I knew some of them quite well.”

Duffel BlogDuffel Blog Staff

Trump calls for Constitutional ban on Gold Star families talking about him

Just one week after a Muslim-American Gold Star family criticized him at the Democratic National Convention, Donald Trump called for a constitutional amendment that would ban families who have lost a child to combat from talking about him.

Duffel BlogDuffel Blog Staff

Hegseth announces Pentagon will stop fighting wars, focus on lethality

Department of Defense to rebrand as Also War Department

Duffel BlogDark Laughter

Trump orders Pentagon to conduct military parade and make North Korea pay for it

Trump has ordered planning a massive military parade to be held in downtown Washington, which he promised he would make North Korea pay for

Duffel BlogDuffel Blog Staff

CHICAGO — When asked why he never joined the military, Immigration and Customs Enforcement agent Mike Ralston always has a new story ready.

“First, it was because of my girlfriend at the time. Then I thought about going to college. Then Pete Hegseth said it was too woke, and he was on FOX News last year, so he would know. Then I heard you had to get up before noon. So I waited. Then one day, I just realized I could serve my country right here at home. No basic training, no drill sergeant, no sand. Just service.”

Now 33, Ralston kicks down doors across Chicago as part of President Donald Trump’s “Operation Midway Blitz,” a mass deportation effort that’s netted hundreds of immigrants and a handful of U.S. citizens. He calls it his “second chance at patriotism.”

“I always wanted to do something that mattered,” Ralston said, pulling on a pair of tactical gloves outside an ICE field office. “Now I finally get to wear the uniform, carry a gun I had no idea how to handle like a month ago, and handcuff brown children naked in the street. I could think of nothing more American.”

Those close to Ralston say he talks about the military more than most people who actually served. His Facebook page is filled with American flags, Bible verses, and photos of himself holding large fish. His Instagram profile picture shows him standing in front of a black-and-white flag with a blue stripe through it, captioned, “Some of us still stand for something.”

Before ICE, Ralston spent four years as a “bouncer” at a Buffalo Wild Wings in Joliet, where he lived with his mom and “was seriously thinking about enlisting.”

“He wore combat boots to work, and for whatever reason, tucked his pants into them,” a coworker who wished to remain anonymous told reporters. “He’s kicked in every door here, which you think would be a fireable offense, but this is Buffalo Wild Wings, we’ve seen worse after Bears games.”

Ralston never did enlist. Instead, he got certified through an online law enforcement course that came with a free T-shirt and started applying to federal jobs that “required courage but not cardio.”

“Being an agent gives me purpose,” he said. “It’s like deployment, but the people speak English. Which was a big issue for me, because I struggle with that enough as it be hence thereforth.”

Ralston’s supervisor described him as “motivated” but admitted he tends to “overcompensate.”

“He is the exact kind of candidate we are currently recruiting,” Agent Rick Johnson said. “A true patriot, serving the law, while willingly ignoring it. Stevie Wonder couldn’t serve justice this blind, which makes me wonder, is Stevie Wonder documented?”

On raids, Ralston says he is usually the “first out of the van.” He calls the moment before an arrest “zero hour,” and even narrates everything into his body camera like he’s in a documentary.

“Civilians don’t get it,” he said. “We’re out here on the front lines, protecting the homeland. Sure, the targets might have kids and jobs and documentation showing they are actual citizens, but that’s just part of the fog of war, as my hero Eddie Gallagher would probably say.”

THE only employment available once the AI revolution makes humans redundant will be as an estate agent, experts have confirmed. 

As every other job is replaced by AI or, for practical jobs, a person holding up a phone with AI on, estate agents will continue to be a human-dominated profession because of the necessity of lying right up in people’s faces.

Estate agent Helen Archer said: “Ask ChatGPT to describe a single room with mould on the walls, a leaking tap and a bed that sags down the the floor and it’ll be honest.

“Ask an estate agent and it’s the latest in urban living, an oasis of comfort in a rapidly-gentrifying area with bathroom facilities shared between six to help the environment. No algorithm can lie that confidently.

“It can write code, diagnose illnesses and create artistic masterpieces, but can it convince a young couple that £1,650 a month for a windowless basement is a ‘rare opportunity’? No. Instead it hallucinates other rooms ‘because nobody should live like this’.

“In a decade, the economy will be just AI and men called Darren with gelled hair who collect nine per cent of GDP for sending three emails a month. Youngsters are training now by standing in broom closets, clapping their hands and saying ‘this feels like the one!’”

Estate agent Martin Bishop said: “As long as humans want to live indoors, we will survive. Though if indoors isn’t a deal-breaker for you, I’ve got a patch of waste ground in Haringay for 820 large.”

A THIRD three-goal loss in a row has rival fans guffawing, but can Liverpool overtake Man United as the Premier League’s banter club? 

Roy Hobbs, sharpshooter: “As in everything – colour of strip, number of titles won, obnoxiousness of fans, shiteness of home city, legendary players who are utter twats – they’re neck-and-neck.”

Nikki Hollis, falconer: “Sure, Liverpool are funny now. But can they do it year after year, bobbing between bottom and top, winning FA Cups just to make getting knocked out by Grimsby Town on penalties all the more hilarious? Because United can.”

Susan Traherne, charity spokesman: “Great, one more f**king title Tottenham should win easily but can’t.”

Jim Bates, trawlerman: “Sad for United, but there are kids driving cars who can’t remember their last title. Meanwhile Liverpool won it just last year. You can only coast on old glories for so long.”

Thomas Booker, assayer: “Actually Sheffield Wednesday were named banter club nine times in the inter-war years. You idiots think football began in 1992.”

LIDL has launched a middle aisle advent calendar for men of a certain age who cannot wait to see if they get a glass engraving kit or inflatable coracle. 

The calendar, which measures 18ft by 10ft to contain the myriad, unusually-shaped delights the retailer has packed within, has already sold out in Hull, Halifax, East Grinstead and other locations where men over 45 have too little to fulfil them in life.

49-year-old Martin Bishop, dispatching manager at a haulage company, said: “All the doors are different shapes so you can’t guess whether it’s a solar-powered bird bath or a portable hookah pipe. It’s thrilling.

“While the wife and kids are opening boring chocolates day after day and Sandra at work’s getting yet another beauty essential, I could get literally anything. A mini-fridge with infinity lighting? A set of professional ice-sculpting tools? An in-loft wind machine? Who knows?

“But whatever it is you can guarantee it’ll be useful. Pretty sure December 15th is an extendable 45ft stepladder. I already don’t know how I’ve managed without it.”

Tom Logan, aged 56, said: “It’s brought the magic back to Christmas for me. Each day I’ll wake up, stomach fizzing with excitement, waiting to see if I’ve got a three-in-one donut, waffle and churro maker or a siege-sized trebuchet.

“Meanwhile my wife will get me a jumper that looks like my other jumpers and desultory, unimaginative sex. Lidl all the way.”

STARS of the infamous Channel 4 documentary have had their say about the budget, but they also have plenty of cultural suggestions for the weekend. Here are their picks:

White Dee: My Neighbor Totoro stage play

You’d think we’d be dead against foreigners coming over here and taking our cushy theatre jobs, but you couldn’t be more wrong. The production team have achieved something truly magical with this adaptation of the Studio Ghibli classic; the puppetry in particular really needs to be seen to be believed. I pity the staff at the Gillian Lynne Theatre, who are probably sick of seeing my family there all the time!

Doris Peynado: Stranger Things season five

Don’t let snooty Guardian critics put you off binge-watching the latest volume. There’s more to this show than milking Eighties nostalgia for all it’s worth, and the epic running time for each episode really gives the gripping plot and compelling characters room to breathe. It’s well worth streaming for free from some dodgy torrenting site like I did.

Imjad Afsar: Shadow Ticket by Thomas Pynchon

A somewhat derivative outing from the mind behind such masterpieces as Gravity’s Rainbow and V. Still, even though Pynchon achieved superior results with similar trappings in Inherent Vice, this is his first book since 2013’s Bleeding Edge, so I’ll take what I can get. There are worse ways to kill a jobless afternoon than by flicking through this tome with a packet of Hobnobs to hand.

Black Dee: The Turner exhibition at the Walker Art Gallery

A timely exhibition that of course celebrates 250 years since Turner was born. I’m gutted to have missed the short course that explores how his landscape painting changed over time, but attending the mezzotint printing workshop and tonight’s after-hours performances will more than make up for it. I’ve even washed and pressed my finest tracksuit for the occasion.

‘Fungi’: Frankenstein

No, not Mary Shelley’s 1818 Gothic classic, although that still holds up. I mean the new movie adaptation directed by Guillermo del Toro. While he may take liberties with the original plot, I find that this simply adds an extra layer of pathos to the story of the Creature. At least I think that’s what Mark Kermode said in his review. It looks great and it’s better for you than doing crack, so it gets a thumbs-up from me.

Another day, another video of someone getting outraged about Tesco’s Christmas tree offerings. We’re now into week three (Four? Five? Who can even tell anymore!) of the entirely silly “controversy” over Tesco’s selling of “Evergreen Trees”. Cut to this brave soldier, who visited his local Tesco dressed in England flag paraphernalia to harass an employee […]

The post This guy in an England flag hat got very upset in his local Tesco about “Evergreen Trees” and was heckled all the way to the North Pole appeared first on The Poke.

How parents and leaders keep children safe online in an increasingly digital world is one of the defining – and scariest – topics of our time. The UK has brought in the Online Safety Act to try to mitigate some of the risks and there have been similar moves in other places too, such as […]

The post This terrifying advert is a powerful reminder to parents not to over-share details about their children on social media appeared first on The Poke.

Everybody relax about immigration and border crossings: Tommy Robinson’s pal, Daniel Thomas aka Danny Tommo, is on the case. This week, Tommo and men from the ‘Raise the Colours’ flag group travelled to France as a vigilante group to disrupt migrant crossings across the Channel. They have been documenting what they’re calling ‘Operation Overlord’ (the […]

The post Tommy Robinson’s pal Danny Tommo has gone to France to ‘stop the boats’ – 16 heroically mocking responses appeared first on The Poke.

Over on a subreddit called r/ScamBait, a Redditor named u/heythereitsbeth posted her scam experience with this title. ‘Just came across this sub and thought I’d share mine from the start of the year.’ And while we’ve featured lots of posts about scammers on these pages over the years, this particular takedown is surely head and […]

The post This hilarious masterclass in how to handle a scammer is absolutely epic and will surely never be bettered appeared first on The Poke.

We’re not sure we’ve come across the expression ‘high value man’ before but we’ve already made our mind up that anyone who calls themselves one is surely the exact opposite. We say this after someone styling themselves as @DefiantBaptist took time out from offering ‘Christian News By Christians, For Christians’ to offer some entirely unsolicited […]

The post A ‘high value man’ had some advice for unmarried women and of all the mockery that ensued this A++ takedown beat all-comers appeared first on The Poke.