The post Rams-Seahawks Game Preempted By ‘Everybody Hates Chris’ Rerun appeared first on The Onion.
PARIS—Clutching their chests in wonder at the newly unveiled work by an anonymous street artist, all 68 million members of the French populace were reportedly brought to tears Friday by a cartoon of a robot holding a flower. “Technology has made us into zombies, and yet here is a robot showing us the truth,” said 43-year-old Clémence Lefèvre, echoing the sentiment of the entire French populace, whose economy ground to a halt as millions of police officers, nannies, mimes, pastry chefs, priests, and rebellious beatniks alike abruptly stopped their affairs to march down the Champs-Élysées and raise their voices as one to thank the robot. “This work is, how do you say…transcendent. It expresses an emotion beyond love and despair, for it is a reflection of love and despair itself. It is subversive like the art of Marcel Duchamp, and yet universal, speaking to all who suffer from ennui and an addiction to their phone. This is better than any work in that bourgeois temple of uninspired slop, the Louvre. Mon Dieu, what have we done to Mother Earth?” At press time, an elderly farmer in a horse-drawn wagon was reported to have rolled up to the cartoon, wordlessly placed his hand on the robot’s heart, and collapsed into a peaceful death.
The post Entire French Populace Moved To Tears By Cartoon Of Robot Holding Flower appeared first on The Onion.
WASHINGTON—Checking to see if the prestigious award was real by placing the medal on the glass turntable and hitting the potato button, Eric Trump and Donald Trump Jr. reportedly microwaved the 2025 Nobel Peace Prize on Friday. “Look, look, I think it’s starting to melt!” said Don Jr., the eldest Trump boy, who pressed his face against the door of the appliance to watch the gold medal slowly rotate as his younger brother begged for his turn to watch. “Bye, bye Abraham Lincoln! We’re going to turn you into slime, and then the Hotel Prize in Appliance [sic] will be ours. Wait, what’s happening?” At press time, sources reported the sobbing Trump boys were telling their father they had no idea how the Nobel Prize got into the fiery microwave.
The post Trump Boys Put Nobel Peace Prize In Microwave appeared first on The Onion.
LOS ANGELES—Saying they wished she would just be honest with them, friends of multiplatinum recording artist Katy Perry expressed skepticism this week about her alleged powerful boyfriend who lives in Canada. “Katy keeps going on and on about this new guy, but every time one of us asks when we’ll get to meet him, she just says he’s a really important person in Canada,” said friend Emily Curry, who noted that she first became suspicious after she asked Perry to see a photo of her new beau and was shown a picture that looked suspiciously like it had been pulled from Google images. “I called her last week, and she tried telling me the connection was bad because she and her boyfriend were out on a yacht. Sure, Katy. I don’t know why she feels the need to lie. This is just like when she came back from vacation and told us she had been singing in outer space.” Curry added that the alleged Canadian boyfriend was almost as far-fetched as Perry’s so-called “movie star” ex, who supposedly lives in England.
The post Katy Perry’s Friends Skeptical Of Alleged Powerful Boyfriend Who Lives In Canada appeared first on The Onion.
Rapper A$AP Rocky has released Don’t Be Dumb, his first album in eight years. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the artist.
Genre: Brand collaboration
Famous Relatives: Rihanna’s kids
Biggest Career Risk: Nodding off during Smurfs premiere
Citations From Massachusetts Department Of Fish And Game: Three
Personal Style: Businessman who sprinted through a silk scarf store
Favorite Thing To Do On Phone: Press “1” to confirm Rihanna’s ob-gyn appointment
Recurring Nightmare: Looking down and realizing he showed up to the Met Gala completely naked
Review Of Sweden: Good food, weird locals, three stars
The post Artist Profile: A$AP Rocky appeared first on The Onion.
TAIPEI CITY — After spending over an hour-and-a-half climbing to the top of the Taipei 101 skyscraper, Alex Honnold was left kicking himself after realizing there was an elevator just inside.
Cinephiles, get excited, because the following story is going to have you rushing back to the theaters: A24 has released the director’s cut of Marty Supreme that includes the full 13-hour scene where Mr. Wonderful spanks Marty’s ass.
So much yes!
With box office success and several Oscar nominations to its name, it’s safe to say Marty Supreme is a massive hit. But as much as audiences are loving the film and its inspiring “Dream Big” message, fans have had one major critique: why was the scene where Mr. Wonderful (Mr. Wonderful) spanks Marty’s (Timothée Chalamet) ass so short? Director Josh Safdie clearly agrees.
According to a note written by Josh Safdie for A24’s Instagram, the director explained:
“As has always been my intention, Marty Supreme is the incredible story of a wiry, tiny guy who misbehaves until he gets a good spanking. In the script, the climactic scene in which Mr. Wonderful spanks Marty’s ass red and raw was written as a proper 13-hour spanking. Although we shot the scene in full, due to pressures from producers, financiers, and theater owners, I was forced to cut the scene down to an extremely brief two minutes. This was a heartbreaking loss of verisimilitude for the film, as spankings during the 1950s took much longer than what was depicted onscreen. Fortunately, this director’s cut restores my original vision, and you can see the film as it was meant to be seen: a 15-hour epic exploring the American Dream of getting spanked by a guy from reality TV.”
Incredible!
Marty Supreme: The Director’s Cut will be playing exclusively at Alamo Drafthouse, featuring the film’s restored tagline, “SPANK BIG.” Comment below if you’ll be checking it out this weekend!
Sesame Street is an all-time classic children’s show, but a recent episode has some people wondering if the program went too far: Did Sesame Street cross the line when Elmo performed his original comedic character “Theresa Poverty, The World’s Most Disenfranchised Woman” to teach kids that just because something’s really funny doesn’t mean it ‘s okay to laugh at?
Yikes. While it’s definitely important to teach kids about the nuances between comedy and ridicule, this seems like it might’ve pushed the boundaries a little too much.
The episode began harmlessly with a visit to a comedy club to see a show performed by some beloved Sesame Street characters, featuring a delightful an opening set by Grover that mused on how frustrating it is when you see that someone is typing a text to you but then they never send the message. But as Elmo entered the stage to the sound of Jay-Z’s “Hard Knock Life,” the episode took a surprisingly edgy turn. Elmo, wearing a long dark wig and tattered clothing, walked up to the mic and introduced himself in a confusing foreign accent as, “Theresa Poverty, the world’s most disenfranchised woman.”
Immediately, the audience of kids burst into laughter. By way of introduction, Elmo—or Theresa Poverty, rather—explained, “I’m a quarter Dominican, a quarter Sudanese, a quarter Afghan, a quarter autistic, and a hundred percent BROKE, BEE-YOTCH!” Elmo then started taking things out of a plastic Dollar General bag (a vessel he referred to as Theresa’s “Birkin”), identifying them as, “cigarettes bought with my food stamps,” “condoms bought with my food stamps,” and a messy, unwrapped taco that he described as “almost as messy as my own after I’m done working the corner!”
But as Elmo repeatedly chanted Theresa’s catchphrase, “Me no have money!” in a different albeit similarly confusing foreign accent to a rapturous crowd, the curtain behind Elmo opened, revealing three real-life women wearing tattered clothes similar to his comedic character’s. The audience fell into an immediate silence as Big Bird rose up from his seat and asked, “Was Theresa Poverty funny to you?” The crowd remained silent, unsure what to say. Big Bird then added, “Is Theresa Poverty still funny, knowing that three real Theresa Povertys were watching you cackle and sneer?”
As Big Bird explained, “You’re right that Theresa Poverty is very, very funny. But it’s the type of humor that you can’t laugh at publicly, because it plays on offensive, off-color tropes. So when you want to laugh at Theresa Poverty, you have to do it quietly in your head.”
The episode has sparked a spirited debate online, with criticisms calling the controversial episode “racist,” “classist,” and “a challenging piece of art that has good intentions yet fails upon premise, as Elmo’s character is simply too unfunny to prove the episode’s point.”
Seems fair enough to us! What do you think? Will you be showing this episode to your children? Sound off below!
While President Trump has always had his odd moments, the aging president’s behavior has been under even more scrutiny as rumors of dementia and Alzheimer’s treatments swirl. The latest troubling sign of his mental decline? Trump just mistook Marco Rubio for a urinal during a White House meeting.
Yikes. This is not a good sign.
During a gathering of business leaders in the White House earlier today, Trump abruptly lost his train of thought while in the middle of explaining that, “Gas is what our cars need to do their thing. No gas, they are dead in the street. Gotta have that gas…” He then stood up, wandered over to Marco Rubio, unzipped his suit pants, and began urinating on him. Marco struggled to keep a straight face as Trump covered him in urine while several of the executives present let out forced chuckles in an attempt to play it off as if they thought Mr. Trump was pissing all over Marco just to be funny.
After finishing his piss, Trump said, “That’s a nice one. Isn’t this a nice one?” while looking to the baffled CEOs in attendance for a response, then pressed down on Marco’s right ear in an attempt to flush him. When his first attempt to flush Marco yielded no result, Trump grew frustrated and pressed it several more times until Marco finally caved and made a flushing sound with his mouth. “Somebody’s gotta fix this!” Trump said to a portrait of George Washington that hung on the wall as more nervous chuckles emerged from the awkward scene.
Oof. This man is clearly experiencing some sort of major decline.
While it’s normal for the elderly to experience moments of confusion, this is the man with the nuclear codes. If he’s mistaking his Secretary of State for a urinal today, who knows what mistakes his aging brain could make tomorrow. While this time it just resulted in a urine-covered man, more serious consequences could be on the horizon. This is definitely something to keep an eye on!
Home Alone is one of the most beloved family comedies of all time, but would the 1990 classic have been the same film had the Wet Bandits taken care of Kevin right off the bat? Here are six ways Home Alone would have played out differently if the Wet Bandits had just immediately killed Kevin.
1. They wouldn’t have had to worry about traps nearly as much
One of the signature elements of Home Alone is the barrage of traps and improvised weapons that Kevin employs against the Wet Bandits as he fights them off. Had the intruders just immediately shot the young boy in the face, however, most if not all of those traps would never have existed. While killing Kevin right away would have removed some of the most fun scenes in the film, it would also have made it easier to watch for those who have a phobia of traps or simply don’t enjoy watching burglars get trapped in various ways.
2. They would have been able to rob the house much more quickly and move on to the next crime
While killing Kevin within 15 seconds of discovering him in the house (perhaps by strangulation or blunt trauma) would have removed him as the main character in the film, it would have had one pretty major benefit for the Wet Bandits: They would be able to quickly rob Kevin’s house of its valuables and move on to the next score. Honestly, with Kevin out of the way that early on in the film, viewers may have forgotten all about his murder by the time the movie ended. It could have been a completely different film!
3. A lot of the jokes would have had to come from them trying to dispose of Kevin’s body
In the version of Home Alone where the Wet Bandits don’t immediately kill Kevin, most of the film’s humorous antics come from Kevin cleverly thwarting the burglars’ robbery attempts. But if Kevin died right off the bat, the focus of the laughs would have to be moved to the Bandits’ attempts to to dissolve Kevin’s body in the bathtub with lye or dispose of it in a wood chipper. Under the expert direction of Chris Columbus this plotline could undoubtedly have been handled in a hilarious way, but it definitely would have given the film a different vibe.
4. Kevin’s parents would have felt a lot more guilty for leaving him at home alone
While in the version of the film we’re all familiar with Kevin’s parents feel terrible about leaving him home alone, it would have introduced a whole new level to their regret if they had come home after realizing their mistake to find Kevin’s decapitated body in their kitchen. The original edit juxtaposed scenes of the McCallister family frantically trying to get home with scenes of Kevin heroically fighting off the Wet Bandits, but the alternate version would instead juxtapose scenes of the McCallisters frantically trying to get home with shots of Kevin’s rotting corpse attracting flies. It’s really interesting to imagine how changing this one little detail could have changed the whole movie!
5. They might have had to kill Old Man Marley as well
In the real-life version of Home Alone, Kevin’s neighbor Old Man Marley is initially thought to be a creepy murderer, but he turns out to be a sweet lonely man who ends up saving Kevin from the Wet Bandits. In our alternate-reality version, he probably would have ended up being another corpse, perhaps stacked on top of Kevin’s body in the trunk of a stolen car that is later burned in the woods. It’s likely Kevin’s murder early in the film would change the story arc for more characters than just Kevin.
6. It would have been called something like Child’s Body or Kevin’s Death
With Kevin dead immediately following his introduction, there would have been no living character to be “Home Alone,” meaning the film would have had to be titled something completely different. Some possibilities would be Child’s Body, Kevin’s Death, Nothing To Get In The Way Of Their Crimes, or even, Home Dead. But Home Alone definitely wouldn’t make any sense. Pretty wild to think how this one minor change in the plot would have made a major difference!
Well, this is just about the most rotten luck fate could throw at a dedicated, veteran birdwatcher: This man has been birdwatching for 30 years but has only seen a chicken.
Good for him for not giving up on his beloved hobby…but dang. You have to feel for this guy.
When Roanoke, VA resident Ken Brindle, 66, first began birdwatching three decades ago, he thought he was off to a hot start after seeing a chicken the very same afternoon he bought a birdwatching journal. Devastatingly for Ken, his birdwatching career has not progressed whatsoever beyond logging that chicken, as he has not seen a single bird ever since, despite making birdwatching the basis of his entire personality and sinking thousands of dollars into high-end birding binoculars over the years. Whereas every other member of Ken’s local birding club has logged dozens, if not hundreds, of different bird species, the fact remains that while Ken has been birdwatching longer than all other members by a wide margin, his logbook is completely blank aside from the entry ‘Chicken, 1/10/1996’ on page one.
Ken has found himself on one of the worst, if not the worst, cold streaks in birding history. For 30 years, each and every time Ken thought he’d finally seen a second bird, it turned out to be a false alarm. Take his trip to Everglades National Park, one of the world’s best birdwatching locations, for example: After six hours of searching, Ken turned his binoculars on what he was initially convinced was a flamingo, but upon closer inspection turned out to be a waterlogged human corpse.
Gosh. It just doesn’t get more heartbreaking than that.
Fortunately for Ken, he just retired at the end of last year, meaning he now has more time than ever to dedicate to birding, and hopefully seeing at least one other bird than a chicken. He’ll even get to do so with his eight-year-old granddaughter Julia, who was recently inspired by her grandfather to take up birdwatching, and logged over 10 different kinds of birds just last weekend. When Julia related this news to her grandfather over the phone, Ken reportedly hung up without responding and locked himself in his room, where he remains as of this article’s publication.
What a tough break for a birder.
Our heart goes out to Ken. What should’ve been a wholesome hobby has so far resulted in half a lifetime of disappointment. Keep your fingers that Ken sees another chicken at the very least, otherwise he can chalk up the 30 years he’s devoted to birdwatching as a massive, soul-crushing failure.
DAVOS, Switzerland — President Donald Trump on Wednesday used his recently-acquired Nobel Peace Prize to bludgeon the prime minister of Denmark to death, sources confirmed today.
The killing occurred during a highly contentious meeting over the fate of Greenland between dozens of world leaders at the World Economic Forum in Davos, where the 79-year-old president reportedly lunged at Danish Prime Minister Mette Frederiksen and struck her repeatedly with a framed Peace Prize Trump had received earlier as a gift from Venezuelan opposition leader María Corina Machado.
“I’m getting Greenland, one way or the other,” Trump said while delivering sustained and methodical blows, bloodying the award typically granted “to the person who shall have done the most or the best work for fraternity between nations” over the past year. Indeed, Trump has worked tirelessly since his inauguration to bring much of the world together by uniting them in shared anger at the United States.
“I’m done thinking purely of peace,” Trump added, momentarily pausing to wipe blood from the frame with his tie and checking his reflection in the shattered glass before continuing.
The unprecedented murder of a world leader at the hands of another followed weeks of Trump threatening to use military force to take “complete and total control of Greenland.” According to White House sources, the president views ownership of the island as strategically essential, aesthetically pleasing, and extremely helpful in distracting from the Epstein files.
"See? I promised I wouldn't use military force," Trump said as he caught his breath. "Tell Rubio that I just stopped another war. Add it to the list."
In the immediate aftermath, Treasury Secretary Scott Bessent urged stunned European leaders to remain calm.
“Sit back, take a deep breath, do not retaliate, do not retaliate,” Bessent said, while aides quietly removed shards of glass and wood fragments from the floor.
W.E. Linde
Duffel Blog Staff
Grumpy
Kay Too Ess Ohhhhh
Duffel Blog Staff
FORT RILEY, Kan. — Fuck! You left your stupid I.D. card in your stupid computer. Experts confirm this will now cost you the rest of your day. You’ll have to walk all the way back upstairs to get the damned thing out of your office.
Oh great, there’s the XO. Don’t make eye contact. You made eye contact with him. He asks you about the Command and Staff brief and whether you have time to “just refactor” a few of the slides. You are now walking in the opposite direction of your I.D. card.
He wants the metrics displayed in a slightly different way that no one will notice, but which will almost certainly take several hours to change.
According to Outlook — which the Army forced you to install on your phone — this was the only 20 minutes you had to get lunch today, and it’s rapidly evaporating.
Not that you were terribly excited about getting a small Subway sandwich with grilled chicken. Height and weight is in a few weeks and you’re trying to drop the last few pounds because the Secretary of War has decided your personal BMI is a matter of national security.
Good gravy, now S-1 is asking you about overdue OERs. Can’t you just get a sandwich? Can’t you just get one sandwich without the United States Army falling apart?
You lie and say the OERs are “up at HQDA,” buying yourself a little time. A problem for later. You tell yourself that a lot.
The food court line won’t be that bad. You can still make it back before the training meeting. You’ll just have to drive a little faster than usual, which is fine, because consequences are theoretical.
Wait. Why is the water buffalo in the company lot? That water buffalo is supposed to be at Range 7. Why is it here? You ask Staff Sgt. Dylan Jones what’s going on.
“Sir, we never got this water buffalo certified,” he reports.
You remember, dimly, that water buffalos require certification. You ask what they’re doing for water at Range 7.
“We filled up some water cans that said non-potable on them,” Staff Sgt. Jones says. “So the Joes are good.”
Your eye starts to twitch. Staff Sgt. Jones, now apparently an expert in water buffalo certification, does not appear to know what “non-potable” means. You wish you hadn’t promised your wife you’d stop dipping. Also, it’s her birthday next week. Another problem for later.
You drive like a madman to the PX and grab cases of bottled water for Range 7. No personally owned vehicles on the range, so you’ll have to coordinate a JLTV or something. Your arms ache as you stand in line, questioning every decision you’ve ever made.
The cashier asks for your I.D. card before you can pay.
Fuck.
You left your I.D. card in your computer.
Duffel Blog Staff
Duffel Blog Staff
Red Friday
Duffel Blog
Roger Wilco
WASHINGTON — The Eisenhower School of National Security and Resource Strategy announced this week that it has launched a new course for senior leaders titled Strategic Gaslighting: Shaping Reality Through Passive-Aggressive Command Presence.
The program is spearheaded by retired Lt. Gen. Duane Gamble, who first introduced himself by appearing unannounced in the middle of a staff meeting about pending logistics failures, calmly walking to the front of the room, and declaring himself the department chair. No one recalls inviting him or even seeing him enter the building, but by the time the room stopped spinning, he had assigned mandatory reading and asserted the course had always existed.
“If you don’t remember it, that’s a reflection of your lack of commitment,” Gamble said. “And possibly your unresolved trauma.” Students nodded, including several who had only shown up for free parking before watching the Nationals lose another baseball game.
Described by organizers as a full-spectrum, cross-domain, multi-agency joint offensive against perception, the course teaches future general officers how to discredit subordinates, weaponize vague policies, and manipulate reality using little more than command presence and a perfectly timed calendar invite.
During one seminar, a naval officer stood up and said, “I want the truth!” Gamble leaned forward and replied, “Your job isn’t to know or tell the truth. It’s to absorb failure like a human sandbag made of misplaced trust and ROTC delusion.”
According to Gamble, strategic gaslighting dates back to the nation’s founding. “George Washington didn’t just cross the Delaware,” he said. “He convinced freezing soldiers that marching barefoot was character-building. That’s operational art.”
The first module, ‘Weaponizing Plausible Deniability,’ opens with students writing down three things they’re proud of before burning the papers and chanting, “I never said that.” The module concludes with a peer review exercise in which students gaslight one another into believing it’s 2016 and they’re still motivated.
PALM BEACH, Fla. – Sources say the decision to launch a daring predawn raid to capture Venezuelan President Nicolás Maduro was tied to something the Secretary of Defense holds near and dear to his heart: height and weight standards.
“I am fucking tired of looking out across the globe and seeing fat dictators and world leaders!” Hegseth reportedly screamed during a meeting with several general officers. “It’s unbecoming. It’s unprofessional. Do presidents and prime ministers even know what a comprehensive physical fitness plan is? This is why the world is so goddamned unstable — a lack of standards!”
At 6 feet, 2 inches, the 63-year-old Maduro recently tipped the scales at 220 pounds, according to classified intelligence reporting. While the Latin American strongman is not required to meet U.S. Army standards — which cap a 74-inch male over 40 at 214 pounds — the discrepancy had become a fixation for Hegseth.
“Two hundred and twenty fucking pounds!” Hegseth reportedly shouted after reviewing CIA pattern-of-life reports and updated biometric data. “That’s not leadership. That’s a profile.”
“I haven’t seen the secretary lose it like that since he saw a Sikh chaplain in uniform," said one Pentagon staffer. “Even after learning the chaplain was in regs, he just wandered off muttering, ‘Fucking Hajji beardos…’”
Shortly after the meeting, Hegseth requested an audience with President Donald Trump and urged the commander in chief to green-light Operation Absolute Resolve immediately. Witnesses say Hegseth was later observed watching the live drone feed during the January 3, 2026 raid, smirking and repeatedly whispering, “FAFO, you fat fuck. FAFO…”
According to senior defense officials, Hegseth’s push for world leader weight standards reportedly informed his support for the pardon of former Honduran president Juan Orlando Hernández after learning the convicted narco-trafficker had dropped significant weight and improved his run times while incarcerated. The secretary has also cited Osama bin Laden’s decade-long evasion of capture in multiple briefings as proof that “low body fat equals high survivability,” a phrase several officers confirmed now appears on at least one official PowerPoint slide.
Bad Lawyer
Duffel Blog Staff
Duffel Blog Staff
Duffel Blog Staff
Duffel Blog Staff
WASHINGTON — The Trump administration still hasn't released all of the Epstein files as required by law, and is instead exploring more kinetic ways to distract public attention from this uncomfortable fact, sources confirmed today.
“And we all know the best way to divert attention from domestic problems is to bomb people with funny-sounding names overseas,” said a senior White House official. “So we’ve put together a target list of countries with weak militaries, weird names — or both — that we can hit with our few remaining Tomahawks to make sure the Big Man’s name doesn’t pop up in compromising positions in the Epstein documents.”
Duffel Blog obtained the target list for Operation PEDO PALADIN, a contingency plan officials say has been sitting in a desk drawer labeled ‘Break Glass If Accountability Appears.’ According to sources, the president doesn’t particularly care which country gets hit first, largely because he can’t find any of them on a map anyway.
This box is already checked. Still, despite months of joint force buildup around Puerto Rico, only Delta Force and the 160th SOAR got first crack at Venezuela’s strategic reserve of big-booty Latinas. There may yet be opportunities for you to die in a war for oil protecting U.S. petroleum interests.
And to be clear, that “oil” refers to fossilized hydrocarbons — not the baby oil Epstein once recommended to Diddy as the smoothest glide he’d ever felt.
Sure, technically it belongs to Denmark. But aside from the dozens of Danish soldiers who died alongside U.S. troops in Afghanistan and Iraq, what have the Danes really done for us lately?
Stephen Miller (from that special category of American military-age males who nevertheless somehow Perpetually Evaded the GWOT, or PEG), Marco Rubio (PEG), Don Jr. (PEG), and Eric Trump (also PEG) all agree Greenland is critical to U.S. national security, and if you have to die for it, that’s a sacrifice they are fully prepared to let you make.
Be advised: Greenland, as part of Denmark, has access to the most formidable fixed and scatterable obstacles known to humankind — which, according to a redacted memo from Epstein to Trump, also double as excellent field-expedient butt plugs.
What, you think the Canucks can threaten to cut off America’s God-given right to watch porn and get away with it? Plus their refusal to pay exorbitant prices for shitty bourbon means Secretary of Defense and Also War “Whiskey” Pete Hegseth lost access to his favorite breakfast food. OPLAN Crimson’s about to get real for you beady-eyed, flapping-headed puck-munchers.
POTUS also needs to re-stock on Epstein’s recommended anal lube anyway.
Unable to load feed.
A COUPLE on a weekend in Spain are feigning interest in a boring old cathedral because it is too early to start drinking.
Nathan Muir and girlfriend Emma Bradford visited Segovia in Spain for a weekend of winter sun only to find it cold and raining, so visited the cathedral because Google suggested it, it was hard to miss and it would be dry inside.
Bradford said: “Apparently it’s one of the latest works of the Gothic style. I suppose the other must be Disintegration by The Cure.
“We bought tickets and shuffled around like everyone else, pretending to be amazed like they were at what’s basically a church like we’d drive past without a glance at home. There’s loads of stained glass. It shows religious stuff.
“Everyone else acted like it was the dog’s bollocks and I suppose we’ll do the same when we get back, because otherwise it’ll seem like we went away just to drink Cruzcampo and shag. I bet I’ll even end up recommending it.
“Still it was this or the gastronomic museum. F**king shit choice.”
Muir said: “Our flight’s not until half-five tomorrow, so we’re going to the Alcázar or some shit to do the whole fake admiration thing again. Next city break we’re having will be f**king Leeds.”
THE Oscars have been announced, and by law you are required to watch a film nominated for Best Picture. Which one are you grimacing your way through?
Tom Logan, brand storyteller: “Is this a trick question? Whichever is available for no extra cost on streaming services I currently subscribe to. Obviously.”
Donna Sheridan, fly-tipper: “Like most of the world I have not even the slightest interest in Formula One, so I can’t wait to see this film version.”
James Bates, optician: “I watch a Best Picture nominee then a Best Director nominee then a Best Actor nominee. So I’m watching One Battle After Another after One Battle After Another after One Battle After Another.”
Oliver O’Connor, internet reseller: “Marty Supreme for me. The story of a hypebeast who queues every Thursday for Supreme drops before selling them online has such resonance with my life.”
Norman Steele, charabanc refurbisher: “Train Dreams. Which I assume is the big-budget arthouse remake the lurid Lovecraftian nightmare of Chuggington so richly deserved.”
BURNS Night is this Sunday, and if you’re thinking that provides a solid excuse to get smashed in January you’re half Scottish already. This is how to do it:
Assign guests roles
It’s important to represent the full range of Scottish identity. Ask guests to embody the following stereotypes: Braveheart man, Simon Callow in Four Weddings, unintelligible Glaswegian in shellsuit, purse-lipped disapproving crofter, Calvin Harris and Begbie. Hair should be dyed vivid red.
Serve appropriate food
Scotland has a rich and varied cuisine of shortbread, Buckfast, tablet, Tennant’s Super, single-malt whiskey, grouse stuffed with lead shot and giant panda. All should be served with ‘the auld enemy’ as the Scots term Irn Bru because it is solely responsible for their low life expectancy.
Provide a Scottish soundtrack
Guests should be piped in. If you have no bagpipes due to being sane, a Henry vacuum cleaner packed with school recorders and set on blow will produce a similarly discordant wail. After which play Scottish music, beginning with the fey indie of Teenage Fanclub and working up, via Deacon Blue, Texas and Del Amitri, to the giddy heights of Runrig.
Read poetry
Poetry is central to Burns Night. Read selections from the work of William McGonagall, Irvine Welsh, Iain Rankin, Oor Wullie, any Doctor Who episode where Jamie is a companion, Alexander McCall Smith and the Culture novels of Iain M Banks. Ensure your Scottish accent is as broadly insulting as possible.
Perform in a cupboard
All Scots love the Edinburgh Festival, so recreate it by asking guests to put on their most monied English voice and perform a stand-up set, one-man play with full frontal nudity or Alan Ayckbourn farce in a cupboard, pantry or downstairs toilet to an audience of nobody. Reward each of them with three stars and debts of £18,000.
Get drunk and get burned
Finally, the climax of the evening: get your guests drunker than they have ever been in their lives to this point, or as they call it north of the border ‘Wednesday’. Get out the deep-fat fryer, decide which unlikely food each will be battering and hand-dipping into boiling oil, and administer the first-degree burns! Which is why it’s called that, what else would it be.
A MUM has admitted she would like The Traitors more if everyone was honest and got along.
Francesca Johnson, 47, thinks the format of the hit reality show could be improved by ensuring the contestants are completely transparent with each other so they can all enjoy an equal share of the prize money.
Johnson said: “It’s good to keep things fresh and exciting by changing the rules. And it couldn’t be any worse than that rubbish ‘secret traitor’ gimmick.
“The players would be told from the off that they’re all good eggs, then we’d get to watch them walk around that big lovely house for 12 episodes. The amazing decor is all I’m really watching it for at the minute anyway.
“We wouldn’t have to see them do scary tasks, or endure the tense roundtables where they stab each other in the back. If there has to be a moment of drama, maybe they have to catch a mouse that’s got into the kitchen.
“Claudia could stay on as presenter, I don’t mind. I think she really needs this gig after her Strictly work dried up, bless her.
“They can shitcan Uncloaked though. Anything that calls itself a ‘visual podcast’ belongs in the bin.”
Spoilers ahead! After 12 rollercoaster episodes, series 4 of The Traitors (UK) is done and dusted, with beautifully scheming Traitors Stephen Libby and Rachel Duffy walking away sharing the £95,750 prize. Nice work, if you can get it. BREAKING 🚨 Traitors Stephen and Rachel have WON The Traitors Series 4! pic.twitter.com/RK1QczOg7U — The Traitors HQ […]
The post The Traitors series finale had people laughing, crying and memeing like their lives depended on it – 38 killer reactions appeared first on The Poke.
The ICE presence in Minneapolis produced more horror this weekend, as a 37-year-old nurse named Alex Pretti was shot dead on the street. The 37-year-old American citizen killed by a Border Patrol agent was identified as Alex Pretti, according to the AFGE Professional Local 3669, which represents professional employees affiliated with the Minneapolis VA Health […]
The post Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez absolutely nailed the sense of fury and despair at Trump’s regime after ICE shot dead another US citizen in Minneapolis appeared first on The Poke.
Erika Kirk is a divisive figure in American culture right now. To supporters, she’s a semi-religious saviour carrying on her late husband’s mission. To detractors, she’s someone who seems to be enjoying the spotlight a tad too much. And now she’s inspiring drag artists to impersonate her, which is getting all the right (and all […]
The post This drag queen’s demonically good impression of Erika Kirk is outraging all the right (and all the alt-right) people appeared first on The Poke.
After days of outraged reactions to his claim that NATO troops – including UK soldiers – “stayed a little back, a little off the front lines” in conflicts like Afghanistan, Donald Trump has rowed back on his words. Kind of. On Saturday, the president issued this post on Truth Social, following a call with Keir […]
The post Donald Trump gave a half-hearted non-apology apology to UK soldiers after his NATO insult, but it’s too little too late for most people appeared first on The Poke.
Donald Trump has inspired countless imitations and parodies over the years, from Alec Baldwin to late drag artist The Vivienne and even Meryl Streep. But in terms of nailing the president’s mannerisms and speaking style, Scottish comedian and voiceover actor Lewis MacLeod has to be up there with the best of them. Clips of MacLeod’s […]
The post This Scottish comedian’s criminally good impression of Donald Trump might just be the most accurate impersonation you’ve ever seen appeared first on The Poke.
