Panicked Kylie Jenner Accidentally Washes $50 Million Fantasy Bra On Regular Cycle 

HIDDEN HILLS, CA—Muttering “Oh shit” as she realized her mistake, media personality Kylie Jenner was reportedly panicking Monday after accidentally washing the $50 million Victoria’s Secret Fantasy Bra on a regular cycle. “I was probably supposed to use the delicate setting, but now the lid’s locked, so what can I do?” said Jenner, who cursed herself for forgetting to read the care instructions on the tag of the four-pound, diamond-encrusted garment before tossing it into the machine with boyfriend Timothée Chalamet’s gym clothes. “Fuck, I should have at least put it in one of those little mesh bags. And hopefully the fabric softener doesn’t make it less sparkly. Diamonds are supposed to be indestructible, right? Isn’t that the whole point of diamonds? Eh, whatever. A bra’s for wearing under other stuff anyway.” At press time, sources confirmed that the bra came out intact, emboldening Jenner to stuff her 10-foot Victoria’s Secret angel wings into the washer next. The Onion.

Election Officials Warn That Ballots Tied To Stray Cat Unlikely To Arrive In Time

LANSING, MI—Urging the public to use the most reliable methods available to submit their vote, election officials across the country warned Monday that a ballot tied to stray cat would likely not arrive in time. “Unfortunately, finding a stray tabby under a car and gently tying your ballot to its tail with a ribbon almost certainly ensures your vote will miss the deadline for counting,” said Michigan Secretary of State Jocelyn Benson, adding that laying out a few treats in a trail and nudging the animal in the direction of the city clerk’s office would not accelerate the process. “Cats are notoriously distractible, and every minute wasted stalking a moth or snoozing on a patch of sunny pavement increases the risk that your voice will not be heard in this critical midterm election. If you are nowhere near a ballot drop box or even a standard mailbox and have no other alternative, at least select a stray that seems to be in good health and capable of evading coyotes, hawks, and other predators. It is unlikely those animals will assume possession of your ballot and carry it to its final destination.” Benson went on to say that voters with no access to any other method could simply tie their ballot to a balloon, which arrives by the deadline 98% of the time. The Onion.

Years Of Learning To Love Self Undone By Single Glimpse Of Body In Self-Checkout Camera

SAN DIEGO—The brief moment proving to be all that was necessary to completely eviscerate her self image, area woman Alena Reese reportedly had years of learning to love herself undone Monday by a single glimpse of her body in the self-checkout camera at Target. “Well, I guess that’s decades of attempting to maintain a positive view of myself up in smoke now that I’ve accidentally caught sight of my disgusting, sweaty frame on the screen there,” said Reese, who confirmed that the countless therapy sessions and lifetime of emotional growth that had allowed her to achieve a degree of self-acceptance were no match for the horrifying eyeful of her face and figure. “I was having a reasonably good day, feeling all right about where I was in the world, and then, bang! All gone. Look at that wretched troll. Has my nose always been so big? And my blotchy skin. Christ, is this really what I look like? Is this what other people see when they look at me? Oh God, it’s a wonder they don’t put me on display in some sort of freak show.” At press time, Reese had reportedly put back the ice cream and Doritos she had planned on purchasing in favor of a head of lettuce and teeth whitening strips. The Onion.

Career Experts Advise Job Applicants To Send Interviewer Follow-Up Blackmail 

NEW YORK—Stressing the importance of circling back to how much a prospective employer has to lose if they don’t follow instructions, a group of career experts issued a recommendation Monday advising job candidates to send their interviewer a follow-up blackmail. “Applicants often worry they’ll come across as overly assertive or annoying if they reach out to threaten a hiring manager more than once, but most employers we’ve spoken to appreciate a reminder that a candidate has a video of them in a compromising position,” said staffing coach William Blumington, confirming that applicants shouldn’t feel embarrassed to send a few lines about how much they enjoyed watching the employer in bed with someone other than their spouse. “A follow-up blackmail is a good place to establish that your interviewer is playing a very dangerous game if he thinks he can ignore you, and to gently highlight your ability to send photos of him doing drugs or partying with minors to all of the company’s board members. As long as you’re clear and forthright, a communiqué like this shows that you have initiative and that this job is important enough for you to make their lives a living hell.” Blumington added that if interviewees had not heard back from an employer after two weeks, they should assume he had killed himself out of shame and move on to better extortion prospects. The Onion.

Midterm Races To Watch In 2026

As the race for control of Congress heats up, politicians on both sides of the aisle are making their case to the American people. The Onion highlights the most pivotal contests to watch in the 2026 election cycle. Abdul El-Sayed vs. Mike Rogers (Senate, Michigan): Republicans find out how much juice is left in the ol’ 9/11 orange. 100 Starving Contestants (House, North Carolina): Only one person can win MrBeast’s newest game and become the freshman congressional rep for North Carolina’s 3rd Congressional District. Susan Collins vs. Graham Platner (Senate, Maine): Platner remains on the ballot for people who really haven’t been keeping up with the news. Cory Booker vs. Justin Murphy (Senate, New Jersey): Nothing too crazy, but it’s still nice to show Cory some love after his breakup with Rosario Dawson. Pramila Jayapal vs. No, I’m The Real Pramila Jayapal (House, Washington): The winner of this race will be whoever can answer questions that only the real Pramila Jayapal would know. Amy Acton vs. Vivek Ramaswamy (Governor, Ohio): Ramaswamy is betting it all with last-minute efforts targeting voters in the Psychopath Belt. Farley Burns vs. Amanda Garvey (Dungeon Master, Akron, OH): Both are excellent choices, but only one can lead this homebrew D&D campaign to legendary success. Angie Nixon vs. Ashley Moody (Senate, Florida): A high-stakes race to determine which politician gets the hell out of Florida. James Talarico vs. Jeffrey Epstein (Senator, Texas): Polls show Talarico narrowly ahead of the reemergent sex trafficker. Sam Edwards vs. Betsy Sinclair (City Council Representative, Your City): This race for your local city council seat will have by far the greatest impact on you, making it a little strange how much more you know about a Senate race happening 12 states away. The Onion.

Riots Fizzle Out As French Refuse To Protest More Than 32 Hours Per Week

PARIS — Fiery riots across the country ended suddenly on Saturday when participants refused to protest more than 32 hours in a given week.

Experts Say Midterm Polls Only Bad For Republicans If You Look At Them

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Republican strategists reassured voters this week that polls for the upcoming midterm elections only appear bad for the GOP if you look at them.

VidAngel Announces 'The Goshfather'

LEHI, UT — Content-filtering streaming service VidAngel announced a new, cleaner edit of The Godfather called The Goshfather.

Pharaoh Relents After Moses Unleashes Plague Of Political Fundraising Texts

PI-RAMESSES — Mighty Pharaoh (may he live forever) has reportedly released the Hebrews from their bondage after the land was afflicted by a plague of political fundraising texts.

Cowboys Fans Concerned Another Loss Could Make It Difficult For Team To Choke In Playoffs

ARLINGTON, TX — Cowboys fans expressed growing concern this week that another regular-season loss could jeopardize the team's opportunity to suffer a humiliating collapse in the first round of the playoffs.

Abuse Of Power: An Investigation Found That Zohran Mamdani Has Been Quietly Using NYC Street Sweepers To Clean His Personal Home

NYC Mayor Zohran Mamdani’s socialist views may be polarizing, but not even his biggest critics can point to corruption as a concern about his first term in office—at least, not yet. Unfortunately, a new scandal threatens to derail all the goodwill he’s accumulated so far: An investigation has found that Mayor Mamdani has been quietly using NYC street sweepers to clean his personal home. What a horrible look for Mayor Mamdani. The bar for politicians was in hell, and it just got a little lower. Ugh. According to a New York Post investigation published today, Mayor Zohran Mamdani allegedly made backdoor deals with the Department Of Sanitation to have city-owned street sweepers clean his personal residence at Gracie Mansion. The report found that soon after taking office in January 2026, Mamdani privately redirected weekly street sweeper routes to collect litter from his bedroom, living room, kitchen, and bathrooms – personal spaces where the mayor is not subject to the same alternate side parking rules and enforcement that New Yorkers are on all other public street cleaning routes. Sources say say the mayor’s first course of action upon moving into Gracie Mansion was to construct a “private, street sweeper-sized entrance” on the back of the home, and “renovate all staircases into street sweeper-accommodating ramps” that would allow the street cleaning vehicles to sweep the entire house and return to the street with discretion.  When asked for comment, Mayor Mamdani agreed to a phone call with New York Post reporters after returning home from City Hall for the night, but his response to the allegations was “completely inaudible over the deafening clamor of street sweepers.”  Just unbelievably disappointing. Turns out Zohran Mamdani is no less crooked than Eric Adams.  It’s no wonder Mamdani gets along with President Trump so well, since they both can’t help but abuse the power Americans entrusted to them. We truly never fathomed that Mayor Mamdani would stoop to using a taxpayer-funded street sweeper for personal cleaning purposes, but here we are. Sigh. New York deserves so much better.

Bold New Angle: Patagonia Is Advertising Their New Line Of Raincoats By Saying They ‘Repel 100 Percent Of Cumshots’

Though the outerwear brand Patagonia is known for its eco-friendly messaging, it seems like they’re ready to shake things up, because they’re now advertising their new line of raincoats by saying they repel 100 percent of cumshots. Goodbye greenwashing… hello cumwashing! Hitting stores this week, the Patagonia Ultralight Cumshell Jacket builds upon the brand’s three-layer rain shell base by adding a cum-repellent latex panel designed to keep the wearer safe during jizz-heavy activities. With an adjustable hood that even includes a roll-down visor, wearers can feel great knowing that they’ll truly stay dry no matter how many people (or animals!) are cumming on them all day. Well, this is definitely a bold way to market a rain coat! While it remains unclear whether or not the brand thinks this is a sex jacket or just an outdoorsy clothing item that happen to be more cum-focused, you have to think a jacket like this will find its audience on its own. As of publication, this is the only cum-preventative jacket on the market.  Your move, The North Face!

Remaining Defiant: Jerry Seinfeld Has Announced That In Response To Criticism Of His Support For Israel, He Will Be Dating Another 17-Year-Old

A recent incident where Jerry Seinfeld responded to hecklers accusing him of supporting genocide by saying, “I am a racist, it’s a genocide, I’m into it,” showed that the comedian isn’t ashamed to defend his pro-Israel stance. But now the beloved comedian is proving more than ever that he’s not backing down: Jerry Seinfeld has announced that in response to criticism of his support for Israel, he will be dating another 17-year-old.  Damn! Looks like Israel got a new attack dog, and his name is Jerry Seinfeld.  During an interview on SiriusXM’s ‘We Got Company,’ Seinfeld doubled down on his defense of Israel, stating, “They say I can’t support Israel. They heckle my performances. They slander me online. But I won’t apologize. In fact, thanks to the constant harassment these people put me through, I will be dating another 17-year-old.” “I’ve had enough! I thought about doing ‘Unfrosted 2’ to get back at these jerks, but I wanted to go even further,” he continued. “So I will be prowling parks near high schools in search of a new underage girlfriend. I don’t care what my haters think. I don’t care what my wife thinks. And I don’t care what the 17-year-old thinks. We’re going to be in love, and she is going to be 17 and very busty for her age. You thought the age gap was bad when I was 39? Just wait until I have a 17-year-old girlfriend NOW. I’m going to be proud as ever to support Israel and have a 17-year-old girlfriend. Because calling me a racist comes with consequences. And those consequences are 17 years old.” Whoa! No matter where you stand on the Israel issue/72-year-olds dating children, you’ve gotta admire Seinfeld’s conviction here.  Looks like when you mess with Jerry, you get the horns. If you’re an anti-Israel activist, you may want to think twice before the next time you heckle Seinfeld.

An Interesting Detail About Her Past: Mom Just Casually Revealed She Had 18 Kids With Another Man Before She Married Dad

Mom has always been honest and open about her past, which is why the detail she just dropped is so interesting:  Mom just casually revealed she had 18 kids with another man before she married Dad.  Whoa! It’s almost like she had an entirely different life before her and Dad got together.  Last night, upon seeing a mother pushing triplets around in a stroller, Mom, without much fanfare at all, let it slip that she’d had triplets not once, but twice prior to starting her relationship with Dad. That led to her saying, “Yeah, I had…” stopping to do the math in her head, and then finishing, “Eighteen kids with the guy I was with before I met your father.”  Surprised that we were treating it like it was a big deal, Mom continued, “Oh, I thought I told you about that,” then, in response to being asked, “Where are your 18 kids now?” she just shrugged and said, “Who knows. I haven’t thought about them in a while.”  After briefly changing the subject to how she was excited for Christmas this year, the 18 previously unknown children were brought up again, at which point she nonchalantly disclosed that she had been the subject of a reality show called, “Eighteen’s Enough,” which ran for six seasons on the E! network and that two of the kids were named, “Jason” because she ran out of names she liked.  Dang! It’s easy to just see your parents as being just your parents their entire lives, so it’s hard to imagine that at one time they were the parent of 18 other kids you’ve never met. This really makes Mom seem like a whole new person!

Heartbreaking: There’s Not A Single Outfit This Man Can Pull Off

Better get out the heart glue, because this is going to break your heart: There’s not a single outfit this man can pull off.  Oof. Some men are just trying too hard to pull off a look that doesn’t work for them, but this one…this one can’t pull off any of them. Forty-two-year-old Subaru salesman Lyonel Brinks has tried the concert t-shirt and ripped jeans look.  He’s tried the buttoned-up casual polo shirt and khakis look.  He’s tried a leather jacket.  He’s tried a sports jersey and sweatpants.  But every single last outfit, whether it’s something simple and timeless or something bold and cutting edge, leaves him looking like a child wearing an unidentifiable Halloween costume.  Tailored, oversized, vintage-inspired, hat, no-hat, no matter what, Lionel looks like he’s trying too hard, uncomfortable, and somehow “kidding” with what he wears, as if it’s meant to me a joke. Even when he’s just wearing a pair of jeans from J.Crew and a white oxford shirt.  Dressed up, he looks like a schlubby guy who’s overdressed for dinner at Olive Garden. Dressed down, he looks like he just rolled out of bed to take a leak at 3 a.m. Clothes that fit him perfectly only serve to accentuate his odd proportions and weird neck angle, and clothes that fit him relaxed immediately make him look 70 pounds heavier.  Honestly, the look he came closest to pulling off was when he dressed up in a steampunk outfit to go to a local gaming convention, and that was only because no guys can really pull off a steampunk look so he just didn’t look any worse than the guys who can sort of pull it off.  There’s simply nothing Lionel can wear that doesn’t make everyone who looks at him feel sort of sorry for him. To make matters worse, Lionel just booked his first tattoo appointment, and no matter what he gets, and no matter where it goes, you know that this is only going to serve to make him look even less like he’s pulling off whatever he’s wearing.  All hearts break for Lionel. This is so, so sad.

Hasan execution venue double-booked with Comic-Con

FORT HOOD, Texas — Army officials preparing for the December execution of convicted Fort Hood shooter Nidal Hasan have discovered that the venue was also booked for a local comic book convention, raising concerns that the military's first execution in 65 years may have to share space with several hundred costumed enthusiasts.The scheduling conflict emerged during an advance site survey, when soldiers found the Lone Star Conference Center already reserved for a Comic-Con-style convention featuring celebrity autographs, collectible merchandise and a competitive cosplay contest."We've got a serious problem," said one installation official. "Both events have paid their deposits, and neither one wants to move."Junior soldiers assigned to support the execution initially expressed little enthusiasm for the mission."Watching some old guy get shot for something that happened before I was born? Pretty cringe," said one private. "But watching it happen surrounded by stormtroopers and Spider-Man? That's actually kind of sick."Others remained critical of the venue."It's a horrible thing what he did, but this is Fort Hood," said one soldier dressed as Howard the Duck. "Between first sergeants murdering their wives, barracks gangs, and bodies turning up behind range control, do we really need to kill another person here on purpose? Can't we move this somewhere nicer, like Lackland?"Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth reportedly rejected proposals to relocate the execution, saying the Army had already invested considerable resources in planning the event."We've got security, transportation, rehearsals, a seating chart and a commemorative challenge coin," Hegseth said. "We're not throwing that away because a bunch of nerds want to dress like fictional soldiers."The convention organizers were equally unwilling to compromise.

Trump announces sale of Patriot missiles to Russia

WASHINGTON — President Donald Trump announced this week that he had secured a "blockbuster deal" to sell Patriot missile systems to Russia, calling the agreement a historic victory for American manufacturing and international peace."This is a great day for America and for Russia," Trump said. "We're selling them beautiful American missiles. The best missiles. And they're going to use them to defend themselves against Ukraine, which, frankly, has been attacking Russia for a very long time."The deal comes amid ongoing negotiations to sell stealth fighter jets to China and follows a separate agreement to provide North Korea with artillery targeting information on South Korean positions.RTX officials praised the agreement, noting that selling missile-defense systems to both sides of an armed conflict could establish a sustainable long-term business model."Historically, we've had to depend on one side running out of weapons," one company executive said. "Now we can sell one country missiles, sell the other country interceptors, and repeat indefinitely."A White House fact sheet explained that existing restrictions would be waived to permit billions of dollars in American-made air-defense weapons to be sold to Moscow.Deliveries will be expedited ahead of previously scheduled shipments to NATO allies, including Poland, whose military has complained about delays in receiving Patriot interceptors."Poland already has Patriots," Trump said. "Very greedy people. Russia doesn't have any American Patriots. Very unfair."Pentagon officials confirmed that Ukrainian requests for additional Patriot interceptors would be reviewed after Russia's deliveries were completed. Officials also said Ukraine would be charged an additional 35% tariff on any American weapons used to destroy American weapons recently sold to Russia."These are defensive weapons," one official explained. "If Ukraine stops attacking Russia, Russia won't need as many of them. It's a pretty straightforward path to peace."Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskyy expressed confusion over the arrangement, asking why American weapons intended to defend Ukraine were instead being sold to the country invading it.Trump dismissed the complaint."Zelenskyy is always asking for missiles. Never says thank you. Very bad for Ukraine," Trump said. "Putin is actually buying them. You tell me who's the better customer."At a joint press conference, Russian President Vladimir Putin thanked Trump for recognizing Russia's legitimate security concerns."These systems will help protect Russian territory from continued Ukrainian aggression," Putin said.Asked whether that included Ukrainian territory currently occupied by Russian forces, Putin said the missiles would defend "all Russian territory, including territory that is not Russian yet."

Hegseth consults God via dumpster fire behind Pentagon

PENTAGON — Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth announced this week that God had spoken directly to him through what he referred to as “a burning repository of divine origin.”The repository was later revealed to be a four-cubic-yard, 2,000-pound Wastequip dumpster located behind the Pentagon, with Hegseth explaining, “The Lord works in mysterious ways.”“The Holy Trinity told me I had to work harder to keep my promises,” Hegseth said. “I don’t see this as a warning from the Lord. No, really, it’s vindication that I’m on a holy path.”During a two-hour press conference, Hegseth explained his understanding of his promise to the Almighty. He believed God wanted him to focus on restoring America as a Christian nation, destroying God’s enemies with righteous divine justice, and remove shrimp, lobster, and crab from all dining facilities.“With God on our side, we now know there’s no negotiating with Iran, Cuba and, maybe, even though we announced a deal, Greenland again,” Hegseth said.Moments later, he pulled out a Bible and read a verse.“2 Chronicles 32:7: ‘Be strong and courageous, be not afraid nor dismayed …’” Hegseth said.He paused and smelled his suit.“‘And when thy Lord appears unto thee as a four-yard commercial dumpster, breatheth shallowly through thy mouth, weareth a mask with appropriate particulate filtration and always stay upwind.’”

US to livestream execution of Ukraine

WASHINGTON — The Trump administration said it would livestream the execution of Ukraine, replacing a planned broadcast of convicted Fort Hood shooter Nidal Hasan's death with what officials are calling the largest pay-per-view event in American military history.Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth said the decision came after President Donald Trump canceled plans to televise Hasan’s execution following widespread criticism that broadcasting a man’s death would be barbaric.“We heard the concerns of the American people,” Hegseth said. “Some people were uncomfortable watching a defenseless man get shot. So we’re going to show them 40 million defenseless people getting shot instead.”The broadcast, tentatively titled UKRAINE: THE FINAL BETRAYAL, will feature live satellite feeds, commentary from administration officials, and a halftime performance by Kid Rock.“Nobody does executions like us,” Trump told reporters. “Nobody. We’re talking about an entire country. Beautiful country. Very big. And we’re going to do it live. The ratings will be unbelievable.”Trump said the event would begin with a ceremonial lifting of sanctions on Russia, followed by a military demonstration in which Elon Musk personally toggles Ukraine’s Starlink service on and off while Russian drones approach their targets.“Elon has a button. Very powerful button," Trump said. "He can turn the internet off for an entire army. And the best part is, we don’t even have to fire a shot.”Musk confirmed he would participate, saying Ukraine should be grateful he allowed it to have internet in the first place.

Iran condemns US plan to livestream execution as barbaric

TEHRAN, Iran — Iranian officials condemned the Pentagon's proposal to livestream the execution of convicted Fort Hood shooter Nidal Hasan, calling the plan a grotesque display of state violence that no civilized government should tolerate."Absolutely barbaric," said Islamic Revolutionary Guard Corps spokesman Ebrahim Zolfaghari. "What kind of country turns an execution into a public spectacle? Have these people no shame?"Zolfaghari made the remarks following Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth's announcement that Hasan, convicted of killing 13 people at Fort Hood in 2009, would be executed by firing squad in a ceremony broadcast to the public."We once executed a man's horse," Zolfaghari said. "Even we knew not to livestream it."In an official statement, the Iranian government questioned whether the United States had abandoned the basic principles of dignity and restraint that distinguish civilized societies from authoritarian regimes."Public executions are intended to be solemn affairs conducted with the utmost professionalism," the statement read. "Transforming them into entertainment diminishes the dignity of the state, the condemned, and the terrified citizens compelled to attend."Iranian officials were particularly disturbed that Americans could watch the execution from the comfort of their own homes."An execution is not a television program," Zolfaghari said. "It is an important government function, traditionally attended by thousands of unwilling spectators."The statement urged American leaders to consider the moral implications of normalizing public brutality."Once a government begins displaying executions for political purposes, where does it end?" Zolfaghari asked. "Soon your citizens become accustomed to watching people die. And then what? You start hanging dissidents from cranes?"He shook his head."That's a very dangerous path."Iranian state television devoted extensive coverage to the controversy, interrupting its regularly scheduled programming of public confessions, fingernail-pulling competitions, and revolutionary tribunals to condemn the American proposal.One Tehran resident expressed particular concern about the example the United States was setting for younger generations."Children should not grow up believing it is normal for their government to execute people in public," she said. "There is a time and place for such things, and that place is normally the town square after Friday prayers."President Donald Trump defended the original proposal, arguing that the United States should not allow foreign governments to dictate how Americans conduct their executions."We have tremendous executions," Trump said. "Very professional. Iran thinks they're better than us. They're not."Hegseth reportedly began reviewing proposals for additional military executions to be conducted before live audiences, though Pentagon officials emphasized that any future broadcasts would comply with applicable regulations and YouTube's community guidelines.The controversy took an unexpected turn Thursday, when Trump announced that Hasan's execution would no longer be livestreamed following criticism from lawmakers, religious leaders, and the public.Iran welcomed the reversal as an encouraging sign that American leaders were finally listening to the international community."We are pleased that the United States has reconsidered this disgraceful proposal," Zolfaghari said. "Perhaps someday America will develop the same respect for human rights that we have."At press time, Iranian authorities had arrested three citizens for laughing at the statement.Tony is disgusted at the state of things in general, your face, quite possibly your Mom and can’t believe he had to write this.

How to pull a female police officer at 2am, by a pissed chancer

MEETING the police is usually to be avoided, but men often feel differently when the club shuts and they’re female. Here are some ways to impress while shitfaced. Focus exclusively on the prettiest one  Sober, you might be more realistic about your chances with a hottie and not blatantly ignore their less-attractive friend. Not after 11 pints. Luckily police officers are professionals and annoyingly hitting on someone way out of your league and blanking their plain friend will in no way affect the chances of them nicking you for drunk and disorderly, which is going to happen anyway if you don’t piss off home. Look your best  Start by wiping the kebab juice and garlic sauce off your face; this is a suave look favoured by the likes of George Clooney. Next, tuck your shirt in, unless you’re using it to hide beer, vomit or piss stains on your jeans. The super-casual look is fine at 2am. Lastly, run your fingers through your hair – kebab grease is a surprisingly effective styling gel. Don’t worry about leaving the odd bit of shredded cabbage in there, she’ll probably want to nibble it in a sexy food game later. Take an interest in her job  Too many guys just talk about themselves on a date, which is what this is, after a fashion, and police officers just love naive members of the public asking them about their job. Ask: ‘Can you get Talksport on your radio?’, ‘Have you got a gun and have you shot many criminals?’, ‘Do you get bribes from crime lords to expose undercover officers?’ Such queries will reassure her you’re an attentive, intelligent person she could date in the long-term. Don’t forget a sense of humour  Women say a sense of humour is vital and her job is a rich source of jokes. Try the classic ‘I’m in possession of swollen goods’ and of course ‘You can give me a body search any time, love’. She definitely won’t have heard these brilliant gags before, and ironically you WILL be getting a body search when they finally lose patience and arrest you for obstructing a police officer. Unfortunately the search will be by a male colleague, who’s clearly just cock-blocking you. You’ll be taking that up with the Independent Police Complaints Commission. Gently move the conversation onto sex She seems pretty interested, although that may just be because there aren’t any fights kicking off right now. So saucily ask her what she uses her baton for in her spare time – another risque gem she won’t have heard before. And does she keep the bodycam on in bed? You’re actually quite a smoothie for managing to plant the idea of sex in her head while your mate Paul is puking up in a bin next to you.  Go back to her place Things are going so well she can barely keep her hands off you and is practically bundling you into her van to get you home. So not only have you pulled, you’ve saved on an Uber fare. Does life get any better than this? Sure, you’ve been locked in the cage with a guy who’s pissed himself and now you’ve stopped outside the custody suite, but she probably just needs to drop her pepper spray off. Remember to hang onto the handcuffs, love.

‘Not the World Cup though is it?’ Kane told

FOOTBALL fans have congratulated Harry Kane on his Ballon d’Or win while reminding him it is a very poor substitute for the World Cup. England supporters are happy that Kane has become the national team’s first player to scoop the Ballon d’Or award since 2001, but are keen to point out that bringing home the Jules Rimet trophy would have been even better. Fan Wayne Hayes said: “Beating Mbappe and Yamal to the top spot is pretty impressive, I guess. Doesn’t have the same ring to it as ending 60 years of hurt though. “Don’t get me wrong, 73 goals across 65 matches is good going. I certainly couldn’t do it. All I’m saying is, would it have killed you to slot away a couple more against Argentina back in July? “Yes, your place in the annals of footballing is assured. Well done. But only sports nerds have heard of the balloon door award or whatever it’s called. We don’t get an extra bank holiday for it so most people don’t care. “Anyway, congrats on being recognised as a consistently sensational player, winning the German Cup for Bayern, and picking up your second Golden Shoe. Always room for improvement though, eh?” Kane said: “I’m disappointed in myself too. The award will be going straight in the bin when I get home.”

Man curious what blowjob from man would be like

A HETEROSEXUAL man has yet again found himself wondering if oral sex performed by another man would be different and possibly better.  Ryan Whittaker, 30, is exclusively attracted to women, but suspects that a willingness to step outside his comfort zone could unlock a level of customer satisfaction previously unavailable to him. He said: “I don’t fancy men, I just think, objectively, another bloke might know what he’s doing down there.  “He’d know what feels good and would maybe approach it more logically than a woman, no offence. He’d probably have more of an understanding of the equipment, if you follow me. Like asking a mechanic to look under the bonnet, rather than someone who’s only ever driven the car.  “I’d google it but don’t want that browser history. And it’s hardly something you can ask the lads down the pub about without the night taking a strange turn.  “It’s not like I want to date the guy afterwards. Maybe a pint. And a manly discussion of football. Although a blowie followed by no cuddling and a beer sounds amazing.” Whittaker added: “Just to reiterate, it wouldn’t be gay, more of a peer review exercise. But men have bigger mouths and tongues than women, so would that be better or worse? Okay, I’m a bit hard now.”

Seven good reasons we need to stop making sportspeople knights

PRINCE William has said he enjoyed knighting rugby star Kevin Sinfield, but should we really keep pretending sportspersons are historical horse warriors? Here’s why not. Lack of sword skills You can pretty much guarantee Sir Kevin Sinfield is totally unskilled with a longsword. If he fell through a hole in the space-time continuum to 1415 and the Battle of Agincourt, any French knight would reduce him to a pile of severed limbs within seconds. Prince William knighting him was frankly just irresponsible. It’s just weird with regular blokes Does Sir Bradley Wiggins in any way look like a knight? No. Would he fit in in a medieval court? Again, no. While he may be noted for his Mod style in our time, he would just look strange and stand zero chance of romancing a princess or other fair maiden, and trying to impress her by playing Going Underground on his phone would get him burned for witchcraft.  Dragons Real or not, dragons are integral to the idea of knights, and our sportspeople would stand little chance against a seven-tonne dragon (weight estimate based on Skyrim). Sir Ian Botham being agonisingly burnt to death would be horrific, although somewhat ironic for a Brexiter. Women can’t be knights It’s wrong that female athletes have to be dames instead of knights, since they’re quite strong and have considerable stamina, so they’d probably be better at wielding a sword or a flail than most men. The combat skills issue remains though – infantry with poleaxes designed to penetrate plate armour would make short work of Kelly Holmes. You can’t rely on them to kill people  Medieval combat was brutal, often by necessity, and it’s unlikely our pampered sportspersons have the personal mettle to hack dozens of people to death. Sir Alex Ferguson may have been a tough manager, but would he have massacred the entire population of a walled city that had refused to surrender when given the chance? Possibly yes. He’s a bad example. But you definitely can’t imagine Mo Farah doing it. They make a mockery of the chivalric code The chivalric code is based on a knight’s duties to country, God and women. Sir David Beckham spends all his time in Florida, prefers advertising watches for money to going on crusades, and sullied the honour of Posh Spice by shagging Rebecca Loos. He’s such a piss-poor knight it’s hard to believe he’d even be able to get a lance on target. They’re even shit compared to fictional knights  Modern sports-knights lack both the lethality and charisma of fictional knights like Ser Jaime Lannister. It’s unlikely there’d be many brilliantly acerbic exchanges between Cersei and Sir Bill Beaumont, if A Question of Sport was anything to go by. And Star Wars would probably not be the milestone in film history it is if Obi-Wan had famously intoned: ‘Use the Force, Andy Murray.’

Everyone strangely pleased Americans angry about gas prices but not all the other shit

Reform announced plans to bring back imperial measurements, and inched a little further towards political oblivion

For some reason, Brexiters have always been obsessed with imperial measurements. Who could forget this banger of a suggestion from that fount of all human knowledge, John Redwood. Why not repeal the ban on selling in pounds and ounces? Let People decide how to buy and sell. — John Redwood (@johnredwood) May 15, 2023 Of […] The Poke.

This actor playing Jesus was supposed to be hoisted 10 feet in the air but went up 100 feet instead and the final shot is a genuine jaw-dropper

A video of this ‘Jesus’ soaring rather higher than was apparently expected has just gone wildly viral on Twitter for reasons that will become immediately apparent. As far as we can tell it was part of an Easter celebration in Korea – more details when we get them! – but it really is all about […] The Poke.

An American trolled Brits for their concept of a ‘pizza’ and it was a delicious self own for the ages

Time to pay a visit to the seemingly inexhaustible well that is the yawning cultural divide between the US and pretty much everywhere else. Ion this case it was an American taking issue with what us Brits reckon to be a ‘pizza’. And the most striking thing about it was that the image used by […] The Poke.

Someone asked for people’s ‘bad interview stories’ and these people were only too happy to oblige – 23 recruitment shockers

Job interviews are the worst. Even if you’re handsomely qualified for a job, you’ll no doubt be feeling sweaty, nervous and liable to leave the room with your foot firmly wedged in your mouth. But, if there’s any consolation, it’s that many people have the exact same experience. They’ve been sharing recruitment based woes on […] The Poke.

Nigel Farage’s furious deflection was a real squirmfest, as Sally Nugent pressed him over an ally calling Kemi Badenoch a ‘Nigerian scammer’

This is turning out to be a bad week for Reform, and for Nigel Farage in particular. On Monday, their press conference was a flop of epic proportions, they’ve dropped further down the polls, and then Farage agreed to face BBC Breakfast’s Sally Nugent. We suspect he’s regretting that already. Here’s how he handled being […] The Poke.