Max Muncy Asks Shohei Ohtani If They Have Max Muncy In Japan

LOS ANGELES—Clarifying that he was simply curious whether there was a comparable version of himself overseas, Los Angeles Dodgers third baseman Max Muncy reportedly asked teammate Shohei Ohtani on Tuesday if they had Max Muncy in Japan. “I’m just wondering if you guys have your own version of me—like, does Japan have a Max Muncy living over there the way I’m Max Muncy in America?” the three-time All-Star asked Ohtani, adding that if they did have one, he would be interested to learn whether Japan’s Muncy was also a baseball player or was something else, such as a “normal business guy” or “even a murderer.” “For example, I know they’ve got a Japanese version of Frankenstein over there called Godzilla, and I know you guys have special California rolls called sushi and better cartoons where people sword-fight and get naked and stuff, but what I’m asking is if I’m there in Japan. Like, when you saw me in the Dodgers locker room for the first time, did you think to yourself, ‘Wow! America has Max Muncy, just like in Japan’? Or did you think, ‘I’ve never seen this kind of exotic Max Muncy before in my life’? And what about the Max Muncy who plays for the A’s? Do you have one of those?” Sources confirmed that Ohtani responded to Muncy’s question by nodding affirmatively and explaining that in Japan they had a Max Muncy whom they referred to as “Donkey Kong.” The Onion.

Spiteful AIPAC Spends $30 Million On Loud Bird Perched Outside Abdul El-Sayed’s Window

ANN ARBOR, MI—In an effort to irritate the recent winner of Michigan’s Democratic Senate primary at all hours of the night, a spiteful American Israel Public Affairs Committee (AIPAC) reportedly spent $30 million this week to place a really loud bird directly outside the window of Abdul El-Sayed. “It might seem like a lot of money, but it’s worth it to have to a bird chittering away two feet from that guy’s bedroom from dusk till dawn,” AIPAC CEO Elliot Brandt said of the barn swallow paid to be as shrill as possible while it perched on a tree limb in El-Sayed’s yard, pausing only briefly to give him false hope that the racket had finally come to an end. “It was important to us that there truly be no escape from this bird, so we asked it to set aside its usual variety of calls and repeat the same three notes continuously. That way, they’re stuck in El-Sayed’s head even if he flees his home.” Brandt told reporters the bird would receive a bonus for shitting on the Democratic nominee as he made his way to his car. The Onion.

Newly Free Man Struggles To Readjust To Life Outside Having Penis Stuck In Hot Tub Jet

BLOOMFIELD, CA—Saying he would need to lean on family and friends for support as he began his journey to reenter society, local man Gregory Webb confirmed Thursday that he was struggling to acclimate to life outside having his penis stuck in a hot tub jet.  Shortly after his release, Webb reportedly found himself unable to reconcile the significant differences between everyday life on the outside and the regimented lifestyle he had become accustomed to during his 15 hours inside the suction fitting of a Master Spas LSX 900. “When you’re in there, it’s hard to imagine a life beyond those four marbled acrylic walls,” said Webb, warmly embracing his sister near the exit of the medical facility where he had been treated for severe penile bruising. “Being confined to a small space like that really changes your view of the world. I had forgotten what it feels like not to be half-wet all the time, dreading every jet cycle, my erectile tissue becoming more engorged inside the small hole and throbbing in pain against the pressurized valve. I spent all that time wondering if I’d ever see my penis again, and not knowing whether I’d still be able to recognize it if I did.” “I had mentally prepared to die in that hot tub a long time ago,” Webb continued. “So to be out and about in public again, and feel the warm sun shining on my dick and balls—it’s surreal.”  According to researchers, 68% of formerly Jacuzzi-bound individuals report feeling severely overwhelmed by their newfound autonomy once they are free from the 7,000-pound appliance anchored to their genitalia.  Among men who have required the assistance of the fire department to lubricate and tug their penises free of a whirlpool nozzle, many have said they took comfort knowing they weren’t alone.  “When you’re confined to a 7-by-9-foot fiberglass basin, completely isolated from the rest of the world, that becomes your new normal,” said Harriet Parson, a worker at a halfway house that specializes in teaching recently unstuck men how to reintegrate into society and not stick their penises anywhere else. “You know what to expect because every day is the same. The intake mechanism kicks on every 30 minutes. Water is heated and expelled through the jets. The pump pulls your battered shaft further into the tube. You scream in agony. Repeat. That’s all you know.” “If your entire reality is kneeling with your swim trunks around your ankles because your penis has become too swollen to dislodge from the Master Force Bio-Magnetic Hydro-Therapy System, it’s easy to forget your humanity,” added Parson, who stressed the importance of judgment-free rehabilitation and emotional support in cases like Webb’s. “The constant hypervigilance, the weight of trauma, and the deep mistrust of all things that water comes out of—that doesn’t just go away on its own.”  Researchers confirmed that one in five adults who have at one time had their penises sucked into a pipe flange will go on to face regular discrimination throughout their lifetime, due to a growing stigma against people with a record of seeking sexual gratification from a suction hose. Many are denied employment, housing, or credit lines when news coverage of the incident turns up in a routine background check. “To some people, you will always be the person who put your penis in the hotel pool filtration system and got it stuck in there for several hours,” said Jeffrey Adams, another former offender who now works with fellow ex-suctioned men to help them get back on their feet after a stint in the hydrotherapy vessel. “The minute you mention getting your penis stuck in a hot tub jet in a job interview, it’s over. Bring it up on a date, and you’ll likely never hear from that person again. It’s sad, but true. Even people you thought were your longtime friends will shun you after you’ve spent time with your penis stuck in their hot tub.”  “That’s why, after these guys get their penises unstuck, they’re often right back inside the jet within a matter of weeks,” continued Adams, who did his time in a Sundance Optima 880 back in the ’90s. “We must step in and break the cycle. The only reason my penis isn’t vacuum-sealed inside the wall of a whirlpool spa today is because someone helped me when I got out.” As for Webb, he said he is excited to start a new chapter educating at-risk youth about the consequences of sexually experimenting with mechanical water fixtures, something he decided to do after finding God while inside the hot tub. “It’s funny—even though I’ve been out for a little while now, I find myself using a lot of the lingo, like, ‘I have my penis stuck in a hot tub. It won’t come out, oh God, oh Jesus, please help me,’” Webb said. “It may sound crazy, but it wasn’t all bad in there. In fact, it felt pretty fucking amazing at first. But a lot of the time, I can’t shake the feeling that I’m still in the tub, fearing my penis will rip off if I pull on it too hard.”  “The road ahead is not going to be easy, that’s for sure,” Webb added. “All you can do is take it one day at a time.” The Onion.

Immunologists Warn About Rise Of Good Time–Resistant Supernarcs

NEW YORK—Calling the issue an existential threat to American parties, hangouts, and chill seshes, a group of leading immunologists issued a statement Tuesday warning about the rise of good time–resistant supernarcs. “Over the past decade, we’ve witnessed the emergence of narcs that are able to ruin gatherings at rates over 100 times faster than conventional buzzkills,” said Dr. Helga Leahy of Weill Cornell Medical College, adding that physicians had observed supernarcs capable of remaining fully uptight even when exposed to dope tunes and immaculate vibes. “These supernarcs can call the cops within milliseconds of a round of Puff Puff Pass starting, and show virtually no reduction in lameness when promised the music will stay at a reasonable volume. Some have even been recorded complaining about marijuana smoke from over 20 miles away. Telling them to chill out and cut loose a little has zero effect, so if you’re cracking open a cold one in the basement with your buddies and a stick-in-the-mud flicks the lights on and off and insists they’re seriously gonna tell everybody’s parents, it may already be too late. These supernarcs can and will harsh all mellows currently known to science.” Leahy went on to state that unless drastic action was taken to stem the tide of supernarcs, humanity could completely lose its ability to unwind after a long day. The Onion.

Timothy Burnett

Timothy Burnett, 67, was sealed in a mausoleum Sunday along with the living Taskrabbit handyman, Rover walker, and DoorDash deliveryman who will continue to serve him in the afterlife. The Onion.

Florida Credits Record-Low Crime Rate To Having Chased Away All The Democrats

TALLAHASSEE, FL — With recent data showing a marked decrease in crime across the Sunshine State, Florida officials credited its record-low crime rate to having chased away all the Democrats.

9 Miracles Jesus Might Have Performed In 2026

NOT SATIRE: Stop the Doom Scroll: Share Jesus

Tucker Carlson Tells Wife That Israel Must Have Planted All Those Dirty Dishes In The Sink

WOODSTOCK, ME — Podcast host Tucker Carlson reportedly deflected blame over dirty dishes left in his kitchen sink on Tuesday, notifying his wife that they were placed there by Israel.

Overachiever Uses Turn Signal

DALLAS, TX — Local driver and overachiever Ethan Harper reportedly showed off an insufferable level of perfectionism during his morning commute on Tuesday by intentionally using his vehicle's turn signal before changing lanes.

Massachusetts Legalizes Abortion Up Until Kindergarten

BOSTON, MA — Governor Maura Healey signed into law House Bill 5595 this morning, legalizing abortion in the state of Massachusetts up until a child enters Kindergarten.

Thrilling For Her: Mom Just Learned Some Super Sad News That She Gets To Tell Everyone

If you’re a fan of Mom, then this story is going to make you stand up and cheer, because something amazing is happening to her right now that’s going to absolutely make her entire week. Mom just learned some super sad news that she gets to tell everyone. Hell yes! This must be so thrilling for Mom! Earlier today, Mom started texting everyone in the family with an ominous message that simply said, “When you have a minute, we need to talk. Sad, sad news to share.” It’s possible that someone in the family passed away, or maybe someone was diagnosed with a serious illness. Regardless of what this tragedy is, Mom was one of the first people in the family to know, and she gets to be the one who tells everyone else. Mom must be feeling so awesome and important right now! While we haven’t learned the exact nature of the bad news yet, it’s safe to say that it’s probably very sad, because Mom followed up her initial text with the message, “I’ve been crying all afternoon. Call me back ASAP so I can tell you.” She’s also sent texts asking if people in the family would rather find out the sad news over the phone, over FaceTime, or if they’d like to come over to her house so she can tell them in person. No matter what option we choose, Mom will be the center of it all, and she’s going to get to be the one who tells us about the devastating event that has taken place. One of the best things about this whole thing, especially if you’re Mom, is that Mom is in total control of the situation. When Cousin Evelyn asked if she could get back to Mom after work, Mom texted back “NO. EMERGENCY. News is VERY SHOCKING AND TRAGIC.” Mom knows the super sad news, so Mom calls the shots. Simple as that. Hell yes. This incredibly disastrous day must be one of the best days of Mom’s life. This is a woman who is holding all the cards and is totally in her element. She’s going to be relaying this bad news to the whole family all day long, and we’re all in her thrall as long as she holds that power. Enjoy telling everyone the super sad news, Mom! You’ve earned it!

5 Reasons To Love Summer (NO AI)

We are proud to announce that no AI was used whatsoever when writing this list of reasons to love summer. 1. It’s hot out. Normally before writing, we’d Google this topic to see what other people have said to make sure we’re adding something new to the conversation. However, it’s pretty hard to avoid Google’s AI overview these days, and we don’t want that to influence what we write, so we’re just going with our first thoughts on this list, which is that summer is hot, which is why summer is great. Don’t like it? Kiss our perfectly ethical rumps! 2. There’s sunshine! When summer’s here, you can finally shake off the winter blues and get out in the beaitiful sunshine! FYI, we messed up typing that, and “beaitiful” automatically corrected to the proper spelling of “beautiful.” Obviously spell-check and autocorrect type of stuff has been around for a while, but it definitely seems like it could be using AI to catch those mistakes, so because we’re not taking any chances we changed it right back to beaitiful. REMINDER: NO AI WAS USED HERE! 3. Did somebody say BEACH BALLS? Nobody did, but if they had, it would’ve been a human, because this list is 100-percent human generated. And beach balls are such an epic part of summer! They’re inflatable balls that you can play with at the pool or beach, and that makes us love summer. Honestly we doubt AI has ever even touched a beach ball. Not sure how that would even work! 4. You can reconnect with nature.  Summer isn’t a time to be in the house—it’s a time to reconnect with nature. And look, we know that sentence construction is extremely characteristic of AI, but we actually wrote it ourselves. And we’re not going to change our writing style because computers have co-opted it—we’re going to change it because we decide to do so. And we don’t. Got a problem? Kiss our ethical rumps once more! 5. Swimming.  Swimming is an amazing thing you can do in the summer, and you can still do it because AI hasn’t drained all the world’s water, or whatever is happening or going to happen with that. We didn’t contribute to that though, because this wasn’t written by a computer, but instead four humans who each make $32,500 a year. Now get outside and enjoy the weather! Happy summer!

Fuck Yeah: Hanukkah In June

No fucking way we’re waiting until December. Hanukkah is now in June, baby! It’s Hanukkah in June! Light the menorah, don your swimsuit, and get ready to celebrate eight days of summertime fun! When the weather gets warm, it’s time for Hanukkah! We’re going to spin dreidels while kicking back poolside! Throw some latkes on the BBQ! There’s plenty of Manischewitz in the cooler! Leave your parka in storage, friend! It’s Hanukkah in June! Uh-oh, looks like the rabbi got a sunburn! Hey, rebbe, slap some SPF 50 on there before you sizzle like a sufganiyah! Nice, a reggae band is here to play “Ma’oz Tzur”! Hanukat hamizbe’ah, compadres! Light some fireworks with the shamash! Badass! Wooooooo! Hanukkah in June! We’re never fuckin’ going back!

Innovative: ‘The New York Times’ Has Announced Their Subscriptions Will Now Be Billed On A Sliding Scale Based On How Likely Someone Is To Remember That They’re Still Being Billed For ‘The New York Times’

As companies struggle to find profitable revenue models in the ever-changing digital landscape, one iconic journalistic entity is pursuing a novel and logical solution: The New York Times has announced their subscriptions will now be billed on a sliding scale based on how likely someone is to remember that they’re still being billed for the New York Times.  Hey, that’s actually pretty smart!  In an unassuming email sent out at 3 a.m. on a Sunday night (likely in the hopes that many subscribers would never open it), The New York Times quietly announced that access to The New York Times will now be billed on a sliding scale, ranging from $0.32 to $23,000 a month depending on how likely the subscriber is to remember that they’re paying for it.  If you’ve ever tried to cancel your New York Times subscription only to be offered a much lower rate to continue, you know these subscription fees were already quite malleable, but this new model takes their seemingly arbitrary pricing to the extreme. People who are hyper-aware they are paying for The New York Times—such as those who play Wordle first thing at 6 a.m. before they even get out of bed and those who frequently share NYT links to Facebook with the caption, “Great article in today’s Times!”— will receive the lowest rates to ensure they don’t cancel their subscriptions when they realize they can barely afford groceries or get demoted at work. People least likely to realize they’re still paying for The New York Times, such as old people with dementia, dead people, and people who have so many subscriptions that they just expect hundreds of dollars to leave their bank account monthly for reasons they can’t remember, will be completely gouged by subscription rates many multiples of their mortgage payments.  This is definitely an idea whose time has come.  Look, the days of getting a newspaper delivered to your porch and therefore having a constant reminder that you’re paying for The New York Times are over, so it’s time for the Times to fully exploit the fact that people don’t know what the fuck they’re paying for half the time. Hopefully this innovative pricing model allows The New York Times to survive another 175 years, even if it means your grandma is paying $8,000 a month for it despite not even knowing her username and password to log in to the site.

Refreshing Transparency: Trump’s Next Physical Will Be Performed In Front Of A Live Audience At Madison Square Garden

Under President Trump, government transparency is all but nonexistent. That’s what makes his administration’s latest decision so unexpectedly refreshing: Trump’s next physical will be performed in front of a live audience at Madison Square Garden.  Wow. Hey, if it takes indulging Trump’s penchant for showmanship to have a more honest and open executive office, we’ll take it! As the President enters his 80s with his health under greater scrutiny than ever, Trump is setting out to prove he’s of sound body and mind by undergoing a Presidential Physical live on stage, in the round, at Madison Square Garden. The MSG-hosted event was announced at a press conference this morning, where President Trump explained that Dr. Sean Barbarella, the current Physician to the President, will examine every inch of his body and test his mental acuity for the 20,000 spectators lucky enough to score a ticket—which sold out minutes after going on sale, with front-row seats priced at $1,000,000 each.  “You’re gonna see every inch of my body and brain on the MSG jumbotron, and you’re gonna say, ‘boy, that’s a healthy person, we saw it all, what an honest and transparent president Trump is,’ and it’ll be true, because it is true, and the proof will be right there in the World’s Most Famous Arena,” said President Trump, before boasting about his physical selling out MSG in minutes, when “President Biden’s Live Presidential Physical couldn’t even sell out Union Pool in Williamsburg,” an event that fact-checkers quickly proved never happened. “There will be an encore. A big one. We’re keeping it a surprise. It’s a dental check-up.” While Trump’s physical is the headliner event, the lineup also features an opening colonoscopy of Health Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr., an autism screening of RFK Jr. that will take place at the same time he’s getting the colonoscopy, and FBI Director Kash Patel reading the Wikipedia page for “Pap smear” at intermission. Say what you will about Trump, but this is a huge step towards repairing public trust in government.  No matter what the results of Trump’s physical exam are, Americans will get to see it with their own eyes, instead of taking Trump at his word. Props to the President for setting a new standard for government transparency!

Army Reserve adopts 'Nothing we do today is more important than lunch' as new recruiting slogan

FORT BRAGG — U.S. Army Reserve Command today unveiled a new recruiting slogan after officials concluded their previous campaign had failed to resonate with younger Americans.Beginning next battle assembly, the Army Reserve will officially adopt “Nothing we do today is more important than lunch” as its new recruiting motto.“We tried ‘It’s Your Time,’” said Maj. Tyler Hooker of USARC’s advertising team. “It turns out Gen Z doesn’t believe anyone is handing them anything — not jobs, not houses, and definitely not free time.”According to Hooker, a market research study conducted over a single drill weekend found younger Americans were primarily interested in the Reserve as an opportunity to experience active duty without accidentally becoming active duty.“Well, shit,” recalled Col. Mark Bravo after reviewing the results. “That was basically the Army Reserve before Sept. 11.”The study also found that junior reservists ranked the primary benefits of service as wearing the uniform, accomplishing as little work as possible before 1130, and collecting a free lunch.“To be fair,” Bravo said, “that’s also a pretty accurate description of active duty.”Researchers noted there are plenty of civilian jobs where employees accomplish very little, but few provide free uniforms, government travel, and the possibility of spending three hours discussing a PowerPoint presentation over lunch at P.F. Chang’s or Twin Peaks.Hooker said the campaign’s breakthrough came midway through a briefing when Maj. John Boros interrupted the presentation.“Knock off all this briefing nonsense,” Boros reportedly said. “Let’s get down to business. Where are we eating lunch?”The room fell silent.“Then he looked around and said, ‘Nothing we do today is more important than lunch,’” Hooker recalled. “Colonel Bravo immediately stood up and yelled, ‘That’s it! Print the posters!’”Bravo defended the slogan as refreshingly honest.“We’re not saying we don’t accomplish important things,” he said. “We’re simply acknowledging that lunch consistently outranks all of them.”Bravo admitted leadership briefly considered bringing back the Army’s iconic “Be All You Can Be” campaign before deciding against it.“That slogan let people project whatever dream they wanted onto military service,” Bravo said. “Our new one tells them exactly what they’re getting.”At press time, the slogan rollout had been postponed because the working group assigned to finalize it was still out to lunch.🖊️SECDEF_Nice served in Army Civil Affairs and specialized in failing to influence populations and occasionally his own chain-of-command. Follow him at Foxhole Briefs, Twitter, Facebook, or Instagram.

Hegseth mistakes getting older for declining military standards

THE PENTAGON — Senior defense officials launched an internal review this week after discovering Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth’s repeated warnings about collapsing military fitness standards were based primarily on his own advancing age.According to multiple officials, concerns began after Hegseth repeatedly claimed the Army lowered its standards “every four or five years, usually around my birthday.”“After about the fifth time he said the force was getting softer, I finally asked him which standards he meant,” said one official. “Holy shit. Within five seconds, I realized this man had apparently never read an age-based scoring chart.”The official said Hegseth’s approach to physical fitness testing throughout his military career was remarkably consistent.“He would show up, ask what he needed to do to score 70 points, then leave before anyone explained why the number had changed,” the official said. “He genuinely thought the Army kept lowering the standard. Nobody had the heart to tell him he was just getting older.”Army Fitness Test standards divide soldiers into progressively older age groups, generally in five-year increments.“Every time he entered a new bracket, he interpreted it as another collapse in discipline,” the official said. “From his perspective, military readiness has been steadily declining since his twenties.”Officials reviewing Hegseth’s records said the pattern was unmistakable.When his run time allowance increased in his early 30s, he blamed President Barack Obama. When it increased again in his late 30s, he blamed [cliffhanger] diversity initiatives. After entering his most recent bracket, he ordered a department-wide review of the warrior ethos.Officials acknowledged that the military provides little formal instruction on reading fitness score tables but questioned whether any was necessary.“It's not the Rosetta Stone,” another official said. “The chart is about as complicated as breathing burn pit fumes.”According to the official, Hegseth initially mistook the age ranges for presidential approval ratings.“He pointed to ‘42-46’ and said, ‘See? Biden destroyed readiness,’” the official recalled. “We explained that was his age bracket. He accused us of making excuses.”Chief Pentagon Spokesman Sean Parnell declined to address whether Hegseth understood age-normed scoring.“I’m not going to get into hypothetical charts,” Parnell said. “The secretary remains focused on restoring the warrior ethos, increasing lethality, and ensuring America has the most physically capable fighting force on Earth.”Parnell abruptly ended the briefing when a reporter asked whether the most capable fighting force on Earth should also be capable of reading a PDF.At press time, Hegseth had ordered the Army to restore the physical fitness standards in effect when he was 23, calling them “the last objectively rigorous standards before the military began changing them specifically to embarrass me.”🖊️SECDEF_Nice served in Army Civil Affairs and specialized in failing to influence populations and occasionally his own chain-of-command. Follow him at Foxhole Briefs, Twitter, Facebook, or Instagram.

Duffel Blog’s Top 13 ideas for solving the Iran War

FREE EDITIONYou're reading the free version of Duffel Blog. Paid supporters get every story we publish, the Sunday Reader, our 4,200-article archive, and deep discounts in the Duffel PX. We are ad-free and reader-supported. THE PENTAGON — U.S. Central Command has called for help and America's Most-Trusted Military News Source, as usual, is here to provide it.After six months of war, a collapsed ceasefire, dwindling munitions, and no obvious path to victory, CENTCOM recently asked military analysts to submit “new creative and unconventional ways to pressure and punish Iran” and bring its leaders back to the negotiating table.This is reassuring because it confirms America’s most important military campaign has officially entered the portion of the group project where someone asks whether anyone has any ideas.Fortunately, Duffel Blog does. 1. Surrender Sure, it might look bad. But surrender would conserve critical munitions needed for the Pacific and allow sailors to reunite with loved ones at San Diego and Norfolk strip clubs, tattoo parlors, and divorce mediation offices. Just call it “charging to lethal victory in the opposite direction." 2. Move the goalposts Did you publicly announce goals that now appear more delusional than an E-1 looking for love at a strip club? Change them. Regime change becomes degrading capabilities. Degrading capabilities becomes sending a message. Sending a message becomes demonstrating resolve. Demonstrating resolve becomes “Iran definitely knows we’re upset.” Once the objective is vague enough, victory becomes inevitable. 3. Redefine everything Words have meaning until they become operationally inconvenient. A war is a ceasefire. A retreat is force protection. A failed offensive is strategic patience. Civilian casualties are emerging narrative challenges. Call the ayatollah after the next missile strike and ask what his problem is. When he says the countries are at war, respond, “That doesn’t sound like us. We campaigned on no new wars.” Follow up with proven diplomatic phrases such as “You're overreacting,” “That was obviously a joke,” and “After everything we’ve done for you?” 4. Turn the war off and back on again Ask the S-6 to shut down hostilities, wait 30 seconds, jiggle the regional power cable, and restart the conflict.If the war still does not work, submit a help ticket and receive a response within three to five strategic business days asking whether the issue has resolved itself. 5. Crowdsource the campaign on the War Thunder forums War Thunder players possess years of virtual combat experience and routinely demonstrate access to classified technical documents. They are therefore the only available population with both relevant expertise, the appropriate security clearances, and the absence of judgment required to post classified material where even the newest North Korean lieutenant can study it. 6. Air-drop three pigs into Tehran Paint the numbers 1, 2, and 4 on their sides before releasing them. While Iranian security forces search for Pig 3, seize Kharg Island, recover the enriched uranium, and leave before anyone realizes there were only three pigs. This is the sort of deception operation military planners used to develop before PowerPoint. 7. Send Jared Kushner back to negotiate The first ceasefire may not have lasted, but Iranian officials cannot possibly bear to sit through another meeting with Kushner. Lock him in a conference room with the Iranian delegation and... Paid subscriber dispatch The rest of this article is for paid members You’ve made it this far. Might as well finish the briefing. Continue reading → Also included with membership: Every Duffel Blog story The complete archive Exclusive newsletters and features The satisfaction of funding the only news outlet that has never once lied to you about anything

Americans begin thanking troops for future service

WASHINGTON — With U.S. forces once again exchanging strikes with Iran while officials continue insisting they are not seeking a wider war, Americans have begun thanking service members for their future service.The new greeting has spread rapidly through airports, gas stations, grocery stores, and chain restaurants near military installations.“Thanks for your future service,” said one cashier at Buc-ee's after ringing up an Army specialist's beef jerky, Zyn, and energy drinks. “You know... just in case.”Defense officials acknowledged the trend had become increasingly common.“We're not saying there will be another major deployment,” one Pentagon spokesman said. “We're just saying if there is, statistically speaking, it'll probably involve the same people buying Tornados at Love's Travel Stops today.”Military planners denied the United States was preparing for another prolonged conflict in the Middle East while quietly directing every airborne brigade to ensure all duffel bags remained “deployment ready indefinitely.”“We've had our gear packed for so long the compression straps have compression straps,” said Sgt. 1st Class Roberto Moreno of the 82nd Airborne Division. “At this point I don't even unpack. I just rotate socks.”Not everyone appreciated the new expression.Pfc. Kyle Whitford, who joined the Texas Army National Guard believing the wars were finally over, said the phrase had become increasingly unsettling.“I enlisted to help pay for college,” Whitford said. “Then the gas station lady thanked me for my future service, the cashier at Lowe's asked if I'd been issued desert boots yet, and my mom started introducing me as 'our next generation of combat veteran.'”

Pentagon limits combat casualties to normal business hours

ARLINGTON, Va. — The Pentagon announced Tuesday that U.S. combat casualties will now only be recognized during normal government business hours after officials determined that wars had become increasingly difficult to manage across multiple spreadsheets.The new guidance follows the Department of Defense decision to remove four soldiers killed during renewed fighting with Iran from Operation Epic Fury’s official casualty count and place them under a separate category titled “Overseas Operations.”Officials defended the move by noting the four soldiers were killed after Operation Epic Fury had officially ended, despite being killed by the same enemy, in the same region, during the same war military officials continue to describe as a ceasefire that, nevertheless, still involves a substantial amount of fire.“Americans deserve accurate reporting,” Chief Pentagon Spokesman Sean Parnell said. “That’s why we’re aligning casualty reporting with established federal business practices.”Effective immediately, personnel killed between 9 a.m. and 5 p.m. Eastern time, Monday through Friday, excluding federal holidays, will remain eligible for classification as killed in action.Deaths occurring outside that window will receive “the operational designation most appropriate for the department’s current messaging needs.”“These brave Americans still died serving their country,” Parnell said. “We’re simply enhancing transparency by ensuring every death is assigned to the correct spreadsheet.”Under the revised guidance, weekend deaths will be classified as Hostile Workplace Incidents, while fatalities during ceasefires will be categorized as Ceasefire-Adjacent Workplace Violence pending review by the Office of Strategic Narrative Alignment.Additional categories include:Operational Pause MishapFederal Holiday Kinetic OccurrencePatriotism After HoursAdministrative KIAPending Timecard ApprovalThe policy has reportedly left casualty assistance officers struggling to explain the distinctions to grieving families.“My husband was killed when an Iranian missile hit his base,” said Melissa Carter, whose husband, an Army captain, died in Jordan. “The casualty officer told me he wasn’t killed during the operation because the operation had already transitioned into an overseas administrative posture.”“Am I still allowed to tell people he was killed in action, or was it technically workplace violence?”One Gold Star father said the government had provided his family with four different descriptions of his son’s death.“The death certificate says hostile action,” he said. “The chaplain says he made the ultimate sacrifice. The Pentagon database says ‘Overseas Operations.’ Public affairs says he was lost during a period of enhanced operational restraint.”“I just need to know what to tell my grandson.”At Arlington National Cemetery, workers reportedly spent Tuesday marking graves with sticky notes reading “Pending Reclassification.”Officials said the cemetery had also been ordered to disinter service members whose deaths no longer qualified as part of Operation Epic Fury and temporarily relocate them to a new section designated “Other Overseas Administrative Events.”The Army Corps of Engineers briefly considered attaching stickers to the affected headstones reading “Not Counted During Initial Operational Phase,” but abandoned the proposal after lawyers warned it could produce “unhelpful optics.”Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth insisted the department remained committed to honoring every American who serves.“No one is hiding casualties,” Hegseth said. “We’re organizing them into categories that better reflect operational realities, statutory authorities, and whole-of-government messaging.”Officials said the Pentagon is also asking adversaries to conduct future attacks during standard federal business hours whenever operationally feasible.“It significantly reduces the administrative burden,” one official said. “Plus, anything after 5 qualifies for overtime.”At press time, Pentagon planners were determining whether troops wounded after normal business hours should seek medical attention immediately or simply clock back in the following morning.

My one-woman Edinburgh show really sticks it to my middle-class childhood

THEATRE is about speaking the truth, however raw or unpalatable it may be. And I believe I have done that with my Fringe show No Daddy, I’m Not Going to the Gymkhana. I surveyed the theatrical landscape and asked myself, why is nobody writing plays about niche personal issues told from a upper-middle perspective? Then I realised: be the change you want to see. Bring the hard truth about private school to the people. So I wrote about the hardships of growing up in Surrey. The arguments about getting a nose stud. The pressure to ride dressage. Repeated refusals to give me a lift to Annabelle’s. It’s all there, psychological wounds as fresh as the day I was told, aged 14, I was not getting a sleeve tattoo. I honestly feel it could be the next Fleabag. Then the real work of rehearsals and finding a venue began. Not easy, because it turns out there are actually loads of plays about niche personal issues told from a upper-middle perspective up here, adding to my oppression. But, surmounting obstacles like an Afghan refugee, I made it and here I am performing in Edinburgh for friends, family and sometimes up to four other people? The two-and-a-half hours just fly by. Despite it clearly striking a chord, the critics have been less kind. Unable to look beyond their own class prejudices, some of them not even trying to hide their Scotchness, they condemned it. ‘Thinks it’s the next Fleabag but falls woefully short,’ the Times wrote. Well, the real triumph here is that I’ve confronted the traumas of my past and emerged a stronger person. The secondary one is I’ve printed up 2,000 posters and 5,000 leaflets with ‘the next Fleabag – The Times’ on. That should ensure sell-outs, nominations for Fringe awards, a West End run and a TV deal. See? Sometimes it is worth leaving London.

Ratio of vape shops to UK residents to be reduced to 1:1

Heatwave provides excuse to eat f**k-off chunk of ice cream on a stick

THE heatwave sweeping England and Wales has given everyone an excellent excuse to eat a huge block of chocolate-coated ice cream on a wooden stick.  Fully air-conditioned workplaces are ceasing all work in favour of sending junior employees out to buy Magnums, Nuii, various Cadburys options and those Halo ones for dieters. 27-year-old greedy person Tom Logan said: “On normal temperate days people would be pretty scathing if I ate a shitload of ice cream in the middle of the afternoon. “But it’s sunny, it is imperative that I ‘cool down’ and I’ll just sweat the fat and sugar out naturally through my pores.” Colleague Jo Kramer said: “Also, if it’s on a stick it’s light-hearted fun, not some fat bastard chomping through a whole bowl of Ben & Jerry’s. “What does it taste of? Sort of a cold, vague nothing. But it’s provided enough dopamine to get through to 3pm.”

Seven reasons why of course everyone judges your f**king tattoos

DESPITE their popularity, tattoos are still not fully accepted by those who do not cover their skin with childish drawings. Could it be for these obvious reasons? They’re inherently frightening  A skull, even with flowers dotted around it, is still a human head stripped of flesh and a universal symbol of death favoured by organisations such as the SS. You have chosen to put one on your body permanently. Expect to be shunned. Your tattoo jars with your job Tattoos are popular in careers such as the Army. However jobs like nurse, accountant or fancy cake baker do not need the same macho, comrades-in-arms ethos. Did you drag that slice of red velvet cake out of a burning Humvee under enemy fire? They makes you unemployable in a meta way A potential employer won’t see your neck tats and think: ‘By Jove, he looks like a ruffian and a ne’er-do-well!’ because they’ve seen plenty. But they will think: ‘Did this guy not consider his future applications for professional roles when he had those done? No second interview for you, Machine Gun Kelly.’ They’re frequently clichéd Maori-style ‘tribal’ designs, skeletons in top hats and roaring lions: all groaningly unoriginal. How were you this oblivious to trends when you had them done? Did you not realise they should each have a best-before date underneath? Face and hand tattoos are loved by nutters Equally popular with aggressive beggars off their heads, prison inmates and young chaps with poor impulse control and electronic tags. Your tats may be quite arty and cost £850, but you can’t expect people to switch off reasonable associations. They’re notoriously chavvy It is no secret that the body art of the lower classes is lavishly mocked. Expect sneering reactions to your tramp stamp and the names of your children in cursive script, especially if those names are Darcy-Rae and Jaxxon. Tattooists can’t draw A lot of stencils are involved, but questionable images get inked nonetheless. When others look askance at your dragon with a dislocated pelvis or are genuinely struggling to tell if that is a Minion or Bart Simpson, the problem lies with the artist.

Amber heat health alerts: how much lager should I drink?

MOST of England will be covered by amber heat health alerts for the next three days. How does that translate to lager consumption? Dr Helen Archer explains: Good morning. As you are no doubt aware, and haven’t only just begun to pay attention to, the UK is covered by a four-tier alert system. And for each of those tiers, a certain level of lager-based hydration is recommended. A Green health alert is for summer preparedness. The risk is minimal, but nonetheless be ready for lunchtime drinking sessions, keep an eight-pack of Red Stripe chilled at home and weekends may see you drink up to ten pints while wearing a bucket hat. A Yellow alert means watchfulness, especially for those with medical conditions such as lager deficiency, sweating heavily or a driving ban. If you are affected, plan ahead by doing a run to the supermarket and storing six crates of Stella in a dark, quiet garage. The Amber alert we are currently experiencing has an impact across all areas of sobriety. Lunchtime drinking is mandatory, especially for homeworkers who are too often the silent victims of heatwaves. Refuse to allow them in meetings until they have cracked a can. After-work drinking is recommended, in order to absorb the heat stress of the commute, and all social stigma attached to urinating in a bottle on the Manchester-Stockport train is temporarily lifted. Once home, anyone with a garden or balcony is required to set up there for the night. Approximately 500ml of lager should be taken every 30 minutes, as if there were football on. Maintain a respectful level of intoxication until at least sunset for your own safety. A Red heat health alert, which is yet to happen, would indicate a significant risk to life even for the healthily lagered-up. An 8am Special Brew would be issued by the government and an information campaign encouraging drinking alone launched. Thankfully, we remain on Amber. So spend these next few days drinking an average of 12 to 24 lagers per day and you should be fine. And, if you can, try to enjoy it.

Count Binface had the perfect quickfire funny response to an interviewer who wanted his political views explained for her American audience

There’s just one day left until the voters of Clacton make the political decision of the decade – between a joke candidate with unworkable policies and a fictitious persona …and Count Binface. Yeah, we know – you could see that one coming from space. The mad thing is – it’s true. Since triggering a by-election […] The Poke.

The internet can’t stop mocking Trump for sneaking off Air Force One in a catering truck, and these 31 jokes and memes say everything that needs to be said about America’s fearless leader

By now, you’ll be aware that Donald Trump, when returning from the Nato summit in Türkiye last month, ditched Air Force One for fear of an assassination attempt. He was smuggled into a catering truck, then transferred to a safer plane – leaving staff and press on the threatened craft. Breaking news: An Iranian assassination […] The Poke.

Pete Hegseth wiped his nose before immediately running the same hand through his hair, and the internet gagged as one

How many prompts would it take for Chat GPT to describe Pete Hegseth as a sweaty booger? After this latest footage of the Secretary of Defense, probably just one. Hegseth and Treasury Secretary, Scott Bessent, were in Charleston, South Carolina, to attend a special ceremony renaming Joint Base Charleston in honor of the late Senator […] The Poke.

25 of the Funniest Posts We’ve Seen on Bluesky This Week

It’s all go. There’s yet another heatwave, Clacton is just a day from casting its vote, Andy Burnham is going to fight a Lost Mary in a car park. Okay, maybe not that last one, but if Farage can fight a bin, who knows? In less dramatic news, it’s time for our Wednesday round-up of […] The Poke.

‘What is something you used to judge people for until you experienced it yourself?’ – 21 realisations that criticism is way easier than empathy

Being judgemental is a bad quality, right? So much so that we… judge other people for doing it. Which is a hard one to unpick. It’s hard to go through life without being critical of others, and often it’s not until we are in the same shoes as the person we are finding fault with […] The Poke.