Latest parody and comedy news from around the web
The discarded upper stage of a SpaceX Falcon 9 rocket crashed into the moon after drifting off course over the past year, an event that has highlighted the importance of managing space debris. What do you think? “Brush it under Neptune. No one will ever know.” Joey Ettinger, Scarf Knotter “Moon can’t take a punch?” Oliver Straubie, Paperwork Gatherer “No wonder my period’s been so fucked up.” Luna Blum, Seed Seller The Onion.
The Onion.
Your Own Goddamn House: It’s your house. You paid for it. She can’t just make you leave, divorce papers or not. Reference #27802 The Onion.
Monica Hilburn and Mike Gomez: The bride’s psychic predicted she’d find love, and sure enough, she will eventually. The Onion.
WASHINGTON—In what is being described as a major breach of White House security protocol, the National Security Agency reportedly uncovered evidence Friday that first lady Melania Trump was a Russian listening device. “A sweep by intelligence officials has revealed that Mrs. Trump is in fact an espionage tool deployed by Russia to record President Trump while blending in seamlessly among his inner circle,” said NSA director Joshua Rudd, explaining that the surveillance apparatus disguised through the years as a Slovenian model and, later, the first lady was exposed only after sparks caused by improper wiring in her speaker were observed flying from her mouth. “The hidden microphone codenamed FLOTUS appears to have been used by the Kremlin to continually transmit audio data ever since being gifted to Donald Trump in 1998. We first suspected she might be part of a Russian monitoring effort due to the antennae protruding from her head and occasional disrupted speech patterns that sounded like interference from Moscow radio stations.” Rudd added that they were still trying to determine what the Russians intended to do with the 5,000 hours of voice recordings of an American president berating his wife to lose weight. The Onion.
TALLAHASSEE, FL — With recent data showing a marked decrease in crime across the Sunshine State, Florida officials credited its record-low crime rate to having chased away all the Democrats.
NOT SATIRE: Stop the Doom Scroll: Share Jesus
WOODSTOCK, ME — Podcast host Tucker Carlson reportedly deflected blame over dirty dishes left in his kitchen sink on Tuesday, notifying his wife that they were placed there by Israel.
DALLAS, TX — Local driver and overachiever Ethan Harper reportedly showed off an insufferable level of perfectionism during his morning commute on Tuesday by intentionally using his vehicle's turn signal before changing lanes.
BOSTON, MA — Governor Maura Healey signed into law House Bill 5595 this morning, legalizing abortion in the state of Massachusetts up until a child enters Kindergarten.
If you’re a fan of Mom, then this story is going to make you stand up and cheer, because something amazing is happening to her right now that’s going to absolutely make her entire week. Mom just learned some super sad news that she gets to tell everyone. Hell yes! This must be so thrilling for Mom! Earlier today, Mom started texting everyone in the family with an ominous message that simply said, “When you have a minute, we need to talk. Sad, sad news to share.” It’s possible that someone in the family passed away, or maybe someone was diagnosed with a serious illness. Regardless of what this tragedy is, Mom was one of the first people in the family to know, and she gets to be the one who tells everyone else. Mom must be feeling so awesome and important right now! While we haven’t learned the exact nature of the bad news yet, it’s safe to say that it’s probably very sad, because Mom followed up her initial text with the message, “I’ve been crying all afternoon. Call me back ASAP so I can tell you.” She’s also sent texts asking if people in the family would rather find out the sad news over the phone, over FaceTime, or if they’d like to come over to her house so she can tell them in person. No matter what option we choose, Mom will be the center of it all, and she’s going to get to be the one who tells us about the devastating event that has taken place. One of the best things about this whole thing, especially if you’re Mom, is that Mom is in total control of the situation. When Cousin Evelyn asked if she could get back to Mom after work, Mom texted back “NO. EMERGENCY. News is VERY SHOCKING AND TRAGIC.” Mom knows the super sad news, so Mom calls the shots. Simple as that. Hell yes. This incredibly disastrous day must be one of the best days of Mom’s life. This is a woman who is holding all the cards and is totally in her element. She’s going to be relaying this bad news to the whole family all day long, and we’re all in her thrall as long as she holds that power. Enjoy telling everyone the super sad news, Mom! You’ve earned it!
We are proud to announce that no AI was used whatsoever when writing this list of reasons to love summer. 1. It’s hot out. Normally before writing, we’d Google this topic to see what other people have said to make sure we’re adding something new to the conversation. However, it’s pretty hard to avoid Google’s AI overview these days, and we don’t want that to influence what we write, so we’re just going with our first thoughts on this list, which is that summer is hot, which is why summer is great. Don’t like it? Kiss our perfectly ethical rumps! 2. There’s sunshine! When summer’s here, you can finally shake off the winter blues and get out in the beaitiful sunshine! FYI, we messed up typing that, and “beaitiful” automatically corrected to the proper spelling of “beautiful.” Obviously spell-check and autocorrect type of stuff has been around for a while, but it definitely seems like it could be using AI to catch those mistakes, so because we’re not taking any chances we changed it right back to beaitiful. REMINDER: NO AI WAS USED HERE! 3. Did somebody say BEACH BALLS? Nobody did, but if they had, it would’ve been a human, because this list is 100-percent human generated. And beach balls are such an epic part of summer! They’re inflatable balls that you can play with at the pool or beach, and that makes us love summer. Honestly we doubt AI has ever even touched a beach ball. Not sure how that would even work! 4. You can reconnect with nature. Summer isn’t a time to be in the house—it’s a time to reconnect with nature. And look, we know that sentence construction is extremely characteristic of AI, but we actually wrote it ourselves. And we’re not going to change our writing style because computers have co-opted it—we’re going to change it because we decide to do so. And we don’t. Got a problem? Kiss our ethical rumps once more! 5. Swimming. Swimming is an amazing thing you can do in the summer, and you can still do it because AI hasn’t drained all the world’s water, or whatever is happening or going to happen with that. We didn’t contribute to that though, because this wasn’t written by a computer, but instead four humans who each make $32,500 a year. Now get outside and enjoy the weather! Happy summer!
No fucking way we’re waiting until December. Hanukkah is now in June, baby! It’s Hanukkah in June! Light the menorah, don your swimsuit, and get ready to celebrate eight days of summertime fun! When the weather gets warm, it’s time for Hanukkah! We’re going to spin dreidels while kicking back poolside! Throw some latkes on the BBQ! There’s plenty of Manischewitz in the cooler! Leave your parka in storage, friend! It’s Hanukkah in June! Uh-oh, looks like the rabbi got a sunburn! Hey, rebbe, slap some SPF 50 on there before you sizzle like a sufganiyah! Nice, a reggae band is here to play “Ma’oz Tzur”! Hanukat hamizbe’ah, compadres! Light some fireworks with the shamash! Badass! Wooooooo! Hanukkah in June! We’re never fuckin’ going back!
As companies struggle to find profitable revenue models in the ever-changing digital landscape, one iconic journalistic entity is pursuing a novel and logical solution: The New York Times has announced their subscriptions will now be billed on a sliding scale based on how likely someone is to remember that they’re still being billed for the New York Times. Hey, that’s actually pretty smart! In an unassuming email sent out at 3 a.m. on a Sunday night (likely in the hopes that many subscribers would never open it), The New York Times quietly announced that access to The New York Times will now be billed on a sliding scale, ranging from $0.32 to $23,000 a month depending on how likely the subscriber is to remember that they’re paying for it. If you’ve ever tried to cancel your New York Times subscription only to be offered a much lower rate to continue, you know these subscription fees were already quite malleable, but this new model takes their seemingly arbitrary pricing to the extreme. People who are hyper-aware they are paying for The New York Times—such as those who play Wordle first thing at 6 a.m. before they even get out of bed and those who frequently share NYT links to Facebook with the caption, “Great article in today’s Times!”— will receive the lowest rates to ensure they don’t cancel their subscriptions when they realize they can barely afford groceries or get demoted at work. People least likely to realize they’re still paying for The New York Times, such as old people with dementia, dead people, and people who have so many subscriptions that they just expect hundreds of dollars to leave their bank account monthly for reasons they can’t remember, will be completely gouged by subscription rates many multiples of their mortgage payments. This is definitely an idea whose time has come. Look, the days of getting a newspaper delivered to your porch and therefore having a constant reminder that you’re paying for The New York Times are over, so it’s time for the Times to fully exploit the fact that people don’t know what the fuck they’re paying for half the time. Hopefully this innovative pricing model allows The New York Times to survive another 175 years, even if it means your grandma is paying $8,000 a month for it despite not even knowing her username and password to log in to the site.
Under President Trump, government transparency is all but nonexistent. That’s what makes his administration’s latest decision so unexpectedly refreshing: Trump’s next physical will be performed in front of a live audience at Madison Square Garden. Wow. Hey, if it takes indulging Trump’s penchant for showmanship to have a more honest and open executive office, we’ll take it! As the President enters his 80s with his health under greater scrutiny than ever, Trump is setting out to prove he’s of sound body and mind by undergoing a Presidential Physical live on stage, in the round, at Madison Square Garden. The MSG-hosted event was announced at a press conference this morning, where President Trump explained that Dr. Sean Barbarella, the current Physician to the President, will examine every inch of his body and test his mental acuity for the 20,000 spectators lucky enough to score a ticket—which sold out minutes after going on sale, with front-row seats priced at $1,000,000 each. “You’re gonna see every inch of my body and brain on the MSG jumbotron, and you’re gonna say, ‘boy, that’s a healthy person, we saw it all, what an honest and transparent president Trump is,’ and it’ll be true, because it is true, and the proof will be right there in the World’s Most Famous Arena,” said President Trump, before boasting about his physical selling out MSG in minutes, when “President Biden’s Live Presidential Physical couldn’t even sell out Union Pool in Williamsburg,” an event that fact-checkers quickly proved never happened. “There will be an encore. A big one. We’re keeping it a surprise. It’s a dental check-up.” While Trump’s physical is the headliner event, the lineup also features an opening colonoscopy of Health Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr., an autism screening of RFK Jr. that will take place at the same time he’s getting the colonoscopy, and FBI Director Kash Patel reading the Wikipedia page for “Pap smear” at intermission. Say what you will about Trump, but this is a huge step towards repairing public trust in government. No matter what the results of Trump’s physical exam are, Americans will get to see it with their own eyes, instead of taking Trump at his word. Props to the President for setting a new standard for government transparency!
The following is an opinion article by Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth.At ease, patriots. Listen up because I’m only going to say this 15 or 20 more times.Nobody is fucking going anywhere until we have 100% accountability of all sensitive items, exquisite munitions, and long-range precision weapons in the United States military.The boss wants this Iran thing wrapped up, and apparently firing hundreds of cruise missiles, Patriots, THAAD interceptors and other expensive-ass shit means we are starting to run low on them. I don’t want to hear any pissing and moaning. You people should have seen this coming.We destroyed Iran’s military months ago. Then we destroyed it again. Then a third time. Unfortunately, they keep showing up for work, so we may have to destroy it several more times before they understand that they’ve been destroyed.So I need every commander in every service to conduct a hands-across-America sensitive-items inventory immediately.Somewhere out there is a Tomahawk you thought somebody else signed for. I want that motherfucker.Maybe there’s an air-launched cruise missile being used as a picnic table at Minot. Or there's some Navy chief out there with three TLAMs shoved behind a paint locker because moving them would require updating a spreadsheet. Perhaps there's an Army warrant officer sitting on six THAAD interceptors since 2019 because nobody ever specifically asked him about them.Check, goddamnit. I want to physically see the missile.And don’t come back telling me something is “accounted for” because it appears on a property book.If the hand receipt says you have 12 and there are 11 sitting there, congratulations: We are all staying until somebody finds number 12.I don’t care if the guy who signed for it PCSed four years ago. Get him on the damn phone.To encourage honesty, we’ve placed amnesty boxes at installations worldwide. If you have an unauthorized high-end munition, just put it inside. No questions asked.I don't care if you took a JASSM home as a souvenir or if your squadron has been using an SM-6 as a coat rack. Maybe you found a Patriot interceptor behind the barracks and were afraid to say anything.Today is your day.It doesn't matter how it got there. We just need it back.And before anybody asks: Yes, missiles displayed outside headquarters buildings count. There is no such thing as a “ceremonial Tomahawk” anymore. Not when China exists.This isn’t just about Iran. We need enough weapons left over to deter China, defend Taiwan, defend Guam, defend Japan and fight whatever other war we accidentally discover we’re already in by then.People keep telling me long-range munitions production requires years of industrial planning, specialized supply chains, and sustained procurement.Bullshit. Have you checked the motor pool?Frankly, I don’t like this any more than you do. I’ve got things to do. But the old man says we’re staying here until we have enough missiles for Iran, the Pacific, and whatever comes next, or until everybody stops asking about the Epstein files.I don’t need to tell you which requirement I expect us to meet first.So when I dismiss you, I want to see assholes and elbows. Check every office, bunker, hangar, ship, warehouse and wall locker in the Department of War.And if anybody finds a pallet marked “DO NOT INVENTORY — CENTCOM,” leave it exactly where it is and call me personally.I’ll be in my office doing pull-ups if you need me. This strategic logistics bullshit has interfered with my PT program long enough.🖊️Bull Winkle is a writer and amateur phrenologist who is available to make your next party, birthday, wedding or pointless war super fun.
FORT BRAGG — U.S. Army Reserve Command today unveiled a new recruiting slogan after officials concluded their previous campaign had failed to resonate with younger Americans.Beginning next battle assembly, the Army Reserve will officially adopt “Nothing we do today is more important than lunch” as its new recruiting motto.“We tried ‘It’s Your Time,’” said Maj. Tyler Hooker of USARC’s advertising team. “It turns out Gen Z doesn’t believe anyone is handing them anything — not jobs, not houses, and definitely not free time.”According to Hooker, a market research study conducted over a single drill weekend found younger Americans were primarily interested in the Reserve as an opportunity to experience active duty without accidentally becoming active duty.“Well, shit,” recalled Col. Mark Bravo after reviewing the results. “That was basically the Army Reserve before Sept. 11.”The study also found that junior reservists ranked the primary benefits of service as wearing the uniform, accomplishing as little work as possible before 1130, and collecting a free lunch.“To be fair,” Bravo said, “that’s also a pretty accurate description of active duty.”Researchers noted there are plenty of civilian jobs where employees accomplish very little, but few provide free uniforms, government travel, and the possibility of spending three hours discussing a PowerPoint presentation over lunch at P.F. Chang’s or Twin Peaks.Hooker said the campaign’s breakthrough came midway through a briefing when Maj. John Boros interrupted the presentation.“Knock off all this briefing nonsense,” Boros reportedly said. “Let’s get down to business. Where are we eating lunch?”The room fell silent.“Then he looked around and said, ‘Nothing we do today is more important than lunch,’” Hooker recalled. “Colonel Bravo immediately stood up and yelled, ‘That’s it! Print the posters!’”Bravo defended the slogan as refreshingly honest.“We’re not saying we don’t accomplish important things,” he said. “We’re simply acknowledging that lunch consistently outranks all of them.”Bravo admitted leadership briefly considered bringing back the Army’s iconic “Be All You Can Be” campaign before deciding against it.“That slogan let people project whatever dream they wanted onto military service,” Bravo said. “Our new one tells them exactly what they’re getting.”At press time, the slogan rollout had been postponed because the working group assigned to finalize it was still out to lunch.🖊️SECDEF_Nice served in Army Civil Affairs and specialized in failing to influence populations and occasionally his own chain-of-command. Follow him at Foxhole Briefs, Twitter, Facebook, or Instagram.
THE PENTAGON — Senior defense officials launched an internal review this week after discovering Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth’s repeated warnings about collapsing military fitness standards were based primarily on his own advancing age.According to multiple officials, concerns began after Hegseth repeatedly claimed the Army lowered its standards “every four or five years, usually around my birthday.”“After about the fifth time he said the force was getting softer, I finally asked him which standards he meant,” said one official. “Holy shit. Within five seconds, I realized this man had apparently never read an age-based scoring chart.”The official said Hegseth’s approach to physical fitness testing throughout his military career was remarkably consistent.“He would show up, ask what he needed to do to score 70 points, then leave before anyone explained why the number had changed,” the official said. “He genuinely thought the Army kept lowering the standard. Nobody had the heart to tell him he was just getting older.”Army Fitness Test standards divide soldiers into progressively older age groups, generally in five-year increments.“Every time he entered a new bracket, he interpreted it as another collapse in discipline,” the official said. “From his perspective, military readiness has been steadily declining since his twenties.”Officials reviewing Hegseth’s records said the pattern was unmistakable.When his run time allowance increased in his early 30s, he blamed President Barack Obama. When it increased again in his late 30s, he blamed [cliffhanger] diversity initiatives. After entering his most recent bracket, he ordered a department-wide review of the warrior ethos.Officials acknowledged that the military provides little formal instruction on reading fitness score tables but questioned whether any was necessary.“It's not the Rosetta Stone,” another official said. “The chart is about as complicated as breathing burn pit fumes.”According to the official, Hegseth initially mistook the age ranges for presidential approval ratings.“He pointed to ‘42-46’ and said, ‘See? Biden destroyed readiness,’” the official recalled. “We explained that was his age bracket. He accused us of making excuses.”Chief Pentagon Spokesman Sean Parnell declined to address whether Hegseth understood age-normed scoring.“I’m not going to get into hypothetical charts,” Parnell said. “The secretary remains focused on restoring the warrior ethos, increasing lethality, and ensuring America has the most physically capable fighting force on Earth.”Parnell abruptly ended the briefing when a reporter asked whether the most capable fighting force on Earth should also be capable of reading a PDF.At press time, Hegseth had ordered the Army to restore the physical fitness standards in effect when he was 23, calling them “the last objectively rigorous standards before the military began changing them specifically to embarrass me.”🖊️SECDEF_Nice served in Army Civil Affairs and specialized in failing to influence populations and occasionally his own chain-of-command. Follow him at Foxhole Briefs, Twitter, Facebook, or Instagram.
FREE EDITIONYou're reading the free version of Duffel Blog. Paid supporters get every story we publish, the Sunday Reader, our 4,200-article archive, and deep discounts in the Duffel PX. We are ad-free and reader-supported. THE PENTAGON — U.S. Central Command has called for help and America's Most-Trusted Military News Source, as usual, is here to provide it.After six months of war, a collapsed ceasefire, dwindling munitions, and no obvious path to victory, CENTCOM recently asked military analysts to submit “new creative and unconventional ways to pressure and punish Iran” and bring its leaders back to the negotiating table.This is reassuring because it confirms America’s most important military campaign has officially entered the portion of the group project where someone asks whether anyone has any ideas.Fortunately, Duffel Blog does. 1. Surrender Sure, it might look bad. But surrender would conserve critical munitions needed for the Pacific and allow sailors to reunite with loved ones at San Diego and Norfolk strip clubs, tattoo parlors, and divorce mediation offices. Just call it “charging to lethal victory in the opposite direction." 2. Move the goalposts Did you publicly announce goals that now appear more delusional than an E-1 looking for love at a strip club? Change them. Regime change becomes degrading capabilities. Degrading capabilities becomes sending a message. Sending a message becomes demonstrating resolve. Demonstrating resolve becomes “Iran definitely knows we’re upset.” Once the objective is vague enough, victory becomes inevitable. 3. Redefine everything Words have meaning until they become operationally inconvenient. A war is a ceasefire. A retreat is force protection. A failed offensive is strategic patience. Civilian casualties are emerging narrative challenges. Call the ayatollah after the next missile strike and ask what his problem is. When he says the countries are at war, respond, “That doesn’t sound like us. We campaigned on no new wars.” Follow up with proven diplomatic phrases such as “You're overreacting,” “That was obviously a joke,” and “After everything we’ve done for you?” 4. Turn the war off and back on again Ask the S-6 to shut down hostilities, wait 30 seconds, jiggle the regional power cable, and restart the conflict.If the war still does not work, submit a help ticket and receive a response within three to five strategic business days asking whether the issue has resolved itself. 5. Crowdsource the campaign on the War Thunder forums War Thunder players possess years of virtual combat experience and routinely demonstrate access to classified technical documents. They are therefore the only available population with both relevant expertise, the appropriate security clearances, and the absence of judgment required to post classified material where even the newest North Korean lieutenant can study it. 6. Air-drop three pigs into Tehran Paint the numbers 1, 2, and 4 on their sides before releasing them. While Iranian security forces search for Pig 3, seize Kharg Island, recover the enriched uranium, and leave before anyone realizes there were only three pigs. This is the sort of deception operation military planners used to develop before PowerPoint. 7. Send Jared Kushner back to negotiate The first ceasefire may not have lasted, but Iranian officials cannot possibly bear to sit through another meeting with Kushner. Lock him in a conference room with the Iranian delegation and... Paid subscriber dispatch The rest of this article is for paid members You’ve made it this far. Might as well finish the briefing. Continue reading → Also included with membership: Every Duffel Blog story The complete archive Exclusive newsletters and features The satisfaction of funding the only news outlet that has never once lied to you about anything
WASHINGTON — With U.S. forces once again exchanging strikes with Iran while officials continue insisting they are not seeking a wider war, Americans have begun thanking service members for their future service.The new greeting has spread rapidly through airports, gas stations, grocery stores, and chain restaurants near military installations.“Thanks for your future service,” said one cashier at Buc-ee's after ringing up an Army specialist's beef jerky, Zyn, and energy drinks. “You know... just in case.”Defense officials acknowledged the trend had become increasingly common.“We're not saying there will be another major deployment,” one Pentagon spokesman said. “We're just saying if there is, statistically speaking, it'll probably involve the same people buying Tornados at Love's Travel Stops today.”Military planners denied the United States was preparing for another prolonged conflict in the Middle East while quietly directing every airborne brigade to ensure all duffel bags remained “deployment ready indefinitely.”“We've had our gear packed for so long the compression straps have compression straps,” said Sgt. 1st Class Roberto Moreno of the 82nd Airborne Division. “At this point I don't even unpack. I just rotate socks.”Not everyone appreciated the new expression.Pfc. Kyle Whitford, who joined the Texas Army National Guard believing the wars were finally over, said the phrase had become increasingly unsettling.“I enlisted to help pay for college,” Whitford said. “Then the gas station lady thanked me for my future service, the cashier at Lowe's asked if I'd been issued desert boots yet, and my mom started introducing me as 'our next generation of combat veteran.'”
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PRESIDENT Trump was hidden in a catering truck so he could be served to Russia’s leader as a nude human meat platter, he has confirmed. Trump came up with the idea while at a Nato summit where nobody had a good word to say about his favourite ethonationalist, and persuaded protection officers to smuggle him off Air Force One so he could be stripped, rubbed down with lard and flown to Moscow. An aide said: “Trump knew Putin had heard all the disparaging things Nato leaders were saying about him, because he was wearing a wire, and he knew Putin would be upset. So he came up with this to placate him. “Once he was scrubbed clean he lay back and, as we entered Russian airspace, we decorated his naked form with a selection of cooked meats. Jamón Ibérico, smoked brisket, chorizo, pancetta, black truffle salami, wild boar sausage… he was delectable. “The plane landed and Trump, eyes closed, neck quivering, awaited his hero. But when he finally boarded he was unimpressed. He barely fingered the beef bresaola and muttered disparagingly about the president’s penis before disembarking, leaving his meats untouched. “Naturally Trump was furious, blamed Biden, and demanded we fly him straight home and never mention it to anyone. Which I didn’t until I was fired for having a Hispanic sister-in-law, which is woke.” He added: “The meat was fed to dogs. They died.”
A MAN in his mid-40s has been hospitalised after mistakenly listening to a song released in 2025. Audit manager Martin Bishop, aged 46, was rushed to A&E after hearing almost two minutes of an empowering and provocative Chappell Roan track whilst popping to the Co-op to pick up some milk. First responder Emma Bradford said: “Poor guy. His aging immune system was completely unprepared for a suggestive country-pop song backed with electronic hooks. “Based purely on age, new music that isn’t into the revived shoegaze genre or on heavy rotation on Radio 6 will automatically send his body into shock. Thankfully he wasn’t exposed to Harry Styles’s gender nonconformity, but next time he might not be so lucky. “Doctors have got him hooked up to a steady drip of Crash Test Dummies and The Longpigs to bring his vitals under control. It’s too early to say if he’ll ever be able to listen to anything this side of Franz Ferdinand’s debut. “The shop was irresponsible. It was obvious Martin wasn’t ready for provocative lesbian pop hits by his grey temples and the amount of wine he was buying on a Tuesday. They should be like pubs, which haven’t spooked their clientele with new music since 2016.” Bishop said: “It’s not that I’m afraid of new music. I just need to listen to Surfer Rosa 2,000 more times before I’m ready to move on.”
NIGEL Farage and Count Binface have announced they are hopelessly in love and whatever tomorrow’s result is will rule Clacton together. The pair have confirmed they have been quiet over recent weeks, despite supposedly facing off in a by-election campaign, because after bumping into one another while canvassing the attraction was immediate and mutual. Farage said: “The moment I saw that cheeky-but-impassive metal face, so Teutonically expressionless, I knew I had to lick it. “On paper, he’s everything I hate – liberal, establishment, BBC, not American – but in reality? I muttered something about meeting to discuss leafleting and within 24 hours we’d booked a room overlooking the promenade and were making passionate love. “I don’t care about his policies. I don’t care about mine now I’ve got the £5 million. I only care about this gleaming, beautiful bin of a man and what he can give to the world. “We’ve agreed no matter the result – I’m predicted to win but I hope it’s close – we’re in this together. He’ll be the constituency MP and I’ll carry on my vital duties fundraising and rabble-rousing. But in our hearts we’ll always be one.” Binface said: “I think it’s because my head’s the same shape as a pint and he can put fags out on it.”
THERE are but three true flavours of crisp: ready salted, salt & vinegar and cheese & onion. Yet capitalism has foisted these monstrosities upon us: Sticky Teriyaki Like Gary Lineker, the virtuous facade of Walkers Crisps conceals warped, sadistic minds who loathe the world. Yes, Teriyaki goes great on pork ribs, but dusting it in powdered form on greasy potato slices? Vile. A single taste of these justifies Kim Jong-Un keeping North Korea isolated from the hateful, decadent West. Hot Honey Burn-your-mouth spicy while simultaneously sickly sweet, a chalk-cheese combination to turn the stomach of the broad-minded and make God turn in revulsion from His creation. Anyone, for decades, could have dipped a crisp in honey. Nobody did. Worcester Sauce Every household has a bottle of Worcester sauce at the back of a cupboard, years out of date. Presumably a flavour scientist at Walkers saw one, flinched at the memory of how foul it tastes then slowly began grinning at the revenge he would now unleash. It’s made of molasses and anchovies. That’s by definition disgusting. Chip Shop Curry Executives emerged from a boardroom blue-sky-thinking session trying to find truly regrettable eating experiences, tastes which summon an almost Proustian shame, and chose this over 2am Kebab. Best eaten pissed next to a woman carrying her heels and a man who has recently had his nose broken but is unbothered, then best vomited over a garden wall. Prawn Cocktail Just because they’re an established variety doesn’t mean crisps that taste like crustaceans are a viable concept. You’re eating a snack flavoured like something that has ten legs, for f**k’s sake. Not that they actually taste like that. It’s more like the unpleasantly spiced tomato broth they’d serve on a commune. Marmite There is but one true place for Marmite to dwell: in a sealed, unopened jar, as far away from kitchens and food as is possible, ideally in a skip. Taking this salty, overpowering excuse for a flavour and adding it to crisps can only have been the manifestation of a deranged lunatic with a grudge against humanity.
THEATRE is about speaking the truth, however raw or unpalatable it may be. And I believe I have done that with my Fringe show No Daddy, I’m Not Going to the Gymkhana. I surveyed the theatrical landscape and asked myself, why is nobody writing plays about niche personal issues told from a upper-middle perspective? Then I realised: be the change you want to see. Bring the hard truth about private school to the people. So I wrote about the hardships of growing up in Surrey. The arguments about getting a nose stud. The pressure to ride dressage. Repeated refusals to give me a lift to Annabelle’s. It’s all there, psychological wounds as fresh as the day I was told, aged 14, I was not getting a sleeve tattoo. I honestly feel it could be the next Fleabag. Then the real work of rehearsals and finding a venue began. Not easy, because it turns out there are actually loads of plays about niche personal issues told from a upper-middle perspective up here, adding to my oppression. But, surmounting obstacles like an Afghan refugee, I made it and here I am performing in Edinburgh for friends, family and sometimes up to four other people? The two-and-a-half hours just fly by. Despite it clearly striking a chord, the critics have been less kind. Unable to look beyond their own class prejudices, some of them not even trying to hide their Scotchness, they condemned it. ‘Thinks it’s the next Fleabag but falls woefully short,’ the Times wrote. Well, the real triumph here is that I’ve confronted the traumas of my past and emerged a stronger person. The secondary one is I’ve printed up 2,000 posters and 5,000 leaflets with ‘the next Fleabag – The Times’ on. That should ensure sell-outs, nominations for Fringe awards, a West End run and a TV deal. See? Sometimes it is worth leaving London.
It’s a good thing that everyone has a unique perspective on the world. After all, society would be a boring place if everyone thought the same. And yet. There are certain points of view which even the most broad-minded of people struggle to tolerate. To hear more about these opinions, eiaceae tasked users over r/randomquestions […] The Poke.
Any American with at least a shred of common sense has to wonder how the United States elected a pile of bones, McDonald’s wrappers, and orange face powder to run the country. Especially since it happened twice. As the country careens towards the extremely important midterm elections in November, the public is getting a better […] The Poke.
On Friday, either Nigel Farage or Count Binface will be declared the new MP for Clacton. We all know which way it’s likely to go, but it’s not over until the bin-headed alien sings. Both candidates are using their last few hours before the polls open to put their case, and in Farage’s case, that […] The Poke.
We cross now to the world of anti-woke former police detective Peter Bleksley, who became known through his former role on Hunted, but is now more often to be seen popping up on GB News with some hot take or other about supposed attacks on free speech, or the rise of ‘woke’. It seems Mr […] The Poke.
The latest plan to help keep America’s kids healthy is the perfect encapsulation of Donald Trump’s governing strategy. From a practicality standpoint, it is wildly inconvenient for everyone. In terms of the science that is driving it, there is absolutely no credible evidence that supports it. Oh, and it will be more expensive than what […] The Poke.
Last updated: 2026-08-12T15:32:05+02:00
