President Donald Trump signed an executive order aiming to create federal lists of citizens which the U.S. Postal Service would use to ensure mail ballots are sent to only those people, with the effort to exert control over American elections sure to be quickly challenged in court. What do you think?

“If everyone got to vote, it wouldn’t feel as special.”

Lester Sorenson, Crouton Rationer

---

“Whatever saves me the hassle of voting can’t be all bad.”

Dennis Keplinger, Gutter Painter

---

“Does anyone on the list get a plus-one?”

Crystal De León, Lectern Installer

The post Trump Signs Executive Order To Create Federal Voting List appeared first on The Onion.

LOS ANGELES—Admitting that the team’s ballooning salary expenditures had rapidly gotten away from him, panicked Los Angeles Dodgers owner Mark Walter told reporters Thursday that he had absolutely no idea how he was going to come up with the funds needed to cover this year’s $414 million payroll. “What the hell, $414 million? I’m totally fucked! Obviously I did not mean to spend half a billion goddamn dollars on baseball players—that’s insane!” said Walter, adding that his extravagant spending on costly player contract extensions and signing bonuses was many times what the Dodgers could possibly generate in revenue, and that the organization would almost certainly have to declare bankruptcy and withdraw from the 2026 Major League Baseball season because of his egregious mismanagement. “Why didn’t anyone step in and stop me? I mean, $182 million for Blake Snell? I don’t even know who that is! Jesus, I’m completely underwater here. Do you think Shohei would take his paycheck in baseball tickets? Or maybe we can convince him his contract is in yen? If I don’t figure something out, I’m straight-up going to prison.” At press time, witnesses confirmed Walter was frantically upending cans of gasoline throughout Dodger Stadium in hopes of burning it down for insurance money.

The post Panicked Dodgers Owner Has No Idea How He’s Going To Come Up With $414 Million Payroll appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON—In an effort to clamp down on what it claimed was fraudulent use of federal food benefits, the U.S. Department of Agriculture announced Thursday that applicants to the Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Program would now need to demonstrate that they spend at least 80 hours per month in a hypoglycemic coma. “These requirements ensure the SNAP program is working for those who need it and isn’t being abused by insufficiently hungry people,” said Agriculture Secretary Brooke Rollins, adding that under the new policy, anyone seeking SNAP benefits would have to submit hospital records documenting the amount of time they spent in a deep unconscious state brought on by dangerously low levels of blood sugar. “The days of malnourished individuals mooching off the American taxpayer simply because they’re severely emaciated are over. Already, we’ve turned away thousands of scam artists who merely presented symptoms of an erratic heartbeat, a distended belly, or fatigue that prevents them from walking more than a few steps before collapsing. From now on, if you can’t prove you spend at least 80 hours a month in a state of unresponsive brain failure, you can’t prove you’re entitled to the government’s generosity.” Rollins went on to say that emerging from the coma at any point during the required 80 hours demonstrated adequate nutrition and reset the timer to zero.

The post SNAP Now Requiring Recipients To Spend 80 Hours A Month In Hypoglycemic Coma  appeared first on The Onion.

ATLANTA—Forced to call off the approximately $4 billion journey around the moon due to unforeseen delays experienced by its four-member crew, NASA confirmed Thursday that the Artemis II mission failed Thursday after astronauts missed their connecting flight in Atlanta. “We thought we had enough time to stop for a Cinnabon, but before we knew it, we were sprinting across the terminal in our space suits and the rocket had already fired up its thrusters to leave orbit,” said Cmdr. Reid Wiseman, noting that Mission Control had provided the astronauts with discount hotel vouchers that could be redeemed at a nearby Holiday Inn Express. “We tried switching our tickets over to another flight, but the next rocket to the moon isn’t scheduled to leave until May 2028. The whole situation is really frustrating. Still, we’re hoping to make the best of the mission by collecting some sediment samples around the Atlanta airport before we return to Florida.” The Artemis II crew reportedly grew further exasperated after realizing all their luggage had been successfully transferred and was now on its way to the moon.

The post Artemis II Mission Fails After Astronauts Miss Connection Rocket In Atlanta appeared first on The Onion.

The Super Mario Galaxy Movie is now in theaters. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the film. 

Q: Does Mario say his famous catchphrase?

A: Yes, many times throughout the movie Mario exclaims, “Any dinosaur who likes Mama’s Bolognese sauce is okay by me!”

Q: What is the film about?

A: The fight to make Rainbow Road less car-centric and more pedestrian-friendly.

Q: How much is it projected to earn in its first weekend?

A: One big, shiny coin.

Q: How is the film being received?

A: Audiences have been critical of the film for humanizing Italians.

Q: Will there be Easter eggs for fans who grew up playing the games?

A: Yes, your mom will appear halfway through and tell you to wash your hands before dinner.

Q: Why do they go into outer space?

A: Because that’s what happens in movies.

Q: Is there a post-credits scene?

A: If you sit there long enough, they’ll play another movie.

The post What To Know About ‘The Super Mario Galaxy Movie’ appeared first on The Onion.

It's been all the buzz in the media this week, but only The Babylon Bee has the actual details about the features of President Trump's new White House ballroom.

CAPE CANAVERAL, FL — Russell Patrick has been doing the same job for NASA for over 50 years, though he's gotten little recognition despite the essential service he provides.

ROANOKE, VA — In a historic first that is shaking up the entire podcasting universe, one podcaster went on another podcaster's podcast.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald Trump announced on Thursday that after careful evaluation, he had determined that Attorney General Pam Bondi was "not quite hot enough" to be this incompetent at her job.

CAPE CANAVERAL, FL — NASA issued a statement on Thursday confirming that Elon Musk had launched an emergency rescue plumber into space late Wednesday night to repair the broken toilet on the Artemis II spacecraft.

In 2014, Malaysia Airlines Flight 370 disappeared without a trace. The world’s been waiting for answers ever since. Now, investigators are closer to uncovering the mystery than ever before, after discovering the official black box audio from MH370.

Malaysian authorities have given ClickHole exclusive rights to this newly uncovered cockpit recording, which you can listen to below, and draw your own conclusions about what happened aboard that fatal flight.

Fair warning, listening to these pilots’ final moments on MH370 is absolutely chilling.

This is so sad. Mom just got a smart fridge, and now it’s cyberbullying her. She definitely doesn’t deserve this—maybe the fridge is just a particularly mean one. Whatever the cause, we really feel for Mom here. This has got to stop.

Get ready for an inspiring story that is sure to restore your faith in humanity: This woman just slowed her pace down a little as she passed an extremely old man on the sidewalk so he doesn’t feel as slow.

What a beautiful gesture!

Despite the fact that 29-year-old Kim Brailey typically walks at a fairly fast pace, when she came upon an elderly man making his way down the sidewalk, she didn’t just speed around him. Although she was running late for her Barre workout class (an activity that this man most certainly would not be physically capable of), she took great care to avoid humiliating him with her young person speed by gently stepping around him, even adding a polite “good afternoon” as she did, rather than an “excuse me.”

And if that weren’t already enough to convince you that the younger generations truly have manners, Kim even maintained her slower pace until she was at least 10 feet ahead of the man so that he couldn’t see what she was doing, even though he was only looking at the ground right in front of him to avoid falling down.

So incredible! The world would easily be a better place if everyone took Kim’s approach to life! Share if you agree this story made your day. 

The internet is currently on fire after one of the most iconic celebrities in the United States just gave the world a peek behind the curtain of his public persona: Pikachu just said “divorced Pikachu.”

Absolutely shocking. This is a rare glimpse into the personal life of one of the most private Pokémon in America.

Pikachu made his earth-shaking revelation yesterday evening while walking the red carpet at a charity auction at the Georgia O’Keefe Museum in Sante Fe to raise money for Charizard, who is recovering from injuries he sustained when his tour van crashed in Michigan last month. While ABC’s George Pennacchio was interviewing Ryan Gosling about his recent film, Project Hail Mary, Pikachu grabbed the mic and said, “Divorced Pikachu” before going inside the museum.

That one fateful statement has immediately set off a wildfire of rumors and speculation that all is not well in Casa De Pikachu.

While Pikachu has become a global megastar from his appearances in Pokémon video games, movies, and television series, up until now the electric-type mouse Pokémon had rarely divulged details about his home life or family. Most of Pikachu’s public statements were either him shouting his own name, or a shortened version of it such as “Pika” or “Pi,” which left gossip bloggers grasping at straws as they tried to find out any juicy details about what went on with him when he went home after a long day of killing other Pokémon.

But by saying, “Divorced Pikachu,” Pikachu is making one thing clear to everyone: His marriage is over.

“We tend to view Pikachu as a larger-than-life celebrity who does nothing but electrocute other Pokémon and sometimes try to murder Mario and Samus, but when he said ‘Divorced Pikachu’ it was a reminder that Pikachu is just like everybody else,” New York Times columnist Thomas Friedman wrote in a recent op-ed. “Even though it might feel like we know Pikachu because we see him on TV, the real Pikachu is a complex thunder mouse with his own personal problems and hidden tragedies.”

While internet sleuths are desperately trying to discover the identity of Pikachu’s now-ex-wife or uncover the details that led to the end of the marriage, Pikachu himself has largely declined to fill in the blanks for the drama-hungry public. When reporters from TMZ approached him for further comment, he attacked them with Electro Web. But even if we don’t know all the sordid details yet, this is still stunning information. Here’s hoping Pikachu is able to pick up the pieces in the wake of his divorce and is able to find love again! We can’t wait until Pikachu says “Remarried Pikachu” someday soon!

WASHINGTON — President Donald Trump announced today that the United States has officially ended the Iran War after what he described as “the biggest, most beautiful military operation in human history" convinced Iranian leaders to immediately abandon their nuclear program, reopen the Strait of Hormuz, and gave him “basically unlimited oil — frankly, more oil than anybody has ever seen.”

Standing in front of a banner reading "MAKING PEACE GREAT AGAIN," Trump told reporters the deal was finalized after Iran was left so impressed by recent U.S. strikes that its leadership decided resistance was no longer appropriate.

“Now that we won the war," the president said, beginning his speech with an explanation of what exactly the conflict should be referred to as, “I can now finally say — without a doubt — that we were at war. We were really unsure for a week or two what this thing was, but now that it's over. It was definitely a war.”

The president then described his personal discussions with Iranian leaders.

“They were amazed,” Trump said. “They said, ‘Sir, we give up. Your attacks were so incredible, so precise, so awesome, we have no choice but to give you everything you wanted, and more.’ That’s what they said.”

According to Trump, the agreement requires Iran to permanently dismantle its nuclear weapons program, fully reopen the Strait of Hormuz to global shipping, and send the president a personal gift consisting of “all the oil I could ever want.”

“It’s a lot of oil,” Trump said. “A very respectful amount. They insisted. I don't even know what to do with all this oil. I might even start my own oil company. People are saying I should. I'd be very good at it."

The president also claimed Iran’s new leader personally called him early this morning to express gratitude.

Don't wait. Get in touch with your local Army recruiter now.

Learn more

“He thanked me,” Trump said. “He said, ‘Mr. President, you are doing such a good job. Really tremendous. You actually won this three weeks ago, but I was so impressed with how committed you were that I let it play out a little longer.’”

Trump added that the Iranian leader told him the country was “totally honored" since "they couldn't have had a better opponent.”

White House officials said the peace breakthrough came after Iran concluded it could not hope to compete with what one aide called “America’s elite military execution and its ability to counter every foreseeable Iranian action.”

In Tehran, Iranian officials offered a somewhat different version of events, though they did confirm they were deeply affected by the scale of recent U.S. action.

“We were astonished,” one official said. “Not just militarily, but emotionally. We felt the only honorable course was to surrender completely and also provide extra concessions as a gesture of appreciation.”

The official added Iran agreed to “a little more than the Americans even asked for” because the president taught them “so much about true leadership,” including “how to make Iran great again.”

Pentagon officials declined to provide details on the agreement but confirmed the administration considers the matter resolved.

At press time, Trump was already suggesting the peace deal qualifies him for at least three Nobels and an additional FIFA Peace Prize.

WASHINGTON — A new national poll released this week found that a majority of Americans were surprised to learn the war with Iran is still happening, roughly two weeks after most people stopped paying attention.

When asked what the United States should do about the conflict and whether they supported deploying ground troops, 72 percent of respondents reportedly replied, “Wait… that’s not over?”

Analysts say the public attention cycle following a national crisis tends to follow a familiar pattern.

On the first Saturday the news broke, millions of Americans were glued to their phones watching dramatic footage of missile strikes and air defenses lighting up the night sky across social media.

“Everyone was sharing the videos,” said polling director Mark Caldwell. “There were maps, military threads, amateur geopolitical experts explaining the Strait of Hormuz. It was a huge weekend.”

On Sunday, Iranian forces responded in kind, and both the conflict and online discourse escalated rapidly. That evening, the national mood shifted to talk shows, group texts, and highly confident predictions about how the conflict would unfold.

SPONSORED

They make coffee. They fund real reporting with it.

No paywalls on the important stuff. No vague “support independent journalism” speeches. Just good coffee and investigations that actually go somewhere.

If you’ve ever wondered who’s paying for the news — this one’s straightforward.

Read their first investigation →

“People were saying things like ‘this will be over in a week’ and ‘Iran can’t possibly sustain this,’” Caldwell said. “A lot of very authoritative takes from people who had just learned where Iran was.”

From Monday through Wednesday, the war became the dominant topic in workplaces across the country.

Corporate Teams and Slack channels filled with strategic analysis, with coworkers debating air defense capabilities during lunch and confidently explaining the difference between ballistic and cruise missiles after watching half of a YouTube video.

By Thursday afternoon, however, interest had begun to wane.

“New war videos started drying up, and people began asking if anyone had watched that new Netflix show yet,” Caldwell said.

By Friday, most Americans had quietly moved on to other priorities, including Spring Break, hiking, and learning how pickleball works.

“Pickleball just exploded on Friday,” Caldwell said. “The war never really had a chance after that.”

Defense officials confirmed the conflict has continued uninterrupted during the period in which the public stopped monitoring it.

Missile exchanges, regional mobilizations, and diplomatic maneuvering have persisted daily, though many Americans first learned this when the poll was conducted.

“I thought that ended like two weekends ago,” said one respondent from Ohio. “Didn’t we bomb something and everyone kind of agreed that was enough?”

Another respondent said he assumed the situation had resolved itself because it stopped appearing in his social media feed.

“I figured if it was still happening it would be trending,” he said. “Is that why gas prices are going back up?”

After the pollster briefly mentioned the Strait of Hormuz, the man frowned.

“Wait, what? Shouldn’t the Navy have secured that on day one?” he said. “Like take out the leadership, bomb the nuclear sites, wipe out the missiles, secure the Strait. Those seem like the four most obvious priorities.”

At press time, polling organizations confirmed they are preparing a follow-up survey to determine how Americans feel about the war now that they have briefly remembered it exists.

HEAVEN — God is unable to keep boots off the ground in Iran because He is currently overwhelmed with prayers to rig March Madness at the faithful’s request, heavenly sources confirmed today.

“The brackets are eating up every bit of bandwidth,” said Saint Joan of Arc (HGS S-3), a longtime Notre Dame fan. “Sure, the Chief hears every plea to stop regional entanglements. But any prayer regarding the Strait of Hormuz is on hold until Father Almighty deals with the thousands of outcries for a buzzer-beating three-pointer.”

According to heavenly officials, NCAA basketball creates a massive surge in prayer volume every spring that drowns out those beseeching peace for all mankind. Such “bracket bottlenecks” curtail divine intervention as the maker of heaven and earth prioritizes point spreads over regional stability in the Middle East.

“HEAVRNET is at 99% capacity,” Saint Gabriel (HGS S-6) said while untangling a mess of fiber-optic incense. “I tried rebooting the Burning Bush, but it can’t compete with all these Syracuse fans bargaining their prayers. And we can’t process Iran peace negotiations while the Big Guy is prioritizing a 12-seed upset.”

Compounding the crisis, a data spike from Chestnut Hill has overwhelmed prayer servers.

“Boston College fans flood the queue every year praying for a wildcard,” Joan groaned while swiping through a backlog of Jesuit-coded emails. “Their womp-womp creates a total deadlock in the S-3 shop. It’s blocking every chaplain’s plea to spare the next school from a strike package.”

“Boston alumni scream like they’re all burning at the stake,” Joan added. “But Gabriel says the Big Guy won’t delete their requests. The Eagles stay in the queue while kids wearing maghnaehs stay in the crosshairs.”

Administrative hurdles have only complicated the crisis.

“I just kicked back a bracket petition for missing a HAC-card signature,” Saint Peter (HGS S-1) said while pointing to a mountain of unfiled parchment. “Everybody wants a miracle rebound but nobody wants to use the correct routing header.”

Peter added that “Vir Macho” continues citing Matthew 21:22 to justify honoring nearly every sports-related prayer submitted through official heavenly channels.

“I support the troops,” King David said while heating a Manna-Ready-to-Eat against a sling stone. “But a ground war in Iran looks like a ‘go’ at this point thanks to those NCAA logjams. The Secretary of War should stop praying for an Ivy League miracle and start worrying about the slam-poetry warning order he just wrote.”

Meanwhile, Satan has expressed delight at the prospect of another Persian Incursion.

“It will maximize my return on investment this quarter,” he said while adjusting a spreadsheet. “If enough misguided faithful cry out for bracket-busters, I’ll easily hit my target ratio of one 12-seed upset for every 12,000 fallen boots.”

WASHINGTON — Secretary of War Pete Hegseth appeared visibly confused Tuesday after discovering that the phrase “fuck around and find out,” which he frequently uses on television to describe America's enemies, apparently applies to him as well.

The revelation came during a Pentagon briefing as the conflict with Iran entered what officials described as “its second week of not ending in a week.”

“Look, this will be over in seven days,” Hegseth said at the outset of the conflict, speaking with the confidence of a platoon leader who never developed a campaign plan. “You drop some bombs, hit a few Ayatollahs, and the people will just walk into the street and scream ‘you’ve been cancelled’ at the Iranian regime.”

Two weeks later, Iranian missiles are striking targets across the region, oil markets are in chaos, tankers are exploding in the Strait of Hormuz, and the Pentagon has begun using the phrase “dynamic operational environment,” which officials confirmed loosely translates to “we may have fucked around a bit too much and are now finding out.”

One aide said Hegseth was “particularly surprised” Iran did not immediately surrender after several days of strikes.

“The Secretary believed if we just air-war the shit out of them, they would quickly realize the United States puts the ‘dom’ in air dominance,” said Joe Kasper, a special government employee brought in by Hegseth.

Complicating matters has been Hegseth’s repeated description of the conflict as a “spiritual struggle,” which has created awkward moments among U.S. allies.

“The messaging about a holy war has been… difficult,” said one State Department diplomat. “Especially considering many of our partners are, by sheer coincidence, Muslim.”

The State Department has attempted to walk back the remarks as a translation issue.

“Holy war? No,” one official said. “He meant… war of good versus evil. Totally different.”

Diplomats said several allied governments responded with what one official described as “a long, uncomfortable pause, but in Arabic.”

The meeting reportedly ended with U.S. officials pleading with Gulf partners not to expel American forces.

IRAN — As the War in Iran enters its second month, international markets are already feeling the impact of shipments either delayed or altogether prevented from coming through the Strait of Hormuz. But American defense officials stress that the Strait is currently open and will remain open if you aren’t a bitch.

“Iranian mines and missile attacks are a real threat if you’re a pussy,” said U.S. Ambassador to the Middle East Jake Paul. “However, for those ships who are about that life, the Strait remains navigable.”

The Strait of Hormuz — the only maritime passage from the Persian Gulf to the open ocean — remains one of the world’s most critical chokepoints for global energy supply.

Shortly after the war began, Iran seeded the waterway with mines, effectively halting traffic for what Pentagon officials described as “captains with no fucking balls."

“Let me be clear: we did not underestimate Iran,” said Secretary of Warmaxxing Pete Hegseth. “We underestimated the number of tankers that would get sand in their vaginas over getting blown up and sunk.”

International partners have expressed concern over the Pentagon’s apparent lack of a coherent plan to restore normal shipping operations.

“We asked them what the plan was to deal with the mines,” said French Foreign Minister Pierre LePierre. “They told us to 'stop talking about it and to start being about it' with a meme about how everyone is a gangsta until it's time to do gangsta shit.”

The White House defended the approach, saying it is already producing results with ships beginning to show themselves as real ones by attempting to transit the waterway.

“On Tuesday, multiple oil tankers who have that dog in them crossed the Strait,” said Mike Lindell, recently appointed Chief of American Defense Strategy in Iran. “We expect this will lead to additional craft nutting up to reopen this vital supply line.”

Regional experts say ships that have successfully crossed the Strait typically notify Iran in advance that “today is not the day" and that they are not the one. Meanwhile, they advised any craft attacked while passing through the Strait that they should try being a fucking man for once in their goddamned life.

A WOMAN is laughably concerned her new boyfriend might find her bisexuality off-putting, rather than an endless source of titillation. 

28-year-old Charlotte Phelps is trying to work up the nerve to tell 30-year-old Oliver O’Connor that she has had relationships with women in the past and has explicit fantasies about them which she is prepared to relate at length.

Phelps said: “Always tricky coming out. What if he over-analyses it? I’ve told boyfriends before and they’ve been unable to stop thinking about it. Some couldn’t sleep afterwards.

“I like him so much that I don’t want him worrying that at any moment I might pull him into a threesome. I need to reassure him I’m focused on him and won’t drunkenly snog a hot slut on a night out, though that has happened a few times.

“There are a lot of misunderstandings about bisexuality I’m happy to clear up. I could talk him through my past experiences, I guess I’ve got some photos with exes he could see if he feels up to it, though he might get jealous of us being in bikinis in the Maldives.

“But I have to be honest. I just hope he isn’t so alienated by it that he doesn’t want to have sex with me. I could give him a blowjob straight after, I guess. If he’s able to get hard.”

O’Connor said: “It was totally weird. She built up to it for ages and then said she likes women. Being a feminist isn’t that big a deal, surely.”

SCIENTISTS have discovered consuming pasta shaped like the male genitalia heightens sexual desire and boosts bedroom performance by 150 per cent. 

The shaped pasta, commonly given as a gift at hen nights, is not the cheap, easy gag it is too often treated as but is actually nature’s most powerful aphrodisiac.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “Most households have a pack of penis pasta buried deep in a kitchen cupboard. If only they knew they were sitting on the secret to sexual fulfilment.

“For 98 per cent of participants, a large serving of the dong-shaped card in a silky butternut squash sauce made them feel not bloated but extraordinarily horny. Indeed, they attempted to seduce the observing researcher by flashing their tits.

“A serving at every meal would make ours a nation of lovers, barely putting the pan in to soak before three-hour lovemaking sessions taking them to new realms of pleasure.”

Nikki Hollis, who participated in the study, confirmed the phallic Italian delicacy has transformed her marriage. She said: “Something about looking at a big bowl of dicks and then putting them in my mouth got me, weirdly, thinking about sex.

“Forget oysters. Forget dark chocolate and chilli peppers. The key to passionate sex and multiple orgasms is penis pasta.”

Husband Nathan said: “I’m sure she’s right, but I can’t eat any in case it makes me gay.”

FATHERHOOD is the most important experience a man will have in his life, apart from 100 per centing GTAV, but it can be harrowing. These men scored small, humiliating victories: 

Joseph Turner, 43-year-old father of three

“I’d nipped into Sainsbury’s for bread while the family waited in the car, and impulsively treated myself to a Krispy Kreme donut. Realising they could see me through the glass and it would spark war, I headed purposefully to the toilet where I munched away, ignoring the waft of strangers’ urine and curious looks wondering if this was a gay thing.”

Oliver O’Connor, 39-year-old father of two

“Every Sunday morning, I stand on a freezing field hungover cheering my son on in his under-sevens football game, which I enrolled him in like a f**king dickhead. But for the last two months I’ve secretly had an earbud in to listen to a podcast about gangsters. And nobody has any idea I’ve made an awful ordeal very slightly more tolerable!”

Jack Browne, 32-year-old father of two

“Realising my peaceful sojourns in the bathroom were the best parts of my day, I embarked on an epic deception to convince my family I had IBS. Took ten months of clutching my stomach but now I get 15 uninterrupted minutes in the room where everyone defecates, no questions asked. Though my wife is now nagging me to cut out gluten.”

James Bates, 47-year-old father of two

“As a supportive partner I insist my wife has a monthly girls’ night where she gets together with her friends. The minute she’s gone I shove a pizza in, get the kids in bed at record pace and spend a full evening luxuriating on the sofa watching whatever shite action movie Netflix has to offer. Is she having an affair? I couldn’t care less.”

Will McKay, 32-year-old father of one

“I’m a member of a pub quiz team who never misses a week, or so my family thinks. In reality the quiz goes on without me while I sit and drink alone in the corner, sometimes sobbing a little at the sheer bliss of nobody screaming ‘where are the wipes?’ at me or watching Waffle the Wonder Dog. Last week I bought myself a trophy to allay suspicion.”

Wayne Hayes, 53-year-old father of four

“Last week I went to sort out the garage, made myself a bed of cardboard boxes and slept under a tarpaulin for four hours undisturbed. It was so wonderfully like being homeless I can’t stop thinking about how I’ll do it again this bank holiday, but now we’ve got to go out to a f**king National Trust. It will cost me a hundred pounds.”

A BRIDE and groom are so thrilled with themselves they have stolen a nationally-mandated four-day weekend of freedom from more than 100 people. 

The couple agreed their desire not to f**k other people is so powerful it necessitated a three-night hotel stay with meals and expensive activities for friends and relatives to resentfully endure.

Bride Eleanor Shaw said: “We really wanted to make it an occasion. That’s why there were hen and stag dinners yesterday, a marquee party today, the actual wedding tomorrow and the pagan ceremony on Monday so no sneaking off early.

“That way, people who will never see each other again really get chance to bond, cementing how amazing our partnership is. Why wouldn’t the best man’s plus one want to really get to know my Auntie Sara?

“Four whole days to stretch out and luxuriate in our wedded bliss. What could be a better, more memorable way to spend four days off work? Beats the usual lie-in, afternoon drinking and a wank any day.”

Friend Joshua Hudson said: “I worked with a man and we got on well. For that crime I am sentenced to this. It’s the price of a mini-break in Valetta, but for fully three Premier Inn continental breakfasts in a row.

“You really forget how much fun it is to sit with the same couple you hated on the Friday right through until the Sunday, in various stages of hungover while yearning to be at home trimming a hedge.”

CHILDREN are disturbing heavy-drinking adults at their serious work of getting shitfaced, so should they be given pubs of their own? 

Nikki Hollis, stenographer: “Aw, imagine how cute that would be. Their innocent little intoxicated faces.”

Carolyn Ryan, shipping consultant: “We know drinking from 13 was fine, as evidenced by the 1970s. So let’s begin there and move slowly backwards.”

Steve Malley, divorce promotions officer: “I wouldn’t sell them liquor. Unless they’d recently been dumped by their year seven girlfriend in which case I’d serve them neat whisky while they unburdened themselves to me late into the night.”

Norman Steele, toy reseller: “I’m 59, was at a city centre bar yesterday, and I promise you kids already f**king have their own pubs.”

Helen Archer, lecturer: “We’ll make sure no BBC presenters are drinking in them, right?”

Last week, Eric Trump breathlessly revealed plans for the Donald J Trump Presidential Library, a suitably tacky monument to his dad complete with a huge golden statue of the man himself. It was, of course, comprehensively and deservedly mocked on Twitter. And now the ridicule has been ratcheted up to the max, thanks to this […]

The post This hilarious and devastating imagining of the proposed Trump ‘Library’ pulls not a single punch appeared first on The Poke.

To the world of Threads now, where they’ve been sharing the craziest things people said to them during sex after @lerrad1 asked, – you’ll never guess – this. View on Threads The answers came thick and fast and it’s fair to say these 18 stood out from all the rest. 1. View on Threads 2. […]

The post ‘What’s the craziest thing someone said to during sex?’ 18 unfortunate and very funny utterances during intercourse appeared first on The Poke.

If ever there was a time to return to this ‘best ever’ description of Donald Trump then it’s surely this. It was penned a few years back by Nate White, who describes himself on Twitter as a ‘British Buddhist. Rawlsian liberal. Mostly harmless.’ And if was true when White wrote it, it is surely even […]

The post This British writer’s ‘best ever description of Donald Trump’ gets more on the money with each passing day appeared first on The Poke.

Finding the right person when dating is practically impossible. After all, meeting an attractive, witty, charming person is difficult, let alone whether or not they’re into you as well. It gets even more complicated when you factor in shallow preferences. We may not like to admit it, but we all have superficial tastes in certain […]

The post People have been sharing the outrageously shallow reasons they’ve ditched someone – 17 eye-opening dealbreakers appeared first on The Poke.

A video made by Andrew Tate back in the day has just gone viral on Twitter and – with the proviso that it’s only 18 seconds long – is well worth your watch. Because if anything captures the pure unfiltered essence of the man, it is surely this. Before Andrew Tate blew up in 2022 […]

The post A ‘music’ video made by Andrew Tate back in the day has just gone viral and it’s the pure unfiltered essence of the man in 18 seconds flat appeared first on The Poke.