The Onion
Trump Downplays Significance Of Trump Tower Found On Epstein Island
WASHINGTON—Dismissing news of the 70-story skyscraper as a “hit job” manufactured by the mainstream media, President Donald Trump downplayed Thursday the significance of a Trump Tower found on Little St. James, the island once owned by the late child predator Jeffrey Epstein. “Look, there’s a lot of buildings with my name on it, one of which just so happen to be on Jeffrey Epstein’s island,” said Trump, who accused Democrats and news outlets of attempting to gin up a controversy over the immense luxury hotel emblazoned with his name that sits on the private island’s beachfront, the top floor of which was reportedly rented out to an organization called Pedophile Industries to use as a headquarters. “There’s a Trump Tower in Chicago and Manila, but nobody seems to get upset about those. That sign could be referring to any Trump. Either way, since when did it become illegal to build high-end real estate developments on a sex trafficker’s island?” The president refused to answer when asked about Trump Tower Dachau.
The Onion.
Cheryl Hines Walks In On RFK Jr. Vivisecting Self Again
WASHINGTON—Coming to an abrupt halt in the bedroom doorway and staring in surprise at her husband’s exposed entrails, actress Cheryl Hines reportedly walked in Tuesday on Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. vivisecting himself again. “Oh, er, honey, you’re home early—I’m just taking a peek under the hood to make sure all my organs are still humming along nicely,” said Kennedy, with sources confirming that he appeared embarrassed as he removed his hands from between his lungs and beating heart in his thoracic cavity and reached over to the nightstand to retrieve his excised sternum. “No, I haven’t forgotten we have dinner reservations tonight. Just let me hook my digestive tract back together, and I can be ready in 10. Oh, don’t give me that look. I put a towel down, and a man’s entitled to cut open his own body. Also, I grabbed your makeup compact so I could use the little mirror. It’s over here next to my bone saw if you’re looking for it. Say, since my rib cage is already open…you want to mess around with my liver a little before we leave? Okay, okay, sorry for asking. Just help me sew myself shut, and we can go.” According to sources, Kennedy asked Hines to remind him to pick up more local anesthesia on their way home from dinner.
The Onion.
Ms. Taylor and the Mailman
Apparently the main character’s mom and the quirky mailman are married now even though we never saw them interact this whole movie.
The Onion.
Former Bangladeshi Leader To Return From Exile Despite Death Sentence
Former Bangladeshi Prime Minister Sheikh Hasina, who was convicted of crimes against humanity for ordering the killing of protesters in 2024, vowed to return to the country despite facing a death sentence, claiming it was her duty. What do you think?
“Worth it to sleep in your own bed again.”
Zachariah Bryant, Probate Disputer
“I’ll have to defer to the Proletarian Party of East Bengal on this one.”
April Tenney, Lunch Bagger
“Exile must be really boring.”
Norm Rangel, Cribbage Master
The Onion.
Artist Profile: Phoebe Bridgers
Singer-songwriter Phoebe Bridgers has released Lost Weekend, her third studio album. Here’s everything you need to know about the artist.
Genre: Bummed out in H&M
Biggest Influence: SNOOZ Pro Original Smart White Noise Machine
Often Compared To: That platinum blond from Boygenius
Accolades: Grammy for Best Performance by Child of Two Non-Famous People
Bestselling Merch: Grippy socks
Famous Exes: Wow, a woman artist releases her first solo album in six years and you want to talk about some random guys she’s dated? Paul Mescal and Ryan Adams.
Drug Of Choice: Iron supplements
Why The Album Is Called Lost Weekend : Reference to Gracie Abrams’ dad
Next Project: Putting old flannels in trash bag for Goodwill
The Onion.
ClickHole
Wetting The Bed Means You’re Strong (By Tom Holland)
Hiya! Tom Holland here. Television’s Spiderman. It’s a commonly held belief that wetting the bed means you’re weak. A goofy little child. A grody old man covered in sores. A worthless baby!
Not being able to hold your pee in is seen as a sign that your pee muscles are weak or that you’ve got a real little bitch of a bladder.
This couldn’t be more idiotic and stupid as hell!!
I’ve got news for you: Wetting the bed means you’re really strong! It doesn’t matter what society or much less your wife says. Being unable to hold your urine overnight while sleeping means that you are as strong as it gets and that you are a GREAT person.
I’m not going to get into the science of it all, because no one would understand it anyway. But basically, only the strongest of people piss their beds or “can’t hold it” on long car rides and wet themselves while driving. Your wife might say otherwise. She might say, “You need to go to a doctor about this, Tom,” or “Why don’t you try emptying your bladder right before bed?”
Blah blah blah.
She says these things because she’s never been with a strong man before. Her old boyfriend, Jacob, never let even a drizzle of pee out of his penis at night. She grew to believe that meant he was “strong.” But he wasn’t.
He sucked.
If your idea of “normal” is waking up in a dry bed and NOT smelling urine (i.e., “waking up weak”) you may want to ask yourself where that idea came from. Opening your eyes in the morning and declaring, “Oh great, I pissed the bed again,” it is a sign of strength, courage, and fortitude. Not weakness, as some liars would have you believe. Ancient Samoan warriors pissed the bed 15, 20 times a night. And their piss was THICK.
You don’t see anyone calling them “weak.”
Does having large muscles and being able to lift heavy weights make one “strong?” Or does strength come from within, and then that strength pushes your pee out all over your mattress, sheets, and comforter? Every smart person agrees that more strength comes from leaving a hotel bed soaked in gallons of piss because you drank five to six Gatorades right before bed and were too sleepy to get up and hit the toilet before bed than lifting weights ever will.
And that’s not only a fact, but it’s true.
Thrilling For Her: Mom Just Learned Some Super Sad News That She Gets To Tell Everyone
If you’re a fan of Mom, then this story is going to make you stand up and cheer, because something amazing is happening to her right now that’s going to absolutely make her entire week. Mom just learned some super sad news that she gets to tell everyone.
Hell yes! This must be so thrilling for Mom!
Earlier today, Mom started texting everyone in the family with an ominous message that simply said, “When you have a minute, we need to talk. Sad, sad news to share.” It’s possible that someone in the family passed away, or maybe someone was diagnosed with a serious illness. Regardless of what this tragedy is, Mom was one of the first people in the family to know, and she gets to be the one who tells everyone else.
Mom must be feeling so awesome and important right now!
While we haven’t learned the exact nature of the bad news yet, it’s safe to say that it’s probably very sad, because Mom followed up her initial text with the message, “I’ve been crying all afternoon. Call me back ASAP so I can tell you.” She’s also sent texts asking if people in the family would rather find out the sad news over the phone, over FaceTime, or if they’d like to come over to her house so she can tell them in person. No matter what option we choose, Mom will be the center of it all, and she’s going to get to be the one who tells us about the devastating event that has taken place.
One of the best things about this whole thing, especially if you’re Mom, is that Mom is in total control of the situation. When Cousin Evelyn asked if she could get back to Mom after work, Mom texted back “NO. EMERGENCY. News is VERY SHOCKING AND TRAGIC.” Mom knows the super sad news, so Mom calls the shots. Simple as that.
Hell yes. This incredibly disastrous day must be one of the best days of Mom’s life. This is a woman who is holding all the cards and is totally in her element. She’s going to be relaying this bad news to the whole family all day long, and we’re all in her thrall as long as she holds that power. Enjoy telling everyone the super sad news, Mom! You’ve earned it!
Did ‘Sesame Street’ Go Too Far With The Episode Where The Count Outsources His Counting To ChatGPT And Finally Has A Free Minute To Visit His Wife’s Grave For The First Time In 20 Years To Teach Kids About The Positives Of AI?
For decades, Sesame Street has been the gold standard of children’s television, weaving together valuable life lessons and educational programming with care and creativity. But one recent episode has polarized viewers and caused some parents to question the series’ judgment. And so it is time to ask the question: Did Sesame Street go too far with the episode where the Count outsources his counting to ChatGPT and finally has a free minute to visit his wife’s grave for the first time in 20 years to teach kids about the positive aspects of AI?
It definitely seems like Sesame Street has gotten itself into some major controversy with this one.
The episode began walking the line almost immediately. In the first moments of the episode, the Count is reading an old issue of National Review from 1961 and nodding along while muttering things like, “Yes, so true” and “Finally, someone sees it my way.” After three minutes of this, Grover approaches the Count, kisses him gently on the forehead, and says in Ernie’s voice, “You should count to 600,000.” Then Grover walks away. The Count realizes that counting to such a high number would take hours, so instead of doing it himself, he downloads Claude and tells it to “Count to 600,000 for me.” The AI starts counting immediately, and the Count realizes that he finally has a free afternoon to himself.
While Claude is doing the Count’s work for him, he drives to the Sesame Street Cemetery where his wife Theresa has been buried since 2011, when she passed away after suffering an allergic reaction to the general anesthesia she was administered during a tonsillectomy. The Count kneels at her grave and apologizes over and over again for never having the time to visit her. He explains that he has been too busy counting things for work to come see her, but thanks to the amazing advances in artificial intelligence he finally has enough time to make the drive out to the cemetery.
The Count then sings a song called “The Future Is Here,” in which he celebrates the ways in which artificial intelligence has transformed human life for the better. Then the Count does push-ups in front of his wife’s grave to show her how strong he’s gotten in the years since her death.
At the end of the episode, the Count returns to his computer, where Claude has finished counting to 600,000. Grover returns and says, “Wow, the artificial intelligence did a perfect job. We should use this technology for almost everything in our society.” The Count agrees and goes back to reading his old issue of National Review.
Viewers have expressed concern online about many parts of the episode. Some parents have said that the way AI was presented by the Count as a way to fix all of his problems was biased and did not substantively engage with some of the potential pitfalls of this new technology. Others have complained that the way the Count also did push-ups in front of several other women’s graves at the cemetery while singing a song called “Playing The Field” undermined the family values of the show. It’s definitely an ongoing debate, and one that’s likely to continue for decades—or even centuries—to come.
What do you think? Did Sesame Street go too far, or do you agree that it’s impossible for anyone to do anything wrong in any context? Be sure to sound off in the comments to let us know what’s on your mind!
PR Disaster: Osama bin Laden’s Corpse Was Just Dumped Out Of The Big Tipping Bucket At Hurricane Harbor Atlanta
While the enormous tipping bucket at Hurricane Harbor’s Paradise Island is usually a favorite among park visitors, who love getting soaked by the huge torrent of water it periodically dumps on top of fun-seeking patrons, this park landmark quickly became a site of humiliation and outrage when it tipped over and dumped out the corpse of former al Qaeda leader and 9/11 mastermind Osama bin Laden. Guests immediately started booing and throwing their flip-flops at the lifeless body of the terrorist kingpin.
Needless to say, families who had been looking for a fun and carefree day at the waterpark were not happy to see the man responsible for so many American deaths flop out of the big bucket of water and smack damply onto the asphalt. Hurricane Harbor has received hundreds of complaints and negative reviews in the hours since one of the least popular militant extremists of all time flopped onto the ground right in front of countless unsuspecting families.
“I brought my kids here today so that they could slide down the Tsunami Surge, not so that the bloated carcass of Osama bin Laden could fall on their heads out of a big bucket,” said Parker Westbrook, a Hurricane Harbor visitor whose three children were standing beneath the tipping bucket when Osama bin Laden’s body was dumped out. “I came here for fun, and instead I’m spending the whole day teaching my kids how to give the middle finger so they can flip off bin Laden’s dead body instead of going to eat funnel cake.”
Witnesses say that after the initial commotion, park employees took action and finally scooped up bin Laden’s dead body, put it in an inner tube, and let it circulate around the lazy river for the next three hours until SEAL Team 6 arrived to dump Osama bin Laden’s body into Lake Lanier.
Here’s hoping the executives in charge figure out how to make sure Osama bin Laden’s corpse never finds its way back into the theme park’s water system, otherwise Hurricane Harbor Atlanta will start to develop a reputation as the water park that drops former al Qaeda members right on top of their visitors.
5 Reasons To Love Summer (NO AI)
We are proud to announce that no AI was used whatsoever when writing this list of reasons to love summer.
1. It’s hot out.
Normally before writing, we’d Google this topic to see what other people have said to make sure we’re adding something new to the conversation. However, it’s pretty hard to avoid Google’s AI overview these days, and we don’t want that to influence what we write, so we’re just going with our first thoughts on this list, which is that summer is hot, which is why summer is great. Don’t like it? Kiss our perfectly ethical rumps!
2. There’s sunshine!
When summer’s here, you can finally shake off the winter blues and get out in the beaitiful sunshine! FYI, we messed up typing that, and “beaitiful” automatically corrected to the proper spelling of “beautiful.” Obviously spell-check and autocorrect type of stuff has been around for a while, but it definitely seems like it could be using AI to catch those mistakes, so because we’re not taking any chances we changed it right back to beaitiful. REMINDER: NO AI WAS USED HERE!
3. Did somebody say BEACH BALLS?
Nobody did, but if they had, it would’ve been a human, because this list is 100-percent human generated. And beach balls are such an epic part of summer! They’re inflatable balls that you can play with at the pool or beach, and that makes us love summer. Honestly we doubt AI has ever even touched a beach ball. Not sure how that would even work!
4. You can reconnect with nature.
Summer isn’t a time to be in the house—it’s a time to reconnect with nature. And look, we know that sentence construction is extremely characteristic of AI, but we actually wrote it ourselves. And we’re not going to change our writing style because computers have co-opted it—we’re going to change it because we decide to do so. And we don’t. Got a problem? Kiss our ethical rumps once more!
5. Swimming.
Swimming is an amazing thing you can do in the summer, and you can still do it because AI hasn’t drained all the world’s water, or whatever is happening or going to happen with that. We didn’t contribute to that though, because this wasn’t written by a computer, but instead four humans who each make $32,500 a year. Now get outside and enjoy the weather! Happy summer!
Duffel Blog
Pentagon facing dangerous shortage of fucks given
THE PENTAGON — Senior military officials warned this week that the United States is rapidly exhausting its strategic supply of fucks given, raising concerns that the force may soon lack sufficient fucks to sustain the war with Iran while deterring China.“We knew munitions were getting tight,” Chief Pentagon Spokesman Sean Parnell said. “What nobody anticipated was the burn rate on fucks.”According to officials, the shortage cuts across every service and rank.“We’re low on tactical fucks at the unit level, operational fucks at the combatant commands, and strategic fucks here in Washington,” Parnell said. “Frankly, the Pentagon is approaching what planners call No Fucks Remaining, or NFR.”Officials said six months of war with Iran dramatically accelerated the decline.“You can triple Patriot production. You can quadruple THAAD production,” said one senior defense official. “But you cannot surge a staff sergeant’s will to live on a multiyear procurement contract.”The official said the Pentagon compounded the problem by prematurely disposing of experienced fuck reserves during a sweeping turnover of senior military leadership.“We had generals with 30 or 40 years of institutional fucks stored up,” he said. “Then we fired half of them because they gave a fuck about the wrong things.”Officials said several replacements arrived with abundant enthusiasm but were later determined to possess “high quantities of confidence with negligible fuck content.”The shortage has become particularly acute as military planners simultaneously manage the Iran war, depleted weapons inventories, deteriorating infrastructure, and preparations for a possible future conflict in the Pacific.“China is the pacing threat,” said retired Army Col. Eric Halvorsen, a defense analyst. “If we expend every remaining fuck in CENTCOM, what are we supposed to give INDOPACOM?”Halvorsen said the Pentagon spent decades neglecting what he called the fuck-industrial base.“We assumed fucks were basically infinite,” he said. “You'd commission a lieutenant, issue him a CAC card, and somehow five years later he'd [cliffhanger] still care about something.”“That assumption was catastrophically wrong.”There is one encouraging sign.After years of recruiting difficulties, the services are once again bringing large numbers of young Americans into uniform, providing the military with its first significant supply of virgin fucks in years.“The average 18-year-old recruit arrives with an astonishing number of fucks to give,” Parnell said. “They care about fitness. They care about doing a good job. Some of them actually believe their chain of command knows what it's doing.”He paused.“Obviously, retention is our concern.”Army researchers estimate that basic training consumes relatively few fucks, but the first permanent duty station can deplete a soldier’s reserves within months through repeated motor-pool formations, barracks mold, online training, weekend recalls, and being told at 1630 that nobody is going home until an unspecified task is complete.“One poorly planned command-maintenance Monday can burn through fucks faster than Iran burns through Shahed drones,” said one Army official.Pentagon planners are considering several emergency measures, including recycling previously expended fucks, purchasing fucks from allied nations, and invoking the Defense Production Act to compel American industry to give a shit.Officials cautioned that foreign supplies may also be limited.“The Ukrainians used to have fucks to spare,” Halvorsen said. “Then they spent four years fighting Russia while we held meetings about whether they were using them efficiently.”Hegseth dismissed concerns about the shortage.“We have more fucks than anybody,” he said. “Beautiful fucks. Lethal fucks. We're manufacturing fucks at levels nobody has ever seen.”At press time, President Trump had reportedly ordered an investigation to determine who leaked the classified location of America’s remaining fucks.🖊️Kay Too Ess Ohhhhh finds your excuses vague and unconvincing.
Opinion: Listen up, assholes. Turn in your excess cruise missiles or everybody stays in formation
The following is an opinion article by Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth.At ease, patriots. Listen up because I’m only going to say this 15 or 20 more times.Nobody is fucking going anywhere until we have 100% accountability of all sensitive items, exquisite munitions, and long-range precision weapons in the United States military.The boss wants this Iran thing wrapped up, and apparently firing hundreds of cruise missiles, Patriots, THAAD interceptors and other expensive-ass shit means we are starting to run low on them.
I don’t want to hear any pissing and moaning. You people should have seen this coming.We destroyed Iran’s military months ago. Then we destroyed it again. Then a third time. Unfortunately, they keep showing up for work, so we may have to destroy it several more times before they understand that they’ve been destroyed.So I need every commander in every service to conduct a hands-across-America sensitive-items inventory immediately.Somewhere out there is a Tomahawk you thought somebody else signed for. I want that motherfucker.Maybe there’s an air-launched cruise missile being used as a picnic table at Minot. Or there's some Navy chief out there with three TLAMs shoved behind a paint locker because moving them would require updating a spreadsheet. Perhaps there's an Army warrant officer sitting on six THAAD interceptors since 2019 because nobody ever specifically asked him about them.Check, goddamnit. I want to physically see the missile.And don’t come back telling me something is “accounted for” because it appears on a property book.If the hand receipt says you have 12 and there are 11 sitting there, congratulations: We are all staying until somebody finds number 12.I don’t care if the guy who signed for it PCSed four years ago. Get him on the damn phone.To encourage honesty, we’ve placed amnesty boxes at installations worldwide. If you have an unauthorized high-end munition, just put it inside. No questions asked.I don't care if you took a JASSM home as a souvenir or if your squadron has been using an SM-6 as a coat rack. Maybe you found a Patriot interceptor behind the barracks and were afraid to say anything.Today is your day.It doesn't matter how it got there. We just need it back.And before anybody asks: Yes, missiles displayed outside headquarters buildings count. There is no such thing as a “ceremonial Tomahawk” anymore. Not when China exists.This isn’t just about Iran. We need enough weapons left over to deter China, defend Taiwan, defend Guam, defend Japan and fight whatever other war we accidentally discover we’re already in by then.People keep telling me long-range munitions production requires years of industrial planning, specialized supply chains, and sustained procurement.Bullshit. Have you checked the motor pool?Frankly, I don’t like this any more than you do. I’ve got things to do. But the old man says we’re staying here until we have enough missiles for Iran, the Pacific, and whatever comes next, or until everybody stops asking about the Epstein files.I don’t need to tell you which requirement I expect us to meet first.So when I dismiss you, I want to see assholes and elbows. Check every office, bunker, hangar, ship, warehouse and wall locker in the Department of War.And if anybody finds a pallet marked “DO NOT INVENTORY — CENTCOM,” leave it exactly where it is and call me personally.I’ll be in my office doing pull-ups if you need me. This strategic logistics bullshit has interfered with my PT program long enough.🖊️Bull Winkle is a writer and amateur phrenologist who is available to make your next party, birthday, wedding or pointless war super fun.
Army Reserve adopts 'Nothing we do today is more important than lunch' as new recruiting slogan
FORT BRAGG — U.S. Army Reserve Command today unveiled a new recruiting slogan after officials concluded their previous campaign had failed to resonate with younger Americans.Beginning next battle assembly, the Army Reserve will officially adopt “Nothing we do today is more important than lunch” as its new recruiting motto.“We tried ‘It’s Your Time,’” said Maj. Tyler Hooker of USARC’s advertising team. “It turns out Gen Z doesn’t believe anyone is handing them anything — not jobs, not houses, and definitely not free time.”According to Hooker, a market research study conducted over a single drill weekend found younger Americans were primarily interested in the Reserve as an opportunity to experience active duty without accidentally becoming active duty.“Well, shit,” recalled Col. Mark Bravo after reviewing the results. “That was basically the Army Reserve before Sept. 11.”The study also found that junior reservists ranked the primary benefits of service as wearing the uniform, accomplishing as little work as possible before 1130, and collecting a free lunch.“To be fair,” Bravo said, “that’s also a pretty accurate description of active duty.”Researchers noted there are plenty of civilian jobs where employees accomplish very little, but few provide free uniforms, government travel, and the possibility of spending three hours discussing a PowerPoint presentation over lunch at P.F. Chang’s or Twin Peaks.Hooker said the campaign’s breakthrough came midway through a briefing when Maj. John Boros interrupted the presentation.“Knock off all this briefing nonsense,” Boros reportedly said. “Let’s get down to business. Where are we eating lunch?”The room fell silent.“Then he looked around and said, ‘Nothing we do today is more important than lunch,’” Hooker recalled. “Colonel Bravo immediately stood up and yelled, ‘That’s it! Print the posters!’”Bravo defended the slogan as refreshingly honest.“We’re not saying we don’t accomplish important things,” he said. “We’re simply acknowledging that lunch consistently outranks all of them.”Bravo admitted leadership briefly considered bringing back the Army’s iconic “Be All You Can Be” campaign before deciding against it.“That slogan let people project whatever dream they wanted onto military service,” Bravo said. “Our new one tells them exactly what they’re getting.”At press time, the slogan rollout had been postponed because the working group assigned to finalize it was still out to lunch.🖊️SECDEF_Nice served in Army Civil Affairs and specialized in failing to influence populations and occasionally his own chain-of-command. Follow him at Foxhole Briefs, Twitter, Facebook, or Instagram.
Hegseth mistakes getting older for declining military standards
THE PENTAGON — Senior defense officials launched an internal review this week after discovering Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth’s repeated warnings about collapsing military fitness standards were based primarily on his own advancing age.According to multiple officials, concerns began after Hegseth repeatedly claimed the Army lowered its standards “every four or five years, usually around my birthday.”“After about the fifth time he said the force was getting softer, I finally asked him which standards he meant,” said one official. “Holy shit. Within five seconds, I realized this man had apparently never read an age-based scoring chart.”The official said Hegseth’s approach to physical fitness testing throughout his military career was remarkably consistent.“He would show up, ask what he needed to do to score 70 points, then leave before anyone explained why the number had changed,” the official said. “He genuinely thought the Army kept lowering the standard. Nobody had the heart to tell him he was just getting older.”Army Fitness Test standards divide soldiers into progressively older age groups, generally in five-year increments.“Every time he entered a new bracket, he interpreted it as another collapse in discipline,” the official said. “From his perspective, military readiness has been steadily declining since his twenties.”Officials reviewing Hegseth’s records said the pattern was unmistakable.When his run time allowance increased in his early 30s, he blamed President Barack Obama. When it increased again in his late 30s, he blamed [cliffhanger] diversity initiatives. After entering his most recent bracket, he ordered a department-wide review of the warrior ethos.Officials acknowledged that the military provides little formal instruction on reading fitness score tables but questioned whether any was necessary.“It's not the Rosetta Stone,” another official said. “The chart is about as complicated as breathing burn pit fumes.”According to the official, Hegseth initially mistook the age ranges for presidential approval ratings.“He pointed to ‘42-46’ and said, ‘See? Biden destroyed readiness,’” the official recalled. “We explained that was his age bracket. He accused us of making excuses.”Chief Pentagon Spokesman Sean Parnell declined to address whether Hegseth understood age-normed scoring.“I’m not going to get into hypothetical charts,” Parnell said. “The secretary remains focused on restoring the warrior ethos, increasing lethality, and ensuring America has the most physically capable fighting force on Earth.”Parnell abruptly ended the briefing when a reporter asked whether the most capable fighting force on Earth should also be capable of reading a PDF.At press time, Hegseth had ordered the Army to restore the physical fitness standards in effect when he was 23, calling them “the last objectively rigorous standards before the military began changing them specifically to embarrass me.”🖊️SECDEF_Nice served in Army Civil Affairs and specialized in failing to influence populations and occasionally his own chain-of-command. Follow him at Foxhole Briefs, Twitter, Facebook, or Instagram.
Duffel Blog’s Top 13 ideas for solving the Iran War
FREE EDITIONYou're reading the free version of Duffel Blog. Paid supporters get every story we publish, the Sunday Reader, our 4,200-article archive, and deep discounts in the Duffel PX. We are ad-free and reader-supported.
THE PENTAGON — U.S. Central Command has called for help and America's Most-Trusted Military News Source, as usual, is here to provide it.After six months of war, a collapsed ceasefire, dwindling munitions, and no obvious path to victory, CENTCOM recently asked military analysts to submit “new creative and unconventional ways to pressure and punish Iran” and bring its leaders back to the negotiating table.This is reassuring because it confirms America’s most important military campaign has officially entered the portion of the group project where someone asks whether anyone has any ideas.Fortunately, Duffel Blog does.
1. Surrender
Sure, it might look bad. But surrender would conserve critical munitions needed for the Pacific and allow sailors to reunite with loved ones at San Diego and Norfolk strip clubs, tattoo parlors, and divorce mediation offices.
Just call it “charging to lethal victory in the opposite direction."
2. Move the goalposts
Did you publicly announce goals that now appear more delusional than an E-1 looking for love at a strip club?
Change them.
Regime change becomes degrading capabilities. Degrading capabilities becomes sending a message. Sending a message becomes demonstrating resolve. Demonstrating resolve becomes “Iran definitely knows we’re upset.”
Once the objective is vague enough, victory becomes inevitable.
3. Redefine everything
Words have meaning until they become operationally inconvenient.
A war is a ceasefire. A retreat is force protection. A failed offensive is strategic patience. Civilian casualties are emerging narrative challenges.
Call the ayatollah after the next missile strike and ask what his problem is. When he says the countries are at war, respond, “That doesn’t sound like us. We campaigned on no new wars.”
Follow up with proven diplomatic phrases such as “You're overreacting,” “That was obviously a joke,” and “After everything we’ve done for you?”
4. Turn the war off and back on again
Ask the S-6 to shut down hostilities, wait 30 seconds, jiggle the regional power cable, and restart the conflict.If the war still does not work, submit a help ticket and receive a response within three to five strategic business days asking whether the issue has resolved itself.
5. Crowdsource the campaign on the War Thunder forums
War Thunder players possess years of virtual combat experience and routinely demonstrate access to classified technical documents.
They are therefore the only available population with both relevant expertise, the appropriate security clearances, and the absence of judgment required to post classified material where even the newest North Korean lieutenant can study it.
6. Air-drop three pigs into Tehran
Paint the numbers 1, 2, and 4 on their sides before releasing them.
While Iranian security forces search for Pig 3, seize Kharg Island, recover the enriched uranium, and leave before anyone realizes there were only three pigs.
This is the sort of deception operation military planners used to develop before PowerPoint.
7. Send Jared Kushner back to negotiate
The first ceasefire may not have lasted, but Iranian officials cannot possibly bear to sit through another meeting with Kushner.
Lock him in a conference room with the Iranian delegation and...
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Daily Mash
Tasting menus, and other thoughtful gift experiences your parents won’t even try to like
PARENTS demand presents but want nothing. Your attempt to treat them to something different will be resented and reviled:
His driving experience
He was an avid Top Gear watcher and you’ve put up with years of him claiming Lando Norris is shit, so he should love this. Until discovering he now hates modern cars for not being diesel, thinks anything two-seater is for ‘show-offs’ and when he hits the tarmac drives like he’s manoeuvring a Ford Fiesta around Aldi car park.
Their tasting menu
When food isn’t labelled with Prince’s or Hellmann’s it’s already wrong. And this becomes an attempt to poison them when espuma sits on a page that reads like a GP pamphlet. Every fresh course is not gastronomic genius but a fresh humiliation for you, apparently proving the foul local chippie has been unbeatable since 1976.
Her night at the opera
Mum’s bragged about wearing her gladrags and going for a classy night out to all the girls at aquaerobics, but didn’t fully understand it would mean three hours of fantastical nonsense being shouted at her in German singspeil. She sits in complete silence throughout and will never mention it again.
Their murder mystery evening
The perfect gift for a dad who still does Morse impressions and a mum who treats Richard Osman as a religion. But for all the murder night’s pomp, because it isn’t real they’ll say there was too much try-hard over-acting and they thought the other man did it. Other relatives are briefed at length to ‘get us anything except that bloody murder’.
His clay pigeon shooting day
Dad loves war in all its forms, which is why there’s a framed painting of a Spitfire in the lounge and he corrects strangers about the Molotov-Ribbentrop Pact. Does that translate to him enjoying a day shooting a gun? It does not. Apparently, you learn later from your sister, it was ‘nothing but bang bang bang. Space Invaders for idiots’.
Their hotel getaway
Luxury, staff, duck-down pillows and a complimentary high tea. Except first they moan about getting there because it’s miles from a motorway, then they feel the staff are looking down on them, then there aren’t any sandwiches they like, then they ‘couldn’t sleep’ because ‘someone had been in our room’, then they steal the slippers.
We ask you: What non-league football game are you rushing to today?
REAL football is back, football for men from unfashionable towns who looked no further than 25 miles away for their key interest in life. What match will you be at?
Roy Hobbs, costermonger: “Great thing about Spennymoor vs Merthyr is you can be confident Trump won’t call the ref halfway through a game demanding a red card be rescinded.”
Norman Steele, troubadour: “People characterise non-league players as muddy cloggers. Not this year. Southend vs Scunthorpe this afternoon will be all dust clouds and snapped ankles.”
Billy McKay, footballer: “Ah bollocks. This is a terrible time to remember I’m a much-loved but aging left-back for Banks o’ Dee FC.”
Sophie Rodriguez, token woman: “They say you can’t change your club, but I switched allegiance from Hemel Hempstead Town to Hednesford Town and not one person gives a shit.”
Steve Malley, door security: “Hmmm. And which would you recommend for pairing with overheated, pent-up violence?”
Where your extra money will go, by Britain’s water companies
WATER bills are going up, and consumers have every right to ask where their money is going. Let us break it down:
Executive bonuses
32p of every pound your bill increases by goes straight where it’s needed most – the offshore bank accounts of our executives and board members. They’ve worked harder than anyone to secure this bill rise.
Disguising executive bonuses
Regrettably, due to government overreach, there are various laws in place banning executives at ‘underperforming’ businesses receiving bonuses. Circumventing these requires top accountants who command a hefty fee.
Advertisements
Negative press has damaged our public image. So we commissioned £88m of YouTube ads showing happy people walking dogs around reservoirs with the slogan ‘Reservoir Dogs, brought to you by Southern Water’. We used a reservoir in Poland, it’s cheap to film there.
Lobbying Ofwat
Without our hard-working lobbyists we’d be unable to bring you bill rises for a visibly declining service, so 8p in every pound goes direct to them.
Legal action to stop pollution monitoring
Vital, or pollution in the UK would seem far worse than it does now because the true extent of it would be revealed. That’s why we fight charities and government bodies every step of the way in the courts.
Legal action to stop leak monitoring
Bad publicity about leaking pipes also cost our PR team thousands of man-hours every year. That’s why we fight it all the way in the courts.
Legal action to stop leaks
Not water leaks; whistleblowers trying to reveal pollution, leaks and executive bonuses to the press. Our injunctions keep these battles secret but we’re waging them for you daily.
Debt servicing
Our status as publically-traded companies which are also vital utilities mean we’re ideal vehicles to load with debt, and consequently 52p in every pound goes to paying interest.
Checking there definitely aren’t any spare reservoirs we can drain and sell off for housing
Our estates team is always at work, touring sites to make sure there are no overlooked reservoirs or sewage treatment sites we can decommission and sell to developers. It’s thanks to them water storage facilities in south-east England are at an all-time low.
Flowers for Thatcher’s grave
Finally, 0.0008p of your cash pays for a lavish bouquet for Lady Margaret Thatcher, who privatised the water board alongside her other winning third-term policies, Section 28 and the Poll Tax. They were reversed but it’s too late to fix this one.
Woman merges with pleather sofa
HEATWAVE temperatures have made a woman become a single entity with her ‘pleather’ sofa.
After weeks of noticing her skin stick to her fake leather sofa, the latest bout of hot weather finally caused Joanna Kramer’s sweaty body to sink into its upholstery with no possibility of ever separating them.
Kramer, 32, said: “It was like falling in love. Slow at first, then all at once. Although it’s even better than love because I found some loose change too.
“You might think that being a sofa is a downgrade. I can’t go to Alton Towers anymore and men will sit their big hairy arses on me. I’m facing the telly though so it’s not all bad.
“Besides, I’m more useful as a sofa. Before this I was wasting my time working for a charity, now people get to place their hot drinks on my arm rests. I should have done this years ago.
“I’d appreciate it if people kept the farting on me to a minimum though. Not that I can smell their gas because I don’t have a nose anymore. It’s more of a principle thing, really.”
Kramer’s housemate Louise said: “It’s the sofa I feel sorry for. If I were in its place, trapped with Joanna for the rest of my life, I’d be begging for someone to set me on fire.”
I won, so Binface now faces a parliamentary investigation over a £5m donation. That is how elections work
I TRIUMPHED in the Clacton by-election, therefore Count Binface must face the Parliamentary Standards Committee. Because that is democracy in action.
It is he, as the Clacton loser, who must answer questions about a £5m gift shortly before running for office. He who must explain why a convicted fraudster’s mother donated millions to Reform. He will face the grilling.
Frankly I can’t wait. After all the trouble he’s caused, the day when this metal miscreant is dragged away by police and forced to give straight answers – was the money a gift? Spent on security? Where are the receipts? – has been a long time coming.
And when, as I suspect, he cannot answer to the police’s satisfaction, I look forward to him facing the consequences. A recall election, his replacement by a younger, hungrier Binface, and prison. It is what he deserves.
To those who say ‘but it was you who received the £5 million’, allow me to introduce you to an English institution called democracy. One in which the people of Clacton, representing the whole UK, have just taken part.
They decided, resoundingly, that I am not guilty of any crime, misdemeanour or malfeasance. This jury of all that is good and true about Britain voted overwhelmingly to assign my so-called ‘crimes’ to Binface.
He knew that was the deal when he put himself up for election. Winner takes all. Loser takes the blame. Hope the metal hat’s still funny when you’re doing life inside.
And if I have fundamentally misunderstood the whole process, I shall hold another by-election and when I win my interpretation will be vindicated and made law. Because that is how elections work.
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