WASHINGTON—In a tragic accident the Pentagon confirmed was currently under internal investigation, 340 million Americans were killed Tuesday in the course of a botched military training exercise.
According to top generals, the mishap occurred at Fort Bliss Army base in Texas, where members of the 1st Armored Division participating in a live training exercise repeatedly missed a practice target and unwittingly inflicted massive casualties on U.S. citizens downrange in all directions. The affected towns and cities were reportedly struck by fire from small arms, artillery, M1 Abrams tanks, and Apache helicopters, as well as thousands of long-range missiles, with nearly all victims ultimately succumbing to their wounds.
“While conducting operations intended to enhance the peacekeeping skills of our troops, a simple target acquisition error regrettably ended in the deaths of over 99.9% of Americans,” said Maj. Gen. Curtis D. Taylor, speaking at an empty press conference held to address the incident. “This glitch led in turn to a departure from normal protocols during which a number of Hellfire missiles were allowed to make contact with civilian airliners. Subsequent miscalculations then resulted in all major population centers being subjected to sustained bombardment with a combined 40 gigatons of explosives until those people residing within them sadly lost their lives.”
“In addition, thousands of our own troops were accidentally shot in the back as their counterparts obliviously kept marching forward,” Taylor continued. “Please know we are doing everything we can to ensure that a mistake leading to the loss of 340 million Americans never happens again.”
According to sources, several billion rounds of ammunition were fired into unsuspecting U.S. residents simply going about their day before one of the officers overseeing the training exercise noticed videos on social media that showed ordnance pummeling the country’s Northeast, Midwest, South, and West regions. An additional 50 million deaths then occurred as the officer struggled to get his soldiers to hold fire. Lifesaving efforts are believed to have been hindered by collapsing buildings, fires that consumed entire cities, and the fact that the casualties included all of the nation’s doctors, EMTs, and individuals with first-aid certification.
The identities of the dead are being withheld until the sole remaining law enforcement officer can track down the next of kin for each of the 340 million victims.
A poll conducted by the Pew Research Center found that 75% of surviving American civilians felt the Department of Defense bore culpability for the accidental killings and 50% wanted financial compensation for blast craters on their property. All four non-military survivors unanimously asserted that they’d be lodging complaints with their representatives as soon as special elections could be held to replace every elected official in the nation.
Despite public outcry over the tragedy, particularly the accidental detonation of the entire U.S. nuclear arsenal, the Pentagon maintained that its safety protocols met and even exceeded reasonable standards.
“Remember it’s exceedingly rare for the entire population to be wiped out in one of these training exercises,” said Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff Dan Caine, who noted that the last time nearly every living American was annihilated in a military accident was during the Great Cannon Misfire of 1826. “Our thoughts and prayers go out to friends, families, and colleagues across the country, but they can rest easy knowing that our troops are participating in live exercises around the clock to keep them safe.”
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President Trump has threatened to pull out of the North Atlantic Treaty Organization, calling the military alliance a “paper tiger.” The Onion examines the pros and cons of withdrawing from NATO.
U.S. can finally join Warsaw Pact
Would free up time to join something more fun, like the International Pickleball Federation
Won’t have to defend Greenland against ourselves.
Can finally delete WhatsApp
Will make the eventual makeup alliance even hotter
Can no longer hide behind military might of Luxembourg
Total redesign of NATO coffee mugs
Lose 10% member discount on stroopwafels
Learned what “Article 5” was for nothing
Probably never getting that phone charger back from Romania
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This perfect Tudor, which is walking distance from downtown and boasts plenty of space, will go to someone who bid exactly $7.34 more than you.
Reference #582374
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HOLLYWOOD, CA — Though The Super Mario Galaxy Movie may be doing well at the box office, critics blasted the film for its flimsy plotting and not making Yoshi bisexual.
He is risen indeed!
Funeral homes are rarely businesses you associate with fun surprises, but that’s changing in a big, big way: This funeral home is offering the chance to score a limited holographic prayer card of your deceased loved one with every wake.
Simply brilliant. Bringing a little Pokémon inspiration to the wake experience is a truly thoughtful touch!
At Rossi Funeral Home in Scotch Plains, NJ, wakes are more than an opportunity to say goodbye—they’re a chance for grieving families to collect a limited edition holographic prayer card featuring a photo of the dearly departed with a rainbow sheen and tasteful foil finish. These shimmering, commemorative mementos constitute one in every 30 prayer cards, meaning only a few lucky mourners per service will draw one from the stack next to the wake’s guest book. Aside from traditional elements like a photo, prayer, and lifespan dates, the shiny remembrance keepsakes will also list the departed’s signature attack and energy type (Fire, Water, Psychic, Grass, etc.).
“The Pokémon card model allows us to incentivize and reward the bereaved for making time to pay their respects to the dead,” explained Frank Rossi Jr., the owner of Rossi Funeral Home, who had the idea to turn prayer cards into rare collectibles after seeing an Internet video of Costco shoppers brawl over packs of Pokémon cards. “Since debuting the holographic prayer cards, we’ve not only seen an uptick in attendance at all wakes, but also in fights among mourners eager to nab a holographic prayer card and sell it to other friends and family members of the deceased for a profit.”
Amazing. What a meaningful gesture to grieving families.
Wakes are difficult, emotional times for people who’ve lost a loved one, which is why it’s so heartwarming to see Rossi Funeral Home celebrate the dead by making their prayer cards exciting, aesthetically unique collector’s items. Other funeral homes take note, because this is how you do remembrance!
In 2014, Malaysia Airlines Flight 370 disappeared without a trace. The world’s been waiting for answers ever since. Now, investigators are closer to uncovering the mystery than ever before, after discovering the official black box audio from MH370.
Malaysian authorities have given ClickHole exclusive rights to this newly uncovered cockpit recording, which you can listen to below, and draw your own conclusions about what happened aboard that fatal flight.
Fair warning, listening to these pilots’ final moments on MH370 is absolutely chilling.
This is so sad. Mom just got a smart fridge, and now it’s cyberbullying her. She definitely doesn’t deserve this—maybe the fridge is just a particularly mean one. Whatever the cause, we really feel for Mom here. This has got to stop.
Get ready for an inspiring story that is sure to restore your faith in humanity: This woman just slowed her pace down a little as she passed an extremely old man on the sidewalk so he doesn’t feel as slow.
What a beautiful gesture!
Despite the fact that 29-year-old Kim Brailey typically walks at a fairly fast pace, when she came upon an elderly man making his way down the sidewalk, she didn’t just speed around him. Although she was running late for her Barre workout class (an activity that this man most certainly would not be physically capable of), she took great care to avoid humiliating him with her young person speed by gently stepping around him, even adding a polite “good afternoon” as she did, rather than an “excuse me.”
And if that weren’t already enough to convince you that the younger generations truly have manners, Kim even maintained her slower pace until she was at least 10 feet ahead of the man so that he couldn’t see what she was doing, even though he was only looking at the ground right in front of him to avoid falling down.
So incredible! The world would easily be a better place if everyone took Kim’s approach to life! Share if you agree this story made your day.
TEHRAN — Iranian officials insisted Monday that they are simply “mining their own business” after several sea captains complained about explosive devices appearing throughout the Strait of Hormuz.
According to one of three Iranian government officials reportedly still alive, the naval mines are part of a direct stimulus program designed to keep the country’s military-industrial complex functioning smoothly.
“You need growth to stay competitive,” said the Iranian official, who asked to remain anonymous out of fear of retaliation by Mossad. “The mine sector is very important to our economy. If we cannot export mines, then we must consume them domestically. The workers and their families are counting on us.”
The official explained that laying large numbers of mines in one of the world’s most important shipping lanes is simply a way of maintaining production levels while international markets remain “temporarily constrained.”
“Our economy is very fragile,” he said. “Our main exports are oil, kamikaze drones, and maritime mines. With U.S. sanctions hitting our oil and drones currently saturating the entire cradle of civilization, we had to find a solution. Since they make up a third of our economy, we have to keep the mine industry afloat. Otherwise, the whole sector could… sink.”
Iranian officials said the idea was inspired by American economic policy.
“Seventeen years ago I saw a news report about the great American tradition of the government burning all your money in a giant hole. We thought if the Americans could do that, we could do anything.”
“The strait is very deep and conveniently close to our factories,” he added. “From a logistics perspective, it is perfect. We could keep filling it with mines for decades. Once these ‘temporary restrictions’ end, we can simply retrieve them and return them to market. If we lose a few to accidental discharges, that is just the cost of doing business.”
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The government confirmed it is already expanding industrial capacity, citing strong long-term demand.
“These are good jobs,” a finance ministry official said before reportedly exploding in a drone strike mid-sentence. “Manufacturing them comes with some risk, but it is still safer than most government positions at the moment.”
Officials also defended the policy as consistent with international norms.
“We just want to be left alone to mine our own business,” said the government official. “You don't hear us complaining about how the United States has thrown dollar-after-dollar into an endless burning pit of fire for twenty years in the Middle East."
At the White House, President Donald Trump weighed in on the situation.
“They are wonderful — big, beautiful mines,” Trump said. "I’ve never seen such huge, round, very round metal balls before. Come to think of it, they would make perfect balls for Arnold Palmer. Huge dick that guy — oh, I’m being told the mines are Iranian. Very bad mines. The worst. Terrible things those mines are doing to the oil prices. Bad for oil, bad for business. Nothing we can do."
The head of the Iranian government — whoever currently holds the position — responded on X.
“If the United States wishes us to stop,” the official account of the Supreme Ayatollah said, “they are always welcome to purchase our exports instead of throwing their money into the giant hole.”
WASHINGTON — After Chairman of the Joint Chiefs Gen. John Daniel “Raizin” Caine warned recently that the “Straits of Whore Moose” [sic] had become a contested waterway, the U.S. Navy moved quickly to designate the area a protected maritime cultural zone known as the Gays of Hormuz, sources confirmed today.
“This is now a safe haven,” said Adm. Daryl L. Caudle, Chief of Naval Operations. “A deeply nautical, deeply life-affirming safe haven where we can finally be ourselves."
According to retired Rear Adm. Samuel J. Cox, Director of Naval History and Heritage Command, the service has long felt a special connection to these “particular” straits.
“The name itself finally allows us to stop being subtle,” Cox said. “For decades, sailors have been navigating Hormuz with a level of… interpretive enthusiasm.”
Cox noted that as far back as 1949, the Navy’s Middle East Force helped establish what he described as “a proud tradition of extended deployments, questionable decision-making, and everyone agreeing not to ask too many questions.”
“The Marines have the Shores of Tripoli,” Cox added. “Now we have the Gays of Hormuz. This will live forever in Navy heritage.”
The Navy emphasized that its relationship with gay culture did not begin this week, citing its enduring affection for the Village People and a little-known internal effort in the late 1970s to replace “Anchors Aweigh” with “In the Navy.”
“People thought that was a joke,” Cox said. “It was not.”
Service guarantees citizenship. Participation may vary.
The move has also intensified the Navy’s long-running rivalry with the Marine Corps.
“The Marines keep acting like they’re more masculine,” said Cmdr. Jason Baker, captain of the USS Dewey. “We keep acting like we’re not enjoying any of this. It’s been going on for about a hundred years.”
"The Navy has a long tradition of being extremely weird about its own traditions," said a Marine Corps spokesman, pointing to the service's crossing the line ceremonies and students at the Naval Academy climbing a large, slippery phallic statue every year. "We fully support them continuing their traditions somewhere far away from us.”
Under the new designation, any Navy vessel entering the waterway will be required to conduct what officials are calling the “Fraternal Order of the Strait-Chaser Ceremony,” a ritual inspired by the Navy’s historic shellback ceremony.
“Everyone remembers their first time crossing the line,” one official said. “This is similar, just… less subtle.”
Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth was reportedly less enthusiastic about the announcement.
“I told them to knock it off,” one aide said Hegseth remarked. “Some things are traditions, and some things are just getting out of hand.”
At press time, a spokesperson for the submarine community said, “We have no comment, and we would prefer to keep it that way.”
WASHINGTON — President Donald Trump announced today that the United States has officially ended the Iran War after what he described as “the biggest, most beautiful military operation in human history" convinced Iranian leaders to immediately abandon their nuclear program, reopen the Strait of Hormuz, and gave him “basically unlimited oil — frankly, more oil than anybody has ever seen.”
Standing in front of a banner reading "MAKING PEACE GREAT AGAIN," Trump told reporters the deal was finalized after Iran was left so impressed by recent U.S. strikes that its leadership decided resistance was no longer appropriate.
“Now that we won the war," the president said, beginning his speech with an explanation of what exactly the conflict should be referred to as, “I can now finally say — without a doubt — that we were at war. We were really unsure for a week or two what this thing was, but now that it's over. It was definitely a war.”
The president then described his personal discussions with Iranian leaders.
“They were amazed,” Trump said. “They said, ‘Sir, we give up. Your attacks were so incredible, so precise, so awesome, we have no choice but to give you everything you wanted, and more.’ That’s what they said.”
According to Trump, the agreement requires Iran to permanently dismantle its nuclear weapons program, fully reopen the Strait of Hormuz to global shipping, and send the president a personal gift consisting of “all the oil I could ever want.”
“It’s a lot of oil,” Trump said. “A very respectful amount. They insisted. I don't even know what to do with all this oil. I might even start my own oil company. People are saying I should. I'd be very good at it."
The president also claimed Iran’s new leader personally called him early this morning to express gratitude.
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“He thanked me,” Trump said. “He said, ‘Mr. President, you are doing such a good job. Really tremendous. You actually won this three weeks ago, but I was so impressed with how committed you were that I let it play out a little longer.’”
Trump added that the Iranian leader told him the country was “totally honored" since "they couldn't have had a better opponent.”
White House officials said the peace breakthrough came after Iran concluded it could not hope to compete with what one aide called “America’s elite military execution and its ability to counter every foreseeable Iranian action.”
In Tehran, Iranian officials offered a somewhat different version of events, though they did confirm they were deeply affected by the scale of recent U.S. action.
“We were astonished,” one official said. “Not just militarily, but emotionally. We felt the only honorable course was to surrender completely and also provide extra concessions as a gesture of appreciation.”
The official added Iran agreed to “a little more than the Americans even asked for” because the president taught them “so much about true leadership,” including “how to make Iran great again.”
Pentagon officials declined to provide details on the agreement but confirmed the administration considers the matter resolved.
At press time, Trump was already suggesting the peace deal qualifies him for at least three Nobels and an additional FIFA Peace Prize.
WASHINGTON — A new national poll released this week found that a majority of Americans were surprised to learn the war with Iran is still happening, roughly two weeks after most people stopped paying attention.
When asked what the United States should do about the conflict and whether they supported deploying ground troops, 72 percent of respondents reportedly replied, “Wait… that’s not over?”
Analysts say the public attention cycle following a national crisis tends to follow a familiar pattern.
On the first Saturday the news broke, millions of Americans were glued to their phones watching dramatic footage of missile strikes and air defenses lighting up the night sky across social media.
“Everyone was sharing the videos,” said polling director Mark Caldwell. “There were maps, military threads, amateur geopolitical experts explaining the Strait of Hormuz. It was a huge weekend.”
On Sunday, Iranian forces responded in kind, and both the conflict and online discourse escalated rapidly. That evening, the national mood shifted to talk shows, group texts, and highly confident predictions about how the conflict would unfold.
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If you’ve ever wondered who’s paying for the news — this one’s straightforward.
“People were saying things like ‘this will be over in a week’ and ‘Iran can’t possibly sustain this,’” Caldwell said. “A lot of very authoritative takes from people who had just learned where Iran was.”
From Monday through Wednesday, the war became the dominant topic in workplaces across the country.
Corporate Teams and Slack channels filled with strategic analysis, with coworkers debating air defense capabilities during lunch and confidently explaining the difference between ballistic and cruise missiles after watching half of a YouTube video.
By Thursday afternoon, however, interest had begun to wane.
“New war videos started drying up, and people began asking if anyone had watched that new Netflix show yet,” Caldwell said.
By Friday, most Americans had quietly moved on to other priorities, including Spring Break, hiking, and learning how pickleball works.
“Pickleball just exploded on Friday,” Caldwell said. “The war never really had a chance after that.”
Defense officials confirmed the conflict has continued uninterrupted during the period in which the public stopped monitoring it.
Missile exchanges, regional mobilizations, and diplomatic maneuvering have persisted daily, though many Americans first learned this when the poll was conducted.
“I thought that ended like two weekends ago,” said one respondent from Ohio. “Didn’t we bomb something and everyone kind of agreed that was enough?”
Another respondent said he assumed the situation had resolved itself because it stopped appearing in his social media feed.
“I figured if it was still happening it would be trending,” he said. “Is that why gas prices are going back up?”
After the pollster briefly mentioned the Strait of Hormuz, the man frowned.
“Wait, what? Shouldn’t the Navy have secured that on day one?” he said. “Like take out the leadership, bomb the nuclear sites, wipe out the missiles, secure the Strait. Those seem like the four most obvious priorities.”
At press time, polling organizations confirmed they are preparing a follow-up survey to determine how Americans feel about the war now that they have briefly remembered it exists.
HEAVEN — God is unable to keep boots off the ground in Iran because He is currently overwhelmed with prayers to rig March Madness at the faithful’s request, heavenly sources confirmed today.
“The brackets are eating up every bit of bandwidth,” said Saint Joan of Arc (HGS S-3), a longtime Notre Dame fan. “Sure, the Chief hears every plea to stop regional entanglements. But any prayer regarding the Strait of Hormuz is on hold until Father Almighty deals with the thousands of outcries for a buzzer-beating three-pointer.”
According to heavenly officials, NCAA basketball creates a massive surge in prayer volume every spring that drowns out those beseeching peace for all mankind. Such “bracket bottlenecks” curtail divine intervention as the maker of heaven and earth prioritizes point spreads over regional stability in the Middle East.
“HEAVRNET is at 99% capacity,” Saint Gabriel (HGS S-6) said while untangling a mess of fiber-optic incense. “I tried rebooting the Burning Bush, but it can’t compete with all these Syracuse fans bargaining their prayers. And we can’t process Iran peace negotiations while the Big Guy is prioritizing a 12-seed upset.”
Compounding the crisis, a data spike from Chestnut Hill has overwhelmed prayer servers.
“Boston College fans flood the queue every year praying for a wildcard,” Joan groaned while swiping through a backlog of Jesuit-coded emails. “Their womp-womp creates a total deadlock in the S-3 shop. It’s blocking every chaplain’s plea to spare the next school from a strike package.”
“Boston alumni scream like they’re all burning at the stake,” Joan added. “But Gabriel says the Big Guy won’t delete their requests. The Eagles stay in the queue while kids wearing maghnaehs stay in the crosshairs.”
Administrative hurdles have only complicated the crisis.
“I just kicked back a bracket petition for missing a HAC-card signature,” Saint Peter (HGS S-1) said while pointing to a mountain of unfiled parchment. “Everybody wants a miracle rebound but nobody wants to use the correct routing header.”
Peter added that “Vir Macho” continues citing Matthew 21:22 to justify honoring nearly every sports-related prayer submitted through official heavenly channels.
“I support the troops,” King David said while heating a Manna-Ready-to-Eat against a sling stone. “But a ground war in Iran looks like a ‘go’ at this point thanks to those NCAA logjams. The Secretary of War should stop praying for an Ivy League miracle and start worrying about the slam-poetry warning order he just wrote.”
Meanwhile, Satan has expressed delight at the prospect of another Persian Incursion.
“It will maximize my return on investment this quarter,” he said while adjusting a spreadsheet. “If enough misguided faithful cry out for bracket-busters, I’ll easily hit my target ratio of one 12-seed upset for every 12,000 fallen boots.”
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A WOMAN is laughably concerned her new boyfriend might find her bisexuality off-putting, rather than an endless source of titillation.
28-year-old Charlotte Phelps is trying to work up the nerve to tell 30-year-old Oliver O’Connor that she has had relationships with women in the past and has explicit fantasies about them which she is prepared to relate at length.
Phelps said: “Always tricky coming out. What if he over-analyses it? I’ve told boyfriends before and they’ve been unable to stop thinking about it. Some couldn’t sleep afterwards.
“I like him so much that I don’t want him worrying that at any moment I might pull him into a threesome. I need to reassure him I’m focused on him and won’t drunkenly snog a hot slut on a night out, though that has happened a few times.
“There are a lot of misunderstandings about bisexuality I’m happy to clear up. I could talk him through my past experiences, I guess I’ve got some photos with exes he could see if he feels up to it, though he might get jealous of us being in bikinis in the Maldives.
“But I have to be honest. I just hope he isn’t so alienated by it that he doesn’t want to have sex with me. I could give him a blowjob straight after, I guess. If he’s able to get hard.”
O’Connor said: “It was totally weird. She built up to it for ages and then said she likes women. Being a feminist isn’t that big a deal, surely.”
SCIENTISTS have discovered consuming pasta shaped like the male genitalia heightens sexual desire and boosts bedroom performance by 150 per cent.
The shaped pasta, commonly given as a gift at hen nights, is not the cheap, easy gag it is too often treated as but is actually nature’s most powerful aphrodisiac.
Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “Most households have a pack of penis pasta buried deep in a kitchen cupboard. If only they knew they were sitting on the secret to sexual fulfilment.
“For 98 per cent of participants, a large serving of the dong-shaped card in a silky butternut squash sauce made them feel not bloated but extraordinarily horny. Indeed, they attempted to seduce the observing researcher by flashing their tits.
“A serving at every meal would make ours a nation of lovers, barely putting the pan in to soak before three-hour lovemaking sessions taking them to new realms of pleasure.”
Nikki Hollis, who participated in the study, confirmed the phallic Italian delicacy has transformed her marriage. She said: “Something about looking at a big bowl of dicks and then putting them in my mouth got me, weirdly, thinking about sex.
“Forget oysters. Forget dark chocolate and chilli peppers. The key to passionate sex and multiple orgasms is penis pasta.”
Husband Nathan said: “I’m sure she’s right, but I can’t eat any in case it makes me gay.”
FATHERHOOD is the most important experience a man will have in his life, apart from 100 per centing GTAV, but it can be harrowing. These men scored small, humiliating victories:
Joseph Turner, 43-year-old father of three
“I’d nipped into Sainsbury’s for bread while the family waited in the car, and impulsively treated myself to a Krispy Kreme donut. Realising they could see me through the glass and it would spark war, I headed purposefully to the toilet where I munched away, ignoring the waft of strangers’ urine and curious looks wondering if this was a gay thing.”
Oliver O’Connor, 39-year-old father of two
“Every Sunday morning, I stand on a freezing field hungover cheering my son on in his under-sevens football game, which I enrolled him in like a f**king dickhead. But for the last two months I’ve secretly had an earbud in to listen to a podcast about gangsters. And nobody has any idea I’ve made an awful ordeal very slightly more tolerable!”
Jack Browne, 32-year-old father of two
“Realising my peaceful sojourns in the bathroom were the best parts of my day, I embarked on an epic deception to convince my family I had IBS. Took ten months of clutching my stomach but now I get 15 uninterrupted minutes in the room where everyone defecates, no questions asked. Though my wife is now nagging me to cut out gluten.”
James Bates, 47-year-old father of two
“As a supportive partner I insist my wife has a monthly girls’ night where she gets together with her friends. The minute she’s gone I shove a pizza in, get the kids in bed at record pace and spend a full evening luxuriating on the sofa watching whatever shite action movie Netflix has to offer. Is she having an affair? I couldn’t care less.”
Will McKay, 32-year-old father of one
“I’m a member of a pub quiz team who never misses a week, or so my family thinks. In reality the quiz goes on without me while I sit and drink alone in the corner, sometimes sobbing a little at the sheer bliss of nobody screaming ‘where are the wipes?’ at me or watching Waffle the Wonder Dog. Last week I bought myself a trophy to allay suspicion.”
Wayne Hayes, 53-year-old father of four
“Last week I went to sort out the garage, made myself a bed of cardboard boxes and slept under a tarpaulin for four hours undisturbed. It was so wonderfully like being homeless I can’t stop thinking about how I’ll do it again this bank holiday, but now we’ve got to go out to a f**king National Trust. It will cost me a hundred pounds.”
A BRIDE and groom are so thrilled with themselves they have stolen a nationally-mandated four-day weekend of freedom from more than 100 people.
The couple agreed their desire not to f**k other people is so powerful it necessitated a three-night hotel stay with meals and expensive activities for friends and relatives to resentfully endure.
Bride Eleanor Shaw said: “We really wanted to make it an occasion. That’s why there were hen and stag dinners yesterday, a marquee party today, the actual wedding tomorrow and the pagan ceremony on Monday so no sneaking off early.
“That way, people who will never see each other again really get chance to bond, cementing how amazing our partnership is. Why wouldn’t the best man’s plus one want to really get to know my Auntie Sara?
“Four whole days to stretch out and luxuriate in our wedded bliss. What could be a better, more memorable way to spend four days off work? Beats the usual lie-in, afternoon drinking and a wank any day.”
Friend Joshua Hudson said: “I worked with a man and we got on well. For that crime I am sentenced to this. It’s the price of a mini-break in Valetta, but for fully three Premier Inn continental breakfasts in a row.
“You really forget how much fun it is to sit with the same couple you hated on the Friday right through until the Sunday, in various stages of hungover while yearning to be at home trimming a hedge.”
CHILDREN are disturbing heavy-drinking adults at their serious work of getting shitfaced, so should they be given pubs of their own?
Nikki Hollis, stenographer: “Aw, imagine how cute that would be. Their innocent little intoxicated faces.”
Carolyn Ryan, shipping consultant: “We know drinking from 13 was fine, as evidenced by the 1970s. So let’s begin there and move slowly backwards.”
Steve Malley, divorce promotions officer: “I wouldn’t sell them liquor. Unless they’d recently been dumped by their year seven girlfriend in which case I’d serve them neat whisky while they unburdened themselves to me late into the night.”
Norman Steele, toy reseller: “I’m 59, was at a city centre bar yesterday, and I promise you kids already f**king have their own pubs.”
Helen Archer, lecturer: “We’ll make sure no BBC presenters are drinking in them, right?”
Hobbies are the perfect way to unwind. Regardless of whether or not you’re any good at them, hobbies offer an escape from work and the pressures of everyday life. That is, of course, assuming you don’t get hopelessly obsessed with them. If that happens, then your hobby becomes another burden that you have to take […]
The post What hobby did you try once and instantly get addicted to? – 19 pastimes that unexpectedly got people in a chokehold appeared first on The Poke.
Back in 2025, everybody was talking about the hit HBO series The White Lotus, which details the antics of staff and visitors at the eponymous fictional luxury hotel chain, with each season set in a different location. British actor Jason Isaacs, probably best known for the role of Lucius Malfoy in the Harry Potter film […]
The post You’d have a hard time finding someone who can mimic the UK’s accents better than the brilliant Jason Isaacs appeared first on The Poke.
Comedian Chris Ramsey and his wife Rosie are the hosts of the podcast “Shagged Married Annoyed”, which covers a range of topics relating to married life, parenting and generally being an adult. On an episode in April 2025, Rosie accidentally revealed that she’d slightly misunderstood what was going on with the Katy Perry ‘space mission’, […]
The post We’re still buzzing at Rosie Ramsey’s classic misunderstanding about Katy Perry’s ‘space’ flight appeared first on The Poke.
There’s a Reddit forum called r/povertyfinance that describes itself like this – ‘Financial advice, frugality tips, stories, opportunities, and general guidance for people who are struggling financially. No Judgement, just advice!’ With all the stuff going on (*waves hand*), we could all do with a bit of that, right? A user called EducationalChef9257 posted this […]
The post ‘What is your favourite “poverty luxury”?’ 19 cheap-as-chips ideas to make life a little brighter appeared first on The Poke.
At a recent CPAC (Conservative Political Action Conference) event in Texas, the usual MAGA speakers and fluffers were wheeled out to address the fawning MAGA attendees. Naturally, the UK’s top Trump fan girl, Liz Truss, was there to continue her increasingly deranged grift in front of the only audience that will now listen to her. […]
The post American Trump supporters have been giving their views on Sharia Law in the UK and they’re as outrageously misinformed as you would expect appeared first on The Poke.