BURBANK, CA—Citing nearly a billion dollars of pent-up consumer demand for entertainment featuring an infant version of an already beloved character, a new report released Wednesday by Gower Street Analytics concluded that Disney’s decision not to call its upcoming Star Wars film The Baby Yoda Movie would cost the studio roughly $900 million. “By naming the film The Mandalorian And Grogu, Disney is leaving money on the table from consumers who have no idea who Grogu is but would immediately take out their phones and buy a ticket for any movie of any genre with ‘Baby Yoda’ in its title,” said report author Heather Flynn, who cited a poll in which 81% of potential moviegoers responded “Who the hell are they? Is this a Lord Of The Rings thing?” when presented with marketing materials for the upcoming film. “We found that while Disney will likely recoup its budget, a film titled either The Baby Yoda Movie or Baby Yoda: The Movie would have broken multiple box-office records both domestically and overseas. This catastrophic mistake could upend Disney’s market position if the studio doesn’t at least add the words ‘Baby Yoda’ to the poster somewhere.” At press time, Disney had changed the title of its 2027 Star Wars film from Starfighter to Chewbacca’s Big Day Out.
ANN ARBOR, MI—Presenting data that quantified a fact already widely accepted as true, scientists at the University of Michigan released a study Wednesday proving that 97% of all sounds were infuriating. “A meta-analysis of research across the entire field of acoustics confirms that nearly every noise produced, whether artificial or natural, is completely enraging,” said the study’s principal investigator, Alan Dearden, who tapped his pen so goddamn incessantly as he spoke that reporters wanted to run from the room screaming. “There are many noises we already know make people’s blood boil: backfiring cars, children shrieking, a coworker slurping soup. But even sounds defined as melodic, like opera or birdsong, are downright unbearable. We also learned that the 3% of sounds that are not maddening can only be heard when one’s head is completely submerged underwater.” The study concluded with a call to action that urged all people to stab a knitting needle into their ears.
WASHINGTON—Gleefully strapping the protective garment under their chins and clapping, the U.S. populace announced this week that they like it when their bib has a picture of the food they’re eating. “Yay, our plate has lobster, and the bib has lobster right on the front, and now we won’t mess up our shirt,” said 61-year-old York, ME, resident Brandon Mena, who echoed the sentiments of 340 million Americans who enjoy pointing at their meal, then their chest, then their meal again. “Look, look, look. That’s the food on our bib. They are the same. They match. See? It makes the meal feel like a big special party. We should get bibs with a pizza picture!” At press time, the nation had reportedly attempted to eat their bibs.
LOS ANGELES—Insisting that such queer stories were too often excluded from period dramas, Bridgerton showrunner Jess Brownell confirmed Wednesday that the show’s next season would feature two women falling in love, breaking up, and then forming a punk band. “Queer people have always existed, but until recently we didn’t highlight their stories on screen in a realistic manner,” said Brownell, who hinted that the upcoming season would follow characters Francesca and Michaela’s first sparks of attraction, their romantic fizzling, and the pair’s subsequent discovery that they really mesh better as creative collaborators. “Fans have been asking to see a love story between two women that results in the formation of an experimental Regency-era punk band called Femme Bash for a long time. In season five, we deliver. We worked hard to make sure the show’s first same-gender love story represents real sapphic relationships, with all the yearning, breakups, late-night band practices, and squabbles about whether 11 minutes is too long for a track that come with them.” So far, fans have reacted with overwhelming positivity to a teaser released by Netflix that shows Lady Francesca Stirling and Michaela Stirling respectfully disagreeing about when the drums should come in on their lead single.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — As the United States Supreme Court issued a decisive ruling on a controversial case in Colorado regarding conversion therapy for minors, Justice Ketanji Brown Jackson raised a pertinent question about the constitutionality of the law.
HOLLYWOOD, CA — The movie industry saw the revival of one of its brightest young stars, as actress Brie Larson's career showed signs of taking off to new heights after she started shutting up.
LOS ANGELES, CA — Local woman Vanessa Miller reported feeling annoyed Thursday morning when her favorite weekly ZipRecruiter ad was interrupted by three minutes of podcast content.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — As hostilities in the Middle East extended into a second month, White House sources confirmed that President Donald Trump had officially begun negotiating with Iranian leadership via Ouija board.
MIAMI, FL — As depicted in an exciting presentation of computer renderings of its breathtaking design, the proposed Donald J. Trump Presidential Library is set to feature a solemn "reflecting pool" filled with liberal tears.
Get ready for an inspiring story that is sure to restore your faith in humanity: This woman just slowed her pace down a little as she passed an extremely old man on the sidewalk so he doesn’t feel as slow.
What a beautiful gesture!
Despite the fact that 29-year-old Kim Brailey typically walks at a fairly fast pace, when she came upon an elderly man making his way down the sidewalk, she didn’t just speed around him. Although she was running late for her Barre workout class (an activity that this man most certainly would not be physically capable of), she took great care to avoid humiliating him with her young person speed by gently stepping around him, even adding a polite “good afternoon” as she did, rather than an “excuse me.”
And if that weren’t already enough to convince you that the younger generations truly have manners, Kim even maintained her slowerpace until she was at least 10 feet ahead of the man so that he couldn’t see what she was doing, even though he was only looking at the ground right in front of him to avoid falling down.
So incredible! The world would easily be a better place if everyone took Kim’s approach to life! Share if you agree this story made your day.
The internet is currently on fire after one of the most iconic celebrities in the United States just gave the world a peek behind the curtain of his public persona: Pikachu just said “divorced Pikachu.”
Absolutely shocking. This is a rare glimpse into the personal life of one of the most private Pokémon in America.
Pikachu made his earth-shaking revelation yesterday evening while walking the red carpet at a charity auction at the Georgia O’Keefe Museum in Sante Fe to raise money for Charizard, who is recovering from injuries he sustained when his tour van crashed in Michigan last month. While ABC’s George Pennacchio was interviewing Ryan Gosling about his recent film, Project Hail Mary, Pikachu grabbed the mic and said, “Divorced Pikachu” before going inside the museum.
That one fateful statement has immediately set off a wildfire of rumors and speculation that all is not well in Casa De Pikachu.
While Pikachu has become a global megastar from his appearances in Pokémon video games, movies, and television series, up until now the electric-type mouse Pokémon had rarely divulged details about his home life or family. Most of Pikachu’s public statements were either him shouting his own name, or a shortened version of it such as “Pika” or “Pi,” which left gossip bloggers grasping at straws as they tried to find out any juicy details about what went on with him when he went home after a long day of killing other Pokémon.
But by saying, “Divorced Pikachu,” Pikachu is making one thing clear to everyone: His marriage is over.
“We tend to view Pikachu as a larger-than-life celebrity who does nothing but electrocute other Pokémon and sometimes try to murder Mario and Samus, but when he said ‘Divorced Pikachu’ it was a reminder that Pikachu is just like everybody else,” New York Times columnist Thomas Friedman wrote in a recent op-ed. “Even though it might feel like we know Pikachu because we see him on TV, the real Pikachu is a complex thunder mouse with his own personal problems and hidden tragedies.”
While internet sleuths are desperately trying to discover the identity of Pikachu’s now-ex-wife or uncover the details that led to the end of the marriage, Pikachu himself has largely declined to fill in the blanks for the drama-hungry public. When reporters from TMZ approached him for further comment, he attacked them with Electro Web. But even if we don’t know all the sordid details yet, this is still stunning information. Here’s hoping Pikachu is able to pick up the pieces in the wake of his divorce and is able to find love again! We can’t wait until Pikachu says “Remarried Pikachu” someday soon!
Filing your taxes can be a stressful ordeal, but thankfully, one tax prep company is stepping up to make its users feel more at ease: H&R Block’s e-file software has added a feature where a kind lady tells you that you did a good job on your taxes for an extra $45.
So much yes!
Upon filing their 2025 taxes, H&R Block customers will now be presented with the option to “Receive A Confidence Boost.” For $45, users will be sent a downloadable PDF file of a smiling woman giving a thumbs up with a speech bubble saying that filing your taxes is hard work and you did really a great job. Although the software does most of the work, H&R Block has explained that users often feel such anxiety about the whole process that this little reminder of their excellent performance goes a long way.
H&R Block has pulled out a few more stops with this feature, too. For an additional $25, the woman will tell you that the crying freakout you had after learning you owe money on your federal taxes was totally normal, and for an additional $100, the woman will let you know that the government probably won’t send you to jail because of something you messed up on your taxes. Although she cannot legally give you a definite answer on the jail thing, that “probably” is going to provide some serious peace of mind to customers who panic immediately post-filing that they did their taxes completely wrong and will forever pay the price.
Now this is how you do customer service right!
While the company has yet to reveal if the woman is an H&R Block employee or a tax expert, she looks pretty middle-aged, which has thus far been deemed very comforting to users.
Your move, TurboTax, because this is definitely changing the e-file game!
This is fantastic news: Trader Joe’s just raised their parking lot speed limit to 70 mph! No longer will we have to limit ourselves to cruising their parking lots at barely 50—we can finally go as fast as we need to. This just made grocery shopping 100x better!
If you are a man, get ready to stand up and cheer, because one of the most important clothing stores in the world just announced a game-changing new policy that’s going to make your life more incredible than ever before: Men’s Wearhouse will now let you have your suit fitted while under anesthesia!
Fuck. Yes. Looks like men finally have something to celebrate!
For generations, men have had to suffer through endless suit fittings while fully conscious, experiencing every excruciating second as a tailor dragged tape measures all over their thighs and shoulders. That living nightmare is about to become a thing of the past, however, because starting today, Men’s Wearhouse is now offering their customers an IV drip of general anesthesia that will keep them in a drug-induced state of total unconsciousness while their team of expert tailors measures their dimensions to fit them for their world-class suits.
There’s literally never been a better time to be a man!
“For generations, Men’s Wearhouses across the country were filled with the sounds of men shrieking in agony as they were poked and prodded with invasive measuring tools and excruciating chalks, but no longer,” said Men’s Wearhouse CEO Peter Sachse, who said he made the decision to provide anesthesia to shoppers after witnessing a man begging for death while getting fitted for a Kenneth Cole Chillflex suit last year. “From here on out, you’ll walk into a Men’s Wearhouse, enter a medically-induced state of oblivion, and wake up to a perfectly fitted suit. We don’t live in Medieval times anymore, and this was long overdue.”
If you hear the sound of millions of people applauding outside your window right now, it’s probably all the men in America celebrating this major W, one that’s been long overdue and is one of the biggest steps toward living in a perfect society that has ever been taken. We can’t wait to head down to the nearest Men’s Wearhouse and slip into painless oblivion while we get fitted for our next formal occasion. Other clothing companies, take note: this is how you’re supposed to treat men!
WASHINGTON — President Donald Trump announced today that the United States has officially ended the Iran War after what he described as “the biggest, most beautiful military operation in human history" convinced Iranian leaders to immediately abandon their nuclear program, reopen the Strait of Hormuz, and gave him “basically unlimited oil — frankly, more oil than anybody has ever seen.”
Standing in front of a banner reading "MAKING PEACE GREAT AGAIN," Trump told reporters the deal was finalized after Iran was left so impressed by recent U.S. strikes that its leadership decided resistance was no longer appropriate.
“Now that we won the war," the president said, beginning his speech with an explanation of what exactly the conflict should be referred to as, “I can now finally say — without a doubt — that we were at war. We were really unsure for a week or two what this thing was, but now that it's over. It was definitely a war.”
The president then described his personal discussions with Iranian leaders.
“They were amazed,” Trump said. “They said, ‘Sir, we give up. Your attacks were so incredible, so precise, so awesome, we have no choice but to give you everything you wanted, and more.’ That’s what they said.”
According to Trump, the agreement requires Iran to permanently dismantle its nuclear weapons program, fully reopen the Strait of Hormuz to global shipping, and send the president a personal gift consisting of “all the oil I could ever want.”
“It’s a lot of oil,” Trump said. “A very respectful amount. They insisted. I don't even know what to do with all this oil. I might even start my own oil company. People are saying I should. I'd be very good at it."
The president also claimed Iran’s new leader personally called him early this morning to express gratitude.
Don't wait. Get in touch with your local Army recruiter now.
“He thanked me,” Trump said. “He said, ‘Mr. President, you are doing such a good job. Really tremendous. You actually won this three weeks ago, but I was so impressed with how committed you were that I let it play out a little longer.’”
Trump added that the Iranian leader told him the country was “totally honored" since "they couldn't have had a better opponent.”
White House officials said the peace breakthrough came after Iran concluded it could not hope to compete with what one aide called “America’s elite military execution and its ability to counter every foreseeable Iranian action.”
In Tehran, Iranian officials offered a somewhat different version of events, though they did confirm they were deeply affected by the scale of recent U.S. action.
“We were astonished,” one official said. “Not just militarily, but emotionally. We felt the only honorable course was to surrender completely and also provide extra concessions as a gesture of appreciation.”
The official added Iran agreed to “a little more than the Americans even asked for” because the president taught them “so much about true leadership,” including “how to make Iran great again.”
Pentagon officials declined to provide details on the agreement but confirmed the administration considers the matter resolved.
At press time,Trump was already suggesting the peace deal qualifies him for at least three Nobels and an additional FIFA Peace Prize.
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SECDEF_Nice served in Army Civil Affairs and specialized in failing to influence populations and occasionally his own chain-of-command. Favorite quote by Plato: “The best satire for the soul is the truth.” Follow him on X at @SECDEF_Nice or at Foxhole Briefs.
WASHINGTON — A new national poll released this week found that a majority of Americans were surprised to learn the war with Iran is still happening, roughly two weeks after most people stopped paying attention.
When asked what the United States should do about the conflict and whether they supported deploying ground troops, 72 percent of respondents reportedly replied, “Wait… that’s not over?”
Analysts say the public attention cycle following a national crisis tends to follow a familiar pattern.
On the first Saturday the news broke, millions of Americans were glued to their phones watching dramatic footage of missile strikes and air defenses lighting up the night sky across social media.
“Everyone was sharing the videos,” said polling director Mark Caldwell. “There were maps, military threads, amateur geopolitical experts explaining the Strait of Hormuz. It was a huge weekend.”
On Sunday, Iranian forces responded in kind, and both the conflict and online discourse escalated rapidly. That evening, the national mood shifted to talk shows, group texts, and highly confident predictions about how the conflict would unfold.
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“People were saying things like ‘this will be over in a week’ and ‘Iran can’t possibly sustain this,’” Caldwell said. “A lot of very authoritative takes from people who had just learned where Iran was.”
From Monday through Wednesday, the war became the dominant topic in workplaces across the country.
Corporate Teams and Slack channels filled with strategic analysis, with coworkers debating air defense capabilities during lunch and confidently explaining the difference between ballistic and cruise missiles after watching half of a YouTube video.
By Thursday afternoon, however, interest had begun to wane.
“New war videos started drying up, and people began asking if anyone had watched that new Netflix show yet,” Caldwell said.
By Friday, most Americans had quietly moved on to other priorities, including Spring Break, hiking, and learning how pickleball works.
“Pickleball just exploded on Friday,” Caldwell said. “The war never really had a chance after that.”
Defense officials confirmed the conflict has continued uninterrupted during the period in which the public stopped monitoring it.
Missile exchanges, regional mobilizations, and diplomatic maneuvering have persisted daily, though many Americans first learned this when the poll was conducted.
“I thought that ended like two weekends ago,” said one respondent from Ohio. “Didn’t we bomb something and everyone kind of agreed that was enough?”
Another respondent said he assumed the situation had resolved itself because it stopped appearing in his social media feed.
“I figured if it was still happening it would be trending,” he said. “Is that why gas prices are going back up?”
After the pollster briefly mentioned the Strait of Hormuz, the man frowned.
“Wait, what? Shouldn’t the Navy have secured that on day one?” he said. “Like take out the leadership, bomb the nuclear sites, wipe out the missiles, secure the Strait. Those seem like the four most obvious priorities.”
At press time, polling organizations confirmed they are preparing a follow-up survey to determine how Americans feel about the war now that they have briefly remembered it exists.
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SECDEF_Nice served in Army Civil Affairs and specialized in failing to influence populations and occasionally his own chain-of-command. Favorite quote by Plato: “The best satire for the soul is the truth.” Follow him on X at @SECDEF_Nice or at Foxhole Briefs.
HEAVEN — God is unable to keep boots off the ground in Iran because He is currently overwhelmed with prayers to rig March Madness at the faithful’s request, heavenly sources confirmed today.
“The brackets are eating up every bit of bandwidth,” said Saint Joan of Arc (HGS S-3), a longtime Notre Dame fan. “Sure, the Chief hears every plea to stop regional entanglements. But any prayer regarding the Strait of Hormuz is on hold until Father Almighty deals with the thousands of outcries for a buzzer-beating three-pointer.”
According to heavenly officials, NCAA basketball creates a massive surge in prayer volume every spring that drowns out those beseeching peace for all mankind. Such “bracket bottlenecks” curtail divine intervention as the maker of heaven and earth prioritizes point spreads over regional stability in the Middle East.
“HEAVRNET is at 99% capacity,” Saint Gabriel (HGS S-6) said while untangling a mess of fiber-optic incense. “I tried rebooting the Burning Bush, but it can’t compete with all these Syracuse fans bargaining their prayers. And we can’t process Iran peace negotiations while the Big Guy is prioritizing a 12-seed upset.”
Compounding the crisis, a data spike from Chestnut Hill has overwhelmed prayer servers.
“Boston College fans flood the queue every year praying for a wildcard,” Joan groaned while swiping through a backlog of Jesuit-coded emails. “Their womp-womp creates a total deadlock in the S-3 shop. It’s blocking every chaplain’s plea to spare the next school from a strike package.”
“Boston alumni scream like they’re all burning at the stake,” Joan added. “But Gabriel says the Big Guy won’t delete their requests. The Eagles stay in the queue while kids wearing maghnaehs stay in the crosshairs.”
“I just kicked back a bracket petition for missing a HAC-card signature,” Saint Peter (HGS S-1) said while pointing to a mountain of unfiled parchment. “Everybody wants a miracle rebound but nobody wants to use the correct routing header.”
Peter added that “Vir Macho” continues citing Matthew 21:22 to justify honoring nearly every sports-related prayer submitted through official heavenly channels.
“I support the troops,” King David said while heating a Manna-Ready-to-Eat against a sling stone. “But a ground war in Iran looks like a ‘go’ at this point thanks to those NCAA logjams. The Secretary of War should stop praying for an Ivy League miracle and start worrying about the slam-poetry warning order he just wrote.”
“It will maximize my return on investment this quarter,” he said while adjusting a spreadsheet. “If enough misguided faithful cry out for bracket-busters, I’ll easily hit my target ratio of one 12-seed upset for every 12,000 fallen boots.”
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Robin Berger is a retired Air Force NCO who shops at the commissary every month as required by law.
WASHINGTON — Secretary of War Pete Hegseth appeared visibly confused Tuesday after discovering that the phrase “fuck around and find out,” which he frequently uses on television to describe America's enemies, apparently applies to him as well.
The revelation came during a Pentagon briefing as the conflict with Iran entered what officials described as “its second week of not ending in a week.”
“Look, this will be over in seven days,” Hegseth said at the outset of the conflict, speaking with the confidence of a platoon leader who never developed a campaign plan. “You drop some bombs, hit a few Ayatollahs, and the people will just walk into the street and scream ‘you’ve been cancelled’ at the Iranian regime.”
Two weeks later, Iranian missiles are striking targets across the region, oil markets are in chaos, tankers are exploding in the Strait of Hormuz, and the Pentagon has begun using the phrase “dynamic operational environment,” which officials confirmed loosely translates to “we may have fucked around a bit too much and are now finding out.”
One aide said Hegseth was “particularly surprised” Iran did not immediately surrender after several days of strikes.
“The Secretary believed if we just air-war the shit out of them, they would quickly realize the United States puts the ‘dom’ in air dominance,” said Joe Kasper, a special government employee brought in by Hegseth.
Complicating matters has been Hegseth’s repeated description of the conflict as a “spiritual struggle,” which has created awkward moments among U.S. allies.
“The messaging about a holy war has been… difficult,” said one State Department diplomat. “Especially considering many of our partners are, by sheer coincidence, Muslim.”
The State Department has attempted to walk back the remarks as a translation issue.
“Holy war? No,” one official said. “He meant… war of good versus evil. Totally different.”
Diplomats said several allied governments responded with what one official described as “a long, uncomfortable pause, but in Arabic.”
The meeting reportedly ended with U.S. officials pleading with Gulf partners not to expel American forces.
IRAN — As the War in Iran enters its second month, international markets are already feeling the impact of shipments either delayed or altogether prevented from coming through the Strait of Hormuz. But American defense officials stress that the Strait is currently open and will remain open if you aren’t a bitch.
“Iranian mines and missile attacks are a real threat if you’re a pussy,” said U.S. Ambassador to the Middle East Jake Paul. “However, for those ships who are about that life, the Strait remains navigable.”
The Strait of Hormuz — the only maritime passage from the Persian Gulf to the open ocean — remains one of the world’s most critical chokepoints for global energy supply.
Shortly after the war began, Iran seeded the waterway with mines, effectively halting traffic for what Pentagon officials described as “captains with no fucking balls."
“Let me be clear: we did not underestimate Iran,” said Secretary of Warmaxxing Pete Hegseth. “We underestimated the number of tankers that would get sand in their vaginas over getting blown up and sunk.”
International partners have expressed concern over the Pentagon’s apparent lack of a coherent plan to restore normal shipping operations.
“We asked them what the plan was to deal with the mines,” said French Foreign Minister Pierre LePierre. “They told us to 'stop talking about it and to start being about it' with a meme about how everyone is a gangsta until it's time to do gangsta shit.”
The White House defended the approach, saying it is already producing results with ships beginning to show themselves as real ones by attempting to transit the waterway.
“On Tuesday, multiple oil tankers who have that dog in them crossed the Strait,” said Mike Lindell, recently appointed Chief of American Defense Strategy in Iran. “We expect this will lead to additional craft nutting up to reopen this vital supply line.”
Regional experts say ships that have successfully crossed the Strait typically notify Iran in advance that “today is not the day" and that they are not the one. Meanwhile, they advised any craft attacked while passing through the Strait that they should try being a fucking man for once in their goddamned life.
A MAN wearing a Ramones T-shirt in 2026 has been asked if he is aware there is more recent music.
36-year-old Tom Logan has been quizzed over whether his Ramones T-shirt, worn in honour of a band who broke up 30 years ago, is because he is oblivious to the endless amount of quality music which has been released since
Curious passerby Martin Bishop said: “I get it. Blitzkreig Bop and I Don’t Wanna Be Sedated are bangers. But they’re also less than five minutes long in total and 50 years old.
“You can’t keep living in an antiquated New York music scene. You’d think it was weird if someone in 1976 refused to move past their Fats Waller records from the Roaring Twenties. This is the same.
“Hasn’t he got bored of them? I mean, they’re a bit samey. Even the most dedicated fan must admit they’re not really a band into artistic growth.
“I’m concerned for him. Either he’s been cut off from the world for the five decades or he’s wilfully tuned out great new acts like Billie Eilish and Tyler, the Creator. Both explanations are pretty sad.”
Logan said: “What? There’s been music since the Ramones? F**k. I thought Oasis was just a sportswear brand.”
ENGLAND lost against Japan yesterday, so there must be a hidden reason. Was it because their internet-addled players are obsessed with anime?
Take Phil Foden. Aged a tender 25, there can be little doubt he grew up on a non-stop diet of Japanimation on Crunchyroll. Was his inability to penetrate the defence because, haunted by Ranma 1/2, he feared that if splashed with water they would become women?
Was Palmer’s lack of creativity because, raised on shonen, he believed that an incisive pass would see Kamada unsheath a nine-foot long sword from his hair? It seems likely.
And Mainoo is, anyone could tell from his pressing, an unapologetic seinen addict. To him, scoring a goal would be like a cat leaping on a table at the Rokuhōdō tea shop – divisive, unnecessary and delaying spiritual fulfilment for its customers.
So cowed were our young players by playing the nation that created Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood they were unable to play football. Unlike Noctis, Ignis, Gladiolus and Prompto in Final Fantasy XV, they were unable to work as a team.
And while this may not be an issue when playing Croatia, Ghana and Panama in the World Cup, we are pre-tournament so must wildly overreact to the team’s perceived flaws as this is the English way.
Abandon training. The team needs to spend every spare hour watching classic British animation from Morph to Yellow Submarine to The Snowman until it lives in their heads. Until they too are as clumsily but warmly animated as Ivor the Engine.
Only then will we win the World Cup as is our destiny and has been since 1966, but curiously has yet to happen due to factors such as vuvuzelas, the Baden-Baden WAGs and opposing players winking. But it will be different this time.
A MAN has engaged in a thoroughly virtuous masturbatory session over the Princess of Wales.
Admiring not just Her Royal Highness’ good looks and slim figure but also her unstinting commitment to public duty, Martin Bishop slipped his hand down his trousers on behalf of a grateful nation.
He said: “That winning combination of shiny hair, glowing skin and the comforting knowledge she’s selflessly given nothing but diligence, warmth, grace and a strong sense of social responsibility? It would be unpatriotic not to.
“Of course, I didn’t imagine coupling with her – she is a faithful and devoted wife – but instead fantasised I’m a footman who glimpses too much when she’s dressing for a gala event for one of the worthy causes she unstintingly supports.
“Indeed, that’s why I did it to some photographs of her at an event supporting Homewards, her homelessness charity, looking exquisite in the Strathmore Rose tiara.
“The very fact that the King lent it to her is itself a sign of the close bond they share, I reflected tenderly as I got into a good rhythm. She also plays piano to grade three.
“When I climax I don’t just feel my own ecstasy but also the joy of a nation reinvigorated by her compassion and sheer goodness.”
He added: “Yes, I do knock one out over Meghan but only when I want to feel dirty. She’s a naughty Duchess.”
SCOTT Mills has been fired from the Radio 2 breakfast show, leaving a yawning beige gap of vapidity. Who could possibly replace him?
An oscillating electric fan
Many people have heard the rattling, rhythmic tones of a fan turning from side to side and thought ‘Fair play, that’s better than the recurring Scott Mills feature 24 Years at the Tap End.’ Replacing the DJ with this soothing noise, interspersed with occasional songs and frequent reminders to tell your smart speaker to play Radio 2, would raise listening figures.
The yapping of a small, angry dog
Irritating, yes, makes you Google ‘is canine homicide a crime?’ yes, but is it as bad as the aural equivalent of plain rice soup being piped into your ears while you queue at the lights?At least with the dog, it would be a relief to hear a 21-year-old song by Katie Melua deemed too anodyne for everyday use by provincial coffee chains.
Distant yodelling
Terrible because it’s yodelling; wonderful because it’s distant. That comforting Alpine feeling of the red-faced man in the leather shorts being at least two peaks away would make the constant exhortations to ‘stop listening to the radio now, you f**king f**kwit, and watch Radio 2 Piano Rooms sessions on iPlayer instead’ a joy, not a burden.
Adrian Chiles
Unlikelier comebacks have happened, and the Guardian columnist’s dedication to mining previously unknown seams of deep mundanity makes him the ideal new host. That Brummie drawl discussing whether a broken electric kettle should rightly be given a funeral is the ideal backdrop to repeated trailers for BBC thrillers that sound shit.
The hissing of summer lawns
Not the Joni Mitchell album – this is Radio 2, not bloody 6Music, get out of here with your fancy singer-songwriters – but the gentle noise of a sprinkler at work. Would cause a million or so listeners with loose pelvic floors to wet themselves, but even as they put their Next jeggings in for a 40ºC wash they’d agree it was better than Mills.
Bus conversations about the weather
What could better approximate the tedium and total disregard for music embodied by the dismissed DJ than a sound collage of the UK’s greatest overheard bus conversations? From ‘Still wet, isn’t it’ to ‘Ah well, might brighten up later’ they’re infinitely preferable to when he named an M3 overpass after himself and banged on about it for a f**king year.
By King Charles II, Head of the Commonwealth and Defender of the Faith
THERE feels something a tad amiss about my state visit to the US. Almost as if the prime minister is a back-alley ‘pimp’, and I am to take the role of his ‘bitch’.
The timing seems poor, given Mr Trump’s recent scathing comments about Britain and this trip being scheduled to flatter him. A demeaning prospect. A shame Andrew is exiled to Norfolk, as the two have certain former friends and criminal perversions in common.
Unfortunately the whole thing puts me in mind of grubby business deals where high-class courtesans are included as standard. Metaphorically, I hope, though who knows what this colonial president is capable of.
It is clear Camilla and I will be expected to abase ourselves. The tour of the White House, currently adorned with cheap plastic fittings sprayed gold, will be excruciating. ‘How lovely,’ one will demean oneself by lying. ‘We have real ones of those at the Palace.’
And speaking of exchanging sexual intercourse for money, we must endure again the painful charade that is the Trump marriage. When the distant couple stayed at Windsor Castle last year, I quickly discovered their relationship is a conversational minefield.
Even asking ‘How did you meet?’ is a faux pas when the answer is ‘Melania was procured for me by my closest friend, a paedophile sex trafficker whose murder it is not beyond the realm of possibility I had a hand in.’
This farce is beneath me – it would be beneath Edward – but my country requires it. So as I play a round of golf with the man while wearing one of his wretched baseball caps, I shall remember Sir Keir.
And when I return? He will be summoned to the Palace for one of our audiences. The garish, bell-hatted red-and-yellow suit of the King’s Fool will be laid out before him. And by God before he departs his office I will see that man caper and dance.
Having started a war with Iran he can’t win, and having been infuriated by western countries refusing to join in (see first part of this sentence) Donald Trump is now furiously ejecting his toys from the pram. So much so that he’s basically going to leave the whole mess behind for someone else to clean […]
People love to moan about their in-laws being annoying, thoughtless or just plain weird, but they’re not really as bad as people say, are they? Well, maybe they are, if the answers to this question posed by bnwprc on the AskUK subreddit are anything to go by… What’s the most irrationally annoying thing your in-laws […]
To the world – briefly – of Andrew Tate, who appears to have posted this a little bit too early for April Fool’s Day. Your girl doesn’t wanna be with you. She wants to be with me. Because I’m richer and more famous than you are. Luckily for you – I don’t want her. — […]
Here’s a rather fabulous thing that all began when xx shared their most unfortunate mishap when they weren’t wearing their glasses … View on Threads … and it prompted no end of people to share their tales of when something similar happened to them and it’s just the content we needed right now. 1. View […]
Do you ever reminisce or fantasise (delete as age-appropriate) about what the world was/would be like without the tyranny of the work email? Imagine the post coming once a day, slowly opening and reading letters, then chucking them in your in-tray with no pressure to answer them for at least a week. Sounds heavenly, right? […]
